#(I have to take them before sleep... I'm not auto medicating or anything)

[fe-fictions]

I can't believe I have to post about this a second time in a year, but I have another sick kitty...

We lost our senior cat Henry in February, it was just time for him to go. He was a handsome and wonderful 14 years old, and had been with us since we were children.

And not long after we lost him, my sibling and I (we live together) decided the apartment was just too empty without him...we were missing the warmth and the joy that a sweet kitty cat brought with him.

So we each adopted our very own cats; a handsome long-haired 3 month old boy named Gojo, and a beautiful short-haired 5 month old girl named Luisa.

Luisa is my baby girl. She was born in September, the same month as me, and she's my whole world. But the last few days, she's been eating less, playing less, and getting more and more docile and lethargic.

I took her to the emergency vet today because she wasn't eating at all and was hiding since yesterday morning. He told me that she had an auto immune disorder, and was extremely anemic.

He gave me three options; try steroids and antibiotics, see if she responds to them, or they could hospitalize her and give her a blood transfusion, which was way, way too expensive...if I had the money I would've done it in a heartbeat, and it breaks my heart to think that I could've done more for her if I had a better job and could provide for my baby more. And the third option was to put her to sleep there, because her odds were slim.

I chose the option to get her medication, which was a quarter the cost of a hospitalization, and he assured me typically saw really good results, but that sometimes it would take a few days or a week or two before seeing improvement.

I gave her the first dose as soon as we got home, got her set up in my room, but she's still not eating, won't go to the bathroom, and I'm just really, really worried that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her, before she's even a year old.

I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. Twice in the same year, two of my sweet babies. I am not ready to do that again. It happened so fast. The shelter I got her at likely had no idea she was sick; she showed no signs of it until just a few days ago. I hate that she's so fragile, and that I can't do enough for her. It's just crushing.

I want to try and focus on the positive, and hope that she's gonna pull through in the next few days. I'm just so sad, because it wasn't that long ago I saw this behavior in a dying cat. I know what it looks like, I felt it, I could see it. And I'm not ready to do that again.

I was supposed to have at least ten years with this slinky little baby. I don't want to believe that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her. I won't know for at least a few days; but if she stops eating and she can't go to the bathroom, I don't know where to go from there.

I just wanted to vent, I wanted to let you all know that's what I'm dealing with right now. I hope you'll continue to have patience with me, and to those who commissioned art from me, I'm gonna work hard to get it done ASAP since it's already been a while, and I just need to do something to keep my mind off of what's going on right now.

But yeah. That's what's going on at this moment, and so if I sort of disappear for a little while or my posts go a while without anything, that's why.

Thanks for being so sweet, you guys are such a wonderful group of fellow FE enthusiasts and I love writing for you all. It's without a doubt the group of the friendliest and sweetest people I've ever run into; whenever awful things were going on, IRL or online, I would always come here because the drama or the stressful mess would never reach it; this place is my little safe haven haha

So thank you for being here, and thank you for listening and for your patience! I'll do everything I can to keep up.

- chiyo

[boredliondisorder]

I've been down for a while, and I don't really see myself improving. I'm waiting for the fog to lift, but it's really stubborn this time. I spend most of my time sleeping lately.

I think the worst hit was when I sent an inquiry to a voice actor with an offer that was way above the normal rate to record Shadecursed as an audiobook and he didn't respond. I dunno. It doesn't really seem like a long shot when the offer is far more than most audiobook narrators get paid, and it would have been nice to at least get a reply instead of crickets.

He was really the only person I wanted to do it, too. So I don't know if Shadecursed will ever be an audiobook at this point. I just can't hear someone else doing it, and hiring someone through some of the services out there is a complete crapshoot. Sometimes you get an amazing voice actor, but most of the time you get shit. And I just don't want to hire shit.

It's another case of people in my field just not taking me seriously. I don't know what I have to do to become valid. It seems like I've been trying my whole life, but I'm always fighting against a current. I'm tired. And I can't seem to pick myself up this time and keep trying.

I haven't really posted about this much, because I hate the attention I get just when I post that I'm down. I don't want that. I want something to change. I want to figure out what I've been doing wrong. I want people to want to work with me. To reach out and be like "hey, let's collab."

I'm happy for other people this works out for. But I want to know what they're doing that I'm not. What about me makes it so hard to connect with people?

I used to spend a couple days not feeling so great, then I'd pick myself up and try again. But I haven't done anything creative in a couple weeks, and I don't see myself improving. My book launch wasn't great, and I can't see the point in working on book 2 if that book's just going to fail, too. Why put the time in? Why bother for the 20 people who'll read it? And why bother if the narrator I want to do it won't even reply?

Why don't I get to be successful?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how much longer I'll last. I've had a lot of thoughts lately about painless ways to end my life. I actually have a medication that'll work really well. And there's the old standby of going out to stand in the cold until hypothermia sets in. This is just ideation. I haven't really gotten to the stage where I'm going to do anything, but I've really been considering it. In fact, I already have the auto-response email written because I don't plan on posting before I do anything this time.

There's too many people who only reach out when I'm feeling like shit, and they always talk me out of it. And then once they have me out of crisis, they vanish and I never hear from them again. So this time I'm just going to put the message in my email, maybe schedule a few posts, and then just fucking do it.

I need something to give. I need people to reach out. I need to know I mean something, or why is life even worth living? It's not. I can't see any value in it. And at this point, I really don't even want to try anymore.

[myhalloweendreams]

I guess is time to a heart to heart with the void... I need to spill it before I end up suffocatting

Well, I really like my job. I love to work with the decoration of cakes.

But the problem is that I’m so stressed rn. I feel that I’ll have an ulcer problem any moment. There’s plenty of reasons to stress me out I guess, what just burst the bubble and made as miserable as I’m rn was trying to talk with my boss this week, he basically not visualized any of my texts about payment(I sent a few other texts that he did visualized... until I talked about money) - I’m still trying to receive for last week, as in the one that ended with the month of November but I have been ignored and made a fool of. 

Let’s start from the beggining...My boss sucks at math, so hard. 

Bc of that he ended up paying me less that he should several weeks in a row, I was too shy and embarassed so it took me some time to muster the courage to tell him this. I showed him my math and he told me he would pay it, but it had to be little by little under the radar of his husband bc he would be super mad if knew about it - his husband is a super correct man, they also fight often for anything that my boss do wrong (even if is a small and silly thing) - and my boss wanted to avoid any fights, I was ok with it, I didn’t want to cause any problems to my boss or their relationship

His husband owns part of the business and by now helps him with the finances (he didnt before, but as I said my boss is really bad at math, he’s also very into spending uncontrollably), so it went like... when my boss received in money he gave me part of it to pay for what he own me. We not often receive anything in money, but I don’t really care about taking time to receive it (not a problem with that), there’s a few months by now and I still have to receive part of it.

Another problem my boss have is paying us in time, sometimes we go two weeks without receiving before we see any payment (we receive every week for the week before, in theory). He always ended up doing a full circus when he dont pay us, he says he already made the deposity several times, “it must have bounced back”, “Oh I was going to do, but I got distracted with *insert smt here* or wtv, there is always smt. He end up paying, but the stress of uncertainty and with the excuses being repeated over and over until it happens is super tiring, I wish he would just be direct and tells as it is. Tell me that you’re waiting receiving for something or that you’re busy and had no time (and do it in front of me instead of pretending u’re doing it but closing it before really doing it) or that you do have the money but you’ll need it to pay for the things we’ll need that week to do the cakes so you’ll have to delay the paying a little. It’s okay. I would understand any of it, but the full circus round around and game he makes is so stress indulcing, and we feel so bad for asking again... we keep bouncing to one another who will ask next about it. It must be stressing to him too.

okay, so I have been there done that a bunch of times, but he literally didnt open a single message I sent about it this week and he gave me the entire off, but he couldn’t tell me it directly, no,that would have been too easy I guess.

He told me I would only have to go from Thursday to saturday so he would tell his husband I worked and write off part of the debt - okay not a problem. 

Then Wednesday he told me that I should go from Friday and he would write off more of the debt - okaaaay I guess. I wish he had told me before so I wouldnt have stayed in home to avoid be too tired the next day at work (I work standing all day and I’m extra fat rn so I didn’t want to play with my luck) 

Friday I wake up extra early, I didn’t want to get there late. I did all I had to do to go to work, waited to be half hour before my time to be there and sent a text asking if I had to get there the same time as always or if he had changed the time (he do it often) he calls me (still not visualizing any of my messages bc it would mean he had seen the ones about the payment) “Gabi you dont have to come. You’re not working this week.”, “You wont come until I have paid all my debt to you”. - Are you fucking kidding me?! Like he could have told me it from the begging. Like duuuuude, I did nothing all week because I didn’t want to have a strain or sore muscle and I said no to go to see my friend because I would have to sleep there and I couldn’t bc I had to work in the morning. I could have resolved so many things that I didn’t because I was so scared to be too sore to work. I have to paint a few rooms in my house. I have to buy some heavy stuff that my mom could have paid and later I would pay her, but I would to have to get them to the house by foot and go all the stair flights with it bc there’s no elevator in my building... well I had to solve a bunch of things. And here he is playing around with me. He not only not visualized my texts, but he ignored my calls (I only spoke with him this week when he called me), and rn I have no money, I couldnt pay a bus fare if I needed one. I tried to talk with him, but he ignored me, I even went to his house and he didn’t answered the door... I’m not sure if he was there tho... but my coworker says that is obvious he was bc of all the windows open when we’re having rain almost every day at some point (we work at his house, I didnt just randomly went to his house liker that).

The thing is the week was super stressing, his atittude was super not okay and I’m so exhausted. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I dont have structure to deal with that dude. Man up and own your bullshit please. I’m too tired for this. I’m too depressed for this. And I’m definetly not that hard to talk with, just talk with me straight instead and let’s be cool about it. Don’t give me twenty different answers and watch me squirm like this. 

Boy I so dont have structure to adulting. 

I’m not prepared to the world.

I can’t deal with it... and by it I mean anything.

I’m just one drop away from get suicidal ... over work lol.

I’m completely drained.

I feel like garbage.

And I can’t even muster enough energy to eat or drink water like a normal person.

Seriously, does living really worth having to deal with things? all of them?