#( I want my life back. I want myself back ; visage (( Kate )) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kurishiri · 23 days ago

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epilogue . . . alfons main story — blind love (with letter)

꒰ ִ ֺ ⊹ @ notice ⊹ ֺ ִ ꒱ this translation may not be 100% accurate or contain creative liberties due to characterization or narrative flow purposes. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost these or claim these as your own!

— cw: a bit suggestive.

To him, love was a fleeting thing, and the everyday fragile.

So, that was why every day and every second, I wanted to engrave his heart and body, and hold it dear.

——That was how I loved this beloved illusion.

Kate: Roger, I found an account from this church that could be of interest.

Roger: Hm? Which one? Let me have a look.

Sometimes I would go to the basement, continuing to research matters concerning the ‘Curse of the Mirror’ alongside Roger.

Reading through documents was a given, but we would also narrow down places and people to conduct interviews as well.

(And Alfons is... ah, he’s sleeping.)

He seemed adverse to cooperating in the research, but for some reason, Alfons would accompany me every single time,

always spending his time freely, fiddling around with the tools for experiment, reading a book, or sleeping on the bed used for examinations and the like.

Roger: Al, lend your arm real quick.

Alfons: Whaaat...? ...No way. You are probably trying to draw blood from me yet again anyhow, no? Are you that smitten by my blood, you deviant?

Roger: For sure, I do like the valuable sample to monitor the blood transfusion process that is your blood.

Although his expression was distorted by displeasure, he would end up cooperating once every ten times.

(Hehe... he reminds me of a moody cat.)

Seeing Alfons’ profile cheered me up, and once again I turned back to the documents,

so that I wouldn’t forget the visage of the one who bore the Curse of the Mirror.

—— Time skip ——

Kate: Thank you for accompanying me again today.

Alfons: Hardly. If anything, thank you for your hard, albeit fruitless work today.

Kate: Hehe, it’ll bear fruit in the end, so you can rest easy.

Alfons: Yes, yes, I very much look forward to that.

(Ah... there it is again.)

Alfons would sometimes look at me with his eyes narrowed, as though he were looking at something bright.

(I like when he does that... it’s like he’s trying to burn the sight into his memories.)

Just as much as myself, it felt like Alfons, too,

tried to engrave me into his heart and body.

Alfons wasn’t one to say things like ‘I love you’ or ‘I like you’ very liberally,

so finding the ‘truth’ in these small gestures of his had grown into a habit of mine that made me happy.

Alfons: Ahh, also, Kate.

Kate: Yes...?

Alfons: I will be out once again tonight. And I won’t be returning until the next morning, so you can head to bed first.

I wanted to ask, ‘Where are you going?’ but I swallowed the words down.

—— Flashback ——

Alfons: When it comes to playing at night, it does pain me to say, but I reckon I won’t be able to stop that. It’s my hobby, pleasure, and my life work, you see.

A: The same applies to drinking and going around showing illusions——but.

A: I would very much like to try my best loving you back to the fullest.

A: So, when it comes to kisses, loving caresses, and sex... I won’t do it with anyone but you.

—— End flashback ——

I had yet to tail him to see whether his not doing such things with ‘anyone but me’ was true.

(After all... I believe in his words.)

That said, on days he went out to the city at night, I would end up thinking about nothing but him.

And when I thought about how even on those nights, Alfons carved himself deeply within me, it was endearing.

Kate: ...Alright. Have a good night out then.

Alfons: Ahha! Then how about not making such a blatantly lonely face?

Kate: ? I’m not really lonely. This is the norm, isn’t it...

Alfons: Well that leaves me in quite a pickle then. By all means, please feel the loneliness even at the norm.

Kate: Wha...

Alfons: Well then, until tomorrow.

With that, he pecked my cheeks before departing for the entrance.

(Jeez... first he says don’t make a lonely face, only for him to say right after to feel lonely...)

Roger: That guy’s pretty full of himself, huh?

Kate: R-Roger... So you were listening?

When I turned around, Roger was in the middle of the staircase leading to the basement, a mischievous smile on his face.

Roger: How about I keep you company while he’s not around, if you’re lonely?

Kate: No, it’s fine. I really am not lonely at all.

Roger: Ho-oh?

After sparing a glance toward the entrance, where Alfons disappeared,

in one smooth motion, Roger grabbed my chin and——

Roger: I think I get what Al was saying. The way your lips pout when you’re sulking is pretty cute.

Kate: ——mngh!?

He then stole my lips as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Kate: Wh... why this all of a sudden...!?

In a panic I pushed him away, and Roger quirked his lips up, not showing an ounce of remorse.

Roger: ‘Cause you’re a good woman who acts tough even when lonely, and Al’s full of openings.

(W...what should I do...)

Kate: And after Alfons told me he wouldn’t kiss anyone but me...

Roger: ... (O_O)

R: Pfft, haha! I see now, lil lady, so that’s what you were all hung up on.

Paying no mind to how I was growing pale, Roger stifled his laughter, amused.

Kate: ...? What else could I mean but that?

Roger: Haha... nothing, I say. Nothing. Sorry for teasing you. I won’t do it anymore, so you can relax.

R: Ahh, but if he makes you cry, I might end up doing something I shouldn’t.

R: I happen to like crying faces, you know.

Kate: Wh—absolutely not...! I don’t intend to cry anyway!

Roger’s lips quirked egotistically, and as if running from him, I ran up the stairs.

And then——the next day.

(Yesterday’s kiss... was on me, for not being on my guard.)

(I’ll have to be more careful from now on so there is no next time at all.)

(...It wasn’t as though I was going out of my way to make Alfons feel bad, so I think this matter is best kept a secret.)

Alfons: Why, what’s got you so positively troubled, Kate?

Kate: Eek...!?

He gave a poke to my side, causing me to jump up.

Alfons: Aha, quite sensitive, are you? Could it be in a lascivious kind too?

Kate: No, it just tickled...!

Alfons, who had returned in the morning, just woke up, and with his shirt disheveled from sleeping, he let out an amused laugh.

(Yeah, I think that matter should definitely stay a secret...)

(It’s not like Alfons tells me what he does at night either, so...!)

As a change of pace, I announced my plans for today.

Kate: Anyway, more than that, today’s the day I draw your portrait, right?

Alfons: Why of course, clear as day. Ah, perhaps I should take this off?

Kate: No, the way you are right now is fine.

Alfons placed his hands on his shirt button, when I stopped him and pushed him down on the chair.

Alfons: If the ink is going to disappear, you wanted to test out making a painting in its stead?

A: And the day before that, by that same line of logic, you also took photos, no?

A: Oh, and sometime before that, I seem to recall you using a gramophone or some recent technology like that to record my voice...

Kate: Just in case, okay! Anyway, stay still now.

Alfons: Yes, alright.

After some bantering, Alfons crossed his long legs and rested his chin on his hand.

I set up the easel and canvas, then began to sketch.

Alfons: So you can paint pictures as well, can you, Kate? I didn’t know.

Kate: But I can’t draw? That’s why I’m practicing.

K: But I’ll be good at it by the time I become a grandma, and I’ll become a master artist.

Alfons: Ahha! Are you implying you intend to live with me until your elderly years?

A: What rose-colored glasses you must wear, given your partner works for an assassination organization.

(Of course, I do know that. And nobody knows when death comes knocking either.)

The things I’m doing right now also may not amount to much when it comes to overcoming his fate as well.

(But, even so...)

Kate: But that’s exactly why I want to engrave this moment we’re living together in me.

Alfons: ...Hehe, what an earnest soul.

Once again, Alfons kept his eyes on me as though he were looking at something dazzling.

Every time I looked at him to make sure I got his figure, my eyes would meet with that look I’ve come to hold so dear, causing my heart to skip a beat.

(I-I have to focus.)

As if to rid myself of any distractions, I moved the charcoal. But...

(This... I can’t even say this can even amount to a ‘lack of skill.’)

The more lines I connected, the more despair I felt at the result.

Alfons: Is there something wrong? You’ve been growing ever more paler, dare I say.

Kate: Ah, don’t move from there... agh, don’t look!

Alfons: Let’s see now——

The moment he laid his eyes on the canvas with the disastrous drawing on it,

Alfons, paying no mind to any consideration, pointed at the painting and burst out laughing.

Alfons: Ahaha! T-this... are you telling me that’s a person, by any chance? Ahahahaha!

Kate: From now on, I say! From now on, I’ll get better!

Alfons: Hah... truly, you are quite interesting.

After laughing so hard to the point of tears, Alfons took the charcoal from my hand.

Kate: Ah...!

Alfons: Say, Kate.

A: If you do want to improve... wouldn’t it be better to get to know my body even more?

Kate: ...!

Hearing his seductive tone——my body started to sweetly ache suddenly, as if a switch had flipped on then and there.

My fingers, no longer holding the charcoal after having been taken away by Alfons, was tempted toward the buttons on his shirt.

Kate: ...Your shirt... it’ll get stained...

Alfons: Then by all means, go ahead and stain it, with your fingers.

He went out of his way to use suggestive wording as he relished my reactions.

(I know that... and yet...)

He made me imagine lewd scenarios, as expected, and my body became wet on its own with anticipation.

(...It’s like I’m being trained to Alfons’ tastes,)

(and it is embarrassing... but it also makes me happy.)

After all, it was proof that he was carving his love into me——

And I ended up feeling happy, to a hopeless extent.

When I took off his buttons, Alfons invited my fingertips within.

Alfons: See now, if you touch me like this... you can get to know my figure better, no?

Kate: ...!

While being guided by him, my fingers went from his chest to his stomach, as though tracing his muscles——

Kate: ah... Alfons...

Alfons: Make sure you remember this shape well, alright?

——By the time I touched his heat, I had already fallen into his sweet trap.

—— Time skip ——

Alfons: You took my picture, recorded my voice, and even made a painting... but in the end, none of them may be left behind, you know.

After the sketching gradually devolved into a sweet moment in bed——

I was sulking while Alfons was playing languidly with my hair with an amused smile.

Alfons: I actually did not like photos, you know?

Kate: ...Really?

Alfons: Indeed. All that to say, you have taken my virginity when it comes to photos, so be sure to take responsibility for that.

He booped the tip of my nose, and my heart throbbed sweetly in response, having forgotten I was sulking before.

(Alfons, who had tried to throw aside this relationships without taking responsibility and disappear,)

(was now saying binding words to this relationship, like ‘take responsibility’ and whatnot...)

I felt happiness bubble up inside me at that——but at the same time, I remembered something I had felt guilty about.

(Here Alfons is, trying his best to love me to the fullest,)

(so thinking I should keep a secret from him... is not really good, is it.)

Kate: U-um... Alfons, actually, I have something I need to apologize for...

Alfons: Well I’ll be, an amusing feeling does tickle me. So, what is it?

Kate: I...

K: While you were out, I got kissed by Roger.

Alfons: ......... (O_O)

Kate: So, I’m really sorry...

After a bout of surprise——Alfons burst out laughing, his shoulders trembling.

(W-why is he laughing...?)

Alfons: Ahh... you...really are... hehe——

A: For the record, if it’s a ‘kiss you don’t really mean,’ then by all means, go kiss however many times you fancy.

Kate: Wha—!? But, you said you wouldn’t do it with anyone but me...

Alfons: It hardly counts if you were forced into it anyhow, no? That’s nothing but an accident, I’d say.

(Oh, I see, thank goodness… hm? But wait…)

Kate: Wouldn’t that mean you also don’t count such kisses then?

Alfons: Oopsie, that was my bad. I got a tad loose-lipped there.

Kate: ………Ever since you told me you would only kiss me, how many times have you kissed?

Alfons: Weeell, my memory is quite a bit foggy. Perhaps two or three times, if I had to guess?

(I swear, this man——!)

Going on top of him, I pressed my lips on his in a reckless motion.

I found it frustrating how his lips took in mine with an amused smile playing on them.

Kate: Mm… Alfons, you good-for-nothing, you!

Alfons: Oh, I am very well aware of that.

Kate: You womanizer! Liar! Pervert!

Alfons: Why, that last one does have a positively nice ring to my ears, yes?

Kate: Eek…

I tumbled down onto the bed, our positions reversed.

The springs of the bed sounded as Alfons went on top of me.

Alfons: And… have you come to dislike this good-for-nothing, womanizer, liar and pervert?

Kate: …I……! ——!

While doing things he shouldn’t, he already knew how I would answer as he smiled like the devil.

And as if to burn the sight of each of my reactions in him——his eyes narrowed like he was looking at something bright.

(There he goes again, playing with my feelings like a toy and teasing me… he really is out there.)

(But…)

Kate: I… I like… it…

(I can’t bear to think about a life without you in it anymore.)

Alfons: And I as well, Kate.

Those lips, curved up in an arc, showered kisses on me.

I didn’t want this playful exchange between us to end.

Until they were engraved into my memory, and left a scar that would never fade away, I wanted it to last forevermore.

Today as well, a gloomy darkness blanketed over London, as always.

The man who went around showing illusions as a temporary escape from reality threw his body into the darkness of the night once again.

Roger: Heading out again? You just never learn, do you.

Alfons: I could very much say the same for you. Do you find it that fun to talk with me?

Roger: Well, if only I could find out what you’re really up to, what with you making her lonely and uncertain every time.

Alfons: And what makes you think I would openly share that with you?

Roger: Beats me. But if there ever comes a day you don’t come back the next morning, I’ll be taking the lil lady.

R: ——What would you do, if I said that?

Alfons: Ahha! Are you insinuating that I’ll once again up and kick the bucket just like that?

With a smile, Alfons turned toward Roger.

Alfons: The prospect of dying first can dig itself in a ditch for all I care.

A: Even if it’s by one minute — or even by a single second — I will die after Kate.

A: After all, I would just loathe to be forgotten by her, you see.

A: Ahh, and before I forget——

Roger: …!

He grabbed Roger by the collar and pulled him in.

With a smile plastered on his face, those ashy gray eyes seemed to contain an icy, murderous intent.

Alfons: …The next time you kiss Kate, I will bite off these lips of yours.

Spitting out those words as if trying to hit him with them, he turned his back and frock coat on the castle and departed.

Roger: I see now. …So even the way he loves is a handful.

As Roger saw him off, he immediately heard two people’s footsteps.

Kate: …Oh, Roger, what good timing.

Roger: Hm? What’s up, lil lady… and is that Elbert?

Elbert: I was taking a stroll… when Kate called out to me…

Kate: Roger, could you help with tail… or rather, umm, oh yes, that’s it!

K: Could you accompany us… on this stroll while watching his back?

Roger: …So the lil lady’s love is also the same.

Kate: Did you say something…?

Roger: Nope, I was just talking to myself.

To him, love was a fleeting thing, and the everyday fragile.

So that’s why, no matter if it was night or day, he would play me and drive me to insanity——that was his way of love.

He seemed to enjoy it more since falling in love with me.

And today as well, I was being played by this villainous, yet ever endearing illusion.

To you, my beloved

I tried to add on ‘my beloved’ and whatnot.

So, how goes it? Did your heart skip a beat or two?

I’m the one who wrote it of my own volition, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

After all, this is the first time ever writing something as colorful as ‘my beloved’... it just seemed like I wasn’t myself, like this wasn’t reality at all.

However, when looking at those words, I am sure that more likely than not, you would have a happy grin on your face, and when I thought of that, it wasn’t a bad feeling.

Ah, wouldn’t you say this has come to sound a bit like a love letter? I suppose I really can do it if I try.

Someday, the words I’ve penned on this paper with this ink will fade to nothing.

So that’s why, Kate, engrave these words in your eyes and your mind... so you may never forget.

And now at this point, it’s become a tad like a cursed letter, so I will end it around here.

Ahh, it completely slipped my mind to write out a naughty invitation that you so seem to enjoy. Indeed, how unlike me.

What shall it be tonight... Well, I suppose I’ll use this quill to play a little prank on your body. Do look forward to it, alright? Well then, until next time.

← prev fin. both ends clear

masterlist🪞 ╱ ko-fi ☕️

꒰ ִ ֺ ⊹ @ tags🏷️ ⊹ ֺ ִ ꒱ @drachonia @.comment, send an ask off anon, or dm to be added or removed!

#help #its so soft.. 🥹🤍#ikemen villains #ikevil #イケメンヴィラン #ikevil alfons #ikevil alfons sylvatica #alfons sylvatica #ikemen villains alfons #cybird ikemen series #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #ikemen series #otome game #otome #ikevil translation #ikevil translations #div: cafekitsune; kthice #sig render: drachonia

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parfumieren · 1 year ago

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Amanda (Amanda Lepore)

Of all the celebrities in the world, I chose her. I could have had Britney, J.Lo, Maria, Fergie, Celine, or Elizabeth Taylor-- heck, even Tilda Swinton, if androgyny was so compelling….

But no. My very deliberate first choice of celebrity perfume came from an aging transgender socialite with a rampant cosmetic surgery addiction and four dance-mix EPs that can best be described as unlistenable.

Why her? Why Amanda Lepore?

For those not in the know, Amanda Lepore is the steely-yet-vulnerable, thoroughly unshockable, plastic-fantastic queen of Manhattan's stygian depths. During the legendary '90's, Amanda ran with the likes of James Saint James, Richie Rich, DJ Keoki, and the Club Kids' notorious Svengali, Michael Alig. Her über-smooth, surgically-enhanced visage -- complete with cherry-red lips pumped full-to-bursting with collagen -- provided photographer and lifelong friend David LaChappelle with decades of inspiration. On the other hand, it's also attracted a particularly nasty brand of social editorial, scathing in its rejection of the blurred gender line.

But rest assured, I am not here to wield that weapon.

On the surface, Amanda's world is as far from my world as Pluto is to the sun. But I have been attracted to it all my life. I myself have walked the gender identity tightrope, as have many of my idols: David Bowie, Patti Smith, Nico and Candy Darling, Lili Elbe, Justin Vivian Bond, Kate Bornstein, Charles Busch, John Cameron Mitchell, Eddie Izzard, Divine. I identify more with these outlaws of the gender frontier than I do with Britney & Co. any day. And because of all this, I desperately wanted Amanda not to fail. I longed to see her perfume blow away all the haters and baiters and nasty naysayers.

Due to its limited production (only 5,000 bottles released) and prohibitive price tag ($900+), it appears that precious few samples of Amanda ever made their way into the hands of reviewers. Most journalists, online and off, merely recycled the most shocking snippets from the office press release. Its bottle (encrusted with 1,000 Swarovski crystals!) and its preposterous ingredients (red lipstick! Steamed rice! A dash of real Cristal® champagne"!) set Amanda up to be a magnificent train wreck.

Yet Luca Turin swore up and down that the damned thing had merit. He raved about the marvelous job done by Christophe Laudamiel to harness and tame its sizable iris content (which -- more than any amount of tacky bling -- surely accounted for that massive price tag).

If this was the Holy Grail of trash fragrances, loyalty drove this kitten to undertake a quest. In the end I found a tiny decant listed at a 60% percent discount-- perfect for me, since naturally I don't have a month's rent to spend on a single perfume. What else could I do? I snapped it up.

While waiting for its delivery, I confess I began to suffer from buyer's remorse. Had I really stopped to consider what a former Club Kid's perfume might smell like? I envisioned sweaty cleavage encased in a cruelly boned corset, whose black organza and lace had absorbed an evening's worth of subway stench, cigarette smoke, spilled bubbly and lightly toasted ketamine. (What can I say? I've read AND watched Party Monster far too often for my own good.) Even worse, I imagined the smell of the corset's matching black lace panties. A boozy, sexy, sticky, spent-all-night-at-the-club-and-can't-be-bothered-to-shower-now sort of smell. An ANGEL sort of smell.

What the hell had I done?

When Amanda arrived, I sat staring at the spray sample vial as if it held Eau de Kryptonite. I decided to apply it after a shower, not bothering to dress in case I found myself forced to break a land-speed record to get back under the hot spray.

Please, god, please-- don't let it be a scrubber, I found myself chanting. Come on, Amanda….

The first note shocked me cross-eyed. Are you fucking serious? I heard myself saying aloud. Apparently, yes she is. Delicate, delicious, and without a doubt feminine, here was the scent of steamed rice. When I first read those words in the press release, I'd thought it was a joke. But what now rose from my wrists was a remarkable facsimile of steamer-cooked Japanese short-grain brown rice, bran-rich and faintly woody. A mandarin note rode atop it, veiled as daintily in curls of steam as Lady Godiva in her long golden tresses. (Again, Amanda: are you fucking serious?)

A faint hint of fruity plastic -- the so-called "lipstick" accord -- followed, tailed by a tinge of something alcoholic. Cristal®? More like Gekkeikan. Yes, it was the unmistakable scent of warm plum sake. After expecting to be clocked in the head with a disco ball, to be ushered instead into the tatami room of a traditional kaiseki restaurant was near about the limit. The repast Amanda set before me was simple, impeccable, refined-- but she wasn't finished with me yet.

After ten minutes, the iris kicked in. The scent of iris shares so many olfactory characteristics with the notes that came before it -- rice, steam, gluten, wood, even plastic -- that I found myself whispering, Yes, yes, of course, I see it! It's not listed, but I trusted my own nose and that of Luca Turin: there's iris in here, all right. (In fact, I think that perhaps it alone creates that starchy-steam accord.)

After an hour, I was still fully engaged with the interweave of Amanda's three main accords: iris, rice, mandarin. At any given moment, one seemed more prominent than the others-- but a moment later, it gracefully ceded the foreground to another. I kept expecting a hostile takeover by something loathsome a la Angel, but it never came. Over and over, eternal, tranquil, they braided closely around one another - iris, rice, mandarin.

The watershed moment came when my spouse came home from work. I'd warned him that morning that my pulse points would be the staging area for an experiment-- possibly hazardous. Now I held my arm out to him. Correctly gauging the smile on my face as a green light, he leaned in cautiously to inhale, then nodded.

"That's really nice; what is that?" he said.

"It's Amanda," I replied.

"It's quieter than I expected," he said. "Pleasant."

"A keeper?"

"A keeper."

That night I wore it to an art gallery opening. With my spouse by my side and Amanda on my skin, I felt as though I was in the best of company. How does that song go?

Well she's all you'd ever want; She's the kind you'd like to flaunt and take to dinner. Well she always knows her place; She's got style, she's got grace-- she's a winner. She's a lady… and the lady is mine.

--Tom Jones "She's A Lady"

Scent Elements: Iris, mandarin, strawberry, woods, cucumber, "red lipstick", "steamed rice", and "champagne" accords. And Amanda. Beautiful, fascinating, unforgettable Amanda.

#amanda #amanda lepore #perfume review #parfümieren

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highdramas · 4 years ago

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your song, vol. 1 | rockstar!bucky

𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕

rockstar!bucky barnes x fem!reader, some slight peter parker x reader in later parts (unrequited)

word count: 2429

warnings: references to sex, language, references to drug and alcohol use in later parts, age gap, slow burn-ish

summary: it’s not summer without you. or, that’s what your favorite rockstar always says. it’s all happening.

it is the summer of 1978, and everyone calls you rhiannon, and it has never occurred to you to mind.

really, it was sort of nice. rhiannon is a daredevil. rhiannon goes on tour with bands. rhiannon inspires songs and reads tarot and knows how to light up a room with a smile. rhiannon gets asked if she’s, like, the rhiannon. the rhiannon who rings like a bell through the night.

you’re not. but you’re not going to tell them that.

and, sure, you know that you’re capable of all of these things-- but it’s different when they’re calling you rhiannon.

it’s different when he is calling you rhiannon.

you’ve become somewhat of a myth in the california rock ‘n roll scene. groupies have flocked to you-- and you have somewhat rejected the term. found it degrading, the way that rock stars and fans spoke about groupies. it had been your personal mission during the summer of 1977 to change the way that men in rock spoke about women.

the summer that you met bucky barnes.

really, it wasn’t bucky that you had set your eyes on initially. initially, you’d shown up with his friend, steve rogers, the drummer. you and your group of band aids (you were still coining the name) had an in backstage and the second you had seen steve, you were a bit smitten. he wasn’t your typical rockstar. there was something kind about him, something genuine. he looked at you less like he wanted to fuck you and more like he wanted to know you.

it wasn’t until later that you met bucky. later, once you set out on tour with them.

when you found out that steve had a girl back home and he was simply being kind to you, it had reminded you of your mission. your mission to show all of these men what exactly women had to contribute to music and its existing scene-- and that it was more than being a side piece. more than being a fun distraction on the road.

that was the moment that you swore you would not fall in love with a rockstar.

the hotel you all had checked into was absolutely lavish. it was extravagant and beautiful, high ceilings and marbled floors and the shiniest doorknobs that you’ve ever seen. it’s 3:30 in the morning and the girls-- america and kate being your favorite of the whole bunch-- are out with the guys at the bar. you’re sure that they’re requesting brooklyn songs-- later on, you’d give bucky shit for suggesting that their band name should just be brooklyn. you give steve even more shit for going along with it.

after the revelation with steve, normally, you’d be in the mood to party. but you feel like shit and you fell asleep wrong on the bus and your neck is killing you. you don’t want to be a vibe killer, so you tell the girls to go on without you and maybe you’ll catch up with them later.

instead, at some point, you pad down to the pool. there is one lone figure sitting by an illuminated neon sign. it’s only when you’re within feet that you realize that it’s bucky.

of all of the members of brooklyn, you’d gotten to know bucky the least in the past week that you’ve been on the road with them. steve, sam, and natasha were all nice-- nicer than nice. steve and sam especially, but you knew why.

natasha is nice-- direct and passionate about what she does. and what she does is sing. you always said that brooklyn would be nothing if it wasn’t for nat’s husky vocals and insane songwriting.

then there’s bucky. the guitarist.

kate has been touring with brooklyn awhile now-- went with them on the europe leg. now she’s with their manager, clint, and she seems to know all the gossip. when you asked what was up with bucky-- why he was so quiet, why he didn’t like to party with the others, kate had given you that thousand watt smile and said-- “alright, don’t tell anyone about this, ‘specially buck, but he’s sober. couple years now, from what i hear. it’s real hard for him, being on the road.”

then, your mouth had made a slight o, you had nodded your head, and kate shone like the light she is before dashing off to find clint.

you’re brought back to that conversation now, seeing him hunched over on a reclining chair. you see that he is hugging his legs, smoking a cigarette. a bottle of root beer sits beside him on the ground.

your feet are working before your brain is, and before you know it, you’re standing before him. if he notices your presence, he doesn’t act like it.

“got one to spare?”

that’s when he finally glances up at you. his face is mostly unreadable-- furrowed brows and a set jaw, long brunette hair that almost brushes his shoulders. he is quite handsome. he’s the kind of man that you think is built for moments like these-- sitting by pools, pink neon radiating off his face. the kind of handsome that is a little bit intimidating. not like steve, who is all softness and warm smiles.

you sink onto the pool chair beside bucky as he nods. he passes you a cigarette and you pop it between your lips. bucky’s zippo seems to come out of nowhere, and you watch as the end begins to burn, and you take your first drag of your first cigarette.

a coughing fit ensues. naturally. you hold it awkwardly between the fingers of your right hand and you cover your mouth with your left, hacking up your lungs. bucky’s brows furrow and it’s then, and only then, when the faintest hint of a smirk drags onto his features. “you alright?” his hand moves to your back and rubs in circles, pats it lightly, until you’re bleary eyed and looking over at him with a loud laugh.

it was natural after that.

where bucky was, it was safe to assume that you weren’t far behind. but it wasn’t like that. if anyone asked who you were with, you wore a proud expression and said with little hesitation, “myself.”

each time, bucky glanced between you and whatever sorry schmuck was in your path, and he shrugged his shoulders. “you heard her.”

things were easy with bucky. you had laid the ground rules that night, on the pool chaise. you had straightened your shoulders and you said, “i made the vow not to fall in love with anyone this summer.”

bucky had raised an eyebrow at you and watched as you took his root beer and took a long pull, his eyes fixating onto yours. “funny, so did i.”

the summer of 1977 was a dream.

but you had to wake up.

when you’re not rhiannon, you’re… you. you’re a student at oxford university on a full ride scholarship, studying political science, eventually law. you want to be the first woman president. you have bigger dreams and aspirations than being a band aid.

but you don’t mind slipping into your dream state between the months of may and september. you don’t mind one bit.

on the last night of tour, in nashville, you and bucky had spent the whole night in his room. you talked and you laughed, you laid together and you talked about school and he talked about recording the next album. you said how you wished you could be there for it, and he said how he’d like to see oxford.

that’s another thing about dreams.

when you’re in them, you can nearly believe that they can exist in the real world. but they can’t.

you and bucky had toed a very thin line for a long time. and you tumbled off of it together that night.

when you said your goodbyes in the airport the next morning, everyone else around as well, it seemed to suck any of the intimacy out of the room. you told him then that you always hated airports-- they reminded you of goodbyes.

bucky had shrugged, and said, “they remind me of hellos.”

you hugged. he kissed the corner of your mouth, the closest thing to an outright public display of affection as you two would get. and you left. you went back to real life.

but now, it is 1978. and it is the summer before your senior year of college, and you are backstage at the bee gees at the forum. and brooklyn is opening.

of course you knew that you would see him. he had written you letters over the course of the past year, like a gentleman. you’d tucked them away in your hat box and wrote back about your studies and your roommates. and at the end of the last letter you sent, you wrote: hope you wrote that song about me. xx

you didn’t tell him you were going on the road this summer. you’d been in touch with kate and met up in beverly hills with her. she told you about how she and clint had moved in together in new york and you sipped coffee and went with her as she shopped at places that were far out of your budget. and then you’d met up with clint and he got you your pass.

and now you’re here, with a packed duffel.

it’s a wonder you haven’t run into him yet. there’s a part of you that hopes he doesn’t know-- that he’s going to come out here and see you and that the air is going to be knocked from him as he takes in the visage of you.

beginning to grow anxious, you throw yourself into a chair backstage in a huff. a boy who must be around your age is sitting on the arm of it, and looks down at you curiously. “you alright?”

“never better,” you say and inspect your nail. “you seen the band?”

“who, bee gees? nah, haven’t had a chance--”

“no. brooklyn.”

“oh.” he goes quiet and nods his head. “i got a chance to talk to ‘em just now. i’m trying to do a piece on them.”

your jaw slacks a bit and you nod your head. “oh.” a journalist. of course he is. “how exciting for you.”

“yeah, it’ll be my first real piece. i’ve written some stuff for my college paper, but nothing like this. i can’t believe i even got in. i met this girl gwen and she found me a pass.”

“gwen’s a real keeper,” you say and you wink. your words are honest. you like gwen. “what’s your name, kid?”

“peter parker.”

you stick your hand out. “nice to meet you, peter parker.”

he shakes it and he raises his eyebrows at you, as if waiting for an introduction on your end. “and you are…” he finally begins.

“that’s rhiannon.”

the voice jars you. you don’t dare look behind you, but you already know who it is. you feel large hands on your shoulders and it takes every ounce of pride and self worth inside of you not to let your body erupt into shivers. “she’s the heart of brooklyn.”

a scoff passes your lips and you tip your head back, and you’re not disappointed by what you see. you never are. “you’re always so dramatic,” you coo. your attention shifts back to peter, but your skin is buzzing where bucky touches you, and you have nearly ten months worth of time to catch up on with him. “it was nice meeting you, peter parker.”

subtlety is not your strong suit, and peter must gather that, because he scrambles to get his things and scurry off. you give a slight wave and make a mental note that you’d like to get to know him if he sticks around. “nice kid,” you say.

“don’t want to talk about him.”

you can’t help yourself now. a giddy squeal bursts from your lips and you turn and you fling yourself at him. you’re all arms and legs flailing, clutching to him, and he holds you just as tight. there’s that sort of husky, low laugh that leaves him, and you remember it from that night that you wanted to impress him by smoking a cigarette. “hey, rhi.”

“hi,” your voice is muffled in his neck. you don’t care who’s watching, you don’t care what they whisper— for the first time, you don’t care if they assume you’re going to go back to bucky’s room and fuck him stupid. you care that he’s here. that’s bigger than your pride.

“didn’t tell me you’d be comin’. had to hear from kate.”

“yeah, well...” you pull back and look up at him, hands resting on his shoulders. his find your hips and pull you in. “i wanted to surprise you. am i a happy surprise?”

bucky is the kind of person who thinks before he speaks, but also, you believe that he thinks before he emotes. there’s a beat before he’s licking his lips, nodding his head. “nah. it’s gonna be such a drag having my girl on the road with me.”

my girl.

you squint at him and push him away right in his chest, and he gapes, rubbing it and feigning hurt. “don’t pull that,” you point at him. “same rules as last summer, alright? we— we went over this.”

exasperated, bucky sighs, head lolling to the side. “yes ma’am.”

ten months ago bucky told you he was in love with you.

ten months ago bucky told you he’d follow you all over the world.

ten months ago you agreed that it was a horrible idea, and that your friendship was too vital, too real, too special to risk messing it up.

ten months later, you’re hoping you won’t regret this decision.

you can see the disappointment in his face. gently, you touch the side of his face and you smile a bit. “in another life.” those were the words you had said to him, all those nights ago.

bucky’s face breaks your heart over and over again. he gives you that gentle but sad look-- the look of a man who has what he wants right within arms reach, but knows that he cannot fully grasp. knows that he cannot fully keep.

“i’ll have you any way you want me,” is all he finally says. “‘s not summer without you.”

you’d made a promise to him that night. you had told him you weren’t going to fall in love with anyone in the summer of 1977.

but it is the summer of 1978. and this is the story of how you fall in love with bucky barnes.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fanfic #rockstar bucky #your song #my writing #not me posting this at 11pm sorry yall

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allegra-writes · 5 years ago

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"Fine line" part I

Peter Parker x SHIELD Agent! Reader x Harry Osborn

Teen and Up

Warnings: Canon typical violence

Part of the "Fine Line" series. Welcome to the endgame.

SERIES MASTERLIST | MY MASTERLIST

He had never seen you fight before. It was stupid of him, and potentially dangerous, to stop and think about something like that in the middle of a freaking battle, but he just couldn't help it. You were graceful, deadly. You and Kate Bishop moving together like a well oiled machine. Strike team Delta, Fury's pride. A blur of perfectly shot arrows and high kicks.

But not even you were enough to stop the giant monstrosity in its path of destruction, not even him was. And it had hostages now.

"Six!"

"I know K, I'm seeing it!"

"I'm on it guys!" Peter called back as he swung by you like a red and blue meteor, following the greenish abomination currently climbing up the side of a skyscraper, carrying a sports car on his free hand as effortlessly as if it was a toy.

"One little question though" He switched to coms, "What the hell is that thing??"

"That thing" You explained, "is Norman Osborn…"

Peter's hand slipped, sending him flying face first into the building wall,

"Say what?!"

"We'll fill you up later, Spidey" Kate quipped, "For now, would you mind giving us a hand before King-kong over there kills anyone? I don't trust his butter fingers not to drop that Audi"

"Yes, ma'am" You could hear Peter's smile in his voice, "S.H.I.E.L.D girls are so bossy"

"Well, we are your superiors..." You noted, finally arriving at the entrance of the building when he was already halfway to the top.

"Ugh, I hate it when you pull rank on me" He groaned, swerving to dodge the shards of broken glass raining upon him.

You snorted,

"No you don't"

"No, I don't" He admitted, "Kinda turns me on"

"Ew! Guys, I can hear you" Kate catched up to you, shooting an arrow hooked to a line around her belt. Peter wasn't surprised to see it hit its mark flawlessly on a ledge above his head, "Hi, hot stuff, need a ride?"

You rolled your eyes, but wrapped your arms around her shoulders nonetheless, holding on tight.

"Hey!" Peter protested, mid swing, "No flirting with my girl!"

"I saw her first!" Kate released the latch, and soon you both were ascending at breakneck speed, easily surpassing Peter, "Race you to the top, Spidey!"

His laughter resonated through the coms, as he sped up to follow you, guns blazing into the battle.

…

There was no laughter anymore. The friendly banter and quick comebacks had died long ago, the second you had realized it was a trap. The goblin creature was far more intelligent than you were led to believe, having set the ploy from the very beginning, his seemingly driftless rampage through the city, not so random after all.

And far more psychotic, as you had learnt when he tore open the car in his hands to reveal the terrified blond man inside.

"HARRY!"

Peter's horrified scream matched your own.

"Well well well, it seems you awake quite the loyalty" a massive hand closed around Harry's torso, his indigo orbs finding yours across the rooftop "for such a pathetic little worm"

"Let him go, Goblin" Kate's tone was placating, almost gentle, "you don't know what you're doing…"

The creature laughed,

"That's what you think? What your imbecilic little investigation concluded?" Kate and you exchanged a look. Of course. Your investigation about the Green Goblin and other Oscorp shady experiments relied heavily on Norman Osborn personal files. The thought of the passionate scientist, who valued his work more than his own son, lying in his own research had never even crossed your minds. He had played you like a fiddle, misled you every step of the way, and you had bought right into it.

"I worked with S.H.I.E.L.D longer than you had been alive, and Fury thinks he can sic you after me? Two little girls playing spy and my own creation??" Harry looked about ready to pass out as the Goblin waved him around, gesticulating with his hands as he spoke.

Through the corner of his eye, Peter caught a glimpse of Kate inching closer to the beast, and was only half interested when he inquired,

"What do you mean your creation?"

"Everything special about you," The Goblin's deformed visage twisted in what Peter assumed was supposed to be a smirk, "came from one of my labs!"

"That might be true, you might have involuntarily given me my powers, but you didn't make me Spider-man" Peter countered, "Mister Stark gave me the suit, and showed me what it meant to be a hero, and I loved him and admire him more than you will ever be able to understand, but he didn't make me Spider-man either.

I choose to be Spider-man, every day. I created myself, cause it isn't who we were made to be that makes us who we are. Our choices make us who we are! You might have the powers and appearance of a monster, but you don't have to be one!"

"If you really think that, you are even more stupid than I thought, Peter Parker"

"Pe-peter?" Harry gasped through the creatures crushing grasp around his torso. Peter hesitated for a second, before taking his mask off.

"Yeah, it's me, buddy" He admitted, watching his friend's eyes go wide, "It's going to be ok, Haz. We'll get you out of this, I promise…"

Famous last words. Peter should have known better by then than to jinx things like that. Because not two minutes later, he was seeing Kate's little ambush fail, the creature's tail whipping around with enough force to send her flying against a wall and knock her out, Peter's own kick just a little too slow to stop the Goblin from grabbing you in his free hand.

"Wings? It has fucking wings??" Peter cursed under his breath, scrambling to follow the monster as he flapped his enormous, membranous wings, soaring across the city. But the creature had no intention of going too far.

"You say our choices make us who we are, very well" The Goblin challenged him, hovering above 700 feet of empty air, and Peter's heart stopped. "Let's see what yours are. What is it going to be, your friend… or your lover?"

"Don't do it, Goblin!" He yelled, standing on a ledge, ready to pounce, when he saw it. Or rather, saw her, purple hair blowing in the wind, standing on the air, a little lower and further behind from the Goblin, one palm pointed down, creating some sort of sonic wave that kept her up. She signaled a series of orders with her free hand, and Peter nodded almost imperceptibly, but enough for you to realize something was happening. You twisted in the Goblins grip to see what was going on at your back. Oh, fuck.

"Make your choice, Peter. Now!"

Norman Osborn let go of you and Harry at the same time, leaving you to watch your boyfriend dive for your ex. But you weren't falling, you were floating, cushioned by a column of vibrating air.

"Don't worry, rookie," You heard an annoyingly familiar voice say, "big sis is here…"

Great. You were never going to live this down, now.

Meanwhile, Peter had problems of his own, the momentum the Goblin had thrown his own son away making it difficult for him to catch Harry on time.

And even after he had the other man safe in his arms, he wouldn't stop squirming, fighting in his hold.

"Noooo! Go after her! Save her!!"

Peter managed to land the both of them in a terrace,

"She's ok! She's fine, see? She's got this! She's got this…" Peter finally released Harry, pointing up to the place where you still were hovering in the air with that other agent.

"She… she's… flying?"

"I think that is actually the other one's making…" Peter shrugged, scratching the back of his neck. Harry started pacing back and forth, obviously overwhelmed, trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.

"And you're Spider-man…" he turned to Peter, who nodded. "And that thing… what the fuck was that thing?"

Peter hesitated,

"Apparently, a crazy scientist" he finally decided on a half truth.

"A crazy… Mate, what even is your life?"

"Honestly? I've been asking myself that same question for years…"

Harry barked out a watery, hysterical laugh. He wanted to punch the shorter guy, he wanted to throw himself at his feet and thank him for saving his life. To apologize for all the drunken midnight calls, and also stab him in his boyishly handsome face for being so fucking noble and heroic and brave and impossibly perfect and for stealing his girl.

He clutched as his chest, the burn almost making him double over in pain, and he realized he was hyperventilating.

"Harry, Harry, look at me. Look at me! Do you feel my chest? Can you feel my chest under your hand?"

Harry noticed then that Peter was pressing his open palm, splayed against the spider logo on his own chest. He nodded his affirmation.

"Good, feel how it moves? Breath with me" Peter ordered, "inhale…"

Harry breathed in, in time with his friend's expanding chest.

"Now exhale"

Harry let go of his breath.

"That's right, you're doing so great" Peter's praise warmed up something inside his gut. "Inhale…" and Harry did, catching a faint whiff of your perfume. Peter smelled like you, the realization making him notice just how close to each other they were, only inches apart. And he wondered idly if that was the view you were used to, the one you favored over everything else: warm brown eyes, staring into your soul, right before leaning in. He wondered if you appreciated those hard, muscular shoulders under your hands, before pulling him close. He wondered if Peter's lips still tasted like you.

And before he knew it, Peter found himself with Harry's mouth crashing on his.

He knew he should stop it, step away, but he was rooted to the spot, caught off guard by the sudden onslaught of sensations. It was different from kissing a girl. Hard planes where he was used to soft curves. The tickle of scruff, and slightly chapped lips where he was used to your strawberry sweet lipstick. But as Harry's tongue licked his bottom lip, begging for entrance, Peter couldn't help but open up to him, to surrender to him, as his tongue conquered every inch of Peter's mouth, a greddy, hungry victor.

"I hate you so much" Harry breathed against Peter's mouth, even as his big hands came to frame the brunet's face, the metal of his finger rings cool against Peter's cheeks

"Doesn't feel like hate…" He quipped, before scraping his teeth against Harry's lips, tearing a moan out of him.

"No, it doesn't" the taller boy admitted, pushing one thigh between Peter's, gasping as he felt one of the hero's hands coming to rest against his lower back, pressing him closer.

"You taste like cigarettes" Peter marveled, for some reason finding the bittersweet taste delicious.

"And you taste like her" Harry replied, diving in again.

Peter froze. Her. You. His girlfriend.

"Harry… Harry stop" Peter muttered, between nibbles "we need to stop. This is wrong"

"Feels right" The heir protested, teeth latching onto Peter's lower lip to stop him from pulling away. Peter groaned, but managed to break the kiss anyway.

"It's not. We can't do this to her."

Harry sighed, resting his forehead against Peter's, still reluctant to let go completely,

"I know…" he admitted.

They stood like that for a few moments, willing breathings to calm, and hearts to slow down.

"You should go" Harry spoke finally, taking a step back, Peter immediately missing the warmth of his body in his arms. He wanted to say something, anything, to chase away the heartbreak, the loneliness in those pale blue eyes, but he couldn't. The knot in his own throat would not allow it.

So he just stepped away, slipping his mask on, and jumped. He caught a glimpse of Harry's teary, red face, sticking out from the balcony to watch him go, before shooting off a web and swinging away, back to the skyscraper where Kate had fallen. Because if he knew you at all, that was exactly where you were going to be, taking care of your best friend.

…

"...I'm telling you, I had everything under control!"

"Is that why you were hanging 700 feet in the air?" The purple haired girl argued, crossing her arms over her chest, "Admit it, rookie, you're lucky I arrived just in time to save your ass. Again."

You were fuming, face flushed and eyes bright, and Peter found himself struck yet again by how gorgeous you were. A pang of guilt stabbed his stomach.

"I didn't ask you too" You replied, petulantly, "and stop calling me 'rookie', I'm a level 9 agent."

"... I'm still higher than you"

"For one level!" You cried in frustration, "One single fucking level!"

"Would you two shut up?" Kate stumbled up, and Peter broke free from his haze to hurry and wrap a stabilizing arm around her shoulders, "You're giving me a headache"

"Yeah, that would be the concussion," purple quipped, "don't worry, Simmons should be here any minute to take a look at that"

"Yay, finally a sane person to talk to" Kate deadpanned. Purple ignored her.

"And you must be the boyfriend…" She singsonged, nudging you with her shoulder, "He's cute under the mask, how did you managed to get him to go out with you?"

"Hey!" Peter and you exclaimed indignantly, in unison.

"I'm kidding, jeez!" She raised her hands in surrender. "Come on, won't you introduce us?"

You rolled your eyes, but complied anyway,

"Daisy, this is Peter Parker. Peter, this is Daisy Johnson, weirdo fancies herself my sister"

"Ooh, 'fancies'! You've spent way too much time with that brit boy, didn't you?"

"Daisy, I swear to god I will-"

"You need to tell her" Kate whispered, taking advantage of your distraction.

"Wh-what?"

She scoffed, Kate had never had much patience for anyone's bullshit.

"About what just happened with Harry. She will understand, Peter, I promise. But only if she hears it from you"

"H-how do you know?"

"I see better from afar" The archer smirked, before returning her attention to you and, apparently, your sister.

"Are they always like that?" Peter whispered, a little alarmed. Kate snorted,

"Just wait till you meet the rest of her old team…"

"Yeah, what do you say, boyfriend?" Daisy smirked, mischievous glimmer in her eyes so much like yours, "Ready to meet the family?"

Peter gulped, he really wasn't.

To be continued...

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #peter parker fanfic #tom holland fanfic #harry osborn x peter parker #harry osborn imagine #harry osborn #harrison osterfeild x reader #harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield x tom holland #fine line series

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isthereanyneed · 6 years ago

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20 Songs that are important to me and why (Long Post)

1. The Girl is Mine (99 Souls)- I will forever associate this with when my mum came to visit me in Copenhagen during my study exchange. I was feeling homesick as fuck and I remember cycling to the train station to meet her, this was blasting in my headphones, the weather was fantastic and my mood was brilliant. If I’m feeling particularly down I put this on and as funny as it sounds I can feel that amazing mood again

2. Video Killed the Radio Star (The Buggles)- Very first song I remember being aware of. My mum said I used to do the little baby bobbing dance to this and it used to make her so happy

3. Always (Blink-182) - First song I discovered by myself and the one that really introduced me to music. Thus began a love affair with Tom Delonge and my deep love of music

4. Diseasy (Sälen) - This song reminds me of my ex. Not the lyrics but the memory of it. When I met her we kept it a secret for ages and the only way for us to meet up was to go on nights out. To go on these nights out I used to have to bring my friends James as cover so my mum wouldn’t get suspicious. Me and James were both obsessed with the song and video and any time I hear it, it reminds me of happier times. There are no hard feelings and I wish her every happiness in life.

5. Blueberry Hill (Fats Domino)- My granny's favourite song. She died last October of cancer. I haven’t been able to listen to it since. Someday soon though.

6. Say hello, wave goodbye (Soft Cell)- One of me and my mum's favourite songs. We love nothing better than blasting this with a bottle of red wine

7. Heaven is a place on earth (Belinda Carlisle)- My all time go to happy song. Kudos to my mum's friend for paying attention when I speak and getting me the album vinyl for my 21st. Also San Junipero

8.Seven Wonders (Fleetwood Mac)- Me and my brother's song. We get along so well together and I am eternally grateful for that. Someone played this at a party we were both at and everyone commented on how we are literally the same person. I couldn’t think of a better person to be like.

9. Backseat (Echo Raptors)- My brother's band. This song had such potential. I wish they would throw themselves back into music again. I know they could go so far. Check them out on Soundcloud.

10. Hounds of Love (Kate Bush)- My endless love. This song changed my life, this album changed my soul. The whole song is sheer perfection, enough said.

11. It hurts (Angels & Airwaves)- I always felt like this band never got the success they deserved. Tom Delonge worked wonders on their debut album but it was this song that always drew me back to it. I love the chord progression in the introduction and the chanting of ‘it hurts, it hurts’.

12. There is a light that never goes out (The Smiths)- A hauntingly beautiful song. Johnny Marrs guitar work and general instrumentation on this song just work so well with Morrissey's lyrics. My brother also bought me ‘The queen is dead’ on vinyl for passing my GCSE’s so it brings back fond memories.

13. Ghosts (The Jam)- Boy oh boy this song. Its one of my mum's favourite songs. I’m always struck by her reminiscing of this song. How she felt as a teenager, how the lyrics still impact her to this day. If you have never listened to it please do. You will understand what I mean

14. Beuna Sera (Louis Prima)- My granda’s favourite song. He died suddenly when I was only 10. I had an experience shortly after his death where I was home alone and the radio suddenly turned itself on and played this. I burst into tears and knew then that he would always be with me. I often hear this song at pivotal points in my life.

15. Fun (Coldplay)- This reminds me of the person I lost my virginity to. If nothing else, we did have fun

16. Eyes Without A Face (Billy Idol)- I heard this song randomly on the radio and immediately fell in love. It was all I listened to for a month and I even watched the movie it gets its title from ‘Les Yeux son visage’. Great Watch. The bass part in this song is one of my all-time favourites.

17. True Love Way (Kings of Leon)- This song is just beautiful. The natural harmonics that open it, remind me of something out of a movie scene. This reminds me of the first boy I ever liked. I really wanted us to have that cheesy eyes meet across a dancefloor moment. Instead, I got a drunken kiss in a club 3 years after we had last seen each other. At least I had my moment!

18. Under the Ivy (Kate Bush)- This makes me feel of childhood. I used to have a hiding spot a bit like this where I would go with my cousin to escape. I associate this song with letting people into my life, I don’t do that often. I hate to show emotions. This song encourages me that I should try more.

19. Caught Halo (Jen Wood)- This song is the most beautiful 9 minutes of music. The opening guitar riff tugs at my heartstrings. I’ve had many nights of just lying in my room listening to this song and reflecting on moments that have happened in my life. It’s a deep song but absolutely phenomenal.

20. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Judy Garland)- Everyone has a favourite Christmas song. Here is mine. We had a tradition of me, my mum and my granny watching this every Christmas. I and mum couldn’t manage it this year and every time I heard the song I broke down. This year we feel strong enough to do it and I know Granny and Granda will be there with us.

#personal #long reads #list #me #music

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sheminecrafts · 4 years ago

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Deepfake video app Reface is just getting started on shapeshifting selfie culture

A bearded Rihanna gyrates and sings about shining bright like a diamond. A female Jack Sparrow looks like she’d be a right laugh over a pint. The cartoon contours of The Incredible Hulk lend envious tint to Donald Trump’s awfully familiar cheek bumps.

Selfie culture has a fancy new digital looking glass: Reface (previously Doublicat) is an app that uses AI-powered deepfake technology to let users try on another face/form for size. Aka “face swap videos”, in its marketing parlance.

Deepfake technology — or synthesized media, to give it its less pejorative label — is just getting into its creative stride, according to Roman Mogylnyi, CEO and co-founder of RefaceAI, which makes the eponymous app whose creepily lifelike output you may have noticed bubbling up in your social streams in recent months.

The startup has Ukrainian founders — as well as Mogylnyi, there’s Oles Petriv, Yaroslav Boiko, Dima Shvets, Denis Dmitrenko, Ivan Altsybieiev and Kyle Sygyda — but the business is incorporated in the US. Doubtless it helps to be nearer to Hollywood studios whose video clips power many of the available face swaps. (Want to see Titanic‘s Rose Hall recast with Trump’s visage staring out of Kate Winslet’s body? No we didn’t either — but once you’ve hit the button it’s horribly hard to unsee…

)

TechCrunch noticed a bunch of male friends WhatsApp-group-sharing video clips of themselves as scantily clad female singers and figured the developers must be onto something — a la Face App, or the earlier selfie trend of style transfer (a craze that was sparked by Prisma and cloned mercilessly by tech giants).

Reface’s deepfake effects are powered by a class of machine learning frameworks known as GANs (generative adversarial network) which is how it’s able to get such relatively slick results, per Mogylnyi. In a nutshell it’s generating a new animated face using the twin inputs (the selfie and the target video), rather than trying to mask one on top of the other.

Deepface technology has of course been around for a number of years, at this point, but the Reface team’s focus is on making the tech accessible and easy to use — serving it up as a push-button smartphone app with no need for more powerful hardware and near instant transformation from a single selfie snap. (It says it turns selfies into face vectors representing distinguishing user’s facial features — and pledges that uploaded photos are removed from its Google Cloud platform “within an hour”.)

No need for tech expertise nor lots of effort to achieve a lifelike effect. The inexorable social shares flowing from such a user friendly tech application then work to chalk off product marketing.

It was a similar story with the AI tech underpinning Prisma — which left that app open to merciless cloning, though it was initially only transforming photos. But Mogylnyi believes the team behind the video face swaps has enough of a head (ha!) start to avoid a similar fate.

He says usage of Reface has been growing “really fast” since it added high res videos this June — having initially launched with only far grainier GIF face swaps on offer. In terms of metrics the startup us not disclosing active monthly users but says it’s had around 20 million downloads at this point across 100 countries. (On Google Play the app has almost a full five star rating, off of approaching 150k reviews.)

“I understand that an interest from huge companies might come. And it’s obvious. They see that it’s a great thing — personalization is the next trend, and they are all moving in the same direction, with Bitmoji, Memoji, all that stuff — but we see personalized, hyperrealistic face swapping as the next big thing,” Mogylnyi tells TechCrunch.

“Even for [tech giants] it takes time to create such a technology. Even speaking about our team we have a brilliant team, brilliant minds, and it took us a long time to get here. Even if you spawn many teams to work on the same problems surely you will get somewhere… but currently we’re ahead and we’re doing our best to work on new technologies to keep in pace,” he adds.

https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Iron-Man-Robert-Downey-Keanu-Reeves.mp4

Reface’s app is certainly having a moment right now, bagging top download slots on the iOS App Store and Google Play in 100 countries — helped, along the way, by its reflective effects catching the eye of the likes of Elon Musk and Britney Spears (who Mogylnyi says have retweeted examples of its content).

But he sees this bump as just the beginning — predicting much bigger things coming down the sythensized pipe as more powerful features are switched on. The influx of bitesized celebrity face swaps signals an incoming era of personalized media, which could have a profoundly transformative effect on culture.

Mogylnyi’s hope is that wide access to synthensized media tools will increase humanity’s empathy and creativity — providing those who engage with the tech limitless chances to (auto)vicariously experience things they maybe otherwise couldn’t ever (or haven’t yet) — and so imagine themselves into new possibilities and lifestyles.

He reckons the tech will also open up opportunities for richly personalized content communities to grow up around stars and influencers — extending how their fans can interact with them.

“Right now the way influencers exist is only one way; they’re just giving their audience the content. In my understanding in our case we’ll let influencers have the possibility to give their audience access to the content and to feel themselves in it. It’s one of the really cool things we’re working on — so it will be a part of the platform,” he says.

“What’s interesting about new-gen social networks [like TikTok] is that people can both be like consumers and providers at the same time… So in our case people will also be able to be providers and consumers but on the next level because they will have the technology to allow themselves to feel themselves in the content.”

“I used to play basketball in school years but I had an injury and I was dreaming about a pro career but I had to stop playing really hard. I’ll never know how my life would have gone if I was a pro basketball player so I have to be a startup entrepreneur right now instead… So in the case with our platform I actually will have a chance to see how my pro basketball career would look like. Feel myself in the content and life this life,” he adds.

This vision is really the mirror opposite of the concerns that are typically attached to deepfakes, around the risk of people being taken in, tricked, shamed or otherwise manipulated by intentionally false imagery.

So it’s noteworthy that Reface is not letting users loose on their technology in a way that could risk an outpouring of problem content. For example, you can’t yet upload your own video to make into a deepfake — although the ability to do so is coming. For now, you have to pick from a selection of preloaded celebrity clips and GIFs which no one would mistake for the real-deal.

That’s a very deliberate decision, with Mogylnyi emphasizing they want to be responsible in how they bring the tech to market.

User generated video and a lot more — full body swaps are touted, next year — are coming, though. But before they turn on more powerful content generation functionality they’re working on building a counter tech to reliably detect such generated content. Mogylnyi says it will only open up usage once they’re confident of being able to spot their own fakes.

“It will be this autumn, actually,” he says of launching UGC video (plus the deepfake detection capability). “We’ll launch it with our Face Studio… which will be a tool for content creators, for small studios, for small post production studios, maybe some music video makers.”

“We also have five different technologies in our pipeline which we’ll show in the upcoming half a year,” he adds. “There are also other technologies and features based on current tech [stack] that we’ll be launching… We’ll allow users to swap faces in pictures with the new stack and also a couple of mechanics based on face swapping as well, and also separate technologies as well we’re aiming to put into the app.”

He says higher quality video swapping is another focus, alongside building out more technologies for post production studios. “Face Studio will be like an overall tool for people who want full access to our technologies,” he notes, saying the pro tool will launch later this year.

https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/BLACKPINK-Kylie-Jenner.mp4

The Ukrainian team behind the app has been honing their deep tech chops for years — starting working together back in 2011 straight out of university and going on to set up a machine learning dev shop in 2013.

Work with post production studios followed, as they were asked to build face swapping technology to help budget-strapped film production studios do more while having to move their actors move around less.

By 2018, with plenty of expertise under their belt, they saw the potential for making deepface technology more accessible and user friendly — launching the GIF version of the app late last year, and going on to add video this summer when they also rebranded the app to Reface. The rest looks like it could be viral face swapping tech history…

So where does all this digital shapeshifting end up? “In our dreams and in our vision we see the app as a personalization platform where people will be able to live different lives during their one lifetime. So everyone can be anyone,” says Mogylnyi. “What’s the overall problem right now? People are scrolling content, not looking deep into it. And when I see people just using our app they always try to look inside — to look deeply into the picture. And that’s what really inspires us. So we understand that we can take the way people are browsing and the way they are consuming content to the next level.”

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endenogatai · 4 years ago

Text

Deepfake video app Reface is just getting started on shapeshifting selfie culture

)

No need for tech expertise nor lots of effort to achieve a lifelike effect. The inexorable social shares flowing from such a user friendly tech application then work to chalk off product marketing.

https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Iron-Man-Robert-Downey-Keanu-Reeves.mp4

He reckons the tech will also open up opportunities for richly personalized content communities to grow up around stars and influencers — extending how their fans can interact with them.

That’s a very deliberate decision, with Mogylnyi emphasizing they want to be responsible in how they bring the tech to market.

https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/BLACKPINK-Kylie-Jenner.mp4

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#IFTTT #RSSMix.com Mix ID 8204425

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whatdoyouthinkmyjobis · 7 years ago

Text

Hunters on the Hellmouth

masterlist

first chapter

previous chapter

AN: Inspired by events in BTVS 7.11 “Showtime.” Links to character sheets at the bottom of the story.

Warnings: Torture. Gore. FEELS!

Chapter 32: The Demon Inside

The body landed in the alley with a sickening crunch. Dani, Grace, and Wook heaved their blanketed package into Giles’ trunk. From Dean’s broken bedroom window, Buffy watched them pull away with the last Bringer corpse.

“I’m going to need you to repeat what you just said,” Xander requested. He and the rest of the Scoobies had spent the better part of an hour listening to Buffy tell Dean’s story while the Potentials helped unbloody the Winchesters’ apartment.

“About how Sam and Dean don’t know of anything that can kill Lucifer?” Buffy asked.

“About all of it.”

“For the record,” said Anya as she scrubbed the splatter off the wall, “this whole angel thing scares the crap out me. It’s not natural!”

“I’m more stuck on the Satan part,” said Xander.

“Angel. Devil. It’s all the same apparently!” Anya had been practically green since Buffy shared the news.

“And Giles has nothing?” asked Willow, hope still in her eyes.

“I think Giles has a splitting headache.” By the time he’d left Dean’s hospital room, Giles had taken on the glassy gaze of a wandering Alzheimer’s patient.

“At least that explains why they’re so strong and manly and ridiculously good looking.”

Xander’s relief brought a smile to Buffy’s lips. “Strong yes, but I think the rest is just genetics. I’ve seen the family photos.”

“Damn it!”

“Imagine keeping a secret like that,” Willow wondered aloud.

Xander shrugged. “‘Hello, I’m an angel in disguise,’ sounds like a great pickup line.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Anya argued. “And that’s not what they are.”

“I meant Sam,” Willow clarified. “Having something like that done to you as a child, an infant. Being terrified of latent evil inside of you.”

“You get used to it,” said Dawn.

A cough from the doorway alerted them to Cloé with her arms full of books. “I don’t know how to get the blood out,” she said meekly.

Willow relived the girl of her burden. “I'll handle these, and you go get yourself a snack in the kitchen, okay?”

“Terrifying Lucifer part aside, this is a good thing, right?”

“How could you even think that, Xander?” Anya whined.

“Hear me out,” he continued. “The angels want Dean, and they don't want the bad guys to have Sam. Let's just tell them Sam was abducted. They saved Dean’s life, after all. What's the worst that could happen?”

According to Dean, a lot of bad could happen when angels were involved, but Castiel was his friend. “We could try--”

Anya tossed her bloody rag in the bucket of water and stormed out of the room.

“For once, I'm with Anya,” said Willow. “Angels sound kind of cosmically selfish. They helped Dean, but who’s to say helping Sam wouldn't take the form of killing him? Or, hey, now that they’re here and noticing things, how about they burn the witch?”

“I get where you’re coming from. I do,” Buffy said. “Dean told me the angels are bad news, but Castiel is on their side. He’s the only angel on their side, and it’s cost him. If we pray to him, maybe we can at least get some guidance.”

“You pray. I’ll be hiding. Dawn, you staying?”

The girl shrugged and settled onto the bed. “Pretty sure angels can smite me no matter what room I’m in. I’ll stay for the fireworks.”

“Do we need to hold hands or confess our sins or something?” Xander asked after Willow left.

“I don’t really know.” Buffy felt heat in her cheeks. The prayer thing still felt weirder than angels existing. “But we have to address Castiel specifically or the other angels will hear.”

She sat cross-legged on the floor, her hands upturned on her knees, and began. “Castiel, it’s Buffy Summers again. We need your help. It sounds like Lucifer followed the Winchesters here, and now he has Sam --”

The unbroken window exploded as the squealing roar of a freight train filled the room. Xander and Dawn huddled into balls screaming, their voices unable to overpower the sound. “Castiel, make it stop!” Buffy cried.

Silence.

“What was that?” someone shouted above the crying in the other room.

“He could have just told us he was washing his hair,” Xander said, shaking his head as he checked on Dawn.

Buffy stood and gently shook the glass from her hair. “Plan B. Gather the girls. We needed an army yesterday.”

It had either been hours or days since the Turok-Han bit off his fingers. Though the slightest movement made him want to scream, Spike held up his hand to look at the tattered stubs. They’d stopped oozing blood, but they weren’t any longer. Hours then.

Vampires were semi-immortal. As long as they avoided sunlight, few humans were strong or fast enough to stake or decapitate them. But, as Spike had discovered years before under the torturous knife of Glory, they don’t pass out from pain either. His entire body felt like a lit wick being eaten up by burn and sizzle.

Laying on the floor a few feet below him, Sam looked worse for wear. The bandage over his stomach was brown with dried blood; infection would set in soon. He was pale with sunken eyes and a confused gaze. Wearing only pajama pants in the drafty old church in December, his shivering had unnervingly diminished. No one had fed Sam or given him water since he’d arrived. If the goal was to see who could endure torture the longest, Spike would be the grim winner.

“Sam, you like poetry?” Spike asked.

Wearily, Sam lifted his head from the cold stone floor. “Poetry? Uh, kinda. It-it’s okay.”

“Fftt! Americans! No sense of romance.”

“I dunno. B-Bobby’s really into poetry,” Sam mumbled.

“Who’s Bobby?”

“Kinda like our, um, adopt-a-dad when Dad w-wasn’t around.”

“Oh, what’d ‘e like?” Spike asked.

“Uh, Fr-Frost and the Scottish guy. Auld Lang Syne.”

“Burns! Not bad. I like the romantics myself. You ever read any Keats?”

Sam shook his head.

A new twinge of pain shot through Spike’s hand, but he bit his tongue. They were going to talk about poetry until one of them died. “Most of ‘em are love poems. Now, don’t start thinking I fancy you. Like my hair a little longer and my heads a bit more fucked up. One of ‘is most famous goes:

O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,

Alone and palely loitering?

The sedge has wither’d from the lake,

And no birds sing.”

There was a dark splatter and smear at the sewer entrance to the caves. Sam’s blood. Buffy hoped that would be all for blood. How much damage could The First -- could Lucifer -- have done to his chosen one in less than twelve hours? She knew she didn’t want an answer, that the Devil’s desire for a body was Sam’s only hope.

The footsteps behind her provided no comfort.

She had no idea if her theory was correct, but the clock was ticking on Sam, and she couldn’t waste time hoping a clue would land in her lap. The Turok-Han had acted like guard dogs. They knew Spike was being kept in a church, but Willow didn’t recognize any of the windows the Winchesters had snapped. Because the church wasn’t above ground. Buffy was all in that Spike and hopefully Sam were in the church where she’d faced The Master.

As Buffy arrived at the spot of her last battle, a blood-curdling scream echoed off the ruins. She’d never been so happy to hear someone in pain.

One of the Potentials whimpered.

“You’re okay. Remember, The First doesn’t have a body. It can’t hurt you.”

“Now, Buffy,” said a soft voice that made Buffy’s heart skip a beat, “it’s not fair to give the girls a false sense of hope.” Standing where she’d last seen It as Angel, last seen It as The Master, was her mother in a long white dress. If she had to watch this near immortal dress up as her mother, she was going to give it more than hell. “After all, what I may lack in vessel, I more than make up for in followers. It was considerate of you to bring the girls. Saves me the trip.” It snapped its fingers, and a dozen Bringers stepped out of the dark, blades ready.

As they’d practiced, the girls formed an outward facing ring. “Bring it!” Dani yelled. As the Bringers rushed forward, Molly fired on them with a water pistol.

“I have to admit, I didn’t see that coming,” said The First.

Lys, Wook and Kate stepped forward with blowtorches raised, engulfing the gas-soaked Bringers in flame. The girls stepped aside, letting the monster-torches run past screaming.

“Next?” taunted Buffy. The Turok-Han, dark blood up to its elbows, slunk out from a crumbled doorway and snarled at them. Giles’ research had confirmed her experience, they couldn’t be staked. Gripping the handle of her machete, Buffy smiled recalling Dean’s philosophy: everything can be beheaded, which provides distraction if nothing else. “Hey there, short, grey and ugly. Ready for round two?”

They circled each other, Buffy acutely aware of the barely trained girls watching behind her. If it killed her, they’d be next. They’d done well against the Bringers. It was her turn to make them proud.

The vampire swiped, nicking her skin. She kicked it in the chest. It barely moved. They grappled and rolled, Buffy’s machete falling in the tumble. She bashed its head against the stone floor. The vampire started to push her off, so she jammed her thumb in its eye. It howled and released her arms. She rushed to her machete as it lunged at her. Using its speed and weight to throw it off balance, she swung her blade and lopped off its head. It sputtered and hissed before turning to dust a moment later.

The visage of her mother offered a tight-lipped smile. “Don’t get comfortable, sweetheart. I’ll be back, and you’ll be so grounded.” In a flash of blue light, Lucifer disappeared.

Buffy and the Potentials entered the torch-lit corridor the Turok-Han had come from. Most of the windows had been shattered from earthquakes, but the shape implied this was part of the buried church where Buffy had faced The Master. At the end of the corridor, they found a mostly collapsed chapel, one window still intact behind the bloody, meat-covered altar. Sam was chained in a kneeling position at the base of the altar steps. With one firm kick, she was able to release him from the floor. He was pale, his eyes hollow. Collapsing onto Grace and Keisha, he wheezed, “Get Spike.”

“Where is he?”

“Don’t recognize me, love?” Spike’s voice came from the bloody altar.

Ascending the stairs, Buffy started to see a human form in the meat. Spike’s skin was taut on his ribs, his cheeks more gaunt than usual. He was missing his legs and fingers. His naked body was covered in hundreds of puncture marks. The blood oozing from his wounds was nearly black and thick. “Not my best look, but my heart’s still intact. Head’s still on. Do a bloke a favor, and kill me, eh?”

Buffy didn’t kill him. She wrapped him in her coat and carried Spike out of his hell. The voices of dozens of girls asked what he was, but she didn’t answer. He rested his head on her chest and, despite his pain, fell asleep to the thumping of her heart.

He awoke when someone removed the coat, exposing his naked, maimed body. It was quiet where he was, but many feet were moving above him. He opened his eyes just enough to see that he was back in Buffy’s basement, and she stood over him examining his body. “Enjoying the view?”

“No,” said Buffy. “Even when I wanted you dead, I never wanted this.”

“Funny thing, all-encompassing evils don’t take kindly when you tell ‘em to sod off.”

Her small hand, gentle and warm, rested on his arm before she began to clean the punctures from the Turok-Han’s claws on his torso.

“How’s the giant?”

“Sam’s not great, but he’s doing a hell of a lot better than you.” Her voice was distant. No doubt, she’d rather be attending to her friend, but with a full house, Spike couldn’t imagine why she’d deigned to care for him.

“What happened to you?” she asked.

“I didn’t want to play anymore.”

“So It had a tantrum? What did It want from you?”

The night Spike returned to Sunnydale after his soul trials, he ran into a light. It was terrifying and comforting at the same time. The most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It went through him like his pockets were being rifled by supernovas. Then the light turned into Buffy, but more the Buffy of his dreams than the real thing.

“Are you a demon?” It had asked.

Spike said he was a vampire, but It was excited about the demon in him. Spike was certain It was a siren, but any port in a storm.

“It wanted a friend at first,” Spike confessed. Unflinchingly, Buffy started to clean the tattered remains of his fingers; he wanted to recoil from her touch. She didn’t deserve this gruesome sight. “No bandages, alright? Gotta leave room for me to grow back.”

“You’re going to grow back?” There was a hint of happiness behind her surprise, a softening of her mouth, and Spike wondered if caring for him had perhaps been her choice.

“Short story, this isn’t the first time those primordial vampires snacked on me.”

“That’s good news, I guess. Although, I’m not into this whole chapter on your best buddy The First Evil.”

“Pfft! That’s what It calls itself? Weak. And do I look like we’re on good terms?” He wouldn’t admit it, but It had kept him from climbing the walls when his soul was driving him mad, asking him questions about Sunnydale, the Hellmouth, demons, Buffy. “It was a distraction ‘til It started asking me to do things.”

“Things like kill people?”

“That was later. At first, it just wanted to know about you, and I painted a warts-and-all picture. Then it wanted me to follow you, spy on you. I did a little, but seeing you with Dean was torture.” Spike paused to mourn again what could have been if he’d ever gained full control of the demon inside. “Then It wanted me to kill you.”

Buffy turned away. He thought she left, disgusted by the sight of him, disturbed by what he’d done, but he heard her rummaging through some boxes. She returned with oven mitts -- one with pink and white flowers stained brown, the other red and printed with a festive black buckle and white trim.

“But you started killing other people, building it an army,” she said as she gently wrapped Spike’s maimed hands in gauze and slipped the oven mitts over them.

“Wot can I say? The Devil made me do it.”

Buffy’s cool, interrogator’s mask melted in surprise.

“Yeah, I know,” Spike said. Between torture sessions, Sam had filled him in on the true nature of The First.

Quietly, Buffy moved on to cleaning the stumps of his legs. She tore a sheet in two, gently folding each half around a leg before covering him with a downy blanket. “How does that feel?”

“Better,” he said with a small smile.

A single tear rolled down her cheek. “I--I haven’t been a good friend to you.”

What could he say? Ever since he’d regained his soul, he’d needed someone to talk to; but unfortunately, he and Buffy had been better friends when he was evil. Buffy had been so caught up in her new boyfriend, Spike’s only option for friendship had been the Devil himself.

But what choice did she have? Besouled vampires hadn’t exactly gone well for her in the past. And she had spent months flinching when he got near, the memory of what he -- what his demon -- had tried to do still clawing at her.

“I wish I could change things between us,” he said. “Rearranging the timing and all. We could ‘ave been great together under the right circumstances.”

She smiled as the tears fell.

“But I’m ‘appy for you,” he continued. “You found someone who understands you. I’m not jealous you didn’t pick me, but the loneliness stings. Love-sick vampire with a soul doesn’t ‘ave a lot of places he can go. No singles mixers or one-nine-hundred hotlines.”

“So when Lucifer appeared to you as me…”

“I took comfort in it, though I knew it wasn’t you. All that time, It was working me out, figuring out how to operate me. It kept complaining about how my soul and the demon were getting in the way. I think it figured out how to talk to each separately. So when I was killing--”

“The demon was in charge.”

“Gold star for the lady. So you see, Buffy, you have to kill me. Otherwise, It’s going to come back, going to make the demon in me do things again.”

The fight had gone smoother than they’d expected, bringing some cheer to the girls’ faces. But the confused aftermath -- watching Buffy expertly fight the Turok-han, finding Sam hurt and half naked in the chapel, Buffy’s mysterious package -- had driven a group of them to the backyard to talk in private.

“Did you see what she was carrying?” asked Vi while biting her nails.

“I think it was a body,” said Keisha more calmly than the statement justified.

“Like a dead one?” asked Cloé in breathless horror.

“No, it moved,” whispered Naomi, checking over her shoulder to see if anyone in the house was watching.

“No way! I was in the chapel when we got Sam. Whatever it was couldn’t have been alive,” said Gabi.

“It spoke,” insisted Naomi, who had been no closer to Buffy post-fight than the rest of them.

“No!”

“Guys, you’re ignoring the obvious,” said Kate, brushing her heavy black bangs from her eyes. “We ‘ad to remove the anti-demon symbol to get it through the door.”

Gabi shook her head and looked directly at Cloé to calm her. “It can’t be a demon! Buffy wouldn’t bring a demon in the house. She wouldn’t put us in danger like that.”

“Maybe it’s a vampire?” asked Lys, clearly delighted by the idea.

“Like the Slayer would be friends with a vampire,” said Keisha, her eyebrows raised in speculation.

“But she is!” Lys insisted. She pulled a cigarette from her pack and handed it to an expectant looking Kate before pinching another between her lips. “My Watcher said she was friends with a notorious vampire named Angel. I guess he turned his back on his kind or something.”

“I’ve heard them whispering about Angel!” added Naomi.

“My Watcher said she had a fling with Angel,” Vi added. “It was, like, this huge scandal, a Slayer and a vampire. Also, total ew.”

“I dunno,” Lys shrugged. “Sex with a vampire could be hot.”

Keisha curled her lip in disgust. “You are broken and gross.”

Sam remembered being rescued, but the next twenty-four hours was a blur of sleep, hospital noise, and gorging himself on chicken broth. The cold stone floor of the chapel had made his already damaged body ache, and he’d missed several rounds of meds. The exhaustion forced his reeling mind to rest. The nurses came in and out making sure he wasn’t lacking for anything, but mostly he wanted to hide.

Three words. Three words said in Xander’s casual, joking style as he helped him into his car after the rescue: “So Satan, huh?”

They knew. Maybe Dean had told them. Maybe they figured it out. Either way, his secret was out.

When Willow had said she saw darkness in him -- something evil like what was in the vampires -- he wanted to hide, but Willow knew what it was like to wrestle with her inner demons, to quell her dark powers. Even so, there was a difference between one’s own dark side and an evil planted inside.

I am the vessel of Lucifer. Sam couldn’t say the words.

The pain woke him. He’d slept long enough that the sun was dim through the blinds. Blinds? He barely remembered being discharged, yet he’d been returned to Buffy’s house and was laying in Willow’s bed. Reaching for his meds on the night stand, he saw Dawn curled on a trunk at the end of the bed staring at him like a he was an exhibit at a traveling freak show.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said.

“I know,” she said brightly.

She dashed out of the room only to return with a glass of water for him. She perched on the edge of the bed. “Buffy always tells me that my choices are what define me. Screw fate and prophecy.”

He offered her a faint smile. “Sounds like Dean.”

“Maybe that’s why they like each other. They’re just a couple of narcissists.”

Sam laughed, which hurt, but the unexpected joy made his whole body tingle.

“I’m sorry about what happened to you,” Dawn said. “I’m sorry you’re being chased. It was smart of your angel friend to bring you here. If anyone can stop Lucifer, it’s Buffy.”

Her innocent faith broke his heart. He nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s what he was hoping.”

Dawn squeezed his hand. “Get some rest. Running for your life is super exhausting.”

Sam woke in the morning to find Dean on a cot beside him, his hand stretched out toward him as it always was when they shared a motel room.

“Jerk.”

“Bitch,” his brother replied without opening his eyes.

“Your girlfriend saved my ass.”

“She’s fucking awesome.”

After a few days, Sam felt he would go crazy if he had to lie in bed a moment longer. Willow’s soft mattress spawned knots in his back, and he felt bad that she was sleeping on the floor. In the still hours before dawn, he tiptoed around Dean sleeping on a cot and slipped downstairs for some space.

Only there wasn’t any space. Two dozen or so girls, double what he’d remembered before going to the hospital, filled the living room with cots, blankets, and bags.

A mousy redhead by the stairs stirred. She squinted at him with sleepy concern and poked him in the ankle. “Real,” she muttered, before laying down and adjusting her blankets.

A dark-skinned girl wearing what looked liked a dingy hand-me-down Catholic school uniform, complete with small wooden cross, stood at the kitchen counter peeling an orange.

“Good morning,” Sam whispered.

She nodded with a shy smile.

“Just an orange for breakfast?” he asked. She was thin, not sickly, but she would need to add some muscle for training.

The girl nodded, taking a bite of fruit.

“English?”

She pointed at herself. “Jabulela.”

It took a moment before Sam realized that must be her name, not a language he hadn’t heard of. “Sam.”

“Sam,” she repeated, holding the a in the back of her throat.

“Jabulela, parlez-vous français?” he asked, pulling up the six weeks of French he’d taken Freshman year.

Her face lit up. “Je remercie le Seigneur! Quelqu'un à qui parler.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t understand. Ne comprends. Enchanté.”

Jabulela’s shoulders slumped, but she smiled again before returning to her orange.

No doubt, in a few weeks, Buffy would have him and Dean training Potentials. They’d find a translator soon.

Sam slipped two oranges into his sweatshirt pocket and headed for the basement -- the only place they could have possibly tucked Spike in this packed house. The basement was so dark, Sam gripped the rail and felt the steps out with this eyes closed. One step. Two steps. Though Spike didn’t need to sleep, Sam didn’t want to wake him with a light if he’d opted to.

“What are you doing ‘ere, Samuel?” Spike’s voice, though soft, carried a hint of threat.

“It’s just Sam. I brought you an orange.”

“Worried about my vitamin C?” Spike was laying on a cot underneath the manacles they’d locked him in weeks before. A blanket covered his lap, but it was too dark to tell if his legs had regrown to fill the space.

Sam approached him, but as he crossed the demon trap surrounding him, Spike jolted upright and raised a mitted hand in warning. “You should stay back! My pet demon is rearing up you just being ‘ere. Wants me to take you back.”

“Did you recently grow some sporty peglegs I need to worry about?” Sam sat on the end of Spike’s cot. “I’m not afraid of you.”

“I thought you were supposed to be smart,” Spike said earnestly as he watched Sam peel the orange.

“Sometimes I think it’s better to trust people. Want a slice?”

Spike pinned one mitt between his arm and chest, pulling out a bare hand with gnarled, small fingers that clasped around the orange slice. “I don’t need to eat, you know.”

“I know, but it’s nice isn’t it?”

Spike nodded. “Going to need ‘elp getting that mitt back on.”

“What’s up with those?” Sam asked.

“Growing back itches,” Spike paused to suck on his orange. “I don’t want to look at ‘em either.”

They ate a few more slices in silence as the house above them began to buzz with activity. When the first orange was gone, Sam said, “You didn’t have to save me.”

“But who’d peel my oranges?”

Sam chuckled quietly. Spike, or at least the man inside him, couldn’t help but be a hero though he wouldn’t take credit. Had Spike not kept Sam awake, kept the Turok-Han’s attention, stoked Lucifer’s hatred, Sam would have died or been in pieces or both. “I’m sure one of the Potentials would have helped you.”

“Potentials?” said Spike with surprise. “Is that all the ruckus upstairs? Slayer niblets?”

It was Sam’s turn to be surprised. “Have none of them been down to see you?”

Spike shook his head. “Mostly Buffy brings me blood. Willow a few times. Giles popped down once to ask me a bunch of questions. Didn’t even know ‘e was back in town.”

Sam’s experience had been completely different since the rescue. He could only get a moment alone in the bathroom. Dean, Willow, Dawn and Xander were constantly by his side anticipating his every need. It was nice to know they were still his friends even though he was a freak, but the way they treated Spike felt unjust. “What have you been doing down here?”

“Daydreaming. Sleeping. Buffy brought me some books, but--” Spike held up his twisted hand.

Turning on a light and grabbing the book on the top of the pile, Sam began to read, “Chapter one: The Boy Who Lived…”

The sun was up by the time Buffy came down with a happy-faced mug full of warm blood. If she was surprised to find Sam reading Harry Potter to an enthralled vampire, she didn’t show it.

“We’re all crammed in my room,” she said as she absent-mindedly watched Spike drink his blood. “It would be great if you could join us, Sam.”

“‘It would be great if you could join us?’ Way to make a sentencing sound like a birthday party,” Spike grumbled.

Deeply confused, Sam asked, “Why? What’s going on.”

Coldy, Spike said, “They’re sorting out what to do with me, more specifically, who gets to kill me.”

“No one is killing you, Spike,” Buffy said, taking back the blood-stained mug. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Appreciated, but I’m not sure you have a choice.”

“You’re in my house, under my protection. I won’t let anything happen to you,” she promised.

“I’m not sure you have a choice,” Spike repeated slowly.

“Why doesn’t everyone come down here?” Sam asked, as memories of being locked in Bobby’s panic room flooded back. “Spike should get a say.”

Spike shook his head and smiled sadly, “Thanks, mate, but I don’t need to ‘ear exactly ‘ow much some of ‘em want me dead.”

“You’re not dying.” Sam hoped his determination combined with Buffy’s would be enough.

“When you can...” Buffy slipped up the stairs, leaving them in the basement’s uncomfortable quiet.

In the name of the greater good, Sam had killed many people, and he couldn’t blame demon possession for most of them. If Spike was guilty and out of control, then so was he.

By the time he caught up to her, Buffy was by the bathroom arguing with Lys. “I don’t care if you like her or not, French is the only common language Jabulela speaks. Show her around. Explain things.”

“But she’s some sort of religious nut!” Lys exclaimed, waving her hands as if that could hammer the point home.

“She’s a nun and less likely to bite than other people in this house, including me. Go. Do intros.”

Lys squinted at Buffy. “Fine, but you owe me!”

“I’ll get on that,” Buffy muttered as the girl stomped downstairs. “Like I’m not doing enough already.”

“Hey, can we talk?” Sam asked, leaning against the wall for support. “About Spike?”

Buffy raised her eyebrows and sighed. “He is the theme of the day.”

“Spike saved my life down there.”

“He probably did,” she said.

“So would it kill anyone in this house to spend a little time with him?”

Buffy leaned against the wall beside Sam, her head resting on his shoulder. She whispered, “I’m glad you care. Spike’s been through so much and tried so hard to better himself, but I know Dawn and Xander and the others just see the monster who--” He could almost hear her biting her tongue.

“I’ve tried, you know,” she continued. “I went down there the first day and cleaned him up; we talked for hours. But the First tripped something in him. I can see it in his eyes. The demon in him wants to hurt me even if the man doesn’t. I want him to live. Hell, I want him to win, but how can that happen with a time bomb in his chest?”

“So what we need is a way to separate the demon and the man?”

She sighed, the weight of her task pressing the air from her lungs. “We’ve been hitting the books for days, but I can’t find a spell that would help.”

“I know one,” Sam said.

Spike wiggled his toes in his newly tied boots. It had taken nearly two weeks to regrow his body. He stood by his cot and stretched before walking slow laps around his circular cage. He pressed on the air, but nothing he did could get him past the line painted on the floor.

The basement door opened and new footsteps, one of which was thunkingly uneven, descended the stairs. Spike sniffed the air. Engine grease.

“Winchesters!” He turned to see Sam, Dean in a cast, Buffy and Giles standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Come to gloat? Maybe poke the bear a bit?”

“No, we’re here to save your sorry ass,” said Dean.”

Spike pressed his tongue against his teeth and chuckled. “‘Course you are. Gotta fulfill that hero complex.”

“Spike.” How did Buffy fit so much exasperation into one syllable? “Dean and Sam have a plan to help you, maybe.”

Unable to suppress the smirk, he crossed his arms. “Maybe? Maybe if I’m a good boy or maybe it won’t work? Neither sound appealing.”

Leaning against the railing, Giles said, “You yourself said The First has been able to activate the demon within you, use you as a puppet. Do you feel any of its influence now?”

The smirk faded from his face. The demon’s voice was strong and pushy; usually when it was ravenous, Spike felt due for a good slaughter. “It’s like a dog, barking away in my ‘ead.”

“What’s it barking?” Dean asked.

“To kill you. Then turn ‘er,” Spike said, pointing at Buffy. “I - I don’t want to do either.”

“And what’s your plan to deal?” Buffy asked. “Yoga?”

Spike rubbed his tongue on the inside of his teeth, waiting.

Dean began, “So here’s the deal--”

“Not you,” Spike said, locking his eyes on Sam. “Can barely tolerate you. Sam, ‘e’s on my Christmas card list. You wouldn’t lie to a poor devil, would you, Sam?”

With a little color back in his cheeks but his eyes still darkly circled, Sam gazed at the floor as he thought. “It’s a theory, really. If it doesn’t work...you die.”

Spike shrugged.

Sam eased himself to the floor to sit cross-legged just outside of the painted trap. “Vampires are different where we’re from; it’s more like a genetic mutation, but here it’s a form of demon possession. Where we’re from, we would say you, William Pratt, are a vessel, and all we need to do to empty you is an exorcism.”

“Exorcism? Wot with the spinning ‘ead and pea soup?”

Dean and Giles busied themselves looking anywhere but at Spike, yet Buffy stared at him with tears rimming her eyes.

“Kinda? Demons don’t go quietly,” Sam said. “But the bigger problem is that to become a vessel at all, you had to be killed by a vampire. We’ve exorcised a few people who were already dead; they didn’t come to life once the demon was gone.”

Spike nodded. Was there a man inside him able to be saved? He wanted to think so. With the demon gone, would he return to his Victorian self? Sniveling, timid, desperate to please. Spike had never liked William Pratt, which is why he never fought to save him.

But the demon’s voice was getting so loud, filling his head with a thousand horrible things to do to Buffy, to Dean, to everyone in the house. Lucifer’s hooks were in him, and he wanted to be free.

“Do it,” Spike said.

Sam began, “Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus--”

Spike’s body slammed to the ground and pushed back to the other side of the circle, sending his cot flying across the room.

“--et omnis legio diabolica--”

Buffy and Giles rushed to the edge of his cage.

“--Cessa decipere humanas creaturas--”

The demon, furious Buffy didn’t have the balls to kill him, lashed out, “You fucking bitch!”

“--hostis humanae salutis--”

Spike clutched his throat. It felt like his heart was trying to claw its way out.

“--contremisce et effuge--”

Buffy held back tears.

The younger Winchester’s spell was replaced with a deafening roar, like drowning in a tidal wave. Blackness crept into Spike’s vision. He stared at Buffy until the darkness won out.

“--Benedictus deus. Gloria patri.”

Spike coughed and opened his eyes. Cold air rushed into his lungs as his entire body began to tingle. A strange pressure filled his chest as he bounded up the stairs in twos. Rushing past the startled girls in the kitchen, he burst into the backyard where, for the first time in over one hundred and twenty years, the sun glowed warm on his skin.

Read Giles’ dossiers on: Dani Vi Cloé Molly Lys Grace Wook Keisha Leticia Naomi Kate Gabi Jabulela

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technicalsolutions88 · 4 years ago

Link

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https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Iron-Man-Robert-Downey-Keanu-Reeves.mp4

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https://techcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/BLACKPINK-Kylie-Jenner.mp4

from Social – TechCrunch https://ift.tt/2YbX48x Original Content From: https://techcrunch.com

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useyourrwords · 6 years ago

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Month in Review // The Month From Hell – March

This month has given me more breakdowns than I can count.

So maybe it’s not the single worst month I’ve ever lived but honestly, it’s pretty high up there!

Between a car accident, still going through the mess of changing names, pain, oh so much fucking pain, a new doctor who doesn’t know how to help me, and an altercation I wish to just forget, I’m just about ready to hide under my blankets and never leave my room.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option and so I am sitting at me desk at work writing this instead.

If you would like to buy any of the following books please consider using my Book Depository Affliate link!

Month’s TBR

│The Dream Thieves││

│Skylarks││

│The Surface Breaks││

│The Female of the Species│││

│Sharp Objects││

│Blue Lily, Lily Blue││

│Truly Devious││

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses││

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads││

Read

│The Surface Breaks│Lousie O’Neill│││││★★★★│Read Mar 13│

This book was so unapologetically feminist, I loved it.

│The Dream Thieves│The Raven Cycle #2│Maggie Stiefvater│││││★★★★★│Read Mar 25│

I think I jumped into this book too quickly after finishing the first so it took me a while to get through it but I got there eventually.

│Truly Devious│Truly Devious #1│Maureen Johnson│││││DNF Mar 22│

I don’t think fiction audiobooks are for me! at least not ones I haven’t already read. I’m switching to Non-Fic/memoirs and I’ll try rereading a fave eventually to see how I go with that.

│I’ve Got This Round│Mamrie hart││││

After realising ficiton audiobooks weren’t for me I needed a win so I returned Truly Devious for this because i love Mamrie and there’s no way I wouldn’t love this. I was right.

│Skylarks│Karen Gregory│││││

I’ve just been super invested in this one. I don’t know if it’s because i wasn’t reading it regularly since I normally read ARCs while I’m exercising…and I’ve not been exercising like at all this month. I don’t know. I’ll give it another go next month if I have time but otherwise it’ll probably be pushed back to May.

│Rad Girls Can│Kate Schatz│││││

I switched to this ARC since it’s only 112 pages and I figured SURELY I can finish this before the month is up. Nope. So April it is!

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads│Mackenzi Lee│││││

I didn’t do much but at least I got my entries read for both of these!

Book of the Month

│The Female of the Species│Mindy McGinnis││││││★★★★★│Read Mar 31│

Once I realised just how little I read this month and made myself power through this one and omg it was soooo good and worth it. I needed this book this month.

│Average Rating: 4.5★’s│ 5│

Structured TBR Pass or Fail?

│Must Read: 3/5│ 0/1│ 0/0│ 2/2│ 3/3│ 10/10│ 5/5│

│Allowances: 1/1│ 1/1│ 0/0│ 0/0│ 0/1│

Clearly this was a terrible reading month. I got hardly any reading done. I started off relatively strong but then I stopped exercising (for reasons I’ll go into further later in this post) so that was less time spent reading. And then I spent far more time watching TV when I should have been reading because Depression. And the audiobook wasn’t really working out for me so I didn’t get that read either. FUN.

Haul

│Barbed Wire Heart│Tess Sharpe│││

I loved Far From You so when I saw this was available on Netgalley I knew I needed it! And it wasn’t even a request, just one you could immediately download and my international blogger heart is v. v. thankful.

│Vicious│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab││

│Vengeful│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab│││

If you’ve been paying attention to my hauls sections you’re probably thinking “doesn’t Grey already have both of these books and the answer to that is yes absolutely but listen.

I have the paperback copy of Vicious in the old cover art because i bought it years ago…Well my mum bought it for me years ago but same same.

Then it was announced that with the long-awaited release of Vengeful we’d get all new cover art so I knew I’d be re-buying the first no matter what.

And then the collector’s edition came out for Vicious.

So I bought that and then Book Depository listed the hardback for Vengeful as a collector’s edition and so I ordered that as a birthday present to myself.

Only I don’t actually think it is a collector’s edition because it doesn’t say so on the cover or anything but oh well.

So I finally have both books with new covers only I don’t want to read them because if I do, I’ll want to annotate them and I don’t annotate collector’s edition as a rule for myself.

So I had to buy the paperbacks. I just had to. My hands were tied. Did I really have the money to? No, but I’ve had a hard month so fuck it.

Past Grey Reads

Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

Film & TV

Honestly I barely remember what I did actually watch.

Month’s TBW

│The Bold Type│Season 2││

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││

│I Am The Night│Season 1││

│The Umbrella Academy│Season 1││

│Russian Doll│Season 1││

│Sex Education│Season 1││

Watched

│The Bold Type│Season 2││2017│ Sarah Watson│ Katie Stevens, Aisha Dee, Meghann Fahy│★★★★★│

This show is so fucking good, I’m not not so patiently waiting for the third season to come out next month!

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││2013│ Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur│ Andre Braugher, Andy Samberg, Stephanie Beatriz│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

The episode with the murder in the apartment and the making stupid promises to the mum and Jake slowly going crazy and Rosa with a different hair style every scene??? Iconic!

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││2009│ RuPaul│RuPaul, Michelle Visage│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

Between Miss Vanjie being the narrator of the season (and maybe my fave of all time), her hoemance with Brooke Lyn Heights, Yvie’s take no shit, own your shit attitude and Plastique’s fish???? I am in love with this season.

I could do without Silky’s obnoxious everything and R. Kelly style Untucked breakdowns but whatever.

│Russian Doll│Season 1││2019│ Leslye Headland, Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler│ Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee│★★★★★│

I am in love with Russian Doll and everything about it. It’s short, it’s smart, it’s quality TV and it’s fucking funny.

│Sex Education│Season 1││2019│ Laurie Nunn│ Asa Butterfield, Gillian Anderson, Emma Mackey│★★★★★│

This show is stupid funny but it’s also super intelligent and important. This is such a good show for teens to have easy access to and I can’t wait for the new season.

│Queer Eye│Season 3││2018│ Bobby Berk, Karamo Brown, Tan France │★★★★★│

This season had me crying my eyes out and I loved every second of it.

But my favourite moment is when Jody, on the first episode, comes out for the big reveal and the guys all lose their fucking minds! Especially Karamo’s and Antoni’s reactions. They were absolutely fucking gold.

│Game of Thrones│Season 1││2011│ David Benioff, D.B. Weiss│ Emilia Clarke, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington│★★★★│

I mean, yes I am well aware of the problems Game of Thrones have and I am trash for it anyway. Is it as amazing as I initially thought?? Not at all but I’m in too deep now I can’t just not watch the final season.

So here I am re-watching the entire show with my mum to drag it out just a little longer and hopefully by the time we’re all caught up the final season, in it’s entirety, will be well and truly out.

I just have to try and avoid spoilers until then…which should actually be very easy because of something I’ll announce in my Month Ahead post.

Me after this month.

Music

│YUNGBLUD│11 Minutes + Halsey│Loner│Falling Skies + Charlotte Lawrence│

│Dodie│Burned Out│

│Troye Sivan + Lauv│i’m so tired…│

│Noah Cyrus│Sadness│Good Cry│

│Julia Michaels│Anxiety + Selena Gomez│Happy│

│Steve Aoki│Waste It on Me + BTS│

Past Grey Watches

Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

Use Your Words Highlights

Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

Top Ten Tuesday // Audible and Overdrive Are My Lords & Saviors – My Audiobook TBR

Blogosphere Highlights

│Laura @ The Book Corps│#UNSOLVEDATHON: A BUZZFEED UNSOLVED READATHON — ANNOUNCEMENT AND SIGN UP!│#UNSOLVEDATHON BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS!│

│Elise @ The Bookish Actress│Why I’m Not Honestly That Excited for Game of Thrones: Season Eight│Eighteen Things I’ve Learned In My First Eighteen Years│

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│True Crime Tuesday: The Moors Murders│

│Jamieson @ Jamishelves│IF YOU LIKE THIS BOOK YOU’LL LIKE THIS TV SHOW !│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│Stressed About College? These Book Recs Are For You!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│5 TIPS ON ANNOTATING YOUR BOOKS!│

│Marie @ Drizzle & Hurricane Books│10 YA BOOKS DEALING WITH ANXIETY│

│Avery @ Red Rocket Panda│DOWN THE TBR HOLE | USING THE #KONMARIE METHOD FOR MY PHYSICAL SHELVES│

│Fadwa @ Word Wonders│#DIVERSEBOOKBLOGGERSDISCUSS: THE FANTASY OF HISTORICAL ROMANCE│(SOME) BOOK BLOGGING PRESSURES & HOW TO FIGHT THEM│WORD WONDERS’ TBR EXPANSION: BOOKS WITH EAST AND SOUTH EAST ASIAN MAIN CHARACTERS│MY PRODUCTIVITY TOOLS – OR HOW TO BE A MASTER ORGANIZER!│

│Aurora @ Aurora Librialis│5 Book Quotes for International Women’s Day│

│Swetlana @ The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│6 Reasons To Watch On My Block│

│Qui @ The Black Lit Queen│Diversity vs. Representation|BLQ Quick Guide│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Write Scenes that Balance Plot & Character // Scene and Sequel Sequences│

Past Month In Review

Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

Month in Review // I FINALLY CHANGED MY NAME – February

Month’s Goals

Get my mental health plan

Book a therapy session I have to wait until April ahhhhhhhh

Get a massage from mum —I just always forget okay

Try and take a mental health day

Try and take a mental health day later in the month

Keep my shit together —HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Start journaling —I will get to this eventually…

Quit soft drink

Start floor exercises—I keep adding this and never get around to it. —I couldn’t even go for my walks for most of the month so…

Try and read 5 books —I can’t even say I tried.

Don’t waste all my time on The Sims

Go to Writers Week

Considering how shit this month was I count 7/12 goals reached a fucking accomplishment!

My Nightmare Month

So it started well enough. I went to Writers Week on two different days and thoroughly enjoyed myself! but then i got into a car accident on the way to my third day.

Which was stressful and anxiety inducing. It’s been a nightmare to work through all the aftermath. I didn’t know if the accident would be covered by insurance or if I would even hear from the person who hit me. And then when I did get the good news of being covered I basically had to micromanage the insurance company because they did everything slow and I couldn’t afford slow. So that was loads of phone calls which is something that causes me anxiety so YAY.

It’s mostly all sorted out. I still need to take my plates in and get a refund on my rego which I tried to do a couple days ago and got frustrated so that’s a task for another day.

I did get to go to the Fringe Festival and see Daniel Sloss’s new comedy special which was absolutely brilliant! He talked about rape culture and really put the onus on men and how they need to work and go out of their way to think critically of themselves and society and what they can do to dismantle rape culture. I laughed and sobbed. My mum nearly pissed herself laughing and it was a great night out with to die for Sri-Lankan food hot buttered squid will blow your fucking mind! and I discovered that I like to drink Pimms.

Throughout the month I’ve still been sorting out my name change because that is a long and drawn out process of changing my name everywhere and hitting road blocks constantly has be incredibly frustrating but I’m nearly finished!

I have also been doing all of this while in incredible pain because chronic illness.

My March mood

Basically my feet have been very painful, I knew the solution, doctor refused me, mum took me to a doctor who knows our history and I got the solution so I can actually start walking regularly again which will help my mental health loads.

My mum also took me to replace all of my shoes which was both expensive and needed so I have the best shoes for walking and working and running around doing errands and going out!

I was ready to end the month on a positive. Sure the start had rattled me a lot, and I was big depressed because of pain for most of it but I did have a few great experiences and I’d resolved almost all the long running issues.

And then while I was waiting for mum to finish work a couple of days ago, I sat and read in the foodcourt.

A man approached me and invaded my personal space and stared at me, knowing it would make me uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that it distracted me from the fact he was trying to steal my purse.

Thankfully I noticed at the last minute and grabbed it back because I would have been a fucking mess if I had gone to all the trouble replacing everything in my purse with my new name on it, only to have to do it all over again because someone stole my it all.

The man walked off but I would be lying if I said it didn’t terrify me. The way he stared at me was so unnerving and I don’t handle people being in my personal space…like at all. Even people I know and trust have to always ask permission first. I don’t let men I know in my personal space at all because I know what men are capable of. But to have a man I don’t know get in my face with the purpose to make me uncomfortable, especially after the month I’ve had, was enough for me to completely come undone.

I’m thankful for the cleaner for checking up on me, even though I burst into tears, and I’m thankful for the girl who approached me after as well to try and be supportive.

She had fire in her eyes and in that moment I had wished that that was what I looked like instead of the girl I was, not being able to hold back tears and trying to keep calm in the middle of an anxiety attack.

More than anything, I’m thankful for my mum for being so supportive and understanding and being exactly what I needed her to be and for calling out the men who made things worse, while trying to help, when I didn’t have the strength to.

I’ve argued with myself on whether to share this and maybe I might delete it all before it gets published, but I think it’s important for women to share their experiences with how men have preyed upon them, whether sexually or not, and how men continue to use their power to get what they want from us, regardless of the negative impact it has on us.

I just—girls, women, know that if something like this happens to you, if something worse happens to you, it’s not your fault, it’s never your fault. The way you react to it is right because it’s your experience and your emotions. I’m trying to remind myself of that.

And men, know that if you’re not actively trying to stop this shit from happening, aren’t pulling your friends up for those gross comments they make, then you’re part of the fucking problem. I don’t want to hear that you personally would never do this. That shit isn’t enough. It’s never been enough. This all lies at your feet and fuck you for helping to hold up a society that makes us think any of it is our own fault.

And if something like this happens to a girl or woman you know then ask her what she needs, ask her the best way for you to help. Because nine times out of ten the way you react naturally is going to be the complete fucking opposite of what she needs and you might make things worse. And that’s on you, not her.

Past Month Ahead

Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

Month Ahead // Writers Week, Comedy & Too Much To Do – March

Thank fuck March is over.

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

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useyourrwords · 6 years ago

Text

Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

Christmas is officially done and dusted and honestly, I am so fucking thankful.

I loved Christmas day but the days leading up to Christmas? I’m good thanks, can I get Christmas without them next year?

Between the chaos that is Christmas and the extra shifts at work (plus a month-long convoluted promotion) and no longer having a best friend, because of course, I am ready to disappear for at least a year.

Sadly I can’t do that so here we are to discuss my month!

December

Month’s TBR

I didn’t set one!

Read

│Lady Mary│Lucy Worsley │

│

│★★★│Read Dec 18│

│ This was fine??? A little boring, but I actually didn’t mind the MC and was surprised that I got through it? Maybe only having to read it in 30 minutes spurts while I was exercising did this book, and me, a favour.

│The Monsters We Deserve│Marcus Sedgewick │

│

│★★★│Read Dec 27│ This was confusing but I liked it??? Convinced me to read Frankenstein though!

Book of the Month

│To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before│To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before│Jenny Han│

│

│★★★★│Read Dec 26│

│ This was so stinking cute! I think I might like the film a little better but this was still a very good read and I look forward to the rest of the books in the series!

Look at all those books.

Listen, December was tough, take pity on me, please.

│December│ARC: 2│Owned: 1│Library Loans: 0│Reread: 0│Diversity: 2/3│Average Rating: 3.5★’s│

Haul

I was too busy to buy books!

Film & TV

Month’s TBW

│Charmed│Season 1│

│

│Drag Race All Stars│Season 4│

│

│Boy Erased│

│

│Robin Hood│

│

│Widows│

│

│The Grinch│

│

│Wreck-It Ralph│

│

│Ralph Breaks the Internet│

│

│Elf│

│

│How The Grinch Stole Christmas│

│

│Ratatouille│

│

│Buzzfeed Unsolved│

│

I actually got through Charmed very quickly and I have no idea how???

All Stars 4 has only just started but I’m already up to date!

I kind of watched Wreck-It Ralph and by kind of I put it on and sort of paid attention. Oops.

I was planning on seeing Ralph breaks the internet with my nephews but they want to see Bumblebee instead so I guess I’ll watch it next month!

I didn’t watch Ratatouille because I didn’t end up having a movie day with my (now ex?) best friend.

And I don’t think I’ve watched any Buzzfeed Unsolved but I don’t think there has been any new episodes?

Watched

│Charmed│Season 1│

│1998│

Constance M. Burge│

Holly Marie Combs, Alyssa Milano, Brian Krause│★★★★│ Fave Sister: Isn’t everyone’s Phoebe?? So much nostalgia attached to this series! I loved it!

│Drag Race All Stars│Season 4│

│2012│

RuPaul│

RuPaul, Michelle Visage│★★★★│ Fave One-liner This Season: “Yeah, well some of us don’t have to force story-lines to get air time” -Farrah Moan. I am living.

│Boy Erased│

│2018│

Joel Edgerton│

Lucas Hedges, Nicole Kidman, Joel Edgerton│★★★★│ Fave Character: Gary & Cameron This was soooo good and I cried.

│Robin Hood│

│2018│

Otto Bathurst│

Taron Egerton, Jamie Foxx, Ben Mendelsohn │★★★★│ Fave Part: I loved all of it! I kind of wasn’t expecting what I got from this?? But I loved it. Big on revolution and I was all for it.

│Widows│

│2018│

Steve McQueen│

Viola Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Elizabeth Debicki│★★│ Fave Character: Veronica: [to her gang] Now the best thing we have going for us, is being who we are. Alice: Why ? Veronica: Because no-one thinks we have the balls to pull this off. I hated it. That’s harsh, I didn’t hate it. I was just confused literally the whole time.

│The Grinch│

│2018│

Yarrow Cheney, Scott Mosier│

Benedict Cumberbatch, Cameron Seely, Rashida Jones│★★★★│ Fave Character: Cindy-Lou I went and saw this with my sister and it was good, not How The Grinch Stole Christmas good but still alright.

│Wreck-It Ralph│

│2012│

Rich Moore│

John C. Reilly, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch│★★★│ Fave Character: Vanellope I put this on for me and mum to watch and neither of us paid any attention. Sometimes we’re just not in the right head space for a movie.

│Elf│

│2003│

Jon Favreau│

Will Ferrell, James Caan, Bob Newhart│★★★★│ Fave Scene: When Buddy eats the cotton balls. I watched this with my sister for the first time and I really enjoyed it!

│How The Grinch Stole Christmas│

│2000│

Ron Howard│

Jim Carrey, Taylor Momsen, Kelley│★★★★★│ Fave Part: All of it. The ultimate Christmas movie, fight me about it. I watch it every year and this year I watched it with my sister!

│Hannibal│Season 1│

│2013│

Bryan Fuller│

Hugh Dancy, Mads Mikkelsen, Caroline Dhavernas│★★★★│ Fave Part: That everyone is unknowingly eating human meat. I’m really enjoying this so far!

│The Holiday│

│2006│

Nancy Meyers│

Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law │★★★★│ Fave Line: “You’re supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God’s sake!” I forgot how much I like this movie!

│Bumblebee│

│2008│

Travis Knight│

Hailee Steinfeld, Jorge Lendeborg Jr., John Cena │?│ I’m also seeing Bumblebee tomorrow but this is going up early so I’ve got no star rating yet.

Youtube

│Meghan Rienks│

│★★★★★│ Fave Video: YULE LOG ∙| baking with meghan |∙ BAKEMAS DAY 1 I stan one (1) ADHD baking blonde.

│Lily Marston│

│★★★★★│ Fave Video: Dressing Up As Each Other ft. KELSEY DARRAGH Since the whole Defy Media debacle, I’ve been watching a lot of the old hosts’ videos to support them! I’ve always really loved Lily and her laid-back attitude and disaster vibes.

Music

│Camila Cabello│She Loves Control│Consequences│Into It│Something’s Gotta Give│Inside Out│In the Dark│

│Madison Beer│Say It To My Face│Dead│HeartLess│Hurts Like Hell (Feat. Offset)│

│Halsey│Without Me│

│Little Mix│Joan of Arc│Monster in Me│

│The Greatest Showman Reimagined│Never Enough (Kelly Clarkson)│This Is Me (Kesha)│Rewrite the Stars (James Arthur & Anne-Marie)│

Podcasts

│My Favorite Murder│

Karen Kilgariff, Georgia Hardstark│★★★★★│ Fave Quotes: “The devil made me do bad math”, “All I wanna talk about at parties is horrible, terrible things”, “He’s polite, he’s charming, and he’s calm, just like any good psychopath would be”, “It’s always raining inside of me” Fave Episode: Of recent, 145 – Live at the Mircosoft Theater in Los Angeles. They did a show for 7000 people for Halloween! Uhhhh Guys they had Cameron Britton AKA Mindhunter’s Ed Kemper on to tell his Hometown on the Halloween Live Show!!!!!

│Unsung Sluts│

Stacie Rasmussen, Tabitha Davis│★★★★★│ Fave Quote: “If you can’t beat them, lead them.” Fave Episode: Episode 12 – Witches and Banshees

│History is Gay│

Gretchen Ellis, Leigh Pfeffer│★★★★★│ Fave episode: Episode 8: Nazi Punks F**k Off, Pt 1: Magnus Hirschfeld & Episode 17: He’s a Real Wilde One (Oscar Wilde)

│Do You Need a Ride│

Karen Kilgariss, Chris Fairbanks│★★★★☆│ This is a new one I’ve just started listening to and so far so good!

│88 Cups of Tea│

Yin Chang│★★★★☆│ Fave part: Learning that Victoria Schwab is a top shelf gay. Fave Episode: V.E. SCHWAB: Bonus Full Episode Guys that episode is over three hours long! This podcast is for every author ever, aspiring or otherwise!

Use Your Words Highlights

Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

Bookish Bits // Library Love – 2018

Grey Watches // Give Jim Cary or Nothing – How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Grey Watches // I Love Stupid Funny – Elf

Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

Blogosphere Highlights

│Destiny @ Howling Libraries│ANNOUNCEMENT: LATE-A-THON!│

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│Booknerd Wednesday: My Holiday Wishlist!│

│Elise @ The Bookish Actress│THE LEGACIES WE CHOOSE TO LEAVE│

│Jamieson @ Jamishelves│T5W: BOOKS TO GIVE TO SAGITTARIUS PEOPLE│

│Aurora @ Aurora Librialis│The Most Beautiful Books of 2018 │

│Swetlana @ The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│Bloggers Recommend Their Favorite Books Part 1 // Blogmas Day 8│Bloggers Recommend Their Favorite Books Part 2 // Blogmas Day 17│Reacting To Popular Books You Guys Won’t Read // Blogmas Day 19│

│Marija @ Inside My Library Mind│The Ultimate Character Reading List feat. Blogging Friends│Character Reading Lists│Arya Stark’s Reading List│Hermione Granger’s Reading List│Nina Zenik’s Reading List│Ronan Lynch’s Reading List│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│The Double Standard Applied to POC in the Book Community│Favorite Feel-Good Reads, Why They’re Important, & Life Updates!│

│May @ Forever and Everly│To All the Books that Emotionally Wrecked Me This Year & Why I Cried Over More Books in 2018 than Ever Before│

│Taryn @ Taryn and Her Books│ON CONSUMERISM IN THE BOOK COMMUNITY & MY 2019 BUYING BAN | DISCUSSION│

│Ashley @ The Infinite Library│Let’s Talk: About Sex, Baby…in YA Fiction (Part 1)│

│Sofia @Bookish Wandress│6 Diverse YA Contemporaries That You Should Read: 2018 Edition│

│Natasha @Sapphic Solace│Discussion: The I realised I Was Queer Because of You Trope, Why I Love It, and Some of My Favourite Examples│

│Lily @ Sprinkle of Dreams│Bookish Musings & Discussion Time // “How Objective are ARC Reviews?” by Vicky Who Reads│

Month’s Goals

Try and post 4 times a week like I have been!

I wanna try audiobooks again???

No Borrowing library books unless they’re holds or audiobooks

Continue going on walks 4-5 times a week. 3 at the very least!

Keep up with Bullet Journal because it actually helps me get shit done and be less of a mess.

Try not to eat loads of takeaway, even though I’m gonna be super busy and tired, unless unavoidable.

Make one of Chrissy Teigen’s recipes because they look Bomb af

I mostly kept up with my blogging schedule!

I didn’t find an audiobook I wanted to read available from my library so I just didn’t listen to any. Plus I’m annoyed at myself because Audible had like a 3 months free trial thing happening and I forgot to sign up until the day after the promotion ended. Also from what I hear the American Audible is better so I don’t know if maybe I should sign up for that one?? I know when I was signed up, I was with the UK one because it was better but I don’t know if they let you do that anymore? If anyone can help me I’d really appreciate it! Also, $17 a month is just a lot of month to me.

I haven’t been to the library unless it was to return books!

I realised that the Bullet Journaling gives me too much power! Here’s the thing, I like things to be customisable because I work out what I want and get angry when I can’t do things that way. Unfortunately, I think Bullet Journals are too customisable for me and isn’t really working?? I don’t know. I’m going to look into other diaries for the new year and see if I can find something that fits me better.

I did eat more takeaway than last month so that’s not great but I also didn’t eat more than I used to so that’s good and what I did eat of it were mostly small things. Still not great though!

I’m trying to make @chrissyteigen’s Chicken Pot Pie recipe and I’ve burnt the crust, it’s taking me ages, my arm is sore, everything is in American measurements, I thought I’d get it done in an hour like an idiot who doesn’t read recipes through properly and I wanna die.

— Greyson (@useyourrwords) December 23, 2018

I Did Things

I went to the movies with my mum twice this month!

I also went to the movies with my sister which was good! Then we came home and watched Christmas movies together and things got a little emotional and there was a little miscommunication but we worked it out and I’m hoping that we spend some more time together in the coming weeks.

My sister and I both don’t really have a whole lot of people we’re close to. We’re introverts but we also craving some socialising to a point so I think it’ll be good to have us spend some time together. It would also be nice to grow closer to her because I know we both are in need of people we can trust and talk to openly.

My mum and I babysat my Nephew this month as well and it was so much fun. He’s such an easy baby! Literally you can sit him on the couch and he’ll bounce himself off the back of the lounge for hours. He put himself to sleep doing it. Twice.

He’s very cute!

Uhhhh I Maybe No Longer Have A Best Friend?

Long story short I told my best friend of over 10 years that I was officially and legally changing my name for Christmas (it was never a secret that I wanted to change it, she’s known for years) and she didn’t react well at all.

I was firm and told her that if she wanted to continue in my life she had to respect me, and that includes respecting my name and be prepared for big changes ahead.

I’ve given her space to process and decide but haven’t heard from her since so I don’t know, it’s a bit up in the air but I’m handling it surprisingly well so maybe it’s a sign that us parting is for the best???

I don’t want to lose her, but I won’t lose myself to keep her. I won’t sacrifice pieces of myself for the sake of others anymore. All that does is validate toxic behaviour and cost me my health and happiness.

She was kind of my only actual real-life friend who I speak with outside of work so uh good thing I’m too busy to feel lonely.

But I’m super grateful for the people I’ve met through the book community, having this blog and talking to you all reminds me that I’m not really alone. I just have to reach out to people which is, um…not easy for me but I’m trying to work on it.

I hope y’all had a great month to end 2018 on!

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

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