#( i just wish i haven't been practically socialized into believing that everything i say and do is somehow bad or harmful to me/others )

[titxxn]

( my simple request is to come home and not get yelled at first thing cuz it fucks up everyone's mood and now i'm thinking that maybe the next best thing is for me to just somehow flip my car and move on to the next world or whatever while driving to a friends' house cuz maybe that'd make it better for everyone or smth idk )

[f1-disaster-bi]

"You deserve better than me." ~ Daniel/Lando?

Oooo this is giving Party au

Lando had always known that eventually something about his sobriety would get out.

He knew that nothing stayed secret forever. He knew that he'd have to talk about his missing year at some point, that he couldn't ignore it but he had thought that he'd have more time to figure it out.

Lando had always planned to say something. He'd been working towards it with both his sponsor and therapist. He'd talked to the team about it, about coming forward with his struggle with mental health and with being sober, but Lando had really thought that it would happen when he retired, not while he was still racing.

The choice had been taken out of his hands three weeks ago.

Someone had leaked something about his six months in the inpatient rehab program. They hadn't been able to find out who the person was, but enough was leaked that Lando had woken up to panicked calls from his magement, from the team, from his friends and family.

He had woken up to Max bursting into his apartment, and taking his phone away from him because Lando had started having a break down and Daniel wasn't there. Charles had held him while he had sobbed, and Max had filtered his social media but he still saw what everyone was saying about him.

It didn't matter how hard they tried, Lando still saw the messages, the tweets, the articles. He saw what everyone thought about him. He saw the fans turning on him, calling him junkie scum, wishing he had died.

Lando had already put out his statement. He had given an interview to Natalie. All questions had been pre-checked, and Lando had had to have his sponsor nearby. He'd been honest about his mental health, about his drinking, about the team noticing something was wrong and getting him help. He left out the admission that he had drank in his drivers room and had driven in practices in Monaco while riding a high. No one needed ro know that.

The interview had helped a little. It had helped for the world to see what he had dealt with, to hear his words and he knew that even if a thousand people hated him, that there was at least one person out there watching his interview and seeing that they could do it. They could get clean too, and he tried to focus on that but right now, Lando’s head was too loud.

It was too messy inside his head as he remained curled up in the dark of his hotel room. A group of fans ha been screaming abuse at him on the way into the hotel. One had thrown a drink at him and Lando had walked straight into the shower with his clothes on because he smelled of vodka and it made him want to wretch.

"Lando? Baby, are you with me?", Daniel asked softly as he reached for him, never touching without Lando’s consent. Lando hadn't even heard him come in. "Baby, talk to me. Don't disappear on me"

Lando looked at him as best as he could in the dark. He reached out for Daniel's hand, taking it in his own and squeezing softly as he tried to find his words among the mess in his head. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth.

"You deserve better than me", Lando whispered as he felt his tears building up behind his eyes, "I'm so sorry"

Daniel watched him with sad eyes as he lifted Lando’s hand to kiss it softly.

"Can I touch your face?", Daniel asked, and when Lando nodded, Daniel cupped his face softly. He tilted Lando’s head so their eyes met, "You are my everything, sunshine. There is no one in this world that is better for me because I already found the best and it's you, okay? You're my heart, my home, my always, and I love you. You have nothing to apologise for"

Lando wanted to believe him. He wanted so desperately to be perfect for Daniel but he just felt like a screw up. He felt like everytime things were going right for them, he fucked it up with his addiction issues despite the fact he was over four years sober now.

"I keep messing up", Lando choked out, tears spilling down his cheeks and over Daniel's hands.

"No, sunshine. You haven't fucked up", Daniel reassured, leaning in to kiss his forehead softly, "The world is just a shitty place that takes advantage of people's struggles for likes and comments but you are not messing anything up. You make the world a better place by being here, by being you and showing people that you are more than the traumas you endured, okay? I love you so much, please believe that"

Lando sniffled as he leaned forward to rest his head against Daniel's. He tried to nod softly as Daniel brushed his nose against his in a soft gesture.

"I love you too", Lando whispered softly, "Everything is just...."

"Too Much right now", Daniel finished for him, wiping away Lando's tears, "And that's okay. Something really horrible was done to you and they took away your choice to come forward when you were ready. It's okay that you're not okay, Lando. Just don't shut me out"

"Okay, okay, I can do that", Lando nodded as Daniel moved to kiss his forehead again before he pushed into Daniel's lap, needing his fiancé close, "Hold me?"

"Always, sunshine. I'm never letting you go"

[astronumerology]

Chiron in Capricorn

The Wound of Accomplishment

Wounds that result from Acknowledgment And Recognition

Chiron in Capricorn will bring about the pain of recognition in your life, and not only in your profession but so in your personal life as well.

You would like to be acknowledged, acknowledged, and praised by people.

This Chiron place is difficult to forget because it is about society and those who surround you.

You're constantly pressured to be the best you can, and impress your friends so that you can achieve the position you've always wanted in life.

The Wound of Achievement

People who are born who have Chiron in Capricorn and just as Capricorn is the sign Capricorn itself, are known to be the people who work hard in the Horoscope.

As with Capricorn like Capricorn, you're more in touch with the physical aspect of yourself.

You will always put the money, your career, accomplishments as well as social statuses and higher levels on the corporate ladder over everything else because you consider that to be the most important thing in the world.

The Chiron in Capricorn wound is the result of your intense desire to accomplish and achieve as much as you can in this lifetime.

Chiron in Capricorn is something that's not noticeable to people who don't pay attention to you.

In the eyes of other people, you are likely to look like a hardworking person However, the reality is that you're trying hard due to the fact that you are in discomfort.

The Insanity Of Feeling Unrecognized

Your suffering is caused by the reality that no matter how hard you work to succeed it is still difficult to feel ignored, unnoticed and not heard.

This can sometimes make you feel like you are fading to the background and gradually becoming unnoticed.

In contrast to your desire for people to take notice of you, you just keep in a state of disappearing from the masses. This Chiron scar reveals that all you really want in this world, is the respect of others.

You wish to be seen and heard. But like all things we wish for in life, the top priorities in life, they are the only things we can never seem to be able to.

For you, that is admiration, praise and recognition.

The Frustration Of Failure

Due to Chiron in Capricorn Because of Chiron in Capricorn, you work hard to attain all you ever dreamed of.

You've been working hard your whole life to attain some sort of social status and public appreciation.

You're with people, planning your every move, planning ahead of what you'll say and how to be able to say it, so that you're not making any mistakes.

Your best practice is to maintain your best manner in public if you want to be admired and famous by others. That's how you appear when you are at work.

You spend long hours and work on the weekends just to reach your career aim as soon as possible.

So, it comes as not a surprise to feel the pain you feel when you do not get it right in certain aspects of this endeavor that you are feeling as if you've failed. The pain and suffering the experience of feeling like being a failure can be very real.

The chronic wound is often leading you to believe that it is an inability, which does not exist even.

What you think of as a defeat can usually be a very typical and basic setback which we all face at some point in life.

How Can I Recover Chiron In Capricorn?

At times, later in life, those with Chiron in Capricorn could abandon their dreams. They choose to retire and stop trying and working so long and hard.

It may seem like the perfect time for relaxation and relaxation, but the fact is, it can lead to depression or compulsions and all that because they haven't worked through this Chiron wound.

Healing your Chiron pain and wounds is not something that can be accomplished in an instant.

You can't not notice your Chiron woundsince it's always visible. Every now and again, you might be reminded of the fact that your discomfort is there and that's what makes you want to heal the wound.

Although having the Chiron wounds feel painful, once you heal you'll realize that it's actually beneficial and could help you tremendously in your life!

Chiron Healing Gifts

When we are able to accept the pain and battle the darkness that is constantly coming from our Chiron pain, we can discover the source of our strength.

The vulnerability we feel heals us and transforms Chiron hurt into healing gifts.

They are the tools we use to heal ourselves, however, they are also able to heal and aid others around us as well.

The reason for Chiron healing abilities is sharing them with others and that's why it's referred to as the "Wounded Healer".

Stop Looking For Acceptance

Once you heal the Chiron injury, you no need about living your life in search of the approval of other people.

You're always aspired and put in the effort, but this time is about you and your personal contentment.

You learn to appreciate your efforts and not be frustrated when you don't succeed. Intelligent people just like you realize that you can make a leap in reverse and make a run for it.

You know your worth and value and your existence does not revolve around being the best in the eyes of others.

Believing in the things you love and believe in your abilities and skills can be a healing gift. It also teaches others around your that they can live their life free from other people's validation because we are the sole ones that know best what makes us feel happy.

As long as you're content and happy, you shouldn't be concerned about what other people think or say about their opinions. Chiron Healing's gifts liberate you from any limitations in life, pressures that aren't needed and stress. So, accept the healing process and live living life to the fullest!

[lantur]

I can't believe I haven't written in almost two weeks. :// I really regret falling so behind with journaling on here. I want to get back to it, because it helps me process my thoughts. Long post underneath the read more.

notes on life,

I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my work trip two weeks ago, but I was delighted to get to see @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee and @annespelledwithane again. Spending time with them (going out for ramen and to the prettiest tea house in the East Village, and then eating an entire buffet of desserts from two different bakeries, and staying up until 2 AM) was a mini-vacation I very much needed.

It took me a whole week to recover from being out of town for a few days. :// I truly don't bounce back from travel the way I used to a few years ago...

I've been in my new job for almost exactly one month now. The challenging transition phase is over. I'm still adjusting to being way busier than I used to be, putting a lot more mental effort in. It's tiring. Every day, I do roughly as much work as I used to do in one week at my old job, so I have to work faster and harder than I used to before. It makes the days go by super fast, which is disorienting. I feel like February just started, but actually the month started eight days ago.

I've been trying to keep on top of my personal goals despite all of that. I've been enjoying swimming and yoga. I cooked a new recipe, halal cart chicken and rice, and it turned out really good. I'm hoping to cook two more new recipes before the end of this month. I finished my audiobook of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, and it was so good that I kept thinking of the ending for days after I finished it. I started listening to My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix a few days ago as well.

I had my long-awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but the psychiatrist was very kind and empathetic, and she is also another WOC. She has suggested starting a new medication to treat type 2 bipolar disorder. I'm nervous, but hopeful that this could help me.

I've been going through pelvic floor physical therapy as well for the past couple of weeks, which is quite a time and energy commitment - weekly appointments with the PT, and regular practice at home. It's tiring, on top of everything else going on with work, social life, home maintenance, exercise, etc., but I'm hopeful that this too will help me address longstanding issues with excessive pelvic floor tightness. I wish it could be fixed quickly, but I think it might take months to sort out.

I've been enjoying spending time with Derek playing board games, and cuddling my cat Westin and watching The Wire at night/in the evenings after work. The quiet time really helps me recover before the next work day.

I have been loving watching The Last of Us.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little nieces, five and almost three years old, on Saturday and playing hide and seek with them. <3

I had a dream that really hit me hard a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I got to see my brother again. We hung out, and I gave him a big hug. I was adopted, so we weren't raised together. We only saw each other once every few years, until our families became estranged. I haven't seen him in 10 years now, as we live in different countries. We're in touch occasionally over text. I wrote on here last fall that I thought I processed my grief over that separation, and found surrogate siblings in my brothers- and sisters-in-law via Derek's family. So this dream hit me hard. I wouldn't have normally done this, but I sent my brother a short text tonight, just saying I was thinking about him and I hope he and his wife are doing well. It hurts a lot. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I would love to give him and my sister-in-law a hug.

I'm looking forward to therapy on Friday. I haven't been able to have an appointment in about three weeks or so, and I'm excited to be able to process my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, and getting back to doing that on here by myself as well.

[loominggaia]

Theory: Mr. Ocean is only sweet and gentle because everyone is a toddler compared to him. He's just treating them like little kids because to him they are!

ANON I LOVE THIS LMAO

Mr. Ocean strikes me as one of those people who feels like they never grew up. Even though he's physically older than almost everyone around him, he behaves as if he's younger because he assumes that everyone is smarter, more capable, and more "grown up" than him. Mentally he is wise but socially he's like a child. He never takes positions of authority. Even as leader of the Oceanic Resistance, he always bent to Mr. Roach's wishes because he assumed Mr. Roach knew better than him.

He pissed most of his life away either being coddled by his parents or high on drugs. The only time he was forced to "grow up" were those 80 years with Solveig, and that isn't very long from a cecaelia's perspective.

I think there is some truth to your idea, in that Mr. Ocean recognizes how young everyone is compared to him, but he doesn't really patronize them for it. He still assumes that they are smarter and more mature than him, which shows just how little self-confidence he has.

In "Mage in the Making", he actually says that he envies the short-lived species because their fleeting lives are more precious. He believes they must value their lives more than his species does, simply because they have less time to spare.

However, I think most ancient cecaelia do become jaded and patronizing to others. When you've been alive for 800+ years, you might feel like you've done it all, seen it all, and no one can possibly teach you anything you haven't already learned--especially not someone who's less than a century old. A 50-year-old human is practically a fetus compared to you, what do they know?

That childlike wonder is what makes Mr. Ocean unique compared to the rest of his kind. No matter how much time passes, he's still amazed by the world and everything in it, even by things he's already seen before. He never assumes that he knows it all, and he's fascinated by everything he encounters.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[rewritingtrauma]

Chronic illness and isolation

After a while, maybe it was 6 months, maybe 10, or maybe just recently, 15 months since I first got ill, I started to feel something I havent felt before... First, it was pain. Not a specific pain but a pain that runs about in my body like a wild fire of nerve endings. Pain in my legs, my feet, my hands, my head, my fingers, my eyes... pain in parts of my body i'd forgotten or had barely registered were there at all. Second, was this feeling of, how to describe it, being half dead? This feeling is less of the body and more of the world, the social, the interbeing: when I get messages from friends telling me about their holidays, adventures, accomplishments, or even the rare occassion when I get to spend time with people and they talk about all they've been doing... I feel like I'm only half with them in the land of the living. The other half if me is underwater, in the cold earth, dead. When people ask me what my plans are, I don't know how to say (without feeling like a failure, an abboration) "I can't make any plans. Everything depends on the pain, the energy, if I can get out of bed. And besides, I have no money."... I've watched a year go by in which people have moved house, made great art, been on tour, recorded albums, written thesis, books, and poetry. Pwople have grown gardens, had babies, changed jobs, been on protests... And the best I can say, for a year of my life (15 months in fact), is that I didn't completely die. Since November 2022 I haven't make anything, been anywhere, achieved anything. I haven't made any money, spent any money, made any art, written any stories, I haven't danced, swam, cycled, run, jumped, or cartwheeled. But, for 15 months, I managed not to die. And somehow that has to be enough.

Hardly polite dinner conversation.

"Things will get better" my partner keeps telling me. And yet, time passes, and as it does the further away from life and the world I feel, and the less I am able to believe these words. While my friends and peers have holidays, make babies, create great works of art, build lives together, I sink further and further away from a life of meaning, purpose, or connection.

Last year, at about the time my father died, we got the letter from DWP to say I was turned down for financial support because I didn't have enough medical evidence. This is a bitter pill when you're suffering from a mysterious illness that doesn't have a test to show it exists. When you read back a report of your life, according to an evaluator, which does not look like your life at all. "I have deemed that Iris can cook a meal from scratch... I have deemed that iris can carry out every day tasks unaided..." etc etc. This is harder still when we have almost no medical support (a failing GP practice who you can't get an appointment with for 3 months and a very long waiting list for the CFS service).

Apologies. I suppose this is just a rant. I thought it was better than going back to sleep but maybe not. I wish I was putting good energy out into the world. Instead, I'm sinking.

[yourtypicalmillennial]

It's been almost a year since the last time I posted my journal here. And the same old story will be written again here. My crying and heartbroken story will fill my Tumblr again. No, I don't go back to him. Only few pieces of aching feelings are left. I just need to get rid of them before it gets bigger and bigger.

Around May this year, I found out that he has been back from his Twitter hiatus. I didn't notice that he was there since April because I had muted him. I don't unfollow him for a childish reason. I don't want to be the first to unfollow because I might look like a coward trying to avoid the past.

I was using my Twitter second account to scroll through tweets quoting a tweet from a popular selebtweet. And I happened to see him quoting it using a screenshot of someone sending him "I LOVE YOU!" text through Twitter DM. I, in fact, had no idea whether it was a screenshot from his own DM or he took it from the internet. Nevertheless, I couldn't resist the temptation of clicking on his profile. And there I was, my screen displayed his bio. It took me one or two minutes before I swiped up to see what he tweeted. This sudden indescribable feeling heated up my chest. It wasn't a kind of pain but it wasn't a good feeling either. At first I thought I was feeling unhappy because he has found someone and I haven't. But it wasn't. I wasn't hurt by the idea of him replacing me with someone else because one day I'll definitely replace him with someone better. Then again, I was stupid to finally decide to see how he has been getting on. Checking up on him was something I thought I wouldn't do, but I did it anyway.

He seems to get by. He lives well as he should. I don't hate him for living well. But there is this anxious feeling that I can't describe how and why. I don't hate it but I don't feel happy for him either. I used to hate knowing that he had no regret hurting me but today it doesn't hurt me as much. I don't regret that we were over. I wished him a terrible life. But now I wish I hadn't said that wish. He's a good guy with good intentions but life sometimes tricks us and turns us into a villain. And I believe he was in such a situation when he was with me. I've tried to understand him better from a good spotlight now.

I shared my wrong during our relationship. I wouldn't say I was without a sin. I might have hurt him in the part I didn't know and for the reasons I didn't know. I admit that I had made a lot of stupid decisions that damaged the relationship to some level. And I had been blaming myself too much for making him decide to break up with me. With which I felt I fed my insecurity for over a year. Calling myself stupid whenever I remember my mistakes was like my daily affirmation. Convincing myself I wasn't worth anyone's love did a damage to my self-esteem.

I'm glad I hold on to my religion. I don't persuade anyone to do what I do because different individuals have different way of operating their coping mechanism. I only have my God. I constantly practice the mindfulness my religion has taught me, like praying every day, seeing everything from a positive light, reading more books, holding myself back from giving nasty comment on social media and the like.

Sometimes the only thing I need is to be alone so I can be empty. And the emptiness can give me a chance to rewrite my story with a happy ending. Now that I forgive myself, I feel better about myself. And surprisingly, I can genuinely forgive him. I don't have to tell him this, do I? Not that he needs it badly.

I have been quite optimistic for a while. But I still don't get what, how, and why this weird feeling appears out of nowhere. I assume the ashes of my last negative feeling is still lingering. It's fine. I'm not in rush when cleaning up things. I'm taking my time scraping out that weird feeling.

[stargaze-issei]

— "𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮" (𝐭. 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; after losing you, todoroki moves on with his life. you know you never stopped loving him, and he's desperately wants you back. but life has a funny way to do things.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; angst.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; none.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 1.8k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; this is a continuation from this ficlet, so probably there are a few things you won't understand if you haven't read it. anyways, enjoy.

you had moved on, and to say it had been hard was an understatement. you absolutely believed todoroki was your soulmate, but when you found out what he did, it simply devastated you. even thinking of him made your heart ache. you knew you made the right choice, getting out of every shared space you two had, distancing from everything that reminded you of him. transferring to shiketsu was by far the best way. of course, you had to leave all your friends, but they would always be one call away.

for todoroki it was the other way around. no matter how hard he tried, everything had a piece of you in it. his room was full of memories with you, all the times you fell asleep on his bed, your study sessions that always ended up in something more, you dancing and singing to mamma mia's soundtrack. he ended up staying at midoriya's most days, but even then, he would think about you. it was his default mode, somehow, his mind always went back to you.

he shut down completely after seeing you with yoarashi, no one could make him talk about his beloved or his feelings. he started to go to the gym more often, train alone in the woods at night. he barely slept, and as soon as he woke up, he'd start exercising. he was so tired that he didn't think of you. that was his way of moving on, though in every sense of the word, he never actually did.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

focusing all his life in becoming a hero, he came first of the class with a big gap. at his twenties, he opened his own hero agency. since your break up, he never had another partner, too afraid that no one could be like you, make him feel what you did.

in your case, after graduating you went to work with mirko. everyone knew you being her sidekick. it wasn't weird to hear about your ex boyfriend on the news, he had achieve all his goals in life, and that made you happy. you no longer held any remorse against him. he was a good person who made a mistake, of course you had forgiven him.

"so, [hero name], you've been going up in the charts like a rocket, could you be thinking about starting your own agency? some heroes, like shoto, are already making their way through the industry" the interviewer asked you. for the first time since highschool, someone asked you about todoroki as a hero.

"i love working with mirko, she's amazing and i think i still have a lot to learn from her. i do admire heroes like shoto, he's undeniably good at what he does, but i think is still too soon for me" you smiled when you mentioned him. even after all those years, when todoroki watched that interview, he caught on those little details. it felt good hear you saying his name again.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

it's confirmed! pro hero y/n and yoarashi inasa are getting married! the rumors were confirmed by a picture posted on their social media accounts showing their engagement rings and captioning "she said yes/he finally asked". we are w–.

to todoroki, it was extra hard that you were marrying you highscool boyfriend. he couldn't stop thinking, if he hadn't messed up, you would be marrying him. an hour later, midoriya called.

"how are you?" even though izuku was trying to not be obvious, shoto knew what he meant.

"in another timeline, y/n and i would be getting married".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹

todoroki finally met someone, you heard on the gossip chanel. great, that was great, he deserved to feel the happiness you felt with inasa, right? of course he did. he was an amazing boyfriend, any person would be lucky to have him, you were happy for him. that was what that knot in your throat was, that sudden urge to cry. come on, you couldn't be so selfish, you were getting married with another man, you broke up five years ago, why were you so upset?. it's not that you dreamed about him at least twice a week, or that you heard his voice clear as water even when you hadn't spoke in so long. you love inasa, stop having those thoughts. you decided with whom you'd be spending your life with years ago, it was about time todoroki moved on too.

"...and i didn't know what to say, but he was so persistent. anyways, i told him we were going to discuss it, what do you think?" your fiance's hand was moving in front of your eyes, trying to catch your attention back.

"can you repeat it, please? i-i got distracted" he smiled at you, kindly. he always did that. no matter what you did, inasa was the kindest person to you, because he genuinely loved you.

"one of my advisors gave me a list with all the pro heros we had to invite to the wedding, i told him we'll talk about it" he pulled out a paper from his briefcase with a lot of names printed on it "give it a look while i take a shower" he got up, kissing your head on his way to the bathroom. most of the names were your old classmates from u.a. and shiketsu, some of your teachers and heroes of the moment.

ground zero, red riot, creati, charge bolt, shoto, cellophane, deku, froppy[...].

you stared at his name for longer than you thought, because inasa came out of the bathroom only with a towel, asking your opinion on the matter. he knew you dated todoroki back in highschool, but obviously didn't think you had feelings for him now. because you didn't. you didn't, you couldn't.

"yeah, okay, let's invite them".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

todoroki's jaw almost hit the floor when the invitation arrived at his mailbox. his girlfriend, a model he met at an event, laughed at his reaction. were you actually asking him to go to your wedding? it seemed like a cruel joke to him. the cruelest of jokes.

"isn't she one of your classmates from u.a., baby?" his girlfriend asked, taking the paper out of his hands. he never talked about you, with anyone, not even with midoriya. your chapter had been closed by force, locking all your memories away. but that lock was always on the verge of breaking, something as small as saying your name could unleash his buried feelings.

he was so confused. his irrational side was screaming to accept the invitation, eager to face you again. but he knew it would hurt him. he knew it, if he thought about it enough, he still remembered how his heart break years ago. his mind kept wondering back to you, how beautiful you would look in your white dress, your eyes filled with excitement. it was too much for him to handle.

"yes, i will let them know we're going".

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

somewhere in yourself, you wished todoroki hadn't replied. in that same place, it hurt to see the "plus one" option marked. right, he had a girlfriend. a girlfriend he most likely cherished, in some level at least. it was okay, you had a boyfriend, a boyfriend you were going to marry in two months. both of you had moved on. maybe repeating that to yourself would convince you.

*.✧☆ﾟ.*･｡✧*⊰⊹ฺ

he got up that morning and went for a jog, like when he was a teenager trying to get off his mind the girl who broke his heart. we could say he was trying to do the same thing.

the only reason you got up in time was because uraraka knocked on your door. inasa had gone to a friend's house at night, arguing he wasn't going to see the bride before the wedding. if it was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, then what is that pain in your chest?.

"you have to hurry, the ceremony starts at four,  we're meeting midoriya at three and you haven't even showered!" todoroki practically was forced into the shower by the girl, he had no will to get himself ready. what was he thinking? he clearly loved you, as much as always, why did he agree to see you marrying someone else?.

everything was ready, just as planned. like in the movies, you were expecting some sort of crisis to happen and could cancel the wedding with an excuse, but it wasn't the case. things were perfect. your hair, your dress, your make up, even the guests arrived just on time. you felt like puking.

not a single thing was out of place, that was certainly planned by you. he could see your unique touch in decorations, colors, even how tables were distributed. and he could point at everything yoarashi had done, because it didn't match at all. it was like a stain in your perfect design, a stain he couldn't remove or avoid anywhere he looked.

uraraka had to grab your arm when the music started to play, and push you out to the aisle. inasa was waiting on the other side. he looked so beautiful and happy, his eyes overflowed with love. but your eyes got lost in the crowd, searching for a certain pair of heterochromatic eyes.

you were like an angel fell from heaven. todoroki expected you to look pretty, but it was mind blowing. he was standing next to a pillar in order to get a perfect view from you. he felt his legs weakened when your eyes connected.

"do you, yoarashi inasa, take this woman to be your wife, to have and to hold[...]?" you couldn't see todoroki from the altar, and it was unbearable. all you wanted was to look back into his eyes again.

"yes, i do" inasa's voice was so determined, that you realized what was happening. before you knew, the priest was saying your vows.

he couldn't watch. he tried, but just couldn't. when he said the priest saying your name, he had to turned around.

you were sure that with one look, you'd knew if shoto still loved you. that was all you needed to go back to him, to see his eyes.

"[...] till death do you apart?" it was now or never. you turned your head, heart beating like a drum. please, please, love me.

oh how much he loved you. as you once said, his undying love for you was so big, that's tearing him apart. a single tear left his eye.

he wasn't even looking. he didn't love you anymore. a lonely tear ran down your cheek. you were too late, you had lost him. "yes, i do".

he had lost you, again. 

[seonghwa-is-babie]

Protective pup

Y/n And yunho haven't gotten the best response to coming out, getting a lot of hate from antis, unfortunately, y/n got a bit more than just online hate, all because he looked too scary and intimidating with his height and tattoos

Yunho x male reader

Warning: slight angst (cursing, bruises, crying)

Note: sorry if this made u cry ;-;, and that the ending's a bit awkward

Today was a wreck for y/n, ever since he and his boyfriend, Yunho came out as a couple, he's been getting a lot of hate from both fans and non-fans. y/n tried to stay strong in front of him, but in reality he didn't know how much hate he could handle anymore, since it was escalating to physical harassment

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home with bruises, but he did his best to hide them from yunho, he was already stressed with their comeback being right around the corner

Today was another one of those days where he got beat up for being in a relationship with their 'oppar'

🐶

Once he got home he expected to be welcomed by his boyfriend, Yunho, with open arms, but he wasn't home at the moment, so y/n decided to text him

________________________________________

you: baby why aren't you home? I thought you were done by now?

Yunho🐶❤️: They're making us practise a bit longer for our comeback

you: When are you coming home then? I miss you...

Yunho🐶❤️: We're almost done, don't worry :)

Yunho🐶❤️: love you😘😘❤️

_______________________________________

Deciding he had enough time left to hopefully cover up the wounds, he went to the bathroom to get some bandages for the cuts, and foundations for the bruises

🐶

After bandaging up his arms and putting on a decent amount of makeup to cover up the bruises

He turned off his phone, hoping to not see anymore notifications from comments under anything he posts "maybe he is better off without me, or he can find someone else who's so much better than me, who isn't hated" as he started to think, he couldn't help but cry from it, falling asleep after the crying had tired him out.

At practice🐶

"alright from the top guys, five six seven eight" they went over their choreography once again "yunho your footing's wrong, you're supposed to go like this" the instructor demonstrated "sorry sir, I won't do it again" they repeated it, only for him to do another part wrong, repeating this problem until the members decided to address it

"yunho, you've been a bit out of rhythm since our break, is everything okay?" seonghwa asked concerned "I don't know hyung, maybe cause of..."

San looked at him confused "cause of what, Yunho?" he looked down "y/n sent a text asking why I wasn't at home and after I explained why, I don't know why, but his reply seemed so sad, he didn't even say I love you back, and I think I know why" the older didn't fully understand

"well, why do you think he's sad?" yunho looked down "I think it might be because of the hate we've been getting for coming out, I've deleted all social media of off my phone, but I don't know if he did it as well."

"yunho, maybe you should go home to check on him" Hongjoong said, concerned for the yunho's boyfriend, he knew him quite well and knew that despite his intimidating exterior, he was a gentle soul "but what about practice?"

wooyoung pushed him towards the door "that's not important right now, what is, is that you go home and check up on your boyfriend"

🐶

"I'm home" yunho said, expecting a hug and a kiss from his boyfriend, but all he saw was an empty living room, like he had feared "maybe he went to bed already? That's strange, normally he waits for me to get back" he went up the stairs to their shared bedroom, hoping to find the other there

To his surprise, he did, though he was already asleep, so he tried his best not to wake his lover up, sadly he did wake up because y/n was a pretty light sleeper

"Yunho?" he turned around to face his lover, he smiled "hey, I'm home, I missed you" he went closer to his lover, only then noticing the tear stains and the slightly red eyes "why did you cry? Did something happen?" he hoped to deer God that it wasn't the hate, but just a bad day at work

"i'm fine, don't worry about it" he tried grabbing yunho's arm to stop him from further inspecting his body, but that backfired as the sleeve came up and exposed the bandages, which yunho obviously saw

"oh my gosh! What did you do? Did someone hurt you?" tears started to slip from y/n's eyes and he turned over to his back "babe please, I'm worried about you" y/n turned back to yunho, the years exposing his makeup "hold on one minute, please"

He came back with a a few makeup wipes "may I?" y/n decided to no longer hide what people were doing to him and nodded. As yunho started gently wiping off the makeup, his face contorted into one of shock "how'd that happen, honey?"

"....Your fans, they've been harassing me on and off social media, on it, they always say I don't D-deserve you, that I-I'm a heartless ass hole who doesn't know how to properly care for you. But off...... Yunho.... I'm not sure if you know how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I've tried to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can take it"

at this point he was sobbing, something Yunho had never seen before. He sat next to his slightly taller boyfriend and rubbed the others back "I-I didn't know it go that bad..... I didn't think they would go that far. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you sooner" both began to cry in each others arms

🐶

"I promise you I will do something about this, I hate to see you go through so much pain" yunho said, sitting in y/n's lap "maybe we could do something together?" the younger nodded, before getting up from the older's lap and grabbing his phone, texting someone "who're you texting?" yunho made room for y/n to look over his shoulder

"just my manager to ask him if I can do a V-live to address what's going on" the older tensed up "are you sure that's a good idea?" the younger nodded "we don't have to if you don't feel comfortable with it" y/n thought about it

"I don't want you to do this alone, but I don't know if I can face the camera right now" Yunho tried to think of something they could do "how about...... You lay your head on my lap facing away from the camera, that way, you'll still be there with me, but don't have to see any negative comments" y/n nodded

🐶

Yunho got his phone positioned where they could see both him and y/n and waited until enough people joined in "hey guys.... This isn't going to be a happy vlive today, instead I want to address something that's been a problem lately" he could already see some hate comments on screen "ever since I came out with my boyfriend, we've been getting a lot of hate, me getting only a bit of what y/n has been going through, I normally trust you guys and love you all, but harassing y/n for being together with me is just wrong"

"but oppar he isn't right for uuuu"

"we love a protective bf, preach🏳️‍🌈"

"not our fault you're both filthy homosexuals😒"

"hope u guys still know there's fans out there who support you two, we love you💙💙💙"

"but he doesn't treat u right unlike I would"

"for the people who think y/n doesn't treat me right because of how he looks, he's the sweetest guy I could've asked for, he knows what I like and dislike, how to cheer me up. Why can't you guys see that, is all you guys see a tall scary man with tattoos, or the sweet, loving person laying beside me"

y/n started to cry again and buried his face into yunho's thighs, Yunho brought him up to comfort him, y/n still facing away from the camera "it's okay, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna sort this out alright?" the youngest went to wipe his tears, the older leaning into those touches from him

"guys, you should stop... Look how much we're hurting him and y/n"

"oppar he'll just use you"

"look at how much they care about each other, how could you hate them?🥺🥺🥺🥺"

"guys please, I can't stand seeing him this unhappy and sad, seeing him with so many bruises and cuts, and him not even being able to face the camera because of you guys. This has to stop, or we will have to take drastic measures in order to keep ourselves save" y/n looked at his boyfriend, a bit scared but also relieved that this might just be a solution to their problem

"yunho, are you sure this is what we should do?" he asked, still unsure of what to do "I know many fans probably won't like it, but this is what I have to do if I want to keep you and myself safe" he took in a deep breath before looking back towards his phone "we will be deleting our social media from our phones, and if we catch any of you harassing me or y/n, you will be blacklisted and will get a restraining order from us" he ended the live

🐶

"are you okay baby?" y/n asked yunho  "no, I just-" he began to cry "I just can't believe that they would do so many awful things just because we're together" the older pulled him closer "I guess that's the harsh reality of idol life, because of the way you're supposed to act towards fans, it gives them a false sense of hope. I wish things were different, but sadly we can't change it, not in one day that is. This stuff is going to take time for people to accept, but i'm sure that when some more time has passed, people will accept it, as there will be more like us in the future"

"how can you be so sure of it? Maybe people will start to resent it even more" he looked up at y/n "I don't know what the future holds, but I do know we can influence it, you're a role model for people, if they see from you that it's okay, I'm sure many people will follow"

they stayed in each other's arms, eventually falling asleep, but not before saying one last thing to each other "I love you yunho, with all my heart, and I hope our country will allow us to be together till the end" yunho snuggled closer to y/n "you mean like getting married and stuff? I'd love to get married to you, and I hope we can in the future too"

They shared a quick peck before cuddling up once more and going to sleep for the night

[misshollander1]

Gif credit to @parkery

Contains; small drabble of an 18 year old somehow catching Tom's eye and the thoughts he faces of finding her intruiging.

I never thought I would be in the acting scene. Especially since I hated being the center of attention. But something about being in front of a camera and playing a character made me feel somewhat safe.

I was able to be someone I always wanted to be and portray them in a way only I could and have people relate.

That's how it started at first. I acted in a few commercials and starred in the background during my years attending University, the small money I made being put away in order to help pay my tuition.

Next thing I knew, I had people asking who I was and if I had any social media. I was contacted by a previous person I worked with, them telling me their manager would like to work with me. I was quite young and my parents denied but I told them that if I could help make money in any way, I would take it.

So I took the job. Granted everything started off slow again, me being in the background and having small roles. It soon led to me being a supporting role and eventually, landing a role in the new Spiderman movie.

I was now eighteen years, four years younger than the male lead Tom Holland. I wasn't playing a love interest despite a few people I knew wanting one for his character.

I couldn't deny the role because, not going to lie, he is quite attractive and a total dork. But, I've always loved superheroes and it was a dream to star in one in any way I could.

I admit I was nervous, seeing as Tom's character Peter and I had quite a few scenes together and there was suppose to be some sort of interest towards one another to create some tension for the audience.

It didn't take a lot besides the director having us spend some time together to maintain a friendship so it was more believable on screen.

So here I am, an eighteen year old sitting across from Tom Holland himself and having a small lunch, each of us having prepared questions to ask one another.

"So, how long have you been attending University? How is it?" He asked, handing me a napkin.

"Thank you and uh, it's my first year. But since I got some financial aid to help me attend, I have to pay back a loan I borrowed. So far it's okay. I wish someone told me about time management because my first semester was completely horrid." I chuckled, opening the chopsticks nearby and stopping mid dip to choose a fork.

"You don't know how to use chopsticks?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I've spent hours practicing but I guess my fingers aren't meant to hold them." I sighed, twirling the noodles around my fork and stuffing it into my mouth. "Anyways, how is it being Peter? I know you get asked a lot but it's what I could come up with."

"Don't worry about it, darling. And I enjoy it. Like I've said in many interviews, I've always had a liking to Spiderman so being able to portray him makes it a dream come true." He laughs lightly

"Despite looking like a 12 year old?" I teased, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"Do people really say that? First they say I have a frog in my mouth and how I can't pronounce croissant. Now this?" He laughs a bit once more, his voice making me feel warm.

I won't lie and say I didn't have a crush on Tom. He is an amazing actor but the way he's such a dork and a goofball made me admire him and like him. I just wish he didn't call me darling because sWeEt JeSus that was attractive.

"So, besides that, is there a reason you chose acting? Is that something you're studying?" He asked, stuffing his face with the Chinese food we ordered.

"Not really. I'm majoring in psychology and thought about minoring in dance but there aren't many dance minors. I opted out for possibly minoring in English but it's not a for sure thing. But, I never acted in my life and the opportunity was given to me so I tried it."

"What do you like about it?"

"I guess being someone you're not. I understand a lot of actors contribute a bit of themselves into the roles they play but for me, I guess it's a confidence boost type of thing." I said, grabbing my water and taking a sip.

"Confidence? Explain." He asked, a small smile on his lips.

"I uh, I'm not that confident in who I am. I hate my body and who I am as a person. I'm high key a pessimist but choose to hide it and I am very easily manipulated. I guess being sexualized at a young age and being harrassed for four years made me feel even morr less of myself. So being able to play a character where I can include those struggles makes me feel like I'm not so alone. I hope that makes sense?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows and looking at him.

"Well, I can truly say you are a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying it. Everyone is beautiful in their own moments and from the moments I've seen you on camera, I can tell you radiate a light. I do see something in your eyes I haven't seen but that's what I find interesting about you. You were willing to be vulnerable to me and let me know how you feel in complete honesty, yet you hold something in those eyes of yours. They're beautiful if I may say once again despite them being the same color as mine but you get what I mean?" He said, clearing his throat and reaching for his own water.

I gave him a shy smile and nodded, the words he spoke making me happy. I have had people conpliment me and try to make me feel better about myself but the way he put things made me believe it the most.

"Aside from all...whatever this is," I smiled, reaching for a spring roll, "what is something you would want our characters to do? I've read the script and we seem to be doing these crazy things like a science experiment going wrong and it exploding in our faces, coating them in blue dust."

"I want us to do something in the rain. I could walk you home along with Ned and I guess all three of us have a heart to heart. Kind of like we did here." He smiles, looking at me and then avoiding his gaze.

"I think that would be nice. I could push you into a puddle and run away." I said smiling.

"I would tackle you then and there don't test me." He teases.

"Try me Holland."

Eventually, Tom and I got closer working on screen. I was only able to shoot during certain times due to my classes but I always made up for it, working on late work or doing homework during my lunch time or any free chances I got.

The other cast members would check in on me and bring me some snacks to keep me motivated and focused so I wouldn't be too stressed.

But there was one day where I was not understanding what was being said and it frustrated me to the point I slammed the book and cried into my hands, the stress overwhelming me.

I didn't hear the knock or the door being opened to my small portable but I did hear the swish of plastic bags.

I looked up and was face to face with Harrison, one of Tom's best mate.

"I'm sorry to disturb you. Tom told me to bring you some lunch but I guess I'll leave you be." He spoke, clearly embarrassed.

"Nono. Don't worry about it Harrison. I was just taking a small break from my work seeing as I couldn't understand it." I sniffled, wiping my nose and eyes.

"Maybe I can help? What is it?" He asked, setting the bag down near my books and taking a seat near me.

"It's physics." I sighed and he made a face.

"Why would you hurt your brain like that?" He asked, making me laugh.

"I thought it would be easy. It somewhat is but this topic is hard and I'm not understanding. I guess I'll email my professor for some more help if needed." I sighed, rubbing my face.

"Alright. I'm sorry I couldn't be much of help. But Tom made sure he got you your favorite, Chinese." He smiled, reaching for the bag and unboxing the takeout.

"That's really sweet of him. You guys didn't have to do that." I said, setting the box on my lap.

"Well he wouldn't shut up about it. He kept interrupting and asking if you had eaten and it took Zendaya to say she took you some breakfast and that was it." Harrison spoke.

"Mm well... When you go back to him. Tell him I appreciate his kindness. Also, thank you for delivering it. I haven't seen you around much as usual." I sighed, rubbing my left eye from any tears.

"Yeah. I've been running some errands of my own, listening to Tom gush on and on-"

My phone rang and I gave Harrison an apologetic smile, answering it.

"Hi Tom. No, I got the takeout. I appreciate it. Yeah no, he's here." He continued to speak until asking for Harrison, me looking and handing him my phone. "It's for you."

Harrison took it and spoke to Tom, casting glances my way every few seconds.

I set my takeout onto the side and regrabbed my Physics book, Harrison putting his hand out and stopping me before ending the call and handing my phone back.

"A scene with you, Ned and Peter is being shot soon so you're going to need to get ready." Harrison told me. I nodded and thanked him once more, waving goodbye as he left.

"Are you serious?" I asked, seeing the set design.

"Yeah! I talked Jacob into helping me get this scene and our director liked the idea enough to have us shoot it. He called for improvisation to see how it looks." Tom said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and smiling at me.

"This is so cool what the fuck." I said, earning a laugh from Tom.

We shot the scene and did as much improv as we could, Tom keeping his word and tackling me in the rain when I pushed him into a puddle and splashed Jacob, a huge 'come on!' escaping his lips.

"Cut! Great scene. Let's try it one more time and great job tackling her Tom. Make sure not to bruise her! And Jacob, great reaction!"

Jacob shook his head and laughed, handing me a towel to dry my hair off.

"I'm going to need a blowdryer or something." I sighed, the towel being worked on my hair.

"Why's that?" Jacob asked.

"It begins to curl. Like how it is now." I said, holding up a loose curl.

"I think it looks pretty." Tom spoke, ruffling the towel over his own curls.

"Thank you." I said, earning a wink from him and an eye roll from Jacob.

Filming was coming to an end and my screentime was becoming less and less which meant I was hardly on set.

But that didn't stop Tom from messaging me during his breaks to see if I wanted to get lunch or hang out with him and the cast.

I was walking to the lounge on set after one of my classes when I overheard my name being spoken.

I furrowed my eyebrows and listened, hearing Tom and Jacob speaking.

"She's eighteen isn't she?" Jacob spoke.

"She is. But I don't see that as a problem." Tom answered.

"What about the backlash? She's four years younger than you and people will find it weird."

"Oh please. There are women and men dating others more than half their age. Something about her intruiges me. I-I enjoy being around her. I can't explain the feeling being around her." He sighed.

"It's obvious you like her. We've all discussed it and even our director knows. Why else would he approve of that rain scene knowing it might not make the cut? He wanted to see the chemistry behind you both." Jacob explained.

"I do adore her and something about her is just ugh. I don't want to creep her out and feel like I'm preying on her. I'm not. I do like her Jacob." He admitted, silence following a bit after.

I was obviously shocked to hear the news because one, Tom Holland said he liked me,two, he said he liked me and three, he said he liked me.

But I knew where he was coming from. People would be quick to think he was being a creep and his fans would be hurt they weren't the ones catching his eye.

But I also wasn't so sure how I would be as a girlfriend. I have never dated and felt that if things wouldn't work out, I would be the reason why.

I don't know how to love myself and I feel like my anxieties and insecurities would get in the way after a while of hiding them so much.

I shook my head continued quickly to my destination, hoping they never saw me and knew I was listening in.

I eventually reached the limit and had to stop here! The rest is in my drafts so let me know if you would like a part two!

[kdollmarie23]

Haven't done one of these in awhile

This could be fun or extremely sad 1: Name• keisha 2: Age • twenty freaking six 3: 3 Fears • spiders, car accident, heights 4: 3 things I love• animals, cosmetology, singing 5: 4 turns on• tattoos, androgyny, intelligence, manners, thighs. 6: 4 turns off• drugs, no sense of direction, mean, 7: My best friend• my cat and dog lol…. wow that sounds lame. 8: Sexual orientation• bisexual 9: My best first date• I’ll never tell 😽 10: How tall am I • 5'3" 11: What do I miss• free health insurance 12: What time was I born • midnight 13: Favorite color• green 14: Do I have a crush• yea 15: Favorite quote• idk 16: Favorite place• anywhere near the ocean 17: Favorite food• Thai 18: Do I use sarcasm• pretty much everything I say is sarcastic 19: What am I listening to right now• some weird ass movie on the tv. 20: First thing I notice in new person• their hair, what they’re wearing, and their smile. 21: Shoe size• 7 ½-8 22: Eye color• hazel brown/green lol 23: Hair color• right now it’s cool copper/ brown 24: Favorite style of clothing• feminine polished grunge 25: Ever done a prank call? Not since 8th grade 27: Meaning behind my URL• at one point I was loveable, and I also loved cupcakes 28: Favorite movie• dirty love and beaches 29: Favorite song• you’re not alone by Saosin 30: Favorite band• the used and knuckle puck 31: How I feel right now• mehhh 32: Someone I love• my girlfriend 33: My current relationship status• in a relationship 34: My relationship with my parents• complicated 35: Favorite holiday• Halloween 36: Tattoos and piercing i have• 7 tattoos, ear piercing and Monroe 37: Tattoos and piercing i want• nipples and lighthouse haha 38: The reason I joined Tumblr• to keep in touch Jainna, and find cool pictures for my myspace that no one else had back in middle school 😹 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I don’t hate her. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Yea, my gf gets up way earlier than me and texts me “good morning” around the time I wake up. Haha it’s cute. 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? That would be my boss, and heck no. 42: When did I last hold hands? I few minutes ago ❤ 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? It feels like it takes for freaking ever, I need a good 2-3 hours or else I look like a monster. 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Surprisingly yes! Although I wish I hadn’t because it’s fucking cold out. 45: Where am I right now? In my living room. 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? I would be home and in bed If that were the case. I don’t trust anyone lol 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Neither since I was 15. 49: Am I excited for anything? I’m excited for the two news jobs I just started. I am now a freaking talent director for a modelingagency lol and back to doing hair! 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? No 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Pretty much every day if I’m working hahaha 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? Today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I unfortunately wouldn’t be shocked at this point. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Yes 55: What is something I disliked about today? I had a good day today. 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Uhmm… I’d like to meet a pleiadian in human form, if they don’t exist, then I’d like to meet Britney Spears lol 57: What do I think about most? Lately my career path, family, and making my relationship work. 58: What’s my strangest talent? I can sing and do the splits! Hahaha is that strange enough? 59: Do I have any strange phobias? Fucking spiders…. ugh…. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Both 61: What was the last lie I told? I have no idea, prolly that I wasn’t hungry or some shit lol 62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Video chatting is becoming a lot more fun, but phone if my hair isn’t done. 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Ghosts idk, aliens yes 64: Do I believe in magic? What kind? 65: Do I believe in luck? Idk I just broke a mirror so….. 66: What’s the weather like right now? Cold as fuck in march 67: What was the last book I’ve read? #GIRLBOSS 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Not really 69: Do I have any nicknames? Kiwi 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I have never really been injured by anything…. oh, actually, Dorothy from my 5th class kicked me in the shin while playing soccer in gym class and that felt awful…. like thinking back I can still feel it. Ouch. 71: Do I spend money or save it? I freaking LOVE spending money, but I know I need to save it because I’m an adult and I need to be responsible. 72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Just tried, nope. 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? Oh yea 74: Favorite animal? Cats 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Going over notes for my new job 76: What do I think Satan’s last name is? Uhm idk 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I believe by nicko vega 78: How can you win my heart? I don’t have one anymore 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I don’t know, always laugh or some shit 80: What is my favorite word? Namaste 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? There is more to Tumblr than just my page and my newsfeed???!! Lol 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Everyone should stop eating like shit because processed foods cause cancer and you need more veggies so go try some! 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Idk 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Wow what timing, I would be able to go invisible 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? If I was attracted to them lol 86: What is my current desktop picture? My pets 87: Had sex? Well of course 88: Bought condoms? Yea, practicing safe sex is important. 89: Gotten pregnant? No 90: Failed a class? College class 91: Kissed a boy? Yeah 92: Kissed a girl? Yes yes yes, finally 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Ya❤❤❤ 94: Had job? Yep 95: Left the house without my wallet? Prolly 96: Bullied someone on the internet? Lol yes 😞 sorry bout that 97: Had sex in public? Haha yea 98: Played on a sports team? Yes I was terrible 99: Smoked weed? Yea 100: Did drugs? No 101: Smoked cigarettes? Yes, I just quit yesterday 102: Drank alcohol? Yes 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Multiple times, I love steak and burgers too much 104: Been overweight? I think I am now 105: Been underweight? Nope, I wish 106: Been to a wedding? Yes, I love weddings 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Today 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes 109: Been outside my home country?Do the Bahamas count? 110: Gotten my heart broken? Unfortunately so 111: Been to a professional sports game?Like a legit football and hockey game, yes 112: Broken a bone? No 113: Cut myself?Ya 114: Been to prom? I actually went to 4 proms, 3 with the same guy and my senior prom with someone else 😸 I love dressing up. 115: Been in airplane?Yaaaaasssss 116: Fly by helicopter?No, but I've had sex in one .... secret never have I ever question! 117: What concerts have I been to?Omg sooo many! I love concerts 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Oh yea 119: Learned another language?In the process 120: Wore make up?Everyday 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? 16 lol 122: Had oral sex? I mean yea 123: Dyed my hair?Si 124: Voted in a presidential election?I did! I voted for Gary Johnson because there is no way in hell I was voting for Trump or Hillary 125: Rode in an ambulance?When I was six 126: Had a surgery?Tonsils removed 127: Met someone famous?Some band members and Delilah in NYC!!!! 128: Stalked someone on a social network?My secret crush 129: Peed outside?Only when I was camping or wasted 130: Been fishing? Yea, i suck at this, and deep sea fishing almost killed me.... I just like to lay out and tan and enjoy the scenery 131: Helped with charity?Yes, cuts for a cause and habitat for humanity 132: Been rejected by a crush? Yea, maybe I'm a weirdo, but now I have a gf so who cares 133: Broken a mirror? Yea I literally just broke one this week, and my week has been going great since, not gonna lie! 134: What do I want for birthday? A new car

[stilesitilinsk-blog1]

Crying!Adam Comforting!Blake - Shevine

Summery: When the interviewer starts questioning about him being a womaniser he just shrugs. But then everyone starts to believe it. Everything goes downhill from there...

-

Adam was standing on a red carpet when it all begun. It was a normal day for him really and everything was going well, the interviewers had great attitudes and everyone was friendly and caring – But he hadn't known he was hanging out with a lot more girls than guys. Although, he was a closeted gay man everyone still thought he was connected to woman in a weird way. Now here he was, standing with a woman who would tell him the worst question and ruin his whole career.

“Hello Adam,” She said casually as if nothing bad was going to happen and what she didn't know was it was going to affect him THAT badly.

“Hi,” he muttered back.

“So, I've heard your the womaniser in your band or you just are a womaniser overall.. Can we confirm this as true?”

Adam stopped the tracks in his brain and looked at the woman with a full hatred before shrugging and walking away from her. He never gave an answer so they shouldn't properly put it on the News. He just wished everyone was still shipping shevine. He only loved him.

The next day he came up to a Twitter to post about his new Album that was upcoming. But when he did the comments were just about him and... the last interview he had? Sniffling as tears began slowly filling his eyes he wiped them as he read them, coming to terms that nobody would ever like him again.

'knew he was like this anyway'

'such a loserrrrr'

'womaniser i hate u'

'rlly? wht type of human r u?'

'die'

'nobody loves you'

'slut'

'whore'

'idiot'

'gross'

'kill yourself'

'quit Maroon 5'

'you don't deserve anything! DIE!'

Adam was now crying. Silent sobs escaping his mouth and the tears rolling down his cheeks as he watched Twitter blow up with more hate comments, one after one they all came and went with more to come afterwards and he couldn't believe it. How could one interview change his whole life – Funny, cheeky and carefree, ADHD Adam to Sad, lonely and wanting to die in the moment Adam.

Then what he received next was the worst part. All of his bandmates and manager was forcing him to ... to quit the band. As he sobs began to become un-silent. He remembered why this was happening to him. The media.

Bandmate 1- 'adam u know .. just quit the band as soon as possible .. k, thnx'

Bandmate 2- 'bye to the band'

Bandmate 3- 'cant believe u are using woman man ... didn't even deny it .'

Bandmate 4- 'get out and don't return.'

Bandmate 5- 'better off without you in this band tbh.'

Bandmate 6- 'maroon 5 will be good now haha'

Bandmate 7- 'really dude? Wow..'

Manager - 'you're out'

Adam crawled away from his phone as if it was a monster and dropped onto the floor. He only managed to get under the table when he bursted out in full sobs. He again just reached out for his phone when it binged hoping it to be anyone but The Media. Except it was.

Newspaper - 'Adam Levine Using WOMAN?'

The Sun - 'Adam Levine A Womaniser?'

Daily Mail - 'Adam Levine Doesn't Deny Rumours Being A Womaniser'

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

Adam Levine.

He watched as all these newspapers and comments and much heart filled paragraphs were full of why he was that womaniser. He was never. The only woman he had married and divorced was Behati. And yes, maybe he did hang out with more woman this year but it was as a friend. He couldn't date that MANY.

Soon enough, the tears were endless and no matter how many times he tried to get them away they kept coming. This time his phone binged and binged and he saw his friends and boyfriend from The Voice messaging him desperately.

Shakira - 'omg adam don't look at Twitter please'

Usher - 'man you probably looked at Twitter need to talk 'bout it ?'

Pharrell Williams - 'i am so sorry'

Christina Aguilera - 'are you okay?'

CeeLo Green - 'do you want to talk about anything honestly?'

Gwen Stefani - 'please talk to us. we don't if you're dealing with this or struggling. At least talk to Blake. He's freaking the hell out over here at work, he had to cancel practice with his team.'

Miley Cyrus - 'look, I don't know what the hell is happening on Twitter currently but you need to tell us or anyone. I haven't been on yet so... come to the voice and we'll discuss and make it pass over?'

Alicia Keys - 'gosh. I hate some twitter people. Not you.'

Blake Shelton - 'Adam, I heard what happened and the whole of social media is blowing up. I'm coming over pretty soon.'

Blake Shelton - 'just to talk to me dude, what the heck happened? I just wanna help'

Adam Levine - 'come quick'

That was the only reply he sent to Blake and his breathing was getting slower and slower till he felt like he was dying.

BING.

Blake Shelton - 'ok dude coming'

-

Blake was on a rush. He didn't know what was happening but that 'come quick' text sent him into a terrifying frenzy. His car battled through other cars and he was glad LA was a bit more relaxed than usual. He reached Adams house and knocked on the door. He mentally slapped himself for doing that and just walked in. He saw his boyfriend immediately under the table with his phone smashed. He walked over to him and pulled him into a hug, placing him onto who his lap. Hearing Adam crying was the most heartbreaking thing in the world.

“Adam, Adam, look at me.” Blake told him firmly and when he didn't he lifted his chin and saw his eyes were red, puffy and tears were gradually building up again and so he wiped them away. “What happened?”

“I-I-I d-don't know! I- I thought it would be easier to not say anything, just ignore it... l-look w-w-where that g-got me.” He chuckled bitterly.

“Okay, but this isn't your fault. What did they tell you?” Blake asked while wrapped his arms around Adams waist so he could comfort him more.

“T-told me I s-should die and-and that I-I-I am a s-s-slut and whore, but I'm not.. I promise. They were friends.. oh god, what will my parents think?”

Just as he had weakly said those words two more bings sounded on his phone and he read them, soon a gentle smile formed on his face.

Mum - 'Blake told me what happened, dear. Hate the media but you'll always be my star x'

Dad - 'Son, I will make these people pay. Rise up again'

Blake looked at the phone and smiled and then up at Adam who hugged him as tightly as he could.

-

The next day they were going to rumours and reports were being made.

News Channel - 'Interviewer sued and arrested for fake obligation towards lead singer Adam Levine.'

@adamlevine - 'Guys, they were my female friends. I am a gay man and proud.'

@blakeshelton - '@adamlevine and I'm loving you...'

Comments swirled in like crazy and apologies and big 'I'm so sorry's' were coming in and he couldn't feel happier. There was probably only one 'faggot' comment but it didn't matter. He had Blake. He didn't care.

They were OK.

[alifeenrouteblog]

Why I Haven't Been Writing Lately

First, the boring stuff. Since going full-time with my business, Tall Hair Creative, I’ve had less time. Yes, that’s a very boring reason. And it’s an even weaker excuse. But let’s just start here.

Exactly one year ago, I was one-month into my unemployment, just back from a trip to Europe, and had just received my first unemployment paycheck. That was the life. Around this time, I decided I would take as long as I needed to in order to recover from my 9-5 bullshit life. For the past four years, I had been told by bosses, but mostly coworkers, how I was not professional, I was abrasive, lacked interpersonal skills, and every time I might have hurt someone’s feelings. I had been changing for years, disguising it as professional growth. It wasn’t. I was manipulated.

My parents were understandably frustrated af when I told them I would not be diving into a job search. I didn’t want to rush into another terribly emotionally abusive job. Having done a fair amount of job searching in Cleveland, I already knew there wasn’t a lot of job opportunities. I knew there were even fewer prospects of finding an organization that I would actually like to work for and would truly accept my personality, work style, and the work I do here on this blog. Because I should also mention at this point, I had started my blog just a few months before I was given the axe; my writing on here until this point was, while still authentic and vulnerable, but pretty safe. I didn’t write about dating or sex. I definitely had not mentioned my family or past abuse. What started out as a HR consultant/executive coaching blog, quickly evolved into something much more ‘me’, unapologetically. This trajectory was happening before my unemployment, but I didn’t make the decision to fully dig into it until almost exactly a year ago.

So, to recap: May 2018, I found myself unemployed with a lot of free time, a newfound sense of peace, but also a desire to explore the demons that have been holding me back for decades. I spent my days reorganizing my apartment to something that I loved and truly worked for me, and I spent my evenings getting drunk on rose on my back patio or at the pizzeria attached to my place, furiously typing into the MacBook Air I just purchased weeks before with the entirety of my savings account. It wasn’t a savings account for purchasing a home, but more for travel and buying laptops when you get fired.

I would write for hours every night. I got into a rhythm. I started refining my writing and I felt like I was on to something. Then I started publishing my good shit. Then I started to get some really amazing feedback from readers. Mostly friends, but some strangers, either way – it was affirming. People were telling me how relatable my writing was. How they loved my openness. How my raw honesty spoke to them, made them feel less alone. And I was hooked.

I spent months doing this. Until I realized I had about 3 months left of unemployment cash coming in and I knew I had to come up with some plan to make money. This is the point when I started to conceptualize Tall Hair Creative. What I was thinking my business would look like at this point, was pretty different than what it is today. It’s gone through multiple iterations since August 2018. All of which I love. The most surprising has definitely been my selling my photography.

Another big thing I did when I lost my job was get a boudoir shoot. This was a big moment for me for a lot of reasons, which you can read about in this post. But I should mention here, that it was a turning point for me that I didn’t want to work anywhere that would disqualify me or judge me based on my sharing of these beautiful photos of myself. This photoshoot also sparked an interest in photography. Sometime in July of last year, I purchased a Canon Rebel, which if you don’t know is the cheapest DSLR camera you can get, and I started teaching myself photography. My original goal when purchasing the camera was to be able to capture pretty photos for my Instagram, in order to get more followers, and drive my traffic to my blog, which would obviously enable me to get a book deal in no time. It was all writing related. But I quickly learned that it was hard (impossible) to take photos of myself, especially if I didn’t know how to use the damn thing in the first place. In order to teach myself, I started offering free photoshoots on Instagram to anyone that would let me practice. This was one of my best decisions I ever made. I made a lot of cool friends this way and it turned out to be a great way for me to learn the art of photography. I distinctly remember texting Kate Kaput, while editing her photos and confused af, telling her that I had spent hours that day trying to learn how to edit photos, even though I needed to do other stuff, like look for a job. I followed that up with something like “That probably means I should be doing this for a living.” I was fucking right Anyway, all of that to say, I have been very surprised that my photography services were really the only thing that took off in Cleveland; and it changed the scope of my business quite a bit.

After blissful unemployment ended and my business (mainly, photography) was picking up, I stopped writing as much. Not only was it less time available, but it was less creative time and/or space in my head. I was putting all of my creativity into launching and marketing my business. To make matters ‘worse’, I was ghosted by someone I adored, and lost my interest in dating completely, which was fine, but made for less writing content. At that point, I had been really into writing about dating, and even became a top writer for Medium in the category of Love.

Suddenly, I was left with little time to write and no content to write about. And I’ve been riding that ever since. I’ve come up with a few things and I’ve reworked a few existing essays and put them up here, but as I’ve been saying for months now, I have not written anything I am especially proud of in SO LONG. Maybe six months. I’m not sure. This move didn’t help much either. It fucked up my writing and it fucked up my business. Moving to Denver, meant losing all my photography clients, i.e. the most profitable part of my business, but it also meant a total mindfuck. When I got the news from my best-friend-at-one-point/landlord, I was devastated. And when my mom said I could not move in with her, I was…I don’t even know what the word is. It’s something like almost being dead, but not quite dead, but kind of wish you were because it would be easier. Something so much deeper than depressed. I was depressed when Brian ended my lease/our friendship. But when my mom said I could not live with her, I felt my whole world end.

It wasn’t a surprise to any of my close friends that my mom said no. And they’ve all expressed, at least at one point, that they are glad I did not move in with my mom because they knew it wasn’t good for my mental health or our relationship. They’re not wrong. But that didn’t stop the life-crushing depression I experienced for two weeks after speaking with Brian and my mom. I couldn’t leave my bed. This has happened to me before, in rare instances of depression, but only for a day or two – MAX. Never have I experienced depression this bad for two weeks. I was tired all of the time. I slept a lot. Even when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my bed. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I was exhausted by the time I was walking back into my bed. When Erin invited me to live with her, it was a god-send, and amazing, but it didn’t really end my depression. The anxiety and trauma of trying to figure out where I would live was gone. But the loss of my relationships with my best friend and my mother remained very present in every breath I took.

Moving to Denver gave me something to reach for. I now had stuff to do for something that was happening. I worked on selling 90% of my belongings. I started texting my close friends what was happening and telling them about my move to Denver, letting them know before I announced anything on social media. My dear friend, Colleen, said something that really caught my breath at the moment and stayed with me, even now. When I told her what was happening and I was moving to Denver, she said, “Aww Steph! I wish you the best and am here for you if you need anything. The mountains are beautiful and I hope they bring you what you need.” I loved that she said ‘I hope the mountains bring what you need’. I’ve always been a big believer in the healing powers of water, specifically bodies of water, and to be honest, the lack of ocean or lakes in Denver made me nervous, but Colleen got me thinking about stuff differently. I started to get excited.

I had a plan, I was getting excited, and then I went to Japan, which only made me more excited to move to Denver. It just wasn’t good for writing. I did write about my travel experiences to Japan, here and here, and an essay about dating, and the trip did give me a lot of healing and clarifying, and opportunities to write, but when I got home I had to hit the ground running when it came to the cross-country move.

I was so overwhelmed and my depression started to kick in again. In one of my greatest moments of vulnerability, I asked my greatest friend, Brittany, to help me. But not just help me like a normal person. I asked her to come over and make a to-do list with me and then run errands with me. I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t handle everything I had to do, so I just didn’t do anything. Brittany didn’t even hesitate. Actually, she was really excited. When I told her exactly how I was feeling and exactly what I needed from her, her reply: “OMG YES! Can we make lists and cross stuff of as we do them?” I had never been so grateful to have such a nerd for my greatest friend. She came over, we did shit, and we started crossing stuff off the to do list. She came over a total of 9 times, in the two weeks between coming back from Japan and leaving for Denver. Sometimes just to literally sit in my passenger’s seat and drive with me do errands. It sounds simple, but I could not have done it without her. She also did really big stuff too. She packed boxes (and somehow tapped them perfectly). She dropped things off at MULTIPLE donation centers. She did so much. I will never be able to express my gratitude to her for everything she did for me during this time. Even before the moving stuff got rolling, when I was deep in my depression, she would check on me every day.

I have loved Brittany since the day I met at her; on her first day at work at Cleveland Metropolitan School District. She was so cute and polite. I was so jaded and broken by that point. Our first interaction: we were in an All Team meeting, someone (one of our terrible bosses) used a yellow dry erase marker on the whiteboard, it obviously didn’t show up and Brittany sweetly said, not quite to herself, but not to anyone specific, “Oh, I’ve never seen a yellow dry erase marker before.” No one else was listening to her, but I heard her and I snarkly responded with “There’s a lot of things here you’ve never seen before.” And she laughed, like a lot. A laugh that was real and told me we would be friends. At the very least work friends. Almost four years later, I can safely say she is my greatest friend. I tell her this often, either directly or in writing, that I’ve never met anyone like her. She is the kindest soul I’ve ever had the pleasure of interacting with. She is patient with me. She asks questions before judging. She always focuses on the positive. She has never told me I’ve done something wrong. It’s mind boggling to me, because we are so so different, but other than my brother, I’ve never felt closer to another soul. She is truly the greatest. I truly hope everyone has a Brittany in their life. If not, please go find someone. And a side note – check out her executive coaching business because she’s an extremely gifted coach, and she also just got a super amazing prestigious job that she 100000% deserves.

Ok, so this isn’t a love letter to Brittany. Although, I have been trying to write her a letter for over a month now, so maybe this is the start I needed. But to go back to where is started, it’s been hard to write lately, so even though I started writing Brittany a letter several times, I couldn’t ever get through the first few lines. And even though I have tried writing Brian a letter, and have a lot on paper, I can’t seem to get it right. And even though, I haven’t even started the painful process of writing a letter to my mother, letting her know how I feel, because that might literally end me at this point (not using literally figuratively), it’s still on my to-do list. But to recap: I don’t have the time, I don’t have the creative space in my brain, and too much is going on – that’s why I haven’t been writing.

I shouldn’t say, I haven’t been writing. I have been. I have written a lot in notebooks. I have a lot of shit typed into my phone’s Notes app. I have thousands of words of shit right here on this laptop. Because I never truly STOP writing. I’m always writing. Every single day I write something, whether it’s on my phone, laptop, notebook. Here is where I struggle lately: Among the reasons I just listed, I have been having a hard time writing/publishing my writing because I can’t seem to write something without feeling like I’m just complaining. Everything that’s been going on and everything I am feeling lately, I feel like the victim and everyone else looks like a villain, and that comes out in my writing. Much of my writing has been about how other people have been shitty to me; but it’s also how that made me feel, the shitty things I’ve done, and about how I’ve worked through that. I don’t feel any of that with the shit I’ve been going through as of late. At least not when I write it and read it back to myself. When I read it back to myself, it sounds like I’m complaining. A LOT. And for some readers, that’s what this whole blog might sound like to them. But to me, and avid readers, it’s not. It’s about how I’ve dealt with shit, worked through or am trying to work through some shit, and most importantly how this is all a part of the greater human experience. Much to the chagrin of my parents, my writing has never been about putting other people on blast. It’s really not. I don’t write shit with the sole purpose of embarrassing people. But I do not let the fact that a story might embarrass someone I love prevent me from telling that story. That’s not reason alone. And where I’m at right now, with my life and my writing, it’s just not enough. I don’t have a point of view. I don’t have a message. I don’t have much to say other than bash the people that have hurt me, even if that literally means just recapping events from my perspective. It’s not enough. So I’ve been withholding my writing. Until today, when I saw my Instagram traffic data and realized that my profile views have gone down a lot lately (because I haven’t been posting anything new on the blog or Instagram) and I felt inspired to explain why I haven’t been posting much the last six months, especially the last three.

Yes, I want to tell you more about how I am adjusting to Denver. How my call to my dad on his birthday in march went. And how his call on my 30th birthday went. About how I feel about my mother and I’s relationship. How frustrated I get with my Instagram growth. How I annoyed I am that for every 10 followers I get, I lose 7. How jealous I am of people who get 270 likes on a post, when I rarely get past 40. How anxious I feel about my finances and next steps and what my goals are now. And how every day I have at least one moment of screaming inside my head, “WTF DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO GIRLFRIEND!!!! YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME!” YES, I want to tell you all of that. But I can’t figure out how to tell you all of that without sounding like I’m complaining, or gossiping, or just throwing people that have hurt me under the bus. That’s not my goal here. Ultimately, this isn’t a diary, it’s a blog. My only goal for this platform, which I’ve said for the last year, is to let you know you’re not alone. I’m glad I could share this, while maybe it’s not exactly how I pictured it, it’s what I needed, and I hope to god at least one of you needed it to.

 You are loved,

Stephanie

[bukowski-s-the-dope]

Dear sunwoo chungalicious,

You left maybe it was like 15 minutes ago, my chest started to itched, and my subconscious tinkled and reality emulated what I was wishing on the low; "Message from Sunny" --iphone.

I was feeling just fine until the thoughts of not seeing you in weeks itched my sanity that have perhaps rested aside you.

i guess imagining a conversation with someone is partially like invisibly and prophetically say what you wanna say. I think writing brings out an alter-selves out of us.

I think i do this a lot; simulating. Simulating all the feeling that I might encounter when you're not here, all at once, makes me cry a little. But I guess that's why I'm so impatient all the time, instead of gradually feeling little by little I chose to let it hit me all at once, so I get over with it. But I think I tend to underestimate the intensity sometimes. But I think I'm used to it though. Somestimes I tend to decode everything, even things that don't have it; its not healthy, but that's how i know a lot of things sometimes. I think it stain from the believe of high virtues and maintaining high virtues; you wanna make sure it genuine and true.

I remember that moment when we kinda melt together, something clicks and I understands you just a little better after that, that cheery spark in your peeper, and that gradual stretch of your lip turning into that gentle beam you have. I remember every edges to everything. If I'm ever forgetful it's because I allow myself to, and I never forget the gravity of that. I'm corny, I know.

Cryer and tickler make great lover, yknow. Peppersmoooni and Arizona ice tea make great Sunday evening, and every other day after that. I hope they include those on the airplane meal, cause the trip can be tediously tiresome. I felt itches and sudden sentiment wave by wave, are you okay? it's probably just me. Watching and strolling these places, but i just wanna have your fingers wrap around my waist.

If heart is shield by frigid crystal, then you are the searing blood in the vein rushing toward it. I don't mind having those drops pampered my cheeks and peepers, it reminds me of seeing a raining day through the window. I like crying secretively.

Summer rain is my inspiration a lot of times, I noticed. The flow of brisk warmth and enlivening peddles, your love feels similarly to that.

I hope this all don't scare you too much. I wish I can convince you that melancholy isn't like its last 4 words, and that pensive sea of virtue is above ground among the rest of universe of sensations. Remember what I once told you what I've been searching for? yours make a stop on my search, as it too makes the bed for my buzzing head, and unshackle my incognito. A pseudo surface doesn't interest me, but I'm quite good at dancing with it, but I rather be soft with you my love. Us and our love might be misled by the shadow of a nomad from our past, but through our sensibilities, our love collide in that everlasting rhythm of bourn.

Speak until the dust

Settles in the same specific place, my love.

I hope this all don't push you away.

do you know how people fall in love? by finding familiarity along the chaos through every lapse of memories. Through our defenses, our love is misled by the shadow of a nomad from our past, but through our sensibilities, our love collide through everlasting rhythm of bourn.

Speak until the dust

Settles in the same specific place, my love.

I think i have a lot of thinkings that i haven't done in a while, feel like somehow it got pushed back ever since being with you, but it hit me now. I randomly just watched a facebook video about loneliness; some people are oblivious to their own social inability that can be seen through different interpretation of level of intimacy I think. But I also think in a way that's making loneliness a taboo, which is fundamentally the cause of the lethal part of loneliness. If people just as accept loneliness as the deal, then capitalism lose. The most alluring gimmick of capitalism is distraction/substitution. It's that constant thirst of renewal and sense of private ownership under a totally virtual-technological surveillance, makes us feel so hollow and drains our self-worth. Nowadays, capitalism isn't always like the old day capitalism, it's almost like a fusion of socialism of capitalism. Using the innate need and importance of collective consensus as a sense of social/psychological reward/target, yet at the same times obtaining the practice of private ownership and individual benefit as the core....ramble ramble

Perhaps forseeing New York symbolizes the polarity of chaos, that's why it's so magnetic you know? With you I forgot the deal with loneliness.

Sun:

Who isn't she:

[sarcemia]

if there's any crystals u haven't done yet, do them now (8

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally

Anything that has to do with his family (mother, not really his step-father, definitely his father because it’s a sore spot). Anything that causes unneeded stress, uncertainty and paranoia.

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernatural

He doesn’t believe supernatural creatures exist. They’re cool but not real to him.

agate: how my muse calms down

Fresh air and/or being alone.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly

A little bit of both but more so cowardly. He doesn’t like confrontation and he doesn’t like getting involved in things, and since he likes to avoid his problems… a lot more cowardly than brave.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themself

Low opinion. He doesn’t view himself highly whatsoever, because he feels like he lacks in too many areas. Even though he has many strength and he’s intelligent, 

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into

A dog. They’re so carefree and everyone loves them.

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is

Depends on the day, he’s not really lucky or unlucky. But if I had to choose, I’d say he has a lot of bad luck given his past and what he’s gone through.

angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issues

I don’t know if he really has one or not. He does believe people should be able to love who they want and be who they are most comfortable as, however he was raised on homosexuality being a sin so when it comes to himself, he thinks it’s wrong and he feels ashamed of himself for being attracted to both men and women.

apache tears: a sadness headcanon

He never shows it, or at least he tries not to. He doesn’t like to appear as though he’s weak and all his life, from the influence of his step-father, he saw showing emotions as a bad thing. His step-father didn’t even like it when his mother would show negative emotions like that and even Jiwon cried as a child he would be told to stop and to “man up”, though his mother did comfort him when they were alone. So he keeps everything to himself. Only cries in solitude but never a lot, he still holds back. 

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuition

He does things based on intuition. He always listens to his instincts in nearly all situations, something he found handy while in medical school. If something feels wrong, he won’t do it. If something feels right, he goes with it.

apophyllite: my muse’s religious/spiritual beliefs

Technically Christian but he doesn’t practice anymore and his beliefs are wavering greatly these days.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed

At home, alone and surrounded with nature, or under the sun, by the sea.

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)

Introverted tendencies. Prefers one-on-one conversations. But he can talk in front of several people/groups if need be. When it comes to friends he also prefers hanging out with them individually.

carnelian: an art-related headcanon

He appreciates art very much, but he has never tried his hand at it. He doesn’t think he would be any good, especially since the closest thing to “art” he’s done was coloring as a toddler, so he doesn’t bother with it. But that’s just it. He would rather look at it than create it.

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been

After he realized that he must have been the cause of the death in the hospital he was doing his residency. It was the only possibility and to this day he can’t live with himself because of it. He hates himself for leaving his future career behind. Leaving his family. Leaving the friends he made. Leaving his life. It broke him apart.

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships

It’s not a big deal to him. He has both broken up with someone and been broken up with, but he never made a big deal over it. He was sad for a few days, a week at most, but he moved on each time.

charoite: who my muse looks up to

Hardworking people who get far in their life. Many of his classmates during med school were some of the smartest people he’s ever met and he knows some of them went on to study in America to get their credentials and work there. Many of his professors throughout university too. Animals shelter owners that go out of there way to save every animals that they can and get them adopted.

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanon

Long hours. Sometimes spanning over several days. He does both group and private tours. He occasionally goes on ones outside of Seoul that go across the country, but it’s rare since he doesn’t like to leave Haru alone or have anyone else watch her often. He’ll occasionally do jobs on the side if he’s strapped on cash for the month, like pet sitting for other people in his building, delivery orders, helping people with tasks they might need done.

diamond: a sex headcanon

Dominant. Both gentle and rough. Not too experienced but experienced enough. Doesn’t really view it as anything special, and he doesn’t tie it to dating or being in love. He never saw it as a big deal either, he only sees it as something that happens when two people are physically attracted to one another and as something that feels good.

dolomite: a sleep headcanon

Generally he sleeps naked, especially in the summer, but when it’s winter and if it’s too cold he’ll wear a sweater and sweatpants. He sleeps on his side/stomach. Haru sleeps with him a lot too and he tends to cuddle her when she does. Otherwise he tends to hug a pillow against his chest, or part of his blankets.

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without words

Through tiny gestures, or he’ll at least try to. Sometimes you can express love through intimacy, which he might try to do, but seeing how he doesn’t connect sex and the like to love generally, he would do it otherwise. Like surprising them with meals, taking them out, helping them with anything they need…

fluorite: what my muse’s room looks like

Clean and mostly minimal. A full sized bed sits in the middle of the room, three pillows, two blankets. Bedside table with a lamp, alarm clock, usually a glass of water too. Occasionally he has other things there. He has a small shelf full of both books and textbooks, as well as important documents. There’s some knick-knacks that sit on the shelves. His desk is by the window with a lamp and a laptop sitting on it. He also has some papers on it, mostly research notes. No clothing on the floor, all tucked away in his closet or if they’re dirty, they’re in the laundry hamper. He keeps an extra pair of slippers tucked under the bed. Haru’s bed sits near the shelf.

hematite: how squeamish my muse is

Not very squeamish. He can handle blood and guts well.

hiddenite: how much of an “inner child” my muse has

Hard to say. There is a childish side to him when he’s comfortable, and he’s growing to have childish interest like video games, comics, anime/manhwa, etc., since he never got to He laughs at immature jokes. But he tries to portray himself as being as mature as possible.

iolite: my muse’s drinking habits

He doesn’t like alcohol much due to lack of experience with it and he avoids drinking, however he will drink in social situations if everyone else is drinking.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partner

Never.

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parent

The opposite of his mother. While he loves her and is grateful she raised him well, he doesn’t want his child to be sheltered or restricted. He wants his child to be able to do whatever they wish to do with their life. He wants them to grow up loved and adored, with lots of friends and to have a real childhood and to everything the other kids do. He would be kind and caring, but strict and stern when he needs to be. He doesn’t want his kid to feel the way he does.

kyanite: an anger headcanon

He doesn’t get angry often, in fact it takes a lot to anger him. He’s patient but his patience has its limits. He doesn’t like being around anyone when he’s angry because he’ll take his anger/frustration out on them in words, even if they aren’t at fault. So he prefers to be alone and calm down.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my muse

Jiwon’s met all kinds of people but the ones who seem to stick to him the most are just like him, a little awkward, quiet, “nerdy” interests. He finds it easiest to get along with people like that.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew up

A surgeon.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality trait

How private he is. Because of this people tend to take it as Jiwon not letting them in/not wanting to open up ever and instead pushing them away. He doesn’t mean to but it happens a lot without noticing.

moonstone: my muse’s opinions on outer space

He thinks it’s pretty and nice to look at, but he doesn’t think it should be explored. Planets should be admired from far away, not up close. He doesn’t think scientists should try to inhabit other planets either.

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them down

He tries his absolute best to lift people up, always. He doesn’t like seeing people sad or down, or angry. He likes to cheer them up and help them in every way that he can. Sometimes though, since he’s not the best with words, he does get misunderstood.

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory is

Good enough. He’s good at remembering faces and people, and their little quirks if he is around them enough. He’s good at remembering information which really helped him in school. He’s not good at remembering names though and he never has been, the only time he is good at it is if the person has had a large impact on his life.

opal: how creative my muse is

He likes to think that he is in terms of things to do. Artistically and musically, he’s never tried his hand at either.

pearl: a mental health headcanon

Not great but not terrible. He tries to keep positive outlooks on everything in his life but there’s a lot of factors that don’t allow him to. Some days he doesn’t and can’t face people so he keeps himself inside. He often feels paranoid if people stare at him for too long, as if they know something’s off about him. Other days he can take on the world just fine without too much worry.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the street

Try and find out who lost it, check for an ID. Try his best to return it if he can. He believes in good karma.

pyrite: a physical health headcanon

He’s in good health, or at least he thinks he is. He eats healthy (with the occasional unhealthy cheat days) and he works out regularly. He doesn’t go to the doctor for check ups though he knows that he should, but he’s a little too paranoid as he doesn’t want to have any blood work done, out of fear of what might be found and what the doctors might say.

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them

Good looking and tall to strangers. He’s not really sure how people who knows him see him, but he hopes it’s nothing bad. He wants to be thought of fondly by friends.

rubellite: if my muse has any ‘triggers’ that inspire painful memories

Not really… But maybe seeing two parents with an infant or toddler might make him feel sad, and maybe bitter too. He does his best to repress everything else. Some things just can’t be forgotten though.

ruby: a happiness headcanon

Ulsan. Semi-deserted beach. Sand between his toes. Sun shining down on his skin. The humidity of summer, storm clouds off in the distance. Jellyfish sitting upon the shore. The shouts and laughter of kids off in the distance, mothers running after them to get them out of the water. It’s home, and it’s happiness.

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would choose

His mother.

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininity

For himself, masculinity. For other’s it really doesn’t matter. Both are nice.

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate

No, because he’s in denial about his own destiny and fate. He wants to believe that his fate is not a grim as it’s turning out to be. He wants to believe that he’s destined to do more and be more.

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family history

His mother’s side is completely Korean, though there could be Chinese or Japanese in there (with the way history went and all). Father would technically be Greek, so he would technically be Greek-Korean. However he views himself as 100% Korean and so does his (mother’s) family.

zebra stone: what gets my muse excited

Similar interests. Dogs. Nice weather with the sun shining and clear skies. People actually interested in the places he takes them on tours. His mom’s cooking.

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?

He really wants to believe so, but nothing has really worked out for him so far. He’s hoping that Seoul works out for him though and that nothing else happens. He wants to feel safe, and normal, and secure.