#( like when I got covid last year and when i was stuck in the hospital 'cos my lungs refuse to be nice )

[korinthiakos]

I think I'mma go to bed with my laptop-- my throat is just keeps getting sore and my nose runny

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

I finally remembered to call my neurologist to have my prescription transferred. Less than two weeks of my med left. I left a message with their med department, but not call back. Just received a text informing me my med is ready for pickup.

Um, what?

They not only transferred the prescription but renewed it. Wooooot!!! My risk of death from of a seizure has decreased.

My previous neurologist was an absolute ass and insisted I make the six hour trip to see him, in person, for a 10 minute appointment that he will be late for. He was late, twice, for a first appointment of the day. He was an hour late and gave no apology. When the asshole saw who my previous neurologist was, he went on about how unprofessional the man is (he's one of the top epilepsy specialists in the world), and insisted thr seizure study I was part of isn't accurate and insisted on conducting his own. As for why he was my neurologist from 2014-2022, he was the only neurologist within a 100 mile radius who accepted Medicare.

My new neurologist is cool. When I told him about the edible I take every night, he asked about my seizure count. My tonic-clonic seizures have decreased significantly. He nodded and said a lot of his patients have experienced the same thing with THC+CBD use, and told me to keep using them if they're helping. He sees no point in raising my med dosage seeing as when it was higher all I got were worsening side-effects. He also didn't wanna add meds, but mostly because I had used every med on the list he handed me. 27 different medications from age 12-25. Some lasted a week, others a year. My current? I've been on it since I was 25; now I'm 40. The side-effects are a bitch (especially the weight gain and chronic nausea), but I'm okay with that.

Yay for finding a good doctor! I hope our next appointment won't involve an EEG or seizure study. I will flat out refuse. The seizure study will require I live in the hospital for a week (hello, covid), with over 100 wires stuck to my head, neck, and part of my face (the glue looks and feels like snot and is a pain in the ass to remove), and electrodes on my chest (the adhesive causes me to develop a rash and hives). No. A regular EEG uses something like 25-50 wires glued to my head. The last three all showed I was having a seizure during the strove lights, one even showed a massive seizure. Except I had no outward signs and was conversational. That should give you an idea of how likely it is I'm having even more seizures than we assume. Raising my dosage didn't reduce my seizure count, but it did put 15 lbs on me in the span of a month.

Epilepsy is fun.

My fav neurologist is Dr. Madhavan at the Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha. He saved my life, for which I am eternally grateful.

[iamjustcara]

My dad died at 72 on 12/31/19 after his 2nd massive heart attack. It was hard, but as a family we got through it and even moved my mom to Memphis to live in a house right next door to me. She was out of shape and overweight but did fine in her house on her own for 2 years.

Then in Nov 2022, at 74, she fell and broke her femur, requiring intramedullary nail for the fracture and full time rehab. Rehab that isn’t going well. Rehab that has been derailed by a bladder infection that made her throw up and prevented her from eating and required 5 days in a real hospital. Rehab that was derailed further when she got Covid at the ER while waiting for bladder infection treatment. She’s finally back at rehab, free from her 2-weeks of Covid quarantine, but she’s throwing up again. And on it goes. It’s always something.

I whine about all this to say: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and it’s not even happening TO me. I’m powerless, I’m helpless, I’ve got no control of her treatment and it feels like I’ve got no control of my own life b/c I spend so much time visiting her and worrying about her comfort and going to her appointments.

People: stay active. Walk your ass down the driveway every day. It will make a difference. Get up, get out, move around and use your body. Sure actual exercise is good for you but movement of any kind will help. My mom will likely never walk unassisted again. My mom can’t come home and live alone and I can’t be her personal home aid. She’s going through this medically but I’m going through something too.

Being a caregiver (really I’m a care supporter) is slowly killing parts of me. And I am mad. I’m mad that my parents never followed instructions after previous surgeries to be active. All they had to do was walk around the block everyday. They never did. I’m mad that nothing seems to go right for my mom since she fell and all the lofty goals of being back to “normal” in 6-8 months have evaporated.

I’m mad that my two brothers and I haven’t met up to discuss things. Even when the older one showed up in town unannounced last week he didn’t tell me his plans so I never even saw him. I’m mad that I can’t focus on critical things in my own life because everything has become dependent on my care obligations. I wash her laundry bc she’s got sensitive skin and needs special detergent. I bought her new clothes so she wouldn’t be in the rehab gym in her ratty old house clothes. I haul shit over from her house to make her more comfortable in the rehab room. I leave work to go to appointments with her, to hold her hand when she cries. I do all this shit but it’s not enough to change any god damn thing.

Nothing is going to be changed. I’m locked into this bullshit until mom finally gives up and dies. There is no fucking escape. The brothers aren’t going to hold her hand and rush up there when she calls scared and crying it for my dead dad. My role in this position was set in motion when I was born the only daughter. And I’m fucking mad.

I love my mom. Living next door to her was a dream come true. But I’m killing myself trying to support her and I’m mad that I can’t let myself step away. I know I don’t have to be the caretaker, but if my dad ever found out I abandoned my mom he’d be so disappointed. As he died in Vanderbilt hospital I held his hand and promised him I’d take care of mom. So I have to keep going. I do my best and I acknowledge that my best changes from day to day.

I’m mad at my mom for being old and out of shape. I’m mad that she had surgery, followed by an infection, followed by Covid. I’m mad at myself for not adjusting into this new role easily. I am not a parent, I have no experience guiding someone to make good decisions and try her hardest. I’m not trained in this at all but now I’m fucking stuck in it.

I’m so mad

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

your answer made me tear up too, i don't think anyone has cared enough to ask how i've been in so long. i feel like the bad days are permanent, they seem to appear so often i just can't bear it anymore. i try to hold out hope but maybe i'm just kidding myself. i've been so sad for so long, i don't even remember how to be happy. and that makes me so sad. that the thought of passing away seems so much more of a relief than to continue living. i know for a fact i failed my exams which means i'll either have to drop out or redo my exams. which also means i won't get to do placement. and if my family knows of this, i don't think i can go through that again. i can't. the pain was way too much last time, i suppressed those memories. i'm not stong enough to go through that again. i know death is the easy way out. and i'm a coward for wanting to take it but i'm so desperate. i don't want to feel the pain anymore. the numbness, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, i can't.

i'm sorry, you feel so much more comforting than my own big sisters. i don't think they even deserve that title truthfully. but thank you for letting me rant, you don't even have to post this. i don't mind. i truly hope your day today was much lighter than mine. i hope you experienced some form of happiness today. i hope you're well. love you more than words could ever say, thank you for letting me spill my words on here. please don't feel pressured to post this. i'm sorry for how weird this ask is. i'm sorry for unloading it all on to you 💕

Don't worry, you can always rant to me. Sometimes we just need to let it out, to get it off our chests because too often we don't have anyone trustworthy to talk to openly and many wouldn't understand it either. I wish I could help you through this, I'm having similar struggles too. I actually blew up my professional life a week ago because I panicked. They wanted to give me the residency I asked for after fighting with them for months and when they gave it to me I ended up not accepting (for reasons listed bellow but also because they bind you contractually for life). I just spent the last year not even living but surviving, working nights so often I didn't feel human at all and I barely saw my family (my younger niece barely knows who i am), I don't even have friends anymore because everyone kind of just gave up on me. They didn't understand how tired I was from work, I just didn't want to do anything after work. I went from a packed covid unit to urgent care back to infectious diseases and it's been so exhausting both mentally and physically and my chronic illnesses have all gone havoc in this time and I've come to realize that even though the pay is better when you work nights and on calls, my health and general well being have no price. So when my contract is up this March I'm going to be unemployed for a bit until I find a job as a GP and that's scary as hell and no one quite understands why I left a higher paying job in a hospital 20 mins away from me by foot that I lowkey dreamed about and wished for my entire life. Guess they were right when they said be careful what you wish for...I got my wish and it cost me everything else and I was miserable. If I had the option I'd leave healthcare altogether, but my background is basically a nursing degree and then a doctor's degree so I'm stuck with it...unless I marry a richy rich dude 🤣 (can I get Charles Leclerc pls) but yeah, I understand what you're going through. Life is so fucking hard all the time and most people just have to stay up float and that's it, but people like you and me are constantly swimming against the current with chains pulling us under. (There's a song by The Pretty reckless called Under the water, I recommend you listen to it, kind of like a soundtrack to this whole thing). I refuse to believe it won't get easier one day (despite my year starting with a firework going off in my face followed by a terrible case of chicken pox that made me miss a weekend trip to Austria, making my skin awful, and now a flare up in my condition), IT HAS TO GET EASIER. Until then, please reach out to me whenever you need it. It's not a burden. Hell it's like group therapy, we can commiserate together over shitshows of the day. Can even be fun? Either way, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere yet. I'll keep fighting and I really hope you will too so that one of these days we can talk about the good things we get to see and live. I'm hoping everything happens for a reason and one day that reason will be clear. 💕

[justhere4coffee]

Hey, great place. I like what you've done with the decor.

Remember me? I guess you might, if this appears on your dashboard. I hope so. It's been a fine old time since last I posted eh, when all I was worried about was the fact I'd survived until my last scheduled post in 2020... Well that's confusing, the last couple of posts I'd scheduled DID post, I remember seeing them, but they're not there any longer! How sad.

Anyway! Turned out that worrying about living until 2020 was the least of my woes, and then it turned out to be the challenge of the year. I previously mentioned "personal troubles." I was suffering a prolonged bout of ill health, initially it seemed to be aflare of my chronic back pain but during a scan of my back a "small abnormality" was observed in my liver, which got me a referral for a consultation.

Click on for more about that, but CW for near-death, death, pandemic discussion, despair, you get the picture...

Long story short, I had a genetic disorder which meant my body was slowly destroying my liver for me, without any need for me to ever consider taking up drinking. Which is good, 'cause I was never a huge fan, but it's ironic. I shall forever face judgement as if I caused this problem for myself, despite the fact I didn't even try. But now I have a new liver, and a new immunocompromised status, oh and did I mention yet that this final spiral into near-death and emergency transplantation happened while the planet was going through the early stages of pre-pandemic denial? Yeah, that was fun too. I had my operation a month before the UK locked down for the first time, and didn't get out of hospital until the day after it started. While I was recovering from my operation, I lost one friend to Covid (death #250 in the UK) and another to complications arising from lung cancer (which may or may not have also included an early Covid infection as well) who just a couple of weeks earlier had had a much better prognosis than I - it was like we swapped places.

So for the last 2.5 years and counting, I have been stuck at home. I'm full time registered disabled now, awaiting a PIP judgement (again) in the hope I can get a blue badge for the car because I can't walk without a rollator and even with one I can't go more than a few dozen steps between rests.

How are things with you?

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

When was the last time you swam in a pool? 🏊‍♀️ a few years ago (pre COVID) at Hershey Park Water Park with my fiance. wayyy overdue to go swimming this summer

Would you rather have an indoor pool or outdoor pool? doesn’t really matter to me

What was the last thing you said out loud? “oh my gooooodddddddd” bitching at my computer trying to get music playing to start this lmao 

Do you think you could ever be an opera singer? hell no!

How often do you eat bread? 🥖 I’m Italian/Irish mostly so it’s most of my diet lol I’d say maybe 3-4 times a week given we get subs and burgers a lot

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and thought you looked pale? I’m ALWAYS pale, not just the Irish in me but  I’m barely ever outside due mostly to debilitating illnesses making it hard to physically function for long on my feet for years now so...yeah

Have you ever wanted to be a nurse? 👩‍⚕️ not a nurse no but I did wanna be a vet for a long time as a kid so basically yeah just for animals instead

Would you ever want to be a nurse? Why or why not? no, I live in and out of hospitals I always have and I’d never be able to handle the trauma and mental/emotional hell...

Who or what do you worship? I don’t worship anything, I have my beliefs but I’m not religious

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? ha seriously? what DON’T they? umm but for a lighter note of being made fun of, messing with one another between a friend and I on FB vid last week

Do you own a mini sewing kit that you use for altering clothing? 🧵 no my fiance’s parents are the sewers lol 

Do you know a Ted? I have in the past but not currently no

Do you own a beret? 👩‍🎨 no

When was the last time you wore a beret? when I was real young in gymnastics for a performance

What is one thing you have found to be a bore? my every day which is stuck home couch ridden alone stuck to my own devices, especially with my fiance being gone for work all the time

Where do you keep your out-of-season clothes? I don’t own many clothes, so I don’t have “seasons” 

If you had to pick your top three favorite colors, what would they be? black, blue, beige/tan

How many inches do you normally have to hem up your pants? 👖 please I’ve never needed to, pants have always been mostly “floods” on me cause of my height and long legs lmao

What are three things you would buy if you were rich? 🤑 our own house, my own car (nothing flashy), lots of pets

How many times in your life have you been stung by a bee or a wasp? 🐝 never thank god and I don’t plan on it! knowing my luck that’ll be the only thing I’m actually allergic to on top of it hurting like all hell

Have you ever swam in one of the Great Lakes? nope would love to though

….and if so, how many of the Great Lakes have you swam in? –

Do you believe in the devil? 👹 yeah? look around, how could you not??

What is one thing you wish were more easily accessible? mental health care/treatment

Do you enjoy playing icebreaker games when you’re in a group of people you just met? ummm not sure I’ve ever really played any, but I’d like to since I’m very socially anxious so it’d help me relax a bit

What is your favorite icebreaker game? –

What is one thing you find serene? standing on the beach at the Highlands in NJ where we spread Mimi’s ashes...I try to go every anniversary of her death and I always feel her there so strong and I can actually just breathe and relax...

Have you ever chopped something with an axe? 🪓 no and I’d probably fail miserably lol

What is your favorite genre of music? I love most anything

What is one thing you like that tastes sour? I mean I can suck on a lemon or lime no problem without cringing? then again I’m an alcoholic so that’s probably why I got used to it from garnishes lol

Do you think “Sour Patch Kids” sounds too much like “Cabbage Patch Kids”? I guess lol never really thought about it 

Did you ever own a Cabbage Patch doll when you were a kid? umm I could swear Mimi got me one when I was a baby from what I was told but I don’t remember it

Do you like the candy Sour Patch Kids? yeah they’re delicious and now I want some dammit! 

What was the last song you listened to on repeat? Nutshell by Alice In Chains....

What is one mistake you’ve made that you hope to never repeat? pretty much my entire life, swear to god...

What was the last thing you baked in the oven? pssh me bake? XD

Have you ever been to a track meet? 🏃‍♀️ no

What do you call the bathroom? Do you say bathroom, restroom, washroom, lavatory, loo, toilet, latrine, or….? bathroom, occasionally restroom if I need a public one and I’m asking an employee at whatever store

When was the last time you made guacamole? 🥑 I never have

Do you know of any schools that have the beaver for a mascot? not that I know of

Have you ever stayed in a suite? no, just an occasional real nice hotel room

[idkguessiwillbloghere]

Blog Post #22

Feeling: Deeply depressed Weather: Cold Last thing I ate: Spaghetti Last thing I drank: Melatonin tea I quit my last job a month ago and I still don’t have a new job. I’ve applied places; all of the “no one wants to work anymore, we’re understaffed” whiners never return my calls or emails; they’re clearly just reaping government COVID relief finances. I wish I had the energy to report them directly to the state government. I’m sure someone out there is like “but people need those relief funds with inflation.” I say fuck you I need to work, we all do; we don’t get to be destitute and shat on for “being too lazy to work” at the same time. I’m also still trying to unsuccessfully process just how shitty people are in general. The most recent thing on my mind is I had a now former coworker (who has a knife-sharpening business on the side) fix one of my knives. My knife was custom-made, but because it was stored in a shitty leather pouch, it got moldy and rusted. It was all pitted and whatnot. When I gave him the knife to work on, I asked him how much it would cost me. He said nothing, but it would take ages to get it done because he had so many other orders to take care of. About seven months went by. I checked in once in a while, he kept saying he was still too busy. Eventually he said he was about to get to it. I asked him again if he needed me to pay anything. He said $20. Alright, would’ve been best if he said so from the start, but I meant what I asked, so I’m happy to pay it. But because this isn’t my first rodeo with shitty people, when he messaged me today saying it was done (and at THIS point, explaining that his style of fixing knives is “Wabi Sabi,” and “that’s why it’s a little uneven), I asked this question again as a test. This is someone I have been tempted to hang out with, I want to know who he really is. Guess what? He wants $40 now, unless I want more of the pitting taken out, then it’ll cost even more. I forgot to call the doctor office I worked at; as employees, our blood draws and other simple procedures are normally waived. But since my former boss now hates me, she is trying to stick me with the bill. I got a threatening letter from the organization that processes the blood draws, telling me I will be sent to collections and my credit score will suffer if I don’t pay them. I shouldn’t be paying them, the medical office should. Thankfully not everyone who works there is a shitstain; most people there like me. I called and left a message for the receptionist about the matter, I just need to call her back again. Which reminds me, my now second former therapist of the year put me in the ER, claiming I was going to kill myself that same night. He asked me, and I quote, “Are you going to kill yourself in the next two days?” I said honestly and plainly, “No.” He said, “I’m not convinced,” and proceeded to say that I either go to the ER right then, or he would call the cops on me. So ER it was. And the ER treated me like garbage, and were about to strip me naked, tie me to the bed, and take my phone away; I called my father, who’s a lawyer, he thankfully got there in time and every fuckface who was trying to pull some shit dispersed. Then, hours later, the psychology expert who I was sent there to see FINALLY showed up, talked to me for ten seconds, and was like, “O, you’re not suicidal.” And I was like yeah no motherfucking shit. But of course, I’m stuck with a huge bill from a visit that was medically unnecessary. The hospital did the whole dog and pony show of “We’re taking your concerns super seriously and we’ll let you know the results after our higher-ups review your concerns.” Obviously it ended with them sending me a letter telling me that they were 100% justified in their shit behavior and I need to pay them. Because that’s how capitalistic suicide “prevention” works. Ironically, it all just makes me want to die now.

The roommates I was going to have in Oregon had claimed they were looking for a house because their apartment lease was ending this December, and that I could come live with them when they got it. Of course, no house, renewed lease. That means that if I can’t secure a place to move to by March, when my lease is up, I gotta remain stuck here in a terrible environment for another year. I finally cleaned my fish tank. My crawfish and danio are much happier now. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

[maddogmp3]

:/

[sergeanttomycaptain]

Just got this (in part) from a friend of mine, and I.... what???

Well, aside from these being TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES....

The amount of mental gymnastics it takes to deal with this x.x *grumbles myself into oblivion*

Personally, I couldn't care less about what the government says. I lean heavily on what frontline workers say. I worked in the medical field for over 10 years and my SIL is a respiratory therapist. I've seen a chunk of the dark underbelly that is the pandemic. Government just so happens to support (kind of... ish...) what frontline workers and experts say and pushes what it can on the state/federal level to get things done. That's why I support mandates and public health plans like masks and vaccines and social distancing. I don't blindly say "well if the government says so" to whatever comes along. There's a lot of things they did horribly, especially in the beginning. But we can't fix a public health crisis without government and global assistance and cooperation. And if I ever want to understand the reasons for a mandate or a safeguard, healthcare workers are where I go first. So just do me a solid and jot that down.

In CACW Steve was not against government regulation, he was against taking the first willy-nilly psudo-solution dropped into the Avengers' laps just to get back into the good graces of the public. The only possible correlation to Covid with this would be if we had gone with what we were first told in February 2020: "oh lol I guess there's this weird virus popping up, but they're probably going to shut down flights in and out of the country for a few weeks so it's nothing we need to worry about" and stuck with that all this time. Oh man, remember those days? Thing is, we did do what covid deniers said we should do in the beginning: nothing.

Steve wanted more time to make decisions in order to foster a better relationship between enhanced individuals and those in power who are responsible when things go south. He refused to be forced into them out of misplaced emotion and desperation. The fine print matters. His priority has always been to support public safety. It's why in every conflict you can see him actively going out of his way to limit and mitigate the damage they cause. Is he perfect at it? No. Does he care that he isn't? Yes. Steve also knew the Accords were not drawn up in a day, and there was a reason its creation was kept from them. He wanted, at the very least, to be part of any decision making, part of the solution, and even to help write that two inch thick book that got thrown at them at the last moment. He didn't even get so far as the option to. When Covid first really started to haul in, no one had a clue what was going on. People were dying, hospitals were overflowing, the chain of commerce was in shambles, and quite literally everyone was scrambling for answers. The start of Covid is not comparable to the start of CACW. At all.

Steve would have been on the ball had he felt the Accords was actually for everyone's collective good, and not just certain people who had more than a small chance of wanted the leash to a private military force to do with as they pleased. Not only that, but the Accords does not come close to addressing the sheer monumental scale of global public safety like Covid regulations do (or try to), it was about international control over enhanced individuals; when they could do things, how they could do things, why they could do things, and every personal freedom they, and they alone, would be forced to give up in order to continue saving the world (an optional career choice). A handful of people in a world of billions. It was a conflict of interest, heavily discriminatory, and a smoking gun in the wrong hands, sure, but isolated. Like a car wreck on the highway. If you're not directly involved, at most all you can do at is watch it, discuss it, meme it, and move on with little to no further thought about it.

Covid affects everyone alike, regardless of your political affiliation, religion, employment, gender, age, where you live, etc. It's killed and permanently debilitated infants, young children, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. It's killed disabled people with a laundry list of health problems, and it's killed healthy 25 year olds in the prime of their lives. No one can avoid the reach of it unless they live in the mountains. If the Accords had been intended for literally every person alive and we all witnessed it's creation from first word to final draft, you can bet your life savings everything in CACW would have gone much, much differently. It is not comparable in the slightest.

And even as things were, Steve almost signed when Tony said they could amend the Accords and help Bucky. Steve picked up the pen. What stopped him was finding out that Wanda was under house arrest for no reason--No. Reason.--other than Tony felt it was a good idea to protect her by detaining her against her will. And that's exactly what Steve was afraid of. When it comes to Covid regulations, people are still subject to the rule of law, and you have your basic human rights. A right to life and liberty, freedom from slavery and torture, freedom of opinion and expression, right to work and education, etc. But it's not a perfect system. What do you do when allowing you your right to freedom of expression/opinion infringes on someone else's right to life? It's not enough to ask everyone to just be careful and mindful of their fellow human beings. Clearly. You can tell someone "hey I'm sensitive to loud noises could you please keep your voice down" and be met with "WHY ARE YOU TONE POLICING I HAVE A RIGHT TO YELL IF I WANT TO." Giving people the "right" to decide whether they want to care or not care about their fellow man is exactly how we got here. Mandates, like laws, are in place so one person's idiocy has less of a chance of killing someone else.

The difference between the willingness to coexist--understanding there needs to be an equity in how rights and needs are met--and the insistence to personal freedoms--over and above collective freedoms--is insane. There are compromises, but the personal freedom side seems to think a mask and a vaccine mandate is an equivalent injustice to dying of a 100% preventable viral disease. And every time I hear that comparison, it makes me want to yeet myself into the sun. Wish I could feel like we left eugenics in the past but nope, it's alive and well.

The entirety of CACW gave a snapshot of the Avengers' lives. It covers the span of less than a week. Covid, as I write this in Jan 2022, has been going on for over two years. If someone has better suggestions for public safety, frontline worker support, and options for the millions upon millions of people who have died and will continue to die, I'd love to hear them. But instead we're constantly stuck listening to endless criticism of the way things are being done, while simultaneously doing nothing to help or change that. It's infuriating. When those who demand everyone value the life of a fetus refuse to extend the same value to the life of an autonomous human being, I lose my mind a little more.

The problem with comparing Covid mandates to what Team Cap was up against with the Accords is seeing Team Cap purely as an opposition to governing authority, which is entirely missing the point of what their motivations and goals were. Team Cap is about protecting the rights of everyone, and not standing by when very obviously discriminatory and exceptionally dangerous policies are made. The demand for individual rights during a global pandemic comes at the cost of ignoring every voice snuffed out after begging people to be careful and the voices of those who are doing everything they can to keep those of us who are left safe. Ignoring a public health crisis doesn't sound like Team Cap to me at all. Steve never once said "I don't understand why you're overreacting about this, only 20 people died in Lagos and they probably lied on the report anyway to make it sound worse than it is. What about the thousands we left alive?" he said "people died, and that's on me." Every death hits him hard. He did not ignore the other side of the equation. He didn't say the threat wasn't there, or that people were being unreasonable about what they rose up with concerns about how the Avengers conducted themselves. What he said was that if he were going to be held to the expectations of someone else outside the Avengers, he wanted to know what their agenda was first. The first option given doesn't, and shouldn't, have to be the only one. He refused to place blind faith in an untrusted and unproven authority, and when push came to shove, he ensured that authority could not kill anyone [just because], even when it did in the end cost him his freedom.

The thing is, nothing done will ever seem important or realistic when you don't believe bad things are happening. Team Cap could have walked away and saved themselves so much pain and suffering, but they kept going. They knew what they were risking taking action, and they knew what they were risking of they did nothing. And even with all that, nothing they did came to an even remote degree of the impact Covid has had. Team Cap's actions had a very localized reach and potential for genuine injury, but they remained on the side of protecting life and rights first and foremost. One death does not justify another. Every human has the right to due process, even if they are guilty. And the death toll in CACW did not reach into the hundreds of thousands like Covid has. It was not a threat to the health and safety of every person in every community on every continent on this planet. Every time someone dies from complications that arise in full or in part because of Covid, the chasm between the two sides of "you're infringing on my rights" and "we have to do something" gets deeper.

And seeing Covid mandates repeatedly compared to some of the worst atrocities our world has ever seen is something else... I can't even articulate the level of rage it makes me feel. And when the rage ebbs, it just makes me intensely sad.

[xxreader-writerxx]

Stay. Please?

Word count: 1.1k

Fred Weasley x Fem Reader

Warnings: Cursing, angsty, Panic Attacks (Reader), Poor Plot, Mentions of drinking, Arranged Marriage,

A/n: I live! Sorry for not posting, school has been wild. I finally get a break and only doing online assignments because of a super high fever and stuck on bed rest (almost got sent back home due the nurse thinking I had COVID from how bad it was. Sent to the hospital. They said just the usual fever and I'll be fine soon). This is my sort of redemption for the Draco bash in my last imagine lol.

Y/N= Your Name L/N= Your Last Name Y/H= Your House

Requests! Open!

(I'll write about anyone from Harry Potter! I'm desperate for ideas lol)

I'm going through RVSPs when a certain name has a big fat "Sad To Miss It" I grab my phone and go to my balcony, dialing his number. "Yes?" I hear a groggy Fred answer. "What the hell Fred?" I ask and I hear him sit up. "Hey beautiful. What's up?" He asks and I close the door behind me. "Why the hell are you not coming to my wedding?!" I ask and he sighs. "I don't have a date and I'll probably get drunk and ruin everything." He explains and I groan. "You have to come. Fred if you don't go... I won't go." I state and he laughs. "I don't think you can skip your own wedding dear." He tells me and I tear up. "Fred please come." I whisper and I hear shuffling. "Don't fake cry so I'll pity go." He jokes, not knowing my tears are real. "How bout I ignore the RSVP, act like you never sent it back and you can show up if you want. Please." I ask and he sighs. "Ok fine. But don't ask what type of meal I want or any of that." He tells me and I nod biting my lip. "Alright, I'll see you there." I choke out.

I hang up at the sound of my door opening. "Ms. L/n, you must meet your parents and future husband down stairs for a fitting." She states and I nod, wiping my tears. Her eyes hide a silent pity.

"I love it." Draco says more towards my parents than anything. "Us too. This one Sylvie." She tells the woman sewing my dress. I finally get released and I stiffen when Draco kisses my hand. "I'm feeling ill." I state, running to the bathroom, vomiting from the feeling deep in my stomach. I hear the door open as I sob/vomit. "Are you alright my love?" Draco asks softly. "Please go away." I whisper through my tears. "What's wrong?" He asks and I tear up again. I turn and look at him. "I don't love you! That's my problem! And you don't love me! I see how you look at Pansy! Why must we do this!? I can't! I love someone else! He holds my heart and he will never let it go!" I cry and he leans on the tub behind us nodding. "I know... I know..." He whispers, wiping my chin clean and allowing me to lay against him. "But we sadly must." He tells me and I shake my head. "I can't. We should run away, go to our lovers. Love them." I cry and he clutches me, not allowing himself to cry. "We can't."

***

He's not here. He didn't come. I look through the crowd trying to find the one boy I do love. Nothing. He didn't show. I look Draco in the face tearing up. "I can't. Draco I can't." I whisper, eyes filled with tears. "Hey you can, keep your eyes on me, imagine I'm him." He tells me, tearing up as well. "And do you Y/n L/n take this man-"

"I can't I'm so sorry." I whisper, running back down the aisle. I hear my parents yelling behind me but I ignore them. There is a storm inside me as I run that takes a physical form as rain pours. I get to his apartment and bang on the door. He opens the door and I keep my eyes on his. "You didn't come." I state and he looks at me surprised. "I didn't think you were serious." He says.

"Why didn't you come?" I ask. "I told you why Y/n." He whispers. I ram my body into his, wrapping my arms around him, letting the tears pour. "I needed you there." I cry and he closes the door still holding me close. "What's wrong? Why are you so worked up on this?" He asks worried. "I-I-I" I stutter, feeling the air from my lungs be taken. I feel my entire body shake, my heart throb, every noise I can hear and it's unbearable, I hyperventilate as he sits me down. "Woah woah... Beautiful shh shh shh..." He whispers, rubbing my arm softly. "God I look insane right now!" I cry out in stutters. "No you don't your just upset. Calm down..." He whispers.

He wrangles me into the bath to clean the mud and tears from my face, staying outside except for when I ask for any spare clothes . I walk out, eyes still puffy and lay my head on his lap. "Why weren't you there?" I ask, my voice gravely from the tears. He sighs putting his book down. "I'll sleep on the couch." He tells me and I shake my head grabbing him. "Stay. Please?" I ask and he shakes his head. I don't let go staring up with pleading eyes. "Fine you know why I didn't go? It's because... God... I- I'm in love with you Y/n L/n! You have trapped me in a chokehold of love. Ever since I met you in our first year, ten years ago, I've loved you. Your eyes sparkle when you laugh, your loving hold when someone is sad, god your clingy in the best way! But I can't- I can't be loving you. Not when you love someone else." He rants and I pull him down. "You're an idiot Fred Gideon Weasley." I whisper, pushing my lips against his. He holds my face against his, his lips moving with mine until he pulls away. He backs up wiping his lips. "I shouldn't of done that..." He breathes out.

"Why not?" I ask, forgetting all the events of today from the kiss. "Because! You're married! And-And..." He tries and I hold up my hand. "I left. Freddie. I didn't want to marry him!" I say and he looks at me confused. "Th-Then why... It was an arranged marriage." I nod slowly and he starts to slowly walking towards me. "So th-that means... You aren't married... You are single... And if I snogged you right now... I wouldn't feel any guilt?" He says, taking a step each sentence. I nod biting my lip and he rushes to kiss me, laying me on the bed. I smile into the kiss as he kisses me passionately. "I've wanted to kiss you for so long..." He pants, kissing my face here and there.

"I could say the same." I whisper and he smiles.

We fall asleep an hour later, our limbs entangled as he lays on my chest, listening to my heart beat. Feeling the happiest than we've been in a long time. And knowing our happiness will never end as long as we are with the other.

[astranva]

Not One of Them.

// masterlist //

Word Count: 9.9k

Category: Fluff, single mom!Y/N

Warning: Some strong language. Slight mention of abortion. Not proof-read.

Note: time-skip to when covid-19 is dead ok

Summary: Harry is lyrically stuck, Y/N is the new big songwriter. She’s also a single mom to a 4-year-old girl.

Early italics are flashbacks.

..

When you’re a young mother, the world isn’t always the kindest, especially when no partner is in the picture.

While you were young, having had baby Faith when you were only 21, you applauded yourself for years for the effort you poured into raising a child alone – with the help of family and friends, and too many books and videos, but you get the point.

Faith wasn’t a mistake, you hate it when anyone even dares to imply so, but she was unplanned. You were in a toxic on-and-off relationship for 3 years, at some point believing that it might have been an open relationship because of the amount of times you caught your ex-boyfriend flirting with women and men right in front of you.

You had done your part after knowing that you were pregnant after one drunken night that led to a rough make-up session. You approached your ex, sat him down and broke the news;

“I’m pregnant.”

“Whose is it?” He had asked, face falling.

Yours scrunched up in anger, almost disgust at the implication. “Yours, you dumb-fuck! I don’t sleep around while I’m in a relationship like some people.” You had emphasized.

He ignored your comment, releasing a sigh. “You aren’t keeping it, are you?”

You were never against abortion. You were never against planned pregnancy. You had freaked out alright on your own when you were confirmed pregnant, but something inside you told you to hold on to the human inside of you, to that little bundle of oblivion – a little bundle of faith.

It was when he asked you that one question, his tone almost sure that you would abort the child, that you felt angry tears pool your eyes. “I am.”

He wasn’t ready to hear it and his wide eyes showed that, “Wh-What do you mean you are? I can’t have a fucking baby! This wasn’t supposed to get this real!”

“This real?” You had chuckled bitterly, “You stay with me for 3 years, fuck me over more than I can count then you always come crying for me, then tell me it wasn’t supposed to get this real?” You stood up, draping your bag over your shoulder, “I’m having the kid, Will. It’s over between us and-“ you gulped, swallowing back the tears as you pointed at him, “I never want to see you again.”

“You bet your fucking ass you won’t.” He had grumbled, tearing eye contact to look somewhere else but your death glare before you left.

 Besides the university halls, Will had managed to stay out of your sight and you were grateful for that. Pregnancy was a roller-coaster, one you definitely screamed during all ride of, but nothing and nobody prepared you for the moment when you gave birth to your little love.

Your roommate and best friend, Cece, had driven you to the hospital and notified the rest of your family and friends, and you were glad that during that very period of time, you had someone beside you.

It was when you held your little love that it all faded away; the pain, the loss, the confusion, the fright – everything faded away the moment your skin made contact with your daughter’s, watching her with pure love and admiration.

You hadn’t picked a name before that moment, only nodding and smiling to the showering of recommendation from people, but one name wasn’t recommended, not even mentioned.

“Faith. You’re my little Faith.”

“You’re looking a little sick, honey. Have you been eating well? You overwork yourself-”

“Mom, mom,” you laughed quietly, tearing your eyes from watching your daughter play with her cousins before looking at your mom beside you, “I’m alright. Last project was challenging, that’s all.”

“Who were you writing for this time?” your mom asked with pride and excitement, curious to know the name of yet another big celebrity her daughter had been working with.

“Adele.” You smirked as you sipped your juice, hearing your mom gasp with a hand to her heart before letting out a small squeal.

In her dungarees and sandals, Faith ran towards you, making you set your juice aside to welcome your daughter in your arms. “Mommy, did you see me win Tag?”

“Yes! You were amazing!” You hyped your daughter up, pressing a sloppy kiss on her cheek, making Faith giggle.

With Faith standing between your legs, talking to her grandma, you checked your watch. “Ah, shoot. I better get going.”

“Will you be here for bedtime story?” Faith asked, looking up at you as you slung on your tote bag and held your car key in one hand before kneeling in front of your daughter.

“I will be, baby. Don’t give Nana a hard time, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“I love you.” With one last hug and a kiss on her cheek, you smiled at your daughter who clung to your neck, pressing a sweet kiss on her cheek.

“I love you.” Faith replied, moving to stand with her nephew after waving at you as you left.

“Call me at any time if anything happens or if you need anything, Mom, yeah?” You said as you walked towards the door, your mother following behind.

“Wouldn’t want to disturb your wo-”

“Mom.” You stressed, turning to look at your mom, “Nothing like that. I’ll get going. Thank you for watching her.”

“Oh, don’t thank me. You know I love spending time with little Faith more than anything. Drive safely, honey.”

//

“Hey, Andrew, got you a donut.” You beamed as you approached the studio’s receptionist, a 19-year-old intern.

“You’re an angel.” Andrew sighed in contentment as he opened the box containing his donut before looking at you, “Just adopt me. I guarantee I’ll be the best brother to Faith.”

You laughed, “Think having a 19-year-old son will make me feel old. I’ll pass.”

“Dammit.” Andrew shook his head jokingly. “Meeting with Jeffery Azoff, huh?”

“Yeah, do you know if he got here yet?”

“Like 3 minutes ago.”

You checked your watch again, finding that it was just on time for your scheduled meeting, feeling glad that you weren’t late.

“Alright, I’ll see you on the way out.” You waved at Andrew who nodded at you while raising his donut before you set off down the hall and into the elevator.

Walking out and down the hallway, you approached the room you had agreed to meet Jeffrey in before knocking softly, hearing a distant “come in!”

Gently opening the door and sticking your head inside, your eyes moved to the couch where 2 men looked up at you; one was Jeffrey – you had seen pictures of him from when you worked once with his father – and the other was, undoubtedly in your mind, none other than Harry Styles.

“Y/N?” Jeff asked, him and Harry standing as you walked in and closed the door behind you, approaching them.

“Yes,” you smiled, reaching for a handshake which he had happily accepted, “It’s great meeting you.”

Harry’s eyes were set on you, a small smile on his face that did everything but mirror the surprise he felt. He wasn’t sure why; he didn’t have any expectations but he certainly didn’t expect to see someone as radiant as you were.

You looked at him next with a polite smile as you reached for a handshake, “Pleasure meeting you. I’m a huge fan of your work.”

And God, his stomach flipped and his face flushed at the comment, feeling shy under your gaze as he shook your hand, “Thank you so much. Can say the same about your work, you’re very talented.”

“Thanks!” You beamed before motioning towards the couch, the 3 of you sitting down; Harry and Jeff on the couch, you on a chair across from them. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, thanks. Had the biggest cup of coffee just before coming here.” Jeff replied.

You turned to look at Harry, smiling and nodding when he raised his bottle of water.

“Alright, let’s get into it,” you leaned forward, “How can I help you?”

Jeff looked at Harry, signaling for him to talk.

“I know it hasn’t been a year since I released Fine Line,” Harry moved his hands as he talked, looking at the carpeted floor underneath him before looking up at you, “But I’ve been writing ever since but- something is missing. Something is wrong. I wrote 9 tracks so far, all of them are unfinished because I just feel like they’re missing something. I have the idea, have the concepts, sometimes I have the tunes,” he counted on his fingers, “But I can’t finish one song. It’s like I’m, like,” he shrugged, trying to find the right word.

“Stuck?” You suggested, staring at him with an assuring expression which he found soothing.

Harry’s body slumped, tilting his head slightly as he looked back at you and a soft, small smile made its way to his face at how you understood. “Yeah,” he nodded, “Yeah, stuck. That’s the word.”

“I get you,” you assured him, “Do you guys have any sort of deadline?”

“No, not really, no. Not yet.” Jeff shook his head.

“Great,” you clapped, your eyebrows going up, “Do you have any of these tracks’ lyrics now?”

“Yeah, lemme just-“ Harry reached beside him, holding his tote bag to take out his journal.

“Hey!” You grinned, grabbing his attention and making him look at you, seeing you holding out your tote bag to him.

You matched; right on the fabric in the middle was an illustrated design of a small cactus plant pot.

“I have the same one!” You looked down at yours before looking at him, Harry mirroring your actions before a grin broke out on his face.

“Well then, Y/N, it’s set. These will be the best songwriting sessions of the century. It’s fate.” He said dramatically in a joking manner, making you laugh quietly as you set your bag aside and he fished out his journal.

Flipping through the pages, he handed you his journal so you can see one of the songs he had half-written, watching as leaned back on the comfy chair, holding the journal in your hands and reading.

It was excruciating. Harry grew nervous, feeling funny in his stomach and he tried to convince himself that it might be the salad he had eaten prior to that meeting, and not that he was nervous you’d think he was the worst songwriter to-date.

He watched your eyes, taking notice of how you didn’t skim through the words, but read them carefully and taking your time to do so.

“This is really beautiful, Harry.” You said softly, eyes still on the page before looking up at him, oblivious to the breath Harry let out, “Really beautiful.”

“Thank you.” He smiled, discreetly wiping his sweaty hands on his pants.

“Not much damage really. The concept is clear. Post-breakup song.” You said, handing him his journal.

Harry nodded, confirming.

“Are the rest like that, too?”

“Not really,” Harry shook his head, “Figured that the last album had too many of that.”

You nodded, “Yeah, I understand. Just- I say take your time, honestly. I’ll help you with the songs you have, maybe we’d get inspired along the way to write new stuff, too, but you don’t want to force anything, you know? Sometimes some lyrics just aren’t meant to be, you know?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded.

“Don’t you worry,” you gave him a smile, “It’ll all work out.”

“Well, so do we have a deal?” Jeff asked with a smile, opening his arms.

“I’m in.”

Maybe it was because you said that as you looked at him, or maybe it was because he knew of how crazy talented you were – he had spoken to his good friend Ed Sheeran a week prior and Ed had sworn up and down on your talent and how “bloody lovely! Like a little bird” you were – or maybe it your smile – hell, it might be a combination of all that, but Harry was ecstatic to work with you.

“I’m very excited to work with you, Y/N.” Harry had said with a smile of his own.

“Likewise, Harry. It isn’t that common to find artists as real as you are.”

God, what was with your compliments that had him blushing?

“It’s a pleasure, Y/N,” Jeff, too, had said. “Let’s talk busi-”

“Let’s do that over lunch.” You pointed at him, standing up, “My treat.”

“You always this friendly with clients?” Harry joked with an amused smile, staring up at you.

But your smile dropped and instead, your face twisted to worry. “Oh God, I hope I’m not stepping boundaries. It’s just always a good idea to warm up to each other and- I’m sorry, you probably think this is unpro-”

“Hey, hey, no,” Harry was quick to stand, holding his hands out, “I didn’t mean it like that. I genuinely think you’re friendly. Half of the songwriters I worked with were strict and- Shit, no. Lunch sounds wonderful. Really wonderful.”

He felt like an ass. A proper one. He hadn’t meant to make you feel like you were too friendly but that didn’t turn out as well as he had thought.

“We’d love to, really. Besides, it’s probably a great idea that you and Harry know each other so the sessions can go smooth.” Jeff added, standing up.

At this, Harry found himself smiling when the smile returned to your face. “In that case, there’s a place nearby that makes amazing sandwiches and desserts.”

Jeff’s mind was squeaking from its gears working. There weren’t many people on this planet who were purely kind, and it was something he admired in Harry. But at that moment, Jeff knew he had met one more person who was genuinely kind, just like his best friend and “client” – he hated calling Harry that – and it was proof when you insisted that you could give them a ride to and from the place instead of them following behind you or using the GPS, Jeff sitting in the passenger seat during the ride to the place while Harry sat at the back.

The place was a 5-tabeled one, nothing big. One wall was decorated with polaroids of customers, the waiters and waitresses, the chefs, and another with colorful stick-notes with messages from customers. It was a lowkey place, one that Harry hadn’t visited during all his trips to the studio until that moment.

“Hey, Y/N!” The woman behind the counter beamed as she waved.

“Hi, Soph! How are you?”

Soph stood from the chair she was sitting on, taking a few steps back to show her pregnant bump, putting one hand to it, “Ready to pop!”

You had motioned towards a table to Harry and Jeff who were quietly watching the interaction.

You gasped, “Look at you! And you’re still coming to work? What a queen.”

Soph shrugged, sitting back down, “Got mouths to feed and a self to pamper.” She said before waving at Harry and Jeff, “Hello, gentlemen.”

Jeff waved with a smile while Harry added, “Hello! Congratulations on your pregnancy.”

“Why thank you, Mr. Styles.” Soph replied.

Harry liked it. The no-freaking-out. How homey it all felt.

“Rick will be with you in a sec.” Soph said.

You, Harry, and Jeff sat on the circular table, both Harry and you hanging your tote bags on their chairs.

“You come here often, huh?” Harry started the conversation, crossing his arms on the table and leaning forward.

“You have no idea. You’d think I don’t know anywhere else.” You chuckled, “Been coming here ever since I was in college.”

Harry’s eyebrows went up in surprise, “Really? How long ago was that?”

“Graduated 3 years ago, first came when I was 19 so that’s about 6 years.”

“True loyal customer you are.” Harry said.

“What did you study, Y/N?” Jeff asked.

“Music composition. Was the disgrace of the family.” You joked, “Definitely had no idea the entire time if I would actually work or not.”

“But look at you now, one of the best.” Harry motioned towards you.

You waved him off with a bashful smile, “None of that. I still have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, I just get paid now.”

“Who even knows what they’re doing now?” Harry rhetorically asked, “We’re just, going with the flow.”

“Word, sir. Word.” They heard, the 3 of them turning to see the waiter – Rick – by their table.

Harry laughed, “Right?”

“Absolutely. I don’t remember the last time my plans didn’t get fucked. Just riding now.” Rick shrugged.

Harry raised his fist up for a bump, Rick bumping his fist into Harry’s.

Time seemed to pass as Harry and Jeff let you order for them, talking about the music industry and sharing funny stories while at it, as well as you had discussed your own business as you ate the club sandwiches and sipped on the iced tea.

“What are you doing?” You asked with a funny face as Harry took out his wallet after you had asked for the check.

“Paying?”

“Yeah, no. Said it’d be my treat.” You pointed at him, raising one eyebrow with a smile.

“Come on, I can’t just let you pay for us on the first day we meet.”

“Let’s at least split the bill.” Jeff suggested, watching as you shook your head.

“Absolutely not.” And with that, you stood up and walked towards Soph, paying for the food.

“How much do you want to bet that something will happen between the both of you?” Jeff asked quickly with a smirk, looking at Harry with a knowing look.

Harry’s eyes widened, tearing his gaze from being on you to his friend and manager, “What?”

“How much?”

“I just met her.” Harry tried to reason with him, finding Jeff to be bizarre and irrational. Hopeful, but irrational.

Jeff only gave him a shrug, “That’s a first.”

“That’s enough rom-coms at night for you, Jeffrey.”

At the sight of you walking back towards them, they both stopped talking and instead, smiled. “All sorted.”

“Thank you so much, Y/N. You really didn’t have to.” Harry stood, slinging his tote bag on his shoulder.

“I wanted to. Please don’t mention it.” You had smiled as you replied, the 3 of you putting back your chairs. “Bye, Soph!”

“Bye, sweetie!”

“Congratulations again on your pregnancy and good luck.” Harry put both hands together, pursing his lips into a polite smile at the woman behind the counter.

“You’re a sweetheart. Thank you, kind sir.” Soph joked, tipping an imaginary hat at him to which Harry responded to by holding up the tips of his imaginary skirt, putting one foot behind the other in a curtsy making you giggle.

With no spoken words, Jeff was quick to get into the backseat, pursing his lips to stifle his laughter at Harry’s face, who looked at him with wide eyes and an expression that screamed “What the fuck are you doing?” but he got into the passenger seat nonetheless, oblivious to the light shade of red that visited his cheeks but aware of the heat his face seemed to radiate.

The ride back to the studio wasn’t quiet. The radio was on for some background music but you and Harry were too engaged in a conversation to take notice of the songs playing. Anyone could have asked you what even started the conversation of French toast and you wouldn’t know how to reply because none of you knew how you suddenly began talking about French toast.

“Have you tried soaking the toast in lemon?” You asked, tone excited and face breaking into an eager smile.

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed, “Haven’t, no. How good is it?”

“God, it’s,” you shook your head, almost closing your eyes in delight as if you tasted the toast that moment but refrained because you were driving, “It’s so good.”

So what Harry secretly wished the ride was longer? He wanted to talk about French toast. That was definitely why.

“Y/N, it’s a pleasure working with you.” Jeff said, “Thank you for the food.”

“It’s no problem.” You smiled at him, turning around to look at him once you were parked.

“I’ll wait for you in the car.” Jeff said, patting Harry’s shoulder before getting out of the car.

Harry took a breath, slapping his hands against his thighs, “Well, that was fun.”

You nodded, looking back at him with a bashful smile that you mentally scolded yourself for; why were you getting bashful?

“Is it alright if I take your number from Jeff?” Harry asked quickly, “Uh, so we can schedule meeting up for the sessions.” He quickly added, “The writing sessions.” He nearly cringed at his addition and he guessed you caught on because you giggled quietly before straightening your posture.

“Actually, Jeff has my business number. Maybe you can just, take my personal one so I can reply faster. You know, the sooner the better.” You cleared your throat, nodding to yourself.

Harry’s lips stretched into a side smile as he looked at you before he coughed and nodded, “Definitely. The sooner you reply, the sooner we meet. For the writing sessions.”

“Yeah and I can give you the lemon toast recipe.” You said before your eyebrows rose up, “For business purposes, of course.”

Harry’s smile widened at that, holding out his phone for you to take after he unlocked it. “I’d love that.”

You typed in your number before handing his phone back to him, watching as Harry glanced down at it before your phone began ringing, “And that’s mine.” He said, watching you unlock you phone and type before you locked it back.

“Then it’s settled.”

“I’ll text you.” He smiled before opening the door and standing out, ducking to look at you, “Next time, lunch is on me.” And with that, Harry gave you a wave before closing the door and walking away, only giving you a smile over your shoulder and another wave before getting into the car with Jeff.

After getting some snacks from the grocery’s with a shit-eating grin on your face, you drove back to your mom’s to pick Faith up.

You stood on the other side of your car, watching the door open before you saw Faith, her backpack on her back with her grandma standing behind her.

At the sight of her Mommy, Faith was quick to grin before running to you and into you arms as if she hadn’t seen you 4 hours ago.

You hugged your daughter, pressing a kiss to her hair as you did. “Did you have fun?”

Faith nodded before she pulled away from the hug, still keeping her arms around you, “What about you? Did you have fun, Mommy?”

You almost blushed as you remembered, opting to reply a simple reply instead of getting into details. “I did. Ready to go?”

//

After giving Faith a shower and giving yourself one, too, you and Faith were sat in the comfort of your cozy apartment, sitting on the couch and watching The Greatest Showman for the umpteenth time seen as it was Faith’s favorite. With her cheddar cheese and lettuce sandwich in her right hand and favorite dinosaur toy in the other – a “Megalosaurus not a T-Rex, Mommy” – Faith was cuddling into your side while one hand of yours played with her wild hair as the other tapped absentmindedly on your phone’s screen, eyes set on the television.

“And if it’s crazy, live a little crazy.” Faith sang along with Hugh Jackman, eyes wide as if she was seeing the movie for the first time.

“You can play it sensible, a king of conventional.” You joined her, peppering kisses on her cheek causing her to squeal and giggle.

As Faith sang along with the song, you opened your phone’s camera before switching it to video, flipping the camera so that it was the front one. You started recording, the screen showing you your face as you smiled with pride, tilting it so Faith was shown as she sang, unaware of you recording.

Only 12 seconds into the video, a message pop-up had your eyes traveling to it, falling on a text preview from none other than the young man you were with that day – Harry.

‘Hey, Y/N. Sorry to bother but would you be able to send me that lemon toast recipe? Might treat myself to it tomorrow morning. Sorry for the bother. :) Harry’

After stopping the video and opening the text and reading it, if it weren’t for Faith, you wouldn’t have known that you had a grin on your face.

“Why are you smiling so big? Did Auntie Cece send a picture of her cat?” She had asked, looking up at you with curiosity.

Looking down at her, you laughed slightly at yourself. “No, she didn’t.”

“You look happy.”

There were many things you loved about your daughter, many things you were in awe at. As only a kid, Faith was one of the most empathetic people in your life and that moment as you both cuddled on the couch was proof.

With a matching grin, Faith’s eyes twinkled with glee at the sight of her smiling mom, curious to know the reason.

“They aren’t singing This Is Me yet!” Faith added, knowing that the both of you usually laughed and giggled while singing that song, only because you always sang it so dramatically and at the top of your lungs.

“Just happy you’re finally done with the sandwich because now I can do this!” And with that, you tickled her, Faith breaking into laughter and giggles as she tried to stop you.

5 minutes later, Faith was back to watching the movie while you typed a reply.

‘hey, harry! it isn’t a bother 😊 i’ll write it down and send it in a moment :))’

‘Thank you! x’

And you wrote it down and sent it to him, adding little notes, too just to make sure that he perfected the toast.

‘let me know how that goes for you :) x’

‘Will do, love. Talk to you soon. Goodnight :) x’

‘goodnight, harry x’

As if your little love took that as a sign, you looked down at her as you felt her body grow heavier against you and noticed her breath get steady, seeing her eyes closed as she snoozed.

Carefully, you turned off the television before holding her with your arm so she didn’t fall down as you stood, bending to carry her before kneeling a little to grab her fallen dinosaur, letting out a tiny groan as your back ached.

Tucking her in her bed, you sat beside her for a moment, brushing her hair back softly before bending to kiss her forehead.

“Story?” She sleepily asked, struggling to open her eyes.

You chuckled, “You’re already asleep, nugget.”

She hummed, still struggling to open her eyes, “Okay. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” You smiled before standing up, walking towards her small vanity and turning on her star light lamp.

Just as you were out of the door, you lingered, turning to look back at your daughter, “Was I really smiling big?”

In her sleepy state, Faith managed to reply. “Very big, Mommy.”

You chuckled to yourself and shook your head before walking out and towards your own room.

//

Harry felt like a kid. He was too excited that morning to get up and get on with his breakfast, wanting to deny that it wasn’t because he wanted a reason to text you, but who was he trying to lie to? No one, he was alone.

He followed the recipe, chuckling and laughing to himself during some moments when he was about to fall for some mistakes before reading your notes and saving his toasts, as if you were sitting right there and monitoring him.

His playlist was playing from his phone that he held in his hand, and he was humming along as he placed the two toasts on a plate before adding some powdered sugar to them and grabbing his juice.

Before eating, Harry had taken his time in taking a picture of his breakfast, thankful for the natural light his kitchen window was giving for his little photoshoot.

He was just as much nervous as excited as he sliced up a piece before taking a bite, taking his time to taste his work and his eyebrows shot up and he blinked twice in surprise.

It was so good.

While eating another slice, Harry held his phone and opened his messages app, going to your contact.

Attaching the best picture from his breakfast photoshoot, he added a text with it,

‘Tastes incredible! Would have burned it to coal if it weren’t for your notes hahah x’

And he put his phone back on the table, open at your messages as he continued eating while listening to music.

He was mid-sip of his juice when you replied and Harry hated how excited he got because the next thing he knew, he was having a coughing fit that had him go tearful before finally calming down.

‘looks incredible, too! oh trust me, i know. burned a fair amount of toasts on my own so i decided to spare you the damage. you’re a quick learner :)) x’

That morning, you and Harry exchanged multiple texts, drifting from his breakfast to how you both wished to have dogs.

It was around 4 when you were driving back with Faith from her gymnastics practice when Harry called, thankfully just as you were unlocking the door to your apartment.

“Hey.” You smiled to yourself as you answered, taking off your shoes by the door beside Faith’s before closing the door behind you, watching as Faith went to the bathroom to wash her hands.

“Hi,” Harry, too, was smiling to himself as he held the phone close to his ear, “I was walking around and I found this tiny restaurant that reminded me of where you took us yesterday and, apparently they make the best Italian pizza. Was wondering if you wanted to grab pizza with me and we can talk about, you know,” he chuckled, “The sessions.”

You thought, mind instantly going to who would watch Faith as you went before your eyes fell on your daughter who came back, whispering to you if she should wait for you in the bathroom seen as you were on the phone.

“One second,” you said to Harry before moving the phone from your ear and muting the sound, “Yeah, baby, do that. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

You unmuted, “Hey, sorry about that.”

“No worries.”

He was growing nervous at how you were yet to reply to his suggestion, having already had been nervous enough to suggest and call in the first place.

“Pizza and talking sound lovely.”

He released a breath, smiling to himself. “Great, great! Pick you up at 6?”

“Sure, yeah. 6 is great. I’ll go now. See you soon, Harry.”

“See you soon, Y/N.”

You didn’t trust strangers to watch your daughter, didn’t exactly trust strangers in your house unattended, too. It’s why at times when you couldn’t drive the 40-minute drive to your mom’s, your best friend, Cece, was always your go-to and that was especially nice because she also lived two buildings away.

Cece’s job was one from her home, making food and delivering it to people while she managed her business on her own through social media and it was why most of the time, she was home and always happy to have her goddaughter keep her company.

After calling Cece to make sure she was okay with babysitting Faith for some time and her assuring you that she was, you prepared dinner for your daughter after giving her a shower.

“Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving, baby?” You asked as you sat with Faith while she ate the pasta you made her.

It wasn’t frequent of you to leave Faith for anything but work. Maybe for a night out with some friends every now and then but you always went out with them for 3 hours tops before you began feeling guilty for leaving your daughter and going back to get her so you can spend time together instead.

And it wasn’t like you were frequently going on dates either. Cece had pushed you into it when Faith was 2, and you did go out a few times with different people, all whom you never heard of whenever they knew that you had a daughter and then you decided that maybe the single mom life was just too welcoming of you.

Hell, you didn’t know whether you should call having pizza with Harry a date. It wasn’t, was it? Not that you’d mind but it was for business, wasn’t it? Strictly business. Or maybe it wasn’t and that was fine by you- and now you were beginning to feel like a teenager again. Great.

“Mommy,” Your 4-year-old huffed, rolling her eyes, “I’m a big girl. You should have more fun.”

You couldn’t believe that you were getting advice from a 4-year-old, especially your daughter, but you deserved that.

“When did you get so big?” You rhetorically asked, “Thank you for being understanding, Nugget.”

Faith smiled at you, kicking her legs as she ate. “Where are you going?”

Now that question you weren’t prepared for, as much as you thought about it.

You couldn’t risk telling too much to Faith, knowing that she got excited over new people and couldn’t risk disappointing her if Harry ended up being, well, not one to stick or friendly to kids of single moms.

But at the same time, your daughter was your best friend. It was because of your honesty with her and how you acknowledge her and treat her that she was an understanding and empathetic person who could hold a conversation.

“Well, you know Harry Styles? The man who sings Canyon Moon?” You asked, knowing that that song was on her top favorite songs list after she had heard it once on the radio as you were driving her to her practice.

She nodded, “The pretty man with drawings?”

She had been curious to see the face behind her favorite song and once you showed her a picture, her smile got big and she had said that he was “very pretty” and had “nice drawings that she wanted to color in” meaning his tattoos.

You chuckled, “Yes, that one.” Again, Faith nodded. “Well, I’m helping him with his songs and I’m going to have dinner with him tonight.” You said, crossing your arms on the table.

Faith dropped her fork, looking at you with wide eyes and an open mouth, causing you to laugh heartfully at your daughter. “Mommy, really?!”

You nodded, opening your phone’s camera to record her, Faith not caring.

“Mommy you’re meeting Harry Styles!”

“I am,” you laughed, “Are you happy?”

“Very happy I’m going to cry!” She gasped, “Can I see him? Please, Mommy, please!”

“I don’t know, Nugget. I might have to ask him.”

“Do you think he’ll say no?” She frowned, “I can wear my Harry dress!”

And by her Harry dress, she meant the Fine Line black tee you had bought her, and even though it was sized small, she was only a toddler so you had resulted for her to wear it as a dress after you had trimmed it and its sleeves and had your mom fit it as tight as she could without damaging it. Needless to say, whenever your daughter wore the oversized tee dress, you had to snap multiple pictures of her because she always looked too adorable and fashionable in it.

“I don’t know what he’ll say but I’ll ask him. And yes, you can. You always look adorable in it.” You smiled, still recording her.

“Can you tell him I love his songs? I love Canyon Moon so much an-Oh! And Sunflower, too!” She grinned, “Are you going to show him this video?” Faith asked as she looked at you.

You shrugged, “You want me to?”

She nodded excitedly before looking at the camera, “Mr. Harry, I love you very much, sir. I hope I can see you but Mommy said she’ll ask you so please say yes. Make Mommy happy, not sad. Goodnight, sir.”

Your heart might have as well exploded that moment as she waved before you ended the video.

As if he was waiting for you to finish, your phone began ringing the moment you stopped recording, finding Harry calling you which made you instantly pick up the moment Faith began eating again.

“Hey, do you like strawberries?” He asked, the moment you picked up.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion but a silly smile took over your face nonetheless, “Uh, yes?”

“Alright, great. I’ll see you soon. Bye!”

//

To make matters easier, once Harry had texted you that he was 2 minutes away, you grabbed your bag and left your apartment and into the elevator before walking outside your building, just in time to see a yellow Ferrari Dino pull up.

You smiled at him, watching as he parked before getting out, “Did I keep you waiting for long?” He asked as he approached you.

“No, just came down.” You answered, watching as he reluctantly slightly opened his arms. He was a hugger.

You wrapped your arms around him in a greeting hug, taking notice of how good he smelled. Just as good as he looked; he was in off-white textured knit Wales Bonner polo, paired with his Gucci flared denim pants and off-white Converse. Nobody should be allowed to look that good in casual clothes.

It wasn’t like Harry’s mind wasn’t doing flips at that moment, too. Instead of smelling like overpriced perfume, you smelled like coconut and roses; a refreshing smell that made Harry’s smile deepen enough for his dimple to make appearance. You, too, were in casual clothes; violet colored cropped culottes, a white tee tucked inside, white sneakers on, a black and white cross-bag and your hair was up in a messy ponytail that was kept by a hairband but you wrapped a black and white head bandana around the band just for the looks.

You looked effortlessly beautiful.

You both walked to his car, Harry opening the door for you before grabbing something from the passenger seat before you sat – a bouquet of strawberries.

“Didn’t know what type of flowers you like so,” he said before extending the bouquet towards you with sweetest and giddiest smile, “Hope that’s okay.”

You almost melted, your face changing to a pout as your head tilted to look at him while you accepted the bouquet, “This is so nice of you. Thank you, I love it.”

Alright so you don’t get strawberry bouquets to people you aren’t going on dates with, right?

The ride to the little pizzeria was nice – comfortably nice. You had shared the strawberries there and your stomach did a thousand flips when you offered Harry one only to have him open his mouth,

“I’m driving.”

And then he opened his mouth again, biting the strawberry you offered with your hand, laughing when it was about to drip on him if it weren’t for your fast reflexes – thank motherhood for that – as you held out your other hand beneath his chin.

By sharing strawberries, you mean you ate some as well as fed Harry some.

You both mentally took notice of how conversations flowed so effortlessly between you, as if you had met years ago and not just a day. Hell, even the texts were random and messy as well as entertaining and fun.

The drive wasn’t a long one, only about 20 minutes before Harry was parking in front of a place called ‘La Pizza’.

You both went outside the car, you waiting for Harry by your side as he walked towards you.

You might as well have melted right there and then when you felt Harry’s hand, very gently, on your back. It was very gentle, you almost didn’t notice and you felt that he was just making sure that he wasn’t making you uncomfortable but it was a reflex action of his. Nonetheless, you appreciated the concern and decided to show him that it was okay to touch you when you touched his arm as you both walked through the door.

Harry gulped, feeling hot as you touched him and he almost scolded himself because it only lasted for a second, yet there he was, getting flustered already. What the fuck was going on with him?

A waitress greeted the both of you, smiling widely as she motioned for you to follow her inside the place.

“There are more tables on the roof, would you want to check that?”

Harry looked at you the same moment you did at him, both of you nodding to each other to say that you wouldn’t mind.

“That would be great, thank you.” Harry said, smiling politely at the waitress who nodded and walked in front of you with the both of you following her up the stairs, Harry’s hand now more comfortably on your back as he walked behind you.

The roof was beautiful; cliché but beautiful fairy lights of small globe bulbs hung above the place, only 3 tables there, each at a good amount of distance from each other.

“Would you want to sit here or downstairs?”

Harry looked at you, you giving him a nod. “Here would be fine.”

The waitress nodded before guiding you towards a 2-chaired table. Harry had sat you down first before moving to his chair.

“Thank you.” You both said in unison as the waiter placed 2 menus in front of the both of you.

“I’ll be back to take your orders.” She smiled before leaving.

“Looks good.” You smiled at him before looking down at the menu.

“Didn’t know they had a roof.” Harry said, “This saved me.” He chuckled.

You looked up with confusion, “Saved you from what?”

Harry shrugged, now growing nervous. “Uh, wasn’t sure if taking you out for the first time here was chivalrous enough because it felt too casual, like a friends thing and not a date but now here seems right.”

He wished the ground he was on would split and swallow him whole. Wished to crawl up a hole and cry.

There were things he was practicing on on the way to you; like how he would hide that he was a nervous wreck, how he was excited to spend time with you, how he knew almost every single song you worked on, and finally, how he wouldn’t spill that he thought that was a date, no matter how much he wanted it to be.

You were amused. Contrary to how Harry truly felt, you thought it was nice that he was straightforward.

“Figured this wasn’t too casual the moment you gave me the strawberry bouquet, Harry.” You smiled, assuring him that you were okay with this being a date.

Looks like it wasn’t business after all.

Harry chuckled, raising an eyebrow, “That was nice, wasn’t it?”

You laughed, “Yes. Don’t think I was ever given a bouquet of fruit so yeah. Really nice.”

You both went through the menu, commenting on some plates and ingredients as you did and contemplating together.

“Maybe we should just get two pizzas and share, so we can try more than one option.” You suggested.

“Good idea.” He agreed, “What do you think of Quattro Formaggi?”

“Ooo, yes.” You then pointed on another topping, “Pizza Melanzane?”

“Yes.” Harry closed his menu with a nod.

Shortly after, your waitress came back and took your order before leaving.

“Finished a song yesterday.”

Your eyes widened as you took a sip of water before putting the glass back down, “Really?”

Harry nodded, “Yeah. A new one.”

“You mean you wrote a new one? Not finished writing one you already had?”

Again, he nodded, putting his arms on the table. “New. Very much new.”

You grinned at him, “That’s amazing. What is it about?”

Alright maybe he didn’t think that one through. He did write a song the previous night and he was proud of it and his gut did tell him that it would make it to the list of his next album, but telling you about it on your first – and he hoped it wasn’t the last – date? Well, not so ideal.

“It’s about opening up to someone new. Trying love again and unraveling yourself to the other person.”

Maybe it was because of your situation, but your breath hitched in your throat.

“You know when you get fucked from an ex and love as whole and you think that you don’t want to go through that again and you, like, close off,” Harry explained, “And it’s like you’re immune to feeling any sort of love or interest in anyone after that. Sure, maybe some sexual attraction here and there, but never something wholesome, you know?” He motioned with one of his rings clad hands as he talked, “But then you meet someone and you feel like a teenager or something,” he chuckled, “And it’s a nice feeling, it’s wonderful, that you start thinking that, hey,” he tilted his head, “Maybe I can do this again.”

You were speechless.

You were a woman of words, hell, you worked with words, but right then, you barely remembered the alphabets.

“You- You get me, right?” Harry asked.

You broke out of your trance, nodding absentmindedly, “Yeah, yeah, I,” you paused, an airy chuckle leaving your throat, “Man do I get you.”

He smiled in amusement, “Relatable?”

“Too much, you had me by surprise.” You answered honestly, releasing a breath.

It wasn’t a surprise to Harry that somebody broke your heart; it was always the good ones who got their hearts broken and got fucked over, always the givers.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling of shock at who would possibly have you at arm’s length, with the ability to kiss and cuddle you, and decide to break your heart?

See, maybe Harry had just met you but you know when you meet someone good. Someone kind. Especially when you’re in an industry that is full of shitty people and too many cold snobs.

“When was it?”

You understood his question, understanding that he meant to ask you about when your heart got broken – when somebody fucked you over.

“5 years ago.” You answered, “You?”

“2.”

“Cheers.” You joked, raising your glass of water to clink it to his, chuckling when he did clink them.

“5 years is a long time.” He commented, gentle with his tone as were his eyes.

“It is,” you agreed, “Got over him, really.”

“You met someone after?”

His question made you think again of your answer, causing you to giggle before correcting yourself, “Got over him as a person but not over the whole thing.”

Harry chuckled, “So no.”

You shook your head, “No. Didn’t have the heart to.” And even though your sentence carried double meanings, you took a mental note of that same sentence just for future songwriting sessions. “What about you? Met anyone after it?”

“Not really,” he shook his head, “Friends set me up with some people but it never went further than a day.”

“You don’t click?”

“No,” Harry answered before a small smile made its way to his face, “I didn’t.”

Your face grew hot, breaking eye contact to glance beside you for a moment.

“How long did it take to write that song yesterday?” You asked, turning back to look at him, growing more flustered to see that he was already looking at you with the same smile.

“Think 25 minutes.”

Your eyes widened, “Inspiration really did hit you, Harry, huh?”

“Grabbed the journal and guitar and I just ran to the studio at home, and it just,” he shrugged, “Happened.”

“Let it keep hitting you like that and we won’t be working together.” You said with a smirk.

“Then I’ll purposely distract myself whenever it hits me so I can see you.” Harry was quick to reply, a smug smile of his own on his face.

“Oh my God.” You whispered under your breath, shaking your head as you covered your face, hearing Harry laugh before feeling his hands on yours, guiding them down.

Shortly after, your waitress was back with your orders; both pizzas looking mouthwatering.

You and Harry decided against utensils, exchanging slices with your hands and granted, as Harry had said, they did make the best Italian pizza.

//

After the pizza and paying, you and Harry had grabbed ice cream from the parlor right next to the pizzeria before sitting in the car, remaining parked as you laughed about everything and anything.

“And I had no idea that Paul McCartney was right behind me the entire time. It was awful!” You finished, laughing more at how hard Harry was laughing at your story.

“Would’ve changed my name and moved out of this planet if I were you.” He teased you as he regained his breath.

“Oh, shut up!” You laughed, rolling your eyes at him.

Harry laughed, reaching out to place a hand on yours, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Embarrassing shit happens to me everyday, too. On stage is the worst.”

You tried to ignore the tingly feeling that rushed within you at his hand over yours, but good heavens, you were a goner. “The falls?”

“At some point I thought it was good my tour got postponed because I see myself falling during most of the songs. Imagine Watermelon Sugar, I’d be a clown.”

You laughed, “Probably so,” you teased him, batting your eyelashes jokingly when he feigned shock, “But really, you’re an amazing performer. I actually have been to one of your shows once.”

Harry’s eyes widened and as did his smile, “No way.”

You nodded, “The one in Glasgow in November.”  

“You’re telling me that we were in the same room and-“ Harry paused, shaking his heads as he let out a chuckle of disbelief, “Wow. Alright. Did you have anyone with you?”

“Was just me and Faith.” You answered nonchalantly, only realizing once you did before your looked intently at Harry.

“Is that a best friend?” He asked, “Did they enjoy the show?”

“She did, yeah. Very actually,” You chuckled, remember how surprised you were at how 2-year-old Faith at the time was actually very interested and was dancing in your arms the entire time. “And she is my best friend at some point but she’s my daughter.”

You didn’t know what you were expecting but you definitely weren’t expecting Harry to grin excitedly.

“You have a daughter?”

“Uh, yeah,” you nodded, a small smile on your face as you inspected him, “I do. She turns 5 in December.”

Harry only seemed to get more excited at the news, which made your heart flutter at the sight of.

“Do you have a picture?”

“Yeah, of course,” you smiled more then, eager to show him your beautiful girl before unlocking your phone and opening your photos album, only to find the most recent addition to it – the video. “Hey, actually, she wanted me to show you something.”

You gave Harry the phone to watch better, most of the time keeping your eyes on him. Harry’s cheeks sported a shade of red at how highly your daughter spoke of him, laughing and giggling to himself as he watched.

“Nooo, I won’t say no. I’d love to meet her.” He cooed, continuing to watch.

As the video ended, Harry handed you back the phone, “Please let me meet her. And what’s that Harry dress?”

And so you told him about your adventure with the tee, to which his heart seemed to grow a thousand times more at.

“I wasn’t aware kids loved me, I’m sorry you couldn’t find her size.” Harry frowned, feeling genuinely bad.

“Hey, no,” you assured him, putting your other hand on his – that was still resting on yours – “Don’t worry about it. You don’t exactly sing the alphabetics, Mr. sex-inspired-my-last-album-and-I-made-it-on-shrooms.”

Harry giggled, shrugging at you.

You both talked some more, only about Faith. Harry’s eyes were wide with admiration when you told him about how you raised her alone – also assured when he realized that the father wasn’t exactly in the picture even though his heart broke at that – and he showered you with compliments of how brave you were to raise a kid alone.

“Think I should head back now. I still need to pick Faye up from my best friend’s.” You said, leaning your head on the headrest as your body was turned towards Harry, his hand sandwiched between yours on your thigh.

“Can I help?” He asked, “Only if that’s okay. I don’t want to be crossing my limits.”

Your eyes searched his, growing emotional at the man in front of you. “Are you sure?”

Again with the double meanings.

That time, Harry noticed, his face softening as he looked back at you. Softly and ever-so-gently, he leaned to press a soft kiss on your cheek, “I’m sure.”

As he drove, you and Harry held hands on your thigh, the both of you singing along to Fleetwood Mac on your way.

As you gave Harry directions, he was absentmindedly rubbing your hand with his thumb. If you would have told him that he was doing that, he would have denied it; not because he wanted to deny it, but because it felt too natural that he didn’t realize he was doing it.

“Right here.” You pointed at a building, “She’s two buildings away. You can go, it’s a short walk.”

“I’ll wait for you here.” Harry said, parking before turning to look at you.

“Harry, seriously, you can leave if you want. I’m right there.” You pointed at your building.

“Nonsense, love. I’ll wait here.”

You sighed in contentment, giving his hand a squeeze before getting out of the car and into the building.

“Why did you not tell me that you were on a date with Harry fucking Styles?” Cece whisper shouted as soon as she opened the door, “Knew from Faith, you shit.”

“Because you’d overr-“

“He could be the one!”

“-react. You’d overreact and plan our wedding.” You teased your best friend, “Where’s Faye?”

“Won’t you come in for a drink?” She asked before turning, “Faith, it’s your mom!”

“Can’t. Uh,” you cleared your throat, “Someone’s waiting for me.”

“Some- No fucking way!” She exclaimed, muttering a “sorry” when you hushed her, “He-Harry is downstairs? Are you shitting me?” Cece excitedly asked.

You couldn’t stifle the smile on your face as you nodded.

Cece was about to talk some more before Faith appeared beside her, her backpack hung on one shoulder as she rubbed her eyes.

You knelt down, hugging her. “Hey, Nugget. You sleepy?”

Faith only nodded, wrapping her arms around you as you carried her, feeling her rest her head on your shoulder and you instantly knew that she slept.

“I’ll text you, alright?” You whispered to Cece.

“You better.”

Carrying Faith as well as having her backpack in one hand, once Harry saw you, he was out of the car and rushing towards you, taking the bag from your hand.

“Thank you.” You smiled thankfully, noticing how he walked beside you and guided you to the car, opening the door for you and sleeping Faith before closing it as gently as he could.

The lack of backseats made Harry place the purple backpack on his lap as he drove towards your building, a seconds drive.

He stopped the car and was out of his seat the moment he parked, slinging the bag on his shoulder before helping you out, taking your bag for you, to which you quietly thanked him for.

“Um, you can place the bags on my shoulders or something.”

“I can help you upstairs, come on. It’s no problem.”

You knew he was set on it and you let him, mostly because of how surprised you were that there were people who didn’t cringe and run the moment they knew the other person had a kid.

Harry did all the work; opened the building’s door for you, pressed for the elevator, pressed your floor number and had even taken out your keys once you told him to to unlock the door.

“Come in, come in.” You whispered.

Unsure of what to do, Harry walked inside and mirrored your actions by taking off his shoes before lingering.

“You can follow me.” You whispered again, turning around for a moment to look at him with a smile.

A quick take of the apartment was what Harry could do as he followed you, feeling an emotion of comfort and coziness engulf him as he did.

You were never less thankful for yourself for every time you changed Faith into pajamas before taking her to Cece’s, because it only made the process of tucking her in easier.

Harry had helped you by moving the covers so you could place Faith in bed before he stepped back, letting you tuck her in.

He smiled, watching how you seemed to shift around her or even when you just talked about her, like she was the most important person in your life and he knew that she was exactly that.

Faith was beautiful, and more often than not, you were glad that she got most of your looks and not her biological father’s because it only meant that he really was out of your life.

Harry noticed it, too. She had your nose, your lips, your facial outline, and your hair color. And from what he had seen in the video from when Faith was awake, she had your eye color.

You placed a kiss to her forehead before turning around, your eyes falling on Harry whose eyes were set on Faith with a ghost of a smile on his face.

His eyes came up to you and you noticed that he was still holding on to Faith’s backpack and was wearing your crossbag across his own chest.

You smiled as you grabbed the backpack from him and putting it aside on the floor before looking at him.

The only light in the room was from the hallway, making the room dimmed and making the both of you in a much more sentimental moment.

“They usually run away when they find about Faith.” You whispered, stepping closer to him, “Now is your cue.”

Harry’s eyes were on yours until they glanced at your lips, and butterflies erupted in your stomach at that.

“Thank God I’m not one of them, then.” He replied gently in a low whisper before he leaned closer, shamelessly looking at your lips.

It was you who took the final step, closing the minimal space between you by placing your lips on his.

His hands went to your waist as yours went to his neck, feeling him kiss you back softly but eagerly before pulling away from less than a second to tilt his head, getting a better angle before his lips were back on yours.

“Mommy?”

Pt. 2 

[elizabethsharmon]

So. Poland has chosen its "president" yesterday - if we can even talk about real choice here when he won by approximately 422k votes. When he won in 6 out of 16 regions, all of them with significantly lower number of eligible voters. When there are huge discrepancies between the results displayed in each polling district and the ones published on the website of the National Electoral Commission. When there were recurring instances of some voting cards not having the necessary stamps which automatically classified the vote as invalid. When some people went to vote and it turned out they're not registered in their designated district because of system error. When people abroad didn't get their voting cards on time. When his party sent over 150 buses to villages in Eastern Poland to take older, conservative people to voting stations. When this is how the results map looks like - and somehow the blue wins with orange.

In the last five years, Du*a and his party PiS (literally lAw AnD jUsTiCe but believe me, they're none of these things) have completely ruined the country and regressed it to Middle Ages.The democracy practically doesn't exist anymore, not since they have the majority to rule (the opposition won the senate back in the parliamentary elections so it's a small win but it's still not enough). They started with the judicial system, appointing conservative judges who are always ruling in their favour. The courts are not independent anymore. The Constitution is being broken over and over and over again. People have been marching and protesting for years now but to no avail. 

The national television, TVP, is practically owned by the ruling party. The propaganda, fake news, hatred on the opposition and minorities is getting stronger each day. What you need to know is that this is literally the first channel on every TV set in the country. No matter where you live, no matter if you have cable or satellite, you turn on TV and TVP is what you get. Their reach is so much higher than other TV stations from the big four (TVP1&TVP2, TVN, Polsat). Poland has fallen to 62nd out of 180 countries in the World Press Freedom Index compiled annually by Reporters Without Borders. Before PiS took over in 2015 we were 18th. For du*a's presidential campaign now they gave TVP 2 billion PLN in order to strengthen the propaganda. There was a project to give those money to hospital oncology wards but PiS said no. TVP has only been showing him during the campaign. The other candidates have either been showed in a bad light or haven't been showed at all. Voters for whom TVP is the only source of information haven't seen other candidates nor their campaigns.

During the second round of the campaign, when another tv station, TVN, with two major Polish online media, Onet and WP, invited him and his opponent, Rafał Trzaskowski, for a debate. Du*a declined because he said he won't participate in a debate which isn't available for everyone and he asked them to reach an agreement with TVP to host the debate together. In the end there were two debates. Du*a on his own in TVP, answering predetermined questions from journalists reporting to his party and people in the studio that were paid to be there. Trzaskowski on his own in TVN and live on his Facebook channel, answering questions from the journalists from 16 independent offline and online media teams.

At the beginning of his and PiS first term of destroying the country, they started their crusade against women, because as we all know middle aged men are the most eligible people to make choices for women and their bodies. Abortion is Poland is (was? honestly who knows now) only allowed in three cases: if the woman's life was in danger, if the prenatal testing indicates severe damage of the fetus, if the pregnancy was the outcome of rape. With their pro life and anti women initiative, PiS was determined to ban abortion completely and punish it by prison. The bill was so flimsy that in some cases even miscarriage could be turned against woman. Even if the baby would've been born sick or severely disabled, even if the pregnancy could be fatal for the mother, even if it was caused by rape. We went on the streets. All dressed in black, with umbrellas in hand. Hundreds of thousands of women and allies marching and protesting together against the government. And they got scared. The bill proposal was dropped but the fight wasn't over and it still isn't. They tried to bring it back now during the pandemic just because they knew we wouldn't go out protesting. But we did, we blocked the streets with our cars.

The day after pill can only be bought on prescription. But if you end up going to the conservative ob/gyn they can invoke conscientious objection to abortion and they won't prescribe it for you. They want to ban sex ed from schools. In their opinion sex ed “demoralizes children and teaches them masturbation.” They want young people to be uneducated and have sex and get pregnant and give birth. They want to make kids have kids just so they would depend on the government and social wage programme 500+ which gives 500PLN (approximately 125€) each month to families with 2 or more children for each of their children. Right now you can be a woman raising your three or four kids and you will get the equivalent of minimum wage just for that. This program made people vote for them in 2015. First Du*a used it in his presidential campaign, then PiS was blackmailing the voters saying the program will only happen if both president and the government will be on board aka they have to get in so Du*a will sign the bill and people will get the money. People still believe only they can ensure the stability of the program even though almost all the other candidates said it will not go away.

In the last couple of weeks of presidential campaign, it became more clear than ever how Du*a is planning to win the elections - by trying to reach to the mindsets of elderly and conservative voters by attacking the LGBT community. He called us “ideological hurricane”. He said we are worse than communists. His party members have been saying we're not humans. He was saying over and over again how he doesn't care what people do in bed as long as they're not obnoxious on street and in real life about it. How sexuality is a private thing and we shouldn't be proud of it. How there's no place in Poland for “LGBT propaganda that wants to demoralize our children”. How there's no space here for unions for same-sex couples, not even mentioning marriage or adoption. How he'll do everything in his power to protect the “traditional Polish values and family model” (whatever that means). The most conservative parts of the eastern Poland has claimed their towns and villages as “anti-LGBT zone”. It's been going on since last year. After Dua's words now the hate crime is stronger than it ever was. When LGBT activists asked him to apologize for his spiteful words, showed him proofs that suicide rate among LGBT teenagers is higher than it was since his party is ruling, showed him the photographs and shared the stories of the people we lost because of the bashing they encourage and support, he said he won't apologize because he stands by his words and there's a freedom of speech in the country. Not for everyone I guess.

The journalists have been interviewing many people in different parts of Poland after it. What stuck with me were the words of some old man from the countryside who has said that “LGBT should be exterminated in Majdanek”. It's one of the places where the death camp was during World War 2. I don't think I have to tell anyone what words like this mean, how much they hurt, and how much worse it is when they’re said in the country that’s lost so so many lives during WW2. In a country that fought so hard for so many years to reclaim its freedom from the nazis and then from the soviets. In the meantime of this bashing, Du*a has pardoned a pedophile so he could return to his family (and the victim he abused). So that would be it for protecting family values.

The exit polls results yesterday were so close that they gave us so much hope that we would wake up in a new reality today but the hope died quickly. Now we're stuck again with a man who said in the middle of the global pandemic that he's anti-vaccination and he doesn't think vaccine for covid-19 should be obligatory. With a man who thinks climate change and global warming isn't real. With a man whose actions are constantly destabilitizing economy because he only acts like there is today and doesn’t look forward in the future and doesn’t know the way he and his party ruin the country will have terrible consequences in a few years. With a man who is homophobic, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, and many, many, many other things. With a man who is a "president” of Polish people but only if you're a straight catholic man voting for his party.

Now our fear is that with him being “elected” as the “president” again, his party will try to meddle with the Constitution and try to change it so they could either extend his term for more years or extend the number of terms a president can have. And even if the change can’t happen so easily, what’s sure is that they will try to take away basic human rights from women and LGBT community. They made it perfectly clear in the last five years and during the campaign now.

So if you’re asking yourself now what can you do about it the answer is simple: spread the word. Read about it. Educate yourself. Make a buzz in the social media. We need as much help as we can get. We need foreign media to pick up the topic, we need them to talk about it and to make the noise. We need the foreign governments to know about it. European Union has already declared that if the bashing on LGBT continues, they will take away the development aid from the self-proclaimed “anti-LGBT zones”. Our country has suffered so much and somehow we’re still standing but I don’t know for how much long we will last. So please. Don’t leave us alone.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Lee says:

I’m 1 week and 5 days post-op and continuing my post-phallo supplies post series! I’ll write about which items I got, which ones I used, and which ones I found helpful.

(For those who don’t know what ALT phalloplasty is, see this post!)

Today’s post-phallo item is an eye mask.

[Image description: A black, red, and blue eye mask. /End ID]

While an eye mask isn’t a form of PPE, it’s still essential to have when you go to the hospital!

(Sidenote: Everyone has been talking about PPE-type face masks for the past year but that’s something different! I did have to wear a face mask until I went into the operating room. Then I had the face mask on again when I woke up in the post-anesthesia care unit. But when I was transferred to the hospital room I stayed in for the next 6 days I actually didn’t have to wear a face mask because I am fully vaccinated and was Covid tested before my surgery. I did have to put a face mask on to go into the hallway, but in my own room I could be maskless.)

When you’re in the hospital, it’s never going to be 100% dark. There is always light coming from somewhere-- even when they darken the hallway at 10 pm, it’s still lit up.

The machines that display vitals and the IV machines in the room have bright screens, and they start to beep often which makes a nurse come in and flip on all the lights to see if your vitals are weird or if your IV bag needs changing.

The nurses also will come in literally once every hour all through the night and flip on all the lights to check your vitals and use the Doppler to see the blood flow in your penis. That’s in addition to the times they come in to help you get something or to address the beeping.

After the first few days the nurses come every two hours, then every 4 hours, but unfortunately the nurses aren’t the only people waking you up.

The residents came by at 10 pm and 4 am to talk to me and check me out, occupational and physical therapists would stop by during the day, you’ll have meals delivered, people come to change the trash, and so on.

Basically, if you want to sleep for longer than 1 hour uninterrupted, you’ll need to get an eye mask so the light from the hallway, the light from the machines, and the lights turned on by all the people entering your room don’t fully wake you up.

One of the most important things in choosing an eye mask is the adjustability. If the band that goes around your head is too big or too small, it won’t fit comfortably and it’ll pinch your head or slide off so it doesn’t block the light. So that rules out all the eye masks that aren’t adjustable and just have stretchy cords in the back-- the cord is always too tight at first, and then it becomes stretched out and there’s no way to re-tighten it.

While eye masks with Velcro on the straps are adjustable, Velco is also something that I feel like should not be near your head because it can make a crunchy noise and if you have long hair (which I don’t, but I remember what it was like!) it will get stuck in there. It’s also a little difficult to adjust with one hand.

I like the kind that have the adjustable slider (like the image above) so you can just move it over. These can get long hair tangled in too, but it’s not as bad as Velcro, and there’s no extra strap hanging off the end because it just changes the loop size so it’s neater and feels more comfortable when your head is laying on the pillow because you don’t feel the tail of the strap going off who-know-where.

Another thing I find really important in choosing an eye mask is the feel of it because I have sensory issues. I don’t like materials that are too plastic-y, or have rough seams and tags, but this eye mask feels soft and slightly silky so I feel comfortable putting it on my face.

I like that the masks come in a pack of 3 because it means if one falls on the hospital floor you can just put on another one. This is also helpful for people who get really hot and sweaty in the Bair Hugger because they might get the eye mask all sweaty too and want to use another one because the first one got gross. 

These eye masks are hand-wash only, but I’ve thrown them in the washing machine anyway. If you send some home with a visitor to wash and bring back to you the next day, you should tell them to put them in a delicates bag and treat them as delicates if you want them to last longer. But if you’re washing them in the washing machine pretty frequently, you might have to buy a new set after a year even if you use the delicates bag and cycle. But that’s plenty long enough to get you through the hospital stay after stage 1!

If there’s any single item you can bring with you to the hospital to have as soon as possible, I’d recommend the eye mask. The ceiling lights were shining in my eyes when I was laying on my back in the post-anesthesia care unit immediately after surgery before I got transferred to my room and I kept thinking “Damn, I shoulda brought one mask in my pocket!” because they brought me my clothes and other items they had taken from me before surgery back before my family was allowed to bring me all my things that we had packed for the stay.

Pros:

Soft

Large enough to cover eyes

Adjustable non-velcro strap

Slightly contoured so they don’t press on your eyes

Comes in a pack of three

Cons:

Can be a little warm to have on your face when you’re in the Bair Hugger

Not supposed to be machine-washable (but that’s an inconvenience related to long-term ownership of the eye masks, won’t be an issue with your 6-day hospital stay)

Where to buy:

Other reviews:

Reacher/grabber

Lap desk

Wound care supplies

Resistance bands

[falloutjay]

Stan x anxious/compassionate reader (kind of has a little canon divergence)

After giving up on Wendy (around Season 12), Stan and us start dating, we were always worried about him (no we weren't dating him out of pity, we were just a very anxious person). Some people find of clingy, others find us adorable but We've never left his side:

Ex: We were by his side helping with whales (Whale W)

We were the only one who didn't leave him when he got depression (You're Getting Old/Ass Burgers)

Next to Heidi, we became social pariah because we didn't want to dump Stan (this even made Wendy guilty)

But him moving, really gets to us, the coronavirus makes it worse. We get worried about him, then we start getting worried about everyone else as everything falls apart (Kyle, Kenny, Eric, Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott, etc.) And we pass out of stress. About waking up in the hospital, we find out, everyone was worried about us. And Stan is the most worried of all, he spends the whole day with us. We tal-no vent about all the happened to the both of us. By the end of it, we agree that whatever happens we'll do it together.

Guess whos back! :D

Well, while it's not my best work, in my humble opinion, I sure hope you enjoy and like it. Again sorry for the delay! ಥ_ಥ

And if it's not that clear, because I know I can write a little cryptic, there is a time skip. You can either have all the show events happen when they are children and have the time skip between Covid and the memories or between you getting together as kids and the memories. Choose however you like! ^^

_________________________________________

Stan x anxious!compassionate!Reader

Tiny eyes watched the scene unfold.

Normally, Wendy was the one to break up with Stan, but not this time around. Stan was actually telling Wendy that he had no interest in her anymore.

“What changed Stan?” Wendy asked, obviously confused.

“I think I like someone else… I don’t know yet…”

Wendy gave him a smile.

“I wish you all the luck Stan, say if you need anything!”

“I will.” And with that, Wendy took off to be with her friends, while Stan turned a corner and told Kyle and Kenny how it went.

Cartman was there too, but he only wanted to know if she cried, because “she would deserve it.”.

You closed your locker and felt your heartbeat like crazy. Ever since you changed school a few months ago, Stan captured your little ten-year-old mind.

He was kind and showed you around when you had no idea where to go. It was a little crush you developed, and you never felt as scared and excited as now, since that Stan had broken off with Wendy.

This newfound feeling almost made you dizzy but you quickly snapped back into reality when you heard your name.

“Y/N?” Stan asked and waited patiently for his answer next to you.

“Oh, sorry, I was thinking, what did you want?”

“Would you maybe like to hang out some time?”

Stan almost got a heart attack when you suddenly squealed but was happy when you managed to get a high-pitched “YES!” out.

“Okay, what are you betting Kenny? Some Pennies or a dead rat?” Cartman almost fell from his chair laughing about his shitty joke, while Kyle and Kenny rolled their eyes.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how clingy they are?” Kyle asked his blonde friend, while they kept watching you and Stan, who were seated at a separate table at lunch.

“Honestly, I think it’s pretty cute.” Kenny said with his muffled voice.

You held his arm and hugged him from the side, while he happy kept on eating his lunch.

Eric, who had now calmed down from his laugh attack eyed the couple critically. “I’m giving them a month max.”

He said lazily and looked around. “I say longer than a year.” Kenny said, throwing a crinkled five-dollar note on the table.

“You two are horrible.” Kyle shook his head before he threw 10 dollars on the table.

“Four months.”

Kenny was a happy man after a year, because despite everyone believing you two would eventually break up, you never did.

You were always by his side, no matter what.

His desire to desperately save whales with the help of a braindead ship crew?

You were always right by his in the interviews he gave.

His horrible depression that even drove Kyle away? No chance, you stood strong and helped him through the whole thing and even help reuniting the gang.

Even during the protest against Skanthunt42, you chose to sit this one out, despite you absolutely hating that the troll photoshopped a dick into your mother’s mouth.

At least you and Heidi got close due to you guys both becoming social outcasts. When Wendy heard this, she was impressed by your dedication and felt somewhat guilty for obviously not trying as much in her former relationship.

Everyone admired your patience and endurance. No matter what obstacle came, you managed to get through it.

“You don’t need to be sad, Y/N. I won't be that far away.” Stan said, holding your hand.

“B-But it's outside of town. You need ages by bike to get there and vice versa.” You said, holding back tears.

Randy walked past you and you desperately pleaded to him.

“Please Mister Marsh, please stay in town!” Randy put the box he carried into the car, before turning to you.

“Real sorry, dear Y/N. This town is…How do I put it… Absolute shit and I really want to get away.”

He patted you on the head and went back into the house to get more boxes.

“Told you, you cant talk to him.” Stan said and shrugged.

“But it’s unfair. We won’t see each other as much anymore.” Stan pressed a kiss onto your cheek, which made you blush intensely.

“Don’t. Worry. I will make time for you.”

With that in mind, you didn’t feel as sad, when the car with the Marsh Family in it left for their new home.

“I will make time for you, my ass.” You mumbled while you sat at a bench near Starks Pond. Letting out a deep sigh, you leaned back and just enjoyed the warmth of the setting sun.

Covid was one hell of a bitch and just had to have this big impact on everyone’s life. Stan and you now saw each other less and less.

It was just a horrible feeling that tainted your heart and made you worry a lot.

Maybe he was feeling just as bad as you are, maybe even more?

Maybe he just didn’t want to tell you how he felt?

Were you maybe a bad partner? Your mind began racing and your train of thoughts became unrailed.

So many bad thoughts manifested themselves and it made you almost gasp for air.

“I need to check on him.” You mumbled getting up from the park bench.

You began walking and you kind of hoped that maybe just the walking would get your mind in check, but sadly it didn’t. Involuntarily you had to think about all the other stuff that happened during this horrible time.

The precious Broship was more fragile than ever. You had become such good friends with Kenny, Kyle and Cartman over time that it hurt you a lot too.

You also saw Covid take a toll on your other friends, like Craig and his group, who now took Cartman into their gang after the split up.

However, that came to be…

The girls were also pretty divided, so hanging out with them meant picking sides which wasn’t your thing, you kinda just want them to get along again.

Everything felt like it was falling apart. Your parents had fights ever so often, all your friends had problems and your beloved boyfriend was stuck on that stupid farm.

God how you hated that stupid farm and Randy.

When he gave you one of those plushies that looked like him, you functioned it into a voodoo doll. But sadly, it didn’t seem to affect him, no matter how many needles you rammed into it.

Your heart felt heavy, and it seemed hard to breathe, but you brushed it aside.

You had already reached the busy streets of South Park and mingled between the newly vaccinated people.

Everywhere you looked, the people seemed happy.

Everyone was happy except you and the people around you… Maybe…You were the problem?

You shook your head. No, you didn’t allow those kinds of thoughts.

You much rather think about Stan. How you miss him and how amazing your dates were.

Oh, how much effort he put into all the small things… Well… At least he did.

Now that you thought about it when was your last date?

It feels like it had been ages. It has been ages. Everything had been ages. Going out with him, hanging out with your friends, your family not fighting… How long has this been the new normal? You can’t help but wonder.

Your heart clenched again. “Stop it, stupid heart.” You mumbled under your breath.

An exhausted sigh escaped your lips when you thought about how you maybe had to walk all the way up to the farm… It would take ages, but you really craved being held by the person you adored so much.

So, you continued walking down through the street when an elder lady stopped you.

“Excuse me, but you look rather sickly, are you alright?” Confused you raised an eyebrow. Did the vaccines make them delusional?

“No, I’m fine.” You answered, somewhat snippy, even when you didn’t know why you were so agitated.

“But you look rather pale, maybe you- I am fine.” You interrupted her and continued your path.

Were all people in this shitty town stupid or- The thought could not be completed, due to you suddenly losing consciousness.

When you woke up again, you immediately recognized one of the Hells Pass Hospital rooms, once your eyes had adjusted to the bright lights. Around the bed were your parents and more importantly Stan and his mother.

“Thank God, you’re awake again!” Your mother said when she went for a hug.

Confused you asked why you were here.

“Well, seemingly you were so stressed out, that your body basically shut down.”

Somewhat shocked you looked around. Was it really a surprise to hear that? Not really, but it still felt odd knowing that it happened.

“Well, I’m glad you’re fine, Y/N.” Misses Marsh commented and smiled warmly at you. She had always liked you and you felt the same. She was always nice to you and you felt like she was the only one with a brain in the family…

Feeling a sudden sensation of warmness on your hand, your eyes darted down to it. Stan held you hand while answering something your dad had asked him.

“Well, Sharon, you wanna accompany us to get some hot chocolate for us all?”

Your mother said with an odd wink, which made you and Stan roll your eyes.

The three adults left the room chatting happily. Stan looked at you with a stern expression, which kind of surprised you.

“I swear, whenever I think I couldn’t get more worried about you, your parents call me, to tell me that you’re in the hospital.”

“Worried? About me? I should be worried about you?” You laughed to which Stan shook his head.

“Listen, everyone has been super worried about you since you seemed so down and just exhausted. Like, Kyle already called me earlier to ask if you’re awake again. I don’t know why you worry about me; I am really fine babe. Promise.”

With that said, the door opened, and your parents came back inside.

“Y/N, the doctor said they would like you to stay the night, so they can check that you’re really alright.” Your father informed you and you were immediately annoyed.

Well, you had no choice but to oblige. Your parents left after an hour, wanting to get you some clothes and other things you’d need.

Sharon also bids her goodbye and so you and Stan were left.

And just like you wished, you got to cuddle with him. He held you close, and you vented to him, how worried you were about everything and everyone, while he told you just how worried all of your friends had been since you were acting so out of character.

“Even Cartman?”

“Yup, even when he would never admit it.” Stan laughed. He held your hand tight, and his content smile never left his face.

“I think we should talk more about feelings and being worried and all that. I know I’m not all that good at it, but I don’t ever wanna have to visit you in a hospital again.” Stan said, giving your hand a squeeze.

“That sounds good. But you gotta accept, I worry a lot, because I care a lot about you, okay?” You said sternly and Stan nodded. You two looked fondly at each other and just enjoyed the time you got.

“Together forever?” You asked and he whispered “Forever.”, before he pressed a sweet kiss onto your lips.

[anonymous-swiftie]

If you are on twitter, please retweet this:

https://twitter.com/ASwiftie00/status/1334245577933148164?s=19

Dear #Swifties,

I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.

I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.

I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.

I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.

I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.

I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.

You can read everything below.

I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.

I don't want upset anyone.

I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.

You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.

Thank you.

#taylor #swift

*******************************************

Dear Taylor,

I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.

I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.

I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.

I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.

You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.

I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.

I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.

I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.

**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**

I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.

This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.

This situation brought me back to childhood.

I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.

I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)

I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.

It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.

I was the masked kid.

I was the strange kid.

I couldn't play with them.

Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".

This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.

I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.

This situation continued  for many years.

I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.

The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.

I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.

I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).

I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.

I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.

If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.

I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.

The class guessed the song, and I played it.

After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.

I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.

That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .

Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.

I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.

Then I went to a private high-school.

Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.

I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.

One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.

He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.

So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.

The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.

After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.

I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.

I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.

Nobody to talked with me.

That's great when you're a teenager.

I hated to wake up every morning.

I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.

During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.

He was older than me but he always tried to help.

He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.

I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.

I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.

I still get emotional when I think about this.

On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.

I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.

Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.

This year is the seventh year that he is missing.

That destroyed me.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing couldn't help me.

I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.

This have happened several other times.

You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.

I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.

That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.

Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.

All these things made me afraid  even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.

I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.

I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.

Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.

I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.

I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.

For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.

I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.

I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.

This covid situation made everything clear.

When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.

When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"

I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.

I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.

Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.

I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.

I've always seen the sun through a window.

I want to feel happy.

I want to burn my face with the sun.

I'm so sick of hiding my pain,

sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,

sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.

I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.

It's not her fault.

She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?

I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.

I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.

But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?

I don't even know if will ever get better for me.

Will this pain ever stop?

Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.

Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.

Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.

But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?

D.

@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub

[vtforpedro]

health update, long post - TWs in tags

I haven't made an update in a while because I am exhausted. more exhausted than I can say head is still bad. working with the new neuro and just last week he gave me the diagnosis of IIH I've been waiting for a year to happen c': because he's smart and knows everything has been ruled out and when I explain it feels like a bowling ball is sitting on the bridge of my nose during episodes and that my ears feel full, I have visual disturbances, I'm having trouble with memory/information processing, my nose pops lol that I am describing a fuck ton of pressure in my skull so I didn't have to do the lumbar puncture. wish the US would get caught up with the UK because they advise against LPs because they're DANGEROUS and doctors can use those extra years of school to make big brain decisions anyway. we're doing this thing of going up on one med at a time and over three weeks to reduce side effects because I am so sensitive to meds. going up on the med that treats the nerve pain I get from my brain being swollen from PRESSURE and pressing against the giant nerve on the side of my head lol taken three times a day so going up on dose more each week to get to the desired dose then I'll take the ~magic~ drug that is the only one prescribed to treat IIH by reducing the amount of spinal fluid surrounding your brain. really REALLY terrifies me because tons of people have to get off of it because of bad side effects and I'm already so sensitive 😭 but we're starting at a really low dose, half the usual starting dose, and also doing a three week thing to get to the desired dose if it doesn't help, he'll refer me to an IIH specialist at our big neuro hospital (my insurance might not let me see them though so I may have to go elsewhere but I was thinking why haven't they done that in the past year when he said it 🙃) and also probably a migraine specialist things are moving forward with that at least in remission from leukemia for 10 months as of last month and will be 12 in the first week of december!! my hematologist moved our appts out every six months c: so that's good. I got really lucky with it. still probably stuck in my apartment for another year because people can't get their shit together to put an end to covid. blood cancers can not only cause severe illness/death (and my labs are still abnormal even if the leukemia isn't detectable) but it could cause it to come out of remission with a vengeance so. can't be around people had to fight my apt complex just yesterday not to send maintenance in to change the fucking lightbulbs because I can't have people (who are apparently not required to wear masks anymore!!!!) who have been in countless other apts come into mine ha ha ha whole host of new GI problems tho!!!! so that's been fun. can't find a reason for it either so I'm not sure what my GI is gonna. do about it. I've had the double scope procedure, multiple abdominal ultrasounds and CT scans and now a good amount of labs with nothing that explains why I get some severe pain and constipation. haven't been constipated this entire year cause of my diet and it just started one day despite no changes. really frustrating I had a pain about a week ago so bad I could barely walk. it was low enough that I don't know if it was GI or reproductive system but it's been not great with pain saw an OBGYN yesterday for a pap smear. kinda still concerned about le lady parts but she said everything looked fine at least probably gonna get off birth control after we see how I do on the IIH med so we can determine where side effects, if any, are coming from. she said I will likely see positive benefits and both her and neuro agreed it might help my migraines weight loss has kind of stopped. right at 40lbs too. it's been so frustrating and I've tried to change up the foods I'm eating but it's just not happening. I absolutely need to lose more weight for the IIH so idk what to do. can't exercise at all. can barely move around to go to appointments and I barely make it through all the stuff I have to do after we're thinking I may need a

shower chair soon. it'll help but it also sucks that I need one at all. makes me sad, especially for the next reason! I woke up this morning to see that disability denied my claim. even after everything I gave her. I was expecting this, but still hoping for good news because of *gestures broadly* all of this, plus my neuropsych and psych both diagnosing me with severe depression and ptsd lmao so I'm kind of. really fucking down right now it could take two years before I have a hearing with a judge after appealing. I can only hope the lawyer I spoke to in april sticks to his word and takes my case on my age is working against me but I've had a history of depression/anxiety since I was 10 and started to be treated then too anyway this is getting really long. I've had so many appointments already this month and it's exhausting. it's exhausting having to deal with doctors who are as shitty as ever and it's exhausting having to come home and do covid procedure/shower and it's exhausting having to be worried about getting covid from medical professionals who are not nearly as careful as they should be I can't count how many times they've asked me or suggested I take off my masks lol this phlebotomist tried to kill me last week (I may be exaggerating) and had to get help despite my excellent veins that even while dehydrated give quick/good blood and the guy she had to call in to help told me I could take off my masks b/c that helps him with anxiety attacks I got an 'anxiety attack' because not only did she keep moving the needle in my arm over and over and over again but she gripped it so hard it was causing me 10/10 pain I CAN STILL FEEL THE BRUISE but she kept doing it after I was telling her it hurt very badly so I got super woozy and had to lie down lmao and then she missed my vein in my hand. when I had one tiny tube left out of SEVEN. he got it instantly and quickly I'm tired of these people!!!!! I'm tired of shit luck and shitty medical professionals I'm tired tired tired of it had three appts with the psychologist and it didn't work out cause he was a man in the end. but I have an intake appointment with a therapist today to get an official therapist and I'm crossing my fingers. I need an actual trauma therapist and a woman who will not likely laugh and say we need to work on my 'taste in men' like they weren't the ones to choose to abuse me my father and brother the longest??????? so lol wonderful thing to say but w/e. men being men my neuro wants an mri done in late dec/early jan and while I'm extremely...... extreeeemely......... tired of medical imaging, it'll probably be my last one unless something goes very wrong for like six months I cannot tell y'all how tired I am of all of this. they hand out labs and imaging orders like candy to likely avoid malpractice without a care or thought to the patient's time and money depression is bad right now. I'm just tired of all of this ANYWAY! even longer now I had to get a pill case cause my memory is getting so awful I will forget if I took my medicine or not within minutes of the time I need to and it's about 50/50 I think so I am either missing or doubling doses and yeah. I feel old. but it's rainbow-colored at least 😂 hope you're all doing well and staying safe. crazy world we live in and I hope it calms down eventually as far as the plague goes love you all very much. thanks for being so supportive and thank you ahead of time for any replies. I'm terrible at getting back to you all when I shouldn't be. I lack the spoons sometimes