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valentine-cafe · 5 months ago

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. ˚◞♡ 𝒗𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔 𝒗𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒙 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓 ꒰ 𝒗𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒖 ꒱◞ ₊˚

⊹ ۪ ࣪ ᥫ᭡ VAMPIRE LEGENDARIUM : a journal comprised of all the vampire lore you'll need to know for this au! ” ꒱

. ˚◞꒰ 🍰 𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒎'𝒔 𝒗𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒖 ꒱

𖹭. synopsis : a world where mysterious, terrible creatures of the night rule over the land from the shadows. mere myth to most yet reality to others, it seems that the latter might become more apparent as there is an uproar in the vampire royal court. this victorian esque story follows the lives of the vampire court, the internal divide between kings, the struggle of scientists fighting for humanity… and the war between creatures of twilight and the divine hunters that vow to eradicate them.

. ˚◞ ꒰ 🍡 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔 ꒱

𖹭. be sure to take a look at the character sheet after this to get to know some of the characters in this au

𖹭. various species other than vampires are included in this au, such as vampire hunters and enchanters

𖹭. while it is a victorian-like setting, it is not to be matched with the real-world time

𖹭. this is a very dark au and there will be various topics such as, but not limited to: violence, character death, manipulation, all sorts of torment and so on.

𖹭. variants are included in the world as it is not uncommon to come across a doppelganger of yourself with a different life

𖹭. there will be characters that you have not been introduced to as of yet. which is why we provide the blurps below along with face claims. there will also be some relationships that you have seen as of yet

𖹭. you may request for characters. with your own scenarios or a prompt from the following prompt page

You step through a dusty, dim lab. Strewn in blotched parchment, painted with crimson soaked into the carpet and wooden desk.

Minding the shattered test beakers and other scientific apparatuses, you find your way to the table that lay across the dishevelled room. A half-melted candle lies abandoned on the side and you strike a match to alleviate the strain on your vision.

Before you lay an open book. Droplets of that same crimson staining the worn-out parchment, coupled with hasty ink on the last pages. You brush the paper, feeling a sense of dignity almost emanating from them as you page to the front. Diagrams, sketches, essays and descriptions - whoever wrote this took great care and observation. You felt their life's work between your very fingertips, their pride and joy.

You read over the title, The Vampire Legendarium, before slipping into the seat and reading the elegant handwriting.

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Entry 0.1

Many think me insane for this research and its findings.

Many call me a lunatic, a crazed fool.

However, I have seen it with my own eyes, what these. . . night demons are capable of. Beings of enhanced speed and strength. A terrifying intellect like no other. They stalk the twilight, but I believe that some may even walk the day. Exceptional hunters by nature, they seek only one goal throughout their frightening existence.

An unrelenting, unquenchable, borderline sadistic craving for human blood.

Perhaps I have lost my sanity whilst documenting what I can, but I only ask that you humour my insanity for but a moment, as I take you into the world:

Of the Vampire.

Entry 1.

To start my research, I scoured various myths and legends. There had to be some sort of explanation as to why these beings walk among us.

Many tales were found, but there was an occurring story that seemed to stand out amongst the rest. A tale of the sun goddess and the moon god. I will try my best to form a cohesive briefing of this story, as in order to understand one's present standing, you must first dissect their history.

At the onset of creation, the sun blessed humans faithful to her with divine prosperity. This ancient race of humans grew to be more advanced than what we have today, in body, mind and spirituality. Records do not name these humans, so it is up to me to name this race,

Aurora; the divine.

Blessed by the sun herself, their splendour reigned throughout the land. The Aurora adored their goddess and made it so that others conformed to her worship as well. The tree of Aurelian became their item of praise, their symbol of loyalty and the essence of their greatness. For whoever ate the fruit and drank its wine was sanctified.

Yet for all their otherworldly knowledge and excellency, they fell victim to the same fate that most mortals do: the folly of man.

Greedy to conquer even death itself, they too went into the field of science and alchemy. Some even branched out, extending to the opposite spectrum. The tree of Pearl on the opposite end of the vast land, the essence of the moon god.

And from that tree, coupled with rituals and blood sacrifices, came a result that no man could ever perceive as something divine or holy. . .

Luminar - or as we know:

Vampires.

Better in every way were these creatures. Different too. And for a time, they were even praised. Exalted. Though something was off about these creatures: they served the moon. Praised and worshipped it. An act that was considered evil amongst the Aurora. Hypocrites.

But the final straw was when the Aurora came to learn that there was a price for immortality. For when these creatures grew hungry, mortal food was not enough to satisfy them.

The land was painted red, and there was nothing to be done.

How can one kill the unkillable?

In their desperation to destroy the object of their own greed, they formed what would come to be known as the Apricity.

An elite of hunters tasked with purifying the world of the evil that they created.

I believe that they exist even to this day. With that being said, it is evident that they have not succeeded in their goal. As Vampires still dwell in these cursed lands.

Intricate. That was the only way you could describe these accounts. Your page slides down the width of the sewn-together book and you decide to continue.

Paging through the old parchment, you scan different headings that caught your eye. Detailed, flawless. You might have even considered this to be the handiwork of the aforementioned Aurora. If this was not divine intellect, then what was?

Entry 2. — Hierarchy

It has been about a month or so when I last wrote in here. The task of tearing through every piece of information on the history of the world as we know it is quite tedious indeed. Who would have thought?

I have dug through all sorts of scrolls. Visited every library I could find when wandering. Spoken to beings I never knew existed. And the information that I have collected has brought me to frightening new discoveries.

Like that of men, there is royalty amongst vampires. Yet unlike us mortals with their vast rulers - creatures of the night only have four.

While I could not find detailed information, I have comprised a list of what I could piece together:

King Abyss: a vampire king who rules over the North. They say that he is known for his vast manipulation and treating humans as though they were cattle. His palace is said to always be covered in snow.

Queen Frost: a vampire queen who rules over the South. Tales of her spin from her intelligence and cunning tactics that got her to where she is. She is considered to be heartless. And her halls empty safe for evident aura of death.

King Carmine: a vampire king who rules the East. Known for his insatiable bloodlust. Sources told me that he is considered to be the most insane of the four. The most vicious and vile too. with his lands always painted red.

King Nocturne: a vampire king who rules the West. Considered ever-wise. Yet there was much fear when speaking of this one in particular. Like the mere breath of his name would summon him from the depths. Despite his serenity noted by some, most say that he is merciless. with an ever-burning hate towards humans. Calmly sadistic nature. Although perhaps the most frightening thing about this one in particular. . . is that everyone referred to him as the first vampire.

Each kingdom is said to have their own quirk depending on the one who rules it. But, much like in any culture, the notion of royalty is held with great respect. It is considered a death wish and a straight trip to the pits should you cross these four. . . Or their descendants.

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Entry 3. — Anatomy & Function

While more popular tales and stories depict these beings as walking corpses, my findings show that it could not be further from the truth.

They bleed like man, some cases of house invasion and disguise note that they even eat and sleep much like us humans.

The notion of vampires sleeping in coffins and holding no reflection are plain inaccurate. While they are vastly different to us, their similarities are what allows them to blend in with the average human.

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Entry 3.1 — Bodily Function

With the previous statements above, I would like to note that while they might have the capability of blending in with humans, their abilities are far from what anyone would consider humane.

While I cannot detail the extent of these extremities, the following is a general outline of the known vampire abilities:

enhanced speed, strength and agility

advanced senses, including a sixth sense

night vision

amplified cell replication, results in a healing factor

Note: it is to be speculated that these advanced qualities of human function are not the only noteworthy abilities. These creatures obtain various mythical-based capabilities. Otherworldly and stemmed from magic.

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Entry 3.5 — Appearance

A common misconception is that vampires are ghostly pale and as such, this is their identifiable characteristic. As stated in my previous entries, vampires walk among us. While it might be virtually impossible to decipher a vampire in disguise, there are a few general characteristics when they are not fooling the human eye.

taller height

crimson eyes a few hours after feeding ( they seem to mask this )

slitted pupils ( see above )

large frontal fangs ( addition from entry 6: different shapes for different species )

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Entry 4. — Diet

One of the few conceptions that remain apparent would be the vampire’s diet of human blood. While I do not have enough information regarding the amounts and the duration between feeding periods, my observations show that vampires go through some sort of. . . bloodlust.

The variables of this remain unknown.

Addition from entry 7: studies indicate that the different ranks have a play in the duration between feedings. Purebloods last the longest without blood whilst Halfbloods have the less desirable hunger habits.

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Entry 7. — Ranking

Quite the interesting discovery has been made, with the aid of my friend.

It appears that vampires have their own ranking system, although I would also classify it as a range of subspecies. There are two main tiers of vampirism:

Purebloods and Halfbloods.

The former are born vampires, whilst the latter is a result of a human being turned.

There is a clear distinction between these rankings, most likely in correlation to their strengths, weaknesses and diet.

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Entry 7.1 — Subcategories

In my previous entry I concluded that there are different tiers of vampirism. Today I write that upon further investigation, I have discovered that there is a third category.

In regards to Halfblood vampires, they divide one more time into two other sections: High-Rank Halfbloods and Low-Rank Halfbloods.

The first is a result of a human turned into a vampire by a Pureblood, whilst the latter is created when a High-Ranked Halfblood turns a human.

This brings the official ranking, from strongest to weakest, to:

Purebloods

High-Rank Halfbloods

Low-Rank Halfbloods

Taking the previous entry’s findings into consideration, I can safely conclude that there must be a reduced number of High-Rank Halfbloods, if the ones that turn them have gone extinct.

Note: it would seem that a vampire can turn any species into their own. . . how monstrous.

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Entry 11. — Weaknesses

Once again we find that the tales passed down along generations are not entirely true. A common denominator would be garlic, silver or sunlight. However, it is far more complex than what many have come to believe.

My findings have concluded the following results as accurate weaknesses of vampires:

sunlight

gold

wild roses

Further investigations will have to be conducted in order to devise the extent and conditions of these weaknesses. What one can assume is that they have a direct correlation with the rank of vampirism.

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Entry 11.1 — Sunlight

The notion of vampires burning to death in the sun seems to only be half-true. As I have stated countless times, these creatures of the night do walk amongst us. Including throughout the day.

While this was a mind-boggling investigation for the most part, I believe that I have found the answer.

Pureblood are known as daywalkers. They are not affected by the light of the sun.

High Halfbloods tend to only have their eyesight mildly affected by sunlight.

Lower Halfbloods are the ones who can be burned alive is they remain in the sun for prolonged hours. They develop awful sores on their flesh. It is why they avoid the sun like the plague — which could be where this tale originated from.

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Entry 11.2 — Gold

While I have already ruled out the weakness of silver, I was just as surprised to discover that the true weakness of vampires is gold.

It seems that the myth of a silver stake torn through a vampire’s heart immediately killing them is in fact still applicable to gold.

However, the condition of this is that the stake must consist of pure gold. Alloys tend to not do much damage, let alone be considered fatal.

Gold dust may also be utilised to burn the flesh of these creatures.

As the same with the former entry, gold does not so much as tickle a pureblood. Depending on their age and lineage, I assume it could cause a bit of pain. But none that is fatal.

Entry 7.3 — Wild Roses

If the discovery of gold as a weakness stunned me, then I must say that the notion of one of my companion’s favourite flowers being detrimental to vampires left me speechless.

When roses make contact with a vampire’s skin, particularly the petals, it burns through their flesh.

While not entirely lethal, it is still enough to deter most vampires due to the sheer intensity of the pain that sears into them.

One might speculate that this extends to the essence of roses. Such as rose water, rose-based perfumes and other products.

To no surprise of mine. Purebloods are not affected by a rose and all its essence.

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Entry 12. — Strengths

Now that I have uncovered the weaknesses, the next course of action would be to investigate the opposite end of the spectrum.

I urge you to freshen up your knowledge of the named strengths that I have listed in entry 3.1, for this section will focus purely on the aforementioned ‘magic-based strengths’. Or rather, supernatural powers.

The following will be explored in depth in upcoming entries:

telepathy

magic and enchantment

healing saliva

telepathy

paralytic venom

predator instinct

illusions

manipulation and persuasion.

There are far more, of course. These investigations require further observation. As I am sure you might assume, that will be far from an easy task.

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Entry 17. — The Turning Process

Going into this, I assumed that I would not bear witness to such a. . . horrific act, but I suppose that I should not have expected anything less from these night demons.

The process of turning a human into a vampire is far more complicated than a simple bite to the neck.

While this part of my investigation was rather gruelling and. . . nauseating, I have managed to comprise a list of the accurate steps in turning a human into a vampire:

the human must be drained of most of their blood

the human must be bitten and injected with ‘vampire venom’

the human must consume the vampire’s blood

the vampire must then. . . kill the human, who will awake as a Halfblood vampire after a day or so

From what I have gathered, the venom induces agonising effects and excruciating pain on the body once injected.

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Entry 20. — Moon Phases

After growing rather curious regarding vampires’ connection with the moon, I decided to dig further into their relationship with the celestial body.

My discoveries uncovered the following: during a new moon, a vampire is at its weakest — regardless of its ranking. ( Save for purebloods, who only seem to grow a bit weaker. But as Alessio says - anything is better than nothing, right? )

However, there is a flip-side to this as well.

During a full moon, the opposite occurs. Yet in a far more drastic way. Not only do they grow stronger, but their already insatiable bloodlust grows worse.

Super moons such as blue moons and blood moons must drive them absolutely insane. . .

This reflection of the moon pattern on their behaviour could help counter their attacks if followed with great consideration.

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Entry 26. — Hunters

To garner more information on the creatures of the night, I concluded that one might find out more from those who are possibly in contact with them the most — and live to tell the tale.

I could not uncover much about vampire hunters, but the little knowledge that I have obtained has quite piqued my interest. ( Thank you, Alessio )

As stated in Entry 1, vampire hunters were a result of the Aurora seeking to eradicate the world of their own failure. From them stemmed Apricity. An elite group of hunters who took an oath to finish the task — by whatever means necessary.

Some of the more ancient and experienced hunters can be identified by their. . . unique gold markings. While at first I insinuated that this was a result of gold-dust mixed into tattooing ink, I soon discovered that it is far more. . . unhinged, than that.

Considering that these hunters are Aurora, they obtain an increased bodily function. Enhanced speed, strength, agility and endurance. While they are mortal, some live to be hundreds of years old — depending on their meditation practices.

Upon obtaining injuries, particularly during their training years, hunters clean the wound before filling it with gold. To serve not only as a reminder of the cause or their loyalty to the sun, but to create a sort of built-in armour into their own bodies. Seeing as vampires cannot touch gold.

Suddenly the markings on Alessio almost make me nauseous. . . almost. They are oddly beautiful, in their own way. Especially against his olive skin. . .

Yet the most intriguing factor about them, in my opinion, must be a phrase that they use. A motto.

‘Day will come again.’

Beautiful, is the only way I can bring myself to describe it. Not only as a reaffirmation of their loyalty, but as a foil to those creatures of the night.

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Entry 30. —

I write this entry in haste.

While I have previously disregarded the weakness of Pureblood vampires, recent incidents leave me anxious and I must note down what I have discovered.

Purebloods are the nightmares that you think them to be. All known vampire weaknesses do not affect them. Roses, sunlight, gold, none of it!

They are stronger, smarter, and all the more dangerous. Their bloodlust knows no bounds, and from what I have uncovered — they were even considered royalty.

I do not have much time.

Purebloods can be killed only ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

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Scribbles.

Scribbles and blood splatters.

That is all that is left of the scientist’s writing. As though the scene itself told you a story — and suddenly, the cluttered state of the room made sense.

Closing the book, you lift it into your hands. You would not let this work be done in vain. You felt as though you owed it to this mystery writer. Determination swells within you and you make a move to leave at last.

Well,

That was until a creak in the floor echoes from behind you.

𖹭. next up: characters | prompt page

#⊹ ۪ ࣪ ᥫ᭡ the specials — vampire au ꒱#monster fucker #monster boyfriend #vampire x reader #terato #teratophillia #monster x reader #x reader #reader insert #oc x reader #original character x reader #vampire oc #monster oc #asterism vampire au #asterism

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bitsandbobsandstuff · 6 years ago

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The (not naked) pin-up calendar

Summary: When you ask for a favor, Bucky (very) grudgingly agrees. What can you do to thank him? Return the favor, of course.

Characters: Bucky x Reader; a plethora of Avengers Warnings: Hardcore fluff. Soldiers wrestling like immature children. Steve being weirded out by nut sacks. Harry Potter references. A hint of naughty times at the end.

A/N: This is silly and fun and what can I say, writing sassy Bucky makes me happy. This is for @beckzorz 1k Writing Challenge (go follow this incredibly talented, beautiful lady), and my prompt was ‘Pin-up calendar’. Thanks a million for hosting Becca, I love you 3000! ♥️

Want to find all my stories? Search #bitsmasterlist or try the link in my bio!

*****

Overnight, the list gets tacked on the corkboard in the kitchen.

Bucky’s rummaging through the pantry, searching for his breakfast Doritos and a jar of salsa to dunk them in, when he glimpses his name from a distance. Snatching up a butter knife, he wanders over to the wall. When he sees the list header, he whirls around in a flurry of tangled hair and irrational grumpiness.

“What the hell is this?”

Bucky complaining first thing in the morning is par for the course, so both Sam and Steve, strolling in to search for breakfast, ignore him. Sam veers toward the sugary cereal cabinet, Steve heads for the oversize Ironman container housing granola, and Bucky stomps his foot like a toddler.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist,” Steve says seconds later, through an overflowing mouthful of flaxseed and yogurt. “You already agreed. You’re not backing out.”

Bucky spins around and reads the flyer again.

---

“Avengers Calendar Shoot”

See below for your name and photo call timing.

Monday: Carol (10am), Wanda (2pm), Scott (6pm)

Tuesday: Rhodey (10am), Sam (2pm), Steve (6pm)

Wednesday: Tony (10am), Bruce (2pm), Natasha (6pm)

Thursday: Thor (10am), Clint (2pm), Bucky (6pm)

---

Stomping his foot again, Bucky stabs the flyer with the aforementioned butter knife.

“Someone better be yankin’ my dick right now,” he warns. “I definitely didn’t agree to bare my wrinkly nut sack for the whole fucking world to see.”

Sam dry heaves over his Lucky Charms.

Steve’s now filling his Black Widow coffee mug and rolling his eyes.

“What is it with you always trying to be naked? It’s not a naked thing, it’s a charity thing. Innocent children who don’t know what an asshole you are will see this, so you better be wearing clothes,” Steve gives his mug an annoying slurp. “Besides - you already agreed. No takebacks.”

“Steve,” Bucky crisply pivots, launching metaphorical murder darts from his eyes. “We’ve talked about this. Don’t tell me how to live my life.”

“Well it was your girl who convinced everyone to do it, so good luck telling her you’re a liar.” Instead of responding, Bucky holds up a Dorito in front of Steve and peers around the silhouette. Draws a few angles in his head. “What?” Steve asks brusquely.

“Nothing,” Bucky mutters. The chip cracks between his teeth with a puff of toxic orange. “Just makin’ an observation.”

“Just wear your scary leather bondage uniform with your scary mask and stand there all scary. You don’t even need to smile,” Sam says. Spooning cereal in with one hand, his other is attempting to worm its way into Bucky’s bag of chips. Cradling the Doritos under his arm, Bucky twists away, blocking the attack.

“Good way to lose a finger. Don’t touch my things.”

Sam swallows his cereal, ignores the lethal look in Bucky’s eyes, and tries again.

Steve joins in.

And so, when you roll into the kitchen a few minutes later, here’s what you find: three Avengers, three veteran soldiers, wrestling over a bag of Doritos. Bucky has Sam in a headlock, Sam is kicking Bucky’s shins and hitting him with a milky spoon, and for some reason, Steve is dancing around trying to tickle them both.

Clearing your throat, the trio freezes.

You smile.

“Gentlemen.”

Flailing arms and legs instantly break apart. Sam and Steve have the good grace to look chastened, both stammering embarrassed apologies. Bucky simply shoves a fistful of Doritos in his mouth and smiles triumphantly. Striding over to you, he wraps an arm around your shoulders.

“Babe, take my side here. You don’t want the whole world to see my nut sack, right?”

“Stop saying nut sack,” Steve hisses. “Nuts are gross.”

“Maybe your nuts are gross Steve,” Sam pipes up, rubbing his shirt with a wet rag, trying to clear away Bucky’s orange powder fingerprints, “but my nuts are awesome.” After a few harsh scrubs, he sees the futility and throws the rag in Bucky’s face. Stalking from the kitchen, he shouts something about laundry wheels and Oxyclean.

When you pluck the bag of Doritos from Bucky’s grubby hands, he releases them easily and grins at your exasperation. Sidling close, he rubs up against you like a needy kitten, so you hug him tight, dipping your fingers down to squeeze his butt.

“Please do it Bucky, I already told them you would. Wear anything you want, you don’t even have to smile,” you murmur in his ear, knowing precisely which buttons to push. “And besides, I bet I’m not the only one who wants to see those pretty blue eyes. Right?”

Bucky purses his lips. Wrinkles his nose. Grumbles under his breath.

And because you’re looking at him all wide-eyed and soft, he gives in.

Like he always does.

“Fine,” he huffs. “Fine. I’ll do it for you.”

“So much drama,” Steve mumbles through his granola. Bucky lunges for him, but Steve drops his bowl in the sink and skirts past, rushing for the door. Looking back, he throws Bucky a challenging smirk, before smacking into the doorframe. There’s a brief ricochet and then he’s scurrying down the hall, laughing as he goes.

“Idiot,” Bucky mutters.

Folding your fingers behind his neck, you turn his face back to you and kiss his stubbly cheek. “Thank you. Reason number one billion and two why I love you.”

At the brush of your lips, Bucky promptly grabs the back of your thighs and hoists you in the air. Spinning around, he shuffles over to the counter and drops you on top. Settling between your legs, hands flat on the counter boxing you in, his mouth finds the open space above your shirt collar and he proceeds to kiss every square inch.

“The things I do for you,” he breathes, sucking his favorite spot along your neck. It makes you shiver, that thing he does with his tongue. “You realize now I gotta go on a diet.”

“What? No, you don’t. You look perfect.”

Disappointingly, he stops that whole talented tongue thing and leans back. Grinding your heels into his butt, you kick him, urging him to stay put. Instead, he sighs in that tragic, pay attention to me way that only Bucky Barnes can do.

“Obviously I’m perfect, so are you by the way, but the camera adds five pounds. I have to preemptively lose it.” Crinkling up his now empty bag of Doritos, he throws it at the trash can and misses by a mile. He gives you a hangdog, pathetic sort of look. “This sucks.”

Bucky Barnes, ladies and gentlemen. The most dramatic human being on the planet.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t need to diet. You could weigh a thousand pounds and it wouldn’t matter, you don’t - “

“Maybe not, like, a thousand pounds,” Bucky interrupts. “That’d make sex super hard. And not good hard. Just awkward hard. You know? Like when Hagrid’s mom and dad had sex. Which I still don’t understand how that’s supposed to work and I’ve done a shitload of research on it, been on all kinds of forums and talked to some experts - there’s a guy at SHIELD who specializes in interplanetary species relationships, I don’t know if you knew that - but anyway it just makes no sense because she would have killed that little guy if he tried to bang her, and I’m sorry, that’s the tea and I’ll fucking fight anyone who disagrees.”

Pausing for breath, he looks so earnest you almost hate to stop him.

“Buck, maybe we try one day where you don’t reference Harry Potter? I know you’re a fan, but - “

“I drew some diagrams,” he continues. “Boning diagrams. But like, I still can’t get it to work.”

Staring into space, he lets his marvelous tactical brain run every scenario of sexual acrobatics required to establish the feasibility of human-giant sex.

This could go on forever. Once Bucky gets knee-deep in fan forum theories, hours will lapse before he swims up for air. Many a morning has found him still in his boxers, laptop on his knees while he smashes the keyboard, arguing with virtual enemies about the physical features of Hogwarts house founders or the complex nuances of international Wizarding trade law.

The truth is - Bucky Barnes is a god damn nerd.

Clapping your hands, you drag him back to real life.

“Focus please. You’re good to do this then? Without the diet?”

“I really really hate it,” he replies, matter of fact, “but I really really love you, so if you want me to, I guess I’m in. But I’m still losing five pounds.”

“You’re my favorite, you know that?” Slipping your hands up under his shirt, you massage the tight muscles alone his spine and he hums happily. Flashing a lazy grin, he boops your nose.

“You know what? I think you should do it too. Be so great to have a sexy poster of you for those long nights when I’m gone and can’t sleep,” he waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “If you know what I mean.”

“I’m going to pretend I don’t know what you mean.”

“Whatever. Like you don’t have a folder full of dick pics with my name on it,” he laughs.

“I wish you’d stop sending me those,” you say sternly. “You know this is my work phone.”

“So? You always need fresh material for your diddle box. Keeps the romance alive,” he says. Reaching up behind you, he tugs open the snack cabinet and rummages for a new bag of Doritos. The airtight blurp of a new jar of salsa follows.

“I’m sure I’ll regret this, but - what exactly is a diddle box?”

Massive Winter Soldier eye roll.

“All the pictures and videos and sexy shit you use to masturbate. Clearly.”

“Why do I ask you questions,” you sigh.

“I’m starting my diet tomorrow,” he answers instead, before dunking a fresh Dorito in the salsa.

*****

The next two weeks are spent with Bucky mostly eating raw vegetables and baked chicken breast and loudly commenting on the sorrows of dieting to everyone he encounters.

“You’re being ridiculous Bucky. No one told you to lose weight.”

“No,” he says glumly, crunching a celery stick with a martyred expression. “I need to be hot. Beauty is pain.”

“You are a pain.”

He sighs dramatically. Stares wistfully into the distance. Snaps a carrot in half.

“The things I do for you.”

“Jesus.”

*****

AVENGERS CALENDAR SHOOT THIS WEEK!

Remember to be on time, or we will choose the worst picture of you and print that.

We’re assholes that way.

Thanks,

Management

*****

MONDAY

(SEPTEMBER: Danvers, Carol; Captain Marvel)

Carol throws her bomber jacket over her red, blue, and gold uniform, and adds a sleek pair of vintage Ray Bans. Climbing into the cockpit of her fighter jet, she turns herself all glowy and golden, the color bouncing merrily off the control panel. Tipping her face down to the camera, she flashes the Shaka sign and gives the photographer a huge smile.

(FEBRUARY: Maximoff, Wanda; Scarlett Witch)

Wanda goes all out on all things red. Clad in a long red dress and long coat, surrounded by hundreds of red flowers - tulips and roses and carnations - she curls her fingers and everything around her begins to glow with a warm red light. When she smiles at the camera, her head tilts shyly.

(OCTOBER: Lang, Scott; Antman)

Is Scott actually in the picture or did someone spill coffee? The photographer sees a white sheet and a black spec, and scratches his head in confusion. Antman is kinda weird.

*****

TUESDAY

(NOVEMBER: Rhodes, James; War Machine)

Rhodey shows up dressed head to toe in gunmetal colored armor. When he snaps the faceplate down, the photographer timidly asks if maybe he wants to show his face. Rhodey flips the faceplate back up, reminds the photographer how badass this armor is, and says nope. He’s all good, thanks.

(APRIL: Wilson, Sam; Falcon)

Sam has spent the last few nights practicing his Zoolander pout in the bathroom mirror. He decides to wear a tight black t-shirt and comfortable jeans, with his wings spread wide, Redwing hovering beside him. At the last minute, his sultry pout melts into an animated belly laugh and they decide to use that one instead.

(JULY: Rogers, Steven; Captain America)

Steve goes back to his roots. Wearing a too small shirt and holey old jeans, he gazes pensively at the easel in front of him, glossy blond hair combed in a perfect wave. Fingers dusty with charcoal, he points to the picture he’s drawing and insists they capture it in the photo as well. They later realize he was drawing a picture of his own ass. That month gets labeled “Steve Rogers and America’s Ass”.

*****

WEDNESDAY

(MAY: Stark, Tony; Ironman)

Tony wears the bottom half of his suit and his favorite Black Sabbath t-shirt. Posing in his lab, he floats a few feet off the ground, crossing his arms and giving that trademark smirk. Scattered around him are random bits of technology and a few arc reactors, with Dum-E and a steaming platter of cheeseburgers in the background.

(JUNE: Banner, Bruce; Incredible Hulk)

Bruce looks a bit rumpled. The publicity shy scientist in him detests these things, but he’s a good sport for a good cause. Surrounded by microscopes and beakers of dazzling green liquids, he allows the teeniest quirk of his lips. Hands tucked in his pockets, messy curls fall over his forehead, and Bruce just feels happy to be included.

(JANUARY: Romanoff, Natasha; Black Widow)

Natasha asks for her photo in black and white. Dressed in shadows and tulle, she is nothing more than a dark figure against a white backdrop. On her feet, are a pair of ballet slippers, their satin ribbons looped and laced around her ankles. When she arches slowly up on pointe, her arms curve gracefully over her head and there’s an ethereal stillness about the image. Natasha is amazing.

*****

THURSDAY

(DECEMBER: Odinson, Thor; Thor)

Thor wears an enthusiastic smile when he arrives - and not much else. Dressed in a cherry red speedo, black boots, and his swirling red cape, he stands with one fist on his hip and Mjolnir held lovingly in the other. When the photographer asks about his outfit, Thor proudly describes something called “fan art” he saw online of himself wearing this outfit, mentioning how many “re-blogs” it had. He thinks he might wear this outfit more often, if that’s what the Midgardians want.

(AUGUST: Barton, Clint; Hawkeye)

Clint has a cup of coffee in one hand, a pot of coffee in the other. He wears purple sweatpants and a grey tank top and he yawns every five seconds. When asked what pose he’d like to use, he pretends his hearing-aids are broken. He lays down for a nap and the photographer goes with that.

(MARCH: Barnes, James “Bucky”; Winter Soldier)

Bucky leaves his leather bondage gear, his excessive collection of knives and guns, and his murder scowl at home. Instead, he arrives in black jeans and boots, a dark blue t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, his tousled hair brushing the collar of his jean jacket. Perched casually on the seat of his restored Harley, he looks carefree and sweet, offering that signature smile that always sets hearts aflutter.

*****

When the final photo is taken, Bucky ambles over to where you stand with the photographer, reviewing proofs. Snuggling up beside you, he moves in for a kiss and stops in surprise.

“What’s with the lipstick?” he asks, bemused. “That’s new.”

You seem momentarily flustered by the question, stuttering something about losing your chapstick and trying new things. Bucky shrugs and dives in anyway. It makes no difference to him. Painted red or completely bare, your lips are always his favorite flavor.

*****

“They’re here!”

The box of calendars lands with a thump on the kitchen counter.

“Excellent. Are we hot?” Steve asks, his mouth full of cheesy pizza.

“I’m always hot,” Sam answers, ripping into the box. “Yesterday I saw a Buzzfeed post about how hot I am, and it said 11/10 recommend.” Yanking out the pile of calendars, he throws one to Steve. “That means more than 100% would recommend. I’m beloved.”

“Yeah, well, I’m a national treasure,” Steve argues. Reaching for a calendar, he flicks impatiently until he finds himself.

Leaving the team to laugh and bicker and poke fun of each other, you grab your bag (and another small package), heading off to search for your favorite assassin slash model.

His door is cracked when you reach it, low music in the background. Knocking lightly, you push it open.

“Hey Buck. Are you busy?”

Surrounded a chaos of metal, Bucky sits cross-legged on his bedroom floor. A tin of gun oil lays open beside him, a shredded old t-shirt in hand, while he cleans and reassembles his guns. This particular task has taken him literally all day, because Bucky Barnes has yet to meet a gun he doesn’t need.

(Seriously. He needs them. All of them. Stop questioning him, Steve.)

At your voice, an adorable smile scrunches up his face. Bouncing to his feet, he leaps gracefully from the middle of the mess and scoops you up, twirling in a circle and stealing your breath with a warm kiss.

“Hey sweetheart, what’re you doin’ here?”

“Something arrived. Thought you might like to see.”

Handing over the calendar, Bucky wipes his hands on his jeans. A nervous energy makes his fingers fumble when he riffles through the pages.

He stops abruptly at March.

“Huh,” he says, observing his portrait from every angle. Turns it sideways, upside down, pinches his lip. Squints a little. Finally, he nods. “Yeah. Okay, yeah. I look pretty great. I think? Right? I don’t know, what do you think?”

It’s funny.

Sometimes, you hold your breath when you watch at him. There are these little things. The bright excitement in his eyes maybe, or the way he scratches his jaw when he gets nervous, or the absentminded way he tucks his hair behind his ear.

It does things to your heart.

“Yeah,” you say, mesmerized by those little things, “you really do.”

Bucky looks up. Sees your face and breaks into a wide grin. He loves when you look at him like this, like he’s the only thing that matters. Like he’s your whole world. Like you love him.

It does things to his heart.

Snapping the calendar shut, he flings it on his bed. Blue eyes rake you up and down and he pokes his lip out in an exaggerated pout.

“Still think you should’ve done it too,” he says. “Bet you would’a looked so hot.”

At his comment, you reach into your bag and pull something free. Silently, you hand over a second square, this one wrapped in black paper, a silver bow taped along the edge.

“What’s this?” he asks curiously.

Shrugging, your expression stays neutral.

“Open it and see.”

Like a kid on Christmas morning, he rips the paper away.

He freezes.

Blinking rapidly, he looks up. Silver fingers delicately trace the shiny picture and he swallows hard.

“Honey, is this - did you do this for me?” he asks softly. Flipping gently through each page of this special, one-of-a-kind calendar, he shakes his head in slow disbelief.

Because there you are.

Posing in March, holding his favorite confetti cupcakes adorned with birthday candles in front of your naked breasts.

Posing in July, dressed in a vintage red, white, and blue USO uniform, white boots on your feet and crackling sparklers in your hands.

Posing again in October, wearing a slutty pumpkin dress with cut-outs revealing slivers of your sweet, sexy assets.

Each picture is incredible. Full of vivid colors and your sunny smile. No air-brushing, no fake poses, just you. Indescribable and undeniably beautiful, bursting with love.

All for him.

Bucky rubs his chest absently, feeling his heart thumping with every turn of the page. And then he reaches the last month, and there’s a strangled squeak. He stares intently at the page. Looks up at you. Back to the page. Back up at you. Closes his eyes briefly.

This is it, this is his favorite, his absolute fucking favorite thing of all time, the image instantly wiping all other thoughts from his proverbial spank bank.

There.

You.

Are.

Damn.

Tacked above you is a sprig of mistletoe, a concession to the holiday theme. But it’s the outfit that does it. Black combat boots, lacy red lingerie, deep red lipstick, and an empty thigh holster. You’re pointing one of his favorite guns at the camera and giving a sly wink.

Mind-blowingly, devastatingly, breathtakingly gorgeous.

Bucky awkwardly adjusts the rising situation in his pants, raising lust-blown eyes to yours. Licking your lips, you give him a hesitant smile.

“Do you - um, do you like them?”

It makes you panic when he says nothing. He simply stares. But then he sets the calendar carefully, reverently, aside. Slipping a hand behind your neck, he hustles you backward until you bump the door, slamming it shut. His warm mouth slants over yours, that talented tongue returning to sweep over your lips. The kiss is hot and frantic, tinged with an edge of wild excitement. When he finally breaks away, his voice is low, dark gravel in your ear.

“Listen. I’m gonna need you to get all those outfits and put on every,” he kisses your throat, “single,” he trails his lips up to your jawline, “one,” and now he’s panting in your ear, “and then I wanna take pictures of me taking everything off, before I fuck you so damn good. How’s that sound?”

Sliding a hand between his legs, your answer makes him tremble.

“Sounds like a deal.”

*****

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #beccas1kwritingchallenge #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #bitsmasterlist #bucky barnes

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his-chxrry · 5 years ago

Photo

Summary:

Sydney is a young fashion designer who is working as an assistant for a stylist and a professional shopper. On any normal given work day, she spends her shift helping her boss by shopping for Beverly Hills richest bachelors or bachelorettes. But, on this particular day, Sydney's boss gets a call to go on a run for someone unheard of. A new client or someone else? It's not until she shows up to drop off the clothes seeing exactly who the person was and why they used an alias, landing her a job with the one and only, Harry Styles. Being an avid 1D fan, can she keep the fangirling to the side and keep her focus solely on the job? Can she fight the will to mix business with pleasure? Find out in "Falling For Style".

CHAPTER 1:

"Can you speed walk? Quickly!"

She can't be serious. Surely she's not taking back to back shopping list orders again.

"We have another order due at 11am!"

No surprise there. That's Alice. She's my boss. One of the most frequent professional shoppers here in the Los Angeles area. We spend most of our time taking orders from old geezers who are perfectly capable of shopping for themselves. But can I really complain when they're the reason I have a job?

"SYDNEY!"

"I'm COMING!"

Yes, that's me: i'm Sydney and this is my life! What I probably should have further explained is that I am Alice's assistant. So, while the orders come in for all of the shopping that we have to do, she prints me off the list, I take the keys and I go about my marry way, shopping for Beverly Hills finest people. As much as I would love to say I hate this job, it does have it's perks.

Sometimes, I get paid huge tips; especially from people like Mr. Bugetti who tips me $100 for every time I bring him a new suit. Or how about Rose? The lovely lady who can't seem to stay away from any lavender dress on the planet. However, she never tips me in money but she has phenomenal banana bread and I get a loaf every time.

Another perk to this job is that if someone doesn't like how they look in a piece of clothing, I get to take it home! Does that necessarily mean that I will get to fit into it? No, but I have friends who might be able to and who doesn't love free clothes? I know I do!

As I approached the counter, I took a deep breath, knowing I was about to be given another run for my money but I was going to make it count because it was my last run before finally going on lunch.

"Hit me." I tell her, leaning over to read over this list.

"So, this one is for someone we've never shopped for before." Alice said as she handed it over.

"Hector Sears?" I asked, raising a brow as I looked at the list. "Particularly white Vans, Calvin Klein's white and yellow pinstripe pants, a white newsboy hat, and a vintage white t-shirt-- I'm sorry. Does this guy know this is a recipe for disaster?"

"Now, Sydney, you know we do not judge our clients. I really need you to make a good impression so that he keeps us around."

I sighed, knowing that I would not be able to keep the judgement out of my face but I did my best to fake a smile.

"As you wish!" I assured her, taking the list and heading right back out of the door I had originally come in.

Thankfully, the stores I was shopping in were back to back and all located at the local strip mall just half a mile up the street from the office. My only fear was: what do we do if they don't have these particular items? On the list, it specifically said not to substitute for anything. So, you already know my anxiety was pretty high. I didn't even know who this guy was and he already sounded like a pill. But, it as time I make the most of it.

Getting out of the car, I made my way right into the Vans store and smiled at the cashier, approaching her so I wouldn't have to do the digging myself.

"Hi! Sorry to bother you, but can you tell me where I can find a size 10 in mens, pure white Vans?"

"Are you here for Hector Sears?" She asked, a light in her eyes.

I frowned. How the hell did she know that?

"Yes? Why?"

Laughter poured from her mouth because she could see how confused I was and I only knew to squint at this reaction.

"Sorry, I can tell you're confused. He called ahead."

"Ah!" I said, nodding and giving a partial smile, not understanding what the hell was so funny but I wasn't going to show that in my face. "Well, if you could just grab those for me? I have to drop them off by 11."

"Of course! Just give me a few minutes! I'll be right out!"

I nodded, taking a deep breath as I wondered if every stop would be like this. It was kind of nice, not having to search for the items myself. It saved time and it would help to get the job done a hell of a lot faster. Maybe this guy wasn't such a pill after all.

"Here you go!" She said, handing me the bag and I quickly gave her the company card to pay for them.

"I hate to ask but are you familiar with this name?" I asked. "It's just, he's a first time client for us; kind of trying to feel him out and see how his attitude is like."

She shook her head. "Not that I know of, but it's possible others have worked with him before."

"Thanks." I said, smiling and taking my card back. Interesting to think that maybe he wasn't that frequent.

You're probably wondering why I asked such a specific question but truth is because most of our clients are well known by the places they shop because they made appearances long before we would do it for them. However, I can't argue that Vans is a popular brand and this person has probably visited at least five different locations so, I'm not sure why I expected much.

Moving on to the next few stores, just as I thought, Mr. Sears had already called ahead, making my job ten times easier than most runs. It was simple: I'd say his name, they'd grab his order from the back, I'd pay and leave. I'm sure Alice will be appreciative of this and maybe I could pitch this as an idea to her to make errands run a little smoother; but knowing her, she won't budge. Now all there was left to do was to drop the clothes off.

The address that was given to me was in a familiar spot but it wasn't in the usual spot of where we normally drop off clothes. On a normal basis, we would drop off clothes to huge mansions the size of a mountain, but this particular street didn't have houses like that. The houses on this street were nice but they were much smaller, and to be quite frank, not anywhere I'd expect someone rich to live. But, who am I to judge? Like Alice said, I need to make a good first impression. So, that's exactly what I am going to do.

After about 15 minutes worth of driving, I finally pulled up to the house and just as I thought, it was nice but quite small! However, it had some pretty cool features and I could definitely see how someone rich could live here. There was a balcony practically the whole way around the house, and I'm almost positive it had a pool. But, now was not the time to scope the place out. I just needed to drop off the clothes so I could leave and go grab my lunch.

Upon approaching the door, I wasn't sure if anyone would actually be home. It was so silent and the only sounds filling the air were the sweet nothings of wind chimes and the ocean breeze. It almost felt like an awkward silence as my heels clicked across the porch, leading to the door way. Grabbing the door handle, I gave the door three knocks and one touch of the doorbell.

"H-Hello?" I called out, waiting to see if anyone was home.

"One minute!" I heard someone say. It seemed a little distant and it almost sounded as though there was a bit of an accent but I wasn't going to think anything of it because this is California: no surprise.

As I heard the door getting unlocked, I took a step back so I wouldn't be right in the person's face as they answered.

"Hi, I'm here for a Hec-" I paused. The person that was coming out of the doorway was by no means a Hector Sears. He stood there, gym shorts, nike shoes, and a tight white t-shirt with brown locks just taking over his head. He looked just like I had always seen him in magazines; but this time, this wasn't a photo op.

"You're....not Hector." I spit out.

"You're right, I'm not." He chuckled. "M'Harry! Lovely to meet you."

Offering his hand, I felt dumb as I glanced at it and then back up to his face before hesitantly offering my hand over and shaking it slowly.

"I'm uh... Sydney. D-Does a Hector live here?" I managed to ask.

"Mm'no. It's just me! I mean, I have a few roommates but none are Hector. I'm Hector."

I nodded. "Wow."

Another chuckle passed his lips. "I'm sorry to have startled you! I just knew that had I used my real name, it could have easily gotten me into quite a bit of trouble, you know?"

"I mean, yeah! You're Harry Styles for Christ's sake." I blurpped out, gasping at how rude that may have sounded. "I'm so sorry. It's just...kind of been a fan of yours for like...10 years almost? And never in my wildest dreams would I ever expect to stumble upon you, let alone, your house to drop off your clothing order."

Harry rocked back on his heels. "Yeah, that's essentially why I used an alias. I don't need people to really know where I'm living and hopefully, it won't get out!" He smirked, a playful brow rising on his forehead.

"Oh, nonononono. We have a very strict policy that all clients information remains confidential." I assured him and then handed him his bags.

"Well, I appreciate it!" He smiled, taking the bags from me and signing off on his receipt. "Um, before you go, are you busy?"

I frowned. Surely Harry Styles isn't asking me if i'm busy, right? There's no way.

"Uh, I, No! I was just about to go on my lunch break, actually!"

Harry Nodded. "Well, if you don't mind, I would like to take you for lunch as a way of thanking you for your services."

No...this is a real ass hoax.

"Oh, you really don't have to--"

"No, I insist!" He smiled, shutting his door behind him and locking it. "I have been stuck in this house since this morning working on music and going through meetings. It's about time I grab myself a bite too. Please, join me."

Alice's rule was to make a good impression. If turning Harry down meant ruining that for us, then that would be a bad idea right?

"O-okay!" I said to him but this would be the ONLY TIME I would agree to this.

Needless to say, I'm 100 percent scared but I'm ready for whatever this lunch, and time, with Harry might bring me.

**Did i really just write my very first chapter to a Harry Styles fanfiction? Yeah, I did and we're not gonna talk about it because I'm stuck in quarantine and need an escape! lol. I hope you all liked it. Please rate, comment, and tell me your thoughts! I need to know so I know your thoughts! Much love to you all!**

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #hs #harry fanfic #fine line #tpwk #did i really just post this?#i guess so #go easy on me folks #hsff

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thejackal64 · 6 years ago

Text

Pillars of Magic: Paradox | Chapter 2: Anomaly

It was a beautiful day in Mewni. As long as the flow of magic continued uninterrupted, every morning would remain the same. It might seem boring, but the people living there expected such perks. It wasn’t only about having money or possessions. It was also about life itself being marinated in luxury.

“Ugh!”

But while citizens of Mewni enjoyed being pampered by it, certain individuals who were just going through were appalled.

“There really wasn’t any other way to reach it?” The man asking the question was rather short, with a full beard covering his face. He had a peculiar expression, telling everyone around him that he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and anything could set him off...

“It’s pretty in here.”

...or anyone.

“Can we buy some candies?”

Despite the rather odd request, the new question was asked by a massive man, always cheerful and smiling. His name was Kobi.

“Oh yeah, sure. And then I’ll shove them down your throat so I don't have to listen to your stupid questions!”

“Can it, you two.”

With a strong and authoritative voice, and without the need to raise it, the third man, Lucan, was keen to keep their presence under the radar.

“We are in public and even though these people generally mind their own business, we do not need to risk attracting their attention.”

"Then why in the hell did you bring this bastard along?"

“Because no one else can work with him. Furthemore, this mission might require brute force.”

Kasper didn’t like Lucan’s answer. “We could've taken a couple of explosives instead of this blubbering oaf."

“Do I really need to remind you that we are on a covert mission? We are to retrieve the object and return to the base without causing a commotion.”

“According to your doo-hickey, that thing is deep within the old tunnels of this place. How the hell would they know about us being down there?”

“It’s an unnecessary risk that needs to be avoided to the best of our ability. We do not know how far the secret police’s reach goes and we might end up finding ourselves in a dire situation. And down there no one would come to our rescue.”

“I hate when you’re right.”

“I expected nothing else.”

Lucan was going over the data in his head again and again, trying to make sure he would be ready to predict any and all possible problems along the way. But, as history had taught him, no amount of pre-planning could circumvent the consequences of working with his two colleagues: one a violent hothead and the other a behemoth with a child-like attitude. All he could do was to prepare his best with the limited knowledge he had at his disposal.

Anywhere else, their blue jumpsuits would raise at least a few eyebrows. Not here. The queen and authorities made sure that Mewmans were involved so deeply in their cushy lives that they were all but blinded by their hearts desires. Three dudes dressed like plumbers were absolutely none of their concern.

The three followed the steady flow of students into Paragon Academy. Thankfully, the main entrance wasn’t their goal, so a few meters before reaching it they turned right and crept along the side alley toward the back. Even just this little piece of Mewni that they saw before them was sparkling clean; it was truly a sight to behold, and the side alleys weren’t any different. To someone living in dirt, this scenery was utterly bizarre. Pieces of banners were floating above their heads as they reached their destination. They were mesmerizing to look at, something Kobi enjoyed to the fullest.

His sight-seeing was cut short as a mere minutes later they appeared in the school's backyard. The back door entrance they were looking for was a solid block of steel without any handles or windows, and it wasn’t exactly clean. Lucan hit it in a specific pattern: thug-thug-scratch-thug-scratch-pause-thug. For a while nothing was happening, but soon enough they heard the screeching sound of doors trying to be opened from the inside.

“Looks like our intelligence department was right,” noted Lucan silently.

“I’ll congratulate them for not fucking up their job like last time when we go back,” replied Kasper.

Lucan nodded in agreement.

Every place in the world had a certain reputation. When people visited them, they expected their lives to be enriched with unique, local experiences. Very few visitors were coming to Mewni, but they were expecting riches and comfort beyond their wildest dreams, not a fat greasy face looking at them with glass eyes.

“Yeaaahhh? *blurp*”

Of course, for someone living in the swamps, such sights were living standards for them.

Lucan brought up a piece of paper. “As requested by the school board, we are here to clean up the toilets.”

The man standing in front of them gave them an empty look. “Yeah? You have - ugh - any papers?”

Lucan was caught surprised. “There wasn’t a mention about papers.”

“Yeah, see, that is a problem, because-” He obviously had a hard time not only standing on his feet, but also collecting his thoughts. “I… uh, still need to see papers.”

“They didn’t say anything about papers. We were told this was already settled.”

“That’s your problem, bud.”

Diplomacy was always Lucan’s first choice when dealing with people, but if that failed, Kasper used his own methods. He pushed Lucan aside and raised his head to make sure the dude standing over him would understand him very clearly. “Listen here, you fat fuck! The higher ups decided we had to come here to clean up your shit. We are more than happy to start with the biggest shit standing right in front of my face. Or you can move your dick aside and let us in to do our job!”

The man was shocked by his reaction. “Whoa there, now listen up, you can’t talk to me like that!” His voice would certainly have sounded more threatening, if it wasn’t for the high level of alcohol in his blood.

“Oh no? Then let me introduce you to my friend over here.” He stepped aside so that the guard could see Kobi standing behind him. “His name is ‘I’m gonna break your limbs’.”

“Hello!” Kobi waved his hand.

“I don’t-” Some understanding was seeping into his alcohol marinated brain, but it wasn’t enough.

“Kobi, why don’t you shake his hand?”

“I’ll be happy to!”

“Show him how friendly we are.”

“Oki doke!”

Kobi’s face was constantly smiling at him, but there was something behind that smile that alarmed the guy, like a much needed wake up call, if only for a few seconds.

“Alright, alright! I- I’ll let you in! Just- Go… *blurp* do your job.”

“A wise decision.”

Lucan never liked Kasper’s aggressive attitude, but he couldn’t dismiss its efficacy in situations like this. He smiled at the guard, trying to ease the tension a bit. “Thank you for your cooperation, sir.”

“Just… Get out of my sight.”

With subtle disappointment in his eyes, he took his comrades into the bowels of the school’s ground floor.

The interior wasn’t that much different from what they were used to down in the suburbs, but there were some notable differences. The biggest one was in the generator room they were passing through. Since everything ran on magic, many magical creatures were used as conduits for the magical flow. In here they utilized fire-flies: flies that actually generated fire and heat. But since they only did that when provoked, Mewmen engineers pioneered a solution to force them to keep releasing the energy they need. The process involved what were known as Adium Crystals. These crystals were tiny, sharp and spiky shards that could easily be found laying around near the outskirts of the city. It seemed to exist as a byproduct of several magical wars. Any magical properties were harmless to Mewmens, being only a small walking hazard if stepped on, but forcing Fireflies to go nuts. So they threw a few of them into a generator together with a swarm and let them explode with anxiety until they died.

It wasn’t a pleasant view for any of them, but their goal wasn’t to enforce their opinions about the environment. They needed, and quickly, to find entry to what they expected to be an ancient tunnel running somewhere under the school. With this in their minds they calmly left the ground floor and, using steep stairs, they approached the floor above.

The school was full of students getting ready for the day, but they didn’t think it would be so… sterile. Regular schools were unremarkable in design to keep distractions to a minimum, but the ones in Mewni took that a step further. There were steady pure white lights illuminating dark purple walls, floor and roof, reaching to every corner. The doors were a plain dark wood with no windows. There were no pictures, no flyers, nothing that would catch the eye and get in the way.

“Fucking hell,” noted Kasper silently.

“I have to agree,” responded Lucan. “I can’t even find the proper words to describe it.”

“Did someone die here?” asked Kobi. His question caught them both by surprise.

“They may as well have. The sooner we find that entry point the better. I shudder to think how those poor kids must feel after spending several hours in here almost every day.”

Kasper was visibly repulsed by this remark. “These kids - as you call them - wouldn’t hesitate to smash our skulls into the nearest wall if they learned we’re from the Resistance.”

Lucan pondered the thought for a few seconds. “Indoctrination.”

“Yeah. Let’s go now.”

But before they could move on, one of the students dropped her notebook at Kobi’s feet.

“Excuse me,” said the girl.

And in that very moment Kobi felt a sensation like never before. The same was true for Kasper as well, although for a different reason.

He slowly turned to Lucan, trying not to raise any suspicion. "Of all the people, we stumbled upon a Woolett. A fucking Woolett!" he muttered toward his partner.

"Keep your cool and we'll be fine."

She bent down slightly to pick up her notebook which she’d dropped. Kobi was quick to snap it up before she could. It was ridiculous how fast he moved to make sure his huge hand reached it before her more slender one.

“Uhm, you dropped?” he questioned, despite the obvious answer.

“Yes, thank you.”

Kasper's desire to end this encounter as soon as possible was palpable. Unfortunately for him, so was Kobi's desire to prolong it. He was demonstrating this by refusing to return her notebook.

“Sorry,” he said, his cheeks flushing red. “Your book?”

“Yes, may I have it now, please?”

“The book… uhm, yes, it’s yours!” He stumbled on his own tongue.

“Yo, Kell, this dude don’t seem right,” said the voice coming out of her hair.

"Shit! There is another Woolett in her hair! Is she breeding them?!" Kasper barked beneath his breath.

"Lower your voice! She will hear you."

Her polite smile became increasingly more nervous, as she tried to pull the book harder from his grasp.

He finally loosened his grip and allowed the book to be taken back.

“I’m sorry,” he said, wiping his brow and trying to find some kind of words to fill the moment that was making his heart race. “Kobi.” He extended his hand her way.

The girl chuckled loosely and took his hand to shake.

“Kelly. And hey, thanks for picking it up. Sorry I bumped into you.”

“No trouble,” he smiled. “I like Kelly. I-I mean!” he bungled over his words again while trying rapidly to recover, scratching his head. “I like to meet you. T-that is-I mean, good to see your p-pretty face. Uh-I-uh!”

Kasper was growing angry, but he couldn’t risk making a scene. “Lucan,” he whispered, “do something before he blows our cover!”

“Right.” Lucan stepped in. “We don’t mean to be any trouble, he means to say, miss. Sorry we got in your way.”

Kelly shrugged her shoulders and slipped the notebook over her shoulder and into her backpack. “Not a problem,” she said as she finally saw her exit and headed away towards the cafeteria.

With the students on their way, Lucan tapped his elbow. “Let’s go, Kobi. We don’t have time to linger.”

They went in another direction. The expression on Kobi’s face was as if someone had stolen away his happiness. But Kasper wasn’t so tactful.

“The hell you doing?!” he cussed in the loudest whisper he could muster.

Trying not to risk a racket, they quickly went on, turning behind the corner to hide from the eyes of the students. The hall looked pretty much the same as the previous one, but it was less cramped.

“She was so pretty,” noted Kobi with sadness in his voice.

“Ain’t nothing pretty about the things I’ll do to you if you pull shit like that again!”

“Guys stop! Listen!” They all could hear a faint beeping coming from Lucan’s backpack. “It’s here.”

“What?” asked Kasper. “The artifact?”

“No! That would be ridiculous. It’s the entrance.”

“Your thingy is showing the way?”

“Of course not. Nothing can do that. My tool is… Er - the magic. With such a low intensity in Mewni, it tends to behave like a river and my tool simply points the way to the strongest nearby current.”

“Uhm. So where is it?”

“Let me check.” Lucan looked around to make sure that no one would spot him. The hallway was even more empty than before. “Huh. Interesting. I wonder where they-”

“Dude!”

“Righ, right.” He placed his backpack down on the ground and reached into it. After rustling through it for a few seconds he brought out a somewhat bulky piece of equipment. “So I was right. According to this, there is one magical current flowing through these halls. It’s quite interesting if you think of it.”

“I don’t give a fuck about how ‘fascinating’ or whatever it is! Just point us to it so we can get the hell out of here.”

“Checking.”

He kept turning around until the device made the strongest sound when pointing to a specific direction. “It appears that it is coming from there. From… the cafeteria, it seems. Hmm. This might be challenging. They might have some questions about our presence going in there.”

“I have an even better question for you: where the hell is Kobi?!”

They were both looking around. Spotting a huge man among young teenagers should have been easy, but their efforts were fruitless. Kobi was simply gone.

Kobi was smiling. He had every reason to. It didn’t happen every day he met a girl that took his breath away. Or any girl for that matter. To be fair, he could be rather easily amazed by a lot of stuff, people included. But this was different. Because she was different. And he felt that in every bone.

He went back to the spot where he met her, being sure she would still be there. He was determined to give her a present he was holding in his hands. He approached the place, completely ignoring all other students. In everyday business they were ignoring everything that didn’t concern them, just like every other Mewman; but seeing a funny looking dude in a jumpsuit just standing there with an idiotic smile did get their attention. Some of them even stopped walking and just kept watching him, wondering what he would do.

Kobi was so sure that Kelly would come back that he didn’t doubt himself even for a second. He was friendly, smiling wide because he had a pretty present for her. In his mind he did everything to make her want to stay with him. Alas, their reunion was not meant to be, which he started to painfully realize after his hands started to cramp. Reality crept into his mind, forcing him to reevaluate his short term plans.

With apparent sadness in his eyes, he decided to leave the package on the ground. Even though she didn’t come back to him he still hoped that she might like the present he’d picked for her. However flawed this logic was to everyone else around him, it made perfect sense to him, so he left it exactly where he had laid sight on her for the first time, and with great disappointment decided to return to his fellow agents.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” asked Kasper.

“I’m afraid so. We must hurry before he runs into her a-”

Just as he was about to finish his sentence, Kobi appeared from behind the corner.

Kasper was thrilled to see him. “Where the fuck you have been?!”

“I wanted to give Kelly a present, but I couldn’t find her, so I left it on the floor for her to find it when she comes back.”

“We didn’t come here to find you a date, you shitstain!”

“Wait,” Lucan stopped him. “Kobi, what kind of present did you have to give her?”

“Oh. I found a really good looking box in your backpack.”

“A bo-” When his eyes met with Kasper’s, he knew they were in deep trouble. “The Black Box!”

Kasper didn’t waste a second and hard slapped Kobi. “That was a weapon of mass destruction, you fucking retard! FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY!!!”

“But it looked so nice!”

“I’ll rip off your dick off and beat you with it!”

“Hurry! Maybe there is still time before someone ope-”

BOOOoooooom

A massive shock wave passed through building. The sound cut out and lights went off abruptly. Aside from a few sounds of crumbling rocks and the voices of shocked students, nothing else transpired after the explosion.

Lucan brought out his flashlight and shined it down the hallway. “Interesting.”

“Do you think it didn’t get out?” asked Kasper.

“In theory the inner casing could withstand the blast, but it is very unlikely. The weapon engineers were perfectionists and always made sure their creations would work.”

“So then where is all the yelling and panic?”

There were brief squeals and scramblings from students here and there, down the the distant corridors and rooms, as if panic would abruptly set in only to suddenly die away again. The space between the horrified sounds lengthened until everything went quiet for a fairly long while in the dark. The minutes stretched on, the trio scanning the darkness for signs of movement.

Kobi wrung his hands worriedly as Kasper gritted his teeth, looking to Lucan for direction.

Lucan held up a finger the other two could barely see. “Shh!”

They could hear a person sneaking out of the cafeteria. “C’mon, Kelly, let’s go this way.”

“Kelly…” gasped Kobi.

“Stay where you are!” Kasper commanded.

Lucan picked up his backpack. “We need to get out of here immediately.”

“Wise words,” agreed Kasper.

“But what about all those students in here?” asked Kobi with sadness in his voice.

“They’re doomed,” replied Lucan.

“B-But Kelly…”

Kasper gave him a pat on his shoulder. “That’s just your everyday’s shit. Now move your ass!”

AAaaaaaaaaAAA!!!!

The yelling forced all remaining students in the cafeteria to run away, leaving it completely empty.

“The timing is impeccable. Great work, dude!”

“Kasper, stop teasing him. He is sad as it is.”

“He should be! His stupidity caused all of this!”

“And we will deal with it after we return to HQ, but right now we need him focused on the mission. Kobi? Follow us.”

Without any enthusiasm he followed his teammates into the now empty room. The smell of coffee and various other drinks were still hanging in the air. It was as if the students had never really left the place. The scents combined with all of the screaming and echoed noises, creating a haunting atmosphere.

Lucan lead them into the kitchen in the back. Many things were still being cooked and some were even starting to get burned. But culinary secrets weren’t what they were after.

“Where is it?” asked Kasper.

“Near.”

“Is that supposed to help?”

“You have to realize that tracking down and following magical currents is a delicate work. This isn’t a river you can simply follow upstream to find the spring.”

“Huh. That’s a good point. But I feel compelled to note that we are in a building THAT IS BEING EATEN!”

“I suggest you lower your voice unless you want that thing to follow us here.”

“Just find the fucking entrance!”

“I told you it’s- there!” Lucan suddenly pointed at a massive rack filled with food and spices.

“It’s in… a black pepper jar?” Kapser smiled.

“Underneath the rack, obviously.”

“Yeah, obviously. Kobi, make yourself useful and get rid of it.”

Big fellow was still sad, but he didn’t wish to enrage Kasper even more, so he just did what was asked of him. Unfortunately his enthusiasm got the best of him, and with a flair of his own he threw it to the other side of the kitchen.

Kasper realized the mistake he made. “Well, if those things didn’t hear us before, they surely heard us this time.”

“Kasper…!” Seeing Lucan even subtly angry was rare and unpleasant enough even for Kasper.

“Alright, I fucked up, I’m sorry. But look! There is the entrance and it’s…” He was staring at it for a few seconds, trying to figure out if this was the punishment for his screw up. “Holy shit it’s small! I don’t think Kobi will even fit.”

The big fella didn’t like the prospect of being left behind. “What???”

“He’ll fit. Barely, but he’ll get through.” While ensuring Kobi of his survival, something got his attention. It was small, placed just above the entrance. A marker of some kind. “Hmm.”

Kasper noticed his interest in the object. “What is it?”

“Not sure.” While trying to inspect the item with intriguing markings, a fast-paced movement was heard coming from outside the cafeteria. And it was approaching. “That’s our cue. Move on.”

“But…”

“What is it this time, Kobi?”

“It stinks in there!”

Lucan looked over the hole to check its bottom. “Huh. It appears the kitchen staff discovered it and kept using it as a trash bin for spoiled food. Regardless, this is the path we need to take.”

“But I don’t wanna!”

Right on cue, Kasper stepped in. “KOBI, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN THERE OR I’LL RIP OFF BOTH OF YOUR LEGS AND SHOVE THEM UP INTO YOUR ASSHOLE!!!”

“Grrr!”

With complications, Kobi managed to get through and landed directly onto the pile of stinky old food.

“Eww!”

“You’ll live. Now, catch Kasper and then me. And hurry; whatever is following is getting close.”

They both promptly jumped into the hole, leaving the mess they caused behind them.

After a short while of slow walking in squats, they entered a bigger tunnel. To their amazement, it was still lit. Dusty, but otherwise undamaged.

“An access tunnel,” noted Lucan.

“Huh?” wondered Kasper.

“What we left behind has to be an access tunnel, which would make this one here a maintenance tunnel.”

“So you know where we are?”

“No. I’m just assuming.”

“Based on what exactly?”

“Educated guess.”

“And this helps us… how?”

“That remains to be seen.”

“Terrific.”

“It was worth mentioning because this kind of architecture was used only rarely, at least in lower Mewni. I only know about such structures existing over there, but still… this appears to be in an astonishingly well-preserved state.”

“That’s fascinating and all, but we didn’t come here for sightseeing. Left or right?”

“Indeed. Let’s see… Hmm, now this is interesting.”

“Enough of this bullshit! Just tell us where to go!”

“Right. The flow comes from the right.”

“Finally! Let’s move our asses before that thing decides to fuck ‘em.”

“Right, of course.

Leaving the cafeteria behind, they pressed forward. With the sheer importance of the mission on their minds, they were eager to reach their destination swiftly. Unfortunately, their intentions were getting harder to reach, which was becoming more and more apparent with every meter they traversed through the tunnel. It snaked left and right, stretching and bending without an apparent end in sight.

“Argh!” growled Kasper. “This tunnel goes on forever!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” objected Lucan, who, for lack of a better word, was enjoying the scenery, or lack thereof. “I’m confident that we will reach the end in no time.”

Kasper hated many people and many things, and reassuring pep talks were at the top of the list. Hearing his artificially soothing voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard. “Oh yeah?” he replied as coldly as possible, “and how do you know, huh?” He was trying his best not to squish his face to cover up his idiotic smile. “Is one of your gadgets showing you something I don’t know?”

“Not at all.”

“Then how do you know where we are going?” The acoustics of the tunnel amplified his angry voice to new heights.

“This is not the time for you to unload your frustration. Logic dictates that eventually we will reach the end. Furthermore, this is unknown territory. Who knows what lies at the end of this tunnel. And now, thanks to your vocal performance, whatever might be there knows about us at this point.”

“So what?! We have mister muscle here!”

“Kobi isn’t invincible, which is why we always have to assess the situation. It’s the part of covert missions you keep failing to understand.”

“So after Kobi fucked up half of the school, you suddenly realized we have to be covert. That’s interesting. Let me just-” Kasper started to search his jacket for something.

“What is it?”

“Wait. I know it’s somewh- ah! Here it is.” He brought his hand up, presenting his closed fist as if he was holding something. But after opening his palm, there was nothing there.

“It’s empty,” noted Lucan.

“Yeah. I was searching in my jacket for my portable Fuck-O-Meter and this is the exact amount of fucks it gave me about your speech.”

Lucan raised his finger, preparing to fight back. Alas, he was interrupted by a sound that caught their attention and sent a shiver down their spines. Whatever made it, they could hear it coming down the tunnel, slowly, but surely approaching their position.

“Shit! It did follow us here!”

Something about the sound seemed chaotic; it was excessively unnatural. There was a mix of sounds, one distinctly weirder than the other. The noises meshed together, creating a hellish soundscape.

“How could that thing survive without a fresh host for so long?!”

“Your guess is as good as any.”

It didn’t take long for their stalker to appear in their sights. And it wasn’t pretty.

“Fuck me!”

“It appears to be some kind of head and is still alive even after several minutes of infection.”

Kasper squinted his eyes, trying to make out details of the host body. His discovery sent his mind into a spiral of deep fear. “A Woolett! That thing got ahold of that motherfucking WOOLETT!!!

“It appears to be confused. I don’t think its behaviour is by design. This is quite extraordinary.”

“Extraor- What do you think this is, a fucking zoo?!”

Before anyone could do anything, the Woolett boy, or rather what was left of him at that point, opened his mouth filled with goo and released a bunch of tentacles with their own little screeching mouths.

“Fuck!”

The creature screeched in agony.

“FUUUUCK!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”

They didn't need much of a reason to start running for it, even though Lucan did wonder if that was the best thing they could do. “Maybe we should think this through.”

“Are you for real?! What the hell you wanna think about in the middle of running for our lives?!”

“That’s the issue. We don’t know what lies in front of us.”

“An escape!”

“Even if that is true and there is nothing else on the road ahead, we can’t say for certain when we’ll reach a safe haven.”

“We are running away from certain death! Is that logical enough for you?!”

“We can’t keep running forever! We need a plan and we need it soon!”

“The plan is to stay alive!”

“That is no- Wait, what’s that?”

“An imminent death, that’s what!”

But Lucan wasn’t paying attention to what was behind them, but rather what was standing in front of them. Against all odds, he saw a young blond girl, eagerly waving at him.

“That’s not possible…”

Even at their fast running pace, she was getting close real quick and he began to notice her grotesque dress and what appeared to be horns on her head. It all seemed surreal and he had trouble accepting it. “How…”

“What are you mumbling about??? That thing is getting closer!”

When death was breathing down one’s neck and the situation was spiraling out of control, one must take all the help he could get, even if it came from a girl that shouldn’t be there.

“All of you, into the room on your right!”

“What room?!”

The moment they were just a few meters away from it, the girl went inside, followed by Lucan holding Kasper’s shirt and Kobi with fear in his eyes.

“It’s right behind us!” Kobi squealed.

“Shove the door!” But Lucan knew that wouldn’t be enough.

He immediately started looking for something to barricade them. To his surprise the room was filled with old equipment of some kind. All that was left to do was to choose.

“That big heavy looking box! Lean it over the door so it can’t get inside!”

“Roger!”

Before they could all say “quickly” Kobi grabbed it, and with an incredible ease barricaded the door. Not two seconds after, the banging started; heavy, strong and loud, with a Woolite on the other side desperately trying to gain access to their safe haven.

“Not that I’m complaining,” said Kasper while trying to gasp for air, “but what the hell is this place? And most importantly, how we will get outside?”

“That… I’m not sure.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I was led her by a girl.”

In visible confusion, Kasper started to look around. All he could see was a mess covered by a thick layer of dust. “Not to ruin your parade, but there is no one in here.”

“I can see that, but I’m telling you that I saw her showing me to come here.”

“Oh that’s wonderful. A girl popped out of fucking nowhere, she points her sexy little fingers to this cute little room and you jump right in without thinking!”

“My decision saved our butts.”

“They’re called asses and maybe you didn’t notice, but this place is a FUCKING DEATHTRAP!!! There is no way out of here except for those doors and by the looks of it they won’t hold much longer! All you did was you handed our asses on a silver plate for that shit out there!”

“I refuse to think this was a mere accident. There must be a purpose to it!”

“I’m this close to giving my fist a purpose of meeting with your face up close and personal!”

Among all that noise, a new and different one started to come out from one of the walls. They didn’t hear at first, but in those short moments when the creature outside stopped smashing itself against the doors, they could hear it - the tinny sound of someone moving around in a shaft. Without saying a word, Kobi removed a tool shed of the wall and revealed an entry into the ventilation shaft.

“That’s our purpose.”

“Hmpf! Lucky guess.”

“Be that as it may, that’s our ticket out of here. Kobi, can you see if you will fit through?”

“Now this I want to see,” smiled Kasper.

Kobi bent over and went head-on inside, and to everyone’s surprise, with ease.

“Well I’ll be…”

“Excellent! Kasper, you follow him. I’ll be right behind you. And make it quick - the doors are starting to break down.”

“With pleasure!”

After Kasper disappeared in the shaft, Lucan looked at the door one last time. “For what it is worth: I’m sorry. I never intended any harm to any of you students. You didn’t deserve this.” With the guilt off his chest, he followed his teammates to escape the place.

“Kobi!” yelled Lucan from behind. “Can you see where it leads?”

“No! It’s dark in here. I’m scared.”

“It’s alright! Just keep on going until you reach the exit. Don’t be scared if there isn’t any light ahead either.”

“If there is an exit…”

“Kasper, shut it! We are all stressed as it is. There is no need to make it even worse.”

“But it makes me feel better.”

“You and I will have to have a talk about morale when we get back to HQ.”

“If we even get back…”

“Kasper!”

“Uhm, guys? There is something weird in here.”

Now they were both paying him attention.

“What kind of weird?” asked Lucan.

“I can feel the floor wobbling.”

“I can feel it too,” confirmed Kasper.

“This part of shaft might be suspended on the wall. Kobi! Keep on going, but do it slowly! Move one hand at the time and-”

CRAAAAACK!!!

They felt the entire shaft tilting forward and it showed no signs of slowing down. Soon after they all slid outside and started to fall. The new place they were in was completely dark, which only strengthened the anticipation of imminent death. Fortunately for them, the fall wasn’t too long. It was several more seconds before they would land, but first they hit something metallic, judging by the sound, followed shortly by a second clanging sound, which was their stop. Even though it didn’t take them long to hit the ground, the impact itself was unpleasant enough for them that they felt the need to check their bones.

“That… hurts,” noted Lucan. “Oh, my back.”

“Your back?” replied Kasper with sharp irony in his voice. “I can feel pain in bones I didn’t know I have!”

“Well, all things considered, I did save us, didn’t I?”

“If only you ‘saving’ us didn’t hurt this much.”

“Wait, I’ll use my flahlight. Here we go. Hmm.”

“Hmm? Don’t say hmm after the shit we just went through!”

“I’m just wondering where the girl went.”

“This again…”

“Whether you believe me or not is inconsequential. We survived because she intervened.”

“Have it your way. What is this place anyway? I don’t recognize a thing.”

“Yeah, this is…” Lucan’s mind was working on the question way before it was even asked, so even though he couldn’t name it just yet, the answer was already taking shape in his head. “This…” He touched the cold, rusty metallic pole. “This…” He then inspected the now mostly damaged seats on both sides. “This…”

“I swear, if you say ‘this’ one more time I will rip your tongue out and wear it like a tie! Just answer the fucking question: do you know what this is???”

Lucan looked into his eyes with a spark. “A railcar.”

“A what?”

“A railcar. This is an intact railcar.”

“I don’t know what a railcar is but…” Kasper looked around to inspect all the damage that took a bite out of the place. “I’d hardly call this intact.”

“Well, yes, of course, time is merciless to everything. Still, taking into account the age of this contraption, it is surprisingly well preserved.”

“Alright then. Let me rephrase the question: where the fuck are we?!”

“You really don’t know? Huh, come to think of it, it’s not really too surprising. You never really did pay attention to history lessons.”

“History doesn’t save your ass, bombs do. Now will you answer my damn question or what?!”

“Very well. Come with me.”

He proceeded to take them out of the carriage. They couldn’t move much even there, as there were multiple wagons all over the place, stacked close to each other. “This way.” Thankfully, the wagons weren’t derailed or otherwise damaged in such a way that might hinder their progress, so after a while of walking between them, they reached a spot where the tracks began to spread further apart from each other.

Kobi was fascinated by all of the new stuff he could explore, though he couldn't care less what it actually was; every new thing was a good thing. Kasper, however, never really enjoyed the whole exploration gig. He was only interested in blowing up the things they found.

Lucan turned around and raised his hands. “Gentlemen, welcome to the depot of Warnicorn Metro.”

“Wait, you mean to tell me that Warnicorn Metro is real?”

“Indeed it is, despite its almost legendary status, as you can see.”

“I thought it was just a rumor.”

“That’s because the Queen doesn’t like failures and she made sure to wipe its existence from public memory by simply killing everyone who dared to even acknowledge its existence. All the remaining physical evidence was destroyed.”

“Why not destroy the whole thing?”

“Because by the time she had a change of heart, the whole system was so complex that they couldn’t get rid of it without turning everything on top of it into debris. But they did lock it out from the reach of common folks by building additional tunnels and buildings around it.”

“How do you even know all this stuff?”

“Knowledge is power.”

The sound that came from above their heads made them look up, even thought they couldn't possibly see anything in the pitch black darkness. Still, the noise was distinct, and considering the recent events, it was obvious what was making it.

"You think it's that girl you saw?" asked Kasper.

"I hope so, though I somehow doubt it."

"Yeah."

The fact that they couldn't pinpoint the exact location of the noise was making the whole situation worse. All they could do was continue staring into dark nothingness.

Kasper huffed. "Shouldn't we get out of here? I'm not exactly thrilled to face it again."

"But where to? We didn't have the chance to explore this place. We might end up wandering for hours, days even, and never finding a way out nor what we came here to find."

"Guys?" Kobi interrupted them. "I think the girl is showing us the way."

As a welcomed distraction from the imminent horror, they looked left and noticed a blond girl in the most unusual dress, holding a flashlight and waving at them to follow her.

"Holy shit."

"Now you believe me, Kasper?"

"I believe my eyes."

"Uhm, all right. We should move be-"

Before Lucan could finish his sentence, they could hear what sounded like something crashing into one of the boxcars not far away from their position. All three of them had the same thought; each of them had hoped that they were wrong. It wasn’t clear at first, as the thing that landed inside wasn’t make any noise; if it was moving, it was doing so with the utmost secrecy.

“Maybe it’s dead,” said Kasper with a nervous chuckle, trying to hide the growing fear inside him.

“Maybe.”

“Er, guys, the girl is still waving at us. Maybe we should go meet her instead of waiting for that thing to eat us?”

Now this sent shivers down their spines. It was one thing to feel fear when a horribly deformed mutant was chasing them, but hearing that fear in the voice of their big gun made them realize the gravity of the situation. They were keen not to die.

“You’re right Kobi,” agreed Lucan. “We should leave this place before-”

The silence that was giving them some hope of being safe dissipated like a morning fog the moment the car started to keel from one side to another. A noise like that of steel being ripped apart emanated from it. They wanted to run as far as possible, but their legs were locked in place by the crippling fear of aggravating the creature and, in turn, of accelerating their journey toward their own demise. All they could do was to watch with hearts beating like crazy.

The sound started to move from the point of impact along the car. It was clear that it was ripping its insides out, though the purpose of doing so was unclear to them. That was, until it came out and they could see the thing by their own eyes; and that sight was haunting them.

“MY HOLY DICK!!!”

“My dear!”

“I’m scared! Can we go home now?!”

It was Tad. Or rather what was left of him. The impact was so great that despite being covered by the goo creature, he broke all of his bones and even a small part of his skull. But the entity wasn’t ready to give him up, so it improvised: it took all the steel pipes it needed to replace the cracked bones and cover the exposed brain, which was already looking like a dry plum. The creature certainly didn’t cater to aesthetics, so the thing standing there in front of them looked like a pure eldritch horror snatched straight from the worst of nightmares. It wasn’t doing anything, save irregularly breathing through semi-broken nostrils, but it was enough for them to shit their pants.

“Lu-Lucan?” stuttered Kasper.

“Yes?” answered Lucan with shaking voice.

“Tell me you have a plan. For everything that’s holy to you, tell me that you know how to get us out of here in one piece.”

“W-Well, erm, I…”

“No. No no no no no!”

“Just let me think, all right? I need to… assess the situation.”

“What do you need to assess?! That: a deadly monster - us: dead meat!”

“Don’t you think I don’t know that?! But if we want to survive this encounter we need to think smart about our next step.” Standing there against the creature, Lucan began to calm enough for him to formulate a plan. After a while of stressful thinking, he said, “Poop bombs.”

“Excuse me???”

“Didn’t you hear me?! Poop bombs!”

“Wha- Ooooooooooh!!! Poop bombs!”

“Yes, poop bombs.”

“So does this mean I have your permission to make shit go boom?”

“Only that specific shit, nothing else. We still need to finish our mission.”

“Man, how can you still think about the stinking mission?”

“Training. Now do your thing.”

“Right, right.” Kasper was, within the limits of the current situation, happy. He could finally shine with his explosive personality against a worthy adversary! If only he could force himself to make a move.

“What are you waiting for?”

“It’s just that… It might recognize they are bombs and chop me into pieces before setting them off.”

“I don’t believe it will do that. At least not right away.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Its behavior. Just like a few minutes ago, it isn’t doing anything. Chasing us all the way down here, but not proceeding with killings.”

“Now that is weird.”

While the two could hide their fear for the most part, Kobi wasn’t so fortunate.

“Can you PLEEASEEE make it go away?!” There was a subtle hint of cry in his voice.

“Alright, alright! You’re acting as if we are about to die or something. Sheesh. OK then, I’m reaching for my belt, slowly!” And he was really slow, straining every muscle in his arm to keep its movements to an absolute minimum. A sloth standing next to him would appear as if doped on caffeine.

Lucan was watching him the whole time. “What are you doing?”

“Trying not to startle it.”

“Just pick those bombs and throw them at it already!”

“Pfft! OK, fine, have it your way!” He angrily reached into his pocket, picked a handful of small black balls, and threw them at it as if in tantrum. “There! Happy?!”

There were several scenarios they could have imagined once Kasper threw the bombs: a premature explosion, a late explosion, an explosion doing not nearly enough damage, an explosion that was misdirected… Basically every idea contained some form of explosion. What they got instead was something completely not expected: tiny, nasty tentacles reaching out from all over the hijacked body and eating those small bombs, not leaving a single mark after them. No flash, no sound, no smoke. Just gone.

“Well, that just happened, “ summarized Kasper. “I think it’s safe to say we are fucked.”

“Not just yet.”

“What do you mean not just yet? It ate them! They didn’t leave a dent on it! That’s an apt description of being fucked!”

“But it still isn’t doing anything. That’s a good sign.”

“It’s a sign of it playing with its food.”

“You and your pessimism.” “You still don’t believe me? Here, let me make this jump to end this fucking sharade.”

“Wait, what are you doing?!”

But it was too late. Kasper made a swift jump away from the monster to demonstrate just how wrong his leader was. And the monster did the most unusual thing he could think of: once again, absolutely nothing.

“What the- WHAT THE FUCK IS ITS PROBLEM?! First it chases us, then it stops, then it chases again and when it has us on a silver plate, it doesn’t do shit again! That thing is broken! Fuck it, let’s go!”

“No!”

“Oh fuck you Lucan! I had enough of your bullshit!”

“Just wait a second! I think I know what is happening here. And if I’m right…” He raised his foot and made a step back. Tad, as previously, did nothing.

“I give up,” Kasper threw up his arms.

“Just one more thing. Kobi, make one step back. Slowly.”

“But I’m scared.”

“I know you are. We all are. But I need you to do this one thing for me. Please? Just one slow step back, nothing more.”

“Uhm, erm, o-ok.” Kobi carefully lifted his leg and started to move it behind his back. That immediately triggered a growling in the monster. “Gah!” He quickly returned his leg back to where it was previously.

“Ha! So I was right after all!”

“I am so fucking happy for you, man. Like, I would give a hug and shit, but unfortunately this place kills the mood for it.”

“Yes, yes. Do you remember that encounter we had with the girl, the one with the book?”

“Her name was Kelly,” Kobi quickly corrected him, which awarded him an even nastier growl from the creature.

“Hush now, Kobi. Let me talk. So anyway, we heard another voice coming out of her hair. Head to be more precise. I now believe that was her boyfriend.”

“Even if so, how the hell is this supposed to help us?”

“Because now I can come up with some kind of plan to get us out of here in one piece while achieving our mission goal.”

“Do tell.”

“You see, when the goo attacked him, it went on with its business; sucking out all the brain energy and all that. But the substance wasn’t created with Woolites in mind. And there is a good reason for it: back then no Woolite was living in Mewni and they were considered extinct after the great Magical Wars with their people. My guess is that it couldn't fully merge with its host and when it was about to be done with this boy here, it wanted to jump to another victim, but at that very moment it tapped into his rage against Kobi. ”

“Because he was hitting on her!”

“Exactly! So now they are both locked in endless agony: the boy is alive just a split moment from death and the goo is dying of hunger, and both want the opposite things. Although at this point my guess would be he just wants to die.”

“Awesome mental work, dude! Now, let me ask you this: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSE TO HELP US?!”

“We can use Kobi here as bait.”

“What?! No! No bait! I don’t want to die!” Kobi objected.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want you dead either. We will just make sure it will follow you to a place where we can kill it. The boy deserves his peace and we deserve to live. Are you with me, Kobi?”

“So I won’t die?”

“Not if you will do exactly what I tell you to do.”

“O-OK.” Even though he agreed, he wasn’t convinced.

“This is all dandy and sweet and shit, but what is the actual plan?”

“I’m not exactly sure.”

“Say what?!”

Kobi lit up. “But the blond girl appears to know how to proceed.”

Kasper looked over his shoulder to the opening in the dark. “She was holding that flashlight this whole time? Damn she has to have a strong arm.”

“I believe it is safe to assume she wants us to follow her there. Which we’ll do.”

“Excellent idea boss, but it seems you forgot about one small, tiny, itsy-bitsy, but ever so crucial detail: we can’t move our asses out of here without turning Kobi’s ass into a ham!”

“Well it looks like the girl disagrees with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at her.”

“Why- I was just checking a minute ag- Oh.”

The girl was still holding her flashlight, but now she was pointing it at something above their heads. He looked up and saw a train car hanging on a steel rope, though he didn’t recognize the contraption holding it there.

“The fuck is that?”

“No clue. But that is unimportant right now. All we need to do is to make it fall down on that thing… that… is- Is it growling?”

“Yeah,” Kobi confirmed, “and I didn’t move from my place, like, at all. I even slowed down my breathing so I wouldn’t enrage it. It really hates me.”

“Yeah, who doesn’t? Lucan, while that thing hanging above our heads is certainly convenient, how do you want to get it down and break its skull with it?”

“Simple: with your help.”

“My help? I ain’t going up there!”

“I didn’t mean that, you simpleton. You’re a demolition expert. Don’t you have a means to shoot it down or something like that?”

“Oh that kind of help! Yeah, sure, I should have something tha- Oh, I know!” Kasper reached into his pocket again and this time he brought out something yellow and bright resting in his palm.

“A firefly.”

“Yes.”

Lucan looked at him with suspicion. “With all those explosives you have at your disposal and you picked a firefly.”

“Ah, but not just any firefly. A Blind Bandit.”

“I really hope that’s just a name.”

“Nope. It’s really blind.”

“Kasper, we don’t have time for this.”

“What?! This is the perfect solution to our problem. Look, these fireflies are rare and really hard to train.”

“You mean to tell me you trained this thing?”

“Of course! They are really dumb. Even dumber than Kobi here. But they also have what you would call an explosive personality - they make a lot of damage upon contact.”

“How come it didn’t explode in your hand?”

“Because it’s not flying, duh! So you want that thing to fall down, right? Then I’ll just point it at the rope keeping it there and BOOM!”

“How precise is it?”

Kasper was beginning to be annoyed. “It goes exactly where I show it to go. I could send it towards a moving hoving car and it would splash against it with a smile.”

“All right, I believe you. Kobi, are you ready?”

“Yes please!”

“Kasper, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Kasper aimed has hand at the illuminated rope and gently blew air at the little creature. As if being a leaf, it took off and started to fly in a straight line. “See? Easy.”

“Excellent. Now, both of you be ready to start running.”

“Running? Aren’t you exaggerating a little? We just need to move away.”

“That car won’t kill it.”

“What are you on about? Of course it will kill it!”

“A fall from 10 meters won’t end its life, so I doubt this will be successful in that regard.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Perhaps. But she does,” Lucan pointed at the girl still pointing her flashlight. “It’s apparent she wants to help and that she knows this place.”

“You think we can trust her?”

“Unclear, but we don’t have much of a choice.”

Kasper looked up. “Well, we will see soon enough. Ten seconds!”

“Kobi, we will all start running towards the girl on my mark.”

“OK!”

“Three, two, one, RUN!”

They all quickly turned around and started to run away from the creature. That enraged it and it immediately began to follow them, but it managed to make only a few steps before a loud explosion was heard above and the massive train car landed on top of it. None of them dared to look back, as they believed it would be pointless. When they were approaching the gal, she didn't wait for them and started to run as well.

“Hey, wait for us!” Lucan yelled towards her, but she didn’t pay any attention to him.

“Should we follow her?” asked Kasper.

Suddenly a loud and unnatural screech was heard from behind.

“There is no turning back. Keep running!”

The air inside the hallway they entered was stiff and old and kinda smelly. But all that was irrelevant to them. What mattered was the fact that they were being chased by a monster that now looked like a living nightmare. Kasper was the last one and he could hear it following them the best. It also meant he could just turn around and take a glimpse of it if he wanted.

Left, left, right, up the stairs.

The idea of seeing its current shape had made his mind so preoccupied that he didn’t notice the change of scenery. Instead of a plain tunnel they were now in a hallway with a lot of doors, and the further they went the wider the hallway got.

Right.

He didn’t want to turn back. The fact he could hear it more clearly with each step suggested it was getting closer. But his curiosity took hold of him and forced him to turn his head around, if only for a split second. That split second was more than enough to scare him to death.

“FUCK! That shit is really pissed we took its favorite chew toy and it wants it back! BADLY!”

“I can hear it too! It sounds extra motivated!”

“No shit! Do you still see the girl?”

“Yes! But I’m clueless as to where she is taking us!”

“We will find out in one minute!”

“Why one minute?”

“Because we will be dead in one minute!!!”

Up the stairs and through big doors.

Now the place had turned into a wide square full of shops and vending machines. There was also a weird, blueish flickering light coming from behind turnstile, which was exactly where the girl was leading them. This made Lucan suspicious and question his decision to trust her. Whatever the case, it was too late to change his mind, and all he could do was follow the whole situation through.

They turned right to the light. With full running speed they barged into an abandoned boarding platform with a huge hole in the middle of it. Lucan saw it at the last moment.

“KOBI, TURN RIGHT AND GRAB KASPER!” Even he had trouble steering his body to the side, so seeing Kobi steering his while grabbing Kasper along the way was truly something. They were safe from falling to their deaths, but not so much from being eaten.

Not five seconds later a massive black blob beyond recognition emerged out of the darkness from behind, covered by steel shrapnel and tentacles. The creature too had the problem of staying on their tails while going after them at full speed, but it managed to attach itself onto nearby pillars to keep itself from falling into the abyss. Still, a small part of its mass did lurk over it, and that small part was enough for it to sign its death warrant.

Out of the blue and without any prior indication of its presence, a huge, nasty looking reddish tentacle appeared from the sinkhole and wrapped itself around the black creature. The creature shrieked, trying to hold itself in place, but the fight was predestined to fail. It was being loud, attaching itself to various things around in total panic, but the sheer difference in size was simply too great for it to stand any chance. After a short horrifying theater they had to witness, the blob was snatched against its will down into the pitch black.

Lucan was pointing with his flashlight at the scenario the whole time and even after it was done he couldn’t force himself to move his hand away from the hole. The shock of it all took hold of his nerves, keeping him from doing anything at all.

“Well,” noted Kasper, “I believe the smaller problem is gone. Can we now panic over the bigger one?”

“I- uhm,” suttered Lucan.

“This place is fucked up, man. How anything with magic can exist in this place is beyond me.”

His mention of magic jump-started Lucan’s mind. He got back on his feet and started to search for the girl. She was the only thing he could focus on to regain his sanity after what he had just witnessed. Lucky for him, she wanted to be found. But this time she wasn't showing any sign of movement. In fact, she was standing across the chasm perfectly still, almost like a statue.

That wasn't the reassurance he was looking for.

“Uhm, OK, well, I- I think we should reach out to her here before that thing decides it needs a dessert. Kobi, are you feeling well?”

“No.” His voice was weak and silent.

But Kasper wasn't convinced by his plan. "Dude, that chick is giving me creepy vibes. And that says something, considering the shit we just went through."

"I can't deny feeling a degree of… uncertainty. I'm still shaken by these events, just like you. But that wasn't our mission."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me…"

"Without purpose we are lost. More so in this uncharted place."

"All the more reason to get the fuck out!"

"That is my goal as well, but first I need to know why she brought us here. Now, follow me around this pit. Surely a few extra steps wouldn't hurt you."

Kasper mumbled something inaudible but agreed to get a move on, quite reluctantly though, as the passage to the other side was narrow and the possibility of being eaten alive very much probable.

Kobi was shaken the most, almost to the point of not being able to move from his place; a place he grew to like over the last few minutes. It gave him a sense of security, even if it was false.

Lucan, who had some problem of coping with the situation himself, needed to muster every last drop of confidence he had left to comfort him. "Look, Kobi, the pretty girl is just over there. We just need to get to her and then we will be on our way."

"I don't like her."

Kasper felt the need to join the discussion. "At least something we can agree on."

But Lucan quickly shut him off with a look in his eyes. "We will just check what she wants, nothing more."

Kobi looked up with his sad puppy eyes. "And we go?"

"Of course."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He looked over to the girl just standing there with an unnatural look on her face. "Well ok."

Lucan grabbed his hand, though thanks to his massive body it was a mere symbolic gesture. He then turned to Kasper. "Lead the way."

"Gee, thanks."

They were moving along the edge of the pit in one line making sure not to fall down. Only Lucan kept watching the girl, than his own footsteps. She didn't appear to show any signs of movement and the flickering blue light above her was giving her an almost eerie feeling. Just before he was behind a pillar, she suddenly turned her head his way and smiled. But it wasn't a smile of a girl; it was a smile of a winner.

And as if she wasn't really there, once they got past the pillar, she was gone. He quickly approached the spot he had seen her standing. The floor was dusty, but didn't have any footsteps. The creepy feelings intensified, as did Kobi's anxiety.

"Can we go now?"

"Not yet."

Kasper disagreed. "Oh come on, dude! Now you're just being an asshole. There is nothing here!"

"I wouldn't be so sure of that. Think about it: we enter a centuries old piece of architecture, seemingly abandoned for the same length of time, and then this person appears out of nowhere and starts helping us, leading us to a specific place. This place."

"You're just making absurd connections that aren't there."

"I don't think they are. It's beginning to make perfect sense to me now."

"How convenient that your brain lit up in this place in particular."

"Your doubts are understandable. But I believe I can disperse the gloom looming over your head - with this."

"Your doohickey?"

"I'm convinced that if I'll turn it on here, it'll immediately light up."

"I want to see that."

And so Lucan flipped it on and to Kasper's surprise, and to Kobi's relief, it did just that.

"Well I'll be…"

"I believe that she wasn't just leading us out of harm's way. She was also leading us to the very thing we came here to search for."

"How's that even possible???"

"I have no idea, and just this once I'm fine with it."

"But what about the pretty girl?" asked Kobi.

Kasper nodded. "I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with him, but he has a point. She did help us after all."

"I don't think she wants to be found."

"What makes you think that?"

"Do you see her?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then we're leaving her where she wants to be. Now, let's see what we get here."

Kasper was somewhat shocked by his response, but taking into account what happened and the place they were in, he just shrugged it off.

"Well, even though we're here, wherever 'here' is, how the hell do we know what to look for? Do you know what the damn thing even looks like?"

"Not yet. Here, hold the flashlight. I'm going to find the source."

Lucan's apparatus was definitely going crazy, but still wasn't at its peak level. Aware of this fact, he began to search the place. He was glad when the signal weakened when he pointed it towards the pit. But when facing what appeared to be a glass wall, the readings hit the ceiling.

"In there! Kasper, shine some light into it."

The light rays revealed a curious sight: toys. A lot of them, being thrown around the place in random order.

Kasper was surprised. "A toy shop?"

On the other hand, Kobi was happy. "Yay! Toys! Can I take one?"

"We didn't come here to steal useless crap, you doofus! Now, which shit in there is the thing we're looking for?"

"I'm not sure. My equipment isn't that sensitive."

"Then you better make it sensitive enough, because I sure as hell ain't going in there to search for it!"

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Go back a little. Yes, there! Do you see it?"

"See what exactly?"

"It's buried beneath all those toys, but I think I can see a small part of it peeking out."

"I see nothing."

"You will. Kobi, break the glass, please."

"Wee, toys!" Kobi broke it with quite the enthusiasm, resulting in glass shattering all over the place.

Kasper shielded himself from the spray of glass. "Not so hard, you fucking twat! You almost cut us!"

"Oopsie. Can I take toys now?"

"No! Lucan, tell me you see that damn thing."

"Indeed I do. Hold on."

He reached his hand into the pile of cushy toys. To his surprise they were in quite good condition for being hundreds of years old. But this realization went quickly away when he touched a very slick handle and felt a slight tingling sensation in his fingers.

"Got it."

And when he brought it out, they couldn't believe their own eyes.

Kobi’s pupils almost dilated with glee. "What a beautiful toy!!!" he gasped.

What was a mere toy to Kobi, was something entirely different to Kasper and Lucan. A wide range of new possibilities opened just before their eyes.

"No. Fucking. Way. It can't be!"

"But it is! Do you realize what this means? This changes everything! We can finally make a final move against the queen!"

They were silently staring at the object in Lucan's hand. The handle was smooth, with a spiral ornament and a small crystal at the bottom. On the other side it had a star shaped crystal surrounded by small hearts and embedded in half a sphere, which had two wings attached on both sides.

Lucan was ecstatic. "The ultimate source of magic in the whole world: a magical wand!"

"But I thought there is only one and it belongs to the queen."

"I'm holding the proof that we were wrong this entire time!"

But then Kasper noticed something weird about it. "Uhm, dude? Not to ruin your parade, but doesn't it look kinda weird to you? Because to me it looks dead. There are barely any colors, just shades of grey."

Lucan clearly didn't like Kasper's remark. "It is of no consequence. We have it. It is ours. We can use. We will use it."

"Yeah, sure, awesome stuff, except that we are still stuck in this hellhole. How the fuck do we get out?! We can’t go back the way we came in."

It was unclear if the wand actually heard his question, or that it could even understand his question; but the fact remained that for a few seconds it regained all of its colors and shined bright as a sun, followed by lights lighting up a hallway leading to a stairway. They kept staring at the possibly most convenient getaway that ever existed. After being tired by looking just one way, they carefully looked down at the wand, expecting it to talk to them or something similar. But it remained silent.

“That didn’t just happen, right?” asked Kasper, looking for moral support. “I mean, wands aren’t alive, right?”

“Sentient is the word you are looking for. And honestly I’m not sure about anything anymore, except that this thing is the key to our victory. So let’s just accept this offering of good faith and get back to base.”

“Spooky wand,” added Kobi.

They left the horrors of Warnicorn Metro behind and began to rise to the surface. The climb was quite long and exhausting, but after all they went through, this was a walk in the park. And truth to be told, they enjoyed it. After all, they had the most powerful, and most likely also the only known, weapon strong enough to defeat and kill the queen, Omnia Butterfly.

#pillars of magic #star vs the forces of evil #svtfoe

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ts1989fanatic · 7 years ago

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All 115 of Taylor Swift's Songs, Ranked

From teenage country tracks to synth-pop anthems and little-known covers, a comprehensive assessment and celebration of Swift's one-of-a-kind songbook

Taylor Swift the celebrity is such a magnet for attention, she can distract from Taylor Swift the artist. But Swift was a songwriter before she was a star, and she'll be a songwriter long after she graduates from that racket. It's in her music where she's made her mark on history – as a performer, record-crafter, guitar hero and all-around pop mastermind, with songs that can leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar. She was soaring on the level of the all-time greats before she was old enough to rent a car, with the crafty guile of a Carole King and the reckless heart of a Paul Westerberg – and she hasn't exactly slowed down since then.

So with all due respect to Taylor the myth, the icon, the red-carpet tabloid staple, let's celebrate the realTaylor – the songwriter she was born to be. Let's break it down: all 115 tunes, counted from the bottom to the top. The hits, the flops, the deep cuts, the covers, from her raw 2006 debut as a teen country ingénue to "...Ready for It?" – her latest offering. Every fan would compile a different list – that's the beauty of it. But they're not ranked by popularity, sales or supposed celebrity quotient – just the level of Taylor genius on display, from the perspective of a fan who generally does not give a rat's nads who the songs are "really" about. All that matters is whether they're about you and me. (I guarantee you are a more fascinating human than the Twilight guy, though I'm probably not.)

Sister Tay may be the last true rock star on the planet, making brilliant moves (or catastrophic gaffes, because that's what rock stars do). These are the songs that sum up her wit, her empathy, her flair for emotional excess, her girls-to-the-front bravado, her urge to ransack every corner of pop history, her determination to turn any chorus into a ridiculous spectacle. So let's step back from the image and pay homage to her one-of-a-kind songbook – because the weirdest and most fascinating thing about Taylor Swift will always be her music.

115. "Bad Blood" (2014)

Melodically parched, lyrically unfinished, rhythmically clunky – this was a mighty strange pick for a single from an album as loaded as 1989. There are a million things Taylor has in common with Paul McCartney – one is that celebrity grievances tend to sound like a penny-ante waste of their time, even when they're totally understandable (unless you're a fan of Macca's "Dear Boy," where John Lennon is his Katy Perry). The single remix is improved by Kendrick Lamar – but he wasn't saving his A-game for this one.

Best line: "Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes."

114. "Santa Baby" (2007)

Yes, she made a Christmas album, which is full of contenders for the basement of this list. But an oldie about a gold digger wooing Little Saint Nick was perhaps a dubious pick for a singer still in her teens.

Best line: "I've been an awful good girl."

113. "A Place in This World" (2006)

Apprentice work from the debut, when she was still learning the ropes as a country songwriter. Yet, the seeds of greatness are already there. Historical significance: This was the song where Tay discovered rain imagery, which in her hands was the equivalent of Sir Isaac Newton inventing calculus.

Best line: "I'll be strong/I'll be wrong/But life goes on."

112. "Christmas Must Be Something More" (2007)

A hymn about how Jesus is the reason for the season, with the hook, "So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives." Unlike most boys Swift sings about, Jesus didn't comment publicly.

Best line: "What would happen if God never let it snow?"

111. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" (2006)

Could there be a less Swiftian sentiment? For better or worse, this girl is always herself. That's kinda the point.

Best line: "I'm only up when you're not down/Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground."

110. "Two Is Better Than One" With Boys Like Girls (2009)

A long, long, very long duet with former Good Charlotte and Fall Out Boy tourmates Boys Like Girls, who are either from London or Nashville (they seem to switch accents at random).

Best line: "You already got me coming…undone."

109. "Out of the Woods" (2014)

Taylor loves to sing about boyfriends who are terrible drivers, but this guy takes the prize – he crashes her snowmobile and gets 20 stitches in the hospital. Call a cab, girl.

Best line: "Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying."

108. "Silent Night" (2007)

This bizarre version manages to miss almost every single note in the melody. They sure were in a rush to get this Christmas album out.

Best line: "Shepherds quake at the sight."

107. "Both of Us" With B.o.B (2012)

Nice try at remaking "Airplanes," but that Hayley Williams lightning does not strike twice.

Best line: "Your money's all gone, and you lose your whip."

106. "The Last Time" With Gary Lightbody (2012)

Her duet with the guy from Snow Patrol. Unfortunately, their voices don't mesh at all – what, is he auditioning for a Spandau Ballet tribute band? The funny moment is the très Eighties synth-horn blurp at the three-minute mark.

Best line: "This is the last time I'm asking you this/Put my name at the top of your list."

105. "The Outside" (2006)

Still a rookie, still learning, still trying to get away with "read between the lines" and "the road less traveled by" in the same verse.

Best line: "Nothing ever works the first few times/Am I right?"

104. "Girl at Home" (2012)

A perfunctory cheating-is-bad homily, with barely any chorus.

Best line: "I feel a responsibility/To do what's upstanding and right."

103. "Come in With the Rain" (2008)

She leaves her window open overnight, just in case her ex falls out of a cloud. There's a great "oooh" in the second chorus – one of those moments you can tell she's an Oasis fan. (This song makes you suspect "Don't Look Back In Anger" is a fave.)

Best line: "I could stand up and write you a song/But I don't wanna have to go that far."

102. "Half of My Heart" With John Mayer (2009)

The real prize from his Battle Studies album is "Heartbreak Warfare"; this is lesser J.M., with an underexploited T.S. cameo and an increasingly irritating premise of hearts having fingers, which they don't. No wonder the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

Best line: "Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation."

101. "The Other Side of the Door" (2008)

Again with the slamming doors. Tay Tay – even the great songwriters can get away with exactly one slamming door per career. And just to be on the safe side, she throws in pouring rain, photo albums, a little black dress (which rhymes with "mess" and "confess"), a guy throwing pebbles at her window….In other words, this would be the ultimate Swift song – except there are a hundred better ones.

Best line: "Me and my stupid pride, sitting here alone/Going through the photographs, staring at the phone."

100. "Superman" (2010)

A Lois Lane fantasy, left off Speak Now for good reason.

Best line: "Tall dark and beautiful/He's complicated, he's so irrational."

99. "Cold as You" (2006)

"I start a fight because I need to feel something" – give her credit for honesty, even in this raw phase.

Best line: "Oh, every smile you fake is so condescending."

98. "If This Was a Movie" (2010)

"Good evening, sir. May I help you? You're a guy in a Taylor Swift song who wants to stand outside the window in the pouring rain, begging the love of your life to forgive your sorry ass? Take a number and get in line. No, that line."

Best line: "But I take it all back now!"

97. "Sweeter Than Fiction" (2013)

A warm-up for the synth-pop of 1989, from the One Chancesoundtrack.

Best line: "What a sight when the light came on."

96. "A Perfectly Good Heart" (2006)

"It's not unbroken anymore"? Paging the eminent cardiologist Dr. Toni Braxton.

Best line: "Why would you wanna make the very first scar?/Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

95. "White Christmas" (2007)

Unlike "Silent Night," this was a yuletide carol she could handle, with a straight-down-the-middle country rendition.

Best line: "Where the treetops glisten."

94. "Never Grow Up" (2010)

A folksy fingerpicking change of pace on Speak Now, pining for childhood innocence – though it feels more like a leftover from the debut.

Best line: "You're mortified your mom's dropping you off."

93. "I Don’t Wanna Live Forever" With Zayn Malik (2016)

Neither she nor Zayn sound deeply interested in this dueling-falsettos battle from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack. Maybe it works in the movie, but who wants to go find out? Really, they sound like two ghosts standing in the place of…sorry, sore subject, let's drop it.

Best line: "I've been feeling sad in all the nicest places."

92. "You Are in Love" (2014)

One of her through-the-years romances, this one featuring a snow globe.

Best line: "For once you let go of your fears and your ghosts."

91. "Mary's Song (Oh My My)" (2006)

Another through-the-years romance, but with a sweet homespun touch.

Best line: "I'll be 87, you'll be 89/I'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky."

90. "Highway Don't Care" With Tim McGraw and Keith Urban (2013)

A duet from McGraw's album Two Lanes of Freedom, with a guitar solo from Keith Urban. The plot: His ex is driving away, listening to a Taylor song on the radio, as Tay tries to coax the woman into turning the car around and going home. Perhaps McGraw's finest duet since his great lost Nelly jam, "Over & Over."

Best line: "I bet you're bending God's ear talking 'bout me."

89. "Change" (2008)

Oh, the fall of 2008 – Chuck and Blair were still an item, Suede was killing it on Project Runway, and "Change" was a de facto victory song for Obama, complete with a thumbs-up for "the revolution." Yeah, those were different times.

Best line: "These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down."

88. "Nashville" (2010)

A cover of an obscurity by country singer David Mead, tucked away as a bonus on the Target edition of the Speak Now Tour Live DVD.

Best line: "Was that a blood or wine stain on your wedding dress?"

87. "The Sweet Escape" (2010)

From the same live DVD, a remake of the Gwen Stefani solo hit. Taylor's vocal sure fits the Gwen just-a-girl sensibility.

Best line: "I must apologize for acting stank."

86. "Look What You Made Me Do" (2017)

The reason fans once cared about rap beefs: They inspired great songs, whether it was Queens vs. the Bronx ("The Bridge" vs. "The Bridge Is Over" vs. "Have a Nice Day") or LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe Dee ("How Ya Like Me Now" vs. "Jack the Ripper" vs. "Let's Go" vs. "To Da Break of Dawn"). But this just sounds like a trivial time-waster by her standards – Swift's celebrity feuds are not really one of the hundred most interesting things about her. The main attraction here is the retro Panic! at the Disco vibe. Here's hoping it gets outshined by the rest of Reputation, the way "Shake It Off" was instantly eclipsed by the rest of 1989.

Best line: "It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality." Oh wait – that actually is Panic! at the Disco.

85. "Stay Beautiful" (2006)

An early stab at a take-the-high-road breakup song.

Best line: "He whispers songs into my window."

84. "I Want You Back" (2010)

A live acoustic tribute to the then-recently departed Michael Jackson, with a bit of Motown tremble in her voice.

Best line: "Now it's much too late for me to take a second look."

83. "The Way I Loved You" (2008)

She meets a low-stress boy who doesn't want love to be torture. Alas, this suitor is toast, because he reminds her how much she misses the manic pixie drama vampire she dated before. Sorry, dude – she loves the players, and she loves the game.

Best line: "He respects my space/And never makes me wait."

82. "Thug Story" With T-Pain (2009)

The classic T-Pain and Taylor duet from the 2009 CMT Awards, still T-Swizzle's finest rap performance.

Best line: "No, I never really been in a club/Still live with my parents, but I'm still a thug/I'm so gangsta you can find me baking cookies at night/You out clubbing, but I just made caramel delight."

81. "I Wish You Would" (2014)

One of her many, many songs set at 2 a.m. – clearly the most inspiring hour on Swift Standard Time – with a staccato disco guitar lick.

Best line: "We were a crooked love in a straight line down."

80. "Umbrella" (2008)

The Rihanna hit, briefly covered on the Live in SoHo digital album. Her finest Ri tribute remains her 2011 version of "Live Your Life" with T.I. onstage in Atlanta – sadly unreleased, but a duet that deserves to be enshrined for the ages.

Best line: "Stand under my umbrella, ella, ella."

79. "I Heart ?" (2008)

The trad country sound she soon left behind, from her Beautiful EyesEP.

Best line: "Wake up, and smell the breakup/Fix my heart, put on my makeup."

78. "Breathe" (With Colbie Caillat) (2008)

A gorgeous duet full of low-key nuances – her humming after the first verse, that "sorry, sorry, sorry" fade, the way Colbie's voice lifts hers.

Best line: "It's tragedy, and it'll only bring you down."

77. "The Moment I Knew" (2012)

A somber piano ballad about getting stood up on your 21st birthday.

Best line: "There in the bathroom/I try not to fall apart."

76. "Untouchable" (2008)

A rare case where she retools somebody else's song on one of her proper albums – the all-but-unknown Y2K-era rock band Luna Halo, who went on to open for Hoobastank. Her Fearless version sounds practically nothing like their original (though both name-check .38 Special's Eighties classic "Caught Up in You"). In fact, it's tough to fathom how she heard the original as raw material she could use – now that's ears.

Best line: "In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream/It's like a million little stars spelling out your name."

75. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" With Def Leppard (2008)

She makes a daring leap into the hair-metal mom market by teaming up with Def Leppard on CMT Crossroads, a move that works almost frighteningly well. Peak glam, especially when she asks the gender-torching question, "Demolition woman, can I be your man?"

Best line: "Do you take sugar? One lump or two?"

74. "Christmases When You Were Mine" (2007)

Taylor writes her own ace lovelorn holiday standard, ambushing her ex with one of those squirm-packed Merry-Christmas phone calls. Awkward question: "When you were putting up the lights this year/Did you notice one less pair of hands?" Eat your heart out, Mariah.

Best line: "I bet you got your mom another sweater."

73. "American Girl" (2009)

A bang-up claim on the Tom Petty classic – she used his original as her live entrance music for a while. Then she switched to Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman."

Best line: "Oh yeah! All right!"

72. "Invisible" (2006)

A teen ditty about a boy who doesn't realize she's alive, from pretty much the last moment in history that was possible. Clever pop-obsessive touch: The final steel-guitar twang echoes Elton John's "Rocket Man." If you think that's an accident…this is Planet Tay. There are no accidents.

Best line: "We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible."

71. "Jump Then Fall" (2008)

Ironclad rule of pop music: Songs about jumping are never a bad idea. Dig that "listens to Sublime once" vocal.

Best line: "I watch you talk, you didn't notice."

70. "Breathless" (2010)

Digging deep in the Nineties modern-rock crates, she does right by a previously obscure (to me) nugget from the New Orleans band Better Than Ezra – from 2005!, 10 years after their MTV hit! – as a charity benefit for the Hope for Haiti Now album.

Best line: "I'll never judge you/I can only love you."

69. "Superstar" (2008)

"You smile that beautiful smile, and all the girls in the front row scream your name." No relation to the 1970s Leon Russell ballad immortalized by the Carpenters – except they're both poignant ballads about groupies crushing on distant guitar boys. Well, as Journey warned, lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be.

Best line: "You sing me to sleep every night from the radio."

68. "Crazier" (2009)

Her ballad from Hannah Montana: The Movie, snagging her a cameo in the film. (But the highlight of the soundtrack will always be "Hoedown Throwdown.") This is where Taylor and Miley crossed light sabers – although they'd meet again. Great title, too – even Taylor might probably admit Miley had her beat in this department, at least until the "Blank Space" video.

Best line: "Every sky was your own kind of blue."

67. "Innocent" (2010)

Little-known fact: Did you know Kanye West once went onstage to interrupt Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs and threw a misogynist tantrum about how she didn't deserve an award? Strange but true! "Innocent" was her song publicly forgiving him – seven freaking years ago – then they both released brilliant albums, and we all moved on with our lives. Dear Lord, if only this story had ended there.

Best line: "It's okay/Life is a tough crowd."

66. "Come Back…Be Here" (2012)

A yearning prayer for a rock & roll boy on tour, weak in the knees as she pleads for him to jet back on any terms he chooses.

Best line: "I guess you're in London today."

65. "Tied Together With a Smile" (2006)

An unsung highlight of the debut – a teen pep talk about self-esteem.

Best line: "Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty/Is the face in the mirror looking back at you."

64. "Last Christmas" (2007)

Tay does the Wham! legacy proud – she should have also covered "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." The ache and quaver of her voice fit the George Michael melancholy; this might be the saddest "Last Christmas" since the original. Plenty of us communed with this version last Christmas, the night we said goodbye to the guy who wrote it. R.I.P., George Michael.

Best line: "A girl on a cover, but you tore her apart."

63. "Tell Me Why" (2008)

From Neil Young to the Beatles, "Tell Me Why" songs are tough to screw up, and even at 19, Tay's too seasoned to let that happen.

Best line: "I need you like a heartbeat/But you know you got a mean streak."

62. "Beautiful Eyes" (2008)

If you're a fan of Swift's Nineties modern-rock radio jones – one of her most fruitful long-running obsessions – check out this shameless tribute to the Cranberries. (But did she have to let it linger? Did she have to? Did she have to?)

Best line: "Baby, make me fly."

61. "Everything Has Changed" (2012)

She and Ed Sheeran wrote this duet together in her backyard while bouncing on a trampoline, because of course they did.

Best line: "All I've seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile."

60. "Love Story" (2008)

Romeo meets Juliet: proof that star-crossed teen romances never go out of style. She's kept going back to the well of Shakespearean tragedy, quoting Julius Caesar in the "Look What You Made Me Do" video. It's never been clear what the line "I was a scarlet letter" is doing in this song, but now it's a hint that Tay was just a few years away from going full Hester Prynne in "New Romantics."

Best line: "Just say yes."

59. "Speak Now" (2010)

In real-life weddings, the preacher hardly ever invites the groom's ex up to interrupt the ceremony. But if you're a fan of Tay in stalker mode, this is priceless – crouching behind the curtains in the back of the church, waiting to pounce. "Horrified looks from everyone in the room" – you don't say.

Best line: "It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be."

58. "Shake It Off" (2014)

A clever transitional single – great verses, grating chorus, pithy lyrics with a shout-out to her obvious inspiration, Robyn's "Dancing on My Own." As a lead single, "Shake It Off" might have seemed meager after 1989 came out – she was holding back "Blank Space" and "Style" and (Lord have mercy) "New Romantics" for this? But "Shake It Off" got the job done, serving as a trailer to announce her daring Eighties synth-pop makeover.

Best line: "It's like I got this music in my head, saying it's gonna be all right."

57. "Better Than Revenge" (2010)

One of the basic rules of stardom is "never punch down" – don't go after somebody one-thousandth as famous as you – but rules were made to be broken, and Taylor is the girl made to break them. Here, she goes Bruce Lee on a sexual rival who may or may not be the actress who had Alyssa Milano as her babysitter in the erotic thriller Poison Ivy 2. But as usual with Swift, her self-owns are the funniest part of the song.

Best line: "She thinks I'm psycho because I like to rhyme her name with things."

56. "Welcome to New York" (2014)

People sure do love to complain about this song – in fact, the most authentically New York thing about it is how it sends people into spasms of mouth-foaming outrage. An explicitly queer-positive disco ode to arrivistes stepping out in the city that invented disco – "You can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls" – that will be bugging the crap out of you in rom-coms for years to come. (It made me throw a napkin at my in-flight screen during How to Be Single, when Dakota Johnson's cab is going the wrong way on the Brooklyn Bridge – and I love this song.) Bumped up a few bonus notches for pissing everyone off, since that's one of this girl's superpowers.

Best line: "Searching for a sound we hadn't heard before/And it said welcome to New York."

55. "Drops of Jupiter" (2010)

I mistakenly thought this Train hit was deep-fried garbage until I heard Swift's version and realized, "Hey, she's right – this is the best soy latte I've ever had!" Props to Tay for bringing out the hidden greatness in this song – the stargazing lyrics and her voice go together like Mozart and tae bo. (The astrophysicist in my life would like me to point out that you can't "make it to the Milky Way" because that's the galaxy we already live in. In fact, you couldn't leave the Milky Way if you tried. Science!)

Best line: "Tell me, did Venus blow your mind?"

54. "Haunted" (2010)

Enchanted to meet you, Goth Taylor. We'll meet again.

Best line: "Something keeps me holding on to nothing."

53. "Today Was a Fairy Tale" (2011)

Don't let the title scare you away – it's a plainspoken and genuinely touching play-by-play recap of a worthwhile date. In fact, "Today Was a Fairy Tale" and "If This Was a Movie" should trade titles, since this one feels realer and would make a better movie. It could rank higher, except she hugely improved it when she rewrote it as "Begin Again." (Docked a couple notches for coming from the soundtrack of Valentine's Day, which is the most dog-vomit flick Jessica Alba has ever made, and I say that as someone who paid money to see The Love Guru.)

Best line: "I wore a dress/You wore a dark gray T-shirt."

52. "All You Had to Do Was Stay" (2014)

A 1989 banger that could have made an excellent single – it sounds a bit like "Out of the Woods," except with a livelier chorus and a stormier range of electro-Tay sound effects.

Best line: "Let me remind you that this was what you wanted."

51. "Eyes Open" (2012)

Finally, her long-overdue metal move, from The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond.

Best line: "Every lesson forms a new scar."

50. "Treacherous" (2012)

"Put your lips next to mine/As long as they don't touch" – now there's an entrance line. Taylor braves the ski slopes of love, with a seething acoustic guitar that finally detonates halfway though.

Best line: "Nothing safe is worth the drive."

49. "You Belong With Me" (2008)

One of her most pop-friendly early hits, singing in the role of a high school geek crushing on her best guy friend. When he comes out in college, they'll have a few laughs about this. (And never let us forget the wisdom of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless: "Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."

Best line: "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers/She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers."

48. "I Almost Do" (2012)

A Red slow jam that could have worked even better sped up into a punked-out rocker – though it's plenty affecting as is.

Best line: "Every time I don't, I almost do."

47. "...Ready for It?" (2017)

If by "it" you mean "literally any song that isn't 'Look What You Made Me Do,'" the answer is "extremely ready." A major rebound from her previous release, a week earlier – the chorus of this one actually sounds like a Swift song, with a little air in the mix, giving the room she needs to pull off her intricate breathy effects. Max Martin knows how to shape a production around her voice. A hopeful omen for the rest of Repu TAY shun (hey, I just got that).

Best line: "You can be my jailor/Burton to my Taylor."

46. "Stay Stay Stay" (2012)

"Before you, I only dated self-indulgent takers" – but here she turns into a self-indulgent taker herself and (surprise!) she likes it, a phone-throwing nightmare dressed like a grocery-shopping daydream. She finally meets a guy who can roll with her mood swings – even if she's more in love with the mood swings than with the guy.

Best line: "You came in wearing a football helmet and said, 'Okay, let's talk.'"

45. "Safe and Sound" (2012)

She ventures into rootsy folkie territory on the Hunger Gamessoundtrack, teaming up with the Civil Wars and producer T Bone Burnett, exploring crevices of her voice she hadn't opened up before. Everyone steps out of their comfort zone, and it works. The Swift-Burnett connection raises the question of how long it'll take her to collaborate with Elvis Costello, a songwriter with whom she shares some fascinating affinities. At the very least, Tay should cover "New Lace Sleeves."

Best line: "Don't you dare look out your window, darling/Everything's on fire."

44. "Ronan" (2012)

A little-known charity single for cancer research, unlike anything else in her songbook. She wrote this about Ronan Thompson, a four-year-old Arizona boy who died of neuroblastoma, after she read his mom's blog. She turned the blog entries into a disarmingly eloquent ballad (crediting Maya Thompson as co-writer) and performed "Ronan" at the Stand Up to Cancer benefit. You might expect it to be manipulative and obvious; it isn't.

Best line: "We had our own secret club."

43. "You're Not Sorry" (2008)

A dramatic piano-and-strings ballad from Fearless, showing off how much her voice has deepened between her first two albums.

Best line: "It's taken me this long, baby, but I figured you out."

42. "I Know Places" (2014)

She goes all Kate Bush, pursued across the moors by the hounds of love. This 1989 deep cut is underrated, but count on "I Know Places" to loom large in her canon over the years.

Best line: "My love, they are the hunters, we are the foxes."

41. "Bette Davis Eyes" (2010)

Her kickiest left-field cover, from Speak Now Live. "I'd love to play you some music that I'm a fan of that's come from L.A. – is that OK?" she asks the West Coast crowd, strumming her guitar. "This one came out in 1981 – eight years before I was born!" Virtually nobody seems to recognize it or sing along. Kim Carnes hit Number One with "Bette Davis Eyes," but it was written by the great Jackie DeShannon, the only songwriter to collaborate with both Randy Newman and Jimmy Page. (Page wrote "Tangerine" for DeShannon!) The fact that Swift loves this classic ode to romantic espionage explains a lot.

Best line: "She's pure as New York snow/She's got Bette Davis eyes."

40. "Wonderland" (2014)

Why did it take her five albums to get to Alice in Wonderland? Needless to say, Taylor Alison Swift fits right in on the other side of the looking glass, with white rabbits and Cheshire cats. Feed your head!

Best line: "It's all fun and games till someone loses their mind."

39. "The Lucky One" (2012)

She's so lucky, she's a star. For the record, T.S. did cover "Lucky" live once (and damn well, too), as a Britney tribute in Louisiana back in 2011.

Best line: "It's big black cars and Riviera views/And your lover in the foyer doesn't even know you."

38. "Wildest Dreams" (2014)

You rang, Goth Taylor? At first this might have seemed like a minor pleasure on 1989, but it really sounds stronger and stronger over the years, especially when she hiccups the words "my last request ih-ih-is." The video features giraffes and zebras.

Best line: "He's so tall and handsome as hell/He's so bad, but he does it so well."

37. "White Horse" (2008)

Teen Romantic Tay meets Bitter Adult Tay in a superbly disenchanted breakup ballad that gives up on princesses and fairy tales.

Best line: "I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet/Lead up the stairwell."

36. "Starlight" (2012)

"Oh my, what a marvelous tune" seems like a dauntingly quaint chorus, yet she makes it stick, in what sounds like an F. Scott Fitzgerald-themed whirlwind romance. That hook comes straight from the AC/DC playbook (specifically, the opening lines of "You Shook Me All Night Long") – the sign of a truly sick pop scholar.

Best line: "We snuck into a yacht-club party/Pretending to be a duchess and a prince."

35. "Picture to Burn" (2006)

The dawn of Petty AF Tay, as she serves her ex beatdown threats. Every boy who ever complained when Taylor wrote about him – this is where you officially got fair warning.

Best line: "Let me strike a match on all my wasted time."

34. "Forever and Always" (2008)

She added this to Fearless at the last minute – just what the album needed. It's a blast of high-energy JoBro-baiting aggro on her most anomalously shade-free album. "It rains in your bedroom" is a very on-brand Tay predicament.

Best line: "Did I say something too honest? Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?"

33. "Back to December" (2010)

One of the rare ballads where she goes crawling back to an ex she treated like dirt – and she's surprisingly effective in the role. Although breaking into the guy's house is a little extreme. (If she's blocked by the chain on his door, that means she already picked the lock, right?) And sorry, but you're seriously dreaming if you think I'm bothering to Google the name of that Twilight guy, don't @ me.

Best line: "It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you."

32. "The Best Day" (2008)

Her tribute to Mama Swift. A weapons-grade tearjerker and not to be trifled with in a public place. NSFW, unless you are a professional crier.

Best line: "You were on my side/Even when I was wrong."

31. "The Story of Us" (2010)

You could credit this hit with single-handedly driving John Mayer out of the pop heartthrob business and into the Grateful Dead – which is just one of the things to love about it. Along with the Joey Ramone-style way she says, "Next chapter!"

Best line: "See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy."

30. "How You Get the Girl" (2014)

She busts out her trusty acoustic guitar, teardrop stains and all, just to turn it into a beatbox.

Best line: "Stand there like a ghost shaking in the rain/She'll open up the door and say 'Are you insane?'"

29. "Hey Stephen" (2010)

Loaded with classic girl-group flourishes, right from the opening "Be My Baby" drum beat. Plus, it begins and ends with her finest humming solos. If she wanted to hum on every song, she could make that work.

Best line: "All those other girls, well, they're beautiful/But would they write a song for you?"

28. "Should've Said No" (2006)

A pissed-off highlight of the debut, with an Oasis-worthy chorus. Savor the perfect Liam Gallagher way she milks the vowels of "begging for forgiveness at my fee-ee-eet."

Best line: "It was a moment of weakness, and you said yes."

27. "Last Kiss" (2010)

Toward the end of Speak Now, when you're already wrung out from sad songs and begging for mercy, this six-minute quasi-doo-wop ballad creeps up on you to inflict more punishment. One of those flawless Nathan Chapman productions – so sparse, so delicate, flattering every tremor of her voice.

Best line: "I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did."

26. "Teardrops on My Guitar" (2006)

One of her defining early smashes – and the one that marked her crucial crossover to the minivan-mom adult audience, where country stars do most of their business. It also inspired the first anti-Taylor answer song – Joe Jonas sang, "I'm done with superstars/And all the tears on her guitar" in 2009, on the JoBros' instantly forgotten Lines, Vines and Trying Times.

Best line: "Drew walks by me/Can he tell that I can't breathe?"

25. "Sad Beautiful Tragic" (2012)

She must have heard a Mazzy Star song on the radio that morning and thought, "Hey, this sounds like fun." All the details are in place, from her woozy Hope Sandoval mumble to the way Nathan Chapman nails Sandoval's exact tambourine sound. Such an underrated Red gem, one she's almost never done live. Would any other songwriter on Earth have the sheer gall to get away with that title? Let's hope nobody tries.

Best line: "You've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me."

24. "Mine" (2010)

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" is one of those hooks where she seems to cram a whole life story into one line.

Best line: "I was a flight risk with a fear of falling."

23. "This Love" (2014)

A meditative 1989 nocturne – half acoustic introspection, half electro reverie – as she genuflects in the midnight hour.

Best line: "I could go on and on/And I will."

22. "22" (2012)

Approximately 22,000 times more fun than actually being 22. The best song about turning the double deuce since Neil Young's "Powderfinger," if not the Stratford 4's "Telephone," it's also her first shameless disco trip, with that Nile Rodgers-style guitar flash. But the power move is that "uh oh" into the chorus – the oldest trick in the book, except she makes it sound brand new every time.

Best line: "This place is too crowded, too many cool kids."

21. "Mean" (2010)

A banjo-core Tay-visceration of people who are mean, liars, pathetic, and/or alone in life, including the ones who live in big old cities. Always a concert highlight, showcasing her murderers' row of a band, the Agency.

Best line: "Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing."

20. "I Knew You Were Trouble" (2012)

It slams like a lost Blondie hit, from somewhere between Parallel Lines and Eat to the Beat. The way she sings the word "drown-i-i-i-ing" alone makes it.

Best line: "He was long gone when he met me/And I realize the joke is on me."

19. "Tim McGraw" (2006)

We knew she was trouble when she walked in – or at least we should have guessed from her debut single. You couldn't make this up – a nervy high school kid shows up with a country ballad she whipped together after math class one day, about slow dancing in the moonlight to the pickup truck radio: "When you think Tim McGraw/I hope you think of me." Within a couple of years, she's an even bigger star than McGraw is.

Best line: "He said the way my blue eyes shined/Put those Georgia pines to shame that night/I said, 'That's a lie.'"

18. "Style" (2014)

Not always a subtle one, our Tay. This extremely 1986-sounding synth-pop groove is full of hushed-breath melodrama, where even the guy taking off his coat can feel like a plot twist. (Why would he keep his coat on? This is his apartment.) And the long-running songwriting badminton between her and Harry Allegedly is pop call-and-response the way it ought to be – no matter how much misery it might bring into their personal lives, for the rest of us it means one great tune after another. (Yeah, OK, plus the one about the snowmobile.)

Best line: "You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye/And I got that red lip classic thing that you like."

17. "State of Grace" (2012)

She opens Red with one of her grandest love songs in arena-rock drag, and the U2 vibe makes sense since she's also got a red guitar and the truth. If "State of Grace" is her U2 song, what's the U2 song that sounds most like Taylor? Probably "All I Want Is You," though you could make a strong case for "A Sort of Homecoming."

Best line: "Up in your room and our slates are clean/Twin fire signs, four blue eyes."

16. "Sparks Fly" (2010)

"Drop everything now! Meet me in the pouring rain!" Oh, this girl loves her precipitation scenes, but "Sparks Fly" really brings the thunder. It shows off her uncanny power to make a moment sound gauchely private and messily public at the same time. (The new Waxahatchee album has another excellent song called "Sparks Fly" – no relation.)

Best line: "Just keep on keeping your eyes on me."

15. "Fifteen" (2008)

"In your life you'll do bigger things than date the boy on the football team/I didn't know that at 15." Still south of her twenties, she sings her compassionately, sisterly yet hardass advice to her fellow teenage girls. (Spoiler: Boys are always lying about everything.)

Best line: "We both cried."

14. "Ours" (2010)

Like so many of her songs, "Ours" sounds like it could be channeling the 16-blue mojo of the Replacements' punk-rock bard Paul Westerberg. (Melodically, it evokes "When It Began," though it feels more like "I Will Dare.") Especially the best line, which is possibly the best-est "best line" on this list, and which I sing to myself a mere dozen times a day.

Best line: "Don't you worry your pretty little mind/People throw rocks at things that shine."

13. "Begin Again" (2012)

"You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you," indeed. Sweet Baby Tay drops a deceptively simple ballad that sneaks up and steamrolls all over you, as an unmelodramatic coffee date leads to an unmelodramatic emotional connection. She's always been outspoken about her mad love for her namesake JT and Carly Simon, but "Begin Again" could be the finest collabo they never wrote.

Best line: "You don't know why I'm coming off a little shy/But I do."

12. "Fearless" (2008)

Oh, Fearless, it's easy to take you for granted sometimes. The first time I heard her sophomore record (the record company literally played it over the phone for me because they were so afraid of it leaking) I thought, "Holy cats, this is a perfect pop album. She'll never top this." Then she topped it three times in a row, to the point where it's one of history's most curiously overlooked perfect pop albums. The title anthem gathers so many of her favorite tropes in one chorus – rain, cars, fancy dresses, boys who stare at her while driving instead of watching the damn road, shy girls posing as brave and faking it till they make it – and builds up to a swoon.

Best line: "You're so cool, run your hands through your hair/Absent-mindedly making me want you."

11. "Enchanted" (2010)

The moment where this bittersweet symphony leaps from a nine to a 10 comes at the 4:25 point, when it feels like the song has reached its logical conclusion, until the Interior Monologue Voice-Over Taylor beams in to whisper: "Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you." In the final seconds, for the coup de grace, she duets with herself.

Best line: "The lingering question kept me up at 2 a.m./Who do you love?"

10. "Our Song" (2006)

The hit that made me a Swift fan, the first moment I heard it in 2007 – it knocked me sideways in the middle of lunch. (The CW played it as interstitial music between afternoon reruns of the Clueless sitcom and What I Like About You.) "Our song is a slamming screen door," what a genius hook. I Googled to see who wrote this; it turned out the songwriter was also the singer and – how strange – she was just starting out. I hoped she might have at least another great tune or two in her. This song and that voice have kept slamming those screen doors ever since.

Best line: "We're on the phone, and you talk reeeeeal slow/'Cause it's late and your mama don't know."

9. "Red" (2012)

The mission statement for Red, this century's most ridiculously masterful megapop manifesto. Eurodisco plus banjos – the glitter-cowgirl totality Shania Twain spent years trying to perfect, with a color-tripping lyric worthy of Prince himself, faster than the wind, passionate as sin. Plus, her all-time gnarliest pileup of Swiftian metaphors. (Nitpick: What kind of crossword puzzle has no right answer? What self-respecting puzzlemaster would sign off on that?)

Best line: "Lovin' him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street."

8. "Clean" (2014)

Love is the drug. "Clean" is the stark synth-folk ballad of an infatuation junkie struggling through some kind of detox, with a big assist from Imogen Heap. An intense finale for the all-killer homestretch of 1989.

Best line: "Ten months sober, I must admit/Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

7. "Holy Ground" (2012)

Nobody does zero-to-60 emotional peel outs like our girl, and "Holy Ground" is her equivalent of Evel Knievel jumping the Snake River Canyon. Note the sly brilliance of how she steals that Eighties guitar riff from none other than Billy Idol, making this her "White Wedding" as well as her "Rebel Yell." (Though the lyrics are about dancing with herself.) A highlight on the Red tour, showcasing Tay's drum-solo skills.

Best line: "Hey, you skip the conversation when you already know."

6. "Dear John" (2010)

A slow-burning, methodical, precise, savage dissection of a failed quasi-relationship, with no happy ending, no moral, no solution, not even a lesson learned – just a bad memory filed away. "Dear John" might sound like she's spontaneously pouring her heart out, but it takes one devious operator to make a song this intricate feel that way. ("You're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry and never impressed by me acing your tests" – she makes all that seem like one gulp of breath.) Every line stings, right down to the end when she switches from "I should have known" to "You should have known."

Best line: "I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town."

5. "We Are Never Getting Back Together" (2012)

Like, ever. Her funniest breakup jam, because it's her most self-mocking. She could have made the guy in this song a shady creep—a cheater, a liar, a scarf-stealer, etc. But, no, he's just a needy little run-of-the-mill basket case, exactly like her, making the same complaints about her to his own bored friends, though his complaints can't be as catchy as this chorus. And the video is a gem, especially when she's wearing the Tay Is Seriously Mad Now glasses. Where is that indie-rock bar that still has a pay phone?

Best line: "I mean, I'm just like, this is exhausting, OK?

4. "Blank Space" (2014)

A double-venti celebration of serial monogamy for Starbucks lovers everywhere, as Tay zooms through the whole cycle – the high, the pain, the players, the game, magic, madness, heaven, sin. Every second of "Blank Space" is perfect, from the pen clicks to the "nasss-taaaay-scarrr" at the end. The high might not be worth the pain, but this song is.

Best line: "Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

3. "Long Live" (2010)

This is her "Common People," her "Born to Run," her "We Are the Champions." An arena-slaying rock anthem to cap off Speak Now, for an ordinary girl who suddenly gets to feel like she rules the world for a minute or two. "Long Live" could be a gang of friends, a teen couple at the prom, a singer addressing her audience. But like so many songs on Speak Now, her secret prog album, it reaches a point where it feels like it's over and Tay's bringing it in for a landing, except that's when the song gets twice as good. In the final verse, she makes a gigantic mess. (Actual lyric: "Promise me this/That you'll stand by me forever." WTF, girl, you were doing so well there.) Yet that's the moment that puts "Long Live" over the top – a song nobody else could have written, as she rides those power chords home. That's Taylor: always overdoing it, never having one feeling where six would do. Long live.

Best line: "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

2. "New Romantics" (2014)

The way Taylor exhales at the end of the line "I'm about to play my ace-aaah" is perhaps the finest moment in the history of human lungs. "New Romantics" is where she takes the Eighties synth-pop concept of 1989 to the bank, with a mirror-ball epiphany that leaves tears of mascara all over the dance floor. She tips her cap to the arty poseurs of the 1980s New Romantic scene – Duran Duran, Adam Ant, the Human League, etc. – yet sounds exactly like her own preposterously emotional self. (One of my weirdest moments of recent years: explaining this song's existence to the guys in Duran Duran.) "New Romantics" is hardly the first time she's sung about crying in the bathroom, but it's the one that makes crying in the bathroom sound like a bold spiritual quest, which (when she sings about it) it is. The punch line: Having written this work of genius, exceeding even the wildest hopes any fan could have dreamed, she left it off the damn album, a very New Romantic thing to do.

Best line: "We show off our different scarlet letters/Trust me, mine is better."

1. "All Too Well" (2012)

So casually cruel in the name of being awesome. This towering ballad is Swift's zenith, building to peak after peak. For "All Too Well," she teams up with her trustiest collaborators – songwriting sensei Liz Rose, producer Nathan Chapman – to spin a tragic tale of doomed love and scarves and autumn leaves and maple lattes. It's full of killer moments: the way she sings "refrigerator," the way she spits out the consonants of "crumpled-up piece of paper," the way she chews up three "all"s in a row. No other song does such a stellar job of showing off her ability to blow up a trivial little detail into a legendary heartache. (That scarf should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, though in a way it already is.) You can schaeden your freude all over the celebrity she reputedly sings about, but on the best day of your life you will never inspire a song as great as "All Too Well." Or write one.

Best line: "Maybe we got lost in translation/Maybe I asked for too much/Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up/Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well."

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