#( also sylvain basing his entire mental health on his friends wellbeing just. tracks. lmfao )

[maligns]

❝ i know what i was in those days: vengeful, merciless." ( dmitri to sylvain)

@tempestflames / meme id. : sylvain gautier

he isn't wrong . dimitri states the fact like he's begging for comment ; for reassurance . it subsumes him in nostalgia . that summer haze , four children with hands muddied & cheeks pinkened , dimitri's wide blue eyes & effortless grin . sylvain remembers : he'd thought that even as his life spiralled out of his control , he could , at the very least , have this for himself . today , he wavers between ten & twenty , going on thirty . eyes meeting a pair of dulled sapphires over a council table . they are both tired .

" i know . " sylvain says , muted . he'd tried his best to deal with the fallout as he always did then , but his methods only pale as a distraction , for himself & for others -- he knows well . a tang of frustration wells up , like blood in a cut . the intended recipient isn't dimitri , nor himself -- it's the age old burn of anger in light of the shitty hand of cards dealt to them by lady luck . to hell with her . he tries to inject kindness in his tone , a jagged , broken boy with his endless masks . " i ... i know . but it doesn't matter . " is this what dimitri wants from him ? the words on his script don't quite align , wavering on the page . he could be wrong . " as long as you're here with us all now , your highness . i promise i'll stand by you . "

it's true ; he would follow dimitri to the ends of the earth , but not for the reason the man thinks . not out of loyalty / belief , or trust . it's something deeper than that . it's a desperation for dimitri to be alright , to be his constant ; lest he lose himself . dimitri , he wants to call out , but the syllables catch in his throat . he doesn't know how to be himself anymore , after pretending for so long . eventually , he settles for , " i'm glad you're doing better . " it's the most genuine thing he's said this whole conversation . he's trying .