#(I had no headspace during the semester — constantly busy)

[shimyereh]

Done with my third semester of grad school!

[urdearestmom]

Lights, Sound, Screwdriver! | Chapter 6

A week after his chance dinner with the chief of police, Mike hadn't seen El again outside of school. They'd both been busy with other end of semester projects as well as work (she worked at the ice cream shop in town and he worked at The Hawk down the street), but they had made plans to meet again on Friday (which was today) to start putting their presentation together. They'd spent the week working on things separately, and now it was going to be time to put them together and make sure everything was okay. Then they would have a week and a half before the presentations were due to start to make sure everything was in place and ready to go.

During the week, Mike had had time to think about the things Hopper had said and El's reactions to them. Apparently, she talked about him at home all the time? That was a surprise. Mike had never thought he was interesting enough to be talked about, seeing as his own parents never really seemed to care about anything he was doing, much less someone outside his family. And on top of that, a girl? To her dad? Jeez.

And she'd blushed! He'd never seen her do that before. She had also glared at Hopper with a ferocity that scared Mike a little, hoping he'd never see that look directed at himself because he was pretty sure he'd be dead right after. It was the definition of if looks could kill.

Hopper had also said he was excited they were finally getting to know each other, which, what the fuck does that mean? Finally? Taken in conjunction with his previous statement, Hopper was making it sound like El had been wanting to know Mike for a long time, possibly years, which boggled his mind because how had he never noticed? He considered himself an observer, and not noticing something so groundbreaking was, to say the least, unusual.

What is going on? He was lying in his bed on Tuesday night when he allowed himself to come to the only conclusion that made sense, no matter how little faith he had in it. She must like me, or something. But how? He turned over and stared at the poster of The Dark Crystal he still had on his wall. What the hell is there about me to like? But then the giddiness took over, and the stupid smile on his face could not have been a good look for him.

It was on Wednesday morning that Michael Wheeler decided that he was going to take the plunge and ask the girl of his dreams (literally, because he had dreamed about her before) if she would like to go on a date.

So here he was, Friday afternoon after school in the library, sitting at a table near the windows and waiting on El to show up. And show up she did, a few minutes later, but looking like someone had just told her the worst news of her life. It instantly put a damper on his nervous excitement.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked, watching her slam her backpack onto the table across from him.

She glared at his books. "I think this fell out of your bag last week." Sitting down, she took a small notebook out of her bag and pushed it to his side of the table. "I had a fight with Max."

Taking it, he noticed that it was his D & D notebook, the one he'd spent the last few days turning his room and the basement upside down for. "Thanks," he said, sliding it into his bag. "Do you want to talk about it?"

El was silent for a few moments, and he was starting to freak out because he thought that maybe those were tears glittering in her eyes. "It's complicated."

Mike nodded. "Of course, you don't have to tell me. I was just asking." He was trying to keep calm. Everything he'd planned to say about the feelings he'd been sitting on for a while was immediately tossed out the window, concern for El taking over. What could be this bad? He'd never seen or even heard of El Hopper crying about anything.

She was El. She was a badass, and she was absolutely amazing. Not that crying would make her any less amazing, it just wasn't something he'd ever really considered her doing. He thought maybe it also wasn't a thing she herself ever considered doing.

Sometimes it just happened. He would know.

"It's just-" She started, taking a deep breath. "Her stepdad is an asshole and she needs to report him or something and I've told her to a million times but she doesn't listen! I'm just worried about her," she added in a whisper. "My stepdad was an asshole too."

Oh Jesus. That's what's bad. Mike reached across the table to grasp one of her hands. "Well, if you had a fight about it maybe she doesn't want to talk about it right now?" He wasn't going to say it because he didn't want to make El even more stressed out, but hearing about it now made him concerned for Max. He didn't know any of the details, but from El's reaction he could guess that Max's stepdad was not an asshole in the way his own father was (but much, much worse).

She sighed, dropping her head onto her bag. "I don't know what to do, I'm just trying to help but now she's mad at me and I'm afraid things'll get worse and she won't tell me if they do."

Understanding her point, he nodded, even though she couldn't see him. "Okay, but clearly she's not in the best headspace at the moment, so maybe let her cool off a bit before talking to her again?"

El didn't move, but he heard her mumble into the fabric. "You're probably right." She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

Mike didn't say anything for a few moments, waiting for her to make the next move. After about half a minute of silence, El sat up and pulled a binder from her bag.

"Let's get started, yeah?"

He nodded and they looked over their stuff, but the entire time they were working he could tell that she was miles away. He didn't know what she was thinking and he really wished he did because then he could say exactly the right thing to make her feel better. But people were complex, and of course the universe couldn't make it any fucking easier to understand them.

His mind wandered to Max a few times, wondering how she dealt with a shitty home life so well. Outwardly, she was just a regular girl making the most of her high school career, but now that he knew there was a lot more going on he realized that most of her outward personality was probably a front. He figured she'd be most herself when with El because they'd been friends, well, since El moved to Hawkins, but was she even herself with the boys around? Mike wondered if Lucas knew, but then remembered that it wasn't his business to ask.

And that brought him to another train of thought: Lucas, Dustin, and Max. Dustin very obviously had taken a liking to the redheaded member of their Party, but the girl in question didn't seem like she was interested in that way. However, besides El she was closest with Lucas. Mike wasn't sure if Lucas had lied to him when he'd asked about the nature of the other boy's relationship with her, and it seemed Dustin was insecure about the fact. Tensions had been high between the two recently, as Dustin was of course too awkward to talk to Max without being weird and Lucas was constantly ragging on him about it. It was making Mike and Will quite tired of them.

"Hey." El waved a hand in front of his face. "Earth to Mike? I need to get home, okay?"

He snapped out of his thoughts and started putting his stuff away. "Sorry! Did you want me to walk you?"

She shuffled her feet. "If you want to."

"Kind of funny neither of us has our bikes today, isn't it?" He asked, walking around the table.

El shrugged. "I guess."

She looked tired and like she needed a hug, so on their way to the door Mike ignored the bundle of nerves in his stomach and the little voice in his head telling him it was a bad idea and swung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"If you ever need anything, I'm here for you, okay?" He said.

"Thanks."

They were interrupted by a girl who looked like a freshman telling them that they made a very cute couple, which left Mike a blushing and stuttering mess of denial.

"It's fine, Mike, just leave it," El sighed. "Can we go, please?"

She didn't say much on the way to her house, only making the random comment on a passing car or the colour of someone's pants every few minutes, but Mike kept his arm around her the whole way, trying to offer some semblance of comfort. It was the one thing he'd always been good at, making people feel comfortable. He would always be open to someone in need.

He dropped her off at her front door with a squeeze. Stepping back, he watched her go inside. "I'll probably see you Monday, but if you need anything at all, call me and I'll be there, alright?"

El didn't say anything for a moment, and Mike took it as his cue to leave. He was only a few steps down the street when he heard the shout and turned around.

"Wait up!" El came running in his direction, coming to a stop and throwing her arms around him. She's hugging me, oh my god.

"Thanks again, Mike." She stood back. "You're really sweet," she added, a half-smile on her face, before leaning up and planting a swift kiss on his cheek. Holy lord almighty!

She ran back into her house and shut the door before he could say anything, but he was pretty sure she'd had enough time to see the stupid smile she'd caused. Mike walked all the way home with a hand to his cheek and an earsplitting grin. I am never washing my face again, God, do you hear me?!

It was only later that Mike considered that maybe the fact that it had been today that El had fought with Max was a sign from the universe, or something. Maybe something was trying to tell him now was not the time to ask her out, maybe never was the time.

The more he thought about it, the more insecure he felt. Friends hugged each other, right? And friends kissed each other's cheeks. It wasn't like she'd done anything to him that she wouldn't have done with any of the other boys. In fact, Mike had noticed that El seemed to click really well with Will. The two were usually the quietest out of the bunch, although Will was overall more of a peacekeeper and El could be a firecracker when she wanted to be.

Maybe she likes Will. Fuck, maybe she does! He turned over to the window side of his bed, staring at the wall of science fair trophies and certificates of accomplishment on the other side of the room. He'd be a better boyfriend than me, that's for sure. I should probably stop… whatever I'm even doing. "Jesus," he sighed, closing his eyes. His heart hurt. I am so screwed.

[academla]

Update

Hey guys! Thought I would post a new update. For new followers, if you exist, I’m mostly inactive here, but I will periodically post comprehensive updates on various areas of my life (academics, money, mental health, etc.). Guys, my life has been CRAZY busy!

Academic

I’m taking five courses, three on campus and two online. So far, I’ve been maintaining A’s, but my honors ethics seminar is going to be the death of me, I swear. The amount of reading, higher-level thinking, and work for that class is the most intense I’ve experienced. In a way it’s good, because it’s the first time I’ve been seriously challenged in an enjoyable and productive way (statistics does not count, because that professor was awful). Deep down I enjoy it, even though it’s buried under layers of saltiness and resentment of all these philosophers for writing such damn long essays.

My current courses are:

Abnormal Psychology

Classics of Children’s Literature

Honors Ethics & Society

Child Psychology (online)

History of World Civilizations Before 1500 (online)

I’ve been right up to the deadlines in all of these classes (if you keep reading, you’ll get an earful of my schedule) but so far managing the stress and workload reasonably well. I enjoy some stress, honestly. I like when things are fast-paced.

I also met with my advisor today. Great news: I only have four more courses and one 1-credit seminar left to take next semester before I can get my Associate’s. The classes I have signed up for are:

Psychology of Personality

Research Methods

General Biology (online and on-campus lab)

History of World Civilizations After 1500 (online)

Interdisciplinary Weekend (not sure what the topic is yet)

The end is slightly in sight. I can’t believe I’m almost 3/4 of the way to my first degree! So exciting. Which brings me to my next topic...

College

My default is UMass Amherst. I’m in the Commonwealth Honors College, and the community college to state school process is basically a smooth transition with guaranteed acceptance. Additionally, there are a lot of research opportunities, labs, etc. which is good for me being a psych major interested in research.

However, I’d still like to potentially try for a private school. I probably won’t get the money I need, but hey, it never hurt to try. In 2015, I got into Simmons College and fell in love with it. I got the highest merit scholarship possible, but we couldn’t afford it. I’d still like to apply there again, on the off chance that I could get the money I need.

I’ve also been in contact with people at Northeastern. I hadn’t considered it until I went to a transfer fair at my community college. They have a neat co-op program and are in the city, which is nice.

I was waitlisted at Brandeis in 2015, and I’m waiting to talk to people from there as well, because I might consider looking into that. My intro and abnormal psych professor suggested Wellesley. It looks quite competitive, though one advisor I met with said she thought I could get in with my transcript... but I don’t know. It honestly all boils down to money. If anyone is familiar with Massachusetts schools, please feel free to email me academlastudyblr@gmail.com with your weigh-ins and suggestions, or any contacts that you think could help advise me in this process. I’d appreciate it for sure!

Work

Ah, good old work. Well. We know I’m struggling all day every day financially. Luckily, I’ve been making about $50 per month with school and life costs. Which is better than just losing money all month.

I’m currently working two jobs. I work at the preschool full days (8-6) on Fridays, and I’ve started working mornings when I can as well, especially since we’ve lost 5 teachers there in the past month and they really need me. I’m a writing peer tutor so I tutor 2-4 Monday through Wednesday. Additionally, I’m starting an unpaid internship which will be Wednesday mornings. Altogether, my schedule is cram-jammed full of work, and I’m constantly moving around, but I don’t mind it. It’s exhausting, absolutely, but... well, it’s money. I need it. I also babysit on weekends when I can. And do school on top of that.

It sounds like a lot, I guess. It doesn’t feel like too much though. I mean, it does, but like I said, I’m managing. I’m also repeating myself. I’ve been trying to sleep as much as I can, and I’ve been doing a relatively good job, all things considered.

Mental health

I’ve had a couple breakdowns, but that’s it, this semester. One was an intense anxiety attack brought on by a pop quiz announcement (come to find out my professor never gave the quiz, and it wasn’t really a ‘quiz,’ it was optional) and the other was triggered by a presentation on eating disorders and the ED unit in abnormal psych. I persevered.

With the anxiety attack, my professor told me that I didn’t need to worry about class and I was doing well (ha! This is that hellish ethics seminar. I’m dying) and I was able to move on from that. With the ED stuff...

It’s still been hard. In times of stress, the ED voice comes back. I have been eating, because I need food to fuel my busy days, and I’d rather be nourished and not look the way I want but be successful than fall back into a trap in which I’m miserable, unhealthy, and would eventually end up in the hospital again, which is totally counterintuitive to my academic endeavors.

The presentation was particularly triggering, and there were a lot of tears. I skipped the next class with permission, because it was going to be a continued lecture on EDs. I emailed my prof helplessly because I tried to study the ED chapter and just fell apart.

But I rallied, somehow, and I managed to get through it all, kick ass at overcoming my triggers and ED voice, and ace the test. That’s a victory! I am getting stronger every day, even though I struggle.

Social

There have been boys here and there, like glimmers of potential which quickly faded, but my love life is as always nonexistent. As if I would have time to date now anyway.

I’ve got friends and nobody seems to be particularly hostile towards me in my classes. I rarely hang out. My socializing usually primarily involves homework, studying, and food.

I’ve only just returned to Snapchat, so hit me up edye327. Anyway, obviously I’ve been inactive here, and it’s oddly nice.

For awhile, this was my life. I had nothing else to take up my headspace, so toxic dramas with internet people did. Now, I could care less about online dramas and people and stress. Ain’t nobody got time for those hijinks when I’m working my ass off in real time and real life for real money and real ambitions!

Financial

This has already basically been covered, but yeah, doing okay financially. Not losing money, which is really the best I could hope for. I’m relying on full time work during the winter to boost my bank account some more.

I rarely pleasure shop. My money goes towards:

School payments

Food

Medical copays

Exciting things like shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, etc.

Freecycle has been fantastic! I’ve gotten so much awesome free stuff there and probably saved like $100 by now. I asked for correction tape, and ended up getting like 10 of them plus a set of highlighters the woman kindly threw in.

I’m trying to declutter, and I sold one of my calculators online, which was incredibly helpful money-wise. I’m ransacking my room slowly but surely to try and give away or sell items. Like I said, my Zazzle shop is pretty meager income (I need $50 to even get paid; I have made $25 in the past over a year lol) but like I also said, every penny counts. Eventually I’ll hit the threshold, hopefully.

If you read all the way through to the end, send me a photo or screenshot on the Snapchat of this post ;) or reply to this with your favorite kind of candy. Or just like it, or reblog it, or do absolutely nothing.

Thanks for all your support. Hope my update has been somewhat inspiring or at least remotely interesting to you!

Love, Edye