#((I cannot reiterate enough he sucks guys he's actually terrible))

[peepoo79]

Sometimes I like to consider what Bateman would be like if he'd gone into something other than finance...

Anyway more hospital AU content. Eat up.

((TW: Patrick being himself. Misogyny, being a creep, blood, cringe ass dialogue, etc.))

[enbyleighlines]

Since canonically wwx is a terrible cook and wn is actually really good at it what about everyones fave qpps making dinner for lan wangji and a yuan's family birthday dinner (not required but bonus if the whole family is coming over/comes over)? I think wn likes feeding people!

Ooooh, what a cute idea! I absolutely adore it, thank you. I hope you enjoy this drabble, my anonymous friend~

—

Wei Wuxian is a famously bad cook. It is a well known fact about him, primarily because he comes from a family which owns and runs its own restaurant.

But Wen Ning is an optimistic sort of person. He believes, fully in his heart, that anyone can be good at anything if they work hard enough. That includes Wei Wuxian, a man who once burned a hole through a saucepan. Even he, Wen Ning believes, can become a decent cook with time and effort.

Even so, Wei Wuxian is currently wearing Wen Ning’s faith thin.

“What is that?” Wen Ning asks.

On the cutting board, there lies a mass of... something. To Wen Ning’s best estimate, it’s a mishmash of different vegetables. The bits and pieces are all in various shapes and sizes. They also happen to be lying in a puddle of their mixed fluids.

Wei Wuxian looks between the cutting board and Wen Ning. The knife in his hand is disturbingly wet. “I diced up the vegetables,” he says.

Wen Ning wordlessly takes the knife Wei Wuxian is holding. It’s difficult to see under all the pulp, but Wen Ning notices that the edge is rather dull. “This is a bread knife,” Wen Ning tells Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian pouts. Really, he’s a master at playing the petulant child. “So? A knife is a knife! Does it matter what kind I use?”

“Yes,” Wen Ning answers. He doesn’t want to show any frustration. After all, this is meant to be a bonding experience for the two of them. And, he does love Wei Wuxian dearly. “This knife isn’t sharp enough for vegetables. Wasn’t it difficult to cut into them?”

Wei Wuxian enters a thinking pose. “Ah,” he says, “You’re right! But I didn’t want to dirty another knife...”

“That would have been fine,” Wen Ning assures him, “See, the problem with using a bread knife for cutting vegetables is that you have to apply a lot of extra pressure, and sometimes you end up mashing everything into a pulp.”

To Wen Ning’s amusement, Wei Wuxian listens diligently. He even looks regretful.

“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian says, after a pause, “Should I go to the store and pick up some more veggies?”

“No, it’s fine.” Wen Ning grabs a sharper knife from the drawer and gets to work cutting the larger pieces into proper cube shapes. “It shouldn’t affect the flavor of the dish,” Wen Ning tells his partner, “But they should all be bite-sized. Also, if they’re all the same size, they’ll be evenly cooked.”

Wen Ning can feel Wei Wuxian’s gaze on his hands as he chops with practiced ease. Soon, the vegetables look a little more edible than before.

When Wen Ning finishes, Wei Wuxian lets out a held breath.

“You know, I always get so nervous seeing you hold sharp objects,” Wei Wuxian admits, while placing a hand on Wen Ning’s shoulder, “It feels like it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Wen Ning frowns at Wei Wuxian. “Why’s that?”

“You used to be so accident prone,” Wei Wuxian explains, “I remember, in high school, you got accused of skipping class because you called sick in so often. Your immune system was basically nonexistent. And there was that time you twisted your ankle so bad in gym that the teacher had to carry you to the nurse’s office. And that time in college you slipped on a patch of black ice and got a concussion—”

“Yes, okay, I get it,” Wen Ning cuts him off.

“My point is,” Wei Wuxian continues with a chuckle, “I guess I’m just got into the habit of always watching out for you, to ensure you don’t get hurt. Letting you handle a knife seems counterintuitive.”

Wen Ning puffs out his cheeks, but it’s mainly to hide a very real hurt.

“Hey,” Wei Wuxian says, clutching Wen Ning’s arm, “I just want to protect my partner. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Wen Ning feels heat overtaking his face, and turns his head to hide the blush from Wei Wuxian’s perceptive eyes. He feels— well, he doesn’t have the language to describe it. Full of light, perhaps. Or fizzy, like a carbonated beverage. It’s neither entirely good nor entirely unpleasant.

Of course Wen Ning appreciates the concern. And the verbal confirmation of their queerplatonic bond thrills him. But there’s something else. After a second of thought, Wen Ning realizes what is bothering him.

“I suppose,” Wen Ning replies, “But... I’m not a child.”

“Oh?” Wei Wuxian releases his grip on Wen Ning’s arm. He moves into Wen Ning’s line of sight, connecting their gazes before speaking again. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to imply you’re childish. Just that I care about you.”

“I know,” Wen Ning assures him. He pauses a moment, and then pulls Wei Wuxian into an embrace. The warmth of his friend’s body loosens some of the tension in his muscles. It gives Wen Ning the strength to be vulnerable. “I’m glad you care about me,” he murmurs into Wei Wuxian’s shoulder, “I care about you, too. But I don’t want to be treated like a child. Other people do that a lot, when they find out I’m... not interested in sex.”

“Oh?” Wei Wuxian says again. “I... didn’t know that. That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Wen Ning doesn’t believe for a second that Wei Wuxian would say anything to intentionally hurt him.

“I mean,” Wei Wuxian adds, “if anything, I’m the child here. Look at the complete mess I made out of the vegetables. I’m surprised you even asked me to help you cook dinner. Unless you want to give our entire extended family food poisoning?”

Wen Ning pulls back from Wei Wuxian with a sigh. “I won’t let you give anyone food poisoning,” he promises.

“Not even Jin Zixuan?”

Wen Ning snorts. “Not even him. Why are you even still pretending to hate him?”

“Hmm... to keep things interesting, I guess!” Wei Wuxian grins one of his dashing devil smiles. It might look menacing, if it didn’t also light up his eyes like heavenly beacons.

As usual, Wen Ning cannot help but reflexively mirror Wei Wuxian’s good mood. “If you say so. Anyway, we should get back to business. Do you know anything about making the dough for steamed buns?”

“From scratch?” Wei Wuxian asks, “Absolutely nothing.”

Wen Ning perks up. He personally finds making and kneading dough incredibly therapeutic. “Okay,” he says, “Let me show you.”

—

When Wei Wuxian said ‘entire extended family’, he wasn’t exaggerating. For better or for worse, they collectively consider a large expanse of people their family.

There’s Wei Wuxian’s adoptive parents and siblings, Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng. Jiang Yanli brought her husband and son, while Jiang Cheng brought his lovers Wen Qing and Nie Huaisang, the former being Wen Ning’s Jiejie.

Aside from Wen Qing, Wen Ning’s family includes Granny, and a few aunts and uncles.

And then Lan Wangji invited his Shufu and Fuqin, plus Lan Xichen, Lan Xichen’s wife Nie Yuyan, and their son, Lan Jingyi. And since it always feels weird to extend invitations to Nie Huaisang and Nie Yuyan without including Nie Mingjue, he’s also there.

Lan Wangji’s apartment is big, but it’s still an apartment. Fitting everyone inside is possible, but not ideal. By the time everyone has arrived, Wen Ning is starting to get just a little claustrophobic.

And he hasn’t even left the kitchen yet.

Wei Wuxian initially went out to socialize, but now he returns to Wen Ning’s side. Or rather, he hangs himself over Wen Ning’s shoulders like a backpack.

“How are you doing?” He asks gently.

Wen Ning almost plays it off, almost gets defensive. But then he swallows down the urge to reiterate that he is not a child. The truth is, he does have social anxiety, and he is feeling overwhelmed.

So instead Wen Ning squeezes one of Wei Wuxian’s hands. “It’s a lot of people,” he answers.

“Yeah... we might have invited too many people,” Wei Wuxian admits.

His breath tickles Wen Ning’s neck, but somehow it doesn’t feel suffocating. If anything, having a Wei Wuxian flesh barrier makes Wen Ning feel more secure.

“Maybe,” Wen Ning says, “but who would you choose not to invite in a hypothetical do-over? Everyone here is family.”

“True.” Wei Wuxian nuzzles their cheeks together. “I suppose, in the future, we can just invite one side of the family at a time. But that doesn’t sound quite as fun as having everyone together at once.”

Wen Ning nods his agreement. He grips Wei Wuxian’s hand tighter, not wanting the embrace to end so soon.

Wei Wuxian gets the message and cuddles closer.

“I’m having fun,” Wen Ning tells Wei Wuxian, “Even if I feel claustrophobic, I’m still glad that everyone is here. I might just need to retreat to the kitchen once in a while.”

“Okay,” Wei Wuxian agrees, “To be fair, I think Lan Zhan feels the same way, though he’s too stubborn to admit it. Basically, I’m dating two introverts. Luckily for you guys, I thrive best in chaotic environments. I’ll handle all the socializing, whenever you want to take a breather.”

Wen Ning chuckles. “Thanks, A-Xian.”

They continue to cling for another moment. Wei Wuxian’s presence takes some of the edge off of Wen Ning’s anxiety, replacing the nervous energy with a calm warmth. When Wei Wuxian finally does draw back, Wen Ning feels rejuvenated.

“Okay,” Wen Ning says, and picks up a tray of vegetable spring rolls. “I’m ready.”

[signoraviolettavalery]

Okay, so, Carina made a post about Malex and I’ve gotten an ask about it from @makeitfeelover and @gra-sonas made some very astute commentary so I figured I’d throw in my two cents

First of all, Carina has said nothing new. She made a big post and now people are freaking out and there’s Discussion again so I just want to reiterate: she has said exactly this before. In my book, she said two things: 

1. She’s not making any promises, which she has said before, because she cannot promise a happily ever after at this point in time. She has no idea what will happen 4+ years down the line. She has no idea if the actors will stick around, if the network will cancel them, if network leadership will change and make her curtail Malex. It sucks that we don’t have a guarantee, but also, that’s reality. I do believe she wants to give Malex a happy ending, she just can’t promise it. 

2. She wants to give Malex a satisfying, fulfilling story. I fully believe she means this. The problem is that I doubt both Carina’s knowledge and ability to do so. Granted, everyone has their own definition of a satisfying story, but. Carina has shown that she has trouble writing a story without major plot holes and lapses (what was the point of Alex heading up Project Sheppard to find the serial killer if he wasn’t around in 1x11 when they found the serial killer? Who knows what about aliens? Does Alex know the truth about Rosa’s murder? When could Alex have told Maria about museum guy if they went straight from the museum to the toolshed?), that she is willing to engage in harmful tropes and destroy established characterization just so she can satisfy her very particular storytelling desires (the disaster that is the love triangle and assassinating Maria’s character to do it, and yes, I know there’s people who think it’s good representation; I think it’s terrible, the queerbaiting that was Rosa/Isobel, the Latina woman forgiving the white man who endangered his family, the white man who won’t recognize his own privilege, the black woman who is nothing more than a dispensary of ~wisdom~ whenever the plot demands it), and  - this is my biggest issue with her - lacks a fundamental understanding of the queer experience. 

It’s this last point that bothers me. I 100% believe Carina that she loves Malex. They matter to her. She wants to give them a good story. That doesn’t mean she’s capable of telling that good story, or that she has a good enough understanding of what it’s like to be queer to satisfyingly tell a story about queerness. She insists she consults LGBT advocacy groups (whose names she mysteriously won’t give us), but frankly, based on her writing choices and the things she’s said, I have my doubts about whether she actually listens to what they say and makes changes. She’s stuck a bisexual man in the middle of a love triangle between a man and a woman, perpetuating the indecisive bisexual trope, and frankly I don’t think I have to explain why that’s harmful; there’s been more than enough written about that already. She’s insisted that Michael going to Maria for something “easy” has nothing to do with her being a woman, when he lives in a canonically homophobic small town and his relationship trauma stems largely from homophobia and a homophobic hate crime. In Roswell, in Michael’s situation, being with Maria is “easy” because he would never, ever have to deal with the kind of issues he and Alex have been traumatized by. 

So yes, I think @gra-sonas is completely right that we want to see them together, and we don’t think that’s going to be boring, because they have a lot of issues to work through, and it won’t be satisfying if we have to wait until the last episode for them to get together. All that is true. But I think there’s an even bigger problem, which is the discrepancy between Carina’s intentions and her knowledge and ability. I was so hopeful and excited about season 1, and in the end, so fundamentally disappointed with how it turned out. Carina brought to life an amazing world and set up amazing stories, but didn’t follow through with their full potential. She threw characterization and representation under the bus to satisfy her desire to see a man and a woman kiss onscreen as soon as possible. 

I know all this is my opinion. There’s fans who are satisfied by season 1. There’s fans who think the love triangle is good representation and that Maria is a tolerable character. There’s fans who don’t see the plot of season 1 as engaging in harmful tropes, or who have found ways to explain away the plot holes. My opinion is just that - my opinion. It’s not universal. This has been my evaluation of the first season for a long time now, and frankly, I’m not going to argue about it. I just thought I’d share my two cents because I was asked. 

I’ll also say, I’m not positive I”ll be watching season 2 beyond the premiere. As I’ve made clear, I don’t trust Carina as a storyteller, and there are so many ways I could envision season 2 disappointing me (Alex forgiving Maria chief among them). I had such high hopes for season one, and they were dashed. I’m not keen on being disappointed again, so Imma let all of you suffer through it first and tell me what happens before I consider touching it with a ten-foot pole. Carina had a season to win me over and get me to trust her enough as a storyteller to keep tuning in. She failed. In my book, that’s her failing at her job, because her job is to tell a story that gets people to tune in. But again, I don’t expect that stance to be universal. 

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

Hi! I'm a jonerys shipper but I find your theories very interesting. I wonder though, how will you feel about the show/Asoiaf if Political!Jon is debunked with season 8? Do you think it will change your opinion on Jon? And will you still ship Jonsa if he truly bent the knee because he is in love with Dany? I suppose I'm wondering how a post S8 Jonsa faction will look.

Hello! I really appreciate the question because it’s not a bad one: what if political!Jon isn’t a thing? First, I guess I’ll explain what I think has to be true for political!Jon to not be true.

Jon has to have total faith in Dany’s ruling ability; not just her capacity as a conqueror. Jon has to have thought it was acceptable to give away the Stark ancestral home without consulting anyone about it. Jon has to have actually been unable to lie to Cersei at the Dragonpit. Jon has to actually believe that the stuff he warned Dany about earlier in the season (about northerners not wanting to follow a southern ruler) is either not true anymore - or - at least not as important as the urgency to give away his crown before he could even talk to them about it.

All of these have terrible, terrible implications on Jon’s character.

Because it will mean a number of things…

1) It would mean that Jon really didn’t learn anything from Robb and Ned and their respective downfalls. That’s tragic in itself. When it comes to Robb, sure he made mistakes that cost him his life - but he was also way too young and thrust into a position he should never have been forced to undertake. The same is somewhat true for Jon, except he’s now been in leadership and he knows his family’s mistakes. 

I don’t want “aww shucks” stupid heroes. I don’t enjoy that type of storytelling. I don’t think it’s something I can suspend my disbelief while I’m watching if I actively think “he is a complete and total idiot” and he’s supposed to be un-ironically a hero of the story. Beyond that, I think that’s the opposite of the point of Jon’s arc, most especially in the books but also on the show. 

Robb and Ned are there to be cautionary tales for good people who are struggling with the intricacies of dangerous political games. Jon being as dopey as not learning anything from their decisions cheapens Robb’s story, it cheapens Ned’s story, and it makes Jon simply a lucky idiot if he somehow survives.

Jon is also taking a gigantic risk throwing all his eggs in Dany’s basket even if he thinks she’s the most wonderful person. He has no idea what she’s like as a ruler. He didn’t know anything about her other than she’s come to Westeros and has three dragons. He doesn’t know anything about her tenure in Essos - or that it concluded with her very responsibly have Daario Naharis overlooking the biggest political transition in thousands of years over there. No big deal.

In the best case scenario, Jon would have been detained on the island, been “asked” to bend the knee to Dany on multiple occasions, and agreed to go on a mission that he otherwise wouldn’t have gone on (since he asked Dany multiple times to come North without regard to Cersei’s intentions) and almost died on that mission only to have seen Dany take another big risk by flying her dragons up North to try to save him.

That’s not even close to enough information for Jon to know whether Dany is in any way a good ruler. Flying dragons and ruling are two different things. He took a huge gamble whether it’s political!Jon or not; but at least with political!Jon it was because he felt he HAD to do it to ensure her commitment. The alternative is Jon handing that over without any clue as to whether she can do the mundane things like administer land dispute decisions or responsibly manage the treasuries of Westeros. 

2)  It would mean that Jon governs and makes decisions based solely on his own emotional impulses which would really suck. It’s practically inexcusable for Jon to behave this way. It’s irresponsible as a ruler for him to just hand Dany power like he did at face value without talking to anyone from the North about it first. You could have made an argument to me that Jon could legitimately think Dany should rule the North and it might be a plausible explanation without making Jon a terrible rule IF Jon had actually waited until he returned North to tell the lords in person that he planned to give away the crown for her.

By not doing so, it tells me that either Jon is inconsiderate and impulsive enough to give away something as sacred as an entire country (on the macro) and his childhood home (on the micro level) - OR - there’s something else in play for why he felt it absolutely necessary to “bend the knee” with the timing as it occurred. If there’s some 3rd explanation that I haven’t thought of - I’d actually be willing to read it first before I decided whether it’s an idea willing to entertain.

I don’t talk politics thaaaat much on here, but the analogy really would be that, after being elected, Donald Trump literally believed he had the authority and moral high ground to hand his presidency over to Putin. Not only would everyone hate him, but he literally does not have the authority to act like that and would be removed from his position before it happened.

[to be clear Jon =/= Trump and Dany =/= Putin. It’s an analogy on political leaders behaving in another context. If you want, you can imagine the PM of Canada and the the King of Wakanda as substitutes behaving the same way.]

By going solo in that process - Jon almost guaranteed at the very least a gigantic amount of political turmoil in the North…but it’s something I think he’s aware of and has anticipated. If he hasn’t - he has no business ruling anything ever. 

There is no reasonable explanation for the timing of Jon bending the knee (before consulting with anyone in the North let alone his very own travel companion Davos) other than political!Jon and realizing the exact moment was right because Dany had just promised to help fight the Night King and Jon wanted to cement her commitment as much as he could.

3) It would mean that Jon genuinely valued everyone knowing openly that he planned to fight Cersei in the war after the Night King over actually getting the truce to allow them to fight the NK. If Jon did what he did at the Dragonpit - then he proved himself a liar when he said just before that “there is only one war that matters” because he immediately (again, in the absence of political!Jon) affirmed his position in the war for the Iron Throne at the expense of the war to save the Realm. 

Beyond the silliness of the idea that Jon Snow is incapable of lying to Cersei - it really is highlighted perfectly in Jon’s scene with Theon:

“You risked everything just to tell an enemy the truth.”

I mean…is telling the truth generally good? Yes.

Is telling the truth still good if….

SCENARIO: Bad Guy has their finger on the button to launch a nuclear weapon on a Sunday and they say, “oh wait, these nuclear codes were only good until Sunday and now it’s after midnight so it’s Monday!” 

Bad Guy is momentarily confused. “Or is it still Sunday? Say! You, Honest Fellow! If it’s really after 12:00 AM, I’ll have to leave here and try to grab more launch codes, is it really after midnight? I don’t have my watch.”

Honest Fellow: “I’d like to tell you it’s 12:04….but alas, I cannot. It is 11:58-…”

*KABOOM*

Well…you’d rightfully be displeased with Honest Fellow. But, then again, I think Jon Snow would hate this honest fellow as well. How stupid is that if it’s the same story we heard at face value? 

“I just can’t lie!” 

That’s irredeemably stupid. It KNOWINGLY put everyone at risk and actually is LUCKY that Cersei planned all along to accept a truce so she could have time to replenish her forces with the Golden Company. 

I’d recommend that the Honest Fellow version of Jon Snow climb up that 700 foot Wall he’s supposedly been working so hard to protect and fling himself off. They could call it Lord Commander’s Landing.

4) It would completely upend the part of Jon’s story where he has yearned to truly be a part of House Stark, his residual guilt about not being there to help Robb when the fighting began, and his close relationship with Sansa after their reunion. 

I could say plenty of shippy things about how the absence of political!Jon would completely ruin the relationship with Sansa that Jon’s built since they reunited but I don’t even have to go there. Simply as a close companion and trusted adviser and family member, Jon would have spat right in her face.

People seem to misinterpret Jon feeling like an outsider with the rest of the Starks with Jon never feeling welcome and never wanting to be a member of House Stark. The exact opposite is true. Jon’s detachment was due specifically to his wanting very much to be Jon Stark but feeling like it was an impossibility because of his birth. Jon loved the Starks. He wanted to be known as Ned’s son. He craved acceptance from Catelyn but never received it. It’s caused him to feel unworthy of that. 

When they found the direwolf pups, Jon wanted each Stark to have a wolf first. It was essentially a gift of the gods that Jon “heard” Ghost (who is famously silent) after his noble self-denial in favor of the trueborn Starks. 

Immediately after winning the BotB, Jon makes sure Sansa takes up residence in the Lord’s chambers. He didn’t do that because he doesn’t care. He cares very deeply. He wanted Sansa to know that she is House Stark’s true representative. He doesn’t feel like he deserves that, hence the sadness in his voice as he says “I’m not a Stark.” He reiterates that Sansa is the Lady of Winterfell. Being the Lord or Lady (as opposed to “acting” Lord or Lady) means that Sansa has hereditary rights over Winterfell - something they both fought like hell to re-take.

Now I’m supposed to believe that the guy who didn’t even want a simple puppy before the other Starks, who fought like hell to re-take Winterfell, who tried to desert the Night’s Watch once and arguably did a second time to fight for the Starks, who very intentionally placed Sansa as the head of House Stark rather than himself, who then passed to her specifically ruling authority over the North while he was away - THAT GUY - is now supposed to think it’s fine and necessary and RIGHT to give ruling authority and his crown over to a woman before she ever even stepped foot in the North.  (The Gift, which is the territory along the Wall is owned by the Night’s Watch independent of the North. Even if you count the top of Eastwatch as Dany stepping foot up there, she’s still not in the political North)

All of this, too, without ever talking to a single person about the decision beforehand. 

That’s a Jon Snow I cannot root for or reconcile with the rest of his story. In my mind, it’s character assassination.

It would make me wonder what the point was of Jon Snow even coming back from the dead.

Thank you for the ask. Hope this answers your question sufficiently. You’re welcome to ask more anytime. 

[cards-onthetable]

An Elusive Computer Post

Y’all, 99.999% of the time, I exist on my phone and tablet. It’s very rare that I do any Fandom Stuff or social media on my laptop. But tonight, after This Episode, I had to break out the big guns. I need to be able to type as fast as my brain screams words. tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST AND I HATE IT. Hey I’ll do a fun little page break so you don’t have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t want to. How nice of me. 

Erin

OPENING SCENE AND ERIN’S ALREADY YELLING AT PEOPLE. COOL. 

JUST DON’T with this foster parent (allegedly) killing a foster child thing. Foster parents have enough of a negative perception as it is... a foster parent who “cracked” and killed a child in her care certainly won’t help. And I know this won’t turn into a well-done, thoughtful Discourse on the lack of support and resources for foster parents who are caring for children with complex needs. So I hate it. 

I’m so, so, so sad for this child.

Sidenote re: Sam saying “I’ve already got a mom” (explaining why he didn’t call his foster parent “mom”) - okay, BB, one actual sensitive portrayal here, thumbs up. 

Welp Erin’s boss is an asshole but so’s everyone else on this show. What else is new? 

And now Sam is locked out of his new foster home. Another nice tally in the Negative Portrayal column. This is disgusting. His appreciation for his previous foster parent is obvious (this kid’s a ten times better actor than fucking Will “Dead Face” Estes at this point) and I hate this entire concept. At least the show’s portrayal of the child in foster care himself is positive. 

Now Sam’s at Anthony’s house and this is off topic, but for half a second can we appreciate that Sam is also a bajillion times better at apologies than Jamie Reagan? Nice. 

If Anthony becomes Sam’s foster parent I will be SO ANNOYED. One, because I’m sure the show won’t even hint at an accurate process - it’ll be insta-parent, Anthony walks into some caseworker’s office and walks out with physical custody of a child (fun fact: it takes three months or longer to get licensed as a foster parent). Two, because it’s kind of another blow to the reputation of foster parents that this episode is painting - like the only suitable foster parent in a whole city of veteran, trained, experienced FPs is this newbie? This does not taste good. 

This is a cute scene. Rather than Anthony being Sam’s foster parent, how about he becomes his mentor? 

OH. NICE. EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT. “I’m going to sign the papers later today. I’m going to foster Sam myself.” Can we please get some follow-up on this, BB? Let’s please see Anthony trying to navigate the waters of parenting a teenager who likely has attachment-related diagnoses and other challenges. Is Anthony going to get trauma-informed care training? Or is he just going to wing it and hope that it’s all magical and swell? Does he have a sensitive, non-snarky bone in his body? I’m on the edge of my seat. (LOL @ Erin being the voice of reason here.)

OH. WHOA WHOA WHOA. “It’s not like I always wanted a son, but one came knocking and I answered the door.” Remember that line above where Sam reminded us that he has a mom? Do you understand why this line made me gag? There’s a fine line you walk as a foster parent, where you’re performing all the duties of parenting this child as if they’re your own - but you have to remember and be sensitive to the fact that they’re not. Kids in foster care are a package deal, yo, they come with a whole other family too. For teenagers this is an especially important Issue. 

This entire storyline was terrible. 0/10. 

Fat Shaming (Frank and co)

Poor Witten, you guys. That is awful and terrible and dangerous that her partner can’t even make it up 4 flights of stairs. “I’m here and you’re fine” - but what if she wasn’t? 

Did Sid Gormley just use the word “fat shaming” and argue that physical fitness does not affect a cop’s ability to do their job? 

Cops who are on the beat should be able to pass a fairly high standard for physical fitness. The end, basically.

Family dinner (tossed in here due to the topic of conversation): Seriously? Henry’s going to talk about it being discrimination to require cops to meet a physical fitness standard that is a pretty basic aspect of their ability to do their job? Nice. 

Oh, magical, Frank has come up with a Compromise that Makes Everybody Happy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. 

Danny

TBH I hardly noticed this storyline at all. I’m much too busy angrily scribbling all of the examples of Dismissive Jamie on my whiteboard. Oh well, win some lose some. 

Jamko

The way Jamie brushes Eddie off during this whole New Partner Discussion is gross. Refer to yesterday’s Two Pronged Complaint for the details. 

The Biggest Issues: Jamie minimizing Eddie’s experience on the job, and being too protective of her/failing to be an objective boss. Et cetera. 

“wHaT eLsE dOn’T I kNoW?” suck a dick, Jamie Reagan.  

Peep those obviously empty coffee cups that probably have a piece of dry ice at the bottom to make the “steam.” A+. 

I’m going to keep track of how many times “female empowerment” is said in this episode. I’ll keep you updated. 

So this “fraternal organization” that we’ve all been so stressed about Eddie joining is...basically a women’s intramural sports league? LOLOL so I’m super excited to watch Jamie sputter about how Joe died playing softball* and therefore Eddie shouldn’t join. 

LOOK AT EDDIE. She is legitimately excited about the idea of playing softball, dude. That smile is as much personality as we’ve gotten out of her all season. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH JAMIE “WET BLANKET” REAGAN SNUFF THAT RIGHT OUT. 

This ~date night~ situation is hilarious in a Young Childless Couple way. 

OH, so NOW Jamie’s interested in a legitimate conversation with Eddie, engaged and responding... with questions in a demanding, rude tone? I’m so annoyed at his whole handling of the Eddie’s-new-partner thing.

GOD why is everything a Female Empowerment Thing? Can’t women just... enjoy playing sports? 

OH HERE’S WHERE IT GETS FUN HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS 

BAD IDEA

YOU’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A REAGAN

THAT’S A NO-GO

NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING STUBBORN

“No, I’m being astonished that my fiancé is trying to tell me what I can and cannot do” SAME, EDDIE 

I’m so angry that the scene cuts off there. Did they just go about their stupid dinner date with this Tension floating palpably in the air between them? Did Eddie pull out an “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight” and stalk away in that red? satin? dress? ? I hope she poured his stupid ON TAP IPA (objectively the worst type of beer, btw) down his shirt and walked out. 

I AM SO SAD watching this scene of Eddie backing out of softball. 

“I’m not much of a joiner” is a DUMB RIDICULOUS LINE and Eddie says it TWICE, folks. 

Witten doesn’t bring up Jamie at all - I therefore assume she doesn’t know Eddie’s a Future Reagan (which is a whole other issue, but anyway.) . Witten thinks Eddie’s backing out so as to avoid associating with Witten. So I assume Witten’s intentions with the softball invite were totally pure. IMAGINE THAT! A woman who wants to be friends with another woman, one who she works with and respects and wants to get to know better! With no ulterior motive! Someone please hit Jamie Reagan in the nostril with a dart. 

I like Witten more and more. Can we replace all the Reagan storylines with Witten, Sam, and Old Eddie in dark jeans and a studded jacket?

A LAUNDROMAT? ONE: Shouldn’t Jamie, as A Reagan, have laundry in his building?* TWO: It he didn’t, why wouldn’t they do laundry for free at Frank’s house every week?*

I CAN SMELL THE TENSION and I am legitimately curious how they’ve coexisted between the date and now. How’s that working out, hmm - that “keeping work and home separate” thing? 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO, I ASKED” says Jamie. Shall we go back a few bullet points to when he told her it’s a “no-go”? 

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I NEED TO KNOW - Same, Eddie. Do I really need to reiterate how ridiculous this whole thing is - that they’re engaged without dating, and now finding out that maybe there’s a reason people date first, even if they’re best friends, because this is the kind of stuff you work out before you start shopping for your dress.

“Are we talking, or are we just talking smack?” SOME ACCUSATION from the dumbass who said ALL THE THINGS IN THOSE BULLETS UP ABOVE. 

Finally, for once, Eddie is voicing some real and legitimate concerns. Are we going to get any sort of resolution or mature adult discussion of these things? NOPE! 

Did he seriously just tell her to cut it out? I hate him so much. I hope somebody duct tapes him to the front of those washer/dryers and pulls out each individual eyebrow hair with tweezers. 

This laundromat scene just exemplifies so many of the issues I’ve been rage blogging about all damn season. Jamie ultimately brushing off Eddie’s concerns without ever giving her real answers. Not having the respect for her to even take her thoughts into account. Barking orders like he knows it all, and Eddie isn’t capable of making her own decisions. At least this time that’s the actual point of the scene rather than the nasty subtext. 

EDDIE AND DANNY SCENE: I’m actually surprised that this is the first time Joe has been mentioned. Watching the sneak peek I figured Jamie’s main argument against Eddie joining an organization would be that it’s what got his brother killed (being vague, obviously, since Eddie clearly didn’t know the details). Not that it’s improper As A Reagan. I hoped the context of the episode would make me feel a little better about this scene but it just feels even more out of place and poorly/choppily written. I like Eddie and Danny together - I’d like them to interact more. But this didn’t do it for me. Gotta meet that Joe Mention Quota* on the season, I guess. 

FINAL SCENE: in summary, FUCK THIS. 

Sidenote: When is someone going to get suspicious @ how often Eddie gets pulled into Sarge’s office? 

For the record, I anticipated an eye-rolly “Ohhkay, maybe I overreacted...” speech. 

WHAT WE GOT FELL BELOW EVEN THAT VERY LOW BAR. 

Jamie explains himself. Fine, he has a right to do that, and it’s constructive in helping Eddie understand the man she’s about to marry (god don’t even remind me). BUT HE DOES NOT ADMIT ANY WRONGDOING. 

THERE IS NO APOLOGY

THERE IS NO ADMISSION THAT HE MADE MISTAKES in how he spoke to her, ordered her around, and didn’t even stop for eight seconds to listen to what she had to say

THERE IS NOT EVEN THE VERY MINIMAL “I overreacted” type of acknowledgment. 

“So maybe if I forget sometimes, you can remind me” THIS IS GROSS TOO because it essentially puts the burden on Eddie to teach/remind Jamie how to HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND NOT BE AN ASS. He could AT LEAST take responsibility for his own improvement in the Future. 

Eddie said literally two words in this entire scene. There was no mutual understanding, no real agreement, no genuine Development in their relationship. 

THIS IS NOT A SATISFACTORY RESOLUTION TO THIS CONFLICT. 

This episode is called Rectify but NOTHING HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. 

ALSO, this seems like an awfully Personal conversation to be having in uniform, Sarge. Are they even trying anymore? 

HE JUST THREW A SOFTBALL GLOVE AT HER. Is that supposed to be... sweet? Touching? An admission of guilt/mistake/wrongdoing? TRY AGAIN, BB. NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

WELL. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re as disgruntled as I am. Seems like plenty of y’all were quite unhappy with this episode as well. I’m enjoying your tweets and sadness. I’ve been the queen of this club for almost a year now. Welcome, make yourselves comfortable, there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer. Just don’t sit on the far end of the couch. That’s my dog’s favorite spot. 

*These four hilarious lines were taken from two important Outside Sources. Thanks for your contribution, Outside Sources. 

[fourjokersandajudge]

Impractical Jokers, Season 1, Episode 3 "Unmotivational Speaker"

Liveblogging observations/opinions:

Still the old intro.  Still weird not seeing the one I’m more familiar with.

CHALLENGE ONE: DISASTER DATES

The guys are at a speed-dating event.  They have to do and say whatever the other guys tell them.  “If you refuse, you lose”

Joe’s turn - Immediately, Joe starts grilling his date with uncomfortable questions *ie, salary, weight, etc).  For his second date, he has to tell the woman that he’s in the “adult toy” business.  LOL!!!  Interestingly, the woman did not seem at all fazed by this - she nodded her head matter-of-factly. Then Joe has to be appear to be disinterested in what his date is saying.  Despite the best efforts of Sal, Murr, and Q to embarrass Joe, it just didn’t seem to work.  Joe gets a thumbs up.

Murr’s turn - He starts off by asking his date a pretty-much unending question.  She appears to be confused and waiting for him to finish his question before she answers.  Because she never responds, he accuses her in not participating in the date. For his second date, he mentions that his least favorite body part is his penis...for obvious reasons, she is very taken aback.  Her reaction is priceless.  LOL!  

Sal’s turn -  Just my opinion, Sal looks VERY attractive on this date - such a cute smile. Upon starting his first date, he immediately asks her if she wants to go to the bathroom to make out.  She looks surprised at his forwardness, but he continues to exude an obnoxious confidence.  Q tells him to act as politically incorrect as possible, which he does.  For his second date, he tells the woman that he suffers from a case of micro-penis.  Q tells him that he needs to say that he’s trying to find someone who’s a “good fit”. He struggles.  LOL @ Q reiterating that Sal needs to find a girl who’s a good fit for his “tiny schlong”.  LOL!!!!!!  Sal cannot do it (I almost feel sorry for him as he looks SO uncomfortable) and ends up getting the thumbs down.

Q’s turn - Joe tells Q that he needs to get caught staring at his first date’s “rack”. He calls himself out on it.  Murr tells him to do it again, which he does.  Then Sal has him do it a third time.  I get the feeling that Q enjoyed this challenge very much.  LOL  When his second date sits down, Q starts to tell her how gorgeous she is - and he emphasizes it by misspelling the word “gorgeous”.  He then asks the woman if she wants kids.  When she replies in the affirmative, he asks her if she wants kids right now.  LOL!  Then, the unthinkable happens - Q’s tooth falls out of his mouth and plops down on the table. Murr and Joe find the situation hiliarious and Sal just about loses his s**t when it happens (he appears to ALMOST fall down laughing).  They laugh it off after which the guys tell him to pretend to be a pirate.  His pirate impersonation is dead-on and VERY funny - in a way, I think that he looks a bit like Popeye!  He gets a thumbs up.

LOSER - SAL

As the guys are berating Sal regarding telling his date about his micro-penis, Joe uses some Italian slang to refer to Sal’s “unit”. I love it when he does that.

During the transition between the first two challenges, just after Sal’s penis size gets made fun of, there is a quick shot of a bunch of hot dogs.  So appropriate and funny!  LOL

CHALLENGE TWO:  TERRIBLE TAROTS

the guys are back on the boardwalk of the Jersey shore posing as tarot card readers.  They are all wearing ridiculous tie-dyed t-shirts.  LOL!   They have to do and say whatever the other guys tell them.  “If you refuse, you lose.”

Sal’s turn - A couple agrees to a tarot reading with the boyfriend sitting down in the chair.  Sal accuses the girlfriend of cheating on her man with someone named “Frank” which she immediately rejects.   Sal looks visibly uncomfortable with the situation.  Then he tells them that they will soon be faced with a choice and that they should “keep the kid”.  When the couple tells Sal that they’re actually out searching for their lost pet gecko, Sal makes a funny, quick reference about saving a bunch of money on his car insurance. HA HA!!!  For his second “client”, Sal uses crystals to tell her that someone is going “to lose their virginity tonight”.   She denies it being her, and the guys try to get Sal to say something to her about there having already been a “deposit in that bank” which he clearly does not want to say.  After some uncomfortable fidgeting and giggling, Sal gets a thumbs down.

Q’s turn - Q tells his first mark that he predicts a cruise in her future because he is seeing a lot of seamen (semen).  LOL!!!  He adorably cringes just after he makes his semen joke.  Q’s second “client” is an older man named Herb.  Q tells him that he’s going to get lucky tonight which Herb appears to be happy about.  Q asks him if everything still works down there.  He gets a thumbs up.

Joe’s turn - Joe starts a tarot reading for his mark, but instead gives predictions for himself.  By the end of the turn, it’s almost as if his mark is giving Joe the reading instead of the other way around.  Joe gets a thumbs up.

Murr’s turn - Murr tells his first mark that she’s going to eventually have three kids, but that she won’t know the identity of two of the fathers.  I love his giggling delivery of the prediction.  LOL  The female mark appears to be quite amused.  Then Murr has to tell her that the father that she WILL know, is her first cousin (“this is the first cousin card”...LOL).  Murr tells his second “client” that he has news from the afterlife - that Frank says “What’s up?”.  When asked if she knew Frank, she replies that she thought that he was just in the hospital after having had a heart attack.  Joe tells Murr that he has to say that Frank is a goner and that she should be receiving a phone call any minute.  Murr really struggles briefly with whether or not he should say it.  .  Because he decides to do it, he gets a thumbs up.

LOSER - SAL

I LOL’d at Sal getting frightened by the seagulls almost divebombing him

CHALLENGE THREE:  BULLHORN ARTISTS (JOKER VS JOKER)

For this challenge, they go to one of the parks in NYC.  One of the guys has to walk around the park with a bullhorn positioned up in front of their mouth.  The other three guys actually say that the things that are being amplified.  If the guy who has the megaphone pulls it down away from his mouth or turns it off, he loses.

This is the first Joker vs Joker challenge.  To figure out who will participate, Q removes his newsie cap and pulls two names out of it.  It happens to be Murr and Joe.  Joe’s prechallenge smacktalking towards Murr is hilarious!!!  (Murr:  “Wait...why am I a jerk!?”)  Another note...I just adore the way Q looks in that hat!

Joe’s turn - Q starts things off by making Joe sound  like he’s trying to buy a passerby’s son.  Joe calls Q a dick.  LOL!!  Sal takes over and tries to make Joe pull his pants down.  Joe refuses - pointing out that the challenge is not to stop using the bullhorn, not pulling down ones pants.

Murr’s turn - Murr is visibly nervous about his upcoming turn.  Q grabs the microphone and makes Murr appear to say anti-American insults with a pronounced foreign accent.  Q’s accent his hilarious!  LOL!  Sal laughs at Q’s dialog.   After a man asks for directions to the restroom, he is advised that the toilets are “up your ass and make a left”...to which the inquiring man tries to pull the megaphone down away from his mouth and flips him off as he’s walking away from Murr.   That’s the first mention of this IJ staple gem of a line.  :)  Sal takes over the microphone and proceeds to say that “everyone in this park can suck my....” to which Murr pulls the megaphone down before Sal can finish his sentence.

LOSER-MURR

The post loss razzing of Murr and the interactions between the four guys are almost too much for me.  So fun to watch!

The scorecard screen that they are using for these earlier episodes looks very different to the one I’m more familiar with.  And the goofy doodles on the guys faces are kind of dumb, if you ask me.

CHALLENGE FOUR: WAY TOO PERSONAL SHOPPERS

The guys are at NuCare pharmacy doing shopping.  They have baskets full of embarrassing items that they’ve picked out for each other.  They each have to approach a stranger, take out a product from the basket, and do and say whatever they are told. “If you refuse, you lose.”

What the heck does “The Rev” mean on Sal’s t-shirt?  I’m pretty sure that this is before Sal became an ordained minister.

Q’s turn - He has to pull anti-diarrheal medication from the basket.  He has to walk up to a strange lady and ask her if she’s ever used it.  After an awkward conversation about eating bad Mexican food, Q has to grab his backside and say “Uh oh!” and ask a nearby customer to open the box of medicine for him.  “There’s gonna be a situation.”   HA HA!  After she opens it, he tells her that she can just pour it directly into his mouth.  I love it when Joe tells Q that he needs to take his medicine and Q reacts by making a gesture and throwing the little medicine cup at the camera.  Q once again tries to get the lady to pour the medicine in his mouth, but she refuses.  “I’m not giving it to you.  You have a hand.”  LOL!!!  He grabs the bottle and puts it to his lips to which the mark quickly walks away from him.  I love his smirk as he removes the bottle from it’s position in front of his mouth.

Joe’s turn - Joe is told to remove a hair removal product from the basket.   He approaches a stranger and asks him if it’s enough to remove all of the hair from every inch of his body.  Then Murr tells Joe that he has to ask the man what he uses to remove the hair off of HIS body.

I don’t know why I find it so interesting to see actual earpieces that the guys use inside of their ears, but I do.  There are some very clear shots of the piece in Joe’s ear during this challenge.

Sal’s turn - Sal is immediately told to follow an attractive lady in the store.  Q tells him to take a flea collar out of the basket.  He is told to ask her if she knows if it works on humans.  She is shocked at his question and says that she has no idea.  Sal tells her that he has ticks.  Joe makes Sal tell an awkward story about how he contracted the ticks by stalking his neighbor.  Sal gives an adorable grin to the camera as the thumbs up pops up on the screen.

Murr’s turn - Murr is told to remove the douche from the basket.  He approaches a man and tells him that his friends call him a douche and that he doesn’t know what it is.  He tells that man that he is going to buy the douche so that he can find out what it is.   The man proceeds to tell him that he doesn’t want to buy it and then tells Murr what a douche is.  After finding out what it is, Murr says that he’s still unsure why his friends call him that and asks the man what happens if douche is not used.  The man says, “Hell if I know.  I like a dirty p***y.”

LOSER-NONE

As the four are discussing their victories, they are sitting in a circle on walkers.  LOL!!!!

EPISODE LOSER - SAL

Punishment time - Sal is brought to a real estate company and has to give a motivational speech to some of their brokers.  Murr, Joe, and Q have prepared a presentation that Sal has to deliver.

The presentation starts with a slide that has the appearance of two unicorns humping in front of a rainbow.  Some zingers from the speech:    “I used to be attracted to my first cousin.”  “I used to be afraid of minorities.”  Another high point is a very specific daily schedule in which Sal tells the listeners when he poops and masturbates.  LOL!!!  He is very visibly embarrassed - and rightfully so.

Number of belly laughs:  7

My personal rating - 5 (out of 10)