#( devilsvenom. hc )

[devilsvenom]

ANNALISE & HER FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. - to be, inevitably, updated. ft. @reidhalstead @rosexhalstead @bookedrevenge @drownholywater-kennedy @nolanxthatcher @sntsatticus & @sntslomidzes tws: abandonment, loss, death, sedation, kidnapping all mentioned

When you're born into a family like the Halstead's, a normal childhood is not something you're ever going to get. Growing up she watched her older brother and sister train, until she was finally old enough to join in. She watched them in awe, and became determined to be just as good as them if not better. Her mother and father were not ones you could go to with normal problems; they didn't coddle you when you were sick or injured, they told you that you need to be better. If you weren't feeling well mentally or you had a problem not related to hunting or training, they'd tell you to deal with it. Annalise longed for parents who cared, but she never got it. She didn't know if Reid or Rose had ever experienced that, or if it was simply last-born syndrome, but the love and care of her parents is all she wanted from a young age.

Instead, she set out to make them proud via her training. She trained as hard as she could, for as long as she could, never tapping out unless she absolutely had to ( which of course, was heavily frowned upon and her parents would not be happy ). Her feelings surrounding abandonment stemmed from the loss of parental love that she saw so many others receive as she grew up. Once her parents came home and told them Reid was dead, it spiraled.

She became terrified of losing anyone close to her, whilst simultaneously pushing away most people she was close to. Annalise not only lost her brother, she lost the permission to train which meant that she was cut off from the Brotherhood members. She was only lucky that she had a few contacts saved so that she could continue her training in secret with them. People like Book and Kennedy took her under their wing, trained her whenever they had the spare time, but in the back of her mind all she could think about is them going on a hunt and never returning; or deciding that she wasn't worth the trouble. Book became the closest thing to an actual father figure she'd ever had, losing him would have ( and still would be ) completely gut-wrenching, and despite the age difference she considered Kennedy a dear friend that she was, and still is, terrified one day won't return. She knew that Kennedy came and went, but sometimes when more time passed than usual, she would feel the panic rise within her, feeling sicker with each day that passed thinking she would never see her again.

Any time Rose left the house, she was scared out of her mind that her sister wouldn't come back. One day, that became true, just not in the way she imagined. Her older sister moved out, leaving her with the parents that had become impossibly colder after their eldest sons death. Then, she didn't know they were lying to her; now she knows, she can see it if she reflects back hard enough, but she tries not to think about those times. Her anger after then was often aimed at Rose, leading to a complete breakdown in their relationship for years, and Annalise feeling that she had been abandoned by her only remaining sibling; another person lost.

With both siblings gone, fear of abandonment and loss viciously evolved into anger and rage. Her parents had no idea how to handle that version of Annalise, the whole house feeling like a powder keg ready to explode at any given moment. She finally turned eighteen and moved out without looking back. Despite hating her parents for how they decided to raise their children, she still mourned the little relationship they had, and the relationship that she so dearly yearned for that never existed. With her parents out of her life, and her being eighteen years old, it was her choice whether she wanted to join The Brotherhood officially, and continue with her training. She did instantly, the day she turned eighteen, and continued her training with Book and Kennedy in an official capacity. She ready quickly, and soon sent out on hunts.

She used her white hot rage against those she hunted, and her deep rooted anxiety to ensure they never left anyone behind. The people lost on the way, those that were injured, fueled her fears but the thought of them being taken away by those creatures made her continue. It was the lesser of two evils, losing someone on the job than losing them because they weren't culling the herd of supernatural creatures that descended on Port Leiry.

Her first relationship was with a witch, Nikko. The relationship was so natural to Annalise at first, but they quickly became messy. It was obvious from the start to her that Nikko was self-medicating to deal with his issues; she could understand it, but she hated watching him destroy himself. Lis knew that it couldn't be easy for him, the things he had to go through and the ghosts he had to deal with, but when she tried to offer her help, fix things, it backfired often. There would be many arguments about the drug use, and as the relationship went on it became clear to Annalise that he was an addict who had absolutely zero intentions of getting help, even if it was hurting him and his loved ones.

The addiction was ultimately the reason for their break up, neither of them being able to handle the toxicity that the relationship had spiraled into. Whilst she mourned the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship hit harder. They barely spoke once they broke up, and if they did it was often with harsh words exchanged. Recently they had a small break through when Lis turned up at Nikko's door, after being kidnapped and having her blood taken by Nolan. She was at the point of exhaustion, and Nikko looked after her and let her stay the night. Since then, they have been distant but friendlier, with Lis even asking Nikko to cat sit when needed.

She reconnected with Nolan at around the time she turned twenty, and the world became a little less harsh. Her first healthy relationship, and, though words were never exchanged, she fell for him quite quickly. He was a lot of firsts for Annalise, including the person she lost her virginity to. Though never sure that she really believed that virginity was nothing more than a social concept designed for society to have yet another way of attempting to control women, even she had to admit that she felt the connection with him deepen because of it. Something in her brings her back to him in times of trouble, even now. A trust that perhaps shouldn't be there, but always will be.

Eventually, they ended the relationship; their morals no longer aligned. Annalise would always be a hunter, for as long as she could, and Nolan sat on the opposite side, desiring to join them. There was no big argument, no big clash of words or actions - they just both knew it couldn't continue. Despite the amicability of it all, Lis felt the loss deeply. She had never told him that she loved him, at least not that she remembered, but she had done; the loss of her first love almost tore her apart but she threw herself head first into her work as a hunter, and they came back to each other from time to time to fulfill their sexual needs and desires.

His betrayal at the masquerade hit hard, grabbing her when all hell broke loose, ready and willing to trade her to a vampire - for what, she still wasn't sure. The details were still unclear, and she didn't think she'd ever get the answer, but the vampire wouldn't take her so instead Nolan kidnapped and sedated her, draining her blood until the protections of verbena was out of her system and then drained her blood some more, she assumed to sell to vampires. Aside from the blood draining, he didn't hurt her, he looked after her, but that was when she realised that the version of Nolan she thought she knew was lost.

Meeting Ezra was a whirlwind. A predator looking for its prey, and prey that thought itself the predator. They fought until exhausted, a sort of mutual respect forming after they had survived one another. They continued meeting like that, predator and prey circling one another with an intent to kill that wasn't followed through on due to an unspoken understanding. The Lomidze was the first vampire she had met that she didn't want to kill; she enjoyed the challenge, the understanding that they would play predator and prey but not follow through on ending the others life. It soon turned into more, if she was injured after their little game he would give her his blood, and she would return the favor from her wrist only, not trusting him near her neck yet. She became addicted and fast, not only to their game but his blood. Annalise found herself craving it, craving him, seeing her with her own eyes and ensuring that, yes, he was still safe and as alive as he was getting.

She realised that she cared for his life, cared if he lived or died, and would find herself angry at the thought of anyone taking him and these little meetings away from her. At the masquerade, they met and danced with one another, staying close for a while until just before the chaos broke loose. Once she was free from her kidnapping at the hands of Nolan, and helped by Nikko, she went to their meeting place and waited for him. The conversation they had wasn't like the ones in the past, them opening up to one another. I missed you, they had exchanged, talking about a life they could have travelling the world should she be like him. But she wasn't, and one way or another, she feared she would lose him. That night, she allowed him to drink from her neck.

Just before the Halloween 2024, her brother made a surprise reappearance in her life. He hadn't died, like their parents led her and Rose to believe, not truly. He had been taken from them on the hunt and turned into a vampire. She was glad to have him back, and would be forever grateful that he wasn't actually dead, but things were understandably very different. Every conversation an argument, instead of the loving big brother she remembered. Her protector had been taken from her, and turned into a self-proclaimed monster; she refused to see him that way, but even Annalise couldn't argue that things were very different, and not the same. Despite him being back in her life, she's terrified of him leaving again and now, he's been missing for months.

However, with Reid coming back, her relationship with her sister Rose has been on the mend. Whilst Annalise still struggles with the fact that her sister left her behind in such a toxic household, she can now understand how desperately Rose had to get out of there; she knows now that you can't look after anyone until you look after yourself first. Still, she was suddenly thrown back into the thought that siblings aren't guaranteed to stay when Rose checked herself into a mental health facility, and admitted she'd had thoughts of ending her life. Annalise is scared to her very core that she'll lose her sister to something she can't kill, can't protect Rose from; herself.

With her long, convoluted history with abandonment, loss and fear it's no wonder the fear still strikes hard daily. Most of her rage comes from loss, in one form or another, and she's often acting out of fear until those walls come crumbling down and she crawls to whichever person she thinks can handle the current breakdown.