#'theyre doing a different app moon--' i do. not care.

[twink-between-worlds]

[beepsalotl]

crying ugh i love these characters so much and i hate the world so much except i dont and i just wish i could have what these characters had and be in a place that isnt like this one

im gonna cry ugh i dont know why i care so much, theyre not even real. but, like, in my head, they are, yknow? as in, they exist in the space i built for rhem as i read the series and learned about them and their world

fun fact, they were the first two characters whose books (each is the continuation of the story from a different third-person-limited perspective) had their names in the title. black hardcover w green embellishments for moonwatcher, a nightwing. white hardcover w blue for winter, an icewing. books six and seven, respectively. all the symbolism was there before you even open the goddamn books. yin and yang. AND YET.

and also they had two different histories and their tribes had a stale feud for thousands of years bc of some asshole jerkface. moon knew nothing about it bc she was raised in the rainforest practically by herself bc her mom had to sneak away from the shitty volcanic island the nightwings lived on to hide from the historic nightmare jerkface. winter knew all about it (or he THOUGHT he did bc he only knew the icewing side) bc he grew up surrounded by heirarchy and laws and rules and structure. moon didn’t grow up with the resentment at all, which allowed her a chance to see the truth.

she had to be self-sufficient. he had structure to lean on, even if it made him narrow-minded and nearly hard-hearted. he had to break through that, and she learned how to have patience. i feel like moon herself is sorely underdeveloped but i take the hints i can get and i feel that she learned how to forgive him by understanding who he was through his thoughts and, after skyfire, remembering that he was different inside than out and was still struggling.

when they were together, he was trying to be better and learn and he was kinder and softer even though he struggled to always be like that, and she was so patient with him.

heartbroken enraged screaming ensues, really.

like the rey and ben situation at the end of tros.

having him die in the end undermines everything the skywalker legacy stood for and all the development he had and it still breaks my heart bc he proved people can make bad, horrible choices and can survive abuse and break through it and change and be better and be loved. and then he DIED instead of getting his happy ending, which practically is what happened to winter bc the author basically said fuck you go live in the mountains doing work for peace and studying scavengers (which i know is his passion, but….) and your friends will hardly visit or write and they wont tell you the truth about how they defeated the bad guy WITHOUT ANY OF YOUR HELP EVEN THOUGH YOURE MORE THAN CAPABLE and they wont trust you and youll be alone forever.

my list of pairings and characters that i’m unreasonably heartbroken over:

ben and rey, winter and moon, catra and adora, draco and harry, zuko and katara.

catradora got together, ik, but their story still breaks my heart no matter how much hope it also gives me.

anyway, there’s no way for me to end this bc i dont even know what im feeling. it’s been years but winterwatcher’s fate still tears me up inside with the way it dashed my dreams of seeing a character like winter learn to let himself be loved.

i want to learn to let myself be loved, but i dont know how.

these characters are my attempts at finding myself out in the world and seeing if it’s possible. i dont attach my self-worth to them, but it hurts to see them fail to find romantic love where i saw it. idk

— a quick journal entry i wrote in my notes app years ago, as an emotional 16 year old with identity issues and way too much alone time on my hands

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[akadaisical-blog]

This is more effort than it’s worth.

Chasing a body double halfway across the city is not how he’d prefer to be spending his day, but as tiring as it was, he didn’t really want to die, you know? He very much enjoyed living as lazily as possible, not to mention he’d never hear the end of it from the others....

And, well...there’s some people he just can’t leave behind, so slacking is unfortunately not an option.

( it never seems like it’s an option in the first place, must to his chagrin )

Their lives may be different, as well as their histories, their blood, but they are both Akashi Kuniyuki at their core. The dot moves fast as he does, like some sort of sick chase scene from one of those weird ‘cartoons’ that he sees on the TVs in store windows as he goes about his day. The blinking dot is almost seared into his retinas as he darts about the street, avoiding confused bystanders and other scuffles along the way, the unpleasant thought of a slow-acting poison seeping through his veins the longer he waits propelling him forward.

There’s a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin by the time it finally starts to slow down; and he should hope so, considering he’s had a wild goose chase all the way throughout this entire damn place. Around and around they had gone, he’s surprised the other hadn’t darted into one of the newfound areas that he’s only managed to hear about in passing. Through one ward, then two and three, a hand swipes across his forehead and brushes away sweat-soaked strands as he brings up his phone to check to see if his progress has slowed any since the last time he checked.

He’s stopped.

At the edge of Cotes, skirting Golden, the blinking dot sits unmoving, as if taunting him. He doubts someone like himself would think of something truly unpleasant, but despite what he claims, Akashi has seen enough battlefields to know he shouldn’t let his guard down as he pockets the device and breaks into another unrelenting sprint. With luck, knowing himself, that dot won’t be moving for at least a while. And a while is just what he needs.

Man, though...his legs are really gonna hate him for this after this, but what can you do?

The slight burn has reached his lungs by the time he steps foot on the sand. The slight give beneath his feet is a welcome sensation compared to concrete and asphalt, and bright eyes glint in the slight glow on the moon as he slowly makes his way forward. He’s searching, seeking, for the one person he could never mistake for another. The face he sees whenever he passes a storefront, whenever he looks in the mirror in the morning.

Akashi Kuniyuki finds himself sprawled out on the beach, the waves gently lapping at his feet and a tired gaze staring up at the stars. 

From beyond the coast, a slight glow stirs beneath the waves.

“Aaaah...you caught me, huh. Guess that’s that.” 

It’s odd, he’ll admit. Hearing your own voice address you? Yeesh. Still, the other body doesn’t move, closing his eyes as Akashi hones in on the matching sheen of sweat that seems to coat his face ( is it from the running? or is it from the disease that ravages him from the inside out, slowly corroding his brain, robbing him of reasoning? ), and takes a moment to consider his options.

He sits. Right beside the splayed out body double, who’s loose t-shirt seems too cold for the chilly night air that seems to seep through the skin and chill the bones.

There’s silence for a moment, the only sound being the water and the slightest noises of the cityscape. He’s not really a negotiator, to be honest, but at least this guy seems to be agreeable. A hand gently scratches at dark wavy locks, the only action he allows himself before heaving a sigh.

“Man~, when I talked about wanting a vacation, I can’t say this was what I had in mind....”

“...You, too? Hm, seems we both got it hard.”

“You could say that again.” This would almost be relaxing, if one of two Akashi Kuniyukis wasn’t a ticking time bomb that will bring them both down in only a matter of time.

“...Listen, there’s no hard feelings here, yeah? It’s not like I’ve got anything against you, but — “

“ — But you’ve got something you want to protect too, right.”

He wasn’t anticipating being cut off, and it draws his gaze back to the other’s prone form. One hand has pressed against his head, the look in mirrored green eyes...tense. The memories that intermingle with his own tell him what it is, and with an exasperated sigh Akashi returns to staring out over the water.

“You know, they seem like good kids.”

They are good kids. They’re great kids. They’re his kids, and no matter how many times they fling him around and scold him for his laziness, he wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world. He doesn’t let things get to him usually, but after so long, he’s actually started to miss the childish pouts and complaining that would occur whenever he’d ruffle their hair, or state how he didn’t feel like doing anything.

Hotarumaru, Aizen — they waited so long. Amidst the pushing and shoving and small legs kicking him in the middle of the night, they were content together. And he can see it’s the same with this mirror image. His memories are hazy, blurred at the edges, just like the other’s, but despite the downs there’s the ups as well. No matter how much he’d complain about having to do all the work to support his brother, he still cared about him. Why else would he go through the effort in the first place?

Geez...now he’s getting sentimental. 

His phone feels heavy in his grip, like a weighted stone, or one of the baubles Aizen tends to slip into his pockets before he leaves on a sortie. The night is young, but their time is limited — they both know it. Akashi pretends not to notice as he fiddles with the device for a second, only pausing once a voice pierces the silence.

“I’m not gonna hold a grudge or anything, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m more than willing to get out of here and relax some more.”

“That so? Glad to hear it. Can’t say I’m really interested in having any bad blood with myself, if that makes sense.”

The brightness of the app splashes across his face and casts shadows, a sight that knits the normal Akashi’s eyes together as he tries to push away the sudden apprehension. It’s fine, he’s not thinking straight. Can’t blame the guy, even if he is him, for being nervous. 

“...Sorry to ask, but....can you do me a favor?”

“Mmm?” The phone halts mid-air, and a thumb hovers over the button as the other sits up straight to stare into his eyes with a sharpness that rivals his own. It doesn’t take long for it to click, for the chipped remnants of a history that isn’t his own to give him a hint. The familiar blond face comes to mind, and slots the answer in place like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. There’s a heave of the chest, and with a shrug of the shoulders, the tachi clicks his tongue.

“Well...can’t be helped, can’t be helped. Guess if it’s a personal request, there’s nothing to do about it. Right, consider it done...then I’ll luckily get to sleep for a week.”

The silence takes over again, but that’s not to say he doesn’t get an answer. In the last moments before a bright flash of light fills his vision, he catches a glimpse of a small smile. 

Wherever he’s going, the sword can only hope it’s a better place than this.

And then he’s alone, a lone soul with only the moon for company.

Akashi releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding, flopping backwards with his phone landing idly in the sand beside his fingers. How funny, he looks exactly like how the other had when he’d first stepped foot onto the shore. Probably feels just as tired, too.

Really, he came such a long way. So, even if it’s in a place like this, it’s fine. He worked hard, and even if the Saniwa weren’t here to tell him so, he knows he deserves a reward for his efforts.

With one last final thought to a life that wasn’t his, he lets his eyes close.

Just for a while.