#(and honestly to all the corries. let's be honest they all love her)

[margindoodles2407]

riyo and thorn's friendship is something that can be so personal to me

@whyoneartheven @seeking-elsewhither @jessicalled @griseldafury21 @cheerfullycatholic

@kommandantpinks @turdofanerd @seaotter-17 @majorproblems77

[meetmymouth]

the one where harry pays his ex’s rent (harry styles imagine)

READ PART 1 HERE Word count: 2,6k Disclaimer: not proofread.

She looks at the phone on the passenger seat. No one called her. Though, there was only one person who would’ve called her that night. She wanted him to call. It wasn’t because she left the house for attention but she at least waited for his text to either ask where she was going or if she was okay.

But it never came.

Once she parks the car in front of the too familiar white building, she grabs her phone and locks the car before going up the couple of stairs that led to Nick Grimshaw’s flat. They weren’t best friends but one: Y/N liked him and two: he lived close.

After a few minutes of greetings and hugs and sad smiles, Y/N finds herself in Nick and now his boyfriend Mesh’s spacious kitchen with a cup of tea in her hands. Nick’s dog Pig sits near Y/N’s legs in hopes of some cuddles and treats.

Mesh was the first to break the silence.

“Going to the shops for some fags, I’ll take Pig too, you two need anything?” bless him, he asks quietly as if he was speaking to a baby.

Nick shakes his head while Y/N could only muster a tiny smile.

And then there were two.

“Let’s sit,” Nick speaks softly and guides Y/N towards his spacious sofa.

She takes notice of the paused rom-com on the TV and she feels kind of embarrassed to have been interrupted the couple’s night.

After a minute of sitting down and looking at each other, she begins talking as if someone had just pressed her ‘on’ button. In between sentences, she starts shedding tears in frustration while at the same time trying not to think about how weird she might’ve looked whilst doing so. She needed a good cry and she was lucky for Nick’s presence.

She tells him everything after Nick gives his word that he didn’t know about what Harry did and that they hadn’t even had a proper chat in weeks.

“So you just left?” he asks later when she stops crying.

He takes the now long forgotten red mug from Y/N’s hands and places it on one of the books that was on the coffee table.

At the sight of her now cold tea, Y/N wants to start crying again as she remembers how Harry also makes a habit of leaving his tea go cold after a few sips. Just the thought of Harry in bed, the reading glasses sliding down his nose slowly and his soft, bare hands holding the mug makes her heart heavy.

“He spent thousands on her. It’s not even the fact that he spent his money on her it’s just-“ she sniffs once more.

She continues:

“Why? Why is he this daft? He always does questionable things out of kindness but this just- it ruined me. How could he not share something like that with me”

“Y/N I don’t even know what to say,” Nick too looks frustrated as he slides his long fingers through his equally long quiff.

She sighs and ignores the urge to throw up the mini tacos she had for lunch that day.

“Look. I don’t really know Camille, only met the girl once,” he admits hesitantly. “I don’t want to point fingers but you know H. What if she manipulated him?“

Y/N didn’t want to put the blame on her because first of all, she didn’t know her and didn’t know her side of the story and second, she wasn’t going to try and shift the blame since it was Harry who accepted to go through such thing. “I feel like shit.”

Nick gives her a broken smile and strokes her arm at the confession.

“Well... understandable.”

She honestly takes no offence at his bluntness; she knew Nick by now and knew him well enough to know that he was very straight forward and never spoke to offend his friends. In most cases.

When she opens her mouth, her phone lights up on her lap. At the cheesy smile of Harry that shows up on her screen, she takes a deep breath.

They both stare at each other until Nick grabs the phone between her thighs and places it face down next to Y/N’s tea. She feels instant relief as he doesn’t pester her about answering it.

“You can stay here tonight if you like, although I know it would make him feel like shit and I would really want you guys to talk this through. Have you at least texted him where you are?” he asks, watching her closely.

“I don’t care about how he feels. He deserves to feel like shit,” she basically scoffs.

“Just send him a text love, let him know you’re safe. I know him, he’s probably pulling his hair strand by strand right now” he tries again which makes her sigh and lean back.

Nick was such a weird person, she thought. In a good way. She met him through Harry but they hit it off as soon as Y/N gave him hell for his questionable fashion choices and his haircut. Since then, they kept in touch and at times, they invited each other over for drinks or dinner since they lived really close.

She felt grateful and loved and it made her even more angry at Harry.

Trying to be more sensible, Y/N reaches for her phone and texts him, ignoring the five missed calls.

At a friend’s. Don’t want to talk rn.

She never doubted his love and loyalty. Even in a situation like this, she knew he loved her. She wasn’t the type to go on and on about the possibility of her partner still being hung up on their ex.

She knew he wrote songs about his ex. A lot of them.

OK, when she first heard Cherry she felt like crying at first but then came to love the song so much so that she never once skipped the song when it came up on her driving playlist and even sang along.

She knew they both didn’t have time for what ifs and immature games like starting arguments about the ex. They were honest with each other and that was enough for them.

Well. They were.

She took pride in always being honest with him- maybe except the time when spent two days morosely contemplating how to tell him how she crashed her car into his motorcycle that left a tiny dent on the vehicle.

Call her selfish but she wouldn’t compare the two together.

“I think I’ll go,” she stands up, giving one last pet to the black pug who was yawning under the coffee table. This made Nick stand up as well.

He looked like he wanted to argue but he wasn’t the type to do so.

“The offer still stands. Just... just try to be open minded about this, yeah? I know what he did is wrong but still.”

“Thanks for the tea and sorry for throwing a pity party at your house,” she tries laughing but only a pathetic chuckle leaves her chapped lips which earns a slap from Nick.

“Come here you,”

They hug until Y/N sniffs again and Nick gives her a one last look.

“You alright to drive?” he asks once they’re standing outside, Nick’s foot squished between the door to keep it from closing.

Despite it being May, evenings were still chilly so she cuddles Harry’s jacket even more, as the faint smell of his cologne remained present.

She smiles- genuinely smiles at his thoughtfulness. “Yeah, it’s like a five minute drive. Thanks again. Mesh seems great, I’m really happy for you.”

He gives her a smile of his own and a side hug before she goes down the stairs, into the car. As she checks the left wing mirror and drives away, she smiles at Nick’s loud ‘love ya’ coming from behind.

When she arrives at the flat, she sees that the light outside was on which makes her feel woozy.

When Harry stays in London, at hers during the winter, he always tells her he would leave the light on since it would get really dark by the time she got home from work. It always made her smile and now it teared her insides apart because how could he be this stupid?

Part of her wanted to go inside, hug him real tight and say, ‘it’s okay, you’re just an idiot but I love you I love you I love you, let’s make a cuppa and watch stupid reruns of Corrie’ but she knew that wasn’t realistic. She knew that wasn’t fair on her, on both of them really.

She knew he knew that she was home because the Mercedes made a lot of noise and they both knew the sound by heart. She also knew that he changed his position on the couch numerous times because he was nervous and didn’t want to seem too comfortable when she came in.

After grabbing her things and locking the car, she walks to the door and then, she was inside the cosy flat.

Harry’s green Nikes were still where she saw them last when she first got back from work. The house still smelled like vanilla. She could still see the dust build-up on the small table that held their keys and other knick-knacks. It was as if nothing had changed and it made her want to break down and cry right next to Harry’s trainers because she was that pathetic.

She takes her shoes off, throws everything near them and goes inside where he could see Harry sitting on their well-loved pink sofa.

If she weren’t this angry and hurt, she would make fun of his greasy curls and pout.

When she was fully inside the living room, he slowly lifts up his head and looks at her. When their eyes met, she hears him sniff.

“You’re back,” he speaks quietly as if there was a baby sleeping in the other room.

She doesn’t reply. In fact, his question makes her angry. Didn’t he see she was back? Why was he breathing so hard? Why was that strand of hair in his eyes? Was she wearing a bra?

As soon as her minds drifts off to a weird place, she manages to turn it all off and concentrate on Harry.

She walks further into the living room and sits down on the armchair, wanting to keep her distance. Her hands immediately find their place between her thighs.

Minutes pass and she finally begins talking.

“I’m not even going to ask why you  didn’t tell me. I just want to know why you did it in the first place because I’m really curious.”

He sniffs again but she knows it’s mostly because of hay fever acting up.

“She called me two months ago. She said she was in a lot of debt. She said she started renting this place downtown LA and that her and-”

“Bloody hell, where was I when you had a heart to heart?” She cuts him off, growing angrier by the second.

“The friend also left her alone at the house so she couldn't to pay the rent herself-” he explains but Y/N’s scoff shuts him up.

“And since you’re like, shitting money, you jumped at the opportunity?” she can’t help but mock him out of frustration.

Harry looks distraught as he slides his hands through his curls. The movement catches Y/N’s attention but she lowers her gaze so that she wouldn’t think about how soft his curls looked despite the grease.

He opens his mouth again, probably to tell her off for cutting him off for the second time but he knew better than that.

She then blinks twice when their eyes meet again, to tell him to go on.

“It was a mistake,” Harry starts, “I know and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. You and mum always tell me off for being too nice and well, you’re right. Of course you are.”

When she doesn’t speak, he continues:

“I paid two instalments of her rent. I felt bad for her but I knew- I know that it was stupid of me. I know and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you or- or talk to you before,” he gulped and slid his fingers through his hair. “I knew I fucked up after the money went through. I now have nothing to do with her, I promise you. I know you’re angry with me. Rightly so. But please know that I’m sorry. I really am,”

He looks close to tears and Y/N sighs, going to sit down next to him on the sofa. This surprises Harry and he looks down.

“You’re just- you’re so nice, Harry. And I don’t mean it in a positive way. Sometimes your kindness backfires. And this is huge. You went behind my back.”

“Are you done with me? With us?” He practically whispers and it breaks Y/N. It tears her apart and she feels like her heart is in her mouth, wanting to escape and fall in their feet.

Stupid Harry, she thinks. Stupid, stupid.

“I’m serious about this, about us. That’s why I’m this angry and hurt, Harry. I’m so hurt. Do you understand that?” she says, earning a nod from Harry.

“I do. Baby, I do. I promise. I do.”

She doesn’t reply. Instead, another sigh leaves her mouth as their eyes finally found each other.

He looks like he’s contemplating something.

“I can go, give you some space or- or I, I’ll sleep on the-” Y/N cuts him off immediately, understanding where he was going.

“Don’t be silly. No one’s leaving this house anymore tonight. I just- I just want to sleep.” she admits quietly and looks down at her hands.

She felt drained. She felt like her body was too heavy for her to handle right now. She felt hungry and hurt and hungry and hurt, hurt, hurt.

When she next looks at him, her stare is hesitant; shy, almost. She knows it’s not practical. But she says it anyway.

“Will you- I mean, can we- can we lay down for a bit? I feel like someone’s suffocating me and I... can we just lay down?” she asks quietly, almost embarrassed. She knows it’s stupid of her. It’s pathetic.

She feels like a child, running away from her problems. But she knows they’re not going anywhere.

She wants to be selfish, unreasonable right now.

When she next looks at Harry, his eyes look almost glassy. He gulps as he slowly reaches to her, wanting to test the waters.

She doesn’t let him touch her but she stands up and stands in front of the stairs. She can see Harry’s socks at the top of the stairs and it makes everything hurt even more.

She turns back to Harry who was watching her from where he stood by the sofa. After a minute of silent conversation, he makes his way towards her and they slowly go up the stairs.

When they stand in front of their bedroom, she looks at him again.

She sighs as they go insides.

Later, she thinks to herself as she climbs onto their bed, clean sheets making her sigh in satisfaction.

“Come on then,” she whispers as Harry takes off his shirt but leaves his joggers on.

As he lays under the covers, he knows they’re far from okay. He knows it’ll be a while until they’re okay. But he lays there like a statue, not wanting to do anything to make Y/N uncomfortable.

She turns her back to him and hugs the covers.

When she doesn’t make any noise, Harry sighs and turns his head towards her, watching the back of hers. He doesn’t know how long he watches the back of Y/N’s head until a pain shots through his neck.

Later, Harry thinks. They’ll do it later.

[cynicalclassicist]

TURN BACK

Written by Chris Newton

This isn’t mine but was done by another of the Lockdown writers who very kindly sent it to me.

There it was again: that fluttering, rattling, scuttling noise. It sounded like grasping pincers, snapping mandibles and probing antennae. It felt like something was on her back. For some reason, it was an oddly familiar sensation. 

Donna Temple-Noble knew that things had not been right for a while. 

Things were fine in her life. After a decade of marriage, both she and Shaun were still very happy and very much in love. They had been determined that their big lottery win wouldn’t change them and, for the most part, it hadn’t. They lived in a ten bedroom mansion Highgate with two acres of land, owned a holiday villa in Spain, and had been able to afford to send Joshua and Ella to an incredibly expensive private school – but otherwise, they still went to watch West Ham every Saturday (albeit in their own executive box), still kept in touch with all their old friends (even Nerys), and eschewed fancy restaurants and glitzy parties in favour of Friday nights in on the sofa watching Love Island and eating Pringles. 

But something was wrong with the world. Her high school boyfriend, Mathew Richards, had always been going on about global warming back in the 90s, but as far as Donna had been concerned somebody was always banging on about the end of the world, whether it was the Millennium Bug, or Mayan calendars or Hadron Colliders… But what did that have to do with her life? She could hardly see which type of milk she put in her tea affected the wider world. 

But things began to get so bad that even Donna noticed. On her eighty-inch TV, she saw bush fires in Australia, David Attenborough showing the ice caps melting and an ocean filled with plastic. And then the Sontaran virus came – the lockdowns, the curfews, and the restrictions. But not even a global pandemic could prevent the USA from imploding in a civil war. The Zygon president had attempted to form a dictatorship when he lost the election and all hell had broken loose. 

Donna knew they were lucky, they were far away from the fighting and they could afford regular deliveries of fresh food, and had a huge garden with their own private swimming pool to occupy them in quarantine. The first lockdown had almost been like a holiday for the Temple-Nobles; the kids cannon balling into the water, Donna and Shaun sunning themselves on loungers, barbeques, cocktails. Their autumn lockdown consisted of bonfires and marshmallows, thick jumpers and flasks of hot chocolate as they told ghost stories on Halloween and twirled sparklers on Bonfire Night. It was almost perfect.

Almost… But not. Because for all the comfort their money could buy them, there was one problem wealth could not solve. 

Donna’s Grandfather, Wilf, was now ninety-one. A few years ago, after a fall, had moved into a care home. Donna made sure he received the best care possible, and paid for him to go to a lovely facility just near Hampstead Heath, that way they were practically neighbours. Before the virus, she had visited him every day without fail. His memory had been growing steadily worse; sometimes he called her Sylvia, and occasionally Louise, for some reason, but he never forgot that she was his granddaughter, and more than not greeted her by saying ‘Wahey, here she is! The Little General!’ which had been his nickname for her when she was little. 

But since lockdown, she had been unable to visit him. She knew it was for the best, for the safety of her grandfather and for the other residents in the home, but it didn’t change the fact that it felt as though a huge part of her had been ripped away. His dementia had worsened, the staff had told her over the phone, and he had been repeatedly talking about a spaceman in a flying blue box. 

She had managed to arrange a videocall with her grandfather, a favour from one of the nurses at the home. She sat waiting for him to answer, full of fear and trepidation. Always wondering which visit would be the one where he failed to recognise her entirely. 

“Wahey, here she is! The Little General!” Wilf’s face filled the screen of her phone. 

“Hiya Gramps!” Donna’s eyes welled with tears of joy at the sight of her grandfather. 

“Blimey, how’d you get inside this little tablet thingy?” he chuckled.  “Must be bigger on the inside,” he muttered with a strange, faraway look in his rheumy eyes, as though he were trying to remember something. 

“You don’t half come out with some rubbish!” she laughed. “We had a bonfire in the garden on the 5th. You know, jacket potatoes in tin foil, passing round a thermos of tea. Reminded me of the old days, up the hill at your allotment, remember?”

“Mmmm,” he smiled distantly, before his face crumpled in confusion. “’Ere, where’s the Doctor?”

“You’ve already seen the doctor, Gramps. Remember? He put you on those new pills.”

“No, not him. The skinny one. Isn’t he with you? He usually is.”

“Why would he be with me you daft old thing? I’m fit and healthy, thank you very much. Touch wood,” she tapped her head. “Don’t need a doctor.”

“I think you do,” Wilf mumbled. “I think we all do. He’d sort out this bleedin’ virus.”

“They’ll have a vaccine before you know it, Gramps. You’ll be round ours for Christmas dinner, just you wait and see.”

“That’ll be nice,” he grinned. “How’s Lance, then? He alright?”

“Shaun, granddad, I’m married to Shaun. Lance… had to go away.”

“Oh. Well, it’s probably for the best. I never did like him much.” 

Donna couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“The kids want these flippin’ animatronic Baby Yoda dolls for Christmas,” she changed the subject. “Honestly, it’s Star Wars this, Star Trek that… and that other one. You know, the time travel one? No idea where they get it from, I was never into any of that sci-fi rubbish.” 

“Donna…” Wilf cried, a sudden urgency in his voice.

“Yes, Gramps?” she swallowed nervously, it had been a long time since he had called her by her name. “What is it?”

“There’s something on your back.”

The words chilled her, although she had no idea what they meant. She felt her right hand darting involuntarily over her shoulder expecting to feel… what, exactly? Something creeping, crawling, insectoid… she shivered. 

“There’s nothing there. Honestly, what are you on about?”

“He was only trying to help, but it’s gone wrong again. It wasn’t a fixed point, you see? It was one of those… Temporal wotsits.”

Donna took a deep breath.

“I think you’re getting mixed up again, Gramps.”

“Hmm?” he looked at her, his eyes full of warmth, kindness and confusion. “So how’s Lance, then? He alright?”

“Yes, Gramps. Lance is fine.”

“Oh, that’s good. I always liked him. Oh, I’ve got to go. The nurse wants her tablet back. When are you coming to see me?”

“As soon as I can, Gramps. I promise. As soon as I can.”

“Well, I’ll look forward to it. Ta-da sweetheart.”

“Bye,” she stifled a tear as the screen became blurry, before Wilf’s face was replaced by a blonde-haired woman.

“Donna Noble!” the stranger grinned irrepressibly 

“Oh, hi,” Donna swiftly composed herself. “Are you the nurse? Thanks so much for letting me speak to him…”

“Yeah. Well, I’m a Doctor, actually. Although a lot of people assume I’m a nurse these days. Bit annoying, really. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a nurse, mind! If it’s good enough for Rory Pond, it’s good enough for me.”

The blonde woman was still grinning.

“Oh my god,” Donna’s mouth fell open. “I know you!”

“No! No – that’s not possible!” The Doctor’s face paled.

“I knew I recognised you.”

“Listen to me – you cannot know who I am…”

“You’re Leanne Battersby. From Corrie!”

“What?”

“Ha! Just wait ’til I tell Nerys, she’ll be well jealous.” Donna snorted.

The Doctor harrumphed. 

“Leane Batt… Actually, you know what? If it stops your neural receptors from combusting then fine. Fine! Yeah. Leanne Battersby at your service. If you think I’m just an actress from Coronation Street then it’s safe for us to talk. Well, I say safe… safe-ish. By which I mean not very dangerous. Okay, maybe it’s a little bit dangerous. Put it this way: your mind won’t burn, but you might end up forgetting your old mate Susie Mair.”

“Susie Who?”

“Exactly. Anyway, we don’t have long… I need to get back in Wilf’s wardrobe before the Sontarans triangulate my signal. I’m telling you, this has been a long eight months. But your grandfather’s right: there is something on your back. Again. Or maybe for the first time – it all gets a bit wibbley with alternate dimensions. But there’s something on your back, and I’m really sorry, but it hitched a ride on a lottery ticket.”

“What on Earth are you on about?”

“Not on Earth, actually, Shan Shen,” the Doctor said, and then winced. “Oops! Shouldn’t have said that. Might have deleted another scene. Remember that time you were one the phone to Veena in the kitchen and you heard that strange wheezing, groaning sound coming from outside?”

“No?”

“Probably for the best.”

“What’s going on? And why are you in my Granddad’s wardrobe? Do I need to call social services, ’cause don’t think I won’t, blondie!”

“I need you to trust me. What was the name of that TV show where the kid in the blindfold had to be guided through the dungeon by their mates?”

“Knightmare?” 

“Yes! That’s the one. I need you to be my Dungoneer. I don’t have a Helmet of Justice so you’ll just have to close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes??” 

“I know I’m asking a lot, Donna, but Wilf trusts me, and that’s all I can tell you. But be honest – you know something’s wrong, don’t you? You can feel something digging into your shoulders, can’t you?”

Donna nodded. There was no denying it, and for some inexplicable reason, she felt she could trust this woman, even though the reason seemed distant and out of reach. Donna closed her eyes. 

The strange woman on the phone guided her out of the house, past a row of trees and to the telephone box at the end of the road. Funny, Donna thought, she didn’t remember there being a telephone box there. She hadn’t seen a proper one for years. 

Following the Doctor’s instructions, Donna pulled the handle and the door creaked open as she stepped inside. Instinctively, she reached out for the mounted payphone, but her fingers met only empty air. Perhaps it wasn’t an operating phone box anymore? It probably housed a defibrillator instead. She was tempted to have a peek and find out.

“Don’t even think about opening your eyes,” the Doctor snapped, somehow reading her thoughts, “if you open your eyes, your brain will hyperpodulate.”

“Hyer-what-you-what? I want you to know I’m taking a lot on faith here, Battersby! And if this is a wind-up, then so help me god...” 

Donna’s threat was drowned out the VROOP-VROOPING of ancient engines that at once sounded utterly alien and distantly familiar to her, like hearing a half-remembered nursery rhyme from childhood. 

She heard the telephone box door creak open again, and a rush of cold air from outside. Strange, it didn��t feel like the smoky air of the November street she had come from. It felt crisper, fresher. She could hear the merry peal of church bells. There isn’t a church that close to my house, she thought, puzzled.

“You can come out now. Walk forwards but keep your eyes closed for a moment.”

Donna did as she was told. She felt grass beneath her feet as the VROOP-VROOPING resumed and then faded, drowned out by the sound of the bells. 

“You can open you eyes now,” the woman on the phone was now stood in front of her, but that was the least surprising thing to Donna. 

“But, how…” Donna looked down at herself. “I’m in my wedding dress. I don’t understand?” The two of them were stood by an old lychgate. Donna looked ahead – there was the church where she had married Shaun. Discarded confetti swirled about her ankles. There were guests milling about ahead – there was her grandfather’s friend Minnie Hooper. Minnie the Menace he used to call her! Although Donna was sure she’d heard that Minnie had died recently. Nevertheless, there she was, full of joy and life. And there was Nerys in her hideous peach dress! 

“What year is this?” asked Donna.

“2010,” said the Doctor.

“This is my wedding day. How is this even possible?”

“The time differential’s trying to reconcile there being two of you here at the same time. Hence the dress. It’s tricky with parallel universes. Anyway, ‘how’ isn’t important right now. What’s important is that somebody just gave you a lottery ticket as a wedding present.”

“I know, cheapskate.” 

“You’re about to win a triple rollover.” 

“Yeah, well…” 

“The thing is, Donna – the man gave you that ticket – he meant well, but he was meddling with things that shouldn’t have been meddled with. He was young – still in his Time Lord Victorious phase.”

“I don’t understand a single word you’re saying.”

“You know that theory that a butterfly fluttering its wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world? Well, time’s like that. Small, trivial things can cause ripples which alter the course of history. The truth is: you didn’t win that money. At least, not originally. You took one look at that ticket and ripped it up. Remember? The first dance at your wedding reception was Can’t Buy Me Love.”

“No… that’s not right,” said Donna. It couldn’t be. She knew that hadn’t happened. Their first dance had been 2 Become 1 by Spice Girls. So why could she remember dancing to The Beatles with Shaun?

“Nobody won the lottery that week – and the next week it was a quadruple rollover! A boy called Michael Finch won it. He was only sixteen. Imagine that! First time he’d ever played. Great kid. A friend of mine met his dad once. Long story. Anyway, I’m sorry Donna, but Michael didn’t spend it on cars and holiday homes and private pools. He invested in the future: green initiatives, healthcare, education… When the Sontarans released their virus, Earth was ready for it. Plus, the United States didn’t have a Zygon for a president. Well, they did actually, but she’s one of the nice ones. But shh, don’t tell anyone.”

“You know what,” said Donna. “I don’t think you really are Leanne Battersby, are you?”

“No.”

“But I do know you, don’t I?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s… bad? My head hurts…” Donna cupped her forehead in her palm.

“Yes. It’s very bad,” said the Doctor. “But it’s okay. Because if you tear up that lottery ticket and let Michael Finch win it instead, then you’ll change the future and we’ll never have met. Well, not like this anyway.” 

“This is crazy. How is any of this possible?”

“My fault, I’m afraid. A long time ago, you had an encounter with a Time Beetle – and this is the gross part, sorry – Time Beetles can lay eggs beneath the hosts’ skin. They lie dormant, sometimes indefinitely, until the host encounters a significant temporal junction – in your case a lottery win that could change the course of human history. You were never supposed to have this life, Donna. You were supposed to tear up the ticket.”

More non-memories were flooding Donna’s mind – the years of living on the breadline in Chiswick, living with the regret of their lost fortune. A bank holiday weekend in Blackpool with the kids, having her fortune told by the strange little woman in the kiosk on the pier… Voicing her regret aloud and wishing she could go back to the day of her wedding and keep that winning ticket. 

That couldn’t be right… They never took the kids to Blackpool. Their holidays had been in Cyprus and Malaga, they’d splashed out on luxury round-the-world cruises. But she remembered it so vividly: the rattle of the trams, the glare of the illuminations, the taste of the chips, the seagulls crying overhead. 

“But we’ll have nothing. I can’t go back to the way we used to live: hand to mouth, never knowing where next month’s rent is coming from. What about Ella and Josh? They’ll be born with nothing.”

“Donna Temple-Noble, listen to me,” the Doctor gazed at her sternly. “You’ll have everything. You’ll have each other.” 

Donna looked back over to the church – there was Wilf! – still spry at eighty and fighting off Minnie’s advances as ever. And there was Shaun – so handsome in his wedding suit! She couldn’t believe how young he looked. 

The Doctor was right. Donna thought of how happy they had been during lockdown, not because they were comfortable, but because they had each other. The tweet-a-longs, the virtual gigs, the walks in the woods, the disastrous attempts at baking, standing on their doorstep and clapping for U.N.I.T…. She hadn’t put two and two together until she’d been speaking to her grandfather: but it had been the first time in her married life – the first time as a mother – that she had somehow recaptured that magic of sitting in her grandfather’s allotment with a flask of tea and gazing at the stars. 

At the time Donna had felt as though she were longing for adventure, as though the stars held some inexplicable magic, but now she knew that the magic had been right there in the allotment all along. She no longer yearned for adventure, but longed instead to return to those simple days. She never could, of course. Wilf’s star was fading, but her own was rising. She thought back to the old world of financial hardship: rented flats, being plunged into darkness when the electricity meter ran out, payday loans and minimum wage temp jobs. There would be struggles but there would also be magic. There would be stories by candlelight, cartoons and warm milk before bed in the precious few years before Joshua and Ella became moody teenagers. There would be games in the park. There would be home cooked meals, and there would be telly and Pringles on the sofa on Friday nights. 

There would be family. 

Donna turned to speak to the blonde woman, but the stranger was gone, so she hitched up her wedding dress and hurried over to her husband. 

“Who were you talking to?” he asked.

“A friend,” Donna smiled.

“What’s her name?”

“I can’t remember,” she said. It was strange, the name was on the tip of her tongue, but it had gone. She decided it didn’t matter.

“Give us that lottery ticket, will you?” Donna asked. (She had entrusted it into Shaun’s safe keeping. There were still no pockets in wedding dresses.)

“Why, you got a good feeling about it?” he asked, taking it from his pocket and handing it to his bride.

“Yeah. As a matter of fact, I have,” said Donna Temple-Noble as she tore up the ticket, and a great weight lifted from her shoulders.

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Kids, Monsters, D&D, and Adults (Sriracha, Part. 18)

Description: A problematic college student gets the worst summer job of the ‘83 - Jim Hopper, the Chief of police in your hometown will have you as his secretary since his old lady Flo has two months lasting holiday. It was agreed so Hopper could let you far away from all the trouble.

Part Summary: You decided to give Hopper a short break from seeing you every day... But you didn't know how much can happen in your hometown in a week and a half you're gone.

A/N: And... Welcome Mr. Demogorgon disrupting everyone’s life on the stage, please, give it up for him! (Reader is on holiday in North Dakota during the events of the first season.)

A/N 2: I went a bit off the OG events, but here, I have drunk Hopper on the phone mumbling about being cursed for you, enjoy, please. Actually inspired by Heroes (Peter Gabriel's cover) - the song playing when they found Will's body.

Word count: 4.1 K

Tagging: @nemodoren​, @creedslove​

Master list: H E R E

Just as your mom asked you to, two days after the dinner at your parents’, Jim dropped you off at your house in the early morning. It was more or less safe since it was only five in the morning and Hawkins was dead asleep at the moment. You didn't want him to be alone, but he brushed you off with ’it's only twelve days, what can happen during that?’ and you reminded him of what you had done in twelve days, leaving him with a nasty grin. 

You both almost fainted, because just in the middle of your heated making-out session, just as his hand palmed your thigh as you basically climbed onto his seat, your brother came out of the house along with Steve, grinning. Steve looked at both of you with confusion before turning around and disappearing.

Steve Harrington had a girlfriend now, or so you heard. Nancy Wheeler became to lucky one, at least that was what the rumors were saying. He couldn't forgive about the endless crush on you, though.¨

You told Hopper to leave for work before your mom sees him there, laughing as Aiden helped you with your stuff, greeting Hopper. He really did drive, honking at your parents, waving at them as he left for the station. 

It was the third of November - you were supposed to see Hopper again on the sixteenth day of that month. And you were honestly ready to take a short break from the everlasting dishes and laundry at your house and just relax before coming back to the arms of the man you grew to adore. 

To be honest, you loved your father’s parents’ house in North Dakota - it was a big house in the middle of nothing, ten minutes away from the nearest signs civilization. The sixteen-hours lasting road trip in your/Aiden's car was almost endless and it was hot like hell at whiles, but in the end, you loved the view more than anything.

You had also a lot of family members, like aunties and cousins your age there and you were excited to meet all of them after such a long time. You promised a call to Hopper as soon as you reach their house - and so you did, giving him the number as well. It was midnight, but you knew that he’s waiting for it. And of course, he picked up as soon as you started ringing, laughing like a small kid when you told him that he rather should go to sleep.

It was a quick call just to reassure you that he's fine - you asked him about food and laundry and he told you, with a chuckle, that you're worried too much and that he managed to survive forty years without you - that thirteen days is basically nothing.

Most of the days, you spent walking around in the wilderness. Your cousin Corrie showed you a pack of wild bison living near your grandparent’s house and a great overlook. Other days, you and your other cousin Jane helped your granny with baking and cooking or tiding up. Everyone was thrilled to have you there because they saw both you and Aiden once a year. They took you to the local cinema, for some shopping and even for a time at the local pool and local dance. You were enjoying yourself the most you could. 

Everyone was surprised when someone asked you the typical question - ’And do you have a boyfriend already?’ - and your mom answered ’She, in fact, has. And it's a lovely lad.’, winking at you. She still wasn't okay with Hopper, it was only four days since the dinner, but she was slowly adjusting to the situation. They asked you a lot about that mysterious ’Jim’, but you never told them much about your man. 

It came on the third day you were in Dakota - the sixth of November. You were just playing with your four-year-old cousin Marty, building Lego spaceships, when your grandma came into the room, holding a phone in her hand, handing you the handset. 

“It’s some Mr. Hopper. He told me that he has to speak to you immediately. He told me that he knows you.” - She whispered while you put Jim on your ear, nodding. You let Marty play with the Lego and left to an empty room. 

“Do you miss me that much, Mr. Hopper?” - You joked, but at the moment you heard Jim sighing, you knew that somethings extremely wrong in Hawkins. First, you thought that maybe he wants to break up with you - but then you remembered him asking about your panties yesterday when you called him around two a.m. and shook the thought off. - “What's going on, Jim? I'm here. Is it Vietnam? New York? Sara?”

“No, it's not that... I just... Jesus, I feel like I need to talk to someone and you're the only one who is goin’ to listen to me and actually understands.” - Okay, so Mr. Hopper was clearly drunk and smoking on the other end of the line, so you sat down on a sofa, exhaling slowly. - “Sometimes... I feel like shit, but you know that. But now, I feel fuckin' cursed, Y/N. And you're not here to stop me from doin’ shit.” - He giggled drunkenly and you stiffened. What was his fucking deal? Had something happened after you left Hawkins? Had Diane called? Did something happen at the station? Did Steve fucking Harrington tell someone what he saw? You swore to God...

“Jim, what you're after? I don't understand, baby, you need to tell me what's wrong.” - You mumbled back and looked at Aiden, who was just checking in on you. You mouthed ’Hopper’ and he nodded before closing up the door after him, telling everyone to keep off the line and out of the room.

“I'm a fuckin’ black hole, y’ know? All the fuckin’ shit that ever happened in Hawkins... It follows me. The last case of person goin’ missin’ happened in the summer of ’23 and the last suicide here was on the fall of ’61, y’ know?” - He asked you rhetorically and you just kept on being silent, trying to decipher the meaning of his entire speech.

“And when I find someone or somethin’ I can fight for or when I feel safe for a minute, it all goes to shit after a while, it all just fuckin' goes to shit.” - Jim said and you could hear him crying. 

“Will you tell me what happened finally? You're freaking me out, Jim.” - You asked silently, playing with the hem of your sweater. Hopper was clearly angry and terrified of something - he would probably get drunk even if you were in Hawkins. His voice was emotionless, he was playing the tough guy card at the moment.

“A kid got lost today.” - He answered honestly and your breath got stuck a bit, but you kept your damn mouth shut since you could hear him taking a breath to continue. - “I thought he has just wandered off the main road or somethin’ but it really looks like that kid’s missin’. It's the Byers boy, that younger one.” - He told you and you closed your eyes. No wonder he felt like shit when a kid got lost in the woods, probably. 

“Have you found something, Jim? Don't be angry or sad, there's still hope.” - You whispered, watching your cousin Diane in the same age little Will was playing outside with a ball.

You knew Joyce Byers from occasionally visiting Melvald’s in the downtown. You remember the day you walked in and while you were handing her the cash, she pointed out on a drawing of a big rainbow spaceship and proudly, she said ’My son Will drew this.’ You knew her boys from meeting them sometimes. The brothers were a bit weird, but when a kid goes missing, you don't care if they were weird or not.

You just want to find them as quickly as possible.

"A bike if that's what you wanna call 'a find'." - Hopper mouthed back and you could hear him crying, he just couldn't handle the situation anymore. It was breaking your heart to hear him being this much fucked up. You wanted to hug him, press your body onto his, hold him tight and whisper him sweet nothings. You wanted to kiss him and make things right at least for a second.

"James Hopper, you better listen to me right now. You're the best cop I've ever seen. Stop whining, go to sleep now and you're going to find this fucking kid because that kid is lost somewhere in the woods, it's freezing to death, it's terrified and alone, you hear me?" - You said aggressively, being completely done with him and his self-shaming shit at that point. - "You won't duck out and you will make me proud."

You talked to him until the moment he really fell asleep, walking out of the empty room after the phone went silent. There were emptiness and horror inside of you. Will Byers got lost and your boyfriend promised himself to find him. You were destroyed, tired and worried for Jim, but you encouraged him enough to trust in himself. Or at least you thought so.

"What happened? Is Hopper doing okay?" - Your mom asked with a furrow as soon as you entered the door and you shook your head, looking at her with terror. They were just having a huge family dinner outside your granny's house, everyone from the family came to greet you.

"A kid went missing in Hawkins. You remember that little Byers? He always rode the bike with his friends, they were inseparable." - You mumbled and your mom only let out quiet 'Oh God' to summarize the whole situation. She went on a and gave Joyce a call - to tell her not to lose hope in finding Will.

You haven't left the house for the other two days - Hopper could call literally every minute and almost everyone got invested in that kid going missing. You missed a few cool trips here and there, but Hopper hadn't disappointed; he gave you heads up every few other hours. And you even laughed at times which you definitely didn't expect - like the time when it came to talking with Will's best friends.

"You wouldn't believe how bad I am with kids, these little fuckers were just fuckin' around with me, talkin’ about Lord of the Rings and stuff... Jesus." - Hopper mumbled with a quiet chuckle, lighting up another cigarette. He was calling you from a telephone booth and left Powell with Callahan in his Blazer, and according to his words, those men watched his every move. You chuckled at that. Jim really took your words directly to his heart, doing his best to save the damn kid. He was not giving up on that boy.

To find what happened, he talked with his best friends and the way he told you the investigation was going was so hilarious it made you laugh like crazy.

"No way. Jim Hopper is good at everything." - You hummed back and crossed your legs, thinking about some really nasty things.

"Am I? At what exactly, I can't seem to remember." - He asked in his deep voice and you knew that it's about to go really nasty. You yelled at your mom to get off the phone immediately through the whole fucking house just to have some privacy. Hopper, again, chuckled at that.

"Like... I don't know, folding clothes?" - You asked innocently still worrying that your mom's listening to that conversation. But as soon as you heard her yelling something at your cousins, you knew she really got off. - "After you tear it down off of me."

"Someone's in the mood to play, I see. I would like to stay and hear you foldin' your clothes, but the boys are in a hurry." - Jim whispered, yelling something at the two cops.

"Jim?" - You asked and you got only a hum as a response. - "Be safe out there, okay?"

"I'm missin' you here. I'm lookin' forward to seeing you." - He answered and the line got quiet again. You missed him as well, but in the end, you had only eight days in front of you. What could go wrong? And that was a dumb question to ask.

Well, a lot could go wrong actually, since the other day, Hopper's calls got less and less frequent until they stopped completely. It was the ninth of November when mom woke you up really late in the night. He handed you over the handset, making you sit up

"It's Hopper and he was really... Weird. It seems urgent. He was ringing the number fifteen minutes in a row." - She whispered and sat next to you on the bed, hugging your shoulder. It didn't matter how old Hopper was or what reputation did he have. He needed just as a human being needs another one to lean into. He needed you as a partner and no matter how stressful that was, you wanted to be there for him. And your mom understood that clearly.

"Jim, Jim, it's me." - You mumbled sleepily and listened to him hyperventilating. He was crying again, but he was trying to calm down now. He sometimes woke up with these panic attacks. Something went awfully off the rails in Hawkins. This wasn't the Jim you grew to know and love. - "Baby, stay here with me, let's do this together. Breathe in and out, just like that, that's it, that's it. In and out."

"We found the boy." - He muttered out when he calmed down finally. sobbing. He may pretend to be the rough edge guy, but you knew that's the exact opposite of his character when no-one can see him. He didn't get too friendly with people in Hawkins, but he cared about each one of them. That's why he was the Chief in the end.

"And what happened? Is everyone alright? Is he safe now?" - You asked and mouthed 'They found Will' to your mom. You were about to cry as well - he was making such heart-wrenching sounds that only that alone made your eyes water.

"He drowned in the quarry." - Hopper told you, lighting up a cigarette. - "He was decomposed, but the guys from the CIA told us that it's the boy for sure. Jesus." - And that was the moment you started to cry, putting a palm in front of your mouth. It wasn't hard to make out what had happened to little Will Byers.

"How's everyone doing? What about Joyce? Do you want me to come back? Just say a word and I'm on my way back, just like that." - You asked when you finally caught your breath. Your mom was holding you tight because it really had shocked you and she was also listening to everything Hopper said. She kissed your shoulder, closing her eyes. You have never spoken to that kid, but... He was so young. And according to Joyce really bright and creative. This wasn't fair. This just wasn't fair. He had a whole life ahead and now, it was just gone. Hopes were lost just like that. You felt the cold and emptiness growing in your chest again.

"No... Just stay there until I know it's safe here again, alrite? We'll be workin' with some guys from the state for a while now, closing the case up. " - Hopper told you sincerely and you hummed, crying again. - “The boy has a funeral tomorrow. I feel like this is on me, you know? Everyone was believin' that Jim fuckin' Hopper, the New York detective, will find the Byers boy alive and well... It's my fault."

"This doesn't mean you're a bad cop, Jim, okay?" - You asked him after a while when you made yourself calm down. - "This doesn't mean you suck at your job, baby. Don't put yourself down, you're a great cop and even a better person. The boy... It isn't your fault. I swear. We'll talk about it once I get back to Hawkins, okay?" - You asked worriedly. - "Please, send Joyce my deepest condolences. I'm..."

Hopper needed to be strong and so you needed to be strong as well. For him. You'd do everything for that man. If he would want you to go back to Hawkins immediately, you would go.

"Just keep out of Hawkins until I secure it again. If somethin' would go wrong with you, I don't think... I'm just really missin' you, sunshine." - Hopper mumbled tiredly and you understood. He needed to be alone, so you put the phone off the bed, looking at your mom. Hopper didn't cause this, but you knew he's going to put himself down horrendously after that. A boy's life was lost, but Hopper wasn't the one to blame.

But the worst thing about all of that? He hadn't called after that, not even once. You tried to occupy yourself with hikes and board games with your cousins, even playing some D&D, but there weren't any calls from Hopper from that day on. No matter how hard you wished for them, he hadn't call you. You called into the trail many times, but no-one had picked up.

That was the exact moment you had enough. If he was in danger, you wouldn't leave him like that, whether something bad happened to him or if it was his mind again.

You decided to come home earlier to check on him, which your mom agreed with. The sixteen-hours long drive with your car was horrendous, to say the least, but that very night, you stopped in front of Hopper's trail, basically storming inside. It was dark and empty, but you still hoped that Hopper left you a key under the mossy rock. It really was there.

You stopped yourself for a small moment before actually opening the door up, trying to prepare yourself for what will be inside of that trail. You almost threw up next to the stairs, opening the door finally. And for the fucking love of God, there was some serious mess inside of that trail.

You walked through it and saw at least a few tubes of Tuinal, each one of them empty, remnants of various fast food, beer cans, and full ashtrays literally everywhere. The furniture was messed up, the phone ripped out of the wall, TV laying on the side. The place looked robbed and for a moment, you got really, really worried.

Hopper wasn't nowhere to be found, so the last thing you could do was to sit and wait for him. While doing so, you decided to clean it up and cook some actual food. Before moving the furniture back in place, you checked the drawers, not finding his personal gun. Where was he and why did he take the gun with him?

He drove in pretty late in the night, it was almost midnight; you took a nap on the couch in the meantime, being dead asleep by the time he turned the engine off.

Hopper was thinking that he's hallucinating when he saw your car parked directly on its spot, but then he saw the turn on the light and you passed out in front of the TV through the window.

He took a deep breath in - he just came back from the Hawkins lab, closing another deal with them including Joyce and WIll, and he needed to think about what should he tell you. He wasn't willing to try his chances with telling you the truth; as he said, he wouldn't put you in danger under any circumstances and the men from the government weren't fucking around with anyone. He needed to come up with a story that would be believable and easy to swallow, but at the moment, he was just too tired to think of one. Jim slowly entered the trail, taking the coat off, putting it on a rack, trying not to wake you up yet. 

You were beautiful when you fell asleep - your cheeks got rosy, you snuggled deep into the blanket, having a dreamy emotion on your face. He kneeled behind the couch, kissing your temple and smoothing your hair, gently waking you up.

"You're here sooner." - Jim whispered with a smile when you opened up your eyes. He just needed you by his side, no matter what anyone in Hawkins is going to say. Fuck them and fuck the rumors. It was safe now, you were his girl and everyone else could go fuck themselves.

"And you stopped calling. I was worried." - You mumbled, nuzzling closer to his hand, reaching out to hold the other one. - "Where were you? It's really late."

"Was visiting Joyce's, she needed someone to talk to. I would be here sooner if you'd give me heads up." - Hopper kissed your temple again, helping you with standing up. He watched one of those lazy smiles.

"How's she? Feeling better after Will..." - You whispered in a broken voice. Oh. Hopper realized that you still thought that Will has drowned in the quarry. He hadn't got exactly the time to call you since he was held at the lab of driving around Hawkins with children in his Blazer most of the time.

"The boy was found alive, thanks to God. He's in the hospital and he's gettin' better and better with each passin' day. He's a fighter." - Jim said quietly and tried not to put too much emotion into it, but you knew that it's making him happy. He led you through the whole trail, kissing your collar bone though the fabric of the shirt once you were standing up in the bedroom. - "I've missed you so fuckin' much." - The man moaned into the fabric of his very own shirt and just when he was about to lay you down, you stopped him and palmed his jaws, making the man look at you.

"I'm proud of you, Jim Hopper." - You said quietly with an adoring look in your eyes. Hopper would swear that he hasn't seen so much awe and love in someone's eyes until you gave him this look. - "You are a great man. And I can't imagine being in Hawkins without you." - You whispered and pulled him in for a kiss.

You gave him many kisses, but this one was somehow full of feelings and Jim warmed up when he felt the love radiating out of it. For a while, the thought of him saying those three words was lingering on his mind as you took off the shirt, pressing your naked torso into the fabric of his uniform.

It would be so easy to say them. Every time he called you to Dakota, you were there and listened to every word; you laughed when you were supposed to laugh and you were sad when you were supposed to be sad. To say that he found everything he asked for was just too little to express everything about you.

You continued with kissing him, not leaving him alone in that freezing night for a single second. Nothing felt better than having you back and at that moment, he first realized that he's in love with you. It never crossed his mind so clearly. He was deeply in love. But he didn't want to ruin the moment, so he helped you with taking your pants down.

It didn't matter how smelly he was, it didn't matter that he had a huge bruise on his arm, the only thing that mattered was it was him. That it was him staying there with you.

And you realized how much you've fallen for that guy. It was the best feeling you've ever felt.

[laskovey]

I was so mad when Sinead got back with Chesney immediately after leaving Daniel. it also made me sad when Daniel saved Chesney's life after the stabbing and when she walked in she blamed Daniel. Idk What's your opinion?

Hey hun! Sorry for the late reply, kinda needed to get my thoughts together. It turned out to be almost an essay, hope you don’t mind ;)

I certainly was irritated too when Sinead ran back to Chesney right after she ended it off with Daniel, and I must admit it wasn’t only because I ship D/S. I was prepared for them to be apart for some time after the truth about Ken’s accident was brought to light, sure. Not only Daniel did this to his father, he has been hiding it from Sinead - and she needed to find a way to forgive him for both of these things. To be completely honest, there were times I believed she and Daniel will never be together again, and somehow (very badly, though) I could live with that thought.

The fact is I have a really, really, REALLY big problem with Sinead and Chesney’s relationship itself, and I swear, it’s not because I’m biased and love Daniel. I find Chesney to be an okay guy, though I wouldn’t call him decent: remember how he kicked Sinead out of the house and then sold her stuff after they broke up? So low. He tries to appear decent, however, and I guess he actually believes he’s a decent person, and that’s what I consider to be off-putting. There is also a list of things I find weird about him, for once taking Sinead back when she was clearly still in love with another man (he actually discussed it with Gemma after seeing Sinead giving Daniel a longing look in the street). Another one would be pretending Daniel stole Sinead from him (pay attention to his choice of words: “stole”, like she’s not her own person but a thing, ugh), when she told him time and time again they weren’t working before Daniel came along.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think Chesney and Sinead fit each other - maybe they did in the past, but not anymore. They barely have anything in common, and his love is just not enough to keep this relationship alive. I see what they’ve found in each other: he believes they’re supposed to be together forever and doesn’t intend to let go of her anytime soon, while for her he’s safety, he is familiar, he reminds her of good old times, and she starts to believe they’re ment to be, and her time with Daniel was simply a mistake, or a chance to realize she belongs with Chesney - just “a stupid affair”, as she prefers to call it now (that line was painful to hear too, by the way).

I believe that if Sinead doesn’t wanna be with Daniel, for now or forever, she could still do so much better than Chesney. Or she could stay alone - it’s also an option, you know, Corrie? (Sometimes I even wonder if she went back to Chesney just because she had to actually live somewhere after breaking up with Daniel - and I say that only half-jokingly.) I’m mad not because I pity Daniel, I pity her. She deserves so much more in her life than being trapped in a relationship because her significant other loves her and has mental issues because of which she can’t leave him at the moment. She’s young, she needs to experience life and aim for more, and, in my humble opinion, right now Chesney is dragging her down.

As for the stabbing: it was unbearable to watch Sinead accuse Daniel of doing such a thing, but I can see where she’s coming from and, honestly, can’t really blame her. Imagine being in her place: she knows he’s short-tempered, easily gets into fights and may hurt people (punched a wall, fought with Chesney, attacked Ken), she knows he and Chesney had a conflict, she knows that he may do something stupid because of her (again - Ken). And it’s obvious that the first thing that comes to her mind would be that he’s at fault. I’d think that too.

What bothered me is that she never apologized or thanked him for saving her precious boyfriend. Not only she never contacted him to say she’s sorry, she didn’t say it even when he came to her a month later (!!!) to ask how Chesney is and why would she think he could stab him; she just replied something incoherent and ran away from him yet again. (I still stupidly believe it might be brought up in the future, next week in the bistro for example)

TL;DR: I feel you, anon. Daniel/Sinead/Chesney storyline since June has made me feel sad, mad and all kinds of bad.

[birthright-magic]

July 21st (Packers Tank, Express Shorts, Bow Flops)

This was a memorable day, for sure. It was the day things started to change, mentally and spiritually, for me. We had breakfast at the hotel, then checked out so we could get going to Har Herzl - the memorial cemetery. It was deeply moving, and I honestly tried not to get weepy, but I did. The soldiers shared their stories in broken English, holding back tears, talking about friends they’d lost and tragedies they’d experienced. It was very intense and made me think that maybe I am not doing enough with my life (and fucking Jacob had the audacity to share a story about how 9/11 personally effected him.... UGH). We were here for a while and heard a few interesting stories and saw interesting graves and memorials. After this, we got on the bus to go back to the Old City. Elishay sat next to me on the ride and said he was tired, that he was going to put his head on the seat in front of him. I was like “uhh, you can lay on my shoulder” and he did, and it was sweet. He eventually got hold of my hand and played with it super gently and it’s not like I was turned on, but it was so gentle and unexpected that I definitely felt something. Neither of us made a big deal, but we got to the Old City and went separate ways. I pretty much wanted to be alone and explore all the quarters by myself. As soon as we walked in, some white guy was like “Go Pack Go!” and I noticed he was wearing a Badgers shirt! (I was wearing my hat and tank top so I looked like a huge fan, heehee.) I walked alone for a while, then somehow ended up walking with Aaron - he was sweet but just not interested in me at all, and a little awkward to be honest. We were walking in the Arabic quarter and I was getting a lot of attention from the vendors - I’m sure that made Aaron uncomfortable but I clearly loved it and just ignored it. I ate a nasty ass bagel with avocado and hung with Crystal most of this time. She let me hit her cool strawberry weed Juul and I bought jewelry for Corrie in this little shop where I got RIPPPPPED the fuck off. We had a tour of the underground tunnels of the Kotel, which was not that interesting and everyone in the group was complaining about it and sounding like typical disrespectful Americans. I tried to keep my mouth shut and find something interesting or memorable to hold on to but... the only thing was that silly video about how the wall was built back in the day. After this, we got dressed conservatively - in my long beige dress - for more time at the wall. This time I had way more time and space by myself at the wall - to touch, silently pray, and reflect on my life and my blessings and my wishes. I wrote a note to tuck inside the cracks and was glad that I had little to ask for and so much to be grateful for. After we left the wall, we went to go check in to our new hotel! It was right outside Tel Aviv and sat literally on the Mediterranean Ocean! I believe we ate dinner here, and the sun was setting absolutely perfectly indescribably beautifully on the ocean, and we had a perfect view. I sat with Illana, Sukey, Aaron, Nir and Elishay. Elishay asked to sit next to meee! I offered to do Sukey’s makeup for the night our in Tel Aviv. After dinner we started getting ready, I was wearing like whatever and first went to take care of Sukey. It was the first time we really connected and it was like mehhhhh. She had a weird vibe but I had fun doing her makeup and testing my skills. Illana was there with Greenberg doing her makeup (which ended up SUCKING and Illana said she wished I’d done her makeup that night, haha). Sukey looked CAKED and had her titties out and it was nice that she felt all cute and people complimented her look and she told them I did it 😊. So I got myself tarted up, put on my wine bodysuit, floral denim skirt and bow flops. Straightened the hair as much as I could and wore my heart hoop earrings and put on lashes and lipstick and posed for pictures with friends in the lobby before we left! Okay get ready, cause this is going to be the long and detailed part of this post. 😈 We got to Tel Aviv and walked in the street to this little strip of bars. Mind you, it was a Sunday night and it was still pretty boppin’! We started off all together at the busiest bar we saw. We went inside and found it difficult to get service. I hung with Raven for the first time (she was wearing THE cutest top and that’s how the vibe started) and she was trying to order shots, so I waited with her and had a shot with her. We took a snapchat together! I think I had one more shot here, then somehow wandered off with Molly and Alex. These girls were the SHIT - they hung with me all over town. We walked up and down the strip, checking out different bars, popping into interesting ones and having tequila shots for 10 shekels a pop wherever we went. I think at some point I must have made it obvious that I wanted to walk around alone (to hit my pen maybe? Who knows why drunk Hailey does anything...) So I told em I’d meet them later? I think I’m mixing this part up but I’ll fix it later. I was walking near the other bar, and Elishay came up to me. We were talking and walking together for a while I think, and he eventually asked me “Are you dipsy?” I couldn’t help but laugh and pretend I had no idea what he was saying. I was like “dipsy?” And he said, “you know like a dipsy?” Hahahaha I’m dying just thinking about it. But I said yes, I was dipsy. We must have been alone on the back streets because I remember him pulling me closer to him by my waist and kissing me. Uhhh, he was literally the best kisser I’ve ever met. He touched me, but not too much, used good tongue, moved his head, didn’t bump teeth, made the tiniest noises of appreciation, moved kinda fast, stroked my hair, cupped my ass, pulled me close to him... wow. And this was just the first time. We pulled apart at some point and I told him I NEEEEEDED more weed. I told him to ask people for carts and this was my favorite part of the night. We walked down these little back streets, me giggling next to him as he showed my empty cart to people on the street and asked in Hebrew where he could get one. Most people just started at him or said no... haha. My favoirte was one group of girls who looked at him and said “ew” - HAHA. We stopped on a darkly lit corner and I can’t remember who leaned in this time, but we kissed again, a little hotter, a little heavier this time. He pulled back and said “you’re really good, you know?” That was a massive ego boost... I haven’t made out with anyone like that in a loooong time. Not even Morgan likes to kiss that much, so. Anyway, at some point Dakota joined us... he was third wheeling it so hard, and Elishay and I were kind of playfully figuring out how to get rid of him. I think Elishay told him that there were some people at the other bar waiting for him - and he went over and E said “good, he left us” and kissed me again. I’m sure I was definitely making some kind of noise and I’m pretty proud I didn’t do anything too slutty. I really thought his beard would bother me, but it really didn’t. We sat down on a bench near the bar we sent Dakota to, and we kissed one more time there - God it was so good. I had not been touched or kissed like that in.... um. Literally ever. We eventually got up cause I said I wanted another shot, and I think I ran into Molly and Alex again. Molly was like “uhhhh Hailey what happened to you?” and she told me my lipstick was all messed up - so I told them and they were like EEEE!! And yeah, we went walking and bar hopping again. We went to the tree bar, where I talked to some man who was sitting alone at the at the bar. No one has ever smiled that big at me. I love being drunk enough to be super cute and friendly, but not drunk enough that I act stupid and annoying. I had this perfect cute buzz going, and the guy at the bar loved me and so did the bartender. We remembered we liked tree bar, then went on to the next one. I can’t really remember the order of these places but there was one place we went where there were three girls behind the bar. We came in, they looked at us, we walked to the bar and they ignored us. We walked out pretty quick. I think the next place was the Mexican style place. There was another guy sitting alone at the bar that seemed interested in us - we chatted for a while, cheersed with him, then ran to the bathroom. The bathrooms were the CREEPIEST thing I had ever seen. Mine had a giant pink panther statue in it, was totally dark, and had creepy classical music playing it it. I initially ran out of it, like, almost unable to go in and shut the door, but the girls were peeing and I had to piss so.... I ended up taking a selfie with the pink panther statue thing. After this, we said bye to the guy at the bar (I think there was a mega cute guy in the back bar of this restaurant...) and went down the street to this convenience store - don’t know why. We had fun in the perfume section (we all sprayed ourselves with Moschino!) and went down the street to the fountain where we took cute pictures and talked about Elishay a little more. After this, we passed by these cute guys who were drinking wine in the park and had their cute dog with them. I was pretty sure they were grilling me... couldn’t be sure. We stopped in some bar where we literally waited FOREVER for service, and the guy was a giant dickhead and I can’t remember why... we were being cute and sweet - no idea why he had an attitude, but. Oh well. We shot it and left, vowing never to return. We walked past those guys with the dog again and I told the girls we should go say hi. I lead the way and said hi to the dog, talked to the guys (about birthright? I think?) and then were on our way back again. I think the night was over at this point, and we walked back to the bus. We drove back to the hotel and all went our separate ways -  I went with Lily, Anna, Crystal and Laurie to smoke a J together, then went walking on the beach! I dipped my toes in the Mediterranean, danced around, played with the girls, spied on Lior talking to Ayelet, watched as Elishay hung around waiting for me and ended up talking to Aaron in the hopes that he had some bud or wanted to hook up or something. We talked for a looong time - I don’t know why, I think I honestly expected him to smoke me up somehow. Elishay was texting me, telling me he went to the hotel and then Molly texted me telling me he was hanging out on the 3rd floor. Eventually, Aaron and I walked inside at about 3am and he told me bluntly that there would be no smoking. WOMP. I think I went to bed right after this... how could I have slept!?

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 05/12/2020

Earlier this week, I finished and released by end-of-year list of the Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020, which, for once, was on time, being released on the 1st – or 2nd – of December, depending on your time zone. That means I’ve already spent hours discussing music, and to be honest, I have a pretty bad headache in addition to this, so you know, I’m not really in that chart-reviewing spirit. Thankfully, we have very few songs to review here, and a lot of it should be pretty inoffensive. Now, before that, let’s talk about the actual state of the charts because it is looking ridiculous. Ariana Grande’s “positions” spend its sixth week at #1, and welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Much like last week, it was an absolute bloodbath for any non-Christmas song this week, and this especially affects the hip hop and R&B on the chart. In the UK Top 75, which I cover every week, there’s a drastic difference to the US Billboard Hot 100, and that is the lack of radio. Radio impressions or plays have never been counted on the UK Singles Chart, and whilst in the States, I understand that a lot of Christmas songs rely on the radio, this is not true at all across the pond, because, for whatever reason, Christmas songs are streamed and bought a lot here even 60 years after the song’s original release. This is likely due to a smaller, arguably less diverse population and the immense amount of streaming service-curated playlists, which serve the same purpose as radio and often have the exact same label gimmickry and payola. Regardless, there is a stupid amount of drop-outs and fallers this week, for pretty big tracks as well. Now as I said I only cover the top 75 of the UK Singles Chart because it’s just easier and really, who cares about those last 25 songs? On the UK Singles Chart proper, Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”, one of the biggest hits of 2019 and 2020, just spent its 100th week on the chart, which is insane, especially for a modern song. I think the song is dreadful but it is one of the biggest songs of all time here on the Isles, and since we’re going by my measures, it just dropped out (after spending seven weeks at #1, mind you). Of course, that’s not the only notable drop-out – and to be notable, you have to have spent five weeks on the chart or peaked in the top 40 – this week. Let’s list them, shall we? We have “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, which spent 40 weeks on the chart, as well as #1 hit “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” by Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo, “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy, “Mood Swings” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Tjay, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo, “Holiday” by Little Mix, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit featuring Mabel and 24kGoldn, “Come Over” by Rudimental featuring Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk, “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals, “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST, “Confetti” by Little Mix, “pov” by Ariana Grande (to make way for another one of her songs we’ll get to – also probably the only actually good song that dropped out this week) and finally, “Life Goes On” by BTS off of the debut at #10. On the chart proper, this is one of the biggest free-fall drops of all time, and honestly, who wasn’t expecting this? Speaking of falls, we have a lot of those too. Whilst these are fallers, you should consider how impressive they are for even trying to survive the holiday season, which just can’t be done for a lot of these songs, even the biggest hits of the year, some of which we just mentioned. One of the funniest parts of this to me is that KSI of all people survived the overload of Christmas songs through his Craig David chorus on “Really Love” with Digital Farm Animals down to #17. For a former YouTuber, he has an immense amount of star-power and it’s kind of worrying. Otherwise, our notable fallers include “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #24, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #25 (not a good week for either of these guys – or anyone), “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #26 off of the top 10 debut, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #27, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #29, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd stripped of all of its gains at #31 (seriously, whilst most of these songs were fading naturally prior, this is worrying), “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver at #34, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #42 (giving him four songs as a lead artist on the chart – OCC, that’s not how your dumb rules work; be consistent), “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio really having the most intense combination of streaming cuts and Christmas music at #44, “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes flailing at #45 (it will probably rebound next week), “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46 (same here), “Golden” by Harry Styles at #47, “Loading” by Central Cee at #48, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #49, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #50, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #52, “UFO” by D-Block Europe and Aitch at #55, “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer at #56, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #60 (which happened to play as I was writing this), “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #61, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #62, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith having the biggest fall to #63, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #65, “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D at #69, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith and Popcaan at #70, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #71 and finally, “Flavour” by Loski and Stormzy at #74. A YouTube comment on the video version of this chart read, “RIP to hip hop and R&B in the UK, 2020-2020”, and, I mean, it’s a fair assessment. That’s not all though, folks, as we have the returning entries, most of which are very explicitly Christmas songs. Let’s start with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #75, and continue up the chart with “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #73, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #72 (always the best song on the entire chart whenever it returns), “A Little Love” by Celeste from the John Lewis advert at #64, “Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano at #54, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by the late Dean Martin at #54, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #52, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #43, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by the late John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #40 (always the worst song on the chart whenever it returns), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #39 (this is an accurate ranking of the Beatles), “Jingle Bell Rock” by the late Bobby Helms at #38, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #37 and “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by the late Andy Williams at #36. Yes, that’s five consecutive Christmas songs returning to the top 40, made all the more ridiculous when you realise it’s topped off by “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X... at #41 – and it actually gained this week! Oh, and we don’t stop there either as not only do we have “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande returning to #16 as well, but we also have all of the gains this week. All of our notable gains are in the top 40 and all but one are Christmas songs, so let’s start with “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis up to #33 (our greatest gain this week) and continue up the chart with “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #32, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne at #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard at #23, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #22, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber and Brenda Lee at #21 and #19 respectively, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #20, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #18, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #15 (looking at this chart, I think we ALL know exactly what time it is), “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #14, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #13, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl at #9, “Last Christmas” by Wham! at #3, and finally, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #2. I don’t know if I’ll be happier if a 1994 classic hits #1 for the first time this Christmas, or an Ariana Grande song about sex positions takes the Christmas #1, given, of course, that LadBaby doesn’t pull something out of his ass last minute. Christmas also actually lands on a Friday this week, so there’s potentially two Christmas #1s: the #1 on Christmas Day and the #1 that includes Christmas Day. I mean, there’s this issue every year but since the chart week literally starts and ends on the day this year, I guess we’ll just have to see what the Official Charts Company decides. For now, after not-so-swiftly covering all of that garbage – and there’s three weeks more of it to come, folks – let’s discuss some of our new arrivals, none of which I imagine will be all that interesting but, hey, at least they’re not Christmas songs. In fact...

NEW ARRIVALS

#68 – “Body” – Megan Thee Stallion

Produced by LilJuMadeThatBeat

...It’s the antithesis of what it means to be wholesome, commercial and festive. You all know and love Megan Thee Stallion by now, and whilst I didn’t listen to that debut record yet – it is 17 songs after all – I have heard pretty positive reception so I will check out Good News at some point. Rico Nasty did release a record that’s only one less track and 13 full minutes shorter, so to be honest, I’m a lot more excited to check out that album, even if it won’t have any impact here. I did laugh at the track list when I saw “Intercourse (feat. Popcaan & Mustard)” though, which is one of the few times I have genuinely laughed at just a track list. “Shots Fired” is a pretty great Tory Lanez diss track though, so I’ll say that. “Body” is relatively deep into the track listing, yet seems to be the biggest hit, mostly because of that polarising earworm hook and the music video. Oh, yeah, and it straight-up samples a woman having an orgasm, so don’t expect this to stick around. In fact, that’s the only melody behind this dirty South bounce-adjacent track, and even with that, it only comes in on that chorus, which is less annoying to me as it is just catchy. It’s not like men haven’t done the same thing, though, I mean, Dr. Dre famously – or infamously – “paused 4 porno” on his album 2001, and just in 2018, Kanye released “XTCY”, a song that is hilariously lacking in any kind of moral compass, let alone born-again Christianity. It did the same thing that “Body” does with the moaning yet it also covers it in this really eerie sample, as well as spare 808s and a drum beat that doesn’t feel like it gets in the way of whatever the hell Kanye’s doing on this track. It also helps that the moaning doesn’t just come in on the chorus, instead we have a string swell to distinguish it, and that Kanye has more of a comical lyrical nature on “XTCY”. This comparison is only fair when looking at the production, though, as whilst Kanye has “sick thoughts”, Megan is just bragging about her own body-ody-ody-ody-ody, etc. over a pretty mainstream, accessible beat, even if it has really ugly, loud 808s that kind of do get in the way of the rapping here. Thankfully, Megan rides this beat forcefully – no pun intended – and with some really great wordplay, even if there are a few immediately dated references here and there. That third verse is also pretty funny, and whilst I don’t want to focus too much on this song – it’s a family show after all – this is pretty lively and whilst I’m not a fan of this beat, Megan makes it worth sitting through and honestly, the song sounds a lot shorter than it is. Check it out.

#67 – “Love is a Compass” – Griff

Produced by PARKWILD

I didn’t say the word “compass” on purpose knowing this song would be next, although perhaps I subconsciously snuck the word in. Maybe I should have made it seem like I foreshadowed this song, but honestly what about this warrants foreshadowing? I don’t mind Disney music at all. In fact, a lot of the films are full of really classic compositions that have aged incredibly, including the Renaissance era of their films, especially. In fact, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan – the original – is one of the few soundtrack songs that is directly related to and featured in the film yet I can still listen to outside of that context. I’ve not even watched either Mulan – or have Disney+ - so it’s not like I’m a big fan, but I can appreciate the music when I find it, even if I mostly despise everything Disney stands for as a company. The issue with this is that it cannot apply to “Love is a Compass”. I’m sure Griff and her producer PARKWILD are talented musicians, but this is purely a product. This wasn’t even made for an original animated feature, or a painfully weak adaptation of one of their original animated features starring Will Smith as the Genie. This is a generic piano ballad made for an advert, because just like literal shops and manufacturing companies like John Lewis, Disney has a Christmas advert. There’s nothing artistic about this. This “emotional” piano ballad is layered in reverb and egregious Auto-Tune that drains Griff of whatever emotion her delivery could have had. It doesn’t sound good in this context at all and it is so obvious, which is unfortunate because her voice, Auto-Tuned in a similar way, could easily work over more lo-fi and interesting production. As it is, this is repulsive, sonically and on every other level beyond that.

#66 – “Angels Like You” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Louis Bell and watt

So, Miley Cyrus dropped her album, Plastic Hearts, last week and I expected more impact on the chart but the two singles are really THAT big that not any of the album cuts had much of a chance, even if “Prisoner” dropped a few spaces. Other than that, “Midnight Sky” is still in the top five and near the end of the chart, we have a debut: “Angels Like You”. It’s clear why this charted because this isn’t just a highlight from the album or a personal favourite of mine, but it’s a fan favourite honestly, a career highlight – which may not be hard to make, I mean, it’s Miley Cyrus we’re talking about – but it still impresses me with how much I really love this song. This is more of a mellow ballad than many of the tracks surrounding it on the record, with Cyrus’ raspy country twang finally met with a fitting blend of acoustic guitars and a genuine orchestral swell in the chorus, even if at times it decides to start clipping. The shift in guitar tone to a dirtier, aggressive one after the first chorus is a genius touch, and even the pretty stiff drum machine here feels like it adds a lot to the power of this song, especially when it starts kicking behind the screeching guitar solo, leading into an admittedly anti-climactic final chorus... that might even be fitting for the content, which is a break-up song but not one that decides to deflect blame or even focus entirely on the break-up, rather being an acknowledgement of what both parties here did wrong, and why they ended up in the relationship to begin with. Both Cyrus and her ex-girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter were in rough spots coming off of previous relationships in late 2019 and those dark spots are what Cyrus understands lead to the collapse of this relationship. She discusses the lack of connection between the two in the first verse, leading to a literally nameless relationship where it was full of romantic gestures but not any depth. The chorus is a complex look at how Cyrus knew she would look back on the relationship as little more than a fling, but how she regrets that this is her only view of the relationship. She didn’t want anything more and split after things started getting too serious, and feels genuine guilt for using Carter to heal her own depression, because “misery needs company”. She uses the biblical metaphor to demonstrate how she feels she tugged down her girlfriend, described here as an “angel”, to the hell Cyrus thinks she resides in, which may be melodramatic, sure, but I’d be lying if I said Cyrus doesn’t completely sell it here, with some of her best vocals to date, backed up by gorgeous production and really well-written lyrics. This is a genuinely brilliant ballad, give it a listen.

#58 – “Naughty List” – Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio

Produced by TMS

I’ve been writing these producers as “TM5” for so long without realising it’s an abbreviation for “The Music Shed”. Anyway, I hope we can all agree that Liam Payne is probably the worst off when comparing the One Direction boys and their solo careers so far. Harry Styles is one of the biggest stars in the world, making a twist on 70s classic rock that I don’t like at all but he IS making headlines and having massive chart success. Niall Horan is having mild success making rock and folk albums that are honestly alright, ZAYN has two albums under his belt that may not be listenable but at least the first one was a success and he did go into a more mature R&B direction, and Louis Tomlinson might not have been met with any success from his album earlier this year but at least there’s some quality there. Liam Payne, however, has been releasing straight garbage to no fanfare for the past three years, dating back to “Strip that Down” with Quavo, and continuing down the path of feigning maturity and development with music clearly not backing it up, demonstrated by the bisexual fetishism on his delayed debut album and how his collaborations went from relying on Zedd to relying on J Balvin to relying on TikTok stars on a sexually-charged Christmas single that couldn’t even crack the top 50. I have no idea who Dixie D’Amelio is other than seeing her sister’s controversies on Twitter in passing, but it is depressing that a major-label pop star needs D’Amelio to chart this high – and no, given his most recent singles with bigger features like A Boogie wit da Hoodie and Cheat Codes, as well as the shoddy performance of his last Christmas song, I’m not even considering that it’s the other way around. This immediately, in its first 15 seconds, makes sure you know this will be awful, with its tedious acoustic guitar strumming fused with cheap sounding sleigh bells and dated trap percussion, even with little “hey!” gang vocals straight out of 2014 that make this sound a lot less new and fresh than I think Payne thought it did. Also, something about these lyrics sounds really odd when you consider the age gap between the two vocalists. I mean, D’Amelio’s 19 years old, so it’s not like this is illegal in any way (and they didn’t have any chemistry to begin with), but the childlike imagery in the chorus just makes this gross. “Santa saw the things we did and put us on the naughty list”? This has less subtlety than 3OH!3’s Christmas song they released this year. Yes, that happened, and somehow the two washed-up early 2010s pop stars made a “dirty” Christmas song that is miles better than Liam Payne’s, probably because of the more interesting lyrical detail, and that, you know, it isn’t a duet. Check out “KISSELTOE” if you’re interested, it’s really good. I liked their comeback single with 100 gecs too so I’m pretty excited for whatever comes out of 3OH!3’s recent productivity. This song, on the other hand, as well as the upcoming joke, is just Payne-full.

#53 – “No Time for Tears” – Nathan Dawe and Little Mix

Produced by Tré Jean-Marie and Nathan Dawe

Okay, so, I understand the marketing of releasing a single after a long time of not releasing a single and after your singles have all dropped out of the chart, but Little Mix are just being managed horribly here. Why would you release a single in the Christmas season that you want to be big? This isn’t a holiday song in any way and doesn’t even sound like one, so releasing it this early into the Christmas season is just begging for it to be forgotten and eventually flop. Nathan Dawe is an EDM DJ so he doesn’t need this type of promotion as long as he can tour next year and he’s got big features, and Little Mix don’t need any extra singles because they’re still in the top 10 and they’ve branched out to reality television. Just let the girls breathe for a second and enjoy their success. Oh, and this song isn’t just logistically unnecessary, it’s sonically unnecessary, acting as a house-pop club banger with that standard piano sound reminiscent of 90s house that has been adopted recently by DJs, with any of the infectious melodies and genuine drive sucked out of it, especially if Dawe is going to add a Goddamn trap breakdown in the second verse with the most pathetic set of percussion I’ve heard in years on a house track. It’s not like Little Mix are saving this either because the lyrical content is re-tread and their performances are largely unrecognisable from each other and songs they’ve made before. Yeah, this isn’t offensive, but it isn’t interesting, outside of that bridge, but even then it builds up perfectly to a chorus that’s interrupted by a pointless, repetitious interlude. This song isn’t just uninteresting, it’s inherently unnecessary on all fronts, which if anything, is just kind of sad.

#35 – “All You’re Dreaming Of” – Liam Gallagher

Produced by Simon Aldred and Andrew Wyatt

Surely out of all of these songs, I’d have the most to say about our top 40 debut, with Liam Gallagher, former frontman of legendary rock band Oasis,  and his new lead single, right? Well, no, because here are some unfortunate truths: Oasis made two good albums, and they’re not as good as you remember. Liam Gallagher is an awful person who continued to rip off his own band with his new one, without the songwriting ability his brother Noel had. Liam continues to be persistent in his making of enemies for no other reason than publicity. Noel’s reaching out to Liam for the sake of at least reconciliation goes completely unnoticed, ignored or criticised by Liam for no discernable reason other than an on-and-off again facade that’s been going on for more than a decade. Noel wasn’t even that great of a songwriter, relying mostly on musicianship and other people’s melodies he liked to co-opt for his own tracks. None of their solo work has been listenable yet still gathers attention that I imagine is to the dismay of those other band members in Oasis who, ultimately, made those classic albums as much as the Gallaghers. Where’s the praise for Bonehead, Guigsy or even Gem Archer, who stuck it out despite decreasing popularity, utter lack of musical quality and increasing tensions between the people who kept the band afloat until they decided to break up? Both Noel and Liam look at Oasis with regret or admiration depending on how they feel that day but when you look at who REALLY won that Britpop battle tabloids liked to hype up in the 1990s, you realise how far away Oasis was from Blur or even Pulp in terms of not only their songs but having their stuff together. This new song is complete garbage as well, with a pretty awful mixing job, Liam being as distinctively nasal and infuriating as he is with any of his songs let alone his uninteresting ballads, and the COVID-19 charity pandering that comes off as really false, especially since even after Noel released an Oasis track this year as a result of the lockdown – and Liam whining about how he wants to bring the band together to help the NHS – he criticised the honest release of the demo, which Noel wrote and sang himself. It’s also especially telling how the proceeds are only going to benefit charity for its first month of release. Afterwards, Liam and the label can scrape up whatever leftover streams they get from diehard fans. I don’t like Band Aid at all, in fact the song is pretty damn rancid, but at least they keep on recording updated versions to give to modern charities. Liam, you’ve got a bank account the average Manchurian would dream of. This charity single is a fraud, and a pretty hypocritical, immoral one at that.

Conclusion

I think on principle on how fake it is and how awful the song is, I have to give Worst of the Week to Gallagher... but I have a rule against crowning any kind of charity single with that title. At the end of the day, at least something at some point is going to the people who need it. Worst of the Week in that case goes to “Naughty List” by Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio, with a Dishonourable Mention to the product that is Griff’s “Love is a Compass”. Best of the Week should be obvious as it’s going to Miley Cyrus for “Angels Like You”, with an Honourable Mention to Megan Thee Stallion’s “Body”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

May I remind you this is the first week of December? Anyway, I doubt Shawn Mendes will make anything through the barrage of holiday tracks, but if he does, that’s next week. Thank you for reading and follow me at @cactusinthebank for more ramblings of this sort, I suppose. See you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th November 2019

I think I should give an update on what I’m listening to as I don’t often do that on this show. Hold on, let’s check my last.fm... oh, yeah, 300 scrobbles for Weezer – in the past week. I really have hit rock bottom.

Top 10

For what should be the sixth consecutive week now, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at #1, and somehow that’s the only thing staying stable amongst all the chaos as while I’d like to think this was a relaxed week where it cleared out everything from the JESUS IS KING album bomb and left only the remnants of that busy week, it really wasn’t, and instead was a full-on avalanche by its own accord.

The first most obvious example of that is “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa, debuting at #2, and that’s pretty much the only example of this week’s generally manic appearance in the top 10, as the huge comeback single becomes Dua Lipa’s 12th UK Top 40 hit and her seventh top 10 hit, her first top 10 since “Electricity” with Silk City peaked at #4 in 2018. I’ll be speaking more in depth about that song later.

Otherwise, we don’t have much interest in this first ten songs. “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean (By technicality) is down one spot to number-three.

Unfortunately, this has opened up possibilities for Ed Sheeran and “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B up a space to number-four.

Also down one space is “Circles” by Post Malone, surprisingly, at number-five, as I saw this as possibly making a run for #1 but that doesn’t seem as likely with the monster that “Dance Monkey” is.

“Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez is down three spaces off of the debut to number-six, as I expected.

Staying steady at number-seven is “Good as Hell” by Lizzo featuring Ariana Grande.

Also still at number-eight is “Memories” by Maroon 5.

Now we have two one-space fallers at the tail-end of the top 10, first of all “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi at number-nine. I don’t even know how this is still here.

Secondly, and finally to round off the top 10, “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy at #10.

Climbers

There aren’t many climbers here at all but the only two notable climbers are in the top 20 and look like foreshadowing of hits to come, so that’s notable in itself, although very unfortunate as despite me being relatively ambivalent on the pretty decent “This is Real” by Jax Jones featuring Ella Henderson moving up 11 spaces to #19, I am immensely displeased about “hot girl bummer” by blackbear peaking higher than the original “Hot Girl Summer” as it reaches the top 20 at #18 after a seven-space boost, as if this hack needed any more attention put on him.

Edit: I forgot about Niall Horan’s “Nice to Meet Ya” up eight spots to #26 this week, which I’m happy about since it’s a great song and I’d love to see it find its way into the top 10.

Fallers

There aren’t actually as many fallers this week, or at least less than I expected, but there’s still a couple notable fallers to talk about here, such as “Follow God” by Kanye West down nine spaces to #15 off of the debut at #6 last week, as well as other losses for most of the debuts from last week (Well, those that are still on the chart), those being “Floss” by AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s down five to #27, “Orphans” by Coldplay down five to #32 and “Look at Her Now” by Selena Gomez down 13 to #39. Also losing out on five spaces this week at #33 is “Take Me Back to London”, a former #1, by Ed Sheeran and Stormzy, and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We actually do have a re-entry this week and it’s “Graveyard” by Halsey back at #40, meaning we have eight drop-outs, most of those being established smash hits finishing up their run, those being “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May from #32, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey out from #35, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello out from #36, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch from #37, “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike from #38 and “Don’t Call Me Angel (Charlie’s Angels)” by Ariana Grande featuring Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey from #39, as well as, of course, Kanye West’s two hits from JESUS IS KING that debuted last week, “Selah” featuring uncredited vocals from Sunday Service, Ant Clemons and Bongo ByTheWay out from #19 and “Closed on Sunday” with A$AP Bari out from #20.

ALBUM BOMB: Krept & Konan – Revenge is Sweet

On the 1st of November this year, British trap duo Krept & Konan released their sophomore album Revenge is Sweet and it peaked at #5 on the albums chart. I haven’t listened to it because I personally don’t care much for the two rappers, but they are big enough to land two hits in the top 40, one of which was released as a single prior to the album but both bearing high-profile features, so I’ll have to talk about them.

#28 – “G Love” – Krept & Konan featuring Wizkid

Produced by P2J

First of all, I obviously do not have as much to say about Krept & Konan than I do about Kanye, so this will be a shorter episode in comparison to last week with JESUS IS KING since there’s a lot less to unpack and I have a lot less passionate opinions about the duo (Which, considering how disappointed I was with that album, is probably not a bad thing). This is pre-release single, “G Love”, Krept & Konan’s fourth UK Top 40 hit, and it features Nigerian singer Wizkid, who makes his second ever appearance on the chart. For what it’s worth, I actually very much enjoy Wizkid whenever he appears, usually bubbling under the top 40 with songs featuring Drake and Skepta, as he has a lot of charisma; honestly, I’m surprised this is his only his second appearance on the chart, and his first since “One Dance”, a Drake song featuring him and Kyla hit a record peak of #1 in 2016. It’s a pretty odd collaboration for Krept & Konan, but then again, Wizkid did a song with Skepta as well, so this could be good – and is it? Well, it isn’t a good first impression when the otherwise nice synths are clipping pretty badly but it doesn’t exactly create a bad vibe or atmosphere, and while Konan sounds half-dead on the hook, Wizkid’s high-pitched Auto-Tuned croon is pretty vibrant. Konan is equally dull on the verse, although admittedly both he and Krept have pretty funny opening lines, even if Krept is mostly talking about emojis for half of his verse (Not even kidding, apparently if you cross him, you’ll get emoji knives). I don’t really have an opinion about this song, to be honest, it’s a pretty generic Afroswing beat with some squeaky vocal samples, and Krept and Konan both sound like they did a one-take whilst high and left. There’s a weird empty space between the verses and chorus as well, it genuinely feels a bit janky at times (God, I haven’t used that word in ages). Wizkid doesn’t even have a verse, so this is pretty boring. Let’s hope the next song can redeem the duo...

#23 – “Tell Me” – Krept & Konan featuring D-Block Europe and Ling Hussle

Produced by Dabeatfreakz

Okay, so this is more in Krept & Konan’s wheelhouse and has honestly got me pretty excited because D-Block Europe are the funniest men in UK trap right now, and I don’t think they even realise it. Anyway, this is Krept & Konan’s fifth UK Top 40 hit, D-Block Europe’s sixth, and it’s actually also a pre-release single (Hell, this one’s got a video). If you’re wondering who Ling Hussle is, well, she’s actually an upcoming rapper and singer who hangs around these guys, seemingly, and hasn’t actually been able to crack a million views yet from what I can gather, so this really is kind of her breakout single and obviously her first to hit the UK Top 40. Can these five rappers make a cohesive posse cut? Well, of course not, it’s D-Block Europe, but they try, bless them. First of all, this really isn’t a Krept & Konan song, Konan is definitely there even if he’s drowned in Auto-Tune that makes him unrecognisable, but Krept has a really short verse, and Ling Hussle straight-up doesn’t, instead providing an admittedly pretty sultry hook with Young Adz, who somehow cannot handle the simple melody that Ling Hussle lays down and kills, having a stroke on the pretty bland piano-trap beat as he tends to do. Krept is also pretty pathetic here, with a hilarious falsetto that genuinely made me chuckle – although that was probably unintentional. The end of Krept’s janky verse is hilarious, with the beat just barely there, and it mostly being breathing sounds and one-syllable ad-libs while Krept barely gets words out, and it’s all drowned in Auto-Tune with so much weird empty space. It’s so bizarre, to the point where Young Adz’s obnoxious singing about wanting the woman to open her legs so he can “watch her pee” sounds pretty for-the-course. Genius annotators just gave up on Konan’s verse, and he and Dirtbike LB are easily the least interesting here, although Konan does spend much of his time making some strange, misguided metaphor for guns using Maggie Simpson. He probably has the best verse here, as it’s the only one that doesn’t completely collapse midway through. I can’t help but like this, though, because everything goes wrong at some point and no-one even attempts to fix it, much like all of D-Block Europe, who I’m starting to think are my favourite UK rap artists because they are so unashamedly awful that whilst most of their music is unlistenable, any deeper analysis forms a new genre I like to call Post-Cubist era trap-rap.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Opp Thot” – Poundz

Produced by HARGO

“I could never wife your opp-thot. Give me that neck, come bop-bop. I just want to jeet and skeet, don’t use no teeth, girl, give me that slop-top.” How poetic. It’s a viral song from Poundz, and hence his first UK Top 40 hit, and I have such little expectations that this could be Nostalgia Critic’s version of The Wall and I’d praise it to hell and back as if it were by Floyd. Seriously though, this isn’t actually that bad. Lyrical density isn’t there but I didn’t expect it to be, and the mixing on the version that is used for Spotify adverts might actually be better as the hi-hat is too centred with Poundz’s multi-tracked and kind of hurts my ears actually. There are actually some cool lines here, and punchlines that make me understand the viral success, like when he kicks someone “out like Brexit”, the loveable way in how he says he’ll shoot you (“Man get hit with the ostrich bird”), how he makes people run away from him “like Scooby”, and a couple of other funny pop culture references about Tetris, Snapchat and... getting your enemy sprayed like Fireman Sam. Yeah, that line won me over, because the beat is just a menacing piano line with some skittering trap beat behind it and honestly nothing all too special. It isn’t that bad though, there is some talent here.

#35 – “Break Up (Bye Bye)” – Cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK

Produced by Leland and Frederick William Scott

Features uncredited vocals from Jade Thirlwall

...Huh? Okay, so I knew of the new British edition of RuPaul’s Drag Race (Graham Norton’s a legend) but I actually have no idea how the “drag race” works. I know what drag queens are and do (If “drag queens” is the right term), but I don’t know the format of the show at all – although I know the American edition has probably been around for decades at this point. The people on the American show do release promo singles but they don’t ever get close to charting anywhere so I usually don’t have to worry about any of this, but I am a complete outsider to whatever fanbase this has, and that seems to be a sizeable portion of people since this did chart. So, I did some vague research and found out that this was written by MNEK, who you should know from “Never Forget You” and several other hit singles, for the fifth episode of the show, and is credited under the name “Frock Destroyers”. Classy. Listen, this is the cast’s first UK Top 40 hit, and I do not understand the show, I’m just going to make this clear because I won’t understand the song either (In fact, there are two songs and they have the same name but one of them is by “Filth Harmony” so I’m even more confused). Anyway, about the song: the horns sound really cheap and gross, as do the hi-hats and the awfully-mixed instrumentation in general, so much so that I’m actually distracted by the very questionable lyrics, mostly because of the awful bass mastering that isn’t only clipping but it just doesn’t have any impact in the drop. It’s not like the chorus is anthemic as it’s supposed to be either, because it just feels so rushed and random. The female lead vocal is delivered by Jade Thirlwall of Little Mix so it’s not like it isn’t a good performance, but it is so inconsistently mixed in comparison to what I’m assuming are the drag contestants, who are so much louder than everything, especially the second verse. It’s pretty catchy, admittedly, but this really is a bit of a trainwreck production-wise. I guess I’ve officially been frock-destroyed. Whatever that means.

Edit: I listened to the other version and it might actually be worse lol

#31 – “Kiss and Tell” – AJ Tracey and Skepta

Produced by Skepta

More UK trap? Okay, well, it was actually a pretty big week for the genre as AJ Tracey and Skepta are also here with their eighth and 15th UK Top 40 hit respectively, “Kiss and Tell”. AJ Tracey had a song debut last week which was okay and I’m generally indifferent towards the guy although his debut album was pretty lacklustre, and I’ve always been a Skepta fan, so in a way I’m excited to hear but I am worried that it could be pretty dull as well, considering AJ Tracey’s got top billing... but it is Skepta-produced and I haven’t heard many bad beats from the man, and this one is definitely very cute, with the twinkling synth melody and otherwise typical trap beat and 808s, as well as a haunting vocal loop. Honestly, everyone kills it here. Sure, “kiss and tell” doesn’t rhyme with “Astroworld”, but AJ Tracey’s flow in the first verse is insane, with some really great lines, especially the hilarious closing line about... something falling off a chair, let’s just say that. Seriously, this is probably AJ Tracey’s best ever verse, it’s rapid and slick, and works especially with his voice. Skepta also delivers a slightly slower verse here, but his flow is janky at times, and takes awkward pauses despite moments where he really kills it – in fact this verse parallels most of his discography. Skepta can be awkward and inconsistent but when he really kills it, I’m amazed, and he does impress me with his flow here sometimes, but AJ really shines on this song. I didn’t have much to say about that one, but it’s actually pretty great. I hope this isn’t a fluke, because if this is how AJ is coming in on his second album, it could be one of my favourite hip-hop albums of next year. We’ll see, but for now this is great.

#30 – “Thumb” – M Huncho and Nafe Smallz

Produced by Quincy

While these names may seem alien to you, they’ve actually charted before. Nafe Smallz and M Huncho both appeared with Gunna on the Plug’s “Broken Homes”, a song I wish I enjoyed more than I did, and Nafe also appeared on a pretty awful Skepta single called “Greaze Mode” (Probably a candidate for, if not, his worst song), so this is their second and third UK Top 40 hit respectively. The BBC refused to give it any cover art on their page, so I guess that could mean anything... but it most likely means that this is garbage, because this really is some awful, unforgivable dreck. First of all, let’s talk about the lyrics and structure for a bit. There are two renditions of the chorus, they’re both exactly the same, over-long two-part hooks delivered by M Huncho. There is one verse in the middle and it is entirely a trade-off between the two rappers, with Nafe Smallz being considerably more sexist and disgusting in his verse where he delivers a frankly terrible Young Thug impression. I understand that rap music has a lot of misogyny and disrespect towards women, hell, I have to acknowledge that as someone who just praised a song called “Opp Thot”, but at least have some attempt in hiding your lack of respect or sympathy for women, or being somewhat respectful in how you say everything, or at least funny in how over-the-top you’re being, perhaps. What Nafe Smallz says about the “slut” and “thot” that he doesn’t actually make effort to have sex with and just watches whilst smoking is frankly really revolting and upsetting, especially because it got into the UK Top 40 which really should say something about us as a music-listening public, that we let this get so high. Nafe Smallz’s meek, high-pitched, nasal voice is aggravating, so much so that M Huncho’s unintelligible murmuring in the intro might actually sound better. The beat has some infuriating bass mastering as most cheap UK rap does, and overall it sounds pretty type beat. M Huncho doesn’t necessarily sound bad here, but his Auto-Tuned flow does very little to change and makes the three-minute runtime feel exhausting. Admittedly, some of Nafe Smallz’s inflections sound pretty, and M Huncho’s stammering is lazy, evening the awfulness out between the two rappers out pretty well. Also, was there really any need for the whole theme of the song being about putting thumbs in... female posteriors? The outro is literally just “put my thumb up in her butt” repeated on loop. Yeah, no, I don’t like this. Next.

#2 – “Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick – Peaked at #30 in the US

This is the massive debut this week from pop singer Dua Lipa, one of my favourites voices in pop music right now actually, and someone who has grown on me immensely in the past year, although some of the songwriting still isn’t as strong as it should be and she still has a tendency to slip into the background of her own production. I’m hoping for that to change with her sophomore album, and this is (Probably – “Swan Song” still exists) the lead single off of that record. The cover art is going for a vaguely late-90s early 2000s look, and I’ve heard this is a more straight-forward dance-pop tune, so I’m hyped to listen to this... and yeah, as I expected, this is pretty great. Initially, I wasn’t actually impressed with the flavourless piano intro, but as soon as it kicked into full gear I knew the hype around this was worth it, because that bassline is INCREDIBLE. As someone who has recently found a lot of love for house music, this bassline is one of the best I’ve heard from the genre, and this is very much house, almost like French house to some extent, but also very nu-disco, meaning the cover art is very fitting for the era that both it and the song are attempting to replicate. Dua Lipa sounds great as she always does, going into her higher register with rhythmic, multi-tracked, almost-rapping cadences in the verse, but taking a sudden shift to a sweet diva vocal in the pre-chorus, which is beautiful, as the pianos sound good on their own, but the squealing synth comes in at the perfect time along with the hi-hats, the song is just so intricately structured... then we get the drop, which is just great, as well go back to the minimalist house beat where Dua Lipa aggressively tells off this ex who has just started putting any effort into the relationship after it ended, with sassy inflections and... random sound effects, which I’m not complaining about. The slick, disco guitar and groove in the second verse accentuates Dua’s lyrics detailing how he tried to break up with her, almost implying a manipulative or toxic relationship. The second drop is somehow more impressive than the first, with a stuttering “Don’t” hinting at the drop prior and some sampled cheering that, much like the cowbell, is a random sound effect, but adds more punch to the chorus. Once the post-chorus hit, I had to take a break from writing and genuinely calm down, I was really overwhelmed with everything happening, yet it doesn’t feel cluttered because everything comes in at the right time, sometimes when you don’t even expect it to, and the mixing is great, far from over-produced even as while it’s pure pop with a lot of manufacturing, it feels a lot more organic especially with the post-chorus, which is just gorgeous. I don’t want to even spoil it for you or myself anymore, so I think I’ll actually leave it at that. My commentary will just cheapen how brilliant this song’s climax, is, really. This is an amazing record and one of, if not my favourite song from Dua Lipa. I hope this has as much success in the US because if this doesn’t get on one of my year-end best lists for 2019 or 2020, I will be severely disappointed.

Conclusion

Well, it should be obvious, right? The Best and Worst of the Week go out pretty easily, Dua Lipa getting the Best of the Week for “Don’t Start Now”, and M Huncho and Nafe Smallz getting Worst of the Week for “Thumb” which is just gross. Honourable Mention is obviously going to AJ Tracey and Skepta for “Kiss and Tell” although Dishonourable Mention is a bit harder. I think I can’t go with the Drag Race because that would be unfair – it’s a bad song, sure, but if I understood the show more, maybe I’d see the appeal. I don’t want to step on too many toes, either. “G Love” is unremarkable, as is “Opp Thot”, so I’ll probably go with “Tell Me” by Krept & Konan featuring D-Block Europe and Ling Hussle. I hope you enjoyed reading, I’m off to listen to Pinkerton again probably, and I’ll see you next week, hopefully it’s not as busy.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20th October 2019

Top 10

For the third consecutive week, and honestly to my surprise, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at #1. While this is underwhelming usually for me in the first place since I find this song only okay, I expected another song to take that spot this week, but we’ll talk about that after this first song and its runner-up.

“Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean is up a singular spot from last week to the number-two spot.

Now for the song that I expected to debut at #1, which debuted at number-three this week: “Lights Up” by Harry Styles. It seemingly unperformed in the US too so far, debuting at only #17, but time will tell if this gradually becomes a smash or not, and I predict it very much could be. Regardless, it’s Styles’ second UK Top 40 hit and his second UK Top 10, his first since “Sign of the Times” peaked at #1 in 2017. None of the eight other charting singles from the debut album were able to make the top 40, which is surprising to me, so maybe I overestimate the former One Direction member’s star power.

At number-four, we have “Circles” by Post Malone up a single spot.

Interestingly, Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” dropped less here than it did on the Hot 100, probably because of how radio is disregarded entirely in the UK singles chart, and Travis is just picking up radio in the US. It is still down though, and despite monstrous streaming, I have qualms about the longevity of this one, down three spaces this week to number-five.

Dermot Kennedy rides his newfound success with “Outnumbered”, which is starting to grow on me, up two spots to number-six.

The biggest story this week other than the new arrivals is probably the massive 17-space increase for “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B up to number-seven. Often, we’ll see a drop larger than this, but a one-week increase being this large is seldom-seen, especially recently. Hence, the pretty awful song in my opinion becomes Sheeran’s 26th Top 10 hit in the UK, as well as Cabello’s fifth and Cardi’s fourth. Not all of the songs in the top 10 are going to be ones I tolerate, I accepted that a long time ago.

I don’t like this next song at number-eight either, however I am happy for the artist(s) behind it as I’m just glad they’re getting a lot of success, I’ve been rooting for the lead act especially, but “Be Honest” by Jorja Smith and Burna Boy is up three spots to number-eight, becoming Smith’s first ever Top 10 in the UK Singles Chart, which was a massive shock to me initially, actually. It’s Burna Boy’s second after his success with Dave’s “Location”, but he’s yet to get a solo hit to his name.

Another new top 10 hit I’m not that excited about is “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi, up seven positions to number-nine and becoming Capaldi’s fourth top 10 on the UK Singles Chart thanks to an orchestral remix, I think? I don’t care, frankly, because it’s a pretty rubbish song.

Also entering the top 10 for the first time after a few weeks on the chart up three spots to #10 is “Post Malone” by Sam Feldt featuring RANI, becoming Feldt’s second UK Top 10 and RAMI’s first. This also marks the first time maybe ever that there are two artists in the UK Singles Chart’s top 10 that do not have a Wikipedia page, those being RANI and Regard. I can’t tell if that’s impressive or kind of sad.

Edit: Nevermind, RANI has a page now.

Climbers

We have a couple solid climbers in the top half of the chart, but a disproportionately large amount of fallers to counter them. We’ll tackle those later, but the climbers include “Buss Down” by Aitch featuring ZieZie up nine spaces to #11, right next to “Professor X” by Dave from the Top Boy soundtrack up six spots to #12, as well as “God is a Dancer” by Mabel and Tiesto entering the top 20 for the first time up a shocking 22 spots to #15, nearby “Turn Me On” by Riton, Oliver Heldens and Vula also entering the top 20 for the first time up seven positions to #16 and “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi rebounding up five spots to #18. “Good as Hell” by Lizzo is up six to #22, but after that, it’s just fallers from now on.

Fallers

The quantity of these downfalls is almost ridiculous and they’re nearly all massive hits completely collapsing this week, due to streaming cuts, which could finally kick the Winter chart season into full gear, which of course is incredibly exciting. Let’s list them in reverse order (from #40 to the earliest drop), starting with “RAN$OM” by Lil Tecca and its remix featuring Juice WRLD down 26 to #40, “How Do You Sleep?” by Sam Smith down 27 to #39, “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch down 28 to #38, “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike down 23 to #32, “Playing Games” by Summer Walker featuring an extended version with Bryson Tiller down five off of the debut to #30, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey down 22 to #26, “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May down 18 to #25, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston down 17 to #23 and finally, “Liar” by Camila Cabello down seven to #21. It’s hard to tell if any of this is a net positive however, as while some of these songs are downright garbage like “RAN$OM” and “Playing Games”, or lousy like “Liar”, a lot of them are at least serviceable (“Higher Love” and “Sorry”), with a handful of them, including “Strike a Pose”, “Ladbroke Grove” and “3 Nights” actually being pretty great, but we’ll see what Winter has for us in terms of the pop charts in the coming weeks as it seems right now, we’re obliterating the Autumn and Summer hits completely.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Whilst there aren’t any returning entries, there are a few drop-outs including “Panini” by Lil Nas X featuring a remix with DaBaby out from #22, as well as premature fall-offs for “Playing for Keeps” by D-Block Europe featuring Dave from #37, “Harder” by Jax Jones featuring Bebe Rexha from #39 and “Wiley Flow” by Stormzy – seriously, really worried about that album cycle, even with “Vossi Bop” being so massive and probably the biggest or second-biggest British hit of the year. Now I guess it’s time to review the new arrivals for this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#33 – “Lose Control” – MEDUZA, Becky Hill and Goodboys

Produced by MEDUZA – Peaked at #31 in Ireland

Finally, Italian EDM duo MEDUZA are back with another single after their breakout single hit the charts hard, this one being yet another collaboration with British band Goodboys, similar to “Piece of Your Heart” which had peaked at #2 just earlier this year, meaning this is both acts’ second UK Top 40 hit, yet this time they’ve recruited singer Becky Hill (This being her eighth UK Top 40 hit), recently riding off her success “Wish You Well” with Sigala, kind of a career revival for Hill. Is the end product of this seemingly pretty fitting collaboration any good? Well, it’s a pretty slow starter, and I can’t help but think it’s a pretty cheap production job with dated, flat synths surrounded by scurrying hi-hats and... wow, that drop sounds exactly like “Piece of Your Heart”. I don’t know enough about vocals to say if that’s the same vocal melody exactly, but God it sounds like it, and it’s also performed by Goodboys, meaning it’s so blatantly a lazy move. The song itself is okay and once it gets going, it’s just a pretty generic, typical house-pop single that doesn’t bring anything fresh or even catchy like MEDUZA and Goodboys’ debut single did. There isn’t even really a proper build-up to be honest, the drop just kind of... happens. Not a fan of this, especially towards the end where it gets a bit maddening of a loop and the mixing doesn’t exactly make the chaos feel dynamic, but I can see its appeal. Next.

#19 – “Memories” – Maroon 5

Produced by Adam Levine and the Monsters and the Strangerz – Peaked at #3 in Australia and Singapore, and #12 in the US

Now, don’t get me wrong: I usually tolerate and appreciate Maroon 5 a lot more than most, but this single is boring as sin and so stripped of any remarkable features it feels like it’s beyond my criticism. Hence, let’s talk about some other songs in the top 75 that missed the mark for the UK Top 40 that are probably a lot more interesting.

First, we have “F.N.” by Lil Tjay at #69. That’s not really a bad song, but I don’t think I enjoy Tjay’s brand of painful, nasal Auto-Tune despite pretty good harmonies and that beat is still so generic and uninteresting to me. The content isn’t exactly atypical but I do like the subtle pitch-shifted vocal sample, although that intro is... confusing? I think that’s the best way to put it. The sub-bass here is killer though, by the way.

I haven’t listened to that Mark Ronson record yet because lol who cares, but “Don’t Leave Me Lonely” at #66 really lets guest artist YEBBA shine as her soulful, unique vocals sound bluesy over a pretty optimistic, vaguely tropical instrumental that I’m convinced was given to the wrong song. It sounds pretty jarring until the anthemic strings come in and it ends up just sounding like a pretty standard pop song with an above-average vocalist who deserves better. Eh.

“Sun Queen” by Gerry Cinnamon is actually a pretty cute almost country folk rock song, with a pretty jaunty guitar line I really enjoy, and some gruff vocals from Gerry that fits the alt-rock aesthetic perfectly. Not only that, but it’s pretty catchy albeit the songwriting being pretty awkward, especially in the chorus, and the mixing does feel a bit too generous towards the guitars, to say the least. That post-chorus is pretty disconnected from the rest of the song too. Otherwise, it just seems pretty decent and I appreciate the... James Dean reference, I guess? I have no idea how this charted at #64 though.

There’s a returning entry at #42 from our lads over at D-Block Europe and as you’d expect, it’s pretty awful. Over a boring guitar beat, Young Adz vocally riffs drenched in cheap Auto-Tune and reverb, with some oddly central mixing, although he has a couple funny lines and the beat isn’t that bad, just pretty dull. Dirtbike LB exists, and why the HELL is this five minutes? The chorus is so unnecessarily long for no reason.

“Memories” by Maroon 5 is not a bad pop ballad by any means, it just feels like a waste of talent, especially since it’s basically just Adam Levine singing a pretty sweet catchy pop song against keys that share their Caribbean cadence with Levine. The build-up to the non-existent drop is... unique in a way, especially with the sound effects, choir and that pretty smooth-sounding bass, and Levine’s vocalising doesn’t sound awful, especially when he’s subdued like this. The outro sounds pretty cool as well, but it’s so unremarkable I don’t feel the need to talk about it... at all, really.

#17 – “47” – Sidhu Moose Wala, MIST and Steel Banglez featuring Stefflon Don

Produced by Steel Banglez

Okay, so I feel this needs a bit of explanation. Sidhu Moose Wala is a Punjabi singer most closely associated with cinema soundtracks for Bollywood films as well as being a co-writer for a couple of related Indian singers such as “Ninja”. I know nothing about Punjabi cinema so forgive my ignorance, but we should know the other three a lot better. MIST and Stefflon Don are both British trap-rappers, the second of which a female recognised by the XXL Freshman List in 2018, the first of which is incredibly uninteresting and almost exhaustingly characterless. Steel Banglez is the producer behind many hit Afroswing-influenced hip hop out of London. I am surprised it debuted this high, though, since Walla isn’t exactly a superstar outside of India, and the three hip-hop artists are far from the biggest from the UK. Regardless, It’s MIST’s third UK Top 40 hit (I think), Steel Banglez’s third UK Top 40 hit as well, Stefflon Don’s fourth and Sidhu Moose Walla’s first ever (Congratulations), and it features all of these artists engaging in some pretty fun, cinematic trap heavily sampling and interpolating from Italian classical music, and Wala doesn’t sound bad here at all, but even if the sample knocks hard with the 808s and rattling hi-hat triplets, I can’t lie and say Wala doesn’t sound slightly awkward. MIST on the other hand is pretty natural, although he doesn’t say anything of interest. There’s a pretty sweet keyboard riff that comes up during MIST’s verse, which returns during Stefflon Don’s as well, although she does a much better job at riding the beat in a way that’s actually commanding and powerful. This song overall leaves me feeling there’s a lot of wasted potential with that fantastic sample, and definitely one of Steel Banglez’s best ever beats (Trust me, I’ve heard a lot of this man’s instrumentals), as both performances that aren’t Wala are somewhat disappointing and to be honest, surprisingly unremarkable. Speaking of which...

#3 – “Lights Up” – Harry Styles

Produced by Tyler Johnson and Kid Harpoon

I had no idea about what to expect from a Harry Styles sophomore album, I really don’t, although I did genuinely like a lot of the soft-rock and folksier angles he took to his own brand of pop music he had written for him for years in the form of One Direction, which in hindsight were probably the most inoffensive boy band I can think of off the top of my head. “Sign of the Times” is still an absolutely killer power ballad, so I had high hopes and I was surprised by the shift in sound, with a lot more focus on the pretty synths around a familiar guitar line... before it’s abruptly interrupted by a bass-heavy danceable indie pop sound that is a lot more typical of the genre nowadays. Harry Styles here has a vocal performance that feels somewhat flat, but I adore the vocoder harmonies in the chorus and pre-chorus, especially the “da-da-da-da” vocalising, that sounds fantastic. The chorus isn’t as anthemic as it intends though, mostly because of how the choir of both a choir and Harry Styles sounds pretty compressed and ugly, so it doesn’t get that rich sound that it’s going for, and I feel like that’s a missed opportunity. Also, this song is unstructured and messy as all hell, not even reaching three minutes yet feeling like a complete trainwreck throughout. Yeah, this is bad, but in an annoyingly subtle way. I don’t expect this to make my worst list, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Conclusion

Okay, I’m going to finish this really quickly, so Harry Styles gets Worst of the Week for the disappointing “Lights Up” and Best of the Week is... well... okay, so nothing here is actually good, so let’s cheat and give MEDUZA, Becky Hill and Goodboys a Dishonourable Mention for “Lose Control”. I’m going to listen to the new Kanye album, see you next week – or sooner!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29th September 2019

Revie Wing the chart s

Top 10

For a fifth consecutive week, we have Ed Sheeran taking the top spot with “Take Me Back to London” featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro, Aitch and Jaykae. It’s not a bad song but I feel only lack of competition is keeping this at the top. If the #1 wasn’t a spoiler, nothing really happened this week, it wasn’t very busy and we have like two new arrivals so apologies if this is short.

Aitch reaches the runner-up spot once again with “Taste (Make it Shake)”, up one spot this week, and to be honest I’m doubting this song’s #1 potential but time will tell.

“Higher Love” by Kygo and the late Whitney Houston is also up one spot to number-three this week.

Up one space as well this week is AJ Tracey at number-four with the surprisingly long-running hit “Ladbroke Grove”.

Arguably the biggest story here is the new Top 10 entry, “Ride It” by Regard, becoming Regard’s first ever top 10 and top five hit in the UK as it is up six positions to number-five. It’s also Jay Sean’s first top 10 hit since 2010’s wonderfully dated “2012 (It Ain’t the End)” with Nicki Minaj, and first top five since the magical “Down” featuring Lil Wayne hit #3 in 2009. It’s his fifth Top 10 and third top five overall.

Sorry by joel corry is at #6 again it has been at #6 for like 70 weeks who cares

Our second new top 10 entry is by Tones and I with the underwhelming and honestly pretty uninteresting “Dance Monkey”, up seven to #7, but regardless it’s Tones and I’s first ever UK Top 10 hit and that’s a pretty cool feat in the first place. I can see this reaching even further heights though, even if I’m not a fan of the song.

Unfortunately down a spot and seemingly on its way out from now on is Dominic Fike with “3 Nights” at number-eight.

Also down a singular position from last week is “Circles” by Post Malone at number-nine.

Finally, not moving from last week yet still rounding off the top 10 is “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch.

Climbers

Like I said when talking about “Take Me Back to London”, this isn’t a particularly exciting week, but we do have a few notable enough climbers and fallers to talk about. Our first climber is “Professor X” by Dave from Drake’s Top Boy soundtrack off of the debut, moving up five spaces to #19, becoming his ninth top 20 hit on the chart, but I doubt it’ll go any further as it really is nothing special especially compared to pretty much everything else he’s made. Also increasing off of the debut is “Wiley Flow” by Stormzy, up a whopping 15 spots to #22 despite being similarly disappointing. In fact, all of our notable climbers here are hip-hop, as “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ is also up eight spaces to #32, a new peak for the track, and that’s all we have.

Fallers

If we had a teaspoon full of climbers... we have a teaspoon full of fallers – there is the exact same amount of songs for each section. The most notable drop is indisputably the fall for Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey’s “Don’t Call Me Angel”, flopping 10 spaces from its debut at #2, now at #12, which I expected to be the case but I honestly don’t see this having a comeback or rebound anytime soon even if I like the song quite a lot. Other notable drops here include the hilariously incompetent “Nookie” by D-Block Europe featuring Lil Baby down 12 spaces off of the debut to #28, which is especially embarrassing as this was attached to an album that was released this last week. Finally, Stormzy’s odd choice of releasing a single barely more than a week after the last means “Sounds of the Skeng” has its promo push put to the side for “Wiley Flow”, as the former song si down nine spaces to #40, barely clinging onto the chart.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

The dumb UK chart rule about how one artist must have only three of their highest-performing songs charting at a time strikes again on the same album that it struck last week, but not with a back-and-forth replacement like as with Lewis Capaldi a couple weeks back instead. No, here, “Take What You Want” by Post Malone featuring Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne dropped out and was replaced with “Sunflower” with Swae Lee... from the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack, meaning a great song got replaced with another great song, albeit here it’s a co-lead song from a soundtrack with various artists, so this UK chart rule really shows how nonsensical it is briefly here. Otherwise, we have three drop-outs to accommodate for the new and returning arrivals here: “Mad Love” by Mabel dropping out from #21 thanks to what I can only assume are streaming cuts after peaking lower (At #8) than I thought it would – although that isn’t the last we see of Mabel this week, “Castles” by Freya Ridings seemingly also suffering streaming cuts with its abrupt drop from #29 and “Ritual” by Tiesto, Jonas Blue and Rita Ora dropping from #36 because nobody really cared about the song there anyway. Returning entries in the Top 40 are twofold and not just “Sunflower”, with “Location” by Dave featuring Burna Boy also making a shock return to #39. I don’t know why and to be transparent I don’t really care (By Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber) so let’s get onto the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “God is a Dancer” – Tiesto and Mabel

Produced by Tiesto and Josh Wilkinson – Peaked at #15 in Scotland

Tiesto exists. You’ve known Tiesto as he’s been here for quite a while at this point, and if you don’t know the name, you know a Tiesto song. He did one with Post Malone last year called “Jackie Chan”, and he got married just a few weeks ago on September 23rd to Annika Backes in the Utah Desert, that was a headline. Oh, and he’s also knighted! That’s something I didn’t expect. Mabel, you should also know, she’s Neneh Cherry’s daughter and an impressive pop singer in her own right. They’ve got a new house-pop single together as you’d expect, and it’s Tiesto’s 14th UK Top 40 hit, as well as Mabel’s seventh... and it’s listenable. Personally, Mabel’s vocals are way too Auto-Tuned here as she is a naturally talented singer and I don’t feel like the distortion adds anything here other than making an already obviously inorganic song even more robotic. The thudding kick drum placed with the cute synth bass that I actually quite like and cheap fake finger-snaps sound pretty disjointed despite there being some genuine groove in the production, and it’s mostly wasted potential, hurt by the non-existent lyrics but honestly it’s probably for the best that it’s a dance song, even if her “ay” inflections are pretty annoying. The background vocals in the final chorus sound pretty great but they’re drowned out by the monotonous beat and honestly, all two minutes and 48 seconds go into one ear and right into the other, until the noticeably abrupt outro. This could be better but it has nothing worth speaking about as it is – the bassline is good so maybe add some more bombastic synths over it and get Mabel to belt or at least enunciate. As for now, though, I don’t think I’ll be exchanging my rhythm for God when it comes to dancers in the foreseeable future. Sorry.

#23 – “Good as Hell” – Lizzo

Produced by Ricky Reed – Peaked at #41 in the US and #12 in Scotland

Now, this song isn’t all that great by any means and far from my favourite from Lizzo, but it is miles ahead of whatever “God is a Dancer” was, although to be fair, the two new arrivals aren’t really comparable as Tiesto and Mabel try for a funky dance-pop club hit while this is a no-holds-barred R&B and soul anthem with feisty vocals from Lizzo. This song is actually from her first major-label release, the overlooked EP Coconut Oil which featured a lot of great R&B tracks, including production from a guy called Christian Rich, whose prolific credits now seem like he is a pop songwriter creating songs for female pop stars but at the time he was producing most of the beats on Earl Sweatshirt’s Doris, which seems like a stark contrast of mood, although this song, originally recorded and released in 2016, just a year before her biggest US hit, “Truth Hurts”, was produced by her main man Ricky Reed. This track is her third UK Top 40 hit after “Juice” and “Truth Hurts”, and I’m not surprised to see that its #23 debut makes it her highest-charting song ever in the UK and I can see this taking off. It’s already being used in several advertisements so that’s got to only be a good thing. Speaking of good things, this song is pretty excellent. That piano riff sounds vintage and crisp, with bouncy 808s backing Lizzo’s sassy sing-rapping as a perfect build-up, especially in that great pre-chorus, before the bombastic release of horns and the powerhouse of a vocalist that Lizzo is throughout the entire track, as well as a choir of... several multi-tracked Lizzos from what I can tell. It isn’t as clunky lyrically or compositionally as “Truth Hurts” yet has a similar mixing issue, as it does feel a tad less dynamic than it could be, as with much of Ricky Reed productions, which usually suffer from over-compression (This one in particular feels like the last vocal track is cut short at the outro, meaning it has a really abrupt and momentum-killing outro that just sounds jarring, especially as the crisp static effect continues afterwards), but nothing is blatantly clipping here so it’s not that much of a problem. Even with everything I have to say about it, I do prefer “Juice”, “Tempo” with Missy Elliott and even deep cuts from Cuz I Love You like “Crybaby” and even “Exactly How I Feel” featuring Gucci Mane – seriously, check that one out, it’s great. Regardless, this is a pretty good song and I’m glad it debuted so high.

Conclusion

This should be evident. Lizzo takes Best of the Week home with “God as Hell”, while Mabel and Tiesto take Worst of the Week with “Good is a Dancer”, which isn’t precisely bad per se, but it just really could have been much better and less generic. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22nd September 2019

Our episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS today seems to be particularly focused on British hip hop as we have the fall-out from a busy week amongst five new arrivals, a good majority of them being from UK trap artists... as well as Ariana Grande, clearly my favourite grime MC. Without further ado, let’s review the charts.

Top 10

For a fourth week, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy, and remixed by Sir Spyro, Jaykae and Aitch, has a stronghold on the charts and honestly I haven’t bothered to listen to the song or its remix since it debuted; if it weren’t for the team-up of Ed and Stormzy this would be pretty unremarkable.

At our runner-up spot is the massive collaborative single, “Don’t Call Me Angel”, from three of 2019’s most interesting pop girls, Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey (All of which have released albums of varying quality this past year), for the soundtrack of the blockbuster reboot for Charlie’s Angels, debuting at number-two, just shy of Sheeran. Bear with me as there are a lot of arbitrary figures here: This is Grande’s 23rd UK Top 40 hit and her 15th Top 10, Cyrus’ 17th UK Top 40 hit and her fifth Top 10 as well as Lana Del Rey’s tenth UK Top 40 hit and fourth UK Top 10 hit – in fact, it’s Lana’s highest-peaking song ever, and first song to hit the Top 10 here in the UK since the remix of “Summertime Sadness” peaked at number-four in 2013. The UK loves these three, it’s a movie soundtrack single with a video, I’m not surprised it’s reached these heights of success – I’m just shocked it couldn’t hit the top spot, if I’m honest.

Now we can run through the rest of the top 10 pretty quickly: First of all, we have three consecutive songs with identical falls on this week’s chart. Down one space to number-three is “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch.

Also down a single position at number-four is “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston.

At number-five, similarly down one spot this week, is “Ladbroke Grave” by AJ Tracey.

Standing still since last week is the non-mover of “Sorry” by Joel Corry, featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May, which at this point has probably surpassed initial Love Island fame at number-six.

Also not moving this week is “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike at number-seven.

At number-eight, down three spots thanks to alleviating hype for the Hollywood’s Bleeding album with impacted last week, is “Circles” by Post Malone, although this definitely won’t be the last we see of him this week.

At number-nine, down a spot from last week yet not down soon enough, is “RAN$OM” by Lil Tecca.

Also down one position, finally, we round off the top 10 with “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch.

Climbers

There is one notable climber this week, and that is “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I up five positions to #14, very quickly gaining from its debut three weeks ago. “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy is only up three spaces so wouldn’t be all that notable if it weren’t Kennedy’s first ever entry into the Top 20 of the UK Singles Chart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to speak of here.

Fallers

This category is a lot more plentiful. In reverse order of where they stand on the chart, we have “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus making its way out down six spots to #38, “Ritual” by Tiesto, Jonas Blue and Rita Ora perhaps prematurely making an exit down eight to #36, “Buss Down” by Aitch featuring ZieZie dropping down 14 spaces off of the debut to #35, “Sounds of the Skeng” by Stormzy also taking a hit immediately after debuting high up as it’s down 11 spots to #31, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello slowly winding down five spots to #19, and finally, also down five spaces to #15, we have “Goodbyes” by Post Malone featuring Young Thug, taking less of a hit than I expected off of the album impact last week.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

First of all, we have quite a few drop-outs considering there are five new songs debuting, the highest being “Hollywood’s Bleeding” by Post Malone off of the debut at #11. This is due to an arbitrary UK chart rule that only allows three songs by one artist on the chart at one time, and these have to be the highest-performing singles, hence, since the title track got trumped by another single in terms of popularity, it’s gone and probably won’t ever for another week as the debut from Post this week is already showing more longevity. Our drop-outs here are actually mostly massive smash hits that have been losing steam for a while and have just now dropped out after weeks on weeks of high performance. The first anomaly to this rule is “Lover” by Taylor Swift, after only five weeks on the chart, dropping out from #31 but it’ll probably be back soon enough. Otherwise, we have “So High” by MIST and Fredo out from #35, “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift out from #36, “bad guy” by Billie Eilish out from #37 and “Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi out from #39... as well as “Slide Away” by Miley Cyrus off of the debut last week, not picking up any steam at all which has me worried.

Uncommon for the UK Top 40, we have two returning entries. The first is “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ as I predicted, back to #40 after a particularly busy week pushed it out off of the debut. The second is “Panini” by Lil Nas X, propelled by both a futuristic, wonderfully cheesy video set in space as well as a remix with a feature from DaBaby, which honestly adds so much to the song and with the benefit of hindsight, his verse should have been there from the beginning. There’s also an “Official” music video for the remix featuring characters from Chowder which may or may not be legal but it’s hilarious.

Oh, and I feel I should add that Hypersonic Missiles by Sam Fender, the #1 album on the UK Albums Chart this week, has three songs outside of the Top 40 similarly to Lana’s last week, with “Will We Talk” up 15 spaces to #43, the title track re-entering the chart at #48, and a debut for “The Borders” at #59. Anyways, onwards with the show.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Wiley Flow” – Stormzy

Produced by EY, AdotSkitz and Illmind

Stormzy is releasing a fourth single from the still unnamed and unannounced album, the week after “Sounds of the Skeng”, with a second throwback-type single, which has me worried for the album in all honesty as it’s looking somewhat rushed so far and I loved Gang Signs & Prayer but it did suffer some filler, which “Wiley Flow” may just be an example of. Regardless, it’s his 18th UK Top 40 hit, and don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad at all, but it does feel like a re-tread of “Vossi Bop”. It starts with a menacing synth loop that may be a sample, but it has a pitch stretch at the end of the loop which seems like a cop-out as it does not add to the beat really, it doesn’t work as hypnotic as Stormzy’s stilted flow here isn’t exactly catchy, relaxed or even smooth, relying on more typical Western trap flows while the loop cuts out for more bass-rattling trap but... the ”hook” of sorts is boring and repetitive, doesn’t end properly but sounds really off rather than effective. The second verse is slightly better, I mean—

If you ain’t got more than five top tens, then I don’t want to hear no chat about charting

Uh... Well, then. I think I’ll skip this one, I mean, this isn’t a great song but Stormzy’s still pretty intimidating, I mean, damn, I better shut up. Please don’t kill me Stor—

We here at Sudnay Salad have received a statement from cactus’ estate announcing her untimely murder at age withheld. Rumours say she was the victim of a secret hitman order placed by famous British rapper Michael Owuo Jr., more well known as Stormzy.

#24 – “Professor X” – Dave

Produced by Dave

Now, there was an album bomb of sorts this week that wasn’t Sam Fender, yet neither Fender or this bomb had any impact on the Top 40. That album bomb was for the soundtrack to gritty street drama Top Boy, rebooted and continued by Netflix... and soundtracked by Drake leeching off of British hip hop as he’s been doing for the past few years, with his only contribution being a freestyle from 2018 on Link Up TV, with a tad more reverb. It’s a lazy compilation on Drake’s part, but he didn’t choose awful rappers at all, I mean, there are songs with Fredo and Little Simz, who had an amazing album you should check out that was released this year, GREY AREA, as well as AJ Tracey, Headie One, Nafe Smallz and two songs by Dave. The Drake freestyle, “Behind Barz”, debuted second-highest at #51, Fredo’s “Freddy” debuted at #53 and since technically this isn’t a singular artist’s album, it’s not affected by the chart rule restricting the songs debuting to the three biggest, meaning “Elastic” by AJ Tracey also debuted at #63. One of two singles by Dave from the soundtrack, the other being “God’s Eye”, landed at the Top 40 despite being the seventh song on the album and having no single push whatsoever. Anyway, it’s Dave’s 13th UK Top 40, and it sure is... okay? The strummed guitar is actually pretty intimidating but the lyrics aren’t at all so that doesn’t work. The trap percussion with the intense sub-bass kicking in during the first verse as well as the sweet vocal samples and strings makes for a pretty cool beat, actually, but Dave doesn’t say much of interest or include some cool wordplay... and all of this seems more like a demo for “Streatham” from Psychodrama – the flow is exactly the same for most of it, although this is the typical “Dave flow”... but then at the end of the first verse, he has the exact same flow switch that worked so well into the bass launching in the middle of the second verse on that song, but here it just leads to a half-chorus and a brief interlude from what I’m assuming is Top Boy. It kind of cheapens “Streatham”, which is still a fantastic song, although the second verse is better and I’m not going to lie and say the hook isn’t pretty catchy. Otherwise, this is one of the worst songs I’ve heard from Dave in a while, and is relatively uninteresting in all factors.

#22 – “Take What You Want” – Post Malone featuring Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne

Produced by watt and Louis Bell – Peaked at #6 in Hungary and #8 in the US

Yeah, I did a double-take the first time I saw that listed on Spotify too. Since “Hollywood’s Bleeding” debuted last week, it has faltered in popularity, meaning arbitrary UK chart rules let this song chart, and oh, my God, I wish it charted sooner because this is easily one of the best songs on that Hollywood’s Bleeding album, right next to “Sunflower”, my personal favourite “Goodbyes” and what I think is the best deep cut, “Allergic” (Although that seems to be one of the least popular efforts from Post here). I’m not even sure what to say about it, to be honest, everything just meshes perfectly into place. This is Post Malone’s 13th UK Top 40 hit and Travis Scott’s eighth, as well as being Ozzy Osbourne’s ninth (Not counting Black Sabbath), and first UK hit since “Changes” with his daughter Kelly Osbourne hit #1 in 2001, more than 18 years ago – although in the US, Ozzy had a 20+ year lack of charting singles until “Take What You Want”. I feel I’m going to ramble on about this song but, God, it is near-perfect. It starts with a slick, processed, slightly downtuned acoustic guitar amidst creepy harmonised ad-libs from Post and Ozzy, before the sub-bass kicks in and Ozzy Osbourne sounds fantastic over looming 808s with his ominous, trembling voice, which sounds quite delicate and melodic here, a sharp contrast from the early metal sound of Black Sabbath but not unfound territory for the singer. The poetic lyrics are brutal and are a knee-jerk reaction to a break-up, where Ozzy and Post feel lost and clueless, like they’ve been sucked dry, and Post comes in with a pretty subdued flow initially, but then starts belting against a peaking mix, distorted bass and some low electric guitar (That’ll come back again, much more forward in the mix however...). Post’s warbling in the chorus arguably sounds better than Ozzy, especially when that crash of the kick drum comes in and the intensity is amped up to 100%... only for it to collapse, to make space for Travis Scott. Now, remember when I said this song was near-perfect? Well, I initially really didn’t like Travis’ verse here but it has grown on me immensely. Even if his content is nonexistent, Travis’ sour bitterness is lethal, talking about using the power given to him by his ex’s insults to make chains as well as almost threatening her at the end of the verse, saying that no matter where he goes, he’ll never be alone, but this woman is just completely isolated without him. It’s almost like he lives in some sort of primitive patriarchal society within his mind, and that’s completely fair, as not only would someone suffering from a brutal break-up be this self-indulgent but also he sounds fantastic saying it, with the distorted Auto-Tune drenched in reverb hitting in a similar way to Kanye on 808s & Heartbreak. The pre-chorus, also delivered by Travis, is just a bunch of manic thoughts vaguely resembling “rapper activities” collected into somewhat of a rhythmic pattern, and that’s how Travis feels - he is a bunch of words compiled with no rhyme or reason as he’s left fragmented and sour about the relationship. The final chorus is an awesome harmony from Ozzy and Post – they sound surprisingly great together, but slowly and slowly you hear those guitar riffs in the midst of trap percussion... which cuts out for an excellent guitar solo, with surprisingly technical skill and it works astonishingly well on the trap beat, especially when it elevates with repetitive ad-libs from both singers amplifying the chaos, just to slow down and end abruptly... much like the relationship. Funny how that works out. This is a fantastic song, everyone kills it from Post to Ozzy to Travis to uncredited producer-guitar man (that’s Andrew Watt, by the way), and that’s all I can say really.

#16 – “Nookie” – D-Block Europe featuring Lil Baby

Produced by Nathaniel London

So, funny story, I saw this song blow up in real time because for some reason “#LilBaby” was trending on Twitter in the UK and I was so confused because Lil Baby isn’t that big here. Turns out he had a feature on a D-Block Europe song... but so did Offset, and that track completely flopped so I didn’t expect this to go anywhere. Now I see the chart and it’s D-Block Europe’s fourth UK Top 40 hit and their third Top 20 hit, tied for their highest peaking song ever with “Kitchen Kings” from a couple months ago and Lil Baby’s highest-peaking song and first ever Top 20 here in the UK (“Drip Too Hard” with Gunna did chart at like #26 last year, however). I guess that’s just how awful I am at speculating. Most of the Tweets I saw with that hashtag were about how Lil Baby bodied the song and outshone Young Adz, the breakout star of the group, who ends up sharing a verse with the other member, Dirtbike LB. Dirtbike doesn’t handle the chorus or even most of his verse, so essentially this is a song by Young Adz and Lil Baby from the upcoming D-Block album PTSD and... it’s not as bad as it usually is from these guys, but that’s mostly because Lil Baby kills it here. I never liked the guy and I still don’t think I’ll like him in the future, but I have seen improvements. He tried to hold his own on “Baby” with DaBaby, had a pretty good verse on Young Thug’s “Bad Bad Bad” from So Much Fun and his verse here is not the first set of bars that I’ve heard from him I’d consider actually pretty good, although I’ll always personally prefer Gunna. Does he have interesting content in all his gunplay and shallow flexing? Not exactly, but he has some relatively funny punchlines here and there, referencing Lil Keed and mostly sticking out for how odd they are, we’ll get to funny lyrics in a second (We always do with these dudes). His flow is outstanding, especially for Lil Baby standards and picks up the pace and momentum of the song immensely, which had only been a Young Adz hook at this point, to the point where when he’s not on the song, it’s a pretty empty song, because it’s just a vaguely rural flute and guitar-lead trap beat with some ugly snares, 808s and farting synths behind a cheap trap skitter, as well as the awful Auto-Tune added to Young Adz that sounds awful as always, but Lil Baby actually has some energy for once, and the cheap, ear-ringing hi-hats being so monotonous when they rapidly skitter during his verse is pretty clever, and his climax of the verse as he slowly gets angrier would work if this was a competent beat. As for lyrics, well, sorry for expanding this song review for more it’s worth, but as with all D-Block Europe songs... we have a showcase for you.

Treat the p***y right, that’s good nookie (That’s good nookie) / Keep killers ‘round me, that’s how it should be (That’s how it should be, yea)

I think I’ve said this before but Young Adz is not very convincing when he’s talking about sex and violence because his delivery is so naive and childish... and sometimes his lyrics are too.

Should-a, would-a, could-a, [gnarly dude] just could be (Just could be)

Or they’re complete word salad. It’s always one of the two.

Yeah, you know the vibe

Not at all.

Yeah, just spoke to my Imam and he said I can get five wives

Okay, if you don’t know, an Imam is basically fulfilling the job of a Christian reverend in a mosque, and apparently the Quran accepts monogamy and polygamy. The more you know, but 1.) that could be wildly disrespectful, I wouldn’t know how to feel as a Muslim in response to that for obvious reasons and 2.) this is also wildly irrelevant.

Onto Lil Baby’s verse and honestly, his punchlines are a lot better because he just has a bunch of non-sequiturs and they seem intentionally funny rather than just missing the mark, like these lines:

Rolls Royce truck come through, that’s anus / Audemars Piguet, Rolex, both stainless

It’s almost like a comedy skit as he says something random or nonsensical then just completely switches topic to something more straightforward and this happens bar after bar.

Steering ‘round the way, I forgot that I’m famous

How? There’s one line here that is actually really clever, where he interpolates “No Guidance” by Chris Brown as if he’s going to start serenading or flowing more melodically, but then cancels himself out completely, interrupting himself so it almost sounds off-beat even, and it was pretty funny on first listen thanks to his delivery.

You got it, girl—I ain’t givin’ her my last name

Lamborghini truck, it got me speeding ‘round the fast lane / Thinking ‘bout the time I hid my bottle in the trash can

...I can’t find a single explanation for what that second line means and I love that.

I’m from South London... Hit a [gnarly dude] up, night-night, now it’s Church somethin’

You’re praying for him after you kill him, right? So you can just have a harsh rhyme with “now I’m prayin’ for him” instead of “Church somethin’”... but surely, Young Adz cares dearly about how his rhymes connect, I mean, he has an internal rhyme in the chorus rhyming “blending” with “blender”.

I’ll eat that p***y in Mayfair

To be fair, saying you’ll desecrate the most expensive property square on London Monopoly is a pretty big flex. Sigh, after re-listening to pick up these lines, the beat is just really incompetent and everything sounds so disjointed. Even Lil Baby’s verse, which I quite liked, suffers from the same issues and Lord forbid these guys have chemistry. Good Lil Baby verse, but this really isn’t worth yourtime.

#2 – “Don’t Call Me Angel” – Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey

Produced by Max Martin and Ilya – Peaked at #1 in Greece, Hungary and Scotland, and #13 in the US

Now the song that probably deserves more of my attention, the new blockbuster soundtrack single, blah-blah-blah. We went through this already in the Top 10/pre-amble, so there are no reasons to cobble on here as well, let’s get to the song and yeah, put everything else about it aside, this is a pretty decent song. The tribal yet almost melody-box sing-songy melody not having a build-up at all and instead just dropping immediately into the hard bass-heavy trap beat is a pretty good idea and I enjoy the concept of having Ariana, Miley and Lana, three powerful women in the music industry, rejecting purity and asking for men not to call them “angels”, as these are Charlie’s angels, violent, athletic spies in pretty casual clothing, baring weapons at all times; it’s actually pretty impressive how all three singers here emulate the characters from the soundtrack as you’d figure with enough starpower this would be pretty disconnected from the film. All three stick in their little niche realms as well, with Ariana cooing on the chorus with some background belting and pretty Heavenly backing (Pun very intended), as well as subdued Auto-Tuned ad-libs during her verse. You’ve got Miley rapping in a country twang and I’m not going to lie, her verse is really disjointed and could have just not been there, but I do appreciate what it adds to the aggressiveness to the song. The way the beat just drops out entirely and switches to a more atmospheric synth soundscape with a ticking EQ’d out of existence drum beat for Lana Del Rey’s passive-aggressive bridge is great, although I’d like Lana to be a bit more involved, although her sole verse and involvement is probably for the best as her lines are the most powerful and striking here, with the line “I fell from Heaven, now I’m living like a devil” particularly standing out. In conclusion, this is a pretty genuinely great collaboration from the three girls, although Miley’s contributions I’m still unsure on and I feel there’s some empty space in the verses overall, but that chorus is killer, so it’s a pretty cool song and I’m not complaining it’s this high (Even though it’s probably not for long).

Conclusion

The Best of the Week is easily going to Post Malone, Travis Scott, Ozzy Osbourne and watt for “Take What You Want” and it’s not even close, but I’ll give Honourable Mention to Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey’s “Don’t Call Me Angel”. There’s nothing that is exactly all that bad here other than the trainwreck that is D-Block Europe and Lil Baby’s “Nookie”, which makes them the recipients of Worst of the Week. I regret saying this because I do like Dave but he’s getting the Dishonourable Mention for “Professor X” and that’s all for now. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 8th September 2019

Top 10

At number-one for a second week is Ed Sheeran with “Take Me Back to London” featuring Stormzy, Aitch and Jaykae, which surprises me since it was such a race to #1 last week, where really anyone could get it, although that remix did let the song stand its ground for two weeks, which must mean something. The song’s not great though, but it’s listenable, I suppose, so I’m not complaining that this could see longevity in comparison to say, Lewis Capaldi.

What I thought would be at #1 this week is actually the runner-up spot, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston keeping pretty stable at the number-two spot. Like Mark said on Billboard BREAKDOWN, this week pre-Post Malone album bomb does not matter, so don’t expect a long or busy episode here.

Thanks to the release of Aitch’s mixtape, AitcH2O, the lead single, “Taste (Make it Shake)” is up three spaces to number-three, which is a new peak, to my dismay because this song is incredibly dull.

AJ Tracey’s “Ladbroke Grove” is up a single position to number-four this week.

This means that “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike has had a slight drop down one spot to number-five.

What I’m pretty sure is the Love Island theme song, “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May, reaches a new peak up a space to number-six.

Also reaching a new peak is unfortunately the utterly mindless garbage from Lil Tecca, “RAN$OM”, up two spaces to number-seven, probably taking a boost thanks to the debut mixtape.

Sam Smith is sticking at number-eight with “How Do You Sleep?”.

Up a single chart position to number-nine is “So High” by MIST and Fredo.

Finally, to round off the top 10, we have a new top 10 entry, which is from Young T & Bugsey with Aitch, the rising hit “Strike a Pose”, up two spaces to #10 after more than 10 weeks on the chart. It’s Aitch’s third UK Top 10 hit and Young T & Bugsey’s first to reach these heights.

Climbers

There really isn’t much here to talk about, but there are a few notable climbers and a couple more notable fallers this week, although once again it’s a slow, unimportant chart week prior to the impact of Post Malone, so first of all, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is looking to be a sleeper hit and replicate its international success up nine spaces to #31 off of the debut, similarly to the trajectory of “3 Nights” except being an exponentially worse song. Our second large increase in the ten-space boost for Sam Feldt’s “Post Malone” featuring RAMI, becoming Feldt’s second UK Top 20 entry and RAMI’s first. The third and final increase here is Headie One’s “Both” as it leaps five spaces within the top 20 to #13; I’m predicting it’ll reach the top 10 sooner than you think.

Fallers

There are more of these than I expected in all honesty but going down the list these are all pretty inevitable drops, and will probably be out of the chart next week: #1 hit “Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid tanks a whopping 16-space crash down to #19 thanks to streaming cuts, “Lover” by Taylor Swift falls flat after the album loses impact down six to #22, “I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber slowly but surely continues its eventual drop during the tail-end of its overlong chart run, down seven this week to #27, paralleling Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus also down seven to #29 as the phenomenon starts to wear off, another pair of identical drops for massive Summer hits zooming down the charts as both “bad guy” by Billie Eilish and “Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi drop six spots to #34 and #35 respectively, “The Man” by Taylor Swift collapses 15 positions off the debut to #36 and that’s all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Starting with the dropouts, we have only four here, which is still more than most weeks to be honest, as “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift drops off from the debut at #27 as expected, “Never Really Over” either suffers from streaming cuts or has just imploded on itself (Which is believable considering Katy’s track record) out from #32, “Money in the Grave” by Drake featuring Rick Ross definitely struggles from streaming cuts out from #36 and finally, D-Block Europe’s “Home” lasted a lot longer than it really had any right to, out from #39 after somehow lasting about nine weeks in the top 40.

We also have a returning entry here, which is “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift, which would have returned with an album cut if it hadn’t been less successful than “Cruel Summer”–UK chart rules mean that only three songs from one album can chart at a time. It’s back at #28, which is an oddly high return for its 11th week. Otherwise, there isn’t anything to cover other than the new arrivals, although I should comment on the album bomb outside of the UK Top 40 and instead occurring within the top 75, which honestly shocked me as I expected there would at least be some impact higher than #42 for Lana Del Rey’s #1 album, Norman Fricking Rockwell. Regardless, I feel obligated to say the Sublime cover and her biggest single in years “Doin’ Time” returned to #42, the title track is at #44 and “Frick It I Love You” debuted at #59. Now, we can move onto our three new arrivals, however...

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Lalala” – Y2K and bbno$

Produced by Y2K – Peaked at #6 in the Czech Republic and #55 in the US

I’ve already talked about this song... in-depth... in June. To put it bluntly, I’m a fan of bbno$ and felt the need to point out this song’s existence as it was gaining traction on release week as a Featured Single on the episode dated 23rd of June (Man, I haven’t done one of those in a while – although there is a new JPEGMAFIA album coming out soon...). If you’re interested more, you should probably read that, but to summarise my thoughts, this is a really fun, catchy banger that reeks of a certain smugness that should be irritating but is self-aware to the point of ridiculousness. If a song could be called “overly meta”, it’s probably this one. Bbno$’ charisma and delivery is really snot-nosed and nasal and could get annoying, since it is pretty tiresome, in fact, it’s soured on me since, but Y2K’s cheap Latin-tinged production is just as vibrant. I’m also disappointed that bbno$ does not in fact say “wristicle” in the chorus. My favourite song from bbno$ is “nursery” with Lentra, if you like this one. Sorry this is too short, but I’ve already discussed it, you can read it here. Next.

#25 – “Ride It” – Regard

Produced by Regard

...

I have never been so happy to see an absolute nobody chart with a song I’ve never heard before. Let me explain: Do you remember, no pun intended, the late 2000s and early 2010s club boom? There are a lot of fantastic songs that came out of the pop music during that time, and I’m glad there’s been some sort of revisionism of them amongst music communities because some of these are awesome and always have been. One of the most commonly brought up, most popular and definitely one of the best of these dance-pop singles is a song featuring Lil Wayne called “Down”, in which he ends his verse with this, may I add:

And honestly, I’m down like the economy

Listen, it’s one of my favourite songs of all time. I could gush on and on about how that song is near-perfect, but it’s not the time. The dude who is singing on that song isn’t a one-hit wonder like Iyaz, known for the iconic “Replay”, but “Down” hit #1 in the States and despite prolonged success in the UK ever since 2004 with R&B songs, he disappeared entirely after 2012, funnily enough after making a song with Nicki Minaj called “2012 (It Ain’t the End)”. It very much was for the dude’s career, at least in the pop climate, and the dude was talented but admittedly he could only really make one song that was even close to the heights of “Down”... and that was “Down”. Don’t get me wrong, he has a couple amazing singles but none of them pop as well. Maybe it’s J-Remy and Bobby Bass on production, maybe it’s the transcendent guest verse from Weezy, I don’t know, but even his direct follow-up, “Remember the Name”, was just “Down” but so much worse it’s nonsensical. After doing a tiny bit of research on this new single, I found out it’s not an original break-out song by an unknown singer called Regard as I thought it would be. Welcome back, Jay Sean.

The original “Ride It” is a really sweet 2008 Indian-tinged R&B tune with very Timbaland-esque production, and it’s a pretty great single, with very tribal percussion, a Kanye reference and yet somehow it’s still really smooth. It peaked at #11 in the UK and was massive in Russia for some reason. There’s also a rap verse that sounds pretty great, and is the only part in Jay Sean’s career for all I know where he sounded explicitly British to be honest, but the dude is English. The instrumental bridge between the rap verse and final chorus is ethereal, really great stuff, and Jay Sean sounds pretty fantastic on it as well. I didn’t expect the relaxed sex jam to be the EDM remix, especially since it’s nearly Autumn so there’s not as much audience for that... but it’s honestly not a bad remix at all. This is Regard’s first ever UK Top 40 hit, he’s a DJ who released a couple flop singles, and Jay Sean’s eleventh, albeit his first uncredited appearance on the chart, and it’s not a bad house remix at all, to be honest, although it is a tad generic with the typical house-pop drum pattern and drowned-out, pitch-shifted vocals against some synth loops and keys. The vocal mixing is shoddy but it is a remix of a 2008 R&B song that probably does not have an acapella vocal track out there on YouTube, it’s not going to sound perfect by any means, and hell, Jay sounds great against the bouncy 808s here, and while there is a pretty non-existent build-up, that drop, again despite being very weak, is reminiscent of a very 80s synth tone, which I like as it makes a song that would have definitely worked as a hi-NRG track back in the day sound pretty similar to how it probably would have sounded if made so. Yeah, this is pretty cool, I’m just ecstatic to see Jay Sean on the charts again. The drop also reminds me of the chorus “Only Human” by Jonas Brothers. Just a stray observation.

#11 – “Circles” – Post Malone

Produced by Frank Dukes, Louis Bell and Post Malone – Peaked at #2 in Ireland and #7 in the US

Oh, yeah, the bigger story should have been the top 20 debut for Post Malone’s new single “Circles” straight off of his third album, Hollywood’s Bleeding, but I decided to ramble on about Jay Sean. I’m honestly not particularly interested enough to write a lot about this one, and I didn’t want to spoil myself by listening to another single before the album but I have yet to hear the record in its entirety so here we are. This particular single has been quite polarising from what I can gather and apparently it’s an acoustic pop-rock jam which seems promising, although I’m not entirely sure Post can even try and hit the heights of “Goodbyes” with Young Thug – in fact, that album better be good because not only does it feature “Goodbyes” but also “Sunflower” with Swae Lee and “Wow.”, two of his best ever songs released in his career so far. It’s produced by Post and all of his right-hand men, and is his eleventh UK Top 40 hit, and, well...  it definitely isn’t awful, in fact, I do appreciate a lot of this sonically. The acoustic guitars drowned out by typical kick-heavy indie-rock percussion and wiry synths as well as Post’s really subdued vocal delivery initially that somehow peaks in the mix just as much as his more intense, reverb-heavy signature Post Malone warbling during the chorus, it doesn’t sound bad. It just feels very much out of Post’s element. He can do pop songwriting, and when it’s just bass and drum in the start of the second verse, that sounds great, but the second verse is also fitted to a trap beat the way “Better Now” is, except this song doesn’t have that heavy trap beat to elevate it, but a weaksauce indie pop beat that is compressed to hell and doesn’t sound great, especially due to really crappy mixing overall. This isn’t bad at all, but incredibly disappointing coming off of the other singles.

Conclusion

There’s not much to judge off of here and while I’d love to give the song with more novelty Best of the Week, the song really isn’t as good as “Lalala” so bbno$ and Y2K are getting Best of the Week, with Worst of the Week going to Post Malone for “Circles”, which is just a really underwhelming single. Oh, and Jay Sean of the Week goes to DJ Regard for “Ride It”, although I don’t think that title will be coming back anytime soon. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 1st September 2019

There are four new arrivals this week, evenly split into two categories: Taylor Swift and not Taylor Swift. Now, without further ado...

Top 10

One of the biggest stories this week is the new #1, because thanks to a remix by Sir Spyro, grime producer, featuring verses English rapper Jaykae and a rapper we all know too well on this show, Aitch, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy (And now I guess I’ll have to credit Jaykae and Aitch) is at #1, up 10 spaces from last week in its fourth week on the charts. Sorry to trail off into a bunch of arbitrary numbers for a second, but it’s Ed Sheeran’s eighth #1 and third from this album alone, Stormzy’s second after “Vossi Bop” this same year, and since we’ve got new remix artists, I guess I can say that this is Aitch’s second top 10 hit in the UK, his fourth top 20 and first ever #1, and also Jaykae’s first ever entry into the UK Top 40, so congratulations. I haven’t heard the remix at all, but Sir Spyro is such a great producer name, and now there is a collaboration between Ed Sheeran, Stormzy, Kenny Beats, Skrillex and Aitch that exists in the world, which is perplexing.

Up two spaces to the runner-up spot is “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston taking the video boost up to number-two, and since the remix seems to be carrying “Take Me Back to London”, I have no doubts this will hit #1 soon enough... and that’s all that’s of interest in the top 10.

“Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid is down a spot to number-three.

Also down one space is “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike at number-four.

AJ Tracey’s “Ladbroke Grove” hasn’t moved at number-five, keeping pretty steady traction.

Aitch’s “Taste (Make it Shake)” is still at number-six for no good reason.

Joel Corry’s “Sorry” with uncredited vocals from Hayley May has jumped three positions since last week to number-seven.

Also not moving at all is “How Do You Sleep?” by Sam Smith steady at number-eight.

Lil Tecca continues viral success yet still suffers a hit down two spaces to number-nine with “RAN$OM” – you’d think the mixtape release would give this some sort of a boost.

To round off our top 10 we have “So High” by MIST and Fredo down a spot at #10.

Climbers

Despite the four new arrivals, I wouldn’t say this is a busy week per se, but there is definitely some kind of shift going into the Autumn season, and we could be looking at perpetual smash hits rising up this week, like Headie One gaining his third UK top 20 hit with “Both” up four spots to #18 or “Post Malone” by Sam Feldt featuring RANI having a quick and unexpected boost up eight spots to #26, although that’s not exactly appreciated, by me at least, I think that song’s worthless. “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo is also up six positions to #31, 30 spots shy of where it landed on the US’ Hot 100 chart this week, thanks to a DaBaby remix, but I’m unsure if this’ll gain enough traction here in the UK before it fizzles out worldwide.

Fallers

After “Old Town Road” dropped off the #1 spot following its record-breaking streak in the US, anything could get the #1 spot, and I honestly feel that the same is the case with “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello collapsing due to streaming cuts down 10 spaces to #11. While I doubt “3 Nights” or “Ladbroke Grove” would have or will ever reach the top, “Higher Love” had that video and could have very much taken it, and it seems even likelier that “Beautiful People” could have just swiped the #1 back, but I guess in 2019, it all comes down to the remix. The fallers here are actually relatively plentiful, the aforementioned “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, etc. is down five spaces to #22 and I’m honestly quite shocked it’s not off the chart yet, “Motivation” by Normani is unfortunately taking a five-space hit off the debut down to #35 and “I Spy” by Krept & Konan featuring Headie One and K-Trap continues to fall off slowly down five to #37 because of how quickly the remix hype died down.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t a lot of dropouts but two out of three of these are actually very notable. While nobody should care about the premature end to the chart run of “Hate Me” by Ellie Goulding and Juice WRLD out from #39, the other dropouts are genuinely pretty important. Out from #21 is “No Guidance” by Chris Brown featuring Drake, even with a video and steady US success, probably due to streaming cuts, which took Stormzy’s “Crown” as a victim this week too, out from #27. Both of these songs peaked in the top 10, just being shy of the top five, so this shows quite an abrupt yet necessary seasonal shift. There aren’t any returning entries, well, not in the top 40 at least, so let’s talk about the elephant in the room that could be a whole lot bigger.

ALBUM BOMB: Taylor Swift – Lover

I’m honestly not shocked at the lack of impact Swift’s new album had here in comparison to the US. Thanks to chart rules, we can only have three songs from Taylor on the chart, and none of the pre-release singles could compete with the new songs, meaning we just have two new arrivals and a boost for fourth single, “Lover”, up nine spaces to #14, becoming Taylor’s fifteenth UK Top 20 single. I’m not complaining about that one, it’s a great song, despite being somewhat Christmassy. Regardless, we have two new Taylor songs to talk about, so let’s go.

#27 – “Cruel Summer” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Jack Antonoff and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #20 in Ireland and New Zealand, and #29 in the US

Our first Taylor Swift song to cover this week is one of many collaborations with Jack Antonoff off of Lover – even if you don’t recognise the name, you’ve definitely heard a song he’s contributed to, whether it be from his old band with Nate Reuss, fun. or Lorde’s Melodrama. Most recently, he’s been working on music with his band Bleachers as well as Lana Del Rey, Kevin Abstract of BROCKHAMPTON and St. Vincent, which brings us to “Cruel Summer”, Taylor Swift’s 27th UK Top 40 hit with additional writing and guitar from Annie Clark of St. Vincent. The album bored me, if I’m going to be completely honest, but there were definite gems that I appreciated throughout and don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty decent album, but a shortened runtime to mill out the filler records would have definitely helped it achieve greatness. As it is, I’m not disappointed with it and it can definitely go toe to toe with her best at its peaks. This song in particular is pretty great, with blocky 80s-esque production Antonoff is known for, which is immediately cut off by Taylor and her pitch-shifted echo. Her inflections in the pre-chorus especially have a lot of flavour, and that chorus is almost ballad-like, which is somewhat unfitting, but it soon picks up momentum with some more vibrant synths and some rattling hi-hats, admittedly buried in the pretty cloudy mix here, but oh, my god, that bridge is amazing. The combination of the quirky synths, Swift’s vocals building in intensity and, you know, actually being able to hear the percussion for the first time, is incredible, and when it stops for Taylor to just belt into the next chorus, that’s when it wins it for me. Lyrically, it depicts the uncertainty of a new relationship but how exciting that fling is, specifically in this case with Joe Alwyn, who she describes as a “bad boy”, and the music perfectly represents that with how animated Antonoff and Clark’s instrumental is, as well as Taylor herself with some pretty passionate vocal performances I honestly didn’t expect initially. I’ve been listening to the Billboard year-end list for 1984 in the past week for the sake of a Top 10 list, and this would probably fit right in, although I’d question its quality when compared to pop girls at the time like Cyndi Lauper or even Laura Branigan. Admittedly, that year-end list is male-dominated but my point stands. Oh, and this has the same title as a Kanye album from 2012. Sneaky.

#21 – “The Man” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Joel Little and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #15 in New Zealand and #23 in the US

Now this song isn’t one of the first three tracks or even a promoted single but attracted a lot of attention and some controversy for its lyrics, which I’ll only somewhat get into because I don’t get the fuss. In her 28th UK Top 40 hit, Taylor Swift “plays with the ideas of perception”, asking the listener how people would feel about her mistakes, her accomplishments and her public persona and image if she were male, and, well, she has a point, at least on the surface, because people who go through a lot of relationships like Taylor would not be clowned, they would not be mocked for that, they would be “players” as she says. There would not be a focus on her fashion in the press if she was a male, and people would comment on her “Good ideas” and “Power moves”... although I wouldn’t exactly say the debacle with Kanye and Kim Kardashian was a “Power move”. The bridge also seems iffy, commenting less on male musicians but rappers, forgetting that there are indeed so many female rappers talking about the same thing now who are all a lot bigger than they would be years ago when this song might have been written (I assume 2016), and while she has a point that even female rappers (Although this is not directly what she refers to) are seen as subservient and not “Ballers”, I’m not sure if Taylor Swift can comment on that culture, exactly, although I do admit that’s pretty accurate of a comparison. I’m not sure if the press is any kinder to mental health issues in men, either, if that’s what she’s going by when she talks about being okay when you’re “mad” – reminds me of Pitchfork’s Azealia Banks op-ed from 2017 or so. Anyways, I get her overall point – “Women are given less leeway in the industry and harsher press attention than men” - and admittedly, the line, “If I were a man, I’d be the man” is a pretty great wham line for the chorus. This song really sucks, though, there’s no atmospheric intro which works for a “Powerful” song, but Taylor Swift does not sound powerful, she sounds tired. The instrumental is similarly exhausted, with some pretty awful vocal manipulation as a “Drop”, trap percussion because it’s 2019 and some pretty cloudy synths, accentuated by some funny sound effects... I guess? Yeah, no, skip this one, whether it’s for a misguided lyrical attempt, an awful instrumental or Taylor’s odd and unfitting inflections. Honestly, I’m just surprised the song about London didn’t chart this week, featuring an Idris Elba and James Corden sample, but that’s probably a good thing.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Dance Monkey” – Tones and I

Produced by Konstantine Kersting – Peaked at #1 in Australia, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, Norway and Sweden

Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? Okay, so Tones and I is an Australian singer who immediately came to local success with her debut single and EP, but this new single became a massive European smash, and to my surprise, it’s not even really a sleeper hit; the song was released in May, which isn’t that long ago. I haven’t heard anything about the song, admittedly, but it’s gone #1 in so many countries so I guess we’re just slow to this and the US will never get this to chart because they’re repellent to anything they didn’t make that’s this big in Europe. This is obviously Tones and I’s first ever UK Top 40 hit, and, well, this song is about how musicians are “Puppets” for the industry, or at least pop musicians, and it’s not exactly subtle about that, but I’m really not sure how she’s trying to prove that point when she’s making music just as uninteresting. There’s a couple conflicting synth and piano riffs and none of them are particularly interesting or even nice-sounding, it’s just a lot of cheap presets with a couple finger-snaps and eventually a chorus of people singing back-up with strings, but for the most of the song, we’re supposed to be focused on Tones... and she sure is an interesting singer, which I’m pretty sure is the only reason this has caught on so much, since she’s the only part that stands out and it’s an acquired taste for sure, and she’s definitely putting on the voice for the sake of the music, but honestly I don’t mind it; any attempt at making this boring pop song any interesting is appreciated, and by the end, you don’t notice it that much. Still not a great song, though, it has potential and I’m interested in what she does next.

#33 – “frick, i’m lonely” – LAUV featuring Anne-Marie

Produced by LAUV – Peaked at #9 in Singapore

Do you seriously expect a pre-amble? It’s a song by LAUV and Anne-Marie made for the 13 Reasons Why soundtrack. If that doesn’t scream, “Derivative pop music in 2019 on its last legs”, then I don’t know what doesn’t, it’s LAUV’s second Top 40 hit here in the UK since “i’m so tired” with Troye Sivan and Anne-Marie’s ninth, and it’s bloody awful. It starts with an awfully mixed percussion sample that transitions immediately into a preset beat you can easily find on a school-provided keyboard, with a random kick drum and stray vocal sample. It makes  a really odd contrast between lo-fi preset beat and LAUV’s clean vocals, until the chorus which is just ugly. The actual percussion and a strong 808 comes in, and LAUV’s in his falsetto, and it sounds pathetic. What a “Chorus” that is, oh, yeah, Anne-Marie’s incoherent and barely harmonises with LAUV at all despite an obvious attempt to. Also, “It’s been me, myself and why”? What?! The bridge tries to create non-existent momentum with no groove and instead of any musical coherency, they just ad-lib for a while on dead space until the chorus comes in, and I shouldn’t care anyway, because I don’t want to hear over-processed vocals layered on top of each other to the point of ridiculousness over a beat that I can make in seven minutes or less, with obnoxious ad-libs from Anne-Marie and sickly lyrics. This is lowest common-denominator stuff and it’s not great at all, I’m starting to think “I Like Me Better” was a fluke; if you remember my best list, I really liked that song. Oh, and just when you think the song’s ended for good, you get an extra isolated LAUV vocal riff. Why?!

Conclusion

It should be pretty damn obvious what’s getting Worst of the Week; it’s going to LAUV and Anne-Marie for “frick, i’m lonely” (That is not the true title, by the way, if it wasn’t obvious), which has no redeemable qualities at all; I’m shocked this ever got out to the public. In fact, there’s not much good here at all, so Dishonourable Mention goes to both Tones and I and Taylor Swift for being both uninteresting and completely misguided in “Dance Monkey” and “The Man”. Funnily enough both songs are overly vague commentary on the music industry. Best of the Week also goes to Taylor Swift for “Cruel Summer” though, that song rocks. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

“REVIEWING” THE CHARTS: 4th August 2019

Honestly I cannot write REVIEWING THE CHARTS this week properly because there are no new arrivals in the UK Top 40, so me and my Twitter followers have come up with ideas, but honestly I kind of want a break. I’ve been doing catch-up on catch-up with albums recently and I’m already really overwhelmed with that, so... will there be any new arrivals reviewed this week? No. Will this episode take literally 10 minutes to write? Yes. Is this pre-amble longer than the episode in word count? Maybe even that, but it feels refreshing to write one of these off in less than an hour like I used to be able to in 2018, and there are a lot of projects I’m working on related to both this series and the neglected YouTube channel that is intended to accompany the cactus brand, “Kanye Best”, including a Top 5 Best and Top 5 Worst Hit Songs of 1984 – or 2004 – list, so we’ll see that down the line, but for now, listen, let me just grind this out because nothing happened really, and I just want to have a chill-down week, I’ve done a Top 20 ranking on Twitter if you’re interested for more content this week.

Top 10

Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello are spending their third non-consecutive week at #1 with “Senorita”, and there doesn’t really seem to be much competition here.

Also in the top five, because it’s the British pop charts, we have two consecutive Ed Sheeran singles, with “Beautiful People” featuring Khalid standing still at number-two.

Running up to the runner-up is “I Don’t Care” featuring Justin Bieber, but I really think this one is gone after not moving this week, it’s been here too long at number-three for chart rules not to punish it.

What I am grateful for is number-four, as up three spaces is AJ Tracey’s “Ladbroke Grove”, a fantastic song.

Not moving at number-five is “bad guy” by Billie Eilish, which surprised me, I thought it would drop off pretty quickly after the Bieber remix.

Also staying steady at number-six is Lewis Capaldi with “Hold Me While You Wait”... why?

As I expected, “Cross Me” by Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock is down three spots to number-seven, but I did expect it to drop a lot lower.

Another incredible song moving up in the top 10 this week is “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike, up six to number-eight, becoming Fike’s first top 10 here in the UK. I know we’re really late to this guy, if Australia’s reception to him is anything to consider.

MIST and Fredo’s “So High” is down a spot thanks to the climbers at number-nine.

Finally, we have a second new Top 10 entry, and it’s the first posthumous hit for Whitney Houston, remixed by Kygo, “Higher Love”, up five positions to #10, becoming Houston’s first UK Top 10 hit in more than a decade, and her 18th overall. It’s Kygo’s third, but don’t pretend you care about Kygo.

Climbers

Thanks to the video that went pretty viral, I’m having to my face my fondness for Chris Brown’s new single “No Guidance” featuring Drake once again and honestly I feel second-hand guilt for anyone who likes this song... in fact, that’s first-hand, I enjoy that track a fair bit and am not pleased to admit that. Last week’s Love Island soundtrack debut, and, yes, I’m not joking, is also a climber as “Sorry” by new DJ Joel Corry featuring Hayley May is up a pretty surprising 17 spaces to #21, barely missing the top 20, and I’m not really complaining, it’s a decent effort. Apparently it broke records for the most recognised song by Shazam ever, and that’s pretty hilarious considering that app is mostly irrelevant unless it leaks some info about some upcoming pop queen’s new era, in which case Shazam is a gift from the Gods. Also up 17 spaces is last week’s debut of “RAN$OM” by Lil Tecca... joy, yeah, apart from the coincidence that both our lowest debuts from last week have moved up 17 chart positions, there’s nothing fun about that song. Otherwise, “Ritual” by Tiesto, Jonas Blue and Rita Ora is up 12 spaces to #26 (although that doesn’t exactly match up, I’m trusting the BBC on this), and “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo is up five to #34.

Fallers

We have a few consecutive five-space-fallers here at #37 and #38, “I Spy” by Krept & Konan, Headie One and K-Trap, and “Summer Days” by Martin Garrix, Macklemore and Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy respectively. I was thinking of how the Top 40 presentation on BBC Radio One and how it would flip from a pretty innocuous edited version of “Summer Days”, which is a nice, summery EDM tune no one could really get all too offended by unless they REALLY hate Macklemore (I don’t blame them if so), to a hard-hitting trap song that hits you several times in the CHORUS, with an intimidating voice commanding you to, “Suck your mother”. I’m sure that’ll appeal to all audiences. Apart from that, there’s nothing really worth talking about here. “Home” by D-Block Europe is down six spots to #31, “Crown” by Stormzy crashes down six positions to #19 (Not looking good for that upcoming album, but with how massive “Vossi Bop” was I’m sure nobody’s worried about this), and that’s all we have here that’s all that notable.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Looking at what’s outside the Top 40, I swear the Official Charts Company manipulated the data purely out of spite for me criticising their format, leaving me with no songs to review and Christmas hits to fall back on, because there are new songs by Taylor Swift at #43, Drake at #42 and Liam Gallagher at #49, yet none of them could have crossed over? Instead of any of those songs, which, you know, would be interesting to talk about, “Bounce Back” by Little Mix returns for another underwhelming performance week at #39? Sure! There’s not even more than one drop-out to talk about here, we’ve only got “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi out from #30 and that’s definitely the recurrent streaming cuts rule – and it’s not like this was a boring, slow week. If I only talked about #41-60, which is half as many songs as I usually talk about, I would have seven new songs to talk about, well, perhaps six since I’ve already discussed “Lalala” (charting at #50 this week) by bbno$ and Y2K as a Featured Single – man, maybe I should bring that back – but still, that’s more than what I’m left with this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#000 – “N/A” – Official Charts Company featuring the BBC

Produced by blasted buffoons and wacky wombats – Peaked at #1 in Abyssinia

Conclusion

Okay, so, I was debating on what to do for this section, but I think I’m just going to rate the new arrivals outside of the Top 40. Best of the Week would probably go to “Lalala” by bbno$ and Y2K to be honest, but Taylor Swift would be following closely with “The Archer” as an Honourable Mention. Worst of the Week would go to “Harder” by Jax Jones and Bebe Rexha for just being boring, and I might not have had a Dishonourable Mention in place of a tied Honourable Mention for the sake of memery, as I’d give that Sam Feldt song called “Post Malone” a joke placement here at least. It’s pretty sad I can predict my own jokes before I make them. Anyway, the fact, I’ve written an episode this long with no songs to review has honestly kind of impressed me, so follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week, where hopefully we’ll have any songs to talk about.