#((but ultimately he couldn't last forever as just a head as his soul still shattered eventually))

[abyssembraced]

Aversa's mention of an ‘Exaltling’ was lost on him, but Papyrus could respect her confidence in her abilities! He too fancied himself a master of his own magic. He had honed his powers extremely well, able to keep such a tight control over it that he could cause his attacks to deal a highly specific amount of harm to their target. Among other things! Truly Royal Guard material, if you asked him!

“HAVE NO FEAR! THEY DON'T CALL ME THE GREAT PAPYRUS FOR NOTHING!” No matter how insistent the pegasus might be on not being befriended, he would be persistenter! As persistentest as he needed to be until he won her over!! That was what worked for Undyne, after all! “I'M VERY SKILLED AT NOT DYING.” So skilled at it that it's never happened even once!

Blissfully unaware of the human's... potentially murder-y temptations, Papyrus responded to her slew of questions with his usual enthusiasm.

“MONSTERS ARE MADE ALMOST ENTIRELY OF MAGIC! REMOVING A BODY PART... PROBABLY WOULD NOT BE GOOD I THINK.” He didn't remember ever experiencing such a thing before, so he wasn't entirely certain what would happen. And if he was being honest, he didn't particularly want to find out! Separating a limb from his body and thus severing its connection to his SOUL... Seemed like a Very Not Good idea.

“BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A DEMONSTRATION OF MY MAGIC, THEN WHO AM I TO REFUSE SUCH A CURIOUS SOUL?”

Papyrus struck a very cool pose, and right at that moment, five massive bones burst out from within the earth behind the skeleton. The attacks even towered slightly over their summoner (who was incredibly tall by human standards himself).

While not leaving his pose just yet, Papyrus opened one eye to steal a glance at Aversa's expression and gauge her reaction. Was she impressed? He hoped so!!! 

After another moment, Papyrus dismissed the attacks, and the bones vanished into thin air. He brought his hands to his hips, and laughed, “NYEH HEH HEH! WHAT DO YOU THINK?” She thought he was cool, right?

Then, he stepped forward, with his fist outstretched toward Aversa. Another bone formed in his enclosed hand, its ends peeking out from the sides. It was significantly smaller than the attacks from his earlier demonstration (thus making it a much more manageable size), and took on a golden hue, rather than the white of the previous bones.

“AND THIS... IS MY GIFT TO YOU!!” Papyrus turned his hand so that his palm faced upward and then opened it, allowing Aversa to take the bone. He held no malice in mind while forming the object, so it wouldn't cause any pain to the human if she touched it. He poured extra magic into it to ensure that it would last a long time, too! Plus that meant it had enough magic in it to exist independent of his concentration.

"I wouldn't say the mindless undead are totally at a loss. They were a great tool in war, when I was fighting on the wrong side. The little exaltling would never allow such a strategy however, should the mass go rogue the people at risk and all that valiance..." not looking so great for her innocence in town there. "As if I'd ever let my control slip. Honestly." ok then. We love a confident woman?

Papyrus' attempts at thinking 'nice' would win Raven though... That's a laugh. "I won't stop you, but don't cry to me if she kicks you apart and you got to reassemble or something. Her being Ornery is exactly why i love her. Neither of us will get tamed that easily." the timing of that snort could practically be an agreement. "Actually, on that note, are you able to detach your bones at will? what is holding you together, physically?" She waned to get in there and start poking prodding... Frankly, she could. No one of importance would know.

Probably.

Then again, implementing any discoveries done the wrong way would lead to explanations being needed and she wasn't the only plegian dark mage with the shephards. someone would pick up on her smoothed out explanation for hurting this innocent skeleton. Ha. innocent skeleton. what a thought.

"Actually, before doing anything else It's best I know more or less how you tick in general. Dark magic is already fickle with humans, which i know Intimately, so experimenting with a preexisting anomaly needs to be done carefully. Aside from a living skeleton, what are you? The proportions of your skull for instance imply something other then a human origin to your bones. Are you capable of any magic yourself, other then whatever magic is holding you together? Things like that."

"Unless you'd like me to be reckless and risk losing one of your ribs or something." Why did she say that last part with such an amused smile?

[lunarkat87]

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I guess I stopped when I lost touch with my best friend who was like a sister. I've been wishing I could talk to her for guidance for so long, but I had to let her go for myself. She was attempting to push a guy on me when I wasn't ready, and purely so I would have a reason to move back to our hometown. Didn't she remember how bad that place was for me? I was homeless for nearly 4 years, bouncing between places, never secure, just surviving. Every time we talked I could feel my energy depleting, but she was my best friend, so why would I leave her? She was getting married, so naturally she was focused a lot on that, and I was meant to be her maid of honor. And as the MOH, it was my job to stand up for the bride, and to get the bridal party in order. So when I saw how much they kept hurting her, and how she was more sad about her experience as a bride than happy, I stepped up to the plate. Me, the girl terrified of her own shadow on some days. But I did it, and she called me her only friend, and her other bridesmaids did not like it, so they ran to her.... and she called me a bully. It was in that moment that my heart was broken, that she could think I had bullied people into something. She was ultimately my soul mate, we were meant to be in each others lives... and suddenly I was reduced to this one word. And all the pain, all the hurt I had over the years preceding this came pouring out, how she guilt tripped me, how I needed her and she wasn't there, how just because it wasnt what she wanted to do she didn't stick to plans with me. How she blew me off time and again, and how she stopped seeing me and I always had to travel to see her. And it was done. And what broke my heart more was the relief that I felt after I sent her an email. I loved her, so why would I be relieved? But as I write this today, I wish I could talk to her. Because she was and has always only ever been, the person that understood me. Who understood my heart, my mind, my emotions. Who helped me heal from my ex-fiancé that cheated on me. On the days I felt like giving up, and not being able to see through the blinding pain she was there to support me. She sent me quotes, she texted me every day, she made sure I was okay. And she always knew deep down I wasn't, and she was okay with that. She didn't expect or need me to be. And I wish I could have her now, because as I write this that fragile heart that I had finally fixed, has broken and shattered all over again.

You see, I met a guy. It had been 2 years, and I was ready to open myself to the idea of love again, especially because I realized I did not love my ex anymore, nor had I for a long time. I had tried dating in between those years, but it never felt right, or like I was ready. But after spending time on my own and feeling empowered, I downloaded a dating app. But it wasn't long before I began to dislike it, I don't like judging based off of pictures, and only a few words. I was feeling discouraged, maybe I wasn't ready... but then the app pinged for someone they thought I might like. I saw him and thought, wow he is handsome, he has a smile that I could melt from, and.... was that a racoon on his head?? I had to know, and so I hoped he would respond. And there began my downfall, because he did.

We spent an entire week texting, and I found myself eager and smiling at my phone. I was actually excited, and couldn't wait to meet him in person. We even came up with nicknames... he was Cinna-Ron because he asked me if I thought he was as sweet as a cinnamon roll... and he was, but even more so. My heart pounded as I waited to meet at the boba shop where he would pick me up for our date. And when he finally arrived, he was even more amazing in person. And he brought me burgundy colored carnations, it was that moment I knew I'd love those flowers forever. He opened my door for me and was a true gentleman, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I felt the world slow and my heart stop. All I could think was "wow~" we spent the whole night together, talking and kissing and flirting and I was convinced I had never felt more alive. And so began my hope.... that evil, snaring, soul crushing light..... the hope that things would keep going well, and that he felt the same way. To my excitement he did, and it was like I had known him forever. I was so unbelievably happy, and excited, and absolutely terrified. Because deep down I knew he was going to break my heart.... and so I ignored all of my alarms, my instincts. "Run away, he is going to hurt you" "don't let him in, keep him at a distance" "this will only lead to pain" and I could feel my heart shake from fear... like it knew it wouldn't survive another fracture... but I stood my ground, I was going to fight myself and trust for once, because he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before. He made me feel safe, he was why I took so long to come back, because I wanted to give him a real unicumbered chance at loving me, instead of pushing him away. I was happy being alone, I was content with myself and who I was, but I wanted to share it.... so I let him in.

Not long after I began to have health issues, an excruciating pain developed in my abdomen that I never found a real answer for. I hurt my wrist at work, and was in a minor fender bender that hurt my upper back. I was in my last year of Nursing school, and so the stress began to overwhelm me and I started overeating again. Before I knew it I was 30 pounds heavier.... but worst of all the darkness started creeping back in.... here was my depression again.... and crippling anxiety.... it began to be too dark to see any light.... I failed 2 exams in my last semester.... but I still had hope and light because he was there. Reminding me I was smart and I could do it.... and when I opened up about my mental health, I told him I would understand if he didnt want to stay because he didnt sign up for that... and he told me he wasn't going anywhere.... and so I had some hope to hold onto.... because I knew the real Kat was in there still, but the world was piling it on and I was suffocating, and he was patient enough for me to get back to me again. A week later he changed his mind.... he decided he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings" for me as I had for him. A polite way of saying he doesn't love me, and knew he never would. And just like that, hope was gone....

Did I imagine it? The last 8 months? Was I really the only one who fell in love? Did I misread all of his actions as just really strong like and not love? The only reason I was open about my feelings towards him was because I genuinely believed he felt the same, his actions spoke louder than his words, or lack thereof. And I said I would wait for when he was ready to say it back, because I wasn't going anywhere and he made me believe he felt the same.... little did I realize he had one foot out the door from the start of our relationship. He thought the feelings would grow but they never did.... so when he smiled at me and held me close did he feel nothing? Was there not a fire roaring in his chest for me? Did not every fear and care melt away? Did the sound of my voice not send a thrill through his heart? Did he not look at me and feel pure happiness? What happened? What went wrong? What changed? It was me. It had to be me. Why else would he decide this now? He couldnt see the girl he first met anymore, I was a whole new person to him and he did not like what he saw or how he felt with me. And so he decided it wasn't "fair" to me if he kept me because he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings."

Ultimately I don't believe I ever really had a chance with him, because he kept me at a distance emotionally. I realize now he never truly opened himself to me, and when he saw how serious, how real a relationship with me could be. He chose to run instead of opening his heart to being hurt. So you know what, maybe I do deserve better than that. I deserved the person he made me believe be was, he started out all in but I didnt realize he had that foot out the door, especially after I told him those three words. He has an idea of what he thinks love is like and how it's supposed to last, but doesn't realize that love is different each time you find it. He always told me he loves love, so why didnt he want the love in front of him? I think he still holds his heart for the one girl he ever really loved. So he'll never find what he is looking for because each new person he brings into his world, he never really gives a chance to, they'll never fit that mold. How can he expect to love someone, if he doesn't allow himself to? And yet, here I am... still wondering why I was not enough.... it's never enough.... and so I've closed my heart to love permanently. Because I can't stand this pain.... I feel so tricked... and so betrayed... the only quote befitting this is by Bob Marley "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." How do I trust love if it ever comes again? Because what I mistook for love from him, was apparently nothing.... how do I trust actions now? How do I trust myself? And how did I mean absolutely nothing to him? Why am I the only one hurting? How was I so blind? I was foolish to believe someone like him actually loved me... it never crossed my mind that he didn't... he never made me feel otherwise.... I hate this. But what can I do? He'll never regret this decision, that isn't like him. Why would he regret leaving someone he doesn't love? He'll never miss me, for the same reasons. I can't make him love me if he doesn't. I'll be a fleeting thought for him, but for me he'll always be that maybe. I'll always find myself wanting to talk to him, wishing I could be with him. And if he ever does find love, I'll likely envy that girl. Because she must be something truly special to awaken his love... so I'll go back to finding myself. I'll try to finish school amidst this chaos in the world, become a nurse, buy a house with a backyard for my dogs. And be content knowing that I don't want love, I don't want this pain. I reached for too much happiness and light, and so the universe has ripped all of that away from me, reminding me that I don't get that kind of contentment. School hangs in the balance, still unsure if they will be able to continue due to Covid-19. The man I thought loved me is gone, and my love with him. That bright shiny future I thought was waiting this year is gone. So now I'm lost to wander alone. But this time I choose to be, because this pain isn't worth my sanity, or my life. I'm tired of surviving, I want to live.... Goodbye my sweetest of cinnamon rolls... I know you'll never see this... but I hope you know the love I felt was real...

03/19/2020 2220