#(<- introject. sort of. it's a stretch. but it's there)

[phosphorus-noodles]

BIRTHDAY?

hii yes it's my birthday ^-^ (-peanut)

[dikiyvter]

cognitive assessment.

bold all that apply to your muse’s current mental state; italicize any that apply to your muse’s past mental state — repost don’t reblog !

tagged by: nobody tagging: n o b o d y

alcoholism: or alcohol use disorder ( aud ), is a broad term for any drinking of alcohol that results in mental or physical health problems.

amnesia: a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma.

anxiety: a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.

appetite loss: a reduced desire to eat.

binge eating: a psychological illness characterized by frequently eating excessive amounts of food, often when not hungry.

co-dependence: dysfunctional and maladaptive relationship reliant on another person’s dependence on the affected individual.

cynicism: an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self interest ( skepticism ), or to question whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile ( pessimism ).

defensiveness: the tendency to be sensitive to comments and criticism and to deny them. to constantly protect oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the go.

depersonalization: a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not belonging to oneself.

depression: a mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

derealization: alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal.

devaluation: defense mechanism used when a person attributes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities.

displacement: an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind substitutes either a new aim or a new object or goals felt in their original form to be dangerous or unacceptable.

dissociation: is any state of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences, such as a disconnect from reality.

drug abuse: the extreme desire to obtain, and use, increasing amounts of one or more substances.

dysphoria: a state of unease, or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

emotional detachment: an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, as well as coping with anxiety by avoiding certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as “ emotional numbing ” or dissociation.

flashbacks: an involuntary recurrent memory, is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of said experience.

flat affect: a severe reduction in emotional expressiveness. they may not show the signs of normal emotion, perhaps may speak in a monotonous voice, have diminished facial expressions, and appear extremely apathetic.

guilt: a cognitive or emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes — accurately or not — that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated a universal moral standard and bear significant responsibility for it.

hallucinations: an experience involving the apparent perception of something not present.

hypersomnia: or excessive sleepiness, is a condition in which a person has trouble staying awake during the day.

hypervigilance: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity.

hypochondria: ( also known as illness anxiety disorder ) is a condition in which a person is inordinately worried about having a serious illness.

idealization: the action of regarding or representing something as perfect or better than reality.

insomnia: a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. they may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. insomnia is usually followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, and a depressed mood.

intellectualization: a defense mechanism by which reasoning is used to block confrontation with an unconscious conflict and its associated emotional stress — where thinking is used to avoid feeling. it involves removing one’s self, emotionally, from a stressful event.

introjection: regarded as the process where the subject replicates in themselves behaviors, attributes, or other fragments of the surrounding world, especially of other subjects. cognate concepts include identification, incorporation, and internalization.

isolation: a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory characterized by individuals defending themselves from possible threats by mentally and physically isolating themselves. by minimizing associative connections with other thoughts, the threatening cognition is remembered less often and is less likely to affect self-esteem or the self concept.

low self esteem: a person with low self esteem feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent.

narcissism: is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. narcissistic personality disorder ( npd ) is a personality disorder in which there is a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of other’s feelings. ( sort of?? he doesn’t have NPD by any stretch of the imagination but he is a narcissist and it’d feel wrong not to bold this in some way. ) 

night terrors: also known as a sleep terror, is a sleep disorder, causing feelings of terror or dread, and typically occurs during the first hours of stage three to four rapid eye movement ( nrem ) sleep.

obsessive compulsion: obsessive-compulsive disorder ( ocd ) is a common, chromic, and long — lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts ( obsessions ) and behaviors ( compulsions ) that they feel the urge to repeat over and over.

panic attacks: a sudden overwhelming feeling of acute and debilitating anxiety.

passive aggression: a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish a required task.

paranoia: the irrational and persistent feeling that people are “ out to get you. ” the three main types of paranoia include paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia.

phobias: an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.

projection: psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. it involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

rationalization: a defense mechanism in which controversial behaviors or feelings are justified and explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner to avoid the true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable — or even admirable and superior — by plausible means.

regression: a psychological defense mechanism in which a person abandons age — appropriate coping strategies in favor of earlier, more childlike patterns of behavior. this regression is a form of retreat, bringing back a time when the person feels safe and taken care of.

risky sex: risky sexual behavior is commonly defined as behavior that increases the probability of contracting sexually transmitted infections, diseases, becoming pregnant, or making a partner pregnant. drug use is associated with risky sexual behavior.

somatization: the manifestation of psychological distress by the presentation of bodily symptoms.

splitting: ( also called black — and — white thinking or all — or — nothing thinking ) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.

sublimation: is a mature type of defense mechanism, in which socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are unconsciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long — term conversion of the initial impulse.

suicidal ideation: ( also known as suicidal thoughts ) is thinking about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. the range of suicidal ideation varies from fleeting thoughts, to extensive thoughts, to detailed planning, roleplaying, and incomplete attempts.

sleepwalking: formally known as somnambulism, is a behavior disorder that originates during deep sleep and results in walking or performing other complex behaviors while asleep. it is more common in children than adults and is more likely to occur if a person is sleep deprived.

suppression: the act of stopping oneself from thinking or feeling something. it is generally assumed ineffective because even if you suppress or hold back an emotion, like anger, that feeling returns with a vengeance.

thousand yard stare: a phrase often used to describe the blank, unfocused gaze of soldiers who have become emotionally detached from the horrors around them. it is also sometimes used more generally to describe the look of dissociation among victims of other types of trauma.

triggers: something that sets of a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of their emotional trauma. triggers are very personal ; different things can trigger different people. the survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that they think triggered the flashback.

trust issues: a person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. these barriers are often a person’s way of avoid the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

violence: the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation.

temper: a reflection of irritation or rage, a propensity to be angered rapidly.

[symptoms-syndrome]

Sometimes, because I know kids/teens are the way that they are, especially me in particular, it's hard to tell if I was telling the truth in my memories or like. Dramatizing. (Pls no reblog, likes/comments are ok!)

I don't have connections to my memories of school, they're sort of like watching a movie or reading a book. So I remember telling people things, but I don't remember if I was telling the whole truth or not. It's very possible I was lying; to seek attention, support, or just to feel more interesting. Which isn't necessarily bad of me, I was going through it and wasn't getting the support I needed, it would make sense for young me to stretch the truth in an effort to access higher levels of support.

Anyway this is all to say that I remember telling people (my school counselor in particular, I didn't tell my classmates, parents, etc. I'm fairly sure I told my therapist?) that I heard voices, had people in my head, that whole deal. I described someone who sounds like Seba (though I remember that voice refused to be named at the time) and I definitely knew that I heard Hestia, though I thought that was like. A religious thing because I was pagan at the time. I remember talking to a counselor about it, and him asking me if the voices told me to hurt myself (they didn't, I told him, and that was the truth. I told him they sometimes tell me when it's raining, and that they want to go for a walk, or they just chat. That's all the truth as far as I know?) I remember they told my parents I don't fit the criteria for schizophrenia, and that was it. No further testing beyond "not schizophrenia." (I had other psychiatric testing, but it was honestly bogus. They wrote that they were confused because I had "very autistic traits" and "didn't understand social cues" but I wasn't diagnosed with autism until I was 20, and they said I was narcissistic because I told them I have pain in my body and my parents won't bring me to the doctor? V confusing.)

I also know for a fact that I looked at blogs about DID in my teens. I don't remember for what reason, whether I was connecting dots or whether I just thought it was interesting (which would be funny, like that Simpsons meme "I just think they're neat") or what. But I know I looked at them a lot. I think I told myself I couldn't have DID bc I didn't have enough trauma (I didn't consider my parents to be traumatizing, I thought I just had trauma from a few bad incidents in my teens/preteen times)

I ALSO know that I identified as "kin" with a character that is an introjected part in my sys. I felt like I was him, I believed I was him, etc. Same with a creature I have a part of. I associated with a lot of communities where I didn't quite fit in because of those identities, probably because I wasn't actually kin at all.

I don't know. I'm just trying to connect dots from a childhood that feels 10 feet underwater. The therapist that diagnosed me said they thought I was a very obvious, almost textbook case. They said they were surprised I wasn't diagnosed earlier.

I wonder what I would be like now if I had gotten treatment earlier.

[chiropteran-hellfire]

Memories of Rebellion

I don’t often type my thoughts here, for many a reason. I’m rather private in working through my recollections and my followers I’m aware are most likely fans rather than following me for fictionkin related reasons.

However, if one is interested in listening to my vaguely confused ramblings about the Demon World’s politics, feel free to continue reading.

Recent events in this world have been reminding me with increasing severity glimmers of memories that I’ve had for years, but as I had nothing more to base it on dismissed them (as is often the case). I have many concepts arise in my mind, and picking through intrusive thoughts, imaginative wanderings and simple desire is an often delicate and slow process.

But the protests across the world currently have brought these memories back once again. This is not the first time, for I’ve had it for years previously, so I can at least rule out my mind simply introjecting current affairs into my perception of my past. But I know at some point the ‘Crow Clan’ was attempting to demand better recognition amongst vampires.

I’ve yet to figure out where I saw it, but it was on written paper. It may have been a newspaper, a private sent message via familiar or even on papers at some sort of strategy meeting. It’s still all incredibly vague, and I find it frustrating being unable to pin this down, which in part prompted me to type this out.

I know they were unhappy with their role in society, and they had been becoming more difficult to control over time. Rebellions in the past had often been quickly quashed, but it was starting to become more noticeable, causing a chain reaction of spreading to other pockets of ghouls and instilling more ideas of uprising among them as well. The ‘Crow Clan’ seemed to be more of a band of those who wanted recognition as equals, as they turned their original name of crows from one to mean servitude to one that encouraged rebellion.

I do not recall perfectly, as either they had no clan symbol before simply due to lacking that authority or they had one that was assigned to them as a form of ‘branding’. In either case, before they started demanding more recognition their symbol was barely ever seen by most vampires... or seen as worth paying attention to.

This new design was of a crow from the side, wings spread and head curled with an open beak as it’s feet were stretched out beneath it, grasping their choice of weapon - a polearm. I believe it was quite roughly painted with dry large brushstrokes in contrast to our more clean designs, but I’m not able to recreate that currently, so this is an attempt of what I do recall:

I was never particularly involved with ghouls myself directly. Ghouls were usually servants to the casual vampire civilian rather than for our family, we had familiars and other vampires work for us instead. But I can imagine that part of my role as the acting head of my family was to send a message to control the riots.

I’m currently unable to recall what action I took, though It’s quite likely I did reinstate threats of retaliation should they not behave via written statement. It would have been expected of me to and have reflected poorly on us not to make some sort of gesture, so running off of logical assumption it would be a fair guess to make. It would have been more of a political statement than any sort of actual genuine involvement on my behalf. I wasn’t involved in the trade myself, though I did attempt to at least have base understandings in most fields if I was to ready myself for the idea of running it one day. A future that never occurred, unfortunately. I’d also like to clarify, as I’ve had these memories since before reading Lost Eden, and have only read my own route from there, I’m unsure if any of this matches up to another’s timeline. It is however on my to-do list to check through at some point, but feel free to inform me if you believe any of this matches up to one in particular so I may refine my search.

Disclaimer: It shouldn’t need to be clarified but as I don’t trust the minds of humans I feel the disclaimer is required that even if I did attempt to enforce the class divide amongst demon kind within DL, in human form now it’s clearly more advantageous to work towards equality across all classes. I’m rather more exposed to an over abundance of empathy now in human form which I never had before. So it is best not to attempt to force human morals on demons, we simply have different physiology.

[thedigitaliscollective]

I’m going to tell you a story that goes along the course of one day. A day that ends with us not even knowing who we are at present. I’ll tell it partially through text messages, hopefully when I’m done we will have calmed down enough to go into our house.

Nightshade: From what I understand from C’s perspective, it wasn't a you thing. It was more an an anxiety thing where they get anxious about it breaking whenever anyone touches it, even themselves. And I talked to them about trying to take a breath to gather themselves and expressing themselves better.

And apparently D also had spoken to them right after it happened.

About how things are said and trying to think about tone/word choice

Just to let you know what happened.

Red: So I brought a ferret down and c wanted it they told me to give it to them and i told them I'd trade them for a turn on their ukalele

They told me that's something T (the person that Red is an introject of, the abusive one.) would do and then the other half of team rocket (a nickname Trys has for her child and their father b/c they always seemed to gang up on her, but it’s become a run on joke now)chimes in with that sounds like a spite thing

Im pissed I know I shouldn't feel these things but im pissed (Red is our emotional protector and is generally not allowed to have feelings on the job or really about anything even tho this has been happening more lately b/c emotional leak)

It's actually entirely fair there are 5 more ferrets upstairs they could walk their ass upstairs and hold one of them

I offered a trade that was all

That concludes the text messeges. So Nightshade got home from their errand and D didn’t quite lie but stretched the truth and that part of emotional and verbal abuse that includes crazy making, ugh we just left the house. We decided it was best if we just calmed down and removed ourselves from the situation. Nightshade was upset that we were leaving and started going on about “look your triggered and your upset” and a whole lot of other things that didn’t make sense at the time. Telling us we’re triggered isn’t going to do anything and we’re just going to keep proving the other side right if we don’t remove ourselves and sort out our emotions. We know that. They kept throwing their body in our way and blocking our way out. We eventually got in the car and drove it down the street and parked.

Yesterday we spent the day in trigger land because our father. The day before that we switched and I don’t even remember what happened, I don’t think i was the one out. It’s been a bad week. It’s really been a bad week.

[pluralprogramming]

I'm in the dress again today. (Ramble below.)

I feel pretty. I sort of wish we had some light makeup I could attempt to use. I like to stand in place and twirl. I really like twirling.

The dress either got stretched in the washer/dryer or we lost enough weight that it's long on us. But it's still comfortable.

Scream told me I looked good in dresses, I looked like I belonged in them. I, uh, I don't know what to make of that. But they said I seemed happier in them, so I should wear them more.

Gender is a complicated thing. Being an introject is a complicated thing. Being a transgender introject who is a different gender than your source is extremely complicated.

I wasn't like this in my past life, I discovered my femininity in this body. I was showering and enjoyed having a larger chest and curved hips.

I've taken Hugo up on his offer to, um, change me.

I feel bad for trans headmates in systems without architects with such abilities. I'm very fortunate, and I think just having this rare opportunity is what made me decide to take him up on it, as well as that, as I dress more femininely, I'm realizing I wish I had the body to match the clothes.

I'd like to have more defined hips and chest and a more feminine face, but the rest I don't care as much about. I'm keeping my height. I will be growing my hair out, maybe enough to braid it...

I don't know how I'll feel as the body transitions in the opposite direction. Talk of top surgery distresses me, but I don't care much about bottom. I don't care if we get hairier or our voice deepens, either.

Um, thank you, to anyone who's said nice things about me and my identity.

[heebiejbies]

Deranged: Brothers

Deranged Mini-Masterlist

Characters: Sehun, Xiumin, and Suho

Warnings: Some vulgar language, mentions of many forms of abuse, suicide, mental health issues, etc. 

Word Count: 6.5k

“Every time I think about Sehun I wish I had died with him that day, or that I had died instead of him. I failed as a big brother, I should have protected him. It feels as if his death was my fault, if I hadn’t been so stuck in my own misery I could have done something and he would still be alive today. The Sehun in my system is all I have left of him.”  

Oh Sehun - Introject alter. Age 23. Molded after his real life little brother Sehun, who died at the age of 20. After losing his brother, the introject alter appeared as a stand-in. Alter is not aware that he is not the real Sehun, nor that the real Sehun is dead.

Suho hadn’t mentioned a whole lot about his little brother. I knew the bare minimum of him, other than the fact that their parents didn’t touch Sehun, Sehun stood up for Suho many times while they were growing up, and that he died at the age of 20. The Sehun in Suho’s system was equally mysterious as the real. I’m assuming that, since he is a stand-in for the actual Sehun, he is every bit like the real one but he’s simply an alter. It puzzled me as to how the alter Sehun knew not of his true nature, being an alter instead of the real person.

Despite my knowledge on Suho, and as well as my knowledge from research done on the disorder, alters were still very peculiar to me. No matter how much I knew of those in Suho’s system, they still had this perplexing impression. Sehun was one of the most perplexing.

I have many questions about Sehun. How did he not know that he wasn’t the real Sehun? Has he truly had no doubts about himself—about his real identity? Just how long has he been in Suho’s system? If it’s been as long as the real Sehun has been dead, why doesn’t he know he isn’t who he thinks he is? Why is he seemingly the odd man out of the whole lot?

The first opportunity I had to speak to Sehun, all thoughts of figuring out where he fit in within my chart I made flew out the window. I made it my mission to find out whatever I could about him, my thirst for knowledge needed to be quenched and I wouldn’t stop until I was successful. However, I definitely couldn’t prepare for what I found out in that session.

“If I ask you to keep something from Suho, will you?”

“I can’t promise anything unless I know what it is that you are going to tell me.”

I watched as Sehun took a deep breath in and let his head fall back against the armrest of the couch. He had his fingers laced behind his head and his legs crossed. To any unknowing observer, he would look completely relaxed. I, however, knew that he was anything but relaxed.

“Our parents abused me just like they did Suho.” I nearly dropped my thermos to the floor when I heard his confession. My eyes were wider then than they had ever been before in my entire life. One sentence, nine words, one giant blow to my gut.

All I could muster up was a flustered, “What?”

Sehun sighed and lazily looked over to where I sat, “Yep, they abused me just like him. It wasn’t nearly as often as with him, but they still did it.”

They… What?! How does Suho not know about this? How did he never know that their parents abused Sehun as well?

“What Suho doesn’t know is that I have a different father. He was only three years old when I came around, so he was too young to remember. I have a different surname than he does, but I don’t think he has ever truly thought about it. Despite having different fathers, I love him just as much as a full-blooded brother.”

Okay, let me get this straight before I respond. Sehun is Suho’s half-brother, and he also suffered abuse at the hands of their mom and Suho’s dad? What extents did the abuse go to?

“Your parents, well, your mom and Suho’s dad… How far did the abuse go? Was it mental, physical, emotional, sexual, or was it all four?”

“Mostly mentally and emotionally, but a bit of physical yes.”

Hearing this new information about Sehun left me truly dumbfounded. Of course, I didn’t know much about him up to that point, but I never expected to hear what I did. Could it be that Suho did know, but the alter Sehun took away the memories of Sehun’s abuse and the knowledge of Sehun being a half brother? Even when he is unaware that he isn’t the real Sehun? Can alters do this without doing it purposely?

I took a moment to try and compose myself before continuing the session. “Suho has told me that they never laid a hand on you? How is it that he never knew of this?”

“I’m not sure,” He sat up on the couch and put his hands on his knees, “My best guess is that he never saw or noticed and if he did he pushed it away until he forgot about it. Who would want to remember their little brother being abused? I wouldn’t, that’s for sure.” He stood up and stretched his arms above his head, “I’m so tired today. I’m going to go home and catch up on sleep. I’ll be back early in the morning, though, (Y/N). See you then.” Minutes after Sehun vacated my office, I still sat frozen in place. I couldn’t form a proper thought at that moment, the small session with Sehun raised even more questions as to what alters could and couldn’t do. Questions that I didn’t know if I would ever find the answers for.

I went over to my desk and scrambled around to find the last thing I had written about Sehun.

Sehun has proven to be much like the other’s in Suho’s system and raise more questions than answers. According to him, he was also abused like Suho, it just didn’t happen as often as with Suho. He also said that he and Suho had different fathers. He didn’t go into detail about that, but the part that puzzles me is the fact that Suho seems unaware of these two pieces of information.

I believe that the alter Sehun played some role in the removal of these memories. The abuse of Sehun, them being half-brothers, and who knows what else he could have done. However, Sehun doesn’t know that he is not the real Sehun, so how could he do this? I know of those alters who have suppressed memories from Suho, but they are all aware of who/what they are. Sehun is a different story, he thinks he is the real Sehun.

Can alters unknowingly suppress memories from the host without knowing they did so? If so, how does this work? If Sehun was aware that he is an alter, this would be different. I could see him purposely suppressing those memories from Suho to help him. That isn’t the cause, though, and Sehun thinks that Suho simply doesn’t know about these cases or he has forgotten completely.

How do alters work is the question. If I am correct and Sehun unknowingly suppressed memories from Suho, what else could alters be capable of? Both those unknowing and knowing? For example, D.O. He’s probably the most aware of who and what he is, aside from Chanyeol.

Going off of my earlier worries and questions about D.O., could one of the things he can do be get rid of alters from a system? Such as Luhan and Tao? Maybe Kris?

Maybe I need to make Sehun aware as to who and what he is like I did with Lay. I’m afraid, though, that this could cause a stir in Suho’s system. I’d like to get Suho’s permission before telling Sehun that he’s simply a stand-in for Suho’s actual brother, though, so I will need to speak to Suho before tomorrow.

I put my pen down and moved over to my computer. I opened up my email and typed an email to send to Suho. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I left it as elusive as I could.

From: Dr. (L/N)

To: Kim Junmyeon (Suho)

Subject: (No subject)

Suho, I’m hoping you see this email today. Whenever you get the chance, I’d love if you could stop by my office today. If you are too busy or are reading this at a later date, that’s alright and I understand. However, I would like to see you today if at all possible. If you are stopping by, please let me know before the day is out.

My scatterbrained thoughts showed in the email. I also realized how happy I seemed to be over possibly seeing Suho later in the day. Yes, the reason as to why I asked him to come was a serious one, but I also wanted to see him. I wanted to catch up and see how he’s been. It felt as if we had grown apart since I have been trying to unscramble his system and sort through his alters. As unprofessional as it was to think, I didn’t want us to grow apart. We had grown close, and I didn’t want to give that up only because I spent much of my time focusing on his system and learning about it.

I didn’t notice how much the possibility of Suho liking me had rested in the back of my head. While I was trying to learn these new alters, fill in the blanks about the three allegedly dead ones, and figure out how Suho’s system works, I also found that I was trying to get to the bottom of Suho’s true feelings for me. Little did I know is that I needed to get to the bottom of my true feelings for him as well.

Suho emailed me back and said he would be able to stop by later in the evening, so I suggested that we go out to dinner first and then come back to my office to talk. We didn’t go anywhere special, only a small restaurant that I often went to for lunch. I noticed that Suho had this odd glow to his skin that I hadn’t seen before. He looked… Happier, healthier even. Despite the tired look in his eyes, he really did look better than I had seen him look in a long time.

“What has you so happy tonight, Suho?” He laughed at every joke I said and seemed to be giddier than ever. I had become so used to him having such drastic mood changes, but the entire dinner he had one constant mood—joy.

“I’m just happy to be with you, (Y/N). It’s nice to be out with you like this, I’m happy we are getting to spend more time together. You mean a lot to me, especially with how much you help me and how dedicated you are to doing so.” He laid his hand on top of mine, causing me to bite my bottom lip. He had never done this before, with physical touch of any kind he usually was shy. Even with things like hugs, he was extremely shy with them.

If that didn’t cross the line, then what happened after that surely did. We sat down together on the couch so I could talk to him about Sehun, a topic that had been weighing heavy on my shoulders the entire night. Whenever he would smile or laugh, I would feel a sinking feeling in my chest when I realized that he could possibly be crying by the end of the night. All because of something I did.

I held his hands in mine, my apprehension obvious by how much I kept stalling.

“(Y/N), you can talk to me about anything. What is it? Does it have to do with my system or someone in it?” Suho wasn’t a fool, that was clear. He already knew the general topic of what I had to discuss with him, but he wasn’t expecting it was about Sehun.

“Yes, Suho,” I found myself reaching my hand up to caress his cheek. I forced my hand back down and cleared my throat, “About Sehun…” All emotion drained from his face when he heard the name.

“What about Sehun? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“No, nothing happened. Nothing is wrong, it’s just that,” His eyes were burning holes into mine. I couldn’t look at him for another second so I stood up and walked away from him.

Suho, I’m so sorry… I’m supposed to protect you, but what I want to do could possibly make you more unstable than before. I don’t know how Sehun will react to the news, but if I know anything then it will not go well. I’ve come this far, I need to do this.

“Before I ask, I just want you to know that I think this is the best thing to do. I would never ask this of you if I didn’t think it would be beneficial for you. Please understand that this is for your benefit.” I wouldn’t look at him, I couldn’t look at him. Despite knowing him far better than anyone else (aside from those in his system) I didn’t know how he would react to me wanting to break Sehun of his false image of himself. I feared the potential sadness in his eyes, the pure sorrow that he could feel over me wanting to break the only thing he had left of his little brother.

“(Y/N), you’re scaring me…” He had come up behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. I brushed it off and stepped away from him once again. I wanted distance between us, so if he took this badly I wouldn’t be so close to see how hurt he was.

“Sehun, about him… I want to tell him who he is. I want to tell him that he isn’t the real Sehun, but I want your permission to do so before I do it.” The silence following my words made me know that I shouldn’t have mentioned it. I hesitated before turning to look at Suho, and as I guessed he had started crying.

Oh no, why did I do this? He’s crying, oh my god Suho please don’t cry!

“W-why?” As confused as he was, I knew that he knew it would be best. However, he didn’t know it at that particular moment.

“Please, don’t cry or be sad… I need to get to the bottom of this and I think telling him the truth will help the situation. I’m sorry that-”

“H-he’s my little brother! You can’t do that to him!” Not once had Suho raised his voice at me, he had never yelled at me before and I think that is what scared me the most.

“I can’t believe you would even ask that of me! He’s all I have left of Sehun! You can’t take that away from me! Why would you even want to do that?!”

“Suho, no, I don’t want to take him away from you. I only want to-”

“What?! What (Y/N)? What could hurting him and taking him away from me possibly do to help?” He started pacing around my office, running his hands through his hair and whispering undecipherable words to himself.

“Please, Suho, I’m sorry. Let’s just calm down and take a seat and talk about this.”

“No, no more talking! I won’t calm down! You won’t take him away from me and that’s final! I can’t believe you, I thought you wanted to help me.” He finally turned around and looked me in the eyes, he looked so heartbroken. His eyes were drowning in tears and he had a bit of snot running out of his nose, “I’m leaving!” He grabbed his coat and attempted to leave, but I grabbed him by the wrist.

“Suho, listen to me!”

“No!” He jerked his wrist out of my grasp and turned around with a finger pointed in my face, “You will never touch Sehun. You will never, ever touch him! That’s final!” He left me standing in my office, hating myself for what I had just done. I drug my feet over to my desk, his folder sitting on it was leering at me.

“Dammit!” I slung everything off of my desk; papers, pens, my computer, and a bag containing my laptop fell to the floor with a loud crash, “Why did I do that?!”

I hurt him. I fucking hurt him! How could I be so heartless? How could I hurt Suho? I had a feeling he would be hurt, but I still went along with it! Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!

I found myself crying because I hurt him like I did. I should have been more careful, or I shouldn’t have even asked at all. The things that he said to me, the way he said what he did, it stung beyond belief.

“I can’t believe you, I thought you wanted to help me.”

I do want to help you, Suho. I do, I really, truly do…

I knew I had to fix this, I had to fix this as soon as I possibly could. I got on my knees in front of the mess of my desk’s contents and sifted through everything to find Suho’s file. I opened it up and looked up his address, then ran out of my office to go find him.

His house wasn’t far from my office, he lived off in a more secluded part of town which probably helped when some of his alters still acted out badly. No lights were on, but I knew he had to be home. I ran up on his porch and knocked on his door.

No answer.

I continued knocking again, even if he was asleep at this point he would be able to hear my knocks. All sorts of possibilities ran through my head, and before I knew it I was looking around the front of his house for a spare key. After looking under the items on his porch, I found a spare key hidden under one of the rocks around his porch. I hurried to unlock the door and enter his house.

“Suho?! Are you in here?!” With no reply, I searched in and out of every room in his house. When I didn’t find him, I almost gave up hope. That was until I heart quiet sobs coming from a room near the back of the house. I twisted the doorknob slowly, finding him crouched in the corner of the room with his knees to his chest. His sobs were heart-wrenching, and knowing I caused them intensified that feeling.

I hurried over to his sitting figure and pulled his body onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my chin on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I can’t stand knowing that I’ve hurt you like this.”

He turned around and wrapped his arms around my neck. I let him cry for as long as he wanted, only rubbing his back and holding him while his tears stained my neck and my shirt. My heart felt as if it were being pulled in two, holding him brought me so much comfort but holding him while he cried his heart out pained me.

“P-please… Don’t let go.” He stuttered, the first words he spoke to me since arriving.

“It’s okay, angel, I will never let go of you. I have you, you’re safe with me.” Even though I’m the reason you are in this position right now.

He cried until he ran out of tears, then he simply sat in my lap and played with the ends of my hair. I decided to break the dreaded silence.

“Suho, I don’t think I can ever make up to you what I did. I’m sorry to ask that of you, I shouldn’t have done that. I would never want to take Sehun from you. He’s all you have left of your little brother and I know he means the world to you, I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.” I waited for him to respond, and when he did I never felt more relieved.

“I was never mad at you to begin with. I overreacted, and I’m not sure why. I mean, I know that I’m not too well in touch with my emotions but I didn’t expect me to react like that. I’m sorry that I said such horrible things to you, I didn’t mean them. I never intended on being so harsh to you, I could never be harsh to you… You’re like my savior, you’re the most special person to me outside my system and I love you for that.”

I wiped his tears away with my thumbs, then found myself kissing his cheek. I hugged him closer to me and held him tightly, never wanting to let him go.

“It’s been a long day, how about we get you washed up and you can go to sleep?” He nodded his head and then lead me into his bathroom. I could see Baekhyun coming out in him because he wanted to take a bath and he didn’t want me to leave the bathroom while he did so. I sat with my back against the tub as he took his bath, soon we sat in complete silence while he simply sat in the water. I heard movement in the bathtub and he wrapped his arm around me from inside the tub. Water dripped onto my shirt from his arm, but I couldn’t care less. How affectionate he was being, even if it seemed a little clingy, I truly did love it. I had to admit that, I loved it.

While Suho dried off and readied himself for bed, I found myself looking around his bedroom. His bedroom reflected his true self, it seemed as if none of his alters touched his room. I noticed a pile of books stacked neatly by his bedside table, he mentioned before how he liked to read when he couldn’t sleep at night. I picked up one of the books and flipped through a few pages until I came to a page with a paragraph highlighted.

Memories like those of sexual abuse have a life of their own. As fear-imprinted memories, they are not recorded coherently on a mental “videotape,” as factual memories are encoded by the thinking part of the brain. Incapable of thought, the tiny mass of gray matter called the amygdala shapes and stores traumatic memories in the limbic part of the brain, which processes emotions and sensations, but not language or speech. As a result, survivors of childhood abuse may carry implicit physiological memories of the terror, pain, and sadness generated by the abuse but may have few or no explicit factual memories to explain their flashbacks and feelings and sensations they arouse. They live with the repercussions of the event without having a narrative—this is what happened at this time at such-and-such place—to provide a backstory. Memories of traumatic experiences are not retrieved so much as they intrude. They pop up in jagged impressionistic fragments overloaded with sensations and emotions that can distort the details. The memory that abuse occurred usually remains over time—and is real.  

Then, another section was highlighted.

Adults who experience traumatic events are not as likely to dissociate memories of them as are children who experience trauma. Since a  child’s brain and central nervous system are too immature to process the overwhelming fear, pain, and excitement that repeated sexual trauma engenders, the younger a child is when the trauma occurs, the more likely it is that the event will be dissociated.

I remembered this book— “The Stranger in the Mirror: Dissociation – The Hidden Epidemic” written by Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall. A month and a half into knowing Suho, I gave him this book to read so he could have a better understanding of his condition and understand that he wasn’t the only person out there with the disorder. These were two of many excerpts from the book that he had highlighted. I assumed that they held some form of comfort and meaning to him, so I decided not to pry even more and I placed the book back where I retrieved it from.

After I placed it down, arms wrapped themselves around my waist and Suho’s head was resting against my back. I patted his arms and heard him hum, “It’s time for bed, Suho, you need to sleep.” He moved from me and laid in his bed. Curling himself up in his blankets and closing his eyes. I turned off his light and went to his bedroom door, then he stopped me.

“Can you lay with me before I sleep? Please?”

I’ve already crossed the line at this point, anything I do now shouldn’t be a huge deal because of that reason. I’m already in too deep.

I laid down in bed beside him, he turned over on his side to face me and smiled at me. As I took in every small detail of his face, my arms reached out and wrapped around his torso. I pulled his body against mine and he giggled in response.

“You’re really warm, (Y/N).” He nuzzled his head against my chest and started drifting to sleep.

“(Y/N)?”

“Hmm?”

“You can tell Sehun… I trust you. Just let him know I never wanted to hurt him.” That was the last thing he said before he fell asleep. I laid in bed with him until I was sure he was asleep, then I carefully got up from his bed and exited his bedroom. On my way out, I noticed a picture frame that was lying by a bookcase in his living room. I picked it up, glass spilling out onto the floor. I cursed to myself and went to his kitchen to retrieve a broom and a dustpan. I swept the glass up and disposed of it, then picked the frame up again to look at the picture. In the picture were Suho and Sehun together in a backyard. Suho had his arm wrapped around Sehun and he smiled widely, Sehun had a smile on his face as well. Suho looked to be no older than 12, so Sehun had to be around 9.

They looked so… Happy. Looking at this picture, you wouldn’t expect anything was wrong with either of the two… Wow.

I removed the picture from the broken frame and a fragment of it fell out. I picked up the fragment and examined it. It looked to be ripped from the photo of Sehun and Suho, so I laid in on a nearby table and put the two pieces together. A few feet behind the two brothers stood another boy watching the two. He didn’t look to be much older than Suho, so who was this boy? He wasn’t smiling like Suho and Sehun, no, in fact, he seemed to be watching the two of them. As if he were critiquing them or something similar.

Was he a childhood friend? Family member? Why has he been ripped out of this picture? Just who is this boy?

I pulled my phone from my pocket and snapped a picture of the photograph, then put it back in the broken frame and laid it on the bookcase next to where I found it.

Just like he said, Sehun came back the next morning. He sat down across from me at my desk and watched me as I finished writing.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I did, I slept better than I have in a while actually. Thanks for asking.” The entire night, I laid awake in bed trying to think of how I was going to break the news to Sehun. Even with him sitting right in front of me, I wasn’t 100% sure how to tell him. I knew I had to tell him, though, I had to at least try.

“Sehun, you know why Suho sees me, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know about his condition?”

“Which condition? The PTSD?” I assumed then that Sehun didn’t know of Suho’s disorder, nor that the others were merely alters inside of Suho.

“Well, no, he has another condition. I see him so often because of this condition. Have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder?” From there, I explained what DID was to him. He listened closely, nodding occasionally to let me know that he was understanding what I said. When I got on the topic of alters, he interrupted me.

“Why are you telling me this?” I picked up the folder I had on my desk and laid it in front of him. He opened the first page, his eyes widening when he read the first few lines.

“You’re telling me that my brother, Suho, has this disorder?” I nodded in response, then he continued reading. He brought his hand to his mouth soon after, “Oh my god…” He took a moment to take a breath in and then spoke again, “I’m… An alter?”

“I’m afraid so, Sehun… I’m so sorry.” I grabbed an article about the real Sehun’s death and gave it to him. His hands started to shake when he read the words of the article, tears started spilling from the corners of his eyes, “But… I feel like the real one… Why do I feel like the real one?” He looked to me for answers, but in all honesty, I didn’t know the real answer to his question.

“Sehun, your case puzzles me beyond belief. I’m going to be honest with you and tell you that I’m not sure why you feel as if you are the real Sehun. You read where you are an introject alter, an alter molded after Suho’s real little brother Sehun. I do believe that, to deal with his death, Suho’s mind created you so he wouldn’t feel so lonely. Which, you have helped him greatly. You are a very pivotal part of his system, he needs you. You are just as important to him as the real Sehun.” I then grabbed my recorder where I recorded Lay’s session where I told him about his real identity, “You know Lay, right? I had to break similar news to him. I’m going to excuse myself and let you listen to the recording of that. He asked many questions that you may be feeling, and if you have any others you can ask those once I return.”

Sehun thanked me as I excused myself. I waited around twenty minutes before I returned, and once I did Sehun did, in fact, have questions. I did the same as I did with Lay and asked him if I could record our session, to which he agreed.

“You said that I’m a stand-in for the real Sehun, how is it that Suho’s mind created me as a stand-in yet I was unaware that I was the real Sehun?”

“All of those in Suho’s system were created for a reason, and you were created because he couldn’t properly handle the death of his brother. You were created later than the other alters, you were created during Suho’s adulthood which is more rare than the others.”

“Suho doesn’t know about my—well the real Sehun’s abuse. How is that I know about it but he doesn’t?”

“What I think? I think that Suho did know of the abuse at one point, but when you were created he either pushed those memories to you and they were hidden from him or you unknowingly suppressed those memories from him.”

“Am I that powerful?”

“Sehun, like I mentioned earlier, your case puzzles me. I don’t know much about alters of your type, nor what they are capable of, but I do not doubt that you are that powerful. Alters are very powerful things after all.”

“So the others… Kai, D.O., Chen-”

“Are all alters, yes.”

“And Lay was the only other one who didn’t know?”

“Correct.”

“I’m sorry… I’m not quite sure what else to say… But from everything I know, everything you have told me, we can’t die without Suho being dead can we?”

“From my understanding now, alters cannot simply die while the host is still alive. They can perceive themselves as dead, but actually die no. Why do you ask?”

“But… This doesn’t make any sense! They are dead!”

“Who, Sehun? Who is dead?”

“They are! Tao and Luhan and Kris! They’re dead, I know they are! There’s not another explanation, there’s just-”

“Sehun, please calm down. You need to take a deep breath and calm down.”

“They are dead! I know they are!”

“No, Sehun, they are not dead.”

“Yes, they are! I know it! I… I… (Y/N), I’m so sorry. I… I don’t know. I need to leave. I need to get some fresh air. I’m so sorry, I’ll try to be back soon once I process this all. I’ll have more questions I know, but for now I just… Can’t.”

Sehun took the news of his real identity well, however he did not take the other news well. He didn’t seem to be able to understand the fact that alters cannot die as long as the host is alive, he seems to be another alter who thinks that those three are really dead as well. I’m at an impasse with Sehun at this moment, until he comes back with more questions I don’t know what else to say about him. I failed to find out what role he plays in Suho’s system and how he fits into the puzzle, but I know that I need to find that out quickly.

What role could he have in this? Maybe because he is an introject alter, he doesn’t play a role in Suho’s system like the others? There are so many questions left unanswered, and I fear that I may be running out of time.

Two days after my interaction with Sehun, I received an unexpected visit from Xiumin. He came in, looking as tired as he did the few times I’ve seen him before, and he wanted to talk about Lay.

“I know what you did for Lay must have been difficult, breaking news like that to him must have burdened you greatly. I’d like to thank you for how you handled it, though, and for the things it did for Lay. I’ve noticed improvement in his mood, he seems to be less depressed now knowing that he plays a significant role to Suho. You’re much like myself, Doctor. Always taking care of other people. Thank you, and also thank you again for taking care of Suho. It’s nice knowing that Suho has someone on the outside looking out for his wellbeing.”

“No need to thank me, Xiumin, I care for you all deeply. Even if I wasn’t Suho’s doctor, I would still care for you all greatly. I can promise you that I will always have the best interest of you all in mind with the things I do.”

Xiumin didn’t seem interested in talking about himself when I tried to get him to open up to me a bit more, in fact, he seemed almost afraid to tell me about himself.

“Xiumin, will you allow me to get to know you? I know the bare minimum of you, I’d like to know more.”

“That… That won’t be necessary, Doctor. I’m not that important.”

I had to be persistent despite him trying to discourage my efforts.

“Please, everyone in Suho’s system is important. That includes you.”

Xiumin sat there for a moment, possibly pondering his next response. He was a mystery like Sehun but for a completely different reason.

“Suho is like my little brother.” I looked at him to continue, and when he did it left me more confused than before, “Big brother is always watching. You've heard that before, yes?”

I nodded my head.

“The term is usually used in reference to the government, but in this case it is literal. Literal big brother is always watching.”

“But, you’re not his actual big brother, am I right?”

“Right you are, Doctor. I am like his big brother, his literal big brother is also watching. However, I am all that is able to speak right now.”

What does that mean? Literal big brother? Suho had an actual big brother? Why can he not speak?

Xiumin continued on with his ‘literal big brother’ talk for a few minutes, none of which helped me gain any form of information about what he actually meant. He didn’t seem to want to give me more information, or that he simply couldn’t give it to me. Trying to learn more about him went relatively nowhere, unfortunately.

Xiumin is another mystery to me, but he seems to either willingly be a mystery or a mystery by force. Which, though, is unclear. The way he spoke made it very hard to decipher if his words were his own or if they were influenced by another. I can’t imagine that D.O. has gotten to him and said something to him to make him stay quiet, Xiumin should know just as much as D.O. does, so D.O. should want to keep Xiumin on his good side.

Another thing that puzzles me, this ‘literal big brother’ Xiumin spoke of. Sehun is his little brother, I know that. I never heard of an older brother, though. Suho never even mentioned it, as far as I know, he was the eldest. Again, there are more puzzle pieces being dumped out onto the table just as I think I am making progress with this case.

I had secretly started recording Xiumin’s session when he started speaking of this ‘literal big brother’, and I had it playing out loud while I tidied up my office. I put files away and did a bit of dusting, then I sat down and paid closer attention to Xiumin’s words.

‘Xiumin, you are not making any sense with what you are saying.’

‘I know, Doctor. I know very well, but it has to be this way for now.’

‘What? Why? What are you saying?’

I unlocked my phone and a picture came up on the screen—the mysterious picture I found laying on the floor at Suho’s house.

‘I will only say one thing, Doctor. Remember this and please do try and keep this in mind. Sehun and Kris have more in common than what meets the eye.’ 

Author’s Note: I know I’ve been gone for a hot minute but ahh here it is! This one is a bit longer than the others but I needed to add in some Suho x Doctor interaction~

[clarasweets]

Get It Wrong || Solo

The ranch would have been Clara’s kind of scene at any other point in the year; people were milling around in groups, laughing happily and drinking glasses of champagne, getting ready to ring in the New Year with their friends and alcohol. There were a lot of metallic clothes and leftover Christmas sweaters and glitter and someone had Prince playing from their phone. Clara was pretty sure if she were in a better place that she would be making friends with these people, she would be dancing and flirting her way into free drinks. Her heart wasn’t in it though and she closed her eyes on the bench where she was perched, breathing in the scent of firewood and musk and trying to figure out when exactly her life had gotten so fucked up.

She was here on a trip with her friends but all she’d done since arriving was avoid all of them. Tess had insisted on a game night but Clara had skipped out on that after they’d had their fight because it had only made the realization more real that she’d been right about this whole situation: there was no way that letting the whole Alex situation take course naturally would result in them still being friends. Tess had become belligerent when Clara had asked about her feelings for Alex, defending the fact that her feelings were real despite the fact that she couldn’t give Clara anything concrete beyond a fantasy. Of course, Tess was naive and immature but she had never seen her friend so defensive and rude about anything. Normally, Tess was willing to do anything to make others happy but this situation had brought out the worst in both of them and it brought her back to the place where she just wanted everything to go back to normal.

She was about ready to, once again, start weighing her options when she felt someone sit down beside her. Clara tensed, hoping that it was some random stranger and not one of her friends. Trying to be nonchalant about it, Clara glanced to her side and saw that it was neither a friend nor a stranger. Isaac sat next to her, looking at her intently and she sighed once more, bringing her feet up on the bench so that her knees pressed against her chest. The silence seemed to stretch between them and it became obvious that Isaac wasn’t going to speak first and Clara felt a spark of annoyance. “I guess Tess told you about the whole situation goin’ on right now?”

Isaac was silent for a moment, taking the time to put his hands behind his head and leaning back casually, as though he had all the time in the world. “The little ‘love triangle’ you’ve got going on?” he finally answered, with a sideways glance at her. “Yeah. I’ve heard about it.”

It took all of Clara’s restraint to not roll her eyes; coming from Tess it probably sounded like an actual love triangle but the situation was more nuanced than that. The entire thing had sprung from Tess’s actions and questionable choices but Clara figured it was best not to start pointing fingers with Tess’s cousin. Besides, Isaac was a psychology grad student so he must have some kind of insight into the human psyche or whatever the fuck it was that was going on right now. “Yeah?” she responded, unimpressed. “What’s your take on the situation?” Maybe Isaac would be able to offer her some profound wisdom or thoughts that would make sense of the whole situation. Or at least give her an actual reason to act one way or the other.

"The way I see things, I don't think you were ever in the triangle.” At Clara’s questioning look, he continued. “You're Tess's best friend and you wanted to make sure that this guy was good enough for her. It's a classic case of introjection.” Isaac was watching her as he spoke and Clara felt slightly uncomfortable under his gaze. “What better way to make sure of that he was good enough than by introjecting her feelings for him?"

Isaac seemed to be watching her carefully, gauging her reaction to what he was saying but Clara honestly didn’t know what he was talking about. “Introjection.” She tried the word out, repeating it carefully so that she wouldn’t mess it up. She had a feeling this was something she should know, something they had talked about in class before but she had honestly only signed up for psych at the beginning of the semester because she knew Isaac was going to be the T.A. The material hadn’t seemed important at the time but Clara tried to bring up the memory now. Slowly, a vague recollection came to her and she gave Isaac a puzzled look. “You’re saying that I never really liked Alex?”

Isaac shook his head solemnly and continued speaking slowly, making every word feel like it held the utmost importance. “No. You just introjected the feelings Tess has for him for yourself. Maybe it felt real but...” He paused and gave her a look that almost felt like pity. “It never was.”

Confusion filled her with his words; what he was saying made sense in a distant kind of way but it didn’t feel like it actually related to her situation in any way. She knitted her eyebrows together, trying to work through his words but she was caught off guard when he reached out and took her hand, clasping it between both of his. “It happens a lot with cases like these,” he explained as he rubbed her hand in between his, still watching her carefully. “It’s hard to tell the difference between how you think you feel, and how you really feel."

It was hard to think with the warmth of his hands on her own; she’d been craving some kind of physical contact all day because she had been in such a shitty place but she had also been avoiding her friends. Isaac’s touch was the first act of comfort she’d had since being in Alex’s arms the night before. The thought made her doubt herself. She’d been so comfortable with him but if Isaac were right, then she’d taken on some sort of pseudo role for Tess who had never been comfortable with physical affection. All of Tess’s words from the year came flooding back to her, accusing Clara of not being herself, saying that the real Clara needed to be found again. Had Tess been right all of this time? Confusion swirled in her mind and she tried to free her hand from Isaac’s grasp because the friction was making her head fuzzy but Isaac simply linked their fingers together, holding her in place.

The room started to sway as everything began to catch up to her; how torn she’d been about the whole situation, her nerves and panic, her fear at losing all of her friends, the fact that she hadn’t eaten anything in days, the wine cooler she’d had earlier that day, the heat from the fire, and the strange way that Isaac’s hand felt both comforting and disconcerting at the same time. Clara couldn’t focus on anything and she was starting to feel like the one time she’d decided to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl five times in a row. She squeezed her eyes shut as nausea welled up inside of her and unwittingly clasped tighter at his hand. “Can this whole… Introjection thing have physical manifestations?” she asked.

She couldn’t see Isaac’s reaction but she felt him scoot closer. “Of course. Like any other feelings, real or otherwise, it can lead to destructive behavior and a lack of attention to your own needs.” Clara tried to process this but her head was still spinning. She felt Isaac slide his hand behind her, resting his hand on her lower back but Clara made no attempts to make him move. “It can also lead to depression and anxiety since the person experiencing Introjection is facing so much confusion about their real feelings. It can manifest with a lot of different physical symptoms.”

This was too much for Clara to take in and she kept her eyes firmly closed as Isaac rubbed small circles on her back with the pad of his thumb. She felt sick at the thought that she might have done anything to hurt Alex, even on a subconscious level, and she was suddenly grateful for the fact that she hadn’t eaten for a while. She was pretty sure if she had anything in her stomach it would be making a reappearance right now as guilt and worry swarmed her mind. An image of Alex’s face, sweet and gentle and kind, passed through her face and she knew she would never forgive herself if she allowed herself to get with him, only to later find out that it had all been some psychological joke. Clara spoke slowly, feeling as though she might get sick at any point. “What do I do?”

"You learn to stop introjecting Tess's feelings,” he replied, still circling his thumb on her back. “Anytime you start to feel what she’s feeling, replace it with something else.” It seemed that he was hesitating; the silence that followed felt heavy and deliberate it was several long moments before he continued. He moved closer to her once more so that his mouth was right near her ear and whispered in a deep voice. “I can help with that.”

That was enough to make Clara open her eyes, though she immediately regretted it. His face was annoyingly close, swimming in and out of her line of vision as vertigo threatened to consume her. She immediately snapped her eyes shut once more and took a deep, slow breath. “You can help with that...” she echoed, dully. He was clearly hinting at something beyond talking to her, beyond even the hand on her back or his physical closeness. “When I wanted to date you earlier this year, you said that we couldn’t because of age and ‘being at different places in our lives,” she stated. Her feelings for Issac were long gone but she was still curious about this sudden change of attitude. “What changed?”

“I’ve been watching you in class and I realized that you’re more mature than I thought,” he said in his steady voice. Clara could feel his eyes on her and she kind of wished he would give her some room to breathe. “Besides, we’re both adults so maybe the age difference isn’t such a big deal.” He flattened his palm against her back and rested his other hand on her knee, rubbing the material of her jeans with the flat of his hand. “I have to go chaperon some college activities. Make sure that there’s no underage drinking going on and that everyone is behaving appropriately.” Instinctively, Clara nudged her wine cooler behind her but Isaac laughed as he stood, letting his hand linger on her knee. “What’s a few hours between legal and not legal? You’ll think about what I said?”

Clara hesitated for a moment but eventually nodded her agreement. “Yeah,” she said. “I’ll think about it.” She watched as he walked away, feeling more and more nauseous by the moment. After a stunned minute where she tried to recap what had just happened, she took out her phone and sent Tess a text, apologizing for her actions earlier that day and claiming sickness as an excuse for not showing up to game night. She was tempted to ask her friend to come walk her back to the room; she really was light headed and she was afraid that she might end up on the floor but Clara quickly dismissed that idea. There was too much to think about and Clara was pretty sure she had a long night ahead of her.

[katherinemacbride]

beginning with a writing in with a writing around

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‘Why are all the texts about feminism?’

So you breathe and you let the comment pass and you wait and you hope that the act of doing this thing together will make things clearer and at the end she talks to you and you think she got it and you can’t be sure but you hope so.

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‘We talk about what happens when the body drops out of the conversation.’  

'when terrible things happen they must be witnessed’

‘My future is written on my body.’

‘the intimacy of scrutiny’

(carol gilligan, juliana spahr, alison kafer, audre lorde)

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‘I have selected different types of fragments for re-print, that I am putting in relationship with each other, as is often the case in my practice. So that the cumulative sum of these things, words, ideas, somehow proposes something that each part alone could not; through this I speak, not so much through an individual authorial voice, but also through a multiplicity of voices. To try to say something, I try to think, and find my position through collecting and navigating through material; I also try and make work that speaks in the same way, that works by articulating a complexity of material, explicitly in both form and content. Perhaps this is a way of doing things that creates close ties and connections between things, people, and myself, and that is something that more often than not has the feel of a friendship of sorts. I work by spending time with things I have collected, the references that I carry along, like friendly voices in my head, the numerous voices that are part of the process of thinking through and developing work — of friends, acquaintances and peers — but which also include the essential voices of inspirational thinkers from the past, that populate our thoughts and conversations and are in this way, also present.’ 

(celine condorelli) 

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if you can imagine it it becomes possible right?

(I’ve been hanging onto this one since spring since reading marge piercy’s beautiful future where reparations have been paid and everyone has three mothers and men lactate and resources are shared through a process of careful listening and the earth has a representative and difference is celebrated.)

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‘Reading:

Books are a companion species.

reading done generously and receptively and promiscuously, reading as submission, reading as non-monogamy and resisting the notion that we must be married to any particular thought style/theory/philosophy

reading as polyamory: haven't we all had so many lovers and don't we continue to yearn for more???

reading as insatiable desire, as taking in more than one, reading as being more than one

reading as scission, reading as torsion, reading as suture

reading as lust

reading as tactile, as fingering the pages with pleasure and anticipation, reading as eroticopolitics

reading as showing the fiction of the subject/object distinction and their relation of interplay

reading as entanglement, as ontology, as being with, as becoming, as world(s)ing, as dividual, as beyond the threshold(s), as touching feeling

reading as play and exchange, reading as willing, reading as vulnerability, reading as opening and stretching, reading as anality, reading as hole because there's no Whole, reading as non-sovereign, reading as virality, as contagion reading as transmission, reading as transference, as being both analyst and analysand, as projection and introjection

reading as being a bossy bottom: pleasure of text indeed’

(che gosset)

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He stopped and pushed back hard at the very moment you asked him to consider that his body was also merely possible and not actual. Come join the rest of us you fucker. And you, yes you, look askance then roll your eyes when she holds the mic and gathers her thoughts. The power of a pause.

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