#( THREAD 02. ┊ KAZ & INEJ; LOVE LETTERS TO THE FORGOTTEN. )
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In the end, Kaz was relieved that the letter had been left on his desk at the Slat, relieved that he hadn't needed to put effort into shrouding his reaction from those around him. He'd entered and closed the door, hung up his coat and hat, pulled off his gloves and tucked them into his coat pocket. A long sigh had escaped him — it was always a relief too, especially lately, to escape prying eyes. He was forced to pretend he cared little about the fact that Inej — his Wraith, as they all called her, as if Inej could ever really be his — had left to pursue her purpose.
There had been other reasons for her indefinite departure, that Kaz knew for a fact, but ... she hadn't shared her reasons with him. In truth, he'd likely sabotaged any attempt she may have made to do so, as the emotions that had engulfed him, that churned relentlessly enough to practically tear him apart, had made it incredibly difficult for him to allow anything vulnerable to resurface.
It had felt like a blade sinking into his stomach, protective armor having been carefully, meticulously removed — although, to be fair, he hadn't been able to remove all of it, not yet. Regardless, it had been enough to suffer a deep wound, just like every single time he'd ever tried to stop guarding. Neither of them knew when, or if, Inej was coming back. Kaz had given her freedom, he wanted her to be beholden to no one, not even him, despite all of the schemes to bind her to him that had been devised in his mind, practically on their own. He couldn't trap her again, he wouldn't, no matter how badly he wanted her to stay.
But the pain of her absence felt like a loss, one he doubted be could survive if it really was one — he'd begun to patch himself up as best he could on his own. After all, he'd spent most of his life doing that very thing, hadn't he? However, as his gaze drifted over to his desk and he caught a glimpse of the envelope — when he recognized Inej's handwriting — it felt as though that wound were tearing open once more. Kaz felt the stirrings of something like hope, but more than anything, he was terrified of the words he'd find written on the page. He limped over to his desk, resting his cane against it before opening one of the lower drawers where he kept a flask of brandy. He sank down into his chair and removed the cap before taking a long swig from the flask. He relished in the way the alcohol burned at the back of his throat, briefly distracting him from the growing ache in his chest.
Kaz capped the flask and set it off to the side ... then he took the envelope, another sharp, painful twinge surging through him at the sight of his name written in her elegant scrawl. He took another breath, steeling himself, before opening it, unfolding the paper within. Briefly, he smoothed his fingers along the underside of the paper, feeling the indents of the words she'd written herself, holding parchment that she too had held between her hands. So close and yet, so painfully far. Finally, he began to read and instantly, he felt such bittersweet warmth and affection flood through him — he couldn't have stopped the small, crooked grin from blooming across his features if he'd tried.
Dear Inej, Jesper can make his own decisions, he is always free to say no — Wylan just prefers to avoid the life we've all lead despite the fact that he's set his affections on a gang member, a sharp shooter and a thief. Despite the fact that he became a member of the Dregs himself, even if it's never been official. He's one of us, no matter how much he tries to distance himself from it and that is something he needs to accept. Besides, sometimes I need a sharp shooter. Why would I choose anyone but the best? I don't expect you to apologize, nor do I ask it of you. You have your freedom and I know you have your reasons, your own demons to face, just as I have mine. We both know, too, that I am far from blameless, Inej. I'm trying to take responsibility for those parts I am to blame for — I've spent far too long putting myself in the right for pushing you away, for causing you pain and ... if you do return, which I do hope you will someday, it's only fair that I own up to the fact that I was often wrong. I don't resent you—
Kaz paused, hesitating. I don't resent you, I miss you terribly. That was what he wanted to say, but ... even on paper, he couldn’t get the words out. Begrudgingly, he decided to leave it at that.
—I don't resent you. If I have a heart, the key to it roams the True Sea, Inej. I won't ask you to return; I know how much your dream, the purpose you've found, means to you. Those slavers never stood a chance against you — and they deserve everything that's coming for them. I leave the window open and the crows always come seeking you, but all they find is me. I suppose I should feed them in your stead to ensure they won't give up on the chance they might see you again someday, too. Take care of yourself, Wraith — while I don't care for your Saints, I know more than anyone how much strength they give you. That strength has always been yours alone and it has always been there, Saints or no. Try to remember that. May luck and fortune find you wherever you go. — Kaz Brekker.
Kaz wasted no time in sealing the letter and mailing it. Partially because he didn't want to lose his nerve, partly because he was eager to get another reply ... and of course, he was terrified still, too. And, if he later took the time to put together something of a book under lock and key where he intended to stash every single letter Inej sent him from then on, well ... that was his business, wasn't it?
@esotericdescent
The waves seemed to rock the ship this way and that. Inej sat in the small but cozy Captain's chamber. There was a bigger one but she'd left that to her first mate.
A piece of paper and a small pot of blue ink lay in front of her. Inej has been staring at it since way before noon and still, she didn't know what to write. Her crew would call their Captain back to the deck soon... So she settled for the truth.
"Better hard truths than kind lies." Inej thought, then picked up the quill and started to write.
Dear Kaz,
Jesper tells me you're still getting him and Wylan into trouble... Wylan asked me to make you stop. I think you and I both know that this isn't within my power.
I can't tell you where I am, closing in on a ship carrying potential Indentures. I need to strike the target where it's not expecting me to strike. A very talented thief taught me that.
I don't write these phrases to apologize and I can't offer you an explanation. Not yet. Maybe not ever...
This is not your fault, please don't put the blame on yourself like I know you will, don't let my decisions become a part of your pain. I would understand if you resented me for it.
You once offered me freedom, but how can I ever truly be free when the place of my nightmares also holds the key to my heart.
I'm watching the Ink dry and it reminds me of you, bent over the ledgers of the Crow Club, the smell of coffee and paper and scheming in the air.
I'm carrying a part of you with me on this endeavor...
Please don't ask me to return.
I will keep you in my prayers despite all objections.
Inej
#therooftopsofketterdam#( IC; KAZ. )#( T; POST CK. )#( V; SIX OF CROWS DUOLOGY. )#( CHAR DYN; THEROOFTOPSOFKETTERDAM ┊ i didn't realize how deep the hollow feeling in my chest was until it was gone. ┊ KAZ & INEJ. )#( THREAD 02. ┊ KAZ & INEJ; LOVE LETTERS TO THE FORGOTTEN. )#sorry this one took me so long but !!!!!!
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