#(also it really shows how people on the internet cannot fathom that u can still have more emotions to the people who've wronged u than hate

[ur-favoriterecord]

"Futaba and Haru should have been angrier about Akechi-" Y'all couldn't even handle Ken

[shadoodles]

Scroll on by, to avoid the clusterf*ck that is living in this house

I just really need to vent this out and even though i blocked the entire family when i part I'm still neurotic i missed one and they'd see this and suddenly they'd all know.

I am so miserable here. Back around last March i was finishing up my thesis and we were figuring out our next step and bf suggested we stay at his parents for 3 months before we went further south to my family. 3 months had me crying in the shower. I said no. But then my dad convinced gma to renovate the house and the space we could have used was gone. So 3 months with his parents. Ok i can do this. I've always been horribly awkward and uncomfortable around his mom but i could do this.

But then she got diagnosed with ALS. Our 3 months extended to a year. With nowhere else to really go and one more class to take i agreed to one year. Unhappily. We live in a very large room above the garage, free internet, they pay for food in the kitchen. Random toiletries etc. It would be a pretty sweet deal if his mother wasn't literally the personality i cannot stand the most. She's selfish. Everything she does (even if it seems like a nice thing to do) is to bask in the praise and thanks she receives from getting it. Otherwise it's for her own instant gratification. She's losing some dexterity and has some challenges speaking, but she's also an alcoholic who goes from intelligible to incapable of speaking English because she drinks liters of rum a week. She keeps falling down because drunk she thinks she can walk but she cannot. Then she bursts into tears on the floor and will not help you help her up. She is not a light woman. I'm convinced she's never been told no in her life. Her husband is an enabler of the highest degree in their fucked up codependent life where they hate each other and decided to just let everyone around them suffer. He does every. single. thing. she asks or demands. Her whole family does. They've all been trained to cater to this woman who to my eyes is a giant waste of oxygen.

You cannot tell them how you really feel. It's not how things are done in this family. It would make bf's dad sad and probably make his mother cry so you just have to smile and say "uh huh" and "I'm fine." I've been crushing down this hatred and frustration for months and it's killing me but she's dying and he has anxiety and stress and hey, free rent, right? But the sheer waste i see here. It's not my money but i cannot fathom how she manages to spend money like this when bfdad constantly talks about how little they have. (Already taking into account that this house is huge and his concept of little has probably skewed a bit.)

She bought a $3000 boat from Craigslist. It was broken. She bought a $2000 pellet stove for our room because we have no insulation and we use it but I'm 99% sure they didn't check with the people who care about building codes to install it. They turned the $3000 host in to the junk people for a couple hundred bucks. Then she bought a $7000 boat. Bf and i had mentioned kayaks would have been a better choice. Whoops. She bought 2 kayaks and 2 stand up paddle boards. They have water access in the backyard, but it's tidal and half the day it's just mud as far as the eye can see and no dock. SO SHE'S BUYING A FLOATING DOCK. she bought a gate for the property so it can protect the driveway but not the property line around it. Another couple thousand. Her Christmas presents were bags of thoughtless junk she won on an online bidding site. It's so much waste.

Someone's i cook in the kitchen here. It's a nice kitchen. His dad is happy i make him food. No one here can actually cook. She's complained no one feeds her. But we always put some in a tupperware for her. 2 days later bf or i eat it because she would just let it go to rot.

Speaking of rot, this house is a farm. 3 sucks, 3 chickens, 2 turtles, 3 tiny dogs and a cat. Everywhere is poop. She kept buying animals or convincing bfdad to buy animals, but they don't train them, they refuse to take them to vets, they don't give them affection. It d i s g u s t s me. The only animal she wants to make her feel better is the small brown dog who is about the size of a travel mug and is terrified of everything. This dog has run away twice. She had 12 teeth removed because they didn't care for her teeth. She's only better off than the white dogs because she's 8 years younger. Yesterday bfmom fell on the brown dog. I tried to pick her up to put her in the dog cage and she _screamed._ bfmom thinks she's ok. I don't know.

Bfdad is out of town and i don't think rent is worth replacing his hand and foot catering of this woman. She left a note for the second time to not leave dishes in the sink, which infuriates me because i wash everything that doesn't fit in the dishwasher. Everything. She's so out of touch she's micro managing non-problems. She also had bfdad put the kitchen trash cans outside because they're "dirty" and has a trash bag in the sink. I feel wholly unwelcome in the kitchen right now and so a while month of food is probably going to rot because i can't use the kitchen to cook.

She has us bring her small brown dog and take small brown dog out. She wants to pawn her responsibility for white dogs off on us and have us show them the attention she doesn't give them because they're getting, smell bad and poop and pee on any available surface. She wants us to bring them to our room. It's the last bastion against bodily fluids up here and i refuse. I'm taking as much care of the cat as i can. He's not my cat, but i am his human and next to bf he's the only shining light is this cesspit of shared misery.

When his sisters visit they spend as much time at their significant others as they can. I'm jealous that they're in relationships with families who feel homey and who are fun to be around.

I had a panic dream i was at her funeral and everyone was asking me to tell a good story about her. And i kept trying to run away.

I have zero good stories about her. She's a self absorbed, spoiled, drunken child who cares more about appearances than people.

Long story short on Monday i start looking for a therapist. My anger and hatred have dug up a level of depression i haven't felt in over 10 years and it's unhealthy. Also i have minimum until June to deal. Not that we're on a path to jobs and money so unless something drastic changes i get to just slowly go insane.

[yehet-sebooty-ohorat]

BTS feels (that no one asked for)

this is a mess and disorganized and full of feels but oh well and kinda long 

Lol k so I went to The Wings Tour in Newark Day 2. And I deadass had tickets the farthest away you could be like if I reached behind me that was the wall and if I reached up it was the ceiling. But that didnt matter because it was still amazing af. 

First. BTS appearing literally like watered my crops and made me skin clear, etc.  Not Today was absolutely amazing and the energy in the room was so great. Then they did their opening mention which was really cute will all the members trying their best to introduce themselves and speak in english. 

Also let me tell you “I’m your angel...I’m hour hope.... I’m J-hope” is like the best thing my ears had heard in like a year and a month ok like wow (previous best thing was like any word sehun spoke in my presence)

Then they did Am I Wrong which has a fucking lit af choreo and I was like damn BTS get it

Another side note: because I was up so high I could really easily see formations and stuff and damn that was so cool to see... especially for I Need U 

Anyway then they did solo performances with a few other songs from the Wings album mixed in. 

Kookie - Ok let me tell you this kid can sing... this kid can dance like holy crap watching his legs was giving me an existential crisis because how can someone move that fast idk man but one he did so well

Jimin - Lie is probably my favorite of the songs for the solo performances. I just love the music piece so much and Jimin freaking killed it omg. I love the choreo so much and he sang so well and wow 

Namjoon - This was probably the most low key of all the solos. But it was also one of the most impactful for me. He put a lot of emotion into his performance and you could tell. And one of my favorite parts was when he says “ I wish I could love myself” and the crowd responded “ We Love You” every time, in unison, and it was so beautiful but yes

Yoongi - Ok this performance almost made me cry. I respect Yoongi so much. he has gone through so much to get to where he is and he really put his heart and soul into the performance he gave and you could see the emotion on his face and damn like my soul was snatched

Jin - This was an absolutely beautiful performance. Jin is a beautiful person and he put so much emotion into his singing. My ears were blessed, my eyes were blesses, my soul was touched. Man I love Jin lol appreciate him more guys 

Tae - Ok this kid and his vocal range I cannot. He absolutely SLAYED the stage while he was on it. He was having a lot of fun and damn that kid can sing. Bless him 

Hobi - Ok no one can tell me Hobi is anything other than the fucking sun. He was constantly running around and jumping and smiling and having fun not only during his solo but throughout the whole concert. It was so uplifting to see him being so energetic and it fed the audience so well. Bless him omg he is seriously so precious and damn

Cypher pt 4 slayed my soul and I'm dead that is all 

The Medely of their old songs was also really cool. Those are the songs that brought me into kpop and it was so special for me to be able to see them and hear them live. Especially Boy in Love. And the audience was absolutely amazing singing and raping along with the members. They were having fun walking around the stage and interacting with fans and it was amazing to see.

Boy Meets Evil was the performance I was looking forward to most and HOLY CRAP J-HOPE FUCKING SLAYED OMG LIKE DAMN. Everyone appreciate him more because he is so talented and damn. Like kicking over his shoulder and stuff omg

B, S & T was amazing and I don't wanna talk about it because I cannot fathom the epicness

Outro: Wings. This was amazing af. The crowd was so into it and singing, they were into it so much and it was great lol idk how to put it into words. And then there was an added portion for a dance thing or whatever where they all went and did something stupid and MIN FUCKING YOONGI LIKE DROPPED IT LIKE IT WAS HOT and omg I was blessed and laughing so hard and damn 

The fan project was absolutely beautiful and I am so happy to have been able to participate in it. (The rainbow if you don't know look it up on twitter or ask for a pic from me) You could tell the members were really touched (because they said so and their faces said so and omg) and I love the sense of community that came with it.

The ending meant ( I’m gonna talk about yoongi, jimin, rap mon) almost made me cry. First of all Jimin, bless his lil heart “I’m so touched by your love” in near perfect english and probably on the verge of tears. I almost lost it myself. Then Yoongi “You guys are the reason my dream is coming true”. That sentence is something I will remember forever. I cannot put into words how proud I am of him and how privileged I feel to be able to help fuel his  dream. And then Rap Mon. He loves the fans, and he frequently speaks of music being universal, which could not be more true. He taught the crowd the word 함께 (hamkke) which means together. And that truly is what we are. He was talking about how you are never truly alone and I believe that message is so so important. The other members were really grateful as well. 

Two! Three! Still Wishing There Will be Better Days gave me so many feels because the audience was singing along and omg it was beautiful 

Spring Day was beautiful ok like wow

after the last song they were walking around the stage and waving and stuff and J-hope and Jimin and Rap Mon and Yoongi were making sure to wave to every section (including mine in the nose bleed section) , later once they moved back to the main stage Tae and Jin and Kookie were waving everywhere too and it was great. You could tell they didn't wanna leave yet and the crowd didn't want them to leave either. 

After it was all said and done there was the little credits thing with Yo uNever Walk Alone playing on it and man you really don't ever walk alone. 

I got to meet quite a few people at this concert. 4-5 of my internet friends who I had never met before were there and the people I was sitting around were absolutely lovely. I love kpop concerts so much because of the community and if you ever talk to me it will usually be the first thing I say. The second thing I will say is that there is almost nothing more magical than being the direct source of inspiration and motivation and the direct fuel of these people who you love. For me especially these people saved my life and I cannot thank them enough for that and being able to support them is truly a privilege for me. My voice is still gone from singing along so loudly and I wouldn't change a thing. 

This concert, along with the other two I have been to and the one I will be going to in April are my best memories and some of my best experience and I wouldn't trade them for the world. 

And now that I am all emo and you probably are too I am gonna go get some ice cream and cry a little

Oh and ps if anyone wants to see pics or videos just pm me and I can show you