#( idgaf about structured meetings or solving problems i am letting this shit OUT OF THE BAG )

[hiisheart]

( i'm gonna get real with you guys for a sec.

it's been an extremely uncertain time for me lately regarding my educational outlook and my mental health, but this was really the fucking kicker. i know i said i was ready to go back to school, but honestly, if my job prospects are gonna be impacted by this outcome by virtue of me being a non-binary and trans person, part of me is kind of like why bother. why bother pursuing music therapy, an offshoot of a practice that is actively being demonized because it's being used to help queer youth and young adults, and by virtue of such will likely be one of the earlier legislative targets. what is going to happen if i am unable to legally change my name and all my documents, if i am unable to legally change my gender, if i am unable to even be considered as a new hire because legally i will be seen as some sort of contagion, because i do not present as what my original documents have determined i am supposed to look like and act like at birth. if i am ever going to be able to transition. i don't even have the financial or social support yet for getting my name and/or gender changed which has been fucking sucking at my soul all day. i genuinely am the most unsure i've ever been in the last few weeks and that is saying something. hell, this is probably the most unsure i've been in my whole life. i genuinely do not know what's going to happen to me if anything at all. it's hard enough being in a politically divided household and having one parent constantly gaslighting me and telling me 'it's gonna be fine' WHEN IT VERY OBVIOUSLY MIGHT NOT BE. telling me that they love me even though they supported a rapist, convicted felon who has promised to double down on hurting and marginalizing the people in my community. some of y'all may be asking 'noah how the fuck are you still alive and standing and breathing after all this.' trust me, i'm with you too. but it's probably because the thought of being and becoming more of what the guys who won hate is what's empowering me enough to stick this one through. and i'll be rocking my pink triangle pin for all 1400 days. because i need people to see the kind of fear that me and people like me are going to be experiencing. the kind of unprecedented horrors that my gut tells me will happen that are yet to strike at us. the prospects are damaging and dangerous. project 2025 is real and WILL empower this administration no matter how much their head guy (not even gonna bother saying his name) has tried to distance himself from it. i guess my advice then is to be prepared. and to do what you can to make yourself feel less alone. because we're more vulnerable alone. that's what they want. they want to separate us and keep us apart because we're much weaker divided. take some self-defense training classes. hell, get fucking strapped if that's what you wanna do. make more time for self-care, regularly schedule debrief meetings or talk groups with your friends. it doesn't have to be a therapy session, you can just play video games and talk about the week, cuz that's what me and my friends do. no matter what, we are going to need each other moving forward. )