#( i just. the softer sides of blade some people see is both entirely y.ingxing but also *blade* at the same time- )

[daybreakrising]

HEADCANONS - BLADE & Y.INGXING

i've wanted to address this for a while because whilst these two identities are completely separate, they are also not at all separate and i wanted to touch on the ways y.ingxing lingers like a shadow within blade & what that means

THE MORTAL

the main contrast i hc between the two is that where blade is characteristically more introverted, y.ingxing was extroverted. he wasn't always, but he grew into it as he aged. his lore states:

"...though y.ingxing was a shy boy in his youth, he became more confident as he grew up, and was described to be an arrogant man by many..."

so, to borrow the overused phrase, he came out of his shell and grew into a more confident, more extroverted personality.

and to focus on that last bit for a second, he was seen as arrogant by many - i have taken this to mean y.ingxing was a proud man as well as a confident one. this is a man who knew he was good at what he did and wasn't afraid to show it. add to that the varying status of the company he later keeps, it's not surprising he might have been considered arrogant. he was, after all, a member of the high cloud quintet.

THE IMMORTAL

the events of the sedition obviously changed many aspects of the man that was y.ingxing, and the traumatic repetitive deaths at j.ingliu's hands, combined with the ever-present threat that is mara, stripped away many of the aspects of his personality alongside his humanity. the man that y.ingxing had been was buried deep, shut away, never to see the light of day again.

or was he?

because there are still hints of that man within blade, and those who are close to him (especially those who knew y.ingxing) will see glimpses of him from time to time. the confidence that blade exudes, for example, is all y.ingxing. the glimpses of humanity as he is gradually, so gradually, reminded that he is not just a weapon - that is y.ingxing. when he smiles - and i mean a true, genuine smile, not a manic, mara-driven grin - it is y.ingxing who is smiling through blade's facade.

CAPACITY TO HATE; CAPACITY TO LOVE

this is a key one. an important aspect of both blade and y.ingxing. herein lies another of their greatest contrasting traits: blade is filled with hatred; y.ingxing was filled with love. love for his craft, love for the people he cared for, love for life, and yes, even love for himself.

and this, by extension, is the thing that binds them together - because in order to hate with such ferocity, one must also be able to love in the same degree. and whilst this is certainly an emotion blade does not display (or feel) too easily or readily, he inherently has the capacity for it. that he can feel such seething, bitter hatred is rooted in how deeply, achingly fiercely y.ingxing was able to love.

y.ingxing is blade's humanity. blade is the weapon; an identity crafted to suit his new existence, to separate who he was from who he is. but y.ingxing is still there. he cannot separate himself entirely from who he was (and nor, i think, does he want to).

and this shadow of who he was remains a distant echo both for the sake of his sanity (y.ingxing is too tightly woven into memories that trigger the mara; too dangerous to hold too close), and because blade has forgotten what it is to be human. his new identity is so rooted in being a weapon, in being a tool, something of use, and it has been so long now since he was y.ingxing (700+ years) that he has simply... forgotten.

blade will never again be y.ingxing - that is impossible, even if he would wish for it. too much has changed, he is too different from the man he was, and there is no going back. but he is relearning his humanity little by little, and he is discovering that it means something different to him now than it did before. he may never be him again, but y.ingxing will always be a part of him, will always influence his emotions and his actions.

he will always be y.ingxing at heart, if not in mind.