#( ive got this major anxiety abt this blog )

[lightgoddess]

HI sorry i got intimidated being here and i lost my motivation to even try writing so im lurking. mainly on my main multi so catch me there ✌️

[erenfox]

omg you like newteresa too? 😍😍

and newtrenda, that's a one i've only ever very rarely seen! what do you like about them/any headcanons? 👀

i actually hadnt thought about the concept of newteresa until i came across ur blog and ive been in love with that idea ever since lmao :D

about newtenda im so glad u asked :')

if newt had survived, he would have DEFINITELY bonded with brenda over their shared trauma of nearly turning into cranks. lemme elaborate.

so i have this hc to cope with newt and teresa's death wherein a couple of days after reaching the safe haven the teens sneak back to the last city for some reason where they find the bodies of newt and teresa. obviously it's heartbreaking for them, but they quickly realise that by some miracle both of them barely survived. so they took the two of them back to the haven and after long treatments they finally regained their consciousness and stuff.

now newt comes back almost perfectly fine and normal thanks to thomas nd the cure - but due to him getting slowly infected over the long period of time in tst and tdc, he didn't fully become... human, if that makes sense. he still has violent episodes and tendencies to act kinda rogue, almost as it he's still under the control of the flare. and this is something brenda relates to. although not in as severe condition as newt, she still sometimes gets violent tendencies about which only jorge knows.

so she notices newt showing visible signs of stress and uneasiness just like she did after getting cured, and talks to him about it. to divert his attention from the ingrowing panic she uses the method we use to cope with anxiety attacks (three things u can see and touch rn). it starts actually working for him by some goddang miracle (i trust too much in miracles lmfao 😭🙏) but he sometimes cannot control it, causing the majority of people to stay away from him.

but not brenda. she helps him slowly subdue the murderous tendencies and wild behaviours which come free with the crank package. AND THIS IS HOW THEY BOND AAAAA LMAOO.

u have brenda healing newt for something she didn't do, and he repays it by helping her cope with her episodes and nightmares about her brother. that's literally how they end up crushing for each other which is visible to the whole wide world but not them. OH AND ALSO i have this hc where newt regained all his memories back after he got healed, meaning he remembered his baby sister sonya/lizzy. and sonya/lizzy is definitely the greatest newtenda shipper in existence (maybe alongside minho who ships newt with everyone lmfao)

BUT u also have jorge in overprotective dad mode whenever he sees newt being a lil too close to brenda hehe 🤭

might add more hcs abt these two later but for now ig this much fine lol

[radiovisual]

(( quick, post the introspective baby thoughts before all the mutuals wake up--

(( honestly like... im gonna try not to get Into it bc this post is abt my Alastor, but to preface, i just gotta say. The way fandom usually tends to approach the concept of canon characters having Babies has always Severely weirded me out, and i only recently figured out Why, and how exactly to put it into words.

(( its by no means a bad thing--its just fictional fun, i know!--but the portrayal of pregnancy and surprise children always being a very "oh no, look at this pregnancy test! Im PrEgNaNt, this is a travesty! I HAVE to keep it though, because everyone else wants me to so we can have a little tiny version of me to dote on a get into shenanigans about heehee haha!" Is... frustrating. To say the least.

(( and its... important to me, that You all know that when i talk about my alastor having kids, or wanting kids, that that's not the way I look at it. Thats not at all the way i envision it, or look at it. In another case of me being Classic Lil Old Me, a lot of these feelings i give Alastor are me projecting my own experiences with the topic on him, and me taking the opportunity to live them vicariously.

(( Alastor looked up to his mother, and by extension, his aunts and grandmother so, so much. Growing up he saw them all go through a lot of hardship, and still doing what they could to take care of their children, to keep them happy and safe, and to help them feel free and boundless--like they could go out in the world and do anything they could dream of. And he also saw mothers who clearly weren't ready to be mothers. Women who resented their children, and often only coasted by giving them the bare minimum, or were downright cruel to them. These experiences in his childhood were very formative for him as a person, and they sculpted his feelings on the prospect of having children quite a bit--in having seen both the best and the worse, he made the conscious choice that when he had children one day (never if--always w h e n), he would take these lessons he learned from watching others, and that he would use them to do his damndest to give his child the best, happiest childhood possible.

(( the main reason he never got around to it was because he was so apprehensive around men--particularly the ones stemmed from how his father was. His primary source of information on how fathers were was in his own--a man who was inexplicably possessive, volatile, and unforgiving, who expected to have total control over the lives of both the mother and child at all times, regardless of marital, living, or financial status. He expected everything to belong to him simply by virtue of having added a single ingredient to the family pot. And while they were less drastic or important in his formation of these feelings, Alastor noticed a watered down version of this mentality in pretty much every adult man he met in his entire life--and it didnt sit well with him in the slightest.

(( an overbearing, abusive father who refuses to back off would throw a major wrench in his plans to give his child a worry-free life, as you can imagine. As would financial troubles--though he would admit, choosing to pursue a career over family was moreso an excuse to keep his mind of his father anxieties--and the fact that he was just too nervous to try to find a solution to that problem.

(( and then he died. And he never got the chance to go through with any of his plans. That lost opportunity, that grief over wasting his chance, was another othe the puzzle pieces in the collage of grievances the spurred his explosive reaction to arriving in hell, and the destruction and ruin that followed.

(( he doesn't know it, but because ive decided to go through with making him half hellborn, ive also decided that he does have the potential to get pregnant still--just to sooth my own aching heart. Even if it never happens on this blog, just the potential being there makes me happy. And should be ever find out--he'd be very happy too. And far more eager to actually pursue that wish of his, likely without much thought to how being in Hell will complicate matters and make his goal that much harder to achieve.

((If it happened, whether or not hed regret it would depend quite a bit on the specifics of the situation--but that regret would always be for failing to think it through, and forcing his innocent child to live a life condemned without any way out. Not for realizing he didnt really want children. He's spent his whole life thinking about it. Hed never expect it to be easy, and he believes that fact is important to the experience--and perhaps indeed even the point. That he should be able to handle all of the bad things, so that his child wont be the one suffering through them.

[thiost]

sits on ur counter and sips a cup of tea: being harassed on the internet and having to handle it is a very unique experience compared to other situations of harassment or abuse, especially when you're young.

grabs some sugar and pours an ungodly amount in then stirs it w a lil baby spoon: ive mostly never dealt with a lot of the baggage that's come with being harassed online because ive felt an urge to trivialize it and minimize it due to it being "just the internet" and "not worrying about trolls".

spills the tea all over my shirt and starts mindlessly wiping at it w a paper towel: but that doesn't change the fact that a 13 year old kid who was finally beginning to come to accept and love himself for being queer was turned into a joke by an entire website then targeted by ppl who used to be his friends, and was a. called multiple slurs and even talked abt in a sexual manner despite not even having finished middle school b. unable to avoid this due to ppl making multiple side accounts and focusing all their energy into constantly trying to piss u off and c. someone taking posts you made abt ur Abusive father and turning it into a joke and using it as a weapon against u. it got so bad that a friend/partner of this person dmed me and reached out and apologized and asked me if i was okay

gives up and just lays across the counter dramatically, hitting my head on a sink handle: it didn't matter if this person was an adult, highschooler, or even my age. i was stalked by a dude online for months and harassed daily just bc i posted abt being a lesbian a little to much for his enjoyment (side note im not a lesbian but i used to id as one and the harassment i faced was largely based in lesbophobia). i honestly think it's a major source of some of my anxiety and has really shaped my relationship with social media and my ability to be openly and shamelessly queer. to this day i still have thoughts like "well maybe i was too obnoxious, and i still am." im still actively blaming myself for this.

turns on the water and sticks my head under the faucet: anyways the internet is wack and google+ was a hellhole and we need to talk more about these sort of things and normalize social media interactions to be just as real as verbal interactions because no matter how many times you say "just go outside" it doesn't change jack shit about the fact that there's real people behind the screen.

rolls off the counter and lands face first on the floor: but you know im just some dumb 15 y/o with a tumblr blog.

[drugstore-soulboy]

tagged by @qorillas ☺️ thnx so much aaaa💕💕💕

answer 30 questions + tag 10 people you’d like to know better

-nicknames: i dont really have any tbh! im v open to them tho

-star sign: virgo✌️

-gender: nonbinary ! tends to masc side

-MBTI type: intp! though like im a bit uncomfortable w calling myself an introvert, cos im just like. have a lot of social anxiety but i like being like around people like extroverts? idk.

-height: just barely 5′6″ and v proud of it i wish i was three inches taller

-time: 11:15pm

-birthday: september 11th. comes w the pro that most people dont forget it lol.

-favorite bands: i kinda jump around a lot but the pretty solid ones would be pink spiders, fall out boy, bear hands, fidlar, modern baseball, front bottoms,  mother mother, wavves, and idk yall might not of heard of em but gorillaz? there a pretty sick group ig,,

-favorite solo artists: uuuhm i dont think i specifically listen to too many solo artists? uhm, jake bugg might be one of the only ones ive actually like tried to follow?

-song stuck in my head: ‘its a good day’ i really dont know why?? i tihnk i heard it in a commercial earlier

-last movie I watched: uuuuh baby driver i think!! its really good i seen it twice now big recommendation!

-last show I watched: im watching great food truck race rn its like specifically the south this season though and im, kinda not feeling it

-other blogs: i just got my main that i want to keep like irl ppl that know that one from finding this one yknow,,, but anyone feel free to ask/message for it off anon

-when I created my blog: uuuuh shit, may 23… i decided i was both clogging my main too much and too nervous to talk abt some of the gorillaz stuff candidly w the irl ppl on my main so! also i finally though of a gorillaz url i like well enough that wasnt already taken so lol

-what I post about: i dont have a lot of original content but lmao i made a song sorter im adding to here and their and ive made some aroace icons

-last thing I googled: ……….ooh jeez, “johnny garlic the plant closed” bc we were joking abt guy fieri and how johnny garlics near us is always closed and wanted to know if it was closed-closed and like for how long and dude fieri doesnt even own johnny garlics any more

-following: 1065

-followers: just on this one 42 combined 341 :P

-favorite color: blue and orange!

-average hours of sleep: uuuh probably like 7 ? but i like getting 9 bc im that ho

-lucky number: 32

-instruments: nothing,,  i  im thinkin abt trying guitar rn though bc i got my sisters old one and might as well put it to use right?

-what I’m wearing: orange/blue converse high tops, green shorts, grey tank, primary color/grey flannel and wow this #look is a mess

-how many blankets i sleep with: so many uh 3 is the minimum 5 is like great and then add more in the winter

-dream jobs: whatmakesyouhahaha.mp3 idk. im technically a theatre arts major and intended on doing some technical aspect of that, but im really thinking thats not. how im goin to go,, i tihnk i just like manger-ing things bc its a lot of order? i want to like actually do things for people? and im looking at some environmental shit but thats so far from anything ive like actively done even though i always had an interest in it so i dont even know where that would go so… yea lol it sucks

-dream trip: i dont really have anything really ive never been to into travel, rn though id love to go to disney paris, and maybe just a whole small europe trip bc i want to see were my brother lives in germany

-favourite food: saaandwiches, reubens, phillycheese steaks, burgers, various melts, like just fuck me up

-nationality: white american,,, like im literally just those assorted white memes

tagging:  @empireantsss @fabulouslittlefox @king-faust @re-hashh @gorillazwave @drugstoresoulgirl @stuart-dents-pot @etremely annnd if you wann do this consider yourself tagged by me!!  

[tvranny]

took this from a mutual on my dash. not gonna @ because im too socially inadequate but if u see this. ur blog is rad.

anyone who wants to do it can do it

Age: h

Birthplace: ??? santa rosa california

Current time: 7:51 pm

Drink you last had: iced tea. the one with the golf man on the can. didnt he die or something

ARNOLD PALMER

tjhat was his name sorry

Easiest person to talk to: i dont talk to a lot of people

Favorite song: oh, no, i cant choose.  . ill just pick one that i would be able to stand listening to for an hour on repeat. just that song. sovngarde from skyrim. incredible

Grossest memory: dont read if u dont like insects particularly maggots. when i was younger our apartment was quite dirty and trashy which makes no fucking sense to me now because we had the money to get into a better house but whatever. anyways, i hopped onto one of our computer chairs and right where i put my hand, there was a maggot and that definitely scarred me for years it was nasty. there was a lot of that. idk maggots could be found hanging from the ceiling and that has given me my terror of maggots. are they even maggots? i know they’re moth larvae, nto sure if maggot is the right word for it

Horror yes horror no: if im in the mood for it i do like horror yeah. i thoroughly enjoyed the exorcist

Jealous of people?: yes. im not like a malicious jealous person but ofc i get jealous. for example, right now, i am jealous of anyone who isnt fucking trans

Killed someone?: yes brenda ive fucking killed a person. the lincoln assassination? that wasnt john wilkes booth, that was me. gg

Love at first sight or should i walk by: i think maybe you get an intuition about someone that they might be the one. people get feelings like that, not just abt love but about just. the future. it’s odd, surely. but the classic “see someone in the street and feel your heart pound and everything stop and the stars align” is. not

Middle name: elizabeth

Number of siblings: technically, im an only child. all my siblings are half-siblings but i consider them full siblings just because. i have 4 siblings

One wish: well? to not be trans, right now. but. other than that, no idea

Person you last called: i dont have a phone. dont need one. kind of

Question you are always asked: idk. “why don’t you talk a lot” is a question ive always been asked, or “why are you so shy”.  it’s a stupid fucking question. what do they think ill say? “well u see i have bad social anxiety and no self esteem lol how was ur day uwu”

Reason to smile: oh, there are a lot of things, but i’m not a very motivational person. cats are nice! and so are dogs. when you own a dog or cat, or really, the majority of pets, their entire world is you. of course that’s a lot of responsibility when you think about it but their happiness, their dreams, all of it are about you, aren’t they? saw an article. i think. but i think it’s a nice thought. just think when you approach a dog and it starts barking happily and wagging its tail and licking you and it looks overjoyed, or a cat’s meows and chirps and purrs as you pet it. you make them happy.

Song you last sung: thunder by imagine dragons.

Underwear color: odd question but they’re teal.

Vacation: no plans, but i want to go Washington D.C. and back to Tudor Hall. I also want to visit California, as I haven’t been there for years

X-rays: got my lungs x-rayed one time. acute bronchitis. 

Your favorite food: i like mashed potatoes. deviled eggs. brussel sprouts. i also like sushi

Zodiac sign: pisces

top ten songs I’ve been listening to lately: 

not in order

1.) the wolf by SIAMÉS

2.) believer by imagine dragons

3.) whatever it takes by imagine dragons

4.) mt washington by local natives. makes me cry

5.) thunder by imagine dragons

6.) golden age by woodkid. makes me think of John Wilkes Booth. hm. iron by woodkid also does that for me. if i had to pick a song other than the ballad of booth (of course that fits him) to describe JWB it’d have to be both iron and golden age

7.) bottom of the river by delta rae

8.) world at large by modest mouse. tears.

9.) dramamine by modest mouse. probably one of my top favorite songs of all time

10.) killer queen by queen

like i said. if you want to do it feel free

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn