#(( Me and the pups wish you a good recovery from this emotional fall ))

[diy-fire-water-pups]

Hey pups, I lost my mother a few days ago, can you say something they might make me happy please

First of all, we're sorry it took us some time to get to your ask. We get a lot of them and try our best to answer as much as we can.

Secondly... I know more or less how you feel. Long ago, when I was still a small puppy, I had my mother taken away from me and I had to run away. I never got to know if she's alive or not... Never heard anything, never got any clue to what happened to her after that.

Sometimes I think I'm forgetting what she looked or sounded like... And it scares me. But then I remember that, even if she goes away from my memories, the affection and care I know she had for me and my siblings, that will never go away. It stays with me forever and I get to keep living. I just hope to make her proud of the pup I'm becoming, wherever she may be right now.

I know that's what she wanted for me, to have a good life, to make friends, maybe even have a good owner... And I got the best owner a pup can ever dream of having, am I right? It may hurt a lot right now, but it's good, it means you love and care about her. This way, she will always be with you and you get to keep going.

[carynsilver]

Favorite Stucky Fics

Reading has been a big solace to me during this time of sheltering in place, both novels and fanfic. I wanted to put a little positivity out there for some of my favorite fanfic writers as a way of saying thanks for providing some of the stories that have been brightening my days.

Today, I specifically want to give some love to my favorite Stucky fics. There is just something about Bucky and Steve’s contrasting personalities and their “to the end of the line” friendship turning into something more that is compelling every time, and I love it. I have read many, but these are my absolute favorites--the ones I go back to time and again.

Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail by owlet.

Normally, amnesia/memory loss in a love story is one of my nope tropes, so the majority of my Stucky reading veers toward AUs. However, I saw a Tumblr post about this one, and I was hooked by the first chapter. Barnes is a compelling narrator as he figures out how to piece himself back together over the course of this series. It treats his recovery with so much care, and yet Barnes is also a hilarious and grumpy dude that it is fun to read about. There is a touch of unreliable narrator, which is a favorite trope of mine, but even when Barnes doesn’t quite understand what’s going on, he still gets to the heart of a situation in a satisfying way. This is now my preferred head cannon for post CA:tWS.

I just met you (and this is crazy) by @littlesystems

This was the fic that really hooked me on Stucky for the first time. I tended to avoid Stucky due to my nope trope on amnesia, but a Harringrove fic writer I loved recommended this so I tried it. Modern Bucky pulled me in and I fell into Shrunkyclunks, which then got me into Stucky in general. I love how modern Bucky can compliment cannon Steve, and in this fic, his personality is so pre-WWII Bucky that it’s perfect. Adding in Steve 1000% Rogers and some unexpected Tony heart are great additions. Faking dating is another favorite trope of mine, and while this fic isn’t classic fake dating, it skirts the edge in a really fun way.

Prince Charming by Brenda

Brenda writes awesome modern Stucky AUs, but Prince Charming is the best. The concept of someone who sets their exes up with their best friends is fun, and Bucky’s character growth as he navigates being bisexual for the first time is powerful. The supporting cast is great. I love the mix of Howlies and Avengers in his life, and Cap and Winter the pups are perfect. Also, there is something really compelling about both the tattoo shop setting in general and his specialty in tattooing scar tissue. And if you like this one, check out Off the Record and Lessons in Chemistry by Brenda, too.

Sweater Weather by @odette-and-odile

Another Shrunkyclunks, this one centering around holidays and important events. It starts with a misunderstanding in which Bucky doesn’t recognize Steve as Captain America, and it just gets better and better. There is real character growth in both of characters over the course of the series, the Avengers and the Barnes family get really fleshed out, and there is tons of humor as well.

food for thot by @deisderium

This fic introduced me to a new favorite trope--dragons living as humans who treasure a person. And then Deisderium turned the human into a vampire for good measure. The supernatural elements of this world feel so natural, and the dragon world is especially fleshed out in the most recent installment. Deisderium has a way with story-appropriate turns of phrases and writes thirst and pining like a master (check out deep dive and the one less traveled for more of that).

 Fan the Flame by Avaaricious

As you can tell, I am partial to modern AUs and Shrunkyclunk stories. This one started off with a funny “meet ugly” concept--swiping right on Tinder by mistake--but it has become one of the most well fleshed out, character oriented stories I’ve ever read. Bucky’s emotional IQ in this story is through the roof, and it touches on issues like PTSD with tact and grace. The chapter about Bucky’s no good very bad day made me teary. Also, this representation of the Barnes family as a whole is the best one I’ve ever read. Fair warning, this is the only one on my all time faves list that is still a WIP, but it’s worth it and chapters come out semi-regularly.

Slide to Answer by relenafanel

There should be more wrong number meet cutes in the world. I love Steve the relationship/dating guy accidentally misdialing Bucky the one night stand guy. And the sequel with Bucky fumbling through his first Christmas in a relationship makes the series.

Red Velvet (a.k.a. Sugar Sweet) by @colorcoated01

I’m not sure why I even started this one, because Daddy kink is not really my thing, but this story is so good that does not even matter. Steve is gorgeous, caring, and basically too good to be true, but what really makes this story is Bucky. He’s sweet, funny, and full of heart, but his youth makes him an unreliable narrator in ways both hilarious and delightful. If the summer vacation sequel to this series ever shows up, I will be so excited!

Not Easily Conquered by dropdeaddream and What Are Fears

In this AU, Steve survives the plane crash, lives to marry Peggy, and then, in the 1960s, a set of never-sent letters from Bucky to Steve during the war come out for public consumption, turning everyone’s life upside-down. This is a new one to my list of faves, but man, it was a gut punch in the best way. Here is the best quote: So how long have I loved you for? Womb to tomb, sweetheart. Since before I was even here at all.

If Wishing Made It So by leveragehunters (Monkeygreen)

I knew that my favorite Stucky fics list would not be complete without something from leveragehunters. This writer’s world creation skills are absolutely incredible. So many of these fics, I’d read and think, “This world is so good, so compelling, that I’d read it without the Marvel characters.” Amazing stuff, seriously! And the way she uses the familiar Marvel characters only enhances the worlds she’s created (and the ones she’s borrowed, too). I love so many of these, I was really torn on which one to put on the list, as there are many I revisit. Finally, I decided on If Wishing Made It So because I wanted one Shrinkyclinks story on my list, and this is a great one. The Winter Soldier as genie works so well, and pairing him with Skinny!Steve was even better. The way she weaves consent issues into the mix is compelling, and their adventures draw you in from the get go. And the all-powerful genie trying in vain to protect the guy who doesn’t want to be protected or healed is a great dichotomy. And if you want other Shrinkyclinks, you can’t go wrong with Chase This Light (dragon trope!) or And Shadows Fall Behind. And, if I hadn’t decided to go Shrinkyclinks on this entry, leveragehunter’s Werewolf? There Wolf AU would totally have been on the list instead.

[thefightingbull]

Bonking Heads

Mick gets a call about his pup that sends him racing to the hospital.  No triggers

"He was unconscious when I found him"

Mick usually ignored phone calls at the shop. They distracted him from his work and distracted welders were dangerous. He had too much to live for to allow the flames to take any more lives. He wanted to be there for Leonard and Lisa, but the truth was, there were times when they weren’t always enough to keep those urges at bay.

Jason, his pup, had become the strongest reason he’d ever known for trying to be better. Mick’s little boy inspired him to tame the flames, to keep them at bay so that Jason would never know the painful intimacy of a yellow and orange flare’s kiss.

“Boss!” Mardon shouted. “It’s for you!”

“Tell ‘em to fuck off,” Mick growled.

“It’s your pup’s guidance counselor!” Mardon said after a minute.

Mick’s heart stopped as he carefully turned off the welder and got to his feet. Mardon was beside him in an instant. Mick took the phone.

“What is it? What happened to my pup?”

“There’s been an accident. Jason ...”

Mick’s hearing seemed to fade out, but then it sharpened and he listened carefully before saying, “You tell him I’m on my way, got it? You make sure he knows his Pop will be there soon.”

He had to keep his cool. He had to. Jason needed him to be in control of himself, and there was no way Mick was failing his pup.

“Of course, Mr. Rory.”

He hung up and handed the phone back to Mardon. “Call Len and tell him our son is in the hospital.”

Mick ran to the locker rooms and changed out of his coveralls and PPE. He was grabbing his keys and wallet when Mardon came rushing in. “Leonard just got the call, too. Lisa said she’s giving him a ride to the hospital now. You need me to drive you, Boss?”

“No!” Mick barked as he headed out.

When Mick finally reached the hospital, he saw Len and Lisa parking. He wasn’t going to wait. He didn’t want Leonard to be the first to hear if doctors only had bad news for them. He moved with a powerful fury building in his chest. If someone had hurt their pup they were going to be ripped to shreds. 

“Mr. Rory!” A small omega man approached him hurriedly. “I’m Mr. Roberts, Jason’s guidance counselor.” 

Mick stopped, looking the small man over. Mr. Roberts was only a couple inches over five feet with short, dark red hair and dark brown eyes. There was a quiet confidence to Mr. Roberts that hinted he was well taken care of and indulged by his alpha. 

“Where’s my pup, what happened to him?” Mick demanded. 

“They took him for a CT scan but he should be back momentarily, Mr. Rory.” 

“So what happened?” 

The guidance counselor cleared his throat and then began, “We aren’t certain what the boys were doing, but a few students said something about racing and a few others said it was a fight. They apparently fell from the jungle gym and collided on the way down. One of the recess attendants said they didn’t see the fall, but when she got to the boys they were both ‘waking up’. Knowing that, she had us call for an ambulance.” 

Mick felt his fists tighten as he gritted his teeth to keep his calm. “So they were unconscious?”

“Yes, which is when we called both you and your omega,” Mr. Roberts said with a nervous look in his eyes. “We never take chances with head injuries. The principal and vice principal were taking statements from the children involved in the race to find out exactly what happened, but based on what we’ve heard so far, it does sound like it was an accident.” 

Mick snorted. It sounded angry, but all he could feel was relief. “So you’re saying no one did this to my pup.” 

“That’s correct, Sir,” Mr. Roberts answered. 

“You make sure you lead with that when you talk to my mate and sister, understand? Lead with that and be very clear or Len’s going to want blood,” Mick warned before he dismissed the omega by turning to speak with a beta nurse who’d just approached him. 

“You’re Jason Rory’s father?” she asked. 

“Yes, his father and aunt are coming up the parking lot now, but we don’t have to wait,” Mick said, hoping she’d get moving before Lenny came in. He needed to know how to protect his mate and if he was seeing and hearing everything at the same time, he couldn’t support his omega properly. 

“Right this way, Sir,” she nodded and brought him through a pair of doors and back to a small room that should hold two beds.  

In the only present bed was a blond little boy. Beside him stood a man and woman staring down at their own son with worry. Anger was visible in the man, but like Mick, he appeared just as lost on what to do with it. He must have heard the same “it was all just an accident” story and was left with excess emotion. 

Not good for alphas. 

“They’re bringing your son back from CT and should be here in a few minutes,” the nurse promised. 

“I better go make sure my mate doesn’t kill anyone,” Mick decided since his boy wasn’t in the room yet. 

>

>

Jason huffed irritably in his bed as he was brought back to his and Gordan’s triage room. He listened to the guidance counselor talk to Gordie Lambert’s mom and dad. He couldn’t believe all the fuss being made over them bonking heads and falling down the jungle gym. Jason had only blacked out for a few seconds; he heard the doctors say so!

“Oh, Gordie!” A tall brunette with pretty brown eyes cried as she hugged Gordie tightly. Obviously that was Gordie’s mom. “I was so worried about you!”

Jason couldn’t help but snicker at Gordie trying to get away from his mom. The little boy with blond hair and dark brown freckles was squirming and struggling to push his mother off him. When Gordie heard him laughing, he sent a scowl Jason’s way.

“Dear, you’re embarrassing him,” Gordie’s dad, a blond-haired, blue-eyed man, insisted. “He’s fine, aren’t you, champ?”

Gordie nodded. “I wasn’t asleep. Mr. Roberts doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Mr Roberst rolled his eyes. “We had several witnesses, Gordie, you and Jason were both unconscious,” the guidance counselor insisted. “Anyhow, now that your parents have arrived, we wish you a speedy recovery and look forward to seeing you both in school when you’re cleared to return. Mr and Mrs. Lambert,” he moved to shake hands with the omega woman, but only nodded at her alpha.

Oh man, Jason almost felt bad for Gordie as he watched him get smothered and scented by his mother. He couldn’t quite make out the woman’s scent, but if the husband’s face was anything to go by, it must have been strong. Mr. Lambert kept trying to console his wife, but she wouldn’t let go of Gordie.

Jason stuck his tongue out at Gordie the instant their eyes met. They weren’t enemies, but they were rivals and they’d been trying to race and defeat each other when they got hurt.

They started with the race out on the black top by the four square lines. From there, they had to make it across the tops of the uneven bars, over the monkey bars, a big jump to the metal jungle gym’s top, and then they had to make their way down the fastest. All while trying to knock each other off balance or slow each other down.

Though they had both slipped and nearly knocked each other down on a few of the obstacles, it wasn’t until they made it inside the long cylindrical jungle gym that things got intense. After Jason tried to loosen Gordie’s grip, he accidently caught hold of Jason’s wrist instead of one of the bars. They both tumbled to the bottom, hitting their heads together on the way down.

“Those damned jungle gyms are dangerous, Howard!” Mrs. Lambert cried, squeezing her son.

“Jason? Jason!”

All the joy he’d felt at the sight of Gordie’s humiliation came crashing to an end as his dads both came running into the room. He felt strong, wiry arms take hold of him gently and yet impatiently. Jason immediately struggled, drawing Gordie’s laughter.

“Dad! Stop it,” Jason growled trying to keep his dad from clinging to and embarrassing him in front of Gordie and the Lamberts. “I’m fine, really!”

“What happened, Jason?” Mick all but shouted.

He flinched at his alpha’s question and, in doing so, gave Leonard all the chance he needed to get a good hold on Jason. Without even looking, Jason knew his Pop had intimidated the whole damned room. Gordie’s mom and dad were alpha and omega, but Mr. Lambert seemed a bit soft for most alphas. Either that or Jason’s alpha was just plain scary no matter who the other alphas were in the room. Leonard was ignoring Jason’s protesting wiggles entirely, holding him close and scenting him.

“Our sons were playing with one another,” Mr. Lambert explained. “From what Mr. Roberts told us, they fell down a jungle gym and knocked themselves unconscious.”

“How long?” Leonard demanded, his icy blue eyes boring straight into Jason’s soul.

“Like one second, Dad, I swear!” Jason did his best to ignore Gordie’s snort.

“I want to hear what the results of the CT were, I’m getting a doctor,” Mick announced and before Jason could call him back, the big alpha had disappeared.

“Damn it, Dad, please, this is embarrassing,” he begged through gritted teeth.

Finally, Leonard decided to take pity on him and let him go. “What were you two doing?”

“We were just racing, honest!” Jason insisted and immediately regretted his choice of words.

Aunt Lisa had warned him weeks ago that adding ‘honest’ to his assertions was his tell and that both Daddy and Pops were more than aware of it.

“Jason Leonard Rory, you better rethink that answer if you don’t want to be grounded for lying,” his dad said sternly.

He blushed under the scrutiny of his father’s gaze, but also because Gordie was now sticking his own tongue out at Jason.

“We were racing,” Jason began. “But we may also have been trying to knock each other down from the obstacles.”

“You what!” Mrs. Lambert gasped behind them as she glared at her own son.

“Wait.”  Leonard closed his eyes and shook his head. “Let me get this straight. You two were racing atop the monkey bars and jungle gym while trying to knock each other off the equipment?”

With a big swallow, Jason nodded. “Yes.”

“Jason, do you know how incredibly stupid and dangerous that is?” Leonard demanded.

Raising a brow at his dad, Jason pointedly looked around him and nodded. “Well, now, yeah.”

“Watch the lip with your father, Pup,” Mick snarled as he and the doctor walked in. “Babe, the doctor has Jason’s results.”

The doctor was a woman with long black hair wrapped in braids with skin almost as dark as chocolate. She offered a pretty smile to Jason’s dads and pulled out two small packets. One she handed to Dad and the other she reached out to hand to Mrs. Lambert.

She must have been Alpha since she knew which parents were the omegas. Jason looked up at parents, trying to gauge whether or not he was in trouble and if so, how much? Was he grounded? It was just a game. And now they knew how dangerous it was, Jason wasn’t as likely to do it again.

Probably.

“Both of your boys will be fine. They each suffered a grade three concussion since they did technically lose consciousness. Because of this we did a CT scan on them both and found nothing alarming. In those packets are instructions for taking care of them and, of course, anything you need to look out for. The most concerning will be vomiting, dizziness, difficulty focusing, or slurred speech; please bring them to the ER immediately if they experience those symptoms.”

“Can we leave yet?” Gordie asked.

The doctor laughed softly and nodded. “I think the administrators will be back with some paperwork, but after that, yes. You are all free to leave.”

“Thanks, Doc,” Mick said with genuine relief.

Jason was glad when the whole group got to leave, though he wasn’t thrilled that Gordie and his parents were parked in the same parking lot. He made faces at his classmate while Gordie merely rolled his eyes and then hissed in pain. Jason giggled until he felt Mick pinch his shoulder.

“Knock it off, Pup,” his alpha warned irritably.

Before Jason could even pout, a flash of red and yellow scooped him up. “I just heard, are you alright?” The Flash asked.

“Whoa!” Gordie cried out as the Lamberts all stopped and stared.

“Is he alright?” Flash asked, stepping them both closer to Leonard and Mick.

“Yeah, Scarlet,” Dad said. “He suffered a grade three concussion, though, so there are things we need to look out for.”

“Not to mention restrictions for the next few days just to be safe,” Mick added.  

Jason had noticed that his parents had taken a strong liking to the Flash recently, which really, was kind of cool. How many kids got to say that their dads were dating a real-life superhero? Then again, how many kids’ parents were also in a group that fought against that same superhero?

He doubted there were many.

“I’m okay, Flash. Me and Gordie just bonked our heads,” Jason assured him since his dads were far too focused on him having a concussion.

“And fell down a jungle gym,” Mrs. Lambert supplied.

Jason and Gordie both exchanged looks of exasperation. Their omega parents seemed dead set on ruining their reputations with their alphas and the Flash.

“Both of you? I hope you guys weren’t fighting?” Flash frowned.

“Not to the death or anything,” Gordie insisted. “But we’re rivals. We were trying to defeat each other.”

“Yeah!” Jason exclaimed. “Just like you and my dads!”

“Jason!”

Flash’s face turned red as Mick and Leonard both snapped off Jason’s name. He ducked his head. Sometimes he forgot that was all supposed to be a secret.

“Well, uh, Gordie, it was nice to meet you. Stay safe during recess, okay?” Flash called over to Gordie. 

The Lamberts waved and headed to their vehicle; Jason could see Gordie soaking in the sight. That’s right! Jason was being held and cuddled by Central City’s own Flash. Really, this had to mean Jason won. At least for today.

“Wanna go to the lab and see Cisco and Caitlyn?” Flash asked, but really Jason knew he wasn’t asking him. 

“I don’t know,” Leonard said with a frown. “Should he be zooming around at those speeds after suffering a concussion? This paperwork says he needs to be resting. No TV, no running around.”

“Aww, come on, Dad! I feel perfectly fine!” Jason scowled at Leonard, but quickly “dropped the attitude” when Mick issued a warning growl. “Please?”

“Pretty sure the speed-force thing protects whoever the Kid’s running with,” Mick said softly. “Scarlet won’t let anything happen to our pup. Besides, you know he wants Dr. Snow to get another look. Just in case.”

Jason’s eyes widened. “Hey, whoa! I already had to hold still in a giant donut! I don’t need another brain picture!”

He hated holding still! It was torture! He tried to get out of Flash’s grip, but his Dad must have said something he missed because Flash responded with, “We’ll see you guys soon!”

And then they were off in a flash.

[we-hear-her]

Angela’s Story

**Disclaimer: This post discusses miscarraige in great detail. Those who are sensitive to this subject are advised!

“When bad things happen, it feels a lot like watching a wildfire sweep through a beautiful landscape. At first all I could see was destruction. The life we had worked so hard to build was being demolished before my eyes could process what was happening. How could this happen to me? But then something changed. I started to see the beauty in that wildfire – I started seeing the potential. Fire invigorates and nourishes the land. Likewise, the tragedy of losing a child has proved that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I emerged from the flames with a new perspective on my life.” -Angela

When I first met Angela we were at a climbing gym in Philadelphia. I could tell instantly that she was a good and kind person. At the time Angela was working a 9-5 job and had just started dating her now husband. A couple weeks ago, I noticed Angela had posted a very personal story on her Facebook page and when I saw what she wrote, I knew her story needed to be shared.

Not long after I met them, Angela and her husband eventually got sick of the city life, sitting in traffic and working 60+ hrs a week to make a paycheck. They had a dream about traveling in a van and made that happen. They got married and eventually started thinking about starting a family.

         “When my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were thrilled, nervous, excited and a little surprised (we only actually “tried��� once!).”

       As they live in a van, they thought they would have more time before welcoming a little one into the world, time they would use to find a place to settle down. They realized they were against the clock so they started bee-lining across the states to find a place to call home for their growing family.

      At 8 weeks pregnant, Angela and her husband were in Bend, Oregon. They had hoped to find a home in Bend but to no avail. They decided before they left Bend they would head to the clinic that offered free, first trimester ultrasounds since they did not have health insurance yet. Everyone, including the doctors and staff at the clinic were thrilled for them.

       “We went back for the Ultrasound and got the news: the baby was surely in there, but was only measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days gestational age. At this point I knew something was very wrong. My body runs like clockwork, and I am meticulous about keeping track of my cycle – down to when I ovulate and when we have sex. I knew the baby should be bigger. They told us that the heart rate was very slow at only 69 BPM.”

       The doctors at the clinic urged them to go to urgent care as the mood quickly changed from excitement to dread. Angela’s would not carry to term. At urgent care, the doctors explained that they had the choice to medically terminate or that her body would naturally miscarry. Little did they know what that would really mean emotionally and physically. Since they had no insurance and the procedure was very costly, they chose to let nature take its course and move on.

       They decided to continue on their 13 hour tearful journey to their next destination, Jackson, Wyoming. They spent days grieving, communicating with each other, and doing as much research on the subject as they could. The internet provided little information and as Angela lost the symptoms she felt being pregnant, she thought things were resolving themselves and that it would happen sooner rather than later. But 2 weeks went by, and they questioned whether the doctors read the ultrasound incorrectly.

**Angela describes the symptoms of her miscarriage in great detail at this point. Please move to the end if this is a sensitive topic for you.**

       “Eventually I started cramping and passed some clots (this is where it starts to get really graphic). The cramps came and went with some light spotting. A few days later I started bleeding like a normal period, with accompanying cramps like a normal period. This continued for a full day before it got real. I thought that might be all it was, considering that the baby was only the size of a pea. Maybe it would be like a heavy period.

          We went to bed around midnight after having dinner with some friends. My cramping had gotten a bit worse, but I was prepared for that. I woke up 2 hours later feeling sick to my stomach, shaky and in tremendous pain. Joe got up to take the dogs out, and when he came back in I fainted in the bed. When I came around, I thought I was going to vomit and I was beginning to bleed heavily. We went to the ER, got checked in, and I began vomiting, and passing large blood clots in between contractions. They drew blood, gave me an IV of fluid and gave me some pain meds (which did nothing for the type of pain I was experiencing). I must commend the doctor and nurses who took care of me for being so gentle and compassionate. They shared their own stories of miscarriage and did their best to make me comfortable. I am grateful for the care they provided.

We left the hospital at around 5:30am and checked into a hotel because I was still having contractions that lasted for about 1 minute and were about 3-5 minutes apart. By the time we got inside the hotel room the contractions had gotten much more intense. I needed help getting to and from the bathroom from bed. When I sat on the toilet, it sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t. There was blood pouring out of me, followed by a golf ball sized blood clot. This happened for another 8 hours – during which I was also evacuating in every other way. We almost went back to the ER because of the amount of blood I was passing.

I had pretty constant extreme cramping for the following 2 hours before we got a 20 minute break when we could finally fall asleep. I woke up in a pool of blood writhing in pain. I passed more clots, and finally sometime in the afternoon I passed a few more and the cramping finally eased. It came and went for the next few hours until it finally subsided. At some point during this 14 hours of misery, I had to send Joe to the store to get diapers because I just couldn’t sit on the toilet anymore, and a diaper was the only way I would be able to lay down without ruining all of my clothes. Eventually, the bleeding diminished to that of a normal period, and I could eat some Ritz crackers and ice cream.

Why don’t we talk about this, ladies? Personally, I wish I had known what could happen. If it ended up just being like a heavy menstrual cycle I would have considered myself lucky, and still clueless to the pain of other women. The physical experience blindsided me. I felt very alone (despite my extremely supportive husband, who didn’t leave my side). I didn’t feel the sisterhood backing me up. I didn’t know if I could withstand any more. At one point I was begging God to please make it stop (that’s when I got my 20 minute nap)."

There was a point during this ordeal when I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever want to try to get pregnant again. I don’t think all miscarriages are as physically traumatic as mine felt.  Reading about it on the Internet makes it sound like a lot of women basically get a heavy period and move on, go to work the next day like nothing happened. Is there a secret macho ladies club that I don’t know about? Did I get sandbagged? Am I just a huge wimp?”

I definitely don't think you are a wimp! I can't imagine going through what you have described. I think everyone’s body reacts differently. And you're totally right, why aren't we sharing this with each other? Why aren't we creating a circle of openness and understanding?

       In light of everything going on with women’s health and access to safe medical procedures, what are your thoughts having being touched by this experience?

“I believe that all women have a right to reproductive health care - in my case any affordable health care would have been a game changer - I ended up with $5,000 in medical bills from the emergency room visit. Women’s health is so widely debated by politicians these days, who have no right to be part of that conversation, and shouldn’t decide the fate of our bodies.”

“We deserve better.”

        What keeps you moving every day? What coping techniques have you used, if any, to help aid in your recovery mentally, emotionally and physically?

      “My husband has been really great at motivating me to keep going. Also being in the mountains, in a peaceful and beautiful place helps. Patience with myself has been key to physically recovering - not pushing myself too hard, and allowing myself to rest when I need it. Mentally and emotionally I have been trying to let myself feel the emotions and thoughts about my loss, and then let them go or turn it into a positive. I also keep reminding myself that I carry my baby with me in my heart always, and that is comforting.”

       So what now? What are you guys up to?

      "I am actually bar tending at a small steak house in Wyoming. My husband and I are living the simple life, taking things one day at a time, enjoying every moment. We get to wake up every day and climb, hike, bike, fish and play with our pups!"

      Do you guys have some goals for the future? Have you changed your plans after your ordeal?

      "Our goals for the near future include buying a house, having a baby, and settling into small town life with some chickens and goats in the mountains."

     That sounds amazing, so one last thing. Do you have any advice for other mothers who have miscarried and lost their babies?

“Don’t suffer alone. Lean on the people around you. Find gratitude in the things you gain and the things you learn from your loss - there is always something positive that you can hold on to, even in the darkest times. I just hope that maybe reading my story would help another woman prepare herself. I read so many stories during the two weeks that I waited to miscarry. Not one gave me a sense of the physical pain I would endure.”

A HUGE thank you again to Angela for sharing this incredibly personal story with us!