#(( CW FOR A BRIEF MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEALIZATION ))

[whosmoraless]

Why  don't  you  talk  to  me  anymore?

@peterbsideparker

(Enjoy the hurt/no comfort)

How long had it been since then? Days? Weeks? Between helping practically rebuild Brooklyn from the mess the Spot (and the Society) turned it to, and the torrent of too complicated, too messy feelings the aftermath bogging him down to his very bone, time sort of... blended together. One day bleeding into the next until suddenly it's fall and the gloom in the air matches the way he feels.

Not helping that Miles had made the decision to just...

Disappear.

Really. Miguel may have given him a watch (which was probably the most of an apology he was ever going to get), allowing him into the Society, but it's still glaringly obvious that he just doesn't belong.

Not amongst these heroes who gladly chased and nearly mauled a child under nothing but their leader's vague orders. Not with the people he thought were his friends, with their sad looks and their guilt so oppressive Miles could choke on it.

(Seriously. One can only handle so many awkward attempts at a heart-to-heart.)

So Miles would do the work Miguel assigns, fill out the mission reports, try to choke down the way his Spider-Sense screams danger danger danger around the man's presence, and then leave, his presence little more than a wraith; ignoring anyone who tries to talk at him, ask how he's doing, try to offer their soggy, awkward apologies or condolences or pity.

He doesn't need all that. Or them. Or anyone at all. And he thought he made that abundantly clear earlier, but evidently not.

It's a testament to how worn he is that he doesn't even find the effort in himself to get properly annoyed when Peter finds him at the end of one such mission, with that same soft, soggy, squitchy, sad-ass look; like Miles is standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump.

That'd be a stupid idea anyways. He's pretty sure his Spider-Sense would force him to save himself if he ever tried, no matter how badly he'd want it.

"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" the older man asks. God knows the amount of cognitive dissonance must be in effect to make him to ignore Miles's clear bristling around him.

Still. For the sake of getting him off his ass.

"What do you want me to say?" he replies. "Just say, 'nah, forget 'bout the ways you fucked me over, we're friends now'? I'm not stupid."

In spite of the harsh words, the tone barely comes across as that.

(he sounds like a child. A child who's been hurt in ways no adult should go through; trying and failing to hold it together for too long.)

He sighs, what little energy he had at the start of this interaction thoroughly drained out of him.

"Look, I get you feel bad," (in spite of himself, he can't quite control the faint irritated curl that briefly pulls at his top lip at those two words) "but I just... can't be around you guys right now."

Especially you.

[crayonverse]

details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)

michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .

lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .

after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .

just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .

ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .

he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .

when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .

slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .

the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .

michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .

not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .

ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .

bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .

michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .

basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .

he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .

i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .

ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .

theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .

another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .

pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .

michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .

he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .

i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .

the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.

[highwaywhump]

Would you be up for writing a little piece about kill shelters, from the pet’s POV? I saw that you said you wouldn’t write about pets actually being PTS - completely understandable! - what if someone were to come in at the last second with the news that the pet’s original owner had been found? I’m so curious on what the process would be for the shelter handling this- since it would technically be murder, how would it be done in a way to remain ‘legal’? And what would the pet be told? Would they tell them what was going to happen, or just ‘get on with it’? :o

TW/CW: A CHARACTER THAT IDEALIZES DEATH/HAS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. to be clear, he doesn't die, but another character does (this comes through very vaguely - never voiced outright). brief and vague mention of a gun, talk of scars, low self image, talk of collars and chains and cages/kennels, description of a hit and run victim (still alive), brief description of a dislocated hip, talk of restraints, talk of syringes and needles.

i know our community has suffered these past few days, and i was seriously debating whether i should post this piece or not. in the end, i figure that writing has been my way of overcoming difficult feelings for many years now, and i have been dealing with a lot of them lately, including intense stress and depression. if anyone feels i am doing something wrong in posting this piece, please let me know and i'll see what i'll do about it.

i am also painfully aware this ask was sent over a month ago (in reference to this ask), but i had to sit down and think about how i wanted to go about it. BE AWARE that the following piece features a character that idealizes/wishes for death - please sit this one out if you are struggling with such thoughts. i'm putting everything under a read more so that you can avoid reading a single word if you don't feel comfortable. my dm’s are always open if you want to talk about anything. <3

this character might seem familiar to some. spoiler, this is how poker from this piece ended up. he was about 35 when joey met him and he’s a few years older in this piece. and i'm sorry but there’s just something about men in cages… (also, let’s ignore that i add a bunch of details here that weren’t present in the first piece with him. also also, i don’t know what happened to the verb tenses in this one. it’s the middle of the night. roll with the punches i guess)

-

It might’ve been months since the guard dog saw his owner last. He doesn’t know. He’s stopped counting. 

Well. 

He never really started. 

He doesn’t remember much about him. He’d lost another fight, the last one in a long row of losses. He’d been pulled into the back of a car by his thick collar afterwards, dazed and hot and sputtering blood all over the leather seats. They’d hit him in the ribs for it and he knew he’d deserved it. 

Whoever was driving had been given orders in his owner’s rough voice. 

“Go down to the docks. Get rid of him.” 

He knew there was a lethal piece of metal stuck down the waistband of the driver’s jeans. 

He’d been taken a few hours outside the city instead, deposited on the wet asphalt outside of a brick building and chained to a drainpipe. The driver had gotten back in the car and sped off. 

The guard dog had leaned against the hard brick, watching as the brake lights disappeared. He didn’t think much, other than okay. As if he had anything else to say about his situation. 

His surroundings turned into a shapeless blur from there. Hands touching him, cold and unfeeling and clad in blue rubber. A couple were soft and took their time to stroke his hair, scratch the hard to reach place between his shoulder blades. He savored those moments, and tried to remember the hands and the face they belonged to, but none of it lasted. 

Nothing ever lasted around him, it seemed. He couldn’t keep an owner for more than a few months, never more than a year. Couldn’t keep winning. Couldn’t keep anyone safe, even though that was the thing he was made for. The only thing that kept, were the scars. 

And the fucking tattoo on his wrist. Not even the facility that had made him, wanted him back when the shelter called them about him. Too old. They had no prospects who would want someone like him. 

That was what the visitors said too, few and far between as they were. Too old. Too big, too many scars, too scary, too ugly, too old, too dumb, too old again. They talked about him as if he wasn’t even there, huddled up in a corner just on the other side of the chain link. 

He knew it was his fault. He should be, or at least seem, happier to see them. Smile. Wait at the kennel gate, like all the others did whenever somebody stopped by. 

But to what end? Another owner who would put him in the ring again, just to be angry at him when he loses? Or someone he can take bullets for again, even though he isn’t quick and bright enough to anticipate them anymore? 

He doesn’t dare hope that anyone else would want him, not in his condition. It’s true, what they say. He’s old. Scarred, slow. There are sunshine stories of even the most unwanted of pets, expenses in every way, who somehow end up on the couches of kind people who just want a companion, their head resting in their laps, petted by soft fingers.

Those people get platonics, though. Domestics. Even the occasional romantic can adapt to such a lifestyle. 

But not an old ex guard dog, like him. 

He’s no use to anyone, not anymore. 

They remove him from the kennel one day. For a moment, his heart beats a little faster. He can’t tell if it’s fear or excitement, but it turns out neither is warranted. He’s taken to another room, a chain attached to his collar, the other end pin shackled to a ring in the wall. Another pet, younger and prettier, is put in his kennel. He can see them through the frosted glass on the door. 

He turns away. 

He doesn’t cry. 

Visitors don’t come through this room, he realizes, and for the first few days he’s happy for it. Nobody talks about him now. It’s quiet and the cold linoleum floor is almost comfortable on his joints. The only bad thing about this room is the other pet, chained to the wall opposite of him. The man is curled up, breathing shallowly through dried blood in his nostrils, and the sound is annoying. He’s younger than him, and he was probably very pretty once, but now his face is bruised and swollen, and bloody in the crevices even though they washed him with a damp cloth when he came in. Hit and run, somebody had said in passing.

That was four days ago. The guard dog watches him, mostly because there isn’t much else to look at in here. His leg is in a weird position, he’s noticed. It’s as if the thigh has rotated where it attaches to the hip. He wonders if it’s supposed to be that way. It doesn’t look very comfortable. His stomach is weirdly distended, too. It looks out of place on a body that is otherwise slim and smooth. 

Two workers descend on him one day, kneeling down beside the misshapen figure. They talk to him, sweetly, as they gently lift him over on a gurney and start wheeling him through another door. “You’ll feel a lot better when you wake up,” one of the workers say, a vinyl clad hand patting his shoulder. The one part of him that isn’t broken. 

The guard dog catches the faint smile visible through a swollen cheek as they pass him. The other pet is happy they’re coming for him, making him feel better. Finally. 

Maybe twenty minutes have passed when the workers come back. One of them wipes their hands on their worn jeans. “Glad that’s over,” he mutters. "Should have been done when he came in," the other says. The guard dog meets his gaze as they pass. Neither of them say anything. 

They’d come for him a few days later. They wear the same smiles and the same gloves as they did with the other pet, but he doesn’t need the sweet talking. He goes with them willingly. He’d stopped eating a while back and his muscle tone had disappeared a long time ago, so it was easy for them to help him up to his feet. He’s taller than them, still, and keeps his head down the way he’s always done. 

He’s known cold. Heat, pain, pleasure even, in small stints. Grief, fear. Rage. As he places one bare foot in front of the other on the beige linoleum, obediently following the worker in front, he knows he will soon know death. 

And he isn’t afraid. 

“You won’t feel a thing,” one of them says as they help him sit on the steel table in the next room, as if anyone has ever cared about how he’s feeling. 

“You’ll feel much better after,” the other worker says, without specifying exactly what was supposed to be better, as they gently lay him down. The table has leather straps hanging down the sides, ready to restrain its more unwilling cases, but he doesn’t move and they don’t use the straps. In the corner of his eye he can see two syringes on the counter. One of them is skinny and filled with clear fluid. The needle is small and will slip into him easily. He’s had many needles before. This won’t feel any different, he decides. The other syringe is larger, the needle too big to be used on somebody who was awake feel it. 

It doesn’t matter. He’ll feel better after. The guard dog refocuses his gaze on the bright light overhead. He closes his eyes. 

“Small pinch, now,” one worker says, and he can feel a pinprick at the crook of his elbow, the cold liquid fanning up his arm as it is being pushed in. His heart beats a few more times before the serum reaches it. He can feel his pulse, docile to begin with, calm down even more. He feels sleepy, his body heavy, as if he’s being pushed into the table from above. The hard metal digging into his joints doesn’t matter anymore. He knows he won’t even notice the other syringe. He knows he’ll feel better soon. 

A grating ringtone interrupts his silent mind. One of the workers picks up, speaking in a low voice. Sleep tugs at the edges of his mind, and he wants to follow. Right before he goes under, the sound of hard plastic hitting metal and a few words make it through the fuzzy walls inside his head. 

“No trouble at all. You’re just in time, sir.” 

--

to answer your other questions, anon: in the legal sense it wouldn't be murder, as the pets aren't people anymore, they're only human at the biological level (again, in a legal sense). it's necessary :) and humane :) euthanasia :). the pets aren't told anything/they're gently reassured and told they're going on for surgery, or something similar. i think "you'll feel better when you wake up," is a classic in these circles. i'm sure some understand what is about to happen (hence the restraints on the table), but the majority goes quick and silent. i have no idea what happens to them after though so don't ask me about that :)

[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Regret - Nik

I feel like I make the joke of “whoa who is this?? every time I post Nik.] 

CW: captivity, stress position, intimate whumper, noncon touch (non sexual), possessive language, brief suicidal ideation, death mention, blood, broken whumpee. 

Previous ~ Masterlist ~ Next 

A sound. It’s so sudden and unknown that Nik tenses. Was it real? There have been sounds creeping around his awareness lately, sounds and lights and shapes in the darkness of the blindfold. He whines slightly, testing to see if the sound responds.

Sometimes they do.

It’s worse when they do.

He swallows thickly, jaw throbbing with the ache of being held open for so long. How long as it even been, locked immobile in the darkness?  Nik’s internal clock had been destroyed long ago, smashed to bits by the fake sunrises and tauntingly inconsistent days.

“Feeling remorseful yet?”

A voice.  Real voice; he’s sure of it. This one is different, echoing off the stone walls.

The voices from his head can’t replicate that.

A frantic, begging whine. Yes, yes I am. Please, please just let me move. Let me go back to the vivarium. I’ll never disobey you again, I swear. Nik tries to nod, tries to show the Sorcerer that he’s sorry, but he can’t move. The metal around his forehead and neck keep him securely locked onto the wall.

How long has it been since he moved even an inch?

A hmm and Nik stills immediately. His heart is pounding in his throat, threatening to be the end of him he’s sure. He can feel his own trembling, but it’s vaguely distant, separate from him.

Footsteps, there are footsteps. Nik’s breath hitches as he feels tears pricking behind his eyes. Please, please I’ll do anything. I’ll never disobey again.

In one motion, all the cuffs disappear entirely, freeing him from the wall. Nik falls forward, unable to catch himself. Free, but still unable to move his locked joints and muscles. His skull cracks against the hard, stone floor, sending the darkness spinning. He groans brokenly, chest expanding farther than it has in, in… since the darkness. He can feel something warm bubbling up from underneath his skin and drip onto the floor.

The Sorcerer smiles down at him, reveling in the wrecked, thin body that he’s made Nik into. He crouches down, cupping the side of Nik’s neck. The creature shudders as he strokes his thumb across its jaw. He can feel its response, the curling tendrils of violation that course through its blood. He knows the pathetic little thing would try to flee if it could, but it can’t. It can’t – not only because it’s too weak, but because there’s another part of itself that craves the touch. Craves the comfort and stimulation that even this minuscule movement provides.

And wouldn’t it? It hadn’t felt anything in nearly a month.

The Sorcerer admires it for a moment more, before sending a blast of lightning through its body.

Nik screams behind the muzzle, muscles atrophied by stillness now forced to contract, to move by the electricity pumping through him. He can feel his joints creak at the sudden change, a body so frozen in one position now forced into movement.

Muscles tear and he screams.

Sobbing, Nik sprawls limply in a new position but still unable to move. His limbs throb, laying useless at his sides. He still wants to move, he wants to crawl away, to heave his body away from the man that he knows will only bring more pain, but he can’t. Even unrestrained, he can’t move.

“Did you really think I was going to let you off that easy, hm? Just a little time in the dark? Poor stupid thing; you’re not close to done.”

The man’s arms dig around him and lift him bodily from the floor. He can’t help but sob; couldn’t stop even if he tried. He’s aware of every inch of his body, the aches and hurts and deeper pains that radiate from them. His consciousness is a spinning, swirling, intangible thing that Nik couldn’t even hope to grasp. There’s nothing outside of this moment. No understanding that the pain will eventually end, no hope for comfort, no ideals of a better time. Only pain that radiates with each breath and the general motion of being dragged to another room.

To the workshop.

He’s dumped on the floor as the Sorcerer moves to gather the items he needs. Nik’s lungs are burning, his throat feels tight and pained. He tries to heave for another breath, tries to focus on the cold stone here. It’s familiar, having spent so long laying upon it, wishing for death.

His fingers twitch, and he nearly begins to cry a new. They twitched, he moved them. It’s the first inkling of movement, of control that he’s felt in so long. The slightest movement, maybe not even visible to the unknowing observer, has become the only glimmer of light he can even fathom.

Before he can try to move farther, a loop of rope is circled around his neck. It doesn’t cinch, but pulls upwards. He coughs, the rope pressing on his windpipe, and hands come to help guide him to his feet. He’s shocked that he can stand at all, considering the weariness and shaking of his legs. The rope around his neck stops rising, but keeps taunt. He either stands or chokes, and it feels like no matter what he does they will both happen.

After a moment to balance himself, his hands are grabbed and tied in front with yet more rope. They’re pulled down, the rope attaching to the ground and adding more strain around his neck. Breathing is difficult, standing is difficult, everything hurts and is too much - but also there is nothing surrounding him, nothing that he can recognize and use as an anchor.  It is too much and not enough, all at once.

The hand lights around his neck again and he whimpers.

”Do you know why I can do this to you? Because you’re mine.”

Nik shuddered. He could feel another hand roaming over his back as the other continues with the horrifically gentle motions on his jawline. No matter what he does, no matter what he tries, he can’t escape. He knows. Knows that there is nothing for him to do now but suffer.

A thought forms on the outside of his awareness, a fleeting bit of logic that tells him he’ll go back, he’ll be returned to the little sprite, that things will get better.

It’s gone before he can really believe it.

The hands retreat and he’s torn. He’s thankful, grateful that they’re no longer on his skin and touching him, but he misses them at the same time. They were grounding – real, when nothing else feels real right now.

The first lash across his shoulder blades shocks him, knees buckling with the surprise and sudden pain. A strangled keen fills the air, but it’s choked off by the loop as it presses into his throat. Hands reposition him, and something else. A clink against his wrist and a faint feeling. So very faint, but noticeable. Just a little more of his magic is accessible, just a fraction more. But it’s enough. It’s enough to give him back a bit of strength and stand.

To continue to be tormented and tortured.

The next lash mirrors the first. The third crosses them both. Another, then another, and another. Nik cries out for each one, but his voice is so broken and rough from unuse that it feels as if there’s glass in his throat. It burns and cuts like the whip, cutting him open.

When the whip does stop, he’s fighting for every breath. He needs the air desperately, but the shift of his back is unthinkable. He needs the air, but the cost is high.

“You’re mine, little forest creature. Only mine. Others may look, might even be allowed to touch, but you’re mine. Your tears are mine, your blood is mine. Your magic, your life is mine.”

Nik’s chin falls to his chest, unable to keep it up any longer. He’s waiting, waiting for the familiar feeling of buzzing under his skin. Of the emptiness that comes with his magic being drained away. The Sorcerer is predictable - is greedy. He wouldn’t leave this opportunity to get such misery tainted blood that he could use on his enemies.

So Nik waits. Wait for the relief that the numbness brings.

He waits, and waits, and breathes and regrets the motion it brings, and waits. But nothing. No relief, no emptiness to take the pain away; even for just a little bit.

“How long do your kind live, I wonder? I’m sure longer than us. Well, normally,” the man chuckles, cupping the boy’s cheek to lift his head. He admires the blood that stains the blindfold, the intricate looking sash that the boy had made. Cute designs.

“How long will you live? Kept in the dark away from your precious trees, your lifeblood being taken from you drip by drip?”

Nik shivered as the man tilted his head side to side. The touch was more invasive than the words. It was nearly impossible to focus, to grasp any information being presented to him. The words themselves didn’t sink in, but the air of possessiveness needed no words.

Nik got the message.

“I’m sure more than long enough. Besides, once I gain more control over these idiots who call themselves Kings I’ll find somewhere better for you. Just as secure, of course. Would you like that? To be kept outside someday?”

The man’s fingers traced the edges of the muzzle and Nik felt himself crumbling. Slowly falling apart; past what he ever thought he could be. Pieces ground into dust under the man’s shoes.

“Who knows; you might even outlive me. Doubtful, but possible. Fear not, little thing, I’d find someone to take you if that happened. There’s power in a weapon that no one else has. Power is using it to keep people in line and fight to get their own hands on it.”

He sighed. “You’ll prolong my life, this I’m sure of. Shame it’ll drain yours, but I’m sure you understand. There’s an order of class, of importance in life. Some things are just not quite as important.”

Nik was crying again. Please. Please take the pain go away. Just for a little bit; please. Please. Take it, take it I don’t want it anymore. Just let me fall asleep, let me escape this if only for a little bit.

The man took no notice of the way the boy in front of him trembled and shook, instead focused on carding through the dark hair. It was dry, graying slowly from the roots. Interesting. Worth getting a sample from later.

He reached back and undid the knot behind the boy’s head, drawing away the blindfold. Nik squeezed his eyes shut in fear. The Sorcerer brushed over his eyes with the pad of his thumb, wiping away the tears and crust that had formed after so long.

“Now, are you ready to behave again?”

Nik whined and nodded the best he could, trying to look up at the man. He didn’t want to see the smirk, the glint of possessiveness in the man’s eyes, but he very much wanted to see something. Anything. Anything at all.

The Sorcerer admired the eyes; a dull yellow instead of the shining, strong gold he saw that first day.

“Good. Then let’s put you back where you belong.”

~

tagging @welcome-to-the-whumpfest @as-a-matter-of-whump @thehopelessopus @luminouswhump @lonesome--hunter @pepperonyscience @insanitywishes @redstainedsocks @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @whump-me-all-night-long @susiequaz12 @mnmlover2002 @whumpeesblog

Plz let me know if you wish to be added or removed from the taglist! Also thanks for waiting lol. 

[elizas-writing]

When Wish Fulfillment Fantasies Meet Reality: A Re-Examination of Twilight

 **CW/TW: The following piece discusses dating violence with brief mentions to sexual assault and self-harm.**

This year, the last Fifty Shades movie finally came and went, and as its popularity slowly morphs into a bad memory for pop culture, I’m thinking again about the fiction’s effect on reality, particularly wish fulfillment fantasies, self-insert stories, etc etc.

This train of thought began with the Twilight series after watching Lindsay Ellis’s video essay, “Dear Stephenie Meyer,” where she revisits the hatred surrounding said franchise. While it’s definitely not without serious flaws, Twilight was not really as bad as people made it out to be. And most of the criticism was solely about millions of young girls and their moms liking a thing because, what a shock, our society tends to hate anything feminine. I was definitely one of those teenage girls who wanted nothing to do with Twilight, surprising no one probably. Even though I had enough plot summary from friends to pick up the actual problems of the story, I just had fun hating it for the sake of hating it and disassociating with anything feminine because I was neck-deep in my weeaboo phase.

Cut to about seven years later, I took a Vampires in Pop Culture class and Twilight (the first of the series) was on the reading list. With a more mature mind, I sat down, read it, and yeah, it really was not as bad as I thought. Yes, Bella’s too one-dimensional, Edward’s still pretty creepy, and the dialogue and prose is at best, ridiculous and at worst, stale. It knows its target audience is tweens and reads as such, which unfortunately doesn’t grip me as an adult. I gave up at the baseball scene cause I was ready to gouge my eyes out if I read one more description of the weather. And give credit where it’s due, the side characters have way more fascinating stories than Bella or Edward, and it’s a shame Meyer didn’t take a chance to further expand them instead. I couldn’t find much to be angry about with the first book, and I was honestly more bored than anything. But I also cannot deny the wish fulfillment fantasy driving the narrative which drew in a large audience all those years ago.

And wish fulfillment is fine. Self-insert is fine. Teenage girls are just figuring out what confidence is, and there is some reassurance in a fantasy where the totally out-of-league man of your dreams still finds you the most fascinating human being in the world and wants to give you all his undivided attention. Not every female lead needs to be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. I still see people write self-insert fanfictions from time to time, and they’re very sweet and tender to imagine being loved by a favorite character. We actually consume these stories more than we like to admit.

Hell, one of my favorite guilty pleasure films is The Princess Diaries. In many ways, it hits the same notes as Twilight. It’s a pure wish fulfillment fantasy where the main girl is smart, but clumsy and awkward and just wants to be invisible. Yet she finds herself on a whirlwind journey of self-discovery where others find value in her, and she even falls in love with a boy who adores her regardless of how she perceives herself. Yet The Princess Diaries is such a popular chick flick among people my age. So why is something like The Princess Diaries fondly remembered as an integral part of a millenial/Gen Z childhood while Twilight is met with disdain and disgust?

The major differences boil down to the main female protagonists: Mia and Bella. While not an overly complex character, Mia has, well, a personality. Her journey is more personal of overcoming her social anxiety and realizing how much she can contribute to the world as a public figure if she just takes the leap of faith. Getting a romance in the end is just icing on the cake when she remembers who was there for her even when she was the awkward nerd and will love her regardless of appearance or social status. It’s cheesy and hokey as chick flicks do, but it’s a satisfying wish fulfillment fantasy where the protagonist is better off than where she started and what she was looking for was right there all along.

With Bella, I barely know who she is outside of her romantic interests. Sure, the books go into more detail of her intelligence and social anxiety, but it’s never seen in film. Her life completely revolves around her relationships to the point of obsession, but we never almost see what she’s like when not caught up in the supernatural love triangle. And unfortunately, it’s a problem which worsens with each sequel. The Twilight franchise frames romance as something Bella can’t live without to the point of shutting herself in for months when the Cullens leave in New Moon, refusing to talk to her friends and family, and getting night terrors. It’s intended to make you feel sorry for Bella, but her backwards priorities make her completely pathetic on how much of her life she misses because of some boy who didn’t hesitate to cut her from his life, and she was totally fine with him leaving if he didn’t turn her into a vampire.

Prioritizing unrequited love over your own well being is such an unhealthy idea to romanticize because there is far more to life than some dumb boy who won’t return your feelings. I saw my fair share of unsatisfying romances in young adulthood hanging on by a thread for some idealized love that’s never going to happen. Even though a break up is the simplest and most effective solution for both people to take care of themselves, they continue wasting their time being unhappy with each other and latching on to the rose-tinted view of how they first fell in love. I know some people don’t like the idea that you have to love yourself before someone else, but there’s still truth to the saying where you have to understand that being in a romantic relationship will not automatically fix all your problems and guarantee a happily ever after.

Aside from getting married and having a baby which almost kills her during pregnancy, Bella doesn’t grow as a character or develop any personality, and she just gets her happy ending anyway. The Volturi hint that Bella is special because she’s unaffected by vampire powers, but that detail is shuffled to the sidelines to get more of Jacob and Edward butting heads on who she’ll choose. Most of the story’s events are outside her control and she doesn’t explore further into what they mean about her being special, and even her turning into a vampire-- not even of her own volition, but as a last ditch attempt to save her while dying in childbirth-- doesn’t change that much about her except now she’s immortal and she can bang Edward without getting knocked unconscious again.

I know Twilight is commercial romantic fiction meant to go in one ear and out the other, but it’s still such a damn waste of great lore and  build up with no pay off. And Bella is such a bore of a protagonist to follow the entire time even for a blank slate who is meant to be easily identifiable for teenage readers. Again, not every female character needs to wield a sword or be flawless at everything they do, but having an engaging arc is the simplest bare minimum when writing your story’s protagonist. But that got lost in drawn out weather descriptions and, of course, the unhealthiest romances in fiction.

In a 2013 interview with TIME about her book, The Host, Meyer says she never thinks much about if her protagonists are good role models because “it’s fiction... I don’t think you should be using fictional characters as role models.” To that, I strongly disagree and am rather surprised to hear from Meyer given the great battles of Team Edward vs Team Jacob as each of the films released in theaters. Granted, this is an old interview, and I don’t know how much her opinion changed, but it still irks me.

Whether you like to admit it or not-- especially on the wonderful world of Tumblr.com--, fiction affects our reality. It alters our perception on politics, race, gender, lifestyles, and yes, even romance. Especially as kids and teenagers, we can’t help but find role models to base our ever-changing identities on and look up to so we can be better people for ourselves and society. It’s the reason why so many people define themselves on what Hogwarts house they’re in, why Disney milks Star Wars as long as they can, and why black communities arranged trips for everyone to see Black Panther. And unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to say Twilight is completely harmless in how it portrays the romances.

Just type in any search engine about abusive relationships in Twilight, and you get millions upon millions of analyses on how Edward and Jacob check off as abusers. They’re controlling, aggressive, easy to become jealous, and lacking any notion of personal boundaries. However, one abuser often forgotten in this conversation is Bella, who is such a despicable, emotional manipulator.

Remember how ridiculously depressed she gets in New Moon when Edward leaves? Well, she starts seeing visions of Edward checking in on her whenever she seems to be in danger. And she gets the bright idea to keep purposefully doing so-- including hanging out with shady gang members, crashing a motorcycle and jumping off a cliff-- just to get his attention and hopefully coax him to return to Forks. I’m surprised she didn’t just straight up say “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” because it’s such textbook gaslighting. And when Edward is led to believe Bella died, then he attempts suicide! And she’s seriously surprised he would given how much needless self-harm she did over the months? What else did you think was going to happen?! I can’t even laugh at some of the badness of New Moon because Bella’s toxic behavior leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. Her severe romantic dependency went from being a damsel-in-distress to an abusive, emotionally manipulative screwball. And that’s just scraping the tip of the iceberg, folks.

Upon actually watching all the films for the first time, Edward’s behavior isn’t nearly as bad as my first perceptions when I was in middle school, but his possessiveness and lack of personal space are still incredibly uncomfortable. I know we all wrote that fanfiction where person A gets saved by person B from attempted gang rape, but Edward is so overbearingly and exhaustively protective, and it just gets worse in the sequels up until Bella’s finally transformed into a vampire. It is to the point where he hardly trusts Bella to do anything by herself knowing how massive of a klutz she is, and will pop into her home without permission, warning or respect of her personal space. As such, she never grows independence, much less learn how to protect herself or be prepared when supernatural forces come for her while the Cullens leave.

Edward may have good intentions to think of Bella’s safety with the context of other vampires mercilessly killing humans in Washington state, but he’s also on a slippery slope of controlling nearly every aspect of her life, especially when she might start feeling romantic for someone else, because guess what dude? You left for over half a year. This continuing behavior throughout the series heavily contributes to Bella’s unhealthy dependency on a romantic partner to the point where she feels like she can’t live without them. Granted, that doesn’t excuse her emotional manipulation, but because she never learns self-defense on the off chance no one else is there to save her, it’s no wonder why she has severe issues with separation and loneliness. Like I said before, you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship if you think it’s going to automatically fix all your problems. Your romantic partner isn’t your therapist or coping mechanism, especially if you can’t handle a simple break up or if said partner wasn’t even that great to begin with.

You’d think Jacob would be off the hook since he at least doesn’t watch Bella while she’s sleeping, but he’s not escaping unscathed. Despite how the series tries to explain what imprinting is, it’s glanced over so quickly on the now creepy relationship between Jacob and Bella’s daughter, even all things considered for a rapidly growing vampire child. He also has a ton of aggressive tendencies as part of the werewolf gene to the point where he will inevitably hurt Bella-- as illustrated with another pack member’s live-in girlfriend who has scars across her face--, and has zero respect for consent as he forcibly kisses her on multiple occasions. Yeah, cause painting your Native American characters-- and only prominent characters of color-- as inevitable, aggressive predators sure is good representation and definitely not some awful racial stereotype. Jacob embodies the most basic descriptors of toxic masculinity between his sense of entitlement that Bella should choose him over Edward and the “boys will be boys” mentality as though Jacob is completely incapable of any self-control, werewolf or not. Given the recent news surrounding Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination and his defenders claiming “what boy hasn’t done this” and that he shouldn’t be punished for his actions as a young man, Jacob’s character is one of the most dangerous aspects of the series to be romanticized as a wish fulfillment fantasy. He’s not only based on gross racial stereotypes, but also on harmful patriarchal ideas of men thinking they’re entitled to women without any consideration to their autonomy. Normalizing this behavior as attractive qualities in a partner allows men to run from their actions without consequence.

And this toxic masculinity only heightened when Fifty Shades of Grey entered the spotlight for pop culture to bash, but had much more legitimate criticisms to garner hatred.

Fifty Shades of Grey changes up the wish fulfillment fantasy where instead of a vampire, the clumsy and awkward female lead, Anastasia Steele, is swept away by billionaire, Christian Grey, who’s happy to spoil her with grand luxuries but has a troubled past which makes it difficult for him to love. Oh, and he’s into BDSM and writes up a questionable contract for Anastasia on all the kinky shit he wants to do. And Anastasia is so sweet and innocent she doesn’t even know what an anal plug is (like, it’s right there in the name, sweetheart. You can’t be this dumb). As you do, things go wrong, they take a break, Christian dumps his tragic anime backstory on Anastasia as a pathetic excuse to apologize, people from his past show up because reasons, and they eventually live happily ever after, married with a baby on the way.

Not only does Christian hit the same abuser red flags as Edward, Jacob and Bella on top of being the worst dom in history, but the series passes off that anyone can be fixed with the power of love. Once again, your romantic partner isn’t your therapist. Trauma may explain his behavior, but that doesn’t excuse what he put Anastasia through, and neither is it suddenly her job to fix him. And abusers like Christian are never reformed so easily with love; more often than not, they use it as leverage to manipulate and keep the relationship going for the sake of control. Sure, it sounds hot to be in a BDSM relationship with a billionaire ready to spoil you, but do the ends really justify the means of that sweet wish fulfillment? Is it really that great of a fantasy to play your partner’s therapist and humor their extreme control and possessiveness to the point where you’re almost not allowed to be an individual?

It’s one thing to have guilty pleasures and wish fulfillment fantasies. But after a while, you wonder what it is about a certain piece of media which makes it a guilty pleasure. It’s one thing if Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are guilty pleasures in some of the enjoyably bad writing, unnatural dialogue or squandered potential. But upholding these romances as ideal and disregarding all the blatant warning signs of abusive relationships? That’s where we really need to take a step back and wonder why this is remotely okay to normalize, especially for impressionable teenage girls. Even though I was mostly amused by the films’ bad writing and these poor actors pushing through for their paychecks, there was also a fair amount of content which was too uncomfortable to laugh at-- Bella’s emotional manipulation, the portrayal of werewolves, and the unsubtle anti-abortion message in Breaking Dawn: Part 1 just to name a few. It’s baffling how these properties became cultural phenomenons for their “romances of the century” when most of these character really need couples’ counseling.

Thankfully, these franchises didn’t made too lasting impressions and for the most part are forgotten. Stephenie Meyer quietly retired to continue taking care of her kids, and EL James just kinda disappeared from the media spotlight since the last film released. Maybe Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey aren’t the worst series to happen to mainstream media, but they still heavily reflect a society which to this day hesitates to call dating violence what it is. Where finding love in another takes priority over self-care. Where people still struggle to define abuse because “if that’s abuse, then everyone I know has been abused.” Where despite sexual assault survivors’ testimonies, polygraph tests, supporters, and grueling mental exhaustion to tell their stories, their abusers roam free without consequence and are still allowed power with their nasty holier-than-thou attitudes to silence anyone who dares question their character.

We’re slowly getting better in these kind of fantasies for teens with films like Love, Simon and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before with genuinely health romances where the characters have to confront their flaws and grow. We’re a lot more critical of relationship dynamics in film than we were over a decade ago, especially with #MeToo in the last year. But part of me is still worried if we’ll have another trend like Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey where it’s blindly defended because it’s fiction and disregard when people romanticize the severely problematic elements which don’t guarantee happily-ever-afters for couples’ in reality. As the possibility of reverting to pre-Roe vs. Wade days becomes more of a likelihood, at what point do we finally acknowledge that a simple fantasy isn’t automatically above criticism?

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[just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi]

Permission - Nik

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CW: fear of dubcon/noncon, conditioning, manhandling, prolonged strangulation, brief suicidal idealization (better off dead kinda thing), brief vomit mention, 

Nik had never been ashamed of crying. It was a natural response, so why should he be? Before, he hadn’t really cared if people saw him cry.

Now, he had more reason to cry than ever.

He laid curled as small as he could. Back in his cell, he was miserable and shivering. His skin was still flush and sensitive, but he felt lightheaded and cold from blood loss. His back was the worst of all; he knew from when he reached back and his fingers found strips of his own skin. The feeling of the thick strips in his hand made his stomach curl, but he didn’t dare let himself vomit. That would surely be worse. He laid on his side, holding himself tightly. It was a hell of impossible opposites, both freezing and burning simultaneously.

No, Nik wasn’t ashamed of crying, he was ashamed of the thoughts that came with the crying.

He wished it wasn’t him. He wished that someone else would have stepped up to protect his people. Kia was so much stronger than me; she wouldn’t have given in so easily. She wouldn’t be this shivering, trembling mess. She would have been better at this. It should have been her.

He pulled himself away from that train of thought. No, he couldn’t think that way. He could never wish this pain on anyone else. 

Anyone else but the vampire, he thought as he bitterly held himself tighter. His chest was still bare, but the cold stone felt, well, not good but better, on his bruised and battered body.

No, he would never wish this on Kia. She deserved to live her life, to be the person that they both knew she could be. They had been friends since childhood, and he thought of her like a sister that he never had.

Besides, humans were known for their… appetites. Either I’m not His type or that’s still yet to come. His mind was cruel, forcing scenes to the front of his mind without his permission. Scenes that flooded his system with fear and made him pull himself so close to never feel so exposed again. No, he needed to get away from this train of thought, too. Nothing had ever been suggested or even implied.

Even if it had, he would give himself every day so Kia would never have to.

Breathe in, breathe out, Nik coached himself. If there was no one else there to give him comfort, then he would do it himself. He focused on his breathing and let exhaustion take him.

When he woke again, he could feel his arms and legs again. He smiled, until the pain started to register. They were just as bruised and sore as the rest of him. He wished the numbness would have lasted until his body wasn’t so damaged. Just a bit of reprieve, please.

He flexed his fingers carefully and weighed the options. He knew healing spells. He could make himself feel better. How much is left in me? he thought. He had never needed to ask himself these questions before. There were limits to what he could do, but he had never even considered it before. He sighed. Last time He went to far, I stopped breathing. He looked at the dark, cold, removed cell around him. Maybe that’s not so bad.

Painfully, Nik pushed himself to a sitting position. As unsteady as he felt, he didn’t dare brace against a wall; not with his back in this condition. He winced as he pulled the bandage away from the cut on his arm. It was deep, but not to the bone. He pulled the words from his mind, mouthing them lightly. His eyes fluttered and he began to massage his palm. Soon, light pooled in his palm. He laid it against the wound, and waited for it close. He felt the skin pull together and go taut with a comforting warmth.

Another source of light caught his eye. The cuffs. The cuff on his left arm was glowing threateningly, pulsing and slowly warming. Before he could register what happened, pain seared through his body. He cried out and fell back to the ground. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.

A blink, and the Sorcerer was looming above him. He lightly tapped the cuff on his own wrist against Nik’s, and the pain stopped instantly. It was abrupt, and Nik felt off balance as a result.

“How dare you,” he screeched as his hand wrapped around Nik’s neck. Nik’s hands flew to his neck, to scratch and fight and breathe, but they accomplished nothing. The Sorcerer lifted him by his neck so only his bare toes grazed the floor. Panic set in. His breathing was shallow and restricted, every breath hindered by an iron grip. He scrambled to try to get his feet under him.

“Listen to me very carefully. We made a deal. You are mine; all mine. Every part of you, from the hair on your head to the blood coursing through your veins belongs to me.” His eyes drilled into Nik’s wide, panicked stare.

“You heal when I want you to heal, you bleed when I want you to bleed. You breathe,” the hand around Nik’s neck closed, crushing his airways. Nik scratched and kicked and fought, but his vision started to grow hazy. His head pounded and his legs grew weaker and weaker. He tried to plead, to beg. The vampire had once called him well-spoken, perhaps Nik could convince him, but the grip was too tight. 

He could feel just how crushed his airways were as they pulsed with his heartbeat. He pleaded with his eyes; the man had always seemed to like his eyes. 

Nothing. No pity, no mercy. His hands and feet grew still as his vision got darker and darker. Surely, he wouldn’t let him pass out; would he? Nik’s last coherent thought was overpowered by raw, animalistic panic.

Nik gasped awake, held by his shoulders to the wall. Before the open wounds on his back could rear in pain, his throat cried out. Even without the hand, it was still partially closed and painful. Gasps of dry air might as well have been glass, shredding and tearing through his throat.

“Did I say you could breathe?” came a voice. Nik’s head spun and ached. He couldn’t even form words in his mind. The hand returned to his neck, and Nik’s body went rigid. The grip, the pressure on already damaged skin was unbearable. Nik’s body burned as already exhausted muscles fought again for survival. Darkness came quicker this time, but it still came.

He gasped awake again, hazy and unfocused. He was still pinned against the wall, but he felt as if he was floating. His body didn’t register; not pain or cold or even discomfort.

“Again, you insolent creature; did I give you explicit permission to breathe?” Nik’s mind shot back as the hand laid against his throat. Please, no, please, no no no. I can’t, I can’t, please I need to breathe, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Nik’s mind protested, but none of the words could make it to his lips. 

Fear and panic overrode his system, taking control away from him. Instinct kicked in, but a different instinct this time. He pressed his mouth closed and held his breath. His heartbeat pounded through his skin. Surely the man could feel it? He can tell right? I’m not breathing. Please Gods let him know I’m not breathing. I’ll obey, please let me breathe. Please, I need air. I need to breathe.

“Good. Breathe.”

Nik gasped, taking in as much air as he could. He sputtered and coughed, filling his lungs as quickly as he could. His throat still burned, like the air was made of hot coals. A hand gently cupped the side of his face, sending a shiver down his spine.

“You’re mine. You follow my explicit permission. You obey me regardless of what your mind and body tell you. Do you understand?”

Nik moved to open his mouth, then closed it quickly. Is this a trap? Am I supposed to answer? Is a question explicit permission? His thoughts raced, trying desperately to figure out the right answer. There must be a right answer. He needed the right answer. His eyes flicked up to try and read the face of the Sorcerer to try and gather more information. At the furious glare, pure dread filled him as he realized he never gave any answer.

A fist knocked his head to the side, white exploding in his vision. His ears rung and drowned out the sound of his own body crashing to the ground. The ringing bore through his mind as a flurry of kicks broke his ribs and battered his already weak frame. His body tried to curl in to protect itself, but it was never allowed. When he finally snapped back to his body, his back was pressed down hard against the gravel floor. His back roared and seized, rising above the other pain that ravaged his body. He cried out, voice already breaking from use and fear. He could feel his ribs bend dangerously far underneath the boot that pressed him down.

“Why did you not answer me? You obey me! Tell me!”  

“P-P-Please, Sir,” his voice was broken and split, hoarse from crying out and strained from lack of use. “Y-you, you never g-gave me, ex-xplic-cit permission. I’m s-s-s-sorry”. Tears rolled down the side of his face.

The boot lifted immediately. Nik desperately needed to breath, but he tried to keep it shallow and unnoticeable. His eyes were shut tightly, as if not seeing the blows would make them hurt less.

A soft laugh. A hand cupped the side of his face again. Unsure of what to do, Nik remained perfectly still. No instructions, wait for instructions. Please god let me breathe. Please don’t hurt me again. I’ll obey. I promise; just let me breathe

“You’re not as stupid as those other creatures, are you? You are actually capable of thought.”

Was that a compliment? Was that good? No permission to respond, so he tried to stay as still as possible. He tried desperately to calm the full body trembles, but nothing worked.

Just wait. Just wait for permission and don’t move. Don’t move a muscle.

The Sorcerer wound a long strip of fabric many times over his eyes, keeping them closed tightly. A punishment for using his own magic to heal himself. That, and the beating he had received. Nik laid on the ground, exhausted and in pain. If he ever could have willed himself to pass out, to drift away into hazy darkness, he would have.

~~~

@luminouswhump @lonesome–hunter @pepperonyscience @insanitywishes