#( hes so charming with letters he wont send because he can go ape shit!! and not be judged like he would for saying it out loud ! )

[lawrising-a]

@escapesnight voted : 📝 ( for the duchess 👀 )

. october 12 .

‘ autumn is making it's rounds again, a never ending storm that only leaves rawness in it's wake. sometimes it feels like fall never leaves, not completely. i see fallen leaves everywhere - i search for it. there was a poem i stumbled upon recently, a thing ominously printed in the newspapers, and it said “it's always october in my throat.” the thought makes my own throat flex as i swallow nervously. it hits too close to home for me, and i'm sure if you had survived everlock's trials, it would be the same for you as well. ’

‘ i'm beating around the bush, cautiously avoiding the topic of why i'm putting a pen to paper again. but you know, don't you? it's because of you. while i'm helplessly watching summer decay, all i can fathom is your own corpse. did you color differently when you died, right before you crumbled? you're as pretty as a leaf in fall, duchess. a graceful float to your step whilst you thrive in an environment with others just like you. it's a shame i never saw you to spring. ( you'd look eternal in winter, i've given it much thought as well ) i keep picturing your hair in the sunlight, your ivory skin bathed in dawn and the way it would tan you even more. dazzling my eyes to the point my old aviators would finally have done it's purpose. i still replay the way you'd dance from group to group during puzzles, twirling about like a flower bud caught naturally in the wind. you were memorizing, truly. or perhaps i'm romanticizing the past, i've been told i do that ... ’

‘ i guess what i'm trying to portray is my grief over you, still. trying to paint the crippling stages of it as something beautiful. am i offending you with the seasonal elements? you're not just a fall thing, you're every weather combined into a singular being - i hope you know that. wherever you are. we knew each other a short time but you've burrowed deep into the veins of my pulsating heart. an invisible star-freckle tacked onto the slender inside of my wrist, from where you last touched me. my fingers sprawl across it from time to time ; shielding the memory from stormy winds and melting heats. remembering the way you clumsily fumbled for it when scared. you never did quite grip my hand - perhaps i never let you. i can admit i was frightened. i think that's all i can admit now. with nothing but dwindling time on my hands i'm faced with admissions no one else shall hear. i was nervous of letting you in completely. i was applaud by how drawn i was to your warming form. and even if i can no longer remember the melodic chime bathed in your cawing, that doesn't change how much i grew to love you. ’

‘ this all so mushy, i'm realizing now as i re read it. i'm sorry you're stuck with these entries from me. another lovesick confession soon join one of the many crumbled papers stuffed in my drawer, stuffed in the pits of my queasy stomach. you'd probably laugh at this. you did say love was stupid during that night, after all. a thing you shared with the savant - but this is more for me then it is you. helps me release 'tense' emotions or whatnot. helps me remember how real the group was, and by default, how real my adoration was towards you. ’

‘ not really helpful. i feel worse somehow. like the gaping void in my chest is only expanding - ’

‘ sticking with october themes, how do you feel about the nickname pumpkin? a little too old fashioned, huh? figures - ’

‘ you'll be found, duchess. i promise. ’