#(also ive been a but nervous writing these because i am not fat and i was scared this might offend someone because well it is fetishism

[rkvils]

Crewel likes to dress you up in the fanciest, form fitting close he can, and then serve you up the most beautiful huge dinner he can.

OH MY GOD WAIT CREWEL BEING I TO FEEDING IS ACTUALLY SOBASHDHW please he treats you like his little doll he spoils you wayy to much and you'd feel guilty for it if he didn't immediately shut off those thoughts with a breathtaking kiss and praise as he encourages you to eat to your heart's content

[daftpatience]

got a cane cus my booba so huge that theyre uhh making my spine bad

i talk abt my booba hurting my bones under the cut

so! im currently a 40 M and my breasts weigh over 12lbs! this means my back hurts a LOT. all the time. i wanna go over how this affects my body cus i bet some folks would find it interesting and i like talking about myself lol

ive had xrays of my spine and it’s pinched in the mid back area because i lean backwards a bit when standing to counterbalance the weight of my breasts. my hips are also extremely tight in a weird area that’s hard to relieve. the pinch in my spine and my fucked up hips are from my body trying to compensate for the weight of my breasts.

if i don’t wear a bra, all the strain feels as though it’s in my neck and i get really bad headaches radiating from there up through my head, every day. i cannot do any tasks that require me to stand with my arms out for any length of time (like doing dishes) because the pain in my upper back gets unbearable instantly!

if i do wear a bra (and i only wear ones without underwires), the neck pain is gone but it all relocates to my shoulders. i’m able to do more physical activities, but it gets really irritated under my breasts and the buildup of pain on my shoulders becomes unbearable over time.

when i’m sitting my breasts also pull me down into a hunch, and it’s difficult and painful to sit up straight. i also can’t bend over to pick up things. it hurts less to crouch than to bend from the hip, but still hurts. my family’s also got some genetic shitty knee thing that i should really get looked at so my knees like to give out on me a lot. i get this not-so-often blindingly sharp pain in one knee if i stand up from crouching! aaa. i almost forgot about that while writing this.

due to all that, after a few hours of walking, lifting, or anything that’s physical, i end up in serious hip/back pain at the end of the day. i do what i can to help recover, i use cold packs and painkillers, but i’ve often lost sleep from the pain. there isn’t much i can do for a job if i can’t bend over :( sometimes i’m bedridden for a whole day or more from this. its been this way for a good three years or more? i can’t remember that well!

cue the cane: helps me bend over! i was surprised that it also helps me walk around as i wasnt expecting it to do much for me, but i feel like i have a lot more energy since getting it AND i havent gotten out of bed in excruciating pain once since ive been conscious about not bending over without the cane! im flabbergasted and happy. i should have gotten one a long time ago. i’m also nervous that i’m visibly disabled - i’m fat and gnc so the amount of people that are gonna see me as a target for isms and phobias just went up. it’s scary to stand up for yourself and your needs.

i wonder if there’s some underlying chronic pain or weakness thing i’m dealing with, cus that’s a lot just from some heavy tits, but we’ll see after they’re gone if my whole body still hurts ;w; most of the bad things seem to radiate from the boob weight. my knees might be another story.

im lucky that where i live breast reductions are free if they're considered medically necessary, and im lucky that my doctor recommended i get one instead of just telling me to lose weight (theyre so disproportionately large that i can’t imagine it would help, plus i like my body size and hate diet culture and medical fatphobia) by god am i chopping these things off of me asap. ive got surgery vaguely in the fall (still need a confirm call from the surgeon)  so everyone wish me luck lol

[mollydollyjournals]

It's March 2nd and I'm 157lbs. I'm on my period so that's partly to blame, but then there's also the fact that I drank quite a bit on Feb 28th, and binged. A lot.

I decided I'm going to try to do 30 days of no alcohol. Or maybe all of March, idk. Given that the last day I drank was the day before march 1st it's kind of nicely rounded off so I'll see. But realistically, it's a really long time for me. I might only make it a week. Who knows. I want to say something to my friends and properly document if and stuff, but I'm afraid of failing. I'm already known for being flaky and not following through. I don't want people to just never take me seriously. I even feel nervous about that here, but I should remember this is literally supposed to be an anonymous blog where I can talk about the stuff that troubles me that I can't talk about elsewhere. Alcohol will also tie into food and weight stuff anyway.

I can't remember what I last said here...I know I said about doing loads of cleaning as a workout, and that I wasn't sure if I should try a higher intake with more exercise seeing as I never actually lose anything. Anyway, that. And also that Im basically permanently on a higher antidepressant dose now, which helps me with my energy levels. I hope it doesn't fuck with my metabolism too much more.

So I bought an A5 ring binder planner thing and I decided to use it as a proper weight loss and food diary. They're so damn expensive - I normally get scrapbooks or sketchbooks and use them as kind of joint planner/journal/sketchbook/whatever, but I wanted something where I could easily rearrange the pages. I love cute stationery so whenever I need to motivate myself to do something it's always good for me to do something decorative.

I think I'm going to base the contents kind of on something like this but I want a different look to it and also some different actual contents. I also won't commit to 90 days because I know I do better with smaller increments, and 30 days is already a lot. Or 31 or whatever. I really love the look of Milkjoy planners but they only make them in A6, and sometimes they have sweets as decorative stuff, which I love but I don't want anything that might make me crave junk food. So I'm staying away from food motifs unless it's lemons or carrots or something.

I'm going to have an initial section with info and stuff to reference, so I'll have a list of meal ideas and their nutritional info, a collection of recipes, a place to write out a weekly meal plan (and maybe make a grocery list? But I tend to use my phone for that irl so maybe I won't bother), and a list of various workouts that I could do. Then something relevant to me like nutritional goals (eg calorie limits, protein etc) and places to record my weight, measurements, body fat, overview stuff like that. Then the daily pages with all the stuff I want to do each day and whether I actually do them, weight, food intake etc. Maybe a recap page at the end of each week.

I'm also tempted to put a thinspo section in my info bit at the front, but to do that I'd have to arrange a load of photos to be printed and actually go print them out. My laptop is kind of dead so it'd have to be from my phone which I don't like doing. But then also if I'm gonna keep doing this sort of planner I'd like to draw myself up some proper graphics to print out so I'd have to print stuff anyway eventually. But then to do that I need my laptop working. Idk.

So. It's really my last chance to make any kind of change before my birthday. I feel like I should just push harder at restriction and stuff, but recent experience tells me that's not working. I kind of have nothing to lose (except 52lbs) by trying something else. The idea is I go for a standard "diet" amount of food, so like in the 1000-1500 range, but I do a lot more exercise. This is kind of what I meant to do when I first started this account, but I'll have more exercise this time. When I started this page all I could do was light cardio (see Reps to the Rhythm on YouTube, he's great for when you can't do intense workouts but want to do something) and light stretches and just all light stuff - now with less alcohol and more Prozac I'm able to do a lot more. At least I hope I still am. Going by the cleaning and stuff I did recently, I think I can start doing more in terms of workouts. Idk. I'll have a base amount of food to eat and only eat more if I start getting too weak or tired to do my workouts - essentially, the priority will be having the energy to exercise, rather than restricting my intake.

This is why staying away from alcohol will tie into it a lot. I'm past bad withdrawals so at this point not drinking will help my energy levels and metabolism etc. Today is the 2nd day since I drank, and I don't feel terrible, which means I haven't made myself really sick again. Thank fuck. I drank too much and I started feeling not great and I was scared I'd fucked up again. Last time it took 2 days for me to get really ill so I've been nervous. But I think I'm past the risk zone now.

I do still feel sick and a bit tired. But I think that's also due to my period. I always feel terrible on my period. I'm going to do what I can but I need to know not to push myself too much. If I do that I get exhausted and have to rest and recover and it ends up worse than if I just stayed gentle with myself. Today Ive put my laundry up to dry and I'll try to do something else again later, idk what. But I'll also keep building my planner. All these bits of advice to myself will go into it. I'll write out all the stuff I've been thinking so that it's all in one place and I don't have to remember it all or go between different sites and pages looking for it. I'll move some things around in my studio and make space for my exercise bike because I think I can start on that again soon, and space for proper upper body workouts. I might even set up a PS2 in the lounge so I can play DDR again. Idc what year it is, that is the best HIIT I've ever done and I miss it and I lost so much weight when I used to play it. So I should build myself up to be able to do loads of exercise and see how my body changes - I know that even if I don't lose weight, I'll look better and less flabby and gross. But we'll see how that all goes.

[fishflakesims]

hii! 💖 If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog! ♥ have a wonderful day!!

aww cute ty 💖

oh dear god i can't put this under a read more I'm so fucking sorry in advance FDFZXXVVV

i have a big furby collection (well it feels big but i know ive seen people on furblr with way more) and all of them are named: daisy, klaus, the rye bread, gurby, bettie & bishop (theyre conjoined twins !!! i had them custom made), mozmin, junior (they're a gizmo furby my sweet sweet friend medic sent me and i call them junior because I named myself after the gremlin!!), duffy, fruit salad, parry (he's one of my doll's furbies tho), and sullychee aka chee chee plus three unnamed ones that look like triplets, an unnamed millennial furby, and two unnamed booms (one of which will be Duffy's wife) all of which i got when my grammy passed. i won't add a million pictures like i want to but here's two: my favorite picture of me with daisy (my first girl 🥺) even tho it's a few years old and a picture of lil giz* with parry, bettie, and bishop

*they're named lil giz coz i gave them to grammy when she was dying so she could think of me coz minus the blue eyes it looks like me when i was little plus they're in my favorite color! i am not just fat headed i promise bgdfdgv

2. the author that's inspired me most (unfortunately) (i say that because she's homophobic and threw a shitfit about people shipping dally & johnny but sorry luv not my fault two-bit was the only cishet character) was s.e. hinton! especially "the outsiders" like we started reading it in class in 6th grade but we weren't reading it fast enough so i went out and got my own copy to read GDFXXCCVVNN also the movie is my favorite book adaption literally ever !!! but SPECIFICALLY the 25th anniversary addition with the new soundtrack and all the deleted scenes added back in! i still have the first line of the book/movie memorized plus "the outsiders" are what got me into the greaser look & dudes that look like they just got out of a fight so u know for a homophobe Susan sure did shape my fruitiness. (this was gonna be more about my writing style than what it turned out to be but i got distracted bc i love the outsiders so much you guys oh my god)

3. I've been best friends with winter since second grade so it's been about sixteen years? apparently we met when i accused him of being a vampire (i don't remember that but it sounds an awful lot like something i would do plus i DO remember a picture book of different kinds of vampires in the school library) but we've only been dating for nearly 4 years (an actual 4th year this December 29 🤧💗💗💗) because i was oblivious and he's a nervous wreck so he was too afraid for awhile to do anything but then one day i start getting these anons in my inbox with all these cheesy pick up lines. and like if we're being honest i knew it was him from literally the second anon going on but i was like "u know jic i won't say anything yet" but the more he kept flirting with me on anon the more obvious it was so i talked to my friend at the time about it and she said i should give it a try because she noticed I'm more of myself around winter so then i messaged winter going "hey was this u?" and then winter was like "......maybe 😳" and then we decided we were gonna date and now we're in love and I'm gonna adopt 3 kids with him and cook meals for the family and take care of the kids and he can help me tend to my pot plants & herb garden and we can collect toys & bongs & have a few farm animals also we're gonna have matching hair colors for our wedding one day and we wanna go on a honeymoon to disneyworld 🥺

[weiqiankun-blog]

beauty you hold.

female reader x mark lee 

pretty frickin soft 

my first piece of writing so i do hope you enjoy reading it 

3k ish

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You'll admit, working at a coffee shop had it's quirks but there were just sometimes when all you wanted to do was go home and just sleep cause after all you were an exhausted college student and lets just say times were...tough sometimes. You've been working at your local coffee shop for awhile now and youve made friends with the other workers keeping in mind that theyre all quite older than you but atleast you have one close friend who works with you, this of course being one of your bestfriend's yuta. When you first met yuta, you kinda thought he was a pushover and a bit too bossy (or atleats thats what you said to him when you were explaining why you didnt approach him when you guys first met but actually it was only cause you were too scared). But ANYWAY, you were first to start working at the coffee shop, its name being 'Euphoria Cafe' and once you saw the help wanted sign through the window you were probably the first to apply cause you loved that place. Need a place to study? Euphoria, Need a place to relax? Euphoria, Need a place to sometimes see a few cute boys from time to time?... Euphoria (hotel?trivago (sorry i just had to)) so yeah. you got the job obviously and it was difficult at first to get used to how to use all the machines and everything but eventually you got the hang of it. And this is when your (not yet) best friend yuta comes waltzing in as the newly hired worker and you were kinda nervous cause yeah sure you're good with making friends but that doesn’t change that fact that you're terrified of embarrassing yourself especially in front of someone you found intimating.

So your first day together was awkward to say the least, there were many glances on both ends and all you guys said to each other were hi's, sorry's, here ya go's, and bye's when you guys left eventually. The next day it was like something snapped inside of you and you were having a really good day and you were just happy for ledgit no reason but when you're in moods like this, you kind of forget how to act around people or not forget but it's just a lot more free? So when you come into work you see yuta just getting in as well, and out of nowhere you just shouted, " hey yuta!!! how's your day been, excited for work?!" and the shock on his face was priceless and he just turned around and said, "oh, hey y/n, its been good and yeah i guess you could say i am", and to be honest you were kinda surprised he knew your name cause you guys literally never talked before yesterday and today was the first actual conversation you guys were having so naturally you asked, " oh woah, you know my name?", " well yeah, you know my name so...", "good point good point". And that was the start of a beautiful friendship, you guys grew really close and pretty fast and what surprised you the most was how jokingly flirtatious he got and it was definitely a joke cause at this point in your friendship you guys have seen TOO MUCH (dont be weird not like that) of each other to catch any feelings. You guys came to work together almost every day with him basically clinging onto you cause he needs affection and you obviously giving him it cause um who could resist. So yeah life was nice other than the crazy amount of work you had to do for college but OTHER THAN THAT just great :(.

Well anyway (yes this is a mark fluff just waittt) after  few months of working there another employee joined and you recognized him almost instantly, he was in almost all of your classes but you guys barely talked, actually you guys only talked when you were forced to (partnered up and stuff). He wasnt in your shift but you always saw him leaving when you and yuta coming in. Eventually, mid-term break came along and yeah you were excited as hell but yuta was leaving to back to his hometown in japan so you would be pretty lonely. But then... you come into work one day not really being aware of your surroundings because you were too absorbed in your music but then when you walk in you see mark behind the counter not looking ready to leave at all so you said, "oh hi mark" (get the reference?) clear confusion coming out with your words and mark acknowledged it so he replied, " hey y/n, oh i asked if i could change my shift time because this works better for me so youll be seeing me for a while haha", " oh okay then i look forward to working with you", you say while nodding your head slightly. so mark right, you always liked him, not like crush sense but you thought he was cool you guess, and theres no denying that he was pretty cute but you never even had the idea of liking him until one day. So you come into work and suprisingly mark's not there he was usually early but you just thought oh he probably had something to do and didnt really care (#sorrynotsorry) but then in comes an extremely disheveled looking mark with messy hair and ripped jeans and a hoodie on and you were concerned to say the least. Thankfully no customers were in the shop yet and mark just runs to the counter panting and you genuinely think someone's been chasing him but he later explains he woke up like 2 minutes before he came to the coffee shop cause his phone ran out of battery hence alarm=nonexistent basically. That day you had a lot of customers and since you guys had to stay the entire day by the end of the day you were exhausted. When it was about an hour to closing mark just went on his break and it was just you in the shop because he just went for a walk which he regularly does for his break, something you noticed. but there werent many customers so you were okay but when you turned around to the register you saw a pink post-it saying: stay back today for a bit?. you already know mark wanted to just relax after work today and you guys had stayed back after work sometimes and you enjoyed it so you smiled and continued with the order for the customer. eventually he came back and you smiled and nodded and he smiled back and that just made you smile harder. so the day was finally over and you went to sit infront of the counter and took off your apron while mark was busy making something that you figured was his but when he was done you realized he had two drinks in his hand one being your favourite, a hot chocolate and one a berry smoothie. He placed the hot chocolate infront of you and you were like huh? and he said, “you drink this practically whenever you have the chance anyone would know it's your favourite". your heart kinda fluttered but you were like gurl dont be dumb staph but that didnt really stop much. you guys moved to the sofa after grabbing a few snacks (this was the main perk of getting the end shift cause you could stay back). You guys were facing each other and the windows were all still open blowing chilling air in and although you loved it you were cold and being the dumb one you are you forgot to bring a jacket so you shivered but you were fine after you closed the windows or so you thought for like two seconds and then you were like yeah no i be cold. "so care to explain why you came in looking like a wreck today" "so are you implying that i look good every other day" " well im not denying it.." you were always quite flirty with everyone unintentionally (sometimes intentionally) but mark kinda got used to it " i just slept really late yesterday and today wasnt the best" "i can tell but hey whats up?" "eh just stuff" "oh also ive been meaning to ask how long are you going to be working this shift?" "oh you want me to stay i see" "please, if anything the opposite" "mhmmm sure" he says with a smug look on his face, "well until your boyfriend comes back" you spat out your drink," my boyfriend?!" confusion was plastered on marks face and he said" yeah the guy you were working with before i came, yuta i think his name was?" you genuinely couldnt stop laughing until you eventually explained that he was just a bestfriend and you noticed a look of relief on his face? but pushed it aside. suddenly mark just got up and went to the back where you heard rummaging. after a few minutes mark came back with a t-shirt on and his hoodie in his hand. He threw over to you "stop shivering and wear this" he says he sat next to you this time causing you heart to basically jump out of your chest he wasnt that close or anything just him being kind. you mumbled a thanks. after a few moments of silence mark asked " so do you have a boyfriend?" "no you?" "nah. hey wanna lock up and just walk" you were actually glad he asked cause you were kinda tired of being in the cafe for this long and you thankfully nodded ---- you guys walked to a nearby park just talking about literally anything that came to your mind at this point you guys were pretty close and both of you guys knew things about each other that a lot of people dont, irrelevant and meaningful, like he knows that you only like the ends of those soda gummies cause apparently then have the most taste, but he argues that it all tastes the same, that doesnt stop him from eating the other end when you dont want it though, and you know that whenever hes stressed the only thing he wants to do is talk to someone he trusts and you were the same that way. as you were walking you werent really focusing on anything cause your heart was kinda all over the place cause youve officially developed a big fat crush on this idiot and you knew he didnt feel the same but then you being so absent minded caused you to trip and almost instantly mark grabbed your hand to stop you from falling over and you just started laughing while mark asked you if you were okay. you guys continued to walk in silence with the howling wind filling the air, although you guys were nothing you couldnt ask for more in this moment. you were reaching for your phone when you realized mark was still holding your hand you just stopped walking and froze staring at your hands clasped together (they werent intertwined but just holding ya get?) and obviously every force has an equal and opposite Reaction (its SciEnTifiC oKaY) so since you stopped walking and you were connected to mark he kinda was pulled back and this is when you noticed how red his face was and that surprised you but at the same time youre sure you were too (but like im brown so you wouldnt even be able to tell ay ay) "you only noticed i was holding your hand this entire time now?" "uh.. well.. ummm-" "sorry do you want me t-" he said as he started letting go "no no its fine i was just surprised thats all" and you guys continue walking except now your fingers are intertwined and your heart beating double time. you truly liked mark for his personality, for the way he made you laugh, the way he made you feel, the way he treated you, you really liked him. you guys found a a green patch that was pretty empty and decided to sit. mark was pretty sleepy so he asked if he could put his head on your lap and you said sure. it was pretty late at night but you werent scared if anything you felt safe and happy. mark did that to you and as you looked down at his face you truly realized how beautiful he was. his skin was so smooth and the fluorescent lights along the park were reflecting on his round glasses that shaped his face perfectly. you then hesitated before taking his glasses off cause you noticed he takes them off whenever hes tired so you just wanted him to feel comfortable. he opened his eyes at that and looked straight into your eyes, his eyes truly glimmered in the light as if they were shining stars of their own but what you didnt know is that those same eyes have been staring at you all night admiring your beauty and presence. you give him a slight smile and he does the same before shutting his eyes once again. you kinda wished he didnt because you wanted to stare into his eyes for more but atleast he was getting rest. this is when you decided to play some music. it was calm and relaxing and always helped when you were feeling stressed and you could tell mark was for whatever reason cause he refuses to tell you and since music was such a huge part of your life you hoped it would help him too. you started singing along lowly and not to brag or anything but your voice wasnt half bad, after all you were a music major and one of the instruments you play was your throat so you sounded pretty nice and mark seemed to agree with this cause he then reached for your phone and paused the music to say, " i like your voice better" and you being way too scared to sing infront of him refused but eventually he convinced you by saying he would sing as well which he did and you guys sounded nice.

after staying for a bit longer you decided it was time to go home so you told mark to get up and he obliged. he held his hand out for you and even after helping you up he continued to hold it. he insisted on dropping you off to your dorm which hes visited before to watch a movie or two but thats all. on your way back you asked him, "mark are you sure you dont want to talk about whats stressing you out?" "no its okay really, thanks for caring" he replied "anytime and if you change your mind just call me okay?" he nodded you guys reached your house by now and mark with such sincerity in his voice said" thanks for today, really" "we do this almost every week what are you talking about" " i know but just thank you for being you" he says while staring admirably at your face "look mark, well first you know im always here even if we arent working the same shift anymore im glad we became as close as we are now cause i truly cant imagine my life without you and yeah i know its really cheesy but its true but most importantly you need to stop beating yourself up whenever you mess up. youre human and we tend to make mistakes sometimes and thats fine because i know you mark and i know at the end of the day you’re going to be an amazing dancer and youll be great at whatever you want to do so i dont know whats bothering you but whatever it is i know you can overcome it so just keep your head up high and be strong but dont be afraid to talk to people about it. and mark, im just saying all this cause i care abo-" interrupting what you were saying mark comes closer and kisses you. His lips were warm contradicting the the cold weather and one of his hands was around your waist ever so gently pulling you closer to him while the other was on your neck gently caressing it. his lips were so gentle yet so passionate as if you could feel all of his emotions, your eyes were closed and your hands were around his neck and then your fingers ran through his hair. you dont even know how long the kiss went on but you had to pull away cause you were out of breath. Your foreheads were against each other and noses almost touching his eyes were closed and he mumbled under his breath " thank you, thank you so much. thank you for being the person you are and for making me feel the way i feel. every time i see you im so mesmerized by the amount of beauty you can hold. everything you do makes my heart beat faster and im just so glad that youre in my life and im really sorry if you dont feel the same ill act like this never happened if you want me to but i really like you and i have for a long while and i just want to compliment you everytime i see you and hold your hand and kiss you to show you how much i appreciate you and god y/n you make me feel things i dont think ive ever felt befo-" "mark..." you say moving your head to look a him, he hesitantly opens his eyes expecting a rejection "i like you too" you say before giving him a deep but quick kiss and after that he lift you up and hugs you and start cheering almost about how happy he is. And that was the start of your relationship with mark lee <3

3:00 AM 1/24/2019 (this is when I wrote this can you frickin believe wow welp.. that was it)

[toast-tit]

Piano Man

Chapter Eight

mob!Tom x reader

Warnings: language, violence

A/N: Thank god this is the last chapter holy shit. I liked writing this but ngl there was no outline so I was pulling everything out of my ass and it shows lol. Anywho...I’ll probably have something else within the next few weeks or if any of you guys have any requests I’ll take them.

Summary: The Ecclesiastes Pub catered to a plethora of people. Prostitutes, college students, successful businessmen and London’s most wanted. Bartenders and waitresses learned to tune out conversations from their customers quickly if they wanted to keep their head. However, people will still come looking for trouble, even if that trouble revolves around Tom Holland, the most feared mob boss around.

~ ~ ~

I woke up to the faint beeping of the heart monitor, signifying the fact that I was still alive. Blinking rapidly, I tried to get ahold of my surroundings until I realized I was in the hospital. Beside me were two large vases of flowers and some other gifts and the walls were a blinding white that I had no desire to see ever again. I sat up and groaned at the pain, wishing there was more morphine in my system.

To my right, Harrison was on his phone, tapping his foot obnoxiously. “Can you please stop doing that?” I croaked and his head shot up, clearly surprised that I was awake. “Holy fuck, you’re up,” he was breathless and stood up, about to rush out of the door and when I told him to stay.

“I need to tell Tom, Y/N,” he argued, but I shook my head. “I have questions,” I began to stutter around the last word, more or less because I was exhausted and would kill a man to go back to sleep. Harrison shook his head and shrugged, “Tom knows a lot more than I do. Let me get him.”

Harrison called Tom’s name and I heard shoes clang against the tile of the hospital, almost like he was running. Tom came into the room and his eyes widened at the fact that I was moving and awake. “Y/N,” his voice was barely audible. Before he came in, I figured I wouldn’t feel anything, it would just be him being concerned and whatnot, but I was dead wrong. Seeing his face was like flying; I felt the feeling in my stomach and chest that you get before you fall from a great height. My heart was practically living in my ass currently and my breathing began to quicken and I felt tears coming. It was almost definite by now that I was in love with him.

Tom had a few bruises and scratches on his face, but they looked pretty healed. Nevertheless, he looked fucking hot like that, like a sexy pirate or something. There was a look of concern and happiness plastered on his face and I badly wanted him to hug me, even if it would’ve been painful.

He made his way to my bedside and asked, “How do you feel?” His voice was soft and full of concern. I smiled lopsidedly and moved a little bit, wincing as I did so, “Like I got hit a fucking train. What about you? I see some battle wounds.” I lifted a shaking hand and placed it on his face, my thumb circling over a cut on his lip. He smiled slightly and put his hand over mine, “Nothing as serious as yours. Are you sure you’re fine? You can go back to sleep.”

I shook my head, “No, I have questions.” Tom nodded along, “Okay then, what are they?” “How long was I here, Tom?” I asked him and he put his hand on mine and stroke my thumb. “You were in a coma for six days, love. You lost so much blood they thought you weren’t going to make it,” he answered.

“Then how am I still here?” I asked. Harrison piped up, “Your blood type is very rare, Y/N, and it’s the same as mine, so I donated almost two pints.” “Jesus, that could’ve killed you!” I exclaimed, my throat hurting as my voice grew louder. Harrison shrugged, “I took my chances. I felt exhausted afterward, but not to the point where I was going to die.”

I felt tears welling in my eyes, gratitude washing over me. “Thank you so much,” a tear ran down my cheek and Harrison grinned happily. He winked and said cheekily, “You’re owe me one now, Y/L/N.” Giggling slightly, I sighed and asked, “When can I leave?”

Tom pondered for a moment before he said, “Tomorrow, I believe. But if you’re beginning to feel better, we can always do early checkout.” “Excellent,” I said whilst standing and stretching, wincing at the soreness. Harrison and Tom exchanged looks, but they did not doubt me. Instead, they helped me take the IVs out (which hurt like a motherfucker 10/10 would not recommend) and bring me a wheelchair so that they could escort me out.

It was a brisk Monday morning; the wind demanded to be acknowledged by those who dared to trek outside and the sun was hiding behind the clouds as if it were shy. The cool weather felt good and the fresh air was almost euphoric. I closed my eyes and soaked in whatever I could. “If you want to get a tan, I suggest a salon,” Harrison opened the car door for me and I entered giving him a dirty look.

I took a look of myself in the mirror and I wanted to cry. There was an ugly scar around my throat surround by massive blotches of purple, blue, and yellow. The bruises on my neck were either big or fingerprint shaped. My face was also very bruised and there was a scar on my cheekbone from I know not what. I’ve never really been insecure about what I had looked like before, but now I felt undeserving of the outside world. I felt like I should just cover up and stay quiet.

The ride home was indeed quiet. I stared out the window and pondered the manner of things as Tom and Harrison quietly conversed. They’d ask for my opinion on a few things, but never often. Harrison pulled into the house and Tom helped me out. My leg was still a bit bum, so he let me lean on him for support as we made our way in.

“You hungry?” Tom asked as he walked to the kitchen. I smiled shyly and shook my head. I instead went to the sink and filled a glass of water, downing it in seconds and then refilling the glass for a second. Tom leaned against the counter and looked at me. His eyes scanned up and down my body, making me feel like I should cover up more despite being in sweats. “Something wrong?” I asked, taking another sip of my water. He sighed and said, “You lost a lot of weight from the coma, just took me by surprise.”

I shrugged, “I’ve been meaning to lose some fat off my stomach for a while.” The two of us chuckled awkwardly, a thick silence began to shroud over us. “I’ll probably gain the weight back anyway once I get back in the gym with Harrison and all,” I sliced open the silence, “I’m sort of looking to build muscle more than anything. Plus, your cooking’s pretty phenomenal.”

Tom smiled sheepishly before he killed it off right away with a grimace. “I need to show you something,” he lightly wrapped his hand around my wrist and pulled me along. Tom opened a door and I was led downstairs into the basement, thought it seemed like a medieval dungeon with how poorly it was lit.

Any noise or humming that you could hear upstairs was immediately terminated from the basement. The only things I could hear were our footsteps and our breathing. As we kept going, I grew more anxious, asking Tom what was wrong.

Soon enough, he led to a closed door and he let go of my wrist. “Before I open this door, Y/N, I just want you to know that I’m deeply in love with you,” he was sincere, which scared me, “I know that we started on the wrong foot and we still might be on the wrong foot, but I’ve never met anyone who could get as close to me as you did. It’s only been weeks I know, but-“ “Tom please tell me what’s happened,” I cut him off, not being able to hear anymore.

He sighed and opened the door, letting me go first. Tentatively, I stepped in and took a look around the room. To my left, Cooper was in chains, a sock stuffed into his mouth. His face was unrecognizable and his clothes were tattered; he was practically dead. I covered my mouth with my hand and backpedaled into the wall, memories of that night plaguing my mind, and yet I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t, something was compelling me to stay.

I looked at Tom, “What is this?” My voice started to waver. After all, Cooper tortured me. I was going to be afraid of him, even if I was protected by Tom. “An ultimatum,” Tom whispered, pulling a gun out of the waistband of his pants. He opened my palm and placed the gun in my hand and said, “I’m not a good person, Y/N, never was. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you have been, so here’s the choice. You can end Rigsby’s suffering with a bullet to the head and live with the guilt, staying with me, or you can give the gun to me and live the rest of your life happily and we’ll never meet again.”

I looked at the gun in my hand, and then I looked at Tom. He was going to define our relationship by the murder of a man. Even worse, it was the man who had tortured me and killed his brother. I was surprised Cooper wasn’t dead already, having to face six days of Tom’s wrath, and by the looks of it, it was worse than hell.

Turning the gun over in my hand, I examined it. Could I do this? Could I kill another man? All so that I could be with someone who could grow tired of me in a matter of weeks? I ran a finger down the barrel, feeling the rough texture glide against my nail. I had never held a gun before, even though I lived in the most dangerous part of London, it was just something I never could do.

Tom stood stoically, analyzing my movements and body language, trying to pick out what I was doing, I could tell. He was just as nervous as I was, but he portrayed nonchalance well. “Well?” He asked. Taking one more look at Cooper, who watched me with tired eyes and Tom who watched me with anxious ones, I sighed and said, “You’re insane.”

Tom hung his head down, “I know.” He walked towards me and began to take the gun from my hand when I aimed at Cooper’s head and shot. I didn’t stop at one, I kept going, feeling the gun kick back each time a bullet left the magazine. By now, I was in a blind rage from that had happened. Each bullet began to signify a person: Ellen Rhie, Chester Harris, Harry Holland, Tom, and me.

Soon enough, I was pulling the trigger and hearing the click. I kept clicking before I fell to my knees and sat in silence, looking at the practically headless corpse of what was once my closest friend. Does friendship always end this way? In the end, one person makes the choice that pulls the trigger and you’re left in chains, without a heart to love or a mind to believe what had happened.

“You’re insane to think I’d ever leave you,” I met Tom’s eyes. He looked at me with compassion and adoration, something I longed to feel and I did. He held out a hand and helped me up, wrapping his hands around my waist and pulling me closer. His breath tickled my lips and I oh so badly wanted to close the gap between us. “Are you sure this is what you want?” He asked.

I pulled back and stared into his face. Flashes of memories seeped into my mind as I recalled the night we first met and how I “saved his life”. We were both even now, I guess. I remembered how scared I was to even be breathing the same as him and I remembered every single time he went batshit crazy. The man was crazy and he will never stop being crazy; he has an organization to run after all. But was I crazy? Was I mad to even let my feet fall to the floor as I worshipped his presence? Would it be deemed insanity if I admitted to loving him with each passing second? Or was I crazy to even consider leaving him, even though he was my life support?

After a long silence, I grinned and nodded, “It is.” Tom sighed and smiled too. He leaned in and we kissed, fireworks exploding in my heart. I pulled away and rested my forehead on his. “I love you too,” I breathed and he chuckled. “I figured after the seventh or eighth bullet,” he retorted and I slapped him on the arm.

We pulled away and he held out his arm. “My love,” he said and we both linked arms and walked out the door, ready to face the future we now shared.

TAG LIST:

@nobodyslord @financialinstability @spider-stud @wywholland @magical-fairy-princess-stuff

[evans-addicted]

Stay with me (Bucky x Reader)

A/N: This is my first attempt at posting something publicly. It was inspired by a dream I had (hee hee hee). It is in 2 parts. I write what I think so I am not sure if it feels like it rattles on, but the idea was to write it so you know exactly what’s going on in her mind, even when it’s sarcastic remarks to herself.

Synopsis: After being hurt by local thugs trying to help a student of yours, Steve finds you and brings you to T’Challa’s Facility to get you help. Friendship occurs with Steve and Bucky during your recovery til it comes time to go home, then shit gets real.

Word count: total 6756. Part 1=3305words   Part 2=3451

Warnings: Part 1 is swearing and violence, Part 2 is swearing, alcohol, some talk of injuries, and SMUT

(Pics and Gif’s are not mine, I Googled them)

****

You sighed as you saw the two large black men turn the corner. You knew this wasn’t going to pretty, again. Why do you keep doing this? Why can’t you just be like everyone else and let the police deal with situations like this? Because you care damn it. You knew this14 yr old boy, Yuna, from the school you taught at and you knew he was a good kid. You also knew he lived in a little hovel with his mom and 3 sisters all under the age of 12. You knew why he was helping sell drugs for these Wakandan drug dealers, but you didn’t like it one bit. You were in the alley talking to Yuna, trying to plead with him to give it up and you’d figure out a way to help him somehow. The 2 guys walked speedily to you cursing as you held your hands up to show you meant nothing, just talking. The thinner asshat yelled out “we told you last time you bitch, leave our people alone!” Last week you had tried to get some prostitutes to stop working for this gang and let you get them help, so you took a few hits to the face.

“Hey man I’m just talking to one of my students that’s all” you pleaded. You remembered what being slapped around by these guys felt like and you were fine with not having that happen again. “I think you need a better lesson” the big guy backhanded you in the face, making you spin and fall to the ground. You felt a surge of adrenaline through your body and you used it to stand up.

That was stupid. So very stupid. But you were determined to show Yuna what these people were like, even if it meant taking a few smacks again. A few smacks would have been so much better than what you've gone through. It all happened so fast, you remember being punched in the head, stomach, and even one to the back. You writhed in pain on the ground as they took a few kicks to your stomach, cursing at you the whole time. Some in Wakandan and some in English, you believe for your benefit. All of a sudden the kicking and yelling stops as you hear another male voice yelling from behind you. A tall white man runs towards them and the two Wakandans and Yuna run back around the corner and you hear a car speed off. The white man, you now know was American from hearing him yell at the asshats, turned around and jogged back to you. You push yourself up onto your knees and hold your arms tight to your stomach to try to somehow hold in the pain. He knelt down in front of you telling you not to try to get up. “I had it under control, I can take a few punches ok” you slurred as if you were drunk, but it must’ve been from the fat lip you could feel. You look down as you feel a searing pain in your midsection, you pull your hands away from you to see you were covered in blood. The man stated in awe that you could even still move, “You weren’t punched, you were stabbed”! You looked up at his face, wide eyed in disbelief and just before you passed out you can remember saying “Holy shit, you’re Captain America”, fade to black.

Head pounding, your whole body aching, and your eyes straining, you blink uncontrollably, adjusting to the lights, you could see enough to know there were two figures standing over you. A few moments pass as they come clearer into view. You hear one say, “Well I see you couldn’t resist picking up another stray Steve”. “I’m not a stray asshole!” you blurt out roughly as your throat is dry and sore. “Language!” Steve sighs as he puts his hand on yours. “Sorry, force of habit. How are you feeling?” He then asks.

“Oh my god I’m dead! I died! I fucking died! I knew it!” you rambled on a few times as you saw Steve Rogers, Fucking Captain America and Bucky fucking Barnes standing at the sides of you. You had to be dead, because how in the hell does that happen right. “I died and this is heaven if you are here, although I totally saw myself going a different direction if ya know what I mean, haha” you were rambling again. “You’re not dead, though you ought to be after what you’ve been through” Steve tries to reassure you. “You’re in a hospital, well sort of. You’re in a medical facility. You were beaten up pretty badly and stabbed. You need to just relax and recover. You’ve got a lot of healing to do.” he stated. You just figured this was the doctor talking and you had a concussion so you were imagining it as Steve and Bucky here. I’ll go with the flow, you thought as you started to feel woozy and you drifted off back to sleep.

___

The next time you woke up you were not as groggy but just as sore. You opened your eyes to what looked like a large hospital room. A very nice hospital room, actually. One you could definitely not afford. Just then a nurse, a young, black woman you assume to be in her late 20’s, comes in with a new IV bag. She was startled a bit to see you were awake. “Oh, good morning sleepyhead” she softly exclaimed in a deep Wakandan accent. “Let me get the doctor, I’ll be right back” and she was out the door before you could ask anything else.

You took in the room some more while waiting for the doctor. You tried to sit up a little in the bed and when you felt a stabbing pain in your stomach, you stopped. Just then the doctor and nurse came into the room. “Whoa I would not try to do that ma’am, you’ll rip a stitch!” he stated as he held up his hand as if to physically stop you if you kept trying. “Here, you can move up the bed using this, but only a little ok” as he hands you the remote for the hospital bed. Out of the corner of your eye, you see more figures come into the room. Again, it was Steve freaking Rogers and Bucky freaking Barnes. You looked around for cameras because you truly had to be getting Punk’d or something.

You laid there silent, staring of course at them in disbelief. “I’m Dr. Mburno and this is your nurse Jessa. How are you feeling” the doctor asks you? “Um, I’m tripping balls man! This just doesn’t happen. Normal people just don’t meet fucking superheroes let alone have them in their hospital rooms!” Small laughs came from the nurse, doctor, and Steve. Bucky just stood there with no emotion showing. “Uh first off, not superheroes ma’am.” “Oh my god please stop calling me ma’am, my name is Y/N”.  “Ok Y/N, you were badly injured. You were lucky he found you when he did actually” the doctor stepped closer as he motioned towards Steve. “How long have I been out?” you queried. “3 days ma’am,” the doctor says while looking at your chart. “3 DAYS! OH MY GOD, MY KIDS. I need to go!” you exclaimed and tried to sit up again. “KIDS!” Steve and Bucky let out with startled looks as they looked ready to spring out the door, “You have kids? How many? How old? They weren’t at your apartment!” In shock at that, wide-eyed you ask “how you know what’s in my apartment?” “Your information and keys were in your purse. We needed to see if there was anyone to tell that you were here” Jessa told you.

“Oh um, my kids are my students, I meant my students. I’m a teacher. But my cat, yah she’s going to need more food and water.” Relief was the body language you now read in the room. “Sorry, I’m just really close to my kids, um my students.” You explained. The nurse handed you a clipboard with blank paper and a pen “put down where you work and we’ll make sure the children know you are ok. Is there anyone else we need to inform, perhaps family or friends?” You take the clipboard and thank her “um but no there isn’t anyone else to contact” lowering your head you start writing the information down.

“I’m going to do a check up on you now to see how you are healing if that is ok?” he asks you politely. “Yah of course, sure”. He then looked over to Steve and said he was going to need them to step out and he could let them come back and talk to me afterward if that was alright. Steve nodded a yes and turned to head out. He nodded at Bucky towards the door as if saying ok let’s go. Just before he turned away, Bucky shot a quick half smile your way. You were not sure what that meant. So the doc went through the normal checking my stitches and wherever else hurt. He told you about all your injuries and that you were probably going be here for a few weeks til you were able to leave. After all that you were given some more morphine for the pain and dozed off.

___

Steve and Bucky. Bucky stood towards the back corner of the room and Steve walked right up to your bedside. “What on earth were you doing, trying to get yourself killed?’ he started on you like a disappointed parent. “Hey someone has to help the little people. That’s all I’m trying to do, help” you defended. The right side of his mouth lifted into a half smile, melting you like putty, and he said: “Well who’s going to help you?” “Well this week it was you, next week it might be Santa Claus, I dunno” you shrugged sarcastically. A smartass response was your go to when you were nervous. Steve, Bucky, and their utter hotness made you nervous. Like you said before, this just doesn’t happen to normal people. Bucky smirked and let out a huff like laugh. Yay, he’s not a robot, you thought to yourself, then you remembered you had called him an asshole when you first woke up. You looked over at Bucky “Oh, hey I’m sorry I called you an aaaarrssehole” (you started to say asshole, but glanced at Steve to see him cringing at the beginning of your foul language, so you corrected yourself). He smiled and replied with “I should apologize for the stray remark, it was rude. Sorry”. You smiled back in acceptance.

“So this is awkward, but I cannot afford to stay here. I don’t make very much and this is way” you started saying towards Steve but he interrupted you by putting his hand up and smiling that damn half smile again. “Don’t even worry about that. It’s not every day we get a superhero in here so let us just get you better ok” he shot a wink at Bucky, quoting me from earlier. They both let out a small laugh. Bucky started walking towards the door, Steve told you “we’ll come back and visit, but you have to listen to what Dr. Mburno tells you to do or there’ll be consequences ma’aaaaY/N” he had started to call you ma’am again then trailed off into your name like you had done. It was cute. You were blushing.  Blushing and feeling on top of the world right now, even though you hurt like a mother fucker. Aaaaaand your new morphine drip has kicked in. Sleepytime.

You aren’t sure how long you had been asleep this time you woke up. If you can even call it waking up. You weren’t able to move or even open your eyes. You were just conscious. You could hear a light hum of electricity in the room from the medical equipment in the room. There was something else you could barely make out what it was. It sounded like someone breathing. All of a sudden the door handle clicked and you hear that light swoosh sound the door made when it opened. A few footsteps and then you heard a voice you distinctly recall being Steve’s say “I thought I’d find you in here”. “Hey” a low gruff voice mumbled. This startled you, even though you couldn’t move or speak. “What’s going on Buck?” Steve questioned. “I dunno, I just..it’s sad” Bucky seemed to struggle to get the right words. “What’s sad?” “You remember my apartment when you found me in Bucharest?” “Ya,” Steve answered skeptically. “You didn’t see her place, but it was just like that Steve”, Bucky blurted out. “Ok, what does that have to do with anything” Steve questioned not sure where this was going. Bucky looked at him with those same sad eyes he gave when he remembered the past and said: “It was so empty with nothing personal like photos, postcards, or mail.” “Buck you were on the run, you had to.” He was interrupted by Bucky, “I’m talking about her place, Steve. That’s what her place looked like. I had an excuse like you said, but she should have friends and family and things you know. I don’t know, I just feel sad for her.” “C’mon bud, let’s get out of here and talk somewhere else” You heard Steve’s footsteps walk farther into the room, then stop and 2 sets of footsteps walk out. You still couldn’t move or speak, but you could feel the tears roll from your eyes.

___

The next time you woke up you felt much more rested and not in as much pain. It could have been the drugs, who knows. You were able to sit up a little so progress right. You pushed the nurse call button and a few moments later nurse Jessa came in asking how you were feeling. “Pretty good, actually. How long was I out this time?” “I will have the doctor come in to talk to you about that.” “Whoa wait a minute, please tell me. I won’t freak out this time I promise” you pleaded to her. “Well you’ve been in and out for a week now,” she said with a worried look on her face. “Wow. I don’t remember waking up or anything.” “Yes, we kept you in a semi medically induced coma to help push meds and some steroids to speed your healing” she explained. “Steroids, like the buff muscle stuff! Cool” you laughed. She giggled “no quite like that. It’s a metabolic steroid replacement we have created here.” “Oh, shucks. Well, that’s all good, I think it's helping because I’m feeling better. I don’t feel as much pain.”

“That’s great!” you hear Steve coming in the door as he clasped his hands together as in applause. “Hey Captain Mr. Rogers America” You shrugged to imply you weren’t sure what to call him. “Just Steve, please.” His half smile was so intoxicating that you weren’t sure if you could handle a full smile. Just then you noticed Bucky walk in and stand behind Steve off to the side a little. Your face noticeably sunk causing Steve to ask if you were ok. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just eager to get out of this bed I think” as you looked at Jessa. “Let me get the doctor in here and he can see if you’re ready to go to your recovery room for the duration of your stay.” Then she left. You kept your gaze down at your sheets. Steve broke the silence with “Yah, we’ve got a great room set up for you. Nice view. So til you are 100% you can just think of it as your home away from home. We’ll give you a tour once the doc gives the all clear, right Buck?” he motioned towards Bucky behind him. “Sounds good” sounded forced like when you have to say you like a present you obviously don’t.

___

Several hours later that evening after all the medical protocols and being poked a few times and being x-rayed or cat scanned and having given some blood, Dr. Mburno said you were ready to start recovery out of the hospital bed. “Yessss” as you fist pumped. Jessa helped you get all unplugged and put a robe on you. She helped you sit in the wheelchair even though you wanted to walk, they said it was too far to your room. Bucky was out in the hallway when Jessa rolled you out of the room. Seeing the surprise on your face “Steve had to do something” he pointed a thumb behind him. He took a hold of the wheelchair handles and nodded to Jessa that he had it from here. And you were off. Walking down hallways and through what seemed like large common areas you stayed silent as did Bucky. Every once in a while you would hear a sigh as if he was going to say something then stopped. Finally, he stopped you in front of a door and reached over your shoulder to the handle. His chest moved your shoulder forward a little and all you could think was damn that muscle and how damn good he smelled. With the door now open, he moved beside you and held out his prosthetic hand for you. You grabbed his hand and he helped you stand. Lacing his other hand behind your back he escorted you into your room.

You looked around as you hobbled in on legs you haven’t used in almost 2 weeks. It was a beautiful room, with a large picture window viewing the jungle below. Plain white walls bare of any paintings or artwork except for the pop of color from the dark blue door trim. Gorgeous marble time floors beneath your feet with only a white fuzzy rug under the bed extending out about 3 feet on the sides and foot. The bed looked plain and simple except for the bedding that looked like clouds. You pictured yourself running and jumping on it. Bucky saw the smile cross your face and asked: “You like?” “This is fucking heaven” was all you could think of to describe it. He laughed slightly. There was a desk in the corner with a laptop and folders on it. “What’s all that?” you nodded in its direction. “Don’t worry about that now. Just get steeled and we’ll tell you about that later” he said waving a hand towards it. “Your clothes were brought here for you and are in that closet” Pointing to the left of the room. “Ok well, I’m going to take a shower first thing.” You pointed towards the bathroom on the right side.

He started walking you over when you held up your hand and said: “ I can shower on my own thanks.” “Oh I know, I was just helping. I'm sorry. Um do you need anything else?” he stammered. “Oh my god this bathroom is amazeballs!” you shouted. He laughed and shot a finger at you, “I’ll take that as a no. Call if you need anything” he pointed at the phone on your bedside table then left, shutting the door behind him. After the unbelievable shower, you went to the closet and pulled out underwear, a tank top, and pajama pants to wear to bed. You couldn’t believe how tired you were already just from taking a shower, but you guess that’s what happens after being asleep for 2 weeks. Walking to the bed you thought once again about jumping onto the fluffy cloudlike bed, but looking down at your stitched up stomach, you decided against it. Lying down in the fresh linens and covering up with the thick comforter you immediately drifted off from exhaustion.

To be continued....

Tumblr wouldn’t let me add Gif’s or pictures....CURSES!!!

I hope you like it so far. I am finishing editing on part 2 now and will have it up tonight or tomorrow. Please let me know any feedback. Thanks.

[br0kenbutterfly]

15/5/2017

So its 2am, its fucking freezing cold, but I have to write this because if I dont, itll be just like all the other stuff I look back on and wish I had some recollection of how I felt. Like all my childhood diaries that I started. Or the abandoned derby tumblr thats still lurking somewhere. Anyway.

I had my initial appointment with a surgeon today about weight loss surgery. I’ve been thinking about surgery since about 2013, and seriously for the last 9 months or so. I’ve talked to several people who have had various surgeries (including mum, my friend and a friend of my aunts), and done my research. Ive discussed this with my (awesome amazing wonderful) GP, and our work counsellor Ann-Marie, who are both incredibly supportive. I’m paying for this surgery privately, which cuts hugely into the savings Ive accumulated since I was 15 for a house, but I can wait for a house. Every year I don't do this is a year Im kinda wasting my youth on being huge and not happy and making excuses for not doing things Id like to do. Not that Im unhappy all the time, but my weight is a safety blanket, kinda like my depression was my safety blanket for not leaving oamaru. I just dont wanna wait until Im accepted into public surgery (which Ive been on the list for since 2013) because at that point Ill probably be in my 50s and have so many health issues. Like for goodness sake, im 26 and I have pre-diabetes, polycystic ovaries that mean im probs infertile, a perpetually sore back that means i cant walk for more than a block without having to stop, my knees and ankles give out randomly. Anyway. Im rambling. 

My appointment was with Dr Flint, who I chose because thats who my friend had surgery with (and because the other guy was the one who did my consult for public surgery and he was a right royal douche). He was lovely, and explained both procedures (roux-en-y and gastric sleeve) really well. Im going to have a gastric sleeve, because the ongoing risk of complications like IBS and hernias are smaller (and because you dont have to be on vitamins for life and my god i hate taking meds). He weighed me - ive put on like 5kg since i last weighed myself (fuck) but to be fair i did have my docs on. So my offical starting weight is 157.8kg, which is a terrifying number and also this is probably the first time ive admitted my weight to anyone who isnt a medical professional in a long long time holy shit. Apparently if everything goes well i should be around 95kg afterwards (like 2 years away).

After I went through everything with the surgeon, I saw his nurse? receptionist? general fucking awesome person Denise. Shes so lovely. She talked me through the appointments I need to have next (which tbh is part of the reason I want to to it privately, because i know its not just about the surgery, its about learning to live as a smaller person, and i fucking dont know how to eat properly, and id really like to do some exercises that dont hurt my damn back all the time). So I have to see the dietician, and an exercise consultant, and a psychiatrist, and then back to the surgeon for pre-op appt. My surgery is scheduled for the 11th July, which means Ill be on preop diet from like, the 13th June I think? I might buy some optifast and try it for some breakfasts first. Im so not looking forward to that bit.

Then because I was like, nervous as fuck after my appointment, I went and cuddled ellas tiny humans and then talked to laura and watched sense8. 

My biggest fears at the moment are:

-me fucking this up. like what if i cat do it, if my willpower is awful, and i screw it up and throw $20k down the drain. How shit will I feel about myself if the surgery doesnt work, because theres not really any more drastic options. what if i put all the weight back on like my uncle, or drink frozen coke and dont eat protein like my mum

-mum. i havent told her yet....im telling her tomorrow. im worried shes gunna be weird about it. not in a “you shouldnt have the surgery” kinda of way, im worried she will want to know how much i weigh, and give me well meaning comments about how i shouldnt be eating this or that, or go the other way and want to have a massive blowout before i start optifast. 

-who do i tell? apart from the internel lol (im guessing only like 3 people i know in real life will read this). do i tell my dad? i should but again, im so worried about what he’ll think, how he’ll judge me. 

-i think in general im so used to the comments about my weight that im really caught up with it as part of my identity? Like I hate all the health and fitness ads because it just reminds me of me not being fit and healthy, but i wonder if some part of me likes being fat to be a rebel, because some weird part of me feels like im failing by conforming to societys (and my dads) wishes about how i look and act. idk. 

- hahahahahh optifast. ive heard it tastes awful and i have 6 weeks of it, then purees (goodie), then soft food. also imma have to eat veggies. fuck.

I’m excited about:

-being able to maybe actually skate well?! being able to do general things like run after izzy or go for a bike ride with people without being like yeah nah i cant do that because it hurts. itd be nice to walk up the stairs without looking like ive run a half marathon. id be nice to walk to work without my back cramping up so bad i have to stop and stretch it several times. 

-im kinda looking forward to meeting with the exercise person. I see a lot of people in the #GRRLarmy and stuff and I want to be strong, but I am terrified of the gym and im really hoping shell be able to help and be a good motivation

-the dietician will be good to because lord knows im terrible at cooking for myself no matter how many well meaning people try and teach me. i just wish i didnt have to eat. 

-possibly having lower food bills - currently i spend like a quarter of my income on food which is ridiculous and i dont know how to stop.

Right so that was a novel. Now its 3am and i have to go talk to my boss and ask her for time off for 5 preop appointments in the next 6 weeks, as well as hi im going to need 2 weeks off work lololol. Oh, and tell my mum im having major surgery in 6 weeks and i didnt tell her i had an appointment to talk about it. whoops. wish me luck x

[gorsime]

ill delete this soon

bad cop hogwarts au

@pouncival

points to cover: houses, prefect stuff, meetings, classes, Naughty Stuff, other cats, pets, life after hogwarts, quidditch >:((, HYDRATION, teachers, uhhhhh and anything else i can think of

HOUSES: rumples a gryffindor. the sorting hat took about three seconds. alonzos a hufflepuff even tho his family have always been ravenclaws and he desperately wanted to be a gryffindor, he cried after the sorting ceremony also: jenny is huffpuff head, skimble is p much hagrid, jelly is raven, gus is gryffdor and grizabella is slytherin,,, headmaster deuteronomy lmao

PREFECT STUFF: alonzos a prefect. Obviously, i mean come on. he takes it so seriously,,, hes already dating rumple when he becomes one and she delights in the fact that he can sometimes b persuaded to let her go with a warning bc yo thats what u get for fucking a prefect,,, once she wanted to get in ravenclaw tower and she didnt know the answer to the riddle so she was like "LONZYYY I HAVE A RIDDLE THAT I NEED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO FOR HOMEWORRKKKKK" and hes a library fiend so he spent like an hour looking it up and then he told her and she was like "ok thanks im going off 2 ravenclaw tower now" and he was so distraught he took ten points from hufflepuff for helping her. the other prefects Donut Understand their relationship ghdkhgd bc mungo and rumple r worse than fred and george but eventually it gets to the point where they catch her doin some rulebreaking and shes like... do u seriously feel like dealing with me so they just go get alonzo. she gets drunk on firewhisky one time and he takes her back up to gryffindor tower and spends ten minutes trying to get the fat lady to let her in but the fat lady is annoyed and refusing and it goes like "rumple tell her the password" "nooOooOoOooOo" "do you know the password" ">:3c" "rumple teLL HER THE PASSWORD" for another half hour and eventually gives up and decides to wait for the next gryffindors to come along and let her in but the next one to come along is mungo and then its twice as bad when alonzo becomes head boy (munk is the year above them) he cries, and rumple opens her letter like I GOT HEAD GIRL??!!!!????? and hes like. What. and shes like hehehehehe just kidding who the fuck do u think i am,, also. prefects bathroom. he ends up letting her find out the password and then shes constantly in there and then Somehow (i wonder how) mungo finds out and then they have to change it before the whole school knows,,, oh my god the other prefects tease him so much and at first hes like eh..heh...yeah but after a while hes like fuck off please, stop shittalking my girlfriend to me, and he gets a wee bit defensive about it so they give up especially in their final year when hes head boyyyy

QUIDDITCH: OKAY so alonzo wanted to play quidditch as a seeker bc ofc he did right?? i mean theres so many rules. such nice uniforms. but he never made the tryouts bc he wasnt willing to take the risks needed to get the golden thingy (also, vitiligo, hes got autoimmune shit and he has 2 b careful w his health),,, rumple however. rumples grown up loving the harpies and desperately wanting to be a beater. then she meets mungo and the two of them are fucking terrifying beaters, they are So Good, its honestly the only reason why gryffindor hasnt lost the house cup every fucking year, them helping win p much every game kind of balances out all the points they lose for being shits lmao,,, we had a thought that she gets hurt sometime in a game, and alonzo is. so terribly smothering he brings in all his books to study by her bed in the hospital wing and takes notes for her and is way too cautious after that and begs her to stop playing and she just. Looks at him. :| anyway she does eventually become quidditch captain nyehehe and so shes captain, hes head boy, they are a glorious power couple,,, the nerds love alonzo, the delinquents and sportheads love rumple, together they are So Respected,, it also means she gets actual access to the prefects bathroom which changes very little except for how sneaky she has to be to get in

MEETINGS: okay so in true hogwarts au fashion they first meet on the train as first years,,, rumple: hi can i sit here (she says as shes sat down) are u muggleborn im a halfblood alonzo: im from an old wzarding family my name is draco malfuck you rumple: wow u sound like an asshole. what house r u gonna be in. im gryffindor alonzo: me too rumple: u dont seem like one alonzo: you do :// rude fuck. this is my owl her name is aegolius im pretentious rumple: cool name. this is my cat her name is gwynog GO HARPIES alonzo: ive never had physical contact with a living thing in my life can i pet her rumple: sure alonzo: soft anyway after they get sorted they never talk again. End Of Au. jks but forreal they dont talk for years until they get their electives and theyre partnered in care of magical creatures and finally talk again and it goes like rumple: hey youre that kid who cried at the sorting ceremony alonzo: rumple: sup somehow the whole Falling In Love part is the one bit we havent really talked about but it happens and its cute

id also like to add that alonzos parents are an old italian wizarding family but they pride themselves on being chic, modern wizards who incorporate certain muggle things, mostly fashion, his mums a fashion designer, so all his clothes are beautiful and tailored and more Modern than most,, ANYWAY they also Want The Best for him and when he tells them who hes dating (A HALFBLOOD RAISED AMONG MUGGLES??? A GIRL BEATER???? LOOK AT HER SCHOOL RECORDS DARLING SHES A DELINQUENT!!!!!!) and they refuse to let him stay at her house or let her come over,,, until he writes home one day like. shes captain of the quidditch team what more do u want shes going to do it professionally) and theyre Sporty Folks who are So Fucking Into Quidditch and by this point theyve realised that she's not turning him into a Bad Kid so they finally accept her

CLASSES: ive forgotten like all of their classes kmn anyway alonzo wants to be an auror. thats all he wants. thats his ambition. so he studies his ass off from day one and gets perfect grades and is a model student. rumple is. perhaps not. just think fred and george thats her and mungo, shes a terror but somehow she still manages to pass everything through an annoying natural talent. alonzos kind of hellbent on making her get good grades and they spend much of their time in the library, hes in there Every Day, he pretty much has a reserved table, rumple sits around practicing jinxes on any unfortunate passerbys and trying to pester him and/or make him kiss her he loves presentations, hes so good at them, he prepares for weeks and then the entire time rumples in the back of class making Naughty Gestures. he chokes on his water when she does presentations theyre short but shes really charismatic so he just kind of sits there staring at her like an idiot because gosh she has a nice voice rumples a pro at brooms obviously, alonzos Hella Nervous on them, he has the best and safest model, she offers to give him private lessons but really its just an opportunity for dick jokes what can u do. he gets her a really good really SAFE and fast broom for christmas one year bc what else does a rich boy get his girlfriend who kicks ass at quidditch which brings me to

NAUGHTY STUFF: kittens look away! look for like. a full three months hes like Im Not Having Sex At School Its Against the rRULES!!!!!! and rumples like. well then we either abstain until we graduate or we can do it at your parents place and. No. The Horror. he changes his mind very quickly. they happen to stumble across the room of requirement a few times when.uh. the need is great. u know how it goes. im also gonna go out on a limb and admit that alonzo is rather fond of the Luxury Baths in the prefects bathroom and rumple is very good at catching him when hes in there and enchanting the door or some shit so nobody disturbs them :-)) this is from one of those hogwarts au headcanon posts but i love it, he gives a presentation on sex ed and shit (lets pretend hogwarts is better than it is) and rumple sits in the back asking the worst questions and inside he wants to scream u KNOW what that is we did it last nIGHT

other cats: yes ok here we go. in their year is misto, victoria, admetus, mungo, coricopat, tantomile and im sure im missing people here, year above them  is munk, tugger, deme, bomba, cassandra, macavity (???!!!???) and everyone else is younger by a year or two, also worth mentioning is etcetera being rumples younger sister and theyre adorable and lovely etcetera for president of the world munk and cass or deme are probably head boy and girl of their year,  cass is dating tantomile, bombas dating demeter, alonzo has the biggest crush on munk as well (optional polyamory for u fucks) (worth saying that the reason rumple went to sneak into ravenclaw tower was to see victoria btw),,, alonzo and victoria are head boy and girl of their year, and probably jemima andddddddd idk maybe g eorge fuck me man idk admetus is another prefect, so's tantomile tbh,,, id say victoria but she wants to focus on her studies

PETS: alonzo has this beautiful eagle owl, scariest of all owls, her name is aegoleius (pronounced ay-JEE-lee-us) it means bird of prey and he adores her. shes beautifully trained. rumple has a kitty that im personally in love with who is basically rumpleteazer as a cat lol shes a calico but her name is gwenog after the famous beater of the harpies <33333 eventually they'll get another cat thatll be a suspiciously familiar black and white patched triangle shorthair named Faolan (sorta like FWAY-larn) even tho it means little wolf because he thought it sounded cool and he read it in a book and thought it was pronouned faow-lahn, honestly they probably end up getting a whole ton of cats

LIFE AFTER HOGWARTS: WOO im excited for this bit. okay. so. alonzo wants to be an auror. hes spent his whole life training for this. he immediately applies after graduation and gets in and starts his rigorous three year training process. in the meantime rumples gone into professional quidditch, and shes really really good at it but shes like.... this isnt fun anymore. bc its not just a school game anymore, its a professional sport, and what do u mean u cant jinx the opponents!!!! so for a while she just helps him train "ok so if you walk like THIS and use this charm your footsteps will be totally silent blah blah boh my god i should be an auror" and hes like. You. want to be an auror. and shes like. Yup. and its a damn good thing he was so obsessive about her getting good marks bc her newts are good enough that she can apply. they do a criminal record check, but mind u that altho rumples done naughty stuff, shes never actually. Been Caught doing anything particularly bad. so her record is somehoW CLEAN and she gets in. its a miracle. "what did you do. who did you blackmail" "i sucked every single aurors dick lonzy" "HOW DID YOU GET IN" "EVERY! SINGLE! DICK!" but hes also really really prouD AND THAT MEANS THEY CAN HELP EACH OTHER TRAIN!!!!! cue training montage. rumple pulls a tonks and coasts thru a lot of it rlly easily and almost fails some but they both eventually graduate and become aurors and work together and she covers her trenchcoat in patches and he keeps asking if he has to wear his because sweet jesus it is ugly ITS BROWN, and at this point his parents r more than content with rumple lmao, anyway they live together in a lovely little house that is kept in perfect order, rumple enchants EVERYTHING to talk, its cute, fucking domestic shit yes please

HYDRATION LOL look this isnt even important but alonzo is so deeply into that health shit. he only eats dark chocolate, and most importantly he fucking loves spending time in the kitchen with jenny. she cooks, he makes custom face masks, and also infused water. so much infused water. he has different """recipes""" and he always has a bottle of lovely chilled water with fucking apple and ginger and lemongrass shit in it that he made the night before, and since rumple fucking hates drinking anything thats not tropical sunshine punch fruit juice he constantly is trying to figure out a recipe of infused water that she'll drink becUSE ITS NOT HEALTHY RUMPLE!!!!!!!! YOU NEED WATER, but she thinks its disgusting and eventually he gives up and carries a bottle of juice with him in case he sees her because its better than nothing,

yeah ok im,,,,, i assume there will be more to come but for now this is what u get

[samanthasroberts]

Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?

I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.

When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.

Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?

Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.

Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.

Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.

Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.

Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.

Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.

Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,

Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.

Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.

Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.

JD: Hows the baby? Thomas: The doctor said fine… JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.

JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.

JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.

JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.

NO FUCKING SHIT.

JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.

Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.

Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?

Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.

Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.

Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.

Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??

Cameran: So any man prospects? Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.

Landon is like Same tho. Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep? Landon:…Yeah

Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!

*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!

Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?

Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.

Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.

Whitney: Meh whatevs

Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.

Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.

Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool? Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?

Classic Shmosby.

Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.

Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.

Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.

These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.

Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.

I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.

The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.

Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.

Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.

Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.

JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?

Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.

Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying. I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.

Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?

Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.

Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?

Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.

Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?

Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.

Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.

Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.

Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?

Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.

Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.

JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.

JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.

Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.

Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.

We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.

Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.

Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.

Cams like,

Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.

Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig

Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).

Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.

Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?

Wait for it..

BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.

Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.

Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.

JDs like, and Craig is like,

JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town? Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so

Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.

At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.

Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.

Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:

Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.

UH OH.

Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!

Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.

OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.

Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.

OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.

Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.

Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.

So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.

OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/southern-charm-recap-can-they-get-any-more-white/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/03/16/southern-charm-recap-can-they-get-any-more-white/

[jimdsmith34]

Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?

I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.

When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.

Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?

Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.

Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.

Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.

Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.

Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.

Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.

Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,

Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.

Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.

Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.

JD: Hows the baby? Thomas: The doctor said fine… JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.

JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.

JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.

JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.

NO FUCKING SHIT.

JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.

Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.

Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?

Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.

Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.

Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.

Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??

Cameran: So any man prospects? Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.

Landon is like Same tho. Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep? Landon:…Yeah

Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!

*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!

Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?

Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.

Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.

Whitney: Meh whatevs

Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.

Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.

Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool? Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?

Classic Shmosby.

Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.

Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.

Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.

These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.

Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.

I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.

The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.

Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.

Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.

Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.

JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?

Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.

Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying. I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.

Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?

Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.

Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?

Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.

Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?

Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.

Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.

Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.

Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?

Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.

Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.

JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.

JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.

Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.

Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.

We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.

Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.

Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.

Cams like,

Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.

Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig

Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).

Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.

Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?

Wait for it..

BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.

Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.

Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.

JDs like, and Craig is like,

JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town? Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so

Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.

At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.

Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.

Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:

Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.

UH OH.

Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!

Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.

OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.

Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.

OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.

Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.

Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.

So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.

OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

source http://allofbeer.com/southern-charm-recap-can-they-get-any-more-white/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2018/03/southern-charm-recap-can-they-get-any.html

[adambstingus]

Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?

I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.

When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.

Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?

Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.

Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.

Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.

Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.

Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.

Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.

Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,

Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.

Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.

Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.

JD: Hows the baby? Thomas: The doctor said fine… JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.

JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.

JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.

JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.

NO FUCKING SHIT.

JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.

Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.

Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?

Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.

Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.

Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.

Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??

Cameran: So any man prospects? Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.

Landon is like Same tho. Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep? Landon:…Yeah

Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!

*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!

Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?

Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.

Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.

Whitney: Meh whatevs

Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.

Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.

Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool? Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?

Classic Shmosby.

Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.

Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.

Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.

These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.

Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.

I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.

The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.

Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.

Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.

Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.

JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?

Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.

Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying. I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.

Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?

Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.

Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?

Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.

Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?

Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.

Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.

Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.

Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?

Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.

Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.

JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.

JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.

Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.

Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.

We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.

Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.

Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.

Cams like,

Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.

Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig

Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).

Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.

Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?

Wait for it..

BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.

Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.

Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.

JDs like, and Craig is like,

JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town? Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so

Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.

At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.

Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.

Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:

Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.

UH OH.

Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!

Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.

OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.

Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.

OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.

Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.

Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.

So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.

OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/southern-charm-recap-can-they-get-any-more-white/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/171944066947

[venting-on-end]

I'm not new here, just haven't been on this in forever. I use to be a Harry Styles blog and probably still kinda will be but I'm just post whatever I feel like now and it’ll probably still be a lot of Harry but a lot of other things as well. Ill also be venting a lot about my life on here cause I need to write and idc if no one listens I just need an outlet. That being said, IM GONNA VENT!!

Ive been single now for about 6 months and its been one hell of a ride haha. But its also been really lonely. Ive lost a lot of friends and I'm kinda just by myself most of the time now. I lost some friends because they don't like the truth and ive lost friends because I'm an asshole. Either way I think its for the best. Its funny cause their still around and we speak randomly but its very calculated and short conversations, which I'm okay with because the less they know about my life the better. 

I was also diagnosed with PCOS at the beginning of the year and that's been a disaster. I hadn't gotten my period in months so I finally decided to go in and see why and that's what they told me, I was put on metformin to start my periods and hopefully regulate it, which it did but then I started getting it and having it all month so I quit taking it and had gone again like 4 months without a period and finally just got it on my own like 2 weeks ago. PCOS also causes hair growth, which I have on my chin. Ive seen some girls that have like almost a full 5oclock shadow but mine is just a couple little hairs randomly on my chin. I'm a little nervous as too if the shadow is gonna happen to me as well. It also causes being overweight and diabieties and heart disease. Its nice knowing I'm getting a little bigger because of something I cant really control and not because of something I'm doing wrong but at the same time its still not fun to be gaining weight. Ive looked into what to do about losing it but it seems like I would only be able to eat kale and water, you have to literally cut EVERYTHING out of your diet, no sugar, no pop, no foods high in fat, no gluten. Its insane. And I know pretty much majority of the world doesn't eat gluten anymore but ive never had a problem with it so I don't plan on not eating it.

Living in North Dakota is one of the worst and best places to live. Its small town living with all the small town drama. I would love to move away to a state that's bigger and “ better” but I know I would hate it and my anxiety would be through the roof! Its already terrible living here. Plus id never be able to leave my family, especially my dad and nephew. My entire family is from here and all my friends, I think id be able to leave for awhile but I would come right back, Its a comfort thing I think at this point. I'm to comfortable to leave which is a curse but a good thing. 

Ive been speaking with my ex lately. We broke up awhile ago and just recently started talking again after a pretty gnarly breakup. He moved to florida after we broke up, trying to get as far away from me as possible. We were together for about 5 years on and off, I wasn't a good girlfriend but I was loyal. He wasn't a good boyfriend and he wasn't loyal. He’ll never in his life admit it even though he knows I know. He was a drinker, as am I. The only difference is, is that I don't need it when I wake up and all day. I drink maybe once a week now, back then I drank a lot. We would drink together and shit would get way to out of control. I fucking hated him. He hated me, we would fight, terrible fights and then make up the next day like it was no problem. He ended up going to impatient treatment in MN and was gone for about 3 months and then came back and was sober I stayed sober as well for awhile. He finally told me one night that it was okay with him that I went and had a beer with my dad and I did. It was all down hill from there. We ended up just not working out and he left and I became single and I definitely lived single. I was hoe’in it up and then I realized I was little out of control with it and decided to chill out. I ended up moving out of my apartment and moved back into my parents. Ask me how excited I am being 26 and living at home. EXCITED BITCH! I love living with my parents, not because its easy living because its not. I still have bills and I still pay rent. But I'm not ashamed that I live there cause its my family and they are all I really have. 

I think ive done enough venting for me for the evening. Its time for me to sit up for the next 6 hours till I finally fall asleep around 4am. Did I mention insomnia is DOPE!

Thanks for listening or not listening to me vent. 

[vdbstore-blog]

New Post has been published on Vintage Designer Handbags Online | Vintage Preowned Chanel Luxury Designer Brands Bags & Accessories

New Post has been published on http://vintagedesignerhandbagsonline.com/gwyneth-glows-like-a-radioactive-swan-my-day-at-the-goop-festival-life-and-style/

'Gwyneth glows like a radioactive swan' – my day at the Goop festival | Life and style

Culver City, Los Angeles, is socked in by haze, and a line of women in black athleisure – more blondes than one is accustomed to seeing in one place at one time – stretches down the block. Each has paid between $500 and $1500 (£390 and £1,175) to stand in this line and attend In Goop Health: Presented by Goop, the inaugural “health and wellness expo” of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand, Goop.

People are excited, a little nervous and giddy. It feels as if we are waiting for the bus to summer camp, if your summer camp gives out free lube and Nicole Richie is there. At 9am the beefy security team parts and we pour into a courtyard where employees sort us into more lines based on how much we have paid to be here. Colour-coded bracelets indicate whether you are a Lapis ($500), Amethyst ($1,000) or Clear Quartz ($1,500) Gooper. More money means more activities: a foam roller workout, a “sound bath”, even lunch with “GP” herself in the “Collagen Garden”. Apparently, a prohibitively expensive, celebrity-studded self-help salon isn’t exclusive enough: the very rich can’t have fun without a little class hierarchy.

We pass into a second courtyard, which offers clusters of tasteful white furniture ringed by a variety of “wellness adventures”. In one corner, you can sit cross-legged on a cushion and the “resident Goop shaman” will tell you which crystal you “need”. In the opposite corner is a woman who will photograph your aura in a little tent. There is an oxygen bar and an IV drip station. And there is food, of course, just in very small pieces: tiny vegan doughnuts, quinoa and lox swaddled in seaweed, ladles of unsalted bone broth, fruit.

I take a lap of the courtyard and the cavernous hangar where we will be spending the next nine hours (there is no re-entry). Inside, interspersed among the Goop-approved matcha and coconut-water stalls, is the Goop Marketplace, where attendees can buy face potions, rolling pins and Tory Burch’s new line of active wear. For $55, you can buy one of the jade eggs that Goop famously suggested women carry around in their vaginas. Or, a rose quartz egg, if you have “seen results with the jade egg and want to take your practice a step further”. I head back outside and get in line for the shaman.

Probiotic juices are flowing. Photograph: Kolasinski/BFA/Rex/Shutterstock

Turns out, the shaman is a little backed up, so they are scheduling appointments instead. A friendly employee writes my name on a clipboard and tells me to come back at 4.05pm. The line for aura photography is even longer. I wait about 10 minutes before a staffer announces that the schedule is full and we are all fired from the line, but we can check back later. That’s fine. Everyone is feeling good. Employees weave through the crowd with trays of probiotic juice. I decide I like the Goop expo. It is silly, but most of us seem to be in on the joke – like Dungeons and Dragons for your vaginal flora. Why not?

I don’t believe that my proximity to crystals (or lack thereof) has any effect on my wellbeing, but I don’t think it is interesting or sophisticated to mock people who do. These women are having fun. They are sitting on pillows and connecting with each other. It is the kind of spontaneously intimate conversation that happens among women all the time, dressed up in the language of magic and, sure, monetised.

As long as you are not promising miracles and swapping carnelian for childhood vaccines, organising your inner life around crystals doesn’t seem much different than organising it around “bullet journalling”. There is a line, of course, between having fun with rocks and exploiting people’s fears for profit, and I am expecting to approach that soon enough.

I wander back inside and there she is, gliding through the Bulletproof Coffee line like our priestess. Here is just a true fact: Gwyneth glows like a radioactive swan. She emits light. She would be great in a power outage. Though the FAQ specifically directed attendees to wear athleisure (with a link to the Goop store’s athleisure page – just to be helpful!), Gwyneth appears to be wearing a sirocco of flower petals. She leads us, her flock, into the auditorium and the real show begins.

After a brief history of Goop (“I started to wonder: Why do we all not feel well? Why is there so much cancer? Why are we all so tired?”), Paltrow introduces her personal physician, Dr Habib Sadeghi, DO. He talks for an hour about “cosmic flow”; his left testicle; the “magnificence” of Gwyneth (“I’ve been down and I’ve touched her feet … and I’ll do it again”); and his belief that “consciousness precedes phenotypic expression”, which means, basically, that all ailments are on some level psychosomatic and your ovarian cysts are really just little nodules of emotion – or something.

Women connecting with themselves. Photograph: Salangsang/BFA/Rex/Shutterstock

The next panel, on gut health, counters Sadeghi’s consciousness theory with the assertion that all human illnesses are caused by antibiotics, ibuprofen, caesarean sections and legumes. The human gut is a rich rainforest, they say. Antibiotics are “napalm”, and taking one ibuprofen is “like swallowing a hand grenade”. Someone relates an anecdote about a marathon runner who had to get a faecal transplant from her fat niece, and it made the marathon runner fat. In mice, faecal transplants have been found to make fat mice thin, and anxious mice calm. Oh, my God, I realise. Paltrow is going to start selling her own poop.

Dr Steven Gundry, author of The Plant Paradox, reveals that from January to June inclusive, he consumes all his calories between 6pm and 8pm, because “we evolved to search for food all day and then fast”. It’s funny how our understanding of human evolution – of the point at which we were once our truest selves – can shift according to which restrictive diet is on-trend that day. Next to each of our chairs is a complementary bottle of hot-pink, watermelon-flavoured water, sickly-sweet with Stevia. You know, just like the cavemen used to drink.

Gundry argues that human beings aren’t meant to eat any plants native to North America, because we are native to “Africa, Europe and Asia”. At one point, Dr Amy Myers casually distinguishes between the gut bacteria Asian people need (because “they” eat a lot of seaweed) and the gut bacteria that “we” need. You don’t have to glance around the room to know who “we” are.

In Goop Health is shockingly white – even to me, a blond, white person who went in expecting whiteness. Obviously, this is anecdotal – I haven’t conducted a census – but I don’t recall seeing more than 10 people of colour among the attendees, and that’s a generous estimate. The panellists are almost exclusively white. I wonder if anyone at Goop brought up the lack of diversity in their speakers during the planning stages, or anticipated this criticism. But to acknowledge it would be to acknowledge politics, and In Goop Health stays as far away from politics as it can get.

Lindy West at Goop in Health. Photograph: Lindy West

However, an event supposedly focused “on being and achieving the optimal versions of ourselves”, as Paltrow put it during her welcome address, cannot truly be depoliticised. You can’t honestly address “wellness” – the things people need to be well – without addressing poverty and systemic racism, disability access and affordable healthcare, paid family leave and food insecurity, contraception and abortion, sex work and the war against drugs and mass incarceration. Unless, of course, you are only talking about the wellness of people whose lives are untouched by all of those forces. That is, the wellness of people who are disproportionately well already.

Towards the end of his speech, Sadeghi tells a story about an epiphany he had in the anatomy lab. He says he discovered that the first valve of the heart flows straight back into the heart: “Selfish little organ there! No, no, not selfish – self-honouring. Wooo! What a difference! I could never give anything to anybody – ask my beloved wife – until I take care of me. Until my needs are met. Right? Right? When you fly down, the first thing that they tell you is that before you put the mask on anybody else, put it on yourself.”

I hear that idea repeated over and over again at the Goop conference – take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Put your mask on first. Hold space for yourself. Be entitled. Take. At a certain point, it begins to feel less like self-care and more like rationalisation. I don’t know anything about the personal lives of the women at In Goop Health – who they give money to, what hardships they have endured, why they were drawn to this event – and every person I interact with is funny and smart and kind and self-aware. But it is self-evident and measurable that white people in the US, in general, are assiduous about the first part of that equation (caring for ourselves) and less than attentive to the second (caring for others).

It is OK to love skin cream and crystals. It is normal and forgivable to be afraid of dying, afraid of cancer, afraid of losing your youth and beauty and the currency they confer. We have no other currency for women. I understand why people spend their lives searching for that one magic supplement, that one bit of lore that will turn their “lifestyle” around and make them small and perfect and valuable for ever. I also understand, especially at this moment in history, why people long to step outside of politics for a day and eat kale-flavoured ice cream (real, not satire, actually good) in a warehouse full of Galadriels. But the idea that anything is apolitical is an illusion accessible only to a very few. And the absolute least the Galadriel-in-chief ought to do is acknowledge that.

The kale-flavoured ice-cream was actually good. Photograph: Lindy West

At 4.05pm I dash outside for my shaman appointment, only to be told they are running about an hour behind. “Should I come back in an hour,” I ask. “I mean, you could try,” the woman says in a way that means, “No”, or maybe, “Not with that bracelet”.

For her keynote to close the day, Paltrow purports to dissect the complexities and woes of being a working mother with a panel of famous gal pals: Cameron Diaz, Tory Burch, Nicole Richie and Miranda Kerr. How do they do it? How do they have it all? The women deliver a bounty of platitudes about ambition, female friendship, self-care, their mothers and sticking to one’s “practice”. They are charming and humble. Richie is funny. But at no point do any of them say the words: “I HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY AND A STAFF.” In the context of a conversation about the challenges facing working mothers, the omission is, frankly, bizarre. It is a basic responsibility of the privileged to refrain from taking credit for our own good fortune. They might as well have been reading from Ivanka Trump’s book proposal. As with all the other panels, they do not take questions.

There is one moment I can’t stop thinking about. Near the end, Kerr casually mentions that she once tried leech therapy as part of her wellness practice: “One was on my coccyx because it’s really good to, like, detox the body, rejuvenate the body … I had a leech facial as well. And I kept the leeches. They’re in my koi pond.”

I am fat. I was the fattest person at the Goop expo. Strangers regularly contact me to tell me that I’m unhealthy and I’m going to die. A sampler from my emails:

“Being obese is NOT OK. It is associated with many health risks including: diabetes, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and premature death. Go lose some weight you fat slob, and do it before you go on disability so we don’t have to pay for you.”

“I don’t know what sort of message you are trying to send out to young girls/women, but that it is OK to be obese, and it is some sort of feminist sin to want to keep to a natural healthy shape can’t be a good one.”

Kerr’s body is almost certainly what those people mean when they say “a natural healthy shape”, because our society conflates conventional beauty with health. But, I don’t know – I might be fat, but I’ve never felt like I needed to get an IV drip on a patio in Culver City or put leeches on my butt to suck out toxins, and I’m grateful for that.

I guess Goop did make me feel well after all.

Source link