#(but like. it's still in a toxic way. getting rid of homophobia to make room for more aphobia)

[hypervoxel]

My own personal RadioStatic headcanon is, of course, that they're both aspec but assumes the other has romantic feelings and act accordingly. Vox, in a "romance is just friendship with extra steps, sex can be fun, might as well get things started bc Alastor is too nervous about it to make the first move himself and the anticipation is getting stressful" way and Alastor in a "I finally have a close friendship with a man that is going well so far. Vox better get over himself and his feelings and not ruin this- oh, of course he's going to ruin this. Typical." way

[yixxes]

Hurt | p.p.

Warnings: Homophobia, toxic parents/household, maybe a few grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, yall it’s 6 am and I still haven’t slept-

Word Count: 2413

"You make me sick!”  

You slammed the door behind you and you did not look back. It was all so suffocating, your family was so suffocating, living inside of a toxic household with such destructive, closed-minded people was so devastatingly harmful to your health and you couldn’t get away from it. Or, you never had the guts to storm out before. Things had gotten bad in the past, but this time was different from the others. This was no ordinary disagreement or argument. This was a direct attack initiated and orchestrated by the head of the household herself. There was something about the way that she spoke to you. The way that she spewed hate without an ounce of regard for your feelings or the fact that she was talking to another human being, her daughter, if that even counted for anything. The way that everyone else declared the side that they were on by not saying anything at all. You just knew that if you stayed there a second longer, you’d implode or combust. You wanted to vent. To say the words that you had been forced to swallow before you choked on them. There wasn’t a single person in your house that you wanted to speak to, so you rounded a familiar corner and started towards the place that felt more like home than your actual house these days. 

It was dark by the time you reached Peter’s doorstep and he got ready to scold you good when he opened up the door and saw you standing there. “Wh- Y/n!? Did you walk here, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?” And then he saw your face. Your stature. Your shoulders were slumped, your cheeks were tear stained and the way that your eyes were filling up made it clear that you weren’t anywhere close to being done crying for the night. “Oh no, babe, what happened?” 

He sounded like he was about to start crying right along with you, and honestly, it was a big possibility. He told you a couple of times before that he had trouble explaining the way that he cared about you. Even before you got together, he cared about you so much as a friend. Before that, he practically idolized you as his crush but that was all at face value. As he got to know you better, he was just as mesmerized by your mind and your heart as he was by your beauty, or so he told you. Anyway, your pain really hit home for him. He hated to see you cry, so you showing up like this really affected him. It made his heart pick up a handful of beats more a minute and made his blood run cold. And when you threw your arms around him and began to sob into his shoulder, he was so overwhelmed that he started to cry, too. 

He’d seen you upset before, sure, any regular human being dealt with complicated emotions, everybody had their share of bad days, but this was different. Peter couldn’t remember ever seeing you like this before. Not only did the sight break his heart, he was also at a loss. He was so worried that he wouldn’t know how to fix whatever was wrong. What if he couldn’t get the tears to stop? Or what if he couldn’t make the pain go away? Peter wrapped his arms around your torso and held you close to him. 

He was new at this, so he tried his very best to choose his words carefully. “You’re okay,” he murmured quietly in your ear. You obviously weren’t okay, but you knew what he meant. You weren’t alright, but you were okay there in his arms. You were safe. “I got you, okay?” He rubbed his open hand up and down your back and it made breathing come just a little easier. “Not gonna let anything happen to you.” The promise was sincere but he made it more with himself and merely let you in on it. Knowing loss the way that he did made his determination to protect what he presently had strong. As long as he was around, he’d guard your happiness just as well as your life. 

Peter walked your hug back a couple of steps so that he could shut the door behind you. For a short while, the two of you stayed just like that. This was probably the closest to that you’d get all night to a cleared head and that was stressing you out. 

“Peter, who was at the-” you pulled yourself off of Peter to look at Aunt May and brought your hands together, rubbing them slowly against one another. “oh. Oh, sweetheart, what happened?”

You hadn’t even told Peter what happened yet, nor did you have a single clue how you were gonna go about it and you told Peter everything. May was a great confidant, but the thought of opening up to her about what happened tonight intimidated you. On the same coin, it was the least that you could do after barging into her home this way. You took in a breath and readied yourself to answer her, but luckily Peter swooped in before you had to say anything. 

“Aunt May, could I have a second with Y/n? Please?” It was almost like he read your mind. 

May nodded, eyeing you with a sad smile. “Of course,” she walked to you anyways, engulfing you in a warm hug. “I’ll be right down the hall if there’s anything that I can do.”

With a smile, you breathed a quiet “thank you” and watched her retreat to her room. As soon as he heard her door close, Peter led you to the couch, making sure to keep hold of one of your hands even after you sat down. Your mind was all over the place and your heart was starting to pick up again. Getting all of this out wasn’t gonna be easy. Peter had no clue what was going on, but that much was clear to him. 

“Hey,” his free hand touched your cheek. “we don’t have to talk about this right now, alright? If you’re not ready, we can find something to do, I’ll make you something to eat, or we can-”

You shook your head, making him stop short. It wasn’t gonna be easy, but you figured the sooner that you got all of this off of your chest, the better. “Remember how... I told you that I kissed Victoria Woodland at Donnie’s back to school party this year?” He nodded without comment, deciding it might be best to listen with as little interruption as possible. It was a confusing start, but he was confident that you’d connect the dots for him. “’N how I was dating Shelly Sinclair last year?” Peter nodded again and you took another breath. He didn’t miss how shaky this one was in comparison to the first one. “Well, my...” you pulled your hand from his and bound your fingers together tight, a nervous tick you had been doing for as long as you could remember. “my parents never knew about it, they..”

You desperately didn’t want to say these words. You didn’t want to tell this story. The deep shame that you felt took the physical form of a set of hands.  With each progressing word, it was like they squeezed tighter and tighter on your throat. 

“My mother expressed more than a couple of times that..” you swallowed thickly, cringing at the compilation of memories of your loving mother saying exactly what you were about to say word for word. “that no daughter of hers would grow to be so sick and weird.” Peter’s eyes closed and he turned his face for a second. He knew exactly where this was going and he hated it. Dread weighed on his heart in a way that he just couldn’t explain. 

You went on to explain how you dated Shelly for six months behind your parents’ back last school year. When things crashed and burned with her, it felt like your entire world was ending, so that’s the way most high school relationships go anyway, and you passed a couple of months of sorrow and heartache off as fatigue and sickness. Your adoring parents fed you cups of medicine and urged you to keep in mind the importance of rest, but naturally, it did nothing for you. They couldn’t reach your hurt. They couldn’t heal you. Even if they knew why you were in pain, they wouldn’t want to help anyways. You told Peter how Mrs. Sinclair and your mother knew each other and were even good friends since before you even knew Shelly. Yet, miraculously, the conversation never came up between Shelly and her mom. Shelly knew that you had to keep things under wraps, after all, so maybe she kept it from her mom too. God, how you wish that were true.

“It came up in casual conversation during a phone call.” Your voice was breaking and so was your resolve. “She couldn’t wait to lay into me as soon as she hung up.” You swallowed hard again, doing the best that you could to mentally prepare yourself for what you were about to say. “She asked me why I wanted to be like that. She called me weird. Said she didn’t raise me like that, she...” You cut yourself off there, tears already beginning to roll, and looked away from him. You squeezed your eyes shut and felt more tears fall. Go on, you scolded yourself. Say it. “S-she said.. she said-”

Peter wanted to let you finish. He truly did, but what he wanted didn’t hold a candle to his overpowering need to comfort you. He couldn’t let you finish that sentence. He wouldn’t. Not when he could see how much it was tearing you apart. If he let you say it, whatever was remaining of your badly bruised spirit would break and dissipate into oblivion, and he couldn’t have that. 

Peter pulled you into a tight hug, the both of your bodies alike leaning forward rather awkwardly, but you didn’t mind it at all, because being held by someone who just accepts you was an indescribable feeling that you wouldn’t trade for the world. Without letting go for a second, he slowly scooted towards you in hopes of getting rid of some of the discomfort and pressed his cheek into the top of your head, doing his best to cry as quietly as he could. Your body shook with cries in his arms and his heart broke all over again. You didn’t deserve this.

At first, Peter really didn’t know what to say, which was fine because he had some time to think about it. The two of you sat there for more than a little while until your breathing finally evened out. 

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” he said, nearly cringing at the broken silence. “you don’t deserve this.” He couldn’t relate to you on this level, but he had absolutely no problem meeting you where you were at and talking you through your own mind. He just knew that it was in heartbreaking shambles at the moment. 

Peter pulled off of you and caught your face in his hands. He needed to look you straight in the eyes and know that he had all of your attention when he said this. “Do you understand me? You don’t deserve any of this.” Occasionally, you could tend to be just a little impressionable, especially when the given situation involved your parents. He needed to make sure that you understood that you, nor anybody else in the entire world, for that matter, did not deserve to be defamed, spoken down to, or bullied for being themselves. “The things that she said... they’re pure evil, but you know none of it’s right. None of it’s true.”

He made quick work of swiping your tears away with his thumbs and shook you gently when you closed your eyes, whispering a soft, “please look at me.” He paused until he saw your eyes again. “You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. I don’t want you to ever apologize to anybody for being who you are, there isn’t a single thing wrong with you,” he shook his head and you frowned at the tears that spilled down his cheeks. “there’s not a single thing that I would change, okay?”

You nodded at his words, wishing a little less that you could shy away from him. This was the most intimate moment that the two of you had shared so far in your relationship. You felt vulnerable and exposed, but you couldn’t disregard the positive outcome. How nice it was to be yourself, loved, and accepted all at the same time.

“I’m sorry that she hurt you, I’m... I’m so sorry, and I’m sorry that I’m not saying the right thing, because honestly, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say right now, but I’ll spend the rest of the night thinking. I’ll say the right thing, I’ll do whatever you need me to do, I-I’ll be right here beside you until things get better, I promise.” How would things get better and where would anybody even start? He had no clue, neither of you did, but he knew that his words were true and that he’d be true to his word. “They’ll get better, they’re just bad right now, I...”  Peter sighed, defeated because he had no idea how much his words meant to you. “I’ll be right there, always. Until things get better and every time after.”

You watched his face fall when he had to wipe away more of your tears, but eyed the small smile on your face hopefully. 

“You’re incredible,” he murmured softly. “her words can’t change how amazing you are. And her words could never change the way that I love you. I know it seems impossible right now, but... please try not to let it change the way that you love yourself either.”

Things were bad right now. So inexplicably bad, but they could be worse. You could be going through all of this alone, but looking straight ahead and seeing this lovable, beautiful soul right in front of you, you realized that you were about as far from alone as you could possibly get. 

A/N: Thank you sm for reading 💓 shout out to my lovely relatives for inspiring me to write this 🙃 Stay safe, be strong, spread love, be kind to one another ✨

[meetthemoosemonster]

Introducing: Thalia Zion

Hey guys, I wrote part of the backstory for the new dnd character I’m using. Her name is Thalia Zion, but her cousin, Gary, and the rest of her family calls her Thia. She is Zazz and Fiona’s grandchild, and has had a pretty safe, normal childhood, living in a forest, not far from a small town,  but this part of her back story talks about things like: death, grief, cutting, suicidal behaviors, bullying, homophobia, toxic relationships and uses the f and d slurs, so please please please be careful, and protect yourself. I’m warning you, the bit with the cutting is kinda graphic.

~~

Thalia couldn't breath. She felt like she was choking. She tried to close her eyes to focus on her breathing, but all she saw was her mom’s dead body, limp in the bed, her father draped over her, shoulders shaking as he cried. Thalia’s eyes opened again, and her breathing got more and more rapid as she considered her options.

Hands shaking, she opened the drawer next to bed, and reached to the very back, her fingers brushed against dust and grim, but then she felt something sharp shoved into the crevice press against her finger. As she pulled the forgotten razor out, she turned it over and over in her hand, her brain screaming. Thalia lifted the sharp bit of metal to her upper arm, and she winced as it dragged across her skin, leaving a thin line, little droplets of blood welled up along it. She started to focus on the pain in her arm, and drew another line on her arm. Slowly, the pressure on her chest lightened as she repeated the action again, and she breathed a sigh of relief. She then wiped the razor down, and pushed it back into the shadows of her drawer. She tied a cloth over the cuts, and put on a long sleeved shirt. Wiping the tears off her face she snuck downstairs, and out of the house.

~

Thalia looked up, confused when she heard rustling ahead of her. She tried to smile when she saw her best friend, Kate, in front of her, but upon noticing the anger on Kate’s face, Thalia immediately stepped back. She knew what an angry Kate could do, but the anger had never been directed at her before. Another girl stumbled out behind Kate, a look of pity on her face.

“Kate?” Thalia started to speak, but was slapped across the face immediately.

“You dyke! You had a fuckin crush on me? I mean of course you do, fag. At least I never have to see you again. You’ll be glad to hear that all your so-called friends agree with me. They never want to see you again.” Kate spat out as Thalia cowered under her glare.

“Kate, I-” Thalia felt like she was going to hurl.

“At least now i have an excuse to get rid of your annoying ass. I swear, i could barely stand being near you, let alone have to deal with all the clinging. I’ve honestly done everyone a favor exposing you, so you wont keep lying to us about everything.” Kate left Thalia standing there, shaking. The panic was setting in again, all consuming. Whatever relief from her feelings that she had gotten before was shattered. Her feelings felt dizzying, and all she wanted was for everything to stop, even if it was only for a minute. She felt like she was suffocating here, with her friends leaving her, her mom being gone, it was too much. She needed to leave. Right now.

~

On her way back to her house she left a note on her cousins window. It said that she was leaving for a little while because she felt trapped in this town, and it had gotten to be too much. She then snuck back into the house and grabbed a bag from her closet. Thalia grabbed an extra set of clothes, a small picture of her family, and a dagger from her drawer. As she started to close her drawer, a glint of light against metal caught her eye, and Thalia looked to see the razor laying in the corner. Slowly she picked it up and dropped it into the front pocket of the backpack and tied it shut. Thalia tried to push her thoughts down and focused on sneaking out of the house. 

By this time it was dark outside, and Thalia grabbed her mom’s cloak that was still hanging by the door, as if nothing had changed in the last week. As if her mom would walk out of her room any moment now to ask her what she was doing. But there was nothing, only the shadows around her.

Thalia knew these woods inside and out, so navigating to the town in the dark was relatively easy, other than a few branches hitting her arms, she was running through the woods without any difficulty. But she slowed down when she saw a light ahead of her, and her cousin standing there, clutching something.

“Gar? What are you doing here?” Thalia approached her cousin.

“To stop you, or if I can’t do that, make sure I give you some stuff.” Gary responded. “Thalia, you can’t go, your family needs you.

“I have a feeling I’m not going to be much help, and you’re not changing my mind, Gar.”

Gary sighed, “Yeah i figured you would say that, so I bought a couple things you might need. First,” they picked up a long sword from the ground, swung the harness over her head,” You’re gonna need a sword if you’re going on an adventure. You remember the basics I taught you, right?” Thalia nodded. Gary untied the bundle in their arms, revealing some food, water, gold and a silver necklace, a chunky locket charm attached to it.

“I got you some food and water so you don’t die cause you’re not eating or drinking. And I gave you 20 gold for things you need. It’s not a lot, but it’s what I had to spare.” Gary wrapped up everything other than the locket in the green cloth. “By the way, this was Grandma Zazz’s jacket, so don’t destroy it. I figured that you might want something of hers when you’re going on your own adventure.”

“Ok, I’ll be careful.” Thalia smiled, then picked up the locket. “Whats this?”

“Here, press down on the side, carefully.“ The locket opened up in Thalia’s palm. A green orb wrapped in paper was revealed, along with a picture of her grandparents wedding, people that Thalia couldn’t identify, but she assumed they were Zazz and Fiona’s friends, surrounding the newly married couple in the center. Gar also handed Thalia a picture of the two of them, taken when Thalia was around nine or ten, and Gar was around 18.

Gary then pointed at the green orb. “This is gardener, a slipstone. Grandma Zazz got it from the Sin of Pride, and it is to be broken only when you have ABSOLUTELY no other choice. Ok?” Gary stared intensely at Thalia, and Thalia nodded, looking down at the orb, wary. She then closed the locket , enclosing the slipstone and the pictures inside and clasped the locket around her neck.

“Gar, I really have to go, but I’ll be careful,I promise.”

“I know you will.” They embraced Thalia, and looked at her for a good second before letting go of their cousin. “I love you Thia, you better stay safe, or I’m going to have to find you and smack some sense into you.”

Thalia started to walk away, waving. “Bye Gar, take care of my dad for me.” Gary nodded sadly and watched their cousin fade into the shadows.

~~

NOTE: The items and land are NOT my creation. They are the amazing DMs work of art. What is mine are the characters from the Zion family, Thalias toxic friends, the situation, and how it plays out. Please keep that in mind.

[bittysvalentines]

Life

A gift for @writingdragon by @TheTimetravellerCat for the Bitty’s Valentines! 2018 edition.

Summary: The Las Vegas aces are on a roadie, and the team goes to celebrate after a win, but Kent stays back after a quarrel with a teammate. Jeff is concerned and goes after Kent to find him distraught. They progress together and find new facets to their relationship.

Notes: Be aware that this fic deals with internalised homophobia and self-depreciation. Kent is the one having issues with his self-esteem, but Jeff helps him to see that what he thinks isn’t the truth and that he is worthy of many things. No character bashing, just quite a lot of personal growth. His issues are mostly triggered by the toxic homophobic environment he is in. There is a good deal of angst as well, but also a fair part of fluff, I promise. Happy open ending (I’m planning to write a sequel to this). And for the sake of clarity, this is an established-relationship.

The title of this has been inspired by the song Life by Ludovico Einaudi. (https://youtu.be/fy2ZF2ks-9E) [Also, this is my first fic ever, obviously it had to be a Check, please! fic lol, so I hope you enjoy it! :) ] PS: A lot of love to my amazing and patient beta, Ricekrispyjoints! (<3 <3)

______________________

The Las Vegas Aces are coming back to the rustic resort they’re staying at after a winning game. Press went well, the usual after-game questions, the team is joyous and they are making plans to celebrate their victory. Nothing too extravagant, as they have an 11:30 pm curfew and have to hit the road again a little before eleven the next day. The guys are loud, nonetheless, and they jostle each other. Carl bumps into Kent, but he isn’t in the mood.

“Fuck off, Carly.”

“Chill dude. You got a stick up your ass, or what?”

“Fuck you! I’m not that desperate, not like you.” He winks and grimaces, showing his disgust at the thought.

“You know what? You’re just a piece of shit, have fun all alone. I’m out!“

And on that, Carl leaves, clearly pissed. Kent barely notices, words are ringing in his ears. You’re just a piece of shit. He feels his heart sinking in his chest. What if… no. Carl couldn’t be. He is by far the most homophobic dude on the team. He hadn’t been affected by Kent’s comment, not in that way at least. It’s just his basic ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with those fags’ reaction. Kent knows it, but he can’t help wondering because he also knows he would have taken it personally. By now, he is used to the rampant homophobia, and – he isn’t proud of it, he realises – but he is used to say things like this as well, as a way to insult people. All of a sudden, he feels sick. Without looking back, he runs to his room, the one he shares with Troy.

He reaches the doorway and fumbles with his key. Once he manages to open it, he enters and immediately closes the door behind him. He feels like he is about to puke. He believes it. He fucking believes it. When did it happen? He doesn’t know. He didn’t notice. It was so subtle he didn’t even become aware of it. Until now. He knows this is all messed up. He knows this isn’t the truth. He knows bigots are jerks and even more than that. He knows he isn’t one of them. Or maybe he is. You’re just a piece of shit. He is shaking. He needs to calm down, but it’s too late. He can feel his shell breaking apart. He takes a few trembling steps and grips the desk until his knuckles are white with the effort. He needs to ground himself. You’re just a piece of shit. Carl’s words keep coming at him, hitting him hard. His nails dig into the hard surface underneath them. He barely hears the sound of someone unlocking the door and coming in. A few seconds later, there is a click and two turns of the key, shutting the outside world off. Kent still can’t breathe properly, Carl’s voice haunting him, Carl’s words insidiously creeping under his skin.

“Kent…” Troy pleads.

For a brief instant, everything freezes around them and then, Kent explodes.

“I’m SHIT! I’m just shit and I know it!!! And YOU know it!”

Jeff is quiet, no words escape his mouth. He is just here, looking at Kent with patient eyes. Parse wants him to scream back at him, to agree with him. But nothing comes. Jeff stays silent. Parse tries to read him, tries to see disgust on his face but he can’t because there is none. He almost gets angry again, he wants to snap at his teammate again.

Instead, his legs fail him and he drops on the floor, his knees making a loud bang against the hardwood. A single tear rolls on his cheek, a second one follows and then it’s flooding all over his face. He can’t even think about how much of a fool of himself he must be making. He tries to voice a snarky comment about how weak he is and about how this is just more proof of his obsolescence but he can only manage to let out a sob. Something has broken in him and he can’t back-pedal. Jeff lets him cry his eyes out. He has to clench his fists tight – it hurts him seeing his loved-one like this – but he doesn’t want to scare him away. He knows if he invades his space right now, he will shut down again and he won’t let Jeff help him, even though they are both aware that he has reached his breaking point.

Eventually, the tears cease. He is sitting on his heels, his arms lose at his sides and he can’t bring himself to get back on his feet and to walk away pretending that nothing ever happened. Abruptly, before he can regret it, he asks:

“Why are you not telling me I’m crap?”

He almost adds ‘Why are you not laughing at me for being such a sissy?’ But he thinks better of it because even though it’s something the guys would say, it’s not something Jeff would say, he realises. However, it seems like Jeff still heard him in his silence.

“Should I? And maybe I should call you a sissy while we’re at it?”

“Yes. Yes…” But his voice is dying.

He doesn’t believe it. It sounds… wrong and it’s a new feeling to him. Jeff kneels in front of him and gently picks Kent’s hands in his own. They stay like this for a moment. Silent sobs spill out from time to time.

After a while, Jeff let go one of his hands and reaches to remove Kent’s cap and slowly leans in to press a soft kiss on his forehead. Kent stares down at his laps. He can’t look at Troy in the eyes. He can’t face the truth. He can’t face the fact that someone genuinely, wholeheartedly cares about him. So he ducks his head but this doesn’t stop Jeff who presses another gentle kiss, on his temple this time. Finally, Kent gives in and buries his head in the other man’s neck, breathing deeply, soothing himself with his scent, allowing himself to be taken care of. Jeff holds him tightly. ‘I am not going to reject you’ his body says. When he feels his boyfriend relaxing, he helps him to the bed but Kent doesn’t want to let him go. He starts to panic and feels shameful about it but he hears himself beg anyway.

“Don’t-don’t leave me!”

“I am not. I wasn’t intending to.”

“I know I don’t deserve it-”

Jeff cuts him off. “You do.”

“But you don’t understand… I’ve treated him so badly… I’ve said so many messed up things… I’ve-I’ve nearly, maybe even really, believed those things… I can’t expect people to treat me well after that…”

‘Him’. He knows who he is talking about, and where he is concerned, he is pretty sure it went both ways, but he doesn’t press.

“Kenny, listen, it’s not because you were a bad person once or that you fell into this whole homophobic mess that you can’t progress and be good again. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to love yourself.”

“So what? I should see a shrink?” He snorts.

“Maybe.”

Kent stares. Jeff’s tone is serious. There is no underlying teasing. It sounds right in his mouth. It doesn’t sound like something he should be ashamed of. He considers it. Then, carefully choosing his words, he says:

“If-if I start to see a sh-therapist… Would you still stay with me? I-I…”

He is afraid he will be alone again. He is afraid Jeff is only sending him to a therapist so he can get rid of him, the useless asshole. He…

“I didn’t suggest it so I could abandon you. You’re not doing this alone, I’ll be with you.”

He knows he should trust him, he knows he shouldn’t question it, but he needs to hear it. He needs to be sure.

“Promise?” he asks, shyly.

“Promise.”

There is a silence. Jeff is still sitting on the edge of the mattress. He seems to hesitate.

“Now, would you rather have me sleeping in the other bed or…”

He doesn’t end his sentence, unsure of what to say. Kent shakes his head.

“No. I mean, only if you want to…”

“Yes, I want to.”

He turns the lights off and slides under the quilt. Kent is facing him. He wants to get closer, he wants to be held but he doesn’t know if he should. He looks at Jeff whose eyes are gleaming in the dimness. The man places an arm over him, his hand resting on his back. Kent takes the invitation and snuggles against him like a cat. It feels safe. He feels welcomed. He feels loved, and it might be the best thing he ever felt, but he is not quite ready to admit it. So, he just stays silent and enjoys it as much as he can. He is still scared it might get taken away from him, but it is there right now, and god knows he will fight to keep this, although it might make him lose other things.

He is starting to get that his happiness is worth it, but even knowing this, he can’t help but wonder if the other things might be more important. He briefly thinks about losing Jeff and his heart aches more than he can stand it. He makes a distressed noise, and the other man holds him even closer and kisses him through his hair. No. This is the right thing, he thinks. With him, he can do it. Together. Not alone.

Sleep takes him and for once, he doesn’t fight.

_______________________________________________

Dawn finds them still tangled together. They look sleepily at each other without a word. Everything is quiet, not even a bird is chirruping. They’re both exhausted, drained from the game the previous day, the episodes of last night… They both remember last night’s events. But there is no embarrassment, no second-thoughts, only acceptance. Kent speaks first.

“I’m scared, Jeff.” He admits, sheepishly. “I don’t feel or think that there is any going back. I don’t think I can just pretend that I hate gays and find them gross… I am gay. And… I… I’m… I am not disgusting!” He explodes.

Jeff soothingly brushes Kent’s hair, leans in and kisses the tip of his nose with the tip of his lips.

“No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”

Kent can’t help the flush on his face, but he finds himself not minding it at all. He feels warm. He grasps Swoops’ hand and boldly kisses it. They are both fiercely pink now which makes Parse smirk, proud of himself. They goof around some more, enjoying this harmless, easy interaction, glad to forget about the ugliness waiting for them outside of their room.

At one point, Jeff takes Kent’s shirt off.

“I want to try something, okay? Tell me if you’re not comfortable with it.” He explains.

“Okay.” He tenses inadvertently.

“Hey, just try to relax. You can tell me to stop at any time. No pressure.”

Kent nods and shifts, trying to loosen up. Jeff barely strokes his shoulders and Kent shivers under the touch. The other man goes down to his chest, then to his ribs which makes him jolt – he is ticklish – but he finds it nice. It’s so gentle and genuine.

Swoops’ hands rest on his hips as he slowly bends down and presses a very soft kiss right below his belly button. Kent takes a big breath and forces himself to let it out. Relax. It’s okay. He trusts him.

Another kiss finds its place on the left, and again another one on the right, then he leaves a line of kisses all the way up to his jaw.

There is no rush and everything is soft. Jeff makes sure to be as diligent with each new kiss as he was with the previous one.

A beauty spot on his collarbone is gifted a kiss as well, and soon enough every single beauty spot on his torso gets the same delicate attention.

Parse groans when he realises it’s the last one. He doesn’t want it to stop just yet.

Jeff rests on Kent’s belly, looking at him, his hands folded under his chin.

“How do you feel?” He asks.

“Good. A bit sad you stopped.” He answers, the pad of one of his finger lingering along the scar on Swoops’ face.

Jeff chuckles which makes Kenny pout.

“Hey! Don’t make your pouting kitten face, it’s not fair!” He exclaims, while poking lightly at his boyfriend’s ribs. “Maybe if you ask me politely, I’ll start again,” he adds, merrily.

A new light sparkles in Kenny’s eyes. He grins.

“Kiss me some more… please?” And Jeff obliges, too happy to show his love, too happy that Kenny wants him to be affectionate in soft and leading ways, too happy that he actually seems to enjoy it and to allow himself to enjoy it.

This time, he ends it with a kiss on the lips and then rolls into Kent’s left side, his head resting on top of his shoulder. Kenny is absently brushing his left arm.

“So, how was it?” Swoops inquires.

“Unusual.”

“Bad?”

“No. More like I’m not… used to it.” He sighs, less sure of himself. “Maybe I should let you… do this more often.”

He almost said let you love me, but he didn’t. It feels too overwhelming, and his heart is beating fast in his chest. He keeps it for another time. He still has work to do to get there, but he is confident it will happen.

They remain still, touching one another, for a little while after that, in thoughtful silence, knowing that they’ll have to move soon enough. They have to work out, get breakfast, then pack and finally hit the road. But for now, they’re still in this intermediary state, caught in between peace and chaos, in the nothingness, determined to make the most out of the calm before the storm. They breathe in unison.

In.

And out.

In.

And out.

An alarm clock makes itself known, and everything returns to motion. They sit up straight, force themselves out of bed and change into work-out clothes.

“What about a run? I’m not really looking forward to getting stuck into a gym with the others.”

Jeff is ruffling the other bed, to make it look like they didn’t sleep in the same one, just in case.

“Yeah. Not ready to make small talk with them, uh?” He chirps.

“No. Indeed.” Kent answers, seriously.

“Kenny, it’s gonna be okay. I promise you only have to be your sassy self and they won’t even notice.”

“And how do I avoid getting angry? I’m not the calmest person on Earth, you know that.”

“I’ll help you with that. And therapists can give you useful tips.”

“Still not ready for this today.”

“Okay. Then, let’s go for a run!”

He claps Kent’s shoulder on his way to the door, but gets stop by Kent who steals a kiss from him in the process.

“Good luck charm,” he explains with a wink.

Jeff shakes his head in an amused disbelief. They head out and run in a comfortable mix of silence, chirps and Kent’s well known entertaining way to converse. It’s easy, it’s nice. They have been running buddies for a while now and it’s, at least, one of the only things they can do in public without anyone batting an eye.

They head back to the rustic resort. Kent wins at rock, paper, scissors and gets to shower first. He leaves the room shortly after that to get breakfast. They rarely eat breakfast together on roadies, unwilling to take risks. This resulted in Parson being grumpy pretty much every morning, which built him a solid to-do-not-disturb reputation. That is, he won’t have to speak to anyone, which buys him some time to reflect on what happened and how it’ll affect his future. For sure, things will change, he just doesn’t know exactly what yet; besides that he is actually going to listen to Jeff and work with a therapist. He will at least give it a shot. He could use a hand to help him sort out his feelings and help him with this mess, he thinks. Jeff made it sound like something good – and he doesn’t lie to Kent – so maybe it will be, indeed. He will see.

Time passes by quickly. The guys are excited to go home and pack their stuff at full speed. As such, everyone is exceptionally ready in advance, and they can leave early.

The ride back home is quiet on their part. They are way too tired to bother to stay awake. And when they’re sleeping, it’s easier to forget that they’re not allowed to hold hands. So, instead, they share a pair of earphones and nap. It’s Jeff’s turn to pick the music, and he thankfully chooses something they can sleep to. And that is how they let Life by Ludovico Einaudi clear their mind and escort them to whatever is next in their own lives. 

End notes: I hope you enjoyed your gift :D I had a great time writing it! And I know i totally lied (unintentionally) in my asks (but your answers were very useful, thank you, it was appreciated) and wrote about the pairing i thought i wouldn’t pick. I have very strong feelings for ParseSwoops and as a consequence, I thought I would write too many things xD (god, I had cold sweats near the end, when i was approaching the 3k limit dangerously) but it worked out just right! Anyway, happy valentine’s day! Have a nice day :D