#( musings. ) it's just bearable it has to be i don't have a choice

[thedoctorsaysimwrong]

jack related tags ::

( verse i. ) pre children of earth ( about. ) a man out of his time alone and scared ( musings. ) it's just bearable it has to be i don't have a choice ( headcanons. ) for a second there i felt so alive ( isms. ) then i take it back alright? i take it all back but not him!

( verse ii. ) live long enough to see yourself become the villain ( about ii. ) i listened to my wife die over and over and over again ( musings ii. ) yes i've changed... pain does that to people ( headcanons ii. ) there's always something left to lose ( isms ii. ) i have lived so many lives time to find another one

( verse iii. ) pre torchwood ( verse iv. ) post miracle day ( verse v. ) coe | house of the dead

[battlelaine]

double-edge for evelyn, rage for morgan, thunder for dana and psychic for nita!

Technical Machine Headcanons!

Double-Edge — Does your muse have any personality traits that are a double-edged sword?

Evelyn's kindness, or more over her desire to be 'good', is a double edged sword. I feel like this is a pretty common trope for characters with archetypes like Evelyn's but it's very true for her. Evelyn desperately wants to be a good, kind person for the sake of simply being good and kind. That is a good thing because offering kindness to the world simply makes the world a more bearable place for all those in it. It's also good to strive to better oneself whenever possible. By wanting to make oneself a better person means wanting to allow oneself to grow into a stronger person. However where it becomes a problem is when oneself starts harming themselves over it. Which is the point Evelyn has reached. Evelyn pushes herself to be a good, kind person so much that she constantly panics over doing something 'wrong'. Evelyn's kindness only goes so far as to reach others and there comes the question of what good is kindness if it cannot be offered to oneself? Evelyn cannot forgive herself easily for even little mistakes because it means she is a 'bad' person and if she is a 'bad' person then what worth is she? She can only measure her personal worth by how useful she is to those around her. Whether that is by making them feel emotionally better or of being of service to them in someway. Her desire to be 'good' both makes her the better, stronger person she wants to be. But it also hurts her incredibly deeply and makes it so she has trouble even functioning as that better person she desires to be.

rage — what’s one thing that makes your muse inconsolably angry?

When Morgan thinks about what they gave up in order to run the Maison. Don't get them, if they were forced to do it all again, they'd make the same choices and take over the Maisons once more. However whenever they take a moment to just think about their childhood, their dreams, their aspirations, everything they lost because of tradition they become incredibly angry. They are furious over everything they lost due to having to run the Battle Maisons. When they think of the person they could have, the person they wanted to be, before they were told they had to dedicate themselves to running the Battle Maisons all the anger they've held in for decades just bubbles up. They don't talk about this with anyone. They haven't even told their sisters. Dana vaguely knows about everything Morgan lost so she could become head of the Battle Maisons. But she doesn't know the anger that seethes within Morgan over it. If she did, she'd likely be more understanding of her older sister. But Morgan doesn't want to be understood. Not really. She wants her actions, everything she lost, to be justified. So she pushes herself and her sisters to make the Battle Maisons better then they've ever been. Make the Maisons more popular, make the family name famous again, make her ancestors proud. Just so everything she lost and so all her anger is something. But she doesn't even know if that will really soothe her anger. Will all she's done ever feel justified?

thunder — describe your muse’s voice: is it soft, loud, grating, soothing, etc?

I've yet to find a good voice claim for Dana as I imagine her with a fairly unique voice. But I imagine her voice being sort of demanding of attention if that makes sense. It's a little loud though not in an obnoxious way more in an authoritative attention drawing way. She doesn't exactly have an accent due to the fact she's lived in so many places. Sometimes she can be mistaken for having a Galarian accent or a Kalosian accent or even a Hoennian accent. It just fully depends on who she is talking with or what language she is using. There is a certain soothing nature to her not exactly one that puts you at ease or makes your particularly trusting. But once again it's the confidence she speaks with and carries herself with, her voice holds this sort of authority that lets people think she has everything under control. Even if she doesn't. She does have a tendency to speak rather quickly like she's always in a hurry to be off doing something else. Her voice and tone are really reflective of what she's feeling, she can never hide her feelings from her voice it always gives her away. Which is only fitting as she often wear her heart on her sleeve.

psychic — does your muse have any intrusive thoughts? if so, what are they?

Nita IS an intrusive thought tbh. Okay for real though Nita DOES deal with a lot of intrusive thoughts regarding violence towards others or dangerous actions towards herself. As well as intrusive thoughts regarding her sisters feelings towards her. Sometimes these violent thoughts towards others will be in moments of arguments or when they've angered her thus making her feel 'vindicated' to act out on these actions. Other times she'll just be waiting for the train and her brain will tell her to push the person in front of her onto the tracks which will freak her out tremendously. Worse is when she receives intrusive thoughts of hurting her sisters whether they feel vindicated or not. Those thoughts freak her out to the point she actively has to separate herself from her sisters. Her intrusive thoughts regarding herself are usually regarding taking reckless actions. Like riding the top of the train to Kiloude City or jumping from the roof of the Maison not to kill herself but simply just cause. Depending on the severity of these actions and if she can rationalize them to herself she might actually try some of these actions. For example she knows what would happen if she jumped from the roof of the Maison and has no desire to try that. However riding the top of the Kiloude City train is a very tempting offer. For her family she deals with a lot of intrusive thoughts regarding them secretly hating her. These thoughts affect the most because they scare her the most. She hates the idea that her sisters hate her and is terrified that it just might be true. Due to that fear she's never talked to her sisters about these thoughts, worrying that they might just be right.

[be-good-be-safe-be-kind]

"you're not sorry. you're just sick and don't want to admit it."

this was 3x08, like a year before the 4x07 reveal, but hints were there since the pilot and throughout the series. for fuck's sake, the first guy taken down on screen is rohit, and considering the timeline, it didn't have to be, but it was. krista, 'michael,' ollie - literally anyone else who was 'new' to elliot [yes, still calling the mastermind elliot because that's what he calls himself, and they are sorta co-conscious for a while] could've been a potential target, but we open with rohit. it's not a stretch to say that tiny elliot and edward are talking around the abuse, since they're in public and edward's a monster but he's not open about it - that's magda's job, which is also a point in the column of 'magda always knew' - and that this is edward realising it's time to make a deathbed confessional for his own sake.

"i wish i could have been a better father to you," on the surface, after elliot winds up with a broken arm, is a fairly innocuous remark, an "i wish i could have listened to you, to know what drove you to jump out a window." it isn't innocent, though, because he knows exactly what happened, that he triggered elliot's fight or flight, but he can't admit it.

"all i'm asking is that you forgive me," on the surface, seems like a simple request. but he's literally asking the impossible from elliot, framing it in a way that he thinks a child can manage to deal with, a simple yes or no, and expecting a "yes" because elliot never could say "no."

[elliot never could say no, because he never really had a chance, never had a choice in the matter. seen posts that the person saying "no" here is mr. robot or the mastermind or someone else, but see it as elliot realising he has the perfect opportunity to disagree. they're in public, he's got a clearly injured arm, and yeah it was the 90s but an adult raising their voice and/or laying a hand on him wouldn't go unnoticed. that's not to say someone would intervene as much as someone would recognise edward and report back to magda/start neighborhood gossip, and no one wants that.]

"do you think you'll ever be able to do that?" - unlikely, dude, fucking unlikely, even without knowing why. even if all elliot knows at the moment is the broken arm, the yelling, the whole 'keeping the cancer a secret' thing - that's all still a lot of unforgivable shit to put anyone through. much less a kid, much less your kid. and even if the answer is "yes," even if the "yes" is a lie, it's still only for edward's benefit, not elliot's. not to compare trauma, but elliot never forgave magda, either - he thanked her, because what she did made prison bearable (which is a hell of a sentence to unpack on its own), and distanced himself in a way that to darlene, appeared to be tolerance.

edward seems genuinely confused and shocked to hear a "no." not just a silence, or a headshake, but an actual "no," and that might've been what makes him collapse.

the contrast between this flashback scene and the episode's opening is fantastic. elliot muses about deletion, the choices involved in it. elliot gets audibly, visibly angry about what happened, acknowledging his faults. acknowledging that extremes don't keep 'him' away, that there will never be a way to do that because he wanted it. he liked it. [want to point out here that him liking something and someone making him feel special are not the same thing at all, that what happened in the past with edward is not at all the same as what's happening with mr. robot]. darlene says to him what tiny elliot was probably thinking - "you're scaring the shit out of me" - and there's a chance he says what edward might've told him - "i'm not trying to scare you." maybe reading too deeply into imaginary subtext here, but whatever.

and of course elliot's "i just wanna be alone" after, even without knowing the episode title, everything until this point is him going from suicidal ideation to actively starting a plan. and of course, because he's who he is, darlene and flipper take priority once angela's already dismissed, and then the jacket goes because while it's connected to mr. robot, it was edward's jacket. and the drugs are a connection to mobley (and trenton, by extension), so it is ironically a lifeline, a hypothetical, something that might not actually be used, or at least not in full capacity. at least it seemed like that initially, until andy did a body check and started talking, and you don't need to have lived through what elliot did to recoil at the way andy treats him.

"maybe you do have that death wish after all."

and that loops right back around to the start of the episode, right before the first gif. edward coughing, then brushing it aside by saying "it's okay. i'll get it out of my system before the movie." and yeah, edward's referring to his immune system or whatever, and looking again too deeply into this, but i'll get it out of my system. before the movie. being sick in more ways than one. having a sense of responsibility for a kid but it's misplaced and self-centered, until it isn't, at least not with elliot and muhammed. [yeah, there are the 'muhammed wasn't actually there' theories, but those aren't for today]

"yeah. maybe we should leave."

Yeah. Maybe we should leave.

[sharp-teeth-and-archived]

intothewildsea asked : 👫 for niamh and robert if you want?

Send a 👫 and I’ll write four headcanons I have about our muse’s relationship / @intothewildsea​​ -- accepting

- So the fact that he has Niamh to listen to him means a whole lot to him. I imagine in the gang, he wouldn't have too many friends. I think just his general vibe would rub off the wrong way on people (and his unhealthy obsession with Jesse), and how really egotistical he can be -- it leaves a small gap for people he could be friends with. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and will say something if someone makes fun of him, which makes him even more humorous to others to pick on him (because he gives them the reaction they want, especially to Sean). So with Niamh actually giving him a chance and talking to him, he takes it highly. He doesn't show his affection through anything physical, he’s not a person who gives hugs, so he'll show his appreciation by including her in things. He'll give her coffee, give her something she thinks she might like, seek her out to talk.

- Going off that, I think with Niamh and his friendship -- it makes him feel better about camp more. I don't think he was really a big fan of Dutch's gang, to begin with, never really reached to talk to them, but it makes it more bearable with people like Sean picking on him. He hates being seen as the loner, being invisible in the gang -- so Niamh's friendship and kindness makes him feel better.

- When he rats out the gang and works closely with the Pinkertons, he doesn't just give money to Niamh for her generosity for him -- he also either leaves out her name entirely when he gives information to the Pinkertons or completely certifies that she will not be targeted by them. (He'd threaten to not give them any information and completely expose Micah's involvement with the Pinkertons if they wouldn't. May even use slander to help him completely destroy their plans with the gang). It doesn't make his actions any better, but he isn't completely heartless.

- I know we haven't exactly gotten to the point where they have a really deep connection & friendship, but Robert would tell her his most innermost thoughts. I feel like, at some point, he might even tell her about everything. Or at least think about doing that. It's either from a room of pride or it would just slip out and he thought he would receive a pleasant reaction in return.

- Not exactly four but he would probably try to get her to be his partner in crime at some point. She doesn't have to follow through with it or agree to it, but he would suggest at some point for the two to rustle cattle, steal something small, something that isn't too large for the two of them. He might even suggest robbing a stagecoach if he feels really confident.

- Kind of going off the whole headcanon of him doing little things for her (like getting her coffee or giving her something), he would be really observant towards her choices with her physical appearance. If she styles her hair a different way, wears something he didn't think she would pick out, he will notice it and may even pay her a little compliment about it (something short and sweet, in the most awkward way possible, with a shy grin). He'll join her after stew is served and have a quick chat at a table or by the fire (or wherever she decided to sit).

- I saw a thing on your blog where Niamh likes to name animals? (It was chickens on your blog). Robert never named any of his horses any name because he thinks it's silly. He takes care of his horse and paid a lot of attention to all of the horses his family had due to being placed on horse duty for his chores, but he just doesn't see the point in it? It's a childish thing to do, in his opinion. What if Niamh named his horse for him? He won't say it aloud and disregard it, in a playful manner, to be humorous. But he'll find it really adorable that she pays attention to those small things.

[secrettyrant]

Nina doesn't glance to her brother, attention solely on her phone save for the quirk of her brow in response to his white lie. "How very Felix of you." she responds dryly, taking the moment to win ever needed brownie points. Her thumb holds down the microphone, eyes darting from the screen to her brother. "That will all be perfect, mor. Not a bother at all. Oskar is with me and we'd be delighted to help you this month." Nina releases the button with a soft smirk, an internal groan almost leaving her lips as she immediately sees Agneta's text dots. Knowing it will be a while, Nina slips her phone away. "That's a curious choice of words, Oskie. Do you feel demoted when you're here?" Nina fires back her simple quip, now taking it upon herself to patrol the office space. "Maybe emasculated is a better fitting for you." she adds, smirking again. Although, she has to say she agrees. The institute isn't quite in their blood, and she is of course only here because of their brother.

Nina's shoulders droop, only in slight dramatics, to Oskar's admission and she turns from studying the art to give him a quick glare. "Well, you created this monster. It will be your job to fix it." she says, unsure if Agneta will get bored of knowing her voice can literally find her offspring no matter where they are in the world. Nina lets out a slightly thoughtful hum about Felix, however, and is back to a slow march around Oskar's office. "Yes, I saw that." she muses about their brother's Parisian escapades. "Have you not spoken to him since the big conversation?" she glances to Oskar, her head then tilting with a knowing expression and a small sigh of exasperation. "Please don't pretend you and him were inconspicuous in the smoking lounge. Father came and hassled me and mother for twenty minutes because of it." Nina adds, now getting comfortable in the seat by his desk as a small laugh leaves her. "What? Made it slightly more bearable to be in? You're welcome. I actually am here for something important. What happened for that cute little Russian witch to think you're a moron? Or did it just take..a general conversation with her?"

★・・・・・・★

Nina's saunter into the office space disrupts Oskar's concentration. His gaze momentarily slides from the computer screen to his sister's intrusion, met with a sardonic smirk as she shoves her phone in his face. "Ah, that's because I said I had back to back meetings today. Guess she decided to bother you instead." Oskar remarks simply, an attempt made to get back to his work. "She wants us to plan that...monthly dinner." he explains, words interrupted momentarily with a deep sigh because he wishes to avoid the responsibility entirely. Nina's jest about his office elicits a quick scoff from Oskar, prompting him to recline in his chair with an air of nonchalance. "I should hope so, since you've been demoted to a supernatural babysitter now." he quips, ignoring the fact he is currently sitting within the institute with the same work day. His only glimpse of it that week before he is back dealing with numbers instead of people.

Slowly, Oskar returns to his computer but a brow arches to his sister's question and a subtle grin forms. "I did." he confesses with deep amusement. "I was sick of the three texts for one thought." Oskar adds, now happy to see that Agneta is burdening Nina for the day. The remark about their mother's lifespan however, shifts his grin into a frown as his gaze follows Nina's glance to the door. "Comes for us all." he mutters, once again an attempt made to focus on his work as Nina asks about their younger brother. A sigh starts Oskar's answer, fingers clacking away at the keyboard. "Barely. He was more interested in Paris with the Arison witches. Minus Filippa." he mumbles before amusing himself. "Though, would never surprise me if he went to Europe with that nutjob too." Oskar's chuckle is weak for a brief second, waving a dismissive hand to his sister. "Unless you want something important, can you go? You've changed the entire atmosphere in here within seconds."