#( * denotes the original cover the audio file was spliced from )

[rkxsungwoon-blog]

✦ — MGA4 EPISODE 2: PANEL AUDITION #4048: HA SUNGWOON ; skill: singing + playing the guitar performance: attention — charlie puth ( 0:00 - 1:29 ) [ x ] *

when the episode airs, sungwoon is lying upside-down on the couch, trying to shovel popcorn into his mouth without choking. the house is empty, he’s bored, and the sudden influx of free time summer vacation brings has him feeling some kind of way. it’s not a bad way, really. he just isn’t used to not being busy, and laziness threatens to settle into his bones like a permanent state of being. when he’s not at work, he’s parked in front of the tv, binge-watching whatever shows he can. there are more productive ways to spend his time, sure, but the tv is right there and—

he wasn’t really planning to watch the mga episode. after the auditions, sungwoon had embraced realism and come to terms with the fact that he’d be lucky if his performance aired. it wasn’t really about skill—he just knew he didn’t belong there. woojin was right; what did people like them have to do with a show like that? he only regretted he’d wasted a whole day on the process, especially since his boss kept harping on him about taking the time off. it was a good experience regardless, but he’s ready to move on and return to the comfort of empty enigma.

but that’s him—his face on screen, his height, his voice. sungwoon drops the bowl of popcorn on his face in his haste to try and sit straight. that’s him and daniel ( oh fuck, sorry daniel… and daniel’s parents ) right there on the fucking screen—through the numbing disbelief spreading through his body, he wonders if they had to point out his height like that. he should’ve worn shoelifts. i’m going to wear shoelifts next time, sungwoon thinks, because there will, apparently, be a next time: one more performance before eliminations.

( it doesn’t feel real ).

the feeling never quite fades, not as he begins practicing and trying to pull a half decent performance together, not as he stares at the messages piling up on his phone, classmates and coworkers sending him screencaps of his form. ㅎㅎㅎ hyung you’re so short makes up the bulk of their well-wishes, and sungwoon stops answering entirely after the first few days. all empty enigma practices and gigs are put on hold, but he hangs out with daniel whenever he can. after all, in the immortal words of troy bolton, they’re all in this together.

sometimes the apology for dragging daniel into all this almost spills from his mouth, but he can’t get it past his teeth in end, not wanting to draw more attention to the situation more than they already have. instead, sungwoon does his best to hype daniel up as much as possible, believing in his bandmate more than he believes in himself. daniel has that self-effacing, easy charisma wrapped around him, and sungwoon wholeheartedly trusts he’ll blow up once he has the chance to show the judges ( and the nation ) his guitar skills.

on the other hand, dejection settles over sungwoon the more he replays the mga episode. you don’t belong there, his brain yells, the part of his brain that is completely and utterly sungwoon. squall would have choice words for him ( squall’s never felt the crawling sensation of being uncomfortable in your own skin ), but squall has choice words for everything. sungwoon wishes he could talk to someone about his doubts. but he’s not willing to prove woojin right by saying anything to him, and he can’t say anything to daniel, his champion, the one person who thinks he does belong there. in the end, there’s nothing left for him to do but swallow his fears and suck it the fuck up.

sungwoon arrives at the venue with his guitar slung over his back, hair falling over his eyes as he stares through his fringe at the other contestants passing by. a lot of them radiate confidence in spades, dressed up and ready to slay up on stage. he recognizes quite a few faces from the first episode, and several of them make him bristle involuntary; talented individuals he knows are already fan favorites. one of the few perks of having a little sister who cares about this stuff is that she keeps him updated ( she’s also in love with someone named junmyeon? which, alright, cool, sungwoon is not going to get his autograph for her ).  

swallowing, he brushes his hair back and adjusts the strap of his guitar case, trying to seem busy. it’ll be alright. he knows how to perform on stage, how to fill it with his presence and command attention. if he has to borrow from squall today, he’ll do it. sungwoon just doesn’t like the idea of leaving things halfway. even if he understands he’s a fish out of water, he’ll still do the best he possibly can—for himself, if no one else. after accepting his number ( #4048: solid, sexy ), he makes his way to where the contestants are seated, heaving a sigh of relief as he realizes he’s next to daniel. good; they could both use the moral support.

the inside of the recording studio verges on overwhelming. the stage is nice, the lighting is cool, but the cameras everywhere are disconcerting. sungwoon isn’t used to being filmed constantly like this. as one zooms in on him, he gives the camera a two fingered salute and wave before it moves on. he’s going to have to get comfortable, fast, but luckily ( or unluckily, depends on how you spin it ), he’s supposed to be one of the last people to perform. that gives him some time to go over his performance in his mind… but also more time to enjoy the rest of the performances.

and there are a lot, each one of them of high quality. the dancers capture his attention the most; it’s human nature to be envious of skills you don’t have. sungwoon nudges daniel after the first of the performances and leans over. “what if i get up on stage and—” he mimes screaming into a microphone while headbanging. “d’you think one of the judges would faint in shock?” part of him is joking, but the other part wants to get up on stage and channel squall. his persona is the safest and easiest for sungwoon, after all, and he thinks squall would shine in front of the cameras, though maybe not in front of the judges.

he settles back into watching the performances, though daniel still gets to deal with the brunt of his reactions. most of which consist of sagging against in him like a deflated car dealership noodle balloon when someone particularly good performs or sungwoon hitting him in excitement or despair depending on how he’s feeling about whoever’s up on stage. there’s one person in particular he almost topples out of his chair for, mouth forming a large ‘O’ in surprise as he sees woojin’s friend ( and the empty enigma fan! ) on stage dancing to gashina, but he doesn’t think about the potential ramifications of that just yet, choosing to instead applaud as hard as he can when the kid is done.

finally, it’s his turn. “contest #4048, ha sungwoon! please come up to the stage.” brushing his hair back one last time, sungwoon gives daniel a thumbs up and a bright grin before picking up his guitar and approaching the stage. his expression is in stark contrast to the nerves he’s experiencing inside, but he’s done this enough to know how to fake it. his apprehension will fade once he’s onstage, anyway ( he hopes ). 

standing in front of his judges, he dips into a low bow and accidentally knocks his forehead against the guitar’s neck. letting out a sheepish laugh, he rubs his forehead and quickly gives his greeting. “hello everyone! i’m your resident tiny giant, ha sungwoon.” he’s poking some fun at the whole height issue—it’s better to just embrace it, in the end. “i’ll be singing charlie puth’s ‘attention’ for you today. thank you for giving me this opportunity!”

( he also whispers a quiet ‘ha sungwoon, fighting!’ under his breath because he needs the encouragement ).

you've been runnin' round, runnin' round, runnin' round throwing that dirt all on my name 'cause you knew that i, knew that i, knew that i'd call you up baby, now that we're, now that we're, now that we're right here standing face-to-face you already know, already know, already know that you won

i know that dress is karma, perfume regret you got me thinking 'bout when you were mine and now i'm all up on ya, what you expect? but you're not coming home with me tonight

sungwoon’s initial choice had been something faster, more intense, more like the music he sang on stage night after night. his plan was to bring out his electric guitar, falling right into his comfort zone and take the judges and audience by surprise. but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed… safe. his goal during the auditions had been to prove to himself that he could sing ballads too. he wanted to showcase a different side of himself. but these auditions tempted him to fall back into old habits, the style of music he was used to. but no one got anywhere by staying in their comfort zone. this wasn’t squall’s audition anyway; it was sungwoon’s. he could leech off squall’s confidence and charisma for this performance, but he didn’t want it to be about him.

so he’d chosen an english pop song with the help of his younger sister. english was not a strength, but he’d spent hours upon hours practicing his pronunciation. it’s not perfect by a long shot, but a far cry from the country hick he expected to sound like. he sings each word with care, his fingers busy with the acoustic accompaniment. the heartbroken man is a skin he can wear easily, but there’s more than heartbreak to this song: frustration, desperation, low simmering anger tied together with repressed desire. he does his best to express that with his voice, beginning slower and gentle before building up to the climax, a more frenzied style of singing to showcase the full height of the emotions.

i know that dress is karma, perfume regret you got me thinking 'bout when you were mine and now i'm all up on ya, what you expect? but you're not coming home with me tonight

you just want attention you don't want my heart maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new yeah, you just want attention i knew from the start you're just making sure i'm never gettin' over you

there’s no awkwardness on stage here. sungwoon bares his heart as he sings, eyes shut, dividing his focus between the guitar and his vocals. a couple of his lines have a slurred quality to them on purpose; it’s a song he imagines is delivered after a couple of bottles of soju, involuntary and unhappily, with emotions running high. the equivalent of drunk-dialing an ex, if he had to say. he’d spent a lot of time to come to this conclusion too, but sungwoon believes he can’t sing a song properly unless he understands it.

it’s not the most dynamic stage, especially not when compared with those who can sing and dance at the same time, but he hopes his performance makes the audience—and the viewers—feel something nonetheless. music’s meant to entertain, but if it doesn’t mean something, what good is it anyway? he lays it all on the line here on stage; after all, he thinks it’s probably the last time he’ll get an opportunity like this and he doesn’t want to leave with regrets.

what are you doin'? hey what are you doin'? what are you doin'? what are you doin'? you just want attention i knew from the start you're just making sure i'm never gettin' over you, oh

his voice cracks slightly under the strain of emotion in the first line; technical skill means little if you can’t emote properly. it’s an anguished plea torn from his lips almost against his will, and if he didn’t have his guitar, this is the part where he’d fall on his knees with an arm outstretched. instead, he finishes with a final oh~ and steps away from the mic, eyes fluttering open. with another quick bow ( this time making sure he doesn’t injure himself ), he returns to his seat. the minute he sees daniel, his face morphs into an ugly expression one second away from crying before he remembers the cameras are still around.

either way, he doesn’t have time to dissect his performances and his mistakes. the competition rolls on, eventually bringing daniel up on stage, and sungwoon cheers so loudly he almost keels over coughing because of the strain he puts on his throat for that. but daniel deserves it and all of his encouragement. after daniel, the performances taper off into nothing, leaving sungwoon and the rest of the contestants to self-reflect about how they did. as a perfectionist, it’s tough for him to be satisfied with anything he does, but sungwoon knows he couldn’t have done more. all of them here left a part of themselves up on that stage. how can you find fault with such raw and authentic performances?

and maybe he doesn’t belong here, but sungwoon sure as fuck made himself felt. if he goes out now, he’ll do it holding his head high.