#( i always wanna do pride icons but wind up forgetting & not remembering until pride ends 🥺 )

[wiredsmi1e]

should i make a pride icon for suzie's new blog . . .

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Apprentice

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Uhhhhh yep!! I can’t even believe how different it was. Every scene has taken on an entirely different colour and flavour in my memory. I skimmed far too much the first time, yes, but also I just went into it with the wrong framework. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my mum recommended me these books on the basis of my love of A Song of Ice and Fire. She directly compared them and said how similar they were. Because of RotE’s length I had been putting it off for years, and only finally picked up Assassin’s Apprentice because I was itching to do an ASOIAF reread but was (and am) trying to wait until Winds of Winter to do it. 

So you can imagine the difficulty settling into a book like Assassin’s Apprentice when you’re expecting Game of Thrones. I remember my overall impression on my first read being that it was a pretty standard fantasy novel with the only really exceptional thing about it being the characters and their relationships. Characters are always my top priority so it was enough to keep me invested and progressing onto the next book and the rest of the series, but I did so not having absorbed nearly as much as I should have from the first book in the series.

Now, just from revisiting that first book, my understanding of Fitz and the world he operates in has exponentially increased and I know that will transform my experience of every book going forward. I really made sure to make myself slow down and read every word; absorb descriptions and just be in each moment without racing to the next one. Overall this book (and all the Fitz books) are much more concerned with the human condition and the effects of abuse and trauma and deep loneliness than being an epic fantasy. In fact it barely reads like fantasy at all; it’s incredibly grounded and focused. Of course the elements are there, but while Assassin’s Apprentice may not be as subversive as the rest of the series, it is certainly not generic fantasy. This book just feels alive to me now in a way it didn’t before against the rest of the series. I can regard it as a beautiful piece of the puzzle in its own right instead of just the setup. I wanna reiterate I always really liked Assassin’s Apprentice but it just paled in comparison to my unholy obsession with the rest of it. Idk this reread just really shifted a lot of things into perspective for me and I’m excited!!

Something you can’t believe you forgot

So so much but most ridiculous GALEN IS QUEEN DESIRE’S BASTARD am I dumb??? I didn’t even remember until it was explicitly stated lol

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

It’s gotta be a tie between the Fool, Kettricken and Patience (realising there is a common theme here of Fitz making an idiot of himself). I genuinely was laughing so hard when Fitz is like, actively making himself smaller and so pleased with himself trying to help the Fool, and of course the Fool’s iconic “listen you idiot” ugh it’s just chef’s kiss baby, that’s what we in the biz call a meet-cute! (I know they have seen each other before, but this is the first time the Fool talks to Fitz). Then of course we have Kettricken who poisons Fitz at their first meeting, and Patience who Fitz continuously embarrasses himself in front of before even realising who she is. The fact that all three of these people end up being some of Fitz’s only genuinely loving relationships makes it even better.

Favourite character arcs

I think I’ve gotta go with Verity and Burrich. Verity goes from kind of a bloke’s bloke (he was so different in the beginning than I remembered!) to being a proper King-in-Waiting. He is self-sacrificial but not for pride; he genuinely cares deeply for his people, as a whole and as individuals, and will do anything it takes to protect them. He is far from perfect, and he could have done a lot more for Fitz when he was younger, but once Fitz is in his eyeline and he is confronted with the life the boy has led he seems suitably shamed and tries to do his best for him. He’s a good boy and I love him!

Burrich of course is just. unlucky. His health deteriorates due to injuries. He gets saddled with some kid and is burdened to bring him up to an impossible standard he has set himself (to not shame a man he has an impossibly high opinion of). He’s deprived of a job he loved and was good at, and most importantly he’s deprived of his boyfriend I mean lover I mean “master”.

His arc is not a happy one at all but it is compelling, and I can’t help but love him and feel for him despite also disagreeing with him on almost everything :)

Favourite quote/s

Unfortunately I don’t have any tabs atm so I couldn’t really keep track, but my heart exploded when Fitz said to the Fool after going into his room, “I wish I had a place that were as much me as that place is you.”

Favourite relationships

Fitz/Fool obviously. Even though they don’t have that many interactions in this book I loved every single one of them. The Fool volunteering to care for Smithy after Fitz has endured a long day of horrendous abuse is just!!!!! Kindness! What a concept! I could really see why they develop such a deep bond so quickly.

Fitz/Burrich is just so real and so compelling and it hurts me but I love it. Fitz/Chade breaks my heart bc Chade is manipulating his way into Fitz’s heart - I think without realising it a lot of the time bc he is lonely too, but the power imbalance is not okay when he is the centre of Fitz’s world for a long time and the closest thing he has to a friend. Knowing how Chade behaves not too much later just makes it even worse when he is so nice in this book because it just shows why Fitz has such a hard time being his own person and saying no to Chade ever.

Fitz/Verity for obvious reasons. Fitz/Hands!! They’re cute but it makes me sad that Hands betrays him in AQ. Weirdly I liked Fitz/Molly way more this time but more their friendship than anything. And next is Royal Assassin and their deeply toxic romance soooooo.

And Fitz and his puppies BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

Favourite setting

Do yourself a favour and read the description of the Mountain Kingdom and specifically the palace. It is STUNNING and something I completely skimmed over the first time cos I’m a dumb idiot bitch I could have been picturing a city of huge colourful tulips all this time but fuck me I guess!!

Favourite chapter

As a rereader I think I’ve gotta say chapter one. There’s just so much to pick apart all crammed into one chapter. It still holds a lot of mystery even when you’ve read the entire series.

Most loved character

At this point I’ve gotta say Fitz. That’s who my heart is with during this book and he NEEDS IT

Most hated character

Okay I found Regal a much better villain on this read and hated him A LOT but whomst I despised even more w the very fibre of my being was Galen bitch disgusting!!!!!! Verity was so like, smug?? when he killed him and it was so satisfying. It’s what she deserves!!

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

Literally this whole book was so harsh and I was perpetually emo throughout but off the top of my head, Fitz’s depressive episode after Shrewd and Chade test his loyalty fricking broke me, as did the entirety of Galen’s abuse/training; since I was paying so much more attention this time it hit a lot harder that he is an absolute textbook abuser and the psychological torment he inflicts on Fitz is just. deeply upsetting to say the least. It really got under my skin.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Okay this is where I just dump all the notes I took while reading that don’t fit anywhere else. It’ll be long lol so strap in.

- It’s never not funny to me that Narrator Fitz comes across as like a hundred years old when in actuality he is like twenty. Also that he looks back on himself with such a sense of wisdom and superiority, yet we know there is dumbarsery aplenty to come. Amazing.

- I’ve never really registered that for the first six years of his life Fitz had a mother who loved him and I don’t know how to feel about that

- REVELATION THAT SEEMS REALLY OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT: Fitz most likely only spoke Chyurdan when he was abandoned, which would have played a huge role in why he was not only quiet but unresponsive to what was happening around him. He probably didn’t even understand that he wasn’t going to see his mother again until much later, and he didn’t know how to ask questions. When he goes to the Mountain Kingdom and Kettricken comments that he speaks Chyurdan like someone remembering the language he doesn’t comment on it, so it’s likely that future Fitz doesn’t register that he didn’t always speak Six Duchies(?). He mentions in the narration that the memory of being abandoned is incredibly stark but not necessarily reliable, and possibly shaped by the Skill, which to me opens up the possibility that his memory is essentially auto-translating for him things he didn’t understand at the time. We also know that at the time of writing this he’s given up his memories of his mother etc. up to the stone dragon, so obviously his recollections of these traumatic events are going to be warped by that. Anyway thanks to my sister for pointing this out and being much smarter than me.

- According to Fitz’s grandfather, Chivalry always knew about Fitz. Don’t know how trustworthy a man desperate to yeet his grandson out of his care is but there ya go.

- Weird and hilarious that Shrewd tries to see Fitz on the day he arrives but then just like. What? Forgets about him? For years? lol

- Chade literally tells Fitz that he is a king’s man now and that’s the most important thing about him YIKES

- Chade becomes the closest thing Fitz has to a friend for quite a long time and that is fucking depressing

- It’s interesting that Chade had to be convinced to teach Fitz. It’s hinted at that there was an ~incident~ the last time they tried to train someone, followed by a long period of Chade being left to rot in the walls.

- Not to be out here diagnosing fictional characters but like.Fitz. Literally has depression.

- Fitz having to turn down Fedwren’s offer of apprenticing for him is so sad. It’s the life Fitz should have had.

- The Fool’s non-binary gender is mentioned as early as Chapter Nine! (Published in 1995! We have no choice but to stan!)

- “So quickly we were all made accomplices in our own degradation.” OOF.

- I really realised this time that the reason Fitz seems so shit at things he trained his whole life for later is because all that training was interrupted by many months of isolation, deprivation and abuse. All at the age of like 13-14. He got out of the habit of subconsciously acting in a way that Burrich or Chade would approve of. For a long time the only person he needed approval from was Galen, and he became completely single-minded about it because that was his means of survival. And you don’t just recover from that - especially since neither Chade or Burrich would give him the time of day for an extended period *after* his training was done. When Chade did finally talk to him again it wasn’t to recommence training really; he just gave him a bunch of tasks to do. By the time Fitz got to the Mountain Kingdom he was completely out of practice, and still managed pretty bloody well in spite of it.

- Kind of related to the last point: I love that while Fitz isn’t a savant at anything he’s a pretty realistic jack of all trades. He not only has an aptitude for learning almost any skill or subject but a genuine broad curiosity too. It’s one of the few things that is just him, ya know? It’s just his personality and something he can find joy in, even if it does also factor into his being used by others.

- Imagine being Burrich and finding out that your son thought you were a dog murderer for like ten years lol ouch

- Fitz thinks about the Fool soooo often in the Mountain Kingdom, pointing out things that remind him of him, or things he would like. It’s v soft tbh I love them so much!!

- Another dumb thing I forgot is that Regal is convinced that Shrewd had Fitz poison his mother to death, which adds a rather important layer onto his motivations lol

Anyone doing a reread feel free to fill this out! You don’t have to use the tag :)

[djpocky]

BTS Appreciation Post pt. 1

In honor of Love Yourself: Her doing so well and breaking records left and right, I decided to dedicate a few posts to BTS and talk about why the music they create is so amazing and literally why every song they’ve ever made means so much to this fandom. If you’re a new ARMY and have just discovered BTS, here’s an introduction to every song the boys have made and why they’re so important :)

When it comes to their music, what I love most about BTS is that they never forget their roots. When they debuted with their first single album 2 Cool 4 Skool, they included a hidden track called Road/Path. In this song, the boys (mainly rap line) talk about how much has changed since they were first recruited into Big Hit up until they finally debuted, and wonder what life would’ve been like if they never chose to pursue their dreams. Here are a few lines from the song:

“I, who didn’t want to make an even bigger idiot out of myself came to this place and 3 years have since passed” (Rap Monster)

“I thought I was alone but I’ve learned that we are seven. No longer barefoot; wearing shoes called Bangtan. We go on forward another step, newer than the last; towards the fourth spring we’ll greet in Seoul.” (Suga)

“It’s the year 2010, my steps head to Seoul. I, who started out just loving dance is soon to stand on stage. Until then I combat the many pains and scars and prepare myself.” (J-Hope)

“Would I have changed? If I had chosen a different path, if I had stopped and looked back.” (Vocal Line).

Their popularity began to rise as they started releasing more albums. After their first album, they released O!RUL8,2?, Skool Luv Affair, and Dark & Wild; as well as a few Japanese albums (No More Dream, Boy In Luv, Wake Up, Danger). Although a lot of their songs talk about how great they are and how they will never let the haters get to them, they hadn’t made another song like Road/Path; meaning they never made another song that talked about their roots; where they came from before they became idols. That is, until they came out with The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt. 1 and introduced us to Move. They made this song talking about the memories they had made over the past 3 years after debuting in their old dorm; now saying goodbye as they leave and move into their new dorm. They acknowledge the fact that, although they’ve made many memories, it was time to move on and do bigger and better things in terms of their music career, and so does moving into a new place. Here are a few lines from the song:

“This place smells like us. Let’s not forget this scent, wherever we are. We cried a lot and laughed a lot, but it was so beautiful. Nonhyungdong, 3rd floor, thank you.” (Rap Monster)

“There’s more stuff than the beginning. I have more than when I started too. Now let’s take our pride and go toward a bigger world with a bigger dream. A new start, a new beginning.” (J-Hope)

“Ever since I was born I counted the days for my first move // So I’m gonna move again. I’m gonna have a dream, a level higher than being an idol. When will I stop having to move again? I hope it comes quickly.” (Suga)

“While taking the last box out of the empty room, I looked back for a moment. Times we cried and laughed. Goodbye now.” (Vocal Line)

This song meant a lot to BTS, especially after all the hardships they went through to get to that point. There were times where they thought they wouldn’t make it; times where they thought it might not be worth it. But in the end, they finally made history for themselves. Because soon after they released this album, they finally made #1 on the music charts. Their first ever win was on May 5th, 2015 on M!Countdown’s The Show with I Need U. If you haven’t seen their acceptance speech (or if you just wanna re-watch it and cry all over again lol) click here.

In a way, the popularity had changed BTS, but at the same time, it didn’t. As the years flew by, the fandom had been growing more and more. They’ve won more awards and are being recognized worldwide. Album sales have been going through the roof and concerts were left sold out. For the past 4 years since their debut, BTS has (positively) changed. But what hasn’t changed is the fact that, no matter how popular they get, they’re still humble. Because every album after The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt. 1 has at least 1 song talking about/referencing their roots. They never forget where they came from and always think back about how much they’ve grown over the years.

1 Verse (1 Verse)- “I gently walk on the road that my fans have made for me. You’ll feel double the effort that I have made with my brothers, rising in the world and gaining fame, I’m on.” (J-Hope)

Nevermind (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt. 2)- “If there’s anything that’s different it’s my height. And also being a bit more mature for my age. From the underground workplace in NamSanDong, my beat has been laid out until Apgujeong.” (Suga)  

Ma City (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt. 2)- “Ayo, I’m the most successful guy ever born in Daegu. You’ll hear this kind of thing, now listen well. I’m the pride of Daegu, a new generation, a new wind. Daegu’s past, present and future.” (Suga)

EPILOGUE: Young Forever (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Young Forever)- “I’m happy with who I’ve become. That I can make someone scream with joy.” (Rap Monster)

I Know (BTS Festa 2016)- “I know the red carpet that spreads out ahead of me; it’s red because of the tears of blood of the people who love me. I know your gaze that remained on me that day is something shared between you and me that can never be replaced.” (Rap Monster)

The Last (Agust D)- “The things I’ve imaged about turns into reality. My childhood dreams are in front of my eyes. The night when I performed in front of 2 audience. Now Tokyo Dome is right in front of my nose.” (Suga/Agust D)

Begin (WINGS)- “The fifteen year old me who didn’t have anything. The world was so big, I was so small. Now I can’t even imagine it. Now I can’t even imagine myself, who used to have no scent, who used to be empty. (Jungkook)

First Love (WINGS)- “I remember that moment; way taller than my height. The brown piano that guided me. I looked up to you. I yearned for you.” (Suga)

MAMA (WINGS)- “Time travel to 2006. Crazed for dancing, pinched my mom’s purse when my dad opposed but I practiced everyday. She supported me and the pieces of my dream.” (J-Hope)

Two! Three! (Hoping For More Good Days) (WINGS)- “Because of all your self-reproach, I was able to prove myself something I wasn’t able to do when in high school.” (Suga)

A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone (WINGS: You Never Walk Alone)- “Even if this is the path I chose; even if everyone says I made my own destiny; even if this whole life is just a price to pay for the sin. Walk with me.” (Rap Monster)

Sea (Hidden Track) (Love Yourself: Her)- “Some people said our company was small so we wouldn’t be famous. I know, I know. I know it too. Even back when the seven of us struggled to sleep in one room, the trust before sleep that tomorrow would be different.” (Suga)

The whole reason why I’m even making this post is because of their new hidden track Sea in the new album. BTS has been around for four years, has won 72 awards (this includes huge music awards in Korea like MAMA, international music awards like Billboard, and music programs like Inkigayo), has had 6 concert tours in 29 different cities around the world (except Europe otl), has broken 20+ records, and has literally become an (if not the most) iconic K-Pop group of this generation.

And yet, they still take steps back to remember their past.

The fact that they still talk about how they were brought up and mention how appreciative they are about their lives shows just how humble these boys are. Never in a million years did they ever think they would make it this far, and the best thing about it is that they still feel the need to do better. Seeing this new hidden track in Love Yourself: Her reminded me of when they first debuted with 2 Cool for Skool. Because a hidden track means it isn’t just for anybody to listen to: its for their fans. A hidden track is a message that BTS wants to tell their fans. They’re saying that no matter how popular they’re getting, they’ll never forget the hardships they went through, and that our constant support is what helped them get up to the top. For those of us who have been in the fandom for a while, we’ve seen all seven of them grow up to be the people that they are today. We’ve seen them accomplish so many things, but they’re still thinking that they need to do more or do better for us. After completing one dream after another, they keep making more dreams. BTS won’t stop dreaming as long we support them.

So not only do these songs hold importance and value to them, they also mean something to us. Not only do these songs tell us how much we mean to them, they also give us hope. Because no matter how hard life may seem at the moment, trust in BTS: you’re gonna make it through.

Part 2 (Coming soon)