#(breakup is idk 7 clouds maybe?)

[vanderwoodlings]

fire escape: a dan&vanessa playlist (x)

Tracklist and commentary under the cut:

1. “We’re Going to Be Friends,” The White Stripes. Here we are, no one else/We walk to school all by ourselves is definitely the specific line that made this one for them as little kids need to be here—there’s a very specific way that Dan and Vanessa’s friendship involves (but quietly and unacknowledged) their family bullshit

2. “Kids In The Dark,” All Time Low. They left alone, the kids in the dark/To burn out forever or light up a spark

3. “You Get What You Give,” New Radicals. This whole damn world could fall apart/You’ll be okay, follow your heart/You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind/Now say you’re mine

4. “Little Cellist,” Bears In Trees. Hmmmm yeah I think they’re a little fucked in the head

5. “Walk Backwards,” Maude Latour. We’re still early days, here, little fourteen year olds who haven’t quite had anything go wrong with them yet and so they’re orbiting closer and Dan hasn’t really noticed that Vanessa’s got a crush and neither of them know it’s a bad idea

6. “Bruises,” Reneé Rapp. …but the truth is I bruise easily/And sure I’m down to be the joke/Metaphorically though.

7. “Prodigal,” David Wirsig. In the beginning we were banished/Then we stoked the fires/And scrapped our songs for salvage. The thing is, like, Dan craves acceptance by the cool kids even as he holds up his pretentiousness as a shield and Vanessa is an outsider who wants people to meet her where she is and accept her

8. “Forgive Me Friend,” Smith & Thell feat. Swedish Jam Factory. This kind of tracks us into s1: And I, I promised that we would never change/That you and me would always stay the same/How I let you down

9. “That’s What Friends Are For,” Dionne Warwick, Elton John. Keep smilin’, keep shinin’/Knowin’ you can always count on me for sure/That’s what friends are for/For good times and bad times

10. “Old Friends,” Pinegrove. …Significant amounts of this playlist may be bitchy. Maybe I should have gone out a bit more/When you guys were still in town/I got too caught up in my own shit

11. “Platonic Cuddling,” Breakup Shoes. But significant parts are also sweet! Lovely day to watch the clouds race/Lovely day, nothing I would change

12. “You’re My Best Friend,” Queen. They are. So stupid for repeatedly trying to date. I love them

13. “Give It Up,” I Fight Dragons. The UES is a seductive kind of hell. Give it up for human nature/Give it up now, bit by bit.

14. “Misfit,” High Dive Heart. I know people say that you’re a misfit/But that’s the thing I like about you

15. “Everything I Had,” Sub-Radio. And sometimes you grow apart and you don’t want to admit that things are falling apart and here you are anyway

16. “Youth,” Daughter.

17. “I’ve Been Over It,” Geowulf. Time and time again, my head just wants to find a reason why/I needed another lesson in choosing who to give my heart. Wherein you date the guy

18. “Grow Up and Be Kids,” The Cab. But it’s still gone.

19. “Dial Tones,” AS IT IS. All we ever share are dial tones

20. “Twins,” The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart. I didn’t mean to let you down/And now I know everything that’s good is gone

21. “I’m Not Calling You A Liar,” Florence + The Machine. I’m not calling you a liar/Just don’t lie to me

22. “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” Johnny Cash with June Carter Cash. Go away from my window/Leave at your own chosen speed/I’m not the one you want, babe/I’m not the one you need

23. “When We Were Writers,” Indigo Girls. This… might’ve been the first song on here? Idk the sense of artistic nostalgia just worked so very Correctly with their vibe

24. “Sober Up,” AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo. Won’t you help me sober up/Growin’ up, it made me numb/And I wanna feel somethin’ again. And we have arrived in early s4!

25. “Quarrel,” Moses Sumney. I love Moses Summey btw. Everyone should just go check him out. Quoting this as a quarrel so immorally implies/We’re equal opponents and we both antagonize

26. “i hope ur miserable until ur dead,” Nessa Barrett. She can be a little evil. As a treat. I hope you be yourself and lose your friends/I hope they call you out for shit you said/I hope you’re miserable until you’re dead

27. “Somebody That I Used To Know,” Gotye, Kimbra. But then she gets completely written off the show so… ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

28. “Please Leave A Light On When You Go,” fun. How do you fix something/That you can’t touch without hurting?/The lesson you’ve learned is leaving you dumb/Please leave a light on when it’s done

29. “Call Off Your Ghost,” Dessa. We’ve lived too close for too long

30. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” Stars. I put this one one the Vanessa playlist, thinking about her and Dan, and I knew I was going to end with it the moment I started this one—it’s kind of both the best and most tragic ending for them, to me, saying ‘I’m not that person anymore’

[pastafossa]

I’ve just started reading trt like just started on the kidnapping arc just started and I’m loving it, but do you think you could lay out a list of all the arcs that have happened up until now and which ones hurst the most? Just cause I’m a little squirmy when it comes to angst and I wanna know when to expect it :D

I can! Absolutely! I keep meaning to make an index one day I'll do that. I'll be a little vague for spoilers but still open about the angsty parts. I'll also put it behind a spoiler wall for anyone who doesn't want to see it!

Matt, seen here identifying the spoilers below that Keep Reading bar...

Kidnapping arc: right now you're on the kidnapping arc! Lots of cuddling and softness after that arc (ch12-13).

Devil-Hunt: fun chapters with their version of hide and seek (affectionately called Devil-Hunt) for ch14-15! No angst, only joy.

Old Friend Visit🌧️: Next bit of drama pops back up around ch16-19 with a visit from an old friend. Bit of angst, maybe 1-2 sad rainy clouds out of 5.

Matt Gets Slashed By Nobu And Then Argues With Foggy🌧️🌧️🌧️: general sadness as we touch on Matt getting shredded by Nobu canonically and his and Foggy's fight starting at ch20. That's always depressing (canonically 5 of 5 sad rainy clouds) but no worries, we comfort him through it. There's a little bit of him being, understandably, sad and miserable, so a bit of angst, but there's a lot of comfort and cuddling and such there too to balance it - and that weekend of caretaking ends around ch26.

Various Non-Angst Arcs: Basically comfort comfort, growing relationship, some plot stuff with SHIELD, dealing with canonical events, no major bad vibes. (Ch27-31)

Away Chapters🌧️🌧️🌧️🌧️: Next bit of angst has been, up until now, one of the rougher points to go through. You'll get your first hint of it starting at the end of Ch32. Buildup to Ch34 in which Reader/Jane... has to leave town for a very specific reason, and thus say goodbye for a bit. That leads us into the Away Chapters arc - what they're both up to, how they're both dealing with the separation, important plot events, etc. Fairly angsty and sad, but it's with the understanding (on both their parts) that the separation is temporary. Separation ends in Ch42 in a way that deserves fireworks!

Various Non-Angst Arcs: Lots of cuddling after that, dealing with the separation, and with any injuries that might have been gained, some plot stuff. Slight bit of angst having to do with our Mortal Enemy White Coat Asshole, but nothing major. Ch43-48.

Hypothermia arc: from ch49-52! Maybe 1 rainy cloudy? Not really though. Mostly just good god, matt, what the fuck.

Fuck-ton of Romance Arcs: Lots of romance-y things after this! Romance romance romance. Ch53-62!

Woops it looked like you almost died arc🌧️🌧️: Ch63-65 involves a short angsty, very close call and an argument about it arc, so some angst because Almost Died. Maybe 2-3 clouds. Def not 5 clouds though.

Devil-Hunt arc: More Devil-Hunt because it's fun. Zero clouds, only fun.

Buildup bits and pieces of angst 🌧️ to 🌧️🌧️🌧️: OK so this next arc's a little trickier since it's leading to a big reveal and I've set it up way ahead of time. This one involves pieces of angst slowly woven in and building up in between other more chill events - Starting around 68... what happened in Los Angeles with the fire, aaaaall of that is going to start creeping in and making itself known. You'll get, say, an angsty scene about it in Ch70 but only for the first section, while the rest of the chapter is not all that angsty. At first it's mostly woven in between other arcs - a Big Visit from a friend (Ch68-73)🌧️🌧️, dealing with some bounty hunters (ch76-78), some smut (ch78-79), and lots of Matt being very loving and soft and supportive in between. Short angsty moments range between 1 cloud and 3 clouds out of five.

You'll know you're getting close to the Angst Dive when Frank canonically shoots Matt between the eyes (Ch83🌧️🌧️) and he loses his hearing temporarily. We're gonna obviously have some comfort and caretaking and soft discussions (ch84-90) though before we get into the fire stuff, because Matt deserves it.

Los Angeles Fire Comes Out🌧️🌧️🌧️🌧️🌧️: Once you hit Ch91... We're gonna slowly begin our descent into true Five Cloud Angst territory. This is the arc we're in now so I can't say how many chapters it will take, although I'm estimating another 2-3 update cycles depending on how much time I have with moving. This will likely be our darkest, angsty-est section yet - there will be misunderstandings, miscommunication, a lot of Matt's insecurity and self-loathing unintentionally crashing together with Reader/Jane's guilt and insecurity. There will be tears, hurt, and some brokenness. I will promise, though, that the storm of it will be over by morning in the fic - so our lovely couple just has to get through one night and then things will get easier (there will be comfort, cuddling, emotional comfort smut, all the good stuff). A lot of readers are waiting until this section is done to read through it, so if you're looking to do the same, I'm tagging each of these angsty updates with raincloud emojis in the tumblr updates and in the chapter summaries! There will be a little sunshine symbol when we come out of it. <3 After that, you can expect softer things for a bit because I always try to give ya'll a bunch of happy breathing room between the heavy stuff. No perma-gloom here!

As for what's in the future... I know the angsty points that are coming, just not what chapters precisely! I try to add an angst warning but if you ever need to know if the current arc will be depressing or sad, feel free to ask and I'll let you know!

[the-pen-and-the-stethoscope]

my official, uninterrupted, unapologetic thoughts on the album Lover by Taylor Swift as i listen in its entirety at 6:30 am on Friday morning after working until 10 pm the night before.

Before I start I am already emotional. my hands are sweating. my heart is pounding. are those tears in my eyes or am i exhausted? idk. ok here we go...

1) fuck yes. snaps. love a song with snaps. A BEAUTIFUL BREAKUP SONG ABOUT HOW YOU JUST DONT EFING CARE ANYMORE. ahhh i love how there is like this build up and you think it’s going to be a headbanger of a chorus but then it just stops and it’s like...oh wait actually this is v calm right now i just dont care about you anymore. but also OMG SHE JUST LAUGHED ummm also I love how upbeat this is. i guess what im saying is that WANEGBT walked so I Forgot That You Existed could run. 

2) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. this song will always bring me back to being on an airplane flying to Peru because it is literally the only song I listened for my entire trip to Peru last spring. but also from the moment it came out I was obsessed with the unapologetic happiness in the song and it’s all about YOURSELF. WAIT WTF WHERE’S THE SPELLING LINE THATS MY FAVORITE TO YELL????? TAYLOR WHERE IS IT??? WHERE IS IT??? i’ll be taking this up with my lawyers. your people will hear from my people. 

3) well i just went back to my spotify and REALIZED THAT IT WAS ON FUCKING SHUFFLE FUCK ME. OK WE ARE STARTING AGAIN. 

1) SECOND LISTEN THOUGHTS ON IFTYE: this song is just the perfect beat. i just realized that she laughs TWICE actually (maybe more??) and this is my official petition that she laughs during all live performances. thanks. 

2) OMG REP VIBES WITH THAT LOW BASE SYNTH. oh wow I love this transition much more than the one to ME! I’m glad that was on shuffle the first time. This literally could be a REP song. GETAWAY CAR THAT’S WHAT IT REMINDS ME OF! OH. MY. GOD. WELL THANKS FOR PUTTING A REP SONG ON LOVER OK IM NOT OK. did she just say “loving you aint the worst thing...you are the worst!”? Idk I will evaluate the lyrics a second (third...fourth...fifth...) time. 

3) AHHHH LOVER OMG OK LET ME JUST STARE AT MY CEILING FOR THIS ONE. “Swear to take this magnetic force of a man” is up there on favorite tswift lines. cant decide if i want this to my first dance song at my wedding OR the song that plays near the end of the reception when everyone is tired and like all the couples come up and dance and so then it’s like you get to see how many people are in love OR the song that i save for afterwards when we are alone in our hotel room. good to know i’ve got options. 

4) god damn HERE WE GO WITH SOME REP VIBES. (to clarify any deep base pulsating beat is rep vibes to me apparently) lyrics: “they’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to” “every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you” “they wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve” “I’D BE JUST LIKE LEO” GOD THIS IS AMAZING I’M OBSESSED. “If I was a man I’d be THE MAN” 

5) OMG THE ARCHER. WAS LISTENING TO THIS LAST NIGHT AND THINKING LIKE....THIS MIGHT BE FAVORITE ONE????? I KNOW SO SO EARLY BUT SO FAR IT HOLDS UP IT’S JUST LIKE....THAT SLOW BUILD I LOVE IT. EVERY TIME I LISTEN THERE IS A DIFFERENT MEANING. AMAZING SONG TO RUN TO LIKE ON REPEAT. WHICH IS HARD TO FIND. PROBABLY HARDER TO MAKE. I STAN. 

6) THERE YA GO MISS SWIFT WITH THE SNAPS AGAIN. ohhh hmmmm someone’s horneyyyyy this song feels like a whisper...like you’re at a bar and you are like pointing out this hot guy you’ve been seeing around and you whisper to your friend ‘that’s the one’. OMG BRIDGE. WAIT WHAT OMG WAIT OMG WHAT BRIDGE BRIDGE BRIDGEEEEEE. well okay I kinda feel like a huge wind just knocked me off my feet. i’m slightly stunned. no time to process before...

7) OMG TALK ABOUT REP VIBES. This could be a beautiful music video. This is like -- i have a lot of feelings none of them have words but this song has a BLACK vibe and a DARK vibe and i’m picturing a high school shrouded in clouds at night. running through the hallways in a ripped dress. Wow wow wow. 

8) oh good some happy songs again. ahhhhhhhhh now THIS I CAN DANCE TO. AHHHHHHHHHHH I’M IN LOOVE. this is so freaking romantic. OH ANOTHER BRIDGE FROM BRIDGE CITY. Taylor like you brought it with these bridges girl. OMG THE SLOW FADE AWAY AT THE END...SOBBING.....

9) THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS IS I’M ONLY HALFWAY DONE. Oh wow is this song going to make me cry? just obsessed with how etherial this is. wow omg this is like the most complex love story ever written in a song ever. so many twists and turns i’m just sitting here asking questions!!! What happened on cornelia street that you dont want it again? why did you pack your bags? OH YAY HE GOT YOU TO COME BACK. OMG DOES EVERYONE HEAR THAT THUNDER EFFECT IN THE BACKGROUND???? omg wait omg that last line!? I will be listening to this A LOT.

10) I feel like taylor’s got a lot of happy sounding songs that are breakup songs and a lot of sad sounding songs that are actually about being in love on this album it’s so interesting!!! like this is a breakup song and wow everything about it is upbeat and pop-y. “trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up” (I FEEL THIS SO HARD WOW). love the boarded up house metaphors and like just everything else i CANT THINK FAST ENOUGH god idk why I committed to writing all my thoughts....

11) OMG SOMEONE WAS TALKING. ahhhhh she loves all these American things but she LOVES A LONDON BOY. “I GUESS ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE” power move!!!!! ASLDJALKDFLKJAGL;KADSLASDFLKASDFLKJ AS SOMEONE WHO LIVED IN AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE CITY OF LONDON I’M JUST LOVING THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A LOVE SONG TO LONDON. FORGET THE BOY. ALL THESE LONDON REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME. (did she just name drop stella mccartney???? I HEARD THAT OKAY!?) 

12) DIXIE CHICKS. IT’S A COUNTRY SONG I CAN ALREADY TELL. THE STRUMMING GUITAR. I’M DYING. wait is this about her mom???? ok well i’m crying.........wow so so so so so beautiful and soft and hopeful. 

13) FIDDLEEEEEEEE oh short lived but omg that was exciting for a moment i thought we were gunna get a crazy country song. This is a good transition....the way this song starts soft and slow and doesn’t come in swinging feels appropriate after Soon You’ll Get Better. WOW. “Religion is your lips....the alter is my hips....” SEX. I’m glad this is not a country song. wow my head was in an odd place that will be weird to come back to after knowing what this song actually is about (it’s about sex)

14) YAS YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. (it’s 7:40 am but we could have had greatnesssss) THIS SONG SERIOUSLY SLAPS. GOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. also true story - for like the first week after it came out I SWEAR I thought there was a lyric at some point that said “you’re freaking me out” and like I still think that one of the lyrics SHOULD be that so like I know I’m not a seven time Grammy award winging singer/song writer but like taylor can we change that? can we? MY ONLY COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS SONG IS THAT IT NEEDS TO BE AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES LONGER. 

15) ahhhhhhh omg shes like learning about holding onto love and not picking fights and growing through difficulty and not blowing up. (I’ve run out of ways to say omg this is amazing and i’m obsessed). but this is like a GREAT ballad. 

16) BACK TO MEEEEEEEE I like it a lot better here phew thank god we were on shuffle before. I wanted the DJ to play this song at my friend’s wedding back in May (OMG NO MORE SPELLING LINE AHHHH) and they like wouldn’t??? so weird. I honestly think this is a self love song but also an amazing romantic love song and I think it belongs in a wedding playlist. 

17) omg so cute...little best friend love. also i love how simple this song is. no big production. we are back to basics and child hood. AHH HORNS. I thought this song was going to be like TIWWCHNT but its just purely wholesome!!! She’s serious - it’s nice to have a friend! I agree! 

18) LAST SONG AND ITS ALMOST FIVE MIN LONG MY BODY IS READY. This is just classic classic taylor swift and an amazing way to end the album. it’s like the conclusion paragraph of an essay on how she’s happy and content and in love with not just her lover but herself. the world used to be harsh, but now it’s just daylight. (another bridge city - just fyi - for those listening at home that’s where you are now) SHE IS SO HAPPY. “Step into the daylight and let it go” OMG SHES TALKING!!!!! WHERE IS THIS FROM??? IS THIS AN INTERVIEW OR IS IT NEW OMG WAIT WASN’T EXPECTING THAT ENDING WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

OKAY FRIENDS THAT WAS IT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS AND NOW I NEED TO LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND ALWAYS. THANK YOU @taylorswift (@taylornation ) FOR TRUSTING US WITH SUCH A MAGICAL JOURNEY. 

[purplesurveys]

375

Choose any age you once were; answer the questions about you at THAT age. Age of choice: 17 (this was in 2015), as determined by Gab haha. The People I Knew Who was your crush (or significant other) back then? I was with Gab for the first half of the year, but I broke up with her too. Was anyone crushing on you? If so, who? I dunno, possibly. I was never entirely sure of Gab’s feelings in the first run of our relationship cos we rushed the whole thing really, so I don’t want to assume and say that she was attracted to me then. Who was your best friend at the time? Sofie, Angela, and Gab. Pretty much the same crew except I don’t talk to Sofie anymore. Any enemies/people you didn't like? Marielle, as always. Which family member were you closest to? I’ve never been close to my family, but if I had to name someone I guess it would be one of my older cousins, who I call Kuya since he feels just like an older brother to me.

Which family member were you the least close to? My mom. If you were in school, name a teacher you had: That was senior year, sooooo...Ms. Michelle. She was our class adviser but she also taught homeroom. What was your attitude toward people in general? I think I relied on other people a lot, because that was the year my grandfather died (first time I ever had to deal with death) and I got dumped and for the first time in several years, I suddenly cut Gabie out of my life. It took some adjusting that could’ve only been fixed by surrounding myself with others. It also helps that it was our last year in high school so it was a year when my classmates and I really bonded together. The Places I Went: Whose house were you at the most? I didn’t go to a lot of friends’ at the time but it was most probably either Athenna’s or Angela’s. Where was your favorite place to go to have fun? Chelsea’s house I think haha. My friend group weren’t mall people, we just hung out at the houses of those who’d be willing to accommodate us for the evening and for the most part, that was Chelsea’s place. Did you go on any vacations at that age? If so, where? Sagada/Baguio is the most significant one that comes to mind, but I’m sure we went someplace else but I’ve just forgotten. Where was your favorite place to shop? I didn’t shop much at the time. Favorite place to eat out at the time? I don’t think I had a favorite. I was stuck in school for 10 hours for 5 days straight for 14 years and we were far far away from the city, so going to the mall and trying out restaurants were very seldom. Did you go to any concerts? If so, who did you go to see? I did! I saw One Direction. Barely though, since our seats were far and it was held on mere concert grounds (not an arena which has multi-levels), meaning if you were far away then you had no chance of actually seeing the artist/s. We were far but still close enough that we could make them out, and that was good enough for me. Did you prefer being indoors or outdoors? I was definitely an indoors baby. I still am but I also like going outside now. What state/province did you live in at the time? I’ve been living in the same house. The Things I Did What did you and your friends usually do when you hung out? We were minors, so we’d usually get together for each other’s school events. Half of my friend group was from an all-girls school (AA), and the other half is from an all-boys school (Ateneo). If Ateneo had some sort of benefit concert or fair, we’d go there. If we had our own fair or concert or whatever, the boys would come over to hang with us. If it wasn’t a school thing then we’d normally hang out at someone’s place and order in food. It was a simpler time. What did you usually do in your free time? 2015 was a busy year and whatever free time I got, I used to take charge of the school yearbook or study for college entrance exams. Was there anything extra memorable you did at this age? Yes. I had my first kiss, first breakup, first experience with death, and I went to Sagada and was at peace with myself for the first time that year. I also passed the 3/3 universities I applied for. Oh and I was able to mend my relationship with Gabie and we ended up so much closer than I ever thought we would get. Pretty crazy year. Did you kiss anyone? If so, who? I did. Gab was my first kiss. I thought I was terrible but a few years later she showed a Tumblr post of hers writing about that kiss, and she seemed to think otherwise. Did you ever get in trouble for anything? Like what? I probably did, but I’ve most likely discarded it from my memories. What kind of music did you usually listen to? Up Dharma Down, BP Valenzuela, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith...I was into a lot of sad music because again, I went through a breakup and it had been a pretty shitty year. Oh and that was the year Adele’s Hello came out which was the icing to my shitty fucking cake. Did you buy anything that you still have to this day? What was it? I’m sure I do, but I don’t keep track of the years I buy my stuff. Did you ever get teased for anything? I don’t think so. What was something you got upset over, if any? I recapped all of them several questions ago, my friend. What was something you got really excited over, if any? Passing the UPCAT and getting Gabie back (as my best friend) were the pots of gold I needed (and got) by the end of 2015. There was no better way to cap off the year. The Things I Liked... & Didn't Like A band/singer you liked? I was on a One Direction high throughout 2015 since I saw them in concert. Hozier also blew up that year and I was alllll over his first album; Athenna introduced me to Banks and I stanned her album as well. A band/singer you didn't like? Meghan Trainor probs. A song you liked? Even If You Asked Me - BP Valenzuela. I continue to stan that song h a r d even four years later. A song you didn't like? Idk anything Meghan Trainor or Ellie Goulding put out. A subject in school you liked? English but only because it was incredibly easy and Hamlet was a breeze. I hated the teacher and I knew she hated me too though. A subject in school you didn't like? I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about calculus. A food you liked? Chocolate chip cookie cups with milk shots were the trend back then and I remember going crazy over them. I’d still have 10 of those today if there were some in front of me. A food you didn't like? Fruits. Something you liked to do? Hahahaha. I liked passing by Gabie’s classroom. She knew she made a mistake dumping me, and while it was really evil of me, I really enjoyed passing by everyday cos I just knew she’d watch me the whole time. I asked her about this when we got back together and my hunch was right. Something you just didn't like to do? Working on calculus worksheets, so I never did attend to those. Still ended up at the top university, so that’s a nice ‘fuck you.’ A TV show you liked? Breaking Bad. A TV show you didn't like? Not so sure. Whatever was hyped back then. Maybe How I Met? A person you liked (as a friend)? Angela. A person you didn't exactly like? Marielle. The Things I Owned Did you own any electronic devices? If so, what? Sure. I had an iPhone 5 then and my old HP laptop. What about toys? I was 17. Overall, what did you have in your room? I think I still had my wrestling posters up during that time, and I also had a letter art thingy on the wall with the quote, “There isn't a person on this planet that should let a past nightmare dictate or cloud their future dreams,” said by CM Punk. I had darker curtains at the time so it was so much easier to be in an ~emo mood while I listened to dark indie songs hahaha. Were any posters plastered on your wall? Of who/what? ^ Refer to previous question. Do you remember what kind of backpack you had for school, if any? Yes, it was a black Nike backpack with yellow accents. Did you own a diary/journal? If my survey blog counts, then yes.

Can you name one thing you got for your birthday at that age? Yanna got me my favorite brand of wafers. I’ll never forget that present, it was so sweet. Did you own a bike/car? Or anything for transportation besides walking? My dad got me a car by the end of the year but I didn’t learn how to use it until the next year. I went to and from school via school service, which is our version of a school bus. What kind of clothes did you usually wear? Meh, my style had still been pretty basic at the time so nothing special. When you go to a private all-girls Catholic school that requires you to wear a uniform for 10 months in any given year, you never really have the time to explore styles that exist beyond your plaid skirt and your white socks. The Things That Were IN What band/singer was very popular, if you can remember? The Weeknd, Drake, Rihanna, Adele, Ed Sheeran. One Direction was pretty big but only because Zayn left that year. What was one song that was played on the radio a lot? Hahaha I had to look this up since I’m terrible with hit songs and the years they came out. The song that screamed to me the most to mention it is Fetty Wap’s Trap Queen. Shit BLEW up in 2015. I’m listening to it rn just for old time’s sake and it still seriously bops. What was something most people your age owned (or HAD to have)? iPhone 5. At the time, it was the perfect phone in the perfect size. Now I can’t stand seeing one cos I had mine for so long, even while everyone overtook me with iPhone 6′s and 7′s lmao. Was Facebook popular yet? Oh yeah. Very much. What book series was the most popular? I’m not so sure about that. Murakami got really popular in my circle at the time, but I’m not sure if that applies everywhere else. What TV series was the most popular? Probably Game of Thrones. What movie did a ton of people go to see? I had to look this up, but apparently there was an Avengers movie out this year. What kind of clothes were most people wearing? Off-shoulders started to spread in 2015, if I remember correctly. Did you tend to like what was popular, or not really? I was sort of in the middle. I listened to One Direction and Rihanna, but I also liked nonconventional stuff like punk rock and wrestling. It’s the same today. What I Think Now Overall, what was it like to be this age? It was definitely one of the better years. 17 was a defining year, and I lost a lot and gained a lot and learned a lot. I’d have no problem rewinding 2015 if I absolutely had to, even if it meant going through the ugly shit again. Looking back, do you miss being this age? I do. I was happier. Do you prefer being the age you are now? To some extent, yes. I don’t really like dwelling in the past. But I do acknowledge that I was happier when I was 17. Now to make you feel old: What year was it when you were this age? 2015. Pretty recent, sis. Would you relive this age all over again? Already said that I would. I’d want to learn as much as I did that year, all over again.

[hannahxxashley]

**Trigger Warning** (Pictures)

I want to make this post. I found all my old pictures on my flash drive. I thought I had deleted them all, but I only deleted them off my computer. It’s interesting to see my life as it progressed and devolved into the eating disorder and also into the darkest time of my life in Austin. I have all my pictures labeled by date and how much I weighed at the time (if that doesn’t give you a clue into how much the eating disorder rules my life, idk what will) 😂

I started IOP in 2012 and I gained a significant amount of weight. And I was doing ok. 2013 was rough. I went through a breakup in January that year and I started to go out and drink more, but I was still eating, still working on controlling my bulimia. But then at the end of June, I went through another breakup that really messed me up...and then I got raped in the beginning of July 2013. I started using cocaine heavily, anywhere from 4-7 grams a day. These are the pictures I wanted to share. Two from May and June 2013 before the rape happened and three from the end of July and beginning of August, after the rape. I was so broken. I think I told one or two people that it happened? I can’t say for sure because I was so high and drunk all the time that I don’t remember small details, just bits and pieces. All I remember is being in so much pain. Hating myself and wanting to be dead. It makes me sad to see the degradation in these pictures...in just 3 months time. I don’t even look like myself. I took several pictures of myself after the rape, when I was doing cocaine. I wanted to remember how bad it was because there was still a little, tiny piece of me that thought maybe one day life would get better. I wanted to remember how bad it was so I would hopefully never go back.

There is still so much from my time in Austin that I have yet to process in therapy but I am so grateful that I made it out of there alive and I am so grateful that I will be FIVE FUCKING YEARS clean and sober come April lol. My therapist always tells me I’ve lived a full life. I definitely have...a life full of the most unimaginable pain and darkness but also a life full of light and joy that I never thought I would be able to achieve. There is still a lot to be done...but I am so much better than I was 10 years ago, 7 years ago, 5 years ago...and that is enough for me right now.

I just want people to know that no matter what has happened to you, you can overcome the darkness and find the light. It won’t be easy and it won’t be perfect. Some days the light still turns off for me and I struggle, but I’ve come so far and the darkness doesn’t cloud over everything like it used to. Thanks to everyone who has ever supported me and I am very sorry to anyone I have ever hurt as I battled through my own darkness. I try every day to be better than I was.

Big shoutout to my therapist...she has helped me navigate through so much that I never even thought possible. I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. MVP 😂😂😂

Another big shoutout to my mom and dad and my little brother who never gave up on me, even in the darkest times when I wasn’t myself. ULTIMATE MVPS! I love y’all so much.

And to my husband...you truly did save me and show me that life was worth fighting for.

❤️❤️❤️