#( eh & unglory )

[antiscorbutic]

welcome to my polar explorers sideblog !

books n things ive read / some thoughts etc (updated frequently)

> Endurance - Caroline Alexander

what I started with. v good read imo pretty succinct and flows nicely. not too hero-worshippy iirc, nice pictures

> The Worst Journey in the World - Apsley Cherry-Garrard

I read (listened to) the audiobook narrated by Simon Vance and really liked it! tbh I wasn't super deep in to all this when I started it and was kind of shocked at how readable it was. my favorite part is birdie's letter about the land crabs.

also in general it's really nice to get an actual pov account -- the secondary books are lovely for helping muddle through sources and stuff but I get annoyed with how much time is spent on the Famous bits and not the unglorious monotony, which i love hearing about. I gotta read some actual diaries

> Madhouse at the End of the Earth - julian sancton

JESUS I did not know anything about the belgica going in AND I'd just watched aliens (1986) and WHY are there narrative parallels this shouldn't be real??? also amundsen is a real freak (<- value neutral)

> Endurance (2024)

uhhh sorry kids I hated this. I know it's based on the guys book but like the parallel heroic narrative thing was so icky to me. also the AI voices were giving "we didn't want to pay voice actors" and!!! fucking pointless to end it when you find the ship I want to know about the ship!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to watch a doc about the ship not about some people who found the ship. tragic for me

> Shackleton (2002) - TV miniseries with Kenneth Branagh

actually loved this. there was clearly so much attention and care put in to little historical details and even with all the silly dramatic Kenneth monologues i really enjoyed it

> The Great White Silence (1924) - Herbert Ponting

fucking WILD that as a card carrying member of the attention-span-ruined tiktok generation that as soon as I found this I was GLUED to the screen for the full like 2.5 hours or however long it is. seriously jumpscared by the cat's racial slur of a name (as ever) but honestly it's a good reminder of the colonial context we're in here so I kind of appreciate it. anyway absolutely mind boggling to see this early footage of the adelie penguins etc when I grew up watching them in planet earth and have always kind of taken their existence for granted. and I think the telling of the actual polar journey was pretty touching for being obviously like the same 15 seconds of footage of a miniature

> Endurance - Alfred Lansing

eh I didn't need to read both this and the caroline alexander book. it was fine. I always wish they'd spend more time on the elephant island castaways and less time on the small boat journey. I get that that's the like, famous impressive part, but I'm here to be reminded of the horror that it is to be alive day after day and I think more time should be spent on that monotony. also he didn't talk about the post-expedition AT ALL and I need my little "where they are after the reality TV series ended" title cards

> Amundsen (2019)

didn't finish it. too much back-at-home drama not enough being on the ice

> The Last Place on Earth (1985)

I haven't read the scott v amundsen book it's based on but jesus whoever wrote that must have fucking hated scott. I'm not saying they're wrong necessarily I'm no expert i AM saying hes wrong fuck this guy!!!! but holy shit did scott look like an incompetent asshole even compared with all the other incompetent assholes. needed more screen time of young hugh grant as cherry

> basically any bbc special about explorers

PLEASE correct me if I'm missing anything but lord I stg every one of these is the worst pro imperialism hero worship bullshit of all time. "james cook was a really nice guy actually" are you fucking kidding me

> empire of ice and stone - buddy levy

this is my first arctic account and I have. a lot of thoughts and feelings about the way arctic expeditions interact w indigenous people that I don't want to get into here. truly baffled by the number of polar bears they interacted with. also fuck stefansson so much like okay fine you left the ship but go find it again??? fucking rescue them?????

> in the kingdom of ice - Hampton sides

okay this might be my favorite modern account I've read. I love how much context is provided ... like I have Thoughts and Feelings about John Muir but his diaries being included and GOD Emma's letters being interspersed was fucking devastating. definitely the most emotional I've gotten. and all the interludes to explain the geography of a region and what its called now or in russian and even all of the many chapters about bennett added so much for me. AND giving full accounts of each group after they split the party without one getting only briefly summarized in favor of the other but also without making the timeline confusing???? -- I say this all even though hampton committed what to me is the cardinal sin of these books: skipping time that's "boring". a whole year of monotony??? julian sancton only you understand me

> labyrinth of ice - buddy levy

augh. OUAGHE. oughe!!!! I am devastated. good book :(

> alone on the ice - david roberts

not my favorite .... the author is clearly bitter that mawson is not as famous and heroic to history as someone like shackleton. also I really think he should have stuck to a linear narrative structure instead of jumping around. zero mention of possible cannibalism

not historical but overlaps / scratched a similar itch:

> outlaw ocean - ian urbina

modern investigative journalism on lawlessness on the high seas. fucking hard to read because it's largely about like, human trafficking. even the "light" stories are still rough. really, really good read though and i liked hearing about recent trawling and whaling in the south and thinking about it in relation to historical whaling etc

> frozen planet (2011)

I mean I'm a huge sucker for any attenborough nature doc esp the planet earth extended universe but this was also specifically produced around the 100th anniversary of amundsen & scott reaching the pole and I love to think about the boys seeing the penguins and seals etc for the first time .... wonderful stuff

> the thing 1982

I think I'm probably the last person to watch this one so I don't think I can add much commentary but as someone who has seen approx. 3 horror movies and two were alien and aliens I did not think it was as scary as it could have been. I do like a horrible Beast though so maybe that's on me

currently in progress!!!!!!!!!

> Erebus - Michael Palin <- I have the ebook instead of the audiobook so I'm making my way through it slowly :-)

> ice ghosts - Paul watson

other things I have out from the library but haven't started:

> eight bears - Gloria dickie (not directly relevant but highly recommended to me)

> late Victorian holocausts - Mike Davis <- a little too academic for me to parse easily but Mike ily and I think it's healthy to read about other things happening around the same era

> left hand of darkness

> against the ice - Ejnar mikkelsen

> to the edges of the earth - Edward larson

^ huge s/o to @jesslovesboats's sad boat books lists btw for helping me find more sad boat books that my library has audiobooks of <3 (im very much an audiobook guy so while I'm frothing to read more diaries and shit I have a hard time with it. yet another tragedy for me personally)

[flawedhearts]

❛ Are you okay? Did they hurt you? ❜ / ROBB & ELLA

If it had been anyone else, she would have put up that headstrong front almost immediately. Nobody was allowed to see the emotional weakness of a Heart, alliances had to be forged from strength alone and as her parents often reminded her, those wolves from the North bit. Years ago, she might have been inclined to believe such claims but now, after years spent yearning for familiarity, it was hard to reconcile such an image with someone who had never once hurt her.

But by his very presence alone, she was under incredible scrutiny. Yet she wouldn’t turn Robb away, not if every instinct told her that her punishment for going past looking at him would be much worse than what she’d already received. Her blunt nails dug into her palm as she turned to look at him, and without prying eyes she was able to just take in what time had done to him.

As much as time hadn’t been friendly to Ella, he looked completely exhausted. Without much for a second thought she’d crossed the room in a heartbeat. For a moment she forgot about the bruises at her throat as she craned her neck to look up at him, “You’ve not been sleeping.” There was no room for argument, it was glaringly obvious to anyone who bothered to pay any attention.

“That is far worse than anything they’ve done to me here. You’re far more important than a former bannerman’s daughter.”

some meme i'm not looking for | @seekjoy

[rrrawrf-writes]

stuff i wrote at work 6

been in a bit of a banner mood lately. which is good bc he deserves so much more than i give him.

Banner had thought - had hoped, had prayed - that the ocean would be different. That he could stand to slip into the water without fear. But now he stood barely waist-deep, with little waves soaking the stomach of his shirt, and choked.

The next thing he knew, he had flung himself on the rocky beach, dry-heaving against a large stone and desperately clawing his way out of a veritable flood of memories - of being forced under deep, rushing water, the breath pushed out of his lungs by someone’s knee or fist, and held there until he was just a second away from drowning completely. Then he was pulled from the water, for just one precious moment of air, before they shoved him back into the river -

Stupid. Banner slammed his fist into the rock, flinching as the skin broke over his knuckles. Slumping down, Banner leaned back against the pitted stone and stared out across the ocean. The setting sun tinted it gold and pink; it was the kind of sunset poets wrote about. Banner wished he could enjoy it.

He was the son of a fisherman. The only parts of his childhood  Banner hadn’t spent in the sea or on a boat had been spent learning how to fight, like every other Eolan child in the village.

Now, he couldn’t even look at anything deeper than a puddle without bile rising in his throat.

He rubbed his face, unsurprised to feel tears rather than seawater running down his face. Banner sat there long into the night.

Three days later, he thought he would try a boat.

His father didn’t go out much anymore; his legs hurt too badly to manage a day of fishing. Banner’s older brother and his brood generally brought in a large enough catch to support them all. Between that, and the money Banner and his sister sent home, Tad and his wife managed a comfortable enough life, spending their retirement mending the village’s nets and sails, and tracking fishing grounds.

They still had the very same boat, though, that Banner had learned to navigate on as a boy. It was barely more than a skiff, suitable for lone fishing trips or teaching a thoroughly stupid child how to sail.

Banner felt just as stupid now as he had been twenty years ago. The water was a little choppy, but not so much that he couldn’t have handled it. He shoved the boat off long after all the fishermen had left, and he hoped no one was watching.

Nerves and lack of practice made him clumsy; Banner hadn’t gotten very far at all from the beach when he had turned the boat broadside to a wave he wasn’t watching. He was too preoccupied with stifling flashes of anxiety that came every time he looked at the water.

And so, of course, his inattentiveness dumped him in the water, like a forest boy who had never dipped his toe in a tidepool.

Banner was a strong swimmer. It was more instinct than conscious thought  that drove him back to the land, and safety. He hadn’t realized he’d reached dry sand until he was a good fifteen feet from the ocean.

He was coughing up saltwater and tears  when he realized that someone was watching him after all, and she was laughing her head off.

She at least retrieved the boat for him. Banner clenched his jaw as he sat bare-chested in the sun and waited for his shirt to dry.

“I cannot believe I just saw you tip over with my own two eyes.” Stephi cackled as she dropped carelessly next to him. She was soaked now, herself, but hardly seemed to mind. “Ha, you were always bragging about being a better sailor when we were kids - good thing the army got you before the navy did, eh?”

His sister elbowed him in the ribs with a wicked grin; Banner looked away, closing his eyes with a sigh. If the navy had conscripted him instead of the army, he wouldn’t be having this problem. Hell, he had been planning to enlist himself in the navy, before the army recruiters swept through the coastlines and took away every unmarried, able-bodied young man (and most of the women). Banner’s older brother had wedded just in time; Stephi had been just too young. She wasn’t to be outdone, however - while Banner was given the unglorious task of hunting bandits in the inland forests, Stephi enlisted herself. She somehow managed to become a member of the palace guard in Kydrei, of all things. Stephi lorded it over her brother every chance she got, as if seeing nobles on a daily basis made her better than him. He didn’t think she had seen a lick of real combat in her entire life.

In all fairness, though, Banner didn’t want her to.

“It’s been a while,” he said quietly, avoiding the real reason for his incompetence. If it had been anyone else, he thought he might get over it - but Stephi would never let this go.

“You looked terrified,” she gleefully went on. “Like you’d never been in the water before - haha, you should have seen yourself! Flailing in five feet of water, like a baby -”

“Let it go, Steph.”

She laughed again. “’Let it go,’ are you kidding me? That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You shot out of the water like a cat someone dropped in the well -”

“Stephi.”

“The army’s ruined you, Banner.” Stephi stood up again, brushing sand from her wet clothes. “First, you wouldn’t let us chase off those damned Cord merchants, and you roll over and show your belly every time one of those occupying bastards so much as look at you. Now you can’t even take a little salt bath without crying.”

Her laughter turned scornful; Banner’s face reddened when she asked, “When did my brother become such a dragons-cursed coward?”

Banner stood up and punched her in the face.

“I thought the two of you had grown out of all the petty squabbling by now.” Esseril set down a bowl of stew in front of Banner, before taking a seat across the table. Banner felt his black eye, shrugged, and looked away from his older brother. Stephi had given just as much as she had gotten; they were both bruised all over, now, and she had stormed off in a raging temper once they reached the village.

“She’s frustrated,” he said. “Can’t really blame her.”

Ess arched his eyebrows. “I can, and I will. She’s been riling up everyone in the village with even a little temper - she’ll get herself killed if she doesn’t rein herself in.”

Banner didn’t answer. He hadn’t realized that the land Eola gave to Cordell after losing the last war included his own village, not until he had reached the coast for a well-deserved leave of absence. Many families were talking of leaving, moving a little farther north until they were back in Eola proper. Many families’ youngsters, with Stephi at the head, were talking about driving the Cords out.

The silence trundled on a little longer, as Esseril enjoyed his late lunch without his many children to pester him, and Banner poked at bits of potato and fish, not really hungry. Finally, Ess sighed and pushed aside his bowl.

“Stephi says you capsized,” he murmured. Banner scowled, his face flushing with embarrassment. “Look, I - I appreciate a level head, Banner, you know I always have. But… there’s something wrong with you. I wish you would tell me about it.”

Banner stopped pretending to pretend he was eating, setting aside his spoon. It was a long, long moment before he spoke again. Esseril waited with the warm patience Banner had always admired, and tried to emulate. “I was - I was taken prisoner, in the war,” he said quietly.

Esseril took in a quiet breath. Banner stared out the window, refusing to look at his brother’s face. He knew that Ess wouldn’t be so cruel as to look down on him for being captured, but he couldn’t take the chance of seeing anything like pity or contempt. 

There wasn’t much he was allowed to explain to Esseril, and even less that he wanted to talk about. Another minute crawled by before Banner admitted, “They thought - I had information. They would take me to - to the river, and -”

He cut himself off, looking down at the table. Esseril reached over and tentatively placed his hand on Banner’s wrist, giving it a comforting squeeze when Banner didn’t draw back.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You don’t need to say anything else.”

Banner nodded gratefully. There had been much more than the river - the Cordellans had beaten him and worn him to exhaustion, and beyond, but the river had been the worst. Banner had loved the water; now, he couldn’t even take a boat out. It felt like betrayal.

After some time, he managed to start eating again. A little after that, Ess asked, “Does Stephi know?”

Banner snorted and shook his head. “She nearly whipped poor Lia’s boy the other day, just because his mother was from Cordell. No - if she knew, she’d try to murder the Cords in their sleep, and get herself flogged to death.”

Stephi would never let such a crime against her brother go. Banner appreciated her loyalty, even if the two of them still got into fistfights whenever they spent too long in each other’s presence, but he needed her to let this go. He hoped to be made captain when his leave was up; with that added money, he and Ess could afford to move their parents and all his little nieces and nephews up the coast, away from what had been given to Cordell. Stephi would get over it, eventually. She had to return from her leave in just a week and a half.

Hopefully, Banner and Esseril could keep her from leading a revolt.