#((i have been soooooooooo tired i don't know what's going on.))

[puzzledmemories]

((i fell asleep on the couch again i can't believe this))

[exdayshiftguardhana]

(OOC) TW FOR HOMOPHOBIA USE OF THE F SLUR (It’s censored but still) ABUSE IMPLIED SUICIDE MENTION BLOOD ARM BITING (idk what else to call it) VIOLENCE AND BROKEN BONES BELOW THE CUT.]

[Video recording begin.]

[The recording begins with the camera on the floor in an apartment, only one person is in the main room and in frame. Hanako. She is staring out the door with a backpack on her back, seemingly waiting on someone.]

H: Ok fuckers, lets play this stupid game.

[Another person walks out, seemingly from a room. They bend down revealing a man with green-ish eyes and short black hair. Holding a cat.]

?: Hana, are you sure this is a good idea? Talking to your parents after like a year?

H: Listen Jack, I'll be fine.

J: Last time you said that you got fucked up by a high-school jock named Harley.

H: Meh, fair point.

J: You're taking Luna with you right?

H: You… Might have to bring Luna to wherever I end up. I don't think it's a good idea to put a cat in a backpack where I have a knife.

J: Ok coo-

[A knock on the door cuts Jack off, he stands up looking at the door, before Hanako uses her hand to motion Jason out of the room. Leading to him walking out of frame.]

H: [Annoyed.] It’s open!

[The door opens, two people seen from knee height in the doorway. Hanako stands up, grabbing the phone. Changing the camera angle from the floor to her shirt pocket where both people are now in frame. The man with a beard wearing sunglasses and a black baseball hat, as well as a black button up. The women, wearing a black dress and glasses.]

H: Hey!

?: Sweetheart. Don't play dumb we got the phone call. We know you haven't been listening to us.

H: [Mumbling.] I swear to fucking god could you at least say hi first. [Normal volume.] Nice to fucking see you too mom.

?: Honey. We're here to bring you home. So you can heal.

[The woman goes to grab Hanako's arm, leading to her moving her hand away.]

?: Hanako. This isn't high-school. This ‘gay’ thing you had going on can stop. Come. Home.

H: If you touch me I will kick you. You. Bitch.

??: [Snapping.] HEY! Don't speak to your mother that way.

[Hanako looks at the two, seemingly annoyed.]

??: You're coming home, and we're gonna find you a proper relationship.

H: How about no?

??: We're both tired of you doing this devil worshiping. You are coming home whether you like it or not.

H: No.

?: HANAKO ENOUGH. YOU ARE COMING HOME AND WE'RE GOING TO HEAL YOU!

[Hanako walks over to get in the woman's face, the woman looks mad as the camera gets closer.]

H: Oh yeah because that healing bullshit worked SOOOOOOOOOO well for Maya right?

[The man pushes Hanako, causing the phone to shake. He pushes her into a wall, the camera only viewing his shirt.]

??: NEVER BRING UP THAT DISAPPOINTMENT AGAIN YOU F[Redacted.]

H: I-

[Hanako is cut off by the man slapping her and grabbing her arm, she screams for a moment before the man can be heard grabbing her by the face.]

??: I've put up with your bullshit long enough. You're coming home you brat.

[The man begins dragging Hanako, causing the camera to shake more but before he can drag her out the door. The camera gets refocused long enough to see Hanako bite the man's arm with a snap, the man screams and the last thing the camera sees is blood. Hanako begins running, causing the camera to shake even more. She can be heard coughing before there's a set of thuds that lasts a few seconds.]

H: OW FUCK-

[When the camera finally refocuses again Hanako is at the bottom of a set of stairs, running and shouting is heard before Hanako struggles to get up.]

??: [Distant.] GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING BITCH.

H: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

[Hanako continues going down stairs, seemingly limping as the camera shakes up and down. The distant screaming heard in the background as Hanako makes it to a lobby looking area and runs out the door, falling to the ground.]

H: [Pained.] God fucking damnit. Fucking assholes.

[After a few seconds of Hanako coughing, she stands up and turns around. Seeing the man and woman from before opening the door.]

??: YOU ARE IN SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE YOU BRAT.

[The man's arm is missing a bit of flesh, seemingly torn out by Hanako earlier. Blood dripping onto the gravel.]

?: [Fake sobbing.] I just wanted my only daughter back. And you do this?

H: [Pained speech lasts for the rest of the transcript.] Cut it the fuck out. You're faking that shit. You had a chance to have a family. Not my fault you fucked it up.

??: Your sister was a spoiled brat who wouldn't listen, we want you to be better than he-

H: They. And don't fucking call them a brat you son of a fuck.

??: This is the issue. You're poisoned with all these… False ideas. It's that brat's fault you left. That you're like this.

?: Please. Be better than that disappointme-

[Before the woman can finish, Hanako cuts her off by sucker punching her in the mouth. The camera blurs as Hanako spins to punch the man as well. A thud is heard as the man hits the ground, multiple sounds are heard at once. The most notable being multiple cracks and shouts from the man's direction on the floor. When it stops and the camera refocuses, the man is seen on the ground grabbing his left arm.]

?: YOU STUPID BRAT. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

H: I broke his arm. And probably cracked a few ribs. Now never talk to me again you fucking bitch. I'll be waiting on the cops I know you'll call.

[Hanako walks off as the woman can be heard screaming behind her. Hanako sits on a sidewalk, waiting for whoever shows up. She sighs… Almost sounding disappointed..? The recording stops here.]

[End recording.]

[simpalert]

batim tapes from the characters+ocs

Alice

"It's been years...so so many years since I've seen someone that looks sane... someone other than me and what's left of the butcher gang...I miss bendy...I miss Boris...I'm tired of doing this. but I have to be perfect, if I become perfect then they might come back. things may turn to normal, bendy will be back, Boris will be back, and things will be better...I can only hope."

Boris

"I miss my friends.... everyone's gone missing or insane....why did joey do this...i...I can't believe he did this...it hurts too much to think about. I miss bendy and Alice....I wish they could just snap out of it, I wish I knew how to help but I don't...I wish henry was here, he'd know what to do, he always used to...I miss him....."

bendy

"what is going on?! why was joey hurting BORIS?! why did joey hurt ME?! i..it doesn't make sense, why did the universe do this? what wrong have we done?! please make this stop!!PLEASE..please....please....why does this have to happen....why is alive and boris getting hurt....why can't I help them...I want this to stop....the cuts still hurt so much...they burn so much....please...any almighty deity out there...make this end....please...it hurts..."

iris

"what day is it...whats my name.....I honestly don't know anymore. the pain I feel is horrible...I miss hazel.....I miss her so much....where even am i...all I can see is wood....help me..."

hazel

"@@#$%$@%$^#$%-help-332432543335-can't see-2@#%$3@5$-everything hurt-@$#%#@%#@%%@#$#@@#" [rest of audio can't be recovered]

Jax

tape 1-"I can't even believe it....why did joey drew attack us? he looked like he was possessed, with this glossed-over evil look in his eye...i couldn't save missy...I'm going back for her... let's hope she's okay"

tape 2-"... she gone... she's dead....turned to ink...all I could find was her bracelet.....when I find that joey drew, he's gonna pay..."

hope ya'll like these, these were just made up on the spot soooooooooo ye :]

hope ya enjoyed it and have a good day/afternoon/night

[lesbianmaxevans]

so the House resurgence on here and the fact I never finished the show (I gave up at some point during s6 iirc) has made me feel compelled to rewatch/finish so assorted thoughts from the first 3.5 seasons

the way this show talks about minors..... like there were two cases of girls seducing older men and insisting that they knew what they were doing and wanted to have sex (12 and 15 btw!!!!). there's a 9 year old who asks chase to kiss her bc she wants to know what that feels like. there's a 17 year old trying to seduce house and refering to herself as "jailbait". these are some of the most egregious examples, but there's so much more. these writers need to go to jail!

cameron is soooooooooo insufferable!!! house was so right when he said she seeks out damaged ppl like she has a savior complex. it's so icky and condescending

it's hilarious to me that foreman is the one who hates house the most (of the original team at least) when he is the most like him lol. like dude you tried to infect cameron with a deadly disease to force her to work extra hard to determine the disease was

I don't rmbr chase being so smart when I originally watched, but the few times house has been wrong, it's almost always chase who gets the right diagnosis. maybe I am crushing on him for this.

every canon rship so far has been so cursed. house/stacy makes no sense. it feels like house just shoved his feelings for stacy onto cuddy bc it's clear the writers are trying to push that dynamic and there was no set up for them until stacy left. cameron crushing on house makes no sense beyond her wanting to "fix" him. it's pretty obvious she wasn't over whatever her feelings are for house when she gets ~serious~ with chase. I hope I still like foreman/remy when it happens I'm gonna cry if I don't ship them anymore.

this show loves the virgin/wh*re dichotomy when it writes women. I'm tired.

[actually-eldritch]

It is soooOOOOooo tempting to tell our brain to shut up when he's being a nuisance but then he's gonna be quiet when we need him and we're going to try everything to wake him up and all we'll come up with is tears and screaming.

So we know what's wrong we know the dozens of hundreds of things that are wrong but it's not as simple as that to fix it.

Which lends itself to the brain trying again, again, again, to find a solution a version of reality a different way to connect the same dots to make a reality where he has control a reality where he can do more about it a reality where he's not trapped.

And I know this battle because I've had it So Many Times.

Because this reconnection is almost never what I actually need. Usually it just makes me forget and disrespect problems. Like, surely I should be used to that by now and surely this isn't so upsetting that it completely incapacitates me even though it's but ONE giant factor on TOP of a MOUNTAIN OF STEAMING BULLSHIT I call my life.

I know my life has been obscenely stressful. Logically I know, I know, I know.

And when someonelse could be happy with X even if I received my own curated version it wouldn't do even a quarter as much to bring me joy because in the department of peace of mind I'm over 20,000$ behind and none of it is optional.

So under capitalism my body can do little more than rot even if I do Everything Right. That's the cards I was dealt and the world I live in.

I don't have a remotely loving family. I have a misguided mother. And they blow money on anything but me. And I have to replace these awful memories of being screamed at for literally hours at a time and being locked away and ignored and everything somehow.

Because one cannot Just leave memories in the past or THEY WOULD. No, no—the memories have to be replaced because they teach you how to navigate the world.

I have to replace these memories during late-stage capitalism when nobody has money and everyone's tired and angry and doesn't really want to deal with new people. And I have to find compassion and patience without explaining myself because almost nobody that can functionally help gives a flying fuck. And if they do, then they already know, and I don't want to fill their head with my misery. It brings everyone down my entropic onslaught of feelings it's like Bile.

It's complicated and it's foul and it gunks up the works.

[lenteur]

oh my goodness it's been SO COLD here i've basically been wearing gloves alllll day. it's been minus 8 / minus 10 :( this is why i disappeared for a few days :( ALSOOO I LOVE YOUR THEME </3

yes, that's the right term <3 thank you so much, my lovely 🥰 i hope you have been doing so so well 💎

(your secret is safe with me) i think i'm switching between taehyun and beomgyu :( taehyun has PINK hair and i— (internally crying) i think it's definitely a lot better now which is good to see 🥰

YOU ARE MAGICAL ✨️ prentiss is also a favourite of mine (i am not in love with her i swear 🤭) we're now on season 9 and I WANT EMILY BACK :(( he's also a genius, i wish i was that smart sometimes 😂 i have honestly never seen one episode of glee, i've seen clips but no eps. i wanted to watch it but i just never did :/ i rarely watch fmvs now........ thank you so much 🥰 we're about to continue watching it! there's something sneaky going on with jj and their new section chief and i don't like it one bit 👀

thank you! they're going okay 🥰 i've started making the gifts 🤫 i have an entire free day this sunday so will hopefully have all of them finished and ready to post aaaaaa 😍 i really hope you like it !! oh no, i won't stop, i promise. i think sometimes with mental health, i can find things a little too hard which is why i take a couple of days to reply although this week was genuinely bc it's been so cold and little me has poor circulation in her hands and feet :(( had to wear fluffy gloves to stay warm :(

I DO!! MY TWO BABIES 🥰 i will give them cuddles from you <3333 ah i can't wait to show you photos 🥰

I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL DAY 🥰 thank you for the slice of cake!! i will enjoy it with a cup of tea 🥰

have you been watching anything recently? i've watched wednesday....... four times now. i love it. i'm obsessed 😭

not too long now til you find out!! 🥰 it's so hard to just not follow you already!!!! 😡 fighting the urge >.<

—svt secret santa 🎅🎁🎄

YAY! BESTIE IS BACK <3 I must admit that I've missed you soooooooooo much. I was wondering how you were doing :) Oh no no nonono :( It isn't as cold where I live here but I still caught the flu 🤢 (or idk how the doctor called it because I was so tired and in my bubble that I have no idea what he talked about) but don't worry, I'm feeling a lot better now thanks to the medicine woohoo! and i wish i had a tip to give for cold hands and feet but i suffer from it as well </3 i try to wear as many layers of clothes as possible and hope for the best :(

thank you for noticing the change of theme and for the compliment <3 it means a lot because i do spend a lot more time than I'd like to admit searching for the right pictures/colours 💔 the struggle is real :/ it's almost palpable

i feel you, so much! even though i bias yeonjun, taehyun & beomgyu are like this close to taking his place (well, not really but they hold a special place in my heart) 💟 yes, taehyun's pink hair is such a good look on him. just like soobin's blonde hair. i thought i wouldn't like it because i prefer blonde hair on gg members more than bgs but i was surprised o: he really does pull it off! sorry, sometimes i pretend i'm a hairstylist when i find an idol with a hairstyle/colour i like 💕

When you said you were on season 9, I was like ALREADY?! but then i remember that in one night you can finish half a season to a season depending on how much time you have. oh and i forgot you started watching the show a few months ago so it's not like you started it last week (that would have been impressive, but a little worrying hehe) i've watched, i think only the first two seasons of glee because it appeared on tv and i wanted to know what the show was about but then i dropped it because it became too much too fast. but i kind of like sue's character. wouldn't know how to explain it but she added a nice touch to the show. but then the character became repetitive :/ that's a pity because you can do so much with the villain of a show :(

okay okay your secret is safe with me 🤫 i won't spoil the surprise for your other secret santees(?) if that word doesn't exist, i just created it and it has now the meaning that it is the person who will receive a gift from their secret santa. i should probably shut up atp i feel i've scared you away 💔 anyway i can't wait to finally know who you are, but at the same time, i don't want this to end :( it was always such a great feeling to see you in my inbox and getting to know you and your lovely cats (that i still haven't seen, a crime btw </3 tumblr just allow sending pictures on anon 😡)

OH? YOU TOO ARE A DRINKING TEA WITH CAKE ENJOYER? 🥰 I've always felt like I was the only one doing this o: If you want another slice, i can send it to you whenever you want let me know *wink wink*

I don't remember the tumblr post but like the mutuals' hyperfixations are such a joy to watch 💗 It's like sitting with your friend and listening to them get excited over things they enjoy 💖 as for me, i've been wanting to watch summer strike for a while now because it seems like the kind of drama that I'd enjoy but I have the attention span of a goldfish (and that is an insult to the entire species because i can't focus for too long) but i will watch it, one day! hopefully?

this is making me a little bit emotional 😭 talking to you through this event felt like making a friend in a new city where you knew nobody :( it was a real pleasure to speak about so many topics with you and i wanted to thank you for making this conversation flow so easily. i know you mentioned being anxious and awkward but it didn't feel like it to me, even at the beginning of this event 💓 on top of that you had to juggle with the other two events and your job and for that, i'll give you a round of applause 👏👏👏 oh and don't worry about the gift. even if you send it at the end of the month or you're a little late. take your time and enjoy as much as you can with your family and friends and don't push yourself too hard at work, ok? 💞

[bigskydreaming]

Saying that a fictional depiction of a rape is the same as promoting rape is like saying that writing a story about a character being gaybashed is promoting gaybashing. If you have the right to write a story based on your experiences, why don't I? Also, where's the line between depiction and romanticisation? There is none. At all. -- queer survivor who will not let you or anyone silence me.

Literally not something I’ve ever said, so congrats on the reading comprehension and thanks for being the 8,647th person to hop in my inbox or on one of my posts about this subject and attempt to make it about everything EXCEPT for things I actually have said and believe.

And for the record, there is a very clear line between depiction and romanticisation, are you kidding me??? Do you even get how communication works?

A work of fiction that essentially says “here are events that happened,” is a depiction.

A work of fiction that essentially says “here are events that happened, and the way in which they happened is intended to be received as sexy or romantic, as is further evidenced by reader reception in the form of comments about how sexy or romantic that depiction of events that happened was,”

....THAT is romanticization.

I am so, so, soooooooooo endlessly tired of being engaged by people who insist on being willfully dishonest and hypocritical about how much power they perceive fiction as having.

Every other day of the week, fanfic is empowering because it gives literally any of us a platform with which to reach other fans and express our own ideas, storylines and emotions regarding characters we all share an interest in.

But the second THIS conversation comes up, in ANY of its myriad forms, suddenly you’re all like, “ummmmm.....I am just a helpless little author who has never shaped anything I’ve ever written with any kind of specific intent or goal towards how I want the audience to receive or perceive my story?? I wouldn’t even know how to go about doing that? Is that even a thing?”

You all know damn well the difference between a story that depicts rape, pedophilia and incest, and a story that romanticizes/sensationalizes/uses those things as the specific elements that are supposed to result in that story being sexually gratifying to readers who engage with it.

Like, lmfao, I’m not the prude anyone makes me out to be, any more than I’m this evil censor about to go into all your houses and strip you of your ability to write whatever you want. Shockingly, guess what? I’ve written erotica myself! Not about those topics, clearly, but I’ve literally written and sold stories that I wrote with the specific intention of being perceived as erotic, sexy, romantic, etc.....

BECAUSE I, LIKE MOST OTHER WRITERS, KNOWS HOW TO GEAR A STORY IN VARIOUS DIRECTIONS WITHOUT HAVING TO ACTUALLY INCLUDE THE HEADERS “THIS PART IS JUST A DEPICTION” AND “OKAY NOW THIS PART YOU SHOULD THINK IS SEXY.”

LOLOL I’m so fucking tired. Literally the only message I have ever expressed on this subject in all the years I’ve been posting about it, on my own damn blog, in my own damn threads, with people like you always being the one to come and engage ME and still somehow operate under the impression that YOU’RE the ones being silenced here, like I’m the one going around to shut down everything YOU’RE saying every time you even open your mouth on a specific subject.....

Like, did I make that clear enough? Was the irony pointed enough there? Is it maybe sinking in a little, the utter ABSURDITY of people like you streaming into my inbox night after night, week after week, to yell “STOP SILENCING ME, I WILL NOT BE OPPRESSED OR CENSORED BY YOU”.....

When I literally have no idea who most of you are, thus couldn’t silence you even if I WANTED to, which again, is not something I’ve ever even expressed, given that my message on this subject over. And over. And over. And over. AND ALWAYS AND CONSISTENTLY IS:

I am not for censorship. Not only do I hate censorship, I don’t view it as even slightly effective, and at most its like trying to slap a bandaid on top of a wound without any attempt to even examine the injury itself and see how it came to be and what it really needs to be effectively treated.

My viewpoints on this subject have always been about one thing and one thing only: personal accountability.

As in, I advocate for people to just fucking apply a little more awareness to their OWN power, their OWN impact, their OWN platform....even if that platform is only fanfiction on the internet, yes.

Power and impact and influence are all still there, even among fanfic writers, as anyone who’s ever posted or reblogged about the legitimacy of fanfiction as a form of fiction, like, already damn well knows, so its so exasperating seeing that fly right out the window the second anyone asks a fanfic writer to scrutinize their own work to even just make sure THEY THEMSELVES are okay with ALL the potential impacts of whatever it is they’re writing.

Fiction is just language. Language is just a tool for communicating ideas, intents, emotions, experiences and more.

And like literally any other tool in the history of humanity, for this is literally the nature of tools and how they work....

A tool has no inherent ‘goodness’ that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be wielded in a way that produces harm. It simply exists. And its capacity to help or to harm, to be used in positive ways or negative ways.....depends SOLELY on its wielder and how they apply that tool and to what ends.

Fiction, whether the kind on bookshelves in stores or the kind found only on Ao3....has tremendous power. It communicates new ideas to people who’ve never considered a certain point of view before. It conveys new experiences to people who would never encounter something depicted firsthand in their own day to day lives. It conveys emotions, imbued into the narrative by the author themselves, even if those emotions are not necessarily always what the author thinks they are or intended them to be or not always ones readers truly read into the text versus simply project onto the text themselves. 

But there are an infinite variety of ways in which fiction has power, has impact, can and does reach people. It connects people, linking them via shared experiences or viewpoints or ideas so that a reader seeing themselves represented in what an author is writing can at least say they’re not alone, there’s someone else out there who says or thinks or experiences things similar to them. It can persuade people, exposing them to new viewpoints they’ve never considered before and convincing them of their validity by the arguments written into the text, even if they were never intended that way or the author might not even consciously be aware of making an argument in the text. It can fortify people, reassuring them that a perspective they have on a subject does have validity because here in this story, there’s someone thinking the same things for the same reasons. It can help people heal or even just hold on long enough to heal, by seeing their own tragedies reflected in a fictional mirror that still manages to impart that healing and recovery after something tragic are possible, that there is potentially more good still to come, in a reader’s life just as in a character’s story.

All I have ever expressed, over and over and over, is that its important to always keep sight of the fact that because fiction is just a tool, and not any more infallible than any writer using it to convey their thoughts and ideas and emotions.....

Fiction DOES still have just as much power to harm, too, if wielded irresponsibly. Everything I just detailed above has a flip side. Its a two way street, it can go both ways. Fiction can just as easily connect bigoted people, white supremacists, homophobes, transphobes, etc.....via shared experiences or viewpoints that reflect and empower the perspectives of bigots, etc. It can persuade people to do or think things that aren’t healthy, by exposing them to toxic viewpoints and convincing them of their validity due to a reader being vulnerable to various arguments that are made in bad faith. And no, this does not mean that I’m saying people run out and do what they see depicted or even romanticized in fiction. I’m simply saying fiction holds every capacity to convince people of the validity of something harmful as much as something healing.....it all just depends on how important that particular thing or argument is to their specific lives, how vulnerable or exposed they are to particular arguments, how much weight they give it, etc, etc. There are a ton of factors here. All I’m saying is this IS a factor, its included among those many, many other things. 

Moving on....it can fortify the worst kind of people, reassure them that their prejudices or toxic viewpoint on a subject has validity because a story is seemingly endorsing it without any sign within the narrative that the characters’ perspective on this matter IS flawed, or toxic or unhealthy or prejudiced, rather than just a straight forward and unbiased depiction. And yes, it can hinder personal healing or recovering, by keeping a reader mired in the same kind of thoughts or emotions they’re already currently battling and reinforcing their personal perception that there is no alternative to those things, etc, etc.

None of these are in any way a given, with any given story, any given writer, any given reader. There are tons of variables, as I said.

But also as I’ve said....my only point has always just been that these things EXIST, the potential for these things to happen in this or that way EXISTS, and it is willfully dishonest of fanfic writers and readers to insist on the power of fanfiction to help, to heal, to connect people......while simultaneously trying to absolve themselves of even the need to be CAREFUL with how they wield the power of fiction, because apparently, with fanfiction, its ONLY ever a one way street. Fanfiction NEVER has the power to harm, to reinforce negative or prejudiced perspectives, impart and convince readers of toxic viewpoints and arguments.

How can you pretend that’s not how this works? That saying la la la, I’m JUST a fanfic writer, I only have a couple hundred readers maybe, so by virtue of that, somehow, only good things can result from my writing, there’s noooooooo possible negative impact to any of my work or various ideas I put forth....

Like, that isn’t a thing! LOLOL. That’s not a disclaimer with any power or truth. All it is, is a fandom-spread and perpetuated lie meant to reassure people that here in this space, there is a kind of power that unlike ALL OTHER FORMS OF POWER IN EXISTENCE.....can only ever be a good thing, a positive thing...and thus there is no need for any one in a fandom space, whether writer or reader, to ever have to be on their guard or careful about what they say or believe the way they have to be ‘in the outside world.’ Here, in fandom, you can finally just RELAX, you can just enjoy yourself and have fun and not have to worry about whether you’re doing or saying the wrong thing because none of those things are even a POSSIBILITY here, and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to tarnish our perfect paradise, let the ugliness of the outside world into it via unnecessary and unasked for criticism and scrutiny that isn’t fair to apply here because its not like any of us have any real power, we’re just fans, writing stuff on the internet.

And people are just...DETERMINED not to accept that, or to even LOOK at it as the actual subject being discussed in a lot of these conversations. So you spin everything I and others like me say, turn them into arguments we’ve never actually espoused, warn against the perils of censorship we’ve never actually asked or advocated for, stand tall against the attempts to silence you...THAT HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED.

Like....the message that bothers me, the communication that I personally am disturbed by seeing practically everywhere I look in fandom? Yes....its the message conveyed by the mere existence, the sheer volume of fics that depict traumas exactly like mine....but in ways that sexualize them, make them seem more about erotic fantasy rather than the abuses of power that they are in real life. I hate these kinds of stories, and just how damn MUCH of them there are, its true. I’m not denying it, I’ve never denied it. To me, them and all the hundreds and thousands of kudos and comments they receive - even without reading the fics directly, just via a mere AWARENESS that these conversations are taking place, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise - to me, the message being conveyed over and over by them is that in the right light, from the right angle, things that happened to me at various points in my life are HOT, are SEXY.....

Like as an example, since apparently it seems I’ve been using my ‘gaybashed’ card too freely and unfairly shutting down conversations like this (lol again, let’s not forget, conversations that I begin, on my own blog, and that not a damn one of you is forced to interact with no matter how hard to play the STOP SILENCING angle when voluntarily approaching ME and trying to shame or guilt ME into not talking so much about this topic, aka SILENCING MEEEEEEEEEE)...

Anyway, all that aside, for this example let me pull from something I don’t talk about as much: the years when I was an escort in my late teens and early twenties, literally getting into bed with much older and extremely predatory men because I needed the money....AND because I was using this in part as a ‘coping mechanism’ to convince myself that sex had no power to hurt me. That thus by doing this I was retroactively taking away my rapes’ ability to harm me in the first place, and thus, I had never really been harmed and was FINE..... Except I was very much NOT okay, I absolutely ended up revictimized and further traumatizing myself because a lot of the people I interacted with at that period of my life were NOT good people and DIDN’T have a care for my best interests or even safety, even while saying and doing all the right things, the sexy things, even the romantic things...

I mean, I’m just saying....I could absolutely, without a doubt, write some of my own life experiences, things that were traumatizing to me and have left lingering scars....I could take some of those and write them in such a way as to have a sexualized or romanticized slant, publish them on Ao3 with names swapped out for some fictional characters and call it an AU.......and I for sure would get comments and kudos about how hot all of that was.

Now, I have no interest in doing that, obviously....but the thing is, I don’t HAVE to. Because those stories already EXIST, even if they don’t exactly match up to my specific experiences and they’re written by people who literally have no idea I even exist, let alone have lived through scenes eerily similar to what they write.

And just like those stories exist....the comments, and the kudos, and the praise and the glorification of these stories, the events depicted within them, the DYNAMICS depicted within them....these already exist as well. And I’m painfully, PAINFULLY aware of that. Every day. Every fandom I’m in. Every fandom I’ve ever been in.

And it SUCKS. I hate knowing that two posts down from some story I’m reading, there’s a story that has people drooling over the exact kind of predator that fucked with me and my head so much back in those years. I hate stumbling into an untagged AU every once in awhile and finding Bruce being depicted as Dick’s sugar daddy, preying on the MUCH younger man that we all normally associate with being his SON.....and knowing from past experience that if I click on the comments, almost without a doubt, judging by the 22 comments on one chapter alone, I’ll find enough swooning over how HOT and ROMANTIC this is, that it will most likely make me violently ill for the rest of the night. Because I so INTIMATELY know that there is NOTHING safe or healthy or not fucking traumatizing about that kind of dynamic with a person who is SUPPOSED to be safe and trustworthy to be around.......and I’m reminded all over again, just like I have been at SO MANY points in my life....how many people just don’t want to HEAR this, because they prefer their fantasy over the reality I know firsthand....BUT NONE OF THAT MAKES MY REALITY ANY LESS REAL OR LIVED THROUGH.

The thing so many of you don’t get is....none of this is even about whether I read these stories or not, none of it is about whether all of them get tagged properly or not....hell, none of it is actually about whether the people writing these fics are actually pedophiles or ‘endorsing’ these things or anything like that....I NEVER ARGUE ANY OF THAT, BECAUSE NONE OF IT IS THE POINT.

The point is just....the sheer bombardment of a singular message across so many fandoms, so many pairings, from so many people....

With that message being, to a very wide audience....with the right character in the right scenario....the things that for various people like myself and other survivors who DON’T like being surrounded by all this either, whether or not there are many survivors who for whatever reason DO find themselves okay with it... 

(And considering our existence and arguments don’t invalidate your acceptance of these things, why do you so confidently tout the idea that YOUR existence and arguments should somehow innately just make all of this less objectionable to us? Just curious.)

The point is, no matter who is writing these stories or why, whether they ACTUALLY endorse these things or would never in a million years find them acceptable in real life (and again, why are you so confident that this is true for EVERYONE who writes these things, and by extension, why the FUCK do you presume its okay to expect all survivors to just give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt as to why they’re writing these stories, when some of them are virtually indistinguishable from the kinds of things someone who DID find these things hot and sexy to enact on others in real life, would write themselves)....

Like.....none of that matters. Because none of that in any way affects the reality so many of us experience in fandom spaces:

That over and over we’re reminded that what was devastatingly traumatic for us, and impacts every day of our lives ever since.....to a wide audience of others, is just a hot, sexy fantasy and they’re all crying out MORE, MORE, GIVE US MORE.

And you all just sit back there and just us for saying....”it really bothers us to be surrounded by this message everywhere we turn.”

You shame US for saying this makes our fandom environment toxic and hostile at times.....and you flip the script and ask how dare WE shame survivors, who are probably just using these fics to cope....and literally ALL the people reading and writing these fics are survivors probably, I mean, you don’t know....and of course it’d be wildly inappropriate to ask so its probably best to just assume everyone writing these things are survivors....and thus we, no matter if we are survivors ourselves, have no business SHAMING or SILENCING them for just working through their shit in ways that its not even like it can actually hurt us anyway.

Except it DOES. It IS. And we say that, and you REFUSE TO HEAR US. You say “well this isn’t true for me, so it can’t be true for you or else just doesn’t matter if it is,” even though at no point have I or others I know ever said “because this is true for me, I am assuming it to be true for all survivors.”

You come into MY inbox, and act like you’re standing tall and proud against MY silencing tactics. Yeah, would I love it if I could go even a single day without having to gingerly avoid these stories and all mention of them, all casual references to them, all glowing praise of them, everywhere I look in fandom? Absofuckinglutely. Does me WANTING this thing - this thing we all know is never in actual danger of happening, lol - does this in ANY way ACTIONABLY translate into me censoring anyone, impeding anyone’s ability to write or post or read these things, is it me going in the comments of any of these fics and yelling HOW DARE YOU WRITE THIS and when that doesn’t get me the response I want, going to the blogs of the writers and yelling I WILL NOT BE SILENCED?

No. No. And fuck no. None of these things are happening, none of these things are reality.

And yet here you are, like SOOOOOOO MANY before you and like SOOOOOO MANY who will inevitably follow you in the future....

And your condescension and disdain for me and everything I think and everything I’ve lived through and my willingness or even just the way I choose to talk about it, just JUMPS off the page.

But the thing that will never not just absolutely fucking SLAY me, is the sheer absurdity of the accusations you and so many others level against me for MY censorship, MY shaming of other survivors. MY silencing tactics or whatever....

When you consider the fact that, yeah, I would love not having to see all these stories and other related things every single day. I would LOVE it.

But I’m not doing a single damn thing to make that a reality, to make that a DANGER, a THREAT to you and the thing you enjoy.....

Other than posting about it on my blog, and expressing how I feel about it, and arguing why I wish other people would spend more time considering perspectives like mine on the matter.

That’s it. That’s the whole grand conspiracy. That’s my awful and terrible assault on you and your autonomy and your freedom of speech and your interests and likes.

And meanwhile, here you are, stepping forward to confront ME in my own space about things I’ve said here and nowhere else that you’re forced to engage with and interact with and incapable of avoiding....

And you have the utter GALL to tell ME that YOU will not be silenced by the likes of me.

When every single person who reads this knows DAMN well that you and others like you only send me all these anons......

Because you want me to shut up and just never talk about these things again, as much if not more than I wish all these people would not even stop writing.....but rather just....would consider writing literally ANYTHING else instead.

But somehow, for some reason....when YOU want ME to stop talking....you’re not trying to silence me, or censor me, or any of those other things, oh know.

Its just me talking about my own damn feelings, experiences and opinions on my own damn blog.

THAT’S the real threat to fandom togetherness, community, and freedom of speech and personal autonomy.

LOL. Awfully convenient, wouldn’t you say?

But whatever. Its all good, anon. You go ahead and keep the moral high ground here. You’ve earned it, clearly.

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hi there :) ok, so first of all, your pseudo is amazing. Anyway, you were wondering if I was paying intention to the tags... of course omg!!! You put so much energy and love in your comment how could I not have seen it? seriously?? and true fact, I loose time every morning to check the reblogs just in case people put some stuff in the tags and idk, i cannot ignore it. So don't worry your endless tags full of feels will not end into the void ;) thanks you soooo much and have a great day!!

AKSLJDFLKGA DJLKGAJS FLKADJG ALDKGJ AKLDGJAKLG ZOMG ZOMG SCREEEEEEEEEECH IT’S AESTRAMA SAMA IN MY INBOX IT’S AN ARTIST OF PHENOMENAL ART IN MY INBOX SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*EXPLODES*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PEOPLE GO CHECK THEIR ART OUT IT’S FANTASTIC AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH ASDKLJDAG KDJ GLAKDJGAD

OMG. OMG. ASKJDAFDKHLJ ADKLFAJ DGKLADJGADK ADKLGJADLGKAD

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AESTRAMA SAMA I DON’T KNOW HOW TO REPLY TO YOU HGNNHFHNFG HKFGNH OMG I DIDN’T REALLY THINK YOU’D ACTUALLY DROP BY HNHG AAAAAHHHHH

Let me- let me add a keep reading here, aye? Ah. Omh. Aha,dg

Look, I REALLY want to freak out here because ZOMG IT U, but the truth is I can’t look at your inbox and freak out because I HAVE FAILED YOU OTL

It took me forever, but I did add the tags to yoru artwork where I asked you if you wanted me to…it’s here, if you want to check it out, but…know that I failed you… ;A;

Tumblr only allows 30 tags and there was NO WAY on this planet that I would put my thoughts and impressions of your artwork in only 30 tags, considering as well the space I use for search purposes which left me with like 20 and as hard as I tried to fill them as much as they allow me to, I just…didn’t get even ¼ to what I wanted to express… OTL

So I’m sorry that I kept you waiting for so AGONIZINGLY LONG and it’s not a big deal. You probably expected more but what did you expect me to say? Your art is beyond my vocabulary and mortal comprehension, I couldn’t do it as hard as I tried…forgive this mortal that adores your art but has no idea of how to express how much, almighty Aestrama… OTL

SO WHAT ABOUT I KEEP RANTING HERE BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL FULFILLED YET

IT’S JUST

AKSDLJF

AKSLDJFG LKAJDFKLAS GDKLJLAKDJ FLDKAGJALDKGAD JLK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WHOLEHEARTEDLY LOVE THAT ARTWORK OF YOURS KAJSDKALJG OMG I HAD ALREADY SEEN TWO OR SO ARTWORKS FROM YOU BUT THAT ONE SORTA SLAYED ME ;A;

The Regis-Noct relationship is my fave and it’s always so heartbreaking and touching, and you made it so…beautiful in a way I can’t describe. Your artwork itself radiates all this joy, all this sentiment, kasjdladkgjadkgjda, the artwork contains some load of emotion, and it transmits another load, and honestly, that’s what I think art is.

Not to talk about your art. Which is what I think I talked the less about when it should have been in first place because WOWEE, LOOK AT YOUR ART!!!!!!!!!!

And that one artwork is so good and so nice, because while it’s a fun and cute style, it’s not an artwork to laugh with, it really is touching and heartwarming. It may be the look on Regis’ face, happy and content, when in canon we’re not used to see him smile. I LOVE the colors and how you mad eof blue and black hues so happy and lighthearted. Lighthearted, that’s a word I’d give to it. That, and wholesome.

All in all, I think that your WONDERFUL art skills and the emotion within, plus the emotion it transmits really do a fantastic and phenomenal job at giving that one artwork its impact and impression. It’s really something I can’t put into words and that I will forever love akjsdlkajg aaah… ;__________;

AND THAT’S THAT. I’M SORRY I BURST INTO A RANT, IT’S JUST- I LOVE THAT WORK SO MUCH OTL

A-aah….and…omg…thank you for thinking that my pseudo is amazing, ahah, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) Thank you!!!

Also, I get what you mean with checking reblogs in case people put something in the tags. I do that, too, but sometimes I just stop checking because no one ever says a thing and I feel I’m just wasting my time. Which really made me think that the chances YOU checked the tags were so scarce, because a little writer with 20 or 30 tags gets tired sometimes from lack of tag content, and YOU, such a wonderful and skilled artist with 200 or more notes…??? So you probably check more reblogs with no tags, so it was probable you just didn’t check them anymore, which is fine and understandable!!

So it really surprised me that you sent this and let me know that you check them. That speaks so nicely about you…Thank you for taking the time to check the tags, despite knowing that maybe 1 in 15 people will say anything. Thank you, really, for checking them. It makes me so, so, so happy to know that my comments didn’t go to the void, at least now with you…thank you… :’)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND THANK YOU SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR THINKING THAT I PUT SO MUCH ENERGY AND LOVE IN MY COMMENTS KLAJSD ALKGJ ADLKG JADLKGJ ADLKGAJD GLKA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Silly as it may sound, sometimes I do put so much energy into things, and I reblog so many things, that it does tire me out? Which is why, when I first reblogged that artwork of yours, I said that about being exhausted. Sorry if it sounds absurd… OTL

So that you notice that I put energy and love into my comments really makes me so, so, soooooooooooooo happy!!!!! OMg, thank you SO MUCH and immensely for acknowledging that!!!!!!!!! My tags most of the time (or so it feels) go to the void, so that you not only read them, but also acknowledge all the hype I put into them, it really means a lot to me!! ZOMG I DON’T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU ASLDKFJG LKAJDG AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH ;w;

Thank you so, so, soooooooooo very and so dearly much for everything, dear artist. Thank you for taking the time to read the tags. Thank you even more for having taken up on my request and having dropped by to let me know that you were reading them. It really means a lot that despite how busy you may be and how much of a small blog I am, you still took the effort to write to me as a reply. Thank you for that, so, so immensely.

Thank you for your time and your attention, and thank you for being so immensely, incredibly kind and sweet with me. Besides a super skilled artist, you behaved with me like an incredible person. Thank you so much for being so nice and so friendly, you, wonderful creature… :’)

Thank you as well for sharing your PHENOMENAL art with us!!!! It’s made me so happy and I’m still marveled by it. Thank you!!!

All in all, thank you for everything, dear artist!!!!

I hope you’re having a MOST PHENOMENAL day or night!! Thank you!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ