#((tried to make something concrete out of this since I figured we needed a good chase scene to jump right in))

[viviskull]

@captainseamech liked for a closed starter with the Transformer Gang!

Under dawning moonlight, where most of the neighboring creatures of the vast, lush forest were gently settling down for the coming night, V V never in all of her everlasting cycles thought she’d be spinning her burdening wheels as fast as they could possibly go.  These things were only ever made to last her the occasional dash before it’d start to bite into her own energy reserves, its battery often needing the occasional self recharge with how old its last owner had abused it to its short spark life.  Yet she couldn’t think of the consequences right now, not when just on her tail another giant bot she had never seen before was giving chase to capture her for questioning.  The ground shook with every thunderous stomp, scaring off animals that darted away in a hurry with a fright.  Maybe even just as frightened as the young vessel was.

She only meant to wander on her own to collect some bits of sand from the nearby beach.  Her companions thought it would’ve been a good idea to heat some up to make some glass, if only to fix the minor crack in her clear torso visor she had gotten in an accidental fall; for her frame wasn’t as well built in its center than it were for the rest of her fortified figure.  Archie thought she’d be fine to do this one task on her own, knowing they were the only beings that seemed to reside in the widespread forest they’ve been camping in, if only to encourage her to get some fresh air without their Spirit Finder often breathing down her neck.  Yet while the sand was already itchy enough being piled up in her spark chamber when her hands couldn’t carry the stuff over the long distance back to the campsite, she should’ve been smarter to bring a bowl than open it up; just for it to scream out its signal for any person to hear from a distance.  Normally any of the bizarre creatures they’ve encountered often didn’t react to the sounds of it, not even the fleshy bipedals that seemed to run from her whenever the trio rarely came across those, too.

But who would’ve known someone was hiding in the water though?  Much less hear the whispering tune her spark sang in constant?  She didn’t know why it caused many to chase her, yet she only knew most presumably wanted her energon to be spilled.

The wheel’s spinning belt kept on screeching in protest with trying to keep the bot at an even pace with her zooming through the trees, even struggling to swivel around the giant trunks as rocks in her path jumped about at the impact of her speed.  The small blue bot wasn’t much bigger than the average motorcon, and maybe couldn’t outrun most if she’d been scampering out in the open.  But with the trees as her only cover, in the hopes to keep the chasing giant from wanting to tangle themselves in all these branches, all she could do was run.  She was still too far from her only friends to call out for help.  Would screaming be much of an option if they were too far to hear her?  Startled crows cry out as the swarm of them fly about in confusion at the sudden disturbance of trees being parted in pursuit.  Where could she hide, where could she hide?!

[terry-perry]

okay I need some more alastor x Carmella’s daughter!

can we have an imagine this time of that situation?

A Business Proposal

“First the Princess of Hell, and now you've gone for one of Carmine's brats? You really have no shame, do you Alastor?"

Right on cue, Vox was ready to confront Alastor after the last Overlord gathering, not caring that everyone was still around to watch. It was just like the Vees to want an audience. Had it been anyone else, Alastor would've torn the obnoxious picture box to shreds and have his torment recorded for his next show. Vox wasn't worth the effort, however. In fact, Alastor knew of a better way to destroy him.

"My friend, there's no need for such jealousy," he started with the nonchalant tone he knew drove Vox crazy. "It's not my fault my natural charisma led to such powerful allies while all you can conjure up are underlings who do nothing more than feed your fragile ego."

That certainly struck a nerve since Vox began to grind his teeth as his stare grew more intense. Alastor simply stayed calm as he subtly carried a tone of smugness. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have lunch with my lady love, whom you will not disrespect again," This was the only time he chose to strike actual fear in Vox's heart as he switched to his Radio Demon persona by darkening his eyes and letting his figure grow into a form that better radiated evil. "Not unless you wish to be a new voice for my broadcast..."

Vox could only stare in bewildered silence as Alastor threatened him. The jab was bad enough, but the last statement stunned him enough to merely nod.

"Darling?" A third voice that differed with its femininity and lack of intensity came through. "Ready to go?" Y/N asked her boyfriend, bearing no mind that he was in almost full demon mode.

Alastor snapped his head around in her direction, calming down instantly. He supposed he made his point, and he was rather famished.

"Ready as always, my dear!" He replied, offering his arm to her which she happily accepted. "I know a lovely little bistro that serves excellent venison."

They walked past the still-emasculated Vox who was doing his best to refrain from buffering.

"Always fun catching up with you, old friend!"

----

Alastor would be lying if he said he wasn't caught off guard by Carmilla's sudden invitation to her home. She may have been Y/N's mother, but he rarely interacted with her sans a few polite greetings whenever they saw one another. According to Y/N, she did approve of him, it was just hard to gather since for every jovial "Hello!" he'd give her, she'd return with a small nod and acknowledging hum. It could be rather off-putting for someone like Alastor who thrived on other's reactions to all he did.

Some feared him, which always brought a certain giddiness within him that bordered on titillating. Some believed they could outmatch him in the battle of wits, which he was always ready for with a good put-down.

Months ago there was that precious giggle his dearest Y/N let out to alert him that she carried a torch for him. He knew right away that was something he could use to his advantage. Working with the heir to Hell's throne was already advantageous, but being involved with one of the daughters of an Overlord with the largest assembly of weapons in the city was something that could make his position all the more concrete. Pestering gnats like the Vees, even with their childish disrespect, knew opportunities like this don't just come every day. It was most likely why Vox tried to provoke him like he did.

So this was why Alastor had to be sure he had Carmilla's approval since it would cement him further in his current position. For someone who believed a smile could go a long way in keeping many guessing, he was certainly thrown off his game by her lack of expression. He could only hope this invite to whatever this was could keep things favorable for him.

Alastor was welcomed in by no one as the door opened on its own like always. He stepped into a large sitting room which contrasted with the one at the hotel as the latter was bright and rather tacky. The Carmine household was more gloomy, yet rather welcoming. He thought it was because the room he was directed to had walls completely covered in books. No doubt his bookish Y/N inhabited this room often, having the habit of sticking her nose in one. Currently, however, sat her mother in an armchair, staring passively at him like always.

"Alastor," Carmilla greeted him, waving him forward. "Glad you came. Please sit."

She gestured him to a sofa next to her seat that he accepted, along with the glass of bloodred wine she offered. Sadly it was just that - wine. It will have to do.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here so unexpectedly, without Y/N," she began, all business and direct, as always.

"If this is about my altercation with Vox this morning, I apologize," he said. He wasn't really sorry for putting the noisy picture box in his place, but whatever kept him in Carmilla's good graces. "As you know, he's an old acquaintance of mine. Things between us can get rather-"

She held up her hand to stop him before taking a sip of her wine. "That's not why I called you here. I've learned not to pay the Vees any mind long ago. No, I wish to speak to you about your relationship with Y/N."

At this, he kept his smile intact as always, but it held a certain wariness, a curiosity. He hoped she couldn't tell how he was preparing himself for whatever she could mean. She sat further back in her seat, studying him it seemed. When he chose to stay quiet, she continued. "I understand you're a busy person, as am I, so I'll do us both a favor and jump right to what I wish to discuss," without hesitation, she did just that. "I want you to marry Y/N."

Alastor could barely cover how he winced at that - the static emanating from him didn't help. Even with all the theories he conjured for this meeting, he didn't imagine this.

Carmilla must've noticed how she caught him by surprise since this was the first time he saw her look amused at the situation. She seemed to want to play with him since she took her time with her next sip before deciding to reassure him. "This doesn't need to happen any time soon," she said. "I don't expect you to get engaged tomorrow. I only want to give you my blessing if that's where you two end up. I find it beneficial for you to know beforehand because you're a businessman before anything else. You won't do anything unless you know it'll benefit you. It's why you're with my daughter in the first place, right?"

Well, there was no use denying it, so Alastor shrugged. The wariness, however, remained. "Y/N is quite a lovely lady with a certain sweetness and intelligence that I find endearing. If she so happens to come with a powerful family, then who am I to not want to get closer to someone who can mean a lot to me?"

Carmilla once more studied him stoically, which had Alastor's wide grin falter. "If I were in you, I'd do the same, I suppose. Which is why I know you'll continue to treat her well. You'll continue to meet her, talk with her, and if it gets to that point, marry her. If not, you'll go about your business like nothing. You're smart enough to know that you should treat this like any other transaction. If any issues, deal with me. Are we clear?"

Oh, she was making this too easy. Alastor almost wanted to let out a cackle of triumphant laughter. Had she stuck out her hand to shake he would have. For now, he'd settle for the clinking of glasses that signified a toast.

One marriage, coming up!

[sturniolo04]

The Confession 1 C.S.

Fwb!Mean!Chris x Fwb!Fem!Reader

A/N: I tried something different :)

*Really long you have been warned.

I dont even know how I ended up in this position. One minute my best friend Madi thinks she likes both Matt and Chris and the next she is 100% Matt. Me and Madi are super close I mean we practically grew up together and when we met the triplets in Boston everything changed, our circle grew just a little bit bigger. Lately, I haven't been the best friend to Madi just because I have been neglecting to confess to her about my secret crush on Chris and I am not the type to run over her if she knows she likes Chris because who am I to tell her she can't like him especially since I haven't told her that I did.

its about 1:50 in the morning and by this time Madi had walked all the way to a park and found a bench to sit and bawl her eyes out she couldnt figure out why she was feeling this bad whether it was that she couldnt articulate how she hurt Matt and Chris or if it is was because she cant choose between chris and matt she knows them both equally for a long time. sighing looking down at her phone finally deciding to call the one person she knew is always there. Holding in my tears as the dial tone rings hoping she wasnt asleep yet.

"Hello Madi"

jess speaks into the phone

"Jess"

she states through choked tears

"Madi what's going on love what happened" 

"i messed up really bad and i dont know what to do"

she exclaims letting her tears fall

"Madi"

"I like chris and matt and ive might have messed up our friendship"

"no madi you didnt okay i promise you didnt they are still your friends and they love you"

you quickly reply feeling that heavy feeling in your chest again as she still thinks she like chris.

"i dont know"

she replies through a fit of tears

"its okay promise try to get some sleep and you will feel so much better tomorrow i promise"

you reply reassuring her.

"okay goodnight"

she sniffles out

"goodnight i will see you when you get back home "

she hung up from jess and sighed out once more calming her nerves proceeding to walk back to the house. as she made her way into the driveway sitting back on the concrete driveway where the night officially started 

"MADI"

you exclaim softly seeing her sitting on the driveway

"hi"

she replies quietly as she turns around to look at you

"i was so worried are you okay"

you ask again.

"im sorry"

you sigh squatting down and hugging her then sitting down next to her

"i fucked things up didnt i"

she huffs out

"what no well i mean chris and matt are not speaking to each other currently but i mean whats new"

you sigh out since madi basically confessed to both of them on the same night and them both finding out in this driveway tonight.

" but it was my fault im the reason they are mad at each other"

"no no youre not okay they are just being them okay they will grow up"

you reassure her

"but i mean i told you had feelings for chris too"

you state smirking trying to shake the heavy feeling in her stomach at that sentence.

"jesss"

"you know i love you"

you say side hugging her

'well im going to bed you think youre going to be okay"

"yeah thanks j" 

"okay"

you say standing up and walking back into the house as madi rests her head on her arms positioned on top of her knees as someone comes and sits next to her quietly

"hi matt"

she speaks softly out noticing his presence

"hey"

"im sorry"

"why you were just being honest" 

he sighs out

"i do really like you" 

she confesses again

"no madi you and chris are perfect and honestly it makes he was at least able to communicate how he feels about you without being oblivious about it im not the one you need madi you are way out of my league and im okay with that honestly"

he sighs out rambling

"what the actual fuck matt stop youre  out of my league why do you just automatically assume your not good enough" 

she exclaims frustrated standing up and wrapping the blanket you had brought her getting upset

"madi no youre not out of league okay just stay"

he says pulling her hand down a little as she sighs and sits back down as matt pulls me into him connecting our lips guiding her on his lap in the process. He tangled his fingers through her messy hair as he continue to make out with her. Her hands wrapped around his neck tightly as he stood up carrying her back into the house. shepulled away quickly he closed the door behind them and set her back on her feet.

"Matt if-if"

she trails of whispering

"wait"

he stops her as he pulls his and her shoes off leaving them downstairs as he swiftly picks her up again by her thighs taking her upstairs to her room quietly being sure not wake up anyone especially Chris. Matt leans back in after setting her on her bad standing in between her legs attempting to connect their lips again but madi halted him in the process.

"matt..seriously come on"

she giggles out as he sighs out stares at her as she bites her lip slowly.

"yes madi you were saying"

he chuckles out

"matt if- if we do this"

she trails off motions towards them

"no one can know yet"

"okay"

he kind of chuckles at the concept

"im serious matt"

she exhales out looking at him as his face softens at her response

"at least until i figure out how to tell" 

"chris"

"yeah because"

"i know i know"

he sighs out moving himself from in between her to next to her laying on her bed. 

"jess' mom might be coming to boston"

"what that so cool"

"yeah she called her when i walked off tonight"

"oh" 

"yeah"

"well im going to go"

he states standing up

"where"

she states worried

"dont worry just in the other room with chris maybe so you can get some sleep"

he chuckles out giving madi a forehead kiss as he walks out of her room.

Madi wakes up the next morning mentally face palming herself considering well she basically made out with Matt after literally confessing to both brothers she has feelings for them. she rolled out of bed hoping everything will return to normal. she shower and put on this And head downstairs to be met with the face of the one and only

"good morning"

"whats up how are you feeling"

"better just like jess said"

"jess"

"i talked to her last night after everything"

"oh okay hey madi listen forget everything i said last night i was just being stupid it was nothing"

he states quickly realizing he also confessed that he liked you.

"chris i dont think it was nothing you dont have to lie about it"

"no im being for real"

"christopher"

"what im serious"

"okay then sound cool"

she states heading back upstairs

"where are you going"

"to wake up matt and everyone else"

Chris couldnt understand why he said that he literally let her get away again. His thoughts were soon interrupted the sound of jess's doorbell ringing. He went over and opened the door to reveal

"oh hi there i was- where is jess"

jess mom trails off

"she's upstairs um"

he trailed off kind of awkwardly since he had no idea that this jess's mom as what sounded like jess's laugh approaching the bottom of the stair case. I turned to see jess walking down with Nick and Madi being carried down the stairs by matt. the lady at the door cleared her throat as they all snapped out of their trance looking in that direction

"Mom"

she exclaims running over and hugging her

"mom"

Chris questions

"yeah.. mom this is chris, matt, nick and then you remember madi"

she trails off as chris waves his hand

"Hi you all"

she says with a raised eyebrow smiling

"jess; mom"

she exlcaims hugging her after jess

"hey madi"

"when did you get here" 

madi asks her

"last night when jess called"

Madi looks over at jess standing next to her as she shrugs her shoulders a little not wanting to talk about last night at all due to the fact she still felt the pit in her stomach of guilt of even allowing herself the like chris and not trust madi enough to even tell her that you liked him.

"so mom do you want to come on in then"

she states as madi and her both step aside to let her in

"how long are you going to be here for"

"just the weekend"

"maybe we can all go somewhere and just hang out for a little bit maybe grab dinner does that sound good guys"

she asks everyone

"im fine with that"

nick agrees nodding his head

"mom"

you question her

"sure plus i want to see all there is about Boston since this is my first time up here"

"well the triplets can definitely help point out those key spots since they've grown up here"

"literally"

chris chuckles out admiring jess' laugh slightly

"cool so do want me to ride with you"

"umm.. im going to ride with jess and her mom is that okay"

"uh yeah of course" 

madi and you grab your shoes and they all head out the door.

"soo"

she trails off looking the mirror at the two girls in the backseat of the car

"what's going on with you and Matt Madi"

"uhh"

" yeah i was going to ask about that i mean i knew you guys made up because i saw him come outside after i left you after you came back home"

"umm i dont know what you guys are talking about"

"are you sure because i remember clearly you being carried down the stairs by him this morning"

"in a skirt too at that madii"

you exclaim dragging out the 'i' in your best friend's name

"oh come on what is that suppose to mean just because we made up doesn't mean we are dating"

"so your telling me he hasnt tried to make a move on you after everything that happened yesterday evening"

she asks as madi kind of stares off into space getting flashbacks to last night of literally her and matt making out in her driveway

"oh my god he totally did didnt he"

"what no jess no" 

"madi"

jess's mom exclaims trying to get an answer out of her

"OKAY maybe we might have made out in the driveway at like 2 in the morning"

"MADISON"

you exclaim at your best friend with your jaw dropped

"what i mean its wasnt like terrible"

she shyly replies.

"that you made out with your bestfriend the best friend you liked for literally ever or that he was actually good at making out"

"OH MY GOODNESS"

madi exclaims embarrassed

" just asking"

"OH MY GOD NO"

"it was definitely the second option"

you giggle out

"shut up Jess"

she exclaims pushing some of her hair behind her ear opening her phone

"just make sure you do and know what your heart wants madi" 

"of course always"

Taglist

@dirtylittleheart333 @stayingstromboli @wh0resstuff @mintsturniolo @spicymuffins03 @emely9274

[draconicsparkle]

So @snivyartjpeg shared their warmup doodles in the discord server of a kokolight vampire au. And I swear, as soon as I saw it, my brain instantly desired to make something based off of it. How could I not?

Not much to say on this honestly. I just wanted to write something fun based on the cute doodles! So enjoy!

Vampires existed. They lived and breathed in the same world as humans. That was an undeniable fact. Yakou knew this and accepted this.

But what he had not expected was for one of his own employees to be one.

His first clue had been a few bloody tissues left in the trash can. As far as he knew, no one had been having intense nosebleeds aside from possibly Desuhiko. But no clients had come to the agency and no… magazines were here. So the possibility of the disguise detective being the bleeder was minimal.

So at that point, he tried to subtly observe his employees a little more.

He instantly ruled Fubuki out as the one hiding their true status, as she couldn’t lie to save her life. Desuhiko was ruled out too, as he was not very good at convincing. So he surely wouldn’t have been able to talk someone into providing blood. And Yuma? Obviously not, as the small rookie detective couldn’t hurt a fly.

Which left two contenders. Halara and Vivia.

This was where the search got a little more difficult. Those two were incredibly guarded individuals, not letting much slip past their walls. They could keep secrets no problem, and their poker faces were solid.

But after some watching, Yakou thought he nailed it down.

Vivia Twilight.

It seemed obvious once he connected the dots. The man always appeared to be sleeping during the day, as vampires were typically nocturnal creatures. His skin was pale, like he didn’t have great blood circulation as vampires tended to suffer from. His ability to be incredibly stealthy when he needed to. And the constant insistence that he wanted to die someday. Perhaps a mindset he got from needing to drain people’s lifeblood to survive.

And in addition to figuring this out, he also discovered who Vivia must have been feeding off of. Yuma Kokohead.

The two of them had gotten close since they started working together. It was fairly common to see them next to each other, whether it be naps, talks, or eating regular food. So he was certainly easy to access as a food source. Yuma also was fairly agreeable and could be convinced easily. He always wore that navy blue scarf, concealing his neck and potentially hiding the bite marks.

It all fit in Yakou’s mind. Surely he had figured it out.

But he couldn’t put the thought to bed until he had concrete proof. So he devised a little scheme.

It had started with sending Halara, Fubuki and Desuhiko out to do some jobs. He also claimed that he had errands to run, so he gave instructions to the last two. “Stay here in the agency and keep watch over the place. If clients come in, entertain them until I return. Understood?”

Yuma nodded with a beaming smile. “We won’t let you down, Chief!” Vivia hummed his agreement from the fireplace.

“Okay then. I’ll be back in an hour,” he told them. Then he left the submarine.

To his credit, he did go do some errands to kill time. But he returned to the sub after half an hour. He knew that by giving them a time frame, they might try something while they believed themselves to be alone with no interruptions. So it was the best time to try and get his proof.

He carefully unlocked the hatch, descending into the hull and turning around. The lights had been turned off, but the sound of clothes rustling was audible. Vampires preferred darkness over light, so this was a good sign. But he needed more information. So he took some sneaky steps towards the room’s opening, until he was just barely hidden. Then he suddenly rounded the corner.

And what he found there had not been what he expected.

Oh, there was a vampire in his submarine alright, but the glowing red eyes and bloody fangs didn’t belong to who he had thought. Yuma’s eyes shone in the dark as they turned towards him while perched on Vivia’s lap. His tongue darted out to lap up a tiny trickle of blood that was dripping down his chin.

Meanwhile, Vivia had been sitting upright on the sofa, head tilted to the side and his neck exposed with several bite marks now on display with his coat off. The lazy detective opened his eyes upon feeling the vampire stop, then caught sight of the flabbergasted Yakou. “Oh, hey Chief,” he called out, acting as though nothing was wrong.

“Wha-? But… I thought… Yuma’s the vampire?!” he managed to exclaim, running a hand through his frazzled hair.

“Uh… sorry? I wasn’t really sure… how to tell you,” the rookie said with an embarrassed tone. “But it’s okay! Vivia helps me with my blood urges, so there’s nothing to fear!”

Yakou rubbed his temples, trying to not get overly upset that his theory had been the complete opposite. “It’s fine, it’s fine. If you got it under control, then I see no reason to worry.” He sighed, then reached for the light switch. “Turning on the lights now. Close your eyes.”

He waited until the red glow vanished from the room, then flipped the switch. He grabbed the grocery bag that he had left near the hatch and entered the room again, ready to discuss things with his employees.

But when he returned, Yuma had somehow vanished from sight. Only Vivia was in the room, busy with tying a dark bandage around his collection of bite marks. “Uh… where’s Yuma?” he asked, very confused on where the rookie had disappeared to.

Vivia smiled. “He gets sleepy after a meal. And… he insists on resting with me.”

Yakou was about to insist on a better explanation when he noticed a new shade of lilac on the taller detective’s hair. Walking closer revealed something quite endearing.

A small purple vampire bat with Yuma’s signature hair antenna was nestled into the green hair. He let out a yawn, then snapped his jaws closed and snuggled deeper into the locks. That, Yakou would admit, was adorable.

“I see. Well, I’ll leave you two to rest, I guess. I’ll try to be quiet,” he told them, then finishing the journey to the kitchen to put the groceries away. He did try to keep his promise, and worked as silently as possible.

Once everything was put away, he peeked into the lobby again. Vivia had retreated to the fireplace, the tiny bat still in his hair. Both looked dead to the world.

That was good, he supposed. Better to let them get some relaxation time while they could before the next big job. And the sight was enough to heal his wounded pride as a detective.

He turned his eyes away from the pair, settling down in his chair and opening the newspaper. Time to get back to business.

[metalandmagi]

If Captive Prince was a musical, it would be set to Taylor Swift's Reputation album and here's why:

Since I just reread Captive Prince again, I wanted to revamp my original post about how I broke down the Reputation album a little bit. Because that album eerily follows the narrative for Captive Prince so well and I don't want to be the only one who has this living in my head...

...Ready for It?

This could work in a few places, but I see it as Laurent’s POV towards the end of Prince’s Gambit. I see him singing it as makes plans for the battle at Charcy. He’s figured out that he has genuine feelings for Damen, but he’s putting all the pieces into place after parting with him at Ravenel so the real game with the regent can begin. The first verse: 

Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him

Wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted

But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom

Holdin' him for ransom, some

Some boys are tryin' too hard, he don't try at all though

Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so

I see nothing better, I keep him forever

Like a vendetta-ta

At this point in the story, he would dream (“in the middle of the night, in my dreams”) of being alone in the summer palace with Damen (“I-island breeze and lights down low”). It also manages to describe Damen’s feelings for Laurent at first sight, (“knew I was a robber, first time that he saw me, stealing hearts and running off never saying sorry”) or at least, what Damen assumed about Laurent: that he was an ice cold bitch who probably toyed with men’s feelings for fun.

The downside is, immediately after this song, Laurent is captured by Govart and Guion and Damen is left to fight alone. 😭

End Game (Ft. Ed Sheeran & Future)

I can’t really decide on who exactly would sing which verse (maybe Laurent would beTaylor’s parts, and Damen would be Ed and Future’s verses), and there’s less of a concrete timeframe for this one. One option is in Kings Rising after the scene where Laurent sucks Damen off. But I also like to think about Laurent going back to Vere alone eventually (after the Summer Palace and Adventures of Charls) and needing Damen to reassure him that he won’t find someone else while the two of them have to rule their countries separately (until uniting them can be their end game). Both of their reputations in each other’s respective countries are a little…all over the place (“you and me would be a big conversation”) so Damen has to remind Laurent that the two of them understand each other on a completely different level than anyone ever has:

And you understand the good and bad end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

I've made mistakes and made some choices, that's hard to deny

And I also consider this verse to be extremely accurate for Laurent:

I hit you like bang, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em

Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

And I can't let you go, your handprints on my soul

It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold

You've been callin' my bluff on all my usual tricks (Ooh)

So here's the truth from my red lips (Ah)

This one’s just fun. It doesn’t have a major plot in the story or anything.

I Did Something Bad 

I imagine this as Laurent’s confrontation with the regent after whipping Damen. Pretty self explanatory. And who could blame him? If Damen had killed my brother, I’d do it over and over and over again if I could. This song is kind of an odd situation because it deals more in romance than what would be applicable to this point in the story. He’s explaining that Damen laid hands on him in the baths, so he deserved to be whipped, but at the same time, Laurent is thinking about the ways men have manipulated him, so he shouldn’t owe it to anyone to be sweet and docile. So I think it would be like Laurent singing the chorus to the regent and certain verses and the bridge to himself.

Though, I’d say the “he” in the verse: 

He says, "Don't throw away a good thing"

But if he drops my name, then I owe him nothin'

And if he spends my change, then he had it comin'

Refers to the regent, instead of any sort of romantic interest, obviously. And then of course this exchange ends with the regent taking everything except Acquitart from Laurent 🙃

Don't Blame Me

Okay, this take is dark as hell, but I actually see this working as Aimeric’s thoughts about the regent, either right before his suicide or during his confession to Laurent (“I’m glad I did what I did. I did it for my family, and for the south. I’d do it again”). The whole thing is about how “love” or the idea of being loved and needing love from someone made him do crazy things.

I imagine the pre-chorus:

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time, I would lose my mind

They say, "She's gone too far this time"

Being Aimeric’s complicated feelings about what he’s done in the name of “love,” everything from killing Orlant to “seducing” Jord. Of course in the book, once he meets Jord, and gets a handle on what real love looks like, he at least apologizes to Jord, but the song isn’t necessarily apologetic to anyone else, so it would be a much darker take on Aimeric 😅

I really want to be able to fit the Eras Tour “Don’t Blame Me For What You Made Me Do” transition in here somewhere, but I don’t know if it would work out timing-wise. Maybe if “Don’t Blame Me” ended with Aimeric’s suicide, it would immediately transition into Laurent making plans for Charcy singing “Look What You Made Me Do.”

Delicate

Dual POVs for Damen and Laurent during Prince’s Gambit. Probably a montage of their time spent hunched over maps, realizing the other person isn’t who they thought they were. Laurent would sing the intro/pre-chorus (“This ain't for the best, My reputation's never been worse”), Damen would sing the first verse (“oh damn, never seen that color blue”), and they’d both sing the chorus. I think the song would pick up again when they’re in the Vaskian camp the first time, with Laurent singing the second verse (“do the girls back home touch you like I do?”) and alternating verses as the song goes on, always singing the chorus and bridge together. 

Look What You Made Me Do

Laurent’s entire relationship with the regent, obviously. It’s hard to know where the song would be exactly, since the books are from Damen’s perspective. Maybe this would be after Laurent kills Govart with the chair or it would transition to this after Aimeric sings “Don’t Blame Me” (like in the Eras Tour). If that’s the case, it would be while Laurent is in a horrible mood (since both Nicaise and Aimeric are dead) and he turns his anger on Damen while he’s planning for Charcy. So the song would be directed at both the regent and at Damen. It would be his big dramatic number before an intermission XD 

Everything about this song describes Laurent and his relationship to his uncle so perfectly. I mean come on!

I don't like your kingdom keys 

They once belonged to me 

You asked me for a place to sleep

Locked me out and threw a feast (what?)

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time 

Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time 

I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me

I could also see the regent reprising it at some point, maybe during the trial, for extra effect, because it’s extra insulting when he would be the one singing it.

So It Goes... 

This is basically a running commentary of what’s going on in Laurent and Damen’s heads during their first kiss on the battlements, but I imagine it as a stripped down acoustic version. The first verse, pre-chorus, and first chorus would all apply to Laurent. For example: “Gold cage, hostage to my feelings, back against the wall”  is basically Laurent’s entire experience in Vere and then realizing he has feelings for Damen.

And of course the pre-chorus: “Cause we break down a little, But when you get me alone, it's so simple”  is so fitting because Laurent would be the one to commentate on how everything seems like it should be so simple with Damen, even though their history is the furthest thing from it.

Then the second verse and chorus would apply to Damen. And the rest of the song would be a duet.

The bridge: “You did a number on me, But, honestly, baby, who's counting?” is certainly accurate. These two really have done a number on each other by now, but they’re finally giving in to their feelings 😆

Gorgeous 

Literally any time Damen thinks about how attractive Laurent is, this plays in the background 🫠 The scene in the baths? This plays. When Laurent is relaxing before the assassination attempt? This plays. Then it starts playing when Laurent thinks Damen does something attractive. Damen rips the bars off the window? This plays. The inn at Nesson-Eloy? This plays. Then by the time they’re in the Vaskian tent (the second time) they sing it to each other directly (Laurent would sing the first verse–since it literally references Laurent getting drunk after he first meets Damen, and it references an “older boyfriend”--and Damen would sing the second). The song is the perfect blend of horny and frustrated that encapsulates these two during the first two books.

Getaway Car 

Jokaste reflecting on her actions in the first book when she’s imprisoned. I don’t know if she’d be singing it to herself or to Damen when he finds out about the deal to exchange her child for her freedom.

The first verse is all about deception and lying to a man:

It was the best of times, the worst of crimes

I struck a match and blew your mind

But I didn’t mean it and you didn't see it

The ties were black, the lies were white

In shades of gray in candlelight

I wanted to leave him, I needed a reason

The “X” in "X marks the spot where we fell apart, He poisoned the well, I was lyin' to myself” refers to the baths in the first scene of Captive Prince, where her betrayal really begins and she convinces herself that Kastor is the person to back. The song isn’t a perfect comparison, but it does have some good lines that I associate with her, especially: “should have known I’d be the first to leave” and “but with three of us honey, it’s a sideshow, and the circus ain’t a love story, and now we’re both sorry”

I see her as constantly being pulled by her affection for Damen (because I don’t think she loves him, but she does care about him) and her ambition, so the bridge:

We were jet-set, Bonnie and Clyde (Oh-oh)

Until I switched to the other side, to the other side

It's no surprise I turned you in (Oh-oh)

'Cause us traitors never win

I'm in a getaway car

I left you in a motel bar

Put the money in a bag and I stole the keys

That was the last time you ever saw me

Feels really appropriate for her.

King of My Heart

Laurent’s running commentary during the Summer Palace. Just pure happiness and sap from the ice prince whose heart has melted. If this trilogy was a movie, this would be the end credits song, preferably a stripped down version like in the Eras Tour acoustic set.

Dancing With Our Hands Tied 

I see this as Laurent making the decision to give himself up at the Kingsmeet. We get a little snippet from Laurent’s perspective when they’re traveling through Akielos with Charls, the night that he frees Jokaste. Damen is asleep, and I can see this being Laurent’s internal struggle as he watches Damen sleep right before he goes to the wagon and frees Jokaste.

Again, I see this as a softer, acoustic version of the song that plays on the feeling of helplessness. During the first verse and chorus, he’s fully realized his feelings for Damen, but he knows the regent is always one step ahead of him. He hopes he can use Guion’s wife to his advantage, but he’s skeptical that his uncle would give up Jokaste’s son, so he still feels like his hands are tied when it comes to actually having a future with Damen. This part of the first verse:

Oh, twenty-five years old

Oh, how were you to know? And

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Fits them really well, considering it even gets Damen’s age correct.

I can also see this being reprised later, maybe when Damen and Laurent are walking through the Kingsmeet together. Damen would echo the second verse:

I, I loved you in spite of

Deep fears that the world would divide us

So, baby, can we dance

Oh, through an avalanche? And

Say, say that we got it

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

Oh, 'cause it's gravity

Oh, keeping you with me

Damen knows that even if they manage to win their thrones back, people might not accept their union (he even thinks about how if Theomedes was alive, Laurent would never be allowed in the Kingsmeet at all), “people started talking putting us through our paces”  but he ultimately wants them to end up ruling together by this point. So he and Laurent reprise the chorus together. 

Dress 

Ancel and Berenger’s entire relationship lol 😆

The first line highlights everything about their arrangement: “Our secret moments in a crowded room, They got no idea about me and you” Ancel is specifically with Berenger so they can keep up appearances at court!

Then: “All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation, My hands are shakin' from holdin’ back from you” describes Ancel’s slowly building attraction to Berenger, and his quest to get Berenger to sleep with him.

Even the line: “And if I get burned, At least we were electrified” works, because they are playing a dangerous game with the regent and have no guarantee that Laurent will take back the throne. Berenger could lose everything, but Ancel doesn’t care. So I think this would take place at the very end of Pet, right when Ancel asks “But if he wins?”

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I actually see this starting out as a villain song for the regent, probably admonishing Laurent after Damen is whipped in Captive Prince. (“So why’d you have to rain on my parade? I’m shaking my head and locking the gates”) I think he’d sing everything up until the bridge after Damen is whipped, and maybe he’d reprise the chorus during the confrontation at the Kingsmeet.

BUT THEN AT THE END OF THE TRIAL LAURENT WOULD SING IT BACK TO HIM WITH THE BRIDGE INCLUDED! 

And this time, “But I’m not the only friend you’ve lost lately” would refer to Aimeric, Nicaise, and Guion. 

I just like the idea of Laurent singing the bridge, specifically, “And here’s to you, ‘cause forgiveness is a nice thing to do Haha, I can't even say it with a straight face” before the regent is beheaded, and then singing the rest of the song as a victory lap.

Call It What You Want

Another duel POV song, either just before or after their second time sleeping together. This is the time when Damen and Laurent are being intimate with the knowledge of Damen’s identity out in the open. Both Laurent and Damen are emotionally vulnerable, because this is when Laurent comforted Damen after he overhears Laurent’s conversation with Jokaste about Kastor murdering his father. Laurent would have the first verse and chorus:

My castle crumbled overnight

I brought a knife to a gunfight

They took the crown, but it's alright

All the liars are calling me one

Nobody's heard from me for months

I'm doin' better than I ever was

Damen would get the second verse and chorus (“All the jokers dressing up as kings, They fade to nothing when I look at him”)

The song is about how Laurent never expected all of the tragedy in his life to lead to his biggest victory, and Damen never expected to find comfort in a man who is meant to be his enemy. And the lyric: “You don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?”  feels like it would be a callback or response to the “We hold the center” line from Prince’s Gambit.

New Year's Day

This is Damen reflecting on his relationship with Laurent (either while he’s recovering from his stab wound from Kastor or as Laurent is crowned at the end of Adventures of Charls). I think it works for how in the past, Damen never felt a deep connection with anyone he’d ever been with, but with Laurent, he’d stay and clean up after the party. “Don't read the last page, But I stay when it's hard or it's wrong or we're makin' mistakes” refers to how difficult it will be to unite their kingdoms, but he is convinced that they will be together through everything, and that makes it all worth it ❤️

It’s a straightforward song that fits Damen’s honorable personality very well. Deep down, Damen is a little scared of Laurent becoming “a stranger whose laugh I would recognize anywhere” once they’re back on their thrones, but if they “hold on to the memories” of their struggles together, they will make it through anything.

[fruitybashir]

Thank you for sharing the list of WIPs! I'm especially excited about the "bottom Kris" instalment. I love how you describe people's communication in sexual encounters, so, considering what we have read so far, it will be about starting doing things not done before, getting used to the new stuff, etc. Am I guessing it correctly? ☺️ And do not put any pressure on yourself, let the flow of creativity wave 🌊 like the ocean you're currently on ☺️

Also, I'm going to the JO gig this upcoming Saturday and cannot wait to scream along with the real Bojan "Spet me k tebi vleče", while having Holidate!Bojan in my mind as well 😊

Wishing you all the best ☺️!

yessss kinda! its not something super new, but its a lot about figuring things out, testing what works and feels best etc

ill put the link to an old ask here if i remember after posting but ive mentioned before that holidate kris has bottomed before, he just didnt like it. but its been years since then and the times where he tried it, he was at first an inexperienced teen, and another time with some random hook up, so he figures. well. maybe those were just really bad bc of the circumstances. but now hes in a stable, long term relationship (this is probably a few months after dopamin i think) with someone he loves and who he has amazing sex with, maybe it will be a different outcome.

theres a lot of trust and communication when they have sex and when they gradually explore more sides to it, not just new kinks but also like. idk how to word myself, im typing this out crouched on a concrete pillar watching the cruiseship park lol. basically like yes, theyre both still kinda vanilla but that doesnt mean that theres not still a whole lot you can discover about your partner all the time and figure out boundaries and what the other likes or doesnt like and maybe try out something new and they do that occasionally. sometimes its good, sometimes they decide they didnt like that, but it doesnt lessen their chemistry even then.

so kris feels very safe in approaching bojan about wanting to try bottoming again, even if it turns out he still doesnt like it. he obviously knows how much bojan enjoys it, so he knows theres a lot of pleasure to get on the receiving end and maybe they just need to find the correct way for him to get the same experience. so the whole thing is about that, him wanting to try it again and then figuring out if he likes it, what he likes or doesnt like about it, maybe what position he feels most comfortable in (bc he also has the whole being the one in control deal), if theres a way to make it so good for him that it can be a repeat thing, etc etc

a lot of talking, some frustration, some realisations, lots of trust and love and love and love

[rheagodlywrites]

Hello! I'm the anon who requested the turtles x a depressed S/O. Thank you so much for what you wrote! It made me so happy.

I’m glad that it made you happy! Here are Raph and Mikey!

Leo and Donnie

It’s not lazy

Y/n was supposed to have the best vacation ever. No mess, no fuss. But when their friends take “fun” a bit too far. All of the progress they made goes to ruin. It’s not being lazy. It’s relapse.

You hung out with April and the turtles. They were having a dance off and you two were the judges as for a fair chance. It started off great. They danced and tried to out do the other. Soon the competition ended with Mikey being the winner. While April congratulated Mikey, Leo stepped up to you and whined about his loss.

“I demand a recount! It is I that should’ve won!” Leo grabbed your shoulders and started shaking your back and forth. It was that moment where you saw something in him that you tried to forget. You froze, pushing him off of you backing up from him. Leo paused his actions to take in account your own. Raph took notice and joined the two of you.

“Y/n? Are you ok?” Raph reached out to you went to touch your shoulder but in your moment of panic, you swat his hand away.

“Don’t touch me!” You shriek finally getting the other’s attention. You look at their eyes and saw them as they slowly approached you.

“Y/n? We just wanna understand.” Mikey calmly said with a smile. Donnie took a step to you.

“Have you been feeling awful since the start of this? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it?” Donnie asked, scanning your body trying to figure out what was wrong. Leo reached out to you but the fear and panic in you caused you to run. You ran from the friends that held you dearly. The ones that you kept so many things hidden away from them. When you got back home, your aunt was out at work. You closed the door to your room and slipped into your bed. You covered your head with a pillow. Days had passed since then. You skipped school to avoid April. You haven’t gone down to visit the boys and you haven’t left bed. The only reason you got out of bed, was because of a gentle taping on the window.

Raph

He was too worried about you. His worry for his brothers was small compared to his with you in that moment. You left so suddenly and in such a scared way. He couldn’t help but worry. April consoled him telling him that you may need a while before you were ready to talk.

He took April’s advice and held the hope that you would come back to him. He held out for two weeks before he cracked and chose to visit you.

He peered into the window trying to get your attention. You didn’t move at all. Raph frowned and tried to open the window on his own.

When it did open, he awkwardly shuffled into your room falling on the piles of clothes and trash. He cringed at the feeling but got up and sat on the other end of the bed.

You slid down to him a bit due to the way the bed tilted with him but you didn’t move either way. Raph fiddled with his fingers and tapped on his legs before starting conversation.

“So…how are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” You grumbled. He clicked his tongue.

“Profanity..”

“Right..”

The quiet was heavy. Raph had felt the feeling of lifting concrete but this was just as heavy. He couldn’t take the pressure of your emotions being held like this.

“Raph, is that your fear stink?”

“No..?”

You chuckle at his response and he sighed. He didn’t think to make you laugh but it happened. Raph leaned back and looked at you.

“Y/n? Do you wanna talk about it?” You paused for a moment. Your throat feeling tight and your thoughts running wild. You shook your head curling up into a ball.

Raph nodded back to you then left your room. After a few minutes, he brought back a sandwich and a cup of water.

“Food always makes me feel better and I don’t think you had real food in who knows how long. Why don’t you eat and we clean up your room? You can feel good while being productive.” Raph encouraged. You smile, taking the plate from him.

“Thanks.”

Mikey

Mikey wasn’t sure how to process your response. He knew you were upset but couldn’t fathom why. April told him that you would go to them if you needed anything. Having faith in that he allowed two weeks to pass by.

After two weeks of radio silence, he decided to visit your home. Upon his arrival, he could feel something was wrong. You had your lights dim and your room was incredibly messy. While he knew that you would get messy sometimes, you never let it get this bad.

Mikey knocked on the window but after no answer, he let himself into your room. He smiled as he stood over you. You were laying in bed not moving to even look at him.

“Oh,Y/n? Your favorite turtle is here! Are you ready for some awesome fun with me?” He grinned. Surely, hanging out with him would pull you outta your slump.

“Sorry. Not feeling up to it.” You quietly responded. He was surprised to hear that you didn’t want to do anything. He looked around and thought to himself for a moment.

“You always make me feel better with food and a movie. Would you like that?” He decided to not ask questions. When you were ready, you’d tell him. Although he really wanted to ask what was on your mind, he had a feeling that you wouldn’t tell him what was going on right away.

“I’d.. like that.” You sat up and looked at him. He grinned and went to embrace you in a tight hug but paused before he got to you.

“Can I hug you?” He remembered how Leo grabbed your shoulders and the reaction after. You smile and open your arms to him with a nod. He bear hugged you, squeezing you but not too hard. He eventually let you go and hopped to the door avoiding the stuff on the floor.

“I’ll be right back! You pick the movie yeah!?” Mikey was glad to see you with some of your energy back. While he wasn’t sure if you were fully ok, he wasn’t going to let you sink in your emotions like you were. He was going to help you feel better with the power of the best sandwich in New York.

[thornybubbles]

Playing a Horror Game with Josuke and Okuyasu (non-yandere scenario/headcanons)

Note: These headcanons are based in the current year and aren’t yandere themed. As much as I like yandere stuff, I have to take a break from it every now and again. So, here’s a little something from my brain’s lighter side. (You’re still going to be playing a horror game though!)

Josuke is a bit nervous about this. He’ll never admit it in a thousand years, but he’s not a fan of horror games. The last one he played scared him badly enough to give him nightmares for days and he never played it again. When you asked him to play a game called “7 Days to Die”, a survival/crafting/zombie horde game, he wanted to refuse, but when you mentioned that you had been playing the game with Okuyasu for a few weeks now, he immediately downloaded the game from Steam. He was a bit miffed (and very jealous) that you had been playing with Okuyasu and neither of you bothered to invite him until now. You didn’t say anything to him at the time, but you knew all about his aversion to horror games and were reluctant to invite him to play due to how intense 7 Days could get. It was Okuyasu that insisted that you invite his best friend, because the two of you had been having some trouble with the last few zombie hordes and he felt that Josuke’s gaming experience could come in handy. So you relented. 

Okuyasu, in spite of his… limitations… proved to be a genius at building. He managed to design a beautiful fortress with a kitchen, sleeping quarters, garden, storage room, and even a watchtower. You helped him surround the fortress with an impressive concrete wall and surrounded that wall with a ditch full of metal spikes. Neither of you had quite reached the level where you could get the perks that allowed you to create automated defenses… at least you hadn’t. 

You found out that Okuyasu hadn’t bothered to put perk points into anything yet. He’d been collecting unused perk points since level one and hadn’t unlocked ANYTHING! No wonder you guys were struggling! After getting him to actually use his perk points (and making sure he invested them in perks that were actually useful), the two of you began to set up more high tech defenses. This, of course, was after you finally got him to stop giggling stupidly at the fact that there was a perk called “Sexual Tyrannosaurus”. 

When Okuyasu first spawned into the game, he spotted what he thought was an NPC in the distance and ran over to them. You tried to warn him over Discord that it wasn’t an NPC, but when you heard his startled scream, you knew it was already too late. He was zombie chow. He respawned in the desert and it took you forever to find him again. When you did manage to find him, he was fighting off a flock of zombified vultures. You sighed and went to his rescue. 

When Josuke was creating his character, he was disappointed that he wasn’t able to give his character a pompadour. He settled for a mohawk.

When Josuke finally joined the game, he spawned in the snow. It was a terrible starting point, but it didn’t slow him down at all. It took you and Okuyasu a long time to get to him, but by the time you found him he was already wearing padded armor, managed to loot some ruined houses for ammo, and made a pipe rifle and a sledge hammer. 

“Hey guys! What took you so long?” he said, as he stood outside of his shack that he already had surrounded with wooden spikes, while cooking meat from a freshly killed wolf over his campfire. 

You stared at him, a little bit envious of how quickly he progressed with no guidance at all. It took you a while to figure out the mechanics of the game and took you even longer to explain it all to Okuyasu, (and he still struggled with it from time to time). You glanced up at the day counter at the top of the screen. You didn’t have much time. Maybe it was a good thing that Josuke was so good at picking up the game so quickly. 

“We need to hurry and get back to the base.” You said. “We only have three days before the next Blood Moon.” 

“Oh that’s right! We haven’t finished setting up the rest of those traps!” Okuyasu chimed in. 

“And you’re gonna need much better armor than that.” You said to Josuke, looking at his character’s very basic armor.

“Uh… Blood Moon…???” Josuke asked, sounding confused. 

Oh boy. Josuke hadn’t bothered to do any research on the main mechanic of the game. You told him that you would explain on the way. Josuke gathered up the few supplies that he deemed important and followed you and Okuyasu back to the base. Along the way, you explained to him just why the game was called “7 Days to Die”. 

“You have a total of seven in-game days to do things like build, gather materials and supplies, look for food and water, and take quests from the Traders. On the night of the seventh day, a Blood Moon rises and a horde of zombies comes after you. It doesn’t matter where you are, they’ll find you. You can’t hide from them and you can’t run from them. Your only choice is to stand and fight.” you explained. 

Josuke was really quiet as he listened to your explanation. That sounded absolutely terrifying.

“And the attack lasts all night long!” Okuyasu added. “Also, everything is bathed in an eerie red glow, like the gates of Hell just opened and unleashed its lost souls upon the living!” 

He added the last part in a creepy voice and let out a maniacal laugh. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Okuyasu.” You said, rolling your eyes at his antics. 

Josuke was having some major second thoughts. 

“Great…” he muttered under his breath. You managed to pick it up through Discord though.

“You, uh… you gonna be able to do this, Josuke?” you asked. 

“Y-yeah! It can’t be that bad… c-can it?” he said, trying to sound brave but failing. 

“Weeeeelllllll….” 

You didn’t think it would be fair to lie to him.

“With every level up you get and every week that passes, things get more and more difficult. Eventually you’ll come across different kinds of zombies and some of them have different abilities. Some are stronger, some can jump really high, some can call other zombies, some explode…” 

“Explode?!” Josuke shouted. 

You explained more about what to expect from the game. The more you explained, the more Josuke doubted that he wasn’t going to have nightmares that night. 

Eventually you all made it back to your base and Josuke was impressed with your progress. Okuyasu proudly showed him around while you rifled through your supplies, looking for what you needed to make Josuke a decent set of armor for his current level and perks. You also searched through your weapons and ammo supplies as well. While you were impressed with how quickly Josuke managed to make his own weapons, a pipe rifle and a stone sledge hammer weren’t going to be enough for what the next Blood Moon would throw at you. You realized that you forgot to mention that with each Blood Moon that passes, the Blood Moon hordes get more and more intense, including the stronger variations of zombies. Glancing at the day counter again, you realized that it wouldn’t matter if he knew or not anyway. This next Blood Moon would be rough. You just hoped your preparations were going to be enough. 

Josuke proved a big help in preparing the base for defending against the horde. He helped you and Okuyasu plan better defensive strategies for the upcoming Blood Moon. It was his idea to set up an extra two layers of barbed wire around the spike pit. The barbed wire would slow the zombies down, allowing you to pick off the more dangerous ones. The spike pit would take care of the rest. It sounded good in theory, but having been through several Blood Moon hordes before, you couldn’t help but feel a bit worried that it wasn’t going to go as smoothly as you hoped. Okuyasu set up some robotic turrets to mow down the oncoming horde from the watchtower. It seemed like a good plan. You started to feel a little more confident about your chances of surviving the next Blood Moon. 

Josuke’s first night in the game was pretty awful. No lighting of any kind was allowed because you discovered earlier that light attracted curious zombies to your base. Campfires were only used for making emergency rations or to warm up when your characters got wet and cold when it rained. Josuke hated that. He asked if you could have at least one torch but you said no. It was just too risky. So Josuke spent that night huddled in the darkness of the main room with you and Okuyasu with the only light coming from the moon. While the “home base” music was comforting, it still held a slight sinister undertones to it and when it wasn’t playing, the night time air was filled with all kinds of strange sounds that set him on edge. 

“W-what the hell was that noise?!” he yelped. 

Okuyasu chuckled at his obvious nervousness. 

“Just nighttime ambience to make the game spooky. Trust me, you’ll know if it’s zombies.” you told him. 

Speaking of which…

Your base was suddenly surrounded by the sound of footsteps rushing around the outside. . 

“Shoot…” you mumbled. 

“What? What is it?!” Josuke demanded, his voice pitched with growing terror. 

“I forgot to mention that the zombies gain the ability to run when it’s dark.” You said. 

“WHAT?!!” Josuke shouted. 

You could hear the snarling and growling near the front of your base. It was the unmistakable sound of zombies angrily trying to free themselves from your barbed wire traps. Battle music started playing. 

“HORDE!!!” Okuyasu shouted, maybe a bit too gleefully for your tastes. 

His character threw open the back door and ran up to the top of the watchtower. From there he could see a fairly large group of zombies wading through the barbed wire in an effort to get to the base. Without the sunlight blaring down on them, they were faster and more energized. They were making short work of the barbed wire. They’d already broken some of the traps. Okuyasu killed a few of them, but he could see more coming in the distance. 

“What do we do?!” Josuke yelled, panic evident in his voice. 

“Come on!” you said and led him up a ladder to the roof of the base. 

From there you lead him to the catwalks that Okuyasu set up. The catwalks lined the wall, giving you both a decent view of the approaching horde. You and Josuke began picking off the newcomers, while Okuyasu got rid of the zombies stuck in the barbed wire. 

Eventually, the three of you managed to fend off the horde with minimal damage to the defenses. Josuke felt like his heart had gone up to his throat. After taking a moment to calm down, and metaphorically swallow his heart back down into his chest, he let out a relieved sigh. 

“That wasn’t so bad!” he said. “Man, you guys made it out like the Blood Moon was gonna be tough!” 

“Uh… Josuke…” Okuyasu started to say.

“That wasn’t a Blood Moon. We still have another day before that happens.” You said. “That was just a mini-horde.”

“MINI-HORDE!?” Josuke shouted. “That was like 20 zombies!” 

“Nah, more like 10.” Okuyasu corrected. “Blood Moon hordes are way bigger and they keep comin’ until the sun comes up. I told ya that before, remember?” 

“Oh…” Josuke said. 

When the day of the Blood Moon finally arrived, Josuke spent all of the daylight hours feeling on edge. The three of you went about gathering up the needed materials to do quick repairs, getting loot from one of the nearby houses, buying ammo and repair kits from the Trader, and preparing food and water. Josuke got the idea to set up some storage crates at strategic areas around the base and fill them with supplies so you wouldn’t have to run all the way back to the storage room if you ran out of ammo or needed first aid kits or something during the Blood Moon. 

Finally, the sun set and the Blood Moon had arrived. Just as Okuyasu described, the world was bathed in a red glow, giving it a hellish look. Thunder boomed in the sky and, in no time at all, the horde was upon you. Okuyasu let out a ridiculous battle cry and began shooting down on the zombies with the turrets. You tossed molotovs down onto the zombies as they approached the outer layer of barbed wire. While they burned, you took out your sniper rifle and began picking off the tougher zombies. Josuke just used the machine gun you gave him to pepper them with bullets. Things were going fairly well… at first. 

Then things went sour very quickly. One of your bullets hit a large soldier zombie in the chest, setting off the bomb embedded there, and causing it to explode. The resulting explosion took out a section of the layers of barbed wire and the zombies went right to it. The spike pit took out the first few that fell into it, but eventually the spikes were broken and destroyed, opening up yet another path. The zombies that fell into the pit and weren’t impaled by the spikes began climbing out of the pit and making a beeline for the main gate in the wall. You, Okuyasu, and Josuke killed off as many of them as you could, but eventually they tore the gate down and flooded into the front yard. They had breached your defenses! 

Josuke was panic shooting as he watched the zombies surround your base and begin pounding on the front door and around the walls. It wouldn’t be long before they made their way into the base! Sure enough, the horde broke through the front door and some of the windows. They piled into the base and began making their way up the ladder to you and Josuke. 

Okuyasu and Josuke were nearly deafened by your screaming as you found yourself face to face with your least favorite kind of zombie: the spider zombie. As if a regular zombie wasn’t bad enough, some sicko developer thought it would be a great idea to combine one with a spider, thus creating a monstrosity that had a hideous, arachnid-like face, crawled around on all fours, leapt to great heights, and made the most horrible sounds you’ve ever heard. The creature seemed weirdly focused on you, more so than even the other zombies. It let out an ear-splitting screech before jumping on you. It broke your arm and gave you a concussion. Soon the other zombies joined in, punching and slashing at you and knocking your health down bit by bit. You did your best to fight them off, but both your ammo and health were depleting. At least you managed to kill that horrible spider zombie. 

Amidst the flurry of blows from your undead attackers, you could see that Josuke was having his own troubles. A group of female zombies had cornered him on the catwalk and were now chasing him around the top of the wall. Josuke had long since run out of ammo and due to his undead fangirls, he was unable to get to the emergency supply crate. He used the modified baseball bat you gave him to bash in a few of their skulls, cringing at the cracking and squelching sound their heads made when he smashed them open. He noted that it seemed that only the female zombies were targeting him. Even in a game, he ends up with an unwanted harem. He was seriously contemplating just jumping down into the spike pit to get away from them. He would probably survive…

Okuyasu was doing better than you two. The horde had not yet breached the watchtower and he managed to mow down most of the ones that tried to break in with the turrets. He had a fully stocked supply crate that he only needed to get into once, and that was to refill the ammo for one of the turrets. He was feeling pretty safe at the top of his watchtower… until the flock of zombie vultures flew into his face.

“Not you guys again!” he cried.

Just when it seemed like all was lost, the sun rose and the Blood Moon came to an end. Miraculously, you managed to fend off the last few zombie stragglers. Your base was in shambles. Your poor character had two broken legs, one broken arm, and a concussion and was slowly bleeding out. You hobbled over to the nearly destroyed supply crate and grabbed a first aid kit and some bandages to stop the bleeding. You also put casts on all your broken limbs. Due to your character’s injuries, you couldn’t do much to help as Josuke and Okuyasu healed themselves and started to work on repairing the base. You could only stand there and watch as they started patching things up. 

To your surprise, Josuke was already planning for the next Blood Moon, hoping to be better prepared now that he knew just how intense things could get. You thought for sure the Blood Moon would scare Josuke away from the game for good, but he told you that playing it with you and Okuyasu made it fun, and a lot less scary than it would be if he were playing it by himself. 

If he could handle multiplayer survival horror games then maybe you’d introduce him to more. You wondered how he would do in a game like “The Forest”. Maybe you’d invite him and Okuyasu to join you sometime. In the meantime, you watched your friends start the rebuilding process as you waited for your character to heal.

[moonlesslights]

Broken Hero (Dark Stony)

"—I'm just so tired of being the good guy.

Maybe you never were."

(Scenario located between the events developed in Captain America: Civil War and Thor: Ragnarok in the chronological order of the Marvel Cinematic Universe).

────────── ❂ ──────────

Steve's foot taps the floor lightly, intermittently, picking up the pace as the elevator ticks up one floor with each passing second. He feels the air turn heavy and a trail of cold sweat run down his spine. Only Bucky seems to notice, and maybe it's just because he's under the same level of nervousness as his blond friend.

“This is a bad idea.”

"I know, I heard you the first three times." Sam replies, crossing his arms.

"We shouldn't involve him, not like this, at least." Steve insists, giving both of his companions a sidelong glance.

Bucky sighs next to him and brings one of his hands to his own face, trying to stay calm. "Do you have a better idea, Rogers?"

The "ding" of the elevator makes him shut his mouth before he manages to give the long-haired man an answer. The metal doors open in front of them, presenting an open living room illuminated by large windows, with elegant and expensive furniture; full of toys only Tony Stark could have fun with.

"Friday, I thought I told you not to open the door to strangers." His voice comes out of nowhere as they step into the room. The echo of his footsteps is lost in the immensity of the place.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid they insisted." The program assures.

"We just want to talk, Tony.” The captain hastens to say, looking for Stark with his gaze. His brows rise as he surveys the building: nothing has changed since the last time they were there.

"Well, that's certainly a big surprise."

The three men turn their bodies, following the sound of Tony's words up the stairs that lead to the second floor of the place. The black-haired figure soon appears in their vision field, resting on one of the concrete walls with a glass of whiskey in hand, giving them a lopsided smile that is not at all welcoming.

"It's been a long time, or have you finally considered turning yourself in?"

The blond remains static in his place, unable to fully understand the words that leave the millionaire's lips, and directing his attention completely and invariably to his face, in something that seemed only an instinct now: His hair continues combed to one side, just as he remembers it; his goatee is certainly a bit longer; he dresses smartly, he assumes he plans to go somewhere once they've left; there's a new scar over his left eyebrow; and his eyes, dark hazelnuts, his eyes are what tells him that this is still the Tony with whom once, years ago, he drank that same whiskey and laughed out loud the whole night to, later, receive the sunrise on the huge balcony of the tower. He watches those brown eyes and they, from a distance, ignore him.

“You know we wouldn't be here if we didn't have to.” Sam takes a step in their direction, waving to the newscast playing on the living room screen, reporting what everyone already knew.

“Correction: it is necessary that I help you with something, however, unfortunately for you, I am not interested in getting my hands dirty for whatever stupidity you have gotten yourself into this time.”

"Tony, listen..." Bucky tries to start explaining but is interrupted before reaching the minimum.

“Ah, ah.” The black-haired cuts him suddenly. Ironic tone in his voice. "I don't think I've given you permission to speak to me, or even to be here, as I recall."

The one with longer hair remains silent then, frowning but looking down. Steve finally decides to leave his little trance and, taking a deep breath, he finds the courage to fix his eyes on the black-haired ones.

"We just need you to help us find someone, or rather the place where they might be hiding something." Rogers tries his best to remain calm but his heart pounding hard in his ribcage doesn't help much.

"Again..." One of his palms opens to the side, jerking as the other holds his glass close to his chest. “I am not interested.”

"We're not asking you to fight with us, just point us where to do it." Steve can see the twitch on Tony's face, ready to finish off his words again, but he decides to get ahead of the argument. “We're talking about super soldiers, Tony. Things that Zemo provoked when giving out too many Hydra secrets.”

The black-haired looks away, avoiding eye contact, looking through the huge window towards the city that stretched out like an infinite urban field below them. Steve set his jaw, immediately guessing where Stark's mind had traveled.

Zemo had released many secrets in his quest for revenge for his family, one of them, most importantly... A Checkmate, specifically targeting... Tony. A secret that destroyed him, that destroyed them both. That destroyed everything. Leaving him in ashes, without a single spark of hope to return to what he was before, to what they were before.

The blond's heart clenched at the thought.

"They're dangerous." He forces himself to continue. "And they've already crossed the line. They will stop at nothing to get what they want.”

For another minute in silence, Stark remains still but his head works at full speed, analyzing what he already knew about the new super-soldiers who, just days before, had caused an explosion near a downtown cafe, leaving several wounded back. And he also knew that if he didn't decide to help them now and someone else resulted hurt or worse… He would feel the irremediable guilt fall on him. Again.

"If it is information you want, I suppose I could help. If with that I manage to keep them out of my sight for another long time.”

The engineer nods and Falcon hastily follows, starting to tell him almost immediately about the plan he and Steve had come up with, along with Bucky's knowledge of Hydra, and his suspicions of what the soldiers might be up to, up to that point.

"We need some State files, even S.H.I.E.L.D's” Mentions, Sam, showing some photographs to Stark. "It will help us know exactly what we might be up against."

“Isn't it guys like them?” Tony mentions, turning his back on both soldiers as he walks, and simply gesturing at them.

Of the three of them, Steve knew, Sam was the one who had kept in touch with Stark the most, especially seeking news of Rhodey's condition, trying to assuage his conscience. It was no surprise that the he was the only one who Tony was able to accept so close to himself, after all, Sam was the only one there who had tried to make up for his mistakes.

“The serum they're using is unlike anything I've seen before. They're so much worse than us.” Bucky is watched sideways by Tony as his words leave his lips, wary but sure of his statement.

"Good." The millionaire takes the stack of papers that Sam offers him and places them on a glass platform, causing hundreds of transparent screens to light up with the information. “Friday, give me everything you can find on Robert Lord Taylor.”

“Of course sir. Just a second.” The female intelligence responds.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get my workplace cleared." Tony barely glances at them. "You can be downstairs in the meantime... But please, if you use the bathroom try to behave like decent human beings and put the damn lid down when you're done."

...

Fifteen minutes later, Sam, Bucky and Steve sit on the expensive dark sofas on the first floor, devouring a packet of cinnamon rolls that someone had left on the table. The feeling of the same furniture on his body brings back inconvenient memories for the blond, who more than once was scolded by the black-haired for putting his feet up on the seats <<Do you realize what it's made of, Rogers? That synthetic leather is worth more than your own ass.>>. Neither of the other two have spoken to him in the time they've been there, and for Steve that's been a godsend, because if they'd tried, they wouldn't have gotten an answer.

He listens to them joke around for a while about the girl Bucky met at a bar last week and the blunder he did in front of her. Sam mentions, scoffing, that spilling a drink on someone can be the beginning of the best love story or, as in the case of his friend, the worst memory of that girl with a man. Bucky nods scathingly, and tosses at him the bucket that it wasn't like Sam was any more successful at love than he was. And Steve smiles, pushing his thoughts away from whatever memory was hitting him at the time.

"It's taken him a while already..." The long haired murmurs. "To be Tony Stark."

"He probably regretted it and is calling Thaddeus right now." Sam teases, but doesn't get the slightest smile from any of the soldiers.

“I'll go see if everything is alright.” The blond gets up, shaking off the crumbs that the bread had left on his pants; but his walk is quickly stopped by Sam's hand holding onto his wrist, gently.

“Don't you want me to go?” His dark eyes look at him with empathy and a simple, sorrowful smile. And Steve knows that his intentions are good, that they come from a good place in his heart; but he can't help the shock of irritation that goes to his head. "I'm just saying... That maybe it's not the best idea right now..."

“I don't need this kind of protection, Sam.” Steve shifts, regretting his snapping tone. “I'll go see how soon we can get out of here and make sure we don't have to start running before other types of soldiers start breaking through any existing windows in this place.”

Steve begins to walk in the stairs direction, slightly annoyed with the silence in which his companions remain at his expense, being able to feel their eyes fixed hard on his back during his entire journey until he manages to lose himself in the corridor that leads to Stark's study. Out there, he was their captain, their leader, the man they both obeyed without question, but as soon as Tony's name was brought to the table, their looks of friendship, of respect, changed to pity and compassion. And it made him sick every time it happened.

He gently knocks on the glass door, attracting the attention of the black-haired man, who was on the other side of the table, his body facing him. Tony looks down without saying a word and continues to move between the various screens around him; Steve takes the act as an invitation to enter.

Or maybe just a resignation.

"Have you located somewhere yet?" the blond asks, moving to the side of the table.

"Everything on that side may be important for you to know." The millionaire points to the opposite corner of the room. "It's just that I'm trying to find one more thing, but I can't find where they hid it...”

Steve begins to read the various titles and notes on the screens, making mental notes of things that seemed important for him to finish the mission. The soldier's aquamarine orbs travel back and forth, amazed at the amount of information Tony had managed to retrieve in those few minutes. And he would have stayed that way, if he hadn’t collided head-on with a screen that offers him a view of a huge newspaper headline "SUPER SOLDIERS, CAUSE OR CONSEQUENCE OF AVENGERS DISINTEGRATION?" accompanied by a photo of Zemo's arrest with Tony out of focus in the background.

And before he can think things through soberly, the words escape from his lips, turning to the black-haired man:

“We need to talk.”

Tony stops his movements on the screens and watches him for a few seconds, frowning inevitably.

"I don't think so," he answers curtly. He wants this to be the end of that conversation, but Steve isn't willing to let it go for any longer.

"Well, I need to, Tony." His voice goes up a couple of tones, drawing the black-haired’ confused eyes. “I need you to try to understand me, to try to understand why I did it. I'm sick of trying to find one more excuse to apologize.

"Apologize? You left me a fucking phone, Rogers." Tony loses his temper, hitting the table and causing several of the screens to disappear. “You didn't apologize, you asked me to call you if I needed you. And that's exactly why your phone has never rung.”

“It rang once.” Steve counterattacks, seeking the engineer's gaze. The other tenses his jaw, completely avoiding him.

"You were right, okay?" Tony murmurs, turning away. “You were right about Thaddeus, about the government, about everything. You're always right and that night I realized it, and I called you..." His voice shakes and Steve lets out a frustrated sigh. “But nobody answered.”

"I couldn't, I couldn't, Tony!" The blond tries to take a few steps towards him but Tony immediately backs away. "I had no idea what to say to you, I had no idea how to apologize for what I did to you. And I was afraid...”

Stark exhales a breath, fighting not to cover his ears and yell for him to leave. He didn't want to hear what Steve had to say, he wasn't ready, he never would be and he had learned to resign himself to it, but now...

“I was afraid because I knew that the moment I heard your voice there would be no going back. Because I would have left everything if you had told me you wanted me here.” His voice trails off. “And I couldn't, I couldn't leave them.”

"And you never will, Steve." The black-haired points out, keeping his eyes down with a half smile, covered in pain. "Because that's you. And that is also why I forgave you a long time ago. Because when I confessed to myself that I had fallen in love with you, I also knew that I had fallen in love with all your values ​​and stupid morals that lead you to always do what you think is right.”

Tony moves towards the door but Steve intervenes, he wasn't going to let him go, not now, not after he had told him again that he was in love with him, that there was still hope.

"No, no." He calls him desperately. “Do you remember the first time we were together? The next morning we argued terribly; I told you that I was in love with you and you told me that you were just horny and nothing more. And yet, you showed up at my door two days later, with coffee and my favorite dessert. You didn't say a word but you were there. It's my turn to be here, Tony!”

The black-haired remains silent, removing the screens around and taking, finally, some information. Without further ado and with glazed eyes, he hands it to the soldier.

“Everything you need is there.”

"Tony, please..."

“It's over, Steve. Everything is over.”

As the three men leave his home, the black-haired watches them again from the stairs. Bucky nods his thanks and Tony doesn't look away, which seems to be enough for the other. Sam says goodbye briefly and Steve doesn't look up again until the elevator doors close completely.

He fights back the tears he had thought so long drained away, as his head whips with the greatest conclusion to his story: he had lost the love of his life.

...

By the time Tony showed up mid-mission, amidst the gunfire and screams of the super soldiers, it wasn't even a surprise to Steve anymore. Plans were distributed, Bucky those on the West side, they against those on the North side of the building, and Sam on the other side, would seek to corner them along with Bucky on the East flank.

Now, thirty minutes later, Steve and Tony were in one of the building's rooms, waiting for the other two to show up with their work done. They talked, commented on what was happening and distributed what they would do once they were all on the ground. Just like in the old days. The heart of both dancing to the rhythm of the other's voice.

And Bucky, Bucky was supposed to have taken care of everyone on that side. Bucky should have taken care of everyone. But Tony was smiling as Steve recounted a prank they did to Sam, and Steve was so lost in his eyes. And the man, this unknown super-soldier... He walked through the door after them. Steve yelled a warning as soon as his eyes caught the movement, but it was too late.

The super soldier fired, Tony's body fell to the ground.

Steve reacted immediately, lunging at the intruder, bashing his shield over and over and over into the soldier's body. The metal burying itself in his flesh before returning to his arm and throwing itself forward again.

And it wasn't the first thud of a hit or the many that followed, like deafening crashes in the place, that caused Bucky and Sam to rush to the spot in growing desperation; were but the heartbreaking screams that seemed to go through each and every one of the walls of the place. One after another, long, painful, paralyzing...

It was Steve.

They both burst into the huge room almost at the same time. Sam was the first to assimilate the scene and, before regretting it, he called for backup. Bucky entered two seconds later, stifling a groan as he observed what had happened:

Steve was cleaning Tony's face, brushing his hair to the sides and caressing his cheeks in the action. The passivity on the man's face was broken only by the dark, dripping hole just above his left eyebrow.

"Tony, love, Tony." Steve's voice had dropped, but his breathing only quickened with each passing second. "Everything will be fine, love, I'm here. I got you.”

"Steve... What happened? Is Tony...?" Sam trailed off when the blond looked up. The man's eyes fixed sternly on Tony's head injury and the inactive reactor.

“You!” Steve exclaimed, standing up and pulling Sam out of his trance. "Where were you?! Where were you, Bucky?!"

Sam has to throw his entire body to stop Steve before he gets to the named soldier. Bucky was static, he didn't even seem to be able to react to the shouts that Steve continued to shot in his direction. The only thing that really showed the state he was in was the sweat that trickled down his temples.

"Let go of me! Let go of me, Sam!"

"Steve, Steve!" Sam tries to call him. "Calm down, everything is okay."

He regrets his words as soon as they leave his lips.

“Okay?!, Look at T-Tony!” His voice drops, not wanting to admit that there was something wrong with Tony, with his Tony. He turns his gaze to the soldier behind Sam. "And all because of you!"

"Steve! drop it, now." Sam's reluctant order leaves the blond less aggressive, returning to rest his feet fully on the ground.

"You were supposed to have been here, Bucky, you should have entered through that door, not... him!" He pointed to the assailant's body almost embedded in the concrete of the wall due to the number of blows on the torso. “Where were you?!...”

The agent tries again to reach him but Sam gets in the way.

"Steve..."

“WHERE WERE YOU?!” he yelled, tears streaming down his cheeks. His eyes narrowed and his lips tightened, trying to hold the lump in his throat. "...Where were you, Bucky?" His voice was barely a whisper between the ever-closer sirens.

Anger hits him again, just when his sight had gone out of focus, as if remembering everything. Not only the moment he saw a bullet going through the head of the love of his life, but also the smile he was giving him before that, soft, flirtatious... loving; and how it was gone so suddenly as his body rushed into his arms, and as he poured out his anger on the man's body, Tony's voice echoing softly, one, two, three times... Altering the named, making him see black, until he ran out of strength and dropped to the ground with the body of his lover in his hands.

His heart was pounding in his chest, so hard it hurt. Tony's eyes seemed to look at him even when he knew they didn't anymore. The system seemed to shut down and his Reactor stopped glowing as Steve's cries of despair grew louder and louder.

In front of his eyes he could see his worst nightmare come true, and his head was hitting him with the only two words he never wanted to see together: Love and death.

The only thing he could think of as he tore at his throat screaming was: The person I love has been murdered.

“It was your fault!” he yelled, coming to his senses once again. “You had to be here, with us! You were the one who had to take care of everything on that side!”

His voice had reached a new point and the emotions that his face reflected were chillingly sad.

Bucky spoke for the first time since they had entered there.

"Steve... I... I'm sorry." Saying so, the agent began to walk back towards the body gently lying on the ground, already ignoring the words of his best friend.

Bucky tried to take a few steps towards him but...

"Stay away! Stay away from him!" Steve yelled, enraged, stopping him dead in his tracks. "You caused this, you were the one who told us that he wanted us on this stupid mission even though we said no!" He turned to Bucky. "This is on you."

Steve fell onto his knees and pulled Tony's body against him, swaying, lulling him. His sobs soon develop into the only thing Sam and Bucky can pay attention to, even as the room is filled with cops.

No official dared touch Steve for the first 15 minutes. They all knew him after all, and seeing him that way was tearing them apart.

One of them finally approached, putting her hand on the captain's shoulder. He didn't even look at her.

“Steve, we have to go.” The agent shook his head. "You have to come with us."

Several more agents passed, all failing in the attempt. Some tried to go to Tony's side, putting their hands on him to try to separate him from Steve, but they didn't even get to that: As soon as the soldier noticed their intentions, he sobbed for them not to touch him, and if they didn't stop, then he would yell at them almost at the top of his lungs to get out of there.

It wasn't until agents arrived with direct orders to clear the area and didn't care about anything else that they managed to separate them.

Four of them grabbed Steve and lifted him up, dropping Tony's body, which two others lifted as if he were a piece of junk.

Steve lost control before the act and lunged against one of those who held him, giving him a good blow while he screamed and struggled <<Let go of me!, please, leave him alone!>>

They sedated him in that moment, making him heavy and tired in a few seconds.

"Please… don't hurt him." Tears streamed down his face and his voice trailed off a little more each time. “He doesn't like to be alone, I have to go with him, please...”

The officers began to drag him towards the exit while two others put Tony in a whitish bag, cruel.

"Tony... he's hurt, don't put him there..." He felt the world spinning and his heavy eyelids closing, making him see black. He couldn't anymore, he didn't want to anymore. His voice trailed off but the tightness in his chest continued to threaten to kill him when he, before giving up, murmured to them desperately: "He hates the dark."

Steve surrendered to the unbearable clouds that swallowed everything, and he thought that maybe that was the way it had been for Tony, he thought that maybe those officers had done him a favor and that he would soon wake up with the engineer next to him. And he would never hear from the world again.

…

The next day, Steve woke up in a hospital surrounded by presents that his colleagues had left for him. His presence was wrapped in a clean, neutral scent, and his heart clenched as he remembered all that had happened.

He had woken up to a meaningless life, without Tony.

His eyes met Sam's, who was standing outside the room, wary. Bucky peeked out from behind him, looking down as soon as his eyes met the agent's.

They were both watching it and they knew it. He knew it himself.

Steve had died. He died in the night, with his lover in his arms. And he died screaming for him.

However, the monster that took his place was silent.

[eleanorfenyxwrites]

SOLDER POET KING 👀 if you want to talk about it. Idk if you want specific questions or anything. How's it going.

But also. If you want multiple. My eyebrows went up so fast they tried to escape my face when I read "Nielan Brokeback Mountain AU"

Hi Woob!

I would LOVE to talk about Soldier, Poet, King and the Brokeback Mountain AU!!

SPK first:

It's going surprisingly well considering how long it's been since I posted 😂! I've been working verrrry slowly on the next chapter - for most of that time I've had a very vague, general idea of how I want the story to go from here but fairly early on I hit a stumbling block with the specifics of actually getting it to go there. But I've very recently figured it out!! Shower thoughts to the rescue!! So now that I have the concrete idea I just need to write it, which as we all know is also at least half the battle. That being said, there's just shy of 5k words of the next chapter written already, and I'll probably end up doing at least another few thousand before the chapter's done and ready to post. And also, while I'm not going to actually commit to a chapter count because I still don't actually know for sure exactly how much story we have left before the end, I would like to get it done in under 20, which would mean at most 6 more chapters (or 5 that are currently not written at all)? And honestly it'll probably be fewer than that considering how much I try to cram in each chapter and how close we actually are to the climax of everything I wanted to do with this story.

And now the Brokeback Mountain AU, my beloved! Ugh I (mentally) fucking roll around in this fic like a pig in mud so often it's a little embarrassing, but actually sitting down to plot/write it? I keep ending up writing the OPCU instead for the Cowboy Vibes since they're much less depressing (which is why the OPCU exists in the first place) 😅

In case you've missed the few bits I've shared for it before, I've tentatively titled it 'I Wish I Could Quit You', which I've realized since doing is a quote I've slightly misremembered, so I might end up changing it to the actual quote - or I might just leave it! I like the way it flows as it is.

I haven't posted anything new for the AU in a while so I hope you'll accept this very short little bit of brainstorming I had in my notes app a while back about who Nie Mingjue (he's Ennis Del Mar in this AU) would marry and why:

"Nie Mingjue is already engaged to Wen Qing when he meets Xichen. They met as children thanks to their parents and they've kept in contact, bonding a little over the shared experience of being orphans raising their brothers. They're both too practical and busy to wonder if their mutual respect is affection or not so they've gotten themselves engaged recently, and by the time they marry that autumn he comes down off the mountain, they have (separately) talked themselves into thinking it's romantic love."

And as a thank you gift for asking, some brand new thoughts (well I've thought them before but haven't written them until now) about how I think their arc will continue!

I think Wen Qing sees Nie Mingjue's loneliness and anger, knows exactly where a lot of it comes from (though of course not all of it), but she still doesn't really know how to help. She's good at fixing him up when he comes home with the occasional injury from working such hard jobs, she's good at rubbing the tension out of his aching muscles at the ends of long, gruelling days, but something in her doesn't know how to be emotionally vulnerable enough to let him be vulnerable in return. They don't talk about his feelings, or hers. They have two daughters, and it doesn't do anything to fix either of their issues, it only makes them worse. By the time Xichen comes to visit and she sees her husband kissing this old 'buddy' of his with a desperate passion he's never once had for her, she's almost relieved, under all the hurt and disgust and anger. She stays with him because she doesn't know what else to do, but she knows him now and it taints everything, it makes her feel stupid and foolish and useless and her pride just won't allow this to go on for much longer. They fight more and more and more, and she finally leaves him when she can force herself to face the fact that it'll just have to be her and their girls against the world, and maybe that'll be better than being trapped in a tiny apartment with this enormous man who loves in a way she can't understand. Whatever this is, she can't fix it - she never could. As much as it hurts, and as furious as his issue makes her every time he lies to her to keep fucking his 'friend', she accepts the inevitable and files for divorce without telling him what she knows. Nie Mingjue never misses a single child support payment or his turn to take one or both of the girls, even when she knows he's broke or busy with his seasonal work.

[immortalecstasy-blog]

Ashes To Angels 18+

Chapter 02/31 Pairing: Eddie Munson / Chrissy Cunningam

The last thing Chrissy can remember is bumping into her high school crush, Jason Carver, at a bar. But apparently that was nearly a year ago? She has no memories since then. But it seems like all her dreams have come true. Dream business. Dream body. Dream fiancé.

Except Rockstar Eddie Munson (Yes, that one!) is turning everything into a nightmare – because he seems to think they’ve been seeing one another for the last six months, and if his knowledge of her body is anything to go on… he may just be telling the truth.

What the hell has been going on in the last year?!

Please see AO3 'Additional Tags' for WARNINGS / More Chapters All Available Already on AO3.

It’s a huge cliché to start a chapter off with someone ‘waking up’. Especially the main character. Especially this one. But here we are, watching Chrissy Cunningham wake up.

The first thing she was aware of, is that everything hurt. Not the all-consuming agony kind of hurt, but the dull throb of continuous low-level ouch that has you walking on eggshells trying not to set off a spike. As if her blood had been replaced with something thick and heavy. Molasses maybe.

She felt something on her face and experienced a blind moment of panic – like when you misjudge a step and your whole-body tenses with the knowledge that you fucked up. But then, like when you manage to right yourself before you fall – she figured it out. She could hear beeping; could smell bleach and blood. Could hear a hum of chatter and footsteps. And she realised she was in a hospital.

She tried to open her eyes, but the stark ceiling light was painfully bright, so she reached for the straps around her face instead, jerking a bunch of wires and tubes plugged into her hand.

“Hey, hey, Chrissy? Your mask has to stay on, okay babe?”

Chrissy? Who the fuck is—oh, wait, no, yeah. Me. I’m Chrissy.

Chrissy groaned, filtering through her sluggish brain to place the voice as she finally managed to remove the mask from her face. The hospital smell increased, and she tried to open her eyes again, more carefully this time, peering out from behind the protective tangle of her lashes.

The brightness dimmed as a silhouette blocked the overhead light. She couldn’t make out his features at first but as her eyes adjusted he slowly came into focus.

She wondered if she was dead. Because no way do they make them that pretty on Earth. He looked exhausted, haggard with worry, and he had absolutely no right to be looking like a fucking heavenly apparition with bags that dark under his eyes.

“You’re awake.”

Yeah, no shit Saint Peter.

It took a few attempts, but she eventually managed to convert the most pressing thought into very croaky words.

“What happened?”

“They’re saying you fell. Busted up your elbow pretty good, dented a few ribs. You… you hit your head pretty hard.”

I fell? Chrissy thought, frowning. Picturing herself flat out on dirty concrete. Okay, that’s ‘what’…

“Where am I?”

“Saint Paul’s.”

“I’m dead?!” Chrissy blurted out in a panic. A hand quickly covered hers, warm and soft.

“No, no, the hospital.”

The man gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as she processed this, deciding what it was she needed to know next. Question Three. Is that her last question? Did you only get three? She couldn’t remember. But she knew she had to figure out the most pressing thing next.

“Who are you?”

“W-what?”

His fingers squeezed hers again, but it’s not in reassurance this time, it’s a reflex. Sharp, brief, scared. His eyes were blown wide, his pouty mouth had fallen into a perfect ‘o’ – he would look comical if it didn’t look like Chrissy had just ruined his life.

“It—It—Babe, it’s me. Jason.”

Jason? No. That wasn’t ringing any bells. But then, her head felt like someone had rung her like a bell. Chrissy could see the agony in his eyes and knew this wasn’t some kind of prank. She wondered if she should play along, save him from the panic.

But then she’s dragged back into the void, and he’s forgotten.

Someone else is there the next time Chrissy comes around, a mess of dark curls. Her joined-at-the-hip best friend, Nancy. Chrissy was hurting even more than the first time she’d woken up, as if that was even possible.

Nancy was sat in the chair by her bedside, staring off into the distance, her hand cupping her chin.

“Hey…”

Nancy startled, her head whipping around as she lunged forwards to take Chrissy’s hand.

“Hey. How you feeling?”

“Like I got into a fight with a sixteen-wheeler.”

“Stay here, Suzie told me to get her when you woke up again.”

Chrissy laughed, and it hurt like hell. “Stay here? Damn, I was planning on going for round two.”

Suzie – who turned out to be her doctor, was in the middle of rounds but sent a Nurse who quizzed Chrissy until she felt dizzy. Full name, birthday, mother’s maiden name, the alphabet, a whole array of shit Chrissy then had to try and drag up from her sluggish brain.

“Do you know the date?”

Chrissy frowned, thinking hard, “Um… September…?”

“August.” The nurse replied with a wry smile. Chrissy’s frown deepened and she shook her head.

“She means August.” Nancy said from the bedside, “Don’t you Chris?”

Nancy came back into Chrissy’s line of sight and nods at her seriously, like it’s really important that Chrissy agrees with her. Except it’s not August. Because it’s September. Her mum’s birthday was at the start of September, and they had a family meal planned to celebrate. Nancy was going.

“Do you know who this is Chrissy?” The nurse asked, pointing at Nancy. Chrissy studies her more closely, noting the red-ringed eyes and flyaway hair.

“Nancy, what happened?” Chrissy asked.

“See. She knows me. She’s fine.”

“And can you tell me Nancy’s last name?” The nurse continued.

“Wheeler.” Chrissy snapped impatiently, “Nance – what happened?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” The nurse pushed instead.

“We were at the bar. The Hideaway… What happened?”

“You had an accident.” The nurse explained. “A nasty fall.”

Chrissy huffed impatiently; she knew that bit.

“A rough fall down some stairs. Can you tell me what you’ve been up to in the last few days? Before you went to the bar?”

“Wh… I don’t know, it was the end of the semester, all the days blur into one…”

“Semester?” Nancy asked, sitting up straighter.

“Yeah?”

“What happened at the bar? What were we talking about?”

“Wh—I—I don’t know. We were hanging out – you, me, and Barb – celebrating, and then Jason started talking to me and I… I spent most of the night with him.”

“What were we celebrating?” Nancy pushed. She seemed so stressed out that Chrissy tried to give her a reassuring smile.

“Moving back to Hawkins…”

“That happened last September.” Nancy whispered.

Chrissy almost laughed, but the look on Nancy’s face told her this was not a joke.

Nancy seemed even more alarmed when Chrissy didn’t recognise the doctor when she finally finished her rounds and made an appearance.

“Can you tell me what my name is?” She asked as she approached. Chrissy gave her an incredulous look. Even if she had perfect eyesight she wouldn’t be able to read the little nametag from here. “No…?”

“Why doesn’t she remember you?” Nancy demanded of the doctor.

The doctor gave her an admonishing look and turned to examine Chrissy, reviewing her chart and the notes from the nurse’s interrogation.

“Calm down.” The doctor told Nancy, before smiling at Chrissy. “Chrissy, do you remember anything else after your night at the bar?”

Chrissy shook her head, “You guys are really freaking me out. What’s happening? Did I drink too much?”

“You’re had a head injury. Sometimes, with head injuries you can experience some degree of amnesia.”

“She doesn’t have amnesia.” Nancy protested.

“Don’t panic.” The doctor re-assured, pushing her glasses up her nose, “There are many different types and degrees of—”

“She’s awake?!”  Came a voice from the doorway.

Jason was there, practically bursting through the door. Worry creasing his otherwise Adonis-worthy face. Chrissy couldn’t understand why he was there.

She’d had the biggest crush on him all through high school, but he’d never really paid her any attention. Other than a few short conversations in the hallways, their evening at The Hideaway had been the first time they’d really spoken.

“Sir, it’s family only.” The nurse protested at his entrance, as if Nancy wasn’t sat right there.

“I am family.” He growled, his face twisting.

“It’s okay.” The doctor told the nurse, waving a dismissive hand.

Chrissy watched Jason’s face relax as he came closer, staring somewhere around her middle. Chrissy flushed, very aware of the unflattering hospital gown and totally in the dark about the state of her face or hair.

“I’m her fiancé.” He told them.

Nancy’s head span around so fast it was like she’d been possessed by a demon or a very dramatic owl, Chrissy followed their gaze down to her hand, her ring finger was empty.

He seemed to notice her gaze.

“It’s on the nightstand. They removed it for some of the tests.”

Chrissy turned to look at the nightstand, where a giant diamond twinkled merrily. Her whole world was spinning and if this was some sick joke they all needed to stop it right now.

“Nance, this isn’t funny.” Chrissy whimpered, begging her friend to drop the act, but Nancy doesn’t pull back a curtain to reveal the cameras, she just looks back at her, her expression a perfect reflection of the terror Chrissy could feel creeping up from the balls of her feet and up her legs into her stomach.

“Baby.” Jason whispered, “You don’t remember yet? What happened?”

“She doesn’t remember.” Nancy snapped coldly.

Chrissy felt like they were all rushing ahead, and she was seriously falling behind. “Fiancé?”

Jason looked puzzled just for a moment before everyone filled him in. Chrissy got wheeled away for a dozen more tests, MRI, CT, EC… something, a whole bunch of acronyms.

Jason was asleep in the visitors chair when she was finally allowed to go back to bed. Nancy was nowhere to be seen.

Chrissy was worn out from all the tests. Lost and confused as to why the last year seemed to have disappeared from her memory and why there was a huge fucking rock that belonged on her finger, apparently given to her by a guy that – in her mind – she literally spoke to properly for the first time yesterday. She might have crushed on him for years, but up until last night she had been pretty sure that she hadn’t even existed to him.

She can’t help the tears that start rolling down her cheeks once she’s back in bed, and despite trying to stifle them to avoid the embarrassment of waking up the totally hot Jason, she either fails in her attempts or he’s a really light sleeper, because he’s out of his chair and hovering over her, stroking back her hair.

“Chrissy, babe, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I don’t understand.”

He hushed and soothed, and Chrissy closed her eyes, turning her cheek into his hand. He was so warm, so nice. She’d been so excited for him to talk to her, the conversation had flowed so beautifully between them, the hours had felt like minutes and when the bar closed she hadn’t even been tired. When he’d asked when she was next out, it had felt like he was maybe asking her out, but she’d assumed that was wishful thinking. Clearly that must’ve happened, and then some. She was just glad that she had at least caught that one night’s memory. Enough to trust him and draw comfort from the hand on her cheek.

“Try to get some sleep.” He suggested, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, “I’m going to be right here, okay?”

Chrissy nodded as his thumb ghosted under her eyes to mop up her tears and let him tuck her into bed like she was a child. When he went to sit down she reached out and grabbed his hand.

“I don’t…”

He nodded in understanding, hooking his chair with one foot to pull it closer to the bed so she could still hold onto him as she drifted to sleep. But as soon as she rolled onto her side her ribs screamed at her and she gasped, rolling back onto her back with a cry.

“Are you okay?! Do you need me to get the nurse?”

“I’m fine.” Chrissy gasped. “I’m just… oooh, it just hurts on my side, that’s all.”

He dragged his hand through his hair, looking physically sick with worry.

“I thought I’d lost you. It’s been hell. You’ve been incoherent for days; I was so scared…”

“I’m here now.” Chrissy reassured him, “well, most of me, I guess.”

She reached over to the nightstand, scooping up the engagement ring and then holding it out to him.

Beaming, he slid the ring back on her finger, toying with it, and his frown slowly morphed into a small smile.

“I love seeing this ring on your finger. Seeing you wear it.” He told her, looking up from her hand and into her face.

“Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

Chrissy grinned, “About how it happened.”

“How?” Jason asked, bringing her hand to his lips, and kissing it. “I’m a lucky bastard, that’s how.”

“No, I mean…” Chrissy started, but then shook her head, “Lucky to be engaged to a girl with a bust-up face who can’t even remember dating you?”

Jason laughed, his eyes crinkling. “I’m sure I can use it to my advantage somehow.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I can remind you about all the foot rubs, and homemade dinners, the flowers. Babe, I’m the world’s greatest boyfriend.”

“Mixtapes?”

“Huh?”

“How many mixtapes have you made me?”

He paused. “Okay. I admit I haven’t ever actually made you a mixtape.”

“And I accepted your proposal?” Chrissy scoffed.

His smile softened as his thumb ghosts over the back of her hand. “I love you, Chris.”

She could tell he meant it, and even more surprisingly, she could feel it in her chest. Like it was a fact she just knew even if she couldn’t remember how it got there. But she didn’t know how to reply. She did’t know him, even if she did know him. It just…

“It’s okay.” He told her gently, “I know you don’t remember. I can just win you all over again.”

Win me? Chrissy thought, a little perturbed by his choice of words even if she admired the sentiment.

“You’re tired.” He reminded her, “Get some sleep, okay?”

When she woke up the next morning, it was to the sound of talking. It was the doctor she was supposed to know who woke her up, Dr Bingham.

Nancy was there again, and Jason.

Retrograde Amnesia

That’s what it was called. Apparently there was a high chance her memories would come back in time. But it could be hours, weeks, even months.

“So, you still don’t remember this? You don’t remember me giving it to you?” Jason asked, lifting up her hand and dazzling them all with the engagement ring.

Chrissy shook her head sadly.

“Yeah, when did that happen anyway?” Nancy demanded hotly, but Chrissy could barely focus on her best friends’ questions, too busy trying to remember. Maybe he was down on one knee? But… no. The ring means as little to her as the Doctor she apparently knows.

They were all told that the best way to kick-start her memory was for her to resume life as normal, but that wouldn’t happen until all the tests came back and Chrissy was cleared to leave.

Jason was loathe to leave her, but his phone was ringing non-stop, and he guiltily explained that he ran his own business, a gym, and had left a rather clueless friend in charge.

“I remember that. You telling me you owned a gym.” She told him with a bright smile.

That made him even more reluctant to go.

“It’s okay.” Chrissy reassured him, “No, really, you should go. Nance is here. I’ll be fine.”

Jason had nodded distractedly, still looking torn as he left.

The remainder of the tests eventually came back, Chrissy was cleared to leave after thirty-six hours of observation and more tests, and with the caveat of several follow up appointments and check ins.

Nancy brought her some clothes to go home in if she was ever released, and Chrissy was surprised to find she didn’t recognise any of them.

“How’d you sleep?” Nancy asked her.

“Like a baby.” Chrissy lied.

“Really?”

“Well, in the getting woken up every two hours way.” Chrissy joked, picking up the clothes.

“Are these yours?” Chrissy scoffed, knowing there was no chance she would ever fit in Nancy’s clothes. Although, these ones did look a little big for Nancy.

“No, they’re yours.” Nancy told her. Chrissy frowned, pulling open the waist of the jeans to view the tag, Size 10. That was impossible. Chrissy was a size 16 on a good day.

Chrissy rolled carefully onto her side, weary of her ribs, and then pushed herself up into a sitting position.

“I brought your toiletries and stuff too, I thought you might want a shower.”

Nancy said it nicely, but the little nose wrinkle told Chrissy this was less of a suggestion and more of a demand.

Chrissy hobbled to the shower. The first thing she noticed when she looked in the mirror was her face. Oh god! My face….! There was an awful bruise on her cheekbone, snaking up under her eye, another on her forehead. Both were black and purple and horrible. Then she noticed her body.

She was… thin.

Chrissy had never been thin in her life. She’d never been obese either, but she’d always been plump, even with her mom’s constant nagging and dietary suggestions.  Bruises aside she looked… she looked amazing. She stared at the body in front of her, tears of gratitude rolling down her cheeks.

She showered carefully, and when she was squeaky clean, dried, and moisturised, she turned to the clothes Nancy had brought her with excitement bubbling in her very flat tummy.

They fit. Not even the tight fit of her size 16’s. They weren’t even snug. She’d gone down two cup sizes, but that didn’t even factor in here. She was staring at the body she had longed for – had dreamed of – for years.

She wondered if Jason’s gym had had anything to do with it, and the excitement bubbled over again. The night she’d met him – apparently a year ago – she’d struggled to understand why he was interested in her, why someone that beautiful, that charismatic, that charming, would’ve wanted her.

Looking at herself in the mirror now, the ring on her finger suddenly seemed a lot less confusing.

[erithacusrou]

Whew... I was incredibly groggy when I wrote this but I promised myself I would jot down some goals for the new year. I honestly didn’t prepare much for the end of the year, and I’m making this list last minute without any forethought or planning, so I’m not really cutting anything cold turkey or “starting fresh,” but more trying to build into healthy habits as the year goes on. I tried to list concrete goals too so I have something tangible to aim for, but I know I won’t be hitting those right off the bat.

• For starters, I want to eat better. Start out by limiting sweets to once a day because I have a terrible addiction to them, and add in more whole fruits and vegetables and varied starches. Less fast food especially. I enjoy healthy foods, I just have a problem about forgetting about them and letting them go bad... Or going for the easy/quick food option instead of opting for the physical act of making something.

• Leading in from the last one, I need to start cooking. I don’t particularly enjoy it because, like the dishes, it involves standing over the counters in the kitchen, which is painful if done for more than a few minutes unless I’m binding and wearing shoes (which I have obstinate objections to doing in my own home even if it eases my pain). But I haven’t cooked anything in over a year and I’m feelin’ kind of guilty and useless about it. Maybe I’ll start out doing it infrequently and ease into it with box meals like hamburger helper, and maybe by the end of the year I’ll be cooking weekly meals with everyone else? Doing basic meal prep instead of buying freezer meals? My cooking skills are currently limited to following instructions on Kraft mac and cheese boxes so we’ll see how this one turns out. I’m anxious to learn how to cook. Not that I don’t have good teachers and the internet to help me, I just know I’m gonna forget something on the burner or forget to add something or otherwise be hindered by my impaired memory, and the fear of failure is strong.

• I need to drink more water, and less...everything else. I’m constantly drinking something but it’s never water. I think it’s my need for a constant steady stream of stimulation, and sweet flavored drinks satiate that need, but I really do need more water. Less soda and more tea at least (dear god we have so much tea in this house). Current goal is to manage chugging water at least once daily, and keep my water bottle on me when I’m at my desk so I can sip on it as a stim.

• I want to keep up with my daily routine and healthy habits better. Taking my medicine, brushing my teeth, skincare, etc. I’ve got an app that I’ve been using to help me, but as someone with literally no willpower and an inability to manufacture my own motivation for things that are not novel or don’t have a deadline rapidly approaching, I’m going to have trouble with this one.

• Exercising... I want to get started here but there’s just so much information out there on this subject. I think I want to do cardio, strength training, and flexibility exercises. I live in an apartment complex with a Planet Fitness on the first floor, but my budget’s kinda tight, and I don’t really feel safe or confident walking city streets since people drive stupid around here and I don’t trust them. But coming up with varied exercise routines so I don’t stagnate and remembering names (and proper form) of different exercises will be my downfall. I don’t really have goals other than “be healthier than I currently am,” but losing fat and gaining muscle would be great. I hope I can figure out working out 3x weekly by the end of the year because I dunno how much cardio/lifting/stretching I need to do and in what amounts or on which days yet.

• Journaling. I’ve been doing it consistently since mid-December, writing down how I’m feeling and what I’m doing throughout the day, what I’ve eaten and who I’m with. My goal is to continue doing this. I’ve felt very compelled to write entries since I started, and the app I use has a tagging system to keep things organized. It’s becoming more natural to open my journal app when I’m idly thinking to myself and write it down, and I feel like having my thoughts to look back on will help with my memory maybe?

• In that vein, I want to plan better. I want to chart out periods of time to work on art and chores, setting achievable goals for me to complete daily/weekly/monthly. This requires me getting better at estimating how long it will take to do tasks, and improving my focus and willpower to get them done with minimal breaks and distractions (I may not see a lot of improvement in this area because of my brain funk, but I do want to try).

• I also want to share more of myself and not be such a recluse. Right now, I have personal accounts on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. I’m not an exceptionally talkative person, and I’m working on posting to those sites as a way to open up to others. I’m also hoping to make more of an effort this year to talk to people personally, like and comment on their work or photos or statuses, just socialize in general. I used to be much better about commenting and striking up conversation, but as my art kinda fell to the wayside because of my brain, so did my social life. Sometimes talking for me is like pulling teeth, and sometimes it’s enjoyable for me. Depends on the day really. But I’m trying to reach out and do more “unnecessary” things that I haven’t been doing because my brain holed itself up into only thinking about survival.

Art goals!

• This is the year I work through my owed art. I’m almost done with the project that has taken the longest.. Not that it’s given me problems per se, I just psyched myself out of working on it before I even started and developed a social media addiction fueled by my neurodivergency and just proceeded to do nothing of relevance for a few years because of it... I am recovering! I am working on it! Im hoping to finish the current project this month, and then finish my other two projects before summer starts. For 2014 me, this wouldn’t even be an ambitious goal, but 2022 me really struggled... it’s a soft deadline that I’m hoping will instill some urgency in me since I can’t find urgency in anything else.

• I’m also hoping to jump into giving Rou a real reference this year. I don’t expect to “finish” it because I’m a terrible monster and his ref is going to be several different parts (markings, hair, outfits, accessories, everyday items, palettes, etc), but I want to at least get a simple and complex markings reference down at least.

• I’m going to start making and sharing bad art. My instinct when I have a bad sketch is to erase it and draw a better one in its place. I want to work on sketching more, and keeping the sketches I don’t like instead of erasing and drawing over them. I’m going to work on allowing myself to create imperfect art, art that doesn’t have to be finished. Art that isn’t created for the end goal of a finished piece of work, but for the purpose of creation itself.

• Another goal is to learn more. Do more studies, watch more videos, learn how to use the tools at my disposal more efficiently. I don’t know how much new information I’ll retain, due to my aforementioned impaired memory, but art-related new information imprints on my brain more easily than most other new material so I’m going to be working on it this year. I’d like to work up to a small photo or reference study most days, but a more realistic goal looks closer to 2 days a week.

• For general art goals, I’m looking to start drawing once a week (since I’ve currently been managing like...once a month), with the goal of at least 3 days a week, working upward to 5 days a week when I’m feeling really ambitious. Nothing necessarily major, just at least a little warmup even if I’m not feeling up to intense work, to keep my mind active and flexible. This is going to be a lot easier now that I’ve got an iPad, but I’d like to to plenty of doodles and style experiments in my sketchbooks as well.

• I’m also going to work on looking at my own art in a different light. Right now, I feel like all my art is cringy and embarrassing, like people see it and they think I’m pretentious because I hold myself a certain way and my art doesn’t measure up. Or I feel like my art is just awkward-looking, like the poses are not quite natural, the variations in line thickness are not in aesthetically pleasing places, like I don’t use negative space and proportion well... I want to find a new perspective and try to see my art the way others see it, so I can gain awareness of the way I present myself as well.

2022 wasn’t really an awful year, looking back. I was the most financially stable I’ve ever been, and I felt like I didn’t have to panic about money for the first time in a while (I’ve got new car payments in 2023 so money will be a little tighter now...). Covid was the source of a lot of stress for me personally, but that wasn’t new of course; it just got worse because people stopped masking and started pretending the pandemic was over. And even though we lost our car, we were in good fortune enough to get another one in quick order (I’m very thankful for that). It could have been a lot worse. My family is all safe and doing well, I wake up under the same roof with some of the most important people in my life, my pets are all happy and healthy, and I have space to create and enjoy the things that make me happy. I hope the new year delivers the same to everyone else.

[clunelover]

Ahhh haha - idk if I’ve posted much about this project I’ve been the manager for at work…it was sort of an informal arrangement (ie no actual authority) where I was directing the work of two of my peers, in the same way our internal stakeholders would usually be doing, only for this project my old boss was like “for this data, you are the end user, so act like a stakeholder and just say what you need, and let them figure out how to do it.”

This was in the hands of one rockstar team member at my level (although, my view of him as a rockstar has shifted somewhat from working so closely with him on this, he’s good at taking something and running with it, but bad at communicating, and I’ve since had another team member tell me she thinks I write better queries than him cause he does all these nested sub queries and it’s hard to read), and one new-ish coworker who seems to be kind of a dud.

It was supposed to be dud coworker’s first big project with less concrete directions and the need to figure things out on her own, with rockstar-ish guy helping her.

It was also the first time I’ve acted in this kind of advisory role. This unfortunately all fell apart very quickly, as dud coworker could NOT take “I need output that looks like blah” and translate it into what she needed to do. I started then with a little more guidance - “okay so the way I’d tackle this is, here is a list of data elements I need. We want to match the data we already have as much as possible, but this data is from a different system so they don’t use the same names, and some things they just might not have an analogous column. So, I’ve got you started- we have something called policy state, but they call it state of premium. So you need to do that kind of mapping, using their data dictionary to deduce analogous columns.”

She said she got it, and then disappeared for weeks without saying anything more. When she resurfaced after I asked for an update, she had done basically nothing. I tried to explain again, did a little bit more hand holding on how to work with the data dictionary (admittedly intimidating, probably the biggest excel file I’ve ever worked with, a million tabs and then each of them had additional appendices in still more tabs).

In the end, she turned “I only need these ten columns but you have to try to make them match the data we already have as closely as possible” into “I am bringing in every column in this raw data, and turning every column that’s a code into its string value from the data dictionary, which is taking me thousands of lines of code, and forgoing any effort to match things up to the data we already have.” I was SO ANNOYED but also after going round and round so much, it became evident that that was about as much as she could do - not enough critical thinking skills to do what I’d originally asked.

So I decided that, since I ultimately need to feed this into a key financial summary dataset, that I’d just grab the columns I needed from what she created, and do the mapping and aliasing myself. But I mentioned that to dud coworker’s boss (she’s in the other half of my team with a different boss) who was like “wow I didn’t know how badly she’d done at this/how much extra work she made of it. It’s contrary to what she told me she was doing. And I know [my old boss/her former counterpart] was annoyed at how it turned out and tried to explain it to me, but I didn’t fully grasp what she’d done til now. Should she be made to fix it in her data rather than you doing it downstream?” And I said for best practices probably yeah, but very dubious value to that given how long everything takes her. So she said she’d think about it and let me know.

She just got back to me and said yes, she’s going to make dud coworker fix it. I then got quite explicit with how much hand holding I’d been doing with her (like, spontaneous phone calls at each step of the way over things she was confused about that at this point shouldn’t be confusing). I asked if she wanted me to continue this level of help or try to be more hands off. And she said “I really, truly appreciate this feedback. And I am doing ‘stuff’ with it. I would like to see what [dud coworker] can do on her own.”

So…eee! Maybe she’s finally going on a PIP! I mean I feel bad because being fired is bad, but also it’s just so clearly not a good fit job for her. She’s also rubbed me the wrong way with all her communication (I’ll reiterate - unannounced spontaneous teams calls!!) and she’s always emphatic that she understands something when she often doesn’t understand. Any time I ask her to try to get more info from someone/follow up, etc, the messages she sends to these people are always kind of overwrought/weirdly commanding, and make me cringe and wish I’d just written them myself?

Oh and this is BEC but I’ve also side eyed her because when it became clear we’d all be working from home for the foreseeable future, she decided to move based on finding a school system with

- strong academic programming/high level of academic success for students

- great basketball teams

For her son…who is like seven years old. And so moved from Wisconsin to some suburb of Atlanta, just on that basis. Anyway yeah I just think her overall judgment is odd and this seems to be a work thing and possibly extends beyond work.

Wow that was a crazy long post with way too high a level of detail on work stuff! But once I got halfway in I had to keep writing it!

[micahweissberg]

his mother can be so stubbornly set in their ways. micah doesn't want to change them (he'd probably be freaked out if they started going out to party every weekend) but he had spent a sizable chunk of his childhood being a forty-year old kid making decisions for himself where a valid id isn't required or navigating the perilous waters of social conventions and situations when his mother becomes too overwhelmed. but each time, he returned to her, because he had to, legally, and because they were still his mother. he needed her, and they needed him.

the introduction of severine into her life—both their lives, as much as he wanted nothing to do with the woman—had been for the better, though he would never openly admit such a thing. her presence couldn't have had better timing, either, as micah was starting to form his own relationships, map out his future, and with his mother's companion around, there was some relief to be had at the idea that he would be leaving them in good, capable hands. then, of course, came the guilt, that he'd be leaving them at all. and jealousy, each time they'd call about that dinner they went to with severine's friends, how they spent a weekend at a ski town with severine, the new coffee machine severine got them. severine, severine, severine.

and then severine was gone. and he hadn't realized how much his mother had hinged on her, or the idea of her, that in her absence, there was nothing. or, at least, there wasn't a plan. aren't adults supposed to have everything figured out? what was the point of growing up, then?

"no, no, mom, i get that-" he tries to interrupt when they run down the list of people who've left (her ex-husband's name, of course, needed no mention). the curse of object permanence is knowing that something will continue to exist even if it is no longer there and all you're left with is the wretched feeling of being left. and micah sympathizes with his mother, though he knows that pity is the last thing she would want him to feel for her. but there has to be more to this than following your son and ex-husband around just because there's nobody else. "i guess... if you're gonna stay here, i don't want you to be like some forest cryptid people try to look for at night." he says this lovingly, of course, with a mildly amused huff at the mental imagery he provides. though, he supposes, it's more likely that people will try to pin down saul weissberg's three ex-wives in blue harbor like they're playing pokemon go.

"wait, since when are we so concerned about what family does?" it's not a rhetorical question meant to humiliate his mother. he really is curious to know. despite the presence of his maternal grandparents and uncles and cousins, he didn't exactly feel like he had a normal childhood growing up. and while he never held that against any of his family members (he'd embraced it, really), he didn't think 'the things that families do' were in the forefront of his mother's mind this whole time. "well, maybe i don't want him to take me back," he says at the mention of his father. "maybe i just want him to know what it feels like." the desire to hurt his father by spending an entire summer with him only to disappear once the leaves turn brown wasn't initially the plan. he never pegged himself to be the exacting vengeance type, but- "we'll see." like many times before, and with different people in his life, he makes no concrete promises, only vague statements in place of a lie. you really should be a lawyer, an ex had said after he'd won an argument on a technicality. he wasn't much different with his mother. he wonders if it's the same with his father.

tossing aside all the broken up pieces of leaf, he reaches for a long, skinny branch by his feet and starts drawing trenches for the ants on the ground. his mother takes their place beside him, a proverbial white flag raised as the summer cicadas usher in the evening with it sweeping chorus. the birds have likely gone deeper into the forest to roost. the thrushes have won this round.

he makes a face at the way his mother paints a morbid picture of death. not because it's a disturbing thought, but more because he'd been challenged. "if we're talkin' about those statistics, you should probably leave the house more often first." he pokes at his mother's leg with the stick. "and who the fuck is thoreau?"

As Micah sat on the ground, Terry stood above him. It was a rare picture, one that became fewer and farther between over the years, owing a myriad of reasons. His height, partly. His long stretches of absences. Then: their own. In lieu of joining him, Terry rested their back flat against the bark, its rough, jagged edges of it almost wielding a certain comfort. The thrush had stopped singing, settled perhaps for foraging at this late hour close to sunset. Each party would have to make their way back home eventually.

Below the white oak tree stood an abundance of great white trilliums, contrasting the soil of the forest floor, the dark of their jeans, and their leather-clad feet. 

It was always easier to exist, here, unfettered by the mundanities and little distractions of their everyday life. Still, Micah’s words still rang in their brain, disrupting the comfort of the forest, or maybe just pulling her back to harbor. Maybe he realizes how she’s already retreating further back into herself, impossible in their stillness. What’s the plan?  “The plan is the same,” they said, bore the same insistent inflection from earlier, when they’d abandoned his nickname.

But then they’d repeat the exercise: Micah’s argument, Terry’s mild defense, his belligerent concession. So they opted for something else instead. “Micah, I don’t know where else I should go.” The truth punctured—stabbed—the forest air. “Abe and Ezra have left Manhattan. Mama, too. And your grandfather, and Severine…” They don’t quite know why they leave her for last. The wound was fresher, maybe. Or if the gravity of the breakup had felt just as heavy as a passing. Neither options were particularly satisfying to them. 

“The plan is to see you grow up and grow old, because that’s what family should do,” they repeated their argument, appending the moral clause. “Your father shouldn’t take you back because you should’ve never been left.” It was all too easy to put the blame on Saul, but Terry had faults of their own. It had been far easier to go at their own pace when everything at all at once was calling your attention, when everything demanded to be retranslated before it could be understood—and then they’d have to recalibrate their response, their own way of living, in kind. “I know that it’s strange that we’re here. It shouldn’t be. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to see that. I just need you to finish this internship, your schooling, and then you can decide from there.” 

In his last years, their Pa’s eyes would catch her own and Terry would find something like regret, or pity, in them, and they wondered if he’d ever wanted to ask if she was ever lonely, or frightened, but those abstract thoughts were constantly pushed down in favor of something more tangible until an answer was no longer in the table. “And I don’t want you to come home anymore and see that you’ve broken into two parts again,” they cautioned, absently, but the moment was over. 

Terry chose that moment to finally sit down on the patch of earth, brushing down the damp soil with the back of their hand, freeing the space of any small twigs or branches before settling in. Whatever calculations they might have concocted to make sense of the world paled to the forest’s own: trees, flowers, the sigh of the wind, the leaves rustling, the faint weave of birdsong. It was more than enough to keep an architect humble.

“Don’t be stupid, Doc. It’s statistically more likely that I will die before you,” they snapped a twig underfoot, but returned his quip anyway with a ghoulish thought of their own, “and your father will die earlier than I will. There are more widows than widowers, you know.” 

Careful not to intrude on the wildflowers’ growth, Terry brought their knees close to their chest, further into herself, into the earth. “The backup plan is that I live like Thoreau,” they shrugged, “maybe it can be my late-in-life nickname. It sounds a bit close, after all.”

[stonewallsposts]

YOLO, Making the Most of Life, and What That Means to Me

The idea of "you only live once" (YOLO) came up at church. YOLO carries the challenge to live life to the fullest, to make the time count. But what does that mean to us?  

For some people, guys usually, it seems to mean jumping out of a plane... or doing some extreme sport-type of stuff. Maybe they feel like they need to face off against death or something. For lots of people, fully "living" seems loosely connected with achieving a certain lifestyle, or amount of stuff. For some it's making some sort of 'impact', or 'leaving a legacy'. 

What, in my mind, would constitute living my life to the fullest? 

As a Christian, the answer would be living out the things God has mapped out for me. And then doing those things. But it does get tricky when trying to figure out what exactly that is.  

For my life, that would have to include prayer, since that's a specific thing I've been called to do. IF I spend time in prayer, I find the Lord does give me direction for my life. I just have to take the concrete steps to do that. 

But in my mind, I would say it means impacting others' lives in a positive way, is the thing I'd like to feel like I've done at the end of my life. 

I'm sure when I'm ready to die, that I won't care about the kinds of finishes I managed to get on household appliances, or the model of car that I drove. I won't regret that I never ate at certain restaurants. (though I do regret now having eaten at some...) 

At least in some capacity, I've been able to positively impact some people's lives to a limited degree. But if there is an area I'd want to focus on, it would be finding ways to be involved in other people's lives, because you have to at least be involved in their lives to positively impact them, and then finding ways I can bear their burdens and impact them positively. 

When I consider the areas I have some influence to impact people's lives, I see a few: 

1. Family 

My wife would be my first concern, but then as our parents age, I am responsible for them as well. I'm the oldest in my family, and consequently, the burden rests on my shoulders to make decisions for my mom and aunt, help with whatever needs to be done, and generally support and take care of her and my aunt. My wife is the youngest of the three in her family, so maybe we have less responsibility in my in-laws situation, but I have a feeling we will nonetheless play an important part. 

My sons are both well into adulthood, so I have less impact on their lives. Still, I have a responsibility and desire to impact them positively. I won't have grandkids, but I do have a niece and some nephews that are in dire need of positive influence. 

These make up the possibilities in the family. 

2. work 

I have good relationships with the people I work with, and thankfully, my boss is a social person that loves company events and social interaction. I have lots of opportunities to encourage and help people there; to treat them with respect and be a good example. I love the job and hope it continues for years.  

So far I feel like I've been a positive influence. 

3. church 

I have less influence at church now than I did back in 2018. But I fear the negative impact I had through my actions there have perhaps undone a lot of what I had hoped was positive impact. Nevertheless, I've tried to stay and own what happened. And I feel like not having run away, I've been able to build back some of a tattered reputation. I don't expect that I'll ever be in the position I was, but that's ok, I don't need the position. But I still hope I can be a positive impact to some people. 

Even since then, we've had opportunities to minister to some people that were going through similar circumstances, and who've now come through the other side. I hope that will be remembered positively. 

I know that some of the work we did, such as opening our home up to two homeless women, had a lifechanging impact, at least in one of them. There are others that I helped over the years, who I'm certain haven't forgotten us or discount the help due to my sin.  

But I continue to do outreach to the community and hope to impact others through those channels.  

I don't know what the Lord has for me in ministry in the future, but I'm trying to be proactive at this point and consider how I can touch people's lives. 

4. condo complex 

I joined the HOA board right after moving in, basically so I'd have entrance into people's lives. It has nonetheless been tougher to have any impact here than other places, since we essentially run our own lives with minimal input from the board. So every once in a while I get to help out, but it's not so often. 

Still, I'll continue to serve because it does give me opportunity to interact with my neighbors, even if sometimes it's a pain in the butt. 

I have two areas that I spend time and money on that probably don't fit in how I've described getting the "most out of life". 

The first is reading books so I can consider myself well-read. I can make an argument that I'm doing so with an aim to understanding life and people. But to be fair, some of it's just because I want to consider myself well-read at some point, and reading lots of classics is the way I'm trying to accomplish that. 

The second is traveling. I'd like to see every state in the US, and then get some more travel outside the US too. I DO believe travel, and particular seeing different cultures and meeting different people can contribute to being a well-rounded person.  

I could try and convince myself that those two things are done with an aim to better myself, and a better me could contribute in some way in counseling others, but in all honesty, I don't think they are really necessary for impacting other people. So should I spend time on them? I could also make a case for cutting them out, but ...well... I don't really want to. I still want to enjoy this life I've been given, and those things bring ME enjoyment.  

But if I have a resolution, it would be to get back to prayer and find ways to be involved with others and impact their lives for the good. Oh... and drop 10-11 kilos. I hate the gut I've developed over the last 4 years. 

I started up the diet again at the end of November ( a terrible time to start a diet, I know) and have already dropped from 82.6 to 80.1. I want to get back to <70. Hopefully this year... and then I can put on some of my suits and 'thin' clothes again. 

[taxideermy]

Recovery /Sarcasm

Every Morning when I came Home from that Hellhole

I tried to get some sleep with morning birdsong clocking me upside the Head

Yet the Motherfuckers are Silent when You Roll In today, I’m not surprised

I’ve got my Ass to the Smooth Concrete on my Porch, and of course

The first dregs of Shivering Autumn are Hinting on my nose

My legs propped up with the meat of my calf across my opposing Knee

I had my Gaze on the glistening Grass as the Sun hid behind the Resolute Oaks

I smoothly raise my eyes and raise to my toes- and my boots are on the porch

Caked in Mud from my Walk Last Night Still- So I am Soaked

Straight to the Bone as I make the trek across the yard in my black socks

Out of habit, and as Animalistic as the Purr that Rumbles through my Chest

I pull you in over my top palette even from that Distance

And I’m so pleased when I don’t taste the tang of Blood in the Air

I’m counting my steps, already having plotted the course of the Morning

I had a guess you were coming in, yesterday upon waking

Call it an Educated Guess, and I’m a Recovering Alcoholic

So I have to plan what I’m going to say or I’ll say something that Will

Have you Thinking again for another couple of Weeks and Geeze

I never Claimed to be a Good Person, Now did I?

I’ve done enough Things I Regret not to Add to the List if I can help it

Beneath the Roiling Lavender Glim I duck beneath a weeping Silver Maple

And when I Smile, it is Stilted and Sick, a tentative Slender willow of a Thing

It doesn’t reach my eyes and hardly ever does, and you Notice That

Because of-Fucking-course you Do, Take Lock and Stock down the Barrel

“Howvya Been?” - “Oh it’s Been” - and Oh, has it been, It has Been- Hasn’t it? You’ve already got the Blue Collars half-hanging off Round Shoulders

You never did Starch Yours, I remember- I did because of Course I Did

I eye the patches with an indescribable something in my eyes

Wave over my shoulder, and turn towards the house- dipping momentarily

To pick up my boots and drag them just inside the door, I’ve taken Stock Too

I’m trained with those little banged-up rifles we lean out the Towers With

Just as well as you are, even though it has been Months since I Died

Took myself off of the Life Support, and still the last dregs of My Shift

Run through my Veins even as my Heart Fails me Now

I’m just the Caffeine polluting the System, That’s all I ever was Really

And hardly have I ever been anything More than the summation of That

Did You notice I died when I left? No one Came to the Funeral

I didn’t even go, What a Fucking Dweeb, I’m too cool to Pallbear my own Casket

I stopped missing me a long time ago, I’ve been Waiting for Something to Stop

I don’t even know what it is and I’m half-hoping

That while you’re Drunk on My Couch that You’ll Magically

Tell me all the secrets in the world even though I’m the one Helping You Out

Thankfully I’m already several down by the time I remember Why you are Here

So that the swallow that rolls down my parched Throat seems Natural

“I need to take a Piss- Now Dontcha Look at My Literary Porn, be-because

If you do I won’t be held responsible for You

Having to Reposition How you Think About Me and a-all that Shit.”

And then I stumble down the Hallway to take a leak, Head Already Spinning

I Remember to Wash my hands Thankfully, and dry them off on my Pants Legs

And you’re just Beaming and it Reaches your Eyes and I just think- ‘There’s my Best Friend,

He’s a Good Person because that smile

Still manages to reach up and wrinkle the corners of his eyes

Even though he Still Works There.’

Then I die a little more inside, and I didn’t even know it was Possible

I’ve sank to so many lows that there isn’t a Borehole or a Trench

In any ocean that can hold a sooty candle to the depths of Depravity that

We’ve already so uncleanly Burned-Over in those Low Mornings beneath the Birdsong

And still you sit on my couch and you match me drink per drink and I shiver

Because I don’t think I ever figured friends out and maybe it isn’t possible for me to

And I’m Terrified of making you another Mistake or Two without meaning to

Because I scarcely know how to not Fuck Up, Just that I keep Doing It

And also my fucking Socks are still wet and you never said Shit… Thanks Bro

Still, I draw breath, ever Passing among the Living somehow, and I squint-

“You didn’t read That Shit did you?”

I could barely walk let alone Read or Anything Right Now,

But I’m a Recovering Alcoholic and I’m Speaking in Cursive

And you aren’t Recovering and Your Voice is Ever-Clear

You’re just an Alcoholic so of course you Aren’t Drunk

And you are Positively Beaming- and of course

“You did, didn’t you?”