#( idk i adore him & picking apart his motivations & behavior just !!!!!! i !! love sam !!!! )

[dalisaid]

✎ . ♟

          nobody :           no one :           literally no one at all :

          me :  so sam is / can be lowkey self-absorbed at times  &  i wanna talk about why because it fascinates  &  saddens me greatly  :D

          now,  when i say  ❛  self-absorbed  ❜,  i mean it in the literal sense of the word  a.k.a.  ~absorbed~ in himself,  within his inner landscape,  how he relates to the world  &  how it relates to him,  etc.  when things happen ( as they do lol ),  he seems to instinctively think about it in terms of himself  &  what it means for him,  in relation to him specifically.  of course,  as a kid,  this is a given ;  all kids are self-absorbed in a way ( more so than all of us inherently are anyway ),  it’s to be expected,  but sam especially  &  especially in his environment growing up,  his level of self-absorption  &  prioritization,  even,  makes complete sense.  his mental / emotional / physical well-being was disregarded at every turn to the point where at a very young age,  he had to prioritize it himself in order to just survive because couldn’t rely on his own parent to do it for him.  arguably,  how much he could trust even dean with this could only go so far with sam knowing that no matter how much dean loved  &  cared for  &  put his little brother first,  he still ultimately wanted ( as far as sam can tell anyway ) to live the life their dad was paving the way for,  still put himself (  &  therefore sam,  if he wanted to be a part of this family ) in the line of fire on the regular.  so to a very reasonable degree,  sam’s independence / personal ambition / ~absorption~ in himself  &  his own desires ( NEEDS ) is very apparent in flashbacks  &  season 1 especially.  in fact,  it was VERY necessary if one wants to live a safe  &  normal life away from monsters  &  the possibility of death around every turn,  as the average person usually does,  &  sam of course falls into this majority.

          sam also comes across as an introvert,  which entails a lot if introspection  &  self-inspection,  which can often be interpreted (  &  of course sometimes turn into,  depending on the person ) as a form of self-absorption on top of the reasons above.  BUT,  i wanna talk about the more deeply-rooted reason he can come across as self-absorbed,  a reason that would remain no matter if he could escape his toxic environment growing up or not,  a reason that stays with sam until later seasons,  but just expresses itself in different ways as he grows  &  matures  &  changes.

          as we see throughout the entire series,  sam believes deep down to the very core of his being that he is EVIL.  every period  &  shade of his life,  he believes this in some way,  shape,  degree,  or form,  always.  he believes his very existence constitutes pain  &  problems  &  obstacles in those around him,  in the very WORLD ITSELF at times ( literally ).  to him,  his existence is at best an inconvenience  &  at worst an active  &  essential component to the suffering of others.  even as a child,  it’s revealed he felt this sense of wrongness in him,  this impurity,  this weight,  that he was a burden,  a problem,  a stain unable to be washed from the world or from his family’s life.  throughout the years,  he learns this was for a reason ;  because this wrongness literally runs through his veins,  is a part of him he can’t just salt  &  burn away,  run from to live a normal life  &  pretend it doesn’t exist because it is always with him,  forever  —  because it IS him.  during season 1  &  2,  sam almost seems like he WANTS to be proven a monster in his doggedness to pull on azazel’s strings,  despite it also being something he’s obviously deeply upset by.  due to sensing this for years  &  witnessing a correlation throughout his life of trauma after trauma  &  trouble after trouble caused to his loved ones,  caused by his very proximity to them at times ( from his perspective ) ;  circumstantial evidence at best,  but this is confirmation bias at work,  as he’s sensed something evil in him since he was a kid,  &  even subconsciously,  he’s looking for explanations  &  new pieces to fit into this theoretical puzzle of his.  

          because of this  —  this confirmation bias,  this belief that he is INHERENTLY BAD for the people around him,  &  even the world as a whole,  that’s only reinforced by his coincidentally fucked up life that seems to follow him around like it’s tied to him instead of the other way around,  whenever something goes wrong in his life or even just close to his general presence,  he INSTINCTIVELY thinks he has something to do with it.  this,  of course,  is technically quite self-centered of him ;  to just assume these things correlate to him,  as if he’s the center of it all,  of this whole web of his  &  his loved ones’ reality,  but when   ❛  these things  ❜  a.k.a.  bad things,  are like 90% of his life,  as the winchesters lead very troubled lives filled with bad to the absolute brim,  it leads to a situation where sam attributes pretty much most of what goes on around them to himself.  

          hence,  self-absorbed.

          he genuinely believes he is the cause ( directly or indirectly ) of most if not all the bad things in his father’s,  brother’s,  even jess’s life,  &  generally,  any things that happen around him are bad things that happen around him,  &  therefore to the most important people in his life.  he is PARANOID of this from the start ;  the pilot itself,  as soon as the nightmares he’d been having actually come true  &  he gets his first concrete signs that his suspicions in childhood might actually have tangible merit.  he is constantly hyper-aware of the possibility  &  probability that his mom’s clearly similar death was just as much his fault as his girlfriend’s,  just as much connected to HIM.  &  if that’s the case,  the whole of his father’s life after,  his own  &  his brother’s,  all this fighting  &  running  &  hurting,  because of HIM.  it’s on his mind 24/7,  it’s his world at the time,  these possibilities  &  probabilities  &  questions of the implications of his very existence itself,  that the very fact that he was even born could have caused his mother to be brutally killed over her own child,  his father to spiral into a tangle of miserable vengeance  &  grieving paranoia,  &  his brother to sacrifice practically everything just to ensure his family’s unity  &  safety.

          it could be said that early seasons sam has a tendency to  ❛  make things about him  ❜  half the time,  but given the context that most things are bad things that he insists on blaming his inherent badness to match,  as well as the context of his entire character arc  &  theme  &  storyline,  this makes perfect sense.  it’s not selfish of sam to do this ;  to a.)  prioritize his own health  &  well-being over his father’s vendetta growing up,  &  to later b.)  associate anything bad with himself because he sees his very existence as something problematic  &  wrong for anyone to exist alongside,  believes the misery following his family around to be proof of this  —  his self-absorption / centered-ness is NOT a selfish act by any means at all,  &  i hope people never equate them as such.  though,  it’s a little late for that,  as i’m very aware there are plenty of people who aren’t the biggest fans of this particular aspect of sam.

          i think all of this is very closely linked to how dramatically losing his loved ones can debilitate him.  whether it’s after dean goes to hell or after he goes to purgatory,  sam’s reality seems to uproot,  to shift on its axis,  &  even his entire direction as a character in a way.  he believes most if not all his existence can offer is bad  &  wrong  &  EVIL,  but he also knows ( can’t deny ) that it offers his brother solace in a way nothing else can.  he may not ( doesn’t ) understand it,  but he can’t deny it in the face of all that his brother’s done for him  &  so he works with it,  works with this ONE THING he can’t deny he apparently does RIGHT  &  not wrong,  GOOD  &  not evil.  but even this soon proves to crumble,  by circumstance or admitted by dean himself in some way or another,  it proves to be something he just fucks up again  &  again at the expense of the person most important to him,  to the person who finds him just as important in return.  sam believes he draws in these problems like a true north,  at best causes his brother pain  &  at worst actual death.  once he loses the one single thing he thought he could do right,  whether it be by making mistakes or by losing this person entirely,  he loses any reason to go on,  any defense he had of justifying his continued existence ;  that even if he fucks up everything else,  he at least had this one redeeming reason he was even born,  &  to lose that is to lose any form of stability in living whatsoever.

          &  DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW MUCH DEAN’S CONTINUOUS SACRIFICES FOR HIM AGAIN  &  AGAIN THROUGHOUT FOREVER REINFORCES THIS ENTIRE WAY OF THINKING OK ( this is in no way a knock at dean but i won’t get into it now ofc because i already spewed enough sleep-deprived rambles for a day but wowie )

[bisexual-horror-fan]

I JUST GOT THE MOST RANDOM IDEA THIS A ABOUT BUDDY SWANSONxreader Okay so this a imagine thing were he gets jealous you know and he ends up reminding them or her like hey you mine so yeah idk did that make sense nvm😀

OKAY! 

SO! 

Thank you so much for asking for this! I have so much respect for people who ask for shit off Anon and also thank you for asking for Buddy! (Also mentions of Poly!Camping Boys because duh I cannot stay away.) Thanks for the patience as well! I hope you love this as much as I loved writing this! I went off but it had been a while since writing Buddy and I adore him so much so I got INTO it. Let’s go!

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Rating. Explicit. Length. 3.8k. Buddy Swanson X AFAB! Reader. Warnings. Established Relationship. Poly!Camping Boys AU, Mention Only. Apologies To People Named Kevin. Possessive Behavior. Jealousy (Duh.) Passive Agression. Dominant Buddy. Dirty Talk. Begging. Spanking. Light Orgasm Denial. Making Out. Vaginal Fingering. Light Choking. Vaginal Sex. Creampie.

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Dear Jealousy. 

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Typically Sam was the one to pick you up from work. 

It was just how your schedules worked out, normally when you were getting out Buddy would be headed into work ready for the dinner rush. Today however he did the lunch shift and had the next few days off, you knew he had the next few days off, he and you were both excited to have some time together, he didn’t get a lot during the week, only a couple of hours when he was done work, if he was lucky. 

He loved his work but still would miss you, it helped that Sam was around, helped make him feel better that you at least weren’t alone that whole time, plus it definitely motivated him to make the time you did have together all the better. He couldn’t help feeling excited as fuck to see you, espically because it was a surprise, you weren’t expecting either of them to pick you up today. It was late spring, early summer, finally warm enough to forgo a jacket, he had plans to get you from work and bring you back to his and Sam’s place and was going to make dinner for the two of you. Sam was coincidentally out tonight, he wanted to give you and Buddy the place, let you make up for some of that time spent apart, felt bad that he’d almost be hogging you to himself as of late, besides he would be around a lot over the next few days anyway.  

You did love your job, it was a good fit for you, got along with all of your co-workers but as of late you were getting along really well with this one guy, Kevin, he was newer and you two just vibed really well. You weren’t exactly super open about the fact you were poly at work. People knew you were in a relationship and you would talk about it but you’d be vague. You would tell stories about your boyfriends but would act like it was all your one boyfriend as opposed to the two you actually had, and yet that didn’t seem to deter Kevin that much. Kevin was nice but his crush on you was obvious, he didn’t really overstep any bounds and again he was nice and you both worked well together so you let it go. No point in causing unnecessary friction at work and making things harder than they needed to be when it was all such smooth sailing currently. 

You and Kevin had been closing lately, you’d been showing him how to do that, running him through the duties and he was picking it up really quickly. Buddy had stopped by a local small time grocer he loved, he knew the owners personally and loved to support small time business like that. He picked up a few things for the dinner he had planned and was coming up on your work, right on time, he hadn’t visited your work often, mostly because again, Sam would be the one to pick you up. He had a few minutes before you were officially closed so he waited around out front, not much to do. He ended up looking in the window and saw you, wrapping up your work day, there was something about getting to watch you work without you being aware that he was there. He was leaning against the light post out front, unable to stop himself from smiling, fuck, just watching you being you was a reminder how much he missed you. 

It was great.

For about a minute. 

Then he saw Kevin with you. Him walking up to you, seemed to be asking some question and you explained it, showed him what to do, you were always really good at what you did, seeing you in action was nice, that wasn’t the issue. It was what happened next. After that this guy, he said something and you laughed, shoulder nudged him and you said something that made him laugh in return, too hard in Buddy’s opinion, and that made his smile fall a bit. He tried to brush it off, but the more he watched the less he liked whoever the fuck this guy was. He got too close to you, a bit too touchy, the fact he liked you was plain as day to him, and he was watching from outside and through a window, if he could tell this fucker liked you even then, well that said a lot about how ‘friendly’ this guy is. You seemed to be polite but not entertaining him a lot but you certainly could have shut him down more. It didn’t help with how he was feeling either. He trusted you, he didn’t trust this fucking guy who was the only one with you in the store at the moment. He wondered how often it was just you and him, how often you closed up and the thought that this was a regular occurrence bugged him. 

He hadn’t felt this way in a long fucking time. He knew he was capable of being jealous but there wasn’t anything that had set it off like this in a while. 

Finally you finished up. He saw the lights go out and he got off the post he was leaning against, watching as you walked out, keys in hand, locking up and now he could hear the both of you. 

“Ugh you’re off the next few days? What am I supposed to do without you around, huh?”

He said it almost whiny and Buddy decided right then that yeah, officially, this guy sucked, hated his voice and overall demeanor. You gave a small laugh and jerked on the door handle, confirming it was locked, as you said, “Oh you will get along just fine without me, it’s what? Only three days? You’ll live Kevin.”

Course his name is Kevin. 

Before he could respond there was Buddy, walking up to the two of you as he said in a tone that was way too familiar considering the fact he didn’t know him, “Yeah Kev, you’ll live.” 

You smiled as you saw him, “Buddy! I thought you had work?” You were already stepping away from Kevin and right into Buddy’s outstretched arm, he was inviting you for a hug and you took it. “I did the lunch shift today, wanted to make you dinner tonight.” You couldn’t see him looking over your head to Kevin who was looking less than pleased that you were clinging to him. Buddy kept his arm around your shoulder and you said, “Oh so sorry, how rude of me, Buddy this is Kevin my co-worker and Kevin this is my boyfriend, Buddy.” 

He couldn’t help the slightly smug smile as he gave a slight wave and a short “Hello.” There was this tone that Buddy could take sometimes, a little sarcastic and biting and it was present, toned down however, he was trying to hide that he was bothered. Trying to keep in mind that he was the one with his arm around you and he was the one who would be taking you home. Kevin was looking Buddy over and returned the greeting, also not that enthused, “Hey. So you are making her dinner tonight?” Before he could even have a chance to you were saying excitedly, “Yeah, Buddy is a professional chef!”

And Buddy couldn’t help but brighten a bit at that, I mean the look on Kevin’s face said it all even though he said “Really?” and Buddy was smirking as he said, 

“Really.” He let that hang for a moment before saying, “But we have to get going.” And he was pulling you away as he said, “Nice to meet you-Kevin was it?” 

You were aware of how Buddy was feeling, he wasn’t impressed by this guy and you couldn’t help the small laugh at the way he said that. 

"Yeah. Nice to meet you too.” Kevin didn't sound like he was smiling anymore and you called good-bye to him, unwrapping Buddy's arm from around you and taking his hand in yours, making your way to their place. 

You didn’t think much more of it though which was your mistake. Almost oblivious to how bothered he was by that guy, thinking that now you were away from him and off to enjoy your time with him, that it was cool. You were talking about your day, some story about a dumb customer and he tried to forget about it and just put his attention on you. 

Turns out that was a lot harder than he anticipated.

Even after he was back at his place with you and starting work on dinner it was still on his mind. Busy with the mis en place and unable to fucking focus at all. You were having a glass of wine he had gotten for you, unwinding as you sat at the kitchen table, there was a lull in the conversation, the only sound in the kitchen was of him chopping the vegetables and finally he decided to say something. 

“So Kevin, hmm?”

You glanced up from the table and over to him, his back was to you since he was working and you responded, “What about him?” 

“He seems really...What’s the word?”

A small hum as he considered his next word carefully and he decided on,

“Friendly. How long has he been working with you?”

“Hmm three months or so?”

A nod before he asked, “And has he had a crush on you that whole time or?”

You laughed at that, “I uh I don’t know how long he has. That obvious is it?”

“Oh I got there a few minutes before you closed. I could tell through the fucking window, I mean my God, does he need to touch you that often?”

The way he said ‘need’ like that, almost like it tasted bad, fuck he was upset wasn’t he? 

“Like touching your co-workers isn’t a requirement of the job is it? Because he sure acts like it is.” Then you said something that was probably a bad idea,  

“Why Buddy, are you jealous?” 

He scoffed at that, the knife was put down and he turned around to look at you, hands being wiped off on the clean dish towel he had before throwing it over his shoulder as he said with a gesture to himself, “Me? Jealous of fucking Kevin? As if.”

“Sure seems like you are”

You were smiling and took another sip of your wine, you hadn’t really seen him be jealous in front of you before, it was kind of cute. He wasn’t reserved with his feelings, you knew he cared a lot but still seeing him like this was strangely nice. You pushed him a little too far however. He picked up that dish towel off his shoulder and threw it casually onto the counter as he walked over to you, “I don’t know if I’m in love with your tone right now.” 

“No?”

You asked it with a smile, mock innocence as you pushed it. He leaned down, leaning over you, one hand on the back of your chair and the other on the table, locking you in as he confirmed that, “No.” 

Shit, you might have pushed him a little too far. That look as he said this next part, he looked serious, you couldn’t remember the last time he looked that serious. 

“You aren’t inviting that shit, right?” 

That made you decide to drop the more playful act and said, “Wha-what him touching me? No, of course not.” Buddy straightened up and started to untie his apron as he said, “You sure? I seem to recall you returning some of that.” 

Shit. Did you? Not consciously, maybe in the moment you did without thinking, why did you do that?

“I mean am I not enough? Is Sam not enough? You know that would break his heart to hear, don’t you?” 

He took his apron off and threw it onto the back of the chair across the table and he reached out and took the wine glass from you and set it on the table, the idea of Sam thinking that, hell the idea of Buddy thinking that was fucking awful, you spoke quickly, trying to refute him, “I never said that! You are more than enough.” 

“Pretty words but how can I believe you when your actions say otherwise?” 

A pause.

He was looking you over like he was genuinely trying to decide what to do with you. “Maybe you just need a reminder.”

And before you could really think or respond or react he was leaning down and his hands were on your waist and his mouth was on yours, kissing you hungry and possessive. There was always this kind of heat, this particular kind of passion that he had, he loved being in control, being dominant, he could still be very kind of playful but that aspect was absent this time. You had been sitting sideways on that chair, back of the chair on one side, table on the other and with him in front of you, nowhere to go, not like you would want to, then with his hands on still on you he was pushing your back into the wall. You had started kissing him back so quickly after he had started, one of your hands on the table and the other one fisting in his shirt, fuck it felt good. 

With your eyes closed you didn’t see this, you felt it. One of his hands sliding off your waist and falling between your legs, feeling your through your clothes and you let out a quiet gasp against his mouth and he lived for pulling those kinds of sounds from you. Hips tilting into his touch further and he touched you, it wasn’t super rough but surely not as gentle as he had been previously when first getting started, you weren’t upset about it at all, you tugged on his shirt, pulling him deeper into that kiss and then he was pushing your skirt out of the way. Feeling him touch you with only your panties in the way was always so intense, you were getting wet so quickly, you pulled back with a quiet moan and he started to circle your clit. Since you had pulled back he was able to look into your eyes and he asked low, “Good?”

A quick nod and the pressure increased and it had your legs tensing, head falling back to rest against the wall behind you, “So good.” He was pulling the crotch of your panties to the side as he said, “I think you want some more.” And before you could respond two of his fingers were sliding up through your folds collecting your wetness and spreading it as he went, back to rubbing your clit, nothing in the way now, just him on you made you moan his name. 

He would never get sick of you moaning his name, it made him want more than he already was, fingers slipping back down and entering you and your back arched with a sharp inhale, fuck, you always felt so damn good. He wanted to split you open, claim you and make you his, he wanted to make you cry from how good it felt, make you forget that asshole’s name, he wanted the only thing spilling from your mouth to be broken moans and feeble attempts at saying his name. He was desperate to hear that, hear you hardly able to string a coherent sentence together and all because of him. 

His fingers curled and he hit that spot that made your legs jerk and his palm pressed close and ground, giving you some friction to your clit that made your breath catch in that way that would jump straight to his cock. God he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer at this rate, he was kissing you again, hand on your face as he pulled you closer and he tried to focus. You were so good like this, trying to kiss him back, tugging on whatever of his clothes you could reach, gasping and moaning against his mouth as you rocked against his fingers, fucking back down onto them, so into the moment. He could feel that you were getting close, squirming and needy, and then you did something that made it impossible to keep going. One of your hands sliding into his hair and pulling on those soft curls of his, a bite of his bottom lip as you whined out, “Buddy-” and he was gone. 

He groaned into your mouth and pulled back with a curse, fingers pulling out and you wanted to protest until you saw him undoing his belt, yes you needed more than just fingers, you rushed to get ready. Hands under your own skirt, ridding yourself of your soaked panties and tossing them to the side, the flannel he had on over his t-shirt was shrugged off as he told you, “Keep going.” You had all night but you were both so worked up, rushing through removing your clothes.

You didn’t need to be told twice and your shirt was pulled off over your head and his pants were dealt with and he was on his knees in front of you, hands on your hips encouraging you to lift up and your skirt was being pulled off and discarded. He was kissing your neck as he was taking off your bra, those kisses didn’t stay just that, bites that made you moan again, uncaring of any marks he would leave. Now stripped bare just as he was and then you were being repositioned by him. Bent over the chair you had previously been sitting on, chest and stomach on the seat of the chair and his hands were on your hips and he was sinking inside of you with a groan that you matched. Fuck the stretch was so damn delicous, satsified that deep need inside, you were gripping the edge of the chair and your eyes fell closed when he was fully inside of you. 

He didn’t even do what he normally did, no pause to soak in the feeling of being inside of you, he needed you, needed to do just what he said before. Remind you of why you were his, he wasted no time in angling himself just right, a hand on your lower back to assist him and he hit that spot that made you moan his name. 

Every moan and rushed breath and twitch help soothe him, there was no way you’d ever leave him for that son of a bitch or anyone else, no one could fuck you like this, wreck you so quickly. You weren’t trying to quiet yourself at all which he loved, you remembered the one time you did try to quiet yourself.

You had tried to cover your face with a pillow while he was going down on you on the couch, that pillow was ripped from your grasp and was thrown across the room, his hand was on your throat and he was inside of you so quickly, he fucked you roughly as he told you that he always wanted to hear you, no hiding, as he put it, looking down at you, those beautiful brown curls hanging down as he told you that muffling yourself “-wasn’t allowed.”

You came pretty fucking hard that afternoon. He was so glad you hadn’t forgotten that particular lesson, your ass certainly hadn’t after you had been over his knee so you made sure to commit it to memory. You were moaning his name, his hands were pulling you back as he fucked foward into you, the pace was fantastic, you were trembling, you had gotten so close before that it wasn’t taking much to get you there again. He could tell, kind of hard not to when you were wrapped around him like this, his chest met your back, totally closed in again, slowing the pace, still grinding against that spot just right but the change in pace made your climb slow down. 

“Ahhn-Bu-Buddy, no, speed up, I-I was close-”

There was a kiss on the back of your shoulder and he said simply, “I know you were but no. I need something from you first.” 

God you were aching for it already, you agreed with a short nod and asked with your voice still too shaky, “Wh-what is it?” One of his hands coming up, tilting your chin up, dragging over your jaw, making you turn your head and with a much harder thrust that put you in danger of almost falling off your chair, thumb dragging over your bottom lip as he said in that same serious and possessive tone from before, “Tell me you who belong to.”

You practically melted under him and with a moan you confessed the obvious, “Yours.” He breathed out in your ear, “Fuck.” 

It felt good to say and he clearly loved it. “Again.” 

You said it easily, “Yours.” and his hand slid down to your throat and the pace increased again, the fullness of him inside felt so incredible and the way the head of his cock hit that spot over and over stole your breath and without further prompting you kept saying it and it seemed to drive him further. “Buddy! God, yours’ yours, M’ all yours.” 

You were close again, sounding so in need, and from the way his pace faltered, the feeling of his breath on the back of your neck, his own strained groans he wasn’t far behind you. Pushing back to meet him in the middle, as much as you could, it was hard with him pressed so close to him but you aided him in any way you could as you chased your own end. “Close-” 

You could feel him squeeze your throat and it made you clench down on him even harder as he told you-

“Cum. I wanna feel it-” 

-and you did just like the good girl he knew you to be. You were nigh incoherent just as he wanted, thighs trembling as you were moaning out something that sounded close to his name in between panting breaths as you rode out your orgasm. 

“Fill me-please?”

You had barely come down when you asked for it, breathy and sounding so hungry for it, like it was essential and it made him cum all the harder. Holding still, buried as deep as he could be inside as he spilled into you, it drew a moan from you as you felt it but even still you were able to hear that one word said harshly in your ear, definitive and clear and truer than anything. 

“Mine.”