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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-One

Words: 3.6K

Warning(s): Explicit language, drug abuse

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"Babe?" I call as I come in from the hottub, wrapped in a towel, holding my bottle of Pepsi.

Duff's sitting on the couch when I come in, reaching his hand out to grab mine.

"We're celebrating tonight," Duffs tells me, grinning around his cigarette, and I raise my brows.

"For what?" I question him curiously.

"It's been two months since we started dating." He replies.

"And that's worth celebrating?" It comes out before I can stop myself and his smile slowly falters.

"I think so, but if you don't want to—"

"—I didn't mean for it to come out like that, Duff." I tell him.

"No, Viv, it's fine." He assures me.

"I meant, we aren't really a couple, so—" I stop myself once more realizing the grave I'm digging myself as he looks at me with a slightly raised brow, blowing smoke from his nose. "—I'm gonna shut up. What time are we going out?"

"Just whenever." He mumbles and I frown a little.

"Duff, I didn't mean it like that, either, alright? I didn't think you actually considered us a 'couple' since I'm still technically married and you're like a mistress or something." I run a hand through my hair.

"Well, we're having sex, we go out together, we have conversations about our future together, neither of us are seeing other people or have an interest in seeing other people—I assume—so, either we're dating or wasting each other's time."

"Okay, we're dating." I say.

"Are you sure?"

"Duff, seriously?" I question.

"I'm dropping it." He ignores me, reaching for his cigarettes on the coffee table. "I gotta go grab a couple things from my apartment and I'll be back later."

"Alright." I reply, taking in a deep breath before mentioning, "hey if you get back and I'm not here it's because I'm gonna try to find Izzy a little later because we need to talk about something."

"Alright, I love you." He kisses my hair quickly and grabs his keys.

"I love you too." I tell him and he shuts the door.

As soon as he's gone I'm rushing to the guest bathroom and opening the cabinet under the sink, grabbing the grocery bag of pregnancy tests that have yet to be taken.

"God, if you love me…" I say, finishing the prayer in my mind.

Children are and always have been a blessing in my eyes, but that didn't mean I wanted a child then.

"Well, I'll be damned." Izzy mumbles, eyes squinting slightly, holding the test I plopped onto the bar in front of him as he peers into the little window of plastic, seeing another, "|" as opposed to the recent "||" we had seen on my first test.

This is negative test number five of five taken over the course of three days…

"I'm not pregnant." I repeat to him, taking this last test as the set in stone reality.

"Congrats, your gig isn't quite up, yet." He says, grinning crookedly and I roll my eyes as he throws back another shot before saying, "So, here ya go," he digs in his pocket and puts two condoms packets on the bar in front of me, making me shove at his arm, "you obviously don't have any." He states.

"I do, I just don't like using them." I reply, glancing around, seeing the coast is clear of anyone I know in the crowded room.

"You like living on the edge or something?" He questions, aggravating me.

"I like..." I hesitate instead of brazenly saying what I want to. "...you know…"

He furrows his brows and looks at me for a moment.

"...You like what?" He asks me, genuinely not understanding and I sigh.

"I like…that." I widen my eyes slightly for "that," hoping he catches on.

Nothing.

"I don't understand half of what you say so—"

"—I like cum." I rip the bandaid off and he spits his drink out, squeezing his eyes closed to brace the burn of whiskey through his nostrils as well. "And ya know what? It loses its appeal when it's gummed up at the bottom of latex." I add, just to gross him out more.

"Viv, I didn't need to know that!" He scolds me, groaning, rubbing his face.

"Understand me now?" I sarcastically demand.

"Ughh," he wrinkles his nose.

"I like to feel i—"

"Shut up!" He covers his ears and I laugh. "Damn it, Vivian, go back to damn near leaving the room anytime someone mentioned sex." He complains.

"I don't feel weird about talking to you about it because you're like a girl friend." I shrug and he glares at me.

"I'm what?"

"Like a girl friend." I restate and he raises his brows.

"A girl friend?"

"Yeah." I nod.

"You really know how to break a man's balls without even thinking fucking twice about it." He gripes.

"I didn't mean anything bad by that." I say, genuinely.

"You don't tell a guy he's like a girl friend." He argues.

"Well, you are."

"Are what?" Axl's voice is over the crowd and me and Izzy both snatch at the test before he grabs it and hides it in his jacket pocket.

"Wondering what's going on with you and Tansy?" I change the subject quickly when he gets to us and he tries to hide his smile.

"Don't worry about it." He states.

Axl and Tansy, in a new-found relationship, were in a whirlwind of puppy love. So much so that not even a week later, Axl would propose and she would inevitably say, "yes."

"Where's Duff and the guys?" I ask Axl as he grabs a drink and sits beside Izzy and I, lighting a cigarette.

"Steven's with some Cheryl chick, Slash is next door at the strip bar, and Duff…" he trails off, furrowing his brows, "...I don't know where Duff is."

"Oh, well, we were supposed to go out tonight to celebrate our two month." I explain.

"Well, I haven't seen him." Axl shrugs.

"He said he was going to his apartment." I add.

"Haven't seen him." He replies again and I sigh.

"Okay, then, I'm probably gonna head home and just wait there for him."

"He's staying with you?" Axl asks and I nod.

"Yeah?"

"In Nikki's house?" Izzy adds.

"...Yes?"

They look at each other and then look at me.

"What?"

"Whore around much?" Axl comments, about to throw back his shot but I knock the glass from his hand and tiredly glare at him.

"A lot, actually." I reply. "Screw you."

I turn to go.

"Viv, c'mon," Izzy sighs as Axl storms off.

"No, I have some more whoring to go do while my husband's off." I tell him.

"He's an asshole, Vivian, you know that." He says in reference to Axl but I just keep walking.

When I get on the street, I head next door to see if he's by any chance with Slash.

Before I can head that way, I'm halting at the sound of a sharp whistle followed by, "God damn!"

Getting ready to get arrested, again, I turn and my hostility melts away.

Robbin's grinning at me.

"Where the hell have you been?!" I ask him as he walks to me.

"I was gonna ask you the same thing." He states, hugging me. "I've seen all the shit in the press and figured you'd gone to Japan with Nikki to work things out or whatever." He adds.

"There is no 'working things out,' Robbin." I reply and he furrows his brows.

"What?"

"I'm filing for a divorce when he gets back." I explain.

"What? No, Viv, you can't do that, you guys are Nikki and Viv." He tells me.

"No, we're Nikki and Heroin and Mistress and Viv." I smartly shoot back.

"I hate that you guys gotta go through this." He admits.

"Well, we got married knowing it might not work out." I shrug.

"Yeah, but seeing you two being married and making it work got me to realize it's something I want, too, you know? I just didn't think it'd be like this. You two used to be obsessed with each other." He rubs the back of his neck, frowning a little.

"Well, it is what it is, Robbin." I say.

"It's bullshit is what it is."

"Talk to him about it." I scoff.

"Rob, c'mon!" A couple friends he's with call down the street and we both look in their direction.

"Well, it was nice seeing you, we need to see each other more often, you know." I smile softly at him and he nods.

"I hope things work out, Viv. I really do." He reassures me and I nod.

"Thanks."

"See ya later." He grins, patting my cheek before going to his buddies.

"Later." I mumble as he goes.

I breathe out and head into the strip joint, not finding Slash or Duff or anyone I knew.

I eventually give up and just go home because I need to finish decorating for Christmas, anyway.

Hoping to find Duff at home, I instead come in to an empty house and a sleepy Whisky.

"Hey, boy." I step to him and reach down, petting him, feeling a small ache in my heart realizing how much he's grown since Nikki first got him a few months ago.

We were happy when he first got him.

Now look at us.

I force it out of mind and decide to get distracted with Christmas.

I should've got a shower and gone to bed because I ended up getting thrown into a pit of heartbreak all over again whilst trying to find our star for the Christmas tree that I swore I had put in a closet at some point last year to move it out of the way…

"C'mon, you've got it be here somewhere." I mumble, digging around on the top shelf, my hand feeling something familiar.

I furrow my brows and lift the random junk to see the Bible Nikki had gotten me for valentines day this year that had "gotten lost."

The star is a distant memory as I grab the Bible and step off the step-stool I was using and innocently open it where the ribbon is tucked by the back cover.

I see a scribbling of Nikki's handwriting.

Vivian,

I don't know if it's offensive to write in one of these, but my place in hell is already solidified so I might as well piss God off some more. Sorry, I know you don't like when I say I'm going to hell even though we both know it's true. The one problem I have with where I'm fated to spend eternity, is that I know you won't be there. I realized this exactly one year ago. I came pretty close to being over with and I would be burning currently (or just laying in the fucking ground, or flying around as a reincarnated bird, whatever the hell happens to us when we go) had I not made it through. I know I'm scaring you with how much I do, Viv. I hear you talking to God about it when you pray. You're afraid I'm not going to wake up one day. I'm afraid, too. I know, right, Nikki Sixx is scared of something, who would've thought? I'm afraid I'm going to take my last breath without telling you how much I love you. I knew I loved you that night you snuck me into your window and asked me to help you bullshit that damn thesis paper for your final. That was six years ago, almost, and I wish I would have been telling you that I love you all along, maybe it would have changed the path of certain things that have happened. I'm sorry for what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I will do. It's my cross to carry. It's not your fault, it never has been, it never will be. I hope you can forgive me if I'm not here this time next year...if I don't get any better, I'll be in a coffin before our tour ends. Jeez, this sounds like a suicide note. I promise that's not why I'm writing this. I hope I'm around as long as you are. I hope we're together in the next life, whether it's as two birds that mate for life, pecking at each other's eyes, or our spirits just find one another. If God is real, all I'll need is for him to let me know you've made it up there and that you'll be okay, and I'll go to Hell and take the brimstone and fire for all the damage I've done. Just don't forget me, whatever happens. I won't ever forget you. I love you, Vivian. I won't ever forget you. I love you.

—Nikki

My body locks up, my joints tensing, my nose burning as tears come to my eyes...I start shaking, an uncomfortable lump clogging my throat...fury encapsulates me.

I'm throwing the Bible at the wall, pulling at my hair, screaming and yelling incomprehensibly before finally choking out, "why didn't you tell me this?!" I bark at Nikki who's across the country and can't hear me.

But I'm saying it loud enough that he probably could if he really tried.

I guess a part of me might've considered staying with him had he expressed his feelings to me earlier on in our relationship. It's nice to hear, "I love you," even if someone doesn't mean it.

I felt robbed. I felt I deserved for Nikki to tell me that before I found out about Vanity...before he started choosing drugs over me...before I started sleeping with someone else…

I lay down and just stare at the mirror ceiling looking back at me, an ugly crack causing my reflection to scatter in multiples.

Nikki must've broken it at some point before leaving.

I don't know what the point of getting a mirrored ceiling was...perversion or whatever, I suppose. But the money and time spent repairing the damn thing over the years…

I glance at Whisky, curled up on Nikki's side of the bed, talking in his sleep while his back legs twitch a little.

Maybe he's actually reliving a good memory of Nikki.

All I can think of is,

"I got on it to help with my shoulder and finish my parts of the album so it would be ready in time." He tells me honestly.

"And your shoulder's healed now, Nikki. So why are you still bothering with it?" I ask, looking at him.

"It's not like I'm injecting the shit, Vivian." He argues, getting defensive. "Go read your Bible or pray or something...anything."***

And,

I throw the syringe at him, screaming out, "when did you start doing this?!" as tears reappear in my eyes.

I expect him to come fight me, he instead ignores my outburst and leans down to grab the box of needles.

I get up and follow after him, my hands shoving at his back, nearly causing him to trip over himself.

"Answer my fucking question!" I demand him, my voice shaking. I get the reaction I want, the plastic of syringes and metal of needles colliding loudly with the wall when he throws the box of them angrily and spins around.

"Vivian, it's just recreational. It's not serious. I got it under control." He tries to defend himself and I close my eyes, realizing I'll never win.

Then,

"Andy." I cry out, keeping my hands on Nikki's chest, but the Finnish rockstar keeps yelling back and forth with the dealer. "Andy." I repeat, louder, but he still doesn't hear me. "Andy!" I'm pleading in a holler, catching his attention. "I-I can't do this, I'm sick, just call an ambulance!" I beg and Andy heads to the phone hanging on the wall.

And,

"Vince, I'm scared." I say in a whisper.

"Viv, you guys are gonna be okay. I'm sure you'll find a way take fix things just to spite people saying you two won't last." He assures me, his hand rubbing comfortingly up and down my back. "Look at me." He says and I do, and he wipes at my tears. "It'll be fine, alright?" I nod. "Okay?"

"Okay." I reply, sniffling again.

Also,

I'm hitting the floor as fast as I can, screaming as my ears ache from the noise as he just starts shooting repeatedly, and the house shakes, my only chance of protection is getting under the bed and I rush to get there, covering my ears as my spine paralyzes with fear and more shots fire out. I hear things in our house breaking and shattering from buckshot that flies through the open doorway as Nikki is shouting "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" with raw tears in his voice.

Then,

"I'm getting married, look." Vanity states, taking her left hand out of Arsenio's hold and flashes a shining ring on her ring finger and my ears perk up, apparently Tansy's pulled from her drugged stupor, because her heavy eye lids pop open and her face pales when I look at her as I hear Arsenio comment, "okay, um, here's something for Jett magazine," going with the sudden turn of events presented by the starlet.

"Did you know she was engaged?" I ask Tansy and she's at a loss of words. "I didn't even know she was dating anybody."

"Vivian." Tansy's tone is dreadful and I wait for her to tell me about it, Arsenio cracking jokes in the background, causing Vanity's enthusiastic laughter to infiltrate the room.

"This is a beautiful ring." He states, grabbing my attention once more.

"Isn't it pretty?" Vanity agrees as he examines the rock on her finger.

"You, didn't you--"

"--Nikki Sixx." She interrupts him, and my brows furrow even more, confusion taking over me.***

And,

"How could you do this to me?!" I cry out as he starts trying to walk to me, trying to keep his anger low, but I get away from him, throwing a hotel lamp at him, only for it to shatter on the wall behind him. "What did I do to make you hate me so fucking much, Nikki?! To make you pursue another girl--one of my friends--so fucking hard that you propose to her?! Am I just that fucking forgettable?!" I'm throwing dirty dishes Tommy's used tonight, all of them breaking when they miss Nikki by merely centimeters, hitting the wall.

"Vivian, fuck it off!" He barks and I grab Tommy's switchblade off the nightstand, throwing it next, and it barely misses Nikki's face.

"I hate you!" I say back. "I fucking hate you!"

Finally,

“What's new…" He says with a small smirk, thinking about something before the corners of his mouth fall slowly. "...I've done a lot of shit." He starts and I look at him. "Shit I'm not proud of. I don't fucking know when to just do something a little bit. I can't have a bump, I've gotta go through an eight ball as fast as possible. I can't have a drink, I gotta drink the place dry. I can't have a serious girlfriend, I've gotta marry her." He says, and I glance at him and he shakes his head. "I can't just have a one-night stand, I gotta have a fucking affair." He finishes and I lick my lips, keeping my tears back. "This might be fucked up, but I've realized I don't feel like I shouldn't have had anything with her." He says in reference to Vanity and I furrow my brows. "I just feel like we shouldn't have gotten married to begin with."

I decide to have mercy on myself, refusing to relive anymore of our memories--good or bad--because they don't matter anymore and I don't even give myself time to think about how he finally decided to tell me he loved me after six years of jumping through hoops trying to earn it from him.

Careful not to wake the dog, I get out of bed, hearing Duff's car pull into the driveway, and glance at the clock.

How is it already 4:00a.m.?

I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach, excited to see him because I've missed him.

When he gets in, he braces himself against the doorway of the foyer, cursing under his breath when his feet dare to slip from underneath him.

"Did you have fun?" I ask him softly, smiling at him and he slowly lifts his head to look at me.

"Y-You're still up?" He asks me, rubbing his face and I chuckle, taking a step to him.

"Yeah?" I reply, wrapping my arms around his waist…

...Noticing he's keeping his hand on his eyes as if he's rubbing them, and his lids are squeezed together.

"Are you okay?" I ask next, reaching up to pull his hand away from his eyes but he stops me.

"Yeah, baby, I'm fine, just go to bed and I'll be there in a second." He tells me calmly, slurring a little.

"Duff, what's wrong?" I don't listen, not buying it for a second.

"Viv…" he sounds disappointed. "Izzy'll be in here in a second."

"Just look at me," I giggle and move his hand again and he hesitates for a second, before sighing, looking me in the eyes.

I can't speak as pin-pointed pupils look down at me, the sudden smell of smack fumes on his clothes invades me, faint but still there.

I go to open my mouth to speak but I can't…

He's floating on heroin and my hopes of normality are drowned.

#nikki sixx #nikki sixx fanfiction #nikki sixx x oc #mötley crüe #gateway drug

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sunflowercakemix · 4 years

Text

Chuuya Nakahara x fem/Reader

/Part 3

/Part 1

Chuuya P. O. V

The days to come have grown to be full of twist and turns for Chuuya's behavior. Now instead of rushing straight to his apartment after work he would now pass by the bakery where Y/N worked. It felt so easy to talk to her whenever they got a chance to hang out. Of course her treats were another part of the appeal.

He once stopped at the bakery when she wasn't working there and it didn't taste the same.

Sometimes when the stress and worry from the mafia became too much. Chuuya would walk by the bakery where he would see Y/N listing to music as she cleaned before locking up for the night. They way her h/c tresses would sway, her crooked dance moves and the peaceful joy she carried made him stay and watch for a while before he would leave so she wouldn't see him.

The rush he once felt when driving his motorbike was now replaced with a rush when he saw her e/c eyes glimmered when she talked about baking.

,, One day I'm gonna open my own bakery! Just you wait and see!" she would say her voice rich with passion.

She was sunshine in a bottle and he, a mafioso, drawn to it.

Reader P. O. V

Who knew that all it took for me to start liking closing shifts was a short read head man.

I didn't even realise before how much more free time I had to experimente in the kitchen at these shifts. That's why was now using that time making a special treat for Chuuya.

It wasn't rare to hear him gush about wine. So I decided to surprise him.

Decorating a pastry with a strong scent of wine I heared a jingle from the bell signaling a customer.

,, Chuuya?" seeing him at the door made me smile ,, Just the man I wanted to see!"

,, Eh?!" comes from him

,, You know where to wait I'll be right back!" I yell out as I run back to the kitchen grabbing the plate.

As I walked back I saw him sitting at the table, taking of his hat and ruffling his hair. " Damn boy, that was hot!" I think "Snap out of it Y/N" I yell in my head.

,, Since you said you love wine soo much I made this for you~" I place the pastry in front of him.

,, You made this for me?" he asks.

,, Nooo, it's for Santa. Of course it's for you silly! Now try it I want you tell me if it's good"

He smriks ,, I'd be more surprised if it wasn't"

I raise an eyebrow hoping to distract him from the blush he caused on my face.

He takes a bite. Closing his eyes he licks his lips ,, What did I do to deserve this? This is amazing!"

,, Im really glad you like it!" I respond.

Happly I watch the street through the shop window when Chuuya suddenly speaks up.

,, Hey. Would you like to go somewhere after you lock up?" he shyly asks between bites. A single butterfly flutters in my heart ,, S-sure!".

I look down at myself ,, You just gotta give me time to tidy up. I look like a disaster. "

,, Oh, of course no problem" he swallows another bite. I get up from the table and go to change from my work chlotes. As I opened a door to the staff room I hear footsteps running towards me only to see Chuuya who starts yelling ,, We need to leave NOW!"

,, Huh?!" he grabs my arm and takes me to the back door to the back ally. "This shit again? " I think.

Chuuya crouches behind a trashcan pulling me with him. ,,I saw that Port Mafia rat go this way" echoed near us. Then everything clicked ,,You're with the Port Mafia?!? " I whisper yell.

,, Ssshhh I'll explain everything later. Just please stay here, I don't want them hurting you!"

My jaw drops until I hear a loud bang wich made Chuuya leave me behind to step in front of the shadow yelling.

Chuuya P. O. V

I step out to see the acid controler in front of me. "Good.." I think. I can beat him this time, I can't let him hurt Y/N.

,, You back for more?!" I say as I activate my ability.

,, I should be the one asking you that!" he shouts sending a wave of acid at me.

I dodge and start attacking him, mindfull of the place where I left Y/N. It seemed like I was about to corner him when I heard shuffling in the back. Worried I turn to look, only for my attention to be snapped back by a loud bang.

I turned to find Y/N beating the living daylights out of the acid controler with a trash can lid.

,, Y/N WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! "I yell.

,, TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE!" she yelled knocking the guy unconscious.

,, And you... "she pantted,, Owe me answers"

- || -

,, So you're with the Port Mafia?" Y/N asks softly.

There's no point in lying now. ,, Yes. I am"

I hear her swallow and my heart shatters "Crap she's scared" I think.

I finish tying up the acid guy so I can look at her. She's starring at the ceiling.

,, Are you scared?" I ask

,, I don't know... I mean you were with the Mafia when we met and if you wanted you could have killed me way before. But now that I know..... It's just the good I see in you doesn't match with the force I saw you use"

My chest clenches ,, I would never hurt you Y/N and I think you know that" I take a shaky breath ,, I didn't tell cause I know how dangerous this job is. Getting you involved would either scare you away or end up getting you hurt. I'm sorry"

,, See that's the Chuuya I know! The loving and caring one, the one I just saw can't scare me when I know what's on the inside"

,, So you're not gonna run away from me?" my throat shakes

,, Unless you try to kill me!" she smiles weakly. Stepping closer she wraps her arms around me. Her light and warmth getting into my veins making drops of tears in my eyes forcing me to blink them away.

My body clings to her. To her sofftnes and shaking from all the fear. To the familiar scent of her kitchen making me dizzy.

Reader P. O. V

I couldn't say that I wasn't living on needles after learning that Chuuya was in the Port Mafia. But knowing about it made our relationship soo much easier. He opened up to me about more of things I never dared to ask. It made me fonder of him even more than before.

That explains why I agreed to go on a date with him. "I'm felling badass" I thought to myself "I'm going out with a mafioso"

Me and Chuuya met near the city center. And wow he looked handsome in the evening glow.

He saw me and greeted me with a smile. ,,Thank you for agreeing to this"

I wave him off ,,Oh please, the pleasure is all mine!"

I look him in the eyes ,, Really though, thank you for asking me out". The look he gave me made me blush.

,, Shall we go then?" he asked.

,, Yes please!" I answer laughing.

- || -

Laughter escaped my chest as I walk next to Chuuya. After such an evetnfull day I didn't think this could get better.

I stopped laughing when I saw Chuuya give me a deep look. ,, Is everything ok?" I ask concerned.

,, You said you have a fear of heights, right?"

,, Yeah... What of it?" as I said this his eyes light up. ,, Follow me!" he said as he started running.

,, Huh?!" I yell as I run after him trying my best to keep up with his fast pace.

I stop when we reach a tall building. Panting I look around until I hear him from the roof.

,, WHat the...." I breath out

,, COME OVER HERE I REALLY NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!" he yells. I enter the building to find the closest lift to get to the roof top.

The second I got there Chuuya grabbed my hand ,,Do you trust me?". Now I was scared. He didn't wait for a reply instead a red glow stared appearing around me making me weightless.

,,HOLLY SHIT!" booms from my mouth as I get higher. I close my eyes and tense up, scared out of my mind.

I keep like that until a familiar voice crackls in my ear.

#anime #nakahara chuuya #Chuuya x reader #Bungou stray dogs #Bsd

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xxisxxisxxis · 5 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Nine

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Eight

Read here on wattpad

Word count: 4K

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse

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PMRC DEMANDS CENSORSHIP, DEVELOPES A LIST OF THE "FILTHY 15."

1. Prince, "Darling Nikki", flagged for sex/masturbation

2. Sheena Easton, "Sugar Walls", flagged for sex

3. Judas Priest, "Eat Me Alive", flagged for Sex/Violence

4. Vanity, "Strap On Robbie Baby", flagged for sex

5. Mötley Crüe, "Bastard", flagged for violence/language

6. AC/DC, "Let Me Put My Love Into You", flagged for sex

7. Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It", flagged for violence

8. Madonna, "Dress You Up", flagged for sex

9. W.A.S.P., "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)", flagged for sex/language/violence

10. Def Leppard, "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)", flagged for drug/alcohol use

11. Mercyful Fate, "Into the Coven", flagged for occult themes

12. Black Sabbath, "Trashed", flagged for drug/alcohol use

13. Mary Jane Girls, "In My House", flagged for sex

14. Venom, "Possessed", flagged for occult themes

15. Cyndi Lauper, "She Bop", flagged for sex/masturbation

Tipper freaking Gore, the wife of the senator at the time, Al Gore, and bunch of other political housewives got their panties in a twist in 1985 and decided to demand artists either censor themselves when creating music, leaving no room for even the slightest hint at sex, drugs, alcohol, satanism, occultism, violence, language, or anything else almost every artist uses one of to express themselves in their music.

When musicians across the board practically told Tipper, the other wives, and everyone else that called themselves a member of the Parents Music Resource Center, to go fuck themselves, they decided to slap censorship stickers on records that contained any of the mentioned offenses.

Even John Denver got hit with censorship for his song "Rocky Mountain High."

It didn't shock me when my mother was photographed with Tipper after attending one of the hearings.

Mötley was invited to a hearing to defend their content and speak their opinions with a handful of others being censored, but they never batted an eye when the news first came out because they knew having an "X" or "XX" or "XXX" rating for violence, language, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. would only make kids buy the record more. And it did.

"It's bullshit." I state, tossing the news paper article aside.

"It's politics." Fred replies taking a bite of his bagel.

"These womens' sex lives must be atrocious or else they'd be spending more time on their husbands' dicks and less time on these people's." I motion to the article with the list on it.

"Babe--"

"If these polotical lunatics spent as much energy taking care of their own damn kids, as they're spending attempting to villainize artists who're expressing themselves, they would realize that it's not Mötley Crüe's or anyone else's job to raise their children. If you're so scared of your kids trying all this stuff, have a conversation with them about it and tell them about it, honestly, instead of relying on the music they listen to, to properly teach them about it. And at the end of the day, they're gonna buy the record whether their parents want them to or not, and they're going to try all kinds of stuff, no matter who talks to them about it, if they really want to try it." I continue my rant, Fred, Doc, Nikki, Vince, Tommy and Mick all looking at me, waiting for me to be done.

"Are you done, Sister Christian?" Vince asks me and I glare at him.

"Viv, it's publicity. Who gives a fuck?" Nikki asks me. "The kids are gonna go for the nastiest rated album anyway. The more 'X's the better."

"Yeah, but the audacity of--" Tommy's teaching his hand around my shoulder and covering my mouth before I can continue and I look at him where he's beside me.

"I've got a headache. I'm hungover, Viv. I love you, but I don't need to hear a Vivian Bitch Fit right now." Tommy explains to me.

I just look at him like he's lost his mind for shutting me up, and he cautiously moves his hand away.

I give him a ten second reprieve before shouting, at the top of my lungs:

"The audacity of these people pisses me off!" I finish what I was going to say and Tommy and Nikki are both jumping out of their seats a little at the sudden shouting, covering their ears, wincing, before Nikki's looking at me, sharply.

I roll my eyes at him and he grabs roughly at my thigh under the table, uncomfortably sinking the tips of his fingers into my flesh.

Ignoring him, I take a sip of my coffee, as he glances around and stands up.

"I gotta piss." He tells us, but I know why he's going to the bathroom.

I wait for him to disappear past the "Men's Room" sign in the Denny's before I get up and follow after him.

I walk in, catching the tail end of him snorting a line, and I cross my arms, waiting outside of the stall he's in.

I hear the familiar "click" of a needle being uncapped.

"Nikki. It's 10:00 in the morning." I tell him.

"Fuck off."

"Nikki."

"Fuck off."

"Nikk--"

"Fuck off."

"Make me."

I wait for him to come out of the stall and do what I dared him to, but I just hear the sound of him sighing out in relief as opiate hits his system, drowning out whatever argument we were about to get into.

When he didn't want to hear me complain or try to talk him out of stuff, he would run to his favorite room in his mind: his heroin den.

If we were at home, he'd lock himself in the closet, with me begging him to come out.

He'd open the door for me right before passing out so he could at least say he tried.

If we were in public or at a hotel, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and do the same thing.

The sound of vomit smattering the floor has me wincing as he mumbles "fuck it" and opens the stall door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Don't fuckin' give me that hit dog look." He tells me, moving past me to the sink, splashing some water on his face, smearing his already smeared eyeliner that makes him look like a raccoon that's been digging around in a dumpster.

"I'm not giving you any kind of look." I mumble, forcing him to look at me as I wet a paper towel and wipe his black-coated eyelids clean.

The smell of his vomit infiltrates my nostrils and I throw the paper towel away before pulling at his wrist to leave.

Being that he's perfected his magical potion, he isn't too jittery from the coke or nodding off from the heroin.

He's just quiet.

We leave Denny's and head straight to the airport to head back home, being they wrapped up the last show of the U.S. tour last night.

Next is Europe.

Once we land in L.A., Christmas music blares through the speakers of the airport and reminds me that it's already nearing the end of December.

Apparently Vince is reading my mind because he mumbles, "apparently time flies when you're in hell."

Amen, Vince. A-fucking-men.

The second Nikki and I get into the limo to take us to our house, he's busting out a vile of blow that's nearly empty.

"Fuck, I gotta get Jason over, asap." He tells himself and I rub my lips together.

"You know, we haven't even bought a Christmas tree since we've been married." I tell him, trying to distract myself from his previous comment.

"Yeah." He says, basically blowing me off and I reach the toe of my sneaker out and nudge him on the kneecap as he gets the tip of our house key and scoops some from the bindle, snorting a bump.

"Babe." I continue to tap his kneecap until he's got his hand around my ankle, loosely, stopping me.

"What, Viv?"

"What did I just say?" I ask him, crossing my arms.

He just blinks at me, smirking a little.

"I'll gladly tell you when I finish this." He holds the bindle up.

I lean forward and take it from him, holding it hostage when he attempts to take it.

"You'll get it back when I get a Christmas tree." I tell him, raising my brows.

"Are you fucking me right now?" He asks, chuckling, not thinking I'm serious.

"No...but now that you mention it, I want that, too. Then you can get it back." I add and he smirks.

By the time we get to a department store, get my clothes back on and his pants zipped back up, grab an artificial tree, lights and ornaments, and finally get to the house, it's nearly one in the morning.

"Okay, Saint Vivian, gimme my shit back." Nikki states, carrying the boxed up tree while I carry the bags of lights and ornaments.

"Put the tree up so I can decorate it and I will." I reply.

"That wasn't apart of the deal." He argues, his tone still light.

"Well now it is." I reply.

"That's cheating."

"I made the deal. I make the rules." I shrug.

"You're making me work for something that's already mine." His free hand pulls at my waist, turning me to him and I grin mischievously as he shakes his head a little. "That's it, Sixx." He tells me before crouching enough to wrap his arm around my thighs and throw me over his shoulder.

I laugh manically, partially out of fear that he'll drop me, but also because this is the Nikki I fell in love with.

Playful, lighthearted, aggravating but meaning well, Nikki.

He manages to dig his house key out again and unlock the door before stepping in and turning on the lights in the foyer.

"Baby, put the bags down for now." He tells me and I drop them as carefully as I can while he puts the box the tree is in, down.

He's walking us to the living room, laughing when he pretends to trip and I gasp, digging my nails into him like a cat holding onto its owner to avoid a bathtub full of water.

When he flips the next light on, he stops immediately.

My mind is in shambles for a moment as I try to put together why so many people are in my house once Nikki's nearly dropping me out of shock, not even hearing them all scream out, "surprise!"

Steven and Tansy are at the forefront of people as the explosion of glitter, a mixture of neon and pastel decor, an abundance of various alcohol options, scantily clad women, a handful of Nikki's friends he hangs out with outside of Mötley Crüe, and a big ass, two-tier cake with every curse word known to man written in pristine is cursive font on the sides of it is soaked in by mine and Nikki's eyes.

Steven's wearing a beer hat, smiling widely, while Tansy looks like a sallow Barbie doll, but she's still forcing out a grin for the sake of us, and everyone's waiting for mine and Nikki's reactions.

Nikki and I exchange looks, confused as ever.

"Why is it a surprise?" I finally ask, deciding it's best if I ask instead of Nikki, because all he wanted to do was come in, shoot up, have a few lines, fuck around with me some more, and pass out.

But instead he's being forced to socialize in his own house.

His safe place has been infested.

Steven and Tansy seem horrified that we don't understand the reason for the apparent party.

"...Because it's your birthday?" Tansy reminds me.

"And Nikki's was a couple weeks ago, but he wasn't here to celebrate it." Steven adds, his smile is long gone, his eyes focused on Nikki who looks like he could kill someone right now.

"Oh, right!" I pretend that I know that it's my birthday today, and everyone seems to let out a breath of relief. "It's been a long day." I explain, stepping to the two blondes, hugging them both tightly. "Thank you so much."

While everyone else starts going on with the party, music starting to blare throughout the house on the stereo speakers, cracking open beer, whiskey, and vodka, as girls strip down to bikinis to go swimming, Nikki's still standing at the door, the look on his face is a mixture or pissed off, disappointed, and "I need another dose."

"Babe." I say gently to grab his attention, hazel eyes looking to me as a jaw tightens. "C'mon, just for a couple hours."

"I'll be right back." He tells me, shoving through people to get to our bedroom.

I brush off his attitude the second I feel hands on my shoulders, squeezing them a little and I snap around to meet Duff's chest.

"Hey, birthday girl." He greets me cooly, and I'm hugging him before I can stop myself.

Something wet falls on my hand when I pull away, and just as I'm about to look around for whatever it was, his fingers that are sticking out of leather gloves that just cover his palms, are brushing at my face.

"What's up?" He asks me, furrowing his brows a little.

What is up? Why the hell are you crying?

"I-I'm happy." Is all I can say, chuckling, wiping more tears.

He knew it was bullshit. I was happy, sure. Happy to get the fuck off the road. Happy to get a break from Nikki and Tommy harassing Vince. Happy to get away from Doc's constant pressing for more tour dates to milk as much money as possible. Happy to be able to hangout with balls of optimism and sunshine like Duff and Steven and have Slash show me his pet snakes like he'd been meaning to, and for Izzy to tell me what music I should have been listening to, and for Axl to go on and on about Tansy but then completely deny he was interested in her because he was too much of a dork to just ask her out.

"I'll be right back, alright?" I tell Duff, looking around to see Nikki's nowhere to be seen.

"Okay." He tells me, swigging from a bottle of vodka.

I thread through people who tell me "happy birthday" and I thank each of them, genuinely, before opening up the bedroom door, and shutting it behind me, stepping to our bathroom.

"Baby?" I ask, seeing Nikki standing at the mirror, teasing his hair some more. "I had no idea they would do this." I tell him.

"I had no fucking idea it was even your birthday, apparently." He grumbles. "Shows how much I care, right? Husband of the year. Something else to be hung over my head anytime we get into a fight."

"Hey, I didn't even know it was my birthday. The guys didn't either. You've all been busy and working hard and tired. I'm not going to hold this over you, Nikki." I assure him, fixing a piece of his hair for him.

I didn't realize his pride was so hurt by the gesture Steven and Tansy made.

I found out later it was Duff who brought up the idea to Tansy, who recruited the Ken to her Barbie: Steven, to help her orchestrate it.

That was another indication to Nikki that he needed to slow down, forgetting his own wife's birthday, but he didn't listen to it a bit.

"I really don't want to do this shit, Vivian." He tells me, rubbing his eyes.

"And I do?"

"They're your friends." He sighs.

"What's mine is your's." I say as I kiss his cheek and he groans.

"You owe me." He tells me as I step out of the bathroom. "Matter of fact, I want my coke back."

"Um, I can't hear you, babe. I'm sure I will when these people leave." I tell him.

"Viv--"

"I-I think you're breaking up, I'll talk to you later." I keep going, walking to the bedroom door.

"I'll break something up when these people get the fuck outta my house!" He calls back and I shut the door behind me.

The night goes on as people play beer pong on the dining room table, dance on whatever and whoever they can, snort lines off any flat surface available, and chug whatever is in their cups, drowning pain and becoming oblivious.

I hate to break it to Nikki, but I don't want these people driving in their condition, so they'll have to stay here tonight or call cabs.

After a few hours, people are either pairing off or grouping off to go get laid, passed out, or too high to function properly and are just chilling out.

Steven's observing his work, drinking from his beer cans perched in his hat when I approach him, looking for Duff.

"Have you seen Duff?" I say over the music and he nods.

"Yeah, I think he's by the pool." He tells me.

"The pool?"

"Yep."

I furrow my brows, stepping to the French doors leading outside, seeing Duff and Tansy sitting down on the pool deck, talking

"Is he pissed?" She asks me, referring to Nikki, after I sit next to her.

"I would say go see for yourself but I don't want to toss you into the lion's den." I admit. "He hasn't come out all night."

"I'll go talk to him." She says. "If he's mean to me I'll just cry and make him feel bad like I do to Vince."

Duff and I exchange looks at her confident words before she's walking away in her neon pink bikini.

"Everyone calming down?" Duff asks in a slur, and I nod, glancing through the doors to look at the guests for a few seconds. "How does it feel to be twenty-two?" He adds, rubbing his nose and I raise my brows a little, glancing at the bottle of vodka he's been working on all night.

"It's weird." I mumble. "I was a senior in high school five years ago." The reality hits me and he raises his brows. "God, I'm old."

"You were seventeen your senior year?"

"In pre-k my teacher decided I was too smart for the class and vouched for me to be moved up to kindergarten, and it didn't take my kindergarten teacher long to convince the principle of the elementary school to let me start in the first grade since they hadn't really started in on their curriculum for the year." I explain.

"I couldn't even meet the basic requirements of alternative school." He tells me.

"You're a freaking genius, you just didn't apply yourself." I tell him and he shrugs.

"I had more important things to get done.

"I guess you did." I agree, gently scoring the bottle of alcohol away from him.

"I know you're tired of me saying this, but, Viv, you gotta get back to dancing."

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean, imagine me giving up music for someone I'm in a relationship with so I can hold their hand or fucking babysit them or whatever. I mean, sure it shows I love them a lot, but it would just make who ever I was with look like a fucking bitch. And I've talked to Nikki before and he told me he didn't want you to quit dance and he wanted you to go to school." He explains. "Why didn't you?"

"I had more important things to get done." I repeat him.

"I don't know if you're selfless sometimes, or just not thinking." He says, before his face suddenly falls. "I sound like an asshole right now, I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head.

"I'm not upset, I know what you mean." I assure him.

"Okay." He rubs his eyes again like a sleepy child.

"Do you need me to help you to bed?" I offer and he waves his hand at me a couple times.

"No, no, I got it." He assures me, standing up.

He nearly falls over.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." I comment, helping him inside as he apologizes.

"I'm sorry I'm being out of hand right now, Viv, I don't get like this every night." He tells me as I open our guest bedroom and thank God nobody's in here, although it's obvious someone has been screwed to oblivion on the bed.

I just throw the blanket on the edge of the bed over the mattress and help him lay down.

"Thank you." He says as I pull his boots off and set them nice and neat on the floor at the foot of his bed.

"You're welcome." I reply, setting the garbage can beside him incase he needs it. "Goodnight."

I'm about to leave, but his hand gently grasps at my hand, stopping me.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"I'm really glad we met and we're friends, Viv." He tells me, grasping my hand in his like I'm going to walk out anyway and not listen to what he's got to say.

"I am, too, Duff." I say back, smiling a little. "Sleep tight, okay?"

"Yeah." He nods his head.

"Alright, goodnight."

I go to kiss him "goodnight" on the cheek, but my entire system and body locks up the second he misreads my intentions, and kisses me.

This sounds so counteractive to who I am now and what I stand for currently, and it was ignorant of me to think such a way back then, when so many people close to me were heavily affected, some of them even dying, by drugs and alcohol...but I use to wish I liked alcohol or drugs, or even felt drawn to them.

By '87 I'd had several miscarriages, my marriage was hanging by a thread after only being married for four years, I was having an identity crisis and my entire world was seeming to fall apart and it became routine to buy a bottle of vodka or whiskey, or pills, or blow and just stare at it--trying to convince myself to go for it--for an hour before pouring it out or flushing it.

The people around me, which by that point was mainly Duff and his band, started to pick up on this struggle I had. And although they knew I had to be in some kind of extreme pain to be considering reaching such lows, they carried an "if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry" method of pulling me out of such spells.

Anytime we would be hanging out and I'd opt to try something they were doing, they would call it the "Golden Question Game" because the "Golden Question" was always "is Vivian actually gonna do it this time?" and they wouldn't argue with me about it or try to stop me because they knew the answer would always be "no" even if I didn't think it would be.

I even made the reckless suggestion to try heroin, and got as far as Izzy getting it in the syringe for me, trying to explain to me how to shoot it, how to angle it, how to know I'd hit a vein, with Steven, Slash and Duff all waiting to see if I was that desperate for an escape.

Like everything else I would think about doing, I just sat on the floor next to Izzy and stared at the golden liquid in the syringe and thought, "who the fuck are you to get pissed and angry at Nikki and Tansy for their addiction to this shit, and how it's destroying them, and then turn around and do it yourself?"

I shot it into the air away from me, handed the empty syringe back Izzy, thanked him for letting me waste his time and dose of smack, went to the bathroom with Duff at my heels, and cried.

I never went through with any of it because I knew I would never, ever, come back from it.

I would've drank myself to death or drugged myself past the point of no return and would have ended up a statistic.

I just needed a new escape because my original high became a heroin addict, and December 23, 1985, had me realizing more about Duff than what I had noticed before: Vodka was a hell of a lot easier to be around than heroin.

#nikki sixx #vince neil #tommy lee #mötley crüe #the dirt #gateway drug

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