#(I do mean like other lgbtq people tbc)

[bijoumikhawal]

also it really is shit how several popular bloggers were like. Horribly bigoted towards ace people when it was cool, but once it stopped being trendy they 1) deleted those posts so receipts couldn't be pulled 2) maybe put up claimed "redactions" or said "omg its been years if you really wanna know wether i still hate those people dm me" but never apologized for their behavior lmao. I don't think any of the people who did that actually changed, I just think they know it's not such an acceptable/fun target to bully anymore. It's really sick how that type of bullying was encouraged for years and how few people repented for their behavior.

[makduf]

I just needed to write it down, you can keep scrolling, it's nothing.

At days like this I usually think if I'm dreaming or if my life is real.

After graduation I decided to move into completely different city, almost 5hrs away by train from my hometown. Far away from family and anyone I would know. I started studying Czech and at my first year there was only 10 students.

At my 2nd year I became a head of student's council at my department. I used to feel powerful, I was going to these important meetings and absolutely screwing up my studies. It was the beginning of my panic problems. More more and more responsibilities, every day in my calendar looked like nightmare - I didn't realized it then, I know it now. From 8am to 8pm at university and then from 8pm to 12pm work at call center. I wanted to be on my own, little take off from my parents shoulders.

Panic attacks keep coming and sometimes I barely know what's going on and where am I. I kept failing exams, missing meetings, my work was exhausting me emotionally - almost every customer was yelling at me, insulting me just because they want to.

Between I kind of was dating with my very first boyfriend. I didn't know he would be interested in someone like me. He was handsome - that kind of guy which probably would have any other girl. I met him at one of the student's council meetings. We occasionally started talking and I realized that his whole image was a fasade, he actually was kind of shy and nerdy. We were a couple (well. kind of, it was just two weirdos hanging out around sometimes and lot's of texting). But eventually he started to be abusive, started to shout at me without any reason and then trying to make it up, saying sorry and it was the last time blah blah. Of course it's just got worse and worse. My panic attacks came back with double strength.

It was a time when I had a friend from my hometown. We were talking on the phone every few days. She knew that something's not right and one day just came to visit me. She came all across country just to check if I'm okay.

I clearly wasn't. We talked all night and she help me with making big decisions. First of all: I broke up with the guy. It was a disaster but I knew I needed it. I needed to be calm, to have big calm ocean in my heart instead of a big fucking storm ready to ruin everything.

She stayed few days but finally she had to come back to her place and once again I felt so lonely.

It wasn't easy but I did it. I wasn't proud of myself but somehow I did it (with great help of my fellow students) I graduated to 3rd year and decided to give up at student council. Also I finally moved into another apartment. I was living in big one at the old part of the city where one of the roommates was a son of the owner. He never did anything at the house, not even cleaning his own dishes. Place was cheap but I felt trapped. Luckily I got to rent a really small room in completely different part of town.

I knew I will need extra money so I decided to stay at call center. Unfortunately my panic attacks went really bad and I decided to go home for summer break. I didn't said anything to coworkers, only my boss knew. I just disappeared, I needed a big break for myself.

In the meantime I decided to give a last chance to scouting (I was deeply committed when I was living in my hometown). I went for a jamboree, a meeting for scouts mostly from Europe. One of the workshops was about LGBTQ+ and discovering themselves. It was a really open-minded place when everyone was just helpful, there was always a hot tea, books and brochures about coming out.

And then I realized. I'm a lesbian. Don't get me wrong, I just never thought about it but my whole childhood and everything after that became clear. I always felt little different, I was fascinated by other womens but always felt like I just admired them cause they're super cool. I even thought that they're pretty but you know. I never had anyone who would just open this door in front of me. And at that workshops I met other people with who I could talk. They showed me it's okay (to be gay, nanana) and I don't need to be worried. Until now I'm super grateful to them. They basically changed my whole life with small gestures of kindness.

With the end of summer, I came back to big city and to work. With my new discovered sexuality and panic attacks I was keep saying to myself that all I had to do is stay fucking calm like a big ocean, I had to have a big, calm ocean, nothing more. I didn't expected from myself to be the best. Everything was okay, customers was a little less pain in the ass than usual. University got started and I realized that someone's trying to make friends at work. And by someone I mean a girl.

At first she started to sit near my desk and sometimes asking if I need anything from the nearby shop or kitchen. She was smoking at that time so she often went down for few minutes.

We eventually started talking, beginning from some basic stuff, then sharing some fav songs at night shifts. But beside work we didn't had a contact. We usually tried to pick closest desks and I realized that maybe maybe I'm a little into her. I was charmed by her knowledge, she was impressing me at almost every field. I was considering myself as a person who knows a little about everything - I'm just a curious one. But she knew the answers almost to every question I have.

We became couple and in this year we'll have our 4th anniversary.

TBC.

[posi-pan]

The fact that there's no Pansexual Alliance or Pansexual Council that decides the Universal Pan Rules seem to be lost on so many people, same with being Bi. Sometimes, you'll meet a Bi person who has a similar or even the same idea of their identity as a Pan person, and that's confusing, but also PERFECTLY OK because we're kind of just.... working through everything and finding what makes us happiest. (TBC)

I've met bi people who say "I'm attracted to 2 genders --- but not just limited to cis fem and cis male" and other bi ppl who say "I'm attracted to all genders". I've met pan people who say "I'm attracted to all genders" and others who say "I'm genderblind / don't care what gender someone is when I fall in love". And that's not universal. We don't have an LGBTQ+ pope who tells us what to do. We just learn definitions and evolve as we go along and we're not all the same. And that's okay.

yepp! I don’t know why people seem to think that all pan people share the same thoughts and feelings and experiences. and same for bi people. it’s really not that easy or clear cut.

(although, I do think terms like “gender-blind” shouldn’t be used at all, what they mean to convey is fine, but what they actually do, not so much.)

[bi-leigh-bi]

I am screaming right along with you. I am beginning to think this was deliberate on the writers part. I want to rewatch every single Malec season 1 and 2A scene. Malec emotional connection was focused on first then they started a very tentative relationship but tender, then 2B they love each other, and so close intimately. Do you think some things were done purposely so that they stood out from other couples? It seems like it. Malec is always written to be above jealousy, love triangles etc. tbc

I am not making sense. Sorry. Other couples (Climon/Clace etc) rushed into sleeping with each other and there was immature actions, jealousy etc. I know fans were pissed because 2x07 wasn't handled with care but there is 2x18 with flashbacks and I know everyone is the writers fixed things, and they did I applaud them but some things just look so blatant the way the build up started between them. The writers (and actors) had to know there would be backlash with an LGBT/Interracial pairing.

I am... okay so. Here’s what I think about how and when and why. 

I’m of two different minds in regards to s1 and s2. 

I think they were tentative with Magnus and Alec in s1 because they were feeling out the audience in a lot of ways. Would book fans overwhelm any new fans? Would malec be a big draw or something that would be in the background? Etc. So I think they laid a great groundwork. I think they had scenes that got written and maybe even filmed that got cut. I think they had an idea of what happened in the moments we didn’t see and I think they had an idea of where they were going with it. I also really don’t think they were sure they’d get a s2. So I’m not inclined to think they were saying to themselves “we won’t show these scenes because they’ll have an emotional impact if we see them in s2″. I think they were just hoping we would see where they were going with them.

I know people have issues with s1 malec but I really don’t. I wanted to see every moment they were together, yes, but I didn’t feel particularly cheated with two notable exceptions. One of those being the night they were together in 1x6. The other being whatever went on when they went to check the perimeter at Camille’s and came back captured. 

Over all I do think they always intended for us to see Alec and Magnus connecting on a deeper level. Their scenes in the beginning are somehow physically intimate even while not physical. We talk often about how Magnus never once touched Alec without his permission. And I think that’s important to malec’s growth and integrity, not because LGBTQ couples need to be pure or any such nonsense but because it fit who they are as characters. Even without the scene we knew that 1x6 changed a lot for Alec and for his and Magnus’ relationship. The fact that he talks so openly about what his family expects and what he wants is proof. All of it is a much more open Alec than we ever saw before.

I had no real issue with their growth in s2, I was in love with it to be honest. Until 2x7. And I can’t possibly think that they intended to do what they did. I think it was an error in judgment on everyone’s part. The fact that Matt did a live chat the very next day and essentially said that they had filmed more of that scene and he was sad to see it cut, is literally telling. Not to mention there are the continuity issues like Magnus having a coat on. Those scenes weren’t filmed and saved to be used. There wasn’t a plan to flashback to their first time.

I’m much more inclined to believe that the backlash- which was deserved- was actually heard and they adjusted their 2b writing with that in mind. I mean we’ll never really know, I know Todd- I think it was Todd or was it Darren?- tried to imply it was all purposeful, but... I side eye that implication. I don’t believe it. 

What they did do, and this was clever and wonderful, is give us flashbacks that truly tied together malec’s entire journey so far. And also fixed the massive misstep of 2x7. They gave us a scene wherein they had spent an entire night together. Drinking, talking, and finally fell asleep together, though physically separate. They literally say that for some reason they find it easy to trust one another, two people who are not inclined to trust. And then they showed us their first time, which was beautiful and sweet and fucking legit joyful. And the morning after. And every single flashback tied all of their relationship together. So that now, watching s1, you can see it. It’s a clear path, one I do believe existed even if only on the white board in a writers room. And I’ll give them all the credit in the world for finding a way to do that that didn’t feel like fan service or out of character or out of nowhere.

But over all I love that malec is entirely different from all the other ships. It’s absolutely an adult and healthy ship. Their fights are things interracial couples face, something people coming from two different worlds face. And now this big one, this taking a break they’re doing, is poignant and painful and bittersweet. It’s not jealousy or biphobia or a love triangle or thinking they’re siblings (jfc that I’m even writing that). It’s just the world they live in, the circumstances of their even ever meeting, what and who they are, forcing them to step away from their relationship. It’s fucking beautiful. The writers, I feel like, have really done well in listening to the actual concerns of their (lgbtq and non white) fans and not the inane whining that always comes with a tv show and a popular ship.