#(and if you see me posting bw 6 - 10 am PST everything is queued bc i'm definitely asleep still)

[causticsunshine]

sorry yet again i haven’t been here much lately, besides the focus issues limiting my actual productivity and trying to avoid being online all the time although animal crossing isn’t helping my productivity either lmao i’ve been trying to limit my time in spaces that overwhelm me really easily, distract me a lot, and/or don’t always make me feel great? 

a good amount of the bad feelings i get about myself are unintentional, like it’s really difficult for me to process things in a way i think a lot people do so instead of just moving on from something or reading/viewing it how it is, my brain endlessly fixates on the thing - whether it’s notes on a post/reactions on something, or a ‘fave fics/art pieces’ rec list, or even people talking back and forth on a text post or in a server channel, really nothing in particular that should affect me directly at all - and suddenly it morphs into something negative in my head w/o me even intending to process it that way.

and yeah, i do 100% still think sometimes we all have the tendency to be tone deaf to a point - ie by way of the ‘we’re all friends here :)))’ mindset which is... definitely not a good sign from my past experiences (and the more i see it pushed in a group setting the more unsettled i feel and i think we need to stop it and if you wanna know why then DM me and i’ll send you a Dissertation on why), as well as (accidental) exclusivity under the intention of being more inclusive to others (like i very much appreciate being tagged in those ‘tag all your favorite fandom people here to show them they’ve loved!’ posts i know so many people don’t get on them and i don’t want to worsen the issue of feeling excluded just bc i have been mentioned in something for once, esp because i feel out of bounds in this space 90% of the time), and popularity contests under the guise of showing support for creators that feel very pinpointed and clique-y etc. - whether we mean it or not, but i know rn that whether something is accidentally tone deaf, purposely so, or it’s all just me not being able to process things correctly or healthily, i shouldn’t be spending continual time in spaces that perpetuate these things.

i feel like a broken record about a lot of the things that bother me about fandom in general that i feel are ignored overall or that we just kinda go ‘well that’s just how it is’ at, instead of trying to proactively fix the persisting issues, so i’m not talking about those things directly here rn (although on discord or even twitter i just kinda go Off The Rails now because either i get ignored like i do here or people actually want to discuss things in a proactive way, and my reasoning is that i don’t want to feed into any of the compliancy i’ve been involved in anymore over numerous things i take issue with that make fandom feel clique-y and Not Fun and demoralizing) -- here specifically i just mean in regards to how i personally take small mundane things that should have no tie to or bearing on me and somehow always end up twisting them into something negative about myself.

like i don’t want to come online and immediately feel like right shit because of xyz over my art, my writing, etc., because i know we all have our own pace and processes and whatever else bc it’s all valid and creativity is personal and there’s no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed or as negative as i do (or anyone for that matter) about things that no one will give me flack on but me, but for some reason rn that’s all i’m doing and i can’t stop? so i’m just gonna keep giving myself space for my own sanity.

if you got this far though and anyone else is in the same boat or wants to discuss any of this in a larger capacity though pls feel free to DM me or send me an ask? when it’s about more personal stuff like this i’m pretty unabashed to a point but toeing into discourse territory i’m more tired with shit than anything else anymore and i’m feeling a lot less compelled to stay silent about things that actually bother me + others when it comes to something that should be fun and a form of escapism.