#(THIS IS ALL A WEE JOKE ABOUT MYSELF I AM NOT SAYING THAT AUTISTIC MANNERISMS AND HABITS ARE BAD OR EMBARRASSING)

[micahdotgov]

i have unfortunately recently picked up this noise that katya does as a vocal stim specifically when i am having an autism moment (positive) which is difficult and awkward to explain to anyone who overhears me doing it

[the-fire-bubble]

I invoke thee, Yemaya, Mother of all her numerous children like the fishes, for a rant about my shitty earth mother and family.

Hello Mom. You're the only person I feel comfortable calling my "Mom". My grandmother may have raised me, but she had little influence on who I am at my core values. My birth mother..... is essentially a stranger now.

For ny 23rd birthday, as you may already know, she bought me concert tickets. 2 each for 2 concerts costing over 400$. Now, why, out of the blue, she decides this year, to spend a load of money on me for concerts I didn't want to see in the first place? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. I mean, I know her reasoning..... but the logic is lacking. She knows I'm autistic like her other child, who wears ear defenders to a baseball game. So, what in her mind thought " Oh. I'll just randomly gift her concert tickets so she can go sing her head off for her birthday even though I have no idea who she has ever liked in music? " I distinctly remember telling her about Panic! At The Disco on 2 occasions and she on the first one said "the singer sounds like he needs to hit puberty" "(please don't bring that CD back next time you come over)". The second occasion, I quoted her and told her I didn't bring it. And she said "Stop being a tape recorder (in front of my friend)". Ya know. Because the echolaila I've had since forever is just something I can turn off. I didn't go to either of the concerts. Most would say i should be grateful she got me anything at all. But the thing is....

It's essentially the gift of a stranger.

We haven't spoken directly in 3 whole fucking years. And she had the nerve, to send me a white elephant gift, and expect me to just forgive her. Like nothing has happened and no time at all has passed.... FUCK THAT.

I'm sorry, but she took Grandpa Tom's jacket and that was my designated comfort item. She has another autistic kid. She's a wonderful mother to him. She should FUCKING KNOW. WHY I'M MAD. And yet she claims to have no recollection of the events taking place that day. And insists if I were to take it back, I don't wear it every day.

BITCH IT WAS MY PERSONAL PROPERTY. AND YOU SAID "I WAS NOT WORTHY TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY" In reference to me SIMPLY STANDING UP FOR MYSELF TO YOUR SHITTY BOYFRIEND.

Please. Just .... I am so furious at her, Mom. I'm like so on the verge of tears, and I know my sadness makes you sad but like...... it hurts. All I wanted for my birthday is a quiet and good time. She keeps thinking I'm someone I'm not. And even when I told her who I was.... she lacked the ability to truly listen to me.

I got tired of being ignored or misheard and misquoted to fit her crazy mind's concept of reality. I got tired of having to mother her because she is really shite at asking for help from her mother or any real professionals in a timely manner. I got tired of crying myself to sleep. Because she kept making jokes at my expense and they weren't funny. I try to explain my special interests to her and she shuts me down and tunes me out. While she is just.... all ears for Isaac my little brother.

I hurt, mom. And it's my birth mother who inflicted the damage. Just please, take away my worries again so I can go back to sleep soon. Or get something done. Idk. I hear you comforting me now. And I appreciate you always listening to me.

I did want to tell you, I had a great birthday in spite of my birth mother. I went out for a quiet dinner with my beloved. Got stuffed and a wee bit tipsy. But not that much. And I had a blast just being there with my Honey Bat. Also, I bought more spooky decor lately. C: It makes me very happy. And I know my happiness makes you happy too. I have other concerns but right now, I think I've rambled on long enough and I'm too hungey to focus anymore. Please know I love your protection and guidance and comfort and presence always even if I don't always say it outloud or invoke you as much as I should. Idk. I just kinda got used to the whole absent parent dynamic .... I'm still learning this 'how to be a daughter proper' thing. But I love you lots and I hope I make you smile as much as you make me smile. Thanks for listening Mom. *hugsies * You're the best.

Meferefun Yemaya. Always.