#'well id never date a trans woman because i only like pussy'

[healingheartdogs]

Men can have vaginas. Women can have penises. Being a lesbian is not about "only liking pussy". Being gay is not about "only liking dick". Those are transphobic and intersex exclusive statements.

The "sex" in "sexuality" is not referring to assigned sex at birth or the most common presentations of assigned sex genitalia. It refers to sexual attraction. Queer sexual attraction is gender and/or shared queer experience based. Gender is not the same as assigned sex at birth or genitalia. If your personal sexual attraction is based on assigned sex at birth and specific genitalia and you use a queer sexuality label you are appropriating that label and participating not only in transphobia and intersex exclusion from queer communities but also in homophobia.

Stop appropriating queer sexualities and then trying to kick out people who actually belong under that label because you want to make a little exclusion based bigot club for yourselves.

[werevulvi]

I hope these show up in the right order. This kinda stuff is exactly what makes me feel lost about my transness. Like I was just trying to be nice and agreed with this person's post. I had no interest in being an asshole or arguing what bio sex, or even what butch, is. I was just declaring myself as a bio female because it felt relevant to the topic and how I relate to it. It amazes me how even the pro self-ID types are against self-ID when someone identifies in a way that doesn't suit their narrative, even when it's a trans person whose identity they deny.

They blocked me and I don't want anyone going after them, I just wanna rant. And not even about this specific post or person, but more so about trying to exist as a gender critical trans person in general. I've been thinking about that for days, weeks, perhaps months or even years already, so it's really not about this specific person. I guess it was just what triggered me to finally start writing.

I guess I feel like both most other trans people and most other gender critical people, view transness as incompatible with gender critical opinions, and like that makes me feel pulled in two opposing directions. But anyone of any ideology can be dysphoric and transition because it helps them cope. I don't think that my opinions, or my choice to hang out with radfems, means that I'm self-hating, or even that I'm going against the needs of my own trans demographic. My own trans demographic is just all too good at confusing wants with needs... generally speaking. I see sex and gender the way I do because it makes sense to me personally, and I don't even argue that it's necessarily the objective truth. I don't think there is such a thing. It's just my truth, my perception of the world.

That I can't make myself see myself as a man for real, despite my dysphoria and transition, doesn't mean that I think it's wrong to transition, or that my body is damaged by it, or that transitioning is useless. Because it's not. I love my transition and everything it has given me. I'm comfortable with my transitioned body. It deserves love, especially my love. And although I still struggle with some insecurities, I feel like I love my body. It's been... incredibly good to me. It's stayed very healthy, and even keeping up a strong immune system despite my smoking, self harm, careless sexual escapades, etc. I may still have a fraught relationship with being female, but as long as I transition, I seem to be managing it fairly well. Except then I have a more fraught relationship with society instead. Can't win, but that's life, innit?

I don't think either my transness or my political opinions are my real problem or ever was. I think it's society's constant fighting about trans people's genders, lives and choices, that makes me constantly cave in on myself. Can't handle the pressure.

It feels like it's only ever getting worse. Ten years ago my biggest concern was people not ever finding me attractive because I was turning myself into some kind of a freak, which luckily I was proven to be wrong about. Five years ago my biggest concern was nonbinary people trying to normalize asking people their pronouns, which made me fear that people would never leave me alone about my gender, unless I forced myself to be hyper-masculine, which I still worry about. Three years ago my biggest concern was having been stripped of my sex-based rights and dehumanized for how I had chosen to treat my dysphoria, which I still worry about as well, and now...

...my biggest concerns are being treated as a third gender, fetishistic predator who should be shoved away into gender neutral spaces, and I fear that one day medical transition will be taken away as an option to treat dysphoria if transness is continued to be rejected as a medical condition. My heart rate is ever increasing. Can I even realistically "just go on with my life" anymore? I feel compelled to do something, but I also feel like there isn't anything I can do. No matter how many people I try to "educate" about dysphoria and why transition is incredibly important, all the while being as humble as I can, I am seriously lacking behind the much faster spread of harmful misinformation.

Thing is, I do not blame gender critical people for spreading some of that misinformation. For example of trans women as fetishistic predators, which people apply to trans men when they still fail to understand that MtF is not the only kinda trans there is, or when we dare to be just a little bit feminine while passing as male. If anything, I blame the true sources of such harmful claims, which slowly increase my anxious heart rate, over years, turning into decades, of living as openly trans. I blame opportunistic men who pretend to be trans women for gaining access to women's spaces, be it prisons, spas, shelters, sports, what have you, when they cannot possibly be dysphoric judging by how happily they swing their dicks around women as if it's no big deal and make no attempt at transitioning, but also who cares if they are dysphoric, no one should behave that way either way. I blame the trans rights activists who say lesbians have to suck dick if it's attached to a trans woman, and those who say that gay men have to be into pussy and date trans men. I blame those who say that trans women are bio female by virtue of identifying as female, and claiming that they can get periods, by virtue of... bowel cramps?! I'd also blame those who try to change female specific language on behalf of shielding trans men from our own dysphoria, in the rare cases we'd end up getting pregnant or manage to drag our asses to the gyno office for a pap smear, which... most of us really don't, regardless of if you call us women or uterus-havers, sincerely, please stop. It makes people think trans women are trying to take over the term "woman" entirely for themselves, which of course they don't.

I could go on, but I won't, as this post is not about these things. It's more so about how estranged I feel from the people who spout these things, knowing that they think they're speaking for me and my supposed needs as a tranny. But I see no point in trying to educate them, as they won't listen any more to me than they would to a radfem, and again, I think this post in my screenshots shows just how unwilling they are to listen to me.

I guess living with my transition on constant display is what's hard, and I guess I just need to vent about that, as it's always judged one way or the other; as either me having made myself into a man, or that I'm a delusional woman who mutilated herself; and it's kinda hard to find a kind and sane middle ground, that perhaps I'm just a victim of circumstances, and trying to make the most of my own life, regardless of what the fuck I am. That social shit, on top of dealing with dysphoria, makes it really difficult to not hate myself, I guess. But I have tried to live stealth and that made it if possible even worse, as it felt like I was lying, keeping a huge secret that grew in me like a spreading virus.

What I want is to just live my life, and for neither my bio sex, nor my transition, to stop me from doing that. I want to work through the worst of my autism, enough to be able to pursue a career in some low-paying labor, blue-collar job; get a car and driver's licence, find a suitable husband to have a child and cats with; I want my own garden, an art studio; I want to build muscle to become strong and even more independent (and perhaps strong enough to carry that husband, but at least to carry myself), and so on. When I picture myself in that potential future, it is with this male-like appearance I transitioned my body into, but it is also as a mother and wife.

And thinking about all of that makes me happy, it makes me smile and feel joy, meaningfulness, hope... While thinking about arguing online with some miserable fuck, who's deadset on arguing semantics and calling me a terf, when all I wanted was to show a little bit of kindness, that "hey, I agree with you, you make a good point here, and I'm not here to fight" only to be spat right back into my face... just makes me feel sad. Whatever happened to diversity of opinion? It's gone, it became labeled as bad, and left people like me with no place to be.

There is no point in arguing with such people, or even trying not to argue. There's no winning in that, there's no reward, no accomplishment. It's better to walk away.

I know I just have to get over this, this inner conflict of going against my transness with my gender critical opinions, and that I'm going against my womanhood with my transition - and be stronger than the political climate that's pulling me into pieces. But if it's peace that I want... I can just forget about it. There's no road there. But I have trouble letting go of that simple dream. The internet is constantly manipulating me into thinking I have an exciting social life, when in fact it's non-existent, and the lie is destructive. With internet vs real life, I'm living a double life. One of those lives has a future, the other one does not.

I'm glad I made this rant. It actually made me feel better, and reminded me that it's still worth it. Being trans, moving forward, focusing on what is good and what can become good in life. And it reminded me that the internet is merely an imitation of life, a substitute for human connection, and can... as with much else, be both good and bad.

[popesona]

people who throw the word transtrender left and right and claim that people are all faking whatever to gain snowflake points unless they have debilitating and obvious dysphoria aren’t helpful lol you can point out that cis women can feel dysphoria because womanhood is a scam and that not feeling totally comfortable with femininity doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a trans boy or non-binary without being Like This because being Like This just makes people who are questioning and unsure and unable to fully identify dysphoria feel even worse, as if we chose to go through this fuckery because it’s fun and games and we’ll receive cookies from The Woke Elite

at least for me, gender questioning isn’t an enjoyable experience. i didn’t even begin questioning my gender because i was immersed in gender/trans discourse or because i was stereotypically masculine and this made me think “oh maybe i’m non-binary/a boy” i’ve never been masculine, i wasn’t that immersed into this discourse and when i saw things about it, it didn’t personally resonate with me, i never was like “oh being trans is special/cool/interesting i wonder how it’s like” or whatever, shit just happened. i started looking at androgynous people/androgynous clothing, especially androgynous men, and being like HM I WISH I LOOKED LIKE THAT, when people would [acknowledge something associated with men in me] i’d be weirdly glad and felt some anxiety/distress over it but mostly i brushed it off because who cares

then months later i got increasingly more agitated about my looks but not specifically about my sex characteristics and then i started presenting more masc and suddenly my self-esteem was better than it had ever been before, but it was still shitty and when i walked on the streets i’d feel [ugh] knowing people would read me as a tomboy instead of a feminine boy and from that it just spiralled down, i had to tell someone because i was having dreams about this often and feeling great amounts of anxiety and guilt and shame

communicating this/exploring what i was feeling led to zero cookies, it just led to putting my relationship at risk, a lot of distress over meeting guys on tinder who thought i was a guy and having to be like “so..”, my aunt being like why do you want to wear men’s clothes and shit like that, and it’s not fun to have this like a cloud hovering over my head plus the emotionally stunting “BUT MAYBE IM MANUFACTURING ALL OF THIS FOR ATTENTION AND SNOWFLAKE POINTS AND IM A TRANSTRENDER OR WANTING TO ESCAPE OPPRESSION OR I JUST HAVE REALLY FUCKING SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM MAYBE I’M INVENTING A REASON TO SUFFER BECAUSE I’M A BYRONIC SELF-ABSORBED PIECE OF SHIT”

even though what the fuck would i gain from this. i’m hesitant to even post about this here. i’m hesitant about talking about this with my therapist and with my closest friend who supported me. i have no other active social media, i’m irrelevant/not participative on tumblr to gain any validation among groups who are affirming towards trans people, my friends are cishet as fuck, unaware/dismissive of most of the discourse that happens here about the specifics of lgbt people, i’m not involved in any lgbt groups irl, people on dating apps are weird as fuck with this, my family would snap and pastors would be coming to my house trying to pray for me, what the fuck could i gain with this dfjytioopktlçfdglyok

and how i’ve said in the beginning i know full well that discomfort with gender related stuff can come from not only being trans and that a lot of cis women might feel like they’re not quite women because they don’t fit a stereotypical role, because they’re not pretty like the standard, because they’re gnc, or that dysphoria can overlap with body dysmorphia or shitty self-esteem or dude whatever, everything can happen

but i don’t even feel a disconnection with a lot of the roles i was assigned as a woman. the most disconnection i feel is with being soft and pretty and angelical because i feel like an ugly cavernous goblin even when i’m technically being pretty, but overall im what you’d call feminine. i think girly clothes are cute, my mannerisms are feminine, my tastes and traits are stereotypical, i’m more emotional and passive and i relate to hysterical woman in fiction but still when i think about people perceiving and treating me as a boy, not being able to tell i was born with a pussy and about having the physical traits cis men have (not all of them though and this is another source of AM I FAKING IT) i feel ‘yes id like this’ and it’s a Big Oof. this happened overnight as fuck so i’m still not being able to process and accept this

also i know that to others i’m more beautiful when i look like a gender-conforming cis girl, still my self-esteem only improved significantly without needing external approval when i started looking more like a boy. i look at some of my girly photos and i can be like “ok im pretty in this” but the ones i like the most are my looking-like-a-boy photos even if others would disagree that they are better 

plus i hate m*n and when the questioning arised, even if very vaguely i was like LOL NOPE NO WAY I CAN RELATE TO THIS CATEGORY OF SCUM ON ANY LEVEL so i’d have to come to terms with that and i’m not ready TRRJIGHFKJG