#((but yeah Fae is on the aroace spectrum and I did tweak her info to include her being demiromantic/sexual!))

[weariedwightarchive]

Faegalad had heard it many times. That she would one day find someone she loved, and, hopefully, she would be able to marry them. She had tried to point out to Celebrimbor that not even he was married, but... when she learned of his love for Galadriel, she only felt... alone.

Truthfully, it was something she... couldn't wrap her head around. She didn't understand it when Mirdaniel talked about wanting to marry one day and have children. Didn't understand when she would hear others say how wonderful it felt when they met their partner or why anyone had any interest in getting married. She didn't share that interest. Didn't share that desire. And... as she grew older, as she neared her fiftieth year, she felt more and more alone. Felt like there was something wrong with her. Something... broken, even. But she did her best to ignore it. To smile and nod and pretend it was something she wanted, too, when she felt more and more suffocated and more isolated. Unsure how long she could keep up the facade before she cracked beneath it.

In an attempt to try and fix herself, she began to court. If someone showed interest, she gave them a chance - thinking she could fall in love herself and everything would be fine. That there wasn't something wrong with her and she just needed to meet the right one to feel whole. But... she never felt anything stronger than friendship to those she courted. She would kiss them and hope she would feel some sort of spark - feel anything to suggest she was alright - but... she never felt anything other than discomfort. She only felt her stomach tie into knots in a way that made her feel sick instead of like she was flying.

Her relationships never lasted long because of it, or got too serious. She tried to make them work, but... she could only let them go for so long until she realized she was only being cruel by leading them on when she felt no love for them. Sometimes it ended amicably, sometimes it didn't. It was never her intention to hurt anyone, but she did, sometimes, and it only made her feel worse. She didn't understand what was wrong with her or why she couldn't feel some sort of attraction like others felt toward her. Mirdaniel teased her for being too picky, and Faegalad tried to accept that as the answer. Tried to tell herself she was being too picky about who she wanted to be with and that she needed to be a little more lax with the standards she held that... didn't even exist. But she kept trying to find that spark - kept trying to fill the hole in her chest that she was so desperate to keep hidden because she was ashamed that there was something wrong.

But... then she became Ring-bearer. Became a pariah. She focused on being the best soldier she could - on proving her loyalty to her people who she abandoned. Her focus became them. Her people, her kingdom. On making things right and rebuilding Eregion, and keeping her kingdom strong. It was then that it... became easier to handle, because she stopped trying to fill that hole. Stopped focusing on what was wrong with her in favor of being ruler. Even though there was still a quiet, nagging thought in the back of her mind that she was broken. That there was something wrong with her that caused such strife to begin with.

Something she continued to keep to herself, out of shame of her own heart.