#(also I spelled Pfeiffer wrong)

[jovoy]

one of my worst and most infuriating memories of all time was my fifth grade spelling bee. now a little background…i was/am still a huge know it all when it comes to grammar and spelling things especially as a child like i took SOOOOOOOOO much pride in never misspelling anything on my essays and tests and stuff because i also read a lot of books so i knew a lot of words. i was like a little sponge of a child i loved absorbing new big words and then spelling them so i could impress people. i also grew up with rampant undiagnosed autism and adhd which is only kind of tangentially related. anyways come spring the spelling bee rolls around in my fifth grade english class and of course i volunteer to be in it because i am a huge know it all and i love spelling. i have big big dreams i wanna go all the way to scripps i wanna be keke palmer in akeelah and the bee i want this so bad. and wouldnt you know it my first word i have to spell is marshmallow. so i being a very smart and intelligent 9 year old spell it m-a-r-s-h-m-A-l-l-o-w and im very confident and secure in the fact that i spelled it correctly. and stupid jerk asshole mrs pfeiffer says actually jovoy you spelled that wrong. and i say no i didnt. and she points to the paper and on the key its fucking spelled MARSHMELLOW and apparently theres an english and an american way of spelling marshmallow and they werent accepting the english version and i was so unbelievably devastated and being kind of shy and anxious i didnt fight harder for it to get accepted the way i spelled it even though my way was also technically correct and if you ask me definitely the actual correct way. anyways i told this entire story just to ask you how would you spell marshmallow in a spelling bee. just thinking about this memory makes me shake with rage im not kidding you im so furious right now

[cassandrapentayaaaaas]

!!!!! Miranda Raison is gonna be in Murder on the Orient Express and if you can’t tell by the exclamation points I am terribly p l e a s e d by this news !!!!!

[booknymph02]

Mother! Review/PSA:

Warning: spoilers (but they are necessary), cursing (I apologize, but I am angry), description of something that caused me to have a full-blown panic attack.

I get to the point at the end, just bear with me.

Okay, first off, I have read explanations of the metaphor being brought out in the movie, and in theory, I think it’s a very good thing to bring out the fact that we are destroying the earth, and make people upset about it. However, the movie made me upset for so many different reasons.

When it first begins, and throughout the rest of it really, I was so fucking lost. It starts out with J-Law waking up and the rest of her day just being her walking around, looking as lost and confused as I felt. And then this old, crusty bastard who’s about to die and shit comes to her house, and her husband, John fucking Winchester (who is supposed to represent God, but I find him more akin to Satan- we’ll get to that later) invites the bastard to stay in their home without asking how she feels about it.

This man says he’s a doctor, but then you find out differently??? I think, anyways...I was still so fucking confused by what I was watching. So, the guy stays the night, getting sick at one point as J-Law’s husband (hereafter named Mr. Douchebag) helps him as he empties his stomach in the toilet. The morning after, he wakes up and is perfectly fine, none of them except J-Law seeming to recall he was ever sick.

Cue doorbell, which J-Law answers to find Michelle Pfeiffer (I don't fucking know how it’s spelled, so I hope that’s correct), the doctor man’s wife whom we didn’t know existed. Cue Mr. Douchebag also inviting her to stay, despite J-Law looking as confused and outraged as I felt, yet again. This proceeds to them blatantly being rude and overstaying their welcome, trashing and exploring the house as much as they want. They even break something extremely important to Mr. Douchebag, at which point, despite the multiple reasons (which were only happening to J-Law, so who cares, right? It’s not like he’s her husband and should listen to her when she feels this has gone far enough...) they should have been kicked out earlier, he finally decides they should leave. Instead, the couple proceeds to go have sex in the guest room- after which the man gets sick again- blatantly ignoring J-Law and acting as if they didn’t do anything wrong when she asks them again to leave.

Cue the first born son of bastard doctor and Michelle Pfeiffer barging into the house without permission and acting like he owns the place, seeking out his father. Cue second born following him and starting a fight in which he kills the first born. Cue J-Law having a nervous breakdown (one of several- we will also discuss this later) as she is left alone to mop up the blood while Mr. Douchebag takes bastard doctor, Michelle, and their now-dead son to the hospital (because he somehow deems that his job, despite them still being fucking strangers who have been nothing but rude). Second born walks out, returning later that night through the same door (which J-Law had locked, so, wtf???) to pick up what I assumed to be his wallet and give J-Law a weird speech about being left behind, before again leaving the way he had before.

Cue return of Mr. Douchebag, before they both return to bed and the audience believes everything is done with this random family. Cue middle-of-the-fucking-night return of bastard and Michelle, followed by impromptu funeral gathering of friends and family, whom we and J-Law have never seen. Cue J-Law finding out her husband had again approved of something without asking her. Cue mass destruction as unwanted guests pile into the house and continue doing everything J-Law asks them not to, leading to two particularly disrespectful guests destroying the kitchen sink and causing the pipes to burst. Cue everyone leaving for what we believe is forever. 

Cue fighting between J-Law and Mr. Douchebag, who then decide to have sex. Cue time-skip, and now suddenly everything is ok, and they are a happy couple. Mr. Douchebag is on his way to finishing his masterpiece, a poem he started at the beginning of J-Law’s pregnancy. (Let me just say, no matter how much writer’s block I’ve had, I can finish a poem in- at most- two to three days.) Suddenly, J-Law feels the baby (I’m am still so angry- you’ll see why) kicking, and runs to tell Mr. Douchebag, who has now finished his “poem.” They have some weird, semi-sweet semi-I-don’t-fucking-know moment, then you find out he has already sent the poem to his publisher, despite having just finished it seconds ago, and despite there being no modern technology in that house, except for a landline phone. He literally writes the “poem” with a quill pen, and has no way of even faxing it.

Cue more time passing, and J-Law is cooking a nice dinner. We still believe everything is great between her and Mr. Douchebag. At this point, she has reached full maturity in her pregnancy, and is ready to pop that baby out (although I’m fully aware that it doesn’t work that easily). Just before they can sit down to a peaceful dinner, not bothered by anyone, people (crazed fans) show up to take pictures with Mr. Douchebag and proceed to crash their house, this time stealing things and ripping apart walls (at one point, J-Law tries to call the police, before the phone is ripped from the wall).

Mini rant before I continue with this: the “poem” was most likely actually prose, because it takes up a whole book, and we are only led to believe he wrote one piece. However, when J-Law reads the final handwritten copy, it only takes up one page, so none of this actually adds up at all. Also, it’s extremely difficult to get a full book of just poetry published which is written by only one author, unless they have novels written that were successful before that. And we are led to believe he has successful writings other than this, but I believe they were also poems, because his fans continuously refer to him as “The Poet.” (This ends my mini rant.)

After multiple strange, apocalyptic happenings representing the progression of society to this day, and different parts of the house being destroyed, J-Law is knocked into multiple objects and people, and she has multiple breakdowns, during which her anger somehow shakes the house. After being hit in the stomach so many times that it probably should have caused the baby to die while in the womb, she goes into labor. When searching for a safe place to give birth, she tries to leave the house (she never leaves the house during the entire movie, and I believe she and her baby would fucking survive had she been allowed to, but that wasn’t in the cards for their fate) but is pulled back by Mr. Douchebag to the only unoccupied room in the house, which I think was the bedroom, but could have been the study. She then gives birth to a surprisingly healthy baby boy, and there is a moment where the audience believes everything was a dream and she will wake up in a hospital bed, perfectly safe. However, the audience is always wrong to have any slice of hope.

Mr. Douchebag wishes to show his fans the baby, but J-Law will not let him even hold the baby for a second (rightfully so). Sadly, though she does guard him diligently, two days pass with her sitting in the same position without sleep, begging at intervals for Mr. Douchebag to please tell everyone to leave (his response is to stare menacingly at her). She finally succumbs to sleep for a few seconds, waking to find her baby has been taken by Mr. Douchebag, who proceeds to showcase him to the awaiting crowd. This crowd rejoices, taking the baby and crowd-surfing him, as he cries and J-Law chases him, not being able to reach him in time before he is passed too roughly and his neck is snapped, killing him. At this point, I ran out of the theater crying and having a panic attack, followed by several people, apparently agreeing with me that that action was horrendously in poor taste. Minutes later, my friend came out of the theater to tell me she also couldn’t finish the movie because at the point which she had left, the crowd was chopping up and eating the now-mutilated baby.

I bring you to the closing statement of what I want to say. I am simply posting this to give warning to people like myself, who might be triggered by the events in the movie. I could feel my panic sink in every time she had a panic attack, and it all escalated at events that I don’t want to mention, other than the fact that they are recreations of what ISIS has done when executing people, and allusions to sexual assault. The baby was the breaking point for my panic attack. I don’t want to say that the movie is terrible, but I think if you are like me, and have depression, anxiety, etc., it can be harmful to watch. I’m only putting this out to say what I wish someone had told me before I watched it. I understand that some of you are going to tell me I just shouldn’t have gone to an R rated movie, but here’s the thing. I’ve been to R rated movies before, but never have I been so disturbed and triggered by one that I had to walk out. I would have appreciated being told that I would hear the sound of a baby’s neck snapping echoed around a theater, so that’s why I’m telling you guys so you don’t go if you are especially freaked out by such a grotesque and awful thing.

[josebarrmageddon]

Dark Shadows (2012) 5th Anniversary

Dark Shadows was originally a 60′s Soap Opera that dealt with Gothic horror elements and dark story tones. In all intents and purposes, it is the perfect set for Tim Burton to tackle. Now, if you read any review on the movie, they’ll tell you the same thing.That it’s a half baked mess, a wobbly plot with no effort. Yes, that is all true, but as a Tim Burton fan and a creative mind myself, I can still see something of merit in this film. First off, the setting. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I absolutely love period pieces, particularly those set in the 70′s. It’s hard to not be wowed by Burton’s visuals, this is no exception. The 70′s decor and color is memorizing and done just. It’s really saying “look at how weird the 70′s were”, it’s simply addressing the time for what it was. The music, the clothes, even the film grain oozes with age.

The cast of Dark Shadows is made up of such strong talent. the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer, Jonny Lee Miller, Helena Bonham Carter, and Jackie Earl Haley. But the two that stand out are Johnny Depp and Eva Green. The plot revolves around Barnabas Collins(Depp) who leaves Angelique Bouchard(Green) for the true love of his life, Josette. Hurt by his betrayal, Angelique casts a spell on Barnabas that turns him into a vampire and traps for two centuries, until finally escaping. Their relationship is that of high school caliber, they insult each other but still have sexual desires. Depp is always a marvel to watch and here, his presence makes the entire scene a riot. His comedy comes from how sophisticated he is in such a loose and casual environment. Eva Green is phenomenal in her role, being conniving and slithery, but also passionate and fair. She is a witch who got her heart broken and want justice for it. Even though she is in such a position of power and can come out winning, she is denied what she strives for.

The film’s plot starts with Victoria Winters comeing to Collinswood to help David Collins cope with the loss of his mother, but once Barnabas is introduced, it takes a comical shift and focuses on him. Nothing wrong with that, but his interactions with the family are so loose and lead to nothing, it makes it feel pointless and that is the problem, it doesn’t match with anything. Now, if it were up to me, the plot would be this.

We are introduced to Bella Heathcote as Victoria Winters and observe the Collins through her eyes. Everything stays the same, until she encounters the Ghost of Josette. But instead of a ghost, she hears footsteps downstairs and heads out to investigate, only to find Willie(Jackie Earle Haley) sneaking outside and driving away with the family car( which was already said to have been in a disrepair). As the film progresses, Victoria gets closer with David, even though all he wants to talk about is ghosts. He has a curious taste for the afterlife, as we see him dressing up as a ghost around the house, standing in corners and watching the rest of the family. One night, Victoria will see David in costume in her room, only to find that it is actually the Ghost of Josette warning her that “He’s Coming”. Victoria would ask the family if they had heard or seen anything unusual in the house recently, to which they will all deny, except Willie, who she can never seem to find.

After the first 45 minutes, we follow Willie as he spends his nights running errands around town, not for the family though, for his own needs. At the house, David’s father, Roger is always hostile towards him, but shows a fancy towards Victoria. During an argument between Willie and Roger, he is about to strike him, when Victoria comes in and defends Willie, causing Roger to shuffle away embarrassed. Willie thanks her, but quickly dismisses her once she asks him what he does all night. As Victoria and David’s sessions go on, he shows her some drawings of ghosts he made, which shock Victoria as they have a strong resemblance to “someone of her past”. Victoria attempts to talk to Roger that his son may be able to see ghosts, but he pays little attention to it. Elizabeth(Pfeiffer) overhears this and advises Victoria to lure David away from these kinds of things. Victoria begins to explain herself, but stops as she seems to troubled by something.

While walking around the grounds, Victoria hears voices. Feeling paranoid, she walks cautiously in fear, but finds that the voices are coming from Willie who is carrying a heavy box down to the basement through the garage. Upon close inspection, Victoria notices it is a coffin. Willie warns her about telling anyone and threatens to tell Elizabeth about her own “demons”. This horrifies Victoria, but agrees and goes to find David. She tells him and Elizabeth that she may not be able to help him and will leave Collinswood the next day. On her last night, the Ghost of Josette appears one last time and leads Victoria away. She continues to call out for help as she walks out of the house and through the woods. Victoria hurries after her and catches up only to see Josette reach the end of a cliff, turn around, and plead for help once more. In a hypnotic stare, she falls off. Victoria is left alone, cold and confused as she begins to cry out. She is then approached by David who comforts her and admits that he “sometimes sees her too”. They both meet Elizabeth back at the house and this is where Victoria reveals her story, same as in the movie. Her name is Maggie Evans and she has been able to see ghosts since she was young. Upon spending several years in a mental institute, she escaped and found the job in Collinswood. Elizabeth allows Victoria to stay as long as she continues to help David. Meanwhile, in the basement, Willie is hunched over the coffin he was dragging earlier, when it suddenly opens, revealing a long arm that nearly strangles him. In the morning, Victoria and David prepare to go down stairs for breakfast and both promise to help each other. Victoria enters the dinning room to where Elizabeth introduces a new guest to the rest of the family, Barnabas Collins.

So that would be my movie, then this would act as a sequel with Barnabas and Victoria’s relationship blossoming as well as his revenge on Angelique. Every fan goes through a period where they think that their favorite actor or show or writer can do no wrong, that everything they produce is solid gold and stands on an impossibly high pedestal. But as one grows up, they start to see that sometimes, their artist doesn’t make the best thing that they could’ve. For me that was Alice in Wonderland(2010), not Dark Shadows. It’s a movie I always find myself watching at least twice a year and loving everything about it, even if my version is a little bit more coherent.

-Jose Barr(5-11-2017)

FUN Fact:

Last appearance by Johnathan Fried, the original Barnabas Collins

[thomasthompson1-blog]

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