#(besides the fact i didnt mention it on the phone call making it easier for everyone involved)

[mochinomnoms]

Hi, I would like to make a request for the flower event, please.

Reader- fem or GN

Type: romantic, hurt/comfort, drop of angst

Prompt: prompt 14 and 19 (if not, just 19 works)

flowers: baby’s breath and red roses

quick description: Reader is in love with Riddle but Riddle refuses to accept that he’s in love with them too.

riddle rosehearts x f!reader [tags] – romantic, hurt/comfort, slight angst [wc} – 3, 574 prompt 14: “I'd rather have the thorniest, pesticide ridden roses grow in my mouth before I'd ever admit having any sort of affection for them!” prompt 19: “Dude, are your freckles turning into baby's breath?” “AHH!” notes - whaaaaat this totally didnt take over a year to get out what are you talking about hahahahahaha n e ways enjoy im on a riddle train apparently rn a floral inconvenience

In Mexico, red roses are popular for Día de Muertos celebrations, symbolizing love and passion, the thornless red rose means love at first sight.

The baby's breath flower often represents sincerity, purity, and love in many forms. They also give a meaning of being needed or wanted.

Riddle didn’t actually like roses very much, despite what everyone thought. 

It’s not like he disliked them! No, not at all, he thought they were quite nice, and they were a motif of his homeland and the Queen of Hearts. 

That’s just the thing though, he grew up with them everywhere, from the rose-shaped island the Queendom of Roses took residence, to the field and field of bright red, to his own name, a moniker of an old, noble-lineage family. He was surrounded by roses constantly. 

No, he much preferred something smaller, less flashy. 

Something that reminded him of sweetness, innocence, and still associated with his heritage.

No, Riddle was fond of another flower, one that was often used to accentuate a rose’s beauty.

Baby’s breath: it was small, unassuming, yet darling and delicate. The tiny, white bunches of blooms were truly his favorite flower. 

It also would’ve been much easier to cough up, rather than the large, deep red roses that he was currently choking on. 

“Riddle,” Riddle heard Trey calling for him as he and Cater hovered over him as he was hunched over the trash can. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to take some medicine and stay in your room for the rest of the day? I’m sure everyone will understand if you miss the unbirthday party, the hanahaki has got everyone struggling.”

Riddle dry heaved as he shook his head, reaching for the bottle of water in Cater’s hand, who helpfully opened it for him to chug down. 

Gulping down the bottle like a man who’d been stuck in a desert, Riddle wiped his mouth dry, hoarsely replying. 

“It’s the season for it, half of my class is also out sick. Besides, Rule 164 requires that I give a 24-hour notice for missing an unbirthday party, and it starts in 30 minutes. I’m going.”

He didn’t miss the way Trey and Cater shared a look. Like two parents who’d just heard their child say something ridiculous. 

“Are you sure Riddle? It’s okay to take a sick day sometimes.”

Riddle grunted in response, ignoring Trey as he went to the bathroom connected to his room to wash his face and brush his teeth. The perks of being a housewarden. 

“Yeah, I totes agree with Trey. I mean, even the Prefect has been trying to power through, and she is NOT having a good time!”

Suddenly choking on the mouthwash he was gargling, Riddle spat and coughed for air, causing the two upperclassmen to rush over to him. 

“Riddle! What happened? Did you follow the routine I gave you!”

Reaching for his hand towel to wipe his face clean, Riddle gave Trey a half-hearted glare before moving his gaze to Cater. 

“The Prefect is sick? Is it the flower sickness as well?”

He wanted to collar Cater for the smug smile on his face as he finished his sentence, the ginger tapping on his phone as he spoke. 

“Oh? Maybe, I haven’t seen anything, but Acey and Deucey mentioned she’s been leaving trails of little white flowers everywhere. But fun fact Rids, did you know that her favorite flower is a red rose?”

That familiar, burning sensation filled his cheeks as he huffed, neatly folding his towel back into its place.

“It’s a favorite for many people, even the Queen of Hearts loved the beauty of a brilliant red rose.”

Riddle pushed past the two to head straight for his dresser to grab his crown, securing it on his head. 

“Hey, wait! Riddle! Will you at least go to the nurse after the party?” 

“Fine! As long as nothing goes wrong!”

Of course, when you’re around, many things tend to go wrong. Was it intentional? Was it just the company you kept? Were you really just a troublemaker at heart that thrived on the chaos you sowed?

Riddle thinks it was probably a combination of all the above, but that just made him question why he let you around his dorm still?

“GRIM! GET AWAY FROM THE TABLE! YOUR EARS ARE GONNA MAKE THE FIRE WORSE!”

“WHAT! YOU DROPPED THE CANDLE WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME?!”

Really, why did he let you hang around so much?

“Oh, hi Riddle!” Ah, that’s why, the very (unfortunately) lovely smile you always bore when seeing him. “Uh, don’t mind us! I was just setting some candles for ambience!”

Taking a deep breath, Riddle didn’t fail to notice Ace and Deuce in the background, stomping on the now smoking cloth and finally getting the flame out. 

He also didn’t fail to notice the other students around, flinching as they prepared for him to start screaming. Except for you, you had a…look in your eye as you continued smiling at him. 

(Riddle didn’t want to admit that he recognized that look from his mother and father’s old wedding photos, hidden in the back of the library, covered in dust.)

Thankfully, the red in his cheeks could be mistaken for his usual short temper. 

“Prefect…” Riddle started tapping his foot on the grass, watching from the corner of his eye as his dorm members started backing away in fear. 

“Yes, Riddle?”

“You…” He paused, clamping his mouth shut as he watched freckles grow and bloom into those little white flowers he adored so much. “Your…freckles are turning into baby’s breath.”

You furrowed your brows, reaching up to touch your cheeks as you mumbled confused, “Freckles? What do you…”

Just as your hand met the white petals, one fell into your palm. As if you’d been shocked, you yelped and smacked your cheeks, trying to cover them up in embarrassment.

“AAAAAHHH!” 

Like the fire had been lit under you instead of on the tablecloth, you bolted out of the garden to the main building, most likely to the bathroom to pluck and clean the flowers off your face.

“Oh shi—shoot!” Cater nervously chuckled, shuffling away at Riddle’s disapproving gaze. “I’m gonna go check on her, B.R.B!”

He briskly followed after you, leaving the rest of them to clean up the mess you’d left.

“Ugh, Trey, do you think you could grab one of the spare tablecloths from storage? I’ll assist the others in cleaning up here.”

Trey nodded, walking away as Riddle moved to where Grim, Ace, and Deuce were now carefully removing the trays, china, and cutlery. Deuce was at least, Grim and Ace were quietly arguing. 

“I thought I told you she needed to stay home!”

“I tried!” Grim growled, staring longingly at the macaroons on the plate in front of him before it was snatched away and out of reach by Ace. “Hmph! She wouldn’t listen to me, said she neeeeeeded to be here!”

As he approached, the trio straightened up, though Ace looked more irritated with him than usual. He had been since his overblot. 

“Yeah? What’s up Housewarden?”

“You can start by addressing me more formally” Riddle sighed, eyeing the now bundled up white cloth on the ground. “Secondly, what happened? How in the world did the Prefect manage to start a fire?”

Deuce rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he answered. 

“Oh, she mentioned that she’d been reading more about the unbirthday parties that the Queen of Hearts’s kingdom held and noticed a bunch of art had candles in them. She wanted to impress you and make this one extra ‘aesthetic’, not sure what she meant by that.”

Riddle brought up a hand to cover his mouth, hiding the bashful smile he wanted to let out. 

“Is that so? And you let her?” 

The three shuffled in their spot, sharing glances with each other. 

“Well, yeah/Maybe…/Why not?”

Pain was starting to stab into the sides of his head, making Riddle rub his temples for some semblance of relief. 

“Next time the Prefect wants to contribute her…’aesthetics’ to an unbirthday party, direct her to me please. Do remember, I am in fact the one in charge of this dorm, not her.” 

Turning on his heel, Riddle gestured for Trey to follow him through the rest of the tea garden, pretending he wasn’t listening in to Ace’s grumbling. 

“Could’ve fooled me, she’s got you wrapped around her finger like a dog on a leash…”

Ace yelped, tripping on his feet as he backed away from the sudden point of Riddle’s staff at his nose, the latter’s face burning in rage. 

“How DARE you disrespect me, I am no dog, and I am certainly on no leash!” Riddle’s voice drew the attention of the rest of the students still celebrating, the unbirthday party now going eerily silent. 

“May I remind you just who I am? I am your housewarden, and you will speak to me and about me with basic respect Ace! What even implore you to suggest such a thing I can’t comprehend!”

The ginger scoffed, stiffening as Riddle pointed the staff closer to his nose. Instead, he grabbed onto Deuce’s arm, who made a noise of confusion, and pulled him away back towards the dorm. 

“Whatever, come on Deuce grab Grim, let’s check on (Name) since her little boyfriend won’t.”

Before Riddle could utter another word, the two—and a scruffed Grim—rushed off into the dorm, leaving a fuming Riddle behind with a group of students staring at him. 

“Those little—Trey!” Riddle barked, gesturing for his vice to follow. “Come on, after them! Perhaps some extra chores as punishment will remind them how to speak to me.”

Silently and faithfully, Trey followed Riddle's rage, the redhead so focused on his mission that he failed to notice the frustrated look Trey gave him. 

“Ridiculous, he punches me once for being out of sorts, and he thinks he can just do whatever he’d like!” Riddle was huffing as he spoke, glowering as he walked through the halls, chasing after the sounds of two card soldiers and a direbeast bickering.

“And what does he mean by boyfriend? What a ridiculous suggestion, the Prefect doesn’t have a partner, she would’ve mentioned it, she would have told me—”

“Oh? I didn’t know you two talked about those sorts of things.”

Riddle’s shoulders stiffened, his face slowing as he looked at Trey over his shoulder. The taller man had a smile on his lips, eyes narrowed as he studied his friend. 

“Well, we don’t. But (Name) would have mentioned it during our study sessions, or when we have tea, or at some point in time, I’m sure.”

“Oh, of course Riddle. I’m just wondering why—and please don’t take this the wrong way—you care so much if the Prefect has a boyfriend or not. It certainly doesn’t affect you, does it?”

Sputtering, Riddle turned to face Trey with red cheeks once again, though he’s sure that Trey knows it's for something other than anger.

“Well, I—it’s not that it doesn’t affect me, it's—they’re a dear friend—I just—why are you asking me such a question?”

“Oh come on, Riddle, let me be frank.” Trey’s smile grew, playful and knowing. “It’s not a coincidence that you two are both sick with the same illness. You’re puking roses, unique ones too! I’ve never heard of thornless roses from anyone other than the Prefect.”

Scoffing, Riddle ignored Trey calling out for him as he stomped down the hall into the lounge. The room was empty, perhaps Cater had taken you to the communal washrooms to keep an eye out as you washed up.  

As long as that was all Cater was doing…’

Shaking his head, as if it would make the thought and sudden jealousy go away, Riddle wrinkled his nose and headed off to the direction of the washrooms. He ignored Trey’s rapid footsteps, chasing after him as the other called out. 

“Riddle! Please don’t be angry, I’m just offering a suggestion to help you out. If you just confess your feelings to (Name), then you can get rid of the flower sickness and be back as normal—”

“I WILL NOT!”  Riddle wasn’t sure what made him angrier: Trey suggesting such a thing or Riddle knowing that he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

So what if he liked you? You were his friend, of course he liked you! Nevermind that he only ever grew tight in his chest with you around. That his heart soared when you laughed. Or that he only ever wanted to be gentle and sweet when with you. But there were too many factors at play here. 

He had to get his mother’s approval to begin courting you, which was already a major obstacle. Then he’d have to adhere to the Queen of Heart’s rules of courtship as Housewarden, which had about 20 steps to it. 

Then there’s the obvious issue of you potentially returning home. What would happen if you were to leave mid-courtship? Riddle only plans for the long term, what if you left during your engagement? During marriage? And if you chose to stay, who’s to say you wouldn’t start resenting him for pressuring you to stay with his declaration of affection.

All that, and he’s not even sure if these feelings are from admiration or something more. The baby’s breath freckles didn’t confirm anything, those could be from anyone else! 

“I am perfectly fine the way I am, Trey!” Riddle snapped, missing the way Trey’s eyes looked past him, widening. “I don’t need to confess to (Name) of all people, I’m more than capable of handling this illness myself. In fact, I'd rather have the thorniest, pesticide-ridden roses grow in my mouth before I'd ever admit having any sort of affection for them!”

“Oh…”

Whipping around, Riddle felt a wash of dread fall over him at the sight of your sweet, heartbroken face as you stared at him like he’d just driven a knife into your chest. Cater, Ace, and Deuce were right behind you, all staring at you as if expecting you to burst into tears. Even Grim, now in your arms, was looking up at you with concern. 

“Ah, P-Prefect! I didn’t mean it like—”

“It’s fine, y-you’re fine,” You sniffled, rubbing at your eyes as if willing away your tears before they could fall. “Um, I think I should go back to my dorm.”

Cater placed a hand on your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “No, no! Stay, you helped out so much with the decorations, you should have a treat!”

“Yes, please Prefect.” Riddle pleaded, noticing the way Ace and Deuce gave him looks. Deuce seemed conflicted, flickering between you and Riddle, though Ace had a rather distasteful sneer. “Stay, you’re always welcome here, please disregard what I said, I was just feeling rather heated at the moment.”

You purse your lips, locking eyes with him for just a moment, before Ace leaned in close to you to murmur something in your ear. Clicking your tongue, you waved him away, shaking your head in disapproval. 

“You’re not punching him again, Ace.”

“What? Look I’m just offering…” Ace sighed, rolling his eyes before glaring at Riddle again. 

“Cut it out Ace. It’s fine, I’m just going back to Ramshackle, okay? I’ll see you guys on campus.”

Before any of them could stop you, you rushed off, ducking as Ace and Deuce both reached to grab you. 

“Oh, (Name), please! Let me apologize.” For someone who was so quick to reject the idea of talking with you just moments ago, Riddle was quickly chasing after you, calling out to Trey before closing the main doors behind him. “Trey, ensure the rest of the party goes well!”

Before he knew it, you’d slipped into the mirror, the glass surface glimmering like water. He followed suit, seeing you just as you were exiting the Hall of Mirrors. 

“Prefect! (Name)! Wait, allow me to escort you back.” Riddle quickly caught up to you, coughing red petals as he did. “(Name), please…”

You had little bursts of baby’s breath blooming from your head and face, once again freckling you. He didn’t miss the way you looked at him from the corner of your eyes, letting out a sigh. 

“It’s fine, Riddle. You don’t have to humor me, it’s fine if you don’t feel the same.”

Riddle’s lips thinned as he watched you let Grim go, gesturing for him to run ahead, which he obliged. 

“I just wish you wouldn’t have said it out loud like that.” You paused, finally making eye contact as you asked, “Do you even like me as a friend?”

“Of course I do.” He confessed, tightly swallowing as he tried to come up with an excuse. “You’re a very dear friend, I just lost my temper and—”

“You can’t always use your temper as an excuse, it’s not fair to anyone. Especially not me, it’s not my fault that the idea of a romance with me is so rage inducing.”

You griped, crossing your arms and scoffing as Riddle moved to stand in front of you, halting your steps. Riddle could feel the heat under his skin, flowers blooming in his chest as he coughed out flowers, no doubt he was as red as his hair right now.

“What? Am I making you angry now? Why don’t you go to whoever’s making you cough the flower and I’ll deal with mine on my own—”

“Stop talking and let me apologize!”

“No! You’re only sorry because I heard you and you felt bad that I started crying a bit! Well, don’t worry, I won’t confess! Deuce said that the nurse has potions that help so you don’t have to feel guilty—”

“Will you shut up and—” Riddle felt himself choking, coughing out another batch of roses, before breathing in and continuing. “—ugh, let me speak—”

“No! I—ack!” You followed suit, though your fit was softer thanks to the delicateness of the flowers, small white petals falling from your lips. “— eugh. I just want to go lay down in my room, is that too much to ask?”

“It is when you’re the reason these flowers grow in my chest!” Riddle snapped back, a bit satisfied at the shocked look on your face.

“You—wait, what?”

Taking a deep breath, Riddle grasped your hands in his and brought them close to his chest. Step one of the Queen of Heart’s courting rules: hold your beloved close and hold eye contact. It cannot be broken, or else you void your right to their heart.

“(Name), please. My words were not from a place of anger, but of fear. Putting a name to these feelings of mine means acknowledging the hold you have on my heart.”

He relaxed, noticing the way your eyes softened, your own hands tightening around his own. 

“There are many factors I have been considering, one of which is your eventual return home.” RIddle sighed, noticing the way looked down, as if you didn’t want to think about that possibility either. “As much as I would like to have you stay by my side forever, I cannot allow myself to be the reason you miss that opportunity. You deserve happiness outside of my own.”

“But, what if I want to stay Riddle? You can’t say that like I can’t make my own decisions.” You spoke with a firmness that you rarely used with him, reserved for when your friends were up to a ridiculous scheme. 

“I don’t know if I’ll ever find a way home, but that sort of decision isn’t up to you, it’s mine alone.” You gave him a sweet smile, that same one he’s seen in his parents’ dusty wedding photos. “I wouldn’t mind staying here with you even if I did. All I need to know is if you feel the same, Riddle. If you care for me like I do for you.”

“I…” You stepped ever closer, your clasped hands pressing against Riddle’s chest. His grip tightened as you pressed your forehead against his own, eyes still locked. “Making such promises (Name), do you know what you’d be getting yourself into. With me, with my family?”

“And?” Soft as a whisper, sweet as a tart, you dared to brush your lips against his. Riddle couldn’t bring himself to point out that you skipped straight to step 11—display your affection with a kiss on the lips—of the Queen of Heart’s rules of courting. 

“As long as you feel the same about me, I’m happy to go through anything for you. But only if you feel the same.”

“I…can’t.” Riddle let go of your hand to press a thumb against your lips, firm but gentle as he watched your shocked face relax. 

Thornless roses and fragile baby’s breaths grew at your feets, curling around each other as if trying to make their own bouquet. 

“I feel something so strong, so mind numbing, so impossibly sweet, I feel something so much worse, and yet enthralling, that it’s impossible to say I feel exactly the same. You must take responsibility for these feelings in my heart, like the King of Hearts taking responsibility for the Queen. Understood?”

A smile grew on your lips as he pulled his thumb away with you nodding. Riddle allowed himself to break the rules, just this once, and skip to the 11th step once more.

comments and reblogs appreciated 🩷

[humanmorph]

work was actually kinda fun today very productive. i also did something im STILL kicking my own ass about

[ninak803]

Long-distance relationships suck

So, some inspiration hit me last night & I wanted to get some good rest tonight so I had to write it down. Maybe my brain shuts up tonight.

Here is some O'Darwin for you!

Thank you @asunshinepuff for proof reading ❤️

All characters belong to @lumosinlove 🥰

~~

Alex looked at his phone as it started ringing. It was Finn.

“What's up?” he said, answering the phone.

“Hey Alex. Just wanted to give you a call. You good?”

Alex smiled. He and Finn haven't talked in a while, both of them pretty occupied with the ongoing hockey season, but talking with his brother was always a good thing.

“Yeah, sure. Bit busy, you know. How about you? Everything's alright? How are Leo and Logan?”

“We're good, really. Leo's in the kitchen, preparing dinner, and Lo is with him. I'm sure he's trying to distract Peanut but he’ll disguise it as helping him. So everything’s pretty normal.”

Alex could hear the smile in his little brother's voice, he could hear the love he had for his boys and he knew the look on his face when he talked about them.

He felt his heart clench. He was happy for Finn, of course he was. His little brother deserves the world, that much is sure, but he couldn't help it but feel a sting in his heart when he heard the happiness in his voice. That was because Alex partners where so far away and he missed Kasey and Nat dearly. He hasn't seen them in a while now as the hockey season was in full swing right now, as already mentioned.

They talked of course. A lot. But it was something totally different to actually be with them and everytime they ended the calls he needed some time to patch his heart back together.

To be honest: Long distance sucked. It really sucked.

Alex was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed the silence on the other end of the phone.

“Alex, what's wrong? Come on, tell me.”

“Why do you think something's wrong?”

“Well, for once you didn't send me any annoying snaps in 7 days now and besides I do know you. So?” his brother insisted.

Alex sighed. He didn't know how people around him could call Finn oblivious. He definitely wasn't when it came to Alex and he knew Finn wouldn't shut up until he told him. Maybe it was a good idea to talk about it.

“It's just… It's Nat and Kase. I miss them. Fuck, I miss them so much, Finn. And it hurts, like physically, you know?” Alex swallowed. 

Speaking it out loud didn't make it any easier, it just made it more true.

There was a short silence.

“I already figured out it might have something to do with them. Kasey’s have really been down the last few days. You know they miss you too, don't you?”

Alex nodded though Finn couldn't see it, so he said:

“Yeah, I know that. We talk a lot. It's not that I think they don't miss me or anything, that's not it. It's really only the fact that I miss them so much and I hate the distance and I hate hockey. No. Scratch that I don't hate hockey, of course. I only hate that we have so little time to see each other right now because of the season. And I know I should be happy to have these amazing two people actually love me, but right now it feels like everything sucks and I know it's wrong, but...” Alex rambled.

“Hey, it's okay to feel that way. It really is. I bet it isn't easy to be apart more often than not.” Finn said in a soft voice, then he laughed.

“I always freak out when Leo and Logan are gone for a couple of days, I really do. I'm sorry. I know it's different… Just… I want you to know it's okay. It sucks, yeah, but you three are so good for each other. You make them so happy, it's almost hilarious how Winter’s  face lights up when he mentions you, his goalie face isn't so unreadable anymore then.”

“Thanks, Finn. I know it's going to be okay. Its just a lot right now and, god, I hate being all this emotional.”

“Yeah, me too. But it's worth it for the right people. It really is.”

Alex sighed.

“I know.”

There was another moment of silence.

“Hey, when do you have the next weekend off?”

“In three weeks. Why?”

“Why don't you just pay them a surprise visit?”

That was a fantastic idea and Alex's mood lightened up immediately with the thought.

“Can you make sure they don't make any other plans?”

“Sure. We have a game that weekend, so they can't go anywhere. I won't tell them anything, I promise. Just… please don't do anything in the locker room, I don't want to walk in on you again.”

Alex laughed.

It happened some months ago. Alex was at Gryffindor to visit them. The thing between him, Natalie and Kasey was relatively new, but Finn already knew, thank god. He had watched their match, against whom he couldn't remember anymore, but it was a bad loss and he wanted to check on Kasey when everyone else was already outside and he still was in the locker room. So he went inside, where Kasey was sitting, still damp from the shower, wearing nothing but his towel. They talked for a while, but talking turned into kissing rather quickly, and that was the moment Finn chose to come back. All he could see was an almost naked Kasey and Alex with his hands on his bare chest, making out right there.

“Nothing happened there. I already told you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Mhm.”

Alex laughed again. 

Talking to Finn was a good idea.

~

Alex grabbed his bag and stepped out of the cab. He pulled the beanie more over his head, the wind was pretty cold and it was about to snow soon in Gryffindor, he could already smell the snow. He walked the two flights of stairs up to Kaseys and Nats flat fast, his heart beating fast but not from the little exercise.

He was standing in front of the door, trying to calm down. He was excited and maybe a little tired from not sleeping much last night.

After a short knock on the door it was opened by Natalie. She looked up at him, her facial expression changing quickly between confusion, doubt, and then, finally, happiness. A huge smile spread across her face. She threw herself at him and Alex pulled her in close, he wished he never had to let her go.

“Surprise.” he whispered in her ear.

Nat placed her hands around his neck, pulling him down a little bit so she could kiss him.

Oh, Alex had missed her.

He followed her inside, not letting go of her hand. She took his bag from him just to let it fall onto the couch.

“Why didn't you say anything? I could have picked you up from the airport! Oh, Kasey will be so happy. I can't wait to see his face.”

Alex pulled her closer again, his hands on her waist.

“I've missed you and I wanted to surprise you.”

“It worked. God, I'm so happy right now. I just thought about calling you, to be honest, but this is so, so much better.”

Her hand was on his cheek now, trailing his cheekbone gently. He looked into her eyes, slowly getting lost in them. 

Alex leaned down and placed another kiss on her lips, softly and innocent.

“Kasey is still at the rink. He'll be back soon.”

“Yeah, I know. I've talked with Finn.” he smiled and she flashed a smile back.

They went to sit down on the couch together, pushing his bag carelessly to the floor so they had the full length to stretch out. Natalie was lying in Alex's arms, her head on his shoulder, giving small kisses to his neck every now and then. Alex trailed his hand along her spine, up and down, holding her as close as possible. They were just lying there enjoying the proximity after being way too long without it. 

Alex could feel how the stress of the last days began fading away immediately. Kasey will be here soon and he really couldn't wait for him.

20 minutes later, 20 minutes he spent cuddling with Nat on the couch just holding her and listening while she was talking about her day, Alex heard the key in the main door. 

Natalie sat up on the couch and Alex did the same, looking at Kasey, who stared at him blankly.

“What… What the fuck?”

He walked over to them quickly, sitting down next to Alex and kissing him again and again.

Alex laughed under his lips.

“Slow down. I'm not going anywhere the next 2 days.”

But Kasey didnt stop and Alex was glad. He pulled him closer, their kisses becoming more passionately soon.

Kissing Kasey was different. Nats lips were all soft and she was gentle, Kasey was more forceful and Alex loved both. He loved Nats slim fingers in his and he loved to feel Kaseys rough hands on his skin. They were two totally different people and they were perfect for him, they made him feel complete.

“Aren't you going to say hello to me, love?” Nat said teasingly.

Alex felt Kasey smile under his lips and he let go of him a little bit. Kasey looked at Nat, both of them smiling. He leaned over to kiss her and Alex never wanted to be somewhere else.

Kasey sat back and looked at Alex, holding Nats hand now with his one hand and his other hand lying on Alex's thigh.

“Since when are you here?”

“Maybe half an hour.”

“Finn knew, didn't he? That’s why he was looking at me before he left, grinning like a maniac.”

Alex grinned at him.

“Exactly! That's the same grin!” Kasey exclaimed.

“ 'Course he knew.”

“ 'Course he knew.” Kasey repeated after him.

~

Alex and Natalie were in the stands, Nat wearing a Winter jersey, of course she did. Alex didn't though, he didn't want to bring any bad luck for his own team. He wasn't superstitious, but he didn't have to provoke anything.

It was last period, only 5 minutes left in the game. The Lions were leading with one goal, but it was a tough game. The opponent’s number 23 stole the puck from Finn, who didn't hesitate for a second and went after him. Probably beating himself up a bit for not blocking good enough, or for not shooting the puck to Tremblay, who was right next to him. Number 23 took the puck over the ice towards the Lions goal, passing it to his teammate. He had a clear shot on the goal, but Kasey saved it, catching it with his glove.

Cheers erupted from the fans, shouting Kasey’s name and Alex and Nat joined in.

Alex leaned down to her so she could hear him through the noise.

“I hate it when Kase gets that look, that stare when I come close to his goal. It freaks me out so much. He's unreadable, I swear.”

She grinned at him.

“It works.”

Alex nodded.

“Hell yeah, it does.”

The Lions won 4:2. Black made another goal in the last minute. Kasey looked up to where they were standing and both of them gave him a thumbs-up, smiling.

~

Alex sat next to Finn on a couch, Logan on his lap. They were waiting for Leo to drive home after the game and Alex waited for Kasey. More team members joined them, they were talking about the game enthusiastically. Natalie was standing aside, talking on the phone to her mom.

“Hey Harzy.”

Both, Alex and Finn, turned around to Kasey.

He stood next to Natalie, holding her hand, and smiled.

“I mean my Harzy.”

Alex got up and Finn pouted.

“Why am I not your Harzy? I'm your team mate. He's only your boyfriend.” Finn gestured at Alex and tried to look offended, but the smile on his lips gave him away.

Alex ruffled Finns hair.

“See you tomorrow.”

He walked over and gave Kasey a kiss on the cheek, which was still flushed from the shower.

“You did an amazing job out there on the ice, Kase.” Alex said and gave him another kiss, this time on the lips.

Alex loved them both. He loved them so much and he wished he could stay forever. But he knew he had to get back to Florida rather sooner than later.

He pushed the thought aside. The only thing he wanted to do now was to celebrate Kasey and spend time with the two of them, as long as possible.

Alex kissed Natalie, then took her hand and, laced together with their hands, the three of them made their way home.

[lukebaker-archive]

Road To Hell .

Date: Saturday, January 2020 Key:  TW Drug Relapse , @dallas-micheal Sober/Clean: 0 days.

Luke: Everything was still, but Luke's mind had been racing. The days and nights had melted together and no matter how fast the world was moving around him, it felt as if his body was glued to the car seat. His nose was on fire, dry, but craving for more substances to inflame his nose was all he needed. Reaching for his phone, he grunted to himself. No service, no drugs. "Fuck." Luke forced himself up, his pulse rising, the world spinning, and the only thing he could think of was his cravings. That was when the lightbulb hit him. Luke forcefully pulled up the floor liner on his passenger side, a small plastic baggie with white powder taking over his thoughts. Within the next seconds, his body went into autopilot, drawing the line and praying for some kind of comfort to avoid the withdraw.

Dallas: It was odd when his right hand didnt answer his texts. Even more odd when he wouldnt answer his calls. Dallas left a few messages for Luke, letting him know Becky was on the lookout and everyone was wondering where Degrassis resident playboy had went. He knew if Luke wanted to be found then the boy would let people know of his presence. "Im gonna head for a walk," Dallas called out into the abyss of the Torres home, knowing someone heard him before he left. Ever since the Vanessa drama, and not having Luke around to discuss and distract. He was left to his own devices, and going for a walk seemed like his best and favorite option. It had been about half an hour when Dallas decided that he should probably head back home, but as he turned the corner to go the back route home, a familiar sight caught his eye. He would've recognized that car anywhere, but why was it in this neighborhood. As he started walking towards the car, he realized someone was in the car. "Luke!" He called out as he neared the same the vehicle

Luke: He could hear his name in the distance, but Luke was too transfixed in his own mind to let himself be bothered. His body relaxed into the chair, the numbness in his body grabbing onto his body. Luke had missed this feeling. The world was quiet. The fighting in his head had finally silenced and he was safe inside his own head, but it would come at a cost. First he had images of Fiona at first to comfort him, to carry him into safer dreams, but he knew better than that. The safer dreams needed to erase Fiona, Becky, anyone who mattered for that fact to fully feel everything. All he had was darkness, that's what he wanted.

Dallas: He scrunched his brows when no one responded, he kept walking towards the car. He realized the drivers door was popped open as he got closer. "Luke," He spoke as he finally made his way towards the door. Eyes immediately training on the little baggie sat on the passengers seat. "Fuck," He spoke as he looked down at his friend, he knew all to well where the boy was in his high. He shook his head as he quickly grabbed the baggie and shoved it. He spoke quickly, trying to get eye contact with his friend. He was supposed to help this from happening, he tried to help the boy. And had done decently up until this point, or so he had thought.

Luke: The cool breeze threw Luke off as the figure was speaking out to him. He simply nodded I response to his best friend. Or at least what he believed was his best friend. Everything was bright and in focus despite the darkness of the night, but he couldn't pull his friends face or name from his mind. Only Dallas' voice was able to reach to Luke. A sniffle as he reached over to make another line. His eyes widen not being there. "Fuckin' hell. Where'd I put it," he whispered mainly to himself. "You got it right? You saw where it was?" His thoughts weren't on anything else but riding this high out. He felt his inner self screaming in the back of his mind, but the urge was too strong. "Come on, man. I just need one more bump."

Dallas: He shook his head at his friend, the boy barely knew what was happening besides his next fix. The boy was already high as a kite, "What you need is to move over so I can drive us out of this place," He stopped himself from calling the boy a fucking idiot. He knew the history, why it was his kryptonite. He understood the thrill of the drug, he was lucky to not get to the same point as Luke, at least with the ivory powder. "We'll go to my place," He didnt have his keys on him, but Luke was given a key to his place the day his mom met him. "We can chill there and Ill let you have all the bumps,"

Luke: "Just lemme get one more on the way there," Luke spoke erratically. He didn't feel in control of his body as he lifted out of the car. Instead of walking around the car, Luke forced himself into the back seat, laying on his back forcing to stare at the car roof. The drive wouldn't take long, but Luke didn't know that. He barely knew where he was right now and all he could focus on was the next line. "Lemme get just one before we get there. Just something small to keep the edge off."

Dallas: Dallas got in the car quickly starting it and pulling out, checking on Luke through the rear view, "You'll be fine, its a couple minutes. Do you know how long you been gone?" He quizzed, already assuming the boys answer. If it had been anything like how Dallas found him then he definitely didn't even know the time of day let alone day of the week. "I got some shit to tell you when we get there. As always its about Vanessa, I already know what youll say," He tried to discuss anything but the drugs, hoping it would at least distract the boy.It had been a while since he'd done anything, now Dallas was just wondering what ignited it.

Luke: Luke's face turned confused at the question. "Uh, depends? Is the dance still going on?" His brain was fuzzy with the timeline and he felt like he was forgetting something. Or someone? "Was I supposed to do something?" He hadn't thought he was gone from the Match Dance that long, but then again the amount of sunrises he had seen and forgotten made him think differently. "I always liked you and V. She smells like vanilla and made you less of a dick," Luke laughed to himself. "Your game was better too. Maybe it was the lack of V from V," he continued his laugh even distracting him from himself.

Dallas: Dallas furrowed his brows, remembering someone saying Luke left them at the dance, "Its about a week later buddy, and I think you may be right about forgetting someone. Cant remember who," He shrugged as he pulled onto his road, the familiarity hitting him immediately. Dallas couldnt help the chuckle that left his mouth, "She smells like vanilla with a hint of citrus, but only if you're close enough," He failed to mention the light leather scent she held due to the countless jackets she owned, and the lettermans she borrowed. "She always had twisted ways of getting me to focus," He chuckled lightly, before a frown over took his features, "Unfortunately, she needs time for herself," He sighed as he pulled into his driveway, parking the car. "I get it and all, but I just fucking got her back into my life,"

Luke: "A week?" Luke raised an eyebrow. The time couldn't have been passed through that much, could it have? "She needs time alone or you let her push her away?" Luke called him out. Luke didn't know much, but even in his mind he had clarity about things sober Luke didn't want to speak about. "Fi did something stupid when I let her be alone. Don't let it happen to her either. You don't wanna see her like that," he said lowly. The mention of Fiona shook Luke's head. He didn't want to think about her right now. Her face began flushing in his mind with disappointment and replaying the night before she was hospitalized. All that guilt and hurt circling back, fixating on his mind. "Fuck, gimme the baggie." Luke's voice more forceful. "I need it."

Dallas: "She just said she isn't herself and she inst that happy. She cant be with me if she doesn't know herself type of thing i guess," He turned as he heard the shift in Lukes tone. "You good? Whats going through your mind?" He could see a few different emotions crossing his face but couldn't make em all out. "Lets head inside," He got outta the car, making his way to the door to unlock it. If he got Luke inside first, it'll be a lot easier to keep him there for a bit of time. At least to try and detox him before bringing him home.

Luke: "And you just /left/? Sounds like a cry for help, but what do I know," Luke replied, chuckling. The laughter echoed in his head even though he had stopped being audible with it. He just needed a sound to get Fiona's image out of his head. "Just give me my damn drugs." Luke's voice was aggressive as he leaned up from his the backseat. Against his own mind, Luke's body followed Dallas' words only for the powder he was holding. He was hard on his feet, heavy in his steps as he made his way to the Torres' residence. The last thing he needed was a lecture from Audra so he remained quiet without being told sold. Luke's sniffling had become heavy now, "I did what you asked. Draw me a line, would'ja."

Dallas: "I didnt know what else to do Luke. The love of my life was telling me she couldnt be with me and I panicked. Shes the only girl ive ever loved and honestly more than likely will ever love," He thought about Lukes words, he knew he needed to eventually talk to her about the situation. But he also assumed she wanted her space for a little bit, and honestly he needed his too. Dallas sighed as he pulled the baggie from his pocket. "How bout I indulge with you? A little bro bonding,"

Luke: "Look, dumbass, the love of my life told me the same thing. I left her alone and next thing i knew she had drank herself to the bottom of the staircase. I'm not letting you make the same mistake," Luke spoke trying to reason. All he could see in his mind right now was Fiona in that hospital bed and it was beginning to eat at him. He wanted to forget, he needed to forget. The drug must have been wearing off because he was beginning to see clearly again. The baggie made the "Yeah, yeah man. It'll help you forget her. Help us forget them both," he spoke quickly. It was beginning to hurt and at this point he'd say whatever. "You won't think about her or any of them, just one line."

Dallas: "So that's what really happened. I knew she didn't go to Paris," He shook his head as he took the baggie out of his pocket. Opening it, he glanced at Luke noticing him looking in the opposite direction before he "accidentally" dropped the baggie all into the carpet. "Fuck!" He said loudly trying to play it off as if the bag slipped. "They need to put fucking grips on these things,"

Luke: "Call your fucking girlfriend." Luke's eyes stayed focus on the bagging until he thought he had heard footsteps. In that quick second everything had turned red. The powder was completely on the floor and he was on his knees trying to pick any trace up. The rage grew on his face as he snarled up at Dallas. "You need to get me more! I can't... I can't go back," he rambled. "You gotta help me man. You gotta get me more."

Dallas: "Im sorry it slipped!" He had never seen the amount of anger on Lukes face as he had in that moment. He knew he couldnt go get him more, let alone leave him by himself. "Sit," He spoke calmly, pointing to the spot on the opposite end of the couch. "Do you think if I call her she'll actually answer? I did leave her in the middle of the a diner, " He silently begged that he would just forget, and focus on the conversation.

Luke: He could only sink into the seat, knowing the inevitable was coming. "Ask yourself the same thing, if she called would you answer?" he replied. Luke was stubborn and impulsive, but the one thing you couldn't say about him was he didn't know how to treat people he loved, well not in this mindstate anyway. "If you're gonna make me suffer, can you at least get me a beer to try and ride this?" It was a shallow statement, only needing him away from a quick moment so he can try to save everything that was on the carpet.

Dallas: "Fair point," He looked at his phone that was sat on the edge of the table. He had stopped himself many times in the past couple days from picking it up and texting her. "You think Momma Dallas has alcohol? Funny," He chuckled, after his dad went away his mom decided that alcohol was the reason, and no more would be allowed. "I may have a bottle of vodka in my room if you wanna go check," He shrugged, " Not positive however," He grabbed the television remote, turning it on and switching the HDMI so they could use the PlayStation.

Luke: only shook his head, knowing he was going to have to find a whole new stash all on his own. His eyes just stayed focus on carpet, not even noticing Dallas turning his attention to the tv. He could feel the comedown happening, his mind leaving high alert and his body trying to avoid the mania that was coming. He leaned back into the couch, just ready tp let the suffering kick in.

[chocojjk-sideblog]

Shocked and Confused

Words: 1.6k

Summary: “the reader is tom’s best friend and she’s in love with him but he likes zendaya”

(A/N): @ the anon who requested this, im so sorry this took so long. I hope you enjoy it as much as i had fun writing it, thank you for the request ☺︎,, oof, i almost forgot to mention, i based this off of the movie “Im Drunk, I Love You”

When feelings started to surface for the curly headed boy, you were left shocked and confused. Tom Holland was your best friend. And you shouldn't be having feelings for your best friend...right? I mean, you never had them before, why now?

It all started when you guys were sixteen. Tom took care of you after you found out your boyfriend of six months have been cheating on you. Honestly, you could care less for the cheating bastard. Him leaving you didn't hurt. What hurt though, was knowing that you weren't good enough for someone. That he easily manipulated you and that you let yourself eat up all his lies.  

“Any guy would be lucky to have you, you know,” Tom whispered, a way to try and soothe you. As soon as you called him and he had heard your cries from over the phone, he was at your door in less than a second, pints of ice cream in one hand and a bottle of alcohol in the other, which you assumed he stole from his parents cabinet. By how fast he got to your house, you wondered why he got the role for Spiderman and not The Flash, but that's besides the point. That night, you guys talked and talked, until all you heard were the quiet snores coming out of his mouth. Deciding to just let the boy sleepover, you looked over at him, the way he was sleeping, your night light shining on him making him look like an angel.

And that's when it hit you. You were in love with your best friend.

Flash forward to the present day and you guys are now 22 years of age. You have been in love with your best friend for a total of 2,190 days or, in more simpler terms, 6 years. For 6 years you’ve kept this secret to yourself, afraid that if he ever finds out then the whole dynamic of your guys’ relationship would change. You’ve watched him go on dates, even saw girls come and go, some staying longer than others but never actually staying. Fearing that you’d end up being one of those girls, you never confessed.

Every time he needed you, you were there in a heartbeat. He needed a wing woman? You’re at his side. Girl problems? Your ears were always attentive, listening to every word he said, giving him advice when he needed them. A girl broke his heart? You guessed it! There you were, wiping away his tears, taking care of him the way you should've been taking care of yourself. But you couldn’t help it, you would do anything to keep the smile on his face, even if that means hurting yourself.

“Oh my god y/n, so Zendaya said something funny on set today but i mean when is she not funny,” Tom exclaimed, snapping you out of your thoughts as he entered your apartment. 

You lived near the set location of Spiderman: Far From Home and seeing that you had a vacant room, you offered it to the boy. It was a win-win, he gets a free room and you get to see him and that was enough for you.

“Yeah, what did she say?” you questioned, plastering a small smile on your face, seeming to be interested in the conversation when in all honesty, you’d rather be talking about something else, anything else.

“She said that -” as he continued to talked about her, you fade back into your thoughts. Thinking back to last month, the first time he told you that he had feelings for the actress.

“I really like her y/n, i really think she can be the one,” Tom gushed. You smiled at him, hiding the fact that your heart just broke into a million pieces. He’s never said that about the other girls and it broke you that he wasn't saying it about you.  

“That's great! im glad to hear that someone has finally caught your eye,” you said excitedly, hoping that he doesn't notice your pained expression and since he was so caught up with his newly discovered feelings, he never even paid attention.

“What should I do?” he asked you. Tom valued your opinion more than anyone. After all, you knew him more than anyone, even more than Harrison, and that's saying something. You have seen all sides of him, the good and the bad, so if anyone has to give him any advice, it has to be you.

“You said you liked her so just go for it!” you exclaimed.

‘Go for it’ ~ Oh, how you set yourself up for heartbreak. 

You could’ve told him then and there but all your fears just continues to haunt you. The fear of losing the friendship and the fear of not being good enough all jumbled together. However, you truly believed that it was easier this way.  

“Anyways she’s having a party tonight and she told me to invite you and - wait are you even listening to me?” Tom inquired as he looked at you, snapping you out of your thoughts once again.

“..yeah, yeah you said she’s having a party tonight,” you replied, waving him off as you took a sip from your water.

“Ok well, can you please be there, i think im going to confess to her tonight and i need all the support i can get,” Tom informed you, giving you his best puppy dog eyes knowing that you wouldn't be able to resist.

Almost choking from your water, you nod at him, “i wouldn't miss it for the world,” you cheered as he tackled you onto the sofa, giving you a hug and softly planting kisses on your cheeks.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Tom exclaimed, your guys laughter filling the room. “You should probably get ready because it's in 2 hours,” he finished.

You look at him, your eyeballs almost popping out your sockets, “Thomas Stanley Holland, i haven't even showered! Oh my god!” you yelled as you ran into your bathroom and out of his arms to get ready, his laughter still ringing in your ear.

--

You guys have now arrived at the party and you felt like an absolute outsider. You didn't know anyone besides the Homecoming cast and so you stayed by them the entire time. Seeing Tom interact with Zendaya just took pieces from your heart left and right. Realizing that Tom didn't need you and that he knew what he was doing, you ventured off into the house, looking for something to drink.

You were supposed to stop after 6 shots, knowing that if you took more, you’d be beyond your “fun” alcohol stage, and will reach the “sad-girl” stage. However you couldn't stop it, you needed something to ease the pain, and right now, vodka seemed to be your best friend.You didn’t mean to get so drunk, and you didnt mean for the next events to start happening.

You were now seated at the edge of Tom’s bed in the bedroom you have gladly offered him. Tom grabbed the makeup wipes you kept in the bathroom and started removing your ruined makeup. He found you midway into the party drunk as hell, slurring words and laughing like a maniac. Knowing that you probably have had enough, he decided to just leave the party early with you in his arms.

“Why the hell did you get so drunk, y/n?” he chuckled, amused at the way you were poking his free hand, a smile still instilled on your face as he removed your lashes. “Weren't you supposed to be my support system?” he said jokingly, flashing you a smile as he started to make his way to your eyeshadow.

It took you a while to process what he has said, considering that the alcohol was still buzzing in your system. “Heh. sorry,” you finally replied with a toothy grin until you remembered the reason why he needed support. Your smile disappearing, you stare at him as he carefully takes off your lipstick, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at your lips, a clear determination to get rid of the red paint.

“I’m in love with you,” you quietly whispered, catching his attention. He stops to look at you, taking his hand off your lips as you look down at your lap.

“For 6 years, i've been in love with you,” you admitted, “6 years,” you sniffled out as tears started to flow out of your eyes. Not wanting him to see you, you brought your hands up to your face, a way to shield yourself from his unwavering eyes.

“6 years,” you whispered again, your muffled cries filling the tension-filled air. You’ve ruined the friendship and you know it. There was no going back now.  

Tom takes a seat beside you. Slowly he brings his hand up to your face, wiping away your tears. “Come here,” he whispers as you continued to cry into his shoulders. He tries to shush you but nothing was working. Again, he grabbed your face, making you face him this time. He gives you a small kiss on the forehead, as he made his way down. First, to kiss the tears that have escaped from your eyes, then down to your nose, and finally, your lips.

You kiss him back, the taste of alcohol on the tip of your tongues. He gently leads you back making you lay down on the bed and that's when you realize what was actually happening. You continued to kiss him for a while, savouring the feeling of his lips on yours before you stopped it. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you hugged him tightly as your tears continued to make their way down your cheeks. He sighs into your neck, hugging you back and then - you gently pushed him off. Not even sparing a glance at him, you walked out of his room and into yours, leaving him in his bed - shocked and confused.

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

[lovestill-exists]

money

currency. that thing we chasing. i literally told a kid today that i needed to get a covid test so that i could eat tomorrow.

really, thats just an exaggeration though. To be honest, BrUTALLY so-- i am awful with the stuff.

I lost my wallet while running down the beach bed, flirting with the waves up to my ankles. the bitch stole it. ive been feeling that itch of something taking it the entire day. but what did i do? I pushed that sense out of the way, finding it really annoying. but it wasn’t wrong, was it? it never is

i felt like an idiot. especially when i was whispering wishes to the ocean, asking her about something completely different.. i trusted it was listening, answering my questions in its own, vague way the universe typically does.

instead, it swept up my wallet and gave me false hopes. im livid. genuinely mad

also, the job i took the covid test for isnt responding back to me. probably cos theyre on location and i was meant to look for a breakfast place for 40 people, but i didnt.. cos i told them i needed the address. “please send me the address to your location for tomorrow and i can get right on that” but nope. my hiring location scout told me a sad story instead over the phone, where she had awful reception and i couldn't hear half the words she said.. tried to tell her i couldnt hear her very well, that if she could quickly text me the information id need, then i can start doing my job.. but i doubt she heard me.

i called her again after getting back to my apartment to ask for that information

three hours later, she calls back but doesnt leave a voicemail

i call her back half an hour later and she answers, then hangs up.no call back.

and at this point, im not even mad if i dont work tomorrow. free covid test. ill get my results and have these days off again. I can make my doctor’s appointment.

will i be able to pay for the damn appointment. yes.

will it hurt to do it? only my ego..

I only have the foresight to be able to save a shitton of money if i need it.. call it a cautionary evil, quite necessary but.. its not as big of a basin as id like it to be. sometimes i wonder if im good at anything else.. make money on the side doing.. something else besides being a badass on set

cos set life isnt how it used to be. safe, that is.

I’m not above taking pictures of my feet, for instance.

but maybe.. i should look a lil deeper. I’m also not above working a 9-5 again

at least, until i find this thing im meant to be doing, besides rescuing dogs or something.. at least rescuing someone else, instead of someone rescuing me.

My boyfriend had enough foresight to lend me some money so i can get back home safely. i wasn’t even thinking about it. he mentioned how calm i seemed over losing my wallet, how no one could be blamed for going completely insane over it. but im used to it. how much worse does that sound?

Losing your wallet is losing your identity. your name. your address that isnt the one you reside at anymore but the one that felt closer to home in a long LONG time. your totem, the one your mother printed for you to assure that "abundance is always there for you". ha. my two debit cards.. probably my insurance card ive never used. a membership card for go karts in the bay area.. and 23 dollars.

what a loss. and at the same time.. i dont feel it as badly as i should.

like im lost. truly. like why dont i follow my inner instincts ushering me to just shut up and pay attention to it for once? i walked around, paid for things the entire day and everytime my wallet was in my hands, i had a sinking feeling of dread. that i need to keep it safe. and i felt stupid for feeling that way. so conflicted. money never meant so much to me. why was i worried.. was i overspending? was i depending on it too much? 

but now i just feel stupid i hadnt listened.. i do that all the damn time. i get a sense of something before it happens and i ignore it. im.. worst at listening to myself than my actual financial responsibilities.

i felt that stupidity every time i stopped at a gas station on the way back to my apartment from LA. The act of taking out cash and walking away from the pump inside to let the guy behind the counter authorize the transaction for me.. I only stopped twice.. the second place i stopped at, i convinced myself to stop simply cos i knew the place well and it would be the quickest stop id make on my trip. i kept second guessing my route back home solely as to whether id be making the right choice to go there.

it was at this gas station that a kid came up to me, mask no where on his face, but swearing he wasnt homeless.. just a lil scared. he needed gas to get home but his card was declined. asked me if i had any cash or if i could cash app him some money, just enough to get home.

I hesitated, thinking in the back of my mind if i was going to be alright to give him anything. i had no cards, no more cash than what i had to get home, and i still needed a covid test to get to, where i was unsure if id had to pay for it out of pocket. told him “Sorry, i dont have an iphone” and hes like “shit.. can i please ask you to pay for at least five dollars, you can stand by the pump-!”

“sorry, i lost my debit cards.. haha”

“oh shiiit.. hahaha..”

“yeah.. but i do have a bit of cash my dude. let me get it for you”

“Oh shit, really?? thank you so much!”

This kid, obviously young, a teenager, looked so relieved. cos the more i said something unhelpful, the more panicked he started to look. and i was gut punched by it. i was this kid, worried about his next paycheck, wondering why i was so bad at money, why i couldnt be responsible.

and im not trying to say that was his deal today, his card could have declined for any real reason. but i was that panicked once. its stupid to feel that way over something so.. fucking stupid. something that rules over everyone a little too much.. when we should really not be worried about our next meal, or when our next job will come. i handed him the cash, booked my covid test and booked it out of there. all so “i could eat tomorrow”

i use money to make things just a lil easier. i dont try too hard to be irresponsible. but definetly dont make myself too responsible either. its just habit otherwise, which could be the only thing keeping me afloat. but there is another lesson im missing too.. maybe still not money related. or if it is.. i clearly dont have the answer for it yet.

still learning that one