#'okay i need to tell an adult about thi

[fella-lovin-fella]

my therapist understands my soup trauma 😭

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

What are you trying to say? - Trevor Zegras

Word Count - 3600

Author's Note - I 100 percent projected my own dysleixia hardcore into this. This was 100 percent written for the dyslexic girlies and learning disability girlies only. Also not me accidentally maybe becoming a Trevor girlie after writing this oh no. This one is by far my favorite segment.

Warnings - light angst but like it ends happy shocking for this page, who am I becoming???

Summary - In the talking stage with Trevor Zegras you're not sure how his joking personality will respond to your struggles that you have with being an adult with dyslexia, especially since it doesn't affect you how media expects it to.

Let me love you masterlist main masterlist

This isn’t something new to you, you’ve struggled your entire life with the fact that you're dyslexic. It’s a lot more complicated than people may recognize. Many people assume that it only comes up when you're trying to read something like a textbook or an article, and that when you’re finished with school it won’t really affect your daily life anymore but that’s far from the truth. In truth, being an adult with dyslexia affects you in little ways daily. From having difficulty knowing your left and right when given verbal directions, your spelling being terrible when texting others, mispronouncing certain words and being easily embarrassed when it gets pointed out, or worse sometimes the word is literally on the tip of your tongue you can even physically see in your brain but your mouth can’t form the proper sounds, how certain fonts you struggle to read vs others, or that black ink on white paper is the bane of your existence.  Although all of these are “little” things, it does impact the way you communicate with others. It does feel extremely frustrating sometimes feeling like people think that you're using your dyslexia as an “excuse” when in reality your brain is wired completely differently because of it. 

Since you first met Trevor and started talking to him, you had that fear you always do in the pit of your stomach, will he pick on you the first time that he truly can’t understand a text or the first time he hears you mispronounce a word despite years of speech therapy where you tried to but still you can’t pronounce correctly. Although, part of you knew that your fear was extremely irrational, part of you couldn’t shake the feeling that was until proven otherwise the jokester in Trevor would make a joke about something you truly couldn’t control. 

That is until today, when it happened it’s one of those rare days when you were driving and Trevor was in the passenger seat. His car was in the shop, and he needed a ride back from the arena to his apartment. Originally he was going to take an Uber but since you both already had plans after the morning skate you insisted on picking him up. 

“It’s easiest if you take this right up here to get back to my place.” He directs you without looking up from his phone,you tell him okay, turn on your left turn signal and get in the left lane. Trevor finally looks up from his phone while you're waiting at the red light for it to turn green to see you're in the wrong lane. 

“Sweetie?” asking in a questioning tone

“Hmmm” 

“This is the left lane. I told you to take a right.” Trevor says in a concerning tone as to how you were five traffic lanes away from where you needed to be. 

“sorry I thought you said ‘left’. I can make a u-turn?” Deciding in the moment you didn’t want to admit that you heard him correctly but processed the direction wrong, you offered as the traffic light finally turned green. 

“It’s alright we can just take the long way. Don’t worry about a u-turn.”  Not seeming to care at all that it will add an extra 10 minutes to the drive due to the mistake. 

As you continued driving you ended up making another wrong turn, Trevor put his left hand on your thigh and subconsiously rubbed small circles into skin to comfort your growing anxiety, he could feel this odd tension that was built up in the car. “Can you point please?” your voice barely over a whisper as you felt extremely embarrassed all of a sudden and started feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. 

“Yeah Y/N/N I can do that, we could also switch places. I can drive you the rest of the way if you need it if you're feeling anxious all of a sudden.” Trevor was being really sweet, trying to fix the problem at hand thinking it was just some anxious thoughts and not your brain processing audible information incorrectly. 

“No, pointing is good.” Forcing yourself to look straight ahead because you don’t want to accidentally catch his eyes as he looks at you with a worried look. He squeezes your thigh in a comforting way and drops the topic. The rest of the ride felt quick as he pointed and said the direction you needed to go until you reached his apartment. Finding a parking spot in the garage you parked your car, as soon as you felt your foot on the brake, and your right hand pulled the gear in park, you leaned back automatically and sighed grateful you were done driving. Trevor still had his hand on your thigh, he turned his neck so that his head was also resting on the headrest. 

Trevor patiently waited until you opened your eyes, turning to him with a soft smile. “You ready?” you ask him, as you start to unbuckle your seatbelt. As you grab your purse from the back, your hand on the door handle. His hand that was on your thigh is gone and immediately pulls you by the wrist back into your seat. As he takes his other hand and gently places it on your cheek forcing you to look at him. 

“Can we talk about it?” His voice was steady, calm, confident but soft, almost as if he was scared of your reaction. 

Smiling a little wider now, in a split second you try to decide what you want to do. Do you want to tell a boy who you’ve only been casually talking to and hanging out with a handful of times - one of them being this current moment - about being dyslexic. Although it’s not that big of a deal in retrospect, it’s something that you can never take back once you said the words. Even though it’s something so simple and common no one ever looks at you the same again. Were you ready to tell Trevor, and see his face change permanently or did you want to live in ignorant bliss for a little longer. 

“I’m fine, it’s just when I drive somewhere new I like listening to the GPS and not a person telling me directions, it helps me focus better is all.” sheepishly you admit. 

Ignorant Bliss. That’s the choice you made. 

“Okay well next time, can you tell me that so I don’t have to watch you stress yourself out please?” His hand that was on your wrist, going down to your hand playing with your hand. Taking your hand that he was playing with, fully grasping his you squeeze his hand as a silent yes, and nod your head. He leans over the middle console and quickly peaks your lips as if it was a last minute impulse and he meant the cheek. “Thank you, let's go inside.” 

—-------------------------------

Living in ignorant bliss was great for a few weeks, until you started to actually like Trevor. Talking to a guy for a few months and it not going anywhere vs meeting someone and potentially seeing at least an exclusive relationship with them were two very different things. Knowing that you saw a relationship with him in the future meant it was only a matter of time before he found out that your dyslexic which again isn’t that big of a deal, but the fact that you also lied to him a few weeks ago. Not telling him is one thing, but lying when he asked why you were struggling to drive that day is a completely different act. 

Trying to put off the inevitable you tried to push the thought to the back of your mind. Somehow convincing yourself that if you didn’t think about it, then the problem would disappear he would never find out. I mean when you didn’t know how to spell a word while texting, you just spoke it into your phone. As far as grammar no one really had perfect grammar when texting including Trevor to be perfectly honest he probably didn’t even notice half the time. Plenty of people kept all their devices in dark mode for plenty of reasons, he had no reason to ask, although you did it because it helped your eyes stay focused on the words in front of you, not for the aesthetic. 

Even so, with all of these excuses as to why he wouldn’t notice you failed to remember that certain words you truly can’t pronounce the correct way no matter how hard you try. It all came crashing down tonight when you were at Trevor’s apartment cooking dinner for the both of you. Dinner was almost done at this point, when Trevor came behind you just now re-entering the kitchen after taking an expected call from his little sister. Trevor wrapped his arms around your waist, his head resting on top of your shoulder. 

“Everything okay?” you ask your curiosity getting the best of you, even though you know it’s none of your business. 

“Yeah she’s fine.” Pressing a kiss into where your jawline and neck meet. “smells good.” He compliments your cooking as he teases you one more time with a small nip with his teeth where he just kissed you, before pulling away and resting his head on your shoulder. 

Answering shyly, you let out a “thank you.”

“Anything I can help with?” asking genuinely although you're not sure if it’s to be kind or if it’s because he’s hungry but either way you’ll take it. As he slowly unwraps himself from you, getting ready to help you in any way you need. 

Without looking up from the chicken that you're grilling on the stove, trying to concentrate on the task at hand you answer him. “Yeah actually can you grab out the mellk from the fridge for the mashed potatoes.” Not even thinking twice about what you just said until you heard a chuckle coming from across the kitchen. 

“What babe?” standing in front of a now open fridge, he could have sworn you tried to say milk but botched the word so badly, it couldn’t have possibly been.

“the mellk” finally noticing what you asked for, knowing this is one of the words people can’t help but point out how you butcher it. 

“What are you trying to say?” he asked, truly confused now that he heard it twice. 

“M - il - k “ you repeat slowing down your mouth trying to force yourself to pronounce it properly but also not speak too slowly. Hoping that it's noticeable as you force your tongue to the roof of your mouth to make the “il” sound.  

A small chuckle leaves Trevor’s lips but it wasn’t a malicious way, it was as if he chuckled because he found it adorable. “Here's the milk baby.” walking back over to you and placing it on the empty counter space next to the bowl of steaming hot cooked potatoes. Taking the chicken off the hot burner you moved to the island to where the potatoes were. 

“Sorry” you mumble as he stands beside you, his hip resting on the side of the island. 

“For what?” His eyebrows frowned, his eyes focused the side of your face the only thing he could see. Focusing on the task at hand, you used the potato masher and mashed the potatoes. Opening the milk and adding a little along with some butter that you set out earlier. 

Feeling the rise of some anxiety in your stomach, hoping that you could procrastinate just a little longer on admitting that you didn’t tell him the whole truth. Deciding if now was the time or if you were gonna dig yourself in a bigger hole by wrapping yourself in a thicker web of tiny white lies. 

Finally turning your head to the side to face him and taking a deep breath. 

For good measure making one more deep breath before you barely utter the words, your nerves getting the better of you. “I lied.” 

Trevor’s face immediately changed from confusion and concern. In an instant it became shocking and almost hurt, that the girl he thought was actually going somewhere a month in, is admitting to lying to him. Not when he told her in the beginning that lying wasn’t something he tolerated after his ex lied to him for months and manipulated him. Not when he just told his little sister not even ten minutes ago on the phone that tonight he was gonna ask you to be his official girlfriend. “What are you talking about?” his voice cracking before he could even get the word out, quickly clearing his throat to cover up his own insecurities about the possible tension that could slowly be felt brewing in his kitchen. 

“Remember a few weeks, when I was driving you to your apartment from the stad-” 

“What the FUCK does that have to do with lying to me? When did you lie to me Y/N” Not only has Trevor never once raised his voice at you in a not joking way, but he’s never cursed at you, and his tone made you close your eyes and flinch at the impact. Immediately, seeing you flinch he sighed his hand going to lightly crease her arm closest to him. “When did you lie?” asking at a much softer tone than moments before. 

“I’m trying to explain.” Trevor could have sworn he felt his chest hurt when he heard you struggling to speak, as if you were trying to get yourself not to cry. “Please let me explain.” 

“Okay” he softly let out, as he squeezed your arm not sure if he was trying to comfort you or himself as he felt the possibility of you slipping through his fingers. 

“A few weeks ago when I drove you home.” finally turning her body fully turning to face him. “I lied, When you asked me what happened. I told you I need the GPS because I get overwhelmed.” Pausing to make sure that Trevor was following along, he nodded along, “I lied, sort of,” your voice picking up in speed with each word you uttered out  “I mean I do get overwhelmed while driving but it’s not because of that it’s not that I” 

“Baby please take a breath you're scaring me” His other arm is going to cup your cheek, even though he was mad before as he heard you fixated on driving him home a few weeks ago. He knew it couldn’t have possibly been any of the terrible ideas that popped into his head, at least Trevor hoped not.

 “I sometimes get my left and right confused.” Looking up trying to gauge his reaction, watching as one of his eyebrows go down, as if to say ‘that’s all.’ 

“Okay. So that was the lie? Everyone gets confused sometimes and makes mistakes baby it’s okay” His famous smile slowly takes over his face. 

“That’s the thing is it isn’t sometimes, it’s kind of a lot when I’m driving when someone is giving me directions without pointing, and there are other things too. I mean they're small but they still affect me almost daily and I just.” 

Deciding to take a breath because if you don’t you will be more likely to trip up your words or stutter. “I’m dyslexic and it’s not really how they describe the movies.” 

His smile dropped a little and you swear it felt as if your heart felt as if it had just dropped a hundred flights down the Empire State building. “Dyslexic. Like you mix up letters when reading?”

“Yeah but it’s more than that.”

“Okay. But why didn’t you tell me when it happened? Why did you say it’s because you get overwhelmed.” 

“Because I do get overwhelmed when I make dumb mistakes like that. Plus, everytime I tell someone they never look at me the same. A lot of times they are shocked, and they also sometimes judge me because how does it not affect me the way the media portrays it? Why do I mispronounce words, why can’t I tell my left and right when someone gives me a direction, why I can’t read maps to save my fucking life but yet if I don’t have my GPS running I’m bound to a wrong turn, why does sometimes my mind decide I either can’t come up with a word at all or I can physically see it but I can’t say it and I can’t spell it because I’m such a bad speller.” 

“Shhh” not trying to cut you off but also trying to get you to breathe. “So you didn’t tell me cause you were scared I would look at you differently? Or judge you when something you can’t control comes out at random times of the day? That’s why you told me to point instead of just saying it because you didn’t wanna tell me in fear?” Not sure his tone is showing remorse for you thinking that at all or hurting that you ever would think of him in that way. 

“Yeah.” you embarrassingly admit.

Trevor spent the rest of the night listening to you and how your brain was different due to your own personal experience with being a dyslexic. The next morning you found him reading an article about the effects of different lighting and how dark mode was the best for dyslexics and certain fonts were better than others. It made you chuckle as you told him you knew and that’s why your phone was permanently in dark mode.  That day, he changed all the settings on his tv’s in his entire apartment for dark mode, even all of his own personal devices. Finding it adorable that he went on a tangent when he found out certain apps don’t support dark mode and how he said it was discriminating. Finding it harder and harder for yourself to hide your soft smile as you watched him continue his rant, your heart swelling at how passionate he sounded. 

“I really like you, you know.” you admitted when he finally stopped complaining about how Mirosoft finally started supporting dark mode it was still ‘white paper’ on black ink so they really missed the whole point. 

“Oh yeah.” as he grabs you, pulling you towards him on the couch, tangling your legs with his. 

“Yup” popping the p for emphasis.

“I really like you too. Actually I was gonna ask you.. Wanna make this official and let me call you mine.” The blush was obvious on your face, immediately turning a light red shade, nodding your head he pulled you into a soft kiss. 

—---------------------------------------------

A few weeks later you were out to dinner with a few close friends and Trevor. Currently trying to tell a story about one of your new coworkers and how you didn’t like him but mid sentence you froze. Trevor had yet to see you freeze because the word you planned to say completely escaped you. Of course this wasn’t new to your friends as they saw the familiar signs, the way in which you paused, your lips pursed in a questioning way, your hand coming up and shaking knowing it was on the tip of your tongue and you just couldn’t think of it or couldn’t pronounce it. 

What your friends weren’t used to was seeing Trevor respond to it. His response to you struggling made all of them share a glance in approval of his small action. He took your shaking hand and slipped it into his own. Immediately your small flustered expression on your face turns to him. Your friends couldn’t hear what you were saying between yourselves if you were even talking at all, but they could see the care in Trevors eyes and how your frustration seemed to melt away.

“Hi” he whispers only for you to hear after a couple seconds pass. 

A smile breaks out on your face. “Hi” 

“What are you trying to say?” repeating the same sentence that he asked you weeks ago when you asked him to get the milk out the fridge. 

“I can’t think of it.” a sigh leaving your lips. 

“Describe it.” His forehead resting on yours as you look into his eyes. 

“You know, like a red flag.” 

“Like in dating? So a slang term?” 

“I think.” Pausing for a few seconds for your brian to catch up. “But I know it’s not called a red flag, but it’s like it, I think, like when someone does something and immediately you're like ew.” 

“An ick?” he softly suggests. Immediately your mouth forms into an o-shape in shock, making his mouth twitch into the slightest smile. Kissing his check quickly and whispering a quick ‘thanks’ and turning back to your friends. 

“Okay so like this new dude thinks he can come in and just boss all me and my other co-workers around. That’s not even the worst part like not only is he lowkey sexist, he literally only wears highwaters, immediate ick…” Trevor sat there half listening to your story with a huge smile on his face, hand on your thigh drawing patterns subconsciously as he sipped on his drink. He loves listening to you talk, how you get lost in telling stories and he’s happy he was able to help you instead of you pushing it to the side like you did all those months ago. 

That’s how it is from that night on, anytime you text him and he can’t understand it, or you can’t think of a word, or butcher the pronunciation; he will simply turn to you and ask “What are you trying to say?” 

[motherjoel]

something special (part 2) (joel miller/reader)

part 2 to something special!! i recommend reading that first but tbh it doesn't matter too much

wc: 5.3k

warnings: fluffy and maybe a teensy bit angsty. uhhhh smut? oral f!receiving and pee pee in wee wee

a/n: omg like i wrote part one of this so long ago but I was struck with inspiration and horniness so I made a part 2!!! i hope you guys like this, it was really fun to write lmao BUT PLS don't be mad if its a little ooc and also ignore marias whole backstory cause reader is her sister and they didn't have parents so Jackson wasn't created by their dad idk the logistics just bear with me here.

PART ONE

-

His tongue skated lightly over your neck, his left hand resting firmly on the back of your head and his right on the sliver of bare skin between your t-shirt and pants. The kitchen counter was cold against your back, the granite digging into your spine. You let a soft moan escape your lips as he sucked a particularly sensitive part of your neck, prompting him to move his lips to your own with a growl. His hands migrated to your hips, tapping them to urge you to hop up onto the counter. As you move to slide up, his hands grip your waist and lift you the rest of the way. 

 You briefly break the kiss to situate yourself before diving back in, your core now warm against his stomach. You work to lift his shirt off, him returning the favor. Then, the doorbell rings. He doesn’t acknowledge it, but it doesn’t stop. You both try to ignore it, though it's persistent in its ringing.

You wake with a start, sweat now cooling on the back of your neck that makes you shiver. Your legs clench together in the aftermath of your dream, the telltale signs between your legs indicating what had just happened. You smile to yourself, noting that this is the first time you’ve dreamed in months. You’d much preferred this to the screaming and blood of your nightmares.

The doorbell continues to ring, and after a groan into your pillow, you stand and rub your eyes. You can’t tell if the dizziness you’re feeling is a consequence of the drinks you’d had or the dream you’d had. Either way, you push it aside to open the door.

“Jesus, you look like shit,” Maria chuckles as she pushes herself inside your house, carrying a heavily packed tote bag. 

“Thanks, it's a new look I'm trying,” you turn away from her to head to the kitchen for a glass of water as she makes herself comfortable.

“Well I’m sure Joel would love it,” she smirks, seating herself at the kitchen table. You blush at the thought of the man you’d been dreaming of moments before. 

“God, last night was…” you shake your head, “did I embarrass myself?” you ask with a wince. Maria snorts a laugh.

“Quite the opposite, actually. I think you made… quite the impression. Or at least, that's what Tommy said,” she begins to unpack the bag she brought. Inside is the biggest breakfast sandwich you’ve ever seen and some coffee grounds. You’d told Maria you needed more just yesterday, and her thoughtful ass just had to get you some. You almost rolled your eyes at the level of thoughtfulness.

“Wait… Tommy? Did he talk to Joel? What did Joel say? Does he… what does he think of me? Did I embarrass myself? Oh my god, Maria, he probably thinks i'm crazy,” you rant, waiting for her to interrupt you. She watches, almost too amused to stop you.

“Yes, yes. Tommy talked to Joel... which I’m not happy about, by the way!” she pauses to give you a look, but you groan, urging her to continue. “Okay, okay. He said… he said something about you being ‘special’. Tommy thinks he’s a goner,” Maria scoffs and moves to the old coffee pot you have on the counter to make a fresh pot. 

“Oh… thats… wow,” you can’t quite find the words you’re looking for. You feel like a blushing schoolgirl. 

“Yeah, well…” Maria pauses, both of her hands on the counter as she thinks. She turns back to you. “Just… be careful, yeah?” you furrow your brows at her words.

“What do you mean? I’m a grown adult, I think I can handle myself,” you feel yourself getting frustrated at her words, as if she doesn’t have any confidence in your own abilities.

“I know you can handle yourself. You’re an independant badass, we’re all aware,” she raises her hands in defense as you give her a small smile. “I just mean… It's Joel. Tommy told me some things about him… things he did before he came here, and-” you cut her off.

“Alright, I don’t need to hear this. Maria, seriously, we all did things to survive! I’m definitely not somebody to judge,” you lower your head, flashes of pre-Jackson floating through your head.

“I know, I’m just saying. Be careful, alright?” you nod before grabbing your sandwich and sitting at the table.

“Alright,” you take a bite of the sandwich and let out a moan. ���Fuck that’s good. Okay, so what else did Tommy say?”

-

Joel forgot what a hangover felt like. He’d vaguely remembered the head-pounding nausea of his youth, but a memory is nothing like the real thing. The real thing was much, much worse.

As he lies in his bed, thumb and pointer finger pinching the bridge of his nose, he recounts the previous night. He remembers the vitriol spewing from that man's lips and he can't help but mentally thank him for facilitating your encounter. He remembers the bottle of pinot noir, particularly the way it tasted on your tongue. He smiles to himself, the unfamiliar butterflies in his stomach unsettling him as much as exciting him. He needed to see you, and soon. Maybe if he got the courage to leave the house.

Before he can make up his mind, his doorbell rings. With a groan, he stands from his bed. Damn knees. After taking a moment to steady himself, he makes his way down the stairs. He glances at his coffee pot, noting the lack of coffee grounds. He softly curses to himself, realizing he’ll have to figure out how to get some. Tommy had given him a tour of the town when he first arrived to officially settle in, but he’s realizing just how little he’d absorbed. 

Pulling himself from his thoughts, he swings open his door to see you. You, with your shy smile and your bright eyes. You wear a loose-fitting flannel, and jealousy tugs at his gut as he thinks about who’s flannel that could be. Butterflies soon replace the jealousy as he imagines that it’s his own. His own, meaning he could probably take it off himself. You open your mouth to speak, cutting him off from his thoughts.

“Here,” you stretch out your arm. Joel notices, for the first time, a mug of black coffee in your hand. His mouth opens a bit as he gasps softly, hoping that you didn't hear. “It’s a bitch trying to get coffee grounds around here, but I figured I’d share my stash,” you shrugged, still holding the mug out with an awkward smile. He reaches for it, your fingers grazing as he grabs the warm mug.

“Thanks,” he replies shortly, taking a small sip and rolling his eyes back into his head. “Jesus, that's good,” he chuckles softly before taking another sip.

You watch him drink, his throat bobbing as he sips. His lips glisten with the coffee, and it takes all of your willpower not to taste them yourself. You look down to the white t-shirt he’s wearing, tufts of hair poking out of the top. His flannel pajama pants make you giggle- he looks like someone's father. Someone's sexy father.

“Something funny?” he raises his eyebrow before taking another sip, savoring the bitterness he’d missed so dearly.

“No, nothing it's just… you look cute when you wake up,” you blush, eyeing the way his hand rests on his hip. His shirt rides up under his hand, the small sliver of skin like a car crash you can’t stop looking at.

“Cute? I look… cute?” Joel raises his eyebrows more, if even possible. He can’t recall a woman ever calling him cute. Certainly not a woman he was… interested in. 

“You know what I mean,” you nudge his arm before pulling your hand back, crossing your arms so as not to touch him more than you already had. Joel didn’t really know what you mean.

“Well, you do, too. Look cute, I mean,” he scratches the back of his neck, studying the freckles on your face. The way they move when you talk and smile. You’re gorgeous and it makes Joel realize just how out of his element he is. He feels himself grow cold, ice freezing over the warm puddle you turned his heart into. “I have to, uh,” he points his thumb inside, desperately thinking of an excuse to get away from you so he could calm the beating of his heart. He fails to think of one.

“Oh,” your face falls a bit but you quickly plaster a smile on your face. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around,” you turn on your heel, the warmth of embarrassment creeping up your neck and onto your cheeks. 

Jesus, what were you thinking? This man has a daughter and at least 10 years on you. Those things didn’t matter to you whatsoever, especially now, but they probably mattered to him, right? You shake your head as you approach the stables, ready for a day of work. As much as you love human interaction, you really loved working with the horses. They obviously can’t judge you, so you tell them all of your problems as a way of working things out. 

You approached Jessa, a filly born about a year ago. She was completely brown except for a few white spots on her head and around her ankles. You call them her boots. 

“What am I gonna do here, Jess?” you frown, opening her stall and taking a seat on a milk crate next to her. She whinnies softly. “I know, I know, I’m crazy, right?” Jessa huffs. “We were drunk, Jess. It was a mistake, I guess,” you stand, pet her head, and leave her to see Joel standing awkwardly at the front of the stables. Your heart drops at the possibility of him overhearing you. He fidgets before speaking up. 

“I’m supposed to meet Tommy,” he murmurs, looking anywhere but you.

“Oh. What for?” you ask, noting the accidental edge in your own voice. Joel's eyebrows pinch together at your tone.

“Uh, patrol. Training,” he clears his throat. “About, um, earlier,” he starts, taking a small step closer to you. Before he continues, Tommy enters. 

“Well, hello there, lovebirds,” Tommy strides through the stables confidently, a stark contrast to his brother. He ruffles the hair on your head and you swat his hand away, rolling your eyes at his brotherly nature. You choose to ignore his nickname for the two of you, opting to help them get their horses for patrol.

“So, you trainin’ him?” you ask, reaching to grab the saddles from the wall. Joel doesn’t miss the way your shirt rides up. 

“Yeah, gettin’ the old man ready to start pulling some weight around here,” he smirks when Joel visibly rolls his eyes. 

“Ah, well, good luck out there,” you smile and hand Tommy the reins, ignoring Joel completely. Tommy raises an eyebrow but chooses to stay silent, thanking you and leading Joel to the gates.

-

Joel was never a smooth man. Even in his prime, he didn’t date much. It's not like he had much of a prime, what with having Sarah so young. He wouldn’t have traded her for the world, but it's a simple fact. Joel was out of his element. He’s kicking himself from the second you walk away. How did he fuck up so badly?

As he shuts the door, he turns to see Ellie at the kitchen table, watching his every move.

“When the hell’d you get here?” he starts, eyeing down Ellie who is currently staring him down with wide eyes.

“Like 20 minutes ago, you walked right past me,” she shrugged and took a bite of the granola bar in front of her. She speaks before swallowing “the fuck was that, by the way?” she questions. Joel grimaces.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth. S’impolite,” he walks past her to sit on his couch, mug of coffee in his hands. He studies the mug, ceramic and plain for the most part, aside from the brown owl on the front. He wonders if he’s going to give it back to you. 

“That was Maria’s sister, right? The one from last night?” she smirks at the shock on his face.

“How the hell’d you-” he starts before she cuts him off.

“Come on Joel. First of all, the front porch? Not exactly a private venue,” she starts, shoving more of the granola into her mouth. Joel groans in annoyance. “Second, my friend Dina told me she saw you guys at the Tipsy Bison. She said there was totally some chemistry,” she laughs.

“Friend? Who is she? Can I meet ‘er?” Joel perks up at her words, excited that she has a friend, but also trying to get out of the conversation they’re having.

“Yeah, she's really cool. I met her at movie night, she- wait, no you're not getting out of this!” She stands from the table to join him on the couch.

“There is no ‘this’. I’m pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me now,” Joel traces his fingers over the grooves in his mug. Your mug. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“What do you mean? Y’all were totally getting it on,” she laughs, as he shoves the side of her arm, trying to hide his smirk.

“Y’all? What’re you, a cowboy?” he huffs a laugh. 

“Learned from the best,” she gives him a cheeky grin. “I think… maybe you should talk to her. Adults are so dumb, like, half of the world's problems could be solved by just talking to each other,” she furrows her brows for a moment. “Well, except for the whole ‘infected’ thing. That’d probably take a bit more.” Joel can’t help but laugh at her train of thought. 

“Maybe I will,” Joel pats her knee and stands up, setting the mug in the sink. He’d probably give it to Maria to return to you. 

He didn’t plan on trying to talk to you again. He’d just screw it up, he thought. Images of you were scattered throughout his mind all morning, and he was kicking himself for his lack of social skills. Before he could kick himself anymore, he saw you. He’d had no idea you ran the stables. If he’d known, maybe he could have prepared himself. Maybe think of a few words to say. Instead, he was his usual, awkward self. 

The patrol goes how he’d expected it to. Tommy notices he’s quieter than usual, which is saying a lot. The route they took was empty except for a small group of runners that they took out with ease. Joel just wants to be in his bed, asleep. He doesn’t want to have to think. He’s afraid he won't be able to get back as soon as he’d hoped, Tommy leaving him alone at the stables to return the horses. Tommy had said something about ‘getting home to the old ball and chain’ that made Joel roll his eyes, but he relented nevertheless. 

His heart pinches in worry when he doesn’t immediately see you. He figures it's for the best- the horses are already in their stalls, and maybe he can just sneak out without checking in with you. He’s about to do just that when he hears raised voices coming from your small office. He quietly walks closer to the door, trying to listen in.

“I told you, I’m sorry!” he hears a male voice echo under the door, and it’s familiar. He wracks his brain to figure out who it was.

“Justin, I told you it’s fine! I don’t care! I’m sorry, but I’m not interested anyway,” he hears your voice now, smooth as silk. His heart skips a beat.

“You’re only saying that because you don’t know me, baby,” he feels disgust at the male voice now, recognizing it as the man from last night. He fights every urge inside of him to not burst inside that room right now. 

“Hey, get off me!” he hears you yell. His fight to suppress his urges is completely gone as he hears you in distress, slamming the door open to the sight of you pinned against your desk, this ‘Justin’ guy grabbing your wrist with a bruising pressure.

“The hells goin on here?” Joel asks, chest heaving.

“None of your business, old man. We were just… talking, right?” Justin smirks to you. Joel notices the fear in your eyes and his heart cracks a bit.

“Um… right, yeah. It’s fine, Joel,” you say, unconvincingly. You widen your eyes to urge him to leave. As if he ever would. 

“How bout we all go home, yeah?” Joel asks, taking a step closer. Justin takes this as a threat, releasing you to turn to face Joel.

“And what if we don’t want to, huh?” Justin crosses his arms. Joel looks down at him, grateful for the 2 or 3 inches he has on him.

“Oh, I think you want to,” Joel says sternly. Justin takes this as an opportunity to push his shoulders, slamming him into the wall behind him. Joel is taken off guard, but he can’t help but chuckle. “You didn’t want to do that, kid.”

“Seriously, man? All this for some bitch who doesn’t even put out?” Justin smirks as if he’d won the argument. Without skipping a beat, Joel's fist is in his face, knocking him to the ground. You yelp, jumping out of the way.

“Fuck, dude!” Justin yells from the ground grabbing his bleeding and possibly broken nose. Joel shakes his hand, stretching his fingers. His knuckles fucking hurt, but its hard to focus on that when he sees the way you’re looking at him.

“Get the fuck out,” you robotically say to Justin.

“But- h-he-” he tries to speak.

“I said get the fuck out!” you raise your voice, pulling him off of his feet and pushing him out the door. Joel watches him like a hawk as he leaves, ready to punch him a million more times if he needed to. The two of you stand in silence for a few moments  before you decide to speak up.

“How was patrol?” you ask, fidgeting with your hands. He huffs a laugh, taking you by surprise. “What?” you smile slightly.

“Nothing, it's just… after everything that just happened, you’re asking me about patrol?” he looks into your eyes, noticing the heat in them. He’s sure he has the same look in his own.

“Are you… okay?” you ask, ignoring his question. 

“You’re asking me if I’m okay?” he asks, incredulous. You nod, with an mmhmm. You bite your lip and Joel isn’t sure if it's the adrenaline or if he finally grew some balls, but he surges forward and in a single step, he has your face cradled in his hands. 

“I-is this… okay?” he whispers against your lips, feeling your hot breath on his own. You nod before reaching up to clutch his flannel in your hands, pulling his lips to your own. Joel unwittingly moans into the kiss. He fucking moans. He’s almost mortified. Almost. When you moan in response, he’s only urged on further, slowly walking you backwards until your ass is pressed against the desk. He taps the side of your hip, motioning for you to hop up. You separate for all of 3 seconds, settling  on the desk, when his lips are back on yours. 

You whine into his mouth, spurring him further. He fiddles with the bottom of your flannel, itching to rip it off but maintaining some restraint. Before he can think too deeply, you reach out to the bottom button of his own flannel. 

“S’this- this ok-kay?” you ask between breaths. 

“More’n okay, darling,” he smiles softly, leaning down to kiss your neck while you work on the buttons. You giggle at the sensation. “What?” Joel asks with a small smile.

“It’s hard to… focus… when… ahhh,” Joel reattaches his lips to your neck with a smile. He feels like a teenager again, kissing his crush in secret. It’s thrilling to him, really.

You’ve never been more turned on in your entire life. You thought that dream had made you insanely wet, but Jesus, this was something else. You do finally manage to get his shirt off, leaving him in a white t-shirt. He continues to fiddle with your shirt, causing you to pull back for a moment. He furrows his eyebrows, wondering if he did something wrong. You whip your shirt over your head, leaving you in only your plain black bra. You wish you’d worn something lacy and pretty, but considering there wasn't a Victoria’s Secret nearby, you weren’t that upset. 

It’s been a very long time for Joel. Though he was out of practice, he was pretty sure he remembered what to do. He certainly didn’t have a hard time showing how much he wanted you, his erection painfully strained against his pants. Women liked that, right? But, you weren’t just any woman. You were… something else. At the sight of you in just your bra and jeans, Joel knew he was done for. And your smile, that damned smile… it felt like worship in a world without faith. 

You wanted more, so you took it. Reaching to the hem of his white t-shirt, you lifted to pull his shirt off so that you’re skin to skin. The first thing you notice is how fucking warm he was. The next thing you noticed was his scar-riddled chest. You trace them softly with your fingers, the raised skin smooth against you. He looks down at you, his eyes softening as you observe his body. 

“You’re beautiful,” you whisper, looking up to meet his eyes. He laughs softly.

“You’re one to talk,” he says before taking your lips against his again. He feels spurred on by your words and actions- he now has no doubt now that you want this as badly as him. 

“Take my pants off, Joel,” you smirk, unbuttoning them yourself to give him a head start. He laughs before pulling them down the rest of the way leaving you in your underwear and bra. He reaches his hand forward, mouth slack as he presses his hand against your core, palming you over your underwear.

“Mmmmmfuck,” you moan, head bobbing onto his shoulder.

“This alright?” he asks, restraining a moan at the dampness of your underwear.

“Please, keep going,” you grind into the palm of his hand.

Without hesitation, he traces his hand up your mound, purposely putting pressure on your clit, before reaching the hem of your underwear and sliding his fingers under, finally feeling you. He moans at the wetness collected between your legs, amazed at how turned on you are from him. He collects that wetness and brings it up to your clit where he rubs in painfully slow circles. You buck your hips into his hand, and he chuckles- its low and gravelly, his own arousal preventing him from putting on a steel front. 

“Fuck, darlin’ you’re so wet,” he whispers into your ear. You can barely hear him, your own heartbeat thrumming in your ears. As you’re about to speak, he slowly slips a finger inside you. You let out a loud moan, biting your lip to stifle the noise.

“S’okay baby, make some noise for me,” his movements maintain their place as he drops to his knees. You stiffen.

“J-Joel, what’re you doing?” you pull at his hair so he looks up at you. It gives him goosebumps. 

“What’s it look like I'm doin’, sweetheart? Need’ta taste ya,” he licks his lips as he looks at your core, knowing he’d never see anything as beautiful as this again in his life. You freeze at his words.

“Oh, you don't have to…” you look away from him shyly. He stands at this, hand still moving between your legs.

“Oh, I want to. Please, baby, I want to,” he says to you, pleads almost. Guys had never asked to go down on you before, and you’d never pushed for it. It was nerve wracking- you considered telling Joel this. But the look on his face was enough- you can’t help but relent. 

“Mmhm, okay,” you nod and he smiles, sinking to his knees again. 

He doesn’t even notice the way his knees creak or how uncomfortable the hardwood floor is on them. He just needs to taste you. The moment his mouth is on you, he moans. The vibrations cause a jolt of lightning up your spine. 

“Fuck, s’good,” he says against your thigh before kissing it and diving back in. This time he lifts one of his hands to slip a finger inside, the sensation causing you to lift your legs to rest on his shoulders. You hoped you weren’t squeezing too hard, but the thought was fleeting as his free arm shot up to wrap around your thigh and pull you closer.

The familiar sensation of your core tightening and your vision blurring hit you like a truck. No man had ever made you come before, and certainly not within less than 10 minutes of seeing each other. The orgasm swells to a peak, your thighs clenching on either side of Joel’s head as he moans into you. The aftershocks hit almost as hard as the initial shock, and you don’t realize it's over until the overstimulation of Joel sets in. He was still going absolutely crazy, drinking you in like his life depended on it.

“Ah, fuck,” you hiss at the oversensitivity and he immediately pulls away to ask if you’re okay. “I’m fine,” you laugh. “I’m perfect, actually. Jesus Christ,” you laugh again as he stands, pulling you to the edge of the desk so your clothed core is pressed against his jeans, leaving a dark spot over his crotch. “I’ve never… done that,” you confess shyly.

“Done what?” he asks, cocking his head.

“Been eaten out. And also, I guess, have a man give me an orgasm,” you giggle, mind loose. His expression hardens.

“Wait… what?” he looks at you, concern in your eyes.

“I mean, no guy has ever wanted to before. It’s no big deal,” you shrug, wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Baby, it is a big deal. Because how any man could deny that… there has to be something wrong with him. A big deal of something wrong with him,” Joel laughs with you, pressing his forehead to yours.

“Can you please fuck me, Joel?” you ask with a cock of your head and a pout on your lips. Joel almost trips in trying to take his pants off and you can't help but giggle.

“Oh, you won't be laughing soon, darlin’” he chuckles before pulling his cock out from his underwear. It’s huge, obviously, because why wouldn’t it be. It’s the biggest you’d ever seen, and you can't help but lift your hand up to grab it, stroking it to the tufts of hair at the base. “Won’t be lastin’ too long if you keep that up,” Joel grimaces with a hiss. You smirk as you grab him and lead him to your entrance, pressing the tip to you.

“Start slow, okay?” you ask, worry filling your gut. It had been awhile, and with a man as well endowed as Joel, you couldn’t help but have some worries. 

“I promise,” he chuckles before pushing it in, just the tip. The two of you gasp in harmony, your arms shooting to wrap around his shoulders. “Y’okay?” he asks, bringing his hand up to your cheek. 

“Y-yeah,” you stutter, “keep going, please.”

“Okay, baby, I gotcha,” he pushes himself further, and before you know it, you can feel his tufts of hair against you as he bottoms out. He’s breathing heavy and ragged as you lean up to capture him in a kiss. He tries his best not to move, to let you adjust, but his restraint is like a rubber band about to snap. Before it does, he feels you move closer to him, urging him to start moving. He doesn’t need to be told twice.

He begins slowly, moving his hips back and forth. You squeeze him perfectly, your wetness allowing him to move with ease. His hands moved to your hips, then your breasts, your face- he was all over you. It took everything in you to keep your eyes open, but the eye contact he was making was worth it. When he wasn’t kissing parts of you, he was watching you. Whether it was your eyes, your lips, or your breasts, he was watching you. He only closed his eyes when he blinked. You were used to guys digging their faces into your shoulder and finishing in 30 seconds. Everything about Joel was… so much more.

He flattens his palm on your stomach above your mound, feeling himself inside of you. Slowly, he moves his hand up your chest to squeeze your nipple. You unexpectedly gasp and arch your back, urging him to continue. His other hand snakes from your waist to your clit as he begins to rub in circles.

“Need’ya to finish with me, darlin’” he whispers in your ear.

“O-okay. M’close,” you manage to squeak out, his hands doing so much to you. 

“F-fuck,” Joel lets out a groan as he tries to maintain his pace to get you off. The second he feels you clenching around him, however, he speeds up. As he’s about to come, he quickly pulls out and spills onto your stomach, chest heaving as he leans over you. He wishes he’d had a camera to capture the view in front of him right now

You’re breathless and sweaty beneath him when you come to. His length lay on your stomach, twitching as he came down. The two of you remain this way for what feels like an eternity before he stands up fully, grabbing a box of tissues from your desk and proceeding to clean you up.

He reaches his hand out to you and you take it, hopping off of the desk. Grabbing the discarded clothes from the floor, he motions for you to lift your arms over your head so he can slide your flannel over you. Only it's not your flannel, but his. He doesn’t comment on this as he puts your flannel on himself, the usually oversized fit you’re used to fitting him perfectly

You reach up to fiddle with his hair, the curls messy atop his head. His lips part but he stays silent, watching you bite your lip in focus.

“There,” you smile. “Better.” 

Joel isn't sure what to do with his hands now, the soft ticking of a clock on your wall filling the noise. He feels heat creep up the back of his neck when he recounts what you’d just done. In public.

“Coffee?” you ask, playing with the hem of your new shirt.

“Hm?” he snaps his head to you, daze broken. 

“I said ‘coffee’? Like, the drink?” you giggle.

“What about coffee?” he asks. He knows you’re probably inviting him over, but he just wants to hear you talk. 

“Ugh, just come home with me, Miller,” you laugh and grab his hand, leading him out of the stables. 

He follows you to your house, your hands intertwined the whole walk. Neither of you acknowledge this as your conversation flows as easily as if you’d known each other for years. He stays at your house for hours, enjoying his coffee almost as much as he’s enjoying you. You both realize around the same time just how enamored you were with each other. Though neither of you are sure how to feel, Joel knows now that he can’t lose you. Ever.

[piratefishmama]

Beware The Thorns | Part 1

(a NSFW multi-part ficlet)

“Who was that Eds?”

“Mind your business, shithead” Eddie pocketed his phone, he recognised the number the moment it flashed up on his work phone, a device he always had on him regardless of where he was, he could be at a FUNERAL, and he’d have that phone on him.

In this instance however, it was merely a family dinner. Well… family and the Henderson’s, so yeah. Family. He’d excused himself upstairs and answered as soon as he was out of earshot.

Evidently, he’d been followed.

“I heard you say you loved them… are you seeing someone?” Eddie tried really hard to not be insulted by his tone, a weird mixture of disturbed amazement, with just a dash of disbelief for flavour. Was it that much of a stretch to see him dating someone?

Was it that unbelievable to the person he’d practically grown up with, that he could find someone who’d like him?

Maybe it was. Didn’t mean he had to like it; his job had kept him away from actually… dating anyone.

“Maybe I am, again, mind your damn business.” Of course they didn’t know what he was, what he did to earn his money, he’d spun some lie years ago about an online business because ‘rockstar’ had to… actually have evidence, he had an actual legitimate website to keep the lie going, nothing ever really went through it, but… it worked to keep the questions at bay.

Nobody asked, and he didn’t tell, he was a grown ass adult, he didn’t NEED to tell anyone.

Dustin sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat, good… he’d have never gotten anything out of him anyway “fine, fine don’t tell me… don’t tell meee, your only brother.”

“We’re not even relat—”

“The best man at your future wedding.”

“Since when was I getting marri—”

“The Wan Kenobi to your Obi.”

“What the—”

“I am happy for you though, the both of you! I hope you’ll bring him home someday, I’m sure we’d all like to meet him” Eddie’s eyes widened… he’d never… fuck … he’d never said anyth— “What, you think you’re all crafty? C’mon Eddie, you can’t even sit normally.”

“The fuck has that got to do with anything?!”

“Y’know… gay people… they can’t sit properly… in chairs…? Is that wrong?” at least that proved that Dustin could be uncertain about some things.

“You’ve been on that stupid app again, haven’t you?” He had the decency to look guilty at the very least. “The fuck have I told you?”

“It’s dumb and addictive and I should stop, BUT IT’S HELPING ME LEARN!”

“It’s filling your head with bullshit! Fine, I’m gay, what the fuck ever. Go back downstairs for the love of all that is holy, and just give me a minute to process that you’ve been theorising my sexuality based on how I sit, and don’t you DARE tell anyone.”

“Oh, c’mon Eddie! You’re old enough to come out now, you have your own place, your own business! Plus, we all love you, no judgement here, this is a judgy free zone.”

“I will rip out your larynx and shove it up your ass if you even THINK of telling them.”

“But… how will you know if i’m thi—okay I won’t say anything, i wouldn't say anything. Not my place.” Eddie had levelled him with a look, a single, rage squint look, a look which promised imminent pain if he did not take his nosy ass and remove it from his presence, and he’d accepted that look for what it was. A promise.

Not just a threat.

“I’m gonna have to go early, my… my boyfriend, will be home tonight, the ridiculous idiot never has food in so I’m gonna go sort that out.”

“You’re buying his food for him? Eddie… that’s… he’s not just using you for money is he cause that’s really bad.”

“No dumbass, he’ll give it me back.”

“Right away?”

“YES, right away.”

“Not just promises he doesn’t intend to keep?”

“Dustin, I will brutally murder each and every one of your characters in graphic detail within five minutes of every campaign for the next year if you do not—”

“Okay!” Hands up in surrender, Dustin took a step backwards, a threat to his precious characters was no laughing matter, even if Eddie would struggle to make that kind of threat happen, the risk was there! He still had to ask “is… is he good though?” Of course, Eddie could threaten all he liked.

Dustin was his little brother, or as good as! It was his job to be insufferable.

The question however, made him think, he could pick any of them, any one of his clients to mould this imaginary boyfriend from, maybe mix and match, bring him to life from attributes of all of them, that’d be fine right? Nobody but Dustin really knew he was dating so… he wouldn’t be introducing them to him.

Perfectly coiffed brown hair… a warm smile… big, strong hands, a constellation of pretty moles dotted in places Eddie knew far too well. There was no amalgamation of faces, no mixture of personalities to make the perfect one, just a soft smile, warm hands, broad shoulders, muscle, and perfectly soft, thick brown hair… his favourite.

“Yeah… he’s… he’s great, Dustin… you’d like him” big strong softie he was, and it was so easy falling into the role of his boyfriend too, he’d been paying for that package for what felt like forever, he felt like he knew the man inside and out, like the back of his own hand.

He was the only one to have paid for that package continuously for over more than a few months, even Hagan only paid for it every now and then, never continuously. He thought Steve would have gotten tired of him by now but… It’d been two years.

Some people expected MARRIAGE after two years in a relationship.

Steve Harrington seemed to want him more and more by the day and the surprising thing, was that the thought didn’t invoke the same level of panic that he were SURE it would if anyone else were to have those wants, those needs of him.

He felt… comfortable with Steve, safe with him. Like he could show hints of himself, the real himself without the fear of losing him, of putting him off.

“You look so dopey smiling like that, y’know? You must really like him, huh?” He’d been smiling? Fuck… “Well… anyone who can make you smile like that just thinking about him is alright by me, I’ll cover for you, you can go sort his food out if you want.”

This was fine… totally completely fine. Would be better if Dustin could actually keep his mouth shut but alas. Dustin had a history of foot in mouthisms that'd gotten them into trouble after trouble after trouble years on the trot.

Eddie probably shouldn't have continued to tell him stuff, but that was his little brother so. He had to.

“Uh… yeah… yeah I like him. Thanks, I’ll… grab my coat, just tell em I feel sick or somethin so I’m goin home” he didn’t say goodbye, Dustin probably did that for him, just grabbed his coat and snuck out like he used to do as a teenager when he simply couldn’t be bothered dealing with his fathers drunk ranting about queers being put in cages.

He did have to come to one very unfortunate conclusion after that conversation though. After seeing Steve instead of a mishmash of faces, after being unable to put a random face to the title and spin it as truth.

Feelings were there. Real feelings. The mushy shit. The wants for more that he couldn’t have. The Pretty Woman syndrome without the corny and frankly rushed happy ending.

It couldn’t continue anymore, what he had with Steve had to end. Feelings… real feelings… he couldn’t have real feelings for his clients. It put his whole career on the line, his way of life gone in an instant all because his heart had to go all gooey for someone who probably didn’t even give a real fuck about him.

This was fine.

After the evening was done… he’d end it, terminate their contract. It was for the best. Steve deserved better than him anyway.

Part 3

[vergess]

this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

[sophieswundergarten]

@nobodysdaydreams Come get your Notes!!!

(School is being. A Lot. But y'all know the drill: S.O.S., Amzing, Go read it, thank you)

Judgement Dayyyyyyyyyy

Sounds ominous

Flashback wrap up!! Yay!

MAYBE THINGS WOULD BE EASIER FOR YOU IF YOU WEREN’T CONSTANTLY SNEAKING AROUND, NATHANIEL

Ohhhhh

Milligan and Kate :( 

OH HE’S ASKING THE :LKJSD>

LITERALLY JUST STARTED FLAILING AGAINST THE KEYBOARD

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TRYING TO CALM DOWN NOW

Oh, come on. TELL THE TRUTH. YOU CAN DO IT. PLEASE.

Come on. Come on, buddy. You can do it. Please.

NATHANIEL

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I don’t know what I was expecting. He’s still trying to make things fit into his ridiculous worldview, even though it’s a little better. Maybe someday…

Bods, I am giving myself nausea I am so invested in this story asjdfj

You are SO talented

Oh dear

Milligan’s wife

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOURN THIS. ALL OF THIS. IT’S HARD. ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE SAD. STOP YOUR NONSENSE.

Mr. Benedict being the best dad in the middle of all this ajdskjfd

(Him and Milligan, at least. The two of them are amazing)

They really need to tell the adults everything. It’s not exactly helping for certain details to come out at such inopportune moments

And now the secret’s out about him stealing the credit for her inventions…

Poor Garrison. Bods, I know you said she’s been “the villain all along”, but I just feel so sad for her. She’s such a special character and you’ve developed her so much I just want to give her a hug. She shouldn’t have done some of the things she did, but all of it is interlaced with such grief and melancholy I can’t ever really be mad at her.

Calling Sticky!!!

That detail makes me such warm and fuzzies. You couldn’t compromise the integrity of the plot to have him there, but they call him every chance they get and he’s genuinely caring about them and wanting to know everyone’s okay <3

Sticky’s Aunt and Uncle Mention!!!!

(They are just barely below Isaac on my list of people who are not at all major characters but I care about probably way too much)

Oh. He finally let go of some of it. That probably was hard, but felt kind of good. I’m glad he could do that.

An hour? He must have actually been pretty tired. I doubt he slept that night (Given he was experiencing a 24 chapter flashback asdhjdfj /j /silly)

SQ

OH, NICHOLAS DOESN’T KNOW, HERE IT COMES

“lovingly but forcefully preventing Mr. Benedict from jumping out of his seat and running off to find the nephew he’d just learned about, though he had no idea of his whereabouts”

Yep, that checks out ajsdfjd

Such a good line. You can always sum up the characters so well in just a single sentence

Constance’s turn!!

“The humility will help him grow”

Y’know what? Sure. That makes sense. Good plan asdfkj

SDFKJLDSDSFKJ:LDSFKJHDSFKJ:HDSFKJ:

SISTER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

GOING INSANE

YOU DON’T KNOW HOW DESPERATELY I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND SDJFJHDSKJHDSJGD

Wait….

Is the sister psychic?

Ohohohohoho

Fake violets!

“You always did love drama and symbolism, so I suppose it does fit, perhaps as a pseudonym or an alias, but your legal name? Natty, I know method acting is a thing, but that really does take it a bit far.”

Is it bad that I think I like her a little bit too much?

Nessie!!!!

Afsjdkl; ads;kjasldfkj;;sdv lkj; asdf kj;lsadfkjl 

YOU NEED TO STOP IT. I CAN’T KEEP ABUSING MY POOR KEYBOARD LIKE THIS

SEYMOUR THE CAT

Bods, I am hyperventilating

Oh boy. She must have a pretty impressive memory. I’ getting a little spooked

Absolutely cackling that she’s shorter than him

Oh no, now he’s angry. I hope she doesn’t react badly…

OH NO. SHE’S REACTING BADLY. SHE DEFINITELY HAS SOME TRAUMA

Oh dear. Nathaniel…

This is starting to feel like your Christmas Carol AU, with the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come

Only worse

As much as she shouldn’t be hurting people, I’m kind of worried about Nerissa

(Also this reminds me of how fun and scary it was to play with her character blog!)

HAH. I don’t know why the adults think that politely asking the kids ot stay out of it is going to work.

Oh, Garrison

Constance is doing good at being intimidating, but she’s just a child. She shouldn’t have this kind of pressure on her, even if it mostly self-imposed

Pushing people off the roof? Are we taking cues from Cutter now? /j /silly /affectionate

Nicholas trying to be all surreptitious and spy on them adsjfjs

Ohhhhhh

They’re having a real conversation

Hugs for you, Bods

I know I haven’t really made any threats this time around, I’m just too enamoured with the story, so you and your possessions are safe for now

Nicholas makes a good point. She could easily just be a raving lunatic, but Nathaniel is usually sharp enough to catch a liar

I love how eager Nicholas is to hear Nathaniel’s nickname, it’s really sweet. And then Nathaniel is very upset and grumpy about it asjdfjs

It feels weird for me to see Nicholas speculate about whether or not their family used nicknames, because for me nicknames are an inherent part of family. You love someone, that just means you don’t always call them by their full name. My family rarely calls me my real name

Ohoh! And Nathaniel feels guilty about something, and he can finally share that. Very interesting…

AND HE IS HEALTHILY PUTTING HIS EMOTIONS INTO CONTEXT??? IS THERE HOPE FOR THIS MAN AFTER ALL???? /s /silly

I just really like that he uses the word “deduce”. It’s a good word.

OHHHHHHHH

THEY’RE HAVING A SIBLING HEART-TO-HEART!!!!!

I have so many sibling feelings right now. I could almost see this conversation happening with me and my sib. (If one of us were trying to take over the world asjdjasdk)

I really really do love redemption stories. They are so good and I love how sometimes you can “defeat the villain” with the power of friendship. I’m always on Nicholas’ side in that matter

I’m so happy to see all the callbacks to TOS. It makes me ridiculously and inordinately happy to see things starting to come together

SQ TIME

I’m so happy

Nathaniel is really deep in the guilt and self-bame hole right now…

Nicholas is always so ready to accept literally anyone into his family whereas Nathaniel has to be dragged and is so scared. Aw man, just thinking so much about them

Nicholas awkwardly asking about Curtain’s non-divorce akjdsdkjha I love it

PEDALIAN MY BELOVED

I’m really happy that Nathaniel gets to talk about them to someone now. I think he needs it

“you haven’t adopted any of your children” Yeah, maybe, but they’re still his children

I am getting more and more worried about SQ, Bods. He better be okay when we see him again…

Nicholas is having such a hard time accepting that it’s okay the Glenns made mistakes and Nathaniel having a hard time accepting his own mistakes in regard to SQ. THE PARALLELS, BODS, THE PARALLELS

ASKJLFDLKHUDF

AND VIOLET!!!

VIOLET AND JOHN!!!!!! I REALLY CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW YOU HANDLE THEM. I REALLY LOVE THOSE CHARACTERS

I love how you connected them with the violets. Just masterful work.

I’m really curious what happened between Nicholas and the Hopefields/John. I have so many questions

YEAH. PEDALIAN IS STILL HAUNTING THE NARRATIVE AKFDHDSFJJK

I AM TOO EMOTIONS TO GIVE YOU NOTES FOR THE ENDING

IT’S JUST TOO MUCH

WHOOOO!!!!!!!!! That was amazing, as usual. My brain is exploding. So, so many things. Most of this was a “live reaction”, save for the last scene because I got too excited and read ahead without stopping for notes. I just want you to know that I am beyond ecstatic to learn more about what you have planned. I cannot wait. You are such a wonderfully talented human, and I adore your thoughts and ideas. Thank you so, so, so much for sharing them <3

[artisticgreaser0]

REGARDING WELCOME HOME NSFW!

Okay, I feel like this is need to be said. This is going to be a long ass rant about the NSFW and Antis side of the Welcome Home Fandom. I'm fed up with this shit.

People have been time to time,every single day, posting and venting on about Clown's boudaries like Clown is some lil kid that NEEDS to be taken care of. Some, even crying and spreading misinformation about how NSFW is going to ruin the fandom and make Clown take down the official WH website/project because artists have been breaking theirs rules, pity me. I'M SO TIRED AND DONE WITH ALL OF THAT BULLCRAP!

IT NEEDS TO BE ADRESSED, IN THIS WHOLE THING HOW THINGS HAD GONE BEHOND OUR CONTROL!

WE HAVE OUR ACCOUNTS,USERNAMES,PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS BEING SHOWN ON TIKTOK,TWITTER,TUMBLR PUBLICLY TO MINORS WHO LATER HARASS/REPORT/SUSPENDS US WHICH IS SOMETHING CLOWN DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN AT ALL! Why can't ya'll read the ''DON'T attack people on my behalf'' post Clown wrote? Don't you get what Clown is saying? He's saying (DO NOT ATTACK PEOPLE BECAUSE OF ME). if ya'll TRULY respect Clown's decicions HOW,JUST HOW IS THERE IS STILL HARASSMENT,DEATH THREATS AND TWITTER ACCOUNTS GETTING SUSPENDED???

And to use the ''oh but why do you expect us to respect you when you haven't respect Clown's boundaries?'' Like,thanks gee….I CLEARLY TRIED TO BE AN RESPONSIBLE ADULT BY NOT SPREADING IT MUCH FURTHER AND NOW MINORS ARE SEEING MINE AND MY FRIEND'S +18 ATWORKS ALL THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! How many times are ya'll gonna pretend like minors aren't stupid and horny to TRY to see our accounts and all the porn we do? Why are you even comfortable with the IDEA of a minor seeing a page full of pornographic content to begin with enough to EXPOSE our names and artworks to them!?

WHEN WE NEED TO BE THE ONES BLOCKING,PRIVATING,RECIEVING DEATH THREATS,HATE AND REFUSIE THE ANONIMOUS QUESTIONS maybe just MAYBE it's because we are human and FEEL!

The last time I had this talk with an anti the person was 22 FOLLOWING UP TO +15 MINORS from 15-17 years old, HOW CAN WE TRUST YOU FOR ANYTHING?

It'ld be PERFECTLY FINE if the people you words spreaded it to were just TO adults but NO, THE HASHTAG WE USED ISN'T NO LONGER A SECRET AND WHO HAS REVEALED IT? Antis. All of this and putting words into Clown's mouth and defending blindly everything for the sake of keeping the fandom pure! WE HAD AN SECRET HASTAG,NOW KIDS KNOW WHAT IT IS ALL THANKS TO Antis and VERY responsible adults! (sarcasm)

Guys,I'm nobody's fucking parents to be worried about what these kids watch on the internet and I'm EXTREMELLY TIRED OF HAVING TO BLOCK MINORS WHO FOLLOW ME(THIS SHIT HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE!). If you want to bring awareness,this isn't the way to do it! As much as I hate talking about it, Clown HAS NOT helped regarding this topic. It's either a yes or NO question. If people misunderstood more than once what you said maybe it's because the message isn't clear, it's like you are writing like the words are making a fucking swirl and at the end there's no solid conclusion to what you just said.I have seen all this bullshit everyone keeps pulling, to realise that

Clown ISN'T A KID! THEY ARE THEIR OWN PERSON, THEY ARE A MATURE ADULT WHO TAKES DECISIONS!

and ya'll still keep attacking,harassing,reporting all because you don't see Clown as who they are!

Heck, directly asking, SHOWING OUR ACCOUNTS NAMES WHAT WILL IT DO? quick answer: Nothing!

-Minors will see our artworks -Minors will more easily find our artworks -You are gonna upset Clown -Minors will find our hashtags faster -They will expose our names -Accounts will be suspended -More hate and ranting within the community -pedo accusations and mass reporting

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS THIS WHAT YOU ALL WANTED TO HAPPEN SO THEN WHEN SHIT GOES WRONG YOU CAN BLAME US FOR IT?

Like, just tell me because I'm fed up. I love these characters AS MUCH AS YOU ALL DO! Nobody,nobody is doing this shit because we hate nor want to upset Clown! we all equally LOVE this project, but, this is TOO MUCH! And no one my friends nor me want this stuff to keep happening! we all are uncomfortable with minors and kids seeing our stuff, we private and they still lie,still prentend to see our shit because(SUPRISE NO SUPRISE) MINORS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND IMMATURE, THEY WILL NOT JUST REPORT AND IGNORE LIKE MANY THINK THEY DO!

I don't care if you hate me now,I open this will make someone reflect on the shit they go around spreading. I'll keep all my shit private and so will my moots because we are all tired to fight to keep this fandom stable. Bye.

[commaclear]

I wanna talk about Wilbur’s family, mainly Phil. This is gonna be a bit incomprehensible bc I thi k I’m dying rn but I have to talk abt this

For starters, Phil has proven that he adopts kids that are gonna turn into the next top tier god. And I cannot imagine how fucking awful Wilbur feels because he didn’t turn out as good. Especially since Tommy was adopted and Phil now has a kid who he can talk code and all that with. Wilbur probably feels pretty exvluded from his family because everyone’s successful but him.

Imagine how fuckjng shitty it feels to be the emotional one who never got anywhere in life when all your family members have bright futures ahead of them. He probably thinks he’s weighting them down. That probably ain’t helping that whole fuckjng suicidal thing he’s got going on.

Also I wanna mention how Phil is such a dick for making Tommy get involved with the situation while also not allowing Tommy to know why. It’s one thing to drag your kid into a situafoin but a whole other thing to belittle him in the process. He cares about Wilbur and if something is going on he deserves to know just a little bit. They don’t have to outright tell Tommy his older brother figure is suicidal but Phil could’ve at least said something like “Wilbur needs help right now, a little more than before”.

Tommy isn’t a baby. He knows something is wrong. He knows this isn’t a normal thing and everyone is acting weird. and isn’t he literally a foster kid? Tommy probably associates some shit with the adults telling him to fuck off while they discuss things he should be involved in and Wilbur does too.

I know no one knows what to do when they find out someone they care about is suicidal. It’s hard to process and you aren’t thinking straight when you hear it. But I feel like sticking Wilbur with Tommy and saying “don’t ask questions” made Tommy feel excluded and unimportant and it probably made Wilbur feel rather isolated and out of place.

I’ve been there. Having your family in the other room arguing over what to do with you because you can’t be left alone fuckjng sucks. And I’m sure it doesn’t suck any less for Wilbur. He just has to sit there, debating what to do with him as if he’s nothing but a problem that other people have to put up with. He already feels like a burden does he not.

How hard would it have been to maybe include Wilbur in the conversation? Or maybe save the arguing for later.

Also looking back I saw a part where Tommy talks about how he was already relly testing Phil’s patiecen. So it’s pretty clear he’s got some trauma based on that. So good fuckinf job Phil for making Tommy feel like he’s got to worry about messing up right now because you failed to tell him he did nothing wrong.

Ugh Phil. Damn Phil. Phil. Stupid.

-the auackity analysis ankn

Wilbur’s might quit his mediocre office job that he hates, Tommy is building a super advanced robot for an international robotics competition, and Techno just got back from a very successful book tour.... I see no future problems for Wilbur’s self esteem here, no sir everything is a-okay in the Minecraft household

And why would Wilbur feel like a burden? What about this situation would make him feel like an unwanted problem people have to deal with? Once again I see no problems here

Ahaha....

On a less sarcastic note, there is something to be said for not putting the burden of "make sure your brother doesn't kill himself" on a thirteen year old kid, that's the sort of thing that Tommy would spend weeks talking about in therapy as an adult

Admittedly Phil didn’t take the Best approach, but when has he ever?

[a-method-in-it]

If anyone wants to read the opinion, the ACLU has a link here.

And one thing I would like to draw your attention to: How often the judge cites the plaintiff's experts.

There is this tendency online to roll your eyes whenever someone publishes a study that says something like "Community Acceptance Reduces Suicidality in Trans and Gender Non Conforming Children" or "Five Year Regret Rate Among Adults Who Undergo Gender Affirming Care Below That of Other Routine Health Procedures."

People get all "Geeeeee, you mean bEiNg nIcE tO tRaNs KiDs Is GoOd FoR tHeM?????" or "Trans adults have been telling you that but sure you needed a study okay"

And like. Yes. Yes you do need a study. This is why you need a study.

Because even if you ignore the anti-intellectualism inherent in the premise there --- this idea that it isn't worth examining our assumptions to see if we can learn anything unexpected that deepens our understanding --- you need studies because studies will hold up in court.

When the government of a state like Arkansas or Florida goes before a judge and says "We think these treatments are harmful to minors" and a bunch of normal people go before a judge and say "We think these treatments are good for minors" do you know who the judge will listen to?

Well, thanks to this case you have your answer: the judge will listen to the people who bring experts who can pull out those studies you all keep making fun of.

If you read this decision, Judge Moody cites the plaintiff's experts extensively. He basically used their testimony to write his entire findings of fact, including right from the very beginning by using their definitions of gender and gender identity.

Meanwhile, the state's experts were:

A sociologist who has no training in medicine and provided no evidence for his claim that all major medical associations are wrong about how to treat trans people

A plastic surgeon who has never provided gender affirming care and who was recruited by the Alliance Defending Freedom

A pediatrician also recruited by the ADF who said there was no evidence that gender affirming care is good for minors, which the court rejected because of all the scientific evidence presented that gender affirming care is good for minors

And my personal favorite:

A licensed physician who has treated patients with gender dysphoria and doesn't even support this law he just has some concerns about how other doctors treat trans patients, none of which he had evidence for

But anyway, going back to that part about evidence. They got a pediatrician, recruited by a bunch of right wing lunatics, to say that there's no evidence to support gender affirming care as a good thing for minors and that the studies that were conducted were low quality.

The judge rejected this entirely.

From the opinion (emphasis mine):

Dr. Hruz suggested that the Court should disregard the body of research showing benefits of gender-affirming medical care for adolescents because it is low-quality research, and the studies have methodological limitations such as lack of a control group or cross-sectional design. The Court declines to do that. The Court finds that the quality of the evidence supporting gender-affirming medical interventions for adolescents with gender dysphoria is comparable to the quality of evidence supporting many other medical treatments minors and their families may pursue. And while the Court recognizes that the studies on gender-affirming medical care for adolescents, like studies in all areas of medical research, have strengths and weaknesses, it does not credit Dr. Hruz’s assessment that the entire body of research is, therefore, meaningless. The body of research, taken as a whole, shows these treatments provide significant benefits to adolescents with gender dysphoria.

This is not the first time that scientific evidence has clinched a court case over trans rights. It has been the deciding factor in a number of cases involving trans-inclusive policies at schools for things like bathroom access and participation in sports. And it is only going to get more and more important as laws like this keep getting passed.

So the next time you hear someone get snarky about "Why do they need to study that, isn't it---" THIS IS WHY. Tell that person this is why.

Having research is good. Having studies is good. The people who do these studies aren't doing research because they don't believe trans people. And even if they did, you should still want them to do the research as long as it's high-quality research because research is also what we call "evidence" which is a thing you need when you go to court.

Wanna give a quick shoutout to the federal judge last week who struck down the Arkansas law that tried to outlaw gender-affirming care for minors, not only ruling it unconstitutional, but including 311 statements of fact all going against the gender-affirming care ban in a ruling that was 80 pages long. Especially since these statements make it harder for transphobes to appeal and iirc this is considered precedent.

[cruelconrad]

Come in With the Rain

Conrad Fisher x reader

Warnings: swearing, fluff, drugs, social anxiety

Summary: when the reader goes to a dress fitting with Conrad it starts to rain. They decide to wait the rain out in the car, where it gets a little more cozy than necessary.

Your moms were high again. They definitely smoked a lot more pod this summer in comparison to the summers before. They were cry-laughing because someone famous said something funny on the internet. Or some shit like that. You were kind of angry at them right now, because they were supposed to take you into town and pick up your debutante ball dress. Going to that store always made you nervous of what others might think of you. However, when you are with the moms, that feeling otherwise known as social anxiety, isn't as bad. But obviously, with the state they are in right now, you couldn't possibly ask them to do that with you. You sighed when Conrad came in.

"Look at them," you whisper, "how am I going to get to town when they're in this state?"

He laughs: "They're kind off adorable when they're like this."

"Yes, but what about us?"

"God, it's not that big of a deal. I'll take you to the dress store or whatever the fuck is so importent in town."

You could tell that he was getting annoyed with you. To be honest, you were annoyed with yourself too. He was right: it wasn't a big deal. Your moms were having fun and you could handle this dress thing easily by yourself. This whole debutante ball is about being an adult, so this was the time to prove it. You just have to be brave and not care about what others might think.

You pulled yourself together: "Actually you're right. If you could drive me? That would be great."

So there you were. In the car. With Conrad. Who had been giving you the cold shoulder since you arrived this summer. But for some reason, got out of his way, to drive you to do something that he thought was for sheep.

“Are you nervous voor the ball?" he asked.

“A little. Not that I have no faith in Jere, but i keep wondering if he is the right partner for me. It feels like sometimes he doesn't take this as serious as I do."

Conrad shrugs: “Maybe your feeling is right, and that's a good thing, because then you can prepare for it, and expect less from him."

“But i don't want to lower my expectations, Connie. This is a once in a lifetime experience. It's kind off a big deal to me. It has to go perfect."

You can feel his eyes looking at you while you drive. He probably thinks you're being dramatic. You feel your cheeks getting red as his eyes are on you. Quickly you change the subject to break the tension: “Can you please come and give me advice on the dress when we arrive? I need to know if it's looking all good and clean without wrinkles."

“Sure." He says, now looking at the road again. 

When you get closer to the store your braveness startes to fade and your anxiety starts to kick in. Conrad seems to notice and he puts his hand on your leg to reassure you everything is going to be okay, but you just think that this makes the situation even more embarrassing. It's just a fitting after all. When you arrive you try on the white dress one last time before the debutante ball. You peek through the fitting room curtain to see what Conrad is doing. He is sitting in a chair looking around the room. Then he sees you. He smiles and you smile back. 

"Can you zip me up?"

He looks surprised. He stands up and walks toward the fitting room. You open the curtain for him, turn around and look in the mirror. He is looking at your naked back, slowly pulling up the zipper. You can feel his hands on your back and his warm breath in your neck. His hair in front of his eyes. You hold your breath, not wanting to make a sound. Wanting, for this moment, to last forever.

"There you go." He runs his hand through is hair and looks up at you through the mirror. 

"Thank you."

He takes a step back and lets you come out of the fitting room. You can see his eyes take in every curve, every detail of you in this dress. Your cheeks flush red again. 

"Well, what do you think?" You spin around.

"It's beautiful. You look beautiful."

You smile. "I'm glad."

You thanked the ladies behind the counter again for keeping the dress in it's nice state. When you and Conrad got outside it was pouring rain. Without saying anything Conrad took off his jacket and held it above your heads like a gentleman. You counted to three before you started running to the car, grateful that the dress was in a protective cover. Once you got to the car you put the dress in the back and closed the car door, breathing heavily from all the running while also soaking wet.

"Fuck, the weather is crazy." says Conrad. His hair was dripping water and his white shirt was stuck to his body.

"Can you even drive in this weather? I can't even see the front of the car." You shiver.

"Are you cold?" He gets up and gets something from the back seat: "Here, I think have a spare blanket in the car for emergency's." He hands over the blanket and puts it around your shoulders.

"Thank you. I remember this blanket actually, you used to give it to me when I was cold at the beach."

"That's right, I remember again. I hate to see you being uncomfortable from the cold. Even back then."

"That's sweet."

Shit shit shit. You made it awkward again. You looked down at your lap, trying your best to find a new topic of conversation. But the more you tried, the more harder and harder it got. However, the silence started growing on you. The rain on the car roof was actually really peaceful. It felt intimate and cozy.

Conrad was the first to break the silence: "It looks like we're going to be here for a while because the rain hasn't slowed down yet."

What were you supposed to say to this?

"I have an idea, hold on a sec." he continued. He climbed to the back seat and folded the seat back down. Now there was a big open space. A bed almost.

"Come on. We can lay here. It's a bit more comfortable than in the front, plus i'm cold too so I want a piece of that blanket." He has an inviting smile on his face. Therefore, you also climb to the back seat. Laying down you put half the blanket around him. The blanket wasn't meant for two people so you lay against him on his chest. Hearing his heartbeat, feeling his breathing, laying in his arms. Your cold hair was in his neck and together you listened to the rain pouring down. It started to get dark which made it even more cinematic. If your mom would wake you up the next morning and told you it was all a dream, you would've believed her.

As you were laying there, you were starting to regret your decision to ask Jeremiah to the debutante ball. Because, you knew, in that moment, that you could always rely on Conrad. He knew you better than your own brother. He was your sun, and when the sun comes out, the stars disappear.

"Won't people miss us if we don't get home in time?"

"Shh, let's for once not think about what other people may think." he said. And with this in mind, you fell asleep.

Check out my latest story:

[chaomother]

So um can i have Shadow x Reader x Rouge? It feels so awkward just writing this but whatever!

thank you for still sending in the req even though you felt awkward (nothing to be awkward or embarrassed about, ur brain is HUGE)!! i hope you enjoy, this was fun!!

「shadow x gn!reader x rouge」

cw: arranged marriage

Fingers toying with the pendent around your neck, you leaned forward against the railing of your balcony and felt your heart ache. The glittering stars suspended in the black night were your only source of comfort on this lonesome, miserable night; your father having grounded you to your room as if you weren’t an adult.

All because you were ‘acting like an insolent child’ to your soon-to-be husband. You didn’t have any say in this arranged marriage, so of course you’d have no interest in being cordial. “How I wish someone could save me…” you sighed, the dejected tones of your voice being carried away with the cold breeze.

“Well, we wouldn’t mind doing that~” a feminine, velvety voice chimed from above you—and you peered up to the rooftop where Rouge was fluttering down from, her sylphlike form landing perfectly in front of you. “I’ll need a small payment, though♡”

“Huh? Rouge?” you gasped incredulously, unable to register that she appeared right before you like this. “What are you doing here?”

Rouge chortled, winking, “Didn’t I just tell you? We’re here to save you~”

Bringing your gaze up again, you discerned Shadow’s onyx quills undulating in the wind before he uncrossed his arms and jumped down beside you and Rouge. “Rouge insisted we make it look like a heist,” Shadow exhaled, “We have Omega waiting, too. If you want to leave your stupid birthright, come with us.”

They were both willing to kidnap you?! Er, save. 

“Are you sure…? My family will probably think you abducted me and try to hurt you,” you rambled, finding yourself ensnaring yourself in a quandary of your own doing. Of course you didn’t want to get married to a stranger, but if it meant these two wouldn’t get needlessly hurt…

Rouge’s finger traced along the curve of your cheek, her lashes flitting over radiantly confident eyes; and boy did she ever just enjoy the blush forming on your cheeks! “You think we didn’t consider it? That’s a risk we’ve agreed to take,” she clarified, simpering when Shadow nodded in affirmation.

You gulped down your remaining trepidation, deciding you’d no longer vacillate between ‘honoring’ your family or taking hold of your own dreams. Hastily, you went to unbuckle your pendent, exclaiming, “Yes, please! Take me away! Here, Rouge, you can have thi—”

Her gloved hands reached out and cupped your face before you could finish, and you felt her voluptuous lips brush against your forehead. A diminutive squeak escaped your throat from the abrupt contact, your heart palpitating.

“This is all the payment I need. You can show me where your family’s treasure vault is later, okay?♪” Gosh, you made the cutest expressions!

Shadow promptly extended his hand out to you, wordlessly gesturing for you to take it; to grasp the destiny you want. As your hand slipped into his, he instantaneously scooped you up into his arms.

“Let’s go,” he ordered, eyes deliberately making contact with Rouge’s as she nodded—and the three of you jumped off the balcony, vanishing into the night with the stars as your guide.

[opalthea]

It's funny how minors try to defend and justify themselves when they're just the same as @/bfajax if not even worse. I can't believe I have to add on to my post as if I needed to prove anything about your behaviours as MINORS.

First of all, trauma or not, you're not ALLOWED to be in MDNI SPACES. That means you're NOT ALLOWED to write smut, join other minors that interact with nsfw, and ""care about writers or artists' boundaries regarding minors writing nsfw"". You don't care. You can stop pretending, because your action of literally going into nsfw content already proves that you just don't care. Trauma or no trauma, it's not an excuse for you to be up online and posting SEXUAL CONTENT as a minor. Shame on you.

Second of all, I'll be providing screenshots for each and every point I brought up in my original post.

Regarding Ari:

- Interacting with NSFW content.

Literally the most recent reblog. Just yesterday. And this shit didn't just start yesterday too, it's been going on for a WHILE.

If you recognise the user I censored, they're not involved in this in any way. What happened was that Ari lied about their age around this time and interacted with ADULTS about NSFW. (If you need the full screenshots, I'll provide them.)

- Flirting/Making inappropriate remarks.

Can't stress how many times this has happened right in front of me and a whole group of people. An instance is as such, where they openly admitted to wanting to pull for their (now ex) partner's older brother, who was legal of age.

This was not the first time, and wouldn't be the last, because this was literally what follows next.. somehow. After they were told that the conversation was taking a weird turn.

- Hypersexual stuff.

You can see it for yourself on their blog 😭. Again, reiterating my original post, hypersexuality is NOT AN EXCUSE for a MINOR to post SEXUAL content. If you don't care about predators coming after your ass, then whatever. But I care about my mutuals first and foremost and it's disgusting that you tried to lie about your age just so you can interact with sexual content with other minors and adults.

Regarding Luma:

- Gatekeeping or being possessive over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS in a GENSHIN REVOLVING SERVER / COMMUNITY.

Okay. I genuinely can't believe I have to provide screenshots for this. Like you think it's okay if you don't explicitly say you don't gatekeep? Okay.

What is this ? Explain ?? 'Cause both of these screenshots take place RIGHT AFTER a conversation about XIAO opens up, whereby many people in said dominantly GENSHIN server fawned over A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Not even a week or a month, THE SECOND a conversation about loving Xiao pops up, your vents threaten other users. Your vents guilttrip others into NOT talking or discussing about the FICTIONAL character, and you literally threatened suicide in that same server should it happen again. How are you calling this normal.

THIS IS NOT THE ONLY TIMES THESE SPECIFIC OCCURANCES HAVE HAPPENED.

- NSFW interactions.

They used to do it on main, but now moved to @/xiaoxo . Claiming that it's their right to have an NSFW space because of trauma, but trauma excuses nothing. IT IS A REASON, NOT FOR YOU TO BE A DANGER TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

"if you don't like minors interacting with nsfw-" NO. YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. You cannot tell me that you respect creators who don't interact with minors that write smut when you yourself are a minor that writes smut and actively BREACH into a place YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN. NSFW IN GENERAL is not a place for you to be in. I do not want to see you in adult tags, I do not want to see you with my adult friends, and I DEFINITELY do not want to see you interacting with other minors ABOUT IT, nor do I want you to be near MY MUTUALS WHO ARE MINORS.

Anyway more screenshots of them with other minors. Pretty sure some are adults but honestly I don't want to scroll through their blog anymore.

- Drug and smoking abuse/addiction.

Dunno if they're real, but this was when they were 16, and I don't think it was something that they could just say without meaning to. Usage of certain words from a minor should've been a red flag already.

All in all, regardless of this post, all I want is for people to block me if you still want to stay in contact with both of these users OR their associates. I'm sick of minors sticking their horny asses where it doesn't belong; there is a reason you can't access NSFW sites, or create Paypal accounts and other payment methods. What makes you think you can use your "trauma" as an excuse to post written porn around other minors, and share spaces with adults in the ADULT/NSFW TAGS?

If you're going to take my words at face value again, then don't bother trying to defend your rights as a "minor". Yeah. You're allowed to feel horny, whatever you wanna say, but you can't deny you're a freak for the things you've done. It's hypocritical to unmutual @/bfajax when you yourself aren't any different; is it 'cause he had a public discourse that you suddenly feel ashamed to be connected with him? You do the same things that he did anyway.

ok.

i am not one to start shit up, but like, if you're mutuals or friends with user @/n3r0-1417, or Ari, you can unfollow me and block me. i am not about to sit here and tolerate anyone who continues to defend and excuse their behaviour. they are a MINOR that interacts with NSFW and adult spaces, and flirts with adults knowingly, with the excuse of being "hypersexual".

adding onto that, if you are in association with @/kurolumiis, or Luma, you can also unfollow me and block me. i am sick and tired of finding out from other people about their entitled self and how they think they're entitled to gatekeep a character in a GENSHIN COMMUNITY/SERVER that they chose to join. i am also SICK from the amount of shamelessness from these two, just boldly saying they interact and write smut on the daily, and seeing my own mutuals or people i know just ignoring this problem when all these people that I KNOW literally cut off ties with user @/bfajax the second he did whatever shit he did.

hypersexuality is also known as sexual addiction. in other words, you can compare it to other bad habits and addictions, like alcohol addiction and drug addiction. it ruins your physical, mental and psychological health, and destroys your relationships with the people around you, regardless if they're family or friends. it's not an EXCUSE for a MINOR to be posting SEXUAL CONTENT on the internet. it does not make it okay for a MINOR to interact with adult spaces regardless if they really have the illness or not.

final reminder. if you are mutuals with either users and you're following / mutuals with me, i will soft block or hard block you. i don't give a fuck who you are anymore, i am not going to sit here and share spaces with the likes of them, and neither should you.

[slapshotsandscones]

Okay, but Jack and Shitty in a queer platonic relationship.

After he finishes law school, Shitty gets a job offer in Providence, on a legal team fighting to free wrongfully convicted people from jail. And it's basically all he's wanted to do with his life, and Providence isn't all that far from Haus 2.0, so he accepts it. Jack, of course, offers to let him move in, because he and Bitty have a spare room, and they'd do pretty much anything for Shitty.

And Jack and Shitty quickly realize how much they've missed living together. Shitty's nakedness can be annoying at times, (like that one time Tater came over for a surprise visit. They don't talk about that.) But nobody gives better cuddles. And Jack loves Bitty very much, but well, he's not the biggest person, and having Shitty's whole body weight pressed against him? It's so nice, and wonderfully grounding.

And when Jack came out, he came out as bi. But he's always wondered if it were really the right label for him. It's okay, but it's not quite right. Because yeah, Jack's been attracted to both men and women before, but not often. Except for very rarely, the idea of romantic relationships hasn't felt right to him.

So he talks to Shitty about this, and Shitty pulls out his Sexuality and Gender Studies knowledge from that one course he took back at Samwell. And he tells Jack to look up the aromantic spectrum. And at first Jack is very doubtful, because he's in a romantic relationship, and he's very happy, how could he not experience romantic attraction? Then he finds the label "grayromantic", and suddenly everything clicks.

At some point in his research, Jack comes across the term "queerplatonic", and resolves himself to ask Shitty about it. Shitty's response isn't exactly what Jack was expecting, going something like. "Oh, yeah, me and Lardo are in a queerplatonic relationship, actually. Because, you know, I'm ace and they're aro?"

Jack had not, actually, known that, but he gives Shitty a hug and puts a reminder in his phone to send Lardo a "fuck heteronormativity" card on valentines day. And then he starts thinking. Because what he and Shitty have is great, but it's not what most people would consider platonic - naked cuddling with your bro is a bit hard to explain with a "no homo". And Jack certainly doesn't want a romantic relationship with Shitty, but well, he thinks their relationship is pretty queerplatonic already if he's willing to be honest with himself.

Jack talks it over with Bitty, who is not at all surprised. Bitty actually laughs, telling Jack that he'd actually done some research on polyamory before Shitty moved in, because he was pretty sure he and Jack were more than just friends. He gives Jack his blessing to pursue Shitty however he sees fit, as long as Jack keeps him updated. Jack calls Lardo, who tells him the same thing. (Or, more accurately, "You two weren't dating? Huh. Well, I trust that you're adults who can handle yourselves, but don't hurt him.")

So, Jack realizes, this is actually happening. When they talked about QPRs ("queerplatonic is so long, brah"), Shitty had said that they meant different things to different people. They have boundaries like every relationship. Some include inherently romantic things, like kissing, and others don't. All that means that Jack needs to figure out what exactly he wants out of the relationship before he talks to Shitty. Then they can and will talk it over together, but, well, Jack wants to know where he stands first, to make sure he doesn't miss anything.

And so he makes a list. Cuddling, obviously, and generally touching each other a lot is a must, since they already do that. Jack also thinks he'd like to try kissing Shitty - nothing romantic about it, but he's always like the feeling of kissing, especially people he trusts. He figures Shitty might like it too, come to think of it. He's always trying to get people to french him (with consent, of course). Sex is definitely a no; Shitty's ace, and Jack doesn't think he wants to do anything with anyone but Bitty. (He wonders if there's something like grayromantic for asexual. Gray ace maybe? He'll have to look it up later.)

Jack, of course, ends up asking Shitty in the most Jack way ever. He starts talking about relationship boundaries, and it's only when he pauses to look at Shitty that he realizes that he never actually asked Shitty to be in a QPR. So he does, very embarrassed. And Shitty, of course, responds in a very Shitty way as well, saying "Jack Laurent Zimmerman, you absolute bueat, obviously I want to french your gorgeous goddamn mouth. Yes, absolutely yes. But first, let me call Lardo. Consent and all that good stuff."

Then Shitty and Lardo talk. And Shitty and Lardo and Jack talk. And then Shitty and Lardo and Jack and Bitty talk, because they're all grown adults and communication is important, and all the other stuff Jack knows is true. But really, if he has trouble paying attention he can't be judged too harshly, because he's been promised kisses, goddamnit.

And so Jack and Shitty become QPRs, and nothing much changes, except that they kiss, and Shitty is a bit less likely to be wearing clothes around the apartment. And if Shitty and Bitty start to cuddle while Jack is on roadies, well, that's for them to figure out. Jack and Shitty have always touched a lot, but now it's almost more, somehow. Shitty's Jack's weighted blanket when the world's a little too loud. When there's a court case that hits just a bit too close to home, Jack runs his fingers through Shitty's hair and whispers sweet nothings in his ear. It's nothing they wouldn't have done before, but it feels like more now. Lardo comes and visits as often as they can, and they teach Jack how to braid Shitty's hair just the way he likes, so that Jack can do it for him on important court dates.

They get a bit older, and Jack gets a no trade clause, and they buy a house. Lardo comes to visit as a surprise for Shitty, with an even bigger surprise; Jack and Bitty helped them find a job in Providence. They're moving in. Shitty is obviously overjoyed. The four of them grow old together there, spitting in the face of the "nuclear family" as their relationships - romantic, platonic, and queerplatonic - continue to grow. Maybe one day they adopt children, who grow up with four awesome parents and too many aunts and uncles to count, or maybe they don't. But either way, all four of them are very happy with the little family they built for themselves.

[m-jelly]

Hi Jelly! First of all, I want to tell you that you're an amazing writer.

Today something really bad happened to me, I was betrayed by my own family because they didn't told me something really important that is affecting our lives permanently (in a bad way). They don't trust me and I feel really hurt at this moment that I feel I don't trust them anymore. I was already very stressed because of school, and now I feel truly drained, I even tried to start writing yesterday, but now I really can't.

I'm not the type to ask for request, but I really need comfort and I would like to request a fic of Levi comforting reader in a similar difficult situation, just pure fluff and he being supportive.

I know you have a lot of request at this moment, so please take your time with this. I'm very sorry I came to you with such a long and pity ask, but it's just that I feel very alone in this world, and it would be nice to have Levi's comfort, even if is only through a story. And also sorry for my bad English.

Sending you all the love and good vibes I can at this moment, and thank you very much in advance.

🤍

So, I saw this and I see it as an emergency ask and I need to acknowledge this. First off, this isn't a pity ask at all. You needed comfort and you reached out. I'm always here for those who need a shoulder to cry on and have support. Second, your English is wonderful. Third, I'm so sorry about your family. Sometimes they don't tell us the truth because they want to protect us. Parents withhold things from their kids because they believed they're doing the right thing and protecting their children. A lot of parents don't realise that their kids grow up and they can handle adult issues. They will always see us as their precious children. You should talk to them about this situation, find out why and if they don't want to share why, then leave it with them and focus on you and what you love and your work. You've got this. <3 Levi will put it in a better way below.

You are loved.

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Genre and tags: romance, love, couple, comfort, emotional comfort, supportive Levi, cuteness, Modern AU

Concept: After you discover your parents hid something from you about something big happening in the family for the worse, you feel a little betrayed that you weren't kept informed and found out by accident. Overwhelmed by your family and your university studies, your boyfriend provides you with words of wisdom, comfort and love.

Levi looked over from the sofa at you walking in through the front door. "Welcome home, sweetheart." He frowned when you threw your bag, and your phone. "Well, someone's in a bratty mood."

You walked forwards, then started welling up. "Levi."

He launched off the sofa and ran to you. "Who hurt you!? Who the hurt dared to hurt my sweet and precious brat?"

You clung to Levi. "I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for many years."

Levi hummed at your words. "Well, I wouldn't like that. If you're in a hole the whole time sleeping, then I won't be able to talk to you, cuddle you or kiss you. I'd be very sad."

You huffed and knew he was right. "You're right. It's just, I'm having such bad luck."

"What's been going on?"

You pulled back and opened your heart to him. You told him about your family, how something bad is happening to them and it was going to change things for good in a bad way. You started struggling to breathe as you cried. You told him about how stressed you were with your university work and you were just so tired.

Levi let out a long sigh. "Okay, let's tackle this one at a time, okay?"

You nodded as your rubbed your tears. "Okay."

He guided you to the sofa. "First, you need tea and a blanket." He sat you down, then draped a blanket around you. He made you a cup of tea to soothe you. He sat sideways on the sofa and gazed at you. "Okay. Let's go through this. University first, alright?"

You sniffed. "Okay."

He wiped a tear away. "Split up your workload. We'll work together and set a goal for each day. It'll be small things, then we'll slowly build up when you feel more confident and happy. Eventually, you'll be back to powering out work like a beast." He played with your hair. "Just remember sweetheart, it's okay to feel this way, it's okay to get tired, it's okay to get upset and it's okay to want to take a break."

You smiled at him. "That's...I like that."

"And guess what? Every hour you work hard or take a break for your mental health, you get a reward from me to give you a boost and to keep you going."

You stared at Levi. "What kind of reward?"

He leaned closer and kissed you. "A kiss." He smiled. "A smile and." He whispered in your ear. "I love you and I'm so proud of you."

You blushed. "I feel motivated."

"Great." He let out a long sigh. "Now for the tough part, your family."

You shuffled closer to him. "Yeah."

He held you against him. "It's a difficult one. Being an adult is hard and being a parent is even harder. When we start a family, we'll face difficult choices and we won't always get it right. Parents pick options that they think is the best. They have the best intentions at heart and want to protect their children at all costs. We as kids might not fully understand their choices, but it's theirs to make."

"I just wished they trusted me."

He kissed the top of your head. "They do. Them not telling you doesn't mean they don't, they simply didn't tell anything to you because it wasn't your choice to make and it wasn't your burden to take on. They know you have a lot going on with university and you have your own life, your own little family with me. I know it's hard to understand sometimes, but they really thought they were doing the best and acted with you at heart and with love." He hummed. "How can I put this. Well, my mother never told me she was sick and instead of using the money for medicine to save her, she used it to feed me and keep me alive. When I first found out, I was angry and felt betrayed, but as an adult now wanting kids, I understand." He sighed. "Even though it's a horrible choice and doomed her and left me without a mother, it was the better choice in her heart and mind because I would have died if she chose the other option."

You frowned a little in thought. "You're making a lot of sense."

"Don't take it as an offence, okay? Unless your family actually says we didn't tell you because we don't trust you, then fuck 'em. If they don't say that, then don't assume it's true." He kissed your forehead. "I know humans naturally assume the worst, but it might not be in this situation, okay?"

You nodded and sighed. "Yeah."

He took your cup from you and put it on the table, then he pulled you into his arms and to sit between his legs. "Leave this problem with your parents for now. If and when they need you, they'll come to you. Just let them know you're here for them whenever they need you. I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you told them that. It might not be right away, or in a few days, but they will come to you and seek that comfort and olive branch."

You smiled and kissed his cheek. "You're so smart."

"I'm just old and wise."

You giggled and hugged him. "You're not old."

He hummed and rubbed his hand up and down your back. "Thanks. Anyway, remember that you are loved, okay? You are loved. You are valued. You are appreciated. You are cared about. You are adored. You are valued. Most importantly, I am fucking proud of you." He cupped your face and kissed you. "So proud. I love you so much sweetheart, I really do. You've got this. You're incredible and I'm honoured to call you mine."

You wrapped your arms around Levi's neck. "I love you, Levi. I really do love you."

He rubbed your back. "I love you always."

[keshetchai]

I wonder if my point here has been misunderstood somehow. I also think that like...the specific ways in which you phrased this response kinda explains why I said what I did. Personally I think there are antisemitic ways to criticize Israel AND a lot of non-antisemitic ways to do so, because all nations can and should be criticized fairly.

none of them work with...

Okay, and? This is just a sort of frustrating non-explanation to your objection. You're making a rhetorical appeal here (authority, I suppose) but not every organization tackling xyz works with every other organization doing the same. That is not a compelling indictment on its own, you know that, right?

You're not even saying "they intentionally and purposefully refuse to work with for reasons..." just that they don't.

And like I said, even IF any given org is something you disagree with politically or ideologically, reading through this stuff gives people a broader sense of how Jews think about, experience, and define what antisemitism is or isn't. There's no monolithic, perfect answer.

Clicking on the JDA Adult Ed toolkit also didn't give me the impression you're trying to lead with at all. It's asking me to read something, critically think about it, ask questions, consider the limits and flaws of a working definition, etc. I haven't finished reading all of it, but it basically just seems like a critical thinking reading guide to prompt further exploration on a topic.

That's...we should want people to analyze and unpack social/ideological definitions for better understanding, generally speaking? I don't see how it hinders legitimate conversation.

And their own definition at the VERY beginning is quite clear:

.... We do not all share the same political views and we are not seeking to promote a partisan political agenda. Determining that a controversial view or action is not antisemitic implies neither that we endorse it nor that we do not.

The guidelines that focus on Israel-Palestine (numbers 6 to 15) should be taken together. In general, when applying the guidelines each should be read in the light of the others and always with a view to context. Context can include the intention behind an utterance, or a pattern of speech over time, or even the identity of the speaker, especially when the subject is Israel or Zionism. So, for example, hostility to Israel could be an expression o f an antisemitic animus, or it could be a reaction to a human rights violation, or it could be the emotion that a Palestinian person feels on account of their experience at the hands of the State. In short, judgement and sensitivity are needed in applying these guidelines to concrete situations.

It's weird that you think this "ignores antisemitism from the left" because as I'm reading through I can see a concentrated effort to identify antisemitism regardless of political background or belief, call it out, and separate it from things that aren't antisemitic but are political statements or criticisms which people may or may not agree with.

...Also it's wild that you think the majority of antisemitism we see today is directly related to antizionism. I'll grant that antisemitism tends to spike in relationship to the state of Israel's involvement in the conflict, but I'm not sure that i buy that the MAJORITY of antisemitism comes from antizionism.

Frankly I think any American Jew would be skeptical of this claim, because we're all well aware that there are millions of right wing Christians who are Zionists (in that they fervently support the state of Israel and the Jewish right of return) and simultaneously are also exceptionally antisemitic in a variety of different ways. I grew up around a lot of conservative/fundie Christians in a conservative state, and I gotta tell you that a lot of gentile Zionists hate Jews, even if they claim they love us.

Yes, Israeli atrocities get used to justify antisemitism often, and the people criticizing those atrocities are often anti-zionist, but this is just one motivating factor among many and i'm not sure I believe it's the Leading Cause or something.

Hey Jewish Tumblr,

Do you have any good books I can read to better understand antisemitism and the Jewish experience in modern day?

Before you say to Google, I'm not knowledgeable on researching nonfiction enough to know what's a good resource and what's not, and I'd rather ask real, living Jews than blindly trust Google. I'm afraid if I just Google it, I'll accidentally get something that's actually antisemitic and I don't want to give am antisemite my money. I'd rather give a Jewish scholar/author my money.

Anything from a scholarly book, to memoirs. Anything that you think is a good resource to explain antisemitism to someone who's never experienced it first hand.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I hope you have a wonderful day 💜

[meltwonu]

| 🎃 𝕸𝖔𝖓𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖍 🎃 |

↪ ✦ spells ✦

this chapter pairing; wizard!hoshi x reader

genre&warnings; wizard!hoshi, softdom!hoshi, oral(fem receiving), virgin!reader, fingering, good ‘ol lighthearted fucking😩, squirting.

notes; lets be real hoshi with magical abilities would be chaos kjdfhkdf🥴 also I know, I know, I wish I could hyperlink the previous chapters into each post but tumb1r rly seems to fuckin hate my account and hides my posts from tags for no reason as it is and RLY hates it when I start hyperlinking posts with the same links so I'll just try to keep my series masterlist updated from here on out!! you can also find my monster mash fics with the hashtag monstermash!svt on my blog!🎃💕 Thank you as always for your continued interest and see you tomorrow~! 👻 

word count; ~2800

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x

boy you put your spell on me, there’s something about you;

‘cause even in the sleepless nights, i’m thinkin’ about you.

well i think it’s magic with you,

oh i think it’s magic.

yeah i think it’s magic with you.

You’ve known Soonyoung since the two of you were kids.

He played with you in the lavender fields and kept you company on rainy nights when the thunder scared you out of your wits.

Soonyoung lived in a cottage on the outskirts of the town now that the two of you were adults and he preferred to keep to himself; all things considered.

The townspeople weren’t really too fond of Soonyoung’s kind -- rumours of the magical beings causing havoc and destruction more prevalent than anything else. 

And for that reason alone, you most often offered to help Soonyoung gather necessities from the town and in trade, he would let you hang around his cottage while he would work on restoring old spell books. He almost never actually cast any spells or showed you anything he could do with his magic, but you were patient and understanding of his uncommon situation. 

And not only do you know Soonyoung, but you liked Soonyoung.

Even though he seemed quite oblivious to the fact.

You shake your head in thought, picking out a few more apples and adding them to your basket before you start the long walk towards Soonyoung’s cottage.

You soon see the smoke billowing from the chimney of Soonyoung cottage; jogging up the steps as you fish for the spare key he’d given you.

When you enter, the smell of cinnamon and old books welcomes you in like it’s your own and you immediately head for the kitchen to start setting aside the groceries you’d gotten. “Soonyoung!? Where are you?” You yell, giving it a second for him to respond. You’re met with silence, confusion written all over your features.

It was quite unlike Soonyoung to be missing when he knew you were coming.

You look around the kitchen, finding a warm kettle filled with tea. He must’ve just stepped out for a second.

Shaking your head, you reach for a cup on the countertop, fixing yourself a cup of tea as you wait for Soonyoung to come back from wherever he had gone. You take a sip, sighing in contentment at the warmness that floods your system.

You quickly down the rest of the cup, setting it back onto the counter as you make your way towards his bedroom in hopes of finding him.

“Soonyoung? Where are you?” An odd feeling washes over you the further you walk into his house, unable to find a single hint of where he could be. He was almost always in the living area or the kitchen when you came by.

 You knock on his bedroom door as you call out his name again; still not getting a reply back even when you slowly pry the door open.

He’s nowhere to be found, so you take a seat on top of his bed, brows furrowed. Where on earth?

You decide to lay down for a second, removing your shoes and outer clothes before resting your head on the pillow.

Surely Soonyoung wouldn’t mind, seeing as he’s not even here.

Your eyelids feel heavier than usual; yawning loudly as you get comfortable.

When you wake up, you don’t know how much time has pass or if time has passed at all.

All you know is that it’s unbearably hot.

“Wh--what…” You mumble, sitting up as you wipe the sweat from your brow. A soft moan floats out of your mouth, body filled with a certain warmth you only knew when you were thinking about Soonyoung late at night.

“What is going on…”

You clench your jaw, hiking your dress further and further up until you can run your fingertips over your clothed cunt; finding yourself already soaking through the material as it sticks to you like a second skin. “What---”

A sharp door slam knocks you out of your confusion as you hurriedly push your dress down. You hear Soonyoung yelling your name a second later, biting your lip to keep in the noises that threaten to spill from your mouth.

What was going on!?

Soonyoung comes to view as he steps into the doorway; a crimson blush on his cheeks when he finds you in his bed.

“What did you do?” He whispers, barely loud enough for you to catch it.

“S--Soonyoung…” You whimper, unable to keep your voice straight as another gush of wetness pools in your panties. “I--s--something’s weird…”

“Did---did you drink… the tea in the k-kettle…” You nod shakily, tears pooling in your eyes. “I---was I not s-supposed to?”

Soonyoung exhales harshly as he steps into the bedroom, closing it behind him as he sits across from you on the bed. “How much did you drink of it?”

“A--a cup…?”

“A whole cup?”

“Y-yeah…”

Soonyoung grimaces, “That was… an aphrodisiac. I--I used my magic to make it stronger, I didn’t think---I didn’t think it’d work…”

Fuck.

You let out a small mewl, thighs rubbing together underneath your dress. “Why were you m-making that, S-Soonyoung?”

A blush coats his cheeks, suddenly embarrassed. Why exactly?

“No reason, I just---I got curious. I wasn’t… expecting you so early so I stepped out to get more herbs from Minghao’s garden. I was supposed to have it set away before you came.”

A tense silence falls over the two of you, neither of you making a move. Soonyoung clears his voice a few moments later, “I---I might be able to undo it with a spell but I’m not sure if it’ll work. I never tried it before and---and I don’t really know how to fix this, if I’m being honest.”

This time it’s your turn to blush, desperation clear on your features when you lock eyes with the said male.

“Can---can you h-help me… Soonyoung?”

He feels his cock throb in his pants, hands balling up into fists in his lap. “I--I can’t do that to you. You don’t even see me that way and I… I’ll go through the spell books, there has to be---”

“God, please! Soonyoung, I need you! Please, I-if it’s… If it means anything to you, I--I do like you…”

He clenches his jaw, taking in your blown out pupils and flushed cheeks. “You… like me?”

“I--yes… For a while now, actually.”

“And you didn’t say anything?” He asks, fingertips itching to strip himself of his clothes. “I guess I shouldn’t pry. I didn’t say anything either, did I sweetheart?”

Sweetheart.

Your heart pangs in your chest at the sudden pet name, thighs clamping together harder when his voice drops an octave. “Soonyoung, please…”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

This wasn’t necessarily Soonyoung’s ideal situation when it came to telling you his feelings.

He would’ve much preferred something romantic and not you accidentally downing one of his experiments.

“Ah, Soon---Soonyoung, more, m-more!” Your hips buck up, trying to get him to go faster. He slowly flicks at your clit with his tongue, using his hands to keep your body firm against the sheets. “Stop moving, or I’ll stop, sweetheart.” A choked cry bubbles past your lips, fingers itching to lock into his soft hair. He senses your urges, lips settling into a grin when he stops to look up at you.

“Say, you’re always complaining I never show you any of my magic.” He starts, “I’ll show you something really cool.”

He mumbles words you can’t seem to catch and in an instant, you feel your arms pinned to your sides and a pressure on your hips that keeps you still. “I didn’t think I’d need to use that spell quite like this but…” Soonyoung chuckles under his breath, leaning back down as he goes back to flicking your clit with his tongue.

“But---but Soonyoung… Please… Your f-fingers…”

“Oh? Do you want me to use my fingers while I make you feel good with my tongue?” You nod, licking your chapped lips when he stares up at you from between your legs. You had to get him to do more somehow.

“Y-yeah… I--I use my fingers all the time when I’m thinking about y-you…” That should do it.

Soonyoung goes rigid, cock throbbing against the sheets underneath him. “You… what?” You whimper, struggling against the invisible spell that binds you to the bed. “Mmhmm… I’d--I’d show you but I can’t… So you have to…” He shakes his head, bringing his fingers to his mouth before he wraps his lips around them. He makes sure they’re significantly wet before he positions two at your entrance.

“You really got me there, huh, sweetheart?”

A high pitched whine falls from your lips when he starts to sink in his digits; your wetness making it easy for him to sink them knuckle deep on the first try. “Oh, god! Soonyoung!” He’s mildly shocked at how wet you are and how tight your pussy is around his fingers, but he quickly finds a pace you like as he starts thrusting his fingers inside of you. “So you think about me? What exactly do you think about?”

He curls his fingers, watching your lips part in a silent scream when he grazes against your g-spot. “Sweetheart, I asked you a question. I expect a response, okay?”

“I---s--sometimes it’s just, mmh, like---like this… With your fingers deep inside me, making me feel so g-good… But--but sometimes, ah, I--it’s me on your l-lap…” You pause, abdomen tightening with each passing second. “You’re usually really s-sweet in my imagination but…”

“But?”

“But some--ngh, sometimes you… punish me t-too… when I go through your things without your p-permission… Mmh, and---and sometimes you use your magic, just like thi--this to keep me in my place... Oh, god, Soonyoung please, I’m so close!”

He grits his teeth, thumb on your clit in an instant. “Oh? So you want me to use my magic to make you feel good? Okay.” Grinning, he focuses some of his energy into the pad of his thumb; rubbing harsh circles on the swollen nub as you cry out. 

It felt like electricity was coursing through your body, tingles going up and down your spine as you cum hard on his fingers. Soonyoung’s name rolls off of your tongue and he can’t help but watch and think how pretty you were when you were cumming.

“Cute.”

Soonyoung recites a spell in the midst of your orgasm and you feel your body go slack when the invisible restraints finally free you. He sits up, slowly pulling his fingers from inside of you and he brings them to his mouth, licking off your wetness as you watch him through teary eyes.

“Soonyoung, I’m still…”

“I know, baby.”

He repositions himself between your legs, spreading your legs wide. “If it hurts---”

You groan loudly, reaching down as you hold yourself open for him. “Soonyoung, I bet you could just slide right in with how soaking wet I am… Look at me...” He shoots you an amazed look as he freezes momentarily.

“I---what did that aphrodisiac do to you, baby?” Soonyoung wraps a hand around his cock, spreading the precum down his shaft as he positions himself at your entrance. “Seriously though, just tell me if it hurts, okay?” You nod in return; letting your arms rest at your side again.

Soonyoung slowly inches his cock into your tight cunt, a groan on his lips at how tightly you were already clenching around him. “Oh, fuck…” He whispers.

He bottoms out in a single motion, slow and steady. The head of his cock taps against your g-spot and you find yourself chasing another orgasm as he lets you get used to his size.

“Please, move!” You cry, squirming underneath him. He tsk’s you in return, leaning over as he grips your thighs. “Baby, don’t make me bind you again. You’re doing so well for me already.” He draws his hips back before thrusting in, starting a moderate pace when he notes that you’d already gotten used to him. 

“You’re so wet for me, baby. Is it the aphrodisiac or is it me?” Soonyoung jokes. Although he, too, can feel himself already on the edge just as quickly. He wouldn’t tell you now, but he thought about you quite often too.

“Maybe I should’ve taken some with you.”

“Ngh, we’d be at it like r-rabbits…”

“Wouldn’t that be fun? On a night like All Hallow’s Eve, when my powers are much stronger. Imagine how good I could make you feel then, hmm?”

You let out a sob; pussy clenched hard around his cock as you feel yourself on the brink of another orgasm. “N-no, ‘cause I---I already know I’m gon--gonna need more after this… My body’s still so h-hot…”

Soonyoung takes pity, leaning over you as he kisses your tear-stained cheek. “I’ll work you through it, baby. Don’t worry.” The two of you fall into a silence; only the sounds of your moans, his soft breaths, and the snap of his hips bouncing off of the walls of his bedroom. He can feel you get immensely tight around him as he grips your thighs a little harder.

“Oh, Soon--Soonyoung I--”

“It’s okay, baby. Go on.”

This time when you cum, the pressure feels ten times as strong as the first time. You can hear ringing in your ears as your back bows off of the bed and you can vaguely feel Soonyoung’s cock forced out of your pussy in the midst of your orgasm. Tears wet your eyelashes as you cry out his name in a jumbled fashion; body rigid against the sheets.

“Oh--shit, baby…” Soonyoung watches as you squirt all over him and the sheets underneath you; hand wrapped around his cock as he watches your face contort in pleasure. He gulps, bringing his cock back towards you as he runs it through your folds until it nudges against your overly sensitive clit. “Such a good girl for me. You’re doing so well, baby.”

He taps the head of his cock against your swollen clit, watching as your body jolts with every tap. “Soonyoung…”

“How are you feeling?” He asks, jerking himself off over your body as your hazy eyes meet his. “A little better… But…” You trail off, watching him thrust up into his own closed fist. “You look so good...” He hums in response, tightening his fist.

“I’m so close, baby…”

“Make yourself feel good too, Soonyoung… Wanna see you make a mess on me~” You spur him on; filthy words on your lips as you watch his brows furrow. “And I’m still gonna want more too~ But I wanna see you get me nice and messy first~”

He lets out a groan, cock throbbing in his hold as he cums; streaks of cum hitting your lower abdomen. “Ngh, baby…” You mewl, fingertips already running through the warm liquid as you bring it back to your mouth.

You lick off the salty substance, immediately going in for more as Soonyoung’s own fuzzy eyes focus on your movements. “What--what are you d-doing?”

“Cleaning~” You quip, popping the cum soaked fingers into your mouth as you moan.

“God, did that aphrodisiac turn you into a succubus? You’re insatiable!” He feels his eye twice as he starts to come down from his high; using his free hand to wipe the sweat from his brow.

You giggle cutely, licking your lips. “Are those even real? And for the record, maybe you shouldn’t have made the aphrodisiac in the first place for your little experiments and then maybe you shouldn’t have made it even more powerful with your spells!”

Soonyoung can only grimace in return; It kind of was his fault for leaving it unattended.

“I know, I’m sorry, baby. I promise I’ll make it up to you, okay? And no more weird experiments left out on the stovetop, I promise.”

Grinning, you lean up, ignoring the soaking mess underneath you and the cum drying on your abdomen as you push Soonyoung over until he lays on his back. He gulps as he watches you straddle his hips. 

“You’re gonna make it up to me all night though, right, Soonyoung?”