#'totally won't make me stuck on this project for a month'

[vintagesimstress]

I know it may look like I'm doing nothing but the truth is behind the scenes I'm actually doing something

[runningfrom2am]

red blazer (c.s.)

pairing: coryo x fem!reader

wc: 2k

tags/warnings: reader is arachne's "little sister" (they're like, a year apart lol but she GIVES little sister), sexual content if you actually squint, arachne is mean but in a big sister way, otherwise it's just cute and kinda funny. idk. enjoy!

requests (currently closed- feel free to send whatever but it will be a while before I get to them!)

nav / coriolanus snow masterlist

a/n: omg second ever coryo oneshot from me. LISTEN- i know i should do more of these BUT i loveee doing series for him bc his personality is SO fun to work with. anyway lol, check out my coryo series'.

"Maybe if you spent less time annoying me and my friends you would make some of your own." Arachne hums, sensing you standing in the doorway to the dining room where she and her friends were apparently working on some kind of assignment.

"I didn't even say anything!" You whine. "I was literally just coming to say hi."

"Well, don't. No one wants to say hi to you."

You pout, staring at her and crossing your arms. "Can I sit? Just for a few minutes? I won't even say anything. I won't bother you, I promise." There was an extremely tempting empty seat across from your sister and next to her friend Coriolanus that you'd been eying since you walked in.

He was just so pretty, so well composed, so tall, you were in love. Your crush on him had been lifelong, and with him only thirteen months older than you, it wasn't at all weird or totally unattainable. That's what you'd been telling yourself, anyway.

Arachne rolls her eyes, slamming her pen down on the table. "I already told you, the fact that you even exist is annoying to me. So, no. Go. Away."

"Arachne, it's fine if she sits for a few minutes." Clemensia cuts in, eager to just be polite but it makes you smile, nodding excitedly.

"Yeah, not everyone is as easily distracted as you are." Your heart flutters in your chest as Coriolanus comes to your defense, and you're already across the room and sliding into the seat next to him.

"You underestimate how annoying my little sister is." Arachne mumbles through gritted teeth, already looking back down at her textbook.

Coriolanus looks over at you and smiles, making the butterflies in your stomach erupt into a panicked frenzy.

"Hi." You whisper, cheeks flushing red.

"Hi." He replies quietly, his tone apologetic.

To Coriolanus Snow, Arachne's little sister was an outlier to her incredibly stuck-up family. She acted out often, was no stranger to commanding the attention of every room she entered, and to him, was the most beautiful girl to ever walk the academy halls.

So every time a group project or paper was assigned, he was forcing himself into the seat next to the oldest Crane daughter and requesting that they work together.

"Maybe at your house? Like usual?"

And it worked, one hundred percent of the time.

"What are you working on?" You whisper, leaning your elbow on the table and looking at the books he had laid out in front of him.

"Nothing fun, I assure you." He chuckles quietly, and you ignore your sister's glare that you could feel burning into your forehead.

"That's boring." You sigh quietly. "What's your favourite class?"

"Law."

"Law?" The way you scrunch up your nose and question his answer makes him smile. "I am sorry for you."

He laughs even though you weren't joking, about to ask what your favourite class was when he's stopped by your sister shouting.

"Mom! Y/N's annoying us, make her go away!"

In a flash, you're shoving the chair back and darting out of the room, disappearing down the long hall of the penthouse.

You were adorable. He knew at that moment that he had to have you.

Being Arachne Crane's "little" sister was a nightmare all on its own. She was annoying, she hated you or at least acted like it, and despite being the baby of the family it felt like every day you were making desperate attempts to claw your way out of her and your brother's collective shadow.

Maybe that's all this was. Did you really like Coriolanus, or did you just like annoying your sister?

The thought crossed your mind only momentarily before Coryo tugged gently at your hair to turn your head so he could detach his lips from yours only to move his kisses and gentle bites to your neck.

Nope, there was no way this had anything to do with your sister.

You let out a soft sigh, holding his shoulders to support yourself as you straddle his lap on the edge of your bed. "Coryo..." You whine, pouting because you know he only has so much time before his absence from the dining room would be truly noticed, and he was dragging this out more than he probably should.

"Tell me what you need, pretty girl." He hums into your skin, his hold on you shifting your hips and tightening over the waistband of your underwear- the only remaining article of clothing on your body.

"Hurry." You mumble, tilting your head down to capture his lips again.

"I told her I was leaving." He tells you between kisses. "We have all the time in the world." You can feel the smile on his lips against your own, and you match it in excitement.

By now, you'd been sneaking around for months. It had been fun, but certainly exhausting.

Worth it. One hundred percent worth it. You think to yourself as he lifts you to turn you over and lay you back on your perfectly made bed, leaning over you and reattaching his lips to your neck.

"How will you leave?" You ask breathlessly as his large hand finds your waist again, gentle but firm in its hold.

"We'll figure it out." He mumbles, clearly very far from concerned about it.

You're almost too caught in the moment to hear the banging on your door that causes you both to freeze, heads snapping in the direction of the sound.

"Y/N! Where's my shirt?! I know you took it!"

Arachne.

"Shit, shit, uh-" You panic as Coryo very quickly jumps off of you, tumbling loudly off the bed and onto the ground getting caught on the edge of your duvet.

"What the hell are you doing? I'm coming in-"

"No!" You shout, panicked as you look around. "Uh- one second, I'm naked!" Not entirely a lie. While Coryo gathers his academy uniform that's scattered across the floor, having left him only in his black boxers, you pull a towel off the back of your door and wrap it around yourself.

You have to hide him. Quickly scanning the room, you have three options: your walk-in closet, under the bed, or in your bathroom.

"Get in the closet." You whisper, quickly shoving him toward the door.

"I don't care, I need my shirt!" Arachne says, the sound of her opening your door masking the sound of your closet door closing.

Your chest is rising and falling quickly as she marches in, immediately looking around. "God, what took you so long? You look like you're having a heart attack." She mutters, digging through the laundry basket that was yet to be taken by the house staff.

"I was about to have a shower." You answer, forcing yourself to not look in the direction of the closet.

"Right." Arachne rolls her eyes, stomping into the bathroom to begin looking there.

"Why the hell are you showering at six pm? We have dinner at the Creed's in an hour." She calls out.

"That's obviously why I'm having a shower." Honestly, you had totally forgotten about dinner.

"Yeah, you probably should. It stinks in here."

You roll her eyes at her comment, but they widen in horror as her warpath begins toward the closet. "No! Wait!" You stop her, clutching the towel to your chest as you step in front of the door to stop her. "Uh- what shirt are you looking for?"

"Which shirt? The white one, with the lace trim collar. Oh my god, do you have more than one?" She asks angrily.

"Oh, that one is in the laundry. They took it yesterday." You lie and she groans, walking back toward the door.

"I hate you! God, you make everything so difficult." She mutters, stopping on her walk back to the door and looking at the few articles of clothing scattered around your bed. You follow her gaze, biting your tongue and internally cursing when you notice Coryo's blazer that was dropped haphazardly on top of the pile. She picks it up, looking it over with a furrowed brow. You watch as she looks over at yours, which is neatly pressed and folded for the morning sitting on your desk chair.

"A men's medium." She says as she reads the tag, pausing before turning back to you slowly, this time, with an off-putting smile on her face. "Who's in the closet?" She whispers, and your face burns more than it already was.

"No one." You answer quickly, possibly too quickly.

"You're lying." She states, and you shake your head quickly. It doesn't go over her head that you look like a deer caught in the headlights. "Then you won't mind if I..." She says, starting off slow before breaking into a run toward the door which you instinctively block with your body, gripping the towel with one hand and holding out the other arm to block her while you fight for the door handle handle.

"I knew it!" She hisses, finally giving up and pointing a finger right at your nose. Quickly, she looked back over her shoulder toward the open door to make sure no one else was around before she spoke again. "Is it Allium?" She asks quietly, for some reason suddenly interested in who you spend your time with, and if it's with that boy in your year who continually gets on your nerves.

You shake your head again, swallowing thickly.

"Tell me who it is."

"No one!" You lie, already knowing the bit was up as she tosses the blazer back to where she found it.

"Ugh, you're no fun." She rolls her eyes, shoving you gently before turning to leave. "Whatever. I don't care. Just don't get pregnant- I know you're stupid and all but Mom will skin you alive."

"Get out!" You snap, walking over and shoving her out the door before slamming it behind her.

You hear her laugh as she walks away, steps receding down the hall back in the direction of her own room.

You let out a tense sigh of relief, waiting a moment to hear her door closed before going over to the closet and opening the door.

Coryo is still laughing to himself as he buttons up his shirt and tucks the back of it into his pants. "Stop!" You exclaim in a whisper, giving him a gentle smack on the shoulder but you can't help but laugh as well. "It's not funny!"

"It's pretty funny." He says lowly, leaning down to kiss you softly.

"It's not that funny." You roll your eyes playfully. "We could get in serious trouble, sneaking around like this! God- it's crazy." You sigh, shaking your head as you step back into your room, suddenly serious.

He follows, sensing your worries as you drop the towel with your back facing him, quickly pulling a t-shirt on to cover up. "We can't- we have to stop." You shake your head, talking mostly to yourself.

"Hey, woah, that's a little rash, don't you think?" He asks as you turn back to face him.

"I don't!" You insist. "I mean, it sucks, but this is far too risky. We're done with... whatever this is."

Coryo shrugs, clearly unaffected by your concerns. "Let's just... next time, let's just go for dinner or something."

You tilt your head at him. "What? That's not, we can't-"

"Why not?" He asks, closing the space between you and reaching his hands out to grab your waist. "Your sister will suck it up eventually. Once she realizes how in love you are with me."

"I- I am not in love with you!" You protest, cheeks flushing pink again. "And even if I was, which I am most definitely not, she would scalp me. She doesn't care, I can't date one of her friends."

"Let me handle her." He insists, once again shrugging it off. "I'm being serious. I really like spending time with you, would it be the worst thing if we were together?"

"Wait, like, you're asking me out?"

He gives you a quick nod, still smiling at you.

"I- I mean sure, if that's what you want." You nod, blush spreading evenly across your nose. You had to blink a few times to confirm you were awake and that this was real.

"I'm asking if that's what you want." He chuckles.

"Yeah, yes. Of course." You shake your head, trying to get your thoughts straight and pull yourself together. "I would like that, Coryo."

taglist: @keziahcore, @soulessjourney, @kitscutie, @annaelise, @serrendiipty, @fratboyharrysgf0201, @totallynotkaibiased, @stelleduarte, @klplynn, @secretsicanthideanymore, @bejeweledreverie, @fals3-g0d, @gloryekaterina, @andrewgarfieldsbitch, @queenofspades6, @pepperonipastas, @ladybug0095, @lunamothwrites, @sbrewer21, @mus-tbe-a-weasley, @unclecrunkle, @karmaswitch, @rororo06, @coconut-dreamz, @nekee-lilac02, @ooooglymoooogly, @slytherinholland, @riddlerloveb0t, @lovedbalances, @notyourwildestdream, @snowlandson-top, @too-lit-for-fanfic, @utopiakys, @deafeningballoonnacho, @darlingisntit, @chmpgneprblem, @cosmoetik, @lauravanderbooben20, @dry0campa, @luclue, @lokidala, @urvampgfsworld, @carolanns-world, @that-veela-girl

[seat-safety-switch]

Birdwatching got really popular in the early days of the Unpleasantness. However, now that the bosses are forcing us all back to the office, the birds don't have anyone to watch them. That's why I built an autonomous bird-observation robot. Its name is SparrowScope 9000, and I recommend not becoming too emotionally attached to it, because it is your competition.

There's a lot of obvious benefits to having a robotic birdwatcher. It can start up early in the morning and go to its charging dock late at night. It never makes a mistake identifying a bird. It won't get tired, cold, hungry, or develop pointless drama with "Uncle" Hudson Carl online over his fucking misdocumentation of Northern Cardinals. You can pop over to its little webpage and see what it spotted that day, and feel pretty good. It's like you're really there, even though you're stuck in an office building wondering if you have enough staples loaded in your stapler to get through the month, or if you should maybe talk to Jan in Requisitioning to get a fresh refill.

However, there are flaws. One of the big things is that the US military doesn't let regular people – civilians – have super-accurate GPS. They fuck with the data a little bit, so that you can't somehow threaten national security by knowing where you are. I didn't know this before I started on the project, and the bird sanctuary has a lot of elevated walkways ever since the flood. SparrowScope 9000 became more of a SoggyScope Wet-Thousand.

If a real technology company had assembled it, that would probably have been the end of the story. They'd have put in some total garbage like a modern microcontroller, maybe some parts made in this century. Not me. This thing is half old pinball machine parts and the other half Aibos. It kept trucking right down the river, and I never saw it again. I do get updates from it periodically as it spots a new bird, but my work schedule forbids me from taking a few days off to drive to the next county over and see if I can figure out which swamp it's floated into this time.

Even with this small disaster, I'm pretty proud of what I accomplished. Our avian friends get looked at by a creepy robot covered in seaweed, and we can all experience what it was like for one brief, shining moment in which we still had hobbies.

[scoobydoodean]

ever notice how no one dares argue with you guys? i think that's why the sources annoy them so much

PK dash simulator 2023:

Deangirls: [Post pro dean content]

Total strangers: Sorry to butt in [is not sorry]. I say this in totally good faith [I do not], but have you deangirls ever considered that maybe you're just too stupid to understand anything [pats us on the head]. I say this with all love and absolutely zero sources to support my assertions, but you are wrong about everything. You should probably leave the blogging about sErIoUs topics to us and just post funny things that poke slight fun at Dean. You wouldn't want to be insensitive to my personal trauma I've projected on the show, would you? 🥺👉👈 Picking at the other characters is acceptable but you need to make sure you make fun of Dean more. Otherwise, we might notice you actually like Dean the most and we might have to reconsider whether you belong here because liking Dean is actually very problematic if you're too serious about it. If you were intelligent enough to understand Supernatural, you'd agree with me and my friends, who are clearly your moral and intellectual superiors [pats us on the head again]. Don't make us come back here and try and shame you again for not thinking about Supernatural "right". We have other tools we can use to try and gain your compliance, like passing your posts around to all our friends, encouraging them to leave you deeply condescending, mocking, and passive aggressive tags. Or we could send you hate mail for months for discussing inconvenient facts that don't align with our views. But we're so nice aren't we? Hahaha. Yeah... everyone is good friends here. Anyway, I just thought you should know how things work here in case you forgot. Also Dean is the most popular so if you think there's bias against Dean here you aren't allowed to say that.

Me: What if you tucked your dick back in your pants and just went away from us?

Deancrits: Wow. I was being so nice. I can't believe scoobydoodean just threatened to rape me.

PK dash simulator 2024:

Deangirls: [blogging by themselves]

Total strangers: Do you guys think maybe deangirls are ruining the fandom by posting over in another area about Supernatural (2005) with their friends? I think it's kind of condescending for them to talk amongst themselves over there about stuff I don't agree on, don't you? Writing meta is actually pretentious if you think about it. They're also very boring and not fun. Maybe they should try making jokes. Wait but not like that because the joke should always be at Dean's expense. I mean haha I think we all agree that picking at the other characters is acceptable but they should make sure they make fun of Dean more. Otherwise, we might notice they actually like Dean the most and we might have to reconsider whether they belong here because liking Dean is actually very problematic if you're too serious about it. I mean obviously i don't think there's only one way to view the show haha. It's only deangirls who are so sure they are right about everything. I mean have you seen them adding sources to things? How stuck up. When I make assertions about how the show is, I just write down what I think and tell everyone it's fact and everyone claps and praises me for my moral superiority. Anyway, deangirls are ruining the fandom but I won't tell them this directly because I've heard they're all rapists, drunk drivers, and anti choicers, and they might make fart jokes that are insensitive to my personal trauma. Reliable sources told me all of this.

[bcbdrums]

🍓🕯️🔪

"🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?"

well. one day in 2004 when visiting my cousin in the hospital after her car accident. i missed an episode of Bonanza, due to...you know, being at the hospital. this was back in ye olden days of TV guides, recording things on VCR's, and....no....wikis.... not like we have now. no sites to tell you everything, no screencaps, no youtube... and ye olde dial-up internet days. and anyway.... the TV guide descrip made that episode sound thrilling. and...and i just had to know!

and i knew... i remember, knowing in my heart. that if i went online and tried to find out what happened. i'd never get off the computer again. well, i was right. the short conclusion to this tale is i found specific Bonanza fansites loaded with fanfiction!!! and i devoured it. i wanna say within the same month? i was hand-writing fanfic in spiral notebooks for Bonanza. still have that spiral notebook and that unfinished fic, literally locked in a treasure chest. and i still remember the entire plot, what i planned to do with it... yeah.

no, i never did find out what was in that episode i missed/didn't get to record... like i said, no wikis or anything of that nature... (we had to leave from school that day so i didn't get to go home and program the VCR; i'd not known that morning we'd be going to the hospital later.) and they didn't re-run the episode again... so i've still not seen it... but, i started writing fanfic that summer. a defining moment in my life. and yes, my cousin is well!

"🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?"

ohhh, hmmm... idk if i could scale it. maybe right in the middle, a 5 or 6? this will make more sense if i describe my process perhaps.

so if i'm really in the writing zone, i just...plow ahead until i'm finished. and then i go back and edit. when i'm "in the zone" oftentimes i don't see things that could genuinely be improved by better phrasing, better language choices... they just elude me cuz i'm so hyperfixated on the story and it's so clear in my head, so, of course it's great on the page! (example: Forfeit was written this way.) usually i then just quickly fix obvious typos/grammar things and toss the fic into the void. then i'll return a few months later when it's no longer fresh, and then see soooo many things that could be better, and depending on my mood i'll go back and heavily edit, or, i won't.

the other process... if i'm not "in the zone" usually i write a few lines, get stuck, and to get myself unstuck i go back and edit what i've done. fixing things, adding things... and usually once those few lines are edited i have the next ones ready to be written in my head. it's a slower process overall.

editing for other people is a whole different ball game. i love doing that (as long as i'm in the mood/have the energy/time) because it helps me refine my writing craft too, in trying to assist someone with a totally different style than mine. it's great. and i've edited/beta-read for so many diff people now with such a variety of styles it's really making me more aware of my own, and how it's changed over the years. and i also just enjoy helping people.

the idea of something getting better just appeals to me i guess. it's a good feeling, it's productive. so in that sense, i enjoy editing. if i feel really stuck on a project, then it can become just another slow-down however. that would be the only negative i suppose.

"🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?"

haha, already answered this in a prior ask but i'll choose a different one.

i spent days learning how to waltz properly. all the techniques, and the process by which one learns... to write one character teaching another character, very, very methodically. and apparently i did it well, i received a comment about it from someone who actually waltzes professionally if i remember correctly who was very pleased with my writing of it! can i waltz? or dance at all? no, no i cannot. but i could probably talk someone else through how to learn!

thank you SO much for the ask!!! ^_^

[sanddusted-wisteria]

An update on my fics

hey wow it's been 4 months

Nearly six months on both longfics lmao. I've been busy and will continue to be busy, unfortunately. Grad school is a different beast entirely to undergrad (be careful taking 3 grad classes in a semester. 2 heavy ones can really make you regret it), I need to prepare for job interviews and PhD program applications, and this summer I've been wrangling an internship and research work.

Even so tho, my MTAS brainrot is far from dead. It takes a lot of time and effort, but I still have a lot I want to do with the My Time verse and my OCs, both art and fic. So here's a quick update on where I am and what the plan is with my fics and fic series going forward, and some previews of what I have so far (on a separate post bc this one's already too long lmao)!

TL;DR: busy, but still writing! WIP snippets on the next post.

[Long post and rambling belowwwwww]

Earth and Sky

Currently my primary focus. E&S has evolved a TON since I decided to rewrite it. How much? Well...

[Drafting = first draft is in progress; Revising = draft is plot-complete, set aside for future editing passes]

In fact, I haven't even outlined the ending chapters since I recently had a change of heart in the kind of resolution I wanted. I got stuck on it enough that I decided to forego outlining anything for now and playing that one more by ear. I think any more time I spend tweaking these outlines might put me off this fic altogether :P

As someone that started writing with nameless/generic builders, writing for an OC is a different kind of challenge. I'm working to try and strike a good balance of focus on Wis vs Qi vs them together, and making Wis a very human, if not enjoyable character. Still, I think that this is one of those projects that if I can get right, it will be VERY right. It'll just take a bit to get there first :>

At minimum, I'll wait until most if not all of the chapters in the first third/quarter are done (chapters 1-16) to start posting, though hopefully I'll also have a solid idea for how some of the later chapters will go as well. Those are the really (internal) conflict-heavy chapters and I want to make sure it won't come out as shallow :P But I am excited to show you what I've got cooking!

A Cosmic Garden

This is the broader series for Wis and Qi. E&S will be the biggest fic, but it only goes up to a little beyond MTAS's Act 2. Beyond that, my plan is to write some side stories that go into Wis's Lore(tm), namely her origins as an Old World clone and her interactions with other Wis clones around the Alliance.

Why side stories? Well, a) any plot involving Wis as a clone is relatively spread out across the timeline of MTAS's story, since it's actually not that closely tied to her "main" storyline (being the first clone I made when the clone story was just kind of just a bullet point on their lore descriptions, it's less involved), b) it therefore doesn't really affect the story of how she and Qi get together, and c) I know that people might be far more interested in just the romance story with Qi (which is totally okay! I understand, I'm pretty much in the same camp with OC-centric stories a lot :P)

As for the equivalent of MTAS's Act 3, this won't be one cohesive fic, but a small series of smaller stories, since I don't really have too many ideas for a fully fleshed out telling of Act 3 that doesn't just walk through the main missions without much deviating from that. Some of those stories include:

A series of conversations between Qi and Miguel post Act 2

A Nia/Mi-an story

A silly little oneshot of Qi and Rosie interacting (tentative)

The original idea that Strangeness and Charm sprouted from; Wis and Qi conducting a methodical study on non-sexual intimacy (tentative)

The finale of the MTAS main story

A Builder, a Researcher, and a Rooftop

Currently on pause. For now, there's just too much OC brainrot for fics and on OTAS that I just need to get out. Don't worry! I'm absolutely not abandoning this one. I just can only really focus on one big project at a time lol. We're close to the end of this story's act 2, though not much of the remainder is written. In fact, chapter 34 is already done, but not chapter 33, so I can't quite post it yet. I think after I get the first part of E&S done (or I suppose whenever I feel like picking it up), I'll switch gears to at least get to the end of Act 2. Act 3 will need some reevaluation...I've hemmed and hawed over it forever, but I do want to finalize the plot for that one, and also potentially get started on that as well.

Others

To the...5 people that read my Grace/Wis miniseries, I really do still want to get that done a;sdlasdralsdrkj It's been hard since my thoughts on how Grace and Wis interact after Act 2 have changed a lot. But even so, I hate to leave it hanging there, so I've started working on it again. It's already outlined, I just need to get it filled in.

Someday I should come back to Quiet Moments in Sandrock... My art's gotten a ton better since then and there's a few ideas I still have leftover that I never got to. Unfortunately I need to make room for it somewhere in the 13438525 other art ideas I have that I can only do like 1 per week at MOST asdlrkasdasdrjksdrj

Sitting on the back burner forever in my writing folder is a fusion of Junji Ito's Uzumaki and MTAS... An MTAS version of Uzumaki's story works SURPRISINGLY well, and Wis and Qi I think make for stronger protagonists in this setting than Kirie and Shuichi in theirs if I do say so myself lol. It's fully outlined and everything, but that's gonna forever be on the back burner until either my longfics get done or I figure out how to write horror, whichever comes first 😂

So all in all...still cooking! Thank you if you read all this, and thank you for your patience, especially if you've been closely following any of my in progress fics. Hopefully once the interview and application cycle is out of the way this fall, I'll have more brain capacity to really plug away at all these and share with you all! :>

[pbandjesse]

I really thought I wasn't going to be exhausted today. I was like I'm going to get home at 11 and the ln I'll just go to sleep normal and have a nice day off at home and get lots done. But I was a fool to think that!!

I did get home at 11. The event wrapped up pretty quickly and it was lovely working with everyone. There was a live auction and one of the prizes was a bunch of lottery tickets they stuck in a pumpkin. But the woman who won that was flying and so she didn't want the actual pumpkin so I got to keep it! Excellent. It was honestly larger then I should have been picking up but it's fine. I didn't drop it.

I got home and took a shower and was scrolling on my phone entirely to long. Just winding down. Hugging James. And eventually I was able to sleep.

It was honestly better sleep then I have had the last week. I woke up a few times but not as many and I think it's because I wasn't waking up to pee and then immediately drinking a ton of water every time because I was thirsty. But I did sleep a little better.

I woke up at 9. I don't even remember James leaving for work which made me a little sad. I was moving really slow this morning. But pretty quickly I was shocked awake because I got up and was like. Gotta plug in my phone. And immediately knocked over the new humidifier and spilled water all over my phone. Incredible way to start the day. I moved quick enough to rip my case off and dried it all off and it was fine just Jesus.

I took an excellent shower. I washed my hair and felt a lot more normal. I was sure I was full of energy and would have an excellent and productive day. But it didn't exactly work out like that.

I made the bed and wore cozy clothes. I went and had the breakfast sandwich James made me. I brought it upstairs and sat at my desk. It was a nice morning.

I would go downstairs to work on the sewing machine for a little bit. I got another color set of frog legs sewn. But I was not feeling sitting there so I gather one of my knit projects that needed sewing and brought it upstairs to work.

I did stop and checked on Crabcake. He has needed me to come and move him into the food bowl for him to eat. I think he's a little sleepy/bored as the house gets cooler. I will have to get him to walk around the room outside of his tank. Don't want him to be bored.

I would sit on the floor in our bedroom working on this floor mat project for a while. But after an hour I was just. So tired. I didn't really do much so I don't even understand why I became so overwhelmingly exhausted but it was wild. I was able to sew two rows closed and together. 3 more to go and I really wanted to finish that today but there was no way I was going to be able to keep going at that point.

I would lay down to watch a video. I was feeling very unwell and off. I was just not having a very good time. I would eventually fall asleep but it wasn't a very restful sleep. I woke up thirsty and tired and feeling weird.

I tried to shake it off. I drank water and moved downstairs and had a snack. I just wanted James to come home.

They were running late because of the event tonight. I was feeling a little better after my snack. I had the backdoor open and was working on .u temperature blanket. I have all the panels through the end of August put together now. I plan on getting all the yarn cut this week for September so I can work on that during our drive to Gabe's wedding weekend next week. Maybe I'll get October cut out too even though the total month won't be done. That's alright.

James would get home and I was not feeling great again. They came and cuddled me and it helped a little. They would make dinner. And we talked about baby. It's the 18th and the start of the 18th week. And I know I was feeling bad yesterday about everything but looking at the belly pictures I have been taking every Friday I am rounding out in the middle. So that's neat. I just really hope they are okay in there.

After dinner James would come and lay with me on the couch while they worked on editing their podcast. I was just scrolling on my phone. Eventually I would go lay upstairs because I needed different pillows. James would come up here eventually but they would go and hang a shelf on the stairwell (it didn't exactly fit so they had to cut it down a bit. Pictured above). But it should be good for displaying some of the Legos and other small sculptural things!

I would take a bath. And I put peppermint Dr Bronners in the water and so then I was so chilly after. But now I'm bundled in bed. Trying to be comfortable. I am just so tired.

Tomorrow I have a workshop at awah. I am a little confused about the layout but I'll figure it out when I get there. It should be a nice couple hours. And hopefully I am not to exhausted anymore.

I hope you all have a good night. Sleep well and be safe! Until tomorrow!

[greatprotector-if]

Hii, I want to make if game but I'm kinda slow writer. Also I have never written so many words like other authors and it's a bit paralyzing. Do you have any advice how to deal with it?

anon i am so sorry this is 100% just rambling. the TLDR; my advice to you is this: comparison is the thief of joy. i know it's hard not to compare yourself to others, it's a super natural instinct for most of us, but seriously, as long as you're doing the best that you can, it doesn't matter how much or how little everyone else is doing. try changing your scenery! write in a different location! write using different materials! don't even bother with proper grammar and punctuation or whether things sound good or make sense for your rough draft. just write. Don't go back and fix things. and it might suck and you might just end up having to rewrite the entire thing in the end but at least now you know what not to do! and i am wishing you the absolute best in all your if writing endeavours <3

i'm fr just a guy so i'm so sorry if this advice is shit. i'm not a professional. idk if you came to me just because you saw the "slow writer" in the intro post and you saw a kindred spirit, but just in case you are not aware.... i am such a slow writer and i'll be so honest when i started tgp by far the longest thing i'd written was 11k words and it took like... 10 months to finish. usually the stuff i wrote was 500 words in Total and i was also the type of fanfic writer on wattpad who'd post three chapters and then never touch the book ever again

so, not a great foundation for a game that requires this level of commitment, and i knew that!! but i dunno i was so excited about the idea and the characters and i felt like i needed to share it with the world so i just went fuck it and started. when i first got that intro post up i had nothing but a handful of characters, a vague idea and a dream.......

basically what i'm trying to say is. I get it.

and my advice to you is: just do it LOL just write your if game!!!

it will be scary and impostor syndrome is SUCH A BITCH. you will encounter authors who will write like 100k words in the time it takes you to write 5k and THAT IS OKAY. I FEEL THIS EVERY DAY. BUT YOUR WORTH IS NOT BASED ON HOW MANY WORDS YOU CAN WRITE IN AN HOUR, SO TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO BE TOO HARSH ON YOURSELF. COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY. if your best one day is 15 words and they aren't even good words? that's fine. at least you're getting something down. you are doing the best you can in that moment, and that's what's most important!!!

ALSO WRITE WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE. you cannot appeal to everyone. there will be people who simply will not enjoy your game and you know.. we ball anyway because there will also be people who LOVE YOUR GAME JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO, IF NOT MORE. i find that a lot of the time i'm stuck because i'm so worried about catering to my audience, and while it's okay to be conscious of these things, don't let it paralyze you. do not make your story about a bunch of bullshit you don't care about just because it's popular or something or you will just Never progress because you don't care about writing it. those days i shit out 1k (WHICH IS A LOT FOR ME IN ONE DAY) are because i'm like JUMPING OFF THE WALLS EXCITED ABOUT WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT. WHO CARES IF WHAT YOU WANT TO WRITE ABOUT IS CRINGE (cringe culture is dead anyway) OR SUPER NICHE OR WON'T GET YOU A MILLION FOLLOWERS IMMEDIATELY. i mean don't get me wrong validation feels so good i'm a bit of an attention whore myself but also you deserve to create things that make you feel good, and this is what sustains a long-term project. You know? You feel me? You pickin up what i'm putting down? plus there will always be other people who vibe with your story, no matter how much you think you're the only one it appeals to.

but just in case you aren't just here for incoherent moral support, i would highly recommend straying away from plain old google docs or whatever it is that you usually use to write and trying new things! pen and paper??? pen and Cardboard box (this one works really well for me for my art block for some reason LMAO)??? write while sitting on the stairs instead of at your desk??? stimuwrite 2.0 (i cannot recommend this enough the bubble wrap sounds are sooo good)???

also. remember that rough drafts are just that: Rough Drafts. just write!!! maybe it'll turn out great, but maybe it'll be complete shit. maybe it'll make you want to throw up just reading it back. DON'T DELETE IT AND WORRY ABOUT HOW TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER. I DONT CARE IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY USED THE WORD "JUST" 3 TIMES IN 1 SENTENCE. AS LONG AS YOU GOT THE MESSAGE ACROSS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND IT YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

ok sorry i am mildly sleep deprived at the time of writing this i'm so sorry if i literally just didn't answer any kf your questions at any point in here. i have no idea what i'm doing i just roll with the punches!!!!!!

[magicalink]

2023 Wrap-up

Wow! Last year 2023 is over and I managed to post a total of 13 fanfics :0 (here I'm only counting the major posts and not smaller things)

Catboys in the House (CITH), chapter 2: Xiao joins the household!

Assembled Love, chapter 1: Perfect Sister.

Assembled Love, chapter 2: Perfect Brother.

CITH: What they do when you're down/stressed and can't sleep.

Assembled Love, chapter 3: Perfect Party.

Assembled Love, chapter 4: Perfect Night.

CITH: The Catboys' Dreams.

A Real Man.

What part of me wasn't good enough? :(

Bunny Boy Kuni!

Do they fuck or do they make love?

CITH: Catboyfriends and penetration.

Broken Beyond Repair.

This is definitely not as many as I wanted to post, but now that I actually counted them, it's more than I thought I had posted! I kinda achieved my goal of posting once a month even if I posted thrice one month and then disappeared for like two months several times.

My drafts and my Google Drive are filled with lots and lots of content that I'm struggling to finish. I've always struggled to give endings to the things I write :/ I'm working on that. I have tons and tons of unfinished Venti fics from when he was my top husbando before our divorce and my marriage with Kuni that I'm unable to finish. As you may have noticed if you took a look at the list of fics posted during the year, now I'm unable to write about characters other than Kuni bc he has me in the strongest chokehold I've ever experienced in my life :D I have to ask him for permission to work on those old fics and he always grabs me by the neck and says nope, focus on me :3 I have the same situation as this person here :3

As I said here, if I come to the conclusion that I won't be able to come up with an ending for a fic, I'm gonna post it unfinished like that Albedo fic I promised I was gonna post unfinished but suddenly got inspo, continued it and guess what, I'm stuck again :3 Gonna post it this month or next up to where I can. And in the unlikely case that I come up with an ending for fics that I post unfinished, I will eventually update them.

Well um, up to here this post was informative about the state of the blog. From here onwards it's more of a personal journal and self-reflection of mine? Just some things for me to remember so feel free to skip it cuz it'll probably be a wall of text. Things I wanna tackle to be able to finish more fics. I have many issues that prevent me from writing, but the worst one by far is toxic perfectionism.

I’ve talked about this in some asks I received, telling you about how when a fic becomes important to me, I get so scared of screwing it up that I stop writing it entirely. When something becomes important to me, I want it to be perfect and no matter how it comes out it never feels quite enough for me. This happens to me with many things in my life but it has also happened to me with Catboys in the House and Assembled Love. At first they were jokes, and side projects for me to practice my writing skills and try to develop the ability of building a linear story with multiple characters. But I fell so in love with them that I wanted to love the next chapters as much as I loved the previous ones and that created a lot of pressure on me.

So basically I’m trapped in a cycle of:  oh I had an idea I feel so passionate about—>I wrote it —--> I loved it —--> it’s unfinished —--> oh no I’m not nearly as inspired as I was back then, what if I ruin it? What if I don’t recreate the same vibes I had when I started it? What if I regret the words I use? What if I regret the changes in the plot? What if I post it and then I hate it because I don’t like it nearly as much as the first chapter I loved so much? What if…? —-> I don’t dare continue it just to ruin it. Let’s write something new that doesn’t make me feel pressured and has vibes I’m actually feeling rn —-> back to step one. Repeat.

And I’m tired of that. I wanna break that vicious cycle. It’s hard bc whenever I try to stand up to the toxic perfectionism reminding myself of the things I talked about with one of the people who asked me when tf is Assembled Love getting an update “it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done” then the number 1 problem, the ocd, gets out of control. So they have to be tackled at the same time with different techniques.

Some people have asked me when are we getting more updates of Assembled Love and Catboys in the House and believe me, no one wants to read those updates more than I do 😭 I have the plot for like 10 chapters already decided and I just can’t come up with the inspo to put it into the right words 😭

I wanna tell you about how Xiao woke up tied up to a chair after reader and Venti found him turned into a human in their house, about how Albedo, Kazuha, and Scara got into the house as well, how Kazuha used to live in a refuge for hybrids ran by Yoimiya and Ayaka, about Zhongli being reader’s boss and how he has a foxboy boyfriend named Childe…I wanna tell you about how reader and Kuni have this annoying sexual tension they can’t get rid of in Assembled Love but they can’t do anything about it because they’re frenemies and because it would make their moms insanely mad at them, about how mysterious Keqing dad is, about how Venti has a secret identity going on at school, about a super handsome redhead quarterback from another school who wants to sweep reader off her feet…but the words just won’t come. You know what comes? Anxiety and ocd, those come in tons.

But I have a set of tools I intend to use to overcome those obstacles and write my stories because I’m the one who wants to read them the most.

The cct techniques against ocd

A shit ton of phrases and posts from other writers that rationalize the problem of toxic perfectionism when it comes to writing and make valid points about why it’s important to screw it and just write anyway. I have a full pinterest album full of them, but my favorite out of all of them is this one:

And I wanted to share it here because I think it applies to everything, not just to writing. I think life in itself is our box and we can do things every day to add sand to it, little by little, like the efforts of an ant, and someday that everyday effort will make something great that will enable you to build something great :3 I think this analogy is especially good for people struggling with ocd, depression, trauma, etc.

And it sucks. Cuz I swear I get the best ideas for dialogues in the middle of a shower or having a chat with my bf and then when I try to remember it to write it down it's gone. But well, I wanna give the architect writers tips a try, and see if I can write things that I enjoy re reading even if the inspo doesn’t feel immaculate. Because I ran out of my own material to read, and it hurts when I reach the final paragraph and I’m like…where’s the rest?? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. And I feel like shit cuz I’m the one who has to write it 🥲

Jumping to another topic, they say that there are two types of writers: architects and gardeners. I don't remember cuz I read it a long time ago, but it goes something like this: Architects plan their stories in advance and build them carefully piece by piece, they are usually more prolific and finish their things in time. Meanwhile, garderners’ projects are like seeds tossed to the ground that only grow if given enough love and passion, and they need to be extremely lucky that the writer doesn’t run out of inspiration or feelings to get finished, and that’s why people say gardener writers almost never finish their stuff. (To exemplify, I rememner they say George Martin is called a gardener writer bc he said he has literally written 3 pages in the last 3 years or sth like that) So I’d say I’m more of a gardener writer but I also have this thing in which the writing I do that I love the most to re read was done in a weird state of being possessed by something (is that what they call the muse?) and I just had to vomit it into words or else. (I swear I don’t consume any substances) Those are the best stories. (The few things I remember of being forced to read the Illyad in highschool is that it starts with the narrator saying sth along the lines of 'oh muser pls sing to me,' becaise they invoked the muse to whisper the story in the writer's ear and I swear to god I used to feel like that. No I don't consume anything. And I haven't felt like that since the fucking step brother Scara cyberpunk fic. More than a fucking year.) And I think I’m not the only one who likes them, since my most popular post was one of those. (Yes, the godforsaken cyberpunk step brother thingy, you guys like the dirty stuff better than the fluff.) And that’s another reason why I don’t write when I’m not feeling possessed. But they also said that “inspiration finds you when you are working”. Never happened to me, it’s more like this:

Anyway, I’m writing this more for myself than anyone else (like pretty much everything that I write but nvm) because I don’t wanna forget the reason I started writing: to avoid forgetting, to relive all those feelings all over again. 

Anyway thank you for reading and commenting my fics all over 2022 and 2023, I had an amazing time and I'm happy with how the blog is turning out. I had a lot of fun both writing and reading and interacting with other people. This year I hope to be able to complete those projects I wanna see finished!

[servingcuntry]

i just. need to get this out.

for one, i'm probably making myself upset and i'm probably the problem. i think all of the fucked up shit is just building up, so tw for ocd, anorexia, and just an overall vent ig (this isn't anyone's fault, i'm just struggling rn <3)

for about 2 months, i only ate a meal a day; this past week, i've been trying to eat three meals (it's harder because my stomach shrank + i have ibs). some days, i've eaten 2 (which is still good!!!) but i've also gone most days with eating 1 ... i think i actually only ate 3 meals once or twice this week. and it makes me feel worse because i've been super fucking greedy and i've been snacking if i don't eat that much. i'm not even hungry, i'm just overeating when i don't need to. i know that. i know better. i'm dramatic.

then, my mom likes to check on me, which is good. i'm not diagnosed with anything (sorry if self-diagnosing is bad, i swear i've done thorough research before labeling myself. i'm seeing a specialist soon), so she just likes to throw words around when she doesn't understand. she gets mad at me for forgetting. i wish forgetting was optional, but maybe it's my fault. i don't think about/to do something i've never done before? i'm fucking lazy. sorry. i don't/can't eat? i'm lazy, i need to stop forgetting, i don't want to feel better, apparently. if i told you that i didn't forget most of the time, that i didn't want to eat, that i actually hate this shit and don't feel like it, you'd get pissed because you don't understand. so i'll keep being lazy and forgetful until i'm ready to tell you i'm struggling. (or, maybe it's just my ibs!!! i might be letting it take over since i'm such a lazy fuck <3 i'm clearly capable of snacking when i know i don't need to!!!!!)

let's not forget the side comments i make!! so fucking stupid!!! why do i keep talking about having disorders when i'm not diagnosed? what if i'm totally wrong and dramatic? what if they're just excuses for my actions!!!!!!!!!! i also lie about not being able to sleep!!!! i'm just a fucking idiot who says shit she doesn't have the right to say!!!! i could probably sleep if i tried, but nooo, i just have to stay up!!! and lie about it!! it's fucking pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want something to be wrong with me!!

and i'm fucking SICK of these intrusive thoughts, not even kidding. i won't go into detail, but i fucking hate them. they make me hate myself, they make me sad, they confuse me, they piss me off, they affect my decision making, they make me feel like a shit person, they make me worry about everything, they put images in my head, they put thoughts in my head, i just hate it.

and it's my fucking fault.

i'm lazy. i want, i need to overwork myself until i can't anymore, until i'm physically and mentally unable to. i want to have an overly-productive and workaholic mindset, that way, i can feel like shit when i don't do what i need to, and instead of just feeling bad, i keep doing work. i keep working and trying so that i can be ahead instead of behind, or even just where i'm supposed to be. because i'm sick of being stuck. it hurts, i feel bad and lazy. i am lazy. i hate this. i need to work, i need to want to work.

and i'm a sick mess of filth, an attention-seeker, and a mentally fucked individual!!!! sorry if this was a lot, might delete later, but i'm not okay as much as the disgusting voice that projects intrusive thoughts in my head tries to tell me otherwise!!!! fuck YOU!!!

[millenniumringg]

Arggg I’m stressing! My latest chapter for my fic is technically finished but it’s got so many flaws; the over-wordyness, the lack of good flow, and also it ends abruptly with no good resolution. I can’t stand it. I want to fix it but I don’t know where to start, and although I would like to work on later chapters I can’t do them until this one is fixed. Help meeeee I need advice and also my creativity is at a slump, I’m so stuck it’s making me stressed

oh noooooooo I am so sorry to hear you are in a slump :(

The good news is: YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!

I think this is something all of us writers experience a lot. I totally understand the desire to hurry and get the chapter finished, but it sounds like you might need to take a step back and look at it with the freshest of eyes!

I feel a little silly giving advice, as I certainly don't have all the answers in the world, but I've certainly been in this position before and can share some of what I do to try and get past it:

To begin, are you suuuuuure you need to finish the chapter to move on to other ones? Sometimes, jumping around chapters and plot events can help you to come up with more interesting resolutions/situations! Don't go into writing the chapters with the set intention of having them be THE final draft. Moving on from the place your stuck on is most important! So, I say try starting a later chapter anyway! See what you can do. Sometimes it helps you fill in the gaps of where you might be stuck :]

Second, I recommend doing some light reading of books/articles/blogs about writing! Search the web for writing exercises or read about how other authors follow through with the writing process (like now! See? You're already on the right track, anon!). There's plenty of material out there to get you writing, either for the chapter you're stuck on or for something else entirely!

Which brings me to my final suggestion: Move on to something else for a little while! Sometimes you have to set your work in progress aside and do something else that's got you motivated. I know you want to finish your current project (believe me, I toooootally understand), but your brain can only think about one thing for so long! You gotta exercise the creativity in other projects to oil up those brain gears! Then, after you've taken a break, try going back and reading through the chapter again and see what happens.

For me, taking a break and moving on to something else works the best. Honestly, and you're gonna hate me for this, I would probably not look at the chapter for at least a week..... You really need to reset your brain in order to make appropriate edits! Like, for real, sometimes I get so frustrated and I won't look at a wip for like. a month (mainly because work and class get in the way anyways lmao) but then when I FINALLY am like ok. I'm just gonna remind myself what I have (because you will FORGET hopefully) and then boom. You'll have fresh eyes, fresh thoughts, and will be more likely to be able to fix what you don't think is working :]

ah...... not sure if this was the advice you were searching for.... but truly the most important thing for creativity is to both exercise it and give it breaks! I know... confusing... but its true I swear you just gotta get reach creative homeostasis....

I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!

[comfortlesshurt]

Bet you all thought I forgot to do my end-of-month update, and you'd be right! BUT I remembered, so you're still stuck with my goals and stats update again. I'm gonna trying slamming 'em into one post this time though.

So starting strong with the goals: I hit all the ones I was hoping to. Obviously, I still don't have 100k of VLD fic published, but once again, that wasn't a goal meant to be hit in this one single month.

Went well over my monthly published word count goal AND hit my annual published word count goal too, which is nice since I will be publishing jackshit during November!

For LTS(LTFH), I did what I said I was going to do and took a step back. I was still allowed to write as much as I felt like for it on any given day, but there was no required minimum word count. In my opinion it helped, but it definitely didn't need to be a full month of break, so I'm adding a new plan to my November month goals post that I think will be more helpful than this was.

Also, I completely changed the name of LTS(LTFH) this month because I finally had time to do something other than constantly work on drafting that series. So now the whole series and every fic has a title that makes sense, and even a lot of the chapters have final titles. I also came up with a (possibly unrealistic) art plan for the major fics, so you may yet see my shitty drawings again.

I published almost 12k this month that wasn't associated with this series at all, which is a LOT for me so that's neat. Downside, I planned to finish a full 5+1 and only got through the 5. Not sure when the +1 will come, but it's in the works, I swear!

I also FINALLY finished that bingo challenge I kept dragging my feet on (which was silly because I had a lot of fun writing it).

Editing has been paused, but I'm realizing now I possibly didn't communicate that? So if you wanna call it me missing a goal, I won't blame you. I just can't stand to look at Spider-Man stuff right now, so a lot of fics on that list are on hold, and even seeing the Danny Phantom stuff is making me cringe because it's my writing style from 7 to 8 years ago.

And that's it for the monthly goals, so let's look at the stats.

First off, the ILaD series update:

Little sloppy, but here's my daily word count across the entire series. Took a fair few days off (hard to see here because Excel nicely decided to hide my shame by excluding them from the x-axis), but I still came out over 25k added this month.

Breaking it down by story:

This one is VERY sloppy (too many fics, too little space), so I also chopped out the shorter side stories to focus on just the main fics.

Fic 1 has the highest daily par by sheer virtue of being due by the end of 2024, so I kind of naturally focused on writing for that one in an attempt to lower that par. The others still got a decent amount added, but that higher par really did help direct my attention.

Overall stats on the series:

Which kind of makes me nervous! Because I've sort of become dependent on constantly having a writing project to distract myself, and July 2025 is NOT that far off! That's barely over a year spent on this project.

I'm not going to go as in-depth on the regular stats update this month because I just don't feel like it! It really doesn't typically change much month to month, and this month is no exception.

I will preface with this: I'm considering dropping FFN completely. No one seems to read VLD over there, it's full of fucking spam bots, and it feels silly spending time cross-posting over there with the hits at the level they're at. It'd be different if I thought there were people reading there who won't go to AO3, but I just don't think that's true.

For AO3, I am so close to breaking 300 total comment threads, which is cool! I have 11.5k words left to publish before 200k total words over there too. No other close goals for overall stats right now.

Stat changes:

+11,929 published words across 1 existing work and 1 new work

+15 comments (which feels insane compared to my little 0-comment months when I came back to fic writing in 2016!)

+73 bookmarks (though jury's still out on whether people are using private bookmarks instead of the mark for later feature)

Spider-Man word count is still 100,258, and VLD is now 63,315, so I'm 63.15% of the way to surpassing it!

I suspect someone put "Smiling 'cause you're used to it" and "Chemicals, chemicals in my brain" on a rec list because both had a crazy jump in hits, kudos, and bookmarks this month (percentage-wise). Bit of a weird jump on "on the run" too, considering how old and unpopular it is.

"5 Times Lance Doesn't Matter" also had a big jump, but I think that's more because I added one more chapter and got it bumped up for everyone who uses AO3's default sorting method.

New fic achievements:

Smiling 'cause you're used to it: still a weirdly good sub and bookmark conversion rate

5 Times Keith Relies on the Blade: subs conversion, comment conversion, bookmark conversion, and it's in the top 10% of fics by length so like... truly, I am starting to write longer fics apparently

Chemicals, chemicals in my brain: despite competing with way more popular Spider-Man fics, this has somehow landed on the top 10% list for number of bookmarks??? First and only VLD fic I've had accomplish that!

As far as experiments, I've thrown in a couple since finishing out my control period. No results to share yet, but they're out there collecting data. Don't you worry...

FFN doesn't have much interesting, but exciting update: for some reason my old Whump Bingo fic is way more popular over there, and it broke 40k views, making it the most popular thing I've ever published (despite me shamefully never actually editing a single chapter in it).

Anyway, that's it for October. Sorry in advance for the mess next month because I will be more focused on drafting 50k than getting my goals post all tidy and cute.

October 2024 Plans!

Now feels like a great time to say wow, I really didn't plan for this burst of inspiration from back in... June? to go on this long. Anyway, I'm here to say it is still here. Still Voltron, still primarily Keith. Still really stuck on that series idea.

I thought editing was going to go well last month, but I got started and was not feeling it. So now it's more of a "when it gets done" goal. To hold myself accountable, I'm still gonna include the remaining list of fics to be edited on these monthly goal posts. At least I'll have to look the work I'm avoiding directly in the eye on a regular basis as I procrastinate by writing.

General goals:

Newly published WC: 11,928/3,000

Have VLD WC surpass Spider-Man: 63,314/100,258

2024 total published WC: 54,677/50,000

LTS(LTFH):

If you didn't see my quick lil post about it, I'm getting burned out on this! So I'm giving myself a month off. I'm allowed to add to these fics if I feel like it, but there is no daily or monthly word count goal for October.

Fic 4: work on figuring out the timeline

All fics: use the downtime this month to work on chapter titles & flesh out outlines

Change the whole damn series name this late into drafting

Oneshots:

Bingo fic (I promised this AGES AGO, so this has GOT to be the month I finally deliver istg)

Oneshots or ficlets, whatever this month's inspiration tells me to do

Editing:

Flu: title change, style update

on the run: deadass don't remember this one, so we'll see

5 Times Lance Doesn't Matter +1 Time He Finally Does

Smiling 'cause you're used to it (a house that's always haunted)

Chemicals, chemicals in my brain (where'd you go, where'd you go anyway?)

Nowhere to call home (so I'll pack and run away)

5 Times Peter Struggled with Spider Metabolism, +1 Time Tony Helped: possible style update

Whump Bingo: major edit--these were barely edited in the first place, oops

Anywhere but Here: style update

Sick Days

Take the worst situation (make a worse situation)

We are the reckless (we are the wild youth)

Cocktails and Consequences: content edit since I barely drank before I wrote this and didn't research alcohol at all

Sickdays 5.0 Day 7: Temperature: title

See me here (meet me here)

And it hits between the eyes on this side

Sickdays 2.0 Day 2 & 5: Sick at a Party & Gently Tinged with Red: title, brainstorm for a closing chapter

Sickdays Day 5: Rapid Onset: title

Impressions

Sickdays 4.0 Day 1: The Oblivious Partner: title

Sickdays 4.0 Day 7: Chain Reaction: title

Sickdays 5.0 Day 6: Public Illness: title

I've got you stuck on my mind (and it's driving me crazy)

Days locked in a haze (trying to forget you)

Sickdays Day 6: Public Illness: title

I want to know who you are (I want to know who you were)

Will you stay with me for another day? (I don't want to be alone in this state)

I'm keeping you at bay (and I'm lonely)

Sickdays 5.0 Day 3: Caretaking Focus: title

Weightless (only wait for a fall)

Hiding It

I feel strange

Bullies and Bailing: possible content edit because I just don't like this one at all

Made a Mess

Season Three

Oh god

I'm not saying I told you so...

Sickdays 5.0 Day 4: Not the Norm: title and possible content edit because I HATE this fic with a burning passion

Accident

Don't ruin this

Rapid Onset

No Right Side: content edit because I don't like how this came out

Frostbite

Happily Ever After

Wes

Touch of the skin brings trembles and shivers

Favorite Outfit

Sleepless folks watching light grow (through their early morning windows)

Origins

Ember

Peace

Road Trip

+2 anon works

Longer term:

October 2024 - light month! doing whatever I feel like, but probably some oneshots or ficlets.

November 2024 - unofficial NaNoWriMo (fuck AI).

December 2024 - finish rough draft for LTS(LTFH) fics 1 & 2.

January 2025 - LTS(LTFH) fic 1 & 2 major content/continuity edit. Technical edit for fic 1 & begin posting depending on how long edits take.

February 2025 - LTS(LTFH) fic 3 (drafting) & 4 (outline and early drafting).

March 2025 - LTS(LTFH) fic 3 & 4 drafting.

[rovermcfly]

How I Made C-53's Cube For My Cosplay

(cosplay)

This isn't going to be a full step-by-step guide or anything, just an overview to give an idea of all the materials and effort required for this specific cube so I skip a lot of details. If you do manage to use this as a guide to make the cube yourself I'd appreciate a credit (and would love to see it).

For anyone curious about my process: I worked on this for about two months in total. I started out with different materials and a different concept and ran into a lot of roadblocks, at least one short circuit and spent quite a bit of money. I had to learn basics of LEDs, programming them, circuitry, electronics etc and spent many hours not even making anything and just learning things to get an idea of what I will and won't be able to do (for example I couldn't program the LEDs myself because the additional cables and microcontroller board simply wouldn't have fit inside the cube but I had to learn a lot about it first to reach that conclusion). I'm not gonna share the previous versions but they all followed the basic general idea (blinking/"moving" LEDs inside an acrylic box) just executed worse.

The parts and tools I needed for the final cube:

and there is a German website that makes custom acrylic boxes so I chose a 105 x 105 x 105 mm box with the screws to hold it together (I like the screws for a more computer/technology look) :

The bluetooth controller came pre-programmed with exactly the light effect I wanted and I control it with my phone.

All the LED parts are connected/soldered together in this general layout:

After connecting everything I stuck the LED sheets to the plastic cube that I cut with an exactor knife to make space for the cables and connections based on how I personally could work best with it

I sanded the acrylic box before assembling it to give it a frosted look and diffuse the light and for additional diffusion I made sheets with the polyester cotton by wrapping it in the clear packing tape so I can easily take it all out and put it back in

And it all fits together like this and the lid of the acrylic box becomes the bottom so it all rests on the battery pack and bluetooth controller so when turned around it gives the illusion of a free-floating cube inside the box

The final result is pretty much exactly what I had envisioned and I am unbelievably happy with it. All the hours and money that went into making this were absolutely worth it and if nothing else this showed me again how you truly can learn and do anything if you just bring enough curiosity, passion and confidence to a project.

Also a quick shoutout to Kamui Cosplay and their discord, without their resources (videos and books on LEDs) and the helpful people in the discord I never would've been able to make this!

[chayscribbles]

chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ september 2022

oh hey there. haven't done one of these in a while huh.

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: embarrassingly few

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue, Andromeda Rising, Secret Space WIP :)

proudest accomplishment: ummm i read a lot

books read: The Stray Spirit by R. K Ashwick (aka writeblr's very own @ashen-crest!!!), Fortuna by Kristyn Merbeth, Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (just started)

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

(i know this is a writing update but i really like putting little reading updates here as well lol. book thoughts in short: Stray Spirit was a 5/5 and very cute and cozy; Fortuna was a 4/5 and is VERY Chaycore with a family of smugglers in space trying to stop an interplanetary war while dealing with their own personal drama; and Nona i've just begun but i am already losing my mind in the best way.)

(maybe if people are interested next time i'll make a separate post for reading updates.)

writing was honestly abysmal this month, i had a few flashes of motivation but most of the time when i sat down to try to write all i would get was a sad trombone noise in my brain. i really hesitated to even make an update for this month but here it is. it's gonna be short.

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE / ANDROMEDA RISING

the climax continues to vex me. every time i think i've figured it out i realize i haven't figured out anything at all. i'm too close to the end for me to give up now but i am sooo frustrated.

i'm hoping to be able to just blitz through this final act during NaNo just to get it over with, but that means i need to actually figure out what the final act looks like so i don't have to think about it in November. so while using October to plan it out would be a good idea i also feel like i should take a prolonged break before November... but i won't be able to relax until i know i have a plan... so basically pain and suffering <3

in the meantime, i've decided, against my better judgement, to start rereading AR1 right away instead of waiting to finish AR3. i'm hoping it might give me a bit of motivation and maybe inspiration for this bit i'm stuck on. (it hasn't, but it has reminded me of bits that i'd forgotten about that are better than i thought they were so that's something i guess.)

☆ COMMENTS: SECRET SPACE WIP

i'm still not ready to talk about this wip on writeblr but in between bouts of AR driving me mad i worked out Secret Space WIP's plot a bit to try to keep myself sane :')

also wrote a few scenes in the first act. i'm already at 7.5k total for this draft oops :')))

if you want ✨exclusive access✨tho you can dm me for the link to my discord server where i have spilled some beans on it ;))

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

sorry for being such a downer in this update. have some FinnPetra Fluff/Angst with no context <3

“Come back to me,” she whispered.

He knew it was foolish to make such a promise, but still, he gently took her hand between his, the best he could in the tangle of leaves, and softly said, “I, Finneas Robyn Becker, swear by the stars that I will do whatever I can to come back to you.” 

A shiver coursed through Petra's body as he completed the ritual by tracing his middle finger down her palm, the pad barely brushing over her skin, then brought her hand up to reverently press her knuckles to his lips.

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to either.

general taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthorr @stormharbors @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @stormharbors @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspirall @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[fictionfixations]

The Hermit Archives / HC Fic Series [Grian-centric.. ish...?] / Thoughts

So. The Hermit Archives. Where do I even start?

Well first off- I finally read it- I binged it all today actually? And like. so. I've never actually seen The Magnus Archives, which I'm pretty sure is what THA is based off of, but like HOLY FUCK- I think I have a new fixation, which is a bad thing, and I've already had multiple fixations TODAY-

Like Chrisrin who does a few of the book covers for some of em on Twitter had this post pinned with I think THA Scar but hanging upside down as the tarot card 'The Hanged Man' or something and then my brain was like 'what if I wrote a collection of oneshots either connected or not connected that have to do with tarot cards and their meanings and i could pull random ones to decide'

and then now i wanna do the fuckin audio recorder format where its like

[GRIAN]

(STUFF HERE)

AAAA

WHY- i have so many other WIPs I really need to get done that I've been procrastinating for like over a month now D:

My point is though- The Hermit Archives is distracting as fuck and the storyline is just 'HOLY FUCK' and for a series that technically doesn't usually go straight after each other and are instead from different times as well as the statements we 'hear' of, you just get stuck in this story, and it all feels like it connects, like one after the other and the stories are just so interesting, and each statement is like its own little story even though its in like first person stuff which I kind of grew a dislike for eventually, but I just don't mind it in statements??

no but holy fuck i was LOST in this

nothing was stopping me

I was reading for hours and my eyes didn't even hurt or feel tired like they usually do after bingeing for long periods of time the fuck?

no but there was so much that happened and so many other minecrafters--

i mean like holy shit?

okay so like

spoilers. ..duh.

okay Grian has main character energy probably- I think he's most likely the only one who has 'encountered'.. twice, third..-ish..??? Actually i think Mumbo did twice though because the potato incident and the evil moon rock- everyone else, i dunno

BUT. So. Grian has Red Light Green Light where he.. Honestly I wanna say it was similar to third life with desert duo? I think we were all thinking that, except Grian has murderous urges and then continues to have those urges and HOLY FUCK- YES.

Then we have during the moon rock incident.. THE EYES??? we never got an explanation for the eyes- the fuck?

THIRD- we have Cleo's... feathering

WAIT NO FOURTH BECAUSE HE WENT TO TANGOS LIBRARY AND LIKe... fell. and saw pearl. that counts, right? holy fuck man

Also do we even wanna get started on what happened to Etho? He went blind, eyes gone- I wanna say it might've been.. Evil Xisuma....? I can't tell whos who because I'm a dumb fuck, but so basically- EX was like.. carving out peoples eyes and replacing those eyes with his to have total control of their body and live on forever basically, but what happened to Etho? But with Xisuma, EX took out on eye and replaced one, so logically Etho should have two by now, but like..

I mean we will never know will we? But would they really dangle mysteries in front of us if they won't give us an answer?

BUT to what I said, EX probably wouldn't though because he was choosing his family members as his 'successors', and as far as I'm aware, Etho and Xisuma aren't related.

But so- out of all of this- I think that one title that I can never remember how to spell with the study of birds, where Grian went to Cleo to make a deal that he'd stay there for 3 days as like a statue thingy and she would get Joe for a meet up (except not really- but what can she do?)

uhm. so. i wonder- i mean so in the alternate hermit archives, cleo chopped off grians arms and legs and replaced them with wings and bird legs

do you think that wouldve happened if cleo had been more prepared?

huh..

BUT Grian was kidnapped there for like 6 months he said in that alternate. but I'd think that Cleo could finish before that time, not to mention Grian said that he'd been in Cleo's closet with a cloth over his head in case someone would look in ? Cleo didn't even let him out, the statue magic just like.. wore off..??

honestly confusing as fuck but honestly really interesting. EVERYONES INTERESTING- except i dont think we've seen enough with mumbo? We've gotten a lot of pearl and her dreams, a bit of Scar with his death curse thingy, Grian- because hes head archivist, and then we just hear Mumbo about becoming like a vegetable potato thingy and etc-? I think it was Slumber Party or something when the evil moon rock happened, but Mumbo wasn't even the main focus, he just like started it and then everyone else went and encountered the fuckin monster

..huh..