#(and all the scripts that i've made at work are just adaptations of my gif automation process... so if

[endless-ineffabilities]

chemical override (6)

Ewan Mitchell x actress!reader

a/n: I hope you all have found ways to cope after the breakup, but here all your questions will be answered on what went down pre-August! Special shoutout to @just-fics-station @thepurplecrown @clarkysblog @hotdismylife and @sprinklesprinkle888 for sharing your ideas and indulging me with the lovely, crazy discourse!

To everyone, I am so chuffed at how this has become OUR story - our lil self-indulgent Ewan Nation production. You all are aces <3

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In the aftermath of the breakup, the reader and Ewan throw themselves into their work, trying (and failing) to avoid any trace of the other. Will they remain this way - former lovers doomed to drift in each other's orbit?

Some time before August

New York City

The lush office was laden with expensive wooden antiques, one side with built-in shelves displaying film awards and plaques of varying degrees of prestige. A full glass minibar occupied the other side.

The casting director introduced himself as Bruce, insisting that Ewan call him by his first name and not any of that "sir or similar stick-up-the-ass names". Ewan can see him as a mentor or maybe even a friend, Bruce insisted.

After all, they were going to help each other out a lot.

The discussion was straightforward enough, never mind the saccharine tone Bruce seemed to be so good at. Aimed at making Ewan feel welcome, coddling him, remarking with awe at his projects thus far. But there was a fakeness to it. Ewan steeled himself, trying to adapt to the style of conversation. After all, if he is in this for the long haul, then he would have to get used to these situations.

Bruce appraised him, leaning back on his leather swivel chair. "How are you with the fantasy genre? All that YA, lovesick stuff the kids eat up so eagerly nowadays? Personally, I haven't got the taste for it, but it always makes bank, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, well, I'm a fan of all movies. I definitely see why the fantasy genre has made such an impact on audiences, especially with the romance element, you know, I get the appeal."

"Well, son, we've got a solid franchise in our hands here. Some adaptation of an elf-human love story, mind you, it sound ridiculous, but you know how it is. And the team seems to be in agreement - you fit the bill for the male lead. The male elf lead - " he almost guffawed at the thought, then collected himself " - hope you don't mind my saying that you've got elvish features yourself. Long nose, long jaw, lanky. The teens are going to eat you up."

"Ah," Ewan smiled curtly, nodding. There was a backhanded compliment if he ever heard one. "Well, sir, I've read the script - at least, the bit that was sent to me - and it looks quite promising. I'd be honoured to - "

"Of course, of course!" Bruce exclaimed in pleasure, cutting Ewan off mid-sentence. "And there's the case of your leading lady, and this all boils down to chemistry as you know. Our top contender is that Jenna Ortega girl from the Netflix show, you know her?"

Ewan nodded, well aware. He's seen her work, and thinks that she is a top actress of her generation, but leave it to Bruce to reduce her to being that girl from the Netflix show.

"Yes, she's a very talented actress," Ewan replied.

Bruce hums in agreement, head bobbing as a smirk materialises on his face. "Think she's a looker?" he said openly, without shame.

Ewan laughed nervously, his words caught in his throat.

Bruce, characteriscally oblivious to the discomfort of others, carried on. "I only ask because we're going to need you two to be pretty chummy with each other when you jump on this project. It's kind of a condition of the whole thing, but really nothing to concern yourself with." He waved a hand in the air, his proposition barely carrying any weight in his mind. But Ewan was catching on, and he started to develop a dislike about the whole deal.

"What do you mean?" Ewan asked.

"It's pretty common in this business, son. There's a reason why young, new actors like yourself opt to remain unattached so to speak, so they're always open to a PR arrangement or, you know, just so their - your - hoards of fans would think they got a chance with you," Bruce explains lazily. "In this case, since you and Ortega are, as I said, unattached, getting you two together would fuckin' do wonders for our movie."

Our movie, he said, convinced that Ewan was all in, because why would any young actor refuse such a golden opportunity? Franchises like this can set up an entire mainstream Hollywood career.

Ewan thought that he wasn't unattached. Granted, his date with you was yet to happen, but he already felt bound to you. He wished you were the one tapped to be his love interest. Very little acting would be needed there. Maybe he might even be inclined to go along with the idea of selling the relationship, using it for publicity for the film, but even that made him uneasy.

The industry offered a lot of privileges, but more often than not, they come at a cost.

"Sir, I - "

"Bruce."

"Right, sorry. Bruce, I have to tell you that I'm not exactly unattached."

"Got a partner?"

Ewan actually found himself smiling at the thought of you being called his partner. His first easy smile since entering this office. "Yes, she's an actress herself," he agreed.

"I heard of her?" Bruce asked with obvious disinterest. You were but a wedge in his flawless plan.

"She's kind of a new talent like me, but she's brilliant. She plays Alyna Rivers in our show."

"Ah her," Bruce loosened up a little. "I get it, she's a piece."

Ewan cleared his throat loudly, his jaw clenching on instinct. "So, like I said, I'm with her. I'm sorry but this whole PR arrangement with Jenna wouldn't work."

"Look, kid, I want my movie to do well, alright? I got a lot invested here. This PR thing has proven to be highly bankable time and time again. If you don't trust me, I can ask the team to show you the data on all that. It's a lot of boring numbers, but shit, the numbers are never wrong."

"I don't need to see - "

"If you wanna be with your girl, you can, but you just gotta learn to hide it. Sweep it under the rug, you know. Don't canoodle in public, you crazy kids," Bruce offered, like that made things any better.

"You want me to hide my relationship?"

"Hey, now, come on. Word gets around. Isn't your girl also doing this exact same thing with Jacob Elordi?"

"Not anymore, I don't think," Ewan clarifies, "and that was... that was hardly anything. They weren't obligated to do it. It just worked by chance because they were both single for a time."

"Po-ta-to, po-tah-to." Bruce clicked his tongue before making his next point. "So you see how it works, your thing with Ortega won't be any different."

"Do I have a choice?" There it is, the defining factor.

Bruce smiled slowly. The calculating and menacing air about him intensified, and it was obvious he was not there to be Ewan's friend.

"It would be stupid to refuse something like this, kid."

Ewan's blue eyes flashed in return. None of this was ideal, but his nan raised him well, and he knew better than to falter on his values in times of trial.

"Sir, what's stupid is if you ask me to hide my real relationship for the sake of mere publicity for a film."

"Stupid you say?" Bruce sneered, having already discarded Ewan in his mind, his fragile ego bruised. "What a shame."

There wasn't much to say after that. Bruce was clearly not disinclined to reveal the ice that settled in his veins, and it dawned on Ewan that it had always been the case. There was no true hospitality here.

For bigwig casting director-slash-execs like Bruce, this was a transaction. And Ewan was not about to put what he has, or what he could have, with you on the line.

There has to be another way to advance his career. If not bigger productions, then at least those with less domineering producers.

"That is a shame," Ewan said, getting up from his seat. "I won't waste any more of your time, sir. Thank you for considering me."

Bruce's eyes darkened even further. "You're actually refusing me? For some girl?"

Another genuine smile formed on Ewan's face at the thought of you. Some girl.

But you're not just some girl. He nodded without a trace of doubt in his mind, before reaching out to shake Bruce's hand. "If you don't mind, sir... I have to go and see my darling."

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Near the end of August

Los Angeles

The modern space sported a minimalist yet rustic feel, the interiors a blend of sterile white and sleek wooden surfaces. Very LA, as they say. The windowed walls offered plenty of light, as well as precious views of the valley below.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Donna," you greeted Ewan's publicist as she ushered you in her LA office.

"No problem at all, sweetheart," she said. "Please, have a seat. Would you like some coffee or tea? Ewan always has his coffee with way, way too much sugar. Mind you, if that kid wasn't active and boxing all the time, I'd be worried for his health."

You smiled fondly at her genuine concern. "Don't even mention the cigarettes."

"Oh, yeah," she scoffed, settling down on the chair across from you. She could have sat down at her desk, making the meeting more official, but Donna's always had a friendly and open way about her. "So, my sweet, how's your new movie coming up?"

You respond eagerly. The dialogue flowed freely, talking about your film and the lukewarm reception of season 2 of House of The Dragon. And finally, Ewan.

"I really thought he would get the Greta Gerwig film," you said. "Everyone said he was perfect for it. I think Greta herself had nothing but praises for him when they met on Zoom."

She sighed thoughtfully, "I thought so too. And, theoretically, he did have that one almost booked up. But there was an issue with one of the producers, which - I don't even want to get into that."

You shook your head, catching on whom she hinted at. "Donna, I heard... well, it didn't go too well in New York, didn't it? Ewan told me about it but... if you can tell me more, I just want to understand why - "

"Sweetheart," she offered a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes, "you should talk about this with Ewan."

"I tried. But he wouldn't budge. Mallory told me... that it might have been because of me that he didn't get the role? And also why he's struggling to get roles now? Donna, I... I can't have that."

It took some time for her to formulate a response. She didn't want to step in something that's none of her business. Your relationship with Ewan is yours. But when his career is on the line, she supposed that she needed to have some say in that.

"He met with this top producer in New York. This real old money Hollywood guy. For decades, he's built careers for the greats, you know - Pitt, DiCaprio, Theron, and whatnot. There was a franchise project practically offered to him on a plate, but Ewan refused, because a non-negotiable was that he would have to hide you in favour of a PR arrangement with his leading lady."

You swallowed, the weight of the truth making itself clear. "Couldn't he have just done the movie without that?"

"You would think," she grimaced, "but some producers... when they want something, they have to get it. And well, Bruce wasn't lying, that would have sold the movie well."

"I thought we were past this," you expressed sadly. "I understand how PR relationships work. Just recently, I found myself kind of in the middle of one. But there was no pressure, it wasn't forced on us, and it was meant to be all in good fun."

"I know, sweetheart," she insisted, reaching out to squeeze your hand. "Bruce is an outlier now. Most of the time you do get lucky, with an all-around supportive production team, just like with your project with Elordi."

You hummed in agreement on that positive note, but your mind kept drifting back to Ewan.

Donna continued, wrapping up her story, "but Bruce is still here, and he still has a lot of power. But you know, it'll be fine. Ewan's got such a huge fanbase and so much talent that it'll only be a matter of time before something else knocks on his door."

You wanted to share her sense of optimism, but something ate at you. What else will Ewan have to sacrifice just to be with you? This was his dream, his one dream, and you were standing in the way. How much longer before he is offered another project but he refuses to take it for your sake? Your thoughts blurred together, bordering on irrational, but you couldn't help it.

All you could picture was the unabashed sincerity on his face, that sense of wonder, when he told you that acting had always been his dream.

Being tied down to you, this early in his career, would surely only hurt him. And you don't think you're worth it.

"Ewan loves you, sweetheart. Anyone with eyes can see that," Donna said after a while, heeding the storm brewing in your expression.

He loves you. It was true.

Less than a month in, and you've already found yourself with a love that you've never felt before. And perhaps never will again.

And that was the problem.

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Late September

The podcast moderators are overly welcoming, if not a little loud for Ewan's taste.

The BBC podcast is called Loose Ends, and it's one of the first things Ewan agreed to take on upon returning to England.

He had wanted to head straight home to Derby, to bury himself in his heartache and bitterness, but the team for the show tapped him for a couple more promotional stints, riding on the high of the season finale. And who better than Ewan to offer to the media, the undeniable fan favourite.

Clad in an old gray shirt and blue jeans, people would think he just rolled right out of bed. He didn't really have the motivation to put in more effort. The only striking thing about him is his newly bleached head of hair, supervised by his stylist for a photoshoot a few days ago.

It was ironic, the timing of such a change. Ewan knew that if word got out that you dumped him, he would never hear the end of the joke of that being the reason for his hairstyle change, typical of all heartbroken sods.

Everyone bursts into laughter when he tells them about his mum's reaction to his nude scene. It feels like going through the motions, and he must have been so out of it, so forlorn, that his team prepared an outline for him prior to the interview. The questions and answers all pre-agreed.

Make them laugh. React as required. Remember to speak when spoken to. The mantra goes on in his head.

And don't think about her.

An impossible task, worsened when a moderator goes off script and asks, "Now it wasn't me who saw this, as I'm not on social media myself, but one of our interns did mention that you ventured into Instagram recently? Is that true?"

Oh fuck.

"Mmm, yeah, I guess," Ewan laughs nervously, his hand massaging the back of his neck in a self-soothing motion.

"And your first post went viral? What can you tell us about that? Our listeners would love to know."

"Uhhhm - " He remembers that the broadcast is live, and he can't exactly ask them to edit this part out, so he quickly settles for something indirect. Inconclusive. Safe. " - did it go viral? I'm not too sure how that thing works. I haven't used any kind of social media before."

"Apparently it did! And it had to do with the subject featured in that photo, Ewan. Your costar - "

"Mmm," Ewan stops him there, "didn't you say that you don't use Instagram?"

"No, I think I'm too old!" The moderator laughs.

"It's insane, that whole thing," Ewan shakes his head. "I don't know how to handle it. I'm logged off most of the time."

"Oh, you log off?"

"Yeah, yeah, helps me keep my focus, you know. Keep calm and all that."

"It can get frivolous, can't it?"

Ewan hums in agreement, and thankfully, the moderator moves on to his last question. One that does not breach the subject of you.

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Another day means yet another media stint for Ewan, this time for Now TV.

Still in London, his stylist Davey and the rest of the team prepare him for a day of brief interview clips, to be posted on the social media pages of the company.

Davey had half-joked about Ewan needing even more concealer than usual, the shadows under his eyes having significantly deepened after the breakup.

Some of his team have gotten wind of what happened. They would curiously ask about you, how often Ewan keeps in touch with you while you're on set...

You must be on FaceTime everyday!

Is it hard to be doing long-distance so soon?

Do you miss her? Is that why you're not getting any rest?

...but Ewan would only laugh uncomfortably, dismiss it by bringing up another topic or shifting the attention to someone else, or excuse himself to go for a smoke.

He'd been drowning himself in cigarettes and caffeine during the day, pint after pint in the nighttime. Aimless.

He is coping. He knows how it must look, but he deserves this. He deserves to drift for a while. It's the only thing he can do to keep himself from jumping on the next flight to Atlanta and begging for your hand back.

You said you love him. You did. He hangs on to it like a beacon in a storm. No matter how pointless it may seem, with you choosing someone else over him.

Work is becoming something of an anchor, something that keeps him from spiralling. He's an actor, and he has always wanted to be an actor. People now have expectations of him, and he will answer the call.

The interview session begins with generic questioning, stuff he's answered before on several occasions.

How special is the bond between dragon and rider?

What is a funny moment from set that you can share?

How similar are Aemond and Daemon?

All safe. He's proud of himself for not breaking mental clarity thus far. You're in the back of his mind, dormant as a memory, and not something looming darkly over him. For a while, at least.

But then he is asked, If you could invite any 5 people to a Ewan Mitchell dinner party, who would you pick?

"Matthew McConaughey - "

You.

" - Bruce Lee. I think they could strike up an interesting conversation - "

Your name echoes in his mind, and he can't control it.

" - Andrea Riseborough. She's just a chameleon, like in any role she undertakes -

You have great taste. Even if you would make him eat spicy food again, he'll take it. He'll endure anything for you.

He's stumped for a second, lump in his throat, and his effort in avoiding you leads him to mention someone who will always be a comfort to him.

" - Maybe my nan, because I miss her -

Your name. He has to say your name. Who else? Think of someone else.. but who else? Who would be better?

" - and then, another person. Let's make it from the show... it would be Alyna Rivers."

"Oh really?" The interviewer asks. She's not really meant to respond in this instance, but she knows that the fans would go crazy about any mention of you or your character, so why not jump on this opportunity? "Can you tell us why you chose her?"

"Uhhm, well, she's just an amazing character, you know, fiercely loyal, beautiful, tenacious," Ewan replies easily, "so yeah, she would make for good company."

It is obvious that he is describing you just as much as he does Alyna Rivers, and no doubt, the fans will catch on to this detail.

Later, he's asked about his favourite part about season two, and he duly answers, "Seeing more of Aemond and Vhagar's bond and how that perhaps have gotten stronger. Aemond has definitely reined her in, after the accident at Storm's End."

Then, "There are some new additions to the show. Do you have a particular favourite?"

Another obvious piece of bait. And he takes it, he doesn't care anymore. What's the use of denying the truth?

"A favourite new character? Oh, well, uhmm... I really do like Alyna, and I think I've said before that Aemond and her are quite similar in a sense that they both know what they want and how to achieve it. It's just a shame they're on opposing sides, because if those two get together... " he trails off, leaving it up to the audiences to fill in the rest of the thought.

And they eagerly do. The clips where Ewan mentions Alyna get the most traction, flooded with comments that more or less talk of the same thing -

We know why you chose Alyna, Ewan. We know your ways.

He could have said Alys. Or Gwayne. Or even the ghost of Daeron ffs. But nooooo.... it's Alyna Alyna Alyna 😮‍💨

I wonder if she's there behind the scenes

yeah shes definitely lurking in the background!

Aemond and Alyna better have at least a scene together in season 3!!!!!

Someone kidnap Ryan Condal and make him write this

Ewan doesn't see any of it. Not that he's missing out, because he soon feels the need to call his younger cousin to ask her how to turn off his notifications on Instagram.

Day in and day out, his one single post gets dozens of new comments and likes, a brutal reminder of what he's lost. He could just delete it, and get rid of his profile entirely, but he hates to imagine the discourse that would follow.

All the invasive allegations and rumours. So he leaves it be. It makes no difference to him now. Let people believe what they want.

To his chagrin, he finds himself scrolling on his home page once in a while. The addictive element to it was true, and for him, it's exacerbated because the things he sees are often related to you.

Photos of you from fanpages and news accounts. Ones where your friends have tagged you. It's a toxic habit, looking through it all, but he can't help himself.

Then one day, as he's slouched on the seat in his London apartment, phone propped on his knees, he sees a cutout photo of his face on the corner of the screen. He clicks on it, and it's an image of him interposed among different posts. Posts which he apparently liked.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he cusses at himself, reading the caption.

Boyfriend lurking? - Ewan Mitchell may play a formidable TV villain, but in real life, he's just like us. Click on the link in bio to see his series of liked posts!

Dread takes root in him, followed by self-loathing. Why couldn't he just keep off this bloody thing? He takes to the comments to see what he has allegedly liked on accident and it's predictably photos of you - you at a premiere, stills of you as Alyna, and even, heavens fucking forbid, a behind the scenes shot of you getting pretty close with Jacob Elordi on the set of your film.

He vividly remembers seeing that last one, because he went on a bender after coming across it.

Cursing himself and his wayward, sticky fingers, he exits the app and deletes it from his phone.

Whatever goes on there, whatever people might leave on his profile, he washes his hands of it.

He calls up several of his mates, asking them if they want to come over for a few drinks.

"Again, Ewan?" one of them exclaims. "C'mon, you gotta take a breather, mate."

"I don't need a breather." I need her.

"Ewan - "

His composure breaks, all his damned frustrations rising to the surface, and he confesses, "I wonder if she thinks about me."

"Hang in there, mate. We're coming over."

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October

The director finally yells a satisfied, "Cut!"

It's only taken a good twenty-something takes for you and Jacob to nail a challenging scene. You had been on a roll since the beginning of the shoot, the last few weeks seemingly a breeze on paper, though it's a constant struggle to keep it together.

You've had to quell your internal dialogue so it does not stray to him. His smile. The feel of his skin against yours. His way of subtly picking up on details, and doing sweet things that surprise you as a result.

But you received word just before the scene that a few of your friends have come to visit, waiting back at your trailer - Phia, Fabien and his girlfriend, Bella.

And so, as if on instinct, Ewan is all you can focus on, every repressed memory of him rushing in like a tidal wave.

Do they know? What could you possibly say to justify what you did? You can only hope he took on that project, to give you a bitter sense of vindication.

It's the only thing that keeps it all the bay, the only thing that keeps you from jumping on the next flight to England and grovelling at his door.

Phia has her arms wrapped around you the moment you open the door to your trailer, loudly squealing, "I missed you!"

You sink into the hug, comforted by her presence.

As well as the fact that she represents some connection to Ewan.

Phia, Helaena. Helaena, Aemond. Aemond, Ewan.

It's a sick game to play, but it's what you have.

"Hey, yous," you hug Fabien and Bella in turn. Not long after, you're all lounging on director's chairs right outside your trailer, enjoying a bit of sun.

"How's our big Hollywood star?" Phia quips, her lips curling in her trademark pleasant upturn.

"Hardly a star," you shake your head fondly. "More of an indie darling."

"Of course, of course," she relents, before going on a monologue about how she's been keeping tabs on your project, how she just adores the costume designer whom she spoke to at length while you were working, and how the rest of the cast is rooting for you.

The rest of the cast.

"Ah, are they?" you ask, making a conscious effort to not simply blurt out his name. What does he think? Has he mentioned you at all?

Do they know?

Do they secretly hate you for what you did?

"Mhmm, right Fabs?" she says.

"Oh, definitely." Fabien agrees right away.

"How's your film? Are you done shooting in Philly?" you ask him.

"Just about done, but I think we're doing some final reshoots next week. I'm just glad my girl's here to visit," he slings an arm around Bella, who smiles and leans closer to him.

You smile at the sight, but it visibly falters. Ewan could be visiting you on set right now, just like Bella with Fabien, if you hadn't fucked it all up.

They notice.

"Love," Phia sighs, her tone softening. "I just want you know - we want you know - we're here for you, okay? No matter what you went through with... " A pause. Like saying his name would open up the floodgates.

Your gaze falls to your lap in shame. You pick on invisible lint on your trousers. Bite your lip. Breathe deeply.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"So you guys know, huh?"

"Well, more or less," Phia says. "I just spoke with... Ewan... recently. He's back in Derby for the time being, and he's - "

"He's a bit rough," Fabien says firmly. He's not taking sides here, but he's heard from Ewan, and he feels the need to have his mate's back. "Look, I don't want to pry, but what happened? It seemed like you guys were doing so well together!"

"You don't have to tell us," Phia adds, shooting Fabien a look. "But if you want to, we're here to listen. We love you both and we just want to help, love."

You feel your eyes welling up. Leave it to Phia to be oh so sweet. You can't lie to them, you don't want to. Even if you did, they would see right through it.

Your friends know you too well.

"I... I miss him."

Phia squeezes your hand, and the whole story is about to spill out of you when you hear your name being called.

It's your assistant Clara, letting you know you're needed back on set.

You swallow back tears, standing on your feet, trying to maintain enough composure so you can grant yourself access back to your character.

"Go do your thing, superstar," Phia smiles comfortingly. "We'll be here when you're ready."

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November

"I'd like to propose a toast," Tom declares out loud in the empty pub, "to Ewan, Hollywood's new elf... Lord? Prince? Ah sod it, cheers!"

Round the table, Ewan, Fabien, Luke and Elliott all raise their pints with a collective, "Hear, hear!"

The pub has been cleared out for the lads, thanks to a favour called in by the twins, with the owner being their gym buddy and good friend.

"Thank you," Ewan replies, smirking. "I am your new elf prince, address me as such."

"Your ears have never been pointier, mate," Luke quips.

After a month of moping back home in Derby, or recovering as Ewan prefers to put it, he got a call from his manager telling him that the offer from Bruce still stands.

Apparently, the production team for the movie still had him tapped as the prime choice for the lead. After observing his audience metrics and overall viability, they decided that the movie would fare the best with him in it.

They had planted some half-baked announcements in the media, stating that it was Ewan against Joseph Quinn and Manny Jacinto for the role, and the fan reaction veered in Ewan's favour by a landslide.

Even though Bruce had an unsavoury word or two to say about him, he was willing to work past it, so long as Ewan would be more amenable to his demands.

After careful deliberation, Ewan chose to throw caution to the wind, and accept the role. So what if he has to pretend to have a real-life romance with Jenna? This is what you wanted.

"I'm glad you finally came out to see us, mate," Fabien says. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, fuck's sake. Remind us never to break your heart! That was tough to witness, you hunkerin' down out there all mopey and whatnot," Elliott laughs.

"Mmm." Ewan takes a swig of his beer to hide the wince he couldn't hold back. His friends, and most of the cast know by now, not in too much detail, of what went down between the two of you.

A typical short-lived romance of two actors. A summer fling. Most of them would look back and only see it as that.

Even though it was so much more. Even though Ewan still recalls how warm and soft and beautiful you felt as you whimpered underneath him, the loss of you as painful as getting hit by a freight train.

The liquor helps. Burying himself in work helps. Denial... well, that certainly helps the most.

When he goes out to the back garden for a smoke break with Fabien, he tricks himself into believing it's mere curiosity that compels him to say, "Phia mentioned that you guys went to Atlanta."

Fabien is rendered off guard, because he knows what's coming. "Yeah, we did. Bella came with us too. She was visiting me on set," he says, measuredly.

"Mmm." A long drag, a flick of ash towards the ground, an unaffected shrug - and eventually, with as impassive of a tone as he can muster, Ewan asks, "So how is she?"

Fabien smiles knowingly. "She's doing great. Her film's looking pretty good." He's privy to the truth, after he and Phia managed to gently coax it out of you over several martinis at a hotel bar in Atlanta. But he doesn't think it up to him to reveal that to Ewan, out of respect for your privacy.

While he might not share your sentiment, he thinks it's not in his place to tell Ewan that you basically lied for his sake.

But that doesn't mean he won't drop a helpful nugget or two.

"You know, I don't exactly know what's going on... but her and Jacob came across as nothing more than friends."

Ewan's hand freezes mid-air, the cigarette inches from his lips. He loathes the sense of hope that immediately bloomed in his chest. He's so bloody easy. One miniscule hint, and his delusions break through the wall of indifference he worked so hard to build.

"She said she has feelings for him," Ewan stresses, trying to convince himself. What was the fucking point of all this... this pain... if you never did?

"Hey, mate, I dunno," Fabien puts his hands up, "just telling you what I saw."

"It doesn't matter." It does. "She ended it." He wants you back, he will always want you back. "It's better this way."

"Is it?"

Ewan doesn't answer. He doesn't know how to, without grossly embellishing the truth.

Fabien watches his friend, sensing his hesitation as he averts his gaze. One thing becomes clear to him - you and Ewan are far from being over.

So he says, "She misses you, you know."

Ewan regards him with a stony look, one that slowly softens to reveal the broken boy inside. For but a moment, before he clears his throat and throws the butt of his cigarette on the ground.

"Let's head back inside."

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

December

You're back in London, as production for your film is paused for the upcoming holiday season.

Work is supposed to be the last thing on your mind, but it just so happens that your manager has you booked for a chemistry read for a yet undisclosed film.

Phia came over to your apartment, insisting that she help you get ready. When you asked how she found out about your audition, she was quick to say that she was up for the role as well but didn't think it was right for her.

"Why not?" you ask, as she hovers over you, patting blush on the apples of your cheeks.

"Oh, you just get a feel for these things."

"Phi, it's just a chemistry read," you say, when she reaches for the mascara. "I don't need to get all dolled up for this."

She gasps, "Oh, but this is showbiz, darling. We always have to put a face on."

"Fine," you relent. "Do your worst."

The makeup she ends up doing on you is minimal, but it enhances your features just the right amount. You rush through your final preparations, folding up the script sample you were given and stuffing it in your purse.

Phia stands out on your balcony, in the middle of a call. The window screen is slightly open, so you hear snippets of the conversation as you walk by.

"Is he ready?" she asks. Who's he? You assume it's the guy you are doing the read with.

You don't know about him, but you are ready, so you stick your head out to say, "I gotta go, Phi."

"Oh!" She startles a little, angling her phone away. "Already?"

"Yeah, the read's at 4, I believe. Just lock the door when you leave, 'kay?"

She hurriedly whispers something to her phone, presumably ending her call. "I'll actually head out with you," she grins. "My work here is done anyway."

"Any plans for the night?"

She shrugs, "Might meet with Tom and Martha."

"Oh, why don't I meet you guys after my thing?"

"Uhhhm," she chews on her lip, thinking. Under her breath, you barely hear her mumble, "... hoping you'd be busy."

"What?" A restrained chuckle escapes you, confused as to why she's being so coy.

"Nothing," she tilts her head. "We can meet if you'd like."

The weird exchange is out of your mind when you arrive at the casting agency. You run the scene through in your head as you walk in the building, up the elevator, down the long hallway.

It's a heartfelt scene, if not a little tense, a dialogue between reunited ex-lovers.

Your manager Polina and publicist Mallory greet you at the doors, swiftly briefing you before directing you in.

"They're waiting, just walk right in, doll," Polina says.

"Okay, wish me luck!" You have your hand on the door handle when Mallory strangely remarks, "Don't hate us, sweetheart!"

"Why would I - "

"Go, go," Polina guides you in, then shuts the door behind you.

The office sports an spacious and open layout, with plenty of natural light streaming through large windows. The primary workstation is partially hidden behind a subtle partition. You see silhouettes of a few people behind it, so you walk down that way.

The figures reveal themselves soon enough - the casting agents you recognise as Patrick and Amie, sitting in front of the actor you're meant to read with.

A range of emotion washes over you, but you don't even have time to reckon with them. The casting agents divert your attention from Ewan, as they approach you with wide smiles in greeting.

"So nice to finally meet you!" Amie croons. "Take a seat. You two already know each other, of course. Between us, there won't really be a question of chemistry here."

"Right?" Patrick adds, looking between you and Ewan. "The fans sure think so, and we have to say we already agree."

"So just give us a minute to set up," Amie says. "Then we'll start."

You smile stiffly, settling down on the opposite end of the couch. You keep your gaze straight, trying to keep your attention on Patrick as he sets up the camera. Your heartbeat races the entire time, and you feel your hands getting clammy.

"They're all in on it," you hear Ewan say, prompting you to finally look at him directly. You take him in hungrily, admiring his outline, ever so handsome with his Targaryen-blonde hair and black leather jacket.

A weak "Mmm?" is all you can muster.

"Our teams, Tom, Phia... they set us up. Tom came over and I overheard him on the phone with Phia."

"Oh," you mumble. He doesn't even spare you a glance, leaning on the armrest on his side of the couch. He looks as if he'd rather be anywhere but here, next to you, and it hurts.

It's what you deserve.

"Is this not a real chemistry read?" you ask meekly.

"I suppose it is," he laughs humourlessly, "but it's not a coincidence that you and I just happen to be the only ones scheduled for today." He turns to you, giving you a critical sideways glance. "Didn't see that coming, did you?"

"I... I can leave if you want - "

"Mmm," his brows furrow, "you do seem to be good at that."

You look away. He is not being fair, but you weren't neither, that wretched night back in September.

And he is making you pay for it now.

But then you hear him speak in a softer tone, "Stay."

Stay. When you look at him once more, his attention is entirely on you, arm outstretched on the couch like he just tried to reach for you but decided against it.

Stay, he asked. So you do.

It's what you should have done, months ago.

"Okay, guys. Whenever you're ready," Amie says. She and Patrick take their seats in front of you, with the camera on a stand between them.

The script crinkles on your lap as you hold it with shaky fingers. "It's been a while," you read out your opening line.

The dialogue plays out twisted and ironic, now that you know who your scene partner is.

"Hardly," Ewan responds in character. "I feel like no time as passed."

"Feels like a lifetime."

He pauses, then sighs, "Do you even miss me?"

"How... how can you even ask me that?"

"How can I - "

"Why didn't you... why didn't you fight for me?" your voice breaks, the lines hitting a bit too close to home.

"You're a fucking hypocrite," he spits with venom. "You weren't exactly giving me anything to fight for."

"I did it for us. I did it all for us." If you didn't feel like crying at the weight of the scene, you would have rolled your eyes at the similarities.

"Like I said - nothing to fight for."

"Nothing? So you're telling me I was nothing to you."

"No," he levels you with an icy look, "you were everything to me. Everything. But you left me behind, and for what? So you can run off with the rebel sect?"

"The mission needed me. You wouldn't understand." You feel a sense of relief when the sci-fi elements roll in, otherwise you might have given in to your emotions and sobbed right there on the damn couch.

"I needed you," Ewan says, eyes not leaving yours. "I needed you and you abandoned me, just like that."

"And are you not better for it? When I left, did they not make you General?"

"See, that is the difference between you and I," he says coldly. "I wouldn't have traded what we had for anything - no position, no amount of wealth, no glory... I would have chosen us every time."

"Aaand cut!" Patrick jokes, effectively breaking the tension.

The two of you have unconsciously drifted closer, now only a foot part. Ewan does not drop your gaze, watching you closely. You see his eyes flit down to your parted lips, and he leans in almost imperceptibly.

"Alright, how about we go one more time?" Amie says, diverting your attention. "Give us a different take, and then that's it!"

Ewan settles back on his end of the couch. When he reads his lines again, his tone is harsher and he no longer meets your eyes.

Patrick and Amie commend you both afterward, singing praises about your acting abilities. Ewan is polite as always, blushing and grateful, but he practically dashes out of the door when the meeting finishes.

You're left standing with Amie, as Patrick has taken to his laptop to file the footage.

"The way he looks at you," she sighs dreamily, referring to Ewan. "You'd think the sun shone out your arse, doll."

"He... he was just in character," you disagree. "He's a good actor, as you know."

"Yeah, I mean, he nailed the part's rancour perfectly. But his eyes - oof - you've got a good one there."

Oh. Of course they would still assume you and him are together.

How desperately you want it to be true.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

An hour later, you've just sent Phia a text saying - You owe me. Where do I meet you guys?

But you hear a knock on your apartment door. If you didn't buzz anyone in, it can only be a neighbour or someone the doorman recognised.

Someone familiar to you.

And it's him.

"Ewan?"

"I need to speak with you."

You step aside so he doesn't linger at your doorway. He walks past you, a welcome if not unexpected presence in the room.

You can't decipher his expression, his gaze angled downward as he leans against your kitchen counter.

When the silence becomes almost deafening, you laugh awkwardly, about to make some silly remark on whether he is still in character. But he doesn't let you diffuse the tension.

"I want you," he blurts out without warning. "God help me, I still want you. I think I might have a fucking problem because how can I... after what you did - " A momentary glance of betrayal, but you see the spite clear in his eyes. " - but I do. I can't get you out of my system."

"I'm sorry - "

"I don't need that," he says sharply. "I don't need your sorry. I need you. I need to have you, and maybe this way, I'll satisfy whatever pointless desire I still have in me."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying - I'm asking - will you let me have you?"

"Ewan, I don't under - "

"I'm saying that we should sleep together," he says bluntly, and it feels like the rug has been pulled from under your feet, "but only just. You won't be mine, and I won't be yours."

"You're kidding."

He shakes his head, before adding, "Don't worry. It'll be our little secret. To the rest of the world, I'll have a different girlfriend anyway."

His words register, along with the bitter ache at his words, that you won't be his, he won't be yours. This is purely for pleasure. There used to be love here, and now he just craves the comfort your body allows.

You'll be using each other.

You should refuse. This is not healthy; this is not how you move on. Can you even go back to being good friends after this? But also - what have you got to lose?

What, except for him, and for good this time?

What, except everything?

"So what do you say - " He closes in on you, and with every bit of malice intended, the name no longer possessing the sweetness it once held, he sneers, "- darling?"

💌 next chapter

Taglist: @namelesslosers @skymoonandstardust @valyrianflower @luckyfirebasement @omgsuperstarg @elissanatok @callsignwidow @sinistersnakey49 @darkwriteracademia @yyrzmomo @queenofshinigamis @luvaerina @shamelessblazecrown @mirandastuckinthe80s @elleinex0x0 @pierrotlu @aegonswife @strangersunghoon @lunampacheco @writer-ann-artist @gaiaea @of-swords-and-words @ateliefloresdaprimavera @m00n5t0n3 @helaenaluvr @peachysunrize @annie-ruk @luvly-writer @ananas26t @athenafaes @lovelyteenagebeard @mamawiggers1980 @moongirl27 @katherine93 @barnes70stark @justbelljust @cloudroomblog @somestufftoday @esposadomd @girl-in-the-chairs-void @insideyourimagination @vyctorya @wildrangers @livcookesgf @onlyrealjoy (continued ... )

Some notes in the margins...

Well well well... the transition from friends to lovers to strangers to angsty FWBs sure is a slippery slope!

The time jumps are so we get through the moping quicker! It's mostly back to the regular shenanigans in the next part. Only, you know, angst-ridden. But you hurt Ewan, reader. *wags finger* Don't say you didn't expect this switch! Tsktsk

So what now - will you accept this arrangement? Will things ever be truly okay? Part 7 is going to be hot and hilarious and stupid and messy, just as the doctor ordered.

Let's hash it out in the comments, shall we? 🗡💕

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

Rose Recaps 2024 - Korea [ Thailand | Japan ]

Starting my list of favourite shows with Korea. They gave us so much angst, and some of them I still haven't fully been able to shake. Let's go.

The one with the existential dread

Love For Love's Sake

I was not ready. Not that I think there was a way I would be, but still. I was floored. It was an ambitious concept but executed pretty much flawlessly. If they had a bit more time, I think the world building could've benefited a little, cause there were parts that felt a bit rushed but overall the themes were well conveyed throughout. This show can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and one can take from it different things. For so much of this show I was filled with anxiety and sadness, but by the end the overall message of self love healed a small part of me. The visuals were strong and the actors did a wonderful job.

Favourite Moment:

Obvious perhaps, but no one can deny the beauty of this moment. Just the pure relief and joy I felt, made it one of my favourites of the year.

The one with all the yearning

The Time of Fever

I was so normal about this show. First let me just say, that I don't think of this show as a prequel. I know it is one, but I prefer to think of it as its own thing. This show drove me crazy. I suffered through it twice, and I kept finding new things that drove me insane. The yearning, the pining, the love these two have for each other that can only be rivalled by the fear they both share. Hotae is afraid of his feelings, because he can't understand them or can't accept them, but he also can't resist the pull. Donghee is afraid because he does understand, but he also knows what it means, so he needs to protect his friend from all the ugliness he himself has endured. And the actors just portrait these emotions so well. Truly some of the best acting I've seen this year. The camera work is outstanding, the framing always intentional and the lighting is good enough to break your heart.

Favourite Moment:

The heater between them??? Incredible. I'm still in awe of this whole scene. From the feeding of the orange slice to the kiss itself and their body language right to their expressions at the end. It was a flawless scene.

The one with all the trauma

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo

Every week I was filled with excitement and dread waiting for new episodes. It was a painful journey for them and for me. Such a raw depiction of how trauma follows you long after you left the place where you endured it behind you. Closure is such an overused word, because it always sounds like there's a switch you can flip, and you're fine. Like it's that simple. The way Dohoe carried all of the abuse with him, how he shaped his life around it unconsciously, all along believing he was healing himself, it was heartbreaking to watch. And JuYeong. The boy who waited. The boy who understood and gave him the space to heal. Time stopped for 12 years for both of them. But they have a lifetime left to heal together and find happiness in the simple act of loving and being loved by each other.

Favourite Moment:

The symbolism destroyed me. The cross, the wall, the confession. Masterful.

The one that wasn't like the others

Love In The Big City

I don't even know what to say any more. It was an amazing adaption. Stellar acting, great script, gorgeous visuals. It's messy and it all feels so real. Young is one of my favourite characters of all time, both the one from the book and the one from the series. I wanted to hug him and hit him over the head at several points. I did appreciate the bigger presence of the T-aras, it left me more hopeful than the novel. I'm still not over the break up though.

Favourite Moment:

The honesty, the unconditional acceptance. To watch Young experience it for the first time was overwhelming.

Honourable mention to Boys Be Brave that I adored. And the only reason is not in this list is because of the second couple. They needed more time, and even with the time they had I thought the writing of that storyline was a bit messy. But I loved the mains.

Be back soon with the next one. Maybe💜

[into-september]

WE HAVE A TRAILER

...

It seems my earlier bitching about the language decisions might've been... somewhat unwarranted by the possibility that the good bear named himself, since he speaks like a Northerner and only the weirder corners of Finnmark would say "hvit". I'm being very generous here since this trailer has the heroine utter the line "I can call you Kvitebjørn", but you know. At least it's how he would say it.

We might be dealing with the Norwegian equal to colour-blond casting, which is dialect-blind dubbing. Which you know, works in film set in most contemporary settings but is just weird in anything claiming depict some historical setting.

I never saw "Wish" but this song has both the MC change her sound patterns for a rhyme and relies on her Northern phonology for a different one (the only thing that would've made that better was if Mimmi Tamba IRL was the kind of northerner who says "nu"). It is a profoundly weird listening experience, and while I unfortunately can't find out if Dear Grandpa and Mum are also linguistic northerners from what's up on YT, I do note that the local flora, fauna and every other character except one with lines in the songs I've heard speak Standard Eastern. Why does MC have a different dialect? She's a third generation immigrant at earliest and those normally do not adapt their grandparents' variety of the language rather than the majority one.

Both films, from what little I've heard, also display the sad, sad tendency of writing a script in Bokmål, telling the actors to perform it in dialect, and then either not correcting them or not letting them use their natural syntax which creates an unfortunate uncanny valley effect because all of us know that no northerner would ever utter the sentence "mitt egentlige navn".

The other Maja Lunde filmatisation this Christmas allegedly struggles with the same, albeit the variety "child speaking like a nineteen fifties novel". (and its anonymous setting being very obviously filmed in very emblematically northern Tromsø while its inhabitants sound like this is somewhere generically around Oslo)

And while I am absolute 120% NOT complaining about Odd Nordstoga getting to write his BGM songs in Nynorsk, it contributes all the more to the linguistic anarchy since the trailer at least has a narrator speaking what I expect is Bokmål.

Anyway: I heard one of the songs on the radio and while I sadly realised what I heard only towards the end it was RAD and yes I will forgive this film anything for the music alone

[koyangii]

2023 - The year of Japanese BLs (My 2023 BL wrapped)

After plenty of good BL releases in 2022, I was hoping 2023 would keep the pace and give us even better content. However, I turned out to be very disappointed. In my opinion, the majority of the shows were blank, superficial and had really bad script and bad acting, so there were very few of them I've managed to finish, mostly Japanese ones.

One thing that really draws me towards Japanese productions is that the stories are believable and portrayed in a natural way. Even when the acting has big "anime" reactions, they usually fit in the context. Kieta Hatsukoi, for instance, explores this type of reactions very well and they don't feel cringe at all, unlike most Thai BLs and some Korean ones as well.

Nationalities apart, there's an obvious gold rush that is happening in the BL industry. A lot of companies realized that BL does make profit and are producing a lot of shows, poorly written, poorly casted, but that's ok since people are still consuming for the skinship, right? There's a public for that, so why invest in good, but a little more expensive stories?

Anyway, this is my opinion of course, as a regular consumer of the genre, and I can't help to be disappointed. But enough of the complaining, right? Let's go to the list of my 2023 favorites!

Top 3:

The eight sense

This BL has entered my list of all-time favorites. Fresh and mature, the chemistry between the leads is amazing. Jihyun's innocent approach to life contrasts really well with Jaewon's harsh perspective and I love the way both of them bond while helping each other to evolve. The feeling of the show reminds me a bit of Skam, another all-time favorite, and I found out that it really was one of the materials they used for inspiration. If you haven't watched it yet, stop everything you're doing and go watch The eighth sense right now.

2. If it's with you

I loved this show so much! The manga adaptation was beautifully done, they really paid attention to the details. It's a very sweet, heart-warming and honest story. There's no "instant love”: the relationship between them is built little by little, through sincere conversations and empathy. The series invites you to be more honest with yourself and to not be afraid of showing your true self. 

3. My Beautiful Man 2 and My Beautiful Man: Eternal

Well, it's somehow funny that I put this BL on the list, because I hated the first season of My Beautiful Man. However, the second season and the movie explore the motives behind the characters' actions in a deeper way, so the viewer can better understand the relationship dynamic. One thing that I really like about this story is that, although there is a worship behavior from Hira towards Kiyoi, Hira's life is not all about Kiyoi. In the same way, despite the fact that Kiyoi enjoys to be worshiped, he's also unsure about Hira's feelings: does Hira love the perfect, godlike image of Kiyoi he created inside his head or does he love the true Kiyoi, the human being with flaws?

Honorable mentions:

Our Dining Table

A great slow-burn which approaches the fact that true family is the one you choose, so sweet that almost made me die of too much cuteness.

I Can't Reach You

A very sweet friends-to-lovers story, which is now on Netflix!

Love Tractor

A fresh and funny countryside love story. I just love how Yechan is so hyped when it comes to Seonyul. This man must be kept in a jar, protected from all the badness in the world.

Conclusion

Well, although I believe 2023 wasn't the best year for BLs, it did give us some true gems, more productions and more visibility. I've seen news about Kdrama actors working on BL projects that will be released in 2024, so I guess we're having some next-level good content this year.

So that was it for this BL wrapped. I hope you all had great holidays and that 2024 will be full of blessings to all of us! Bye, bye!

[popculturebuffet]

Batmarch Finale: Batman (1989) Review: At Long Last Joker Dancing on Parade Float

Hello all you happy batpeople and it's time for the finale of Batmarch! It's been a fun ride that really made me love the character again and it ends here with something i've been wanting to do since the start of this blog: IT's time to talk about Tim Burton's Batman, the 1989 classic blockbuster that created the first superhero movie boom, solidified the caped crusader as a dark brooding vigilante in the public eye, and gave us not one but two iconic scenes of joker dancing to prince music that live rent free in my head forevermore.

Batman took almost a decade to get going, with Producer Micheal Uslan, a comic book historian who taught a succesful course on comics as literature, wanting to take batman back to his earlier days as a mysterious figure of darkness. His timing was great as by the late 70's when he started his crusade for the caped crusader, Batman had been on a course back to those very roots thanks to the works of Neil Adams and Denny O'Neil. Comic fans ate up a darker batman and Batman returned to being a creature of the night.

The problem was for most audiences.. he was a creature of camp. While I adore the Adam West Batman, i'm honestly shocked i've only covered ONE episode of that gloriously goofy series, it left a mark on the character, with everyone assuming "Well that's what batman is". It's a common trait in comic book adaptations: TV and Movies reach a wide audience. It's why most people think Scott Summers is a plank of wood instead of a tatctical genius with a lot of baggage.

Thus studios either flat out rejected them or wanted a comedy in the vein of the adam wast show. Or rejected it for reasons like "It would be called Batman and Robin and we just had a film with robin in the name tha tbombed" or "It and Annie are both "from the funnie" pages and Annie just bombed (yet did INCREDIBLY well on home video)"

Thankfully the film got rescued as, with John "Giant Mechanical Spider Peters" getting on board, he suggested they do what they did with superman: promote the hell out of the film and the script they had and hope someone buys into the hype. Sure enough it worked as Warner Bros picked up the film and to my suprise they already owned DC Comics, the rights simply got sold off for the reasons film rights to properties often do

So Warner was eager to get the property back in house and profit off it.

With that it was time for a full script by Tom Mankiewicz who based it largely on Steve Englehart and Marshall Rogers short but memorable run on Detective Comics I wasn't aware of till doing research for this review, but now happily own. Rogers was even brought on to do concept art. The script went through NINE revisions according to wikipedia, but all were based largely on tom's original. Directing wise Joe Dante and Wes Craven were both considered and i'd loved to see what their version of the film would've been like. Ivan Reitman also was, but wanted a comedy starring billl murray with the studio eyeing eddie murphy for robin.

Thankfully the success of Pee Wee's Big Adventure lead Warner Bros to go with their new golden boy, who was just coming off production of another soon to be hit, Beetlejuice, Tim Burton, pictured here looking like Batman's goth best friend he takes in the batmobile to get him out of the house.

I'd pay so much to see that version of this movie.

Burton wasn't a comic fan , but upon getting the project was a fan of recent hits The Dark Knight Returns and The Killing Joke, and was fascinated with what batman could be. Meanwhile Warner brought in Englehart himself to make a draft. Burton then brought in Sam Hamm, a rookie screenwriter and HUGE fan of the character who quickly proved to be the perfect fit, tightening up the screenplay: he removed Robin (something no one was sad about as he was a studio mandate), replaced Silver St Cloud (Bruce's love intrest during the Englehart Run) and Rupert Throne with Vicki Vale and Carl Grissom and the script was set.

So casting began. After a number of more traditional leads were considered, Burton went with Micheal Keaton at the suggestion of Peters, who felt Keaton has the tortured quality batman needed. It was a great call as he fit both sides: he was stoic and comanding as batman, but as bruce was perfectly absentminded, as if he was far away, yet still charastmatic and likeable. It was a good contrast and also made it easy to see why no one suspect this guy was batman.

Unfortuantely the fans.. were not pleased. Yes even then peopl ewere liable to throw hands over casting decisions before seeing them proper. I've not been imune to this: I liked Ben Affleck but wasn't sure he fit batman, only to be proven wrong when he was easily one of the saving graces of Batman V Superman and it's regretful he couldn't be batman in a better movie.

Fans worried that Keaton , who up to this point had mostly been in comedies, meant the film would be camp like the tv series and film again, to the point this MADE HEADLINES. The studio even breifly considered reasting, but burton held firm.

If your curious other actors considered were Pierce Brosnan (who had no intrest in doing a comic book movie), Mel Gibson (dodged a bullet there), Kevin Costner, Charlie Sheen (Another bullet dodged, too much tiger blood to be a bat man), Tom Selleck, Harrison Ford and Dennis Quaid. None of these really.. feel right, and it's burton's first choice before realizing Keaton was it , the green goblin himself Willam Dafoe, that woul'dve worked with what he was going for. None of these actors are bad, even sheen and gibson are good actors just..awful human beings, they just don't fit the part. Sheen in paticular feels like the worst timeline and I pity the earth that got saddled with frat bro batman.

Naturally every hero needs a good villian and while another row of talent was considered, the studio and Peters heavily pushed for Jack Nicholson over other competiors such as Brad Douriff, Tim Curry, and David Bowie, all versions of this film i'd LOVE to see in some other timeline. That said Nichelson was the perfect choice.

How they finally nailed him down is my faviorite story I found from the documentary: So Nicholson was open to it, liking the part but to lock it down wanted them to meet him for horseback riding. Burton , nature's perfect indoor kid, was naturally deeply uncomfortable on a horse and i'd pay good money to get the picture they claimed existed of Tim Burton on a horse with Jack Nicholson. I find it fascinating in of itself that Jack Nicholson rides horses and has a deep love of horses. That's a thing that fits, but just never occured to me. The most uncomfortbale horse ride ever netted him the part and Nicholson trusted burton completely on set and spoke highly of him in the documentary.

The final main cast addition came due to , of all the possile reasons, a horse riding accident. No it wasn't tim burton himself, but Sean Young, who'd been cast as Bruce's reporter love intrest Vicky Vale and had to bow out, replaced by Kim Bassinger.

Rounding out the cast we have Robert Whul as local reporter and only one digging into this batman case Knox, Cool School owner and operator Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent, Pat Hingle as Comissioner Gordon, acting legend Jack Palance as crime boss and the joker's boss Carl Grissom, and Tracey Walter as Joker's NUMBER. ONE. GUY. Bob.

Promotion for the film was something unique. Nowadays we're used to big, omnipresent ad blitzes with our blockbusters, a huge swath of adds to let you know THIS FILM'S A COMIN. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THIS FILM. I DON'T CARE IF YOUR AMBVILENT ABOUT ARTHUR AND THE KING YOU WILL GET 20 ADDS FOR IT JACOB. THE HYPE MACHINE HATH SPOKEN.

To start Jon Peters helped cut a teaser trailer, wanting to get SOMETHING out to show that no, this wasn't going to be like the Adam West show stop calling me about it dennis. The trailer was only a minute and a half, had no music behind it, something I only found out, and is clearly just whatever clips they had that were ready. You can find it here. It's throughly intresting.

It also.. works. While it's only a short teaser, it gets across what this film is, shows both joker and batman enough to get hyped, all while not spoiling the film. Granted they probably didn't have enough footage yet TO do that but still, it's a well done teaser with only one or two bits feeling like their just.. thrown in there and given the time crunch to get this in front of a teast audence, I can salute that it's still works.

And it worked MASSIVELY. People bought tickets JUST to see this teaser, bootlegs of it sold like hot cakes. It was meant to get people hyped up for what this film actually was.. and it DID, erasing doubts Keaton wasn't batman and showing people just what they were getting.

Warner then went all in promoting the hell out of this film, to the point Marvel's she hulk did a parody of this where a new super heroine does a simliar add blitz: There was cereal, tiger games, merchandising of all kinds. It was a huge gamble as if the film failed to live up to the hype... it'd be a joke NOTHING could live down, would sink the careers of everyone involved from production on down, and possibly destroy warner.

Naturally though.. it didn't. The gamble paid off. It's almost like if you actually RELEASE a film and have faith in the creators, you'll make money. The film was a massive success leading to three more films in this series and a mind boggling 11 theatrical and 60+ total films JUST starring the batman. That's not getting into team movies.

So join me under the cut as we see if , after 35 years of excellence, this film still lives up to the hype in a genre now packed with classics.

Bat Class and Bat Style:

Starting out with the style of the film, it can't be overstated the sheer impact this film had on Gotham city as a place. Before this it was mostly a standard city, just more of a crime hole than most. It was weird reading some of that very Steve Englehart run I mentioned and seeing Gotham. .as a pretty standard metropolis, if not obviously THE metropolis.

Batman is where , to my shock, Gotham was first portrayed as this art deco 40's style hellscape, a city of old buildings with the crime built into it's very foundations: a city of frequent nights, heavy shadows and plenty of places for an up and coming here ot perch and brood. It's an atmosphere that almost feels consuming: you can't escape gotham and it won't let you. It's a monster as much of a city. Batman the Animated series would build on this, making this what gotham was: a city with it's dark history seeped into it's stone that feels massive and endless, like no matter how much batman does the city is almost too big for him to ever fully save.

The rest of the style is after the 40's, a nice nod to batman premiering JUST before they started in 1939. We have large flashes on the cameras, reporters in suits the like.

I also realized this wasn't just a cool style choice, it's a thematic one: Most of Gotham wears these types of clothes, fitting with how Gotham is: a city with a long proud history.. but one it finds itself stuck in. A lot of those men in suits are either helpless goverment types who WANT to make things better but can only do so much like Gordon or Dent, or outright corrupt men like the various mob bosses who control it from the shadow. Even Knox , who tries to go for the scoop, is stuck in the old behaviors of sexisim, hitting on his photographer and creative partner vicki a lot nad being a possesive dick about her romance when it's none of his damn buinsess.

The people who may actually change this city are the ones who come off more with the time: Bruce most of the time wears looser suits or , in one scene casual clothes. The one time he dosen't is to fit in at his own party, to blend in so well Knox and Vale don't even notice he was behind them for a whole scene. When he's himself he's awkward, but also kind and charming. When he's his truest self batman he's calm, intmidating and of course dressed in a lot of rubber. He dosen't fit with Gotham.. but by doing so he can change it for the better.

Vicki is diffrent, fitting in a bit better but her hair and styles tend more toward practical, often wearing her glasses which look neat. Wish I had a pair like that. She brushes off Knox's comments, dosen't want anyone taking ownership of her and rightly calls bruce out for ghosting her (Granted he's also right ot try and get her to stop for one minute so he can tell her she's batman). She's trying to change it more by simply finding the batman, but it's still someone diffrent.

Finally we have the Joker, who stylistically dosen't deviate greately as jack.. but once he becomes something else, he changes. he wears the suit sure... but it's a bright purple with a giant boutiner. He wears makeup, but it's barely covering and by the time of the art heist there more for a joke than actual cover. His attempts to fit in are really more a joke than an actual attempt. Napier never really fit in... he simply stopped putting on the pretense once he became the joker.

Joker's moderness also comes through in othe rways; his biggest scheme heavily involves the rise of cosmetics and the television, using his then modern Smilex adds to stow paranoia. He vandalizes classic art for funsies to a dope prince song. And for his final masterstroke he captalizes on the greedhead nature of the 80's: he correctly figures if you throw enough money at people they'll forgive anything, and throws a ton of money into the crowd in the film's best scene, capering and hamming it up as he prepares to kill them all by luring them into one place. It's telling that the only two places in the film itself Prince's songs show up are with the Joker, who embodies the excess of the 80's while still having his classic 40's born design.

And since we're talking about him...

The Devil in the Pale Moon Light

Nicholson's joker is fantastic. I wasn't big on him for a long time.. but I realized on rewatch it wasn't the performance. Nicholson fucking nails it, having that manic energy hid with a genial calm that makes a good joker to me, that sort of charisma where you geninely can't tell if you'll end the scene as his NUMBER. ONE. GUY. or with a bullet in the belly. He's hammy as hell when he wants to be, deathly calm when he wants to be, and the only one who truly understands himself always.

Nicholson's joker strikes me as a mad Performanceartist, an interpretation I like: his jokes are carefully crafted pieces always done for a terrified audience of some kind. Only one of his kills or crimes post putting a smile on that face dosen't have an audience, Grissom, and he STILL puts on a show for him, shooting him to opera music while giggling like a mad man. Every other crime is a big show, which isn't inconsitant for joker. Every joker has theater kid tendencies, this joker is just the one who has the most thespian energy.

His schemes are also fantastic, props to Burton and the writers: their the right mix of operartic performance art and ghastly crime. From defacing a museum for the attention, to the utterly brillaint smilex ad which parodies the hell out of 80's ad trends and is one of the best joker scenes in media, perfectly capturing his sort of scheme, this versions love of a good performance, and the time it was in. The poor editing and his "Chances are you already own some" and the laugh after.. it's genius. Every piece is great. I also love the pen stabbing which I didn't really pay much attention to before but the mimes, the awesome as hell outfit, the "Uncle bingo" line.. it's so damn fun and the mundanety of the stabbing, feather quill or not makes it a shocker

The two best though are the ones embeded on my mind from childhood to present day: THe art scene is awesome and I love the way he says lawrence, with him just getting into general dicking around shenanigans because it's fun, saving a picture because it's horrifying. I also love his dickish "date" with vicky where he just calls all her glamour photo's crap. You can tell Jack Nicholson is loving EVERY second of this. Granted who wouldn't love grooving to Party Man, which is a truly awesome song. Prince didn't half ass it for this album and while his inclusion is a clear studio mandate Tim Burton didn't seem enthused about in the documentary, Burton still made it work perfectly. It's really hard to not make prince work granted, but it's still flawlessly used.

My faviorite scene of the film though... is Trust aka "Jack nicholson fucking destroys while riding on a blimp" Those hand moves, his expressions, bob and lawrence's grins as they throw money, the banger that is Trust behind him. While Partyman is good and really fits Joker, Trust is a fun banger jam that fits the party atmosphere of Joker's final gambit. The sight of joker throwing money everywhere while mugging is just.. peak joker and one of the best moments of the character and in superhero cinema period.

While Nicholson's joker is mostly celebrated there are two big points of contention, two elephants in the room to tackle.

The first is the fact we get Joker's name at all, that we know anything about him before he became joker as a huge part of his mystique is being this mysterious murder clown who just.. fell in a vat one day and that's all we know before he started chasing batman.

I prefer his past to be a mystery, it adds to the charm and the terror of this guy... but on this watch I felt the Jack Napier version still really works. Nichson does a good job making both Jack and Joker feel like two very diffrent people: Jack was a fairly unambitious hood who WANTED to run everything, but had no real plans for it, content to screw the bosses mistress and be done with it. It's easy to buy into corrupt cop Eckhart's view Jack has no future.. because he didn't. The second Grissom found out what he was doing, he set Jack up to die. Jack ONLY escapes ace chemicals alive due to pure luck: Gordon got informed in time to take over and stop a potetial execution and Bob turned out to be the best guy ever and held said Gordon hostage to get batman to let Jack go. And even then Jack's own impulsiveness nearly killed him, falling into the vat. He's ONLY alive because of sheer luck and knowing a good back alley doctor using tools he got from a dentist who mysteriously died a few decades back.

Jack is an impulsive trainwreck.. the joker.. is Jack with all his inhibitions stripped.. and tha'ts why knowing Jack works. Jack was a pretty common hood: even the Wayne murder, we'll get to that shortly, was just buisness as usual. Jack had ambitious DREAMS, but seemed content to just wait for Grissom to die naturally then take his empire.

Joker by contrast is a mad artist: he sees gotham as his canvas, a toy to play with. He has all of jack's greed and drive, but none of his hesitance to act on it. He's impulsive but unlike jack, he thinks out his impulsive plans. He wants vicky kidnapped, but has his minons bring her, has a bunch of stuff ready and has a whole music video ready after. He barges in on her apartment but brings goons just in case. He's still impulsive enough to be the joker: He dosen't have a plan b for the parade, the pen stabbing comes off as "wouldn't this be neat let's do that", but it's still more than jack ever thought. Jack is truly gone: vestiges of him remain in his new self, he makes sure Grissom dies and wants to control gotham.. but he's now got the higher calling of mayhem: ruling gotham isn't because it's there.. it's because it's FUN. It works because it shows just how FAR joker can go, going from a midly high level enforcer, to a mad god whose only stopped by batman yanking hard enough. Jack works because, ala killing joke, it shows a mostly normal person becoming something far worse. The Joker has an origin and it informs him a bit.. but who jack was is gone by the joker and it's fascinating watching hwat he became.

So that brings us to the OTHER big change: Jack Napier killed Batman's parents. Now this one I agree was a bad idea: the tragedy of the wayne murders. .is that it was just some guy. Some random hood, sometimes named joe hill, shot two innocent people and doing so broke a child and created a bat. It being his future arch enemy feels contrived. Like IT HAD to be someone important because it was his destiny to be a vengeful orphan man! It can't have been just some guy it had to be a number one guy yes yes. It misses the point entirely and it just feels dumb and that reveal clouded my judgement. Jack on his own isn't bad but making him batman's parent's killer is just.. too much. That part sucks but everything ELSE about Uncle Bingo rules and one bad decision, that writer Sam Hamm swears wasn't his idea and came after it was in Burton's hands so blame accordingly, shoudln't negate such a fine performance.

Let's Get Nuts

Speaking of fine performances, let's talk about the Batman of the hour himself. While I went Joker first, Keaton's batman is awesome and has gotten it's due praise over the last few years.

Ironically a lot of what fans hated about him, his everyman looks and not being "muscular" are what make this bruce work. Much like Robert Pattinson's brilliant turn after, this is a Bruce who doesn't really socialize. Unlike Pattinsons he does put in the bare minimum, throwing parties and such... but it's clear while bruce is a known philanthropist, he's not really a big name figure in gotham beyond that. He's an inconspcious guy, so much that Vicky and Knox dont' even notice him or realize it is him. And that suits what he does great: he's so nondescript that once people start looking for batman they won't look there.

Not tha this secret identity being in danger is a big issue at first: Batman's experinced here, but also early enough he's just a myth: Only Knox thinks he's real and even he has no idea what this guy looks like. The criminals know, but both bruce and batman are unknowns at first and prefer it this way.

Bruce is a kind, gentle, down to earth guy: he quickly wins Vicki Vale over.. simply by showing an intrest in her work. It's subtly contrasted with the other two men in her life: Knox first notices her legs, hits on her mildly agresively and is a possesive tool, while Joker outright claims her and tries to kill bruce for stepping on his territory. Bruce wins Vicky over.. because he sees her as a PERSON and not boobs or a prize to be one. Basinger and Keaton have really great chemistry and while the two don't get a ton of scenes together, you see why Bruce takes to her so quickly.. and why he pushe sher away. His war on crime is ALL he has, and he dosen't want her getting caught in it, ironically taking away the agency that brought him to her. It's only when he realizes HOW much she means that he tries to open up. Then a clown shoots him but you know , thems the breka. It's telling when Alfred, to finally break this will they or won't they stalemate, brings her down he's not the least bit mad and is honest with Vicki and continues seeing her.. until she didn't come back for the sequel but that's a review for another day. A christmas day.

I bring up the relatoinship because it's what defines bruce, and while romances can be rushed in these movies.. this one works and fleshes bruce out. It creates a nice divide between the man he thinks he should be, the creatue of the night who scares a cowardly and superstitious lot, who dosen't flinch in any situation and is always calm.. with the all too human bruce who simply dosen't want to be alone. Well he has alfred but he can't rely on his dad forever.

As batman.. there isn't a ton to talk about as he's mostly stoic and badass. Keaton does a really good job of that.. but there's not a ton of expression other than "scowling and it's only in his final confrontation with the joker, his parents murderer he really emotes with pure unyielding rage. It's not bad.

There is one aspect that needs to be talked about though: This batman.. kills. It's a divisive idea as by this point batman's no killing rule was in place... but it's one I get Burton not using. He and those around him based this film on the earliest works, and in those.. Batman had no issue killing if he had to.

It works for me largely because Batman isn't wontonly killing: he uses the machine guns primarily to clear the way and presumibly, like the dark knight returns which is where Burton probably got the machine gun, their likely rubber bullets. The only person he truly tries to kill repeadetly is Jack. Not at the plant, as while it's said he drops him .. it really dosen't come off that way. It's left ambigious if batman did it on purpose or simply COULDN'T hold onto jack much longer. The only person Batman truly wants dead.. is the man who created him. Any other kills are mostly just life or death struggles. I prefer batman not to kill... but one who does so judciously still fits the character.

Finally before we move on we have the way his origin's done: While I said I didn't like the jack part the film tries to treat this as some big mystery.. with the problem being even in a post adam west pre burton world.. most people probably knew batman's parents were dead. It works to a point, but out of all the things in the film.. it feels like padding. We know why he's doing this, we're just waiting for Vicky to catch up and i'd be fine with that but ther'es juts.. nothing really added. She finds out his parents died. A matter of public record he didn't really bury. The only shocking reveal she finds is who killed his parents, which while a decen tswerve, couldv'e been hidden until the reveal. It just.. pads the film slightly, but not so much it obstructs it

The People of Gotham

Now for our side cast. Starting with our third lead we have Vicky Vale, she of the 80's hair, neat glasses and inconstient spelling in this review. Kim Bassinger does a great job with the character and they do TRY to flesh her out: she's been both a war reporter and a fashion photographer, is great at her career and while enamored with Bruce only takes his shit so far.

That being said while I do LIKE Vicky, it's largely down to the performance: Bassinger is a talented actress and i'd like to see her in more films. I mean i've only seen her in this, Wayne's World 2 and bits of Cool World. She did fine in all three, it's just clear she has talent and I hope to see her make a comeback if she wants. She makes a character given just enough sparkle.

That being said... plot wise.. Vicky's just there for exposition and as an object. They give her some depth, being a former war photographer, but the film's unintrested in exploring her as a person, instead having her explore bruce.

And get put in danger three diffrent times. I mean she only gets kidnapped once but it feels like she's mostly there to get scared or romance bruce. The romance plot IS important as it fleshes Bruce out as a person... but it's telling it's mostly to flesh HIM out. Vicky and him have chemistry.. but again that's because her actress is that good. I can kinda see why she didn't want to return for the sequel, and feel bad that her replacement of sorts got way more with her character. Vicky.. deserved better.

Onto Alexander Knox, who is probably confusing those of you who haven't seen the film. Knox is a reporter and is intended as mild comic relief at times. In practice he's aged like fine cheese on a sidewalk covered in radioactive ants and pudding. His first words upon seeing Vicky "Hello Legs"

He then offers to do nudes and in general just.. tends to hit on her often, while she clearly just wants to work with him and is only putting up with her bullshit because she's so clearly used to sexist bullshit and come ons at this point. I DO think some of this is intetional as there's a contrast in how he greets her and how Bruce greets her: Knox recognizes her work, but is mostly interested in

While Bruce you know.. sees her as a person. That said Knox.. is also creepily posessive, telling her not to go out with bruce, not getting what she sees in him, and clearly being jealous. He's just kinda there to set up that batman's been a thing and is mostly seen as a myth then ceases to be relevant but sticks around the film anyway. He does go after some guys with a baseball bat but it's too little too late.

Finally out of our heroes side, we have Alfred. Micheal Gogh dosen't get a ton to do, but really owns the roll, giving you the impression of a man who simply dosen't want to see his surrogate son spend his whole life in a cave. he says as much outright but you can see just how HAPPY he is that Bruce has Vicky and how much he dosen't want him to loose her. He dosen't get to do much.. but his one big action was a source of contention for Sam Hamm, as it was added after. Alfred takes Vicky to the batcave. In Hamm's words "That would be his last day of employment"

Alfred... is Bruce's dad. Not biologically, that we know of, but he raised Bruce. Even by this point in the comics it was clear Alfred was just as much a faithful retainer as he was Bruce's dad. Bruce would get mad about something like this.. but he'd never fire Alfred as a snap judgement, especially when Bruce WAS GOING TO TELL VICKY ANYWAY. Alfred likely knew this. All Alfred did was eliminate a step. It wasn't like Alfred invited his acapella group, the Alfredpellas, down there.

We then have Alicia. Alicia dosen't get much to do as this script REALLY wasn't intrested in women but is intresting. My friend Jess the Vampire pointed out when we watched this she's kind of a proto harley quinn: someone deeply intrested in the Joker despite how he abuses her. At first it's fairly equal: Jack gives her attention Grissom isn't and him becoming joker shocks her but isn't bad. Then he horribly scars her as an art piece, and abandons her for Vicky and the sheer trauma causes her to throw herself off a building. It's a tragic story as she didn't relaly do anything wrong, she just had bad taste in men: first Grissom then Jack then Joker. It's not as layered as poor harley, but it's a good first draft and adds to what a monster Joker is. He just makes her into his horrifying art then throws her away when he's done.

Finally out of the major characters we have Bob. Bob is a quiet MVP in this film, Jack's best friend and #2 and Joker's Number. One. Guy.

What I hadn't noticed before is even pre joker.. Bob is LOYAL to Jack. He gets Eckhart not to shoot jack, and most importantly saves Jack from Batman at Ace Chemicals, holding Gordon hostage. From the go he's invauable to his bestie, helping make up for Jack's impulsivness. And while Jack just kinda shrugs, as he tends to, Joker recognizes this. He instantly makes Bob his NUMBER. ONE. GUY. and unlike grissom, who only said it in jest and as a veiled threat, Joker really seems to mean it. He has Bob stalk vicky for him, lure her to the musuem, all creepy shit sure but all stuff Joker needs vitally done and trusts Bob to do without any ulterior motive. And he does. Bob's also just fun: he capers a lot during partyman and is one of the best parts of Trust, his expression as he's throwing money gives me life. It also makes his death tragic. Bob was not a good guy, again he stalked a woman because he was told to.. but he was loyal and friendly.. and joker kills him simply because he got pissed off. His death is, fitting the joker, hilarious, just the casual way he asks for a gunt hen shoots bob with it, but it's a sad end to a NUMBER. ONE. GUY.

The rest of the side cast.. is pretty one note. Gordon is just the police chief, something that carries over to most other versions we've seen on film, Dark Knight being the exception. He has a great moment at ace chemicals but does fuck all the rest of the film except light up the bat signal. Harvey Dent is there to set up a future role that never comes for Billy Dee Williams. Grissom is memorable thanks to Jack Palance's delivery of "NUMBER. ONE. GUY. ", but otherwise is just a standard gangster man. The rest of the cast is mostly there to do plot and they do do it well but don't do much else.

Conclusion: And with that Bat March comes to a belated end. I enjoyed this review as it made me take a close look at a film I loved... and ended up loving it MORE. Batman has rough edges, some due to age some due to simply being one of the earlier comic book movies, but it' sstill damn good even today. It's a classic, a fun ride with banger performances, a lot of detail and deft direction from Burton. If you haven't watched it in a while, please do. If you have.. well do anyway it's that good.

Thanks for reading and thanks for enjoying batmarch

[hislittleraincloud]

...

...

...

...Yes, I realize I'm late to ranting about this (I've been BUSY),

but fucking no.

Kinda funny that the crit for this is a lot similar to that of MG..."it could have been, but..."

They better not be touching my Misery, even if it's a "loose remake". The Weeknd already ruined his acting cred with the cringe-inducing The Idol. His ego is so...huge yet there's nothing but hot air there, and those stroking it (Trey Edward Shults) needs to take a second look at that crap show with his bad acting.

Misery's another pop culture thing that I've been devoted to for over 30 years. I have the book in several iterations (French 🇫🇷🥖🫠 is my favorite) and I keep finding Misery VHS tapes around the area where I live (it's just yet another weird phenomenon that I can't explain). I have three, floating somewhere around this garbage dump of an apartment, even though I don't even have a VCR.

My baby dog is named after a character in the newish, successful prequel to Misery, the second season of Castle Rock. The backstory on Annie was phenomenal, and Lizzy Caplan was robbed of all the awards for her portrayal of Annie. Fucking ROBBED.

(Also, whoever made this decision here was a fucking genius...bringing to mind the final shot of the original Psycho movie was brilllllllliant.)

So Misery has a very close place in my heart (not to fucking mention that it came out around the time I had my own goddamn stalker...that is part of the attempted murder thing I've yet to post). It was the last movie my father took me too, as well (he's still alive...but like Cairo, I have very selfish parents).

Do I have faith that our girl Ortega can do it? Of fucking course I do. She plays Crazy pretty well. But it would be trusting the material to a child (ha ha) who, from the looks of past cringey work, is just driving another (mid) vehicle for Ortega to get hurt in the crash. Too many people LOVE Misery, and Annie Wilkes is beloved. She's a most iconic villainess, and just about anyone who plays her gets accolades (Laurie Metcalf in particular was fkn great in the stage play). I don't see Ortega dropping the ball on any iteration of Annie Wilkes, but I see people looking at the Weeknd after The Idol and laughing (as well they should).

Plus, there's this factor:

Who is Ortega's agent? Isn't she getting fucking sick of re-doing everything from 30+ years ago? What's fucking next, a remake of Gremlins with her as Gizmo?

...

...Actually, I'd pay to see that. I WOULD PAY.

But seriously, she wanted to become a scream queen of sorts and now she's fucking stuck doing the same shit other people did before her, and within the memories of people who were alive when the originals came out. Maybe if 50 years had passed between everything, sure. Maybe she should try remaking more stuff from the 60s and 70s. But then again, this is happening with Burton (and Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, which I still kinda feel is perfect for the barely 5' foot tall Ortega 🤣) and I still feel it's just doing the same thing over and over and over again when there are literally thousands of original scripts out there that aren't getting a second look. There's also thousands upon thousands of books that haven't been adapted.

Or, if she really wants to remake something so badly, something that would be completely controversial: Anne Desclos's The Story of O. A new take on it, one that will confuse the Purity Culturalists just as it pissed off feminists in the 1970s before Desclos, a woman, was revealed to have written it in the 90s. Much like it is today, people get pissed off when female characters are written by women as anything less than 'more' (perception-wise, ofc) than the men around them/young women can never be written as willingly submissive or horribly deranged. Can't write Cairo to be the crazy stalker Adrian Forrester was. Can't write anything where a woman willingly throws herself at/or is submissive to a man (because that never happens IRL, right 💀).

The problem is, people love Crazy/unhinged. We fucking love. It. WHEN IT IS DONE WELL. We need substance behind it, especially if it's a new take on a beloved, completely and utterly unhinged character like Annie Wilkes.

Jesus Christ, can't I just sleep for the next 20 years and skip all of this crap?

[popculturebuffet]

Thomas and Friends Retrospective: Season 6: In Loving Memory of Britt Alacroft (Comission by Lachey V)

Hello all you very useful engines and welcome back to my look at the wonderful and wonderfully messed up world of Thomas the Tank Engine. For those just tuning in, for the past few years i've covered the series first 5 seasons on and off for friend of the blog and train enthusiast Lachey V, along with a selection of it's US Sister series shining time station, it's spirtual spinoff Tugs and both cuts of the movie. Lachey took a short break after the film to do other things but we're back baby and probably.. never leaving Sodor. Probably. Over these 7 seasons and a movie we've seen trains psychologically tortured for their hubris, threatned with extinction, turned into batteries, menaced by cows and boulders, the creator of the series loose his shit over a forest, attempted naval boat murder, the one true savior that is schemer, and Alec Baldwin on a majestic mountain of cocaine acting with trains. It's been a weird time and i'm happy to see it continue

Before we move on to the the show proper though we have to adress some sad news: Britt Allcroftt, who co created the show and was the reason it exists, passed on recently. It's devistating news. I wouldn't be here doing this if it weren't for her and I thank her for all her hard work. While a LOT of talented people made this show possible, she's the one who put it all together and whose company made it and shining time all possible. So thank you Britt. Enjoy your rest up there. So long and thanks for all the very useful engines.

Thankfully Series 6 is a great place to slide back into the series and to honor her. It's post movie and things got shook up a bit: While Britt Alcroft's company, Guillane Entertainment is still running the show, they had to subsidise things to kids entertainment juggernaught H.I.T.

The good news is , at least for these first two seasons, it worked out well and rather than begin the show's downslide, we're thankfully at least one season off from that from what i hear, it gave us it's best season. This is thanks to the biggest change: a writer's room. I was suprised but it makes sense: The show had two writers to rewdo scripts, britt in a pinch and was largely adapting the books. It had a few original stories but largely didn't need that many writers.

Now the books have run out, that changed and since for some reason they didn't want to do the reverened's son's books, reasons I still just plain dont' have for you, they instead went their own way. And it worked out swimingly, with tales on par or suprassing the revereneds. The writers still largely kept the formula of "Train fucks up, some chaos happens, a lesson is learned", but diversify a bit: the show's a bit more of an ensemble as while Thomas still gets featured plenty, everyone in the main cast gets an episode this season. Even Edward, who I forget about most of the time gets a full on spotlight late in the season. The show recenters on the main cast and is better for it, allowing me to tell them apart easier. The trains always had unqiue personalities but feel way more distinct this season. Aside from Gordon whose still the world's biggest dick and always has stood out for that, but who also gets punished way more often for his bullshit.

It's a very useful season. It's also thankfully still got some wacky nonsense as we get a train blowing up a hot air ballon, Percy's season long breakdown and dip into chocolate, Thomas powered by a jet engine, and an organist subbing in for a whistle. All the nonsense you'd expect but in stronger stories that don't feel like their punching down as much in places. All under the cut

Salty's Secret

This episode is apparently second aired but i'm putting it first as it comes first in canon and introduces the greatest engine. Ladies, gentleman, nb's and that beautiful technicolor rainbow inbetween, this is Salty. I liked him when I first saw him and thankfully he doesn't disappoint as he not only has a unique look, with his caution stripes and red streaked bumper, but he's also a nice guy whose only real character flaw is going on about his special intrest or life experinces, which I relate to. I mean I just reviewed my faviorite comic the other week and will continue not to shout up about it in the comic months. I get it. I get it. So i'm on Salty's side as he annoys other trains, wants to work by the sea bu tis happy to do quarry work, and gets promoted to the docks to his joy. I don't remember much else here I just know Salty is the best and the next episode Clinched it

No Sleep for Cranky

NO

SLEEP

FOR CRANNNKKKKYYYYY!

This episode features the return of Cranky the crane, a crane whose cranky. If you want character depth go watch bluey.. seriously go watch it it's amazing. Still haven't found anyone to ship with Wendy yet.

But enough of my weird problems, Cranky is tired of being around other engines, this may be the most relatable season yet, and his only friend are seagulls, so he snaps when Salty does his thing. How dare he. But as any train is he's punished for his hubris .. and in a way that's genuinelly funny: he drops some pipes so he's stuck with one of the sets of twins as Salty repeats see shanty's all night, like the time a bunch of his mates had to rescue a boat from being murdered by the navy as the boat's retirement. Quite the tale that. So Cranky realizes maybe being alone ain't so bad and is a bit nicer.. a bit. I mean he's still got a name to live up to. But he won't be whapping his son with his crane cane anymore so that's nice.

Harvey to the Rescue

We get a new engine whose barely used.. Which isn't new, but what is is that Harvey has a unique deisgn. He's a crane engine designed for Wrecks. He also has a jay leno chin, which looks a tad weird but I give props for being one of the first times they've really played with the face shapes. Makes him stand out.

Naturally though the other trains bully him for being weird, suprising no one. He then saves the day nad proves himself. Harvey is a neat addition and looks neat but the episode is a tale we've heard before

A Bad Day for Harold

A note I forgot before I got in deep we're back to the british version for this one. Forgot we did the american one last time because Alec Baldwin's voice was entertaining but apparently he just.. flat out gave up this season so we moved back to good old Micheal Angelis.

Moving on this one begins Percy's seasonlong breakdown. While Percy's always been a little fussy this season he's OBSESSED with his cleanliness, obsessed with his ocasoinal mail deliveries and liable to be in a snit at any given minute. Starting here he brags about doing the mail, is mean to harold and then nearly breaks down when Harold has to deliver the mail. Calamity happens of course but i'ts a sign of things to come.

Unrealted I also just remembered the indignation meeting. Good times.

Elizabeth the Vintage Lorry

We get our final motor vehicle character intro of the season... kind of. There are some other newcomers but it's a complicated case. But out of recurring cast Elizabeth's our last edition for the season.

Thomas breaks down.. physically, he's not pulling a percy and his drivers find an old lorry in a shed, a coal powered one named Elizabeth. elizabeth is great; she's cross they woke her from her super slumber and batty, but still gets them back to get coal for thomas. Basically she's a jerk but her egotistim is justified unlike gordons as despite years and years of disuse she springs right into action.

This also makes me realize later canon has made the Henry stuff SLIGHTLY better. I mean the Fat Controller is still gaslighting him into obdience instead of having Gordon push him along, as we see this season trains CAN be pushed or towed along, it's still messed up.. but Henry could super sleep if he wanted. Even if he was bricked up for always and always. That said I still say making Smudger into a living battery was horrifying as it was clear he coudln't sleep due to the process.. just starring at you in horror.

So moving on from what I dream about every night as I toss and turn and beg for relief, Eizabeth turns out to have been one of the Fat Controller's old vehicles he lost.. he did look and I buy it. So he has her refurbishd and all is well I guess.

The Fogman

So this one's kinda nuts but less because of the weird shit and more because of a bit of old timey train lore i'd never heard of. So back then to warn trains in fogs to stop, a man would set up small explosives to rattle the train. It's kinda nuts but I get it and it's delightful we get a whole episode about it, which not only edudcates kids but my grown ass. My life is indeed better knowing men used to set explosives on tracks for entirely noble purposes

In this case that man is Cyril, whose out of a job thanks to automation as the fat controller buys a fog warning machine. No one is happy about this, but luckily before Cyril becomes a batman villian, as frankly he'd have every righ tto, the machine breaks down and Cyril steps back in and gets his job back. hooray! A good fable about how the human touch is sometimes better.. as is dynamite.

Jack Jumps In/A Friend in Need

This one's a two parter and a good old fashioned backdoor pilot. Gilluane had intended to make a spinoff, Jack and the Pack about construction machines, not a bad idea honestly, a neat way to make more thomas style stories... but like Tugs it didn't take off. And unlike tugs it was just.. cancelled despite being finished and it's 13 episodes were put on dvd long after this point. Since they have new titles and what not Lachey's having me hold off for now.

It's a solid pilot: Jack's an enthuastic new red construction equipment who becomes friends with thomas , meets new friends including his green best friend, and then causes an oopsie that threatens his new job.. but then pulls off one hell of a save. I gotta admit the climax to this two parter is amazising as Jack holds up a motherfucking bridge that was collapsing that thomas ended up on long enough for Thomas to escape alive. It's objectively cool and a hell of a character intro. While having your new lead save the old one is risky, Jack pulls it off. It helps Thomas and Friends get into scrapes like this at least once an episode. So Jack formally joins the pack and we'll see him again later. Maybe i'l learn his friends names then. But it's a solid pilot: I like the people at the company, the bigger variety of human characters and the fact that aside from a designated asshole Thomas met offscreen, the crew are all nice, at most having a friendly rivalry with jack. It's a nice change of pace from teh sodor crew being as nice as the episode requires.

It's Only Snow

Thomas hates having a snowplow... that would be all I write but then it gets awesome as to save another train, Thomas agrees to freball it anyway and while he learns how hard it is he presses on. Because Thomas is a fucking champion and I like when the trains get to pull off cool stuff. The show dosen't need to be only that, the disasters and nonsense are fine, but I like mixing it up ab itmore with feats of strength.

Twin Trouble

One of the sets of twins gets into a snit and the other works with duck for a while. Both learn their lesson. And this isn't even the only twins in a snit episode this season. It is however aggressively mediocre, something most of the season can't say about itself.

The World's Strongest Engine:

Disel kidnaps gordon to try and steal his brain and Thomas nad friends must fight his minons to get it back.

Also Disel comes back after Henry gets injured and is as usual a racist dick plotting world domination. No really he wants to replace all steam trains with disels. This could of easily been forgettable as like his previous return it's "Disel comes back and is a dick" but they find a fun way to spin it: this time the troublesome trucks get involved

While everyone's face got a refurbish, sharpening them up to be in line with the film, the big one was the trucks who all go from having the same goofy face.. to EVERY ONE having a unique face. So the show will cut back and forth. It makes them even creepier and more gremliny, this hoard of monstrosties who all look diffrent but all think the same. IT's why the Fat Controller can't fire them: they are legion.

They end up pushing disel off a damn and he gets repremanded and goes away again.. but he'll be back.. HE ALWAYS COMES BACK.. because the Fat Controller's long term memory is very poor.

Scaredy Engines

This is one of my faviortes of the season, helped by a new set. Most of the sets either got refurbished like the quarry or got new sets to the poitn the intro now covers a bunch of areas. It helps up the look of the show. In this case the smelter's is shown, remodled from a set used in the magic railroad, and Percy is nervous because of ghosts.. which is an entirely rational fear to have frankly. This world has sentient boulders, talking trains, talking boats and alec baldwin on cocaine. It defintely has ghosts.

Still Thomas is a dick about it and Percy gets his revenge by accidently scaring thomas while lost. Thomas admits he was a dick, and the two walk off while Smudger's ghost nods in approval.. he can nod in train heaven.

Percy and the Haunted Mine

Let's take a ride, to a haunted mine. What once was a something something is now... filled with fog and stuff.

Anyways Percy is menaced by Gnomes. Okay maybe he has a reason for his slow mental deteration given he was scared stupid last episode and this one things GNOMES are haunting the railway after some fall out. Turns out their for a station decorating contest mentioned early on. All is well.

This ep is simple on plot but just fun, from the sheer absudrity of Percy beign terrified of gnomes, to the deep thick atmosphere of the fog. This season really stepped up the series atmosphere: it was already a change that was happening last season but it's more uniform here. The foggy mine truly feels spooky and unerving.

Middle Engine

So we get a character reintorduction that confused the hell out of me. So this one brings back Arry and Bert, two engines who were menacing disels in that one where one of the engines had to save another from certain death. They were intimidating assholes, that was their job and they did it well.

So now thier back.. but they weren't named last time and have new rolls, so I had to ask Lachie what the fuck. Turns out the fuck was they weren't named before. They also werne't petty bullies. They are effectivfe bullies though adn they get in James head, not hard and Percy, even easier to get them scrucnhed up between a truck and some pipes as middle engines. This sure is a thomas episode and only really notable for the new old faces. And the look of murder on james face there. I wills ay even in a pretty standard episode, there's some neat visuals this season

James and the Red Balloon

This one is probably my faviorite of the season as it's a neat spin on an old faviorite; Train Jealousy. In this case it's summer in sodor and that means vacationers, plenty of work for everyone and good vibes. It also means a hot air ballon is doing flights for the tourists and James quickly becomes paranoid they'll took his jerb. I love how the Thomas wiki has the summary as

"Thomas and mostly James worry that a red hot air balloon will take their passengers away."

I can't decide which is better, the fact whoever wrote this decided the main character HAD to come first even when he's not the main character of this story or the acknolwedgment this is mostly Jame's hangup and he just kinda sucked thomas into it.

Mostly James ends up helping his hated enemy in one of the most delightfully batshit scenes of the season, tied with another we'll get to in just two episodes. So the hot air ballon looses air and rather than try to use the sandbags or anything it just.. crashes into the train yard. WE get a great effect of it covering james, how they had a camera tiny enough for this angle in the mid 90's I do not know, and james inflates the thing. James inflated a hot air ballon. I love this show. Not even ironically I genuinely love the show by this point. It's not in my age bracket but dang is it fun.

James is disappointed to find out the red ballon is not a dead ballon but is reassured by the fat controller they aren't being replaced. A fun time for all.

Gordon Takes a Tumble

Speaking of fun times for all, we have Gordon eating shit after he does something stupid out of spite AND getting called out for his usual bullshit.

Yeah this is one of my faviorites of the season. Look i'm hard on Gordon.. because his main character trait is "smug asshole". He's the kind of guy whose made the world what it is and I don't much care for him. So an episode where he suffers throughly and for something REALLY dumb, especially in the world we live in is something I really needed. The writers room really got the best way to use gordon: as an ocasional asshole and if the focus, getting a through commpuance. And I mean through.

Okay so due to a high workload Gordon is asked to do trucks. This is a fantastic setup and nicely builds on a running quirk of Gordon's: he looks down on truck work. I may of struggled with the characters names at times, and some stuff may blend together but of all the things I remember well the fact any time moving Trucks comes up, Gordon almost always chimes in with how distastful he finds it, how he hates it or how it's bad work and the engines doing it aren't as important for doing it. Season after season this has been one of those things he just can't not be a dick about, so while I don't think it's the first time he's pulled trucks, it still feels oh so cathartic. IT's done in a way where if you haven't spent a good chunk of your time and work hours thinking about trains, you can enjoy it but if you have it's heaven. And Gordon does complain and is an ass.. but Fat Controller is stern, telling him to shut the fuck up and do his job.. .in a polite mannmer.

It's something I REALLY like about this season. Outside of one stupid bit where he berates Percy for something that was the truck's faults, FC is a kind patient mentor, something he's been since season 2 but really sinks in here. He wont' take crap and will be honest, but he's a lot more patient with the trains than he used to be.. and to my delight a lot LESS patient with Gordon's assholery. He's always called him out but here he's a lot more specific about how the engines fuck up, and thus is a lot more cutting.

Gordon is pissy and Salty only makes it worse. And that's another point for this one, might put it above the ballon really, as Salty is the one getting under Gordon's skin. Salty is the antitheseis to gordon: rough looking, a smaller engine... but happy to do his work without complaint even when he dosne't like it, cheerful and cheeky but not in a way where he's cruel to people. He just takes the piss out of people who are already angry assholes.

And Gordon is the angriest asshole there is, deciding to ignore Salty's warnings and when told to slow down by a sign decides to speed up to show that sign whose boss. I'm entirely serious, Gordon is so pissed off by a sign he ends up crashing into a farmer's field. And then is throughly berated by the fat Controller for trying to one up salty by being a moron. It is so damn fun to see Gordon act like a scolded child... all the engines do when upset, but the rest are usually contrite when they fuck up. Gordon rarely is.

Salty apologizes because he's train jesus and Gordon apologizes and everyone toots. A fantastic episode. Take it back this is my faviorite.

Jack Frost

Percy's seasonlong breakdown continues as he's scared of Jack Frost. James teases him about it and you can see where this goes just looking up. IT's worth it for the image alone.

Percy's Chocolate Crunch

Percy destroys a chocolate factory. Many brave Oompa Loompa's died that day.

I really could end it there, I could, but the context is even more fun. So percy is mad he can't shower as there's a water shortage on the island and is trying to do clean jobs, hating working in coal and getting shit from a bridge.. and the metaphorical kind of shit from the Troublesome Trucks who make up a cruel song. He thinks working with candy will be a nice clean job... and thus Percy CRASHES through the choclate factory because god may or may not be smiting him for his hubris. I honestly can't tell. I mean he was fussing over getting dirty, but gets a bath from this. So is god helping him by having him commit oompa loompa cide or trying to punish him and it backfired? it's really hard to tell. Train God is a complicated bastard.

I will say the choclate effects are excellent.. I don't know if they actually used choclate or what but it looks so dang real. Too sweeeeet.

Buffer Bother

Ben gets new buffers and Bill is jealous and injures himself being stupid. I didn't really care for this one. Would've helped if they coated in him carmel.

Toby Had a Little Lamb

Toby is, as he always was our hero but god damn does he get to show his bravery in this one. So in a blizzard Toby is found by a farmer who despite his resting bitch face is genuinely begging for help: one of his lambs is giving birth and needs to be transported saftely. Toby goes to get duck who does his best but the snows just too deep and the lines too big. .but not for Toby. While Fat Controller has his worries for his train son's saftey, he reluctantly agrees to let Toby go save the day and he does. This is just a fantastic one. It's nice to see Toby get a starring roll again and that the writers took care to give each train at least one spotlight episode a piece. And he makes a meal of it, proving his bravery heart and why I love this old man.

Thomas, Percy and the Big Squeak

Thomas is tapped to deliver a famous opera singer and is mildly dickish about it, but gets a mouse in his car and the opera singer is a dick about that. Thankfully percy gets to transport her instead. A rare win for percy this season. Train God was probably busy fighting Train Satan that day.

Thomas and the Jet Engine

While I will stand by Percy's choclate adventures being the peak of nonsense this season it does have some close copetition. That title is not a misnomer: Thomas gets a fucking jet engine being transported through sodor.

It's also another "Gordon gets his compuance" episode, and in the place it hurts most: his pride. Gordon is bragging about how he's faster, better and has a bigger train penis than everyone else, and Thomas wishes he could go faster than gordon just once.. he's already packing so he's good elsewhere.

So while transporting a jet engine, Cranky does an asshole and his anger casues the jet engine to activate. So now

THOMAS!

HE CAN REALLY MOVE

THOMAS!

HE'S GOT ATTITUDE

THOMAS!

HE'S THE FASTEST THING ALIVE!

HE'S THE FASTEST THING ALIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVEEEE!

It's a truly amazing sequence of thomas speeding by every other train including gordon. The other trains all gladly razz gordon... except Percy who meekly stands up for him for reasons only know to Train Jesus. Percy you have enough problems don't get attached to Gordon.

Edward the Really Useful Engine

I love this one. Part of it is it spotlights a train who was honestly a lot to deal with early on, as Edward and Thomas, while far from twins, were both blue engines and unlike gordon, there was no bit size diffrence and he had no personality to speak of. Look I take a bit to learn character names in shows with distinct characters, my autistic brain isn't going to take "this one is blue and this one is als o blue but his face is different and his personality is absent" well

Thankfully Edward gets a spotlight here long after I sorted it out and long after the show had seemingly forgot about him. I mean he'll pipe in during Indignation Meetings ocasionally, but he's mostly just.. there. He takes up space. I don't hate him, but till this episode he just kidna faded into the background. The others may of been lost on my brain sometimes, all having only the slightest diffrences with this season and the previous doing a better job to make sure their distinct more often, but Edward really was just there.

If there's one thing to get me to like you though.. it's Gordon hating you. Gordon has decided Edward is too old and must be retired. There's a lot of delightful layers of asshole to this: the fact Gordon himself is one of the older engines, the fact he's saying this for no real reason he's just decided another train must die or go into a forever coma because they got the olds, and the fact he has no shrimp to eat while he's announcing he wants to retire someone for being old.

Thankfully the other engines all completely disagree with his bullshit. Not a one agrees with this and it's sweet to see: normally the trains are either divided on it or all gang up on whoever's being bullied with one or two trains saying no to that. Here every train agrees Gordon is being even more of a prick on rails than usual, all united in their hatred of gordon.

This. This is one of the best days of my life. Even the Fat Controller plans to have a talk with him but Gordon being gordon dicks himself over his arrogance. Not even going to refresh my memory is to why let's see he saw a sign telling him to break and thought he'd show that stupid sign. Edward saves him, the Fat Controller calls Gordon out again and children sing in joy.

Dunkin Duncan

First class title there and it's all I remember about this one: We get the return of the other line, and Duncan, who I forgot existed falls off a cliff into the mud. According to the narration no one was hurt despite his lineman and some other dude looking very dead. Maybe it's a legal thing. I dunno. It is however comedy gold.

Rusty Saves the Day

I love this one. So Skarloey and Renias loose thier line as it gets all banged up and the Fat Controller tried nothing and he's all out of ideas. Rusty wants to save their jobs so he agrees to repair it in time. What I Love is how this power trio resolves things: Mavis, whose apparently been moved to the other side of the island, snorts at helping, so Rusty appeals to her ego to get her to help and thus the line is saved. I swear I might of found Gordon's perfect mate if the idea of gordon breeding, or trains breeding in general didn't haunt my nightmares. Great episode though.

Faulty Whistles

A really fun one to close out this round. So Duncan bursts his whistle showing off because Percy isn't on this branchline and someone has to be punished for their hubris to meet Train God's quota.

Luckily their carrying an organ and transporting the headmaster for a school, who proceeds to doot on his organ to simulate a whistle. i'ts a gloriously weird premise and I love it. Everything about this. It's so charming and cozy. A great cap to a fantastic season

Next time at some point: Someone throws a brick at Gordon... one can only hope.

[popculturebuffet]

Watchemen Retrospective Finale: Zack Snyder's Watchmen (Comission for WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy capes.. and welcome to my final review of 2022 and my grand finale to my look at Watchmen. I've looked at all 12 issues with a brief April Fools detour to look at the unmade Sam Hamm version, but there's still one last piece of Watchmen media I want to look at as the Clock strikes 12. Yes folks we're talking about the divisive, loyal as it could possibly be, greatly soundtracked, 2009 film Watchmen.

Filming the Unfimable

As the fact I had a full script to review should show, attempts had been made to adapt the Watchmen for decades. The Hamm script was pitched with Terry Gilliam of all people who considered the project unfilmable as a movie, and better as a mini series.

The biggest attempt was made with David Hayter, voice actor and writer, aka Metal Gear's Solid Snake, Zangetsu in Blodostained, and Captain America in Spider-Man TAS. He also was a writer on the first two x-men films, the scorpian king, and an executive producer on of all the things i've reviewed, A Christmas Horror Story> I knew NONE of this when looking him up and i'm incredibly impressed. This is one hell of a career the man's gotten. His draft really impressed executives, but attempts at paramount, rogue pictures and others stalled until eventually Warner Bros scooped up the rights.

Hayter's script had a few diffrences from the final product as Alex Tse, who'd go on to make wu tang an american story, would do some touch ups. His was set in modern day, at one point Nite Owl straight up killed Adrian, and at one point Adrian's plan ivnolved a MASSIVE SOLAR DEATH RAY

Yeah I mean I get why Christ Almighty it's the goddman watchmen gets mentioned more, it's objectively funny.. but the fact Adrian used a solar death beam at one point still should come up more. Don't get me wrong, the idea of using the power of the sun is awesome: Jonathan Hickman's run had Iron Man build a dyson sphere to potentially smash planets. But there's a difference between taking a real world floated concept and making it high concept sci fi.. and having your morally complex if ultimately evil despite his claims villain have a fucking death ray powered by the sun. The other ideas.. are also not my forte. The 80s setting and the 50s start to mystery men are integral to things, as the films eventually director agreed, and having Dan kill adrian just feels a step too far. What the film goes with is still cathartic and we'll get to it, but Adrian should live not to reap the benefits of his actions.. but to live with both the guilt of what he's done and any consequences should the truth come out.

As for who would direct this, with the recent success of 300… Warner Bros tapped Zack Snyder to direct. We'll get into Zack Snyder himself in a second, but to his credit, he was a huge fan of the graphic novel and most tweaks to Hayter's script were out of reverence to it, though he did keep that ending which again we'll get to.

The resulting film was.. divisive. Some critics loved it, some hated it and fans were split on everything from the performacnes to.. that ending. It's part of why I wanted to dive into it. See when the Younger Me saw it over a decade ago.. he dug it. He liked it a lot and thought it was a great adaptation. So I wanted to see if it held up: if it was still good a decade, a through yearlong re-read of the source material, and Zack Snyders lesser adaptations after it later. So let's answer that question shall we as I watch the Watchmen one final time.. at least for this year.

Watchmenmaker So yeah.. before we can even get into the film we have to unpack it's director. And I'm not one to take the side door, I'll come right up front and knock: Zack Snyder is a kind generous man who uses his massive fanbase to help charities, seems to really love his fans and his work, and who generally seems to be an upright guy. He's hard to hate on his own. That said while as a person I have nothing but respect for the guy, his other superhero works i've seen Man of Steel and Batman V Superman are not great films, especially the latter. If you like them great, your allowed to disagree with me but their just not the best superhero films and I for the life of me can't understand why some people are so ride or die on them.

Man of Steel is.. fine. It's a flawed film with a palette that can best be described as "Hope you like grey!", and easily the worst Jonathan Kent in the characters history, a selfish dumbass who has the sheer gall to berate his son for saving lives and who stupidly throws himself into a tornado for reasons that make entirely no sense and who clearly fucked his son up to the point he's traveling the world and the seven seas instead of living a normal life because SOMEBODY felt he never could. It's not a film I really fondly remember, but it's one I felt okay about coming out of the theater. It's alright. It's not the best take on superman, but I can see why some may like it.

Batman V Superman on the other hand.. is giant mess. I liked it a bit out of the theater, but the more i've thought abotu it the less it's become. Part of it isn't entirely his fault: it's clear DC wanted to FastTrack the justice league and shoved as many heroes in as they could. Wonder Woman, while a great part of the film, feels just kinda there, and while Ben Affleck gives it his best, his version of batman just doesn't work. It's clear Zack Snyder has the same reverence for the Dark Knight Returns as Watchmen.. but fails to get that that's not necessarily how to approach batman, nor that even THAT batman does not kill and will not.

His lex luthor is also just baffling, with it being hard for me to figure out just what he was going for. The idea of a younger luthor whose a tech bro was brilliant.. but the resulting writing has a luthor who sounds and acts like he did a literal, not figurative, mountain of cocaine before every scene, whose plans are needlessly convoluted , and who thanks to said cocaine thinks a jar of piss is a good statement. Seriously I did not realize he pissed in a jar the first time around, probably because Lex Luthor pissing in a jar and leaving that jar wired with explosives is not the kind of thing that usually makes it past first draft. There's a reason we never got Superman fighting a giant spider-man while Braniac wrestled a polar bear after all. Trying to jam Death of Superman in there without having properly built up to it doesn't remotely hep and the film that results is just an overly long, overly dour mess that is more concerned about tlaking about superman being a god for 40 minutes than actually telling a good story. It's overly long, overly self indulgent and ultimately just.. just bad. It's bad.

And look I don't begrudge Snyder himself for wanting his cut of Justice League. He only left the film due to the worst tragedy that could befall a parent, and had it cut to shit behind his back. What I begrude is the cultlike beahvior that's formed out of it. While there are likely fans of Zack Snyder's dc work who are nice, kind, and don't mind if someone has a difference of opinion and if your reading this, I value your existence, there has been a foaming, loud, asshollish horde of fans that has not shut the fuck up since getting said cut. Wanting more of something you love is fine. Right now as an Owl House Fan we're hoping desperately Disney gives us more of the series in some form and actually listens. Sometimes you have to scream to be heard.

The problem is instead of accepting the snyder cut as the cool what could've bene it is and being happy with what they got.. they gnash their teeth at ANYTHING they percive outside it. They've taken the screws to Shazam for not being as edgelord as the films they like, and lately have been just outright insufferable. They have gotten RABID since James Gunn was made one of the heads of DC and made the decision to get rid of Henry Cavill… a decision I udnerstand as the snyder verison of superman has a LOT of baggage and while Cavill did his best, I can understand James wanting to start fresh and using a new actor as a way to do that. It's an understandable decision from a guy who was given the hard task of coming in and steering a ship that has no direction in a company that's on fire thanks to David Zaslav's escalating selfish, terrible and downright baffling decisions. He did not come in guns a-blazin to gut everything: Gal Godot and The Rock are still on board, with his black adam announcment merely being that their going to hold off on using him again at first, rather than "your fired get out" as many are intepreting. And while I get it's weird to fire cavill after the stinger to black adam, it was included more because Dwayne Johnson wants to fight superman than being a coherent plan for a sequel, and I say that with all the love I can to the rock whose an awesome dude. I just don't care about seeing Black Adam fight superman. That's not who he has a connection to.

It's just been so draining. I get liking a film but I doubt Snyder wants .. any of this. He's fine. He's moved on from his superhero work. You are NEVER going to get what you wanted back> Let someone genuinely talented who will likely pull out some weird, wonderful cuts do what he wants and give him some room to do it. Zack Snyder is not a bad filmmaker but like superman. .he's not a fucking god. He doesn't want a fucking cult in his name. He just wants you to enjoy his films and support them. Just.. do that. Love his dceu work if you like but accept it's over, move on and for god's sake stop harassing people for it. I shouldn't' have to say this but it's gotten bad, and I felt it couldn't' be ignored. When Snyder fans are, no joke, going up to a tweet Gunn made trying to get support for charities and saying "DON'T CARE WANT CAVILL", I have to say.. SOMETHING, when I have the chance to speak to said fanbase. To those of you not doing this shit.. thank you. Thank you for being good people like Zack likely actually wants. Your awesome.

Now you may be asking yourself "Well how did I get here?"… or more likely "Okay nice speech and all Jake but what does this have to do with the film your actually reviewing" or

If your a tad deranged. My reason is that while I can see bit sof the DCEU in here, particularly Zack Snyder preferring to deconstruct superheroes than actually play it straight, Watchmen.. zigs a lot of places he'd later Zag. It's shockingly colorful while still being grounded, still having the gaudy outfits, but keeping them because he knows their important. The only change he made to them was to make them more like something you'd see in a superhero film of the past, to help evoke these costumes come from the past: Nite Owl and Ozymandis in particular have outfits that come out of a Burton Batman and Schumacher Batman film respectively. Laurie's is more shiny latex, and the Comedian thankfully keeps his domino mask during his full career and either wears your standard Sterling Archer spy turtleneck on missions or his costume rather than bringing out the gimp. I do think it clashes a LITTLE with the 60's and 70's these costumes are supposed to come from but I get that putting them in say, a 60's batman style outfit would be a bridge too far given the tone of the work, and that the original outfits, while neat, were also intentionally goofy in a way that just dosen't work on flim. It's why you only saw The Scarlet Witch, Vision and Quicksilvers full silver age costumes as halloween costume easter eggs in wandavision or Steve Roger's classic cap outfit as his uso outfit. These are iconic looks.. but they just don't work on screen. You can still hav ecolor and flair as the MCU has shown us, but you have to rework it to fit the present.

This way Snyder gets to both have pops of color.. while also having the costumes still get the slightly dated look in a way people who haven't read the comic will get. It's honestly a stroke of brillance and while his works aren't my forte and he slapped a palette of grey over them, his later works do have neat costumes.

His watchmen shows a respect for these characters and world his DCEU work dosen't quite have. He replicates panels, only didn't replicate the costumes beyond rorshachs for the reasons mentioned, and really tries to get as much of the story in as he can. Which brings us to

The Times they Are A Changing

The film is for the most part a fairly straight adaptation of the Graphic Novel. There's a big change to the ending I keep ominously hinting at and we're almost there just hold on, but there are changes either stylistically or just for compressions sake. It's why I tilt my head at reviews that said he was overly reverent to the graphic novel. I agree he could've used a touch more of his own take.. but Snyder still put his own spin on it and his own style. There's some bits of his trademark slowmo and some quick pans and he does brilliantly find ways to incorporate scenes into motion. The opening scene of the comic is a great example of this, as he somehow manage to pan up in the exact same way David Gibbons does while accounting for having to show EVERY frame going from the street to the Comedian's penthouse.

There are some goofy touches, for some reason he thought adding whipcrack sound effects to some fight scenes was neat, likely to parody it being used in 80's and 90's superhero films, which Watchmen takes some style cues from, but it jus tdosen't mesh when said scenes are played dead serious. This is a deconstruction, not a parody and there's a fine line between the two.

Out of his personal style touches my faviorite is easily his use of music. While there are only a handful of sequences, Snyder picked his soundtrack masterfully. It's nothing but the hits but often used in ways that help play off the scene beautifully or create just the right dissonance.

The first and best example of this is the Times They are a Changin scene. Even people who don't like the film admit this scene slaps and for good reason. It's easily one of the best openings in any superhero film ever if not THE best. In just a few minutes of montage, nicely set to one of the iconic songs of the 60's (not a huge Dylan fan myself but I can't deny this song rocks), it takes you through both ages of superheroes easily, gives you all the exposition the film couldn't thanks to Under the Hood being something they couldn't fit in easily (Maybe a tv movie or something but it would've come off obvious to me), and just looks gorgeous: it breaks down the triumphant rise and tragic fall of the minutemen, the hope of the new era of supermen and it's sad fall beautifully. The imagery just does not leave your brain and it's easily a beautiful little mini movie in it's own right. While the film is still good after this, it's easily the best part of it, kind of like how Up's intro is easily it's best part too for similar reasons but the rest is still fantastic.

That said, the next sequence with this.. is no slouch. The Vietnam flashback with ride of the valyrkyes, as Dr. Manhattan looms over the Vietcong and explodes anyone in his path, is masterful, taking an already great one panel image from the comic and IMPROVING on it. Seeing him in motion really sets in the dread of this giant, looming all powerful godlike figure coming towards you and you can do nothing to stop him and really helps set in the scope of manhattan. I also noticed when writing this section that Manhattan has a nice motif of classical music, to establish a timeless feel, using Phillip Glass' music to really set things in motion.

Dan's sequence is no slouch though, as it amazingly uses the funk classic "i'm your boogie man", and is part of why I love that song so much. It both nicely contrasts with the protest going on.. and nicely matches to Comedian horribly responding to it by violently beating up the protestors. Granted said protestors are pro police, which is especially odd given some are POC.. but I write this off as Snyder, like many of us white dumbasses, not fully grasping the history of police violence on people of color at the time. It's not great in hindsight but I can't say many knew much better and he still shows off that someone with undue power and no checks and balances, i.e. the Comedian, going into a crowd and wailing on them is as horrible as it should be seen.

Then we get a long break, just one sequence with Manhattan i'll talk a bit more about later, before we get the next one.. which stuck out in my mind for the wrong reasons and I was ready to give Zack Snyder all the shit for.. till I learned out why he did it. If you've seen the film you know and if not.. the film takes Dan and Laurie's sex scene.. and make sit into… an over the top, in tense and gratuitous as fuck sex scene.

It's just so ludicrious, so unecessary, so out of nowhere it's parody.. and that… was ex-zactly the point. Yeah turns out Zack Snyder did not ask for this scene, the crew did not ask for this scene and i'm pretty sure Dan Steven and Malin Akerman did not ask for this scene. No one wanted to do this except the executives, who demanded

So Zack pulled a Sean Micheals and decided to give it to them in the goofiest, dumbest, most over the top way possible. It's likely why EVERY movement dan makes seems to make laurie orgasm. Akerman was likely in on the joke, and I salute her for it. Like if your forced to do a gross fanservice sex scene, you might as well make it hilarious and honestly the sequence is: you've got Hallujeah blaring over it, Malin going 80 times over the top, dan stevens just .. rolling with it and the gloriously stupid finish when Laurie climaxes as she hits the flamethrower button. The Silk Spectre has a FLAMING orgasm that is seen by ongoers in the night sky. I.. I can't even add to that. I didn't know Zack Snyder could make a funny but here we are. Good on him.

The last music sequence is a classic and a pretty obvious drop… like while all the songs are pretty well known in a song called the watchmen that pulls heavily from the 70's and 60's to evoke a sense of nostalgia a lot of the characters clearly have… All Along The Watchtower was a perfect pick. It's how I first heard the song and it is fucking dynamite and setting it to Dan and Rorschach's descent into the artic.. fucking perfect.

We get two more songs in the credits. The first is an awesome cover of Desolation Row by My Chemical Romance. I loved them since hearing Danger Day and love Gerard Way's awesome comics work after MCR, so I do like the song.. but it's also a touch too modern to really fit with the film. It was clearly made because the studio wanted a soundtrack tie in.. but it's also very hard to hate because it's so awesome and the first issue's title directly references this song.

The other is We'll Take Manhattan, which I feel was likely Snyder's first choice and is a nice cheeky nod to the horrors that just happened.

Okay so now we've cued the music , let's talk about another change.. one i've been omniously hinting at all film and one where I can't help quoting a certain critic I admire's theme song

They Made Watchmen Without the Slimy Squid

Yeah out of all the changes, one bit of casting, and other various things… this is the single most divisive part of the film. See most of the plot and even the ending is the same: Nite Owl and Rorshach find out Adrian was behind it, confront him at his arctic fortress, and while him kicking their asses is mostly omitted, it's for a good reason we'll get to, and while they plan to not let him do it but..

And thus his plan goes off and while Dr. Manhattan also confronts him, ultimately our heroes are forced to back down for the sake of the world. The big diffrence is WHAT the plan was. See when the Hayter script was made .. it was intended for 2003, complete with a screen test. This was two years after 9/11 so showing what was likely minutes of bloody bodies lying in the streets of new york after an attack.. was something they really coudln't do. They coudln't drop NYC either as it's grimy 80's exterior is as much a character as our heroes. So he came up with something else that made it all the way here.

So instead of Dr. Manhattan having harnessed his power to change the world, he's just getting to it as the film is in progress and is working with Adrian, who goes from a psychic alien attack.. the much simpler plan of using his energy to simulate Dr. Manhattan attacking the world, still giving humanity a common enemy.

Now while I like the squid sequence.. I get why a change had to happen. Even in 2009 9/11 was still fresh in minds. It was likely hard enough getting just dr. manhattan exploding people through. And besides just being sensitive to a reall life tragedy by making things more fantastical… the Squid thing is convoluted as fuck. Like Adrian does lay it out… but it requires a psychic's brain, kidnapping scientists and artists, and genetically cloning it into a squid. It's a BRILLIANT scheme, as it was made to be as believable as possible, and I love it dearly.. but when your trying to streamline an already beefy narrative to fit three hours, it's a LOT to unpack and something not everyone might get and understandably so. I even missed the whole psychic part till adrian brought it up. It has that many moving pieces.

You also have to remember this was pre-guardians of the galaxy. Studios were very gunshy about weird shit and they'd already let the naked blue man hanging dong pass inspection. Zack and Hayter likely didn't want to push it too far. So changing it from the slimy squid while sad.. was necessary.

That said the replacement.. just dosen't work for me. I get using Dr. Manhattan.. but how he pulled it off just raises a LOT of questions and leaves a hell of a lot more holes that could be traced back to him than in the original verison. For one thing the project wasn't some secret project on a remote island and then the arctic but a HIGHLY public clean energy project. I'm not sure they knew manhattan was powering it, but a bunch of scinetests going mising from that suddenly.. isn't going to go away forever. I mean sure Adrian can probbaly bury it with his money, but iwth the journal, there's every chance someone might look into it. Now i'm sure Nixon and later Regan after him would likely gladly shoot anyone who questioned this for world peace.. but i'm also sure someone could leak it eventually.

In the comic.. part of why Adrian won besides assuring world peace.. is he covered his tracks emacuatley: Everyone went missing long before he killed them, he could always fake bodies if needed given his genetic engineering and the squid was so convincingly alien, no one would really THINK to investigate something else. I do get Dr. Manhattan is so throughly. .not human it's supposed to be the same principal, but i'm also not convinced someone wouldn't buy the continence of it.

Not only that is trips away the ambigiutiy of Adrian getting caught as if he does.. Jon could just show up, go ooga booga and confirm the plan. It wipes away any chance of him blowing this away. Unless Jon intentionally lets Vedit hang out to dry, which dosen't seem likely, he gets away completely. It just.. dosen't work for me. I get what they were trying to do but it just dosen't add up.

There's one other adjustment to the ending, but this one I like: LIke the comic everyone but Rorshach agrees to keep quiet but for one thing it's even clearer Dan and Laurie aren't on board with this. We also get a nice adjustment to Rorshach's death as Dan follows.. and sees it happen… crying for his death. Even if Rorshach wasn't a great perosn.. he was still his friend and didn't deserve to die like this. While I like dhis lonely death in the comics.. this still works.

The part I like the most though.. is Dan storming in afterword's and beating the shit out of Adrian. Adrian dosen't fight back and it's left ambiguous: Does he feel guilty or is he just patronizing him like a father whose child is having a tantrum. It's what Dan says though that I really love

"You haven't idealized mankind, but you've deformed it, mutilated it.. that's your legacy.. that's the real practical joke".

Just Dan, tears down his face, knowing he can't get the justice that's required.. but not being content to just.. let Adrian smugly step away. He's given humanity utopia but before marred it with it's cost and will forever carry that burden as he damn well should. It's not QUITE as satisfying as "nothing ever ends".. but it still works with Vedit left just as stunned wondering if he really won. Which nicely brings us to

Under the Hood:

While snyder brought the core of the story well enough to screen, his character work was a bit more.. mixed. Some actors soared, others fell, and some were just let down by the script

We'll start with the character both most prominently used in marketing and whose often see as the franchises mascot, Rorshach. Jackie Earle Haley's performance.. is stunning, it's absolutely perfect to screen, having a nice gruff batman-esque tone that still sounds coarser more tired, and perfectly growly. It fits his uncomoromising mindset, blunt nature and perfectly captures that Rorshach needs help more than he needs to be murdering people. Haley PERFECTLY captures the character, and while he spends most of the film under a mask, he emotes greatly. He also BEAUTIFULLY excutes one of the best scenes of a comic, Rorshach's death. His response is growly.. but when taking off the mask.. he looks utterly destroyed at first, nicely replicating the crying and the fact that despite being so resolute.. even rorshach is sad not only is he passing.. but that a horrible man has gotten away with everything and his scream of "Do it!" is just.. perfect.

Writing wise however.. it's a mixed bag. Hayley does a lot of the heavy lifting.. but a lot of Rorshach's character and backstory was cut. We see flecks of it in his psychological examination but the darkness of mere being itself.. is largely cut out of the film. Malcom Long gets nothing of an arc, a huge shame given he was the only POC character of note in the piece (something Snyder could've rectified and didn't), while the context for Rorshach's fall is mostly gone. The change to what he does to the villain works, having been switched from the saw like handcuffs for understandable reasons ot him savagely meat cleaving the guy, but the slow slide from a man with a tragic past being a vigilante to a man who badly needs a therapist but is so far gone he can't accept the help he needs. .is gone and it takes weight for the character. A lot of what makes Rorshach so neat is gone.

Also gone.. are his right wing leanings. While his opening monologue his kept his homophobia, sexism and general other unpleasantness. This is a double edge sword.. on one hand it makes him more likeable.. but on the other hand it robs the ending of some of it's punch as even if Rorschach sucks.. the fact he's throughly RIGHT hit hit harder coming from someone so often wrong and his right wing fanaticism makes it less obvious if his words will carry weight givfen his various prejudices. The character only still works so well.. because Haley does such a phenomenal job in the roll that the various sanded off edges don't come off as bad as they should. He's just so good and so perfectly cast it helps. It's still not the strongest version of Rorschach, but damn if it isn't memorable.

Less well translated is Dr. Manhattan, who I feel gets the shaft despite his sticking out. I mean at least he probablyg ot some nice resduals form his condoms

Yeah while I feel bad people often overly focus on the character hanging dong, as the whole poitn of that is that he is so far beyond human concerns he dosen't evne care he's hanging dong anymore, I can't knock dc for having a perfect tie in with that.

Look dick jokes aside Dr. Manhattan's representation is really spotty. Some moments are translated perfectly: the aforementioned ride of the valyrkye scene, his spotlight with Watchmaker which shockingly shows off his sense of time despite being portrayed in a fraction of it, and his ending return as a giant blue man.

But a good chunk of his scenes are muted. Part of this is on Billy Crudup. He tries his best.. but ultimately just HOW good he is at portraying a detached godlike being.. varies on the scene. Sometimes he sounds perfectly alien and emotionless.. and other times he sounds like he's just.. bored. The latter just dosen't really work.. I mean sure he's lived through all of this but part of the characters mistique is he's often very hard to read. He also stumbles on the time he is, still coming off emotionless during his ephinany about Laurie or , most damingly when shouting for everyone to leave. Crudup just coudln't figure out the righ totne to match the scnee sand the character dosen't come off well.

Writing wise he's mostly fine.. but the Mars bit is completely botched. Like out of all the stuff the film adapts it's easily the issue that is done the absolute worst. See in the comics it looks like this

Nice crystaline but still pink and otherworldly. Easy enough toa dapt for some reason…. Zack Snyder went with..t his

yeah not only does mars look crappier as while ti's more realistic it's also all brown and muted, taking away a lot of the planets haunting majesty from the comic, but the palace for some reason is entirely made of glass, and cgi.. and as a result it looks REALLY bad. LIke I get using CG, I do, and Manhattan himself is an amazing effect. They got him to screen beauituflly, hanging dong and all. But this is just.. I can't tell if it was just the tightly stretched budget or terrible design choices but it just looks ugly and the scene is so cut down in the theatrical cut it just drains the whole phislocpiacal argument between Manhattan and Laurie. It's just..awful and when you cut a characters best scene down to ribbons he's bound to not come off great. Manhattan looks great but just.. feels souless

So speaking of laurie, stop me if you've heard this one: They cut out most of her backstory. Yeah that's a problem with the film as a whole: I get having to streamline things but not finding some way to intergrate the backstories as well damaged most of the cast. With Laurie it's especially bad as the pressure form her mother, the strained relationship and her painful history are all either underplayed or in the latter case gone entirely. Most of what character she did have is gone.

There is a TINY bit of good as she no longer breaks out into hysterics over most thing, an unfortunate trait I noticed that I don't think Moore or Gibbons thought through for you know, one of only two major female characters in the piece, and the other.. is defined ENTIRELY by nearly being raped then having sex with her rapist so not too good on either account.

That said they replace it with

Malin Ackerman tries her best, but even she admitted that she regretted taking the role, citing it was out of her comfort zone and being the only none shakesphere experinced one in the group and the work's importance, got a bad case of imposter syndrome. I just feel bad for her and her feeling out of her depth shows in her performace. it feels stilted like she dosen't know what to do.. and it's one of the times I blame the acting on Snyder himself. Sometimes acting can be bad direction but not helping an actor whose clearly struggling and not having the good sense to give her way more to work with and an actual character.. that's on him. He had no probelm adjusting the script when needed, so laurie coming out this underbaked is inexcusable. The fact she comes off more as a sex object thanks to her outfit and sex scene without having any AGENCY in said sexuality does not help.

WE then have Dan.. and he may be the only one tha'ts a full on improvement. Patcik Wilson is perfect in the part, not only looking exactly like dan but playing him well: he comes off just a touch more confident.. but not so much he isn't still the insecure, withdrawn nerd the story needs him to be. HE's still a painfully shy man, but he not only has a closer friendship with adrian that helps give him more to do in the plot, and more reason why he's more doubtful he's behind it at first, it also makes Adrian's actions hit harder. IN the comic it wasnt' clear if Adrian was all that close to any of his collegeues. Here the betryal feels personal. He also has great chemistry with ackerman. Wilson is the mvp of the film. And like I said he dosen't just sorta.. collapse and go along with the plan at the end, but is actively spiteful about having to and leaves Adrian devistated. This is easily the better version of dan, and it's likely because unlike the others we didn't get a ton of his backstory, so we only gain more of him instead of loosing a lot.

We then have our mastermind Ozymandis and he's done.. fine. Goode dosen't look the most like him, but did put a lot of effort into the roll. Granted he also infamously told people against his casting "Suck my dick because I don't give a fuck"

But he still did his best and I support his casting: he dosen't look like the superman of the books but more gaunt.. yet he does in the past, giving the feeling the weight of his actions and what has happened has worn on him. While he puts on the cold vener of detachment he dosen't have the smug ego. It makes the character diffrent.. but not in ab ad way, coming off as someone who is doing the grim work necesary to save the world instead of a smug egotist who thinks he's the only one who can. Neither is a good person, but both versions ar eintresting. Admitely Goode slips in an out of an accent but it came from the good idea of having Adrian be german and hide his accent in public to blend in more, as well as distance himself from his nazi parents. I wish this was more texual than just something he thought of but poitns for effort

Finally for the main cast we have our boogie man himself, The COmedian. Along with Stevens and Haley, Dean Morgan not only perfectly matches the role in apperance.. but just ooze sinto it. And since we get his full backstory bit, he's one of the few not as badly marred. The only issue I have is changing his attempted rape to have him be older: him being young and still trying to do something his awful signified that he'd ALWAYS been this cynical, selfish asshat and age only made him worse. The roll was a departure for Morgan who was best known for Grey's Anatomy at the time, but nicely blended into the roll and I wouldn't be shocked if, while not having seen him in wlaking dead, this roll landed him negan as I have read the comic version and the two characters are just similar enough for it to be perfect casting. Ther'es not a lot to say about the comedian I havne't in the comics reviews, Morgan is just perfec tin the roll and desreves more love as an actor.

Finally we have the only two minute men of consequences. Stephen McHattie does a great job as hollis mason though sadly his best scene was cut out of the film, as his death was done BETTER in the extended cut, which I almost reviewed but decided for KEv's wallet and times skae not to. It shows Hollis going down swining, imagining the top knot's as his foes. IT's a great death and I wish it'd been kept in.

Carl Gugino does great as Sally and while she dosen't get many scenes, she is great and I like adding a line about Sally having not regretted her one night stand with Eddie because of wha tit gave her, making her reconcilation with her daughter feel way more plausable.

So with that we just have a few odds and end to

The Cutting Room Floor

As you can probably guess the film exercised a lot. in addition to the various backstories, under the hood and tons of other stuff, pretty much every subplot is excised; The Newspaper Man, the kid with him, Malcom Long, the Lesbians, everyone is gone. The newspaperman and malcom long are unfortunate and it's asd to see them go.. the lesbians not so much as their subplot came off untiotnally homophobic. They also removed mustache cop and you can just imagine my reactoin

Most cuts are understandable. And with that

The Clock Strikes one

So overall Watchmen is a decent film: It has visual flair, some decent aditions, and cast that mostly tries their best even when some aren't given a lot. Is it a GREAT superhero film? Honestly.. no. The cut portions mute the story a bit and Gilliam was likely right that a mini series was a better fit, not to mention there's some tarnish of the time with the executive mandated sex scene and general poor writing for laurie as well as that freaking mars cgi. It's far from a perfect film.. but I still maintain it's pretty good and I still enjoyed it. It's not the best adaptation of the work.. but it's the best it could be within the time, budget and paramenters given and it's a clear labor of love. It's clear Snyder loved watchmen and while he amde some changes, he did his best to get the spirit of it down on film. THe result is a real treat if your a fan of the graphic novel or just a superhero fan in general and if your a fan of snyders, you'll likely enjoy this even more than his justice league works. Doubly if your not a fan. So check it out, it's on HBO max and.. thanks for reading all this way. This has been a decent retrospective and one of th ebiggest and most ambitious project si've done.. But it's time to put away the doomsday clock, let it chime to one in storage.. and stop watching the watchmen. It's been a long road but now.. I rest. See you in the new year.