#'out of it' might be a very optimistic view of the situation tho lol i actually just. ran out of xanax š
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i love that you guys can always tell when i've had another very bad episode bc i always come out of it extremely sleep deprived and having spent every single night high on xanax manically binging 15 years of a new soap opera or telenovela
#'out of it' might be a very optimistic view of the situation tho lol i actually just. ran out of xanax š#i have to say tho i'm now a michael corinthos apologist so sorry to whoever knows what i'm talking about#idc that i'm on the bad side of history i can only say both the prison sl and the wiley sl are still very fresh on my mind and also.#i love a guy who's extremely pathetic about needing his dad's approval. for completely non personal reasons#posts made for an audience of -2 lmao#(...)#š§¼
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Money ;
I show up for myself every single day, I wake up and the first thing I do is try to better myself, I wake up and im grateful, I wake up and im happy Iām alive. I wake up confused as hell as well though donāt get me messed up, Iām running out of weed and I havenāt been to work in a month. Its getting a tad out of hand, just like my situation, lol, seems to be out of my hands, do I need to pull up to my job and confront the entire establishment or do I keep being patientā¦. Its like they get annoyed when I ask about my hoursā¦ like maāam? Anyways, saying optimistic and using my time wisely, how ever I would love some fkn cash right now, donāt we all? It fucking sucks without money doesnāt it?
Yesā¦ yes it does, but ultimately Iām the one who out myself in this positionā¦. Right? I couldnāt keep up with juggling work and mental health at once, it became too much, it became unbearable, but on the days I could handle it all, I was the fucking man. I hit my numbers, go above and beyond, coz once Iām focused, its pretty easy to get into the flow of it. I have so many new techniques to use once I go back to work, and I shouldnāt be worried weather or not theyāre even going to roster me at all, but I am. I am worried, and Iām a little upset I couldnāt stick it thru on my last rostered day. But I chose myself, that day, even though the better choice would have been to put my head in the game and just finish the day, I couldnāt bring myself to do it, I was fine physically, but my mind was racing and I might have gotten violent if I didnāt watch myself, so I got in an uber and left.
Since then, I have not wasted a day. I donāt think, and I have blossomed into something I am extremely proud of, because Instead of showing up to work, I showed up for myself, which has made it easier to show up for the rest of life. I am ready and willing to do the mahi, Iām no better than anybody else. I work to sustain my life, independently.
Tbh if you ask for my snapchat thats so gross. Yāall I used to pop my pussy on snap for HELLA bandsā¦. I aint tripping on snap, but the tiktokers took over. I would never make a personal snap EVER again its like my snapchat when I was younger was just me getting super fucked up like every single day and looking super cute doing fkn lip syncs and getting hundreds-thousands of views I was DEFINITELY a snapchat bitch, but that me was so young, like mind set wise, its childish idk. Ill use it to make money tho lmao, the hustle stays. I really donāt want to prepare myself to start dancing again but shit I will if I have to. Stripping can be VERY fun, but i think the alcohol might win in that fight scenario.
The writing really slows me down, and Iām here for it, it helps me so much, with every single letter, every word, every sentence bring me closer and closer to unravelling our mind. Its like a spell I cast, only I have the password, hidden amongst my writings, flooded within hundreds of thousands of words, because I know how much I like a challenge.
Any substance that I use, I abuse, its like do I really need that fkn much to sedate myself? Like shit bitchā¦ why so damn much, I didnāt even know addiction didnt have to be a choice. Its like every 2nd heart beat is for the substance. Or for the feeling it gives me, or for the feeling it takes away, who knows, I just know that I THINK I need it, look at the consequences, its gonna have to effect me physically, and Iām going to have to get through that, without the substance to save me. Only myself, as I am fully capable. Okay Iām going to save my last cone for life threatening emergencies only. Day 4, starting tomorrow, 28th March. Substance deficit. Iām using my medication for the wrong reasons, Iām abusing them, and I know that, so, this is my moment of change. most important thing to remember is to show up for yourself. Be honest with yourself. Sit with yourself, write it all out.
Am I TMI for the internet? Lmao idk, I barely fucking read. Im the type of person who hears someone fart and looks around seeing if I catch anyones eye, but my question is why I even heard the fart in the first place, in this massive room full of distractions, I get so fixated and kind of zone out on the background noise, sometimes its all I can hear, Iām done so much embarrassing shit when Iām focused on something I donāt mean to be focused on, like other peoples conversations or other people movementsā¦ I focus too much on other peoples movements. To make sure no one comes into my space, and if they do, that Im ready for it, but its gotten me to trip up ALOT . I wonder why I do this?
#blogging#new blog#mental health#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words
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What are your favorite placements of all time, and why?
Oop this might take me awhile to do, sorry anon if this is like a week late. Itās especially hard because most of these placements have the potential to be really good but also really bad. Spoiler alert youāre gonna see a lot of Sagittarius and Aquarius because theyāre my favorite signs ahaha. Also you said placements and not aspects so I wonāt be including them in this list. And as a final note I will only be talking about the developed versions of these signs, undeveloped will not be mentioned.
*also there is a link to a more in depth explanation on each placement*
Rising Cancer - these people make me smile and my heart warm when I think about them. Theyāre the sweet old man buying flowers for his wife while sheās in the hospital. Theyāre the tough biker guy helping a kitten to safety. They really see the world in a kind, nurturing, empathetic way. They always make people feel equal to, and included. They are just genuinely kind hearted.
Rising Sagittarius - rising Sagittarius have the āoptimistic nihilismā energy that I fuck with and try to exhibit in my daily life. That big lets go on an escapism adventure that I stan. Big sunglasses finger gunning on a skate board energy. Very āyou think I wonāt?ā Type of people. I love yāall crazy asses. We are the SAME I donāt care what my chart says lol
Rising Aquarius - please marry me because Iām in love with you. The way rising Aquarius sees the world makes my venus in Scorpio melt. I love how unique you see situations and perspectives, the way youāre patient and perceptive. You donāt react, you watch and you add a point of view to the situation that no one throught about. You have a detached yet open way about you that makes me wanna chase yāall asses just so I can figure out what youāre thinking.
sun Sagittarius - I love yāalls optimism, how bubbly you are, how funny and pleasant your energy is to be around. I love how blunt and honest you are.
sun Aquarius - I love your weird way of being, existing. Everything about you is different, quirky, eccentric. And I love that. Youāre also so funny and intuitive
moon Gemini - ok here I am.... BACK ON MY GEMINI MOON FANCLUB BULLSHIT. I love the way you think. The way you analyze, and intellectualize your emotions. You feel anxious, but you donāt like to let your emotions get the best of you in social situations. You try to be logical instead of emotional. Youāre a fucking super human.
moon Leo - youāre so fun, humorous, preformative. You always make people laugh and feel comfortable and good about themselves. Self deprecating and always willing to help others. Attention seeking in an enjoyable way.
moon Libra - diplomatic, caring, generous, can be push overs but mostly is just self sacrificing. Wants to help people, genuinely loves and cares about others, extremely sentimental, loves memories and moments.
moon Sagittarius - adventurous, playful, goofy, innocent, not really thinking abt how theyāre acting, very authentic. Honest with how theyāre feeling but also afraid to be a burden. Wonāt bring up how theyāre feeling but if asked will tell the truth. Can have unhealthy escapism habits. Always down to party. Issues with sex. But I love yāall tho
Moon Capricorn - my babies. So amusing, sarcastic, cynical, but in the most entertaining and adorable way. Because theyāre genuinely moral and wonderfully funny people. But they are really hard on themselves and when it comes to ābothering other peopleā with their emotions, I wish they would let me help them :/ bc they deserve it
moon Aquarius - deep thinkers, dreamers, constantly fantasizing, stuck in their head, always has something profound to say, Philosophical, wants everyone to be happy and get along.
mercury Libra - the BEST at communication hands down. the most honest, caring, diplomatic sign of all time. Good at being perfectly objective and fair, making others play nicely. Kind, understanding, gentle. Always tells people exactly what theyāre thinking.
Mercury Sagittarius - doesnāt say anything unless asked, but never lies. And if they do lie it has to do with something else in their chart. Bubbly communication, always gives things to people on a silver platter, it seems like sugar coating but itās really just giving it to you as optimistically as possible so you donāt think of it negatively. Always the one saying ābut-ā followed by the good side of things. Mercury Sagittarius are curious, always asking questions out of genuine curiosity.
Mercury Scorpio - can come across as harsh but they literally arenāt harsh at all. Theyāre just very ātell it like it isā people, sometimes can be slightly negative but theyāre like crows: they warn people. They want to warn others. Theyāre deep thinkers, constantly thinking about the unknown, solving problems, reading between lies, theyāre truth seekers. Theyāre the same as Sagittarius but Sagittarius wants the light truth, and Scorpio wants the dark truth. Scorpio mercuries are the best hands down this isnāt a debate ok next!
Mercury Aquarius - intuitive, knows what to say and what not to say to people, the best at keeping secrets, never in drama because they know how to stay out of it, smarter than any other placement hands down.
Venus Gemini - wants to talk to the person they have feelings for, wants to explore, communicate, get to know, and gushes over them. Most likely to write a love letter or poems to their s/o
Venus Cancer - cuddly, homey, least likely to cheat imo. Faithful, emotional, you are their everything. They love with the moon, you might not know how much you mean to them and then one day they make you pancakes and kiss your nose and youāre like oh word??????
Venus Scorpio - HI HELLO my time to fucking SHINE weāre the best okay. We love with our soul, gravity, world, body, heart, brain, everything we have to offer. We put EVERYTHING into the relationship, we give the other person everything we possibly can. Our energy, love, physical existence, we would literally die for the people we love. We love intensely and expect the same. Strap in!
Venus Capricorn - hard workers in relationships, wants to see that the other person will put in the work before deciding to invest but then youāre stuck with them once theyāve decided. WILL NOT LEAVE. Will stay until itās fixed. Practical in love. Giving, always so so giving. Doesnāt want to admit it but loves to spoil.
and no mars placements are really my favorite so imma just skip that bad boy
#sagittarius#aquarius#gemini#leo#moon leo#rising cancer#cancer#rising sagittarius#rising aquarius#aquarius rising#moon gemini#gemini moon#gemini moon fanclub#moon libra#libra#libra moon#moon sagittarius#sagittarius moon#moon aquarius#aquarius moon#mercury libra#libra mercury#mercury sagittarius#sagittarius mercury#mwecury scorpio#scorpio mercury#venus capricorn#capricorn#venus scorpio
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I want to hear about cleo and willow's relationship!!! You can't just mention them and not tell us how they are doing dhdjej also, I'm the anon that asked about the society and idk if you got my last ask, but i want to hear more about that too
Snsjwkwkwkwkwk OKAY OKAY OKAY So I gotta explain everyoneās personalities because they are all different! Go ahead and tag yourself after reading
Oscar
Oscar is an absolute sweetheart. He sleeps, he eats, he gets super close to you because he needs the comfort and love and he will follow my dad EVERYWHERE. he also lets Cleo kick him out of his bed and heāll sleep next to her on the floor. Heās pretty clingy but itās just cos he needs love and attention because heās getting older and sadder everyday. Itās not a lie that he has a sad soul, thereās something in his eyes that share so much sorrow but he keeps going and he loves people so much. Heās a good baby heās just so tired heās had a god damn life you know? Heās for sure a hufflepuff
Cleo
Alright this gorl, bless her god damn heart I love her but sheās so fucking dumb. Iāve never met a more stupid cat. Sheās an idiot but sheās a happy idiot you know? Sheās got the spirit. SHE LOVES FOOD and sheās super enthusiastic and happy she even let my sister put socks on her. Sheās just like sure man do whatever Iām a free spirit. She never thinks of the consequences and doesnāt understand anything but sheās living her life to the fullest and thatās all that matters. Sheās a gryffindor. Sheās just so happy and optimistic and carefree I love her sheās like a sunshine.
Willow
Okay sup hereās the best one. Willow is the smartest binch in the house. She knows exactly whatās up and how to dodge any activity she donāt want in on. We have to tie her travel cage up because she knows how to unlock it FROM THE INSIDE. She is extremely anxious. Sheās been diagnosed with anxiety from the vet. She hates it when I leave her :(( but more than anything she is anxious of the vet hence the survival instinct with the cage. More than anything tho, willow is the most loving angel in the world. She donāt trust many people but when she does itās like youāre her whole world. Sheās so sweet and loving and would never hurt a fly. She is so good at understanding when someone is sad too like she ALWAYS KNOWS and will come and cuddle you which is amazing because cuddles are on HER TERMS. Willow has resting bitch face and looks done with life on the outside but on the inside sheās the most softest angel in the world. Sheās a slytherin.
Okay so willow and Cleoās relationship is complicated because Cleo wants to play with her all the time and willow is like no bitch I want my space leave me alone. They will play but sometimes Cleo doesnāt take willows hint that sheās not in the mood and will go too far and willow will be like bitch leave me alone and then come cry to me about it. (Willow goes all draco on us and is like āwait til my father hears about thisā im the father) so yeah you think these siblings just donāt click BUT THEN when itās sleepy time and Cleo comes to sleep with willow Iāll catch willow GROOMING HER and my heart explodes itās so cute they basically have a normal sibling dynamic. They love each other but Cleo can be an annoying little sister and willow will be all LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE MUUUUUUUUUUM. I love them.
My little sister thinks itās funny because willow is my cat but she thinks sheās more like willow than I am and thinks Iām like Cleo who is her cat. So yeah Iām the happy idiot snwjwkwkwkwkwkw
OKAY THE SOCIETY Iāll put this under the cut cos spoilers
I donāt think I did get your last ask! So let me know what you wanna hear specifically but basically I found it entertaining anajakak I dislike so many characters including Allie whoops (i havenāt been in the tag so i have no idea if this is an unpopular opinion. let me know!) but yeah she just annoys the CRAP out of me it just got worse.Ā
Ā but I like a few like kelly I got super attached to kelly, i really love her idk why. sam and Gareth ofc are the goods and becca too love her and sams friendship. Oh and I like Helena A LOT I think she should be their leader sheās the most adult like Iād let her lead me sure. Maybe Iām saying this cos Iām a lesbian tho asjhasjhjahs
i wish cassandra didnāt die so soon like i was digging her for sure. like she did have this whole perfect thing happening but i wanted to explore her as a character more it would have been interesting if they touched on her flaws and shown that she was still a kid just like everyone else you know she donāt have all the answers. but nope.Ā
i think them making allie the fucking leader just cos her sister died was so dumb like what a stupid idea. likeĀ āoh they respect you cos youāre their leaderā bitch i would be annoyed, like sure lets make the grieving 16 year old the leader of us. (i forgot her age so this might be wrong) im sorry allie is just asjhsajhasjhas so annoying to me if sheās your fave im sorry and im sure sheās great and i just missed somethingĀ
oh and yeah i like Elle, i just hate seeing her in pain all the time, save her already.Ā
also her boyfriend and samās brother i just. my issue with him is how he is written? i think itās pretty lame for a show or a movie to just say straight upĀ āoh heās a psychopath so this is our bad guyā like what?? where is the depth and the story and the characterisation? like okay not to be like this but imagine if he was clearly a horrible human being in the real world and someone else is like !!!! so perfect and respected, but then they go to this crisis world and somehow the situation changes him and he has a whole character development and our BIG BAG is someone we never would have expected who seemed so good and innocent.Ā
idk that just would have been a better story than just creating a shit human being right of the bat in every way possible and even having to tell the audience HE IS EVIL FAM like lol what. so yeah from a nerdy storytelling view, not a fan of the character writing of that guy.Ā
man i love kelly tho, to be fair not sure why cos itās not like the story focuses on her much but iām just a fan of these kind of stories, showing how someone changes and she had a lot of change and i support her learning and helping becca and just GIRLS.Ā
im sorry this seems very negative but i actually enjoyed watching the show a lot there was just a lot of annoying characters which iām sure youāll feel it canāt just be me. i hope shjashjasĀ
i have no idea what the world is or whats happening pls tell me any theories if you have any!!! i really liked that scene at the end with peter pan that was great. OH ALSO I LIKE THAT GUY the smart guy who was into cassandra and bean!!!Ā
if kelly has to be with a guy i want it to be him defs.Ā
anyway omg im so sorry if my opinions were like sahashjashjahjs frustrating for you let me know what you think!! change my mind sjahjsajh my mind can be changed for sure with this. but yeah i did like it because i was super entertained and i wanna know whats up.Ā
oh and i didnāt mention sam and gareth much but yes love them they are so sweet help
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Rant af I'm sorry
Yunno I donāt know what my dads problem is with my boyfriend. He doesnāt like him, at all. And I honestly have no idea why. Maybe itās because this is the only relationship heās seen me in? Iām not sure But if my dad could have seen all my past relationships heād understand why B is probably the only one I could ever want to be with. There were some major people who impacted my life in negative ways and Iām still recovering from them. I will point out the major ones First there was David. He tried to kill me once, and manipulated me and made my self esteem plummet. (Grade 3-7) Yes, I know, 3rd through 7th grade and he tried to KILL you? Are you over exaggerating? No Iām not lol. Then there was Devin. He was the first boy to cheat on me. Which made my self esteem plummet even further. He also was the first boy to treat meā¦ like I wasnāt a person I guess?? I donāt know how to describe that one but it made me feel very inferior. (Grade 6) young I know but shoosh this shit can happen at any age if you let it happen. Then there was Max. We never actually dated, but he is still very important because oh boy I crushed on this boy HARD from 8th to 10th grade. He and I had a thing going on in 8th grade but never quite did anything about it which only made me like him more. Then 9th grade came along and we only got closer but still didnāt quite do anything. (I also had a boyfriend at that time that Iāll get to in JUST a second) Finally 10th grade came along and I FINALLY made a move, only to get shot down, HARD. That was partly my fault I suppose for being too scared to tell him my feelings earlier than that. But still, ouch ouch that hurt me a lot. Jacob, the boyfriend mentioned just a second ago, this was a long distance relationship. He was a couple years older than me and I had never met him in person, I dated him because I was extremely lonely. This lasted almost a year, but not quite. It started out really fun because I could lowkey flirt with Max but still have someone to go home to and text and get the feelings of love that Max didnāt give me, I know I know thatās borderline cheating but hey I was in 9th grade and I was stupid in love with Max and it was just a messy time in my life and Ive obviously learned from it and cheating is disgusting ughā¦ā¦. ihatemyselfAAAAnyways, as the months rolled by, things slowly went downhill with this Jacob kid. He just was a downer. We both were depressed and got even sadder when we realized we couldnāt meet for a long time blah blah you get the point everything was a mess and he made me extremely unhappy, that was a very toxic relationship and Iām glad nothing ever became of it. I havenāt talked to him in almost a year, I hope heās doing well. Also in 10th grade I developed this crush on this boy named Anthony and he was a dorky kind of cute, tall and scrawny but still muscly, I dug it. I flat out told him I liked him bc I didnāt want another Max situation and he seemed interested at first until he told one of his friends that doubled as my friend that he wasnāt interested so I obviously found out and got shot down again. Ouch! When that didnāt happen I started talking to a good friend I also met over the internet named Gavin and wowie did this boy make me feel wanted and loved. I had a brief thing with him previously but it never followed through, due to the fact that he was a dickbag and cheated on me and blamed it on some personality disorder where he needed more than one girlfriend to be satisfied *cough* bullshit *cough* but anyways, I tried it with him again the summer going into 11th grade c he was sooooooo sorry and loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me (gag!) anyways, things were good for a while but then he slowly stopped talking to me and cheated again and all this other shit and as my confidence in myself slowly went down the garbage disposal as it had been since like 4th grade, I finally told myself enough is enough and told him I was done with him. I told myself I was done with boys until the right one came along and treated me right. As a junior at a new school with no friends, I assumed it would take until junior year of COLLEGE to even consider boys again (besides possibly sleeping around once I got too tired of being a virgin kek) But yunno, life throws unexpected things at you. I remember the night so clearly. I went to bed finally content with being alone, not having to worry about any boy cheating on me or making me feel bad or putting me down constantly. Then, wouldnāt you know it, the NEXT FUCKIN DAY, this super duper cute boy I had seen a few times around school walked into my first period photography class. And I thought to myself āfuck.ā Bc I immediately knew something would happen between us. This boy was he perfect mix of goofy, nerdy, and cute as fuck, with a hint of holy shit youāre SEXY. Exactly my type. Tall, dark, and handsome (a spongebob reference has never been more relatable) ((besides maybe āiām surrounded my idiotsā)) ANNYYYWAYS Me and this kid start talking bc I grew a pussy (not balls bc balls are sensitive and vaginas take a pounding) and gave the kid my Snapchat. That same day I reaaallly wanted a chance to talk to him so I posted a pic on my story of me and my dog havinā a blast (rip Lily u will be missed ily thank you for being the reason the loml messaged me for the first time) anywho, HE MESSAGED ME FIRST AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHIT bc he thought my dog was cute af (which she was!!!!) and we kept talking and talking and found we had so much in common and finallyyyy we admitted to each other we liked each other and started dating soon after and Iām spare you all the mushy details of how that came to be. Back to the reason why I started writing this little rant/story in the first place. My dad borderline hates the guy. But what my dad doesnāt understand (which is a lot but these next few sentences are important) Every single relationship Iāve had, was with a guy who has done nothing but lead me on, cheat on me, or abuse me (both physically (which only happened twice thank god) and mentally (which happened SO MUCH OH MY GOD itās so much harder to catch that than actually getting physically abused) Yet, my current boyfriendā¦. weāre gonna call him B, bc his name is unique and I donāt want people knowing who I am if this ever gets read by someone who knows me and cares enough to read though all of this. B is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. He makes me feel important. He makes every day a blessing. When I first moved in with my dad in the beginning of 11th grade, I was a complete shut in. I hardly ever left my room besides to eat and bathe. After I met B, I started opening up and spending time with the family, and I made such amazing friends at school that I would have never talked to if it werenāt for him. B makes everything exciting. Of course we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, but ever healthy relationship does. And yunno what else healthy relationships do? They talked them through and fix the problems!!! B has made it so clear to me that I am worth all of the shit that goes on sometimes, and believe me I can be crazy so that is saying something. And oh boy is he a package deal too. Heās constantly got something going on, heās quite frankly an idiot sometimes. But hey, heās my idiot! Iāve never woken up and been happy about being alive since I was like 10, until B came around. B completely flipped my view of the world around. We tell each other this thing all the time because weird kinda opposites when it comes to certain things. He looks like the moon, but is the sun. And I look like the sun, but am the moon. He has dark hair and heās got olive skin (very Italian looking) looking like a human version of the moon. But he has this optimistic view on life, the personality of the sun. Then thereās me; golden brown hair with fair skin, I look like the sun. But Iām kinda a pessimist, and I also am quite the night owl (he definitely isnāt!) personality of the moon. That might not make sense to you, but it does to us. Iām getting side tracked. The whole fuckin point is, I hadnāt felt true happiness since I was 10 until I met this guy. My dad says we arenāt going to last. My dad barely even lets me see him outside of school once a week, and when he does let me he always gives this disapproving scowl and scoff when I ask to see my boyfriend (who I have been with for well over a year now) once a week. Oh and by the way, he LIVES with his girlfriend who heās only been dating a few more months than B and I have been. I wonder what heād feel like if the roles were reversed. Yunno? Like he gets to see his gf every day and sleep next to her ever night, but the moment I want to see B, I get a scowl and a reluctant confirmation that I can see him on the day I asked to see him on. Iām sorry for all this rant and I know itās probably all over the place but I just really really had to get it out because I donāt know why my dad is so unhappy with me being with a guy who makes me so happy. Itās not like B is a delinquent. He has two jobs (one is a photography business, he does really well with it actually he shoots for weddings and shit heās an amazing photographer ((he only took the photography class at my school for the credit and to laugh at how low quality everything was at the school and how badly they taught it))) and heās polite and respectful. My father truly has no reason to not like him, he has no idea how badly Iāve been treated up until I met B. B treats me better than anyone ever has, including my dad. Everyone else in my family loves him! Not nearly as much as I love the son of a bitch tho. I truly grew up from 3rd grade on getting belittled and cheated on and made to feel terrible, and if my dad knew that or understood it, maybe he wouldnāt hate the boy that made me happy to be alive again. Thank u for the ppl who took the time to read this through even tho I doubt anyone will do that bless u ilysm
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