#(KIDDING. mostly. I Will Not flunk another year i am Determined)

[player1064]

Footy RPF Fictober, day 1 - First game against each other

also available on ao3

MORE excuses to not carry on with my WIPs? shocking....

Hoping I can keep this up the whole month - I'll do a mix of different ships for the prompts (though if you really want to see a specific prompt with a specific pairing lmk!!!)

---

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Gary’s head feels fuzzy. His heart is racing, every time he takes a breath he can’t seem to get in enough air so he’s breathing deeper, faster, until his gasping breaths don’t feel like they’re doing anything at all.

And then, Paul. He rests his hand on Gary’s back, warm and solid between his shoulder blades, and it makes the world stop spinning. He’s stood next to the bench, hovering above Gary awkwardly like he’s not quite sure what he’s meant to do with him

(Fair enough, Gary’s not quite sure what he’s meant to do with himself either.)

“Teams are up,” Paul tells him simply. “He’s only on the bench, Gaz, chill out.”

“Wasn’t even thinking about him,” Gary lies.

He hears a scoff. Yeah, right.

He’s been lucky, he is aware of that. Seven years and this is the first time the draw’s gone against him, the first time he’s had to face down the prospect of David Beckham walking onto the pitch in a different colour kit than his.

The Boss had kept him on the bench for the first leg, no need to question why. Gary’s finally getting back to good form again, feeling like his old self – he’s been playing every three days for the past few weeks but he was never going to be picked to play away in the Champions’ League, and not against him.

When he no longer feels like he’s fighting for air he shrugs Paul’s hand off his back and looks up at him with a grimace. Paul grimaces back.

“Is Gaz dying?” he hears Wazza call out from the other side of the dressing room.

“I’m fine,” he dismisses, at the same time that Paul is saying “yeah, probably.”

“Still got another eight weeks ‘til I retire, Scholesy.”

“You’ll be dead before then.”

“Oi! Thought you were meant to be making me feel better?”

“Thought you said you were fine.”

The Boss walks in without fanfare – nobody stands to attention, they all just keep talking among themselves, joking around and drinking their lucozades and stretching out tired muscles. Gary watches, though, as he wordlessly starts copying names out onto the whiteboard. 4-5-1, get the ball to Wazza and eventually he’ll score. Standard procedure.

Milan’s line-up isn’t too different to what it was for the first leg, except that Becks is out and Flamini is in. More defensive, but then they’re going into this leg a goal down, of course they’re going to play it safe.

Gary doesn’t keep the captain’s armband in his locker anymore, these days it’s passed too frequently between him, Rio, and Giggsy for it to really belong to him. So, he stands up and wanders over to the corner the Boss is in under the guise of looking for it, hopes he doesn’t look too pale or run-down after his little – whatever that was, a minute ago.

The Boss looks up as he walks over, gives him a tight smile that tells him he’s not fooling anyone.

“We’re the better team,” he tells Gary, voice low. “We’ll win, no question about it. We’ve already got them on away goals.”

“Boss –” Gary starts, then realises he has no idea what he’s meant to say. If they bring him on I think I might die? Twenty years and they’ve never been on opposite sides, not even really in training. They were a unit, Gaz and Becks down that right hand side – why bother splitting them up? “Boss, I –”

“You won’t play against him.”

Sir Alex reaches out to place his hand on Gary’s elbow, feather-light but it feels heavy as always. “Gary, listen to me. I will not make you play against him. He comes on, you come off. Got it?”

Gary looks up to meet his eyes and nods, feeling small. “Thanks, Boss.”

*

Becks comes on in the sixty-fourth minute. Gary comes off in the sixty-sixth. He sits on the bench and watches his old teammate fumble passes that a ten-year-old could’ve made, tries to hide the vindictive sort of joy he’s feeling that we’re better than you, bigger than you. And we always will be.

It only takes a few minutes for Paul to come and join him on the bench. He looks annoyed about it, same as he always does. Gary had been brought off, to put it simply, because the Boss doesn’t trust him around Becks; he has no such problem with Paul, but he’s getting older too and if he wants to keep him going (one more year, one more year, one more year), then he needs to make him rest.

“He’s playing like shit,” Paul says, hand held up to cover his mouth – a holdover from 2003, from that one stupid game against Madrid when everything had started to fall apart at the seams.

Gary smirks. He reaches a hand up to scratch the scraggly hairs on his chin, tries to make it look subtle. “He’s playing like an American.”

Paul snorts, sways to the side to bump his shoulder against Gary’s. “Didn’t think you had it in you, Gaz.”

“Bet you fifty quid he’ll say it’s on purpose. That he didn’t want to disrespect the United fans, like.”

“Gary Neville, you little bastard,” Paul says, voice proud. “What’s got into you, eh?”

He shrugs. It’s easier, now that United are three goals up. It’s easier now that he’s losing. Reminds him that the club has had better players than David Beckham, that he needed them more than they needed him. Reminds him that maybe that’s where it’ll start and that’s where it can end: football, Manchester United. That none of the rest of it has to matter.

“Dunno if I should speak to him, after the match. Might be rubbing it in his face,” he says, which really means please help me shake him off before I make a fool of myself.

Paul looks at him for a long moment, then he nods and kicks Gary in the ankle, just a light little tap. I’ve got your back.

[noctomania]

What Is Valuable?

I mean that question in 2 different ways:

-how do i define that word

-how do i become it.

I’m thinking in terms of art and art skills. Questions that have stuck with me most of my life is whether or not it is more/less valuable to have a style that runs through much of your work (for example you can pretty easily pick out a Van Gogh or an Ed Gorey because of their distinct style), and whether I have a style. I feel like I don’t.

I think it’s the nature of it though because I work in so many different mediums I have no real default. You wouldn’t necessarily be able to look at a sculpture I made and a painting I did and be able to even determine they were by the same person - save for maybe one or two pieces that were informed by one another.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to not have a distinctive more consistent style, but it sure doesn’t contribute to any kind of direction. I also have such an issue with viewing myself as a creative because I’ve had a lot of help (not that i asked for it). It’s a bit of a story.

When I was in high school, i wound up in pre-cal. i think it was even ap, or pre-ap...idk why or how this happened bc math was by far my worst subject and this class wasn’t required. They just tried to throw as many pre-ap/ap classes at me as possible which is...not healthy. Anyway. I flunked. Before time ran out I was able to see my guidance counselor. If I recall correctly, she was kinda dumbfounded by the fact I had been placed in that class to begin with, so she helped me find other classes. I can’t recall the time correctly, i believe that was the last semester of my jr yr (11th grade). The counselor suggested I switch to an AP art class. I think I probably panicked at first with the mention of AP, but I went with it anyway - probably because nothing else available sounded good to me.

So it was like a few weeks before the end of the year and I needed to have a full portfolio designed and sent out for rating for the AP test. I leaned in pretty well i felt, having never done something like this before and having next to no idea what the hell I was doing. I hardly had any experience with photography, was brand spanking new to photoshop (this was back in like 2006 btw and our classroom had 1 old computer). I had a digital camera so I took tours around the deserted downtown of my home town and shot a bunch. I shot more whenever I’d notice something that caught my eye but much of my portfolio came from the downtown shoot.

Well, time was crunchin away and  i guess my teacher was afraid that i wouldn’t have a full portfolio done in enough time - because we also needed to format everything digitally and get actual slides made of all the images. Like these dealies:

Why they couldn’t just view these digitally...idk. Seemed like a waste of time. But go figure.

So he took it upon himself to just do work for me. At the time i was just like “whatev, thanks i guess” but looking back it just was so wrong. There were like maybe 5 other students in this class who had been working at all this for the whole semester. Then I swoop in last minute and get a heaping handful of help. And I ended up being the only one to make a 5/5 score.

Not fair. At all.

And I know it and it has made me feel like I’m incapable too. Because was it me who got the 5 or him? Why did he do it? Did he think I was worth it? Did he do it because he knew my sister? Was it because if I didn’t turn in a portfolio it would make him look bad? Was it because I was so bad I needed that help? And how did everyone else see it? Did they hate me for what he did?

While that score wasn’t the only accolades I’ve gotten for my work, they were the most impactful because they got me into the art program for my undergrad. So the whole damn thing feels like fraud. Did I learn anything? Does it matter since I have so much more to learn anyway due to change and time? Am I an individual or am I entirely dependent?

This is why I’m trying to learn to better value myself. Part of me hopes that by virtue of that I will hone in on a style or signature of my own. But mostly I just want to feel more comfortable being creative again. To trust that I just need to invest the time. That I have enough knowledge to at least get started in some direction. I do know what I like to see in art but I don’t know if it’s developed any style or if I just do whatever the wind tells me to.

I just feel like it would be a nice feeling to know that I have a style someone could look at a few works of mine and be like I can tell who made these. But at the same time I don’t know that that is who I am, yanno? I think I might be too eclectic to be that orderly and consistent. It’s like trying to make a load of trash look homologous. While you can organize trash, it won’t always look the same.

Anyway, just a brain dump. I get this way every time I try to invest time into learning more. I’m not always sure what I’m looking to know and invest time into and it makes me panic because I’m ready to go and get started but I feel like I’m having to start over every time, and I’m not convinced this is what I want to do but I know it would possibly be better than what I’m left to do otherwise. blahblahblah i’m just in eternal confusion. It’s quite difficult to access opportunities after the fact, the fact being college. They just expect you to start all over if you want to do something else.

idk, im tired and this cappuccino mix didn’t make me a good mood like coffee stuff usually does. probably should just make coffee. or idk maybe should eat since i had a huge mug of what contains caffeine on an empty stomach. probably. should eat.

Don’t drink caffeine on an empty stomach kids, it is not worth it.

[pokemaniacal]

Pokémon Moon, Episode 16: In Which I Am Judged By The Forces Of Nature, As Personified By A Giant Angry Lizard

Hapu and Mudsdale are waiting for us at the entrance to the Vast Poni Canyon, beneath a tall dead tree. “Did everything go well?” she asks Lillie. “Yes, it did!  Though Chris had to help me out of all sorts of trouble, like usual.” “Nothing wrong with that.  People cannot survive all on their own.  They have got to help one another out.”  Hapu suddenly notices B, and pauses.  “You are one of those Pokémon thieves, Team Skull,” she says in a calm, level voice. “We ain’t no thieves just ‘cause we got a few tricks up our sleeves!” B objects. “It’s fine, Hapu; he’s with me,” I tell her.  That gets me a cocked head and a hint of a smirk.  “That is, with us,” I clarify irritably.  Hapu squints at B suspiciously. “Are you not the same member of Team Skull who tried to steal that Drifloon on Akala Island?  And tagged the fourth storey of that pagoda in the Malie Gardens?” “…uh…” “No, no, no, of course not,” I assure her, “he just- wait, pagoda?”  I look at B.  “You didn’t tell me about that.” “Yo, you ain’t never told me to tell you nothin’ about stuff I did in Team Skull!” “No, I just mean- the fourth storey, that’s actually kind of impressive; how did you even do that?”  Hapu coughs loudly.  “Ah… what I mean is… no, that was someone else.  Someone else also in Team Skull.”  She stares silently for a few seconds.  “They, um… look similar because they all wear the same clothes.” “Hmph.  You big city types have some strange ideas about dealing with criminals, I can tell you that.” “It’s… a different world, what can I say?  Listen, Hapu, it’s good to see you, but we should get going-” “Not so fast,” Hapu interrupts.  “I would like to see this battling skill of yours, Chris, that makes Lillie smile so.”  She unclips a Pokéball from her belt and brandishes it in challenge.  “Just so!  It is my grand trial!” “Hapu, do we really have time for this?” I protest.  “We have to reach the Altar of the Moone and conduct the ritual before… well… before what, I don’t know, but as soon as possible, anyway.”  Hapu looks disappointed, but at this point B butts in. “Yo, ain’t this your last grand trial, homie?” “Well… well, yes, but-” “Then you gotta fight, and do it with all your might!  Don’choo know how many Alolans ain’t never had this chance?  How many never even got to advance?”  The indignant flash in his eyes makes me remember – Team Skull is mostly made up of trainers who failed the Island Challenge.  I nod, and turn back to Hapu. “Let’s do this.”  Hapu grins. “Then this is the first grand trial of Kahuna Hapu!  I will battle you with everything that I have got!”

Hapu, true to her word, doesn’t hold back, coming at me with the full power of a newly-anointed Kahuna.  As Mudsdale attests, her specialty is Ground-types, so I open with my Toucannon against her Dugtrio.  It’s the long-haired Alolan Steel-type variant, of course, so Toucannon’s Brick Break makes short work of it, and Hapu’s next Pokémon, a Gastrodon, instantly withers under a Bullet Seed assault.  My Toucannon even manages to give Hapu’s next Pokémon, a Flygon, a run for its money with her Beak Blast.  The Flygon has the good sense not to attack her at close range, though, and finishes her from a distance with Dragonbreath.  My Psychu is able to outrun the Flygon and finish it off with Psychic, as well as denting Hapu’s final Pokémon, Mudsdale, but predictably gets demolished when Hapu unleashes the powers given to her by Tapu Fini in the form of a new attack, Tectonic Rage, which damn near collapses the entrance to the canyon.  It’s at this point that I remember Mudsdale’s ability, Stamina – every time it takes an attack, its physical defences grow stronger, and my Decidueye, who would otherwise be the obvious choice, relies entirely on physical attacks.  I decide to try Salazzle instead, and manage to poison it with Sludge Bomb.  That forces Hapu to spend time healing it and lets me weaken Mudsdale further, but ultimately Salazzle still drops to an Earthquake.  Mudsdale, though, is now weak enough for my Golisopod to finish it off with the Bug-type Z-move, Savage Spin-Out.  Hapu tends to her Musdale’s injuries and chuckles. “Oho… you sure showed me.  That was enjoyable.  Looks like I cannot beat you even when I am not holding back.  Take your Ground-type Z-Crystal, then – this Groundium-Z is yours!” I take the crystal and bow my head in thanks.  “Well, I must applaud you, Lillie.  You sure found a prodigious trainer to befriend.  And you…” she turns to B.  “I suppose it is possible I have misjudged you and your… comrades.  Be sure to follow this one’s example.”  B nods.  “Then go on with you three!  It will be a tough road – but if you end up in any real trouble, Mudsdale and I will hasten to you.”  With that, she hops onto Mudsdale’s back and the two of them plod off homeward.

The Vast Poni Canyon is a truly scenic area, criss-crossed by paths along the canyon walls, bridges across its width, and tunnels through the sides.  The walls of the canyon are rippled with different coloured sediments, the fingerprint of millions of years of stratification.  There’s a straight path along the canyon floor, but it’s blocked by fallen boulders, and even a Machamp can only clear the way from the far side.  Clearly this is one part of Alola that the tourism board hasn’t managed to touch yet.  That’s not to say there’s no one here – at least a dozen powerful Pokémon trainers have staked out spots within the canyon for their own personal advanced training regimes, giving the whole place an almost Victory Road-like feel.  They knew what they were getting themselves into, and relish the rugged, difficult environment.  Lillie… does not. “Phew… this canyon truly is a difficult path to walk,” she says as we drag ourselves up a steep cliffside path.  “And you make even the Vast Poni Canyon seem like nothing at all, B!” “Yo, it ain’t no thing.  In Team Skull we’re all so boneheaded there ain’t anything what’ll slow us down!” “Well, it does help to have Pokémon to help you defend yourself,” I point out, then turn to Lillie.  “I still don’t understand why we didn’t get you a starter Pokémon from Professor Kukui before we came to Poni Island.  It’d be about as much use here as a damp sponge at the Battle of the Somme, but you have to start somewhere.” “Oh… I don’t know if I’m ready for that responsibility yet…” “Responsibility?” B laughs bitterly.  “There ain’t no kid in Alola what was ready for that responsibility when they got their start.  Didn’t stop no-one before.” “You think it should have?” I ask.  B pauses awkwardly and sighs. “I don’t think nothin’, I’m just a numskull, ‘member?  But if kids knew a thing or three before we got our first Pokémon, maybe there wouldn’t be so many of us what couldn’t find no home except in Team Skull.  You give kids Pokémon and tell ‘em to get strong, ‘fore you ever tell ‘em what’s right and wrong, you really think it’s gonna take long, for them to find somewhere dangerous to belong?”  I stop walking – we’ve come to a bridge across the canyon. “How exactly do you fail the island challenge?” I ask.  B doesn’t answer.  Lillie, apparently sensing the awkwardness, jumps in front of us. “Well!  Well… you know what?  I’ve overcome my fears enough to… uh… cross even a high bridge like this one!”  She waves in the general direction of the bridge.  “I’m not going to be afraid of heights anymore.  Next time I should be able to tackle even that bridge on Mahalo Trail!”  This bridge is of a similar construction to that one, wooden and fairly solid, but some underpaid part-time architect saw fit not to equip it with handrails.  One good strong gust of wind, and a person of Lillie’s waifish constitution could easily be blown halfway down the canyon.  Lillie’s face is sending desperate signals for help, and seems to be trying to tell us that her mouth and legs have been taken over by an insane terrorist cell, but she keeps talking.  “Watch this!  This is my trial!”  Lillie spins around and marches purposefully towards the bridge.  B gives me a quizzical glance. “…what she talkin’ about?” “There was a… traumatic experience involving a bridge and some evil birds; the story’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds.  This is probably going to be, like, a really big character development thing for her.  Just play along.”  At first, Lillie inches onto the bridge, but then she gets a sudden burst of determination and dashes out to the middle. “Uh… go Lillie!  This bridge ain’t got nothin’ on you!” B tries. “Yeah… uh… you can totally do it… I guess…” I add half-heartedly.  As Lillie reaches the halfway point, three Murkrow fly out of nowhere, flap around her head briefly, and then land on the bridge, two in front of her and one behind.  Lillie twists her head around, trying to get a fix on where they are and what they want with her, and appears inches from total panic. “…should, uh… should we be doin’ somethin’, homie?” “I think this is one of those… ‘she needs to do this herself’ situations.”  We watch the standoff in silence for a minute.  “Just say the word if you want us to smoke ‘em,” I offer. “I-I-I’m fine!” Lillie calls back, before inching one of her feet forward.  The Murkrow all caw in unison, and one of the ones in front lunges forward, making her jump back. “Try giving them something sparkly,” I suggest.  “Do you have any precious family heirlooms on you?  Aside from the flute?”  Lillie ignores me and puts her hands together in prayer.

“…I cheated,” B says out of nowhere, another minute into Lillie’s crossing. “Hmm?” “I mean… I dunno what my numskull brothers and sisters did to flunk out of their island challenges… but I cheated in a trial.”  He looks down at the floor of the canyon. “…go on.” “It was about a year back, just after that wack Sophocles kid got made the new Captain up on Mount Hokulani.  That was the first trial I tried.  The Cap was busy with one of his ridonk inventions up at the observatory, so he just sent me down to the trial grounds alone.” “Yeeeeah that sounds like him… When I did the Hokulani trial, he’d built some… godawful MacGyver’d space transmitter out of spare parts and duct tape to summon the totem Pokémon so we didn’t have to go down to the trial grounds.” “Hmph.  Figures,” B grunts. “So what happened next?” “What do you think happened, homie?  My Zubat ‘gainst that Totem Vikavolt?  We didn’t last one turn.” “So you tried to cheat your way through it somehow?” “Not at first!  We went off and trained some more… came back and lost again.  Didn’t last one turn.  Same again, three more times.” “That’s determination,” I comment. “What, you think I only turned into a bonehead after I joined Team Skull?”  He grins for a moment.  “Didn’t help one bit though.” “Aren’t Totem Pokémon supposed to hold back against new trainers?  Like in gym battles?” “Gym battles?” B asks, puzzled. “…it’s a Kanto thing; don’t worry about it.  You’ll probably have them in Alola before long if Kukui gets his way.”  He shrugs. “Anyway… you’re right.  Totem Pokémon ain’t supposed to go all out until you got more experience.  But that chump Sophocles didn’t know how to control it, and he didn’t care neither!  So me and Zubat snuck into the trial grounds one night and rigged us up a trap what’d catch Vikavolt in a mudslide and wriggity-wreck its shiz.” “Did it work?” “Course it worked, homie!  You should’a seen the look on that ugly bug’s ugly mug!” He laughs at the memory.  “Sophocles didn’t like that one bit though…” “Well… I mean, that’s bad, don’t get me wrong, but… honestly I knew a guy back in Kanto who pulled some $#!t just as bad in his first gym battle, and no one ever barred him from competing.”  I think about that for a moment.  “Maybe should have, mind you, but for a new trainer in a desperate situation, you’ve got to figure a few second chances…” “Stuff like that’s supposed to go all the way to the Kahuna, but Ula’ula’s Kahuna don’t give no f&%£s; he ain’t given a f&%£ in years.  The number of f&%£s that homie don’t give is friggin’ bananas.  So Sophocles called the old Captain… Moe or whatever his name is.” “Molayne,” I tell him.  “The Steel-type specialist.  I met him too.” “Yeah, well, he weren’t there when this went down; he was… I dunno, at a science convention or something.  Homie never even spoke to me.  Sophocles talked to him on the phone for, like, ten minutes, then took my trial amulet… and that was that.” “…that’s rough.” “Yeah.  It is.”  B looks back out over the canyon.  I follow his gaze. “D’you think… if Professor Kukui’s new Pokémon League gets off the ground, and he can establish an Elite Four with a Champion… d’you think a Champion would have the authority to overrule that ban?”  B frowns. “I dunno… Alola ain’t never had no Champion before.  Guess it’d be a new start for a lot of us…” We both remain silent for a while. “Try throwing your shoe!” I call out to Lillie.

Eventually, after getting my Decidueye to quietly snipe the Murkrow with his spirit arrows, we manage to get Lillie to the other side of the bridge.  I congratulate her as effusively as I can bear to, and try to subtly offer to cross any future bridges together.  As it turns out, there are a couple more bridges on our path through the Vast Poni Canyon, which we cross three abreast with Lillie in the middle to avoid any further evil bird attacks.  The next bridge, though, is not guarded by evil birds – instead, standing in the middle is a teenaged girl, blonde with pink streaks in her hair, wearing a baggy white tee-shirt covered in splotches of paint.  When I first see her, she’s staring out over the canyon scribbling in a sketchbook, but seconds later she notices us, and immediately puts the book away and holds up her hands in front of her face to “frame” me, Lillie and B between her fingers.  I notice, to my surprise, that she’s wearing a wooden ring with an Alolan Captain’s insignia.  A couple of Seafolk mentioned that Poni Island had a Captain, and Ilima told me that there were seven in total, but the previous three Kahunas all waited for me to be approved by their subordinates before the grand trial.  I’d assumed that Poni Island’s captaincy was vacant and Hapu would need to find someone to fill it.  While I’m sizing her up, the Captain apparently finishes her own inspection of us. “Oh!  Now, that’s a great composition,” she says.  “I could paint a picture of you – the visitors to Poni!” “…should we strike a pose?” I offer hesitantly.  “Sort of stare pensively out over the canyon?”  B idly flicks his hands through a few gang signs. “Nah, that’s fine.  Just act natural.”  All of a sudden, her sketchbook is out again, and her pencil is flying back and forth across the page as she records the rough shapes of her composition.  Lillie looks at me quizzically, and I shrug at her. “Um… excuse me?” Lillie asks.  The Captain glances up from her sketch. “Oh, right.  Guess I didn’t introduce myself.  I’m Mina; I’m the Captain.  I mean, I sort of am.  I actually just wander around doing my art, so I don’t have an actual trial or anything…” “No trial?  That’s wack, homie; ain’t you got like a duty or something to put trainers through the island challenge?”  B looks at me.  “See?  Alola ain’t fair and it don’t even care.” “Island challenge?  Oh… no one’s come about that in aaaaaaages.  I actually thought they must’ve taken Poni Island off the route or something.”  She laughs. “Hang on,” I break in.  “You can’t have been Captain since before Hapu’s grandfather died; you’re not old enough.  And she was only just appointed by Tapu Fini to replace him as Kahuna a few days ago.  Who appointed you?  Were you chosen by your predecessor, like Sophocles was?” “Hmm…?  Appointed?  You know, I’m not sure anyone did.  People just started calling me the Captain, and I decided to go with the flow.” “…you know what?  That doesn’t even surprise me at this point.” “Oh, yeah.  Ohhhh, yeah,” Mina says, as if remembering something she was supposed to bring up at the start of the conversation.  “Here.  Take this as a token of our acquaintance.”  She hands me a pink Z-crystal.  “It’s the Fairium-Z!  Get your Z on!” “…no trial, just-?  I just get the crystal?”  B rolls his eyes, but says nothing. “Weeeell, I’m the captain and all, so I’ve got to come up with a trial,” Mina replies.  “Maybe it could involve painting pictures and picking flowers… Maybe a trial like that could be cool?”  She gazes off into the distance. “…are we still talking?”  Mina’s eyes seem to be glazing over as she contemplates her trial plans.  “…hello?”  I look at B and Lillie, shrug, then quietly step around Mina and continue across the bridge. Finally, after passing through a gauntlet of trainers, we reach the end of the canyon… which is marked by a pair of brightly coloured totem poles like the ones at the entrances to a the trial site.  I exchange puzzled glances with Lillie and B.  Just inside is a stone tablet bearing an inscription. “Ahead lies a sacred ground of trials,” I read.  “None who do not take part in its trials will be allowed to walk upon this earth.  Those lacking the courage to defeat the totem guarding this land will be denied entry… blah blah blah.” “Then this really is a trial?” Lillie asks.  “But where’s the Captain?” “I guess this is the trial that Mina chick is supposed to be running?  I don’t know; it seems like she specialises in Fairy-types, and I haven’t seen any wild Fairy Pokémon around here… well, aside from a few Carbink in the caves…” “So do we all gotta clear the trial before we can get through?” B asks.  Lillie gets a worried look at that. “But- but I can’t take a real Island Challenge trial; I still don’t have any Pokémon!” “Hmm?  What?  Oh- oh, no, I doubt that will be a problem.” “But it says right there that no homie who don’t take part in no trials gonna be allowed to walk on this here turf, yo!” “Ah, that’s ridiculous; that doesn’t apply to us.” “…for shizzle?” “Yes, for shizzle; it’s just some ancient prohibition that no-one’s probably observed in years.  This is the only way to the Altar of the Moone, right?  The path can’t just be barred to anyone who’s not on the Island Challenge.  Besides, I doubt the trial is even active.” “Active?” Lillie asks, confused. “Well, look around.  I don’t see a Captain, or a Totem Pokémon.”  Lillie and B both give me a sceptical look.  “Come on, guys; this island hasn’t had a Kahuna in years, and the only Captain doesn’t even seem to know what her job is.  It’s obvious this place isn’t exactly a well-oiled machine.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tapu Fini just forgot about this trial site.”  That doesn’t seem to settle them. “I don’t know…” Lillie says, clearly still worried. “None who do not take part in its trials… will be allowed to walk upon this earth…” I repeat from the tablet slowly.  “Ah!  Just don’t touch the ground!” “…what’choo smokin’, homie?” “Your Haunter can levitate you, so you can pass through the last part of the canyon without ‘walking upon this earth.’  And Lillie… my Decidueye can carry you.  I mean, probably, right?  You weigh like 40 kilos soaking wet.  It’s airtight!  Even if there’s anyone watching the trial grounds, and even if someone actually cares about some weird decades-old ritual prohibitions.”  Lillie and B stare at each other in trepidation.  “Come on, let’s get moving!”  They shrug resignedly, B calls out his Haunter, and I deploy Decidueye, then step forward to the stone tablet and stop. “Yo, we ain’t got all day, so what’s the delay?” B asks. “Just… thinking about the tablet…” “I thought you said it didn’t apply to us?” Lillie asks nervously. “Well, of course it doesn’t,” I reply, then step past the threshold and into the trial grounds.  I wait a couple of beats, and nothing happens.  “See?  Told you.”  A deafening roar with a strange brassy echo rings out from the depths of the canyon.  “…coincidence.” Suddenly, a little hard-headed dinosaur-like Pokémon, identified by the Rotomdex as a Jangmo-o, hops out from behind a rock and growls at us. “See?  Aww, look at you,” I coo at the tiny Dragon-type, reaching out to scratch it under the chin.  “Did you make that big scary roar?  Did you?  You’re gonna grow up to be a ginormous monster some day, aren’t you, you little cutie-” As if on cue, the same clanging, brassy roar sounds out again, and a huge lizard-creature, covered in round metallic-looking armour scales, crawls out from behind a rock that seems like it couldn’t possibly have been large enough to hide it.  It roars again, and a blazing totemic aura flares to life around it.  “…uh oh.” The Rotomdex claims that the giant lizard, Kommo-o, is a Dragon/Fighting Pokémon, so I try throwing Toucannon at it first – and learn first that Kommo-o’s ability is Bulletproof, and second that Toucannon’s Beak Blast is on the vaguely defined list of blast and bomb moves that Bulletproof negates.  The Kommo-o summons a Hakamo-o, evidently the species’ middle stage, and they crush my poor Toucannon together. I decide to deploy my secret weapon, Zygarde.  Its Aura Break ability must be effective against Totem Pokémon auras, otherwise why would it even be in this game?

…that doesn’t help one bit.

“What are you even for?” I yell at Zygarde.  It snorts indignantly, knocking out the Hakamo-o and wounding the Kommo-o with a Thousand Arrows barrage, but then gets hit full in the face by Kommo-o’s own signature move, Clanging Scales, a cacophonous blast of sound that sends the World Shaker reeling.  Kommo-o calls out again and a Scizor appears from nowhere, so I choose my Salazzle next.  She, of course, is actually competent, and not only melts the Scizor’s armour to slag with Flamethrower, but finishes off the Kommo-o with her Dragon Pulse.  B and his Haunter float out from behind a rock where they had been hiding, and my Decidueye, with Lillie’s shoulders still gripped tightly in his talons, descends from above.  “See, what did I tell you?” I proclaim before either of them can say a word.  “Doesn’t apply to us.”

The team:

Tane the Decidueye Male, Timid nature, Overgrow ability Level 47 Steel Wing, Leaf Blade, Synthesis, Spirit Shackle

Rhea the Toucannon Female, Lax nature, Keen Eye ability Level 46 Bullet Seed, Roost, Beak Blast, Brick Break

Ashley the Psychu Female, Timid nature, Surge Surfer ability Level 47 Thunderbolt, Focus Blast, Nasty Plot, Psychic

Joanna the Salazzle Female, Timid nature, Corrosion ability Level 47 Flamethrower, Nasty Plot, Sludge Bomb, Toxic

Sigourney the Golisopod Female, Careful nature, Emergency Exit ability Level 47 Brick Break, Payback, First Impression, Leech Life

Zygarde Genderless, Sassy nature, Aura Break ability Level 43 Safeguard, Stone Edge, Dragon Dance, Thousand Arrows