#(Though I could make a spicy edition list for a Sunday sometime.)

[more-than-a-princess]

@awesomeuchuu​ asked: 7. “What motivates you to get to those drafts?” 8. “Any current reads you’d recommend?”

Munday Questions (It’s not Munday but there’s a lot going on offline for me right now and I could use all the good vibes. Especially tomorrow!) - Accepting

7. “What motivates you to get to those drafts?”

A few things! But to be fair, I don’t need a lot of motivation most of the time.

Writing is my escape from work and other offline responsibilities. Overall, unless I’ve hit a writers block or I’m annoyed by something on dash, I’m really happy to be here. At any given time, I’m often into some threads and interactions more than others, meaning ideas and how to continue them come naturally without having to think it over too much or plot with the other mun. But I still like what I create here: I try to only take on what I’m comfortable with, which is why this blog has fewer threads and longer turnaround times than others I’ve seen, but have longer threads and more detailed interactions as well.

In terms of process though, I keep to a content calendar (or schedule) and try to gauge my dash as to when to post and what to post. If I didn’t write nearly every day or post every day, I believe I’d simply abandon the blog altogether or drop every thread/ask in order to start anew often. I really dislike this behavior and so I do my best not to do it myself: knowing how much one can handle is important. No matter what: you can’t write with everyone you want to at any given time (for most people, at least!). There just isn’t enough time in the day to make that happen, which is why I try to cap my asks and urge those without interactions to send them in. It’s the best I can do to give as many interested muns a chance to interact.

8. “Any current reads you’d recommend?”

I miss reading actual books for pleasure. A lot of what I read now outside of work is reddit and blogs for various interests and advice (I’m reading a lot about being a first time home buyer, real estate, interest rates, and other things regarding buying property right now). I have a stack of Julia Quinn novels I’ve yet to get to and I feel like until I’m able to go on a slow-paced vacation (like the beach, despite how much I don’t like tropical beaches), I’ll never get to them all. And the other books I’ve been collecting for awhile (with another in a series I read coming out at the end of May!).

Instead, I read some online manga or manhwa during my downtime during meals or right before bed. Mangakatana is my preference, so I’ll link a few things that I’m reading that aren’t popular/made into a recent anime right now. My preferred genres are Josei and Seinen, for the most part, and I’ve tried to link titles that aren’t entirely NSFW-focused. For the ones with the smut tag, the sex is only part of the story without being the full story, if that makes sense!

Here we go, the recommendations:

A Rare Marriage: How to Grill Our Love - Slice of Life manga about a young, newly married couple in their thirties who deal with couple-y situations and day-to-day issues by grilling meat. Yes, you will get hungry. Yes, you will want to hug your significant other.

I Found Somebody To Love - Legal age difference manhwa between a college professor and a former student. Feels.

Real Clothes - Are you a fan of fashion-themed manga like Paradise Kiss and Princess Jellyfish? Read this next: it’s more industry-based than romance-based, but still great. Also see: Bibi.

Gold - Soap. Opera. Cheese. Fashion, high society, screwed up families, romantic liaisons (yes this means sex). Yes, the art looks like it’s straight out of the 80s. It’s great.

Collectors - I’ve never identified with two women more in my life based on their hobbies. One loves fashion, the other loves books, I’m wondering how to fit both into my living space (but these two seem to be figuring it out). 

Yume no Shizuku, Kin no Torikago - Loosely based on real 16th Century history in the Ottoman Empire. Smut for obvious historical reasons: the MC becomes part of a harem. Some questionable consent, in case you don’t want to read that.

Lonely Planet - That One Manga Everyone’s OC Has A FC From. But it’s a good read. To pay off her father’s debts, a high school student becomes a housekeeper for a writer.

Bread & Butter - Two thirty-somethings find love again over baking. Now that I’m in my 30s, I love when there’s older protags in romantic relationships and it’s not just them focusing on parenthood. 

Lucia and Under The Oak Tree - The two European-styled Josei manhwa I read. Fewer jokes/humor than other historical manhwa, lots of drama, some sex.

Innocent - The cooler, edgier big sister of Rose of Versailles. French Revolution with all the gore, sex, family drama, and generally screwed up situations that Lady Oscar never had to face. This one is a hard read, but a very good one. Some of the most beautiful art ever. And almost everyone needs a hug.

NOTE: This manga is split up into two different series. Read Innocent first, and then go on to Innocent Rouge. It’s the second half of the story.

An Hour Of Romance - I need the K-drama adaptation ASAP. A marketing executive and her new intern, after visiting a Korean temple, switch bodies for an hour every day and have to figure out how to stay themselves. Permanently. Freaky Friday with all the cuteness, angst, and will-they-won’t-they that K-dramas provide.

The God of Pro Wrestling - One of these things is not like the others...and this is it. I read this with my fiancé actually, who has been a wrestling fan for a long time. He gets all the WWF/WWE references that I miss (I only started watching off and on 6-7 years ago or so), but it’s a pretty fun interpretation of the American wrestling industry in the late 90s/early 2000s (based on the real-life wrestlers and personalities who have fictional portrayals here). I’m still waiting on my WWE faves to show up at some point. 

And a few more popular things I re-read or try to keep up with: Tokyo Manji Revengers, The Way of the House Husband, Princess Jellyfish, Tokyo Tarareba Girls (this one is a mood. Often.), Love Is Hard For An Otaku, Welcome to the Ballroom, Paradise Kiss, and if it ever gets updated...Nana. I miss you, Ai Yazawa. 

[all-things-skam]

Jens’ season | Chapter two

Sunday, January 12th

Going to lunch with Robbe and Sander was Jens' worst idea to date. The two were still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and constantly making heart eyes at each other across the table, completely ignoring Jens.

When Jens made it to the café, Robbe was wearing what appeared to be one of Sander's tee shirts - it was way too big to belong to Robbe - and the older boy was all over Robbe, clinging onto and kissing him, making it even clearer to Jens that he was third-wheeling the couple's lunch date.

Sometimes, Jens missed being in a relationship.

Single life was good too, though. No need to explain yourself and share your whereabouts all the time, or return calls and messages under five minutes. Freedom felt too good for Jens to give up celibacy.

The waiter brought over their orders, awkwardly clearing his throat as he slid Robbe’s plate in front of him. By the look on Robbe’s face, it was clear that he was uncomfortable. Sander didn’t seem to care, still whispering into Robbe’s ear and kissing his cheek.

If Jens hadn’t been so used to their behavior, he would’ve felt uncomfortable too.

‘’Did you finish editing the vlog?’’ Robbe asked, breaking the silence.

‘’Is it the one where Moyo cracks his pants?’’ Sander demanded, a sly grin creeping across his lips.

Jens nodded. ‘’Yeah, that’s the one.’’ He paused, taking a bite of his grilled sandwich, chasing it down with a fry.. ‘’Sander, did Robbe tell you about the hot pepper he ate? Poor guy was crying.’’ Jens made a dramatic frown, pretending to feel sorry for his best friend. Robbe chucked a piece of bread at him.

‘’Shut up.’’ Robbe narrowed his eyes. ‘’I wasn’t crying…’’

Okay, he wasn’t ‘tears streaming down his face crying’, but there were real tears pooling in Robbe’s eyes from how spicy the pepper was and Jens had the proof on tape. He couldn’t argue with that.

‘’Aw,’’ Sander cooed teasingly. ‘’Couldn’t handle the spice, uh?’’

''I'd like to see you try and taste it! It was fucking hot, okay?''

The blond scoffed. ''Robbe, your tolerance is less than impressive. You can't handle hot Cheetos. They’re not even that spicy!''

‘’They make my lips feel tingly. I hate it.’’

Sander leaned closer to his boyfriend, lowering his voice. ‘’I can name something else that makes your lips feel all tingly…’’ He had this smug look on his face as Robbe pinched his thigh, a silent warning.

The bell resonated across the café as a new customer walked in, causing Jens to lift his eyes from his plate, needing a distraction from the intimate exchange happening in front of him. He didn’t mind them acting like that, there are just some things Jens would rather not hear or know about his best friend.

The customer’s back was facing Jens, but he recognized the curly fringe and denim jacket.

Hands stuffed inside his pockets, Lucas, glanced at the menu over the counter, uncertain. He looked around, searching for nothing in particular and smiled, face lighting up when seeing a familiar face inside the café.

Jens raised his hand and waved him over, offering a helping hand to the new kid. Or, that’s what he told himself.

Lucas walked over to Jens’s table, smiling bright. ‘’Hi.’’

‘’Wanna join us?’’

‘’I don’t want to intrude…’’ Lucas glanced at Robbe and Sander.

Jens shook his head. ‘’You’re not,’’ he assured him. ’’I already feel like a third wheel. If you join us, I won’t have to talk to myself for the rest of lunch.’’

‘’Okay.’’ Lucas sat down next to Jens, his presence going unacknowledged by the couple in front of them. He brushed his knee against Jens’, causing a warmth in his stomach that seemed to spread throughout his body. ‘’Lucas,’’ he introduced himself, shaking Robbe and Sander’s hands. ‘’So, what’s good here? Last time, I ordered a ham and cheese sandwich and it was less than tasty.’’ Lucas grimaced at the memories. ‘’I’ll take some of your recommendations, if you don’t mind.’’

‘’It depends what you’re in the mood for,’’ Sander said, detaching himself from Robbe a bit, playing connaisseur. ‘’Personally, I wouldn’t recommend the croques. Not crunchy enough and burnt on one side most of the time. They serve them good-side-up thinking you won’t notice.’’

‘’So, no croques, I take it?’’

Sander grinned. ‘’No croques. Coffee’s good though.’’

‘’Noted.’’ He stole a fry from Jens’s plate.

‘’Those are mine!’’

Lucas shrugged, happily eating his fry. ‘’I take it you don’t share your food. You have plenty. Selfish much, uh?’’ He cocked an eyebrow, giving Jens a judgemental look.

The latter rolled his eyes. ‘’So? Are the fries good?’’

‘’They’re alright, I guess. But, I’m gonna order cake. I’m more of a sweet tooth.’’

.

Monday, January 113th

Noises were coming from the kitchen when Jens came home from school. He frowned and removed his shoes and jacket, leaving the latter with his backpack in the entrance. He'd take them upstairs later.

His dad's shoes weren't on the small carpet which meant he wasn't home - again.

Jens headed down the hallway, seeing his mom, still in her work uniform, pulling out a box of pasta from the pantry and frantically moving around the kitchen.

''Mom?''

At her son's voice, the brunette woman snapped her head around, flashing him a quick smile. ''You're home early.''

''Yeah, Mr. Montez let us out before the bell so I got to catch an earlier bus,'' the teenager explained. ''Need a hand?''

''That would be very helpful.''

Jens moved to the stove, pulling out a pot and filled it with water. He didn't know what his mom was cooking, but judging by the pastas on the counter top, she was going to need to boil them.

Jens hoped for his dad's sake that his job interview wasn't a lie. His mom was exhausted from taking extra shifts all the time. Someone else needed to bring money home.

Christmas had been less festive than usual. The smaller amount of money in the Stoffels' pockets was reflected in Christmas dinner and handful of presents under the tree. Jens had to renounce the new skateboard he wanted, his parents being on a tighter budget. He was sad, but his old skateboard still worked fine.

Waiting for the water to boil, Jens voiced the question that had been nagging him for the past few weeks. ''Why didn’t you say anything? About dad losing his job?''

Fenna stopped chopping the vegetables, going still for a few seconds. She let out a shaky breath and turned to her son, ready to address his concerns. ''Because we didn’t want to worry you, or Lotte. You know how prideful your dad is; he was embarrassed to tell his kids that he lost his job. He's forty-six. Losing your job at that age is difficult to take in, Jens. He tried to negotiate getting his job back, but his boss was firm with his decision.''

Jens let his head fall and his eyes close. He knew this was a difficult subject for both his parents, yet he brought it up. ‘’I’m sorry, Mom.’’

His mom shook her head. She was so grateful to have a son like Jens. So caring and empathetic. But, this wasn't his fault. Nothing concerning his father's job loss was. ‘’It’s not your fault. It happens.’’ She pulled a pan from the cupboard and set it beside the cooking pasta. ''What time is it?’’

‘’Almost four,’’ Jens responded, checking the time on his phone.

‘’Crap. I have to get going. They need a nurse to fill-in for the night and I couldn't afford to decline. That's why I was preparing dinner a bit early. Guess I didn't judge my time very well… I also have to pick up your sister from school and drop her here and-''

''Mom? Mom!'' His sharp tone cut through her increasingly panicked one. ''Put everything down. I can make dinner. Pastas are easy to make, right?''

‘’And Lotte-’’

''I’m sure Ines’ mom will take Lotte home with them if you ask. She lives two blocks from here,’’ Jens suggested, solving another problem on his mom’s checklist.

She grabbed her jacket, bag, and keys, listing the rest of the dinner’s recipe to him. Jens nodded along without really hearing her, knowing he could just wing it. Like he said, pasta are relatively simple to make.

“Got it,’’ Jens assured her, confidently. ‘’Just go, Mom. We’ll be fine, I promise.''

Fenna sighed. “Okay, okay I’m leaving. I love you Jens. Take good care of your sister while I’m gone.”

Love you too, Jens thought, hearing the front door close after she left the kitchen. He turned back to the stove and his eyes widened in surprise at the boiling water overflowing from the pot. He quickly grabbed at the burner knob, flipping it to low while trying to avoid the scalding water.

.

Tuesday, January 14th

It was the first time that Jana came over since they broke up. She hadn't sat on Jens's bed in over a year, somehow, everything still felt familiar. Nothing had changed. The sheets were the same, Jens' clothes still sitting in an overflowing pile on the desk chair by the door. Even his electric guitar was in its same spot.

Jana smiled, looking around the bedroom. ''I missed this.''

Jens furrowed his eyebrows, confused. ''Missed what? My dirty clothes?'' He scooted higher on his bed, propping himself up against his pillows, and chuckled.

''No, idiot.'' She shook her head, holding back from chucking a pillow at him. ''Coming over, being here...with you. It's been so long.''

Two years.

Jens remembered the last time she was there. He was playing Fortnite with Robbe - and Moyo online. She came over, uninvited and without warning, and told Jens some bullshit story about forgetting her phone at Luka’s. This was where their relationship started to go downhill.

‘’Would you change anything about our past, if you could?’’ Jana asked, breaking the silence. She was sitting crossed legged, facing Jens.

Her question, although relatively simple, made Jens think twice before responding.

Although it was tempting to say yes, Jens shook his head. He wouldn’t lie, there were decisions and actions he wasn’t proud of, but his past led them to where he was today. If he made even the slightest change, everything would have been different. And, not to sound cocky, but he was pretty proud of the person he’d become.

‘’If I say yes, we wouldn’t be the same people we are now. Our mistakes and decision makes who we are, who we became,’’ Jens responded, insightfully. ‘’So, no. I wouldn’t change a thing.’’

‘‘I see your point, but I’d still tempt my fate to make a couple changes.”

‘’I still feel bad for dating you behind her back and while you two were still together. I was ultimate friendship betrayal.’’ She looked down, thinking about how much pain it had caused her best friend. Poor Britt had luck with the cheater boyfriends... ‘’I should’ve kissed you before her.’’

Jens snickered a laugh, unable to believe her. ‘’How would you have done that? You were way too shy and always hiding in Britt’s shadow.’’

Jana raised her eyebrows. ‘’Oh yeah? Remind me who kissed you first at the Christmas party?’’

She uncrossed her legs and crawled over to Jens, passing one leg over his waist, straddling him, and pressed her lips to his in a gentle kiss. Jens’s tongue slipped between her parted lips, his hands finding the back of Jana’s sweater while Jana’s slid under his, kneading at his toned stomach.

The door opened, interrupting the teenagers.

‘’Jens, can you help me with-’’ The brunette girl stopped dead in her tracks, frowning when seeing a familiar face on her brother’s bed...on top of Jens. ‘’Jana?’’ There was uncertainty in her voice mixed with excitement.

The latter quickly removed herself from Jens’ lap, slightly embarrassed, and sat next to him instead. This was awkward… ''Hi, Lotte.’’ Jana grinned at the little girl. ‘’Haven’t seen you in so long. You’ve gotten so big.’’

Although things were going well between them, there was still factors that made Jens not want to get back together with his ex. And, as much as Lotte liked Jana, he didn't want to let her in too much. She was sad when Jens announced that Jana and him were over; it was best if she wasn’t too involved. He also didn't see himself explaining their relationship status to his eight years old sister.

Sitting up, Jens broke the interaction. ''Lotte, please leave us alone, will you? Go play with your dolls or something.'' He fixed his shirt so it wasn’t exposing his stomach anymore.

Unlike Jana, Jens didn’t only have his parents to worry about when making out with someone in his bedroom. He also had a little sister that didn’t understand the importance of knocking before walking into a room - nor the concept of privacy.

Lotte frowned. ‘’But, you said you’d help me with my multiplication…’’

‘’I’ll help you later. When Jana goes home, okay?’’

.

Wednesday, January 15th

It was almost 10pm when Jens descended to the kitchen to get a drink. He was working on a History assignment with Robbe via Facetime and it was taking them so long. History was neither of the boys’ forte.

The house was quiet since it was so late at night. The lights illuminating the staircase were dimmed, just bright enough to prevent someone from tripping on a misplaced shoe or stray sock.

Almost on the ground floor, Jens saw a light in the living room, coming from a small lamp. Jens frowned. He got closer and saw his mother's sleeping figure in the armchair. A sad smile formed on his lips. She must've fallen asleep there on accident, judging by the abandoned book laying open on her lap.

‘’Mom,’’ Jens said, gently shaking her awake on the armchair.

He felt bad for waking her, knowing that she needed rest after working all those long shifts at the hospital, but her neck would hurt later if she stayed there.

‘’Mom,’’ he tried again.

This time, her eyes fluttered open, slowly waking. She squinted her eyes in the light of the lamp. ‘’Jens?’’ She looked around, realizing that she fell asleep in the living room. ‘’How long was I out for?’’

‘’I don’t know, I just came down. I figured you’d be more comfortable in your bed.’’

Fenna smiled and nodded. ‘’Good idea. I have to be up early tomorrow.’’

‘’I thought Thursday was your off day?’’

‘’It is. But the bills are piling up and your dad....’’ She sighed, looking away.

Jens took a seat on the couch next to the armchair. ‘’I take it his job interview didn’t go well.’’

‘’I don’t know what to do anymore. Taxes are coming and I can’t take more shifts. I come home exhausted from double shifts and still, it isn't enough.’’ Fenna sighed, dropping her head in her hands in both despair and exhaustion. ‘’I knew it would be difficult to make ends meet when your dad lost his job, but I didn’t plan on neglecting you and your sister so much. We barely spend time together anymore, I miss it. I feel bad…’’

‘’We do spend time together, we cooked dinner on Monday.’’

His mom gave him a look. ‘’Chatting about our day over peeling carrots isn’t what I call spending time with my kids.’’

Jens shrugged, laughing. ‘’It still counts for me.’’

‘’I’m not sure your sister would say the same.’’

‘’You’re doing all you can, Mom.’’

.

Thursday, January 16th

The boys were playing Fortnite in Jens' bedroom, yelling at the TV at each wrong move. They had ordered pizza, the almost-empty boxes resting on the dresser with drinks surrounding them.

With his mom still at work and his dad out with Lotte at her weekly dance class, the teenager took full advantage of their absence by inviting his friends over to play video games. It’d been a while since they all met to hang out, one of them always busy with their significant other - mostly Robbe.

Moyo was really good, kicking Aaron's ass every time. It was amusing to watch him lose and rake his brain for the dumbest excuses, trying to justify his loss. Sore loser. Robbe's skills had decreased, now more keen on spending time with Sander than playing video games. He's in love, could you blame him?

'Game over' flashed across the screen, lettingAaron know he’d died. He gasped, shocked by his friend's betrayal. ''What the fuck, bro? We're on the same team!''

Jens shrugged, eyes focused on the screen. ''You were slowing me down.''

''I was covering for you and you shot me. Fucking traitor...''

''Covering for me? I almost got killed twice because of you.''

Aaron bickered back, defending himself again, but Jens wasn’t listening; this made Moyo laugh. If Robbe’s nose wouldn’t have been glued to his phone, he would’ve laughed too.

It was good to have everyone together again and not have to think of a video idea or film for the vlog channel. They love doing vlogs, but hanging out and playing Fortnite was nice too. A distraction and some fun with his friends was exactly what Jens needed right now. It was nice to take a break and not have to think about his problems for a couple of hours. Jens could always count on the boys to turn some of his worries into laughter.

Even though Jens was trying his best to distract himself, his family’s problems were still in the back of his mind. Amidst the laughter, his mom's exhausted face from constant worry and overworking herself flashed across his mind.

Jens wished he could help - more than he already did - take some worries off her shoulders, but the balance in his bank account wasn’t even in the double digits. He thought about getting a job, but it would complicate things since his shifts would be on the weekend and after school and he wouldn't be able to help with Lotte as much. His parents needed that help.

Minutes later, Jens died and it was time to switch players. He handed his controller to Moyo. Aaron’s went to Robbe, but the latter’s phone rang before they could start the game.

Robbe frowned and apologized. ‘’It’s my mom. I have to answer.’’ He stood, leaving Jens’ room to talk somewhere quiet and private.

Aaron stood too, putting his controller on the bed. ‘’I’m gonna go pee. The beer is starting to hit me. Don’t cheat while I’m gone,’’ he said, warning Jens and Moyo.

“Says the cheater himself,” Moyo retorted with a snort while standing up to get another drink - a can of coke, this time. It was a school night and Moyo doubted his mom would let it slide if he came home drunk on a Thursday. He opened the drink and sat back on the bed, sighing, still feeling full from the pizza slices he ate earlier. ''That last one was a mistake.''

Beside him, Jens let out a short laugh.

Fidgeting with his hands, he glanced out of his bedroom door, checking if they boys were out of sight. He had meant to ask Moyo something and, with Robbe on the phone and Aaron in the bathroom, it was the perfect time. It was nothing embarrassing, Jens just didn't want Robbe to overhear his question and think too much or Aaron to be all up in his business.

''Can I have your weed guy's number?''

Moyo raised his eyebrows, surprised by Jens' question. ''What for?'' He took a sip of his coke. ''I can bring you a couple grams tomorrow if you want. I don't mind.''

Jens shook his head. ''Erm, no. I want to buy some for myself. It's not fair for you to pay for everyone's weed.''

Moyo shot him a skeptical look but shared his dealer's number.

.

Friday, January 17th

Jens was getting ready for tonight’s party, trying to fix his hair - that one piece was so annoying - before meeting the boys at Robbe’s. His backpack was ready for the night, filled with beers and a bottle of cheap vodka. It tasted awful, but it did a good job at getting you drunk.

Slipping on his red hoodie, Jens grabbed his phone to check the time when a notification caught his attention.

vanderheijden.lucas is now following you

He opened the notification and smiled. Lucas. As in the new boy Lucas? The Dutch boy with the beautiful eyes and the cocky grin?

A peek at his feed told Jens that Lucas was a selfie person. His bright blue eyes stood out on some of these shots. Like, wow. There were pictures of his friends, too. One of the two had longer hair and mild-toned skin, and the other had a shorter haircut.

As Jens scrolled down Lucas’s pictures, he noticed a red ‘1’ on the paper plane icon in the right corner of his phone, signalling a new DM. Raising his eyebrows, Jens clicked on it.

vanderheijden.lucas Hi

jensrolt Hi 😊

vanderheijden.lucas I found your Instagram. Hope you don’t mind!

jensrolt I would’ve made it private if I did...and I’m always looking for more fans

jensrolt Are you coming tonight?

vanderheijden.lucas I’m assuming it’s a party you’re asking about, but I’m in Utrecht…

Jens raised his eyebrows.

A part of him was hoping to see Lucas tonight, but now he was a bit disappointed. The brunet’s flirty wink from last Friday was floating in the back of Jens' mind, just like the feeling in his stomach when their knees brushed under the table at the café. Jens didn’t know what it all meant, but he was curious to see what Lucas would do next.

jensrolt What’s in Utrecht?

Lucas was from the Netherlands, Jens knew that, but why was he going back? Was he visiting the boy he saw in the pics, the one with dark hair and mid-toned skin? They seemed pretty close - a bit too close forJens’ taste. He almost clicked on the guy’s face to see if he was tagged, but realized how stalker-ish that was.

That didn’t stop him from staring at Lucas’ beautiful blue eyes. They seemed brighter in every new pic. His scrolling was interrupted when a notification popped up at the top of his screen: a new message from vanderheijden.lucas.

vanderheijden.lucas I’m visiting my mom. It’s her weekend. The joy of having divorced parents…

Lucas’ sarcasm made Jens laugh, his lips curling into a smile.

vanderheijden.lucas I’ll be there next friday though. If there’s a party

jensrolt There’s ALWAYS a party

vanderheijden.lucas Save me a drink? 😉

Eyebrows pulled, Jens brought his phone closer to his face. A winky emoji?

Before he could analyse the message further, Jens’ phone flashed with Robbe’s name.

Shit. The pre-game. He’d totally forgotten about that.

‘’I’m on my way,’’ he told his best friend, hanging up and bolting out of his bedroom.

[gamesception]

to do list - 2017/01/25

* breakfast/lunch/dinner * work/leave work * laundry/clean room * EDIT: don’t pay bills, it’s too soon

Why do I keep thinking this month is more over than it is?  Wishful thinking?

*allowed to get breakfast, don’t spend otherwise

I fell off the wagon.  Hard.  Don’t really want to get into it right now.  Maybe later.

Gonna take it easy today getting back on.

............................

work tasks:

* take messages/return messages * confirm friday * some filing

...............................

Alright, so, Friday my life.  A post-mortem review.

This is going to sound so stupid.  Please feel free to skip the percipitous freefall of whiny self hatred/self pity that follows.  I’m mostly just writing it out to crystallize the mental concept of it in my head, in the hopes of being better at recognizing the warning signs of this behavior in the future.

.

.

.

Anyway, there I was, friday, after more or less a whole week of not sucking, and I arrive at work pretty much on time, and...  Ok.  So, I used to work the front desk?  And now I mostly work back room (in our case basement) filing and such.  So I have a lot of time to myself.  And I’m on salary, so apart from needing to be in the office during our official hours to take calls, it doesn’t really matter exactly when or how long I’m there, so long as all my work gets done, which mostly consists of:

taking messages returning the messages / passing them along as needed calling to confirm appointments a few days in advance pulling & prepping patient charts for the next days’ appointments putting away the charts from the previous days appointments filing paperwork into patient charts as necessary.

It’s not all that much, and I’m basically paid (and officially scheduled) for part time work.  However, again apart from having to be there to answer phones, the lack of direct oversight (I’m in the basement while everyone else is upstairs) and the fact that it doesn’t technically matter how long it takes me to do shit so long as the shit gets done (again, I’m on salary, so it’s not like I’m stealing hours or anything), creates this environment that very much enables my worse tendencies in terms of time management.  I can get in this funk, where I waste a lot of time at work, usually on the internet (tumblr, game forums, whatever), sometimes other ways (reading a book, playing pokemon, just spacing the fuck out), and I end up dragging on and on until finally I snap out of it and call my people and throw the next days charts together, and finally leave the office after spending 8 to 12 hours when I was only supposed to be there for 4 to 6.

And then my entire day is gone.  And I’m tired and starving so I end up stopping and eating like 2 to 3 meals worth of fast food garbage on the way home, and then feel sick to my stomach in the morning so I don’t eat breakfast and end up eating even more when I leave late the next day.

Worse, it actually does affect my work, because while answering messages and confirming appointments and pulling charts absolutely has to happen on time, the same can’t really be said about the filing.  Like, nobody notices if the filing lags behind unless they’re looking for a specific thing in someone’s chart.

So.... yeah.  On the one hand, this is the best (only?) job for me, because I don’t get fired for meing out every once in a while.  On the other hand, it’s the worst job for me, because when I start to me out, there’s no immediate repercussions to stop me from falling entirely off the deep end.

Hence why ‘actually go the fuck home from work’ has consistently featured on my to-do list, even though one wouldn’t generally think someone would have to put that there.  At least, not someone as lazy as myself.  It has, if anything, been the most critical item on the to do list.

That’s also how there got to be a filing backlog that I’ve mentioned once or twice.

...................

So, that’s my lousy, all consuming work spiral, and the typical form my terribleness takes now that I’m no longer in classes for it to manifest in more flagrant ways.  It is also the main reasons why I end up flaking out on so much else that I attempt to do, particularly on the blogging front, but also when it comes to studying, doing any sort of side projects, going out with friends, keeping up with family, job hunting, or just... just any of the many, many things that I should have had all the time in the world to do ever since I finished classes and only have a part time job’s worth of actual weekly obligations to fill.

And that’s the spiral I was making some good progress digging myself out of last week, albeit with less than the desired amount of progress made on the filing backlog.  Until Friday.  And apparently I had just over-taxed my self-management wires, because I fell right back in.

.......................

EDIT: you know what, I don’t need to dig into exactly how things went on Friday, or what stupid thing knocked me back in the hole, but in the hole I went.

...............................................

And then, feeling bad about myself on Saturday, I didn’t make a list or pay attention to anything I did and ended up eating way too many brownies and buffalo wings at the weekly D&D gathering, and I don’t know if it was the wings or the brownies, but one of the two turned my guts fucking inside out all through sunday and monday.  

And then I caught a head cold that’s been going around, so had stuffiness & a sore throat on top of guts that were convinced I has swallowed a bunch of barbed wire instead of piles of delicious brownies and spicy chicken bits slathered in blue cheese dip.

The roommate, who I was so unfairly complaining about just last week, thinks I have been suffering from heart burn, and gave me some omeprazole.  And to thank him for that, my sick ass ended up skipping his birthday party yesterday to stay home and play Skyrim, even though I wasn’t that sick yesterday, and probably could have gone if I had just pushed myself to go.

Which makes me a fucking ass hole on top of being a lazy git.

So, anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to, a lot of feeling sick and miserable, most of it over entirely self-inflicted hassles that hardly even qualify as serious damage, since the only thing that suffered as a result was my own self image.  It left me utterly worthless for like a week, and I’m still sick, but fortunately the Doc’s been out of town this week, so work’s been more or less frozen, and my worthlessness hasn’t resulted in any real world harm to myself or anyone else.

..................

I’m trying to start getting back on track today, even though I still feel like shit.  Although, because I still feel like shit, I didn’t even try to do a lot, other than just make a list in the first place.  I’ll have to go into work on what is otherwise my day off tomorrow to finish getting things ready for Friday, and maybe, maybe, make some progress on that filing.

In the long scheme of things, it wasn’t that terrible a meltdown, but if I’m going to make any long term progress on not being a colossal sack of garbage, I’m going to have to do a lot better than ‘one week on, one week off’.

[popofventi]

Mental Yoga Sunday / 5 Favorite Long Form Reads This Week / Issue No. 20

"See, I was nine years old when I saw Elvis on 'Ed Sullivan', and I had to get a guitar the next day. I stood in front of my mirror with that guitar on...and I knew then that's what has been missing."  -- Bruce Sprinsteen

I like the world but I hate the noise of it all, and sometimes clarity comes in the form of a quiet day and words on a page. This Sunday's edition we're doing a little Mental Yoga stretching our thoughts around things like Bruce on Broadway, Germany's definition of success and happiness, the originator of the hot chicken craze, Puerto Rico's dire straits and its fight for statehood and the great Kate McKinnon really not wanting to discuss her personal life. Embrace the muzzling of all the chatter.

1

 Bruce Springsteen on Broadway: The Boss on His ‘First Real Job’ (The New York Times)

"It started at the White House. On Jan. 12, in the last weeks of the Obama administration, Mr. Springsteen played an acoustic concert in the East Room as the Obama family’s parting gift for about 250 staffers. For Mr. Springsteen, who takes every performance seriously, it was a moment of reckoning. He carefully assembled a set list spanning his career; he illuminated the songs with spoken stories and memories echoing “Born to Run,” the autobiography he published in 2016.

“There was a lot of storytelling, which goes back to our early days at the Bottom Line when you were in front of a couple of hundred people,” Mr. Springsteen said in an interview at his home studio in Colts Neck, N.J., recalling the Greenwich Village club where his shows in summer 1975became a sensation. “It worked in a very, very intimate setting.”

Heading home from Washington, Mr. Springsteen and his wife, Patti Scialfa, and his manager, Jon Landau, thought more people should experience a performance like that. “The way he combines the spoken words with the songs he’s chosen to do sounds like a very simple thing,” Mr. Landau said. “But it’s a real piece of performance art.”" - Read Full Story

2

The secret to Germany’s happiness and success: Its values are the opposite of Silicon Valley’s (Quartz)

"If Silicon Valley ever formed a political party, it might look a lot like the current iteration of Germany’s Free Democrats, or FDP. In the 2017 election cycle, the FDP offered a platform that reads like what Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg would come up with if they decided to disrupt Rand Paul. Its primary aspirations include creating a startup-friendly economy, digitizing Germany’s monolithic reams of bureaucratic paperwork (no small feat), and, yes, radically reduce income taxes, which currently top off at 45% for the highest earners.

The platform has propelled the party back from the dead. Having been kicked out of the Germany’s parliament, or Bundestag, in 2013, the FDP came roaring back with 10% of the vote in Sunday’s election.

To some, this might suggest that a cultural shift is afoot in Germany. After all, the FDP’s leader, a magnetic 38-year-old named Christian Lindner, has openly expressed a desire to shake things up. In an August interview with the Economist, in which he called Germany’s economy “a prosperity hallucination,” Lindner also explained that in his country, “entrepreneurship has long been undervalued … and societies that are prepared to be more daring and have efficient capital markets have overtaken us on this.” Germans could be “world leaders” in the new economy, he said, “but we have to want it.

But that’s the thing: The vast majority of Germans don’t want it. For progressive and even centrist Germans, the startup-style definition of Erfolg (or “success”) is utterly incompatible with their values—which do not center on individual wealth, recognition, or even careers. Though the FDP’s showing was meteoric compared with recent years, Germany’s cultural mores—which include a vehement defense of the country’s robust social safety net, largely credited for the relatively quick recovery from last decade’s recession—mean it is largely inoculated from the bootstrap fever that has long gripped the US." - Read Full Story

3 

After Irma, Puerto Rico's Case For Statehood Gains Newfound Urgency (Pacific Standard)

"The deepening humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico reveals a disaster response that is categorically different from the actions taken in the wake of hurricanes that struck the continental U.S. recently. While Fuentes praised the efforts of the president, the U.S. Federal Emergency Management Agency, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio, he outlined several needs that may not be in the offing.

"Short term—like, tomorrow—Puerto Rico needs a waiver on the Jones Act, so we can start bringing stuff in without the imposition of the Jones Act," Fuentes said on Tuesday, before the Department of Homeland Security delivered a no verdict. "Hospitals are running with generators. Frozen-food warehouses are running on generators. They need to get diesel if we want to keep that food."

Next, Congress will take up the issue of a hurricane relief package for Puerto Rico. Or maybe not: Politico reports that a formal funding request is still weeks away, as the devastation in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands is so widespread that an assessment cannot be made. Still, Congress passed a major hurricane relief package just six days after Hurricane Harvey struck Texas. And the government relaxed the Jones Act to deal with the Exxon Valdez oil spill—an ecological tragedy, but far from a humanitarian catastrophe.

Puerto Rico will have no real say in whatever decision Congress makes. The stakes could not be higher: One estimate pegs hurricane damages at more than $72 billion. Maria came just a month after Puerto Rico declared a soft bankruptcy in May—following a debt crisis that Fuentes and other critics say was spurred in large part by Puerto Rico's inequitable standing vis-à-vis the rest of the country. It's possible that the damages wrought by Maria could even exceed the debt that ruined the island financially." - Read Full Story

4

The Kate McKinnon Report (Vanity Fair)

"Kate arrives on time to the minute. I’m early, so I have a chance to observe her as she enters. She’s dressed down. Movie stars are typically dressed down for these occasions. (Another reason they’re deceptive: people come costumed as though it’s playtime, not work.) But Kate isn’t dressed movie-star down, i.e., the kind of down that’s flattering to the figure and still involves the application of a not inconsiderable amount of makeup, i.e., a stylist-approved, camera-ready kind of down. Kate’s dressed real-person down, i.e., badly: oversize T-shirt and pants that aren’t quite sweat but close enough; sneakered feet; face cosmetics-free; hair in a ponytail, or, rather, what would be a ponytail if she hadn’t failed to tug the hair all the way through the elastic, leaving it in a sort of ponytail-bun limbo.

As quickly as I’m struck by how un-vain she is, I’m struck by how much she has to be vain about. She’s very pretty: small-bodied and full-lipped with cat eyes—pale blue and almond-shaped and slanting—tawny skin and hair, dimples she can twitch into existence without even smiling. She’s 33 but appears younger, a few years out of college. I’d watched hours of footage of her in preparation for this encounter yet had somehow missed her great good looks. Not that she photographs poorly. It’s just that in most scenes she’s impersonating a woman far, far older than she (Debette Goldry, legend of the silver screen, a fictional creation) or a woman far older (the all-too-real Betsy DeVos) or a man (Robert Durst) or a boy-man (Justin Bieber). And her face is rarely in repose. She’s often stretching it in some crazy, rubbery way, thrusting out her jaw, baring her teeth." - Read Full Story

5

Burned Out (Eater.com)

"The first time I went to Prince’s Hot Chicken Shack, I was 12 years old, and I didn’t even eat the chicken. My dad, though, ordered his “hot” — one of six heat levels spicy enough to force beads of sweat from one’s brow onto the table, one soft drop at a time. While he ate, he remarked that the heat radiating from the plate didn’t just linger in the air or settle on your lips, it sat with you for days afterward. As the old ceiling fans helicoptered above, I sat silently in the pew-like booth, flirting with some fries that had absorbed a whisper of heat from sharing the same cast-iron skillet as the chicken, but never mustering the courage to take a bite.

My dad, undeterred, took me and my sister back again and again over the years. Eventually, we learned to sweat together, and I saw that the world was much bigger than home: Prince’s was a visit to “the other side of the tracks,” 30 minutes from the mostly white suburb where I grew up. My hometown, just north of Nashville, was the kind of place where the most thrilling food was a cheese-smothered appetizer at O’Charley’s and where, when I’d try to explain hot chicken to friends at school, they would ask with a bewildered look if I meant buffalo chicken. Looking back, I realize now that Prince’s was one of the few places we’d go and see people who looked like us." - Read Full Story