#(I'm pretty tired these two days I think my english is worse than usual)

[bluastro-yellow]

I know nothing about Sudd cobas but holyshit

8 shitty small factories now have normal working hours and indeterminate time contracts! in PRATO!!!

[the---hermit]

Medicine is not kicking in and I'm in pain and tired (is this relevant?, no) so I need to occupie my brain in other things and my brain have questions and I'm sorry.

- What's your favourite and least favourite form of coffee?

- If you could re start over what major would you choose.? (Can't choose your current one, sorry brain rules)

- what's the most romantic thing you have ever done for someone and viceversa?

- Will you ever do a face reveal?

- what's your least favourite pasta? (Is it wrong to asume all Italians like pasta?)

- What's your worst irrational fear?

- Do you see yourself getting married and kids and all that stuff that a general public wants.

- Do you believe in LDRs work?

You do NOT need to answer at all I'm just typing without a filter.

Hello! I hope you'll feel better anon, happy to keep you company! I'll answer in order without copy all the questions, I'm lazy, sorry about that.

My go to coffee is a very simple espresso (how Italian of me I know, but it's so good). I really do not like americano coffee, I know with espresso you just get a couple of sips, but it gives me much more satisfaction than a big mug. I feel like americano has not the strong taste I link to coffee, I don't know it's probably what I am used to.

If I couldn't pick history/historical sciences again I'd probably study herbalism/herbal science no idea what's the name in English. To be really honest with you I'd like to do a course one day, aybe not a full degree but at least a small class on herbalism would be a dream.

I'm not the most romantic creature on this Earth, and I have never been in a relationship so I'll have to pick something in old friendships I had. Well, to really dig in the past, when I was in middle school I had this best friend (the fact that only years later our friendship ended I realized I very probably had feelings for her is a whole another story) and I know it will sound very stupid but she did not have a stable internet connection in her home, so what I did everyday, and I reapeat everyday, I wrote her emails like little letters with music I found, and idk whatever cute image a 12 yo can share with her friend, and I use to write little stories for her. Then when she came to my place we would go through them, and I just remember my joy of seeing her reading all the crap I wrote her, very lame but it holds a special place in my heart. Additionally another thing I did for another ex-friend of mine many many years after that was a personalized journal. She was struggling with her mental health so I custumed a journal for her to both work some stuff out and to get her spirits up a bit. Do these two very random yet specific things answer your question? No idea, you'll tell me.

I highly doubt I'll do a face reveal. Never say never but I hate taking pictures of myself, and I am not really a big social person, or else I wouldn't be on tumblr, would I?

We do eat a lot of pasta. What I have always found really funny is that non-Italians often consider pasta a dish to make in special occasions, or something that takes effort, here if you invite someone over at the very last minute you usually apologize because you can just cook a quick pasta and that's it. Anyway this is not what you asked me, I do not like big pasta like paccheri for example, and for a very specific reason, it get cold quicker, and I like my dishes to be as hot as possible. If with your question you meant what is my least favourite sauce I don't eat any kind of cheese so anything with that.

I am pretty scared of water, I can't swim so big bodies of water are not my thing, and for some reason the idea of drowning sounds like one of the worse possible deaths. I'm trying to think other irrational fears I have but I can't think of any at the moment, I surely have more.

I am not opposed to marriage, but I don't really feel the need, does that make sense? I mean I consider marriage more of a useful thing in terms taxes and other practical stuff, but emotionally or ideally it's just not something I care. If you love someone and feel good around them having a wedding ring won't change that. So you could say I am pretty indifferent to that, as for kids I absolutely do not want any. I am terrible with infants, I do not want that responsability thank you very much.

Starting with the fact that I just googled LDR, and assuming google isn't lying to me and that means long distance relationships, I think it really depends on the people involved. I don't know I personally would be able to make that work, but as I mentioned I have never been in a relationship before so I don't know if I could make anything work.

I ended up answering to all of them (I think?). I always have fun with these things, and hey you also kept me company with all this stuff! As I said I hope you'll feel better, and when you need distraction I am more than happy to help! Have a good night/day!

(I typed this quite quickly and I did not reread it, which means there will be lots of mistakes, pretend there aren't thanks)

[jslittlebirdie]

Here Without You

Pairing: Soft!Ledger!Joker x Reader

Summary: Your last days have been really bad and exhausting. There are always new problems you have to take care of, you feel tired and burnt out, and on top of that, J hasn't shown up for several days. That was until today.

Word count: 1,344

Genre: probably a bit angsty / fluffy comfort / self-insert

Warnings: Reader has a bad day, low self esteem

Notes: A very big thank you to my dearest best friend @fan-of-pretty-much-2-much for encouraging me to post this fic. What would I do without you, your support and love? I own you so much🥺😭 Also, thank you so incredibly much for this simply beautiful title💜

Well, this fic is a total self-insert😅 I basically wrote it for myself as a comfort. So it's probably too cheesy and my characterization of J is way too soft and ooc. But maybe someone will like it anyway, I don't know. So read at your own risk lol🙈 Also, the text is unedited and English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Taglist: @ajokeformur-ray @sacredempressnatlyia @rommies

It had been days now since you last saw your clown. News reports were your only clues as to his whereabouts and well-being. You didn't blame him, he was a busy man - a free man who came and went as he pleased - and you wouldn't keep him from his business. Even though, if you were honest, you would love to not let him leave your apartment ever again, and instead keep him with you where you knew he was safe; not that he couldn't take care of himself.

But you missed him terribly. And on top of that, your doubts and insecurities were getting worse with each passing day. You probably weren't good enough for him, too boring and annoying with all your worries. Would he ever come back to you? Was he tired of you? Had you perhaps upset him without knowing it?

And today... Today was a particularly bad day. Already early in the morning the day had started with bad news, new things you had to take care of. Problems kept coming up, there just seemed to be no end in sight. Once you had taken care of one thing, two new things popped up. You felt overwhelmed, burned out and tired. You longed for a break. You longed for him.

A familiar noise. But you only heard it very distantly. You were far too lost in your sad and gloomy thoughts. You sat on your bed and stared at the wall. Your eyes hurt because you tried to hold back your tears as hard as you could, even though you knew it was wrong. But you wanted to stay strong, not show any weakness.

The noise came closer, heavy footsteps. The door to your room cracked open and a face painted with makeup peered in, looking for you. When J spotted you, he grinned mischievously. But his good mood soon changed when he saw you in this miserable state. He immediately noticed that something was wrong, even if he didn't quite know what it was yet. So he entered your room without waiting for you to give him your permission. And even when J stood right in front of you and looked at you with his beautiful dark eyes, which actually showed a hint of concern, you hardly reacted, which admittedly only worried him more. Because you normally ran up to him at the first sign of his presence. But today was... different. And he didn't like it at all.

"What's the matter, toots, hm? I'm back, I'm here."

You stared at him, but you couldn't see him. You hadn't quite realized yet that he was truly standing in front of you. It seemed more like your mind was playing a trick on you - an evil trick to torture you even more. "I'm so sorry, J," you finally uttered. It wasn't so much directed at him as you were talking to yourself.

"You're sorry for what?" He frowned thoughtfully. He couldn't remember anything you had done that you needed to apologize for. But it wasn't a surprise that you apologized in the first place. You apologized for the smallest things, sometimes even for apologizing. But this time, he was a little bit confused.

"I don't know. That I annoyed you with... with me being the way I am. I don't know, okay?!" That was the moment you snapped back to reality. You saw him. Standing in front of you, in his usual slightly bent posture, his head tilted to one side as he tried to figure things out. And that's when you couldn't hold back your tears any longer.

Intuitively, J leaned down towards you and reached out to cup your face with his gloved hands. But you flinched away from him, too ashamed and insecure. "No, J. Don't!"

But he didn't let that stop him. Even though you had said the exact opposite, he could tell by the look in your eyes how much you wanted him. And it caused a strange feeling to rise in his chest - he wasn't sure what to think of it, so he just shrugged it off and focused all of his attention back on you. He sat down next to you, wrapped his arms around your body that was trembling with tension, and gently pulled you to him. This time you let it happen; the second he touched you, you were like putty in his hands. Moments later you found yourself on his lap and you couldn't help but cling to him as tightly as you could, your tear-streaked face buried in his broad chest, inhaling his scent between heavy sobs - a mixture of burnt rubber, gasoline and sweat (he had been out there for days, of course, he hadn't had time to worry about such trivialities) and something so specifically J that your heart ached. Oh, how much you had missed him. All you wanted and needed was him. Your J. It was kind of ironic. While others ran away from him in sheer panic, you longed for him. You had never been like others, you saw so much more in him than just a criminal. To you, he was your charming, sometimes pretty grumpy, but still in his own special way caring and loving clown - but you better not say this out loud. You just loved him. This realization hit you so hard that a new wave of emotions washed over you.

"Shush. I'm here, I gotcha." He shifted beneath you, loosening his grip around you, causing you to sigh in frustration. Rustling of expensive material and then suddenly you felt all warm - he had wrapped you in his royal purple coat and then put his arms around you again like a vice. You were in the warmest, safest embrace you could ever think of. Immediately, your body relaxed, your trembling finally subsided. You listened to his steady heartbeat and mimicked his breathing. J hummed and smiled to himself as he noticed your reaction.

When you finally felt calm enough, you lifted your face off of him so you could look at him; your eyes were bloodshot and dark rings stood out beneath them. He hated to see you like this, but he said nothing; he waited until you were ready to talk. And you were ready. You took a deep breath and finally murmured, "Today was just a shitty day. There's so much to do and it seems to never get any less. Everything is too much. And I... I missed you so much... I thought you weren't coming back."

"But here I am, right?" He squeezed you a little tighter to put emphasis on his words. "I know you've got a lot going on right now. But ya got this, toots. You're tougher than you think you are. Aaand..." A huge and devious grin formed on his lips. You could literally see him thinking about all the things he had done in the past few days. "I need to lay a little low for the next few days."

"Yeah, I picked up something like this on the news. What is it this time?" You're no longer able to suppress a weak giggle. And a yawn. You were so very tired and exhausted, you hadn't slept well since J left, when he wasn't by your side. But now that you were cocooned in his protective warmth... Your eyes grew heavier and heavier. "So does this mean you're staying home, J?"

"I'm not going anywhere, sweets." He moved you both on the bed until you were in a lying position, you still on top of him wrapped in his coat. Even though he would never admit it, he had missed you too. And holding you in his arms like that - feeling you, knowing you were safe and relaxed - made him aware of his own exhaustion. He pressed a sloppy kiss to your forehead, leaving a beautiful reminder for you when you woke up in the morning, and then closed his eyes himself.

[mami-koppe]

Desperate - Dabi x Reader

This is my first fic ever in this fandom pls be gentl. no beta reader WE DIE LIKE SCUM. Also please note that english is not my native language so if you find something wrong *please* point it out 👀 Enjoy!

TW: smut, angst, mentions of drug use and abortion, violence, yadda yadda. aaa

Cyan eyes open up, alarmed and scared and anxious, only relaxing when following the rise and fall of the lump under the white comforter set just beside him. He knows he shouldn't be here; he's had a few more nightmares about a fellow villain finding out about your existence than he was comfortable with. In his dreams they would tear down your house, break the heirloom grandfather clock in your hallway, ravage all the cabinets and drawers (maybe they would find that picture of him under your Christmas-decorated pine tree, the only proof you had of his existence intermingled with yours, and you thought you hid it oh so well but Dabi's far more smarter than that). A shiver runs down his spine and he breaks a sweat when he imagines if Overhaul was the one raiding your apartment. The yakuza boss would most likely delight himself in breaking and putting you back together, again and again, only so he could leave in your bedroom wall a myriad of blood splatters for Dabi to find and grieve for. Chisaki would make sure he wouldn't even have a body to bury. Maybe if he was feeling lucky, not even a brick of your house would be intact, your whole life only resisting in Dabi's memory.

He wishes he could be honourable and selfless enough to say that's the main reason he never bothered to officialise your relationship; but even greater than the fear of coming home and finding your body reduced to a pulp, is the fear of being vulnerable (yet again). He kinda cares about you, yes, he can say that much, and anyone who has met you for more than 15 minutes know that you're in deep. He's not that emotionally stunted. But he's jaded enough to know that caring is a concept with many translations and definitions, and if you so happened to have a different one than he did, specially if that concept involved controlling and screaming and fighting and black bruises all over his back while his skin burned off at every flash of his quirk painfully taking over his body ... He couldn't just sit down and wait to find out.

Also, you seem pretty fine with this arrangement. He has a knack this has less to do with letting him roam free range, and far more with knowing that as soon as you express the need to define the feelings that have grown stronger and stronger for over three years, he will be out the door to never come back. And that simply won't do.

Almost as sensing his distress, you wake up and wrap both your arms around his neck. He tenses for a fraction of second, then relaxes, reaching out for the cigarette pack you leave in the nightstand just for him.

_ "What's on your mind, babe? You seem real distracted. I know you're usually kinda emo but that much brooding just isn't you. Are you okay? Perhaps you're having... cravings again? Did something happen? Was it crusty fuck again? If he tried to decay your face again, I'm so gonna fuck him up..." You run his fingers through his coarse hair, trying to show your adoration while lightly pressing your lips to his jaw and he shudders both from your ministrations and the mentions of his past cravings.

_ "...Whoa whoa whoa, calm down princess. Why are you even awake? It's still really fucking early for so many questions. One would think you would be out like a light by now, since we had so much fun last night, but guess I haven't fucked you hard enough if you still have half a mind to think about all that, dollface. And fuck you, I'm not emo." – he stops, cringing at his out-of-nowhere flirting and vague answers, hoping you don't see right through his crude words, thrown around in case you haven't noticed he's been shaking for the last 20 minutes.

Please don't notice. Please let it go. Please don't point it out.

_ "...Yeah, maybe you're right. But I should be asking you the same, it's 2am and you still got the energy to lewd me. And YES you are emo and well fuck you too. Forget I asked anything, love, if you want to we can talk about that tomorrow morning. Can't afford to be tense when tomorrow's gonna be such a long day, right? So what do you say about letting me tire us both out so we can finally have a full cycle of sleep?", you say, and in that moment he knows that you know.

The sudden pause in your sleep ridden speech tells that you have at least an idea that he's not fine in the slightest, but decided to just ignore it, knowing that your black haired lover wouldn't want to talk about it anyway. So you lift a leg just above his hipbone to pull him closer to your hot, warm core, both of you still naked and spent from your previous lovemaking, one of the few displays of affection he's completely comfortable with.

He runs his hands all over your sides, commiting them to his memory (just in case common sense comes to you without knocking and you finally leave him); suddenly his hands find your hair and tug at your nape, pulling your neck back to find his charred lips. Your smells mingle together, and it's all a blur of smoke, sandalwood, scotch and black pepper.

You kiss him, bringing his mouth towards yours with fervor, while slowly stroking his manhood, pausing around his tip, smearing his precum on your mouth with your fingers (you know he loves seeing you covered in him, and after all these years he wouldn't man up and admit it freely, so you tease him to no end). He can't find it in himself to be rough to you tonight, but it seems you have different plans because it doesn't look like you'll be patient enough for foreplay; and in a blink you are tangled in a mess of sheets and legs and sweat, him sliding swiftly into your heat, appreciating the drag of his swollen tip inside your pussy, going in and out roughly, the fast paced rythm of your skin slapping together only stopping when you feel the familiar head rush of your impeding orgasm and the sensation of his white hot seed spilling deep inside your throbbing center.

His low moans fill the room as he feels you tightly clenching around him; you cannot follow him in his vocal declarations due to being physically incapable of screaming anymore, a mix of pleas and gasps falling out your lips as he bottoms out and groans your name, fucking his cum deeper inside of you. The space between your foreheads close, both heavily panting near each others mouths, following a kiss that's way too sweet considering your personalities.

For a moment, he kinda wants to say those damned three words, but he will be dead before he makes a fool of himself like that, so he kisses your forehead and pull you to his chest, helping himself to a now dreamless sleep.

-------------------------------------------------

It's one of your biggest flaws yet: you are far worse in keeping secrets than you give yourself credit for.

In the five years you spent together, he has plenty of evidence to support this case – all the gifts that were supposed to be a surprise, the job promotion you were hoping to disclose about at a movie night in your house (that said promotion tumbling out of your mouth in one of your daily, unimportant phone calls), the stray cat you tried to adopt without his knowledge (because obviously he would say no without even thinking about it, but now Tama's getting fatter and meaner than ever and Dabi lives for it), and you always said it was the other way around, that Dabi was the one who was way too good at uncovering things that he wasn't supposed to.

And in that exact moment, he wishes you were wrong, because the ripped blue cardboard box he finds forgotten in your bathroom floor just behind the toilet – probably fallen, since it's a bad habit of yours to let your shit fall all over the floor and eventually forget to pick it up – looks too much like the ones he would see in drugstores and at that time Shigaraki made him work undercover for a week in a brothel to gather intel about a winged pro hero who was kind of a degenerate, and he freezes.

He sensed something wrong weeks ago, your delicious skin even more tender to the touch and your face perpetually stuck in a barely concealed frown. He tried to ask you what's the matter a few times, before finally granting you the same leniency given to him when he was having a bad day and wanted to be left alone.

Now the only things going through Dabi's head is "why didn't she tell me", "wasn't she on birth control", "what the fuck is going on" and suddenly he understands why his – wife? girlfriend? lover? fuck buddy? SHIT – always said that some things can't just be left ignored. He never wanted to get high so much in his life.

Like a man possessed, he goes through your trash (it's not like he's not used to some dumpster diving and other unsavoury survival skills, since being a kinda prolific villain can only happen so late in life and before that, you have an empty stomach and way less standards than you'd like to), pausing when he finds what he was dreading: a fucking plastic wire, adorned with two dark pink lines. His eyes begin to blur and he can only thank so much you're at work right now so you can't hear his raging shouts ressonating around your room.

-------------------------------------------------

He does what he does best: he ignores it, simply leaving it all exactly where he found it and waits for you to come home. He helps you cook your favourite meal – you insist it's his turn to choose, but he says he's craving yours – runs you a bath, making sure to douse every crevice of your body in that cherry body wash he loves to smell in you, makes love to you until your head spins and your body is feeling almost bloated with his essence.

Can't get anymore pregnant than that, huh?

He asks about your day, and you let it all out, and every time you make that face you do when you want to tell him something important, he kisses you until you're breathless and changes the subject.

He desperately hopes you choose to keep it.

Then, after you're sleeping soundly on his naked chest, he brings out the duffel bag he hid earlier beneath his side of the bed, gets dressed, gives Tama his beloved wet food, sitting him down for a few minutes of belly rubs and leaves your home, his home, sending you a text through his burner phone that tells you too much about an undercover mission for the LOV that might last for years and none about where your relationship stands.

He's never felt so inadequate. Suddenly he hates being a villain.

He hopes you might catch the underlying forlorn tone in his words – that this is a "goodbye", not a "see you soon" – and not foolishly wait for him to come back. But he kinda knows it is unreasonable to expect you to move on and find a more loving, present person to warm your bed, put a smile on your face, a ring on your left hand, give his only child a decent attempt of a family, promise you the world and keep that promise. He leaves knowing that much.

And as you wake up in the middle of the night, with a cold bed, an empty apartment, a text and the briefest memory of Dabi lovingly kissing your midriff, you cry out for what could have been. Said text was supposed to be monotonous, robotic even, and it's so much like Dabi to go on a mission without wanting to say goodbye in person (because he's too cool for that) that normally you wouldn't even bat an eye, but you know you'll never see him again because of the words adorning the end of your screen.

I love you.

--------------------------------------------------

Yet again, Dabi's dreams haven't ever been easy on him. He jumps out of the bed, startled, as he fumbles with a bag of white pills which he spent the last year or so sneaking from your sight and angrily swallows four at once; the image of a little girl with her grandmother's hair and his azure eyes, no older than three, tightly clutching his hand and smiling. It's way too early in the morning for this shit and he can't be bothered to deal with that yet. Not sober.

Papa, look! I've drawn us today at school! I've made sure you look cool enough like you asked, okay? That's you in your coat, that's mama, that's Tama and that's me!

He's not sure he should burn the image to his mind or off his mind. He still hears your stupid giggles in the back of his head (probably it doesn't help that he has been watching almost daily for the last six months that particular video of you hollering, high as a kite, when he and the LOV raided the compounds of a drug cartel that was antagonising their plans, and let's say that Dabi has come home that day with more than a few weed satchels).

Feeling the top of his head getting heavier and his eyes blurring with difficulty to focus, he clings to the porcelain sink in his hotel room, mindlessly bangs his head on the cabinet just below the small mirror until his forehead is openly bleeding – not that he can feel anything when he's like that anyway, but he DID always try – and lets himself fall to his knees, silently glaring at the floor.

He somberly notes that his blood has painted the bathroom floor a vibrant red. He hopes yours isn't painted too.

Later that day when he has already puked almost all the drugs out his system, he and Kurogiri are sent on a minor errand; some human trafficking ring leader, a former ally, was threatening to spill out their secrets and they were to break and enter, kill him swiftly and move on with their lives, no biggie. But as he steps into the compound – a shell orphanage, he notes – Dabi knows it's not going to be a normal mission. Soon as the children know the leader's dead, most of them flee, making a run for their long lost freedom; but a small group, maybe six or seven of them, stays. And usually Dabi is proud of being the nonchalant, motionless member of the party, but with the late events even he can't help to be a little horrified when he notices that children as young as four have the same eyes he had when he fled his childhood home, Ende- his house.

Children that have seen so much grief and despair they can't be bothered to exit the building, even when he irritatedly screams at them to get out already as the walls roar up in flames. They have no reason for escaping; their will to go on died way before their bodies did. He can look into their eyes and tell already that they will turn out to be like him, or worse. This would be the perfect time for a rookie wide-eyed pro hero to appear and save these innocent children just so they can grow up so emotionally damaged that they will turn to villainy, to be eventually caught and brutally murdered by the very same hero.

Dabi knows the kids will stay rooted to the same spot until they're engulfed by the flames or choked up in poisonous smoke and that's gonna take so much longer; he's already in deep shit with Shigaraki because he said "no witnesses" and so many of them have already fled, so he does what he does best – ignores the vision he has of that little girl, his little girl, embraced by the blue fire of his body as he gives the children the most quick, painless death he can think of.

Dabi's thankful that they don't bother to make a sound. He doesn't think he could stay clean for much longer if he could hear the white haired girl's voice in the squeals and pitiful sobs of the children who stayed behind.

--------------------------------------------------

He returns to his empty hotel room that day, still hearing Shigaraki's screeches ringing in his ear, and the only thing he wants to do is to swallow the whole bag of pills he still has under his mattress and doze off until he chokes up on his own vomit and doesn't wake up the next morning, but he cannot die, not yet, and that night he remembers the children's empty glares as he brings out the half full bottle of whiskey sitting besides his bed and drinks till he's tumbling unconsciously down the wall.

The morning after he wakes up a little emptier inside and his sheets are actually wet with the sweat he expelled during his goriest nightmare yet, but the possibility that yet another child is going to end like the ones he has spared killed the day before drives him mad with frustration. And then, he takes the longest steps he's ever taken in your home's direction.

-------------------------------------------------

This time, is your turn to wake up in a sweat. You can clearly hear the noise of a window lock being picked (your former lover did this way too much in the beginning of your relationship, so much you suspected that he did it for fun, even when you gave him a spare key), and the sheer panic that runs through your whole being when your brain computes it's the nursery window lock being picked, you grab the pistol Dabi gave to you after a night out with your friends almost went sour in a robbery, and runs to your newborn daughter's room. You can feel the tears gathering around your eyes, desperate to hear her make any sound – anything to know she's alive – and when you kick the door open, the gun in your hands seems heavier than it does when shooting, as soon as you reckon the black hair and blue eyes you loved (honestly, love) so much, you seem to forget how to breathe.

The father of your child is holding onto her so tightly, a pained but relieved expression on his face as he clutches her so close to his warm chest, and you feel something wet running down both your cheeks as he presses his trembling lips to her forehead, almost like he expected to find the spare room in your apartment just the way he saw last, empty and full of broken spare parts of utensils and furniture. Your daughter is not bothered at all, like she recognizes him even if she never met him before and your heart is so confused.

Is he gonna leave again?

You longed for him throughout all your pregnancy, wanting him to know he was going to be a father, wanting him to see her first sonograms, feel her first kicks but you knew Dabi could only be there when his mission was over. And you waited, even if every cell in your brain screamed at you for it, confirming what you already suspected – he's abandoned you, both of you.

He thought that maybe you would be gullible enought to believe he was gone for a few months, not the slightest intention of leaving you behind, but in that moment, he knows that you know. And as you choose to let it go once again, he feels all the weight on his shoulders disappear as you both say, in unison:

"Welcome home."

[twisted-writing-mess]

Get This Right

Song fic.

Characters: Rook Hunt, Reader

Notes: Rook deserves more love so here is my participation in the “time for Rook to get what he deserves” squad. This idea came up while I was listening to the Frozen II soundtrack. Hope you’ll enjoy! Have an amazing day, wherever you are!

Also, @jangmi-latte​ you said something about wanting to be tagged on Pomefiore related stories so I did! (I hope it doesn’t bother you)

Please also note that English is not my first language, sorry for any grammatical mistakes.

Usually, Rook was not the shy type. He was the fambloyant type. Every person in this school was aware of his shiny presence. He was known for his theatrical enters, his French nicknames, his hunter habits, but also for being such a colourful yet nice person. The only one who could keep up with the strict Vil Schoenheit without any problem. He had more than one admires.

Yet, there was one person who always managed to surprise him and, I dare say, to make him flutter.

You.

He met you on his very first year here, at Night Raven College. You caught his eyes right away, with your beautiful hair, your cute face, your shiny eyes... But most importantly, with your wonderful personality. No matter what your qualities and flaws were, for him, every single part of your being was perfect just the way it was.

At first, as usual, it was a hunting game for him. He would look at you from afar, analyzing your every move and habit, taking mental notes of everything. Your physical abilities, your way to speak, your attitude toward your friends, your reactions when meeting an obstacle...

“Just go and talk to them already,” Vil sighed one day, while Rook was looking through the window with a longing look in your direction. That silly smile and blushing face... The beautiful yet poisonous student was getting tired of it, since Rook was not paying attention to their current experiment.

Yes. He is right. He should. And he wanted to. But when he finally decided to make the move, you beat him to it.

“Why are you stalking me?” You asked, as soon as you spotted him. And that was it. It was as if Cupid shoot him an arrow right into the heart. Since he was not reacting, you waved your hand before his eyes.

“Are you free for lunch?” were the first words he ever said to you. And without really knowing why, you accepted his offer.

This was how you became friends. Rook quickly grew closer and closer to you, until finally asking you out half way through your first year. This day, you made him the happiest man in the world. Until now.

Third year. It will soon be the end of your shared third year among Night Raven College. And it was also your third year of relationship. Rook was starting to have troubling thoughts. When this year will come an end, then what will happen? Will you stay here and try the fourth year? Will you go back to your homeland? The hunter was scared. He could not be separated from you. He refused to. And suddenly, a bright idea. The right thing to do. He knew it was what he wanted. But will you?

“You want to ask for their hand?” Vil asked, absolutely stunned by his friend’s announcement. “Mon cher roi de poison (1), you heard me right,” Rook exclaimed, “I can’t stand the thought of losing them, I want to be together with my sweet love for my whole life!”

This exclamation was so Rook. The hunter came to his trusted friend, and hopefully one day wing man, for advice. He wanted to get this right. It was such a rare vision, the flamboyant Rook being unsure about how to act. But his eyes were burning with determination and dedicated love. Vil sighed. He could not go against his Vice Dorm Leader.

“I will help you with the ring,” he finally said, “I can’t let you ridiculed yourself by choosing something unfitting.” A large smile appeared on Rook’s features. The Pomefiore Dorm Leader was really the best friend he could ever ask for.

Weeks passed. Weeks during which Rook rehearsed his love speech, the on-one-knee position, the ring showing moment... With the participation of a tired Vil.

And finally, he felt ready. Today was the day where Rook will propose to you.

“Mon rayon de soleil! (2)” Rook exclaimed, running to you. You stopped in your track to wait for him to catch up with you. “Hello, Rook,” you smiled before giving him a kiss on the cheek once he was next to you, “I haven’t seen you the whole day. Where were you?”

“I was quite busy, unfortunately, but just seeing you now was enough to brighten my day,” he smiled sweetly. Always so smooth. "Then, if you're less busy, let's walk together," you offered. And he gladly accepted. Now, it was the perfect opportunity for him to strike.

He made sure the walking led you away from people's eyes. He wanted to make his move away from people, just the two of you for this magical moment.

"Mon ange (3)," he called, suddenly stopping. You stopped soon after to look at him with curiosity in your eyes. You were caught off guard by the look on his face. Your lover, Rook Hunt, actually seemed unsure. Troubled. Nervous.

"Rook, are you alright?" You asked, your voice full of worries. Oh no, here, he worried you. The hunter looked down, not looking at you anymore. It only made things worse.

"Oh, Rook, I'm sorry," you hurriedly say, "you're tired and I made you come with me, I should have let you go home and rest."

"It's not you!" His outburst surprised even him. He calmed down, noticing your own troubled look. "It's me... I..." He hesitated, his cheeks turning a cute shade of pink. You really were the only person able to make the flamboyant Rook bashful.

"Mon amour (4)... You always manage to swip me off my feet, and I hope I make you feel as happy as you make me happy," he started, "there was times where I wondered if you didn't deserve someone better than me."

"What? Rook, why would you think-" "Non, non, let me finish, please," he cut you off. If he did not get it out at once, he feared he might lose his words again. He could not believe he rehearsed his proposal for hours with Vil only to stutter in front of you. This was unlike him.

"I want to get this right, to be the right one for you," he admitted. "You are the most extraordinary person I've ever met, and I am so grateful I was offered the blessing to share my everyday life with you for three years now."

You listened to Rook with absolute attention. The more he was talking, the faster your heart was beating. You could feel your cheeks grow hotter too. His words were making their way to your heart, squeezing it lovingly. You could squealed out of happiness, but you kept control over yourself, not daring to interrupt him again.

"And I would love it if you would make me the honor of... Of..." Rook patted his pocket, only to feel nothing there. "Wait..." He checked every of his pockets. Nothing. "I forgot the ring..."

"What is it?" You asked, not understanding his mumbles. Rook looked panicked now. "Rook?" You reached out to him, only for him to run away from your touch. Literally. Rook suddenly ran away.

"Rook, wait! Come back!"

The hunter ran away from his one and only. He did not dare to look back. "Good job, Rook," he thought to himself while running, "you just ruined the moment."

He could not believe it. How could he forget the ring?! He did not get this right, in the end. How would he come back to you after running from you like this? And how would he face Vil after ruining both of their efforts? Going back to Pomefiore now might not be the best idea. But the ring had to be there, in his bedroom.

Rook took some time for himself, to calm his nerves and his panic, before heading back to the Pomefiore Dormatory. His plan was to take the forgotten ring before going to search for you. He was still in time to save the situation. Right?

But everything stopped when he opened the door, only to see you in the Dorm Hall, talking with Vil. Maybe it was still time to run away again.

"There you are," your voice called out. He understood he could not run from this. You made your way to him with a determined walk. He was already planning an apology. You stopped just a foot away from him. The hunter was about to open his mouth to apologize, but once again, you beat him to it.

"Mister Rook Hunt, will you marry me?"

He was stunned. You were looking right into his eyes. You had the confidence he lost. And at this very moment, you were more beautiful than you have ever been. A large goofy smile made its way on his lips. It was as if he was falling for you all over again. What did he do to deserve such a magnificent being?

"It would be my honor!" Rook took you in his arms, turning around with you cradled against him. He stopped, setting you back down. His forehead against yours, his adoring eyes were looking right into yours.

"I'm going to be the man you deserve," he smiled. "You already are, silly," you replied.

"I will make your life the most beautiful one in the world," he added. "You're doing pretty good so far," you chanted.

You wrapped your arms back around his neck to bring him down to your level. He gladly accepted the physical invitation and planted a sweet kiss on your lips. When you parted away, Rook longingly stared into your eyes and caressed your now red cheek. "We got it right."

"No, you did not." Vil finally manifested himself, showing the ring box he was holding in his hand. Oh, yes, the forgotten ring.

---

(1) Mon cher roi de poison: my dear poison king

(2) Mon rayon du soleil: my ray of sunshine

(3) Mon ange: my angel

(4) Mon amour: my love

[moonraccoon-exe]

(1)Btw Coonie, I'm crying at that last post. Those tags, Coonie please don't berate yourself. I know I'm the last person who has the right to say anything like this. Remember one of my firts asks? About Ignis and Gladio with the self worth issues? And I said I wasn't doing well? I never told you how bad it was. I was suicidal, Coonie. I wanted to take my own life that day. I still struggle with things every day. Bad BG, I tell myself. BG screwing everything up as usual. TBC

Ah…my own words against me, smacking me like a shovel in the face. Like I needed, that’s the best part, hahaha!

*sigh* Wow…I’m sitting here speechless. Yesterday I had my answers, but I wanted to wait for today when I was in a less negative color. And now that I sit here, dealing a little better with the guilt and this situation, I can just smile and tear up at the same time and I’m not sure how to react.

I’ll add a read more, buddy, hope it doesn’t bother you.

Like Peridot, I owe you an apology. More than one, and not the sort where I hate on myself; just an apology, not because I think I did wrong and I’m this and that, just because I do owe it.

I’m sorry that you projected yourself there. All I’ve tried to do when it’s the case is to help people to help themselves to heal. Projecting and bringing back a bad side of yourself that hurts you, that’s not help at all. I want you to project the better side, the one that’s always there and you just neglect sometimes, not the one you already know. 

I’m sorry I made you cry, whether because of how you projected yourself there or because it saddened you to see me talking that way. I thank you for the concern, but I’m sorry for the possible tears and the pinch in the heart. I didn’t mean to talk about myself like that.

And lastly I’m sorry I did talk about myself like that. Again, this isn’t the “I’m sorry I’m an idiot :(” sort of apology, it’s the objective “I’m sorry, I was an idiot.” You’re not selfish by accepting the apology, as I’m not doing wrong giving it, and you know that. 

What can I say?

Thank you for opening up to me about your intimacy. But I’m profoundly sorry it had to be like this; that what I said was awful enough to drive you to open up about this, maybe as some sort of last resource. I’m sorry I drove you there, but I thank you nonetheless for doing it. Reaching out to me was already incredible enough, but doing it with this intimacy, I’m not sure I deserve it, and I thank you profoundly, as intimate, for it. Thank you for sharing this, I know it must have been terribly hard.

You’re not the last person who has the right to say all of this; it’s because you KNOW these thoughts that you’re one of the best to have said something on it. That you haven’t gotten over your sadness/depression doesn’t mean you can’t encourage someone about it. Just because Sam is ten meters from the surface doesn’t mean he can’t encourage Jerry to swim up his two meters, and be happy about it, to give you a bad example parallel to the one yesterday. Your own words against you now! :)

I’m sorry you were suicidal, buddy. That’s a very hard thing to digest…and it only reminds me how glad I am that you’re here. In my blog, I mean. What would I have been without that little ray of sunshine and warmth? Maybe not suicidal, but less happy, that’s for sure. You add to my joy, with both silly and not silly things.

So thank you for not leaving, for not having done that. The world is so pretty with you in it, and there’s so many wonders for you yet to see and discover and hear, you don’t want to miss any of that, do you? Besides, on the selfish side, you make me happy. And like I told you, you’re a good person; why would you take a good heart like you away from the planet whenit most needs of kindness and good? 

Thank you for existing and living, Breakfast Girl. You don’t need to do anything “big” or in society’s “protocol” to be more than worth it. I forgot the saying in english, but I like a lot a phrase that I want you to take:

“It’s good to be great, but it’s greater to be good.”

:)

University diplomas, an “important” career, money, beauty…pscht. They’re good, yes, but you don’t NEED them to be good. Being great goes beyond what we’re expected to be, or what we’re told that it is. The greatest “Great” is being good. And you are, buddy. You’re a good person; kind, and sweet, and caring. With a heart the size of jupiter. 

I don’t know why you listen to those ugly thoughts, but I think they’re allbullshit and wrong. They see you from the inside, and have you tried to see from inside a skull? IT’S DARK! YOU CAN’T SEE FROM THERE, WHAT DO THOSE THOUGHTS KNOW, THEY CAN’T EVEN SEE YOU! >:(

But I can. And I don’t mean visually, I can see you even better than that; precisely because I can’t see you visually is that it’s easier to /sense/ you. And I sense a good heart, kind, and a bit broken, but not beyond repair. Just gotta fill those cracks with some gold, and it’ll be prettier than it used to be. :)

So next time those thoughts come you shrug them off and remember they’re just throwing insults in the dark. Wtf brain you’re inside my skull, you can’t see ME, so fuck off! You’ll say next time, and again and again whenever they appear. You’ll see how realizing that what the bully is saying is bully-shit, it loses any damage it has on you, and bully gets tired of doing it so it just leaves. :)

I digressed ( ´ ▽ ` )

I do am a bit scared that that anon I was rude to was in a delicate situation too; I don’t know what I’ll do if I know I worsened a depression or someone’s issue with self-worth or confidence. That’s what’s got me so petrified and terribly guilty; I know that it remains a safe place for everyone else, but what I concern about is that one person. Like, I don’t worry about my blog, 95% of my followers didn’t see that post, and the other 5% understand I was in a collapse, so my blog and myself are in no risk.

But what about that one person? Feeling attacked, like they bothered me, maybe even hurt. Hurt, very surely. That’s my concern, not my blog as much.This IS and will always be a safe place, for everyone, except that oneperson, and that’s what worries me. I can accept they dislike me from now on and such, I don’t mind, I just want to know they are okay. :’(

Your entry really did smack realization into me like a train running over my face out of nowhere. And I needed that. You’ve knocked sense into me, and honestly I can’t thank you enough. 

It’s like I told Peridot in an ask just some minutes ago; feeling guilt is normal, but I can’t let it eat me out like this. There’s a difference between having a wound and having a wound that I constantly poke and make worse. That it hurts, it hurts, but it’s on me to decide how much it will do so, if naturally, or worsened just because I wanted to worsen it. 

I think that I’ve done my part. While I don’t justify any sort of harm, I’ve already explained my emotional collapse more than once, and maybe it won’t justify it but it’ll explain it. That the other person decides to understand or not, it’s not on me to control. I’ve apologized, more than once. I’ve offered the apology; that the other person takes it or not, that’s not on my control. 

I’ve done all I could, the rest is none for me to do or control. And while it does drive me crazy sometimes, I’ve done what I could, and I should learn to be at peace with that enough, let the wound heal as it shall, and stop poking it.

You’re right; I’m doing more good than bad. Poking the wound and letting myself stay in this state and worse will only rot me from the inside, and then, for the one mistake I did, I’ll stop doing the other 99 good things, and that can’t be. It was wrong to have done that mistake, but it’s precisely because it was wrong that I should be learning to not do it again instead of letting that murder the rest of the good things.

I’m doing my best, my own way. I can’t be perfect; every hero, as small or great as they are, slips once, twice, a couple times, but a slip doesn’t mean they didn’t walk those other hundreds of steps successfuly.

*deep breath*

I’ve rambled a lot here, Breakfast Girl, a lot of what I’ve been trying to think lately, so this is full of little and big mantras, hahahaha. Lots of thoughts that try to put me at peace. But some if not all wouldn’t have settled properly in my head had you not made me write them down properly.

So thank you, buddy. Thanks a lot, thanks greatly, thanks enormously. This time it’s me who doesn’t have the correct or enough words to say thanks, or how this has helped me. 

See how you don’t need to be on the surface to encourage someone to continue swimming upwards? 

((if I could, as a 30 cm tall klutz of a raccoonie, so can you, right? You keeeeep sssswimming! :) ))

How do I say thanks enough, BG, buddy? I don’t think I can. Just know that I’m very, immensely grateful, from deep within my heart. :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May the stars give you three times as you’re giving to me, all this kindness, care, support, and, mostly, all this love and happiness. I’m not religious, but I’ll still ask the stars and dear cosmos to help me with those good vibes to enlighten your life as it deserves to be enlightened.

Thank you, buddy. And think that if you had taken your life that day, you wouldn’t have knocked sense in this raccoonie yesterday/today, and this raccoonie would be struggling 100 times more with the current sadness. You’re not saving my life only beecause I’m not suicidal, but hell, are you helping me. And the best part is that you’re not pushing me up; you’re smacking my face and making me realize I can stand up myself. Which I think is better, and more helpful. 

What I want to say, buddy, is that this single situation and event and this single one thing you’ve done, didn’t make you great; it showed how great you already are. Because you’re great because you’re good. Worded as I worded it; read that last sentence again if you need to understand it better. :)

I hate to hit that Post button because I feel I still need to write 1,000 more Thank Yous, but if I did that I’d never finish, haha!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again, buddy.

I hope you’re having a most fantastic day. :)

[3one3]

I'm so so so confused right now. Let me get this straight, your crush now seems to be mutual? Like he's asking you out now?! How'd this all come about?!

No one is more confused than me. This has turned into an inexplicable situation. Get a cup of tea or a glass or water, and maybe a snack, and find a comfortable position because this is a long story.

I was over there yesterday for my usual Saturday morning chill time. The other guy who works there (we’ll call him The Babysitter), who I talk to all the time, came up to me about an hour after I got there and said “[the crush] (we’ll call him The Pacifier, because he’s basically a child) wants to know if you want to come with us to the casino tonight” and I was so taken aback that I just said “Why?” I also turned 12 shades of tomato and made skeptical faces. The Babysitter then called The Pacifier over and made him ask me himself. There were some other people there too. Other guys that work there, one of which is related to The Pacifier, and were presumably going on this outing as well. It was weird because it was like everyone was gathered to watch, and I really wished I had been spying on them in the moments beforehand because you know, body language. And so The Babysitter is like “She asked why, so tell her why,” but I got no explanation. Just details. I assume he was trying to get him to say explicitly that he wanted to hang out with me, but I dunno. The Pacifier asked if I wanted to go and said they were leaving at 11 because one of them was working until then, and I could tell he felt super awkward about it, but he always sounds super awkward when he talks to me. There was some back and forth between him and The Babysitter about it being so late. I said sure, I’ll go. Then everyone went about their business. I freaked out inside because lol how did this happen? And I was trying to stop being bright red, and trying not to hurry to grab my phone and tell the two people (plus you guys) who know about the crush situation. A little while later, The Pacifier brought me a new cappuccino for no apparent reason and took away the first one. I thought, aww. I hang out a while longer to watch the tennis and stuff, and when I left I told The Babysitter to text me about later, because he has my number.

Now, let me back up a tiny bit. I think The Babysitter has known for a while that I have a small thing for The Pacifier. A few weeks ago I asked him if my number was still in his phone and if he’d know it was from me if I texted him later. We hadn’t texted in like a year. And he got all excited because he’s always hitting on me and trying to get me to go out drinking with him and I’m always “lol never”. And I said to him “chill out, it has nothing to do with you”. Then I left. My intention was to maybe ask him a question about The Pacifier, but I didn’t even know what the question was going to be, and I pretty much decided against it soon anyway. The only reason I considered it was that it might get my interest on The Pacifier’s radar if I leaked it to The Babysitter. 

A while later I went to the grocery store across the street and The Babysitter was standing outside the restaurant waiting for his ride when I was finished shopping. He shouted to me across the street. He’d been calling me for a few mins but I don’t have service in the store. I was like ugh great. Naturally he hurried over when I crossed the street and wanted to know what I was going to text him about. I said I was going to ask him a question about someone but never mind, forget it, it doesn’t matter, I can’t because you’d make fun of me forever. He texted me after a bunch of times trying to get me to ask the question. I said nope. 

Then I went in for lunch on Tuesday because I was off for the holiday and had nothing to do. I knew only The Babysitter works that shift. He makes shitty cappuccinos lol so I had iced coffee. When I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted another iced coffee and I was like “No, I want a delicious cappuccino. I miss The Pacifier. What does he do when he’s not here?” and he said “I don’t know. Do you want his number? You can ask him”. And I obviously giggled and deflected and said “no, that would be weird”. Also I sensed maybe a hint of frustration from him. Oh also a few days before that I casually asked him how old The Pacifier is, but he was hardly paying attention anyway. And one time a while ago I said something like “Pfft, you think I come here for you? I come here for The Pacifier and his beautiful eyes and delicious cappuccinos”. The next time I was there he deliberately embarrassed me by telling The Pacifier I said it tastes better when I he makes it. Anyway.

Back to last night. I text The Babysitter around 8 30, “what’s the plan?” He writes back, “[The Pacifier] says next time, he’s too tired”. I had been legit reeling all day because reasons, so I was actually kind of like phew. And I told him “good lol I don’t want to get out of bed”. I’d been trying to nap because I would have died if we went out at 11. Then I realized that I didn’t want to play games and try to be too cool for school. So I added a clarification that that means “oh. 😔” in girl-speak. The Babysitter apologized and blamed The Pacifier. Hours later he starts texting me like where are you, what are you doing, do you want to go get beers, I want to be the mosquitos that are eating you, and a bunch of other ew. As usual, my response was “never happening”. And I asked him repeatedly if The Pacifier actually wanted to invite me out or if it was really just him who wanted me to go and he knew I would say no if he asked but I would probably say yes to The Pacifier. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And he sounded drunk anyway. And his English isn’t 100%. 

Fast forward to this morning. I head over after F1 to have my coffee and read shit on my phone and whatever. As soon as I sit down, The Babysitter greets me and I think straight away jumps in with excuses for The Pacifier, telling me what time he left work and everything. I was like whatever I don’t care. In reality I was a little disappointed but it was fine. I really didn’t want to spend money going out anyway, and the place is hard to get to/from, so I had been dreading the logistics. But I expected a casual apology from The Pacifier when he brings my coffee. He always makes it for me when I walk in. I don’t even have to ask. Today, The Babysitter had to tell him a bunch of times to make it, and eventually he makes my special coffee and then GIVES IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO BRING TO ME, so I’m like ugh this is bad. He’s probably so embarrassed. 

But then he went out of his way to pretend I wasn’t even there. He took detours to other parts of the restaurant and literally hid somewhere instead of hanging out behind the bar. When he had to walk behind me, he speed-walked. If my head was even slightly turned in the direction he was coming from, he looked the other way while he walked by. I WAS MORTIFIED. Did he never want me to go in the first place and now he’s like ugh god why is she here what do I do? Is he not even a decent enough person to apologize for canceling, regardless of the circumstances? He’s really young, and he really is shy, so I was like errr maybe  he’s just terrified of me? I don’t know. People say I’m intimidating. And I legitimately never show him any sign that I have this raging crush on him. But I’m also kind of hurt. And mad. And confused. 

I also didn’t sleep last night. At all. Sometimes I get this crazy level 9000 racing thoughts thing and it’s like torture and I cant sleep. So I was cranky and exhausted, which means melodrama inside. I was trying so hard not to outwardly emote the confusion, anger, hurt, etc. because come on, I’m not even supposed to care. I have a wonderful bf. The Pacifier is just weekend morning entertainment. The Babysitter even comes over and tells me not to be sad, and I’m like I’M NOT SAD I’M TIRED OK? 

Then everything gets worse because I see this little dark silver haired lady with a cane walk by and it reminds me of my mom and I miss my mom every day and I’m like on the verge of tears because of my mom but I’m thinking about how everyone in the fucking place is going to think I’m crying over the stupid child who makes me coffee and stood me up for a group hang. I even texted my bff and explained the emergency situation and asked her to send me pics of cute ponies, STAT. She didn’t get the message right away. Instead, I watched this ESPN show about a little boy in london with a horrifying muscular disorder who found a best buddy in an Anatolian shepherd that was TIED TO GODDAMN TRAIN TRACKS AND HIT BY A TRAIN. He lost a hind leg and his tail. They’re best bros now. I got over myself. 

And then out of nowhere, The Pacifier delivers to me a new cappuccino (the first one was way below his usual standard btw, like he was nervous when he made it or something, and I hadn’t even come close to finishing it) and smiles and says “here you go, Ashley” like everything is totally normal. When I saw him coming I was like oh crap how do I behave? Should I give him the cold shoulder? Laugh and ask him what happened last night? Make a joke about him ignoring me, or being too chicken to bring the first one? I didn’t have time to make a well thought out decision. I just smiled awkwardly and said thank you. I’m pretty sure I looked as mortified as I felt. But then I did feel slightly better I guess.

Time passes. The Babysitter comes over to refill my water and he said he liked my nails, and then asked if they’re called nails. I don’t know, man. His English isn’t THAT bad. Then he’s like, “Can I come home with you and you can teach me better English?” and I laugh and say “there is only one person there invited home with me and you know who it is”, and he straight up says back “yeah but he doesn’t want to, so why not give me a chance?” and I straight up wanted to die. I don’t even know if that was a throw away comment or if he was really saying The Pacifier has no interest whatsoever. If it’s the latter, what the hell was that whole thing about yesterday? I’M SO CONFUSED. I don’t get any of it. I texted The Babysitter after I left- “Why did you make him go through that whole charade yesterday?”- and he hasn’t responded. Usually he does. Usually he never misses an opportunity to send me gross messages back. 

Theory #1: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and think it would make me happy if he invited me to hang out? If he did, what did he think was going to happen when it was clear that The Pacifier didn’t actually want to invite me or have anything to do with me????? How was that going to play out? Did he just assume I would have said no? 

Theory #2: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and, knowing how shy he is, want to help him get some ass, and talked him into inviting me out? But The Pacifier didn’t really want to and didn’t want any help but gave in because peer pressure? Honestly I can’t imagine he truly struggles for female attention. He is physically attractive, polite, sweet, and perfectly charming to literally everyone but me. 

Theory #3: The Babysitter wanted me to go and knew I would only say yes to The Pacifier. Honestly this seems unlikely because it makes no logistical sense. Even when The Pacifier was out of the plans, he could have suggested the rest of us go if that was his motivation all along. 

Theory #4: It’s a little of everything and there is no consistent motivational pattern in anything The Babysitter did, and by seeing everything through his lens and looking at what he’s doing, I’m just confusing myself. Is he like Donald Trump and just has no consistent strategy? Did he want to help The Pacifier out, help me out, and then also let his own interest get involved at times during this saga? Was he just mis-communicating stuff because he’s an idiot?

I don’t know anything, and I want to know everything. Especially about the last part of today. I want to know if he said “he doesn’t want to” because A) The Pacifier actually said that, B) he assumes it’s true because The Pacifier didn’t follow through last night, C) he was just saying it to help himself, or D) he had no real reason to say it at all and it was totally a throwaway comment. 

Auxiliary Theory: The Pacifier actually is interested and really is just super shy and really did just want to go home after work last night and really did feel bad and awkward today and chickened out for a while. Naturally I think this is the least likely scenario, but also the one I most want to be true. 😐 Would everything have been better/more clear if *I* had just not been a chicken, and opened my mouth, and asked The Pacifier what was up? 

I don’t know, but I’m exhausted.

POST SCRIPT: I GOT MY ANSWER/S. Totally by accident.

My phone doesn’t work in my apartment. Anything wifi does obvi but I can’t take calls. No network coverage. So I wander around outside. I’d been wandering on a business call for over an hour, not paying attention to anything around me. As I walk by the front entrance to zee restaurant, chatting away, guess who walks out. Yep. It was The Pacifier. I didn’t notice until the point where it would have been awkward if I turned around and said heyyyy so I kept walking but sort of lingered not far away, and then I turned around to start wandering back, and caught his eye, and we waved cordially. I did more talking, but stayed beyond where he sat down to eat his takeaway and wait for his ride or something, so that I’d have reason to walk by him again. I finished my call and put on my figurative big girl pants and went right over to sit next to him and get my fucking answer. It went like this.

313: “Heyyyy”

TP: “Hey!” *he didn’t seem alarmed and I was thus reassured*

“What’s up?”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. So, I have to ask you an awkward question.” I maintained my friendliest smile, I hope. He maintained his uncomfortable awkward one.

“Okay.”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you invite me to go out yesterday?” I said it kind of knowingly, and smiling, and while maintaining eye contact. He started to say something, but then said…

“Wait, say it again?”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you ask me to go to the casino or whatever you were doing?”

“He’s always doing that. He always tries. You know, all the girls. He enjoys it.” *more laughing and discomfort* The point being that The Babysitter is always harassing The Pacifier to ask girls out. I should have asked how many times he’s actually listened to him and done it. Anyway. 

“Yeah, I know. He’s a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah.” I think he kind of relaxed when he realized I wasn’t mad or about to cry or something.

“Okay, I’ll leave you be! Have a good night.”

“Good night!”

/scene

I feel much better now. Though I wish I had been like well if you ever DO *want* to hang out with me, I would like to hang out with you 😊 and I love casinos. Or something. Buuuut I didn’t. I also could have told him that he has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile and that I would like him to cast his beautiful eyes my way and be the reason he smiles, and make *him* coffee sometime. But I’m not Julia Roberts, or suicidal. Also, I have developed this burning desire to make him pancakes. I don’t even know if he likes pancakes. I should have asked him if he actually did want me to go out with them, but that woulda been weird, right? I also felt bad ambushing him on the sidewalk while he was eating. 

From now on, NO MORE BABYSITTER.