#(Believe it or not I have a second TAZ filk that I have zero memory of writing)

[polydreamusfilk]

“Never Use A Grand Relic”

Instructions for All Members of The Bureau of Balance to the tune of Fantasy Frank Hayes’s “Never Set The Cat on Fire”

Lyrics and notes under the cut! Sincere and special thanks to @astriiformes and @scribefindegil for inspiring me to write this several years ago!

Never use a Grand Relic, you only will regret it!

The victory will be pyrrhic, you surely won't forget it!

At no point should you use the mitten, stone, chalice or ribbon

No, never use a Grand Relic!

[Refrain: Mind your orders, like the wizard fighter and cleric,

and never use a Grand Relic!]

Don't use the Phoenix-Fire Gauntlet, you'll just burn yourself out!

You'll wind up like a comet, it'll end badly without a doubt!

If Phandalin gets turned to glass, everyone involved will pass!

Don't use the Phoenix-Fire Gauntlet!

[Refrain]

Don't try on the Oculus, your tie's already rocking!

The accessory will be superfluous, the Boys will keep a'mocking!

If you get thrown from a train, you'll only have yourself to blame!

Don't try on the Oc-cu-lus!

    [Refrain]

Don't dare put on the Gaia Sash, you'll only hurt your girlfriend!

You're acting pretty rash, things won't turn how you intend!

Though it seems you can't be beat, sooner or later you'll take the heat!

Don't dare put on the Gaia Sash!

[Refrain]

Don't disturb the Philosopher's Stone, or you'll cross The Director!

Your lab/the world will turn to a crystal zone, you really ought to respect her!

This whole thing has gone off track, and it won't bring your mother back!

Don't disturb the Philosopher's Stone!

[Refrain]

Don���t reach for the Temporal Chalice, or time itself will be rewound!

Even if it’s not from malice, to an hour’s loop you will be bound!

Refuge will be turned to rubble, until someone can burst the bubble!

Don’t reach for the Temporal Chalice!

[Refrain]

Don't try and ring the Animus Bell, or you’ll have to give up all you’ve got!

It’ll be your own death knell, and that’ll make everything all for naught!

Wonderland is quite a trap, and what you give up you can’t get back!

Don’t try and ring the Animus Bell!

[Refrain]

Don't touch The Director's white-oak staff, it could be very dangerous!

Whatever you do won’t be worth the laugh, it might even be traitorous!

The battle is not yet won, and...Lu-Lucretia, what have you done?

Don't join an interplanar mission!

[Refrain]

I can’t believe I finally have this done! I started writing it years ago, thought about doing something different and ambitious with the Temporal Chalice verse, then completely forgot it existed. Which...now that I think about it, is fitting for a TAX filk. I still have fond memories of tapping rhythms between classes and trawling through Rhymezone, though! I finally remembered it existed around the start of summer(?) after a filksing, but only figured out how to post it recently! I think it turned out pretty alright for my first filksong! Enjoy!