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meta-squash · 4 years ago

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I did a long thread on twitter analyzing/interpreting You’re My Waterloo for the fun of it, but it was mostly for the amusement/interest of myself and like one other friend on there that likes The Libertines. So I figured I’d transcribe it over here where people might get more out of it? Since it was a twitter thread, the sentences might be a bit weird and stilted, by the way. So:

I'm glad they waited to record Waterloo until 2015. I feel like any other time would have been wrong. I know Peter was playing the slow version back in at least 2007 but I think it would have been sad in a different way if they had recorded it before 2015. Like, in 2015 it's just a straight up love song that's slightly sad because, well, it's Peter. If they had recorded it before I feel like it'd have been a love song with resentment wound through it. There's just a lot of emotion in that song and if there's one thing Peter is really really good at doing, it's Emoting Intensely. But it's not just Peter, the piano is so beautiful and the strings are beautiful and Carl's guitar solo is Intense. It's all A Lot. Like, of all the songs that Peter has written about Carl, about their relationship and career and experiences together, THIS is the one where you can feel most strongly the near-obsessive type adoration. So I’m glad they waited to record it properly when they were friends again (also I’m mildly surprised that it was Carl’s suggestion to rerecord it). Anyway.

Fuck the first verse of this song is a lot. This whole song is a lot. I mean it starts off with such a sad sentiment, it's almost a warning? "You'll never fumigate the demons / No matter how much you smoke." You can't smoke away sadness no matter how much you want to. Bitterly ironic, considering the sorts of things Peter ended up smoking etc to chase away demons, the types of extremes they both went to above and beyond just trying to fumigate. But anyway. "Just say you love me for three good reasons / And I'll throw you the rope." It's just so fucking codependent. So intensely obsessive and codependent. There was a quote, I think maybe from Roger Sargent?, about Peter crying outside a venue in like 2002 because even then he was scared about losing his friendship with Carl to the Something Bigger of fame. This feels like a desperate bid to hang on to that love. But also like Peter is so intense. Every video of interviews where he's sitting next to Carl or gigs when they're friends or reunions or whatever, he just wants to be in Carl's space and have Carl's gaze and his attention and stuff. Like a cat that sits on your work.

Again, a digression. Oops. I said I was in a mood. It's so interesting that while it's definitely a love song To Carl, the only direct mention of Love is asking for love From Carl. It's like he's working on the assumption that his feelings are obvious (they are) and desperately wants reassurance or reciprocation.

"You don't need it / Because you are the survivor / Of more than one life" We know the origin of this is apparently Carl's dead twin brother. But also the offering of a rope only to reassure that no, you don't need it is just so...I don't know...sweet? Especially because while "throw you the rope" is obviously a symbol of rescue it could just as easily be a noose. Except that it's neither. Because he doesn't need it. Because he can survive fucking anything, because they love each other--he hopes. It’s like, if you love me as much as I love you, I’ll try to help you, even though I know you don’t need me because you just need to realize you can do it on your own. "And you're the only lover I had / Who ever slept with a knife" The interview where they talk about this line is so funny. "No it's not about us. But Carl did sleep with a knife and the line about being a survivor is about Carl having a dead twin and Peter saying he was the twin reincarnated. But it’s totally not about us." Anyway. Ugh just so much of this song seems to be about Peter being Super Obvious and open about his love for Carl and Carl being more closed off. Carl being the only lover who slept with a knife; he'll accept the love but he's wary of it and wary giving it.

(By the way by love I don't necessarily mean Romantic or Sexual love. They clearly adore each other one way or another, that's obvious enough. But Best Friendship love is 100% a thing.) (However, the Judy Garland line is so funny to me because "Friend of Dorothy" was a secret code for gay men for a while. And considering the amount of queer literature etc Peter references in everything, there's no way he didn't know this.)

I can't really go in depth into the Tony Hancock line since I really don't know much about Hancock and I know that it was a real touchstone for Peter and Carl. But it plus the Judy Garland line feels like a "neither of us have ever really had a home, but we found one in each other" thing. Which is. A lot. Especially with the "until the dawn" bit, because a main component of so many stories about them from other people is the two of them staying up for days together writing and adventuring and just doing stuff and no one else being able to get in their little bubble.

I love the "ahh" after "Stone the crows" and the way the music starts to swell. It's obvious that the next verse is the Important One. And it is. There's the story about Peter crashing an event at the Old Vic while Carl was ushering to tell him they should be writing together and everyone who's there are dicks. But it's also like...so many layers of what is success and what is appreciation and how do you express love. I assume the flowers are not from his show, that he's collected them from the stage after someone else's show. But it's reusing tokens of mostly empty/superficial/performative appreciation--the tradition of tossing flowers on the stage--as a token of genuine love. Sitting through an entire performance, watching someone else's success and dreaming of being there and then using the token of appreciation for that person to instead give it to the person you yourself appreciate and love and want to succeed with. It's like a promise, a "we'll get there." But also another act of desperation because he's been sitting there for hours. Carl wasn't there to receive the gift and wasn't there to write with him. But he's been chasing words around on the page--the love-words to this song or the words to another one?--and he needs Carl there to really complete it, needs Carl there to hear it. It's very much in line with Peter yelling that they should be writing. This intense "Please be with me please accept the way I express myself please complete my incomplete bits please like me as much as I like you" etc.

And then the chorus which is so interesting. I desperately wish I understood the Gypsy Lane and Stanley Park references. I think Stanley Park is a footie reference but I’m not sure? I'm trying to do all of the interpretation off my own brain and not use the notes on the Genius website or anywhere else but I wanted to see if those two references here had been crowdsourced. Apparently both Gypsy Lane and Stanley Park are places he spent time in his childhood (and I called it on the football reference, yes!). Which is. Wow. Okay. And then there's Waterloo which is a whole thing in itself. It's Waterloo as Waterloo but also Waterloo Station. So Carl is able to be Peter's Ultimate Defeat, the thing that has the ability to ruin him. But also Waterloo Station is near the Old Vic where Carl worked & would go to theatre bars, so it's also a place of familiarity. Since I don't know anything else about the Gypsy Lane reference, I can only assume it's also a place of comfort and familiarity. So Peter's admitting to Carl's power over him, ability to hurt him, but offering to comfort him in return. (Important for later.)

"I'm so glad we know just what to do / And exactly who's to blame" I love this line because it knows it's wrong. Especially in 2015 but maybe even in the early days. They bounced blame back and forth between them for YEARS. Not to mention all the outside bullshit. And obviously they didn't know what to do. The Waterloo/Stanley Park is another reference to a familiar place and a power to hurt/offer to comfort moment. I wish I knew if there was some sort of proper football reference here (aka a QPR reference since that's Peter's team) but I know absolutely nothing about sport so idk.

"Well I'm so glad we know just what to do / And no one's left / Stumbling around / Tumbling around / Fumbling around / In the dark" The way Peter sings this sounds so hopeful and sad at the same time. It's interesting to know this line was written way, way back. Like, this song was apparently one of the first ever songs they demoed. The demo is a lot more frantic and less romantic but jesus christ. The way Peter sings it now it's like he knows that was just an unconscious self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, no, they absolutely were left in the dark, hurting each other over and over and not being able/willing to place blame or to communicate. Except now, in 2015, they're not anymore. (and especially not now in 2021). But it's also another desire for comfort. Like, Peter's offering the comfort here. But he's also just confessed the power to hurt that Carl has. So this is also a "are you going to offer me comfort the way I've offered it to you?" sort of question.

And then there's the solo which. Woof. It feels like a response to Peter's words. Like reaching out with sound. Like a shoulder-squeeze or a hug in response, something nonverbal that’s really trying to catch up and match up to the intense emotions in the words. The music crescendos and the solo is literally waves of notes that roll up and down and up and then it crashes down but lands so softly at the feet of the chorus.

And then we have equal footing, sort of (and Carl as Jesus again). Carl is still Peter's Waterloo, his ultimate defeat (or his place of comfort). But now Peter is Carl's Calvary. Which is the place where Jesus was crucified. Peter’s been offering comfort to Carl, but suddenly Peter has power over Carl. It's like...veneration and threat at once. Carl's Jesus, the savior, but also if he doesn't love Peter, Peter has the power to crucify him (or at least threatens to have that power). Or it's another portent: Carl could be Peter's savior, except that everything falls apart and Carl ends up hurt instead. They both end up hurt instead. So then they're on equal footing.

Which brings them to the "Well I'm so glad we know just what to do," which feels a little sadder but also a little more confident than the other two. The answer is in the "Everyone's gonna be happy / But of course." They need to work to figure out how to make each other happy, how to be comfort rather than hurt. It's not that simple. It never is. The "But of course" is a sarcy acknowledgement of how difficult that actually is. But it's also that sort of quiet hopefulness that yeah, maybe soon we'll figure it out and everyone will be happy and will get to say "of course I'm happy" about it.

#i also did one for the Heart Of The Matter video if people are interested #the libertines #peter doherty #carl barat #apologies to the people who have been in this fandom for ages i apparently like diving straight into the deep end #when i get to a subject I like to learn EVERYTHING about it and totally immerse myself very quickly #i've known the basics of the libs story for a while now just from being into mildly related bands #and liking Peter's lyrics enough to research them a bit #but when i get into something new i do all the research on it as quickly and intensely as i can #also i'm just having fun #analyzing literature/lyrics/etc is what i like doing for fun #(PS I do most of my Libertines blogging on my other blog jesuisgourde)

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strxwbxnny · 8 years ago

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Conversation Hearts

Preview: Dick’s hand was suddenly over his mouth again, with the other boy looking down at him, the smirk that was only peaking out before now in full throttle.

Wally didn’t lick him. He only had enough brain power right now to stare up at Dick. “Wally, are you asking me out on a date?” Dick teased.

Word count: 1675 words

I was gonna post this on AO3 first but it keeps crashing so here we are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyway Here is my fic for @translatinxjasontodd for the @yjficexchange! I tried to follow your prompt but the fic had a mind of it's own. I wrote half this at like 3 am and I barely edited it and I haven't written fic in years so like. Concrit is helpful? idk

Edit: Read on AO3 here

“Rob”

Wally was draped over the couch in Mount Justice, pushing himself onto Robin’s lap as he whined. Robin stared straight ahead (or at least what Wally assumed was straight ahead, it’s always a little hard to tell with those glasses) at the TV.

Not the reaction Wally wanted. He wiggled himself farther into Rob’s lap, pushing his feet against the arm of the couch for leverage. When he was where he wanted, shoulders resting on the other boy’s thighs, he opened his mouth again.

“Rooo-oooob” He pitched his voice in a way that stretched one syllable into two.

This time Dick did actually look down, his bangs falling forward as he stared down at Wally. He did say anything at first, just raised an eyebrow, then after a moment a gently huffed “what?” that was most a puff of air on Wally’s cheeks.

Wally plastered on his most shit-eating grin. “Hi”

Ok so in Wally’s defense, he totally saw the hand coming. Totally. He just didn’t wanna move ok? Dick’s palm smooshed over Wally’s face, with his nose poking between his fingers. Wally, of course, licked it.

Dick coiled back, nose scrunching. “Dude gross.” He wiped his palm on the shoulder of Wally’s flannel shirt, which Wally supposed was fair, but he still reached up to flick Dick’s nose in revenge. Rob made a gesture that indicated he was rolling his eyes under the glasses, and looked back to the TV.

Shit. He’d have to start over.

“Rob!”

It worked a little better this time. He thinks. Rob is kinda glaring at him now.

“Wally you better not lick me again.”

Wally held his hand above his face, equal parts defense and truce. “I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna. Geez, Rob, I’m not that big of a-”

“Don’t say it”

“-Dick” The shit-eating grin returns.

“Aaaaand you said it. You’re lucky everyone else is out right now” Dick pinched the bridge of his nose, but he grinned a little. Success. “Why are you like this?”

“I dunno, but you love me for it” Wally wiggled his shoulders in Dick’s lap in a weird little dance.

Wally almost missed it, but he could swear he saw Dick’s face get slightly pink at that. But it was gone just as fast, so he brushed it off as a trick of the light from the TV. Dick rapped the back of his knuckles against Wally’s forehead.

“You shut up, you smart ass”

Wally wanted to say ‘but you love this ass’, but he bit it back. He had a mission. Focus, West.

“Fine, but I was gonna ask you something, but I guess you’ll never know now” Wally stuck out his tongue for good measure, pouting a little.

Dick just looked down at him and raised an eyebrow.

Um. When did he stop looking like a little shit when he did that and more like he was maybe attractive? Look, Wally wasn’t blind, he could tell Dick was kinda maybe hot. There’s a reason girls and maybe some guys tended to swoon over him, but shit. Ok so maybe, just maybe, Wally noticed a bit more than he’d like to admit. It’s not like he was opposed to dudes, hell he was bi, but Dick was his bro. Bros don’t kiss bros.

Wally mentally slapped himself. Focus. Mission.

Wally’s throat was suddenly a little dry. “Um.”

Dick hiked his eyebrow up a little higher - if that was even possible - and the beginnings of a smirk pulled at his lips.

Wally squirmed for a moment. “Ok fine” He was a little nervous, especially when Dick has his face like that, but decided to bite the bullet “Um so Singles Awareness Day also known as Valentine’s Day is coming up and like. I don’t know if you noticed, dude, but we’re both painfully single right now, especially me since Arty and I just broke up like a couple months ago, so the thing I had planned with her is obviously not gonna happen, and like I dunno, I got nothing to do that day and -”

Dick’s hand was suddenly over his mouth again, with the other boy looking down at him, the smirk that was only peaking out before now in full throttle.

Wally didn’t lick him. He only had enough brain power right now to stare up at Dick.

“Wally, are you asking me out on a date?” Dick teased.

Wally swatted Dick’s hand away, with an indignant squawk. “What! No! I was just gonna ask if we could hang out and lament our pains of being single together”

Wally could feel Dick’s legs under him start to shake a moment before Dick actually started laughing, hand cupping over his mouth to muffle the sound.

“I was only kidding Wally” Dick managed to get out in a hiccupy breath between laughs.

Wally pouted a little, rolling over to face the TV with a huff. “You’re meaaaannnn” He whined.

Dick slowly came down from his giggle fit, and reached over to lightly tap Wally’s forehead. Wally ignored him. Mostly.

Dick huffed, in the way the made Wally think he was rolling his eyes. “Yes, we can hang out on Valentine’s Day. How about some popcorn and Pacific Rim?”

Wally rolled over again to look at Dick. His smile was a lot less smirky and a lot more smiley now, gentler around the edges.

“I don’t know, you were mean to me, maybe I don’t want to go on a date with you anymore”

“I’ll get you bad chocolates and those conversation hearts you like for some ungodly reason.”

Fuck. He’s pinned.

__________

Riley just announced on screen that Gypsy Danger runs on analog when Wally crams the last handful of popcorn in his mouth, emptying the bowl. He chewed and screwed up his face as he almost got a kernel stuck between his teeth again.

His feet rested in Dick’s lap, with the other boy’s arms over his calves, in the loveseat they shared. He wiggles his feet a little.

“Dude the best part is coming up, time to break out the candy!”

Dick leaned over the arm, grabbing the plastic bag filled with Wally’s desired sugary goodness from where it sat on the floor, and Wally bounced his legs a little, partly excited for the candy, but mostly just releasing energy.

“Don’t eat all the candy, I want some too” Dick said, handing over the bag.

“I won’t, I won’t, jeez cut me some slack” Wally went straight for the chocolate, deciding to leave his favorite, the conversation hearts for last.

He popped open the bag and passes Hershey’s kisses over to Dick, but never tearing his eyes from the screen as Gypsy Danger fought the Kaiju. It didn’t escape his notice though that Dick fingers lingered on his own whenever they passed more kisses between them.

And when the action on screen was less urgent, Wally spared peeks over to the other side of the loveseat, split second looks, and it definitely didn’t escape his notice that Dick’s eyes seemed to linger on him more than the movie. Weird.

As the movie drew on Wally slowly (for him at least) made his way through the candy stash. Hershey’s kisses, cinnamon hearts, those little foil wrapped chocolate hearts, Reese’s cups. Until finally, right around the time that the big battle started, he got to the conversation hearts.

They were his favourite, and not just for their good (read: cheesy) pickup lines. He oddly enough liked the texture and the taste.

Wally doesn’t know why he did what he did next. Couldn’t really say other than maybe it was the naturally teasing relationship he and Dick had, or his weird sense of humor, or maybe just because it was Valentine’s day. But hey, Wally was known to make bad decisions.

He picked out one of the little heart candies, one that said “kiss me” in soft pastel, and placed it on his tongue. The final scene where Riley and Mako embrace plays out on screen. He turned to Dick and stared at him for a moment, almost surprised but not really to find the other boy’s eyes already on him. Dick just looked at the heart on his tongue for a moment and raised his eyebrow. Wally wiggled his eyebrows in a jokingly suggestive way, and then popped his tongue back in his mouth.

And the next thing he knows, the room is dark as the credits starts to run and there’s lips on his own. His motion stutters for a moment. Dick was kissing him. He froze. Shit. A hot guy is kissing you. Kiss back now. So what if he’s your bro, kiss him.

His hands moved before his brain fully caught up, clutching Dick’s shoulder, and his lips move to reciprocate. He kisses back, a bit tentative, with thoughts of this is Dick I’m kissing floating around the back of his mind still. Dick didn’t hold back though, tongue on his lips, gently licking and nibbling until Wally opened up a bit. Dick’s tongue was in his mouth and it felt good. Why was he holding back before again?

Dick’s tongue moved against his for a few moments and all too soon it left his mouth and Dick pulled away, already back in his seat, leaving Wally to flounder for a moment. When Wally finally got his bearings back he looked over at Dick again, puzzled look on his face to silently say “dude what the fuck?”

Dick merely quirks his eyebrow up. Then sticks out his tongue. The conversation heart Wally had before sat there, a little smaller from how long it had been between their mouth, but there nonetheless. Wally’s throat suddenly felt a little dry again as Dick popped his tongue back in his mouth with a snicker and even in the dim light he could definitely see the pink that dusted along Dick’s nose this time. He could feel the heat in his own face.

Ok so maybe bros could kiss bros.

#yjficexchange #birdflash #young justice #wally west #dick grayson #my writing #fuck this is bad #i am so tired

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shadesofhue · 7 years ago

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Emotionally unavailable, and not afraid to admit it. Here’s why:

Far too often, we spend time putting on a front to be things that we are not. Two things that I’ve learned in my adult life is that I have a great ability to care when I genuinely do, and absolutely no interest in pretending to when I don’t... and to me, that’s okay. Honestly, it JUST hit me a few seconds ago that I am emotionally unavailable and I don’t have a problem admitting that. Why? Because... it’s honest. In my younger years (a few years ago) I would be limited with my honesty with intentions to save energy in hurting people’s feelings, and that backfired. I would devote myself to men who were emotionally unavailable to me, and the guys who were all about me as I was emotionally unavailable to them. Of course I would tell them the truth about things like, “oh, well... i’m actually talking to someone right now!” or “i’m at a stage in my life where i’m figuring things out and gathering qualities and pieces from connections that I have with other men to decide what I like.” That period of my life in particular was lovely, yet stressful. I dated three guys at once, and they were all different. A CEO, an academic, and a creative. One of them I was head over hills for, the other two... well, they were close friends. I didn’t find out until ONE ended up telling me all of the things that the other was telling him, but he didn’t care because in his mind he was going to end up with me. How did I not know? I would have been a FOOL to just run around telling the guys that I was talking to and hanging out with, the other guys’ names. Like... who does that? I was GREEN, but I wasn’t DUMB. So when shit hit the fan, and i’m having creole cuisine with one and he goes on to tell me how the other is feeling, I have no choice but to laugh and think to myself this city IS really way too small. Anyway, he was super cool about it. He said he gets what he wants, no matter what, and well... that didn’t happen. Why? BECAUSE HE HAD A FUCKING BOYFRIEND that he was trying to leave. An academic who was with another academic, and maybe that just didn’t work out... for what reasons, I didn’t know. But I was the whimsical artist that he stumbled upon in the midst of him making his exit. Albeit, THEY WERE NOT DONE, and when I found out I told him the moment he told me that he was leaving his boyfriend that we were no longer considering that dating, and that we could be friends and shit would be limited. He left the state for a vacation and said he was gonna solidify the termination of his relationship, while away. Not only did I need clarity that I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FAILURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP, but that he shouldn’t use me as motivation to be single... because that’s just so close. I think I had given him until the New Year to make up his mind so that we wouldn’t waste time, but I believe by Thanksgiving, I was already heavily infatuated with someone else (the one I was head over hills for). LOL so when he came back, the skies were a different shade of grey, I suppose. Anyway, the other (his really good friend) used to vent to him about how I wasn’t intimate or affectionate, and how he’d be lucky if I even held his hand. Something he already knew, because I was neither of those things with him either. The time I let the other one kiss me on the cheek, blew his mind. But he had just took me to dinner, a movie, and a bar for drinks. I guess you can say that peach ciroc and cranberry juice slightly dissolved my guards. Reason for me not being affectionate with him? It was clear... but I felt in my spirit that he was a really really sexual being. I wasn’t (with people I didn’t KNOW) and I just didn’t want that pressure of being awkward at the sound of all of his innuendos ALL OF THE TIME. I was barely getting to know him, yet I already knew what he was about. He genuinely liked me, but I was at a stage in my life where I was holding out for someone special, and he hadn’t become that someone special yet. I wasn’t a virgin, but you can say that I was born again LOL. I was what people would assume to be a prude, but quite honestly I’m freaky af, and was back then too... it just had to be special. Not rose petals and candle light special, but like... a connection... time... something! He wasn't yet. But again, I was already somewhere else with someone else, and THAT was a blur. A big heart rattling “why don’t you love me?!” blur!

He was a gypsy. He traveled from time zone to time zone, places where the seasons were opposite, and places my young ass tongue couldn’t even pronounce. He was IT! He was my inspiration. He was everything I talked about to my fraternity brother in college, when we talked about the men we’d settle down with once we settle down lmao. He was every aspect of an artist you can imagine, and I... well, I was his Winona. I was about 10 years younger than him, but our mentalities met each other somewhere in the middle. He had so much youth, so much spark, so much spontaneity... I, fresh out of college, slightly taking the world too seriously, while having a jovial free spirited nature that just flowed. He taught me how to actually BE YOUNG and FREE. He was my 2nd test. After what I [key word] considered my first love (19), before ever experiencing MY [probably another pseudo] FIRST LOVE [but with all possibly due respect, I can’t really call it that because it may have really been love but idk now because it was all just so confusing at the end] at (22) which is another story, and much deeper... but he landed somewhere in the middle and helped me develop a strength I would need to bare the tragedy that could have been (22). Now with him, I was beyond emotionally available. I was an emotional wreck LOL. I treated this man like he was my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before, but I was a hopeless romantic. It was cute though, because I had did things for him, that no one has ever done before. Which was great... then I realized it was all practice, teaching me how to actually be a good boyfriend...because I too, had never done those things before. That’s what dating actually IS, so like... it’s not fucked up to say that right? Imean, not that I should care. I found out he lied to me about not dating anyone else, when we said we were “exclusive” (by this time I had cut the other two off... I was real about it) oooh... lol but then I ended up on some girls instagram who posted the same picture he did... OF HIM... with something that read like “titles are irrelevant, loyalty is all you neeeeed” ... LOYALTY?! GIRL, THE THINGS WE JUST DID... but then, I couldn't blame her. It wasn’t her. She was just as fooled as I was. I just had a stronger intuition lmfao. Instead of pulling some “woman-to-woman” stunt and hitting her up, I just removed myself. Why? because i’m a man... and I had a feeling this shit was happening. Which is kind of reversed, but whatever. I just told myself I wasn’t gonna block my blessings. Instead I blocked him, and ignored him for like 2 years. She... well, she ended up exposing him on a blog because she found out that he was with some other woman. How? ... LMAO I JUST TOLD YOU! Exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do... someone hit her up like “Hello, may I speak to barbara” (he name isn’t really barbara, if you heard the song, you’d get it) and from there came “diary of a mad mixed woman.” That was all she wrote, no pun intended. Apparently she was pregnant, but that ain’t none of my business. Remove, and all shall be revealed.

ANYWAY.... I took some time to find myself, living happily ever after, getting my life together and going out with friends, turning up, sleepovers with my besties, THE WORKS... and ended up meeting the [pseudo-- but again I can’t really call it that, because if I took the time to actually think about it, I might dig myself into further confusion about the whole thing] “love of my life”. OH, THIS WAS IT!!!!! so I thought. LOL It was picture perfect. Beautiful. We were gorgeous. He was tall, caramel, and handsome. Me, I was short, fit into his arms like a puzzle, and to him... a total package. To me, he was a total package too. We needed a lil work in different ways... one of us more than the other... him in a lot of ways lol not funny, but it’s true. I just had to work on communication. At first, I was really nonchalant. Whenever he had mustered up some issue or something didn’t roll the way he thought it should I would just be like “Okay...” and he’d be like “See, YOU DON’T CARE blah blah blah”. Then I had to let him know, i’m a processor. I have to think and process things. If not, I could be really harsh if I don’t think about ways to address without attack. Anyways, We worshiped the ground we both walked on. Of course, because we walked together LOL. He was my first boyfriend. Whaaaaat?! Somebody finally tied Donnie down?! YUP! My lil feminine wiles attracted him, and he couldn't leave me alone. I thought he was just a lil friend. We started hanging out, having the best days ever and shit. It was cool. He became my best friend. It had finally dawned on me that he liked me one night we went out to a club. I had broke my phone the week before that, and was communicating with him through email. Printing out the directions to his apartment until I memorized the route, etc. I finally got my new phone and texted him. He was going out that night and invited me to join. I threw on my oversized pull-over, some skinny jeans, and my favorite boots and hit it. He was dancing on me and I was like okay this is that friend dance where you getting it because you’re close and they’re playing a jam ... nah, he kissed me on my neck and I was like O_O... oh, you’re drunk. I didn’t think too much about it, but it wasn’t until we left the club to go across the street for nachos when he grabbed my hand to lead me across the street, that I realized I liked him too. When we sat down to eat our food and his friends said their ride was there hurrying him to join, and he stayed I thought to myself “yup... this is the one”. We ended up being everything to one another. Time went on and we shared a life. To fast forward a bunch, that didn’t work out. I ended up learning that I wasn’t the free spirited, whimsical, joyful, light that I had always been. There was a major shift in me, and it had come from a lot of toxicity I experienced within that relationship. Things that I pray I do not experience ever again. My friends even noticed. It was a very dark time. I learned my lesson... and now, I don’t trust anyone...I’m working on it. For so much of that relationship I was accused of cheating, lying, and much more. IT WAS DRAINING. Hell, I almost started not trusting myself, like wtf? My phone would ring or vibrate and i’d be like O_O. Heart racing, and so much more, when I KNEW I WASN’T DOING A DARN THING. Like... you’ve gotta be reeeeally good and persistent to convince someone that they’re doing something they aren’t supposed to be doing. It got so bad, that I didn’t even trust some of my friends hitting me up. Like...”we ain’t talked 80% of this relationship, we ain’t friends no more... because he might think you’re someone new... but i’ve known you my whole life.” It’s kind of.... twisted and dark and sad. DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO EVER GET THERE!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God I recovered those friendships from the awkwardness that was “living in the shadows of my partner’s insecurities”. I didn’t understand how I was the best boyfriend I could possibly be, the most loyal, nurturing, and caring person to someone... and still not be good enough. Then one day I paid a bill to nelnet student loan services and said bihhhh... YOU ARE NOT IN THE DEBT FOR NOTHING. With a degree in sociology and psychology, you better ANALYZE FOR YOUR LIFE! Literally... and so I did. I realized... I was caught in the web of a narcissist. With the information gathered through the stories of getting to know someone, I used my sociological imagination to sort out all of the things that he went through when he was a child and how that affected him as an adult... that made me more compassionate though. So, what ended up happening? I had become emotionally unavailable. I had to stop caring as much as I did. Because the more I cared, the more I would stay or ...go back, for that matter. I didn’t stop caring, I just couldn’t do so as MUCH to the point where I would put him and the situation before ME. ALL OF THAT TO SAY... That was the point where I realized what I needed to do. I needed to water me. I needed to grow. I needed to find my light and my joy. I needed to be selfish. I needed to leave toxic professional and personal relationships alike. I needed to find me and be happy with me. I needed to teach myself how to love me unconditionally again. To be gentle af with myself after being put through so much pressure, because what was mentioned wasn’t even half of it. But it created the diamond, that I knew myself to be. I needed to FOCUS and get myself together for what is truly meant for me in my life. I kid you NOT... I used to be afraid to chase certain dreams in that relationship. Because I knew that being in certain industries would come with a different type of connection and attention that would bring the type of recognition that could make an insecure person shrink... and i’m not talking about me. I couldn’t be the star that I know that I am. There were pop-up shops and set-up times I was late to for my brand, panel discussion call-times that I was almost late to because of inconsideration and my focus being thrown off right before I go up to speak because of the heated tension that came with that. I AM TOO MUCH OF AN EMPATH to be in the wrong relationships. Granted, I learned everything I needed to learn and I appreciate that relationship in its totality because quite honestly, it wasn’t all bad. There were really sweet moments that deserve credit. However, the affects that each and every one of these people had on me, no matter how impactful the relationship we had helped make me into a better person THROUGH ALL OF THE TROUBLES. After being single for a year, and being completely raw with myself and vulnerable yet honest with others... I learned that it’s OKAY. I used to think that your value increases upon relationships. That to be deemed worthy, you have to be attractive and maintain/sustain what you attract. That’s when I was a hopeless romantic, longing for love and companionship, and intimacy/affection from select individuals. NOW, my success and happiness is my priority. To fully enJOY life and myself. I’m selfish.

I learned that at this moment in my life, I am the most beautiful I have ever been. Naturally. Innately. I see the light, that others see. I see my warmth and tenderness... when just last year, I was almost SO tough and COLD. I had a conversation with one of my best friends who is a strong Black woman, and we decided ... “I don't want to be a savage. I WANT to be a sweetheart!” I am just that. I’m still a sweet heart, but I am just honestly, emotionally unavailable. I almost wrote a Facebook status talking about how guys will be like “I really don’t think you know how beautiful you are!” Like... “Yes I do!” I’m just chill AF. I genuinely receive compliments with grace and express that gratitude with great energy, but I stopped putting so much weight on another man’s ability to see my beauty and vocalize it. I have watched a man cry while telling me how beautiful I was to him, and if he was upset with me... I was absolutely nothing. That’s confusing. Thank God I have a strong sense of self. I worked on this. This comes primarily from the inside. THAT’S GOALS! To work on yourself so diligently from the inside that your beauty is not only internal, but eternal. No matter where looks go, where my body shifts, that I will possess the type of beauty that will not only last my lifetime, but a legendary everlasting beauty that will be remembered by those who knew and knew of me.

What inspired this long ass story? I had opened up an article that was titled 3 guys share what it means when a man is emotionally unavailable. I believe it’s better to talk about and acknowledge certain things than to gloss over them as if they are not there. Yes, i’ve been through some whirlwinds of relationships... many of us have. No, i’m not afraid to talk about them, because quite frankly WE NEED TO! To be honest, I don’t know what it means that I am emotionally unavailable other than the fact that I am focused on getting to a place in my life where when i’m ready and able to settle down I will be established and have SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE (as a whole). I KNOW THAT I AM AN OUTSTANDING MAN! I also know that I am going to be THE BEST PARTNER/HUSBAND/PARENT etc when the time is come, but now is not the time. No time soon.

I thank God for blessing me with the strength and awareness of the importance of healing during this time. Break-ups, traumas, heart-ache... all of those things. I’m glad that I didn’t fill a void with other things... instead I took care of myself toward the end of that relationship, post-relationship, before chasing success, and during the climb. In FACT, it is the reason why that relationship ended. I chose myself, and I will continue to do so. Until then... I have to be real. My capacity to share my emotional well-being and my energy with someone else (relationship-wise) is not up to par for anyone to expect anything serious from me. I’ve been on this journey of single success and happiness for a year now. I just so happened to realize that I am emotionally unavailable, and again... to me, that’s okay.

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unessesarysecretdiary-blog · 7 years ago

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time to start a new beginning....

Thoughts: April 16, 2016 My inner Gypsy. - I kind of want to take a semester off of school and just do youtube for a while. I think that its not a waste of time. its actually gonna benefit my career. I hope my career goes the way i want it to. Yes, i do want to be famous, but for entertainment. I like to see people laugh and i want that to by my job. I want to travel the world and help people. I want to not focus on stressful school, im not good at it. even if i try. I was never good at school. I guess God want me to go a different rout. I dont want to be stuck at hime. I want to just work and travel the world while Im still young. If you think about it, I dont really have to go to school in order to become an actress. This year, im gonna audition to a lot of tv shows. I want to do more youtube, i want to travel with my friends. I dont want to go to school anymore. Its a waste of time. I want to start producing and acting. Im tired of waiting, i know im still young. But im only gonna live this life once, I could die at any time. I would rather experience the best while i can and worry about nothing. My inner gypsy wants to come out. A lot of celebrities didn’t go to school, or they dropped out. why can’t i ? They were normal people that just wanted their dreams come true.

Thoughts: april 17,2016 Men over Boys - Well, today I’ve decided that Im not gonna let a guy control me. By control meaning putting them first over anyone. Ive decided that my friends will always be there no matter what. They would be with me through thick and thin. I want my friends to be the first to see if the guy i introduce them to is okay for my family to meet. I want that man that always is going to be happy to talk to me. I want that man that won’t get mad if I hang out with my friends. I want that man that doesn’t care if I make stupid videos on the internet. I want a man that can laugh at my jokes. At my stupid comments and I want him to make me feel comfortable doing these videos. That doesn’t take fun of me for making them. I want him to be my number one fan ! I want a man that cares for me. That doesn’t make me feel confused. I dont want to wonder if he’s with another girl, if he’s talking to another girl. I dont want him to make me feel special. I dont want a Brandon aka a boy.

Thoughts: May 19,2016 New Life Style - Well, I’ve decided that i want a new life style. Starting next month June 2016 I will become vegan. I will be working out everyday. I will make my happiness be first. I will be uploading videos every Sunday. I will save money. I will make sure that I’m more positive with myself. I will make sure that my future is bright. I will make whoever is around me happy and make them laugh. I will help others with problems. I won’t let anyone get in my way! I will follow my dreams and I will pursuit them! I will let my viewers know what is going on in my life. I will NOT let boys get through my head. I will keep my head high and make the guys fall for me, but I wont fall for them. I will make sure that I have fun with my young life. I will be CONFIDENT ! POSITIVE ! and be FREE ! Believe in yourself !

Thoughts: May 27,2016 What My Summer To Be Like 1. Work out everyday 2. Eat healthy 3. Drink nothing but tea or water 4. Go on adventures/ Explore all of San Diego 5. Make youtube videos 6. Make MONEY !

Thoughts: May 29, 2016 9:45pm keep it to yourself - If you don’t have anything nice to say… shut up. no one asked for your fucking opinion. No one cares if you think something thats dark and scary isn’t your thing. Its my thing. Like shut up dude. Everyone has their own creativity and older people tend to judge more than people that are my age. So what if i have colored hair, tattoos, and piercings. So what if i want to cover my body with tattoos. So what if i want to color my hair different colors? Whats it to you ? Its my body, its my hair I can do whatever I want to it. If you want to do something… just do it. Don’t let others tell you that you look dumb or ugly because you are beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT ! be yourself, Be who you want to be ! Have fun and do whatever you want ! Thoughts: June 7, 2016 I guess?????? - I guess that I still like him. I guess that I’m not over him as I thought I was. I always think of him. I always want to know what he’s doing. I always want to know where he’s at. I always want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to move on, but I can’t? Idk I wish I would just not think of him. I wish that when I saw him my heart wouldn’t drop to my stomach and I start shaking. I wish I never got nervous around him. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. I love him? I think? I don’t know how you feel that. I guess I’m slowly killing myself without actually doing it. I love someone that doesn’t love me back and it hurts. My heart is broken and I’m a broken soul. I wish I didn’t meet him, but I don’t regret anything I didi with him. All the memories we had… I keep replaying them in my head over and over. I hate myself for it because I can’t stop comparing everyone I meet to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I have you, I love you. I want you, but I will never go down that path. You broke my heart and Its killing me. I want to know how you feel, what you are thinking and what you want. I wish I knew you were going to be the one who broke me. I never cried over anyone, until you walked my path and tripped me. You made me fall and I didn’t want to. I tried to catch myself and knowing that you were bad for me, Yet, I still let you play with me physically and mentally. I was happy with you, but were you happy with me? What made you think that I wasn’t worth your time. You wanted to be friends, yet you would kiss me? What kind of friendship is that? I guess you were a mistake, a lesson, a fuck boy…my first love. I got too attached and I guess you didn’t feel that way, but its okay because someone will feel the same with me. Someone will be worth my time and my love. You didn’t deserve it. You just destroyed it and I’m stupid for letting you. Knowing that you just wanted to be “friends”. You confused me, you were something else. Like I said… you’re just a boy, not a man.

Thoughts : June 9, 2016 What Does This Mean ? - So, last night I had a weird dream with brandon in it. We hung out and you know we were laughing as usual. I was outside with him and then I saw alejandro come over with his dog toby. I was like omg my baby is here and brandon got jealous and said you have boyfriend now? I was like yeah, i do. he’s great and he treats me like a princess. Brandon was like oh. well i guess i should leave ? i was like thanks for the brownie ill talk to you later yeah ? he was like sure. Then i guess idk how this happened, but i ended up being in brandon car high and we started making out and then you know what happens after every kiss. I don’t know what this means ? Was it just a memory that i had with him and me wanting to move on ? Cause I do, but idk if I can feel this way about anyone like I did with him? THIS IS DIFFICULT ! Like I see potential in Alejandro and he’s nice and whatever, but idk if I’m ready for anything rn. or maybe i just want dick. probably both. I would date alejandro, but uhhhhh idk… I also remember hugging him. It was a hug that we knew it was the end and we both cried.

thoughts: June 17, 2016 Life… - So many deaths happened this past week. I literally have no words. I don’t know what to think, Im so shocked about what this world has come to. I think that I like girls too. Ive always felt like this,but I don’t think I will ever be with a girl. Or who knows. Maybe in the future. Life goes throughout many rollercoasters and we don’t know when it will go down. Or when it will go up. I just want this world to be equal and everyone loves each other no matter what. Some people need love and some people need to feel like someone is there for them too, but they don’t get that. EVERYONE IS THE SAME ! no matter what. though thick and thin, people need to come together as ONE. Life is worth living and who cares if someone is judging you. They’re just scared to come out to the world. Some people need to stop and think whats more important my happiness or someone else happiness? it should always be your happiness over anyone else. BE SELFISH. BE STRONG. BE YOU.

Confession : August 15, 2016 Brandon? It’s currently 1:08AM. I can’t stop thinking of Brandon. I just hung out with him last night… we went to watch suicide squad. We just cuddled and honestly, Im in love with this kid. I hate that I love him so much. I just can’t resist myself when I’m with him. He makes me happy and I’ve never felt like this over someone. I just don’t think we’er right for each other. He’s moving to point Loma and that’s kinda far. When he told me I kinda wanted to cry cause I could just picture him with different girls and it broke my heart. I just don’t want to let him go. I love him too much to let him go. I can’t help that I’m in love with this boy. I love his sent, I love the way he laughs, I love the way he smiles, the way he looks at me, the way that he tries to be cute with me, the way he lays his head on me when he’s tired, the way that he’s not afraid to be himself around me, I love how he can talk to me about anything, the way that he plays music, how open he is with me, his sense of humor, the way his heart beats faster when i lay on him, I just love him. I know that we will be life long friends and we will always have that connection somehow. I want to be with him. I think that he feels the same way, but won’t admit to it or I could be wrong. I just want to be with him 24/7. I want to laugh with him. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to hold me. I want to feel his kisses. I want to feel everything that we had when we would go out. I want to go to family parties with him. I want him to be involved in my life and I want to be involved in his too. I want to have something that would last forever with brandon. I love him and I don’t care what others think of him. I will always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart no matter how much I say that I hate him. I love you brandon and I can’t help myself for falling in your trap over and over again. You’ll never read this, but someone had to know. I just want us to have happy moments and I know that we will always have happy moments together. I just want to remember us laughing at the stupidest things. You laughing at me because I’m stupid. Me laughing at you because you do something weird. I want to look at the stars and you being there next to me, just like we used to. I miss us. I miss people telling us that we look happy because whenever I’m with you I’m happy.You make me happy… When I think of you I cry, knowing that we won’t ever be again. I still get nervous when I see you. When you text me I respond as fast as I can. When you snapchat me it makes my day. Knowing that you called me makes me happy because you’re thinking of me. You basically know everything about me. I know everything about you. You’re my best friend. Theres not a day that I don’t think of you. I just think of the times we would kiss at every traffic light. When you would hold my hand driving. When your eyes sparkle from the moon light. I love you Brandon Thomas Desloover. You will forever be in my heart. I’m just crazy over you. If I could talk about you to anyone I would. I will do anything for him. I’m crazy for him, but I know that he will break my heart. It sucks because I know that he will. I know that I can’t fall into that trap anymore. I know that he’s no good for me. I know that he doesn’t feel the same. I know that he’s my first love and I know he broke it. I can’t help, but cry. I’m a fool and I’m stupid because I fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I hate myself.

Thoughts: August 29,2016 5 years Its been 5 years since my dad passed. I haven’t cried or felt any emotion for it. I know I should cry, but I just can’t. Like how do i feel about this situation? I really don’t know. I feel numb towards it. I look at his picture everyday, but i just smile at him. I miss my dad. I miss his laugh. I miss him… now I’m crying. All my emotions are coming out finally. I know i shouldn’t keep it in, but I don’t want people knowing I’m weak. I love my dad and he knows that I do. I wish he was here, but its okay cause i know he is… just not physically. No one talks about it in my family. Everyone just stays quiet or is in their room. I remember those hard months that i would try to keep it in, but i just couldn’t so i just cried. I had a tough life. I think everyone does, but thats what they call life. I just wish my dad was here. I miss him. I want to hold him again. I miss you dad. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I appreciate everything you did for us. I know that i didn’t show it at all, but i really did.

Thoughts: August 30, 2016 Him Again It will always be you. No matter what, I will always want to be with you. You will always be in my heart, mind and I don’t mind it. I just want you to know that ill be there for you no matter what. I will always be him. When I get in the car with you. i just think of the memories we have together. The laughs, the arguments when you were confused. The feels are and will always be there, at least it will of me. I just get so happy when i talk to you. My mood goes up and I can’t stop smiling. I just want you to know that i do love you. I just want to lay next to you. I just want to be with you. I miss you, I want you to see how much you hurt me. You’re no good for me and Im no good for you. We’er no good for each other. We can’t, but we both want to. You make my life so much easier. You make me want to succeed.

Thoughts Sep. 1, 2016 21 reasons 1. I can’t be in a relationship 2. I get bored of the same person fast 3. I can’t be cute 4. I can’t be normal 5. I don’t know how to be in a relationship 6. I don’t think I’m dateable 7. I don’t think I can be with someone for too long 8. If my friendships can’t last, I don’t know if a boyfriend would 9. I want to be in a relationship 10. I always get the wrong boys 11. I get attached too quick 12. I move too fast 13. I want to skip the getting to know each other 14. I want that love movie type of love 15. It only happens in movies 16. No one likes me 17. I don’t think I’m worthy of a relationship 18. I seek love, but don’t know how to get it 19. You’re the only reason, but you don’t want too 20. I love you, but you don’t love me… 21. I’m hurt, but can’t let go.

cont… same day, same time I don’t know if I should tell him. I want to say “ I love you, but you don’t love me and its okay…” Just saying this out loud made me have butterflies and made my heart skip a beat.

Thoughts: September 3, 2016 question mark? Unmmmm the other day I was on the phone with brandon & he was acting weird... No, being a jerk. I didn't appreciate that. I hate him dude. I can't wait until he moves ! I'll be like BYE BITCH! I do love him, but I don't like the way he acts sometimes. He needs to stop with the attitude. He's so annoying. I hate him. I don't want to be with someone like him. I just wish he was different, but I can't change people. Sadly. Guess I really do have to move on. I don't need this in my life and he's too much to even try this thing we have going on. I don't think we're right for eachother. Its okay that you don’t feel the same because I don’t want you to be forced to say it back…. I just love you.

Thoughts: September 5, 2016 Meh. I saw him today. I just felt nervous, but it all went away after a while. I just get nervous for no reason. I do love him. I do shake of how nervous I get. I don’t know it just kinda bothers me that I get nervous. He’s funny, but I don’t know. He’s always in my mind and heart. I can’t stop him form not being there. I can’t stop him for being in my life. He chooses to be in it i guess… I don’t know. I saw him looking at me though the corner of my eye, but I just kinda ignored him. *SELF FIVE* I’m just gonna go on with my life. Whatever happens… happens right?

Thoughts: September 6, 2016 Scared, but its okay. I think I’m depressed. I think Im deeply sad inside. I’ve been getting sad too much and it sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I get excited for whats coming in my future, but I’m scared its not gonna happen. Im scared that I won’t go though it. Im scared that I will fail. Im terrified of failure. I’ve always failed in my life and I don’t know how to stop it. I think everyone is scared of failure though. Everyone doesn’t know what they want. Everyone doesn’t think they’re gonna make it, but its okay because we live and we learn. Life is about failure. Life is about Succeeding. Life is about Learning. You can do this. You can fail if you want. Its okay.

Thoughts: September 11, 2016 Sounds Live Feels Live I saw them on friday Sep. 9th and it was the best night of my existence !! I didn’t want that night to end !! I miss them so much ! Im definitely gonna have PCD until The heirs sept. 24 ! I love life so much right now ! Im having fun and living !! Im so happy that I went to see 5 seconds of summer ! It was so much fun ! I had the time of my life and i cant stop thinking about them ! I LOVE 5SOS !!! FOREVER AND EVER <3

Thoughts: October 15, 2016 Someone Different ? Someone different is coming in my life. Someone different is changing me. Someone different is making me happy. Someone different treats me like a princess. Someone different is funnier. Someone different supports me. Someone different make my heart skip a beat. Someone different makes me forget you. Someone different is making me forget you. Someone different, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone different is better than you. Someone BETTER is in my life. Someone better is changing me. Someone better is making me happy. Someone better treats me like a princess. Someone better is funnier. Someone better supports me. Someone better makes my heart skip a beat. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone better is different than you. I’m glad that someone is in my life now, something you couldn’t do. But you will always have a piece of my heart. I still love you, I still care, I still want you.

Thoughts: November 6, 2016 Here We Go Again. Christian, you will NEVER EVER read this, but this is for me and only me. You make my heart skip a beat when I see you. You give me butterflies when we kiss. You make me smile when I look at you. You always make me laugh. You make me feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in a while. I want this feeling to be long term. I want to be with you. I want you and only you. I don’t care about the past, I don’t care about anything that you and I had with anyone. I just want our future together. The beginning has just begun for both of us.

Thoughts: November 15, 2016 NEW PLAN AND IT’S FOR REAL here we go new plan and its for real dude no slacking !! you got this !! 1. go to school for only acting and film classes 2. YOUTUBE ! 3. get a camera 4. acting agent 5. move to L.A. 6. CALARTS 7. DISNEY PRODUCTIONS 8. Travel the world !!!

Thoughts: November 18,2015 I think I think I love you, but I don’t know what love is. I dont know if you’re here for a lesson or true love. I dont know if I would ever live without you. I dont know if i could survive without you. I dont know if I want to be with you forever. I dont know if you’re the one, but I think you are ere for a reason. A reason why I should believe in myself, believe in you, believe in us. You’re not like the others that I have been with. You’re better than them. You’re the best i could ever have. maybe one day ill see you with someone else and i know i won’t be okay with it, but ill deal with i. you’re my best friend and i hope you will for a long time. I just want you to be happy and you make me happy. I love you as a best friend. maybe even more. someday ill be yours and i hope to be yours for a while. Ill do anything for you and that what i tend to do. Ill take care of you and ill be with you until you dont need me anymore. It could be with a little bit or time or a long time. I dont mind. I want you and only you. I miss you when you’re not around. i want you near me at all times. i could maybe… i think.. idk i love you.

Thoughts : November 23, 2016 C... You see you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me think that we could be together for a long time. You make me realize that theres other people that can change my mind. You made me realize that the past is the past and you made me realize that i didn’t love him. I was just hung up on someone that I really liked. But I realized that I like you. You want to be with me. You’re not scared to show me off. You’re not afraid to say that I’m you girl. What I mostly like about you is that you have ambition, dreams and your personality is my favorite. Your eyes, your laugh, your voice, your lips… just you christian.You make me the girl I am right now. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I don’t see myself with anyone else. I like you christian. Maybe even more than like. I dont know. I may have felt this way towards someone, but i always have second thoughts. With you, I don’t have second thoughts. Maybe its too soon for me to think this because we dont know the future, but you are different. You’re heart and soul are just like mine.

Thoughts: November 25, 2016 The Rain Song Looking back at the old things that I said about Brandon is pretty interesting. It’s interesting because I no longer feel that way. Its so funny how I was so hung up on you and now I’m sitting here typing on my laptop thinking… “why? he was a jerk…yeah every now and then he did some nice things, but not like christian”. Christian… now he’s different. Christian gives me butterflies when I think about him. He makes me smile even though he’s not around. He makes me happy and I get excited when I see him. I never what to loose this feeling. I’m smiling just thinking about him. I know he won’t hurt me and I will never hurt him. I know he’s here for a while and Im glad that he is. Yeah, arguing and fighting is bound to happen, but nothing too extreme… I hope. No one has treated me like he has. He’s the best Ive ever had. Its hard to explain my feelings towards him because Im not used to saying my feelings I tend to hide them, which isn’t good. He cares for me and I care for him. All those things he said to me yesterday, made me realize that I do care for him a lot and I like him a lot… I don’t know about love cause Ive never had it, but if its how I feel right now then maybe i do.

Thoughts: November 29,2016 Dear Christian, I'm writing this because I can't stop thinking about you. I keep getting butterflies and my heart is skipping beats. I haven't felt this way for anyone in a long time! I still get nervous when We go out...you may not notice, but I really do. I try to hide it from you. You also make me feel something I've never felt before and I really don't know what it is. I want to show you how much i care about you. I usually can’t say how i feel about someone because Im weird about feelings like that, but you truly are the best. I just want to tell you that I have strong feelings for you and I do believe were together for a reason. I think that reason is for us to be happy. I love how we understand each other and were there for each other. You truly are someone that I am going to keep in my life for a while. Im glad that you’re in my life. You’re amazing. You’re caring. I know forever isn’t something thats real, but I wouldn’t mind being with you forever. You’ll always be in my heart no matter what. Im always thinking about you and i just smile at nothing. People may think Im crazy and they could be right… I am crazy, but in a good way because Im crazy about you. I know its cheesy, but i don’t know how to express my feelings towards you. You make me happy and i care a lot for you. I will do anything for you and like i said I will be there to care and possibly maybe even love you. The reason I said that Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me that one night was because Ive never been in love. Love is a terrifying thing for me, but I wouldn’t mind getting hurt by you. Love is a rollercoaster and so far this is a fun roller coaster that I don’t want to get off from. I love you… I think. I dont know what love is, but i think its what I feel for you. There I said it I love you Christian. I love you so much that Im getting nervous just writing this. I dont know how you’re gonna react, but Im just gonna wait to say it until you say it first. I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you. If I do, I’m sorry. I dont mean anything that I say that makes you mad. I want you to be happy and always have a smile on your face. Im scared that Im gonna hurt you even if i said i won’t. Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me even if you said you won’t, but I’m just scared of this feeling that i have for you. Im scared, but if you do end up breaking my heart… i dont think i would remember the bad moments. I think i will remember the happy moments that we’ve had. Youre such a dork i love it. You’re a beautiful soul christian. You’re the best I’ve ever had. Im glad that its you. I care for you a lot… so much that it hurts me when you’re hurt. Thats why I like to ask you what you’re thinking about because I want to know everything that you think of… the good and the bad. I want to know how you feel and think. you make me happy and i know that sometimes i dont say much of how i feel and thats because i dont know what to say or show it. Well, one day you’ll ready this, but it won’t be anytime soon. You are my first love and Im glad its you. I love you christian.

Thoughts : December 1, 2016 Without you I dont ever want to be without you. I want you to be with me at all times. I want you to be safe. I care for you. It hurts me when you’re sad, angry and hurt. I love you... you'll always be in my hear no matter what. You'll always be remembered by me. We may not know the future, but if we ever end up on bad terms... just remember the good days. I want to say sorry in advance just in case I hurt you. I don't ever what to, but we're not perfect. We're human. We make mistakes sometimes we have to learn how to forgive and forget.

December 13, 2016 I told you I told you that I loved you… Im scared because I don’t want to get hurt. I love you so much it hurts.. I miss you when you’re gone. I don’t know why Im crying so much. I just get emotional when I think of you. I get all my feelings balled up and I just cry.

December 19, 2016 It is what it is.. I told you that I loved you, but now that I think about it… Im not in love with you. I do care for you and I do love you, but I know I can do better. You were right… you do need time to think about yourself and what you need to do in life. I thought that I could help you, but I can’t baby you all the time. Im getting tired of acting like I’m your mother. i feel like you don’t appreciate anything I do for you. I want to feel like a girlfriend or someone that you truly care about. I just feel like I’m just a friend and I know thats what you tell people, but what kind of friends are we ? i know your family, I keep in contact with them… like ????? I guess I’m just over thinking like i always do. You need to hang out with your friends and not ditch them to hang out with me. I dont want that to happen cause one day We might not be a thing and you’re not gonna have anyone. I love you and I do care for you, but dont push people aside for me.

January 15, 2017 Im done. IM STARTING FRESH. Im done. Im over dating people for now. Its time to focus on myself and not worry about anyone else ! I think this is the year when i actually work out and start to do things for myself. AUDITIONS, YOUTUBE, TRAVELING HERE I COME ! I know that you’re ready for your dreams to come true ! DO IT KARINA ! YOU GOT THIS GIRL ! You can do it ! I know you can ! WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE !!! BE HAPPY AND BE PROUD ! DONT LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN OR STRESS YOU OUT ! NO MORE ! NO MORE MR.NICE GUY ! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND NEVER STOP DREAMING ! last year was the year of heart break, but not this year. forget the past focus on your future and your dreams. MAKE THEM COME TRUE! if others can do it so can you. dont let fear bring you down

Thoughts: January 29,2017 Do you I really just want to do my own thing this year. I mean yeah I have friends but I just wanna to do YouTube ! I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna focus on YouTube and just YouTube ! I wanna explore things and figure things out on my own. My mom makes me feel like I can't do anything and that I'm not gonna make my dreams come true. I want to accomplish what I told myself 2 years ago ! I don't wanna be scared anymore. I actually want to audition for things and actually start acting in things. I want to do it and I'm gonna do it ! Fuck school I'm not going. Why stress over somethng I dont wanna do ? Im tired of being forced to follow societies rules. I dont wanna go to school. Im not gonna go. I want to move to LA and live the life there. Im tired of just dreaming. I want them to come true. - [ ] Thoughts: February 5, 2015 MY MISTAKE I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love with Brandon. He will always be in my heart no matter what. Its been a year and it sucks ! I tried to move on, but I couldn’t cause I would constently would think of brandon. Its no ones fault that I feel like this. I love him… I miss him and it sucks cause I want him back.

Thoughts: March 7, 2017 Dear mom, Mom I wish we had a better relationship. I know we don't communicate at all. I know you do things that are best for us, but you never listen to what I want to do, you just assume things and honestly i wish you would just open up your mind and listen to me. Let me live my dreams and support me and how I want to achieve it. I just wish you would understand. The reason I took this semester off was because I wanted to focus on YouTube and do that while I work and figure out what I really want to do with my life. I can't do that when you're on my ear telling me to pay $400 of rent that's too much ! If I'm gonna pay that much then I would rather move out where I can do wherever I want. I don't wanna move to banning, but at this point I feel like I'm forced to move there because it's too much. I'm gonna go back to school, I just wanted this semester off. What I really want is to work on our relationship, for you to understand and listen to what I want.

Thoughts : March 19, 2017 Looking Back. Now that I haven’t spoken to you in a while I think back and honestly, I feel nothing anymore. Yeah, i think about you, but its just a thought. I don’t feel anything. For a couple seconds I do miss you and I feel sad, but then I think back on everything I did for you. You did nothing for me. I didn’t want much, I just felt like I did everything in the relationship. Like I was the guy not the girl. I took care of you like you were my husband, but you weren’t even my boyfriend. You were my “Friend” as you call it. Once that “friendship” was over and I even asked you what we were you wanted me back, but you didn’t realize that you were too late. I dropped all my feeling for you and I feel nothing now. I feel gross just thinking about you. Just writing and listening to this stupid song you told me to listen to makes me angry. You made me feel guilty because I didn’t want you back. Because I didn’t want to be with you when you wanted me. I hate you Christian Rivas. Honestly, you’re a piece of shit. You’re fake and you follow other peoples dreams and claim them your own. You nothing, but a loser. Your mom was right about you, I could do better.

thoughts: March 25, 2016 Take it easy Sometimes I don't know how much I can handle. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle everything in my life right now. I just wish there was someone that could help me. I wish that I could do everything that I think I can do. I wish I had someone that could help me. I wish that I was just like everyone else. They have both their parents. They have help. I don't have anyone. I have myself. That's all I have and it's hard. It's hard when all your friends have help from their parents. They can do whatever they want. They can go out and they don't have a worry in the world. I just wish I was in the same situation. It sucks when you don't have help from anyone. It's party of growing up I guess. I don't know I guess every life is different. Some are lucky and some just aren't. I guess I'm just one of the unlucky ones. The ones that have to struggle for a bit of success. It would work out in the end I guess. I'll have my dream and everyone that didn't believe in me...well i guess they can suck it. I'll be traveling and having fun while they live in a office job for the rest of their life. I'll prove them wrong. I'll prove them that I can do it. I'll prove it and I'll rub it in their faces. Just wait and see. People think I have potential and those people I'm gonna help out. I wanna throw up from all the stress in my life right now. I just feel depressed and worn out. I just want to kill myself sometimes. I just lay in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone. I just want to die at times. Idk I just feel like I can't Handel life. I can't do it. It's difficult and I don't want to do it. I just wanna be gone and be done. I don't have any plans other than entertainment. Is that my purpose ? To entertain people? To make others happy? When deeply I'm sad?

thoughts: May 8, 2017 Why? Its so funny cause when I try to move on, you’re still there. If you would tell me to hang out ill say yes in a heart beat. Idk what this feeling is, but I want you at the same time I dont.

Thoughts : June 3, 2017 Not like the movies My love for you isn’t like the movies. Its different, its a love hate thing. Its like i want to be with you, but I dont want anyone to be with you. I want you to be mine and mine only, but i dont want you. Its complicated. this love is not like the movies. I dont know why I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t, I wish i could ,but you’re all i think of. I just wish it was the same with you. I want to be with you and only you. Why do I feel this way ?

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