#(( CW FOR A BRIEF MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEALIZATION ))

[crayonverse]

details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)

michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .

lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .

after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .

just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .

ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .

he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .

when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .

slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .

the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .

michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .

not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .

ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .

bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .

michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .

basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .

he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .

i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .

ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .

theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .

another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .

pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .

michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .

he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .

i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .

the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.

[mjrdm]

I've saved an inbox ask as a draft (worst mistake of my life) and Tumblr ate it up like a starving victorian child😭 It was about Baron and Jenkins . obviously by beloved @kind-of-a-shitty-wizard🤭

I will try to be brief (1/435) /ref

I like how tooth-rotting sweet they are but ALSO they're toxic doomed old man yaoi. They're toxic and doomed because Baron is. well. not as wholesome as he seems to be🤭

(me as npc because . um . //runs away)

So I made this ship on sheer "I WANT HIM!!!" force but the more I think about them the more I realise that they're . very similar . in a lot of ways . But it's hard to see at first, they're both masking a lot and will do around each other for some time.

DISCLAIMER: cw for murder themes suggestive themes suicidal ideation etc etc. look at them lmao you must see what to expect. minors moots dni please😔

So what the fuck is wrong with Baron? Well, it's suicidal ideations that transformed into a weird sexual thing actually🫣

(timeline: after the killer reveal comic)

Good fucking lord. Elven gods save this man (impossible).

I mentioned that Baron was an opera singer once, and that's not just some fact, it's pretty big part of his lore that affected him greatly. Theatre was his life, he was it, embodied. It was a dream come true, best life anyone could wish for. He made money doing what he loved the most, he posessed talent, he was praised. He carried high values he's seen and played on scene into his adult life and still acts very noble and selfless. As the heroes he transformed into. But he was foolish, naive, perhaps too kind-hearted. It looked like an accident - he just lost his voice one day because of some unexplained sickness. He was devastated and could not work anymore, so his fiance, prima ballerina of the same theatre, left him soon after. His life was over in a span of a month What ACTUALLY happened was that he was betrayed by people he trusted the most - best friend, fellow singer, who envied him, and fiance, who helped him. Said friend cursed him and got rid of him that way. They became new stage stars after that. Baron is either too kind-hearted to think of that or he already knows but just in so much denial.

I don't think I mentioned it, but Baron is around 45 and this happened 10 years ago. So all this time he's been sad, miserable and worked wherever just to get paid. The life was over for him the day he lost his voice and since he has nothing to do anymore, he patiently waits to die... Passively, because he can't bring himself to actually do it. But he thinks about it. A lot. Daydreams, even.

This whole thing turned into another . ermm . thing . that I don't think can be fixed at this point. He just can't help but be excited at the prospect of violence, blood, guts and murder (ideally, his).

If he's going to die anyway, he can at least want it to be his way. How will this happen? Will he be hit by a train? Nah, too simple. Is he going to fall from the hand of some older depressed man or woman? GODS he wishes it that way. Or maybe something else <З He has a list with top 10 death ideas <З pinterest board and a spotify playlist <З

Tom Lehrer - The Masochism Tango starts playing

I wouldn't say that he tried THAT hard to find a new passion in life but he has depression so I forgive him. Of all people I know what it's like.

Same with Jenkins LMAO. They have no concept of other things in life, too blinded by what they want to have/had but lost. Stuck in thoughts of the future/past. When Jenkins is overwhelmed he hurts others, when Baron is overwhelmed he hurts himself.

Jenkins is miserable, but if he'll say it out loud it will become reality and he won't be that cool and collected and content man he imagines himself to be🫣*

So here comes the Rockposrt Limited and Jenkins and. damn. that man is sooo fine...

It's not like Baron didn't have anyone since his fiance but . It was just flings and friends and he didn't expect Jenkins thing to be any different than that. He had some love to share and oh boy did Jenkins need it.

But he fell so fucking hard it's equally fascinating AND worrisome. Like if he wasn't mentally ill pathetic wet dog with danger kink I think they could still repeat this iconic scene like:

"Well, you don't understand Baron- fu-- I'm a serial killer actually." "Well, nobody's perfect!!!<З"

He will spoil Jenkins ROTTEN since he makes normal amount of money as an engineer but doesn't need/want/wishes for anything, he doesn't spend it, he works kinda just to keep himself busy... He will treat Jenkins like a sugar baby and court him like a noble knight might court a fair lady.

He can't open up, not until he tells his heart's aches, and Jenkins can't open up too without revealing his darker side, so it's like a game to them. A roleplay of courting where everything is nice and smooth and comfortable and they never show unpleasant emotion. Jenkins likes to be cared for.

And then murder reveal happens and . um .

He's down BAD... LIKE... VERY BAD...

(I feel like the whole killing thing is just his attraction to people with power to change life, in the most extreme way. He has no control over life and jenkins has neither but he takes it in his two hands and changes destiny. Baron cannot. Could never. But he can admire that ability)

I like how it almost feels one-sided in a sense that Baron cares for Jenkins deeply and is ready to join his shenanigans any time of day and night. Bloody murder? Back massage? Weekend entertainment? I'm here, love.

Jenkins couldn't open a ketchup jar and didn't want to use his spell slot. chaos ensured

IT'S NOT THAT BAD because, as I said, Baron didn't really find any passion in life and Jenkins will become his passion. He will dedicate himself, he will be obsessed in the most sweet and wholesome way. He's in love. And who Jenkins is (underappreciated, unloved, uncared, neglected) to say no to this??

And it's not actually one-sided because when Jenkins will learn to read Baron like an open book, he's gonna be smart and know what the man needs. He's gonna know what he needs to say and do, and he won't fix him just as Baron won't ever fix him, but keeping him alive and barely content is more that sun elf could ever ask for <З

They're actively make each other worse by becoming more codependant each day <З None of them knows healthy copic mechanisms <З But at least they can rely on each other and that's something <З

*Back to the topic I'll add this little thing (can't write for shit):

-... I wish I was dead. - Baron finished his story, voice trembling. His eyes open wide, already watering, and he covers his mouth with hand as if he wasn't going to say the last part. Like if he said it out loud it would become his reality and not a mere thought, which is what he tried to convince himself of for a long time. Jenkins thinks, then, that he can do it. He can fulfill man's wish and take his life, easily, as he has done so many times before. It could be an honor to feel elf's last breath, be the last thing he'll ever see. He would rather do it himself that leave it to someone else, someone with unsteady hand. He can't leave it to someone who won't honor Baron the way he deserved. It's a pleasant thing to think about. But Jenkins grew fond of having the man around. And Jenkins was selfish. "This is an unfortunate situation, " he just says, deliberately.

BUT THEY'RE SWEET!!! So many smart words for such a silly dynamic. I don't think about it that much it all is just at the back of my mind... They're going to be madly in love actually. They're going to be partners in crime. Jenkins is very Yzma-coded so I watch clips with Yzma and Kronk and imagine them😭 I also watch Addams Family clips and it's also them😭😭😭

ok I've been editing this post for a week or even longer I have no brain left anymore so sorry this is it. the sillies. I daydream about them daily. Jenkins deserves to have a silly devoted sidekick that will love him endlessly

honorable mentions I don't know where to add:

Baron is not his . real name . he used his first one around close people and now he feels naked using it so he doesn't. maybe he will around Jenkins, one day. I HEADCANON THAT JENKINS IS NOT JENKINS' REAL NAME ALSO. he probably had something SILLY and then took it as cover-up name and grew used to it. same hat? same hat.

Mmmhhh I like imagining Baron having a slight german accent, especially with his T's and R's. He usually talks real low and is sounds like a pleasant mumur, but if he tries to talk louder it sounds like he straight up drank chlorine and/or smoked a pack a day since the day he was born. His throat hurts sometimes

To the pain topic: I think Jenkins has scoliosis + bad posture + constant pressure on his choulders so he's two minutes away from becoming the butler little nightmares. this shit must huuurt

[elizas-writing]

When Wish Fulfillment Fantasies Meet Reality: A Re-Examination of Twilight

 **CW/TW: The following piece discusses dating violence with brief mentions to sexual assault and self-harm.**

This year, the last Fifty Shades movie finally came and went, and as its popularity slowly morphs into a bad memory for pop culture, I’m thinking again about the fiction’s effect on reality, particularly wish fulfillment fantasies, self-insert stories, etc etc.

This train of thought began with the Twilight series after watching Lindsay Ellis’s video essay, “Dear Stephenie Meyer,” where she revisits the hatred surrounding said franchise. While it’s definitely not without serious flaws, Twilight was not really as bad as people made it out to be. And most of the criticism was solely about millions of young girls and their moms liking a thing because, what a shock, our society tends to hate anything feminine. I was definitely one of those teenage girls who wanted nothing to do with Twilight, surprising no one probably. Even though I had enough plot summary from friends to pick up the actual problems of the story, I just had fun hating it for the sake of hating it and disassociating with anything feminine because I was neck-deep in my weeaboo phase.

Cut to about seven years later, I took a Vampires in Pop Culture class and Twilight (the first of the series) was on the reading list. With a more mature mind, I sat down, read it, and yeah, it really was not as bad as I thought. Yes, Bella’s too one-dimensional, Edward’s still pretty creepy, and the dialogue and prose is at best, ridiculous and at worst, stale. It knows its target audience is tweens and reads as such, which unfortunately doesn’t grip me as an adult. I gave up at the baseball scene cause I was ready to gouge my eyes out if I read one more description of the weather. And give credit where it’s due, the side characters have way more fascinating stories than Bella or Edward, and it’s a shame Meyer didn’t take a chance to further expand them instead. I couldn’t find much to be angry about with the first book, and I was honestly more bored than anything. But I also cannot deny the wish fulfillment fantasy driving the narrative which drew in a large audience all those years ago.

And wish fulfillment is fine. Self-insert is fine. Teenage girls are just figuring out what confidence is, and there is some reassurance in a fantasy where the totally out-of-league man of your dreams still finds you the most fascinating human being in the world and wants to give you all his undivided attention. Not every female lead needs to be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. I still see people write self-insert fanfictions from time to time, and they’re very sweet and tender to imagine being loved by a favorite character. We actually consume these stories more than we like to admit.

Hell, one of my favorite guilty pleasure films is The Princess Diaries. In many ways, it hits the same notes as Twilight. It’s a pure wish fulfillment fantasy where the main girl is smart, but clumsy and awkward and just wants to be invisible. Yet she finds herself on a whirlwind journey of self-discovery where others find value in her, and she even falls in love with a boy who adores her regardless of how she perceives herself. Yet The Princess Diaries is such a popular chick flick among people my age. So why is something like The Princess Diaries fondly remembered as an integral part of a millenial/Gen Z childhood while Twilight is met with disdain and disgust?

The major differences boil down to the main female protagonists: Mia and Bella. While not an overly complex character, Mia has, well, a personality. Her journey is more personal of overcoming her social anxiety and realizing how much she can contribute to the world as a public figure if she just takes the leap of faith. Getting a romance in the end is just icing on the cake when she remembers who was there for her even when she was the awkward nerd and will love her regardless of appearance or social status. It’s cheesy and hokey as chick flicks do, but it’s a satisfying wish fulfillment fantasy where the protagonist is better off than where she started and what she was looking for was right there all along.

With Bella, I barely know who she is outside of her romantic interests. Sure, the books go into more detail of her intelligence and social anxiety, but it’s never seen in film. Her life completely revolves around her relationships to the point of obsession, but we never almost see what she’s like when not caught up in the supernatural love triangle. And unfortunately, it’s a problem which worsens with each sequel. The Twilight franchise frames romance as something Bella can’t live without to the point of shutting herself in for months when the Cullens leave in New Moon, refusing to talk to her friends and family, and getting night terrors. It’s intended to make you feel sorry for Bella, but her backwards priorities make her completely pathetic on how much of her life she misses because of some boy who didn’t hesitate to cut her from his life, and she was totally fine with him leaving if he didn’t turn her into a vampire.

Prioritizing unrequited love over your own well being is such an unhealthy idea to romanticize because there is far more to life than some dumb boy who won’t return your feelings. I saw my fair share of unsatisfying romances in young adulthood hanging on by a thread for some idealized love that’s never going to happen. Even though a break up is the simplest and most effective solution for both people to take care of themselves, they continue wasting their time being unhappy with each other and latching on to the rose-tinted view of how they first fell in love. I know some people don’t like the idea that you have to love yourself before someone else, but there’s still truth to the saying where you have to understand that being in a romantic relationship will not automatically fix all your problems and guarantee a happily ever after.

Aside from getting married and having a baby which almost kills her during pregnancy, Bella doesn’t grow as a character or develop any personality, and she just gets her happy ending anyway. The Volturi hint that Bella is special because she’s unaffected by vampire powers, but that detail is shuffled to the sidelines to get more of Jacob and Edward butting heads on who she’ll choose. Most of the story’s events are outside her control and she doesn’t explore further into what they mean about her being special, and even her turning into a vampire-- not even of her own volition, but as a last ditch attempt to save her while dying in childbirth-- doesn’t change that much about her except now she’s immortal and she can bang Edward without getting knocked unconscious again.

I know Twilight is commercial romantic fiction meant to go in one ear and out the other, but it’s still such a damn waste of great lore and  build up with no pay off. And Bella is such a bore of a protagonist to follow the entire time even for a blank slate who is meant to be easily identifiable for teenage readers. Again, not every female character needs to wield a sword or be flawless at everything they do, but having an engaging arc is the simplest bare minimum when writing your story’s protagonist. But that got lost in drawn out weather descriptions and, of course, the unhealthiest romances in fiction.

In a 2013 interview with TIME about her book, The Host, Meyer says she never thinks much about if her protagonists are good role models because “it’s fiction... I don’t think you should be using fictional characters as role models.” To that, I strongly disagree and am rather surprised to hear from Meyer given the great battles of Team Edward vs Team Jacob as each of the films released in theaters. Granted, this is an old interview, and I don’t know how much her opinion changed, but it still irks me.

Whether you like to admit it or not-- especially on the wonderful world of Tumblr.com--, fiction affects our reality. It alters our perception on politics, race, gender, lifestyles, and yes, even romance. Especially as kids and teenagers, we can’t help but find role models to base our ever-changing identities on and look up to so we can be better people for ourselves and society. It’s the reason why so many people define themselves on what Hogwarts house they’re in, why Disney milks Star Wars as long as they can, and why black communities arranged trips for everyone to see Black Panther. And unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to say Twilight is completely harmless in how it portrays the romances.

Just type in any search engine about abusive relationships in Twilight, and you get millions upon millions of analyses on how Edward and Jacob check off as abusers. They’re controlling, aggressive, easy to become jealous, and lacking any notion of personal boundaries. However, one abuser often forgotten in this conversation is Bella, who is such a despicable, emotional manipulator.

Remember how ridiculously depressed she gets in New Moon when Edward leaves? Well, she starts seeing visions of Edward checking in on her whenever she seems to be in danger. And she gets the bright idea to keep purposefully doing so-- including hanging out with shady gang members, crashing a motorcycle and jumping off a cliff-- just to get his attention and hopefully coax him to return to Forks. I’m surprised she didn’t just straight up say “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” because it’s such textbook gaslighting. And when Edward is led to believe Bella died, then he attempts suicide! And she’s seriously surprised he would given how much needless self-harm she did over the months? What else did you think was going to happen?! I can’t even laugh at some of the badness of New Moon because Bella’s toxic behavior leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. Her severe romantic dependency went from being a damsel-in-distress to an abusive, emotionally manipulative screwball. And that’s just scraping the tip of the iceberg, folks.

Upon actually watching all the films for the first time, Edward’s behavior isn’t nearly as bad as my first perceptions when I was in middle school, but his possessiveness and lack of personal space are still incredibly uncomfortable. I know we all wrote that fanfiction where person A gets saved by person B from attempted gang rape, but Edward is so overbearingly and exhaustively protective, and it just gets worse in the sequels up until Bella’s finally transformed into a vampire. It is to the point where he hardly trusts Bella to do anything by herself knowing how massive of a klutz she is, and will pop into her home without permission, warning or respect of her personal space. As such, she never grows independence, much less learn how to protect herself or be prepared when supernatural forces come for her while the Cullens leave.

Edward may have good intentions to think of Bella’s safety with the context of other vampires mercilessly killing humans in Washington state, but he’s also on a slippery slope of controlling nearly every aspect of her life, especially when she might start feeling romantic for someone else, because guess what dude? You left for over half a year. This continuing behavior throughout the series heavily contributes to Bella’s unhealthy dependency on a romantic partner to the point where she feels like she can’t live without them. Granted, that doesn’t excuse her emotional manipulation, but because she never learns self-defense on the off chance no one else is there to save her, it’s no wonder why she has severe issues with separation and loneliness. Like I said before, you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship if you think it’s going to automatically fix all your problems. Your romantic partner isn’t your therapist or coping mechanism, especially if you can’t handle a simple break up or if said partner wasn’t even that great to begin with.

You’d think Jacob would be off the hook since he at least doesn’t watch Bella while she’s sleeping, but he’s not escaping unscathed. Despite how the series tries to explain what imprinting is, it’s glanced over so quickly on the now creepy relationship between Jacob and Bella’s daughter, even all things considered for a rapidly growing vampire child. He also has a ton of aggressive tendencies as part of the werewolf gene to the point where he will inevitably hurt Bella-- as illustrated with another pack member’s live-in girlfriend who has scars across her face--, and has zero respect for consent as he forcibly kisses her on multiple occasions. Yeah, cause painting your Native American characters-- and only prominent characters of color-- as inevitable, aggressive predators sure is good representation and definitely not some awful racial stereotype. Jacob embodies the most basic descriptors of toxic masculinity between his sense of entitlement that Bella should choose him over Edward and the “boys will be boys” mentality as though Jacob is completely incapable of any self-control, werewolf or not. Given the recent news surrounding Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination and his defenders claiming “what boy hasn’t done this” and that he shouldn’t be punished for his actions as a young man, Jacob’s character is one of the most dangerous aspects of the series to be romanticized as a wish fulfillment fantasy. He’s not only based on gross racial stereotypes, but also on harmful patriarchal ideas of men thinking they’re entitled to women without any consideration to their autonomy. Normalizing this behavior as attractive qualities in a partner allows men to run from their actions without consequence.

And this toxic masculinity only heightened when Fifty Shades of Grey entered the spotlight for pop culture to bash, but had much more legitimate criticisms to garner hatred.

Fifty Shades of Grey changes up the wish fulfillment fantasy where instead of a vampire, the clumsy and awkward female lead, Anastasia Steele, is swept away by billionaire, Christian Grey, who’s happy to spoil her with grand luxuries but has a troubled past which makes it difficult for him to love. Oh, and he’s into BDSM and writes up a questionable contract for Anastasia on all the kinky shit he wants to do. And Anastasia is so sweet and innocent she doesn’t even know what an anal plug is (like, it’s right there in the name, sweetheart. You can’t be this dumb). As you do, things go wrong, they take a break, Christian dumps his tragic anime backstory on Anastasia as a pathetic excuse to apologize, people from his past show up because reasons, and they eventually live happily ever after, married with a baby on the way.

Not only does Christian hit the same abuser red flags as Edward, Jacob and Bella on top of being the worst dom in history, but the series passes off that anyone can be fixed with the power of love. Once again, your romantic partner isn’t your therapist. Trauma may explain his behavior, but that doesn’t excuse what he put Anastasia through, and neither is it suddenly her job to fix him. And abusers like Christian are never reformed so easily with love; more often than not, they use it as leverage to manipulate and keep the relationship going for the sake of control. Sure, it sounds hot to be in a BDSM relationship with a billionaire ready to spoil you, but do the ends really justify the means of that sweet wish fulfillment? Is it really that great of a fantasy to play your partner’s therapist and humor their extreme control and possessiveness to the point where you’re almost not allowed to be an individual?

It’s one thing to have guilty pleasures and wish fulfillment fantasies. But after a while, you wonder what it is about a certain piece of media which makes it a guilty pleasure. It’s one thing if Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are guilty pleasures in some of the enjoyably bad writing, unnatural dialogue or squandered potential. But upholding these romances as ideal and disregarding all the blatant warning signs of abusive relationships? That’s where we really need to take a step back and wonder why this is remotely okay to normalize, especially for impressionable teenage girls. Even though I was mostly amused by the films’ bad writing and these poor actors pushing through for their paychecks, there was also a fair amount of content which was too uncomfortable to laugh at-- Bella’s emotional manipulation, the portrayal of werewolves, and the unsubtle anti-abortion message in Breaking Dawn: Part 1 just to name a few. It’s baffling how these properties became cultural phenomenons for their “romances of the century” when most of these character really need couples’ counseling.

Thankfully, these franchises didn’t made too lasting impressions and for the most part are forgotten. Stephenie Meyer quietly retired to continue taking care of her kids, and EL James just kinda disappeared from the media spotlight since the last film released. Maybe Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey aren’t the worst series to happen to mainstream media, but they still heavily reflect a society which to this day hesitates to call dating violence what it is. Where finding love in another takes priority over self-care. Where people still struggle to define abuse because “if that’s abuse, then everyone I know has been abused.” Where despite sexual assault survivors’ testimonies, polygraph tests, supporters, and grueling mental exhaustion to tell their stories, their abusers roam free without consequence and are still allowed power with their nasty holier-than-thou attitudes to silence anyone who dares question their character.

We’re slowly getting better in these kind of fantasies for teens with films like Love, Simon and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before with genuinely health romances where the characters have to confront their flaws and grow. We’re a lot more critical of relationship dynamics in film than we were over a decade ago, especially with #MeToo in the last year. But part of me is still worried if we’ll have another trend like Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey where it’s blindly defended because it’s fiction and disregard when people romanticize the severely problematic elements which don’t guarantee happily-ever-afters for couples’ in reality. As the possibility of reverting to pre-Roe vs. Wade days becomes more of a likelihood, at what point do we finally acknowledge that a simple fantasy isn’t automatically above criticism?

If you enjoyed this analysis and what I do here, consider buying me a ko-fi to show your support!

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Permission - Nik

Previous ~ Masterlist ~ Next

CW: fear of dubcon/noncon, conditioning, manhandling, prolonged strangulation, brief suicidal idealization (better off dead kinda thing), brief vomit mention, 

Nik had never been ashamed of crying. It was a natural response, so why should he be? Before, he hadn’t really cared if people saw him cry.

Now, he had more reason to cry than ever.

He laid curled as small as he could. Back in his cell, he was miserable and shivering. His skin was still flush and sensitive, but he felt lightheaded and cold from blood loss. His back was the worst of all; he knew from when he reached back and his fingers found strips of his own skin. The feeling of the thick strips in his hand made his stomach curl, but he didn’t dare let himself vomit. That would surely be worse. He laid on his side, holding himself tightly. It was a hell of impossible opposites, both freezing and burning simultaneously.

No, Nik wasn’t ashamed of crying, he was ashamed of the thoughts that came with the crying.

He wished it wasn’t him. He wished that someone else would have stepped up to protect his people. Kia was so much stronger than me; she wouldn’t have given in so easily. She wouldn’t be this shivering, trembling mess. She would have been better at this. It should have been her.

He pulled himself away from that train of thought. No, he couldn’t think that way. He could never wish this pain on anyone else. 

Anyone else but the vampire, he thought as he bitterly held himself tighter. His chest was still bare, but the cold stone felt, well, not good but better, on his bruised and battered body.

No, he would never wish this on Kia. She deserved to live her life, to be the person that they both knew she could be. They had been friends since childhood, and he thought of her like a sister that he never had.

Besides, humans were known for their… appetites. Either I’m not His type or that’s still yet to come. His mind was cruel, forcing scenes to the front of his mind without his permission. Scenes that flooded his system with fear and made him pull himself so close to never feel so exposed again. No, he needed to get away from this train of thought, too. Nothing had ever been suggested or even implied.

Even if it had, he would give himself every day so Kia would never have to.

Breathe in, breathe out, Nik coached himself. If there was no one else there to give him comfort, then he would do it himself. He focused on his breathing and let exhaustion take him.

When he woke again, he could feel his arms and legs again. He smiled, until the pain started to register. They were just as bruised and sore as the rest of him. He wished the numbness would have lasted until his body wasn’t so damaged. Just a bit of reprieve, please.

He flexed his fingers carefully and weighed the options. He knew healing spells. He could make himself feel better. How much is left in me? he thought. He had never needed to ask himself these questions before. There were limits to what he could do, but he had never even considered it before. He sighed. Last time He went to far, I stopped breathing. He looked at the dark, cold, removed cell around him. Maybe that’s not so bad.

Painfully, Nik pushed himself to a sitting position. As unsteady as he felt, he didn’t dare brace against a wall; not with his back in this condition. He winced as he pulled the bandage away from the cut on his arm. It was deep, but not to the bone. He pulled the words from his mind, mouthing them lightly. His eyes fluttered and he began to massage his palm. Soon, light pooled in his palm. He laid it against the wound, and waited for it close. He felt the skin pull together and go taut with a comforting warmth.

Another source of light caught his eye. The cuffs. The cuff on his left arm was glowing threateningly, pulsing and slowly warming. Before he could register what happened, pain seared through his body. He cried out and fell back to the ground. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.

A blink, and the Sorcerer was looming above him. He lightly tapped the cuff on his own wrist against Nik’s, and the pain stopped instantly. It was abrupt, and Nik felt off balance as a result.

“How dare you,” he screeched as his hand wrapped around Nik’s neck. Nik’s hands flew to his neck, to scratch and fight and breathe, but they accomplished nothing. The Sorcerer lifted him by his neck so only his bare toes grazed the floor. Panic set in. His breathing was shallow and restricted, every breath hindered by an iron grip. He scrambled to try to get his feet under him.

“Listen to me very carefully. We made a deal. You are mine; all mine. Every part of you, from the hair on your head to the blood coursing through your veins belongs to me.” His eyes drilled into Nik’s wide, panicked stare.

“You heal when I want you to heal, you bleed when I want you to bleed. You breathe,” the hand around Nik’s neck closed, crushing his airways. Nik scratched and kicked and fought, but his vision started to grow hazy. His head pounded and his legs grew weaker and weaker. He tried to plead, to beg. The vampire had once called him well-spoken, perhaps Nik could convince him, but the grip was too tight. 

He could feel just how crushed his airways were as they pulsed with his heartbeat. He pleaded with his eyes; the man had always seemed to like his eyes. 

Nothing. No pity, no mercy. His hands and feet grew still as his vision got darker and darker. Surely, he wouldn’t let him pass out; would he? Nik’s last coherent thought was overpowered by raw, animalistic panic.

Nik gasped awake, held by his shoulders to the wall. Before the open wounds on his back could rear in pain, his throat cried out. Even without the hand, it was still partially closed and painful. Gasps of dry air might as well have been glass, shredding and tearing through his throat.

“Did I say you could breathe?” came a voice. Nik’s head spun and ached. He couldn’t even form words in his mind. The hand returned to his neck, and Nik’s body went rigid. The grip, the pressure on already damaged skin was unbearable. Nik’s body burned as already exhausted muscles fought again for survival. Darkness came quicker this time, but it still came.

He gasped awake again, hazy and unfocused. He was still pinned against the wall, but he felt as if he was floating. His body didn’t register; not pain or cold or even discomfort.

“Again, you insolent creature; did I give you explicit permission to breathe?” Nik’s mind shot back as the hand laid against his throat. Please, no, please, no no no. I can’t, I can’t, please I need to breathe, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Nik’s mind protested, but none of the words could make it to his lips. 

Fear and panic overrode his system, taking control away from him. Instinct kicked in, but a different instinct this time. He pressed his mouth closed and held his breath. His heartbeat pounded through his skin. Surely the man could feel it? He can tell right? I’m not breathing. Please Gods let him know I’m not breathing. I’ll obey, please let me breathe. Please, I need air. I need to breathe.

“Good. Breathe.”

Nik gasped, taking in as much air as he could. He sputtered and coughed, filling his lungs as quickly as he could. His throat still burned, like the air was made of hot coals. A hand gently cupped the side of his face, sending a shiver down his spine.

“You’re mine. You follow my explicit permission. You obey me regardless of what your mind and body tell you. Do you understand?”

Nik moved to open his mouth, then closed it quickly. Is this a trap? Am I supposed to answer? Is a question explicit permission? His thoughts raced, trying desperately to figure out the right answer. There must be a right answer. He needed the right answer. His eyes flicked up to try and read the face of the Sorcerer to try and gather more information. At the furious glare, pure dread filled him as he realized he never gave any answer.

A fist knocked his head to the side, white exploding in his vision. His ears rung and drowned out the sound of his own body crashing to the ground. The ringing bore through his mind as a flurry of kicks broke his ribs and battered his already weak frame. His body tried to curl in to protect itself, but it was never allowed. When he finally snapped back to his body, his back was pressed down hard against the gravel floor. His back roared and seized, rising above the other pain that ravaged his body. He cried out, voice already breaking from use and fear. He could feel his ribs bend dangerously far underneath the boot that pressed him down.

“Why did you not answer me? You obey me! Tell me!”  

“P-P-Please, Sir,” his voice was broken and split, hoarse from crying out and strained from lack of use. “Y-you, you never g-gave me, ex-xplic-cit permission. I’m s-s-s-sorry”. Tears rolled down the side of his face.

The boot lifted immediately. Nik desperately needed to breath, but he tried to keep it shallow and unnoticeable. His eyes were shut tightly, as if not seeing the blows would make them hurt less.

A soft laugh. A hand cupped the side of his face again. Unsure of what to do, Nik remained perfectly still. No instructions, wait for instructions. Please god let me breathe. Please don’t hurt me again. I’ll obey. I promise; just let me breathe

“You’re not as stupid as those other creatures, are you? You are actually capable of thought.”

Was that a compliment? Was that good? No permission to respond, so he tried to stay as still as possible. He tried desperately to calm the full body trembles, but nothing worked.

Just wait. Just wait for permission and don’t move. Don’t move a muscle.

The Sorcerer wound a long strip of fabric many times over his eyes, keeping them closed tightly. A punishment for using his own magic to heal himself. That, and the beating he had received. Nik laid on the ground, exhausted and in pain. If he ever could have willed himself to pass out, to drift away into hazy darkness, he would have.

~~~

@luminouswhump @lonesome–hunter @pepperonyscience @insanitywishes