#( feelin' my way through the darkness guided by my heart | modern verse )

[headstrongblake-a]

“according to our records, you were the last one who saw our victim, raven reyes, alive. mind running me through that night, ma’am?”

I ACCIDENTALLY TAUNTED TORIE - @lethalintelligence & @omousvarii (tagging you as well cause reasons)

     her fevered skin felt cool against the metal table as glossy emerald hues stared at the chip in the paint in the interrogation room. her wrists throbbed already from the metal bracelets slapped around them. what was she supposed to say anymore? no one was listening to her. no one believed her when she explained the best she could about the threatening messages her best friend was receiving. about the man raven swore she was seeing everywhere. without raven’s phone for proof, octavia simply looked like a strung out kid from the WRONG side of the tracks with an unbelievable recount of events that ends with a dead body. raven’s body. octavia’s stomach turned at the mere thought, the images vividly flashing in her mind as she stared ahead silently.

   our victim. the officer’s words sounded unkind, unforgiving. speaking about raven as if the brunette hadn’t been a vital part of the youngest blake’s life. of both the blakes. oh god. bellamy. was he worried by now? curfew had definitely come and gone and the officer’s weren’t letting her speak to anyone else. she stayed secluded in the dimly lit room, explaining and repeating herself over and over again. someone had attacked them. drugged them making octavia’s memories hazy at best. but he murdered raven. brutally. painfully. the younger girl’s eyes slammed shut, her jaw clenching as the acid in her stomach began to rise. raven was gone. a psycho obsessed with her stole her from the blake’s lives. it was unfair and unjust. 

   as octavia eyes reopened, it looked as if her night couldn’t get any worse. whatever he’d slipped them had her mind all jumbled with her eyes playing tricks on her as emerald hues focused on the image of raven all bloodied and hurt, now standing in front of the chip in the wall. at that the brunette sat up, eyes still lingering on the image of her best friend. how could this have happened? WHY did this happen? and what were they supposed to do without raven? without the girl who’d always been there. sad hues drifted towards the two detectives as a heavy sigh left her lips. she was exhausted. tired of the same questions. so tired of fighting and all she wanted now was her big brother. 

   “i don’t know what else to tell you –,” she started, knowing her blood soaked clothes made her look even worse. octavia couldn’t stop herself. after the girls were alone and raven gasped for her last breaths the younger girl held her close, hugging and begging her to hold on. “i didn’t see his face but raven said this guys been following her for a few months now…check her apartment, he left notes for her at her work, outside the apartment, in her windowsill.” her head shook frustratedly. they weren’t listening to her. they weren’t doing ANYTHING to catch the guy who’d murdered her family. no, they were wasting their time interrogating her. “i LOVE—…” octavia’s words trailed off, as she noticed the ghostly figure of raven moved to stand near the glass window. “i loved raven more than anything, i didn’t KILL my best friend.”

[headstrongblake-a]

                              JAY HALSTEAD & OCTAVIA BLAKE                                                       @twicehard

        “my BROTHER was all that i had --- and you’re telling me he’s not coming home? that he’s....that he died and left you as my guardian?”

[headstrongblake-a]

“This happened in a fight?”

MOBILE SUCKS SO KAT SENT HER MEMES -  @omousvarii

     the youngest blake remained quiet, sitting on the edge of the couch as her fingertips dug into her palms while bellamy inspected the bruising running down her shoulder blade that disappeared underneath her shirt. it covered most of the right side of her body truthfully, but she wasn’t about to tell him that. all she offered was a quick shrug, wincing slightly away from his touch. the bruising might be a few days old but it was still tender, leaving octavia sleeping on her stomach. “yeah, it’s no big deal – catty bitches at school.” 

    as soon as the UGLY blue and purple marks began to show on her back, octavia instantly decided she would HAVE to lie. as much as she wanted to believe she could keep her back and shoulder hidden while bell was home for the weekend, the reality was unless she wanted to live in hoodies, he was going to see it eventually. “some girls were talking shit about our family,” not a completely unbelieveable lie, the blakes were not the most popular kids around, nor the most wealthy. “but it was a really unfair fight, must have gotten it hitting the ground.” the lies fall from her lips a lot easier than she thought they would but it’s for the best. a much easier pill to swallow for her big brother when he goes to leave for school again early monday.

    the truth would ruin EVERYTHING. especially for bellamy who’s FINALLY doing something for himself. ever since she was little, he’s done everything for her. put his life on hold when it came to being a normal kid. a normal teenager. he never got any of that stuff because he was always too busy taking care of her and making sure she was doing her homework. got her ready for school and made her lunch while mom laid in the dark. cooked dinner and read her stories while mom got drunk. but no more. no, octavia’s taking care of things around here now. taking care of mom during the week so that bellamy can breathe a little in college. 

   taking care of aurora isn’t an EASY task. not lately anyways. not when she’s so angry. but in some ways wasn’t it octavia’s fault? had this ever happened when bell watched over mom? probably not. bellamy had a better handle on things. all octavia had to do was try harder. next time she won’t try to pry the whiskey bottle from aurora’s fingers. next time she won’t stand so close to the stairs. she’ll back away and let her have a bit more to allow her to doze into a heavy sleep instead of getting in the way. because that’s what she’d done on tuesday night. octavia was too impatient to wait for aurora to drink herself to sleep. there was a math test she was destined to fail bright and early wednesday morning and all she wanted was a bit of sleep. but mom had begun shouting. screaming and fighting with a ghost not really there. maybe she should have been nicer but instead octavia huffed and puffed out of her bedroom, trying to coax her mom to go to bed when aurora lashed out, smashing the bottle on the floor and shoving octavia HARD and causing her to lose her balance at the top of the stairs. it wasn’t really mom’s fault. an accident at most.

   “it hardly hurts bell.” she said with a small smile, turning to see her brother’s face. act normal. keep smiling and he’ll never know. he’ll go BACK to school instead of staying home save her.

[headstrongblake-a]

      no tears or bullshit pity parties. that’s what they promised each other because it was horribly sad that they were about to be separated BUT they were getting their DREAMS. achieving what they set out to do all those years ago when the girls became roommates that first year of college. raven’s leaving bright and early for NASA and octavia’s heading to the airport to catch a plane to bolivia first. then south africa before heading up to greece in the span of three months. they’re both going to see the world -- just from two very different perspectives. 

     “we had some insane times in here didn’t we?” octavia said out loud when there was a lull in their laughter. emerald hues slowly drifted around her bedroom, one that before packing had resembled a somewhat grown up room. a few years ago the space was a mattress and box spring on the floor and like the rest of the apartment off campus it was bare. but the two of them had come so far and as octavia looked around she couldn’t help the nostalgia that bubbled to the surface. “you remember that time harper drank one of monty and jasper’s concoctions and we found her asleep in our tub the next morning?” she asked with a light chuckle as she turned her head towards raven. from late night and way too early to even be called morning study sessions to get togethers with their group, friendsgiving, christmases and just plain movie nights shared between the two girls, they did it all. right here. and they did it together. 

// @lethalintelligence gets GOODBYE

[headstrongblake-a]

                        RAVEN REYES & OCTAVIA BLAKE                                    roommates in college                                          @lethalintelligence

                we owned every second that this world could give                                          we saw so many places                                                   all the things that we did                                                           with every broken bone i swear we lived.

[headstrongblake-a]

    “don’t okay, no -- don’t give me that look, lincoln TOLD me to take a week and think about it, okay!?” even though the minute lincoln pulled out the little black box with the sparkly engagement ring, octavia started saying YES as her face lit up. he wanted her to be sure of herself and not swept up in their emotions and the thrill of the evening. although from the moment she’d met lincoln things always felt different with him. more real and calm. like he was a bit of home. even if she’d denied it in the beginning, needing raven’s persistent encouragements that lead to more than a few dates despite her big brother’s protest. it’d been the first year of college and a relationship was very low on her priority list except now -- lincoln is her home. 

     but her week is almost over and octavia spent the night alone with her thoughts while raven was at out. all her life she’d been taught to never show fear. blakes weren’t afraid of ANYTHING and that was how their demons were slayed. but with a heavy handed poured screwdriver in octavia’s system the FEAR began creeping in. SHE’S A BLAKE --- and she wanted to get married?? be a wife?? eventually maybe a mother?? no way. something WOULD go wrong. something ALWAYS went wrong. “i’m just saying -- i’m only twenty-two, i just landed my first gig since graduation, so why should we be rushing into anything?” way to slay her fear. 

 // @lethalintelligence get’s post graduation college babes

[headstrongblake-a]

    octavia had been patient. about as patient as she could be given her constant eager curiosity and the humongous ELEPHANT in the room being HER big brother. but as soon as raven finally came out of her bedroom after bellamy left, only to retreat moments later octavia quickly hopped up from the couch. “so, are you going to tell me what happened---” her eyebrow quirked towards raven as she leaned against the brunette’s doorframe to her bedroom, “--- or just assume i already know?” even in the whole hour octavia spent with bellamy while raven stayed in bed the younger blake wasn’t able to settle on what she thought about THIS. since day one she could practically SEE their chemistry radiating off each other but raven was with finn. on more than one occasion octavia had poked fun at the way raven could seem flustered after her brother spent the day at the apartment but her BEST FRIEND had always shut it down. was this a GOOD THING? were they finally admitting something? OR was this about to be the worst disaster ever?! best friend or not -- GROSS or not, octavia didn’t LIKE the idea of her brother being revenge sex because finn had turned out to be the biggest ( in octavia’s eyes ) douche bag on the planet.

 i sent you to check on her, NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER octavia had hissed at her brother before hitting him in the shoulder once lincoln dropped her off at the apartments. although lincoln had offered to come inside, octavia assumed she’d just be taking over for bellamy once she saw her best friend and sent him on his way. with a sigh, she pushed herself into the room, flopping down on raven’s bed. “seriously rae -- what the fuck happened last night?” she’d gotten the gist of it over text, finn cheated -- not much to misinterpret there but octavia needed DETAILS. 

      // @lethalintelligence get’s year two of our college girls

[headstrongblake-a]

                       @twicehard keeps convincing me to do more painful things

     octavia blake knows there’s something wrong. can feel it deep in her core before anyone says anything to her because why the hell else would a nice enough looking police officer be pulling her out of her dream state on the weekend to drag her down to the chicago police department? octavia hasn’t be in trouble. hasn’t done anything to warrant the police. no, she promised bell that while he was deployed she wouldn’t cause her usual chaos. he’s her guardian, but still he worries someone will take her from him. just go to school o, take care of yourself and i’ll be back before christmas. it’s nothing she can’t promise. the blakes have been taking care of themselves long before bellamy became her legal guardian. 

      in a rush octavia had reached for the hoodie closest to her, not realizing until she was in the station that it was one of bellamy’s from high school. quickly, she pulls the hood up onto her head, eyes narrowing as she followed behind the cop dressed in blues. burgess? was that her name? she can’t remember but octavia does what she’s told, eventually sitting on a bench in the busy district waiting for someone to tell her what’s going on. she stays quiet but one burning question repeats in her head on a loop. is bellamy home? 

[headstrongblake-a]

[ calm ] your muse telling mine to ‘ just breathe ‘ .

NON - SEXUAL   ACTS   OF   DOMINANCE | status; accepting just slowly - @amongthcwreck

     if octavia wasn’t careful she was going to run a hole through the carpet. she’d been pacing back and forth in the living room while she read the legal papers over again. for the fifth time. but she couldn’t help it. couldn’t settle the anxious and terrifying feeling that made a home in her bones. she scoffed as her eyes shifted from the papers to her brother. “don’t tell me you’re not just as pissed off by this.” she holds the custody papers out towards him for a quick moment. even though bellamy’s already seen them. she called him the minute she’d been served “where does he get off thinking he deserves anything, you know – where the hell has he been?” she asked, frustratedly tying her hair up into a messy knot while she continued to walk.

    “he told me if i kept isabella he was as good as gone, he said that bell.” octavia stopped her pacing. emerald hues fell to her daughter, blissfully unaware that they were discussing her father as she continued her attempts to pull herself up against the sofa near bellamy. bella had been doing that more and more lately and octavia was sure she was heading towards walking. each time isabella learned something new, even something so small as a new sound octavia’s heart swelled with excitement and joy. but right now she saw all her daughter was accomplishing and she was angry that her dad thought he could come back now. after all this time. isabella’s first birthday was nearing and now he wanted to be apart? now he wanted his rights to be heard? it had octavia seething. “he wasn’t there when i was pregnant, he wasn’t there when she was born, or when she cut her first tooth. not a single doctor's appointment. she has no idea who he is!”

                    just breathe.

     there’s nothing octavia wouldn’t give for those two words to hold all the peace she needed but as she plopped herself down beside her brother on the couch her head shook. “i can’t,” her voice lost it’s anger, leaving only her sadness. “i can’t breathe bell – he’s wanted nothing to do with her and now suddenly he wants some custody over my baby?” 

[headstrongblake-a]

          @twicehard get’s CRAZY AF octavia

           “EXCUSE ME!?“ she barked, squeezing her way between her boyfriend & some blonde bitch. emerald hues burned with a fire. “you’re lookin’ a little lost here, so how about i help you out??” the small but feisty brunette took a step towards the other in the club. 

[headstrongblake-a]

          @lcvedher wanted drug addict o

      it’s barely morning when octavia hears her roommate tip toeing into their crappy apartment. if the brunette hadn’t been uncomfortably shifting between her bed and the bathroom trying to hold onto her nerve that could kick this habit, she might not have even noticed clarke’s late arrival. except by the time she’s in the hallway, breathing ragged and leaned against the doorway of clarke’s room, she can see the signs all over the blondes face. none of this should come as a surprise to her. after jake’s death octavia was already in a downward spiral. the magnificent feeling of the highs drowned out all her reason. clarke was having a shitty time and octavia was more than willing to show the other how to make everything feel better. she created this. she did this to clarke. “don’t,” she mumbled lowly, shaking her head as emerald hues fluttered around the room. a few months ago octavia was singing a very different tune. more than happy to have a friend on her side through the best worst time of her life, but now she could see the destruction they were causing. “don’t be like me, clarke.”

[headstrongblake-a]

❝Hey. You with me?❞

ANGSTY as hell meme that i didn’t reblog | accepting just slowly - @ginaofthe100

    ryan sat behind her on the raggedy couch, lips against her neck as she coasted through a haze. soon she’ll come out of it and every nerve in her body will start to hurt again. but for now emerald hues fade to slits as her body weight leaned against her new company. ryan, the one with the drug only a few floors down from the blakes, ready to help her make it through. maybe her life was always heading this way. after all her big brother had endured to shove her into a life better than they had with aurora, octavia ended up almost exactly like her. a needle in her arm chasing the next greatest high. it wasn’t always like this. sure, the younger blake certainly had that taste for the short entertainment drugs could bring. the way her body could feel light and free like no one could possibly touch her but months ago she had dreams. a plan for her future. 

    eight months ago, octavia was a junior in college, just over a third of the way to getting her journalism degree. comfortably, she lived in an apartment off campus with longtime boyfriend, lincoln. and each day she strived for something new. the young girl was so happy and filled with such a love for life until a routine, down right average day ended everything. the couple were running late to meet bellamy and his girlfriend, gina for lunch but octavia insisted on stopping at the bank just a few blocks before the restaurant. “it’s been forever since we’ve seen them, you know how bell and i get, one minute we’re at lunch and the next we’ve been gone the whole day, c’mon, let’s just stop quick.” 

    that day constantly plays on a loop in the brunette’s mind. the split second decision that cost them so much. the gun raised inside the bank. the single shot that rang out. lincoln’s body going limp in her arms before the ambulance even got close to them. the blood. god, there’s never a time when she doesn’t see so much blood.

   she blinks owlishly as her mind starts to leave the clouds and her body begins to sync with her once more. just like that her high came crashing down and the memories she’s been running from all flooded back. suddenly the feel of ryan’s hands running along her skin makes her stomach lurch. octavia’s still dazed when she gets to her feet and makes an excuse to leave the apartment she’s gotten to know so well. “bell’s gonna be home soon, gotta get cleaned up,” she manages to force out through slurred speech. 

   it’s too soon. much too soon after her last hit but by the time she’s in the hallway octavia knows she’ll head straight for the bathroom with her purse once she’s home. despite the odds and dangers, she needs this. sometimes she can come out of a high feeling normal again. it’s like for a moment her mind can forget the tragedies of this year and it’s as if nothing ever changed. but it’s times like this when the overwhelming agony suffocates her the second she’s out of the clouds that octavia gets desperate to chase the high again.

   the dark quiet in the apartment leads her to believe no one’s home. gina isn’t spending the night. bellamy must still be at work. the promise of privacy leaves her to be sloppy. she kicks off her shoes by the door, stopping in the living room instead of making her way to the bathroom. fingers shake at the anticipation, the need to make this feeling go away. in too much of a hurry she dumps the contents of her purse on the floor, finding the little kit she’s kept for visits with ryan. 

   after months of practice octavia’s quick to set herself up. in a matter of moment she has the rubber tourniquet tied at the top of her arm and her favourite vein popping out, just waiting for this next dose. she taps the needle, just barely squeezing out any bits of air before plunging the heroin into her system. 

    the next thing she sees is flashes. a loud slamming of a door. a woman’s voice calling out to her as her heads lifted off the floor. shortly after her head falls to the side as barely opened eyes catch a glimpse of her arm. the rubber band lays next to her on the floor but in her arm is still the needle. perfect evidence to confirm their suspicions. another flash and the room around her goes dark. 

                        hey, you with me?

    it’s the tapping on her cheeks that finally get a bit of response. but as if her body were made of stone octavia remained unable to move, head resting against someone’s body warmth. the soft voice that whispers to her sounds familiar. like home. but as eyelids begin to flutter open, she remained unable to place the voice. mom? no, mom was gone. dead for all they knew. brows furrowed as her chest heaved, forcing a deep cough from her lips. shallow breaths filled the silence as she blinked up at the one who’s fingers brushed damp hair out of her face. defeatedly, her eyes closed once more and for a moment she just breathed. allowing the other’s touch to soothe her back from the darkness. a long beat passes before octavia tries again, opening her eyes to see just who’d found her in such a state. “gina,” she gasped unexpectedly, looking up at the woman’s worried grimace.  

[headstrongblake-a]

           @tostxyalive wanted drug addict o 

      “what’re you doing here?” she hissed, glancing towards the blonde out of the corner of her eye as heels continued to click down the sidewalk. octavia pulled her hood up and shoved her hands into her too thin for their fall weather hoodie, barely paying more than a few moments attention to the blonde. octavia didn’t ask for anyone to come looking for her. didn’t want any of her friends family to see her this way. it’s been easier the past few weeks out here alone because for once while she rides her high she doesn't feel like she’s letting anyone down. bellamy’s not watching over her shoulder and for those few minutes that she soars higher unlike anything before, octavia swears she’s free. no prying eyes. no high expectations. just her and the monster.

[headstrongblake-a]

       “well well, sleeping beauty has decided to grace me with her presence?” octavia smirked, looking over her shoulder towards the other as she chewed on her pancake that she’d made earlier for the both of them. octavia left a tall glass of water with a bottle of advil sitting beside it on the counter in the kitchen for mandy whenever she did make it out of bed. though octavia could hardly blame her from wanting sleep. from what she could remember and what her pounding head ache told her, the two had a blast the night before. “there’s coffee and a plate for you in the microwave.” with that octavia turned her attention back to her own plate of breakfast and the book in front of her.

           @nctyourplaything get’s something from your wishlist cause i miss you

[headstrongblake-a]

"Happy birthday, Octavia."

IT’S OCTAVIA’S BIRTHDAY 

      the whole day octavia’s had the same permanent grin plastered on her face as it was now. the last few had been a little rocky with bellamy’s deployments but he’s home for this one. by blake standards, it’s damn near perfect. “hey, thanks clarke!”  

[headstrongblake-a]

     it’s not like octavia’s never been through this before. a funeral for a family member taken too soon. last time she had her big brother standing beside her, hand slipped into hers as their mother was lowered into the ground. back then tears left clean tracks on her cheeks as the image of aurora’s dead body on the bathroom floor flashed in her mind. this time jay stands beside her, hand on her shoulder as they lower bellamy’s casket into the dirt. her bottom lip trembled but she kept emerald hues on the casket, refusing to let the tears stroll down her face as the people around her continued to rave about her brother’s bravery and service to their country. they don’t know him is all she can play in her mind. 

    once they’ve folded up the american flag and presented it to her, emerald hues shifted up towards jay, silently asking what she was supposed to do. pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as eyes moved back to the gentleman in front of her, octavia reached forward to take the flag but she didn’t offer any polite smile. just took the flag and backed away from the funeral service and jay’s grip. she waited in the car, eyes forward until people from the service started to leave.

       four weeks and she still refused to step foot inside the apartment the siblings had shared. at first all she had was a hoodie of bellamy’s, her school bag and sweats that she’d been wearing when kim plucked her out of bed before jay broke the devastating news to her. but eventually gabby, a paramedic she’d originally met through incidents with mom who turned out to be the sister of a guy jay worked with offered to go upstairs for her to pack her some things. there were times over the last few weeks when octavia would ask jay to bring her by or she’d walk there after school. however, every time she reached for the door handle of the building, she froze. if she went up there every single inch of the apartment would reminder her of bellamy. it would make it real because the funeral certainly didn’t do that.

    the whole time her principal and jay talked in the office before octavia was allowed to leave campus early she was in an entirely different world. her mind far away from the two as she thought back to the moment on the bus this morning when she noticed bellamy’s hoodie that she’d thrown on was beginning to smell like coconuts and shea butter. it was losing bellamy’s presence. once the two were in the car heading back to the apartments it was exactly the same silence as she leaned her head against the window, watching the streets pass. 

     octavia pushed into the apartment early already set in a mood but she doesn’t stick around in the entrance way long enough to listen to jay’s words. quickly, she rushed off to her room and threw open the door carelessly. without shutting it she pulled her suitcase out from underneath the bed, tearing through the different clothes as she tried to separate what was hers and what had been bellamy’s. “no, no, no, no,” she muttered in a panic after bringing varies shirts and hoodies of his up to her face. after spending so much time either lounging or sleeping in his shirts they were all starting to smell like her.

    tears began to well in her eyes as she shoved the suitcase off of the bed, letting out a scream of frustration. it was then she noticed jay standing in the doorway and all she could do was sink off the bed onto the floor. 

     defeated eyes filled with tears glanced up from the balled up hoodie in her hands to jay standing just inside the room now. this time when her bottom lip trembled she did nothing to keep the emotions at bay, instead she allowed the tears to flow down her cheeks. “... he’s not coming back,” she choked out as if she finally understood. her head shook as she clutched the hoodie that no longer smelled of her brother closer to her.

                      // @twicehard get’s a sad drabble.