#( the inbox call is live till morning because my brain is too tired to write atm )

[resolutepath]

This evening I have fed Lauri many prompts and received much content in return, cackled to myself while writing Qi Rong particularly and Shi Qingxuan (these two are both making the roster I'm calling it now, genuinely having too much fun) and persuaded Lauri to do a thing maybe dskfjhsdkf (this is half me hoping because of reasons - yes this is deliberately vague)

[lxvesickreality]

fix you

Request: Bucky x reader just absolute raging angst with the promise of a happy ending? ✨♥️

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide

Word Count: 1866

Add on: song being used is called Fix You by Coldplay 

gif is NOT mine, credits to owners

Please do not read if easily triggered by talk of suicide and dark pasts. If you are feeling in that way at all even if you didn’t read this, my inbox is always open and you can private message me anytime. 

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

You never had an easy childhood and you had no role models to look up to as you grew. Your parents got into a fatal car crash on the way to get induced to have you since your mother was almost two weeks past her due date. You almost didn’t make it because your mom was dying quickly. You were born on a street that 12 minutes away from the hospital and you were taken away from your mother the minute you came out. Your parents passed away that night. As you grew up, you were told this story by many social workers that made you jump home to home to live with foster homes. It devastated you and sent you to a dark place.

Many homes you grew up in weren’t very nice to you. When you were 8 years old, you were struck by the male figure in the house for not finishing your peas on your plate. He called you ungrateful, selfish, and even a bitch. You were sent to your room that was as small as a bathroom. Each time your social worker came, they put on a front and wouldn’t let them know you lived in a small room, not in the normal sized bedroom like they said. From 8 years old to 13, you lived in that place until you were able to get on the phone with your social worker to explain what had been going on. You left the next day to a different home. The next couple of years was like that until your 15th birthday. You found a home where they wanted you and made you feel welcomed by embracing you with open arms. They adopted you and gave you a better chance at an education so you can do what you wanted. You had everything you had ever wanted but something wasn’t right. You would try your damndest to show how happy and appreciative you were to find someone like them because you knew kids in the foster system either never made it out or stayed in a really bad home until they were considered an adult. You just missed your family.

You ended up in a really dark place by your 16th birthday. You caused your adoptive family a lot of money with the therapist and psychiatrist they provided you with. They knew how sad you were. Who wouldn’t be sad? What they didn’t know was you were depressed and developed PTSD along the way. Your psychiatrist put you on several different medications to help you stay focused in school, let you sleep properly, and feel okay for once. One day, you tossed and turned all night because that day was really bad for you. It was your birthday and though your adoptive family went all out for you, buying you a car and your own laptop so you could write down your thoughts, you were feeling weighed down. You felt sorry that you disrupted their lives and blamed yourself for it. You continuously would blame yourself for your parents’ death. You should’ve felt happy but instead it felt reversed so you did something you regretted; you took half the bottle of antidepressants.

When the tears come streaming down your face

'Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could it be worse?

The person who wanted you to call mom came to check up on you when you unexpectedly left to go to bed at 8pm a few weeks after you attempted suicide, she caught you crying into your pillow. Her heart clenched at the sight of a girl she desperately wanted to be her daughter. She wasn’t able to have kids so she felt incredibly lucky to have you by her side. Your sobs were loud enough to draw her husband and their small Cockapoo, Pilot upstairs so the small family of theirs comforted you in every way they possibly could. 

You told them, “I feel so alone. I miss my parents. I barely even knew them but I remember the safeness and security I felt around them. I was a baby, a newborn and they passed away. I didn’t even get to know them.” they wanted to know more but didn’t want to push you. You eventually continued, “The first family I lived with was a good family. I lived with them for 5 years I believe and it was so great. I was loved but they told social worker back then they no longer wanted me. Their explanation was they finally got pregnant. With twins! Three kids were too much so they let me go. I lost a family I loved but I guess they didn’t love me back, you know? It just went to waste. When I got to my first abusive home, I lost a part of my self-respect that day and I never got it back. I lost so much the first time that asshole struck me. He made me think the worst of myself at 8 years old up until I was 13. Did you know he beat me till I passed out because I started my period for the first time?”

You went on for awhile and they all listened to you until you fell asleep on your adoptive mother’s lap while she stroked your hair gently to get the knots out. That day was memorable for you because you started to feel more loved. 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

At 18, you felt different. It was as if you had this electricity surging through you dying to get out and to be used. You didn’t know what it was until you got into a fight with someone on the street for trying to pay you for a certain action no one in their right mind would want to do to some random old guy. He was found dead in the morning inside of a dark alley you dragged him to. Their diagnosis was that he was killed by 12,000 volts of electricity which must’ve been from the telephone pole near him. The police didn’t think anything of it but you did then a few days later, S.H.I.E.L.D. found you. It seems as your adoptive parents knew exactly what was going on. You became an agent that night with every intent on controlling and managing your powers. They called you Carmina, Latin word for electro. 

Years rolled by in a blur but time stopped when you met him. 

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Bucky Barnes was in no way perfect, in fact he was probably the most imperfect guy on this entire universe. His past was dark and foggy to him but he knew what had happened, of course, he did. Nobody would forget the murders they committed and he didn’t wish to be a part of anyone’s life. He barely let his best friend back in because of the things he did to him and his team but you were the most unique, gorgeous person he had ever met. He didn’t know what drew him in, maybe it was the sweet smile you gave everyone that you knew and didn’t know; or the twinkle in your eye when you talked about something you were very passionate about; maybe it was the same mutual darkness in the back of your brain that matched his. It was something and it made a change for everything. 

You were the first to ask him out. It was a pretty big risk for you seeing as you didn’t trust people very often given your past but he had something separating him from every guy you’ve ever met. He was perfectly imperfect to you. Oh god was he imperfect. It just made you fall even more for him. 

You both were very closed off people making it difficult to talk to one another without giving too much information about yourselves but you were a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent so you had a file. Bucky didn’t think twice to look at it and you did the same with his from H.Y.D.R.A. You both weren’t ready to mention the files you took a peek at because you wanted it to be told in your own way from the heart so it took a while to warm up to each other but eventually you did and it was epic. You fell head over heels in love with each other from one date, the very first date. But the moment you opened up was tragic.

5th date and you were crying but he didn’t understand why. Your past was nowhere near as bad as he was yet you felt like you were barely worth anything. He didn’t understand why you were crying so hard because you worth everything so he told you his past in bits and pieces. You cried in each others arms together, comforting and kissing each other to make yourselves feel better. You felt happy and content to find someone who loves you for you and vice versa. 

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

From the very beginning, you felt unlucky and like you were bad luck because nothing good ever happened to you. Your parents passing away was the beginning of a tragic story or that’s what you thought before you found your adoptive family. The loneliness and constant worry about yourself followed you every home you went to. Your depression was something you never imagined you would have and it was the worst thing you imagined. You would never wish that upon your worst enemies because that was real and it controlled everything you did. You didn’t try to kill yourself because of it, you did it to get away from the pain and you were so lucky to still be here because you wouldn’t have died feeling loved. You would’ve died feeling sad and alone. You weren’t alone. You survived. 

Bucky Barnes helped you through your journey of recovery after dropping your therapist and psychiatrist for good. He and your family guided you through the tunnel that you couldn’t see in. Your family taught you to love. He taught you to open up. Life wasn’t all that bad anymore. You weren’t unlucky nor were you a bad charm to anyone. You started that way but it didn’t define who you were. 

Bucky and you tied the knot 6 years of being together and had the biggest family. You felt at peace. That’s what life wanted you to have. It just gave you a dark tunnel in the beginning and you found your way through. You were finally happy.